#life update: i will be putting an offer in on a flat on tuesday next week omg

[tangerinesunbeam]

.

[renaerys]

PPG One-Shot: A Balmy Tuesday in Hell

Taking a break from the prompt requests to wish a very happy birthday to @snailbutters! Tbh I like this idea a lot and I’m tempted to expand on it more. Cross posted on AO3. 

xxx

When Mike went looking for a part-time job to earn some spending money, he had a hard time finding one that worked around his college class schedule. All the good on-campus jobs were taken, and most of the ones he found offsite required him to be up way too early or way too late with very little flexibility. 

The front desk position at the Beelzebob, a local hair salon advertising an array of “wicked styles” for any occasion, was not the most glamorous position, but it welcomed part timers and offered flexible schedules to be discussed on a case by case basis. It was at the tail end of a long week of job hunting with little to show for it, and Mike was tired. Still, he dragged himself all the way there after his three-hour Friday seminar and put on his best retail charm for the interview. 

One of the stylists told him to wait in the lobby while she grabbed the manager for his interview, and so Mike sat in a plush, purple chair and eyed the stack of magazines on the coffee table—HJi, Professional Beauty, NHF, and others he recognized from Googling “how to work at a hair salon” last night. A playlist that seemed to consist entirely of K-pop pumped ripples of bubblegum bass through the speakers and had Mike tapping his fingers on his hip. There was no one behind the sleek, glass reception desk, so Mike got up and wandered over to it. He tried to imagine himself with the headset on, fielding phone calls and helping customers pick out one of the many luxury hair products on the walls behind the desk. He touched his own brown hair—plain and getting a bit long, but styled with a little wax for the day—and worried about whether he should have tried a bit harder for this interview. Would he be judged on his own hair? That seemed reasonable enough—

“This simply won’t do.”

Mike startled at the lyrical voice and turned around to find a seven-foot, red-skinned demon in Lululemons appraising him over an enterprising nose. Which would have been a cause for mild to moderate alarm even in Metroville—a hub for lowlifes, Supervillains, and the occasional monster on a mission out of Townsville farther north—except that Mike recognized this particular demon. At which point he got the pun in the name of this place and smiled. 

“Him,” he squeaked. And then, remembering his high school retail training: “I mean, Mr. Him.”

Him—Prince of Pestilence, Duke of Depravity, Earl of Evil, et cetera—blushed the color of an open wound. “You’re house trained, I see. All right, this way.”

Him turned on his Louboutin heel and headed into the salon. Mike hurried after Him, unsure whether this was good or bad. Him led him to a styling chair and sat him down. A purple salon cape made its way around Mike’s neck with a flamenco flourish, and Him leaned over his head in the reflection. 

“What are we thinking?”

Mike eyed his potential future employer from perfectly curled goatee to artificial mink lashes and hesitated. 

This is a test. 

It had to be. Surely, anyone manning the phones had to know something about haircare in general. If he was to be the vanguard, the watcher on the Wall, he would have to be able to alert his colleagues of the incoming threats and answer questions about how to fend off anything from tangles to split ends. Mike tried to remember the last time he got a haircut; Boomer had been with him, his eye far more discerning than Mike’s. 

“Comb over,” Mike said. 

“Quiff?”

“More faux hawk.” He tried not to think of the heat on the back of his neck, and instead of the sly grin on Boomer’s face the last time he’d been under the scissors. “With a low fade. Um, please.”

Him’s fangs gleamed when he grinned. “Good choice.”

For a demon with claws the size of dinner plates, Him was surprisingly adroit and precise to a literal razor’s edge. In fact, Mike was certain Him must sharpen his claws to get them sharp enough to shave the hair from the nape of his neck, which seemed like a sensible time-saver. Blackpink’s Pretty Savage blared over the speaker as Him coifed and styled the thicker locks that remained on top of Mike’s head, combed to the left in enviable, anti-gravity perfection. 

“Wow.” He touched the side of his head, marveling at the close but generous cut and the perfect blend. “This has to be the best haircut I’ve ever gotten.”

He got up and removed the cape, only to find Him with a broom in his claw. “I run a clean salon, Michael.”

Mike accepted the broom without question. “Yes, sir.”

Him preened. “Good lad.”

“Does… Does this mean I got the job?”

Him flipped his claw. “There will be a trial period. You young people are so used to texting that I’ll have to determine if you’re fit to answer a phone. But, considering your manners, I have a good feeling about you.”

Amazing! “Thank you so much! When do I start?”

“Honey, you’re already late. I have customers waiting.” Him snapped his claw. “Chop chop.”

Mike swept up his shorn hair and the hair around the chair next to his, dumped it all in a bin labeled “Hair,” and ran to the front desk to answer the phone ringing off the hook. The stylist who’d greeted him, Marisol, helped him with the computer login so he could manage appointments and checkout. It was easy enough, a Square card reader and a cash register and a huge logbook of every sale. 

“Middle finger up, F-U, pay me,” Mike whisper-rapped along with Lisa. 

A couple hours later, Him handed him a check for the time worked and told him to be back here tomorrow at 3 p.m. Mike accepted the check, but he didn’t pocket it. 

“Sir, I should tell you for the sake of full disclosure.”

Him peered down at him with his claws on his hips. “Oh?”

This should not be so hard.

“I’m, well, I’m involved. With your son. Boomer.”

Him clicked his claw, and Mike held his breath. 

Boomer had spoken about Him—Baron of Brutality, King of Chaos, Emperor of Enmity et cetera—on just a few occasions throughout their acquaintance. Raising souls from the dead was a hobby of Him’s, apparently, but often his necromantic offspring ended up rotting and were no fit candidates to promenade in civilized society that wasn’t eternally damned and burning. Chemical X cut out that inconvenience, and thus the perfect little boys were reborn, or something. According to Boomer, Him was evil on Sundays, a prolific genius on Tuesdays, and crocheting with his kobolds on Fridays. The rest of the time he was just a normal demon trying to survive in this capitalist post-modern society like everybody else. Anyway, Sunday wasn’t in Mike’s work schedule, so that seemed safe enough.

“I know,” Him said. “You don’t expect me to believe you’d Googled the most flattering hairstyle for your bone structure without help, do you?”

Mike was pretty sure there was a compliment in there, even if it wasn’t for him. “I guess not.”

Him beamed. “Don’t worry. I would never let my favorite son’s romantic life influence the culture at Beelzebob. You’ll be judged before an impartial tribunal of incubi, like everybody else. Now, before you go, I’d like you to dispose of the waste, please.”

Mike learned the value of separating trash that day. Discarded receipts and candy wrappers dumped in the waste bin went into the trash, lunch leftovers went to compost, and cut hair went to sacrificial offerings. 

“Sacrifices reduce our carbon footprint and offer protection against flat Earthers. It’s a proven science, you know.”

Mike supposed it would be poor manners to argue with an ancient evil on his crochet day.

xxx

Boomer was all sly smiles and discreet hand touches when Mike treated him to dinner at their favorite Thai place later that week. 

“So, your job seems to be paying well,” he said. 

“Well enough to take my boyfriend out to a nice dinner now and then.”

“Careful. Spend too much time with Him and your tastes will get really expensive.”

Mike laughed. “Who knows? Maybe I’ll switch majors to cosmetology and join the family business.”

“You know what? He’d probably love that. He tried so hard to get Brick to follow in his footsteps, but Mojo let him mess around on his E-Shares account once when we were eleven and Brick was lost to the finance track forever. I’m pretty sure Mojo did it on purpose.” Boomer leaned in and clinked his wine glass to Mike’s. “Anyway, buy me this dinner before you jump to joining the family business.”

Mike flushed. “I’m—I didn’t—”

Boomer laughed. “Chill! I’m just messing with you.”

The playlist at the restaurant began playing Blackpink’s Kill This Love, and Mike burst out laughing. 

“What?” Boomer asked. “You like this song? You know, Him is really big into K-pop lately. Butch thinks someone must have sold a bunch of souls and made a killing.”

“I know.” Mike kissed Boomer’s hand. “It’s just funny how things work out.”

Boomer smiled. “Yeah. I guess it is.”

Their food arrived, and Mike happily ate his meal across from Boomer. And in the back of his mind, he said a little thank-you to Him and whatever chaotic forces he controlled for reviving Boomer all those years ago. 

It must have been a balmy Tuesday in Hell.

xxx

If you enjoy my writing, check out more of my fics on AO3, link in my profile. I’m currently updating Trinity House and The Alchemy of Us. Thanks for reading!

[perseusjackson-jasongrace]

Empires on the Horizon V

Jason is a CEO: Part V

Here’s my masterlist for the next part and my other stuff

But the most beautiful things in life are just not things.

They’re people and places, memories and pictures.

They’re feeling and moments and smiles and laughter.

-unknown

“Charles Beckendorf,” Jason answered the phone with a smile, “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Hello Grace, how are you?”

“Absolutely wonderful,” And he was, he hadn’t felt so calm in a long time. “What can I do for you my friend?”

“I need your help with the wedding. I’m planning an outdoor structure with video screenings of all our favourite memories and you have two things that’ll make my dreams come true.”

“Anything for you Charlie.”

“The gorgeous meadow on the far side of town, you own that right?”

“Yep, you want to set up shop there?”

“Yes please,” His eagerness carried through the phone, “And can you send me any pictures or videos you have of us so I can add it to the slideshow.”

“Of course, is that all?”

He could hear the excitement in his friend’s voice, “That’s it, unless you know anyone who’s willing to look after the shop while we’re on honeymoon?”

“I can’t say I do but I can ask Hazel to hire a temp if you want?”

“I’ll suggest it to the ladies and tell them to get back to you.”

“Sounds great, and good-luck with the project. I’m excited for the wedding.”

“Me too man, me too. It’s still surreal to me that I’m getting married to my best friends.”

“You deserve the world Charlie.”

“No way, I am crazy emotional these days.” He sniffled.

Jason laughed, “You’re always emotional Beckendorf.”

“Screw you,” He snorted, “See you soon, and thank you again.”

“Bye man, have a good one.”

He ended the call with a smile. It was unbelievable to think he would be going to his friends’ wedding in a couple months. Just the other day he was sitting in a lecture hall laughing at Beckendorf’s impersonation of their business lecturer. Just the other day he was helping Silena and Drew paint the walls of their boutique. It was strange to face the reality that they were all grown up now– moving on with their lives, living them.

“Ready to go Boss?” Hazel’s head popped around the door.

“Yep, you have the files?”

“All in the room already, anything else we need?”

“Maybe some coffee and a miracle?”

“Unfortunately I can only provide one of those things, and it’s not the helpful one.” She gave him an apologetic look.

“Well I guess wish me luck then,”

“You don’t need it Boss, you’re gonna kill it today.”

“What would I do without you Miss Levesque?” He sighed gratefully, walking to the elevator.

“Forget which day of the week it is, and which shoe goes on which foot,” She grinned.

“Hey, the shoe thing was one time.”

“That only works if you’re a toddler, not a grown man.”

“No excuse for the elderly then?”

She shook her head solemnly, “None I’m afraid.”

The elevator doors slid open.

“Meeting Room A5.”

“Let’s do this.” He took a deep breath and pushed the glass door.

“Hello Jason Grace,”

“Hello Octavian.”

Jason always felt some level of life seep out the room when he me with the head of Titan Industries. The man felt…synthetic; chalk white hair gelled down flat and calculating pale blue eyes that missed nothing. Gods even his skin looked unnatural, pasty and veined.

He reached out a small, bony hand in greeting.

“You look as incredible as ever Miss Levesque,” He lifted her hand to his mouth.

She gave him a tight-lipped smile, “Octavian.”

He didn’t seem to notice, or care for her discomfort and simply turned to Jason.

“So,” They sat down, “Have we come to some agreement?”

“With all due respect Octavian I don’t feel this contract is justified.” He glanced between the man and the folder.

There was silence, as if he were waiting for Jason to continue but two could play at this game. He was not willing to be taken for a fool, fumbling over himself to bow to this man’s whims. So he met those cunning eyes, a smile playing at his lips. The only sound was the scratch of Hazel’s pencil as she set up her notes for the meeting.

Moments passed, frozen in time, and then a sigh, “What can I do to ease your concerns?”

He struggled to reel in a smug expression. “Let’s start with the supply times.”

And they went back and forth, pulling and pushing, cunning and stead-fast, a fox and a wolf. Two hours later the contract had been amended to both their liking and they were once again shaking hands.

“I will ask my assistant to send over the revised contract, once my lawyer has looked over it.”

“I will do the same. Thanks for the meeting.” He guided the door open and waited for his guest to move through it.

“Until then, Grace.”

Without waiting for a reply Octavian snapped at his bodyguard and they disappeared down the passage.

“How do you feel about this?”

“There’s something not quite right Hazel, I just can’t figure out his angle.”

“Fully agree,” She shuddered, “He gives me the creeps.”

“Have you managed to find anyone else that could potentially take over this project?”

“Not yet Boss but you will be the first to know when I do.”

“Thanks Levesque, you truly are my saviour.” He gave her a grateful smile.

“Better put that on my gravestone,” She raised a brow.

“Done,” He laughed, “Any other requests?”

“Let’s get subs for lunch. I could do with some bread.”

He shook his head in amusement, “You drive a hard bargain but I’m willing to sacrifice for you.”

“Oh what was your plan Mr big-shot?” She pushed open the door to their offices.

“Today is burrito-bowl day and you know it.”

“I did forget,” She scrunched her nose, “But I’m extra grateful now.”

He snorted at her, ready to give a snarky remark before he was cut off by the shrill ring of his cell phone.

“Talk to me.”

“What’s up Grace, how’s your lunch hour looking?” Leo Valdez greeted.

“Levesque and I are going to get subs at Garden Girl, want to join?”

“I’ll meet you there.” And then he was gone.

“Ever the efficient caller isn’t he,” Hazel chuckled.

“Most days, which is weird since he’s a rambler face-to-face.”

They got to the contemporary restaurant on eighty-fifth avenue, spotting Leo outside.

“Hello,” His smile was wide as he hugged them.

“Who decided to give you a break? Don’t you have lectures right now?”

“Nah,” He grinned, “Guest lecturer teaching my slot this week, so I got two hours free.”

“The beauty of teaching postgrad, I assume?” Hazel asked.

“You know it Levesque!”

“What are we getting?”

“Don’t know about you but I’m getting the ‘Jazz It Up’ sub, got to stick to my New Orleans heritage.”

“Good afternoon my favourite customers? Where’s the rest of the crew?”

Jason smiled brightly, “Hello Katie.”

“Annabeth is at work, she has some big contract finally closing up,” Leo said by way of greeting.

“Frank is doing the security rounds at the office,” Hazel offered.

“Thalia isn’t even in the country right now.” He shrugged

“There’s still someone missing,” She frowned, scanning their faces, “Piper! Where’s the pretty lady?”

“Oh,” Leo winced, “Yea that is a touchy subject.”

Katie gave them a sympathetic look, “Well what can I help you with today? The usual for you Haze?”

They all rattled off their orders and chatted with the owner of Garden Girl while they waited. Jason had met Katie when he was doing business courses for his urban and regional planning degree. Her forest green eyes and bright smile struck him stupid the first time he saw her in their Entrepreneurship and Business Management lecture. He never had the guts to make a move, but it didn’t matter because she had just entered a relationship with Travis Stoll. Now they’re married and expecting a child, as is the latest update.

“How’s Project Hestia going Grace?” Leo asked, pulling out a chair.

“Ugh I’m having a hard time with the outdoor center. I’m not gelling with the contractor, and I don’t know what to do,” He scrubbed a hand down his face.

“I know I can’t ask what exactly is wrong because of legal reasons but what do you need done?”

He motioned to Hazel to explain as he bit into his sub.

“Basically we want to create an outdoor recreation center for the community which includes a gym area, a kids’ area, movies, a park and picnic area, rock climbing, you know the usual.”

“Right that shouldn’t be too hard to draft up,” Dark eyebrows scrunched, “But this guy is what? Trying to fuck you over?”

“Essentially,” Jason nodded, “The problem is we don’t know how?”

“Okay give me the weekend and let me call up some people. I think I know someone who can help.”

His eyes widened, “You are literally the best friend in the entire world. We’ve been looking for weeks, and we haven’t found anyone else who specialises in this.” 

Leo squeezed his hand, “I’m not letting you get screwed over, and my buddy would be more than happy to do it.”

“What’s his name?” Hazel had her phone out, the notes app open.

“Harley, he’s was the youngest kid in our engineering course. I think he graduated with his masters when he was like twenty,”

Jason choked, “What?”

“The kid is incredible. He beat us regularly in our weekly electrotech competitions.”

“Well tell him to give us a call and I’ll set up a meeting with Jason next week. We have until next Friday before we sign contracts with Titan.”

“Sounds good,” Leo plucked a pen he kept behind his ear and scribbled something on his hand, “So Jase,” His grin was trouble.

The blonde narrowed his eyes, preparing himself for trouble.

“What happened with you and Percy? Last I heard you were going on a date on Tuesday and then getting married.”

It was Hazel’s turn to choke, and after she recovered smacked her boss on the shoulder, glaring as if to say what the hell did you not tell me?

He rolled his eyes at his best friend, “I didn’t even get his number because I left so abruptly. And anyway I hear he’s dating Reyna now.”

Leo’s hickory eyes widened, “He’s what?”

“Yea I went by the school about a month ago and Nico told me they were dating.”

“How do they even know each other?”

“They met at the school. She was visiting Nico and he was wanted to become a sponsor cause he used to go there.”

“Yea sounds about right, he’s crazy nice.” Leo nodded

“How have I never met him before the dinner?”

“He moves around a lot,” Leo shrugged, “I’ve only met him a handful of times because whenever he’s here he makes a point to visit Annabeth.”

“Well he sounds like an angel,” His assistant mused.

“Looks like one too,” He muttered, “It’s okay anyway cause I uh–“ He scratched the back of his neck.

“Oh my gods,” Hazel’s earthy eyes glittered, “You met someone!”

Leo clapped his hands, a smile as bright as the sun on his face, “Who are they?”

“We’ve been on one date so no making a big deal about it.” He gave them a pointed look, “But Thalia set us up and she’s… wow.”

“Oh you are real caught up, aren’t you?” They raised twin brows at him.

“She’s just indescribable. She’s gorgeous and that’s the least impressive thing about her.”

“Well tell us everything.” Hazel prodded.

“Okay she’s a vet. She has four sisters, but she doesn’t talk to them much. She believes in order, oh it’s glorious. Everything in its space and a plan for everything.” He looked at Leo then, to which his friend flipped him off and then motioned for him to continue.

“She eventually wants to open her own animal clinic. And most importantly she gets along with Thalia.”

“She sounds like a dream Jase,” Hazel squeezed his shoulder, “I’m really happy for you.”

Leo nodded, eyes bright with love, “You deserve some happiness bud.”

“Thank you guys,” He found it hard to breathe as the overwhelming gratitude he felt for his friends swept through his body.

“Valdez, you’re going to the lake cabins in a couple weeks, right?”

“Oh yep,” Leo wiggled his eyebrows, “And guess what?”

“You are not!” He yelled, and then lowered his voice, “You are lying to me right now.”

“Oh gods,” Hazel caught on, “Are you ready? No wait of course you’re ready! When, how, what?”

“I bought the ring a couple weeks ago. We’ve been talking about it for a few months and this just feels like the right time.”

Jason whistled, “My best friends are finally getting married.”

“Oh gods I hope she says yes,” Leo looked a little sick all of a sudden.

“Of course she’s going to say yes. You guys have been inseparable since that first maths lecture when we all went to the wrong class.”

“There’s no way she turns you down, I’ve seen the way you look at each other.” Hazel agreed.

“The way we look at each other?” Leo frowned at her, confusion evident in his face.

“Like you’re the only ones in the room. Like she is the match and you are the striker.”

Jason nodded, “The moment you two locked eyes at the bonfire it was like the universe threaded two strands through the same needle.”

“Well now I’m emotional and feeling much more confident about it.”

They laughed then, getting up to hug each other. Jason felt the world settle, still, slow. The wind whispered softly, and beams of sun caught between them. If nothing else he had this, and he would hold onto it until his bones were dust and his soul was a star once more.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

So many weddings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tags (if you want to be added to/ taken off the tag list just let me know, all my channels of communication are open): @lesbian-peanuts

@leydiangelo

@queen-of-demons-and-hell

@msdrpreist

@sparkythunderstorm​

@nishlicious-01

@lucyisblue

[xfanfics]

Destiel Fic Rec List Part 7

Last Updated in October 2014. Posted in May 2020 for posterity.  Listed in no particular order - the total rec list will have ~250 fics. Header graphic used with permission.

This part of the list contains: 39 fics.

Other Destiel Rec Lists: [1]. [2]. [3]. [4]. [5]. [6]. [7].

Bare Your Throat and Have Me by highermagic E | 4k | AU, PWP,  a/b/o

Castiel and Dean have only been mated for a few months, but Dean knows how this goes by now.

Deterioration by highermagic E | 33k | Hot,  AU, Cop!Dean, Mystery

Dean has a gift – he can see things. Things that others wouldn't see, motive and calm control between the splatters of blood and fractured mirrors. He solves crimes others simply can't. When bodies are piling up all around him, Dean starts to feel as though he's drowning in it, falling under the weight of his own helpless observations, until he finds something unbreakable. Unwavering. Castiel – if only the man was as good for him as he appears.

Try Something Tuesday by almaasi E | 48k | Fluff, Teacher AU, Librarian Cas

Human AU. Dean Winchester teaches a third-grade class. He's new to this whole ‘bisexual’ thing - but by pure happenstance, he meets Castiel: a particularly dapper male librarian who moonlights as a substitute teacher. Dean's curious and Castiel is willing, so why the hell not? Except, fate never intended it to be one-time-only.

Angel-Cuffed by Luciel89 E | 15k | CANON!verse

Dean wakes up to find himself handcuffed to his angel. Both are annoyed, Sam finds it hilarious and awkward situations await them. But the longer they're tied together, the more things between them start to change...

