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douxreviews · 6 years ago

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The Very Best of Supernatural

Supernatural was just renewed for a fifteenth season. Which is insane. Even more disturbing is the fact that I've been reviewing this show for fourteen years, and it just... won't... end. Looking back over my earliest reviews, it's funny that I kept fretting about cancellation. Who knew?

The 300th episode will air this Thursday, February 7. In observance of this major event, six Agents of Doux compiled lists of their favorite Supernatural episodes, and I tallied our choices and made a final top ten. Okay, eleven, because there was a tie in there, but it was really hard to bring it down to eleven, let me tell you. Our list of honorable mentions went from here and out the door.

So here they are. Please note that if you haven't seen all or most of the series, there will inevitably be spoilers.

11. "A Very Supernatural Christmas" (season 3, episode 8)

Christmas arrives smack dab in the middle of Dean’s last year on Earth, or so we believed at the time. Sam, knowing he will soon be left to carry on after his brother’s death, has no desire to celebrate which is at odds with Dean’s intention to collect as many happy memories as he can before the end.

This marks Supernatural’s first holiday episode with a marriage of gruesomeness, absurdity, and bittersweetness we'd already grown to love – from a blood-soaked Santa dragging a father up the chimney in front of his son, to bridge-playing pagan gods threatening Dean with the swear jar while preparing him and Sam for ritual sacrifice, all ending with the brother’s exchanging heartfelt gifts from a neighborhood Gas Mart as Baby looks on. The pièce de résistance – learning Dean’s amulet was a Christmas gift from a young Sam in unsaid acknowledgment that Dean was often more of a parent to Sam than John was. And no, I’m still not over Dean throwing it away. – Shari

10. "In the Beginning" (season 4, episode 3)

A remarkably funny but ultimately tragic tribute to Back to the Future, Dean is sent back in time by Castiel and interacts with his young parents. He discovers that his mother and grandparents were hunters, and that Mary essentially sold as-yet-unborn Sam's future to the Yellow-Eyed Demon in exchange for John's life.

"In the Beginning" is a perfect example of the attention the Supernatural writers pay to continuity and series mythology, since it explained Mary's actions in the pilot episode on the night that she died. Plus it features, in my opinion, one of the most touching moments in the entire series. It's when young Mary tells Dean, not knowing that he is her son, "You know the worst thing I can think of? The very worst thing? It's for my children to be raised into this, like I was." It choked me up when it first aired. It still does. – Billie Doux

9. "Baby" (season 11, episode 4)

The longevity of this series has allowed the writers to experiment and take chances, which often gives us exceptional episodes. This is one of them.

The Impala is home for the Winchesters, a legacy from their father. That car is not just in nearly every episode; it's also the setting of many of the most important brother scenes in the series. "Baby" gave us an entire episode from the car's point of view. I'm going to crib from my initial review: "This episode was such a love letter to the fans. It was the world of the Winchesters, but not what we usually see on the show. It was what happens in between and around what we usually see." The camera angles, the head in the cooler, the windshield wipers, the valet parking, Castiel on the cell phone, the brothers singing "Night Moves" together, it was different from all the others but a practically perfect episode. – Billie Doux

8. "Fan Fiction" (season 10, episode 5)

Supernatural's 100th episode ("Point of No Return") was good, but arc-plot heavy. Coming in the middle of a very serious storyline, it's dramatic and moves the plot along. But its 200th, "Fan Fiction," is a complete contrast and a sheer joy from start to finish. An episode centred around a girls' school putting on a musical they wrote themselves, based on the first five years of Supernatural, sounds like a terrible idea. And yet, writer Robbie Thompson makes it work. The episode also features great performances from the young actresses, but it's the numerous call backs in jokes and the way the episode revisits old favourites with a twist that make it one of the show's most re-watchable episodes. – Juliette

7. "Swan Song" (season 5, episode 22)

Endings are hard, as Chuck would say. You have to balance expectation with payoff, death and survival and a resolution that feels satisfying. For Supernatural, this was supposed to be it, the show's literal swan song, as planned out by Kripke. It was sad and painful. If this had been the ending, it would’ve left us with Dean trying to live on after losing his brother to spend eternity with the Devil in hell, and that’s pretty brutal. Of course, framing the story around Baby, and making the car one of the most important things in the universe, was perfect. The only reason we didn’t end with Sam in the box is because of season renewal, leaving us with more questions than answers. Including what happened to Chuck. – J.D. Balthazar

6. “Dark Side of the Moon” (season 5, episode 16)

This episode has always been a huge favorite of mine. The opening scene where Dean and younger Sam set off fireworks to "Knock Knock Knocking on Heaven's Door" was so gorgeous that it gave me goosebumps.

How many shows would dare to send their two main characters to Heaven? And show that Heaven as somewhat creepy? What I found poignant was that the brothers' choice of happy memories mostly don't include each other. I've often thought that a perfect end to the series would be the two of them in a Heaven that finally included each other, with everything that ever divided them fully resolved. – Billie Doux

5. "Wishful Thinking" (season 4, episode 8)

Absolutely one of their best comical episodes, from the "deep woods Duchovny" line to the suicidal teddy bear. Although, of course, what makes funny Supernatural episodes work is that there is always an element of underlying seriousness or tragedy. Here, it was the acknowledgement that using magic to make someone love you is evil. This was also the episode where Dean told Sam the truth about his experiences in Hell. – Billie Doux

4. "Don't Call Me Shurley" (season 11, episode 20)

Supernatural has a warm heart and it's often hilarious, but it's not often happy. Usually, the joy of watching Supernatural comes at least partly from knowing that whatever's going on in your own life, Sam and Dean surely have it worse. But "Don't Call Me Shurley" is different. The ending of "Don't Call Me Shurley" is miraculous – and we mean that literally. The rest of the episode is a delight anyway, offering a witty back and forth between God and His Voice – and finally confirming what "Swan Song" had only suggested. But that ending, when, temporarily at least, we get a real miracle and a moment of salvation, is what makes this episode really special – eleven years of storytelling reaching a thrilling moment of clarity. – Juliette

3. "The Monster at the End of This Book" (season 4, episode 18)

Oh, how I love this one. "Monster" is the introduction to the meta episodes where the Winchesters discover that they are main characters in a series of novels called "Supernatural," written by hack writer Chuck Shurley. As I said in my write-up of "Baby," it's taking radical chances with the narrative while continuing to stick closely to the show's mythology that makes Supernatural special.

And wow, this episode is special. Clever and funny and full of geeky in-jokes (especially the boys' disgusted discovery of the existence of Winchester slash), there is also that foundation of tragedy that makes it all work. The brothers cannot escape their fate. It's in the Winchester Gospels. – Billie Doux

2. "Changing Channels" (season 5, episode 8)

Take a beloved character, mix in playful jabs at some of the most popular TV shows while both expanding the narrative and laying the fate of the world on the interpersonal relationship of our favorite brothers. No wonder it’s one of the show’s creator, Eric Kripke’s favorite episodes. We discover the Trickster we’ve grown to know and love is none other than the Archangel Gabriel, little brother to Michael and Lucifer. Now that the Winchester’s have given Michael and Luci the Earth on which to wage their civil war, Gabriel is eager to see it end no matter the cost.

