#lightlysaltedsuffering

[lightlysaltedsalt]

One of those things about chronic illness nobody ever talks about is just how much it makes you feel like you have to apologize.

Sorry I'm late; I couldn't get out of bed. Sorry my weird breathing kept you up all night. Sorry I couldn't make it to your party; I was half conscious on the floor all evening. Sorry I keep forgetting everything you tell me; I promise it's not because I don't care. Sorry I seem so out of it all the time. Sorry I'm not "present" enough when we hang out. Sorry I need to be taken care of sometimes. Sorry my body is breaking and it seems like it's inconveniencing you more than me.

[lightlysaltedsalt]

I think a big part of why being honest about disability and chronic illness is so difficult is that often times, people's reactions are worse than just toughing it out alone.

I tell my mother I'm in constant pain and I'm met with either "no you're not/you weren't before." or "dont say that!/that makes me sad!"

I tell my friends I think I'm going to die young and I'm met with "you're being paranoid again/you're fine" or them freaking out so much that I have to offer them comfort when it's my life that might be on the line

I tell my teachers I need certain accomodations and they either outright refuse and tell me I'm "too young to be disabled" or they ask constant invasive questions about my health every single day

I explain why I use a cane to my acquaintances and I'm met with "why don't you just get surgery for it?" And "why aren't you better yet?" No matter how many times I explain that's not how it works (for me)

I truly hate having to deal with everything on my own, but honestly, the reactions I've gotten when I have a short moment of genuine vulnerability tend to make me wonder if shouldering it alone isn't so bad in comparison.

[lightlysaltedsalt]

Not to self diagnose but maybe just maybe being able to use my day-to-day experience as reference for writing a fic character on their deathbed is a bad sign