The Bet List ❤ by StevieCas M | 55k | Fluff,  AU, Underage, wing!kink

"That bet list was the worst thing you've ever come up with, Gabe. If it wasn't for it, I would never have thought about such things. It's bad enough being an earthbound angel, it's bad enough being considered a weirdo even by angel standards. Did I have to be gay as well? Do I even represent a minority or is it just me out there?

I love the world of this fic--and Dean and Cas' relationship dynamic is perfect.    

Ad Astra ❤ by nhixxie T | 17k | Angst

One day Cas says, "Stars died for you, Dean Winchester", against ruffled hair perched atop sun kissed skin and sleepy eyes. Dean stirs, moving to spread his palms against the contour of Cas’ back, tips of fingers languidly strumming the indentations of his spine. One, two, three, four, he counts, the closest he could get to scientifically studying the anatomy of the human body. "Is this some physics crap again?" He frowns with eyes closed. Cas smiles softly. "Far from it. "Dean’s fingers play at the base of his back, ninth thoracic vertebrae, Cas notes. "Then tell me all about it.”

Read it and weep. If this were published, I would buy it.    

Sensitive by nevergotwings E | 1k | wing!kink

Curiosity sparks when Dean gets the urge to touch Castiel's wings.

An Exercise in 'Worthless' ❤ by beastofthesky

M | 26k | AU, Tattoos

"I mean, you’re–" He gestures at Cas, in his neat oxford shirt and nice pants. “–and I’m a high school dropout who tattoos for a living." Wherein Dean makes a hefty living as a tattoo artist who owns the space next to Gabriel's cafe. Sam attends the local university. When Gabe's cousin comes to live with him while starting grad school at Sam's university, Dean thinks for sure that all his negative karma's coming to bite him in the ass because Cas clearly has a thing for Sam. No one would ever choose him over Sam. That's just logic.

Perfection everywhere. Dean's lack of self-worth is explored, and there are tattoos.    

Of ties and wings by perpetuallycaffinated E | 4k | Hot,  PWP, wing!kink

Jealousy, ties and and impatient angel. Also, wings.

pie | by perpetuallycaffinated E | 3k | Hot,  PWP

Dean uses pie to eat out Castiel. That's pretty much it.

I Say, But I Mean by inplayruns T | 4k | Coffee Shop AU

Dean runs a bed & breakfast. Cas works in a coffeeshop.

Heavenly Delights by TamrynEradani T | 2k | Fluff, Coffee Shop AU

Gabriel owns Heavenly Delights, the coffee shop Cas works at and on the day before Thanksgiving, Cas sees someone looking down so he brings him a hot chocolate, and Gabriel conspires to get them together.

New Eyes by ozzutly E | 1k | Canon!Verse

Dean sees Castiel's true form. He decides he likes it.

Resonance by definitely_indecisive G | 1k | Canon!Verse, Soul Bond

The battered and abused presence had poked warily out, almost as if expecting harm. He let his grace drift forward to meet the soul instantly, putting off all of the warmth he could muster. The presence seemed to stutter for a second, before melding itself into Castiel's grace. He allowed the soul to do so, cradling it with his core. He could feel the tiredness and abuse from the poor thing, yet also the amazing light it gave off as it started to slowly heal because of his grace. He could tell this was the most unique soul he had ever met, and that he wouldn't forget the feeling of the presence for all of millennia.

My Roots Take Flight by KismetJeska M | 125k | Reverse!verse, s4 AU

After forty years in Hell, Dean’s more than willing to accept the offer: become a guardian angel and earn his freedom. But his new ward seems destined to hunt alongside Sam, and there are secrets in Heaven that the angels don’t want found out. Dean’s going to have to choose between his duty and the people he loves- and to work out just where Castiel fits in.

Angel Airlines by dancingloki E | 19k | Hot, Airline AU

Dean is an airline pilot with a raging hard-on for his head flight attendant. Fluffy fluffy fluff.

El Tango de Amor by literaryoblivion E | 16k | AU, Fluff,  Angst,

Every Tuesday and Thursday, Dean leaves, is gone for two to three hours, and comes home sweaty and exhausted to the apartment he and his brother Sam share. Sam had asked him where he went once, and Dean had said he was working out, which technically wasn’t a lie. What he was doing was definitely giving him a workout, just not in the traditional sense. In all actuality though, Dean was leaving every Tuesday and Thursday for a dance class. A dance class taught by a one Castiel Novak.

Ugly Sweater!Verse ❤ ❤ by nerdylittledude E | 193k  | Canon!verse,Fluff,  Post s5

If they really go back and think about it... it all started with a tree. A Christmas tree, that is. Castiel is human now, and the apocalypse is not only over, it's been averted. Sam's away at NYU, finally finishing law school, and Dean's stuck in what is probably the most awkward situation of his life. He's not exactly sure how he ended up sharing a flat with Cas in Media, Pennsylvania, but he does know the curious would-be angel is sort of derailing his plans for a life of decadence and booze. Cas is trying to make the best of his humanity by exploring human holidays. Dean can't exactly complain because he's pretty much the reason Cas got his wings clipped in the first place. Dean didn't actually want to fall in love, but how was he supposed to know it would all start with a goddamn tree?

 My favorite fic ever. I don't know how many times I've read it. There is switching, fluff, angst, and slow building romance. I will rec this forever.    

More Than Alien Mojo by remivel

E | 29k | Men in Black AU, Fluff,

Dean was one of Men in Black's best agents. In fact, he's been knee deep in extraterrestrial crap his whole life, and he's gone through more apocalypses than he could care to remember. He thought he's seen it all-- until he and his partner, Sam, were sent out to a routine meteorite crash inspection. What was supposed to be a meteorite turned out to be a golden spaceship, and instead of hitchhiking intergalactic pathogens, it was an alien that took the form of a human male. A very naked human male. Soon, they discovered that this alien named 'Castiel' was a refugee from a war-torn galaxy.The first of his kind to ever venture to Earth, Castiel agreed to share information about his galaxy and his race in exchange for his relocation on Earth. The only catch was: since Castiel was a new alien species, nobody knew what he was capable of, whether he was as harmless as E.T., or as dangerous as the Predator. And it was Dean's job to keep an eye on him and assess just how much of a threat Castiel could be, and if necessary, eliminate him. It wasn't a job Dean was looking forward to doing. Especially since he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off him, naked or not.

Come On With the Rain by remivel E | 36k | High School AU, dubcon

When Castiel was 15, his life changed. In one tragic instant, he lost his parents, and he was forced to live with his Uncle Bobby in Lawrence, Kansas. There he met the Winchester boys, Sam and Dean, who were living next door. He thought Sam was pleasant, and Dean, well, Dean was special. Three years passed and Castiel’s relationship with the boys developed in an unexpected way. Sam became his best friend. But Dean was a different story. Dean was not Castiel’s friend. He was a neighbor, a classmate, the brother of Castiel’s best friend, and the guy who worked part time at his uncle’s salvage yard. That was all. But on the rare times that Dean asked Castiel for help, Castiel couldn’t find it in him to turn him down. Because this was Dean. And the answer would never be “no” when it came to Dean.

Crossroads State by Mercy M | 51k | AU

Castiel has a nice predictable structured life teaching high school, even if he happens to be overqualified for it. Then this guy moves in around the corner and literally knocks him on his ass.

Heart of Glass by omphalos E | 17k | Canon!Verse

He's the one who was punished, severely, because of his feelings for Dean, but who still gave up everything for him in the end. Surely there should exist between them a better level of comprehension than this.

Domesticated by kototyph E | 15k | AU

Being the only angel in the entire Pacific Northwest can be tiring, even if these days Castiel spends more of his time shoveling manure than fighting off the hordes of hell. It's an occupational hazard, unfortunately; he earns most of his living rehabilitating wild animals a few miles outside Spokane. Wild animals like Dean, for instance— a mountain lion who's entirely too smart for his own good. There's a man in Castiel's dreams named Dean too, but that part's just a huge coincidence.

Excite by perpetuallycaffinated E | 3k | Crack, wing!kink

"Sam Winchester, I am going to carnally worship your brother whether you are in this room or not.

Snapshots 'Verse ❤ by highermagic E | 60k [WIP] | AU, Wing!kink, a/b/o, omega!dean

A series of one-shots following the meeting, courting and eventual love between an Angel doctor named Castiel and an Angel teacher by the name of Dean.

Less of a WIP, more of a series of one-shots. Rowan's worldbuilding is lovely, and the sex is perfect as usual. EDIT: Apparently this has been removed.

Angel's Wild ❤ by riseofthefallenone E | 389k | AU, H/C, Wing!kink

But that’s the whole reason he’s here, isn’t it? He’s not out here hunting Humans. He’s not even hunting deer, or bears, or anything else that featured in Bambi. He’s out here, freezing his nuts off every night, because he’s hunting Angels. Sometimes Dean wishes that Angels were like how they’re described in the Bible. How people from time too old for him to care much about thought Angels were messengers and warriors of God, protectors of Humans. He knows that how they’re really described in the Bible is actually pretty terrifying, but at least they were told by God that they’re supposed to love Humans, right? That’s a thousand times better than what Angels really turned out to be.

Perfection. Go read it now.    

Sharing Hands by almaasi E | 6k | Hot, Canon!Verse

Dean feels something strange when he touches himself, and realises Cas has been using him as a vessel ever since he came back from Purgatory.

The Good Samaritan Rule by manic_intent E | 6k | AU, wing!kink

Written for deancaskink: "Dean and Castiel are both angels and brothers-in-arms. During a battle, Cas's wings get hurt and [it's] up to Dean to help him out. In the process, Cas finds out how sensitive his wings are and well Dean is Dean no matter what his form [is], so this leads to lovely first time sex." God never made humans. Instead, he made the angels in his image, and on the sixth day he made the is him, and gave them free will.

How (thanks to Gabriel) Dean and Castiel (accidentally) raised each other (and Sam) ❤ by Vera_Dragonmuse E | 69k | AU, Sam/Gabriel

In which, Gabriel meddles with the time line and Castiel becomes Dean's angel rather sooner than intended.

Out of the Deep ❤ by riseofthefallenone E | 488k | AU, h/c

Stay away from the light-beds. Stay in the deep. It is the first thing hatchlings are taught the moment their fans unfurl and they can swim without their parents to buoy them along. It is the first rule, the first law. It is the beginning of every boogey-monster bedtime story told when they settle against the cliffs to sleep. Castiel should have listened better.

It's long, but worth it.    

Feathers by brightly_lit M | 90k | Angst, Wing!kink, D/s

In an alternate season 5 scenario, Dean, Sam, and twenty of their closest hunter friends stopped the apocalypse by closing the gates to heaven, hell, and purgatory. Now working with his former hunter buddies at Ellen's security company, Dean doesn't know what to make of his weird new coworker who always wears a trenchcoat and leaves behind feathers everywhere he goes. He especially doesn't know that, cut off from the power of heaven, the constantly falling feathers mean his new friend is dying. "Creation cried out against the injustice of a righteous man in hell. I answered its cry.

Vita Nuova ❤ by wordaccordingtofangirls M | 61k | Teacher AU

AU. Dean Winchester takes a job as a teaching assistant to get his little brother into a prestigious academy. He doesn't quite expect such long nights and snobby kids, but the real surprise is professor Castiel Novak: or falling in love with him, that is.

Like a Parched Land by twoskeletons E | 8k | reverse!verse

Written for the following prompt: "Reverse!verse: Castiel is the Righteous Man and Dean is the angel who drags his ass out of Hell." This is an AU version of episodes 5x01 through 5x03.

The Cabin by bookkbaby E | 16k | Canon!Verse, Wing!kink

For an angel, the building of a Nest is sacred. Dean doesn't understand. Written for the 2013 DCBB.

Pies and Prejudice by linoresearch E | 97k | AU

Dean didn’t even want to enter this damn competition. He was happy with his life, more or less. It might not look like much from the outside, or to a younger brother headed towards a big time law career, but it wasn’t so bad that Dean needed to scrabble around for any opportunity to make a change – particularly not one as stupid as this. He’s going to throttle Sam the next time he sees him, for getting him involved in this ridiculous Bake-Off TV show. It’s bad enough that Dean has to cook in front of people he doesn’t know; he now has to go through the humiliation of being judged on it too. Its humiliation piled on humiliation, and to make matters worse Dean has to play nice with all the other suckers involved, like that rich dick-bag Castiel Novak. God, he hates that guy, and he hates that someone so awful has such a frustratingly fine ass. Written for the Dean/Castiel Big Bang 2013

The Breath of All Things ❤ by KismetJeska T | 65k | AU, H/C Angst,

Dean Winchester was twenty-six years old when a car accident killed his father and left him paralysed from the waist down. A year and a half later, Dean is in a wheelchair and lives in a care home in Kansas, where he spends his days waiting to die. It's only when Castiel Novak starts volunteering at the care home that Dean starts to wonder if a changed life always equals a ruined one.

So angsty, and so, so perfect.    

All the Way ❤ by cadignan E | 81k | College AU

Castiel spends the first two weeks of college in much the same way he spent the previous years: alone with his books. He’s fine with it—he enrolled in college to learn, after all. Then in his first chemistry lab, he has the bad luck of being paired with snide, good-for-nothing Ruby, and the further misfortune of sitting behind Dean Winchester, the world’s most beautiful distraction. Ruby catches Castiel staring at Dean and makes him an offer.

Destiel, Actually by Bloodism E | 15k | Crack Fluff,

Picture your typical rom-com cliché. Now picture Dean stuck in that rom-com cliché. With Castiel. Because that's what happening to him - a crazy whirlwind of your typical-and-not-so-typical cliché's. He's playing the main lead in all of them and Castiel's his counterpart. Of course, the culprit is obvious. Gabe's enjoying himself too much, lying back on his favourite cloud with a tub of salted popcorn. It was about time someone kicked the two knuckleheads into gear.

Suburban War by squeemonster E | 100k | High School AU

Moving to Lawrence with his family is the most significant event of Dean Winchester's life. It brings a stability he's never known, and the only thing to have more of a profound impact on him is Castiel Novak: the two boys become fast friends the day they meet. But as Dean grows older, he dreams for something beyond the monotony and constraints of suburbia, and he is haunted by the inexplicable feeling that he was born for something more than what this life offers. As he struggles to reconcile the person he yearns to be with what his family and friends expect of him, a fateful choice exposes just how fragile his life in the suburbs is, and possibly risks losing the best friend he's ever had.

[bigskydreaming]

So I’ve been going through all my old Scrivener files and rounding up all the various fics and updates I’m planning on queuing up to post during the month/however-the-fuck-long I’m bedridden after surgery in a couple weeks. Which includes Teen Wolf as well as Batfics, FYI. 

Anyway, came across this old WIP that I never ended up posting because I ultimately thought it felt too similar to both Where Wild Things Are and Lightning Crashes, just in different ways....not enough that any of them were derivative of each other, but enough that I wasn’t super inspired to continue writing it because the vibe I was going for with it, I was already getting from writing those other two fics.

But I still liked it and think there was some good stuff there, so what the hell. Here’s an opening from a never-planning-on-finishing-it Scallison AU, where things diverged from canon right after the Hale fire six years pre-pilot, and there was a different-from-canon McCall pack at war/trying to survive Peter’s pack in its attempts to stamp theirs out. 

The Scallison part starts out in the vein of the ABC show Revenge, where Scott’s initially just trying to keep an eye on the hunters in town/figure out where the Argents land in all of this, but then, y’know. The feelings happen.

Anyway, it was chock full of my favorite TW writing tropes - runaway/long lost Scott, pack politics, side characters turned main characters, scheming, double-dealing, Scott Is A Goddamn Genius and No I Do Not Accept Constructive Criticism On This Matter For It Is Wrong....you know, my usuals.

I did have a pretty extensive outline/summary for the rest of the fic and my plans for it, that I can post if there’s any interest in reading that and seeing where this was going. *Shrugs* Just let me know.

WHAT THE FIRES LEFT BEHIND

Scott McCall came home on a Tuesday.

For Allison, that didn’t mean much at first.  Her only context for the mass text was the bemused quirking of Lydia’s lips and a rather underwhelming ‘Huh.’ Then a shrug and a flick of her hair, and her best friend by default returned to ruffling through the Macy’s clearance rack with a vengeance.

“Awful. Grotesque. Needs to be set ablaze, immediately - ”

Allison nodded to herself and bore continued witness to Lydia’s evisceration of every hack designer of every fashion atrocity present, though sadly, the novelty of that had long since worn off. It was 7 pm on a school night. They’d been scouring the mall for something to meet Lydia’s approval for three hours already, and Allison did have trigonometry homework she could be torturing herself with instead, so….

Tough call. Hard choices had to be made. Allison steeled herself for battle and called Lydia Martin on her bullshit.

“Why are we here again? You hate Macy’s, and you absolutely despise clearance items.”

“I know that, and you know that.” Lydia emerged from a forest of polyester blouses wearing a look of disdain that had a ph level that would put any acid in the school’s chem lab to shame. “But I’m trying to see if I can find something here to start a trend with anyway.  Call it…a social experiment.”

“Hmm.” Allison nodded again thoughtfully. Briefly, she considered mercy. But she had just wasted three hours of her life. And mercy wasn’t really the Argent family way. 

She pulled the trigger. “You sure its not called Daddy cut your spending limit?”

Her melodrama-prone friend threw her hands up as if to express the whole world had gone mad and nothing made any sense. “It’s like he’s not even trying to buy my affection anymore!”

Allison coughed into her hand to smother a giggle. Being able to so easily rile up her friend when all others’ attempts dashed themselves harmlessly upon Her Majesty’s porcelain mask of perfection? Still her favorite sport next to archery. But certain social norms must be respected. One didn’t openly mock a friend in such obvious distress. She quickly changed the subject. For Lydia’s sake, really.

“So who’s Scott McCall?”

Lydia paused midway through working herself up to a truly tickets and popcorn-worthy rant, thrown by the sudden segue. “What?”

Allison waved her phone, flashing the mass text Danny had sent out to pretty much everyone in the Beacon County zip code.

“Scott McCall’s back. He just walked into the Sheriff’s Station. Stiles saw him himself,” she read out loud. “Who’s Scott McCall?”

“Oh. That.” Lydia tore her horrified gaze away from a leopard print mini-skirt and shrugged. “He’s this guy from our class who disappeared seven years ago. You know that Dunbar kid’s stepmom, Melissa? It’s her son.”

“Wait, seriously? And he’s our age? How have I never heard about this before?”

“I don’t know, Allison,” Lydia rolled her eyes. “Maybe because normal people don’t talk about things that depress them? It was a long time ago anyway.”

“I can tell it had a real effect on you,” Allison said, with just a touch of acid herself.

“I’m in the midst of a personal financial crisis currently. I’ll care when its over. Besides, its not like anyone has any details yet. Pointless gossip is for the peasants.”

“So what happened anyway?” Allison asked. Lydia shot her a look and she smiled innocently. “What? I’m comfortable with my peasant status. And I’ve lived here almost two years now and never heard a word about this. How can I not be curious?”

“Well this was an utter waste of time,” Lydia said under her breath as she gingerly replaced a sequin-studded monstrosity back on the rack, seemingly preoccupied once more. Or possibly just flat-out ignoring her. 

The menace of the malls then raised her eyes to the ceiling as if despairing at the world at large, heaved a sigh that was practically a soliloquy unto itself, and ran her fingers through her hair in some kind of ritual of self-composure. 

Once she’d observed the proper formalities for conceding her quest was officially a failure - at least, Allison was pretty sure that’s what she was doing, though she’d rather not commit to that, given that some of the intricacies of her friend’s habits still eluded her grasp - Lydia finally slung her purse over her shoulder and set off towards the exit with an imperious wave of her head. 

It was only when her brisk walk stalled out while waiting for the garage elevator that Her Highness deigned to address the lowly commoner’s curiosity. 

Allison just sighed internally. She’d long since made her peace with her friend’s little power games. They were entertaining as often as they were exasperating, so it was sort of a pick your battles type situation, and Allison preferred to err on the side of not waking the beast beneath Lydia’s deceptively dainty exterior.

“You know about the Hale fire, right?” Lydia asked.

Allison nodded. It wasn’t an everyday topic of conversation by any means, but it had come up at least once or twice since her family moved to Beacon Hills two years prior. Talk of the tragedy had even made an appearance in her own home, in a couple of muffled shouting matches between her parents that she’d only caught bits and pieces of.

“Yeah, my Aunt Kate actually lived around here back then. That was the fire that killed that whole family, right?”

“Right. So it was pretty much right around that same time. Scott went missing just a few days after. A lot of people even wondered if there might have been a connection, there were rumors the fire was arson, I don’t know. It was a whole thing, and we were only ten at the time, you know? Anyway, Scott’s dad was this hotshot FBI agent. There were search parties for like two months, but they never found a body or anything. Most people eventually figured it probably had something to do with one of his dad’s cases.”

“And now he’s back,” Allison prodded when Lydia lapsed into silence. The smaller girl just chewed on her lower lip, staring at the wall of the garage almost pensively.

“And now he’s back,” she echoed with a distracted nod of her head.

“That’s....interesting,” Allison offered tentatively. She wasn’t entirely sure what to make of the mood that had fallen over her friend, like a spell had settled upon her the moment she’d actually stopped and reflected on her memories of the events in question. 

It seemed somewhat conspicuous to her that Lydia made no mention of who Scott was beyond just the victim of some strange small-town mystery, and so she was uncertain just how cautiously she needed to tread here. Had they been childhood friends? Mere acquaintances? Something else, likely as baffling and unexpected as most things about Lydia Martin tended to be?

But the born and raised Beacon Hills native just shrugged one shoulder listlessly and twirled a strand of strawberry-blond hair around a finger.

“It’s something,” she said at last. The elevator arrived at their level with an almost cheerful-sounding ding that was at odds with the somber mood they stood draped in. Lydia shook herself, a full body kind of motion not unlike a dog drying itself off.

“Are you coming?” She tossed over her shoulder at Allison, sounding almost exasperated, as though she hadn’t been the one just standing there staring at the wall for a good ten seconds after the elevator doors had slid open.

Allison sighed and shook her head, but she held back any retort and instead simply followed her friend down into the lower levels of the garage. Now was not the time to pursue...whatever that whole thing had been, just now. 