This doesn’t mean he can’t have fun doing it. Between the sitcom Supernatural’s opening credits, Dean fangirling over Dr. Sexy, Sam and the literal nutcracker, and the meta nod to Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s portrayal of a ghost on certain Seattle based medical show that shall remain nameless, we are treated to a host of laugh out loud moments. My personal favorite was Sam’s less than ecstatic performance in a genital herpes commercial. – Shari

"Nutcracker!!!!"

1. "Mystery Spot" (season 3, episode 11)

There’s something both twisted and poignant about watching Dean die again and again. Funny in a macabre way, for sure but also a touch tragic because in the Supernatural verse, those deaths were real. Well, real in that each was recorded, and each time he went to heaven briefly. No wonder Death finds Dean fascinating and frustrating.

Of course, it was really Sam’s episode, dealing with the pain of watching his brother die again and again, and the numbness that came with it was palpable. To this day, in season fourteen this episode has been referenced. Pretty good impact for a generally comedic episode. – J.D. Balthazar

Conclusion (by Billie Doux)

Putting this list together made me want to rewatch the entire series, although with so many seasons, that's turned into a major commitment. You know, we could probably put together lists of our top ten best comic episodes, the ten most tragic, ten scariest, ten best angel episodes, ten best ghost episodes, and so on because with so many seasons, there's so much to choose from.

It's interesting that the Groundhog Day episode "Mystery Spot" turned out to be our number one, simply because most of us put it on our list. Is it yours? Is your favorite even on this list? Post it in the comments!

Billie Doux has been reviewing Supernatural for so long that Dean and Sam Winchester feel like old friends. Courageous, adventurous, gorgeous old friends.

#Supernatural #Dean Winchester #Sam Winchester #Castiel #Bobby Singer #Mary Wincchester #John Winchester #SPN #SPN300 #Doux Reviews

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analyzingdestiel · 6 years ago

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REVIEW FOR 5X7: The Curious Case of Dean Winchester

There are no Destiel scenes or references in this episode.

And in the past, I have said that I don't want to include sexuality in determining how believable this pairing is.

Because where Castiel is concerned, gender is not relevant. He is a light being and things are different for him than they would be for a human. He technically does not have a gender and so technically can't have a sexuality.

Though Dean is different. Dean may see Castiel, and realize that he is technically genderless. But because Dean is human, we may have to consider his sexuality to determine whether or not Dean would be willing to become physically intimate with Castiel while he is using Jimmy as a vessel. At this point, it is not so much related to whether or not he loves Castiel, but whether or not he would be physically intimate with Castiel while in Jimmy's body.

Perhaps Dean's sexuality is something I should consider after all. Though even if he showed no sign of being interested in men, I wouldn't consider that proof against Destiel because of the fact that Castiel is not truly male and also because, even if Dean does view him as male because of the vessel... sometimes completely heterosexual people fall in love with the same sex, if the person is right for them. There are instances where love comes to the forefront rather than the gender of that person.

What I mean by that is that a lot of people in this day will limit themselves; they deliberately set boundaries in their mind. They decide "I will not love a man" or "I will not love a woman". This is why I say that gender, for a lot of people, is at the forefront of their mind when choosing a mate. So they are using their eyes to choose a mate rather than going by their connection with a person.

My point is that even if someone normally bases who they love off the gender of that person, there are certainly instances where one person just feels so strongly for the other person that gender no longer matters. The feeling that the person gives them is enough for them to ignore the fact that they are outside of their set boundary.

To put it simply, I could say, even if Dean identified as straight that doesn't mean that he wouldn't love and become intimate with Castiel, even while in Jimmy's vessel. Sometimes completely straight people will be gay for one single person just because that one person has given them feelings that no one else has before.

According to me, sexuality is never set in stone to begin with. Even if the person says they'd never sleep with the same sex, even if they found it disgusting, there's always the chance that ONE person will cause them to change their mind.

So because of this, sexuality does not really matter, but at the same time, Dean showing an interest in other men would make becoming intimate with Castiel more likely. Not to be mistaken with loving Castiel... For being in love with someone and sexual intercourse are two different things.

Though my goal was to determine whether or not Destiel is a believable pairing, and a lot of people pair couples together with sex in mind, so I suppose I may have to consider it after all, at least from where Dean stands.

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SCENE 1

DEAN goes over to the bed and yanks up the covers to look underneath.

DEAN Huh.

DEAN drops the sheets.

DEAN Your wife told us about your, uh, birthmark there. That's nice. Well, you look great. Cliff. Did you get some work done?

CLIFF shakes his head and sighs.

CLIFF Could you give us some privacy?

The two WOMEN are robed now. DEAN winks at them, then goes back to glaring at CLIFF. CLIFF, also robed now, hands one of them some money and they leave. He closes the door behind them.

CLIFF Please don't tell my wife.

DEAN Slow down.

CLIFF I'm begging you. As far as she knows, I'm dead. For the love of God, let's keep it that way.

DEAN How can you possibly be Cliff Whitlow?

CLIFF I can't tell you.

DEAN Well, either you tell us or we tell the missus.

CLIFF Okay! Okay! It was a game.

SAM Like...XBox?

CLIFF What's XBox? No. Poker. High stakes. Instead of cash, you play for years.

DEAN What is that supposed to mean?

CLIFF Look, I know it sounds crazy. Guy comes up to me at a bar, invites me to play. Gives me twenty-five of these weirdo poker chips, right? Chants some mumbo humbo over them, says now they're twenty-five years. I'm laughing, but then I come out up. And look at me.

SAM What was he chanting?

CLIFF laughs.

CLIFF How should I know? All I know is, my bad hip's good, I threw away my glasses. One of those ladies was here for free! Man's some kind of miracle worker.

DEAN What does this miracle worker look like?

CLIFF Just a guy. Maybe thirty-five, brown hair. Irish accent. His name was Patrick.

DEAN All right, all right. Where's this game at?

CLIFF He said he likes to keep moving. Never stays in one bar long. And he finds you.

DEAN Thank you, Cliff.

SAM and DEAN head for the door.

DEAN Oh, and, uh...stay classy.

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REVIEW FOR SCENE 1

I wasn't able to find the footage of this scene on YouTube, or even a gif, unfortunately. But during the scene, Dean lifts the sheets and peers at a naked man's body. He did it because he wanted to see if he had the birthmark his wife mentioned. Dean basically saw his genitals. Dean not only jumped right to this task, of checking for the birth mark, but during and after he behaves very cheekily and coy. Smiling all the while and saying things like "Well, you look great" and "stay classy". He certainly wasn’t upset or angry about looking. In fact, he jumped right to it.

DESTIEL RATING (based on how believable): 4.5/10

#dean winchester #deancas #supernatural #sexuality #bisexual #castiel

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thisturbulentspecies · 6 years ago

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Blog entry 2 / 01.23.19

From The Cradle To The Grave

______________________________

Collapse and dismantlement: On form and dramaturgy in Liszt’S late symphonic poem From the Cradle to the Grave

"The symphonic poem From the Cradle to the Grave deserves a special status among Liszt’s symphonic works because he wrote it after a long break as part of his series of symphonic poems from his Weimar period. The composition was inspired by a drawing by the Hungarian painter Mihály Zichy. Many aspects of Liszt’s musical response to this drawing contrast with his older symphonic works. Liszt chooses a simple three-part structure, in which each movement is dedicated to one of the stages of life. The final movement functions as a thematic recapitulation and synthesis, which, however, is no longer staged as an emphatic breakthrough, as in earlier works, but rather as a process of dismantlement preceded by a dramatic collapse at the end of the second movement. The demonstrative break with the concept of a final apotheosis relates back not only to the source of inspiration for the work, but also to a transformation in the composer’s aesthetic viewpoint."

