#light of his life and all that i guess
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Losing myself in temporary anesthesia, scattering the pain of daily life I hear your voice, waking me up ↳ Ai wa Kusuri - Wacci
#kusuriya no hitorigoto#the apothecary diaries#theapothecarydiariesedit#jinshi#maomao#jinmao#myedit#mygif#fav song project#wacci#didnt expect to but i fell in love with this song at 1st time#also damn he is DOWN BAD for her#light of his life and all that i guess
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Happy belated birthday Jamil! I hope you know just how loved you are ❤🐍
#my art#twisted wonderland#twst#jamil viper#yes im over a week late#life got in the way#sorry mr snake...#played around with the colours to make it look like a “lights off” mode#hand drawing all that embroidery felt like i was literally stitching each cushion myself#but at last i am finished#it's the first time i ever properly drew for his birthday so i had to go all out#i hope you will always be happy and free jamil#<3#finally released from this jail i can work on other pieces now...#which as you can guess#is more jamil
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this line always shocked me like i always forget peeta's popular because the only friend of his who's ever so much as named is delly. and they were really just friends when they were little kids.
#katniss everdeen#peeta mellark#haymitch abernathy#the hunger games#hunger games#thg#and dellys initially mentioned and katniss has no clue she and peeta are even friends like shes just a girl katniss knows of#i mean peeta mentions his family and sometimes im like ohhhh yeah i forgot he had a family at one point#like peeta's social life is so irrelevant and thats funny to me because gale gets coworkers that get named#thom is even an almost memorable character. and with peeta its just like yeah he has people hanging out nearby him i guess#and like tbh if peeta wanted katniss to give a shit about the peopel who are important to him he shouldve tried not being a blonde man#anyway this is MOSTLY just to show off all their designs in one place#this is also older but i fixed it up#oh god its 9pm thats my bedtime i gotta go to sleeeepy im secretly 70 years old dont tell anyone#two drawings in one day just for you because these drawings were already completed im just editing and posting them . love and light
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something something blood-soaked hands cradling your face something something
anyway here's the post btw
#what if post dp3 logan struggles to emotionally accept that wade Will Actually For Real Survive Anything#and one time they are fighting some random baddies#and they somehow get in a few shots straight to wade's cranium and he drops like a bag of slutty slutty potatoes#and logan goes full berserker trying to get to him#like he just massacres everyone in his way and wade still isnt getting up ohnoohnoohnonotagainohno#(healing factor or no a few direct shots to the brain stem/t box take a bit to recover from)#(no more than five minutes but it's an eternity to logan)#and his heart sinks to the very core of the earth as he kneels down next to wade's body#and his hands are shaking and soaked in blood and he can't seem to sheathe his claws in his dazed adrenalined state#he tries to peel back wade's mask and fear is just *pounding* through his system because in that moment#all he can see are the xmen dead in massive pools of blood#and that feeling of unreality is rushing over him like thiscantbehappeningthiscantbehappeningnotagainohgodnotagain#wade's still and unresponsive and there is so Much BLOOD (hard to tell how much is Wade's and how much is just on his hands)#and logan doesn't even realize he's crying until suddenly wade's eyes light up like a computer restarting#and he's smiling and gasping and joking immediately#“well howdy there hot stuff what did I miss?”#and then he clocks that logan is Not Okay#“... well gee willikers golly goddamn peanut 'twas only a flesh wound! no need to go all waterworks over lil ol me”#“you know it would take a helluva lot more than that to make me shuffle off this here mortal coil!”#“see all better I'm hunky dory peachy keen right as fucking rain”#“I mean cmon I can't have been out for more than five minutes so let's just go back to you being exasperated with my bullshit antics okay??#“...okay sugarboobs? snookums? babycakes?.... Logan?”#and they just sit there on the floor holding each other for a while#wade babbling and logan crying about everything he's lost and wondering distantly how he has come to care so much#about this blithering jokester in like barely a week#that the thought of losing him brought him crashing back to the worst memory of his extremely rough life#anyway that's enough tag mini fic lolol I'm having feelings about my own drawing I guess 😵#poolverine#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine art
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"Him? Oh, you know, he's kind of a loser." - probably everyone except for his younger brother.