Lydia Martin had just unwillingly displayed an emotional reaction in front of another person. It was too dangerous to prod for further weak spots in her armor without letting at least a day or two pass first.

The self-styled Queen of Beacon Hills had relieved commoners of their heads for lesser offenses than that.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E43 (December 4, 2018)

Tonight’s episode features Marisha Ray and Travis Willingham!

Announcements for tonight: 

New Pumat shirt! Matt and Taliesin will also be playing some Fortnite with a Pumat voice pack. As you do.

#EverythingisContent stream tomorrow at 4PM Pacific: games on the all-new MAME cabinet!

Travis’ FPS stream will be happening next week!

Travis strongly recommends tuning in right at the start of the episode on Thursday. Right at the start. You and all your friends. Don’t miss it. There’s a sneak preview of some sort of animation!

Check out Gil Ramirez’s (an amazing smith, but also of “don’t fuck me Gil” fame) kickstarter!

Stats!

This episode had more spells cast than any previous episode: 76.

3rd time Beau has attempted to Extort Truth, and the 2nd time it’s succeeded.

Fjord has used four potions, all administered to other people. Brian: “For as much as you like swallowing... potions, not so much.”

Fjord has just passed Molly’s natural 20 count, reaching 26. Beau still sits at the top, with 49.

Travis and Marisha agree that this was one of their top five episodes of the show.

Fjord “totally dug” Caleb’s call to go with Wall of Flame to bring the situation with Avantika to a head. He points out that they’d had a conversation about keeping this whole situation in check if need be.

Brian: “You sound like McCree’s drunk uncle.”

The group planned (”we obsessed”) over the game for the entire two weeks, hundreds and hundreds of messages. It pretty much went according to plan. Marisha: “We had contingency plans. We had an ideal initiative, but we were like, if we fuck up, then Nott will take the journal. We had main roles and then understudies.”

Fjord thinks being able to summon demons is pretty much in line with all the weird shit that’s happened to him up to this point. He hasn’t even considered the consequences. Marisha: “I feel like that’s this entire mission. We’ll consider the consequences later.”

During the “I... wait” scene, Brian and Dani were yelling at their TVs, Travis was trying to telepathically communicate, and Marisha had complete tunnel-vision. She knew that if she’d fucked that up, they would have all died. She turned to Travis after Beau got up there and realized, “It’s just me and my words.”

Gif of the Week: the executive goth approves of Fjord’s demon-summoning! Henry models the prize:

Travis gets asked why Fjord slipped into his real voice when yelling that Caleb needed help. Travis pleads the Fifth: “My what?”

Marisha had no idea her mention of the Cobalt Soul would carry so much weight with the Plank King. It was a last-ditch effort after Fjord’s diplomacy fell flat with him. Travis desperately wants to know how much of what Beau said was true.

Brian: “Only Mercer could make Plank King cool again... Planking? Remember?” There is a brief threat of mutiny in the studio. It’s a Tuesday.

Matt mentioned to Marisha that, if Avantika had been allowed to speak, she would’ve called for a trial. Things could’ve gone very wrong for the Nein.

Out-of-context quote of the night: Dani: “Can you fit a puppy in your pocket?” Travis: “Yes, I’m enormous.”

Beau is surrounded by people who can do all sorts of absurd magic, “so of course she’s like, ‘Yeah, I can punch the shit out of you. I’ll start a fucking fight to do it!’”

Travis isn’t working with anything custom for his class, apart from the sword. Brian: “So your gag reflex is right out of the Handbook?” Travis: “That and personal experience.”

Travis on Fjord’s reaction to Avantika’s death: “All great stories are laced with truth. That fucked me up, because I hadn’t realized until that point that if she’s toast, I won’t get to ask her questions.” Not to mention the whole island having reactions to Vandren’s name. “I went back and watched it twice. The ritual, the tattoos, how she found her sphere, all of that shit, I’m feeling more like I knew less of the man than I thought I knew, and she knew more about him than I ever did. It’s fucking me up.”

Fanart of the Week: “I... wait.”

Marisha on Avantika’s very sudden death: “You know how things happen, and you go, wow, I should’ve seen that coming...” The outcome of the first plan was just to get her arrested, and then the fight happened, so she wasn’t thinking about immediate repercussions. She was expecting an arrest, and maybe she’d get executed after they left, but “I mean... that was brutal.” Travis: “It just kept escalating, and then she kept saying nothing after nothing. We’re going to be front row center for this.”

Travis: “Fjord is Lawful Good, clearly--” Brian: “You’re fooling no one with that Lawful Good bullshit, Travis.” Travis: “At least 40% of the audience. Lawful Good. Clearly feels a little distressed that she had to pay with her life.” But he points out that it wasn’t the first time Fjord wanted to see her dead. “If he could’ve seen to it himself, I think he would’ve.” It’s not something he’s very practiced with, but he’s emboldened by his new abilities.

Beau was definitely intimidated by the Plank King, but still had a bit of her contempt for authority figures. “I think it set in pretty hard that she was going to be terse, she was going to be blunt, but she wasn’t going to try anything that was going to get her throat slit immediately.”

Travis hadn’t intended to start picking up pieces of lost friends as part of his identity (Molly’s sword, Vandren’s accent), but it felt like the right fit, since he’s trying to establish his identity for the first time. He’s emulating what he admires about them.

Fjord’s in his early 30s. Beau’s in her early 20s. Playing Beau younger than Marisha lets her give Beau a little extra room for development; it also makes sense with her backstory. For Fjord, he was old enough to have mostly figured out what he was doing... and then everything changed.

Travis: “Fjord saw in Vandren a leadership that empowers people to rise in their station.” It’s about the team succeeding, not one person gaining more power. He’s constantly trying to put people in different situations for success.

Fjord is very attached to this group, but he’s also uncomfortable with how much attention is starting to be put on him. His whole survival mechanism is based on blending in, and being pushed to the front and being forced to make decisions is hard for him (Travis: “And me.”). Fjord is loving everything that’s been happening. The world’s never been richer or more exciting, and he wants to protect that if he can.

Brian: “Are you preparing for when things are as Beau-focused as they are... Fjord-focused right now?” No pun intended. Beau: “It’s a horror that you cannot prepare for. One day Matt will just introduce an NPC and he’s going to look at you and he’s going to be like, ‘Hello, Beau,’ and I’m going to be like ‘AHHH’.” Travis: “The tension is palpable. It’s real.” They compliment Taliesin on his handling of the first character-centric arc in the first campaign.

Brian jokes about everyone stumbling into Yasha’s story while Ashley’s still away, so Travis would have to play her through the whole thing. Travis gives a sneak-preview of how that would go, grabbing Beau’s hand and staring deeply into her eyes.

A gift for Travis from fans! He’s blown away.

Talks Machina: After Dog

Essential update on Henry: he likes wearing costumes because “it feels like being hugged”. There’s talk about him doing a Grog cosplay.

Pumat impressions all around. Travis’ is, according to Marisha, “Like Grog doing a Pumat impression.” Marisha has some practice because she was the one who wrote all the Pumat promos. Travis: “Wow, that puts your Swedish accent to shame.”

Fjord and Jester? “Fjord picks up on some subtle things and some not-so-subtle things, and then probably second-guesses those things.” He’s not too sure where they stand.

Everyone’s worried about their favorite artists’ tumblrs.

Travis reads the German on the back of his chocolate. Marisha: “There are way more syllables there than what you said.” Travis offers the last chocolate to Brian, and promptly eats it in front of him instead. “You gotta act fast on that shit.”

There were some ideas that didn’t work out: Travis was going to cast a spell so everyone could breathe underwater, and they were going to jump off the ship.

A question for Henry: Who’s a good boy?

Quote from the text thread: “Oh shoot. There is an a-hole with a crossbow. Dangit.”

Finally, in case you were losing sleep wondering, Brian is still dabbing every time he says the word “slash” in a URL. Further updates as warranted. 

[carmenlire]

Higher than the Big Trees Ch. 45

read chapter one

read on ao3

Sitting at the desk in front of the room, Magnus studies his students. The room is silent save for a cough here or there, the scuffle of shoes, the jittery click of a pen in the top corner.

His mouth turns up as he hears the first flipping of the page. Taking an idle glance at the clock, he raises a brow. The final for this class was a Blue Book exam and it’s only been five minutes-- either someone really knew their shit or they were bullshitting so hard that he’d need a second red pen when it came time to grade.

Leaning back in his chair, Magnus’s focus turns back to his phone. Alec had been infuriatingly tight-lipped the past couple of weeks about work. Magnus knows that his boyfriend is getting closer and closer to finishing the album but no matter how much he pries-- or what he offers in exchange for a sneak peak-- Alec refuses to let Magnus listen to it.

He’s got to admit that he’s curious. After hearing the single back in September, he’d never said anything to Alec. It seems silly, especially after Florence, but he didn’t want to jinx anything. He didn’t want to be presumptuous only to have Alec give him that blank eyed stare that infuriates him, always accompanied by a slow blink that lets the recipient know exactly how foolish Alec thinks they are.

So, he’d kept his mouth shut but he can’t help but hope. It’s a little heady, the possibility that Alec’s written a song-- several songs, even-- about him. About them.

They’re chatting about plans for tonight and Magnus worries his bottom lip as he reads over Alec’s latest text.

I was thinking we could go out for dinner? I have reservations at Momofuku Ko tonight

Magnus stares down at his phone, mildly appalled.

Darling, that place is expensive hell. It’s a Tuesday night, no need to be so extravagant.

Didn’t you say you wanted to try it? What, I can’t do something nice for my boyfriend?

Fingers flying over his screen, Magnus replies, That was idle conversation, Alexander! Plus, don’t you need reservations at least a month in advance?

He doesn’t even have to wait a minute for Alec’s response.

I might have made them the day after you mentioned wanting to try it.

Rolling his eyes, Magnus’s exasperation is sorely tempered with fondness.

You’re too good to me, Alec

……. So you’re okay with going there for dinner?

Huffing out a laugh that has half his students glancing up at him before turning back to their exams, Magnus grins as he types, As long as you’re okay going dutch.

He actually laughs out loud as he reads Alec’s short reply a few seconds later.

Not a chance in hell, babe.

Shaking his head, Magnus pockets his phone as he looks up at the few dozen students furiously writing in their Blue Books.

Life has settled into a routine that’s mostly what it was before. It’s just that now he has Alec to come home to more often than not.

He still wakes up early and sometimes he lets Alec persuade him to join him at Fuel for an early morning workout. Magnus comes to work and loves what he does and sometimes Alec joins him for lunch.

His day ends and he goes back to the loft where he’ll spend a couple of hours grading or planning or writing-- though not his book, Thank Christ, that’s off to the printer now-- before he meets Alec for a date.

Most nights they spend together and while they alternate between places, it’s usually Alec who comes over to the loft lately.

Magnus doesn’t quite understand it-- Alec’s penthouse is what dreams are made of-- but it’s nice to see Alec so comfortable in his space, among his things.

As his thoughts turn unforgivably sappy, Magnus figures he’s entitled.

It’s his birthday, after all.

Not that he’s told Alec that, of course. Magnus doesn’t know why he hasn’t told his boyfriend that his birthday was coming up, but it had just never seemed the right time.

In any case, he’s not too fond of the day anyway. For the past decade, it’s been little more than a reminder of a childhood he’d tried his damnedest to forget. Until his father was sent to jail, his birthday had always been a big, blowout affair. He’d always had birthday parties and cake and almost too many presents to handle.

His father always took the day off and he let Magnus skip school and they’d spend the day together doing whatever Magnus wanted. When he was very little, there had been mini-golfing and arcades and the zoo. As he’d gotten older, Asmodeus had taken him to the movies, to get his first piercing, and on his sixteenth birthday-- just a few months before his life imploded-- he’d been surprised with a trip to the dealer. Asmodeus had gifted him a brand new Mercedes SUV.

Damn but he’d loved that car, until it had been repossessed at any rate.

No, Magnus reflects. After everything had happened and his father had been sentenced, Magnus had spent a few years flat out not acknowledging his birthday. His foster families hadn’t cared, that was for damned sure, and Magnus hadn’t been close enough with anyone to celebrate.

For a few years, there hadn’t been anything to celebrate, not to him.

But then he’d gone to Yale and had been surprised as hell when Ragnor and Cat had casually left him presents one morning. He still doesn’t know how they figured it out but it had touched him far more than a paperback and an eight dollar bottle of wine should have. They had never made a thing out of it and for that, Magnus was exceedingly grateful.

Still, that doesn’t help matters much now. Magnus feels a little guilty for keeping something so innocuous from Alec, especially after he’d gone to such lengths for his birthday in September, but with a little shrug, Magnus idly thinks about taking Alec out for ice cream after dinner tonight and telling him.

Breaking out of his thoughts, Magnus smiles at the student standing in front of the desk. He’s expecting a question but doesn't say anything when the student merely tosses their exam on the desk between them and turns to leave without a word.

Amused, Magnus looks at the clock and sees that it’s only been half an hour. This exam block was three hours and this class in particular was an upperclass elective on the History of Modern India. Magnus had created the exam and by his estimate, it should take at least an hour and a half.

There are three sections: term identification where there are twenty definitions and students must choose ten to discuss-- people, places, events that were significant to the semester’s content. Then there are the mini-essays where students pick three out of five significant eras and explain why they were so impactful. Finally, they have to pick one out of two essay topics and write an analytical essay that should be comprehensive of the entire semester’s lectures.

The fact that it took this student half an hour makes Magnus wary to say the least.

Shrugging a little, Magnus takes out a few papers from his senior seminar class and starts grading. He’s here for the next two and a half hours so he might as well get some work done. Winter graduation was Saturday and he needs to have grades in for all seniors by Thursday at noon. He has a dozen thirty to forty page theses to grade, in addition to any exams from his other classes. The next few days are going to be round the clock grading and Magnus wryly thinks that finals week isn’t just for the students.

The time goes by quickly and Magnus manages to grade three of the term papers as students slowly turn in their Blue Books and leave, eager to study for their next exam or just collapse in their dorms and relish the end of another semester.

Looking up, Magnus sees that there’s just one student left and she’s on her second Blue Book. Knowing that she has a propensity to take her time and write for ages on each question, Magnus focuses back on grading, marking something in the margin to look up later.

The student takes almost the entire three hours to finish her exam and Magnus sympathizes as he puts his papers in his briefcase to return to later. Shaking out her hand, she places the exam on top of the pile.

“How’d it go,” Magnus asks, capping his pen.

Shrugging a little, Jasmine smiles. “I hope it went well but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see when you enter the grade in Blackboard.”

“Was this your last exam or are you finally free?”

Laughing, Jasmine tosses her hair back as she adjusts her backpack. “You were my last final. I’ve officially done everything I need to for graduation. Now all that’s left is to walk across that stage this weekend.”

Smiling warmly, Magnus reaches for the stack of exams. “I hope Saturday is everything you’ve been hoping for-- graduation is a big deal and you’ve worked hard to get here. What are your plans?”

“I’ve actually been accepted to Cambridge’s graduate program for literature.”

Raising a brow, Magnus offers, “I’m sure Ragnor was thrilled to hear that.”

“Yeah,” Jasmine laughs. “He wrote one of my letters of recommendation. I’m not sure what he said but when I had my interview, they mentioned how effusive Dr. Fell had been.”

“Well, rest assured that Ragnor would only write what he believed. If you’re as good a student in his classes as you are in mine, then that praise was definitely deserved. Congratulations dear and best wishes for the future.”

Grinning, Jasmine gives a silly little salute. “Thanks, Dr. Bane. You’re one of my favorite professors here and I’m glad that I got to take this last class with you before I graduated.”

“Thank you, Jasmine. If you ever need another reference or letter please don’t hesitate to reach out,” he offers and sits back as she turns and exits the room, leaving Magnus alone with his thoughts.

She’d been a great student and a joy to have in class over the past few years. It’s always bittersweet when a student that’s earned Magnus’s respect and fondness leaves for greener pastures but there’s always another one waiting to take their place. Magnus has known and liked dozens of students over the years and some still occasionally email him, updating him on their life and career.

Filing the exams away, Magnus stands. Reaching for his coat, he shrugs it on before swinging his bag on his shoulder. The next exam block is in half an hour and as he exits the room, he sees half a dozen students loitering in the silent hallway, eagerly reviewing notes in a last ditch effort.

It’s cold outside, snow just beginning to lightly fall. He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket and sidesteps away from the main path as he reaches for it. He reads Alec's confirmation of the time for dinner and sees that he has a few hours before they’re to meet at his place.

Walking across campus, the sky is a murky steel gray. Winter has come and with it perennial twilight even though it’s only four in the afternoon.

He finds Ragnor in his office and as he takes off his coat and hangs it up, Magnus sees the cupcake sitting on the desk in front of his usual chair. Arching a brow, Magnus slowly nears the desk.

Ragnor doesn’t look up as he waves a hand between the cupcake and where he’s standing. “It was buy one get one free and you know I like a good deal.”

“I know you’re appallingly thrifty if that’s what you mean,” Magnus retorts as he sits.

Picking the cupcake up, Magnus starts peeling the wax paper away. “Thank you, dear.”

Ruffling the magazine he’s seemingly engrossed in, Ragnor just mutters, “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Magnus laughs a little, shaking his head as he takes the first bite of the dessert, smiling as he realizes it’s his favorite-- orange cranberry.

Neither one mentions the plastic umbrella in the middle of it, declaring Happy 30th Birthday in colorful, cheerful script. Magnus can just picture it now, his best friend’s long suffering sigh that had accompanied the purchase.

The two of them chat for a little while, talking about syllabi for next semester and plans for the holidays. It’s hard to believe that it’s already December, yet another term under their belts.

Eventually, afternoon gives way to early evening and they leave campus, each going their separate ways. Burying his nose a little deeper into his scarf, Magnus rounds the corner and grins as he looks up and sees a figure walking towards him that he’d recognize anywhere.

Alec places a quick kiss on his forehead and Magnus hears him mutter under his breath, “It’s the only place not covered.”

Unlooping his scarf in the elevator, Magnus pulls him close. He places a kiss under his jaw before moving to his mouth. “Hello, darling,” he murmurs as they pull apart.

“Hey, you,” Alec replies easily and follows him into the loft.

Magnus changes while Alec falls onto the couch, immediately taking out his phone.

“Important business,” he calls out as he walks toward the bedroom.

“Not really,” is Alec’s answer and Magnus enters his closet, running a hand over a dozen blazers, trying to decide on what to wear tonight. He glances over at the end of the closet where a few of Alec’s things are hung. It makes him smile every time he sees the few outfits hanging next to his own clothes and he grins as he looks back at his section, refocusing.

“Is there a dress code,” he yells and hopes Alec can hear him from the living room. He hears a muffled no but he still decides to dress up a little, opting for a crimson button up that he leaves mostly undone, tucking them into black slim cut pants.

Heading towards his vanity, Magnus grabs a makeup wipe, taking off the bit of eyeliner he’d put on that morning. He works on his eyeshadow-- a shimmery gold-- and relines his eyes, opting for something a little more dramatic than he’d worn to work. Dusting highlighter over his cheeks, his hands hover over his jewelry, considering a dozen choices before reaching for the necklace Alec had bought him a few months ago. The pendant rests against his chest, perfectly framed.

Biting his lip, thinking, Magnus reaches for another piece that he hasn’t worn for awhile, slipping it in as he looks at the open door.

Ready, he gives himself a final once over before stepping into a pair of chelsea boots.

When he walks into the living room, Alec’s frowning, rolling his eyes.

“Everything okay?”

Eyes darting up to meet his, Alec hastily shoves his phone into his back pocket, lifting his hips to do so. “Yeah,” he answers. “Just my label being a pain in my ass.”

“So nothing new,” Magnus laughs quietly.

“Nope,” Alec replies, standing up. His eyes darken as he sees Magnus’s outfit.

Magnus stays where he is as Alec comes closer, as he wraps arms around his middle before ducking close and nosing along his throat. “I like this outfit,” Alec whispers.

“Thank you, darling.”

Smile widening, Magnus steadies them both as Alec pulls back to look at his face. “Ready for dinner?”

Nodding, they throw their coats back on and this time it’s Alec who’s leading them downstairs to where a car’s waiting.

Settling in the backseat, Magnus looks out his window as they pull away from the curb, letting his hand rest on Alec’s thigh.

“Have you been to Momofuku Ko before?”

“No,” Alec answers, letting his leg lean against Magnus’s a little more. “I didn’t even know about it until you mentioned seeing a review in the New Yorker.”

Turning his head to look at his boyfriend, Magnus smiles. “Well, then, thank you for making reservations. I hope you like it.”

“It’s, like, fifteen courses, babe. I’m sure I’ll love it. If not we’ll just swing by McDonald’s on the way home.”

Magnus is already looking away when Alec finishes his sentence. Watching the street outside, he does his best not to react. Alec had just just called the loft home. The word wraps around Magnus, warm and happy, and he bites back a grin. It’s silent in the car and Magnus resolutely doesn’t acknowledge Alec’s slip and Alec doesn’t say anything either.

There’s a tension to the silence, like Alec’s waiting for a reprimand, a sharp rebuttal, but Magnus is damned if he’ll give him one.

He does sweep his hand over Alec’s thigh, though, and breathes a little easier when Alec flips his hand over to that he can interlace their fingers.

They stay like that until they get to the restaurant. It’s a small place, only enough seating for a dozen people, and they’re shown to their sets right away.

The next few hours are easy and Magnus enjoys himself immensely. Each course is fantastic with fresh, inventive ingredients and the drinks just keep on coming. He’s pleasantly buzzed by the end of the meal.

The light is low in the restaurant and as he looks over at Alec, his heart squeezes a little painfully in his chest. He’s thirty years old and sharing a wonderful meal-- a lovely night-- with someone he loves.

It’s more than he had last year and more than he figured he’d have this year.

He’s so focused on Alec-- on the way his boyfriend grins over at him before he takes a long drink of wine, the way his hair is a little messy so that his fingers itch to bury themselves in the dark locks, at how thoughtful Alec was to treat him to a dinner he’d wanted to try for ages-- that he doesn’t immediately notice the waiter standing at his side.