______________________________

This is my story. It belongs to me. Those other people were present. They are not part of this story. Also, their stories are not important to me. For, this is my story.

1:00 am, October 10, 1999. My Dad was dying. He was never going to recover. He would not get better. I do not believe in miracles. Even if I did, his body was broken. It couldn't be repaired by god or man. In the early hours of a Sunday, Priests we're busy doing whatever priests do. Reverends were busy preparing sermons and preparing to save souls. One million prayers could not change anything. Dad's doctors were resigned to the fact that a a terribly ill man was quickly dying. His body, like our bodies, is a machine made of water and flesh and muscle and blood and bone. His machine, was broken.

I sat in a small waiting room maybe 45 feet from the the holding cell for my Dad's soul. Those other people were in in the room. Hours passed and those people made small talk and prayed and drank coffee. Others sped from cities miles away to make small talk and pray and drink coffee with those other people.

My father was, in one form or the other, in very poor health since the late 1970's. All of my siblings were older and were oblivious to how bad it was back home. Dad's back injury forced to him retire. He had no choice but to watch his greenhouse, his second love, destroyed in front of him by the company that bought his land. Before we could move to our new house his greenhouse was burnt to the ground.

I had no choice but watch my parents marriage crash and burn. Mom got angry and Dad got depressed. I watched as they wept over the death of my brother. Soon followed by a quick divorce. I had a front row seat for all of this. Mom was crushed. Dad soon remarried a very mentally ill woman. Simply put, the last 18 years of my Dad's life had been difficult. Certainly not what he signed up for, especially in his early 70's.

My Dad will be remembered as a happy and gregarious man. He was a man of faith and integrity. He always wore a smile. He played acoustic guitar, like 3 chords, just enough to write and play heartfelt songs. Dad wept in private. Sometimes I heard him. He had lost his livelihood, his business, 2 sons and a marriage. A series of heartbreaks.

Dad was going to die soon. He suffered from diabetes, pneumonia and chronic pain. He was now going to die in the last room he would ever be in. Death would mean freedom for his soul. Wherever he was headed, it was better than that room.

The waiting room was in the ICU at Rockford Memorial Hospital. This room had chair's, a small couch, lamps, a coffee table, coffee maker and half a dozen inspirational pictures on the beige walls. Those other people we're in the room. Talking and wringing their hands and praying for him to pull through. To pull through. To pull through? For what? More misery? More pain? We were allowed to go back two at a time. I guess those other people did. I walked back alone.

As I approached the room, I heard the beeps and drones and whines of the equipment. There he was, in a what they call a coma, he was unresponsive and kept alive via life support.

He was almost naked, spare the hospital gown over his genitals. The wires and tubes and leads and IV's and tape and made it clear about what would happen, sooner than later. I wanted to speak but all I did was weep. After a few minutes, I summoned the strength to hold his hand and move my lips very close to his ear. I recall my words pretty vividly.

" Dad, it's your time to go. You have done your work here on this Earth. You did the best you could in this life. Don't hold on. There's no need to wait out this misery any longer. I love you. Many people love you. Somewhere out there, your loved ones are waiting. Your sons are waiting. Go Dad. Just go. This is your permission". I could barely get those words out between my sobs, but I managed to do so.

There layed the man, who in his heyday was a tall strong man. He was hilarious, hard working and dedicated. Now he looked like a cyborg in a lab. I had the opportunity to share what was in my heart with him. I did my best to give him hope and comfort. As awful as this sounds, I wanted him to pass. Fuck this room Dad, I thought to myself, get out of here, just go.

I returned to the room with those other people, still talking and crying and drinking coffee. He needed to go, I screamed in my mind, to leave this mortal coil forever.

Dad expired around 15 minutes later. I didn't shed a single tear. I was secretly elated. He was finally free. Those other people cried. 'There's your miracle', I thought to myself.

From the cradle to the grave. The painting above is an ode to the symphony of the same name. ( see text above). We are born and we die. Some die far too early. Some, on the battlefield. Others in times of darkness and violence. Some during childbirth. Some in the ICU on a Sunday morning.

Dad grew up DIRT poor. I don't think he had a proper cradle. Three days later, he would have a proper grave. As I walked outside to smoke, I heard a lullaby playing on the hospital intercom, which is played when a baby is born. I secretly hoped those other people didn't hear it. It was my lullaby, and this is my story, and it belongs to me and nobody else.

My hope was that that the lullaby baby had a proper cradle. That he is loved, has grown up healthy and happy. Hopefully this baby wouldn't lose two sons, his health, his livelihood, three marriages and wouldn't die hooked up to more machinery than NASA needs to launch a satellite into orbit.

Lullaby baby is almost 20 now. My father has been gone almost 20 years. Do I think my whispers in Dad's ear granted him permission to go? I know he heard me, I'm positive he did. I don't know much about what they call a coma, but in my heart I know he heard every word. I'm not sure if those other people wanted him to pass, but I did. From the cradle to the grave, it's really all we're promised, the cradle and the grave. It is my sincere belief that the grave can sometimes be as much of a precious gift as the cradle.

This is my story and mine alone. Those other people were present but this is not their story. Also, their stories are not important to me. This was my story until today. But today this becomes our story, and ours alone.

***EE***

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savedfromsalvation · 7 years ago

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The 12 Worst Ideas Organized Religion Has Unleashed On the World

These dubious concepts advocate conflict, cruelty and suffering.

By Valerie Tarico / AlterNet

April 30, 2018, 10:34 PM GMT

Some of humanity’s technological innovations are things we would have been better off without: the medieval rack, the atomic bomb and powdered lead potions come to mind. Religions tend to invent ideas or concepts rather than technologies, but like every other creative human enterprise, they produce some really bad ones along with the good.

I've previously highlighted some of humanity’s best moral and spiritual concepts, our shared moral core. Here, by way of contrast, are some of the worst. These twelve dubious concepts promote conflict, cruelty, suffering and death rather than love and peace. To paraphrase Christopher Hitchens, they belong in the dustbin of history just as soon as we can get them there.

1. Chosen People –The term “Chosen People” typically refers to the Hebrew Bible and the ugly idea that God has given certain tribes a Promised Land (even though it is already occupied by other people). But in reality many sects endorse some version of this concept. The New Testament identifies Christians as the chosen ones. Calvinists talk about “God’s elect,” believing that they themselves are the special few who were chosen before the beginning of time. Jehovah’s witnesses believe that 144,000 souls will get a special place in the afterlife. In many cultures certain privileged and powerful bloodlines were thought to be descended directly from gods (in contrast to everyone else).

Religious sects are inherently tribal and divisive because they compete by making mutually exclusive truth claims and by promising blessings or afterlife rewards that no competing sect can offer. “Gang symbols” like special haircuts, attire, hand signals and jargon differentiate insiders from outsiders and subtly (or not so subtly) convey to both that insiders are inherently superior.

Islam teaches the concept of “dhimmitude” and provides special rules for the subjugation of religious minorities, with monotheists getting better treatment than polytheists. Christianity blurs together the concepts of unbeliever and evildoer. Ultimately, heretics are a threat that needs to be neutralized by conversion, conquest, isolation, domination, or—in worst cases—mass murder.

