#life has been real shitty this past week and this is how my neurodivergent brain has decided to cope

[ouatsqincorrect]

ok so i figured out a complete timeline of present events in s1. i went through the transcripts and the episodes themselves figured it out by what the characters say and when they change clothes. this season lasted a lot longer than i thought it did

this shouldn’t be taken 100% literally but it’s the best i could come up with considering what the show provides us with which is not very much

[finsterhund]

Almost my birthday. And then almost the day I lost Cazza. Struggling unbelievably badly. I'm trying anything to hold it together. I have a healthy potato plant and I got a tiny little oak sapling and I have several little sprouts from apple seeds and I have my childhood willow tree cuttings starting to root. They are the only things keeping me alive at this point.

I keep thinking about how when my trees are bigger I can get nice big pots for them and I can top dress with those black and neon colored aquarium gravel I saw at the pet store. That's basically my only "able to think into the future" thing I've got.

I've been regressing. Really bad. In multiple different ways.

My body is also not doing too well. My jaw is so painfully tight and locking up from grinding/clenching/whatever and I have bites all over the inside of my mouth, immune system is practically useless and I'm both unable to sleep and unable to stop sleeping. No clue how to explain that but hopefully it comes across okay.

Somehow didn't shower for over a week. I finally did last night and I stayed in there for over five hours because I didn't want it to stop. My roommate forced me to have pizza. Not as in I didn't like pizza. I like pizza a lot. But as in I didn't feel able to eat it he had to manually steer my brain into getting pizza. I don't think I've had a proper meal other than the pizza in several days.

Otherwise I've been inside. Only inside. Except to walk Scott when nobody else is around. I'm trying to avoid interactions as much as possible because some of my more violent tendencies can get past my meds when I get this bad. I don't want to make somebody feel bad or upset or unsafe or some shit. It's harder to mask and hide how not okay I am and hide my developmental disorders and mental disabilities now. I realize I mask a whole fucking lot even though it's never enough.

Just been fucking crying and I suspect disassociating. The days are going by but I'm not conscious of things happening.

Sorry for no updates. Just want you to know I'm still here. In some capacity at least.

My first bean plant I think is dying. There's some sort of kink in the stem and even though I've given it a brace I don't know if it's going to pull through. At least in terms of growth beyond the spot. I'm really hoping it doesn't die around the same day Cazza did. I think I will actually fucking go postal.

I got a new to me daylight simulating reptile heat lamp for my plants and they seem to like it. More than the shitty pink grow light bulbs I had before from the dollar store. It's what my potato and apples exploded out under.

I want American chestnut saplings. I want my childhood cherry tree back. I managed to "unlock" an old memory of when people killed the tree I liked when I was very small. The one in the front yard with the scarf(?) tied to a lower branch. I have the image of the entire root they dug out being lifted out of the ground and the curling shape of that big ass taproot as they stole it from me.

I keep trying to Google to see if it's possible that if there's some level of roots of my cherry tree still left in the ground that they could potentially send up sprouts that I could maybe someday ask the new owner about. You know, like American chestnut stump sprouts? But all the internet has to say is how to kill those potential spouts. It's not helping me feel better that's for sure.

Fruit trees I know for a fact were killed from the front yard of the Spot house since I lived there too I remember also. I think there are still some there though.

My neighbor was bothered by me somehow a couple weeks ago but I have no clue what the fuck I did and they won't tell me. I try my fucking hardest to be palatable for people in real life and not be difficult or annoying and shit still fucking happens. I fucking ask and I'm not given an answer and it's just brushed off. It's probably my neurodivergentness being unsightly or some shit. They have irresponsibly soft views on dog husbandry and joke about me being no fun for not letting Scott run around off leash or not eating random shit off the ground on so maybe it's that??? But they did literally mention that they knew "something was wrong" with me when we first met. This isn't a new thing and I haven't seen them since I've gotten this bad right now but I still keep fucking thinking about it.

I don't belong anywhere. I don't have a home. I don't have a family. As real as things online are to me they aren't physically tangible and monkey brain want to feel and hold.

I'm aware right now at how I try to take up as little space as possible and it's still never enough. My roommate has stuff filling practically every area of our shared living space, stuff lining every wall, and he gets mad at me for having my computer chair in the living room or fixing something out on the floor. When he was having his mental health emergency I comforted him and let him lie on my bed and held him while he cried but as he got better the "getting short with me because I'm not immediately putting my tools and shit away" started up again. So now I'm keeping things I need to clean in a garbage bag in my room so it doesn't get grime on my stupid ass carpet I've been repeatedly vacuuming because if I put cups and pots and other shit I need to wash and soak on the kitchen counter by the sink he'll get after me and make me feel more upset.

There's a mold problem so I have to clean things more frequently. He says it might be in the plumbing. Knowing things I think this may be correct. I have no clue where the fuck that shit is coming from otherwise.