Germaine is based on the layer of hell (Dante's Inferno) for material wealth before self, others, and god. So basically very materialistic and possessive of his belongings. Unfortunately, his younger brother qualifies as a belonging in his mind. So he does his absolute best to keep his brother safe and sound and scratch free - which is a bit tough in a post apocalyptic setting but he mostly manages.
Also a fact I just like to mention: he is incapable of lying.
#my characters#germaine wellington#welp guess who watched an anime recently (its not complete) and the dad of the mc made em think of a loserman big brother oc#its me! correct! the dad just reminded me a bit of germaine and i blame appearances mostly but also the dad was kind of a loser (i love him#and germaine does practically raise tremaine which further messes up their absolutely awful codependency#like yeah both brothers would kill for many reasons (survival and resources mainly) but !#if tremaine lost germaine hed probably cry and become incapable of moving on and eventually just dying w no reason to live#but if germaine lost tremaine hed go insane cause no no no thats HIS brother and hed start blaming everyone#and lose all rationale and logic while hes actually one of the most logic based in the group#hes a loser but dont let him lose things or he loses it more#but when hes really mad at tremaine for whatever reason his best friend is like uh huh what are you gonna do about it#and germaine is like........... we both know i will sigh and accept it and probably pat him on the head next i see him#which is incredibly honest and exactly what he does because yeah hes mad but even mad he cannot say#im gonna slap some sense into him because thats a lie he wouldn't hurt his brother#everyone in their group knows he cant lie so when he gets hesitant after being asked something they just know#hes trying to plot the best way to skirt the answer bc its apparently Not Good#he looks angry and annoyed often but its just resting bitch face#he lights up when he sees tremaine and he lightens up a little with his best friend#like lil smiles for his bestie and brother but when talking ABOUT his brother? he lights up and beams because hes so proud#of the coolest and smartest thing in his life (his brother)
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[ID in alt text]
Another wip! It's kind of almost done :)
#sha gojyo#saiyuki#wip#gotta tag talk for a sec -#idk if it's weird or inappropriate considering the smiley mood of the wip but I just kinda need to#cw: death I guess#life's so so bizar right now - just. incomprehensible in a way#I don't know how to describe what's going on in my head#with my dad being on his death bed#on one hand it's all consuming and on the other. like. life is still happening? I worked today. did work things#I'm working on this light-hearted little comic and it feels almost rude to keep drawing it#like whatever I make should be sad or angry or whatever#or not at all#but this is still what I wanna draw#I keep thinking about fucking Inktober bc it's something that brings me joy normally#but I will absolutely not be able to do it and it's so so so unimportant in the grand scheme of things#I have sketches that I like so idk they'll get finished eventually#got a message about a commission I would love to do but the deadline is in around December#and I just can't know if I'll even be able to do#it's just impossible to imagine my dad pretty much definitely not being here in two months#let alone what life will be like and what *I'll* be like#it's so weird#danikunst#fanart#described#1
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Do you think Banjo is the type of person who hides his problems behind a clown mask?
The guy acts like a bit of comedy relief, but I think he's the kind of person to face his problems head-on. I don't think he uses humor as a coping mechanism. We never see him do that for himself. He's just a loud guy
Look at how he first appears to Midoriya
He's loud, and it steals Midoriya's attention. But he's calling him out on why he's messing up
But as a character's debut, the first things he does are:
Call out Midoriya for trying to do things alone, when Yoichi's first message to him was that he wasn't
Tell him that if he can compose himself, things typically work out
Understands Midoriya's side of things, and tells him he knows (like lacking a mouth)
And once he says those two previous things, he exhales, and his eyes show their pupils properly
The parting advice he gives Midoriya is a reiteration of the second point: It's okay to be mad. What's important is controlling your heart.
Blackwhip is a Quirk that responds to the holder's emotions. Like other Quirks, but Blackwhip goes out of control when the user isn't able to get a grip on themselves
Banjo used his Quirk effectively. He'd have to live that advice to pass it on to Midoriya, back when Abilities were starting to become normal, but Japan was still wrecked. And we know that Quirks are influenced by, and influence, the holder's personality.
Banjo would have to be able to be honest with himself, understand his emotions, and has the maturity to say it's okay to be mad. Just control it.