When he does, Magnus looks up only to do a double take.

Confusion gives way almost immediately to understanding as a small cake with a lone candle is placed in front of him.

The waiter acknowledges Magnus’s thanks and leaves without another word, leaving Alec and Magnus alone.

Magnus’s gaze is torn between the cake and Alec who’s smiling softly over at him.

“How did you know,” he asks, clearing his throat.

Shrugging, Alec merely offers, “When you found out about my birthday but didn’t tell me yours, I asked Cat. I didn’t want to accidentally miss it. I figured that since you didn’t tell me, you might not want a big deal made so I thought dinner would be a good compromise between too much and at least doing something.”

Reaching over the table, Magnus cups Alec’s cheek, bringing him close for a lingering kiss. “Thank you, Alexander.”

“Happy birthday, Magnus,” is the equally quiet reply and Magnus leans back in his seat as he looks at the cute little cake.

He closes his eyes and for the first time in over ten years, he makes a wish.

When he opens them a few seconds later, it’s to see Alec hastily lowering his phone.

Laughing, Magnus chastises him. “Really,” he asks wryly.

Unrepentant, Alec just says, “It’s your birthday. I’m entitled.”

“You’re entitled--” Magnus starts, mockingly indignant and he feels Alec’s foot nudge his own.

“Eat your cake, babe.”

The first bite is delicious and Magnus hums a little. It’s dark chocolate with a raspberry coulis and he eats almost half before he gives in to Alec’s pleading looks.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he says brightly. “Did you want a taste, darling?”

He feels heat slink up his spine at the look Alec gives him. “Yeah,” he hears him say and then Alec’s reaching over the table and pulling him close. He kisses him, licking into his mouth, sucking the chocolate off his goddamn tongue.

Magnus might make a noise, he’s not entirely sure, and he brings his free hand up to rest against Alec’s chest, stroking upward until he can curl his fingers into the hair at his nape, pulling him imperceptibly closer.

Alec takes his time, not in any rush to pull away and when he does Magnus whines faintly in protest.

He’s sufficiently distracted and he doesn’t react right away when Alec grabs the spoon from his limp hand and takes a frankly appallingly large bite from his cake.

“This is so good,” Alec mutters and Magnus just stares at him.

“Alexander.”

Alec hums a little as he reaches over and Magnus gives up, pushing the plate towards his boyfriend.

“Don’t you think it’s time we asked for the check.”

With a grin that’s a little too cheeky, Alec looks up from his dessert. “Why,” he asks idly. “Have you got something to do?”

Magnus just sends him an arch look and Alec laughs before getting the waiter’s attention.

Once the bill’s paid, they walk out, holding hands. Alec pulls him close to his side, arm over his shoulders, and Magnus turns his head so that he can kiss the sliver of his wrist that’s exposed to the chilly air.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get you a present,” Alec says, apropos of nothing. “Everything’s been so hectic that--”

Magnus stops him, raising a finger until it hovers over his mouth. “Please, don’t worry about getting me a present. This dinner was more than enough. You’re more than enough on a daily basis, darling.”

“Still,” Alec says, apologetic. “Nothing seemed quite right and I’ve just been so busy--”

Stopping by the car, Magnus pulls him close, cutting him off with a kiss that lingers far too long in the street. When he pulls back, Magnus is pleased to see that Alec doesn’t look capable of arguing with him any longer.

The drive home goes by quickly. Magnus is a little preoccupied as Alec leans into him, spending the ride paying special attention to his neck until Magnus can’t see straight, leaning against his side, head tilted up so that moonlight spills over his face.

The two of them make it to the loft eventually and Alec leads them to the bedroom. Magnus relaxes into red sheets as Alec takes his time undressing him. The whisper of clothing being removed the only sound in the room.

Alec kisses down his chest as he unbuttons the rest of his shirt and when he stops suddenly, it takes Magnus a moment to figure out what must’ve grabbed his attention.

“Like it,” he asks with a lazy grin, widening the space between his legs to make more room for his boyfriend.

“Fuck,” Alec breathes and then Magnus feels Alec continue his path, kissing down his stomach, nibbling across a jutting hipbone before he closes gentle teeth over the piercing at his navel, giving it a slight tug.

Magnus groans, fisting a hand in Alec’s hair, urging him closer, as he lets his hips roll up to where Alec’s stupidly close but still too far away.

Unbuckling his belt, Alec helps Magnus tug off his pants along with his underwear and then Magnus is naked with Alec still fully clothed over him.

He feels the scratch of stubble over the sensitive skin of his inner thigh and he shivers a little as Alec bites down on the muscle there.

He pulls away for a moment and Magnus hears a drawer sliding open before Alec tosses lube and a condom on the bed.

Alec leans close and Magnus wraps a leg over his as they kiss. It’s strange to be so exposed while Alec hasn’t taken anything off but it feels so damned good. When Alec pulls back and urges him to his stomach, Magnus can’t stop the little grin comes over his face.

Wiggling his hips a little, finally getting some friction, Magnus’s breath catches as he hears Alec finally taking his clothes off.

And then there’s a long line of heat over him, pressing Magnus into the mattress. Closing his mouth on the juncture between his neck and shoulder, Alec lets his hands wander down to his ass. Magnus has no idea when Alec managed to coat his fingers with the lube but a slick finger eases inside and Magnus’s hips arch up to Alec as his boyfriend starts opening him with slow, incredibly thorough fingers.

A broken moan spills out of Magnus as Alec pulls his three fingers out, what seems like ages later. Everything’s gone a little hazy at the edges and Magnus rolls his hips up, trying to encourage Alec to keep going as he feels his building orgasm creep out of reach.

“C’mon, darling. You know it’s not fun to tease,” he mutters into his pillow, sagging into the bed when Alec, the sadist, does nothing but laugh.

Magnus tenses up a moment later, though, when he feels Alec’s breath ghost over the small of his back. “But it’s so much fun to tease you,” he replies with a quick nip on his ass.

Alec spreads him, exposing him to cool air and Magnus groans, something low and utterly desperate. “Oh God, Alec.”

He feels the rough pad of a thumb over his hole before Alec’s asking, “This okay?”

“More than,” Magnus gasps, answering almost before Alec’s finished talking. “Please.”

Without wasting any more time, Alec licks across the tight ring of muscle and Magnus swears he goes half blind at the first stroke of his tongue. Alec doesn’t seem in any particular hurry as he eats Magnus out and if Magnus had it in him to care, he’d probably try to tamp down on the noises that wrench out of him as Alec works his tongue into his ass, as he hears the little hungry sounds that escape his boyfriend as he closes his mouth over Magnus’s hole and sucks, as Magnus hears what must be the sounds of Alec working his own cock over, hips rolling into his fist.

Almost without warning, Magnus tips over the edge, hot and sudden. Alec licks him through it, easing up until Magnus collapses into the bed, feeling remarkably like jelly.

Alec kisses a trail up his back, nudging his legs wider apart, and Magnus feels the blunt head of his cock over his sensitive hole. A full body shudder wracks Magnus and his hips jerk up. He moans at the pressure and Alec’s teeth close over his shoulder as he guides himself in, working into Magnus inch by inch.

Sparks shoot up his spine and Magnus gasps a little as he squeezes around Alec’s cock, enjoying the feeling of being so fucking full.

Urging him onto his knees, Alec grips his hips as he pulls back slowly, almost until he’s out, before thrusting back in, in one smooth stroke.

Bracing his hands on the mattress, Magnus meets Alec’s thrusts and before he quite knows it, his second orgasm is hovering at the edges.

Alec drapes himself over his back and Magnus hears his sharp breaths in his ear as Alec hoarsely mutters, “So good, you’re so good. Shit, babe, it’s like you were made for me. Made to take my cock, made to love me.”

“Yes,” Magnus breathes. “Fuck yes, Alexander. I love you so much darling.”

Alec reaches around, wrapping a hand around his cock, moving over him in perfect counterpoint to his thrusts. Magnus comes for a second time as his rhythm falters and then he feels Alec tense against him before he’s groaning long and low in his ear as he comes too.

It takes them awhile to get their breath and distantly Magnus wonders if he’ll ever be able to stand again.

Eventually, though, they do get out of bed. Taking a quick shower before climbing into pajamas and settling on the couch, Magnus turns the tv on to an old movie as they relax in the living room.

Alec’s a comforting weight on top of him and Magnus runs absent fingers through his hair as they watch tv. All around, this is one of the best birthdays he can remember and he knows he owes it all to Alec.

Alec takes out his phone before Magnus hears him scoff.

Stilling his fingers, he asks, “Something wrong?”

“Isabelle just texted me that she’s staying over at Maia’s tonight. Honestly,” Alec continues, “Jace has moved in with Clary and now Isabelle all but told me she’d be moving in with Maia soon.”

“What,” Magnus asks. “Maia and Isabelle are moving in together?”

Lifting up from him a little, Alec leans over him so that he can look at him properly. “Yeah? She told me last week that they’ve been looking up apartments together.”

Magnus’s mind goes into overtime as he considers what Alec’s just told him. He can’t quiet the thought that persists, though, knocking on his head a little too insistently.

“So,” he starts. “It’s just you now? That penthouse must feel pretty empty these days,” he teases.

Alec laughs a little, relaxing until he can brush his nose against Magnus’s throat. “Yeah, you could say that. We’ve lived together so long that it’s definitely going to be an adjustment not to have them there any longer. But they’re both happy and I’m happy for them. It’s definitely for the best.”

It’s quiet for a little while after that. Alec’s presumably focused on the tv, drawing little patters on Magnus’s side with a wandering hand, but Magnus can’t help but think about possibilities.

“Hey, Alec,” he says, breaking the silence.

“Yeah, babe?”

“I think I know what I want for my birthday.”

Straightening, Alec doesn’t stop moving until they’re sitting, facing each other.

“Yeah? Anything,” he promises, grinning.

Clearing his throat, Magnus reaches for Alec’s hand, sweeping a thumb over his knuckles in a little anxious gesture that he doesn’t even realize he’s doing.

“Well, it occurs to me that it might be lonely at your place now that your siblings are moving out. It also occurs to me that we spend almost every night together. If you put those two things together plus the fact that I’m hopelessly in love with you and I hope the conclusion--”

“Is perfect,” Alec says, eyes crinkling at the corners since he’s smiling so big.

“Yeah,” Magnus asks, gaze searching Alec’s. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to or like I’m expecting anything. It’s an offer, nothing more.”

“Magnus, are you kidding me? I love you and you’re right-- for the past few months, I’ve been here more than I’ve been to my own apartment.”

Magnus lets hope catch in his chest as he smiles a little, just a gentle curve of his mouth. “I don’t want you to feel like you’d be giving up anything. I know you love your penthouse and it’s so much nicer than my place. If you wanted to--”

This time Alec pulls him closer for searing kiss that makes his toes curl against the carpet. Magnus’s breathing is a little unsteady when they break apart a few moments later.

Resting his forehead against Magnus’s, Alec speaks in the space between their lips. “I’d love to move in with you, babe. While I like my apartment, it’s just a place. Especially now that Jace and Iz won’t be there, it doesn’t really hold anything important. Here, though? This is a home.”

“Our home,” Magnus whispers, looking up to meet Alec’s eyes. “If you want.”

“I love you, Magnus. I can’t think of anything I’d love more than moving in together. As long as you’re sure.”

“I’m sure,” Magnus says, no hesitation. He laughs a little, nosing along Alec’s wrist. “Half your shit’s already here anyway.”

Alec laughs too before he leans forward. Magnus lets himself fall back on the couch. They spend the rest of the evening talking about plans and Magnus can’t remember ever feeling so sure of a decision.

Magnus reaches out, frowning when his hand hits something. Blinking open bleary eyes, he lifts up to an elbow looking at where Alec should be.

Instead, he finds a note taped to something. Sighing a little, Magnus sits up and reaches for whatever it is.

Pulling the note from where it’s taped to what Magnus now sees is a CD in a plain, clear case, he reads the note.

Magnus,

Happy birthday. Did you really think I didn’t get you anything?

P.S. You’re the only person outside of the production team that’s heard this. Management tried their damnedest to talk me out of this but I want you to have first access. You deserve to know the truth and know that I mean every word.

P.P.S. I love you, so much. I hope these songs remind you of that every time you listen to them.

--Alec

Suddenly wide awake, Magnus picks up the innocuous cd. He turns it over but the only thing that’s scrawled on the cover is Album 7-- Feel Something.

He throws the covers off and spends ten minutes running around his apartment looking for a goddamned cd player before he remembers that it’s 2018 and he hasn’t had one of those in a damn decade.

Remembering his laptop, Magnus hurries to his study, wearing just his boxers, as he slides the cd in.

Almost immediately the first song starts playing-- he's a little surprised to see that there are nineteen tracks in all-- and Magnus lets the notes drift over him, turning the volume up to its maximum.

He sits in his chair, closing his eyes as Alec’s voice comes through the speakers. It’s presumably the title track, the single he’d heard back in September. It’s familiar and it makes him smile, emotion clinging to him now that he has irrevocable knowledge that this song was about them.

It wraps around his heart. It fills him with love and he wonders how the hell he got so lucky.

There are songs that make him a little hot under his collar like Black Magic and Crazy in Love and I’ve Never Loved This Hard This Fast Before. There are a few songs that make Magnus wonder at the Alec whose on tour like Better Man and Life of the Party and The Way I Am. He makes them both a silent promise that he won’t let tour come between them whenever the time comes.

There’s a song or two that makes tears threaten to well up like Worship or I Like Me Better or Wanna Be Missed.

He listens to the album once through and then another. He lets the music sink into him and he knows he’s smiling too much, a stupid grin on his face, but he can’t help it.

Most of him that can’t believe that Alec trusted him enough to give him unfettered access to his album. He can’t believe Alec bared his heart to him. Magnus knows Alec’s music is so incredibly personal to him and he doesn’t take this privilege for granted.

God, he loves this man.

After listening through it twice, Magnus puts it on shuffle as he leaves his study. He goes back to the bedroom and picks up his phone from where it’d been charging overnight.

Unlocking it, he swipes over Alec’s contact information and brings it up to his ear. It only rings twice before he hears Alec’s voice, warm in his ear.

“So? What’s the verdict?”

Laughing, Magnus wanders over to his window, idly watching the people down below.

“You have to know I loved it, Alexander. Thank you,” he says quietly. “I never expected you to let me have early access to the album.”

“It’s only fair since the whole damned thing is about you,” Alec replies wryly. There’s a beat of silence before he tentatively asks, “It’s okay? It’s not too much?”

Shaking his head even though Alec can’t see him, Magnus’s answer is honest as he says, “It’s perfect.”

Alec laughs a little. “Even track 8?”

Narrowing his eyes a little, Magnus goes back to his office, moving his mouse hurriedly to wake the screen up as he scans the track list. When he realizes what song Alec’s talking about, he barks out a laugh.

“Don’t get me wrong, it is explicit,” Magnus eventually says. His voice is low as he adds, “But by all means, darling, if that’s how I make you feel.”

Alec clears his throat. “Every word,” he murmurs.

Running a hand through his hair, Magnus tugs on the strands a little, trying to clear his head.

Conversation drifts to other things after a few more minutes, though Magnus knows that they’ll be talking about this tonight. He has a hundred and one questions he wants to ask-- when did Alec start writing about him? How is it possible that he can make Alec Lightwood feel so much?-- but he wants to do it in person.

Hanging up after their routine I Love Yous, Magnus heads to the shower.

Work stops for no man, no matter how much he might just want to sit and listen to his boyfriend’s album that’s all about him. Magnus spends most of the day on cloud nine as he works through papers and exams and entering grades online, all the while thinking about how to show Alec just how appreciative he is of his artistic talents.

For some reason, he thinks with a smile, grading isn’t quite as tedious as it usually is, not when he has Alec in his ears and in his head.

[watchmegetobsessed]

Crush // Shawn Mendes mini-series part 1

okay so wow ummmm i started writing this sometime before christmas so it’s set at that time, idk i just had this idea about this story and went for it. it’s not gonna be long, not like a million parts, probably maximum five, im writing the very end of it now so i thought i would start posting it and im also trying to makeup for not bringing a new boundaries chapter lol but that’s also coming i swear!!! anyway, enjoy this short story of mine, i hope you’ll like it!!

masterlist

Christmas is always the same for me. I come home a few days before, spend most of my time on the couch watching reruns on my favorite series, I watch my younger brother, Eric come in and out of the house as he keeps meeting up with his friends, being a popular kid. I eat basically everything I can find in the kitchen and just… forget about the world. Then we have family dinner at our place with all my uncles, aunts and cousins, the house turns into a chaos for one evening and then being so selfless I help Mom clean the mess up in the morning while Dad is sleeping his hangover off, because as a host, he must have a drink with every guest. Then we watch Home Alone together and boom, Christmas is already over.

This year, I expect everything to be the same when I throw my suitcases in my old Honda Civic and head home for the holidays.

“Charlie, your family literally lives forty minutes from here, but you pack like you can’t come back if you forget something.”

I roll my eyes at Maddi’s comment. Looking up at her I just stick my tongue out as I close the trunk of my car. She is shivering, because she didn’t bother to put on her coat to help me bring my stuff down. Her long brown hair is all over her shoulders, and she has some mascara on her cheeks, probably from last night. She never cares what she looks like at home and that’s the kind of people I like to surround myself with. I’m always a hot mess at home and I just don’t get those who try to look fine when at home.

“Have fun at your sister’s,” I tell her hugging goodbye. She is leaving to New York tomorrow morning to spend the holidays at her sister who just got married this year and insisted on having their family gathering in their place this year.

“They’ll have booze, so I’m fine,” she scoffs. She is not always this grumpy, she is just not in the mood to fly to NYC on one of the busiest days of the year.

“Alright, see ya next year!” I wink at her getting into the car. She steps aside and waves for me as I leave the small parking lot of our apartment complex.

I sing along with Adam Levine while listening to some Maroon 5 on my way to the house where I grew up. I moved out after high school. Not because I hated living with my family, but I felt like this is a step I should be taking at that age. The start was rocky, I had my ups and downs, but all in all I didn’t regret it. I met Maddi, she moved to Toronto from Ottawa and was looking for someone to share a flat with. I was hesitant to live with a stranger, but we soon became best friends and I was eager to have new people in my life after my graduation. This is how we ended up together.

My heart warms as I turn into our old street. I loved living here, I have a lot of good memories from my childhood and I’m thankful I don’t have anything to complain about regarding my younger years.

I park next to my mom’s car and when I get out I see the curtains move in the window of the living room. A moment later the door opens and my dad walks out holding his arms out for me.

“Chipmunk! Hi!” he greets me with a wide smile and I basically get lost in his arms. He is so much taller than me, I look like an elf next to him. I inherited my mom’s height so I stopped at 5’6, have been that tall since I was sixteen. My brother, on the other hand, the little devil is 6’2 at fifteen, turning sixteen soon. Life is unfair, I could be a model with legs to live for if only my DNA took more from my dad.

“Hi Dad. You smell like cookies,” I chuckle. Letting go we both go to the trunk to get my stuff from the car.

“Because your mother is trying to turn the house into a gingerbread house,” he sighs grabbing both of my suitcases and we head inside.

“Why? She hates gingerbread.”

“Because your brother has his girlfriend over and she is trying to make everything so festive,” he says rolling his eyes as we finally get inside. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

“Girlfriend? Since when does Eric has a girlfriend?” I gasp feeling pretty much left out. No one told me Eric is dating a girl, but they keep updating me about the tiniest stuff in the group chat, like how a cat crossed the backyard last week. Who cares! I want to hear the tea about Eric’s love life!

“About three months. She is nice though, but your mother goes crazy every time she is over.”

“Three months? I’m offended, dad.”

“I thought he already told you!” he defends himself setting my stuff down.

“Charlie!” My mom comes barging out of the kitchen in the apron she got for Christmas a few years ago. Embracing me in a tight hug she kisses my forehead. “Are you hungry? We have some leftover carbonara, but I haven’t started making dinner yet. I’ve been cooking all day.”

“I heard you are into gingerbread lately.”

“Yeah, you want some? It turned out pretty good,” she smiles at me tugging her short blonde bob behind her ears. Her blue eyes are shining like a diamond, she is always so happy to have me home. It was a bit hard on her, watching her first kid leave the house, Eric said she kept checking in on him in the night the first month after I left. She got used to it by now, but she is always treating my arrival as a celebration, though I come home pretty often, namely to every birthdays, their anniversary, Easter, Christmas and a whole month in the summer, but I guess it’s not enough for her.

“Eric! Charlie is here!” she shouts upstairs for my brother. “So, hungry?” she asks again.

“Yeah, I could eat.”

We all move into the kitchen as my mom warms up a plate of pasta, Dad tests the gingerbread and I assume he doesn’t taste anything for the first three times, because he keeps eating it.

“How is Maddi? Is she going home for the holidays?” Mom asks handing me the food and getting back to decorating the rest of the gingerbreads.

“She is going to New York to her sister, Lara.”

“The one that got married this summer?” she asks.

“Mhm,” I hum with my mouth full.

I hear footsteps on the stairs and I quickly swallow the pasta, not wanting to look like a chipmunk when I meet Eric’s girlfriend for the first time. Take a guess why my dad calls me Chipmunk, I’m a full-face eater.

“Chipmunk!” Eric laughs walking into the kitchen. I roll my eyes at him.

“Shut up,” I spat. Standing up we exchange a quick side hug, this is the most we ever do. The moment I let go of him I see a girl walk in behind him.

She has long brown hair parted on the side, she is almost taller than me, the nice knitted turtleneck dress she is wearing was a great choice, it allows Eric to gape at her figure, but the turtleneck makes it more conservative for my parents. Smart girl.

“Charlie, this is my girlfriend, Aaliyah. Aaliyah, this is my sister, Charlotte.”

I hop off the stool and hold out a hand for her that she takes with a smile.

“Hi, I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh really? I hope you didn’t believe everything this dummie told you,” I scoff looking at Eric.

“Don’t worry, from what he told me about you he is obsessed with you,” she winks at me making Eric’s eyes go wide.

“What? No I’m not!”