I like watching him play Zelda tears of the kingdom but I wish I could play. I've been unable to play games for idk how long. Same with reading, drawing, everything else. It looks like a good game at least. I like it. Reminds me of going over to my friend's house and play Ocarina of Time. Tulin feels a lot like Orion. Makes me wish I could actually accomplish something with my books. He's like if someone who wasn't a complete fuck up managed to make the character and put him in something that actually fucking got released.

I think once I've exhausted all the old vegetable seeds my neighbor gave me I'll stick to just my runner beans and trees from now on. A lot of them don't seem to be viable anymore so it's not gonna take too long but I feel bad. I hate having dirt I hate having dirt spill on the stupid fucking carpet. I want to just say fuck it and rip that shit out of my bedroom so fucking bad. I think at this point the only thing stopping me from doing that is how I'd have to take my furniture out to do it and my roommate getting mad at me. Theoretically due to how the landlords are a stupid corporation of brainless degenerate cunts if I kept the shit ass carpet all in one piece if I removed it when it was time to move out I could just nailgun the bitch back in and they'd be none the wiser. I'd probably do a better job than the stupid incompetent nepo baby they get to to maintenance in these cubicles regardless. Apparently they're under new management and fired that guy? Who fucking knows. I still don't trust whatever chud they send in to replace the shit plumbing job or rewire the faulty electrical. My roommate's light switch shocks him by the way. I'm sure that's totally normal. The hallway outlet started smoking years ago so we simply just don't use that. Probably just the wind.

I had to unclog the kitchen sink. It's gross. It's built in such a way that particles won't actually fully go down. As in they used the wrong shape pipe pieces. Simply stellar. I can't be assed to replace it yet though. The bathroom sink is slow draining too and roommate keeps reminding me to fix that as well but I don't fucking want to right now. Maybe I should because fixing things helps me feel better but I hate the yucky gross gross. I wish I could actually wear gloves but it is so damn hard to use my hands with gloves. My stupid fucking mental brain stupid and my stupid fucking impaired fine motor skills. Hands are basically just imprecise lumps of meat that twitch and shudder.

Somehow it's 4AM. Wow. Idk. How did this happen again.

I wish my seedlings would stop dampening off or whatever the fuck. It's probably the goddamn mold or some shit. I wish I understood how plants get nutrients with hydroponics because I'd do that but I'd be so fucking upset if they died.

Wish I had a parent who cared about me the way I care about my plants lol. Wish I had some level of security.

Also you know. Wish Cazza was back. It's gotten to the point where she feels like a theoretical supernatural entity now rather than my flesh and blood real life best friend who I used to be able to hold and touch and pet and smell and feel and hear and talk to and have close by always there for me.

Value village has been inexplicably closed for no reason for a month now and that was the one thing I could go and do and see new things. If it shuts down for good that will just be one more nail in the coffin.

Roommate says we can go to Home Depot for my birthday to get stuff for my plants but I'm scared I'm not going to want to or that I'm going to regret spending money. (Also very real possibility that he's going to get mad at me for spending money)

Maybe I should just buy an established tree. One that can with proper care thrive in a pot under grow lights. I wanted there to be a bond. Some sort of cosmic significance. Like the tree being related to one from my childhood or hand grown from seed by myself but I think I'd benefit from having someone that's already established enough that I don't have to worry too badly about pests and seedling conditions and shit. Something that doesn't feel too delicate for my stupid hands. I have to think how the hell I managed as a toddler but my tremors were probably much better. I don't remember having them until 12+ so it's probably the case. Maybe I'm also just not remembering my failures too. I don't know. I wish I wouldn't have planted my apple tree because mom would have kept it in its pot and someday I might have taken it back from her. But I have new baby apples and hopefully at least one will make it.

The Anakin quote about sand is so bitterly relatable to me now about just regular ass dirt. God fucking hate dirt. I need an adult who's respectable and wise and trustworthy to teach me about successfully growing healthy plants in soil-leas mediums. If there's horticulture or whatever the fuck school would I even be able to afford such a thing? Would it be accessible to my mental and physical shit?

Some pride though is that my mom told me I wouldn't be able to germinate store bought poppy seeds and I did. I fucking did. Take that. No clue if they'll grow past seedling stage with whatever the fuck is going on but I still fucking did it. No luck with pomegranates and mango seeds seem to be moldy before you even fucking eat the fruit but I specifically germinated the seeds I was told I couldn't.

Also fuck whoever told me that cuttings you're trying to root need darkness. You shitheels on the internet I swear to christ because I saw a guy on YouTube do an experiment and guess what!? Cuttings sprouted much better in a clear uncovered glass jar. Also despite algae they did better without water changing too.

I'm currently using hydrogen peroxide to fight the mold problems. It seems to be going away but I had to repot my green onions and cut them back significantly to hopefully save them.

One day I hope I have a house and some land. I want a solarium. I want a big glass room with lots of sunlight that's far away from other buildings or people or smoke or dust or other crap. There's a small orchard outside of the solarium that's surrounded by a windbreak of evergreens. So that it's only visible from the inside. When there's storms I can watch rain hit the glass and make a big waterfall across the roof and down the walls. You know, like the things in dairy queen dining rooms.