When he said that for the first time, it actually surprised me. Everyone in fiction or reality says "Don't be mad", but a character on his debut and says it's okay to be that. I never heard anyone say that controlling your emotions and outputting them in a healthy manner is what matters. People just say not to he negative or annoying, because it's inconvenient; but Banjo went past that.
And when he fades, he tells Midoriya he's got this. He reminds him that they're all behind him.
Whenever he speaks, he doesn't make the receiver feel bad, or speak down to them. He understands them, and gives the next step in a familiar, friendly way.
On his debut, he told Midoriya to control his heart, and to remember he wasn't alone. Here, he tells him he should try understanding their Quirks better.
He's actually got a mature way of seeing things. He's an adult, and being the holder between Shinomori and En, he wouldn't be able to deal with either of them if he wasn't mature about himself. Shinomori probably wouldn't choose someone who can't be honest with himself upfront, after spending almost half his life for OFA. And En is young, prone to panic, and a guy who acts like his problems aren't there or funny wouldn't help that.
I can visualize Banjo sitting at a small fire with Shinomori, having an honest, calm talk about life (until Shinomori says the wrong thing and Banjo yells something about it). But not Banjo trying to push his problems down with a hearty laugh, and Shinomori being okay with that.
When Midoriya used his Quirk for the first time, Banjo did get loud at the start, but he did lecture him in a way that was kinda teacher-mentor-ish.
I actually like the way Banjo talks about his observances. He's got the demeanor of a good teacher, he's clear, and direct. He's light-hearted about serious things, but doesn't diminish them. He just approaches it in a way that you aren't feeling the pressure, and can feel like it's possible.
He seems to have this habit of being loud to get people's attention, and simmers down once he has it. He's never indirect or leaving the addressed to figure out the answer on their own, he gives it outright.
When Midoriya used Blackwhip for the first time, Banjo was all "You got it all wrong!" and then explained things. Since he felt himself fading, he could've been talking louder to compensate himself past the daze he felt. To make sure he was talking, heard, and to keep himself awake
When the first Three made the void silent because Kudo and Bruce didn't want to help, Banjo broke it with what Midoriya should do next
When Shinomori got yoinked, the first thing Banjo did was report it in a panic to Midoriya. This just tells Midoriya he really has to be careful now, because OFA can really be stolen. Even if Banjo just panics and doesn't say that aloud
Every time Banjo is facing some kind of problem, he doesn't let others panic too hard. He's not pressuring about problems, and steps back to let Midoriya figure things out.
When Midoriya was running himself into the ground, Banjo was one of the vestiges that didn't show up to tell him to rest. He already understood how Midoriya saw things, and was doing them his own way
Rather than trying to be a clown, I think Banjo is just a friendly person. He's honest with others and with himself, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to utilize Blackwhip right, or be the holder between a sagey hermit and young, scared adult.
#i got this ask and i know how i perceive and feel about banjo but dont know how to put it into words#but i dont think hes someone who only jokes around or uses humor as a coping mechanism#consider the times he lived too. even all mights flashback shows that when he was alive himself japan was still in ruins#banjo lived during that time and before all might#OH. HES LIKE A DAD#hes mature light-hearted but he can sit you down and talk to you about life. then he could go “nice talk” and you dont walk away feeling#like crap#does that make sense? i think this post is another example of word vomit thats kinda cohesive but really not#he still has his inner kid but knows how to approach things like an adult that has people who need him to help them#bnha#mha#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#banjo daigoro#YET AGAIN I GO OFFTRACK YAY ME.#i think the last paragraph is the proper answer to the ask without me running through all these hoops#but i dont talk about banjo as much as the other vestiges so im keeping the word vomit#spoilers#bnha spoilers#mha spoilers#i dont think this is what anon asked for really#answer is the last paragraph i guess. it's all over the place
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Can someone who is well-versed in Witcher lore confirm or deny whether Geralt has albinism? He is listed on the wiki page for characters with albinsim, but seeing as every character with albinism that I know of isnt included, I dont trust the list very much…
#the wiki says that experimental mutagens caused geralt to lose all of his body pigmentation#but is this process more similar to a character whose hair goes gray under stress than someone with albinism?#i mean youre born with albinism so having it be the result of experiments later in life is highly unrealistic#but this is a fantasy series we are talking about so i accept that logic works a bit differently#but im tired of seeing characters “with albinism” who only have the appearance of a PWA#while things like vision issues and light sensitivity are completely ignored#i never wouldve guessed that geralt has albinism tbh#probably because of his yellow eyes#i just thought that he had a fantasy characters color scheme with wolf like features and whatnot#but if hes actually a PWA then i would consider reading the books#i am so starved for (good) albinism representation#bunny babbles#geralt of rivia#the witcher#albinism
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do you write fic on ao3?