3. Holy War – If war can be holy, anything goes. The medieval Roman Catholic Church conducted a twenty year campaign of extermination against heretical Cathar Christians in the south of France, promising their land and possessions to real Christians who signed on as crusaders. Sunni and Shia Muslims have slaughtered each other for centuries. The Hebrew scriptures recount battle after battle in which their war God, Yahweh, helps them to not only defeat but also exterminate the shepherding cultures that occupy their “Promised Land.” As in later holy wars, like the modern rise of ISIS, divine sanction let them kill the elderly and children, burn orchards, and take virgin females as sexual slaves—all while retaining a sense of moral superiority.

The idea that blasphemy must be prevented or avenged has caused millions of murders over the centuries and countless other horrors. As I write, blogger Raif Badawi awaits round after round of flogging in Saudi Arabia—1000 lashes in batches of 50—while his wife and children plead from Canada for the international community to do something.

5. Glorified suffering – Picture secret societies of monks flogging their own backs. The image that comes to mind is probably from Dan Brown’s novel, The Da Vinci Code, but the idea isn’t one he made up. A core premise of Christianity is that righteous torture—if it’s just intense and prolonged enough–can somehow fix the damage done by evil, sinful behavior. Millions of crucifixes litter the world as testaments to this belief. Shia Muslims beat themselves with lashes and chains during Aashura, a form of sanctified suffering called Matam that commemorates the death of the martyr Hussein. Self-denial in the form of asceticism and fasting is a part of both Eastern and Western religions, not only because deprivation induces altered states but also because people believe suffering somehow brings us closer to divinity.

Our ancestors lived in a world in which pain came unbidden, and people had very little power to control it. An aspirin or heating pad would have been a miracle to the writers of the Bible, Quran, or Gita. Faced with uncontrollable suffering, the best advice religion could offer was to lean in or make meaning of it. The problem, of course is that glorifying suffering—turning it into a spiritual good—has made people more willing to inflict it on not only themselves and their enemies but also those who are helpless, including the ill or dying (as in the case of Mother Teresa and the American Bishops) and children (as in the child beating Patriarchy movement).

6. Genital mutilation – Primitive people have used scarification and other body modifications to define tribal membership for as long as history records. But genital mutilation allowed our ancestors several additional perks—if you want to call them that. Infant circumcision in Judaism serves as a sign of tribal membership, but circumcision also serves to test the commitment of adult converts. In one Bible story, a chieftain agrees to convert and submit his clan to the procedure as a show of commitment to a peace treaty. (While the men lie incapacitated, the whole town is then slain by the Israelites.)

In Islam, painful male circumcision serves as a rite of passage into manhood, initiation into a powerful club. By contrast, in some Muslim cultures cutting away or burning the female clitoris and labia ritually establishes the submission of women by reducing sexual arousal and agency. An estimated 2 million girls annually are subjected to the procedure, with consequences including hemorrhage, infection, painful urination and death. – In the list of religion’s worst ideas, this is the only one that appears to be in its final stages. Only some Hindus (, goddess of power) and some Muslims (, Feast of the Sacrifice) continue to ritually slaughter sacrificial animals on a mass scale. Hindu scriptures including the Gita and Puranas forbid ritual killing, and most Hindus now eschew the practice based on the principle of ahimsa, but it persists as a residual of folk religion.

7. Blood sacrifice – In the list of religion’s worst ideas, this is the only one that appears to be in its final stages. Only some Hindus (during the Festival of Gadhimai, goddess of power) and some Muslims (during Eid al Adha, Feast of the Sacrifice) continue to ritually slaughter sacrificial animals on a mass scale. Hindu scriptures including the Gita and Puranas forbid ritual killing, and most Hindus now eschew the practice based on the principle of ahimsa, but it persists as a residual of folk religion.

When our ancient ancestors slit the throats of humans and animals or cut out their hearts or sent the smoke of sacrifices heavenward, many believed they were literally feeding supernatural beings. In time, in most religions, the rationale changed—the gods didn’t need feeding so much as signs of devotion and penance. The residual child sacrifice in the Hebrew Bible (yes, it is there) typically has this function. Christianity’s persistent focus on blood atonement—the notion of Jesus as the be-all-end-all lamb without blemish, the final “propitiation” for human sin—is hopefully the last iteration of humanity’s long fascination with blood sacrifice.

8. Hell – Whether we are talking about Christianity, Islam or Buddhism, an afterlife filled with demons, monsters, and eternal torture was the worst suffering the Iron Age minds could conceive and medieval minds could elaborate. Invented, perhaps, as a means to satisfy the human desire for justice, the concept of Hell quickly devolved into a tool for coercing behavior and belief.

Most Buddhists see hell as a metaphor, a journey into the evil inside the self, but the descriptions of torturing monsters and levels of hell can be quite explicit. Likewise, many Muslims and Christians hasten to assure that it is a real place, full of fire and the anguish of non-believers. Some Christians have gone so far as to insist that the screams of the damned can be heard from the center of the Earth or that observing their anguish from afar will be one of the pleasures of paradise.

9. Karma – Like hell, the concept of karma offers a selfish incentive for good behavior—it’ll come back at you later—but it has enormous costs. Chief among these is a tremendous weight of cultural passivity in the face of harm and suffering. Secondarily, the idea of karmasanctifies the broad human practice of blaming the victim. If what goes around comes around, then the disabled child or cancer patient or untouchable poor (or the hungry rabbit or mangy dog) must have done something in either this life or a past one to bring their position on themselves.

10. Eternal Life – To our weary and unwashed ancestors, the idea of gem encrusted walls, streets of gold, the fountain of youth, or an eternity of angelic chorus (or sex with virgins) may have seemed like sheer bliss. But it doesn’t take much analysis to realize how quickly eternal paradise would become hellish—an endless repetition of never changing groundhog days (because how could they change if they were perfect).

The real reason that the notion of eternal life is such a bad invention, though, is the degree to which it diminishes and degrades existence on this earthly plane. With eyes lifted heavenward, we can’t see the intricate beauty beneath our feet. Devout believers put their spiritual energy into preparing for a world to come rather than cherishing and stewarding the one wild and precious world we have been given.

11. Male Ownership of Female Fertility – The notion of women as brood mares or children as assets likely didn’t originate with religion, but the idea that women were created for this purpose, that if a woman should die of childbearing “she was made to do it,” most certainly did. Traditional religions variously assert that men have a god-ordained right to give women in marriage, take them in war, exclude them from heaven, and kill them if the origins of their offspring can’t be assured. Hence Catholicism’s maniacal obsession with the virginity of Mary and female martyrs.

As we approach the limits of our planetary life support system and stare dystopia in the face, defining women as breeders and children as assets becomes ever more costly. We now know that resource scarcity is a conflict trigger and that demand for water and arable land is growing even as both resources decline. And yet, a pope who claims to care about the desperate poor lectures them against contraceptionwhile Muslim leaders ban vasectomies in a drive to outbreed their enemies.