Aaliyah steps closer to him hugging his waist with a bright smile on her face.

“Oh, don’t be shy, on our first date you mentioned her a million times. It’s okay, baby,” she giggles to herself making me instantly love her. Roasting Eric together can be our thing!

“Eric, it’s okay to love your sister to death,” I chime in enjoying the situation more than I should be, probably.

“Aaliyah, are you staying for dinner?” Mom asks smiling at her and offering her some gingerbread. She shakes her head no but takes a cookie.

“No, my brother is also coming home tonight, so I have to go home. But thank you.”

“Oh, okay.” I can tell she is disappointed that she has to go. I guess Mom loves Aaliyah, and from what I saw I can’t blame her. In fact, she might be too good for Eric!

We all stay in the kitchen while I finish my late lunch. I chat with Aaliyah finding out that she and Eric go to the same school, the school I also attended, and that she and Eric have math together. Aaliyah tutored Eric for one of the tests that ended up with him asking her out and the rest is history. She is very nice, well-mannered and pretty mature, that’s why I don’t know how well it all sits with my immature, ass little brother’s persona. Okay, I might exaggerate, he can be fine. Sometimes.

“I’m really sorry, but I have to head home now. But that you for everything, Mrs. Parker and see you on Tuesday, right?” Aaliyah nicely says standing up from the table.

“What is on Tuesday?” I ask.

“Oh, I forgot to mention, we are having dinner at Aaliyah’s with her family, is that alright, Chipmunk?” Mom caresses my cheek and I just shrug. Not that I have any special plans for the holidays.

“I thought we are having the usual family dinner.”

“Oh no.” Mom shakes her head. “We are skipping that this year. Aunt Mary and Lance are in Switzerland, your cousins Harry and Donald are too occupied with their studies, or that’s what they say. And then…”

“Okay, I get it. Everyone I busy,” I cut her off chuckling. “Then, dinner sounds good. Hey, Aaliyah, do you need a ride home?” I offer, but she shakes her head no putting her coat on with Eric right behind her.

“No, it’s good, I live two streets down, Eric will walk me home.”

My brother nods approvingly putting his own coat on. Wow, he is whipped! Good job, Aaliyah!

“It was nice meeting you!” I smile at her.

“You too, Charlotte!” She waves goodbye, and they leave.

   This year’s Christmas is starting off just the same. I watch Brooklyn 99 during the day, work on a paper that is due to after the holidays and just casually hang out with my parents and Eric. The only thing that is different that Eric always has his phone in his hands, texting Aaliyah non-stop.

On the 25th I help Mom make come cookies that we can bring over for our dinner invitation, and she asks me about my love life, as per usual.

“So, have you been on any dates lately?”

I can’t help but roll my eyes as I hand her over the milk.

“Not really,” I admit sighing. Not because I’m sad I haven’t, but because I’m tired of these questions. I’m twenty, I still have time, it’s not like I’m supposed to get married anytime soon.

“I really wish Dylan didn’t turn into an ass.” She shakes her head and I scoff.

“He didn’t just turn into one, he was always one, he was just good at fooling people.”

Dylan Sanders, aka my only ex-boyfriend. I dated him from the age of fifteen until I almost turned eighteen. It’s a long time, and I’m kinda ashamed it took me so long to realize how big of an ass he really is. The pink clouds made me blind, but fortunately, it cleared up at one point and I successfully ended our toxic relationship. Too bad this point was after I ruined all my friendships because of him and ended up on my own when we ended things. This is one of the reasons I was excited to start a new life at the university, make new friends and just stop being Dylan Sanders’ girlfriend.

“Hey, maybe Aaliyah’s brother is nice. How amazing it would be if you dated him!”

Seeing her dreamy eyes I start laughing.

“Mom! I haven’t even met him, but I know you are already planning our marriage. Stop it, please.”

“Aaliyah is pretty great, I’m sure her brother is alike her.”

“Whatever, just please don’t make it awkward,” I plea. She just waves in dismiss.

 I talk to Maddi right before it’s time to leave. I’m finishing up my makeup as the phone is laying in front of me with her on speaker.

“I’m serious. Nothing is more embarrassing than being the drunkest at a family gathering,” she moans painfully.

“Maybe you learnt your lesson now,” I chuckle fixing my mascara.

“Not really. Chapter 2 comes tonight, my cousins are arriving and they are hardcore drinkers.” She sighs tiredly. “Whatever. So, dinner tonight at Eric’s girlfriend’s? How is she?”

“She is cute. Almost too good for my stinky brother, but they look cute, it’s like a puppy love.”

“Aw, that’s the best! Well, I’m interested in the details so text me when you get home.”

“Will do.”

“Charlie! We are leaving!” I hear mom shouting from downstairs.

“Gotta go, talk to you later,” I quickly say before ending the call.

I stand up and check myself one last time in the mirror. I chose to wear a mustard colored knitted jumper with a pair of black jeans and silver hoops in my ears. I grab my phone from the table and join my family downstairs.

Aaliyah really lives close to us, we don’t take the car, just walk and we arrive in about ten minutes. It’s a nice two story house, kinda typical around here.

“Please don’t embarrass me, okay?” Eric asks us right before ringing the doorbell. The kid is too in love.

Aaliyah opens the door for us in a nice nude dress and she kisses Eric on the lips shortly before we all walk in.

“Mom!” She shouts while we are taking our coats and shoes off and a blonde woman appears soon in the hallway.

“Hi! So good to have you here!” She greets us with a wide smile. “I’m Karen, and this is Manny, my husband,” she introduces herself and the man who joins us in a moment.

“I’m Evelyn, this is George and Charlotte, Eric’s sister,” Mom introduces us and we all shake hands.

As we walk into the living room where there are wineglasses waiting for us I remember that Aaliyah has a brother. Just when I realize this I hear another male voice behind me.

“Oh, and this is our son, Aaliyah’s brother,” Karen gestures towards the door and I turn around just to have my jaw drop to the floor. “Shawn.”

Shawn Mendes is standing there, shaking hands with my parents and Eric and when his eyes find me he is just as shocked as me.

“Um, hi. I-I assume we already know each other,” he mumbles stepping closer and I shake his hand very shortly. I can’t believe he is Aaliyah’s brother, how did I not see the resemblance?

“Yeah. Hi,” I say nervously and Karen gives us a confused look.

“How do you guys know each other?”

“We-“ I start, but Shawn cuts me off.

“Mom, you remember my friend, Dylan from high school? Um, Charlotte dated him for a few years,” he says uncomfortably and I feel the same.

Shawn and Dylan were best buds when we started dating. They hung out all the time and I was trying my best to be on good terms with him as well. I wanted to be friends with Dylan’s friends so badly, but Shawn… He always seemed to hate me. No matter how friendly I tried to be he was always pretty rigid and weird with me, often avoiding to be in the same room as me and he also had a few quite hurtful comments that I tried to shake off for the sake of my relationship. Oh, and the worst was when he made an attempt to break us up telling Dylan lies about me.  Thinking back at it now I wish he succeed, but it was still an asshole move from him, working so against me all that time, I wish I stood up for myself, but I was so into Dylan I was willing to put up with everything, even a mean best friend.

I haven’t seen him since about, tenth grade, when he became a private student to purchase his dreams and become a singer. Dylan kept in touch with him for a while, but I think they eventually stopped talking at one point.

“For two and a half years, to be exact,” I add bitterly.

“Oh! Wait, you are…” Karen starts, but Shawn gives her an unreadable look and she quickly gets quiet. “Never mind.” I raise my eyebrows seeing the scene, it’s quite odd. What did she want to tell me about? Did Dylan tell her stuff about me when he was still friends with Shawn?

I keep thinking about it as we have a nice glass of wine and move over into the dining room where the table is already set. The two families take place around the oval shaped dining table, I have my mom on my right and Eric on my left and I’m so lucky to have Shawn right across me, staring at me, making me quite anxious.

This is too uncomfortable, I think to myself. I try my best to ignore his gaze on me, and I mostly focus on Karen and Manny. They are extremely nice though. The dinner is amazing, the parents seem to hit it off immediately finding all the common things. Aaliyah and Eric seem to be satisfied, while I just sit there, ignoring Shawn’s eyes on me.

“And Shawn, which university are you studying at?” Mom asks making Eric laugh and she gives him a confused look. “What?”

“Mom, Shawn is…” Eric starts, but I cut him off before I could even stop myself from talking.

“He is a singer, Mom.”

“A singer? Like, a famous one?”

“He was voted as one of the most influential people this year,” Eric informs her and her eyes go wide. In the meanwhile, Shawn is just sitting there with a shy smile on his face.

“I’m sorry, I’m not really good with these stuff.”

“It’s fine. But, yeah. I don’t go to school. What about you, Charlotte?”

I can’t help but cringe how he calls me Charlotte, again. He did this in the past even though I hated being called Charlotte. I had this obsession to be a tomboy and though Charlie sounds better with my image. Now I don’t mind it, but still, most people call me Charlie, and he knows it, I think.

“I- Um… I’m a student at the University of Toronto. I study literature.”

“Oh, that sounds lovely! How much do you have left?” Manny asks clearly interested in my education.

“One year.”

“And what are you planning after?” Shawn suddenly asks and I’m surprised he is interested in anything in connection with me.

“Um… I don’t know just yet,” I mumble feeling nervous in the center of attention.

“Don’t be silly, Charlie!” Mom starts rolling her eyes. “Charlie is already working on a project for a book publisher. They are working on a book especially for sick children that has stories with characters with illnesses or disabilities.”

“That sounds amazing!” Karen cheers looking at me proudly and I can feel myself blushing.

“So you are still very generous,” Shawn comments and I look up at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“Still?” He shakes his head clearing his throat as if he just realized what he said.

“Um, yeah. Dylan used to tell me how much you volunteered and stuff…” he mumbles with his eyes fixed on his plate.

Oh, so he and Dylan talked about me and he still remembers it? That’s quite surprising, I thought he forgot about me as soon as he set his foot outside of Toronto. He never seemed to be interested in anything about me.

After dessert the table breaks up. Karen and my mom starts bringing the tables back to the kitchen, Manny and Dad move to the living room and Shawn disappears somewhere. Aaliyah is helping in the kitchen while Eric is just about to join the dad section, but I pull him to the side in the hallway.

“Why didn’t you tell me Aaliyah’s brother is Shawn Mendes?” I hiss at him, but he just gives me a puzzled look.

“Why do you care? I thought you are not a fan of these celebrities.”

I roll my eyes at him.

“Yeah, but a heads up would have been good, and if you told me who he is, I would have gotten ready to meet him. We weren’t really the best of buds in school.”

“Okay, and how would have I known? I was eleven when you and Dylan got together, even if you told me about Shawn, I wouldn’t remember it for my life. And besides, what is your problem with him? He is cool and nice.”

“Now he is, but he was an ass when I was dating Dylan.”

“Okay, well… that’s the past. Get yourself over it.”

He pats my shoulder before walking away. I growl in annoyance, because he is right, he couldn’t have known my past with Shawn. I don’t think I shared anything with him back then, it was way before our relationship matured and could actually talk without getting into a fight on the floor. All siblings need time to get over this phase. Ours ended sometime right before I moved out.

I rub my face to pull myself together and turning around I’m about to go after Eric and join the conversation in the living room, but then Shawn appears on the stairs and I stop.

“Hey,” he quietly says and I nod at him awkwardly. I have no idea how to deal with this situation. “So… I know, it’s awkward after all these years.”

“Yeah, it is,” I chuckle with a grimace.

“Are you… How are you and Dylan these days?”

“I have no idea how he is. After we broke up in senior year I saw him once. Two years ago at McDonald’s with some blonde chick.”

“Why did you two break up?” he asks it nosily. I find it pretty weird to stand here, at the Mendes house’s hallway with Shawn Mendes and talk about my breakup with my high school sweetheart.

“Um… He cheated on me with Kristi Burgess.”

“Ouch,” he frowns. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I shrug. “I cried for about a month, but I guess I’m over it now,” I say jokingly and he also cracks a smile.

There is a short silence that is rather awkward, I don’t know if I should say something, or just walk away, but he is the first one to speak up.

“Listen. I know I was quite the asshole back in high school and I’m sorry for that. I’ve matured, I changed and I thought that maybe… we could start over. I haven’t talked to Dylan in years either and I was acting like a douche because I thought it was impressing him. I was so stupid.”

I can relate to that. Dylan had this power over people, he could make them want to satisfy him and make him impressed, but it’s all bullshit.

“This sounds great. Let’s forget about everything in connection with Dylan,” I offer and he smiles at me nodding.

“Deal. Well, it’s nice to see you again, Charlotte.”

“Okay, as a starter, you could finally call me Charlie,” I tell him chuckling.

“Yeah. Sorry, I guess I’m used to calling you Charlotte,” he apologizes. “Charlie, why don’t we join our families for another drink maybe?”

“Sounds like a plan,” I nod and I follow him into the living room.

[becky-helene]

Life updates

Just some updates from my last written post in case any one’s curious how things are going.

*The job I thought would happen ended up being a no. Very disappointing, especially with how the interviewer flat out said I was a perfect fit for the position and got my hopes up. So to then get really bland “we fulfilled the position, we wish you luck in your future endeavors” kind of email was just.....wow. Maybe don’t paint the picture that you love me for the role if you can’t at least be a smidge personable in reject response. Not to say I’m entitled to a deep friendly rejection, but with how she raised my hopes up in the interview it would’ve been nice if there was even an attempt to cushion the blow. I’ve had interviews that I felt went awful and gotten nicer reject emails.

*My brother had to be intubated. On the upside the other day he developed a fever and something came up on the cultures they’ve done so they now have a better picture of how to fight the pneumonia. They changed his antibiotic so hopefully that helps him along. They apparently did another broncoscopy today to further see how he’s doing. So we’ll see how things go.

*I got a notice for jury duty for week after next. Not something on level of boooooo as job and my brother’s health. But still not fun.

AND my tv just out of the blue died on me. I’d been watching it earlier today with no problem, taken a nap, about 2-3 hrs ago went to watch something on YouTube and picture just went crazy. What’s weird is like going into ps4 home screen+opening up YouTube+selecting video.....all normal, no problems. I hit play and suddenly video’s opening second is strobing in and out and I can’t get out of it. At first I wasn’t sure if it was my ps4 freezing/glitching/having a seizure of some sort, or my tv. But after unplugging and replugging both, ps4 looked to turn on okay (based on LED light), and tv=nothing. Couldn’t turn it on with remote or manually pressing button on tv itself.

Fortunately, my sister has had a tv sitting unused for months due to not having anywhere to put it (it’d been sitting unused at her job, her bosses let her have it, she was planning on putting it in her little area in the living room but that hasn’t worked out). So she offered it up to me until I get a new one. Unboxing it and screwing in the stand was definitely a comedy of errors starring me, my sister, and then mom joining the cast in second act. But we were able to get it all set up and it’s working 100%. My sister’s letting me keep it until if/when she finds a place for it herself (as opposed to I use it for next few days then get a new one). It’s bigger than my old tv (that was 32 inch, this is 39), so now just needing to get used to the change and not be “daaayum that’s a whole lot of tv” every time I look at it lol.

My birthday is this upcoming Tuesday (the 22nd). Between bigger issues of work disappointment and my brother, and smaller things of jury duty and tv, I’ve definitely had better birthday months in the past. This month is just feeling very Murphy’s law hits keep on coming kind of thing.

That being said, clearly I’m still not in place to go back to writing. I’m a bit closer than I was maybe a week or two ago...thinking about Take Me to Church and such....but just not at point of having the drive to resume work on WIP chapter yet. Maybe I’ll feel better once month from hell passes.

[lifeisjustanotherstory]

W/c 21/01/2019 - the week in anecdotes and not-shower shower thoughts 

Monday

Aytaj went to Milan for the weekend. MILAN. Beats my weekend. 

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I just found out that “Royals” by Lorde came out 6 years ago this year, and time suddenly seems to have flown past. I mean...6 years? Really?! It’s probably been a year since I heard the song, and listening to it feels very nostalgic. The Youtube playlist moved on to “Team”. I used to like a particular chorus in that song - and still do - it lent itself to story ideas, and great character adventures in my head. I need to write again soon - it has been too long. 

We live in cities you'll never see onscreen

Not very pretty, but we sure know how to run things

Livin' in ruins of a palace within my dreams

And you know we're on each other's team

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Waiting for allocation of tasks from the US team. Currently have to chase Chase for our scoping file. 

(chase Chase...once you hear it, you can’t unhear it...)

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Tuesday

I wore my jumper on Tuesday, as I had planned. Getting up early, I hadn’t thought much of not seeing the brand logo on the front - it crossed my mind, only to be replaced with the thought of catching my train.

I went through the day - a good 95% of it - before one of the Managers called me as I made my way to my locker to put away my things for the day. Her name is Amy, and she lives near one of the towns that my train stops in on my way home.

“Deepa? I think your jumper is on back to front.” I lifted up the item of clothing in question, and to my deep embarrassment I was faced with the jumper’s label. I nervously laughed and headed to my locker as she made her way out to the bathroom. I was walking around with a silver pheasant on my back all day.  

Mortified doesn’t cut it.

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I accidentally put Sahil’s coffee cup in my locker yesterday and now he’s got a huge white label on it, with his name in block letters. Oops.

But at least he’s sitting next to me again. Or maybe that’s just because I always let people use my chargers. 

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Wednesday

I’m trying to make my way up the stairs without stopping, which causes me to huff and puff (no houses are blown down, however), go red in the face and get a pain in my lower abdomen. No pain, no gain eh. Anyway, my eyes met Jasper’s on the way up, and we exchanged “Morning”’s. He knows I come in early, and vice versa, but we never seem to interact any more than that.

Anyway, he held open the door for me on the 10th floor, which I felt was very considerate. He didn’t have to, but he heard me coming (granted, I wasn’t that loud) and waited. I can’t say I’ve heard all good things about this guy - but his action today spoke a lot.

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Finally relented and chose to get a breakfast from the canteen today. Still haven’t decided whether I’ll expense it though. Mushrooms were my favourite kind, wide and flat - like I’d never seen before, the egg nicely poached and the beans tasty. The sausage was all the more succulent for the guy forgetting to charge it to my total bill, which came in at a round £3.00.

Back up in the audit room and I was in mid-conversation, with my breakfast box hanging dangerously close to the edge of the table. Indeed, if not for Fahim’s hand, it could have ended up on my (suede) dress or on the floor. Credit to his reflexes for saving my day.  

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Thursday

My dad remarked that the jumper I chose to wear today doesn’t have a very obvious logo on it. What cruel irony is this?

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Did 11 year old me ever think of her 21 year old self deciding to take a 6:11 train, instead of the 6:20, just so she could catch some z’s onboard? #10yearchallenge

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Aytaj offered me some of her chocolate. It’s milk chocolate with a hint of toffee, but it looks like dark chocolate. Azerbaijani chocolate has exceeded my expectations. 

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Had to reach out to a guy from our Swiss team in order to get some accounts that the UK team needs. No need to fear - Emanuel is here (!!!)

He is also up for the weekend because let’s be real, as if that isn’t what everyone is thinking.

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Oh my gosh, just filled up my bottle and that is some.fresh.water.

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I enjoy sitting next to Aytaj. No one else would have such fun trying to solve an IT issue. Or have cool client names (Sandwich, Hong Hong...and my personal fave; Jing Jing). Or laugh about their half-eaten chicken leg on the floor. (Thankfully, it was in a box). 

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Managed to return the favour to Aytaj and gave her a chocolate biscuit. Matt H had one too. 

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Friday

Does Nick even know my name? Of course, there is no reason for him to address me by it when it’s just the two of us in the audit room. 

He promised not to rub his fancy breakast in his face as he left the room to go the restaurant. We’re approaching banter stage. 

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Fahim looked shattered, and I told him as much.

Me, over Skype; You look so tired

Fahim: my face speaks 1000 words about my tiredness lol

Me: Where’s a painting emoji when you need it?

Earlier we’d gone to get drinks from another floor today. I remarked that I don’t drink coffee, and he was really surprised. Shocked indeed. I must be one of the few people who don’t in this job. Coffee is like water for the majority of finance professionals. (I jest, but I have honestly seen people drink as much coffee as water, if not more.)

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Sahil knows I get in early, so when someone said that I’d need to go and do something at 11:30am, he joked and said “That’s like evening for her.”

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“Deepa, who you Skpying?” I could feel my stomach fall as I heard Jits ask. “You always put on your privacy screen when you’re not doing work?” I wasn’t Skyping, I was updating this blog. My thoughts will live on, as I hope them to, in this manner. Even if my currently healthy sleeping pattern doesn’t make it. 

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Nick (Dorn as opposed to Daws) asked Jits which song the line “It’s electrifying” I was. I responded “Greased Lightning” without a second thought. Jits remarked that it must have been a favourite of my parents’ in their teen years. He wasn’t right about them liking it - but they were both 19 at the time of its release. Wow.

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Watching a comedy programme and I just sat through the comedian mentioning the word ‘cunnilingus’ without any change in my facial expression whatsoever. I deserve a pat on the back for making it. Thank god my parents didn’t ask me to explain what it was...

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Saturday

Four months till my exams, with busy season yet to really start for me. Cripes.

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Attempted to read. Attempted being the key word here. Made my revision timetable though.

A bit sad about my lack of weekend social life over the next few months, as if I even had one to miss?

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Steak was worth forgoing my nap for. Only just. It’s been too long since I’ve had pure meat like this. I don’t think I could ever be a vegetarian.

Asked for a different kind of salad and got served the wrong one, only for them to bring a new one instead! Free salad, yay! (Green leaves are gr8, what)

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This new car is too clever for us. One tyre goes under the set pressure and it sets off a warning sign in the car. Ignorance really is bliss.

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To write or not to write, that is the question.

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Sunday

Lifted my stuff off the floor and found Ayana’s letter underneath.I’d completely forgotten about it. It’s nearly a month after she sent it to me, and she deserves a lengthy reply. I’l take it in my bag to work and draft a reply to write next week.

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Revision is going rather fine, if I do say so myself. Of course, I am not even one day in. Time will tell. 