unfortunately for everyone involved i do!
#ask#and if youre wondering about my handle i write on anon so its doesnt particularly matter (shrugs)#and also i think its pretty easy to figure out which fics ive written because i want to makeout mad sloppy style with an em dash#anyways (waves offhandely) it doesnt really matter much because i have like posted an ss on here before so you know#its not like im trying to hide it like eh#but also because of my disposition that would put a tranced rabbit to shame i dont exactly yell it from the hilltops either#the moral of the story is if you ask me what im working on ill yap about it maybe like post an excerpt#and months later youll find something posted on anon and youll be like oh! so they finally posted it!#so to spare you all (lies on my tummy like we're at a sleepover and giggles) you wanna hear what im working on#haha of course you do youre a prisoner in my yap box#and i want an excuse to talk about it hidden in the tags so people skim over it and not read it <3#SO the earliest wip is from like early october about a magical realism au because i rewatched lwa as i usually do and well theres this one#ep about a magical animal if you will... and you can kinda guess what it is from that lol its sashaforsyekky#because the dreaded @/tungpin infected me with the brainworms about this trio specifically#and it really is ekky going 🥺 at whatever sashaforsy have (persumably) got going on woe is him its at 5k rn but uh ive stalled progress#because puppyekky has consumed my every thought which leads me to my second wip that ive been labouring over since the start of october#that also just broke 5k and not even remotely done lol whoops but its puppy ekky in a team environment with a heavy emphasis on the euros#rn there are scenes scrabbled out with sasha (multiple) mikksy luosty lundy and forsy. i know i have an idea for bobby.#and really lets see where the muse takes us i have vague ideas that are mmmhmm but we'll see when we get there!#the third one isnt the most likely to get finished but uh it is sashamaffhew global series stuff because it stemmed from#“it really is funny that sasha is treating the finland trip like he knocked up a girl#and is trying to make her meet his parents so it doesnt feel like a shotgun wedding when he you know marries her to take responsibility“#and i just think a maffhew pov with that thought in mind because of the whole touchy at e11even thing is funny to me like think mundane#slice of life oh i feel like im being wined and dined i hope i dont fuck it up jfc i think im fucking it up oh god this feels romantic#anyways it feels remotely ooc to me and it really was more of like a writing break from the wips stated above so (shrugs)#might not see the light of day but its 2k as of now so i do feel its a shame if i dont /try/ to finish it you know? its just low priority#anyways thats my writing check in and i am a prisoner to my own mind i will go insane haha these wont be published anytime soon#because i am slow and get distracted soooo easily so you know <3
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Wes "💁🏻" Borland
#god the urge this man gives me to play with his hair. and braid it. and shampoo it. and deep condition it. and twirl it. and and and...#also not me obsessing an unhealthy amount about the size of his massive hands covering such a large portion of the top and side of his head#oh god and V E I N S [*faints*]#look in a perfect world (or in my dreams I guess) Wes would be my boo thang.#but in this world and in this life all I wish for is that my “curls” would behave and look the way his does instead of a random frizzy mess#Wes Borland#Limp Bizkit#nu-metal#Black Light Burns#Wesley giving me that WAP on Wes Borland Wednesday#down the rabbit hole
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#okay so i think i haven't told this story to you guys but i've been thinking about it a lot waiting for the surgery day#(oh i guess content warnings for injury and animal death. idk all of this is pretty heavy stuff)#but when this dog was a puppy he broke his leg. quite badly actually#and for the following six months i was Convinced that both he and i had literally DIED#and the world around us just failed to recognize the blazing red Game Over text superimposed over my line of sight#so we - literal zombies still bleeding from our mortal wounds - had to perform the movements of being alive#this got better when the puppy was finally healed#but the flashbacks. the hallucinations. they followed me for years and years and only slowly faded away#and now when the dog is sick again - with something completely unrelated - those are coming back again! what fun!#and i don't know if i've ever been as scared of anything as actually for real losing this dog in a traumatic event#if he just dies this wednesday#like. probably he doesn't. most dogs survive the operation these days they say#but just the small chance of something going wrong#i don't know if i'll survive if he doesn't. how can i keep going if he doesn't#i'm scared you guys. this dog is the literal light of my life#(i was going to name him with the finnish word for light but that didn't stuck in the end. didn't make it any less true)#sussitalk
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Ohoho, I love getting ready to leave the house for months at a time and hearing my parents talk about putting down our cats. Very enriching and not at all stressing me tf out.