12. Bibliolatry (aka Book Worship) – Preliterate people handed down their best guesses about gods and goodness by way of oral tradition, and they made objects of stone and wood, idols, to channel their devotion. Their notions of what was good and what was Real and how to live in moral community with each other were free to evolve as culture and technology changed. But the advent of the written word changed that. As our Iron Age ancestors recorded and compiled their ideas into sacred texts, these texts allowed their understanding of gods and goodness to become static. The sacred texts of Judaism, Christianity and Islam forbid idol worship, but over time the texts themselves became idols, and many modern believers practice—essentially—book worship, also known as bibliolatry.

Adherents who think their faith is perfect, are not just naïve or ill informed. They are developmentally arrested, and in the case of the world’s major religions, they are anchored to the Iron Age, a time of violence, slavery, desperation and early death.

Ironically, the mindset that our sacred texts are perfect betrays the very quest that drove our ancestors to write those texts. Each of the men who wrote part of the Bible, Quran, or Gita took his received tradition, revised it, and offered his own best articulation of what is good and real. We can honor the quest of our spiritual ancestors, or we can honor their answers, but we cannot do both.

Religious apologists often try to deny, minimize, or explain away the sins of scripture and the evils of religious history. “It wasn’t really slavery.” “That’s just the Old Testament.” “He didn’t mean it that way.” “You have to understand how bad their enemies were.” “Those people who did harm in the name of God weren’t real [Christians/Jews/Muslims].” Such platitudes may offer comfort, but denying problems doesn’t solve them. Quite the opposite, in fact. Change comes with introspection and insight, a willingness to acknowledge our faults and flaws while still embracing our strengths and potential for growth.

In a world that is teeming with humanity, armed with pipe bombs and machine guns and nuclear weapons and drones, we don’t need defenders of religion’s status quo—we need real reformation, as radical as that of the 16th Century and much, much broader. It is only by acknowledging religion’s worst ideas that we have any hope of embracing the best.

Valerie Tarico is a psychologist and writer in Seattle, Washington, and the founder of Wisdom Commons. She is the author of "Trusting Doubt: A Former Evangelical Looks at Old Beliefs in a New Light" and "Deas and Other Imaginings." Her articles can be found at valerietarico.com.

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confrontingbabble-on · 7 years ago

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“These twelve dubious concepts promote conflict, cruelty, suffering and death rather than love and peace.

2. Heretics – Heretics, kafir, or infidels (to use the medieval Catholic term) are not just outsiders, they are morally suspect and often seen as less than fully human. In the Torah, slaves taken from among outsiders don’t merit the same protections as Hebrew slaves. Those who don’t believe in a god are corrupt, doers of abominable deeds. “There is none [among them] who does good,” says the Psalmist. Islam teaches the concept of “dhimmitude” and provides special rules for the subjugation of religious minorities, with monotheists getting better treatment than polytheists. Christianity blurs together the concepts of unbeliever and evildoer. Ultimately, heretics are a threat that needs to be neutralized by conversion, conquest, isolation, domination, or—in worst cases—mass murder.

4. Blasphemy – Blasphemy is the notion that some ideas are inviolable, off limits to criticism, satire, debate, or even question. By definition, criticism of these ideas is an outrage, and it is precisely this emotion–outrage–that the crime of blasphemy evokes in believers. The Bible prescribes death for blasphemers; the Quran does not, but death-to-blasphemers became part of Shariah during medieval times.The idea that blasphemy must be prevented or avenged has caused millions of murders over the centuries and countless other horrors. As I write, blogger Raif Badawi awaits round after round of flogging in Saudi Arabia—1000 lashes in batches of 50—while his wife and children plead from Canada for the international community to do something.

6. Genital mutilation – Primitive people have used scarification and other body modifications to define tribal membership for as long as history records. But genital mutilation allowed our ancestors several additional perks—if you want to call them that. In Judaism, infant circumcision serves as a sign of tribal membership, but circumcision also serves to test the commitment of adult converts. In one Bible story, a chieftain agrees to convert and submit his clan to the procedure as a show of commitment to a peace treaty. (While the men lie incapacitated, the whole town is then slain by the Israelites.)

7. Blood sacrifice – In the list of religion’s worst ideas, this is the only one that appears to be in its final stages. Only some Hindus (during the Festival of Gadhimai) and some Muslims (during Eid al Adha, Feast of the Sacrifice) continue to ritually slaughter sacrificial animals on a mass scale. Hindu scriptures including the Gita and Puranas forbid ritual killing, and most Hindus now eschew the practice based on the principle of ahimsa, but it persists as a residual of folk religion.

When our ancient ancestors slit the throats on humans and animals or cut out their hearts or sent the smoke of sacrifices heavenward, many believed that they were literally feeding supernatural beings. In time, in most religions, the rationale changed—the gods didn’t need feeding so much as they needed signs of devotion and penance. The residual child sacrifice in the Hebrew Bible (yes it is there) typically has this function. Christianity’s persistent focus on blood atonement—the notion of Jesus as the be-all-end-all lamb without blemish, the final “propitiation” for human sin—is hopefully the last iteration of humanity’s long fascination with blood sacrifice.

8. Hell – Whether we are talking about Christianity, Islam or Buddhism, an afterlife filled with demons, monsters, and eternal torture was the worst suffering that Iron Age minds could conceive and medieval minds could elaborate. Invented, perhaps, as a means to satisfy the human desire for justice, the concept of Hell quickly devolved into a tool for coercing behavior and belief.

9. Karma – Like hell, the concept of karma offers a selfish incentive for good behavior—it’ll come back at you later—but it has enormous costs. Chief among these is a tremendous weight of cultural passivity in the face of harm and suffering. Secondarily, the idea of karma can sanctify the broad human practice of blaming the victim. If what goes around comes around, then the disabled child or cancer patient or untouchable poor (or the hungry rabbit or mangy dog) must have done something in this or a previous life to bring their position on themselves.

As we approach the limits of our planetary life support system and stare dystopia in the face, defining women as breeders and children as assets becomes even more costly. We now know that resource scarcity is a conflict trigger and that demand for water and arable land is growing even as both resources decline. And yet, a pope who claims to care about the desperate poor lectures them against contraception while Muslim leaders ban vasectomies in a drive to outbreed their enemies.

“Because the faith of Islam is perfect, it does not allow for any innovations to the religion,” says one young Muslim explaining his faith online. His statement betrays a naïve lack of information about the origins and evolution of his own dogmas. But more broadly, it sums up the challenge all religions face moving forward. Imagine if a physicist said, “Because our understanding of physics is perfect, it does not allow for any innovations to the field.” Adherents who think their faith is perfect, are not just naïve or ill informed. They are developmentally arrested, and in the case of the world’s major religions, they are anchored to the Iron Age, a time of violence, slavery, desperation and early death.

Change comes with introspection and insight, a willingness to acknowledge our faults and flaws while still embracing our strengths and potential for growth. In a world that is teeming with humanity, armed with pipe bombs and machine guns and nuclear weapons and drones, we don’t need defenders of religion’s status quo—we need real reformation, as radical as that of the 16th Century and much, much broader. It is only by acknowledging religion’s worst ideas that we have any hope of embracing the best.”

Valerie Tarico is a psychologist and writer in Seattle, Washington.

https://valerietarico.com/2015/01/20/religions-dirty-dozen-12-really-bad-religious-ideas-that-have-made-the-world-worse/

#atheist #agnostic #secular humanist #skeptic #Religion #Christianity #religious insanity

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mamaredd123 · 7 years ago

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Welcome to Mama’s 100 Quotes of Supernatural Challenge!!!