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You know when you can sometimes taste what you had earlier? My cod liver oil capsule obviously broke on the way down, because my mouth has just been flooded with a fish taste. If someone kissed me right now, would they taste it?

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I wrote, and it was liberating. 

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Less than an hour to bedtime and the first edition of a week in anecdotes and not-shower shower thoughts was a success. Here’s to next week and many more.

Deeps 

[emmalt24]

A Significant Relationship

When I was 23/24 I went through a real I have no idea what the hell I’m doing with my life phase. I was working as a nanny and going through an incessant clubbing and running phase. Even though I was worried about the judgement from my parents and more straight edged high school peers it was one of the greatest carefree times in my life. I would be clubbing until 4am at a private members club in Mayfair then ferrying my insanely talented children I nannied around to national swim practice, tennis, hockey, you name it they did it. 

Maddox Mayfair - A favourite old haunt! Left to right; me, Jazz & Suraya (aka Susu / Island Cutie) 

Anyway, despite the fun of this laissez faire blip in my life. I was my harshest critic and I would constantly berate myself for not having chosen a graduate scheme in the field I had trained in. I had done well at school, in my degrees and had completed numerous internships and even worked alongside my masters degree. I don’t know what it was, office life just wasn’t for me. I felt I’d put all my eggs into one basket. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I’d always loved working with children and heavily considered becoming a teacher. So alongside my nannying job I also became a Teaching Assistant (just for one term, thank god) to make sure it was the path I wanted to follow. Alas, I decided to follow through and become a fully fledged teacher. 

My first day as a Teaching Assistant. I was happy I was taking a step in the right direction.

Let's just backtrack a little. I was lost in what I was doing. In that time I didn’t have a boyfriend per say but the occasional post clubbing hook up / casual dating but nothing which led to much. I remember my last full day of nannying before shortening my hours to work at the school as a teaching assistant, I went on a date with my (little did I know at the time) long term boyfriend for the next (nearly) four years. I may have told a little white lie on the date in telling him that I had been at my school for longer than I had just so he would think my life was a little more ‘on track’ than it was at the time! 

We met at a pub for a drink and the rest was history. In the years that ensued we went on numerous trips, moved in together, our families became close and we became a very established couple. From the moment we met, I felt that he filled in my blips, patchy career path and that we complemented each other. His education and career trajectory was a lot smoother than mine. He got four As at A Level, went to a top University and went on to build out startups and secure shares in them as he went along. I felt stability knowing that he was so professionally secure and in the time we were together I focused on getting my career on track. He supported me with applications, essays and he even convinced me not to quit Teacher Training when I felt I couldn’t go on. Without him I’m not sure I’d be where I am today. I was the sporty, lateral thinker and he was the intellectual, logical pragmatist. We balanced each other out (or so I thought). His Whats App messages were like poetry, carefully crafted with skilful intellect. I miss them a little . . . 

Obviously no one can ‘complete’ you. As I alluded to in my previous blog post, there is a reason behind the fact I often felt intellectually inferior to my ex and others. ALSO the cleverest girl in my class at school was also called Emma which didn’t help my situation, she was like Einstein. Throughout the relationship I never felt clever enough for him but I loved how he admired and appreciated the work I did and the level of patience he knew it required that was not in his repertoire. 

A predominately happy 4 year relationship (minus the fights…)

His friends wedding on a private island in the Philippines 

Dinner with friends 

The Break Up 

There obviously are reasons why every couple break up and I do not think it fair to post the nitty-gritty publicly online (nor can I really be bothered to write it all out). 

The crux of it was - we argued quite a lot and often blew very small things out of proportion. The slightest change of mood could turn into days of passive aggression and I often felt as though I were treading on eggshells to avoid the inevitable. He was hyper vigilant to any mood change on my behalf so I would always feel like I had to be a perfect girlfriend who was happy all the time even when he had upset me. I tried really hard but sometimes it’s impossible not to let your emotions show, especially when you live together, have had a stressful day or are not feeling your best. 

The days leading up to the break up 

We had been at one of my best friend's wedding together in India for nearly a week. I had to return for work but he had just left his job so he stayed on for about 10 days travelling.

The first night of my friends incredible Indian wedding in Mumbai.

I was back at our flat and was busy with work. He would send me daily updates and pictures of what he’d been up to. Some days he wouldn’t message me at all but when he did reach out he assured me that it was because of the lack of WiFi connection on the Karalan waves - fair enough. At the time I did not see our relationship in jeopardy. He returned on a Tuesday evening. I remember I had felt really unwell at work that day which was unlike me. I was susceptible to coughs and colds working around children but they would never stop me from going to school and generally getting on with my normal, everyday life. This evening in particular I felt feverish and just generally really bad. He had made dinner for me and was eager to tell me about his trip. I tried to act as interested as I could but I genuinely felt so awful, I think towards the end of the meal I admitted to him, ‘I think I’m coming down with something’. He had never been overly sympathetic with me when I had been ill in the past but he’d never had to be because I’d always bounced back in a day or two. I wasn’t so sure if I’d be able to this time… 

In the days that followed I felt worse and worse and I felt like the biggest nuisance to him despite not being able to help being unwell. I was off work a little and he used this as an opportunity to not be in the flat when I was there too. I remember on one of the days that week work sent me home at lunch because I felt so awful. I got home and had a hot bath, which only spiked my raging temperature higher and then bundled into layers of clothes and hurled myself beneath layers of blankets. I was incessantly shaking, coughing, genuinely felt like death. I was messaging him asking him to buy some things to make me feel better but he didn’t reply all evening. When he finally did return home he eventually made his way into the bedroom, gave some half hearted, ‘my phone had died and I didn’t see your messages’ excuse and offered me some vitamins?! I stupidly somehow went to work the next day, although I really shouldn’t have because I still felt terrible. Then the next night I was feeling extra awful again. I woke up in the morning and again was getting ready for work when I felt incredibly nauseous and sick. I decided to stay at home so I lay on the sofa while he was still asleep, booked a doctor's appointment and got my best friend's broth recipe to hopefully make me feel a little more human. He was suspicious as to why I wasn’t at school, questioned my prognosis and said that I was taking out feeling unwell on him. He left for the gym he was doing a trial at and then proceeded to spend the rest of the day at his parents house and didn’t message to see how I was doing until late in the evening. I went to the doctor, got some advice as to how to deal with my raging temperature, made my broth but still felt awful. I just remember trying to have a ‘room temperature’ shower amid shivers and just willing to feel normal again. 

That night he returned and the minute he walked in the door he could see from the look on my face that we needed to talk. I explained how hurt I was that he hadn’t supported me or checked in more over the past few days of not feeling well. He was half heartedly sympathetic and we ended up talking for the best part of three hours although the time escapes me, it was all a bit of a blur. All I remember was a long speel towards the end of the talk on our relationship - one was on making it work and moving forward and the other was the opposite. He built up both of the options like skyscrapers, one would stand tall rooted to its foundations and the other would come crashing down. He went for the second option and in that moment my entire world came crushing down. I just remember starring at him in astonishment, ‘this is over?’. I said in deep blindsided shock. ‘Yes’. He confirmed. I just couldn’t believe it, we were over, this was it, the end of us. 

The Catalyst 

That night I tossed and I turned, I just couldn’t sleep, I was in deep shock and utterly heartbroken. He wasn’t sleeping overly well either and I remember waking at the same time and asking him if last night really happened. It was a very tumultuous night but despite being unwell and exhausted I proceeded to having a very productive day despite not being able to make it through most hours without bursting into tears. He had a boozy lads Christmas Day planned with his football friends which he of course felt obliged to attend so I used the day to run errands and stay productive. He gave me that day (Saturday) to get my head together and then on Sunday he said he would help me pack up my things to move back home. I had some eBay items to sell so I first of all cycled to the post office to sort them out then I went on to a garden centre a few miles on to buy him a plant (we were obsessed with them) as a little parting gift. My head was all over the place, I probably would have bought him a car if he’d have asked for one! I returned to the flat briefly to shower then I went to a friends house up the road to walk their dog and hang out there after. They were going to be out for the day so they said I could stay there. I’d messaged them in the morning explaining what had happened so they were happy for me to stay there and keep their dog company. I just didn’t want to be alone in what I knew wasn’t our flat anymore. It was too heartbreaking, we had chosen the majority of the furniture together and had built a life there. Now it felt as though the rug had been completed ripped from beneath my feet. I even popped down the road to get my class an end of term gift, did a little workout at the house before collapsing into a heap of tears to which the labrador I was with tried to console me. Eventually (at around 9pm) I watched the film Marriage Story at the house, (which of course was totally the wrong film to watch at the time) and made myself a sympathy drink.

At this point I had barely eaten anything all day, it had slipped my mind a little. I was too focused on keeping busy. In the morning before my ex departed he made me a bagel, baked beans and a fried egg. This would be a typical weekend breakfast for us which I would usually lap up but I remember taking one bite of the bagel and not being able to go on. I had no appetite and food was last on my agenda. I had a few sips of coffee and got on with my day.

The next day was moving home day which physically hurt. Again I barely ate anything, I was too focused on packing everything up and dreading having to move back in with my parents. Not that my parents arn’t lovely, it just felt like the biggest step back. I tried to leave with as much grace as I came with, I was not angry and I did not shout, I was just so so sad. I remember loading up the dishwasher as he loaded up my car but then when I sat on the sofa and immediately noticed the dust on the table I thought to myself nah love you can do that! I think the way I dealt with the break up surprised him. He saw a side of me I didn’t even know I had. Nothing can prepare you for something like that, when you are shocked to your core. You don’t know how you’re going to react, you just ‘cope’. 

My parents helped get the bundles of clothes and other things out of my car into my room. There was a lot of stuff and I still had quite a few things left at the flat. I just remember my not very big room floor being covered with bags and I felt like I didn’t even know where to begin. I felt physically awful still and was just so shocked and sad. I somehow managed to sort it all and put some clothes out for work the next day, the last week of work before the Christmas Holidays. 

The week that followed at work was a bit of a blur. I’m not really sure how I made it in each day and put on a brave face. I remember on the Monday morning I’d just gotten into work and the Head and the Deputy Head were putting milk in the fridge in the corridor and as I walked past them I wanted to explain what had happened but I knew I’d burst into tears so I refrained and instead went over to my classroom. My teacher friend came straight over to my classroom, coffee in hand and hugged me tight (I burst into tears then surprise surprise!). She was (and still is) one of my biggest supports. I had the sweetest class at the time and each day that week after lunch during the register they would say, ‘Miss Thompson I hope you have the best Christmas ever’, I had the biggest lump in my throat when they said that to me! That week I didn’t eat lunch in the staffroom, I didn’t eat at all. Maybe a baby tomato or a banana but nothing substantial. Black coffee and chewing gum were my main sources of fuel that week. Little did I know that week would lead to a year of restrictive eating and purging. The breakup was the catalyst that lead me down a slippery path of self destruction as a subconscious way of numbing the pain of the breakup. 

[bts-love-sweat-tears]

(Ice) Princess, Part 2

Title: (Ice) Princess, Part 2.

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

Type: Fluff/ Angst

Rating: PG

Author’s Note: I’ve had an amazing response to my last two stories, so thank you so much to everyone who has read and liked! I meant for Ice Princess to be a one-shot, but I couldn’t stop thinking about all the directions it could go in. Please enjoy, and let me know if you have any feedback! I will likely update on Tuesdays nights or Wednesdays ❤️

Link to Part 1

Part 2

You weren’t sure if it was your ears or your phone buzzing when you first heard the sound the following morning. You hadn’t had that much, but since you didn’t drink too often, even a little had a strong impact. Soon though, you realized that it was, in fact, your phone. Opening one eye, you glanced at the screen, and saw that you had seven unread messages from Taehyung. He had saved himself as “Tae-oppa 🐶” in your phone. If your eyes weren’t still bleary with sleep, you’d have rolled them.

Annyeong! It’s Kim Taehyung, in case you forgot!!!!

How are you this morning? Thinking about me?

I hope you text me back soon, I’m bored, kekeke.

I’d invite you over to play Overwatch, but I don’t think my managers or hyungs would like that, since they don’t know how cool you are (YET)!!!

Let’s do something fun today! We could go to the park!!!!!!!

Or the aquarium!!!!!!!

OR PAINTBALL….I LOVE PAINTBALL. DO YOU LOVE PAINTBALL?!?!?!?!

His messages had increasingly more capital letters and exclamation points, and you could see the ellipsis at the bottom of your screen meaning that he was typing more. You decided to message him back as quickly as possible before he spontaneously combusted. But if you were being honest with yourself, you liked that he was excited to hang out with you-it was flattering. And if you were being even more honest, you were also feeling excited. Whether you would express that excitement to him was a different matter entirely.

Annyeonghaseo, you typed back. Tae, it’s 6 in the morning.

Within seconds of sending the last message, there was already another in your inbox.

Exactly. The day is new-let’s make the most of it!

His optimism was strangely refreshing.

I have meetings all day, from 9, and then a couple of international calls that will go late, you replied.

It’s okay! I have filming for our new MV (I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you!)  and then practice. We can go this morning! Live a little, Y/N!

How was his energy so boundless? Despite your hesitation, you found yourself wanting to go somewhere with him. Hadn’t you just been hoping for new friends or excitement to mix up your daily routine? This new development with Tae was nothing if not exciting. And if today went badly, you could use work as an excuse to avoid him.

I can’t go anywhere too far from the office. Let’s go to the park.

Tae sent back an obscene number of emojis, along with the promise to meet you at the riverfront park by 7. You weren’t sure why you had said yes, when it was completely impractical to the flow of your day, but you were excited nonetheless. You ended up throwing on an oversized rust colored sweatshirt, with black jeans, slip on sandals, and a black beanie, and ran out the door.

You had never seen him like this. The other day in the glitz of the Gucci store, he had looked refined, elegant, and a little cold. Today he was wearing a burnt orange sweater with holes (that looked suspiciously intentional, you thought), and black jeans. He had a black baseball hat, a mask, and shades he had on backwards for some unknown reason. Did celebrities think that they blended in when they dressed that way? you wondered.  

He was still wearing Gucci slip ons, but he laughed when he saw you.

“Yah, we’re already in matching couple clothes.” He laughed and beamed that boxy smile to which you were already more susceptible than you would like to admit. You smiled back, blushing a little. “Shall we walk for a bit?” he beamed again, offering you his arm. If you were blushing a little before, you were positively red now. Trying to act casual, you took his arm, which was solid under your hand. He was unexpectedly tall up close-you were surprised you hadn’t noticed it when you collided yesterday.

It was a misty morning down by the riverfront park, and there were few people out. There was a slight chill to the air that early, but you were feeling strangely warm with Tae. He had been talking about his family, hometown, siblings, cousins, and everyone else from back home in Daegu. it was clear he missed them, but you also noticed the same love when he talked about his team members.  You had thought him to be everything from a superficial playboy to a goofy kid, but you realized how deep his emotions ran when it came to the people he cared for. It was clear that he was super observant too, with the way he spoke about people’s little quirks or hidden traits. It was also clear from the small flowers he would notice at the side of the trail, or a new graffiti that hadn’t been there the week before. You wondered how many times your paths had crossed without even realizing. You were in awe of the complex person in front of you. Suddenly, you felt immense gratitude for the fashion trends of your mother’s friends.

He whispered into your ear, causing you to jump and snap out of it. “Penny for your thoughts?”

Even though you’d been feeling super soft, there was no way that you would admit to it.

“Just zoning,” you smiled up at him. “I probably need more caffeine or something.”

You weren’t sure he completely believed you, but he quickly moved his arm away. Just as you started to feel (secretly) salty, he laced his fingers back through yours, and sped ahead.

“I know a great place right near here!!” You weren’t much of a follower, but you let him lead the way.

Before you knew it, you arrived at the cafe. It was dark polished wood, overstuffed chairs, and dim lighting. It was much more noir and 1930s that you would have expected. Not that you ever knew what to expect with Taehyung. It was very sophisticated. Tae led you over to a cozy couch in the corner, and gently pushed on your shoulders until you sat down. The lack of caffeine really was starting to hit you. He laughed another one of those wheezy laughs as you sunk into the couch and closed your eyes.

“Hold our spot- I’ll get the drinks. What do you like?” he asked.

“I’ll have a flat white or whatever’s good!”

As Tae got the drinks, you soaked up your surroundings. He was rubbing off on you-everything seemed to look new and fresh. You were really seeing things that normally faded into the background of your daily routine. It was quiet, with just a few other patrons getting their morning fix.  You noticed the barista staring at him, and some unknown feeling twisted in your stomach. Anxiety?  It faded into nothing as he settled in next to you on the couch, drinks in hand.

“What did you get?” You asked, taking a careful first sip of your flat white, trying not to burn your tongue.

“Mocha-the caffeine content of coffee and the sugar content of hot chocolate.”

A snort escaped you. So much for being cute. “I don’t think you need either of those things.”

“Yah, what are you trying to say?” He leaned in, like he was about to say something, when a flashes began blinding both of you.

You looked up to see a horde of paparazzi. Before you could even register what was happening, Tae was trying to shield your face, frantically putting his shades over your eyes and pulling your beanie lower onto your head. Though you didn’t say anything, you knew it was a lost cause. You were a boring heiress, but an heiress nonetheless. The paparazzi knew your face too. He grabbed your hand less gently, and ran outside to a waiting black van with the darkest tinted windows you had ever seen. Did they have a tracker on him? How did they get there so quickly? Strange the details one notices, when trying to avoid the obvious: the two of you were in trouble.

The ride back to the BigHit office was silent, and you could feel the disapproval radiating off of the driver, whoever he was.  You had never seen Tae like this. The carefree, warm person was gone, and replaced with a blank exterior. You weren’t sure that you could get through to him right now even if you wanted to. And you didn’t because you were already thinking about what resources you might be able to leverage to keep these photos private.  You had enough difficulty getting people to take you seriously- you didn’t need your life to be tabloid fodder. Not that you had thought this far ahead, but you knew this was an inauspicious beginning to whatever this was with Tae. You sighed at your own selfishness. What would this do to his career, as well? You knew that the photos looked far more incriminating than anything that had actually happened. The paparazzi had waited until the exact moment he leaned in. In some twisted sense, they were truly professionals.

The car came to an abrupt stop, and Tae was whisked away to parts unknown. You were unceremoniously dumped on the curb, where you had to procure your own way home. You quickly flagged a taxi down, and arrived at the office at 9 on the dot, already feeling exhausted.

You spent the rest of your day trying to get through your business obligations, but you couldn’t stop thinking about the look on Tae’s face. You collapsed into bed, but couldn’t sleep. In the middle of the night, realizing that you wouldn’t be able to stop thinking until you sent a few messages, you texted Tae.

I’m sorry, you wrote. We should have been more careful.

A few minutes later, you sent a third message.

If it’s any consolation, I had an amazing time. You paused, and added one, solitary emoji at the end of your message, but it still made you nervous.

❤️.

After staring at your phone screen for a few more minutes with no response, you finally fell asleep, though you were plagued by restlessness and stressful, abstract dreams.

[cas-tellation]

Not what you thought (I’m sorry, I didn’t know.)

Dan's ready to start his new life, as a boy. As Dan instead of Yazi. He's going to a new school in Manchester, where everybody knows him as Dan. Everything's going fine, except for when Nichole texts him and his binder is too tight and when dysphoria hits him like a fucking train. Oh, and there's that kid that sits with him behind the school at lunchtime and brings him food.

A/N; here’s the first chapter of my new fic :) 

Updates every Tuesday.

Masterlist -- Next chapter

Dan takes a deep breath. Last month's events play through his already-too-full mind, swirling together and making tears sting the corner of his eyes. Not sad, no. More like, just overwhelmed. To the extent of crying. In short, he was a mess. He takes another deep breath to stop a sob from escaping his chest, rolling onto his front, a whimper muffled by his pillow.

Boxes litter the floor around him, still having to be properly unpacked. A few Muse posers poke out of one that he had opened earlier, though he hadn’t actually found the will to take all the trivial bits and pieces from his old life and spread them and the memories that they held all over this fresh, new, clean start. His Dad had helped him set up the bed, and his mother had spoken about re-painting the walls, the pale pink paint that the room currently held was flaking off. Besides, it was pink. After the bed had been assembled, his Dad had said something about getting the wardrobe and desk up the stairs the next day, in order to put them into Dan’s new room.

A fresh start.

The first night, and tears are already on the pillow and maybe it’s overwhelmingness of maybe it’s homesickness even though this is his new home. This is his fresh start.

He hears a soft knock on his half-open door, and halfheartedly sits up, offering his Mum a little smile, leaning against her side when she sits on the edge of his bed.

“I’m okay.” Dan says, in lieu of the tears that still raced down his pale cheeks.

“Then why the tears, love?” She wraps an arm around Dan’s shoulders and hugs her son.

“I’m happy.” He confesses.

Even her chin trembles at this. She says, “Oh, Dan.”  Because  s he can’t remember the last time that Dan had said that. Years ago, most likely. Before soft white lines specked across his wrists and thighs and stomach, barely visible now. Before a night spent at a hospital, getting his stomach pumped after a badly-ended party at a friend’s house. Before she had asked him, “Why, Yazi, why are you doing this to yourself?” To which he had broken down and said, “Because I hate myself and I feel gross all the time and I think I might be a boy and it’s killing me!” He hadn’t been able to breath after he said that. Some said that when they told someone about how they were feeling, it was like a weight had been lifted off their chest.

Not Dan. It had felt like he was drowning, suffocating under too many emotions. the next day, according to his parents, he had passed out in his room, in a pool of blood. He didn’t wake up until hours later, in a hospital, more thick bandages wrapped around his wrists and a therapist talking to his parents.

He had been scared, of course. Not knowing what was happening and not recalling the exact words that he had said before. He wanted to go home but they wouldn’t let him. He had stayed at the hospital for weeks. They made him talk to therapists, talk to his parents, talk to doctors, all in trying to figure out what would happen in the future.

‘Are you going to try and do it again?’, ‘Do you feel like you need to get drunk or high?’, ‘Do you regret it?’, ‘What would you like us to do?’, ‘Can you tell me how you feel, Yazi?’