#light's spot#hi irl moots I'm fine#just one of my scream into the void moments#because my mother seems to think all of her life troubles stem from our cats and not her own issues#like damn. the one's old sure but he's not anywhere near dead. the other is a perfect healthy young dude who lives outside#I'd rather her take her rage out on me than them because they rely on us. we're all the one knows. it's not his fault#I'm just so so so sick of hearing her talk about them like this#it's the third time in the past few weeks and I'm afraid because I'm leaving home to go back to uni soon and I have no say#just freaky as hell.#tw death#i guess incase anyone doesn't wanna see my mention of the topic#but damn it really downed my mood. feel sick af#gonna try and doodle the feelings away smh
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Chris Harms at Gefragt – Gejagt | The Chase A Tragedy in 3 Acts
#chris harms#lord of the lost#lotl#queue are not the bug queue are the patch#sorry for the gif spam everyone but this was so hard to choose from. way too many good moments.#like when he knew the answer to the first question and said it out loud before the chaser had even picked her answer#or like twenty of his extremely displeased facial expressions. like at all the times the host alexander bommes called him 'Quiz Harms'.#biggest respect to bommes tho. have never seen someone be so immune to chris's charm. or maybe that cold shoulder was just him flirting bac#this is all light-hearted of course. chris did a great job. but he was also too fun to watch#some of these are actual quotes btw ... i let you guess which ones ;)#if anyone wants to see the whole show: the link is in the description. chris is there between 52:12 and 1:21:12#(the moment the tumblr tags work properly for once will be the happiest day of my life)
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I miss you
#it seems unreal that he’s not going to be at church this morning#he was one of the few people who normally got there early#and I can’t count the sundays he my parents and my pastor would sit in the sanctuary just chatting about random things#it’s so hard to believe he’s never gonna walk in with his coffee ever again#he helped with the puppet ministry we did for the kids#it’s not gonna be the same#I guess he couldn’t see it but he was such a light and joy and blessing in our little church#we all loved him so much#and still do#and I long for the day I get to wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I’ve missed him#don’t worry—I hope the lord’s got a long life ahead of me#but the knowledge I’ll see him again makes the promise of heaven all the sweeter#and I long for it#I’m gonna miss going early and knowing I’ll see him and get to chat#I miss you so much my dear dear friend
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(this is a bit long and...a bit angsty I guess!)
Eddie knows he's trailer trash. It's like, an undisputed fact. He's dirt poor, with zero prospects, a criminal record and half criminal family, and definitely (one thousand percent) punching above his weight with Steve.
Steve's awesome. Rich, hilarious, friendly and brave and so so fucking loyal it hurts. Eddie's seen Steve's every personification of those traits expressed in a million ways, and he's well aware of how little he has to offer in return. He's always been aware of his faults, having had them pointed out on a daily fucking basis since before he could remember.
And the selfish, greedy, unlovable gremlin that Eddie is, won't can't let this relationship with Steve go until he has to, until Steve is the one to end it. Which won't happen, not if Eddie can help it. Not if Eddie can twist, reshape and alter himself into something that Steve can tolerate.
He knows it's woefully one sided, he's not stupid after all. He knows what it's like to be the clingy, weird kid that's impossible to get rid of, the boundary tester, the motor mouth, the freak. He knows that there's a not small part of Steve that's embarrassed of him, that appreciates it when Eddie tones himself down to something reasonably fucking normal.