Wow! I am truly amazed at all of you wonderful people in Tumblr land. After 1 year on here I have 2000 followers!!!! (OK, so I know my blog is not a big ole bomb of excitement the majority of time but I am still tickled pink!)

So to celebrate my 1 year blog anniversary, I am going to do a 2-part thing. I put a poll out a few weeks ago to see what all of you would like and the 2 popular responses were a challenge and for me to do some more blog promo’s. You asked so shall you receive!!

I have searched and searched for some of the most memorable, funniest, best quotes from our beloved characters of Supernatural. Below the cut you will find the list. I have tried to include at least 1 quote from just about everyone (well, from a whole bunch of them anyways) but the majority of the quotes do belong to our sexy Dean, Sam, and Castiel! So keep on reading to see the list and the rules for this challenge!!

(And feel free to hop on over to my other part of this challenge, Mama’s “Spread The Love” Blog Promo’s and shoot me some suggestions!)

I have to give a HHUUUGGGEEEEE shout out to @atc74 for her help with my challenge image and for her assistance with some of these quotes!!!! Couldn’t have done this without you!

The rules are about as basic and easy as I can make them:

*This is a follower celebration so obviously, I would need you to be following me. However, if you have stumbled upon this challenge and would like to join, it is so super easy…. Just go click that follow button up there on the right!

*I need you to send me an Ask with your 1st and 2nd choice of quotes. It will be first come, first serve. BUT if by some holy miracle all 100 get taken, I am sure I can come up with some more to add to this list. AND you can chose up to 3 quotes if you would like to work ALL THREE into one story. (As a side note, if after a week I still have a ton of quotes not chosen, I will modify the challenge a little and allow you to send in your choice of quote/character)

*As for you fic, just keep it in the SPN fandom and make sure to highlight your quote(s) wherever you place it in the story. Just in case there is any confusion, the person you chose a quote from does NOT have to be the main character in your fic. For example, you may just really like a particular quote listed here from, say Balthazar, but you have a Dean x Reader fic in mind. That’s perfectly fine. Just make sure to have Balthazar in your story (with the quote) somewhere.

*This challenge is open to any and all ships and genres. I want y’all to write whatever inspires you when you see the quote of your choice.

*As usual, drabbles all the way to series are welcome. Just remember, anything over 500 words, add the KEEP READING line or, and I’m sorry, but I won’t reblog it. We all need to do our part not to overcrowd everyone’s dashboards.

*Deadline will be September 30th. I am giving everyone 2 months to do this. Beginning in Sept, I will occasionally start posting reminder posts to try to help everyone remember about their challenge deadline. I am well aware how we all take on a little too much sometimes and things get lost in the shuffle.

*When you get ready to post, make sure to tag me in your A/N and use the #mama’s100quoteschallenge in your tags. As usual, if I haven’t liked/reblogged within a day or two, please feel free to shoot me a message and let me know you posted it. I truly do try to go through all my notification everyday, but, well, you know, life gets in the way of all the fun things sometimes.

Ok, that’s it. Easy peasy, right? Well you made it this far with me so come a little further and read the quotes, pick your favorite, and send me your Ask! Most importantly, enjoy yourself and have fun writing your next masterpiece!!

1. I wanna punch something in the face. (Sam) @destiel-addict-forever 2. Straight “Shawshank” this bitch! (Dean) @myloveforyouxx 3. I may be many things, but I’m not stupid. (Mr. Ketch) @capsheadquaters 4. I gave everything for you! And this is what you give me?! (Cas) 5. I kinda always wanted to punch the devil in the face. (Mary) @justanotherdeangirl 6. This is what you do when I'm not here. Type? (Crowley) @percussiongirl2017 7. And after awhile... that starts to weigh on you. (Benny) 8. I am not someone that you should put your faith in. (Castiel) 9. I believe you're drawn to danger. (Mr. Ketch) @uniquewerewolfsuit 10. Dude, don't compliment the bad guys. (Dean) @docharleythegeekqueen 11. Things are not just black and white out here. (Dean) 12. I’m still gonna peel off your skin and eat your soul. (Lucifer) 13. It's your professionalism that I respect. (Alastair) 14. We'll just tie up the bonny lad. Could be fun. (Rowena) 15. You idiots. You’re all going to die. (Crowley) 16. Things like “cosmic consequences” have a habit of biting us in the ass. (Dean) @maximumkillshot 17. If I plan to do anything else stupid, I’ll let you know. (Castiel) @skyedoes-things 18. I am doing all I can, to slightly lessen the spread of... of genital herpes. (Sam) @samwinjarpad 19. Okay if you don't like, uh, reckless I could use insouciant maybe? (Cas) @beccafgs 20. You've just been Garth-ed. (Garth) @wayward-mirage 21. Weird, creepy, off-the-grid "Children of the Corn" people? Yeah, I’m in. (Dean) @deanandsamsbitch 22. For me, having you here, it fills in the biggest blank. (Sam) @sea040561 23. I want to stop losing people we love (John) 24. Damn right, REO. Kevin Cronin sings from the heart! (Jo) 25. Yeah, and Hannibal Lecter's a good psychiatrist. (Ellen) @maximumkillshot 26. Don’t make things needlessly complicated as you humans tend to do. (Castiel) @sea040561 27. I’ve been tortured by the devil himself so you, you’re just an accent in a pantsuit. What can you do to me? (Sam) 28. I don't think you can handle my rod. (Crowley) @roxy-davenport 29. You two have the most unhealthy, tangled-up, crazy thing I’ve ever seen. (Lisa) 30. Your unclean… in the biblical sense. (Billie) 31. I'm tired Sam. I'm tired of this job...this life. This weight on my shoulders. Man I'm tired of it. (Dean) @deanandsamsbitch 32. I told you that roadhouse chili was a bad idea. (Sam) 33. You can't save everyone. (Rufus) 34. You're like a walking encyclopedia of weirdness. (Dean) @skyedoes-things 35. I'm worried about my boys. (Bobby) 36. As long as everyone wears a condom we'll be fine. (Jody) @queencflair 37. I don’t sweat under any circumstances. (Castiel) @beccafgs 38. I suggest we imbibe copious quantities of alcohol... just wait for the inevitable blast wave. (Cas) 39. Get the hell out of hell. (Crowley) 40. I mean, clearly, I have a type, but no, thank you, ma'am. Won't be once bitten, twice Doug'd. (Donna)