‘No. Yes, I don’t know yet.’, ‘Yes, I do.’, ‘For other people, yes.’, ‘I don’t know.’, ‘I don’t know, don’t call me Yazi.’

They had settled on Dan in the end. Daniel James Howell. Dan thought that it sounded good. Masculine and strong. A new name, a new house, new school, hopefully new friends. A new start.

Three months after everything had happened, yet it still seems as if everything’s moving too fast.

His mom tells him that she’s happy, too.

She tells him that she thinks that this will work.

She tells him that she loves him.

And then, she leaves and Dan is left alone with his thoughts again. He flops back onto his bed, his hands resting on his stomach. He decided to try talking to his parents about going on testosterone tomorrow at breakfast. That is, if he could pluck up his courage. Even after all the therapy and endless pushes from other people to just talk to them about how he feels; he’s still constantly struggling to open up.

His parents tell him that they understand, and how this is hard for them too, but they support him and will do everything that they can do to help him, but what they don’t get is that a huge part of this is something that Dan has to deal with on his own. They can’t fix everything, no matter how much they’d like to.

The binder is hurting his back more than he’d like to admit. His parents had gotten it for him as a ‘you’re out of the hospital which means that you’re not going to try to kill yourself again yay we love you son’ gift. Still, Dan had been overjoyed. Very obviously, it made him feel more valid. Like his parents accepted that being trans was a thing that he actually was, and not just some weird teen ‘phase’ or trend.

He runs his hands under his T-shirt, feeling the flatness of his chest, slight happiness trailing through his body. Back down, to the curve of his waist that’s too feminine and brings the dysphoria back. Hips that are too wide. Fingers slim and slender. Torso too narrow. Face too angular and eyelashes too thick.

He pinches at his skin, pulling a bit of it away from his body and then letting it go, the fat instantly going back into place. A glare makes it’s way onto his face.

The room feels too small.

His chest hurts and it feels to tight and why can’t he breath where did the air go?

He gasps, fighting for breath and then launching himself out of bed, to the window. Fumbling with the lock before pushing it open, letting the cold autumn air press against his too-warm body.

He squeezes his eyes shut and keeps telling himself that this is all happening just because he’s overwhelmed. That’s it; just overwhelmed and homesick for his old house back in London.

He pulls himself up to the windowsill, letting his feet dangle down into the empty space outside, cold swirling around him, offering comfort of sorts. If his mom saw him now, she’d yell at him to get down, saying something about how she didn’t go through all of this just for him to break his neck whilst falling two stories down from a window. He ignores her non-existent nagging, focusing instead on the sharp window frame cutting into the back of his thighs.

He tells himself that he shouldn’t like the discomfort that it’s making him feel, but likes it anyway.

-

He ignores the slight bruising on his rib cage when he puts his binder back on after a shower. In the past, if he had a bruise, he would press his fingers against it, letting the dull ache feel considerably sharper. But he doesn’t touch the bruises on his rib cage. Doesn’t stare at his naked body in the mirror, picking out all of the things that he hates about himself, either. He tells himself that these are steps forward, however small they may seem. He tells himself that he’s happier, pushing the lingering thoughts of how he still craved to do the things that everyone had told him were wrong.

He paints a smile on his face before he goes around the corner to the kitchen, taking a deep breath despite the binder’s restrictions.

Just overwhelmed, but he can get through this. At least, that’s what he tells himself.

-

Nichole texts him just as he’s shoving a forkful of syrup-drenched pancake into his mouth. He chokes on the food, coughing it out all over his plate, his eyes watering. His Mum frowns at him, and he shoots her a slightly-apologetic looking smile, before grabbing his phone off the table.

Nic: Maven said that Tris said that you moved wtf.

Dan: Sorry for not telling you yikes my bad.

Nic: Tf happened.

Nic: Don’t ignore me you little shit im ur best friend why didn’t you tell me?

Dan: It’s a long story.

Nic: Well, I’ve got time. Tell me.

Dan: Im trans. A boy. Yknow how bad the drinking and drugs got, and the selfharm you know about that, too. My parents found out. In the hospital for ages and now in manchester. A new start, apparently.

Dan’s hands are shaking as he types. But only a little.

Nic: And you didn’t tell me, why?

Dan: I should have. I’ve been a mess.

Nic: A mess is an understatement, kid. I haven’t heard from you in ages.

Nic: I didn’t even get to say goodbye??? How’s that fair???

Dan: Sorry.

Nic: Stop apologizing, I get why you did it.

Nic: I just fucking miss you.

Dan: You know I miss you, too.

Nic: I gtg but we need to talk later bye

Dan: Bye.

“No texting at the table.” Dan’s Mum chides just as he puts his phone back down. He swallows thickly and sips at his orange juice.

Through everything, breakfast was the one thing that had always stayed the same. His Mum would always make a huge breakfast, and they would always eat it together. Him, his Mum, and his Dad. Two years ago, Nichole would have joined them too, many times a week. That was, until everything spiraled down into shit.

His parents had told her not to come by their house anymore. They thought that she was the one who was bringing their child down. Backwards, even then, trying to make everything someone else’s fault.

Nichole’s fault that Yazi’s coming home drunk, Nichole’s fault that we have to get Yazi’s stomach pumped, Nichole’s fault that Yazi’s high, Nichole’s fault that Yazi is hurting herself.

Never once, the truth. Never once a ‘Yazi’s like this because she’s sad and we’re blaming other people instead of trying to help.’

Apparently it took a suicide attempt to get their heads outof their asses.

-

The school is only a ten minute walk away from their new house, but Dan’s parents still insist on driving him. An excuse of; “We have to talk to the principal” was one that Dan couldn’t really brush off that easily.

Dan’s hands shake a bit as he walks up the steps to the intimidating front entrance. His parents are a few paces behind him.

This nervousness isn’t really comparable to any other that he’d felt before. Right now, he’s scared that someone will find out that he’s trans. Maybe his hips are too wide and this eyelashes are too thick and his lips to full and his chest to big. The binder bites into his ribs uncomfortably but he tells himself that this is normal and that everything’s going to be fine.

-

Dan’s standing in front of the men’s bathroom door. He takes a deep breath, then another. He glances to right towards the girl’s room.

He glares, then pushes open the door.

He did it.

-

It’s hard to breath. The classroom seems too small and stuffy and his new classmates seem to loud and his chest feels too big even though it’s compressed down so much that it digs into his ribs.

He lifts two fingers up to his neck, pressing them into the skin just below his jawline, feeling his pulse. Like he’s checking to see if he’s really alive.

Thump, thump, thump, his heart goes.

They’re going to see that you’re not cis, his mind goes.

The teacher -- Dan hadn’t bothered trying to remember her name -- is talking about some sort of math equation. He’d look up how to do it on youtube later. Right now, he main priority is trying to stay somewhat sane.

He’s never really felt like this before and therefore doesn’t really know how to deal with it.

Everyone here called him Dan. Or Daniel. Not one ‘Yazi’ had slipped past anybody's lips.

Wasn’t this supposed to make him feel more like himself? Because right now it just confused him even more. Yes, it feels good to hear everybody calling him by his new name. But would they still call him that even if they knew that he was trans?

-

Lunch is another thing altogether.

In classes, he had a set schedule.

Though he hadn’t really been paying too much attention to the teachers, it seemed as if he had a purpose; to learn. To absorb knowledge that he’d most likely never use again. To ignore the loud cis boys at the back of the class and the equally loud straight girls at the front, to smile in a way that hopefully was kind at the misfits scattered around everywhere - the people that his Mum would want him to be friends with. The people who actually listened. He could promptly ignore the other ones; the Nichole-type people. The ones who smoked behind the school gym when they were bored and got shitfaced on school nights and seldom slept for a full six-hours. He could remember being one of those types of people. Maybe he still was. Maybe that’s why his skin itched when one of their gazes fell on him, silently asking, ‘whom art thou Daniel?’

And then, Lunch.

Dan goes outside. He’s not hungry anyway.

He debated walking down the street a bit to go to the cafe that he had seen on the way there.

As it was, he ended up behind the school, glancing around quickly to see if anybody could see him, then shoving his hands up his shirt and pulling the edges of his binder away from his red skin. It didn’t help much.

He sits there, beside a storage shed, until the bell rings.

-

Nic: Where are you living now anyway?

Dan: Just outside of manchester.

Nic: You gonna get a northern accent?

Dan: I’d rather die tbh

Nic: So.

Dan: SoO??

Nic: How are you?

Nic: And dont you fuckign dARE pull any of that ‘im fine’ bullshit

Nic: Tell me, Mr.Howell, how are you doing?

Dan: I’m goooooooood

Nic: No ur not tell me how ur really doing you nerd

Dan: Idk

Dan: Emotions are complicated af

-

“Did you have a good day at school?” Dan’s mum says when her son barges through the front door.

“Yeah it was fine.” Dan grumbles, throwing his bag onto the floor and stomping up the stairs to his room.

“Y’know you could be a bit more grateful,” and then faintly hears his mum call, “We did this all for you, after all.”

He pretends that he didn’t hear her.

-

Binder on, or binder off? Does the dysphoria win over the pain?

He keeps his binder on.

He paces back and forth in his room. It’s too small for this kind of emotion.

He throws open his window, leaning out of it. Downstairs, he can hear his mum preparing dinner. Minutes later, he was sure that he’d be able to hear his father coming home from work. They’d want to hear how his first day at school had been, “Did you meet any friends?”, “How are your teachers?”, “Did you find your way to your classes on time?”, “What did you eat for lunch?”, “Are you happy there?”

No, fine, yes, nothing, no.

He turns his phone on, his thumb hovering over the ‘Call’ button on Nichole’s contact. He shuts it off and throws it across the room. He needs to be strong and cut her off, isn’t that what his parents wanted him to do? And shouldn’t he pay attention and listen to their wishes after they’d literally uprooted their lives and moved to a new city -- all so that he could start over and be who he really is?

He growls lightly, listening as the front door opens and then banging shut and as if on cue, his father’s bright and loud voice easily resonating up the stairs and to Dan’s little room full of too much but not enough.

He digs into his pocket for earbuds and crosses the room to his phone, plugging them in and turning on the music too loud to hear anything. It can’t drown out his thoughts, but he does try.

The sun fades from the sky quickly.

Dan peels his binder off his body when his mum calls him down for dinner. The red marks it leaves itch when he pulls on a loose hoodie, but he ignores it.

-

Dan wakes up before the sun’s rays shine over the horizon.

He likes being awake early, it’s peaceful. He turns on some soft music and pushes his window open, letting the cool morning air waft into his room.

-

He can see every one of his ribs. The mirror is a bit dirty and cracked, distorting his face slightly but showing his toso nearly perfectly. He prods a bit at the skin on his hips, a glare instantly making it’s way onto his face. There’s red marks along his chest, showing where the binder pressed down too hard.

He cups his tits in his hands, digging his fingernails in, so much that it hurts.

He moves his hands up, running them through his short brown hair, pushing it back up into a quiff and jutting his jaw forewards a bit, squaring his shoulders and standing with his legs farther apart.

Masculine? Maybe?

His breasts are still there, his boxers fall flat where there should be a bulge. His eyelashes are thick and his hips are too wide and his stomach too flat and arms to skinny. When he talks, his voice sounds a bit too high. His face is smooth, no stubble.

Feminine? Maybe?

But then again, what defines femininity and masculinity? Does it really all just depend on what you look like?

-

He ends up scrunching up a sock and stuffing it down the front of his boxers, securing it in place with a few safety pins. He takes a huge deep breath, and then slips the too-tight binder on over his bruised ribs.

Baggy jeans and an old T-shirt, followed by a sweatshirt. It wasn’t like he was trying to impress anybody. He digs through one of the cardboard boxes that still have yet to be unpacked, finding some matching socks and putting those on as well.

He looks at his reflection again in the full-length mirror. Jutting out his jaw, squaring his shoulders, lifting his chin up, spreading his legs a bit.

He swallows thickly.

Masculine, almost.

As long as you ignored the things that he was hiding.

-

The atmosphere at the school seems different. Dan brushes it off easily though, internally snapping at himself when fear jolts through him.

He smiles at one of the girls in his class, looking away quickly when she furiously blushes.

He sits behind the school by the shed at lunch again. He doesn’t know anyone well enough to eat with them. He scrolls few a few missed messages from Nichole, telling himself that he’d answer them later.

Killing time has always been one of Dan’s talents. It wasn’t useful for much, except for the fact that he could sit completely still for hours without getting bored. Most people would get all fidgety and want to move around, but he just sits there for the whole duration of the lunch time. An hour later, he goes back to class.

-

He hasn’t made any friends.

It’s been a week at the new school, and he hasn’t said more than a dozen words to the same person.

When his mum asks him how things are going, he brushes it off with a simple; “It’s fine.”

It is. It is because everyone calls him Dan even though his voice is a little higher than most boys. It is, because nobody offers him a cigarette when they come behind the school smoke. It is, because his parents call him their son.

But, in another way; it’s all wrong. When asked about going on testosterone, or having surgery, his parents had exchanged a look and then said that they’d discuss it in the future. It’s wrong because his binder feels too tight and it’s bruising his ribs too much. It’s wrong because he doesn’t talk to anyone in case they figure out he’s trans.

[reviewkidoodle]

Life Update

In the busyness of life, when I’m overwhelmed by the day to day and kids all talking to me at the same time it’s hard to remember update you on the big and little things in our lives that you’ve been so gracious to pray for and care about in my little posts on social media. Here’s the scoop on our life, Friends, in a few short paragraphs:

Babies We had the trial for the babies’ parents’ rights to be terminated scheduled at the beginning of October. The afternoon before the trial we got word that it was postponed. This was the second time it’s been postponed so we expected it would be a few months. We heard the next day that the trial was rescheduled for mid February. It was really discouraging when it happened because I wanted answers but I need to realize that waiting is teaching me some hard lessons… like that patience isn’t my thing but it needs to be.

Paris When AJ and I were in the midst of the flip we decided we needed to get away after we completed the house. We found really affordable tickets to France and booked four nights away in Paris (well, one as a red eye flight) over Thanksgiving. This was our longest time away from the kids. I can’t wait to share with you more about the trip… including the amazing Christmas decor around the city. I lived in these shoes that I picked up at Nordstrom Rack for our exploring around the city didn’t get one blister even after miles of walking each day nor did I feel out of style with the Parisians. I’ll share with you one of my absolute favorite purchases ever that I got in Paris too… think glam.

 The Flip

On Monday we had buyers for the flip back out because their financing didn’t come through (they needed to sell their home and their buyer backed out). We got that news on my birthday so needless to say it wasn’t the best birthday… and then we put it back on the market on Tuesday and had a full price offer come in with a closing date that is exactly the same as the offer that feel through. The inspection is tomorrow morning so we realize anything can happen and we could be back at square one. We intentionally did as much as we could to get it ready for a conventional mortgage (there was no way it was qualifying for one when we purchased it because so many big deal things needed to be done to the house) and then left things for the future home buyer to do (nothing incredibly major). I’ll talk more about that in another post but all that to say is that we know the inspection isn’t a slam dunk because some people might be scared off by a few of the remaining projects.

Christmas Gifts

I am almost done with our Christmas shopping. I always score on Black Friday so when I knew we would be in Paris for Thanksgiving I was worried I wouldn’t be ahead of the game or save as much as I usually do but I cleaned up at J. Crew Factory this year… have you ever shopped there? It is SO much more affordable than the regular J. Crew and I get tons of things for the whole family there. They sent me a coupon for 60% off an in store purchase to use the weekend before Thanksgiving so I went up to the Kittery, Maine outlet and checked a bunch of gifts off my list. I’m always on their website too and their shipping is just a $5 flat rate. This sounds like an ad but I’m really just obsessed. The quality is great and the items I purchase are Marshalls / TJ Maxx priced. I also get money back from EBates every time I shop there. EBates is another site I’ll go on and on about… especially if you do online shopping.

My other go-to for this year has been Amazon. I accidentally signed up for Amazon Prime a little over a year ago and it was one of the best accidents ever. It has been a game changer to have two day free shipping on tons of things… especially since getting to the store to shop isn’t as easy as it was pre-twins.

Another Project

Someone contacted me in October who follows our adventures renovating on Facebook and asked AJ and I if we would renovate their condo, which was previously a rental, and get it ready to sell. They live in the Midwest so they aren’t able to be a part of any of the process. They gave us $20,000 to do the entire space and basically said “you choose the best way to spend the money”. It’s already looking significantly better. The kitchen is going to be almost the exact same layout because there is no space to do anything differently

Hope you have a wonderful weekend and don’t forget to check out my last post about a Christmas dessert bar in case you missed it!

The post Life Update appeared first on Migonis Home.

Life Update posted first on aireloomreview.blogspot.com

[c-osmicparadise]

From 100 to 0

Back on tumblr for a while because I feel like I should be documenting this whole experience down. (Also because I don’t have the mental capacity nor mood to be studying, and I’ve exhausted everything interesting there is on the Internet). So here goes... 

Today is 11/11/2017. About 3 weeks back, I made the crazy decision to come back to Singapore for reading week + the extra week of ABFC I had left to submit the Mini-Proj. I came home on 29/10/2017 and it was great! Being home meant not having to cook but still having amazing food; not having to stress over laundry/ cleaning and just focusing on my work. 

I spent the week mostly cooped up at home trying to complete the Mini Project Report because our results were sadly very insignificant and it was tough trying to justify them. I was free on Friday after submissions, and the next day (3/11/2017) headed to meet my best friend and also catch a play at Yale-NUS. 

Met many USP friends across Monday and Tuesday as well and that was when the condition of my body became more apparent. While preparing for a meetup with A on Monday, I had already pictured what I was going to wear. A proven ensemble of a nice grey top and a green maxi skirt. But when I put it on, it looked terrible. I was confused. This same thing happened for a couple of dresses that I knew I looked good in, but I just didn’t anymore?? How could it be. I expressed my slight disdain to my folks, and they were puzzled too. 

Fast forward 2 days later, mom and aunt were convinced that there was something wrong with my abdomen. So they made me lie down, and true enough, unlike what would happen with fats i.e. you would still look flat when you lied down; my abdomen was protruding out. 

And all this time I had brushed it off as “FUPA - Fatty Upper Pubic Area” / Lower Belly Fat which even made me go for HIIT sessions with M and G during the week. So it turns out that it was not. 

The whole fam was activated as we went to Thomson Medical Centre for a Women’s clinic on Weds 8/11/2017. It was quite a funny experience tbh initially, as everyone there was pregnant and I felt sorely out of place/ conditioned to think that I may be pregnant too (???) but of course we know that wasn’t possible. But I was still super happy to see all these budding young couples who are looking forward to new bundle of joy in their lives. After some waiting time, the doctor proceeded to lay me down and press my abdomen area, and recommended I went for an ultrasound scan. So I did. That was another 3-4 hours of long waiting + actually doing the ultrasound scan. 

I obtained my results, showed it to the doctor and it revealed that I had an 17.7cm cyst in my body. That is freaking huge. To put things into perspective, its longer than a 15cm ruler. Its also a 4month old baby. And your ovaries are 3cm each. So this bloody cyst was essentially covering both of my ovaries, and they couldn’t tell whether it was ovarian or from the intestines. This was extremely worrying. 

My biggest cause for concern were too many to count, in my mind there were so many things going on! I was due to fly back to the UK to continue “normal life” on the night of 11/11/2017, but obviously, here I am writing this post. This cyst was huge, and cysts are pretty much also tumours I guess, so the main question was whether this damn thing was cancerous. Had it developed cancerous characteristics? But perhaps the thing that made me cry the most, was the fact that it could originate from the ovary, and even if it didn’t, my ovaries are in a very precarious situation. They could risk being removed alongside the cyst, and that speaks a lot about future fertility. I was quite broken when I heard that. It was even more terrible as we were in a Women’s clinic and everyone around me was pregnant/ brought their baby over and it was just heartbreaking to even think of the possibility that I might never have that chance. 

Surgery was imminent, and we knew that it had to be removed asap. However, I was in the middle of my final Autumn term at Imperial, my final year. It was again difficult to grasp that I might have to skip school/ take a year out/ stop classes/ not graduate on time??? :( Coupled with the fact that we were going to be seeking private treatment just bcuz it’ll be much faster but the bills will also skyrocket, this whole thing was just a massive blow. From 100 to 0 I felt my life went. 

We obtained a referral to Dr. Wong’s friend, Dr. Tay (oh same surname!) who was apparently a very famous oncology&gynae. The appointment was Friday 10/11/2017. 

On Friday, we headed to Thomson Women’s Cancer Centre. Now the name alone was scary shit enough. There were quite a substantial number of people there, I was quite shocked tbh, but then it dawned upon me that yeah, everyone always has a different story of why they are somewhere, a cancer centre too. I had my appointment with the doctor, and he carefully explained that I would have to undergo a laparatomy, and the various options should the cyst turn out to benign/malignant/borderline. There was no way of making sure what condition it was until during the operation, whereby he would take a frozen section of the cyst on the spot to determine its condition. Throughout, he ascertained that he would do his best to protect my reproductive system, but again that would be conditioned on the cyst’s characteristics. The more potential for it to be cancerous, the more organs I’d have to remove. 

I then took a blood test to test for any cancerous markers and thankfully the results seem like it’s good, no scary amount of cancer markers. 

So its Saturday now, 2 days to the surgery. I’ve just been googling what a laparatomy really means, and what happens post-op. 

http://my-flights-of-fancy.blogspot.sg/2011/09/ovarian-cyst-and-laparotomy.html

What I got out of this blog post and several others, was the sad thing that I’d have to lose all my normal bodily functions after the operation incl drinking, feeding and any form of excretion :( but also walking, standing, running (haha) wow. This whole episode has really made me realise how important health is. Without a healthy body, you truly can’t do anything, not even study, regardless of how smart you can be, the mental capacity ties in with the physical capacity too. 

And things that we take for granted, like a healthy reproductive system or even menstruation, are actually also privileges. Things that not everyone is endowed with. It pains my heart to think about what would happen if I had my ovaries removed, just one even, could reduce fertility despite what my doctor friends saying that it’ll be ok. But hell no, you’re not the one who’s gna be MISSING something from your body. 