Shit, one of his only solid memories of his mom is her shoving him at Wayne and begging him to 'take that fucking kid away' from her. And if his own mama couldn't love him then who the fuck could? So he doesn't blame Steve at all. It's just another fact. Up is up, the earth is round and Eddie is a broken shell masquerading as a semi-functioning adult.
It hurts though, the night he gets it confirmed. It hurts like he's been literally stabbed in the chest when he hears them whispering during movie night, almost six months into their relationship.
Robin's scared that she's losing her best friend, and Steve, assuming that he was asleep, whisper-replying that 'I mean...Eddie's fine, Bobbin, but you're my best friend, my soulmate, I'll never put anyone above us.'
So of course Eddie knows they're not going to have a fairytale ending. There's something intrinsically damaged in Eddie's biology, in his DNA that just renders him as a fond memory waiting to happen. The aberration in Steve's dating history that he'll look back on in a few decades and wonder what the hell he was thinking, (but at least it had been fun at the time?).
But. Eddie'd had the choice, there and then, on what to do.
To get up, walk and lose Steve immediately, or take the coward's way out and pretend he actually was sleeping, that he knows no better, that there's a minute fucking chance that one day Steve could love him, even if everyone around them is tapping their watches and waiting for the inevitable fallout.
And that was the funny thing, if it bought Eddie more time in this bubble, then it was the coward's way every chance he got. So that night he'd stayed still and tried not to curl into a ball and sob when Steve's arm slipped from behind his shoulder and around Robin's instead. He knows his place now, and there was a sick kind of confirmation in that, at least. The timer was set, but there was no telling when the alarm would go off.
And from that night it only escalated further. He set aside his disappointment when their alone time became simply 'alone with Robin' time (unless Steve was horny, at least that was just the two of them). He held it together each time Steve inevitably cancelled or postponed their plans because Robin needed him. He told himself it was fine when they platonically shared a bed during sleepovers with the kids, and Eddie was relegated to babysitter duty downstairs. He sat in the back seat of the car without question, lacing his own fingers together and trying to convince himself that they were joined with Steve's.
He ignored every unknowingly barbed comment that Robin made about 'boys being gross, Steve, how could you do it?', all the while internally begging Steve not to think about it too hard. He pretended he didn't see the triumphant smiles she flashed every time Steve chose her instead, the aching, empty void inside trying to justify itself and coming up short.
He acceded every time without a fight, waiting until he was inevitably alone in his bed at night and could let the agony of loneliness rip him apart, wishing that for once he could be the one chosen first and (despite daydreaming otherwise) knowing that it would never happen. It didn't happen, not for people like him.
He spent nights sleeping in his van to give Wayne and Claudia privacy (because Dustin was a nosy little fucker and they weren't ready to tell him just yet), and wished that he could be at Steve's instead, but knowing that he'd be interrupting their time together. He told Steve that he loved him, relishing in the soft, bashful little smile that he got in return, and squashed any painful, pointless hope of him saying it back.
It was fine, because if it wasn't fine, he would never recover.
Then it was three years into their relationship and holy hell Eddie would never think of not saying it. It bubbled under his skin and was branded in every atom of his existence, and if it made Steve feel good to hear it, so much the better. It was ok that Steve never said it back, it was. Steve must like Eddie enough, he wouldn't have stayed for so long if he didn't, and that was enough for Eddie.
It was fine that Steve and Robin lived together while Eddie stayed in his own apartment. If Steve wanted to live with him, he'd have asked, or at least hinted. As it was, Eddie spent most of his time juggling shitty part-time jobs and a tattoo apprenticeship, saving every cent he could after rent, in case one day he was lucky enough to get the chance to share their home.
He skipped food on their dates, opting for just a water (or a side if he had enough), as paying for both Steve and Robin's food was enough to clear him out if he wasn't careful. Three failed senior years were almost enough to financially screw him over, but not quite.
He worked long hours, but kept his head above water. It kept him busy anyway, kept his brain from obsessing over not seeing Steve for however many days it had been this time.
And he never complained. Not once. If he did, he knew that it was the end for him and Steve, and it would fucking break him when it happened. Cowardice was Eddie's middle name, if you cut him he oozed it before he bled blood.