41. We talking misdemeanor kind of trouble? Or, uh…’squeal like a pig’s kind of trouble? (Dean) @maximumkillshot 42. Do you have any idea how much stuff I had to steal, then pawn, to pay for that? (Metatron) 43. Fatherhood changes a man. (Crowley) @roxy-davenport 44. I lie. I don't get lied to. (Benny) @docharleythegeekqueen 45. We’re far from perfect. But we are good. (Sam) @impalaimagining 46. I'm not a witch. I'm a nerd. (Charlie) @wi-deangirl77 47. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. (Bobby) 48. Kick it in the ass. (Bobby) 49. Wanna try that again like you mean it? (Sam) @atc74 50. Maybe one day. But today you're my little bitch. (Cas) 51. You got me here now. (Benny) 52. You Winchester boys and your talk. Blah blah blah repressed feelings. Blah blah blah passive aggression. (Charlie) 53. Come on in darling, the water's warm. (Sam) @impalaimagining 54. I’ll give you a pass on account of the whole ‘raised by monsters’ thing. (Jody) 55. Why not go get washed up for the orgy?... All is so beautiful. (Cas) 56. You mean 'protection against a demon' salt or 'oops I split the popcorn' salt? (Dean) 57. But for your own good I strongly suggest you get a life. (Chuck) 58. You can't take the trick out of the trickster. (Gabriel) @wideawakeandwriting 59. Is there such thing as a monster magnet? (Charlie) 60. I lied. I do that. (Crowley) @winsister91 61. Please, accept this sandwich as a gesture of solidarity. (Cas) 62. You realize I'm not asking. (Benny) 63. Your password is "winning" with two "1's"? Fail. (Charlie) 64. Everything is supposed to end. (Dean) @captainemwinchester 65. I will not apologize for being a career woman. (Rowena) 66. So which one are you? Grumpy, Sleepy, or Douchy? (Sam) 67. It's just.. I just want this over. (John) 68. You look like you got attacked by some PCP crazed strippers. (Dean) 69. You know, you pitched this whole dewy-eyed bromance thing, but the truth is, I'm on lockdown, aren't I? (Adam) 70. You boys have serious abandonment issues, don't you? (Meg) 71. Where'd you get the holy oil? (Gabriel) 72. Yeah well, there's one thing you have that he didn't. You're a Winchester. I forgive you Dean. (Charlie) 73. You fudging touch me again, I'll fudging kill you! (Dean) @captainemwinchester 74. I got your message. It was long your message. I find the sound of your voice grating. (Cas) 75. I should be asking you the same thing. (Ruby) 76. You don't know me. You never did, and you never will. (Sam) 77. Did someone slip a mickey in your power shake? (Gabriel) 78. No doubt - endings are hard. But then again... nothing ever really ends, does it? (Chuck) @hannahindie 79. Sorry you have me confused with that other angel. You know the one in the dirty trench coat who is in love with you. (Balthazar) @skyedoes-things 80. Shouldn't trust run both ways? (Castiel) 81. Unleash the Kraken. See you tomorrow morning. (Sam) @4401lnc 82. I don't usually drink beer. It messes with my depth perception especially when I'm skinny dipping. (Garth) 83. No. Sweetheart, if this is our last night on earth, then I'm going to spend it with a little thing I call self-respect. (Jo) 84. I think you're a hero. (Rowena) 85. I can't live in the desert. I'm applying to Princeton. (Kevin) 86. This is my voicemail, make your voice … a mail. (Castiel) @goofynerd-67babylove 87. You give a girl all sorts of nasty ideas. (Abaddon) @lucilepiewhiskey 88. Was that your Batman voice? (Charlie) 89. Your life is one big poop storm isn't it? (Donna) 90. I guess because every woman I've ever had relations with... it hasn't ended well. (Sam) @goldenolaf25 91. Dragons? Those are a thing? (Jody) 92. We’ll always be bound. You helped me. We will always help each other. (Amara) 93. Wait a second. Did he drunk dial you? (Sam) @mrsbatesmotel53 94. I'm a man of my word. (Dean) @deanwinchester-smut 95. I mean nothing ever really gets deleted from the Internet. (Sam) 96. This is a den of iniquity. I should not be here. (Castiel) @thecuriouscrusader 97. Dude, she wants me to meet her parents. I don't do parents. (Dean) 98. Wow. I must be the star of this thing. (Sam) @melbelle45 99. I’ve never seen so much porn. (Chuck) @winsister91 100. Well, call it personal experience, but nobody gets that angry unless they're talkin' about their own family. (Dean) @chaos-and-the-calm67

Tagging any and everyone I can think of cause I’m just so excited about reaching 2K!!!!

@megansescape @madamelibrarian @chelsea072498 @jayankles @feelmyroarrrr @docharleythegeekqueen @crowleysdemonknight @motleymoose @sumara62 @mrstheorossix3 @evansrogerskitten @waywardjoy @dwaynii @jensen-jarpad @deathtonormalcy56 @ruprecht0420 @charliebradbury1104 @relmi-llorrac @wonderange @sandlee44 @tom-is-in-my-tardis @kmb99t @summer-binging-spn @posiemax @ohmychuckitssamanddean @thedevilinthedetails @bohowitch @tmccarney @dragon-tail @suli155 @mrsbatesmotel53 @petrovadixon @thewalkingmombie @mogaruke @spontaneousam @uniquewerewolfsuit @firstlady36 @goldenolaf25 @lunarsaturn88 @spn-hetalian-from-hogwarts @carribear31 @captainemwinchester’ @babypieandwhiskey @impala-dreamer @frenchybell @idreamofhazel @nichelle-my-belle @moonlitskinwalker @redlipstickandplaid @taste-of-dean @avasmommy224 @you-are-not-in-my-contacts-list @p-b-and-cas @supernatural-jackles @treasurecastiel @calicat79 @beccafgs @mysteriouslyme81 @chaos-and-the-calm67 @sis-tafics @benjerry707 @impalaimagining @sdavid09 @meganlpie @whispersandwhiskerburn @authoressskr @deanwinchesterforpromqueen @beccatigger @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @buckysmetallicstump @breeannhausler @sazrahlovesbooks @unfortunately-a @clinicalkayla @maddieburcham1 @ilostmyshoe-79 @roxy-davenport @eve05glee @jensenacklesfuckmeyes @ladyxdezi @catackles16 @wi-deangirl77 @dang-meddling-winchesters @donnaintx @jdhillons @tiffanycaruso @pureawesomeness001 @notateenbeachmovie @deanlovespiebabyandmeloljkiwish @omgspnfanfiction @leonepanda @grimes-ft-winchester @thatshellfiredean @deanandsamsbitch @straitsupernaturalmalefan @farewell--sanity @lauramerrell1 @trustnobodyshootfirst @doro7winchester @mariairwin666 @tankcupcakes @atc74 @like-a-bag-of-potatoes @iwantthedean @paintrider13-blog @d-s-winchester @death2thevirgin @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms @ellen-reincarnated1967 @just-another-busy-fangirl @waywardjoy @winchesterprincessbride @sea040561 @my-favorite-fanfiction67 @watercolor31 @nichelle-my-belle @kittenofdoomage @clairese1980 @shamelesslydean @dean-winchester69 @disconnectedartist @destiel-addict-forever @samwinlover @capsheadquaters @tardis-full-of-fallen-angels @not-moose-one-shots @notnaturalanahi @hopeewilsonn @fanfreak07 @juanitadiann @captainemwinchester @imgetting2old4diss @hollygopossum @impalapiegirl67 @percussiongirl2017 @kael-the-author

#mama's100quoteschallenge #woohoo #mama hit 2K #1 year anniversary #I love you all #I am so excited

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not-a-space-alien · 7 years ago

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Your Own Side Outtake #3: Sex Ed, part 1

Rating: T

Series masterpost

On AO3

“Raphael! Raphael, come quick! Michael is hurt!”

Raphael could not ignore such a summons. He dashed out of the room, following the lesser healer that had come to get him as quickly as possible.

But…Michael? Hurt? It seemed unlikely. As Heaven’s greatest warrior, it would take a lot to hurt him. And he hadn’t even faced any forces of the adversary yet! As far as Raphael knew, Michael wasn’t even supposed to leave Heaven.

