#lifewithlimits

[mmvickers]

Tired of the Lawsuits

Tired of the Lawsuits                                                   May 4, 2016

 I have been disabled all of my life.  All 61 years.  I feel eminently qualified, therefore, to speak on the issue of accessibility or lack thereof.

 Due to my disability, and for no other reason, there are activities and sports I cannot participate in, places I cannot go, and careers I cannot pursue.  This is virtually never due to lack of accessibility.  It is solely and entirely due to my 3 missing limbs and use of a wheelchair.  More directly, my disability imposes many limitations.  It always has and always will.

 Discrimination claims are all too common these days.  It is so tiring.  My discussion here will focus only on claims of discrimination against the disabled.  Most of these too are tiring, and I am often embarrassed by them.  Constant claims of injustice often lead to an indifferent audience; e.g. the ‘crying wolf’ analogy.

 For example, once again, there is a lawsuit against Disneyland for not properly accommodating their disabled guests.  Honestly, my initial response was an unsympathetic “now what?”  Don’t get me wrong.  I am all for equality.  I am all for no discrimination.  I am all for civil rights.  I am all for the disabled sharing in the world just as anyone else.  I am also for understanding that things are not the same as anyone else.  I am also for realizing the limits, accepting with dignity what I can’t do, and understanding that the world can never realistically accommodate my every need.

 I appreciate so much the past efforts of disability advocates in getting the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) passed in 1990.  Lawmakers agreed that major changes were badly needed.  Realizing that there were challenges in meeting ALL needs, the agreed goal was to serve the largest percentage of the disabled population as possible.  Gradually, there was a significant increase in the number of ramps, bathroom revisions, handrails, sign language interpreters, braille signage, and modifications to public transportation, hospitals, restaurants, hotels, schools, and sports stadiums.  Indeed, the ADA profoundly improved the quality of life for countless people.

 As anticipated, some disabilities did not benefit as much as others. Sadly, this will always be true no matter how much is done.  For example, I personally need a toilet with a handrail on the right.  Many times, the handrail is on the left or in the back. Neither works for me, rendering usage of the toilet impossible.  I must realize this possibility before I go out.  I must adapt.  I must have an alternate plan.  Before you think that putting a handrail on both sides is an easy answer, it is not. Even attempting to do so would make it harder or impossible for someone else, particularly a wheelchair user.  While this handrail issue poses limits for me, it would be foolish to stomp around claiming that the ADA did not address my needs. It is totally unreasonable to think that every single special need can be, or should be, addressed.  It is simply not possible.  Thus, it is up to us, the disabled population, our family and friends, to find ways to exist in the world.  We must find ingenious and clever ways to adapt.  We must accept that sometimes the alternatives may momentarily wound our dignity. However, in the end, we must always focus on what we CAN do and not so much on what we can’t do.

 The Disneyland lawsuit alleges that some disabled patrons can’t enjoy the theme park.  First of all, I wonder how anyone can enjoy the park with the incredulous admission fees (currently $99) and insufferable long lines but, I digress.

 I have been to Disneyland many times, and I have always felt that they accommodated the disabled superbly.  If one thing didn’t work, they tried another.  They once had a reduced price for a disabled person if they said they couldn’t get on the rides.  This was handy for the elderly too.  Of course, they had no way to regulate this once inside the park so it didn’t take long for some to take advantage of the reduced price and it was discontinued.  Then they allowed a disabled person and their party to go to the front of the line.  Incredibly then, unusually large groups of people claimed they were with a disabled person.  Sometimes, a group would even rent a wheelchair for one of them just so the entire group could go to the front.  Again, this was stopped.  Disneyland then allowed a disabled person to wait at the front of the line for their party to get to the front.  For various reasons, this too was stopped.  It is disappointing that so many people deemed having a disability to be some sort of advantage.

 Disneyland, other amusement parks and public places have made significant modifications for the disabled.  Despite this, the lawsuits continue.  The current one against Disneyland claims that autistic children have trouble understanding the new “line policy” (get a time and come later).  This seems senseless to me.  Parents of disabled children (autistic included) should know their child’s limits and not expose them to avoidable frustration.  They might even be too short to ride so preparing them ahead of time for this possibility is prudent.  It would be ludicrous to claim that the ride company did not consider short kids.  Disabled adults should also anticipate the limits they may face.  Pregnant women and the elderly also have limits.  For me, I must always anticipate that possibly NO bathroom will have a handrail on the right.  Thus, it is my responsibility, and mine alone, to have an alternate plan before I go or maybe not go at all.  Unfortunate? Yes.  Unfair?  Yes. My reality?  Yes.