This brings me to another point about friendship. So far I’ve only told those who asked about my whereabouts/ well-being or are close friends eg. J and also Daniel. But of those that I’ve had to recount to, I notice a few phenomenon. Some I am thankful to have known, who are worried from the very beginning, who understand that no matter what they say, it cannot be equivalent to the struggles that I as an individual or me and my family are going true, who offer love in many ways. And then there’s the other spectrum where I get the “I know how you feel” (but do you?) and “are you okay?” (what if i say I’m actually not) or the “one ovary is still ok!” (how’d you know?), where I find myself having to play up the fact that this thing might be god damn cancerous, this thing is bigger than a 15cm ruler, this thing is stopping me from going back to school, from dancing, from going out, and then later on, this thing will make me bed-ridden and unable to even pee or poo or fart (!!) on my own, to make you actually think that my condition is serious. I don’t think I’m trying to gain sympathy or pity or anything, but I don’t think its hard to have true empathy, to think from my perspective, to realise that my WHOLE life is on hold because of this surgery, to realise that the magnitude of this surgery does not reside in whether or not the cyst is cancerous, but that it’s the size of a freaking 4 month old baby. But I also understand that not everyone can give up their own normal life for a while and truly be with a friend in need. But for those who can, thank you for being a friend indeed. 

Will update with more experiences in the hospital. Sigh. 

[psychicmedium14]

(Updated and Corrected)

#AstroProTips

Tuesday, July 4th

Venus enters Gemini

Mercury in Cancer square Uranus in Aries, both at 28°

Wednesday, July 5th

Mercury enters Leo

Sun in Cancer trine Neptune in Pisces, both at 14°

Sun in Cancer square Jupiter in Libra, both at 14°

Friday, July 7th

Mercury in Leo sextile Venus in Gemini, both at 2°

Saturday, July 8th

9:07 PM PT – Full moon at 17° Capricorn

Sunday, July 9th

Sun in Cancer opposes Pluto in Capricorn, both at 18°

Friday, July 14th

Mercury in Leo sextile Jupiter in Libra, both at 14°

Early July opens up with Venus trying on the versatile style of Gemini. Here Venus will connect us to a myriad of possibilities, partners and predicaments. In Gemini, Venus knows how to have a good time no matter whom it’s with. Hard to hold but impossible to forget, Venus in Gemini can convince a friend, or enemy, of anything. But be careful trying to hold it to its word. The windy realms of Gemini shift quickly. Lasting unions are less important than interesting ones. Venus is in Gemini until July 31st.

On the same day that Venus changes sign, Mercury in Cancer squares Uranus in Aries. This combination delivers messages that are sure to challenge our sense of security. Generally hair-raising, disruptive and possibly derailing, squares to Uranus are as unpredictable as a revolution. Don’t tie yourself to any one outcome but instead create space for intellectual freedom. Entering Leo the next day, Mercury goes from one dramatic move to the next. In Leo, Mercury will move into a sextile with Venus. Since Venus is in Mercury’s home sign (Gemini), there is a reception between the planets, one that can help us to create mutually beneficial partnerships.

Next up the sun in Cancer moves into an inspirational trine to Neptune before making an exaggerative square to Jupiter in Libra, magnifying the needs that we have yet to meet.

But it’s the full moon in Capricorn that dominates the next two weeks.

The full moon gives us ground to stand on. Tools to utilize. Productive practices to put into place. Capricorn opposes Cancer. Instead of focusing on what one feels, Capricorn focuses on what can get done. Feelings come and go, but accomplishments last a lifetime.

Capricorn has rules. It respects the structure of things. Will figure out how to scale any kind of scaffolding.

This full moon is conjunct Pluto. Within a degree of the underworld deity, its light illuminates the ways in which we are transforming the structures of our world. The systems we live within are in need of a deep overhaul, but overhauls take time. Overhauls take effort. Overhauls take the work of one generation after another.

When Pluto is in the astrological mix, it exposes the hell-realms that we must acknowledge if we are to make any real and lasting change. We know that the structures of this world were not built to protect the most vulnerable among us. They were not built to distribute resources equally. They were not built to give everyone the same access to necessities. We can’t condemn those of us that don’t have a way to what we need, but we can condemn the systems that keep us from them. After the full moon occurs, the sun will also come into an exact opposition to Pluto. Here the ego undergoes its own underworld journey. As it is stripped of the layers of its false pretenses, there is a purification process that can leave us remarkably refreshed.

This two week period is finished off by an inspiring sextile from Mercury in Leo to Jupiter in Libra. After experiencing the intense flavors of the full moon, we get to cleanse our palate with an uplifting apéritif.

*Horoscopes are meant to be read as inspiration. If you know both your rising sign and sun sign, please read both horoscopes. They both contain important information. You’ll know which resonates more for you from week to week. Take what works for you, leave the rest. If you find inspiration here we love and appreciate donations. If you want to share this work you must quote it and link it to this post and website. Thank you for your support and for spreading the work around, we really appreciate it and you!

Aries & Aries Rising:

The accomplishments that you have made in your career become a major focus with the arrival of the full moon on July 8th. This full moon wakes up your appetite for achievement. It highlights the gold stars that you’ve been getting. It reveals if they are the kind of accolades that align you with your life’s calling, or further you from it.

Don’t get caught on the top of a mountain that wasn’t yours to climb.

Tune into your spiritual ambitions. Consider the end-game. Remind yourself of the legacy that you want to leave so that you don’t waste your energy trying to get 15 minutes of fame. Fame falls flat unless it naturally arises out of a groundswell of inner-knowing. Accomplishments that validate our lived experience are always the most satiating. When they don’t, we likely to be resentful of what we don’t have.

Let the full moon clear out the aspects of your career that you are no longer interested in. Let your public persona be transformed if its current incarnation doesn’t resonate with your core values. Let go of pushing towards other people’s dreams. Or expectations of you.

Being able to forge our way towards our truth is no small task. It requires us to take risks. It requires us to work without rewards for a while. Maybe a long while. It requires us to be inspired to push back against the set-backs until we get somewhere.

With the influx of creative energy that you’ll have infiltrating your systems, you’ve got enough to inspire you through even the densest of days. Remember to keep coloring outside the lines to see what you can create.

*In honor of Cancer season I am teaching Your Moon: Understanding The Moon in Your Chart. In astrology, the moon represents our physical, emotional and psychological needs. The moon in our chart illustrates the ways in which we need to construct our days so that we can effectively live out our life’s purpose. Join me to learn about how to work with your moon so that it can be an ally to you, helping you to fulfill your life goals and find healing in the process.

Taurus & Taurus Rising:

Let it transform the way you think about it. Approach it. Work through it. Let it challenge you to purge your biases about it. Your misconceptions of it. Your expectations around it. Let it help you to release the need to be right about it. Be heard by anyone save yourself. Be understood by anyone save yourself.

Save yourself from being trapped in an all or nothing situation.

The next couple of weeks might lead you to believe that an extreme stance is all there is. Try to remind yourself that there are more sides to the story than even you know. You can be incredibly firm about your core values while still being open to nuances you’ve yet to learn about.

Let yourself be changed by the alchemical process of unlearning. Let the parts of your mind that are wound too tightly around a subject unfurl. Let a new experience help you experience yourself in a new way.

The more you understand how your own thinking can prevent you from finding the simplest and most seamless solutions, the more you can access the opportunities that are being constantly presented to you. Ask for guidance in doing so. Ask to be lent the insight needed to get the most out of the experiences you are offered. Ask to have the courage to stretch your mind beyond right and wrong so that you can enter a greater understanding and, therefore, a greater range of options.

*In honor of Cancer season I am teaching Your Moon: Understanding The Moon in Your Chart. In astrology, the moon represents our physical, emotional and psychological needs. The moon in our chart illustrates the ways in which we need to construct our days so that we can effectively live out our life’s purpose. Join me to learn about how to work with your moon so that it can be an ally to you, helping you to fulfill your life goals and find healing in the process.

Gemini & Gemini Rising:

For the time being you have an auspicious omen around you. For the time being you are cosmically adorned. For the time being it would be good for you to get out so you can gain the goodwill of the doors that are opening to you.

Welcome Venus in Gemini.

For the next month, Venus will be encouraging you to curate the cutest relationships that you can. It will be encouraging you to engage in the rituals that bring you in connection with the folks you adore, to venture into the neighborhoods you haven’t visited in a while, and to get yourself to the events where stimulating conversations flow.

There’s a lot to be learned when you are able to listen deeply, so do so.

The full moon on July 8th carries with it the capacity for you to course correct. It’s an invitation for a deeply honest and cathartic assessment of your debts. What do you owe? Who owes you? Who gives you credit and who makes you prove yourself unfairly? Ask yourself if there is a balance between what you give out and what you get in return.

This full moon will demand that you to continue the work you have been doing on your finances. It wants to transform the way in which you make investments and encourages you to understand the power that you have to change the outcome of your life. To be able to help someone access their own agency is a gift that never stops giving. Make investments in others that help them help themselves.

*In honor of Cancer season I am teaching Your Moon: Understanding The Moon in Your Chart. In astrology, the moon represents our physical, emotional and psychological needs. The moon in our chart illustrates the ways in which we need to construct our days so that we can effectively live out our life’s purpose. Join me to learn about how to work with your moon so that it can be an ally to you, helping you to fulfill your life goals and find healing in the process.

Cancer & Cancer Rising:

Even the most radical among us are afraid of change. To lose the comfort of the familiar, even if that familiar thing is harming us or just not in our best interest, is jarring. Your sign is known for its tenacious tendencies. Holding onto the past is a past-time. One that you and your siblings are mostly unconscious of doing.

But this trait does you no good when old ties bind you back to situations that make you feel like you need to shrink in order to fit in. To fold in order to find acceptance. To put up with abusive behaviors in order to be in partnership.

Become more conscious of your shame. Where it comes from. Why you feel the need to hold onto it. What you might do to right a wrong that you have committed. That way you’ll be less likely to be manipulated by the bad behavior of others. Less likely to let yourself be put on the pedestals that others want to knock you off of.

We all have adversaries. We’ll all be provoked by the maligned motivations of others. We’ll all need to learn how to steer clear of the traps laid out by the trifling.

Tune into your instinctual desires. The full moon on July 8th tears down the precarious and erects potency in its place. It wants you to get in touch with the parts of yourself that you might have been too afraid to claim. Claim your rage. Claim your complexities. Claim your devious decisions.

Claim yourself in full and it will change you completely.

It will change your relationship to life. It will change your way of showing up for it. It will change how you deal with those that challenge you. When we get right with our shortcomings as well as our sagacious savvy, we exist beyond the grasp of the heartless. We exist as ourselves, unapologetically and un-manipulatable.

*In honor of Cancer season I am teaching Your Moon: Understanding The Moon in Your Chart. In astrology, the moon represents our physical, emotional and psychological needs. The moon in our chart illustrates the ways in which we need to construct our days so that we can effectively live out our life’s purpose. Join me to learn about how to work with your moon so that it can be an ally to you, helping you to fulfill your life goals and find healing in the process.

Leo & Leo Rising:

The transformation comes from doing the work the way you know it needs to be done. No matter how long it takes. The satisfaction comes from being able to know that you gave this project your best. Completing the tasks in front of you will be immeasurably fulfilling, helping you to successfully close up a chapter.

The full moon on July 8th brings rewards for your work. It makes it clear that you are in the midst of a great transformation. It makes it obvious that whatever is coming to a close is doing so because there is a lot more coming to you.

Stay tuned.

Dial into the work-life balance that you need at the moment. Whatever tensions are testing you on the job need to be worked out somewhere so that you don’t internalize them. Therapy. The beach. The gym. The nap-time that you can fit in. The rest of the summer is bound to be bringing you out into the world in ways that leave you little time to rest. Take this time to reset yourself. Take this time to replenish yourself. Take this time to reinvent yourself. Your body is in need of attention and you’re allowed to take a moment to relieve the tension. You have plenty of friends that want to frolic with you right now and an ample supply of sweet social situations that can help you to shift gears and unwind. Take the opportunities to do so when and where you can.

*In honor of Cancer season I am teaching Your Moon: Understanding The Moon in Your Chart. In astrology, the moon represents our physical, emotional and psychological needs. The moon in our chart illustrates the ways in which we need to construct our days so that we can effectively live out our life’s purpose. Join me to learn about how to work with your moon so that it can be an ally to you, helping you to fulfill your life goals and find healing in the process.

Virgo & Virgo Rising:

Great art changes us. It helps us think in new ways. Helps us breath a little deeper. Helps us to understand parts of ourselves that have been out of reach.

Great art contextualizes the pain that we have carried in our hearts. Secretly. Quietly. Unconsciously.

Great art reveals to us what we didn’t know how to know. Until someone else knew for us. Until someone else was generous enough to help us know for ourselves.

Great art is made out of living our lives as best we can. It’s made through tending to our children’s needs in the best ways we know how to. It’s made through using our creative energy to solve the problems that we have in front of us.

Great art is made out of enjoying every morsel of love given to us. It’s made out of making more out of the love that flows through us. It’s made out of being transformed by the love offered by those around us.

The full moon on July 8th and the astrology that surrounds it is imploring you to participate in the remaking of your love-life. That might be through friends, through lovers, through children, or through creative projects. However it manifests, it’s a deeply transformative process. One that reminds you of the inspiration available to you through the colorful palette of the love in your life.

*In honor of Cancer season I am teaching Your Moon: Understanding The Moon in Your Chart. In astrology, the moon represents our physical, emotional and psychological needs. The moon in our chart illustrates the ways in which we need to construct our days so that we can effectively live out our life’s purpose. Join me to learn about how to work with your moon so that it can be an ally to you, helping you to fulfill your life goals and find healing in the process.

Libra & Libra Rising:

Everything that gets unearthed in the next two weeks is meant to be put to use. In your career. In your work. In terms of how you show up in the world. Let any intense feelings that you are working through fuel your ambitions. Let your history be your launchpad for this moment. Let yourself make good use out of the pain of your past. Or present.

Allow yourself to move on from what what holds you back. Allow yourself to transform the traditions that don’t encourage your autonomy. Allow yourself to create conditions where healing can occur.

Healing helps us to reevaluate our life story. What do you tell yourself about your past? Healing helps us to retell our tale in ways that help us find the triumphs in our trials. What do you need to give yourself credit for? Healing helps us to renew our faith in the process of becoming. We can only take one step at a time.

While the full moon on July 8th will challenge you to revamp your foundations, the next couple of weeks ask you to also reframe the ways in which you relate to your professional aspirations. Facing the challenges in both of those areas unearths something incredibly significant about you. You are made of tremendously sturdy material. You can be incredibly resourceful when you need to be. You can rise to the challenges that surface with incredible integrity. Don’t forget to tell yourself that as often as you need the reminder.

*In honor of Cancer season I am teaching Your Moon: Understanding The Moon in Your Chart. In astrology, the moon represents our physical, emotional and psychological needs. The moon in our chart illustrates the ways in which we need to construct our days so that we can effectively live out our life’s purpose. Join me to learn about how to work with your moon so that it can be an ally to you, helping you to fulfill your life goals and find healing in the process.

Scorpio & Scorpio Rising:

Your routines can turn the tides. Make time for the practices that help you to transform negative emotions into fuel to tackle your timetable. Your daily schedule is a temple to worship within. Fill it with all the things that help you get your feel-good fixes. Fill it with exercises that help you to purge yourself of toxic ties.

This is no time to hold on to relationships that aren’t able to work through complex situations. Your willingness to have difficult conversations can help you release something that has been keeping you stuck. Give yourself permission to move through discomfort so that you can move towards the relief that truth brings.

This doesn’t mean that you have license to unload on whomever is standing in front of you. In fact, that would be the worst way to use the effects of the full moon on July 8th. This month’s full moon is a time to be honest with yourself and to use that honesty to help you make more informed decisions.

This month’s full moon will help you to understand the most empowering shifts that you could make to your schedule. This full moon will offer you the opportunity to open yourself up to new ways of knowing. Emotionally. Physically. Psychically. It wants you to take your body of knowledge seriously so that it can be put to use for the betterment of your whole life.

*In honor of Cancer season I am teaching Your Moon: Understanding The Moon in Your Chart. In astrology, the moon represents our physical, emotional and psychological needs. The moon in our chart illustrates the ways in which we need to construct our days so that we can effectively live out our life’s purpose. Join me to learn about how to work with your moon so that it can be an ally to you, helping you to fulfill your life goals and find healing in the process.

Sagittarius & Sagittarius Rising:

The full moon on July 8th puts an exclamation point on the ways in which you have been able to utilize your resources. It illuminates the recent accomplishments you’ve made in regards to your work. It makes clear the efforts that are paying off. It reveals the power of the tools at your disposal.

It exaggerates your hunger to use what you’ve got to succeed. Encourages your appetite for mutually beneficial situations.

With major help from Venus for all of July, you’ll be even more incorrigibly cute than usual. Venus opens up multiple avenues for potent partnerships that can support current and future projects.

But be careful not to feel obligated to treat every opportunity with another as important.

The days that follow the full moon ask you to let go of what you don’t have room for right now. It’s important that you give precedence to the most essential dates on your calendar. By mid-July you’ll have even more connections coming your way. Folks will be excited to hear about what you are doing and the future plans that you have for your work. The more streamlined you can keep things, the more others will be able to envision how they can fit into and encourage the growth you are going through. Your blueprints can be in-depth and complex, but keep finding ways to present them so that their brilliance is up front and bold.

*In honor of Cancer season I am teaching Your Moon: Understanding The Moon in Your Chart. In astrology, the moon represents our physical, emotional and psychological needs. The moon in our chart illustrates the ways in which we need to construct our days so that we can effectively live out our life’s purpose. Join me to learn about how to work with your moon so that it can be an ally to you, helping you to fulfill your life goals and find healing in the process.

Capricorn & Capricorn Rising:

The full moon on July 8th has a ceaseless appetite. It lends you its voraciousness. Reminds you that your hunger is valid. Reminds you that it’s your job to hunt for what you need.

Give yourself permission to pounce on the opportunities in front of you.

Use the days leading up to the full moon to tip the scales in your favor when possible. Show up early. Put in your best effort while you are there. Stay late to make sure the job is complete. Everything that you do leading up to the full moon will be amplified by its culmination. Including you. Because this full moon in Capricorn illuminates all that you have accomplished on a personal level. Look back at the last 6 months to see what it is you have been able to grow into, out of, and through. Especially the things that have been difficult, devastating or demolishing in their power.

Growth doesn’t come from having one good thing after another happen to us. It comes when we are able to learn from the difficulties that we face while cultivating gratitude for what we have while we face it.

This full moon is mighty. It may complete a process. It might push you to the edge of your comfort. It might be the transformation that you’ve been waiting for.

Don’t wait for anyone’s permission to change. Trust the inner shifts that are taking place and the outer overhauls they might be creating.

*In honor of Cancer season I am teaching Your Moon: Understanding The Moon in Your Chart. In astrology, the moon represents our physical, emotional and psychological needs. The moon in our chart illustrates the ways in which we need to construct our days so that we can effectively live out our life’s purpose. Join me to learn about how to work with your moon so that it can be an ally to you, helping you to fulfill your life goals and find healing in the process.

Aquarius & Aquarius Rising:

It’s impossible to account for the kind of wealth that self-knowledge produces. It’s something that never leaves us. Something that no situation can take from us. Something that we have to earn through intense effort.

Self-knowledge doesn’t come from the pretty pictures that we post. It doesn’t come from presenting what is pleasing. It doesn’t come from the platitudes that crumble in our hands when we need something real to hold onto.

The full moon on July 8th illustrates the ways in which you have been able to be in relationship with the difficult, painful, or even fearful aspects of self. It’s a full moon that reveals the reasons why it is essential to keep at self-reflective practices. Without getting lazy. Without getting complacent. Without getting ahead of yourself.

Cures come from the most curious sources.

Seek out the ones that you need in this moment. Seek out what keeps you grounded. Seek out the spaces and places that allow you to take a break. Seek out what helps you to make use of your struggles and what gives your more painful experiences a meaningful context.

There is always more to learn abut ourselves. More to uncover. More to empty out. More to make peace with. Your ability to accompany yourself on this transformational journey is fundamental to your well-being. Your ability to tend to the less glamorous aspects of your life can keep you on track. Your ability to keep up with the metaphorical and literal chores can make a world of difference. Sometimes self-care is excruciatingly boring but doing those menial tasks can be undeniably healing.

*In honor of Cancer season I am teaching Your Moon: Understanding The Moon in Your Chart. In astrology, the moon represents our physical, emotional and psychological needs. The moon in our chart illustrates the ways in which we need to construct our days so that we can effectively live out our life’s purpose. Join me to learn about how to work with your moon so that it can be an ally to you, helping you to fulfill your life goals and find healing in the process.

Pisces & Pisces Rising:

We all have a desire to find our people. We all have a desire to be understood by a group of peers that can fill in what our family experience has lacked. We all have had moments of feeling the impossibility of fitting in.

The full moon on July 8th punctuates the importance of your ability to accept yourself as-is. It reminds you of the transformative power that becomes available to you when you choose yourself over the need to people please.

Please yourself first.

When we are able to arrive at the party knowing who we are and what we are bringing to it, we show up as someone ready to collaborate. On equal ground. With our own source of energy, vitality and creativity. Use the days surrounding the full moon to work on healing the self-doubt that separates you from others. No one has it all together but there may be people that can help you upgrade your game and deepen your connection to what is important to you.

Venus spends the majority of July bringing you into contact with family in a way that helps you to heal old wounds with greater ease. It supports your ability to have conversations that can help to mend what’s broken. It makes what was tense more tender. It’s not a magic cure for family feuds but it can inspire you to do what you can to make the best of the situation that you have inherited.

*In honor of Cancer season I am teaching Your Moon: Understanding The Moon in Your Chart. In astrology, the moon represents our physical, emotional and psychological needs. The moon in our chart illustrates the ways in which we need to construct our days so that we can effectively live out our life’s purpose. Join me to learn about how to work with your moon so that it can be an ally to you, helping you to fulfill your life goals and find healing in the process.