So how would he have gotten hurt?

Raphael skittered to a stop in the lobby, where a gaggle of lesser healers were gathered around Michael, supporting him under the arms. Raphael noted with a shock that Michael had been incorporated. He was sobbing mightily, but the source of his distress was not immediately obvious.

“All right, all right, I’m here,” said Raphael, pushing the other healers out of the way to reach the other archangel. “What’s wrong? Where are you injured?”

“M-my groin,” said Michael. “It’s bleeding.”

Michael had a tunic pressed to the aforementioned area, which Raphael did not ask him to remove. “All right,” said Raphael, taking his hand and leading him back into the healer’s clinic.

The other healers followed like ducklings behind Raphael as he escorted Michael into an examination room. He helped the warrior up onto the table—an impressive feat, considering their relative sizes.

“It hurts,” moaned Michael. “Raphael, I think I’m dying. This is it.”

“Let me see,” said Raphael, pulling at Michael’s clothes.

“This is the end for me. Goodbye, brother. I love you. Someone else will have to lead the war in my place.”

Raphael removed the clothes blocking his view to find that Michael was exactly right—a smear of blood trailed down his inner thighs. But…

Raphael sighed. “Michael.”

Michael finally ceased his dramatic bemoaning of his fate. “Yes?”

“How long have you been in this corporation?”

“’Bout…’bout four weeks.”

Raphael rolled his eyes and turned to the sink, washing the blood off his hands. “You’re not injured. This is a feature of certain kinds of human bodies.”

“Wh-what?” stammered Michael. “What do you mean?”

“If your body has a uterus it sheds the lining every month or so. The uterine lining has heavy blood content.”

“But I hurt!”

“That’s the contractions in the muscles to push it out.”

Michael did not seem satisfied with the answer. “I don’t understand. What’s the point?”

“It functions in reproduction in humans. But there’s no point to it for you. I think you should be able to turn it off, if you want.”

Michael fidgeted. “Well, I mean, it stops eventually right? So if I can just get through it, it’ll be over?”

“Michael. It happens every month,” Raphael repeated.

Michael looked at him with disgust. “Every month? A warrior can’t shed blood—”

“It’s not an injury. It’s a perfectly natural feature of your body.”

Michael had a stormy look on his face. “What did you mean I could turn it off?”

“Humans can’t do it, but you can make minor changes to the corporation they gave you. Customize it, if you like.”

Michael seemed skeptical of all the words coming out of Raphael’s mouth. The healer sighed again and took Michael’s hands. “Michael, did they not tell you your body would do this when they gave it to you?”

“No.”

“You know,” said Raphael, “would you believe that you are the eleventh angel who came to the clinic panicking because their genitals were bleeding? Are they not telling the angels getting these bodies how they work?”

“I guess not,” said Michael, fidgeting.

“What did they tell you when they gave it to you?”

“That I needed to be careful with it, because they didn’t want to have to replace it.”

“That’s it?”

Michael nodded, looking embarrassed, as though he had done something wrong.

“All right,” said Raphael. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Clean yourself up and get out of here. You’ll either have to swap bodies or learn how to deal with it.”

“How am I supposed to deal with this?” said Michael, incredulous.

Raphael didn’t answer, because he didn’t know. He left Michael to his own devices and walked out.

Raphael parried the questions of those in the lobby away in order to get to his next destination: the office of Divine Affairs on Earth.

He had to strong-arm his way past Gabriel’s assistant to get into the other archangel’s office, but he managed. Gabriel looked up from his desk to the healer as he came in.

“Raphael!” said Gabriel. “What can I do for you? Settling into the archangel role well at the clinic?”

“Er, yes, sir,” said Raphael stiffly. “I wanted to talk to you about something related…”

“All right,” said Gabriel. “Take a seat.”

He did so and began, “Sir, I know that Heaven has started giving out corporations to the field agents on Earth.”

“Yes, they’re quite convenient,” said Gabriel. “So far they’re reporting it’s making it much easier to get work done.”

“Er, right,” said Raphael. “But I have a concern. Have you been giving them any…instructions when you give the bodies out? A ‘how-to-human 101’ primer, or something?”

Gabriel stared at him uncomprehendingly.

“Anything at all? You just foist a sack of bones and meat onto them and cheer, ‘Good luck, I’m sure you’ll figure it out!’”

“I wasn’t aware there was anything about them that would merit special instructions,” said Gabriel.

“Sweet Jesus,” said Raphael, rubbing his temples. “Look, you did at least give them some instructions about how to maintain it, right? They know they need to feed it, right?”

Gabriel blinked at him.

“Did you help them get into them? Make sure they fit right?”

“Fit how?”

“Well, an archangel might need a larger one to accommodate a larger aura. Something along those lines.”

“I’m not sure I understand what you mean,” said Gabriel.

“Did you not pay attention to anything Miriam said before she—Er, look, Gabriel, in my professional opinion, as a healer and healthcare provider, human bodies require quite a lot of upkeep. The angel inside can make it work by using miracles and suchlike, but there are certain things it needs for, er…optimal performance. Water. Food. Sleep. At least every once in a while. And the, er….reproductive system—“

“The field agents will certainly have no use for that,” said Gabriel stormily.

“Right,” said Raphael, “but you need at least tell them about it. Michael came in panicking because his body—“

“Michael has a body?” said Gabriel.

“Yes. And he was in a right state because it—“

“I don’t think we ever agreed that Michael should be incorporated. He doesn’t have work to do on Earth.”

“Er, right,” said Raphael, trying to skirt around that back to his point. “But what I’m saying is—”

“I’ll have to have a word with the incorporation division,” said Gabriel. “We can’t just hand those things out willy-nilly. There’s paperwork involved.”

“Right.”

“And Michael shouldn’t just be running about like that. We should have it taken off of him.”

Raphael bit his lip. “With all due respect, sir, he’s an archangel just as you are, he has free reign to—”

“Look,” Gabriel cut him off. “You’re a bright fellow, it’s obvious, but you’re still new to this position and there are things you obviously don’t quite understand yet. Just leave Michael to me, and I’ll leave your clinic to you. Now, what was it you were concerned about?”

If Raphael had had more of a spine, he might have continued to contest, but he didn’t. “Well, I just think that the angels getting corporations should be given some instructions about them.”

“All right,” said Gabriel. “Why don’t you see to it, then?”

“Me?”

“Why not?”

“Er, well Miriam was really the one who had been involved in the pilot tests for corporation. She and Divine Affairs worked together to engineer the mechanism of connecting the angelic body to the physical corporation, but I wasn’t really involved with all that…”

Gabriel gave him a hard look. “So you’re saying you can’t do it? Who would be more qualified than you?”

Raphael clenched his jaw. “Nobody, sir. I’ll take care of it.”

He walked out with a lot more work on his plate and a sour attitude. He would, unfortunately, not be very successful. Maltha would be right when she would say, almost six-thousand years later, that he struggled to get anything done.

AN: I almost took this scene out entirely, but it was too good to pass up the implication that Maltha was partially responsible for making and handing out bodies, and the extension that maybe if one of her humans friends, say, died, she could just whip them up a new body ;)

#good omens #my writing #my good omens fanfic

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maynardlewis · 4 years ago

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#What Medication Can You Take For Premature Ejaculation Eye-Opening Cool Ideas #Just Started Having Pr

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