#light it up taupe for the poor allistics

[infiniteglitterfall]

how difficult do you find it to express complete thoughts in words easily understood by others

A poet friend of mine posted that on Facebook. He said a lot of other stuff about it, about feeling like his own thoughts are constantly just out of the grasp of his own lingual facility, and thinking that we literally all have much more complicated ideas than we are capable of sharing, and end up using compromised shorthands in order to make any progress at all.  But obviously that one sentence really jumped out at me, autistically.  I think that there are two big factors involved for me. One is that it depends on the topic. There are some things it seems to be easy for people to find words for. And then there are so many aspects of human experience that our culture doesn't really support, or outright silences. It's hard to put those things into words without puzzling it out with other people who have the same experiences. Like, I think that the nature of language is by definition going to involve using a lot of inexact ideas and shorthands to try to be understood. So in a way, that's something everyone experiences to some extent. But the more experiences you have that aren't in the mainstream, the more difficult it will be.  (For example, it took me ages to realize I was aro because the only words I had for my feelings were “crush” and “in love.” I didn’t examine what other people were using those to describe, because there was no other alternative in my head. Having no other words meant that I couldn’t even realize there was something else to explore. It took reading a lot of aro people’s experiences to go, “wait, what I was experiencing was a friend crush or a ‘squish!’ what I think of as ‘in love’ is different than what these other people mean!” I still don’t totally understand what other people are experiencing, I just see that there’s a big difference, especially in the beginning of the relationship.)  The other is neurodiversity. The first thing I think when I see "HOW DIFFICULT DO YOU FIND IT TO EXPRESS COMPLETE THOUGHTS IN WORDS EASILY UNDERSTOOD BY OTHERS" is "YES  FUCK WORDS, WORDS ARE HARDDD." And how much easier it is to make words when I am writing them down, and have time to think them out. And, come to think of it, I think my brain keeps spoken words in a separate databank from written words. So it has a lot more to draw from when typing, because I've read A Lot. But the words it can pull from when I'm talking are restricted more. Not only because it wants to pull from words that other people say, but because it wants to filter them through "socially acceptable ways to say this" and "wait first think about what the other person might think or feel when you say this maybe it's totally wrong."  When I know the other person gets it, or when I feel safe explaining something weird and awkward and different to them, I can puzzle it out aloud with them. And I’ve slowly learned that if I don’t understand what someone means, it’s good to ask them, instead of pretending that I do and moving on. Like, they’re not going to be offended if I don’t understand; they’re not going to think I’m not actually their friend, or that I don’t understand them as a person, or that I’ve never listened to anything they said, or whatever it is that my brain thinks they’ll think.  But words are hard. The weird thing is that even though a lot of autistic people think in images and feelings and such, instead of words, or before putting things into words, being hyperlingual is also an autistic thing. Learning words early, learning to read early, having lots of words to share in the topic or medium that is close to your heart... that’s a common autistic thing, even tho our brains are like, “this is not the primary way I experience and process the world thanks.”  E.g. I can write 5000 word posts about whatever I am interested in, and also, when I’m overwhelmed or low-spoons, I can get to the point of shutdown and not have words to use out loud. Or out-loud words might start to cost way more resources than I have to give. Or, frequently, my brain might spit out words that are uhhhhhhhhhhh not the ones most people would use for something. Like, the microwave becomes the “hot box,” or “can you make sure the chickens are locked up” becomes “can you please put the... big dogs... away? (flapping hands in general direction of backyard)”  And conversely, if what somebody is describing is totally outside of my experience, I might need a lot more of their words, or other people’s words, to really figure out what they are describing.  I think this varies A LOT among different autistic and/or ADHD people. (a lot of people have speculated that those are basically the same thing, and that ADHD should really be part of the “autism spectrum.” i think there are differences, but we all have differences so ???) There are a lot of people who lose words earlier and more easily than I do, and probably ones who take a lot longer to lose them. There are lots of people who don’t really have out-loud words to give in the first place. Etc.  I thought I should share this here so other people can think about it too, especially since it is the Autism Acceptances Month. Feel free to infodump or ask questions about my words lol. oh yeah, and don’t forget: if you relate a lot to what autistic people describe but “aren’t autistic,” ya might be autistic. there is definitely not enough info about it in the general mainstream for most people to already know whether they’re autistic; this stuff tends to be how a lot of people figure it out. for that matter, the same is true of being aro, or a lot of other marginalized identities.