 More and more people claim to be disenfranchised every day, which makes it more and more difficult to adjudicate legitimate claims. I have seen assertions that all restaurants should have higher (or lower) table heights for disabled guests.  How high?  How low? How many tables?  For which disability?  I have seen demands that bathroom stalls in every public bathroom be large enough to accommodate an adult changing table and 3 people.  I find both of these unreasonable.  The key word throughout the ADA law is “reasonable.”  By definition, reasonable means “fair and sensible, being in accordance with reason.”  

 There are as many individual disabilities and special needs as there are disabled people.  It is not reasonable, certainly not even possible, to accommodate every single need of every single person.  In the end, it will always be up to the disabled person and/or their family to find resourceful ways to face challenges that the majority of the population that quite frankly simply does not face.  It is not fair, it is not fun.  It is unfortunate and sometimes even depressing, but it is no one’s fault.  It is ultimately more productive to adopt an attitude and behavior of meeting challenges graciously and not placing blame for what should be done.  It is infinitely more gratifying to meet challenges head on, to have realistic expectations, to accept what cannot reasonably be changed, to focus solidly on what IS possible, and yes, to be grateful for the changes that have been made.  

 There will always be challenges and limitations for disabled people. There will always be special needs not met.  There will always be unfortunate and unfair circumstances.   How one deals with them is the key.  Acceptance is not the same as “giving in.”  It just is what it is.

  US10��p.Y

[mmvickers]

Dating With a Disability, Part 5 of 5

Three months later, Mike called me.  It was very late and I was very shocked to hear his voice.  I could not believe it was him.  It brought back a familiar flood of memories and my heart physically hurt, but I quickly remembered the dreadful reality that he was married.  He asked, “How are you?”  I replied, “I’m awful but why do you want to know?”  He said, “I just had to know if you were mad at me.”  I was surprised and thought his question was quite odd but I answered, “I am not mad if you are truly in love with someone else.  I am angry beyond description though because I just don’t believe you are.  I still have no idea what happened with us.”  He did not respond.  Then I asked, “It’s 1:30 in the morning.  Why aren’t you home with your new bride?  Does she know you are calling me?”  He said he was still at work and no, his wife did not know he was calling.  I told him that he should go home and not call me again.

 I received another unexpected call from Mike 15 months later. He called on a particularly bad day when I had gone home sick (depressed) from work.  I simply could not get him off my mind and just wanted to crawl in my bed.  Within minutes of getting home, the phone rang.  For a moment, I considered not answering it because, after all, no one knew I was home. But I did answer it and it was Mike. He said he could not stop thinking about me and asked if he could come down right then to see me.  Competing thoughts collided in my head - this would technically be an affair, yet I knew also that I had to see him if I were to have any hope at all of getting over him.  I needed to know if my feelings were the same as they were almost 2 years ago or did they just exist in my head?  I had to know the answers, so I said yes.

 Within 2 hours, Mike was at the door.  Within seconds, it was very clear that absolutely nothing had changed.  For both of us, it was as if we had never been apart.  I wondered if my torment over this guy would ever end.  When he left, I carefully emphasized that I would not be his mistress and that I would not see him again without divorce papers in one hand and a wedding ring in the other.

 A year and a half later, Mike was divorced.  Our relationship continued where it left off. He quit his job as a building engineer and moved from Los Angeles to San Diego into my condo with me.  Soon after, I received my engagement ring.  The words I waited so long to hear finally came, “Will you marry me?”

 Mike and I got married in Las Vegas on October 2, one month after he proposed.  At this point, we had known each other for 11 years.  We had met each other’s families.  We were very confident that this was right.  His family from California, mine from Nebraska, and several close friends were in attendance.  We had a sensational day, ceremony, and a reception at the Steak House at Circus Circus. I was definitely queen for a day. One month later, we had a reception at our neighborhood clubhouse with family and friends.

 Mike’s family and I bonded quite quickly, just like I knew we would.  Their initial reaction was really not that much different than any other family facing the same circumstances.  

 In retrospect, every experience Mike and I went through, including his marriage and divorce, was necessary in order for us to realize that we just had to follow our hearts.  We balance each other like no one else can – it simply took time to learn that we don’t have to explain anything to anyone.  

 As if on cue, soon after our marriage, “Dear Abby,” the newspaper advice columnist, answered a letter from a concerned reader on the subject of falling in love with an amputee.

 “DEAR ABBY:  “.... my daughter has fallen in love with an amputee. We are heartsick.  She is a beautiful girl and could easily get a whole man.  How do parents adjust to knowing their daughter will spend the rest of her life caring for an invalid?

 DEAR PARENTS:  What makes you think he is an invalid?  You would be amazed how well some people can manage on artificial limbs.  There is no reason to be heartbroken.  If he is “whole” enough for her, it says a great deal for her values.  Theirs could be a completely beautiful and fulfilling marriage.”  

 Mike and I recently celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary. Finding the exact right person is indeed possible, no matter what the disability, and no matter who understands it. Sometimes it really is simply just “meant to be.”

  �W0��tǽ