He'd perfected it.
So when Steve and Robin came back from another impromptu vacation, and loudly proclaimed in front of their friends, the kids and their parents that they had gotten drunk married in Vegas, Eddie was surprised that he felt anything at all.
But he did.
It didn't quite register at first, until he heard the words 'my husband' out of Robin's mouth and then oh. Oh.
That was something Eddie would never have. He'd never be able to walk down the aisle and proclaim his undying love with Steve in front of their friends and family. They'd never get a first dance, or cut a cake they'd chosen, he'd never hear Wayne's proud speech or know the feeling of Steve slipping a wedding band onto his finger.
That wasn't the world they lived in.
He was an idiot. A delusional, dumb fucking idiot for thinking, hoping that one day the world would be more tolerant. Because it didn't matter.
Steve was Robin's husband, he lived with her, vacationed with her, worked with her and took her to dinners with his parents. Platonic or not, she had another part of him that Eddie could never have.
Even if the world was a kinder place for queer people in general, Eddie would never have been an option for someone like Steve. Of course not. Of fucking course not. Holy shit, he was so fucking dumb. Three failed senior years and he's still shocked at the depths of how fucking stupid he is.
He has to be grateful for what he's got.
So when the newlyweds finally remember he exists, and turn to him with glee and mirth in their eyes, he does his best not to let his shattered, grieving, shadow of a broken fucking heart show.
It wouldn't make a difference, anyway.
#steddie#Steve and Robin are unhealthily codependent in a lot of fics but nobody ever seems to shine a light on how Eddie must feel#'Eddie's happy that Steve loves Robin way more than him' is a take i see too often#but what if his self esteem is nonexistent? he's been dealt a shit hand in life after all...despite Wayne's best efforts#he doesn't complain because he thinks he doesn't deserve Steve's love anyway...so it's ok that Steve doesn't love him#He operates under the (dumb) assumption that he's unwanted/unlovable (and Wayne is the only one who succeeded in persuading him otherwise)#(Steve does love him though...he's just unable to express it i guess)
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and I'm having thoughts again
so I've been watching that John Larroquette interview that I reblogged on repeat for half an hour now and I'm just. man I am so very....... okay I'm trying not to say that I'm stupid anymore but god what else is there to say. it's making me feel like my brain just turns off and all there is is static and [insert very high frequency screaming sound].
like I would love to be able to have actual thoughts about this shit but I am not. I just love love love people who think about shit and face their issues and work on getting better. and talk about it. like it's just a thing that happened. because it is. it's not 'oh you did bad shit in your past so you're fucked forever now'. it's 'bad shit happened, I did bad things, I confronted it, I made different choices' and that's it. I just. man I'm feeling really emotional and am probably gonna have a good long cry about this now.
#one thought that I had when my brain stopped just loudly screaming at me was#oh I totally always think I wouldn't ever end up in a cult. because it's not something that would appeal to me and shit. I'm suspicious of#anything like that. one person claiming to know everything and all that#and it just hit me like. DUDE. you would absolutely 100% end up in a cult if the right guy was leading it#like if he had a cult that I could join right now? oh dude I'd be so in. kinda joking but also like. come on I am so fucking obsessive I#would absolutely fall for that#(and lets not even get into the whole thing of actually getting attention from the person I'd be obsessed with. oh it'd be bad. it'd fuck#me up. I'd be so easy to convince if we're being honest....)#but anyway I just. I don't know#honestly though? I just love studying one person at a time from afar like. hi I would immediately explode if I ever met this man I could not#handle it. but I can absolutely find out everything I can about him and study him like. something that normal people would study idk I'm#insane.#anyway man that was a weird tangent#true tho.#I don't want to make light of actual addictions like alcoholism. I'm not. addicted I guess. but I'm absolutely fucking obsessive about shit#and I absolutely know it cannot be healthy to keep doing this#like dude you have no life because all you do is watch other people live theirs. why am I studying this man's life like it matters. it's not#making anything better. knowing every damn thing he did in the 80s will not make up for the fact that I don't have. anything.#fuck now I'm really crying oh well this really took a weird turn#fuuuuck.#personal
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