That's what's keeping me going. Eventually all the old super rich people will die and then disabled people (hell even a perfectly employable healthy guy in my generation at this point) will finally be able to own a house again.

Still hoping it'll be my grandparents farm though. I won't give up on that house even though everybody else has.

Nothing more to say that isn't repeating things or depraved rambling off into nothing so idk update over I guess.

[thesaltminesrph]

PSA: Be Upfront

Communication is important in RP.

Now, to preface, I am not going to use the really awful phrase "it's a hobby not a jobby" because this is a really sketch take on what is important to people. You can have a hobby mean a lot to you, be you a collector, a gardener, someone that builds model airplanes, a writer, an artist, etc. Those are all hobbies, and the fruits of your labor are NOT only valuable to you and others if you are paid for them. This saying implies that should you never be a published author, never have a painting sell, never do something that can be sold or have a time clock punched, it doesn’t at all matter. It’s a really discouraging thing to be telling people, quite honestly. I have multiple hobbies outside of RP. Kind of really sucks to see constantly they don’t matter because nobody pays me for what I do. I know I’m not the only one who has said this, but the majority aren’t willing to say it amongst the clamoring of ‘rp isn’t a job’ because then you get people jumping down your throat. Hear me out though! I’m not done.

“BUT I HAVE REAL LIFE!”

Yes! So do we all! We all have problems, and things to take care of. The RPC is littered with people with mental illness, neurodivergence, chronic physical illness (I hit all three categories multiple times, LUCKY ME!). Do not, I repeat, do not ever feel like you need to put RP before: bills, marriage/children/other relationships, your health. Literally, do not have your takeaway from this post be these are secondary to your hobby. They are not. Do not get evicted because you were too busy doing RP at your desk at work, that’s just plain dumb af.

You owe people decency means:

-if you can only do aesthetic posts this week because you are low on writing spoons, that’s fine

-if you had work/health/mother-in-law take over you life this week and you literally didn’t have time to log-in even though you wanted to, that’s fine

-if you are sick in bed and can’t bother to write, that’s fine

What it also means:

-dropping what was supposedly a years long ooc friendship because the other mun isn’t dropping their current muse for you and following you into a different fandom ‘because they’re now boring’ and telling them as much in a message...is shitty behavior.

-daily reblogging multiple memes that people are sending in to you, your wire, your discord, ignoring both those and messages to plot, then whining on the dash that no one wants to write with you (also known as trying to guilt trip interaction, obviously you only wanted it from one specific person not the people actively engaging you)...is shitty behavior.

-claiming you’re open for plots and memes, then only replying to the one or two people consistently for 6 months...is shitty behavior.

Again, in case it wasn’t clear- it’s your blog, it’s your life, it’s your health. That’s not in question.

HOWEVER- be upfront and give people some honesty! What do I mean by that?

If it’s feasible, post that you need a writing break, even if it’s going to be indefinite. Take as many fucking breaks as you need to for your physical and mental health to be the best they can be (I’m not going to say great, as I know what it’s like to just have a ‘good’ health day mean ‘it’s less shit than it could be’).

But if the situation is really you only want to write with these one or two people, just say so! It’s your blog, you’re allowed to decide you’re closed for plots, asks, etc. Just don’t lead people on. Don’t say something and mean something else. Don’t keep reblogging your promo and really you don’t want to write,  and you don’t plan on taking on new mutuals, and don’t plan on replying to dms or threads from anyone else.

I’ll repeat it a little differently to be sure it’s clear- you dictate your activity level and number of mutuals, when you answer asks, threads, etc. This should be at a level that is suited for you and your life, health, etc.

BUT when you engage in RP you are involving someone else’s free time with yours, and it is not fair to them to act like they do not matter. You have involved someone else. Until you disengage from them, be courteous.

I’ll give you an example. When you ask for that starter on both your dash, then DMs, and act super hyped, getting the other mun excited for it, and then they put the time and effort into writing it up and posting it for you, expecting a reply? Only for you to go and make new blogs and immediately ditch that muse without a heads-up? That’s not really fair to the other mun. You communicated you wanted to write this, you hyped them up, they spent their time and writing spoons on your starter...and then you told them other people were more exciting and a better use of your time.

“BUT I DIDN’T TELL THEM THAT!”

Okay, so you didn’t message them ‘Hey loser, your starter sucked, your muse is boring, and honestly, a different fandom is better! Bye!’ But your actions sure give that impression, and unless you communicate otherwise, it’s a shitty move.

Now yes, sometimes you genuinely forget a starter was written because you thought it was drafted and it wasn’t, dumblr is an ass and loses your draft and then you forgot it, something came up that day and bumped it from your mind, etc. NONE OF THESE ARE WHAT I AM REFERRING TO. I have ADHD, object permanence is the thing my brain does where often unless it’s directly in front of my face, it doesn’t exist, until I find it again. I’m aware these things happen, as are most muns, and we don’t mind! Hell, we usually have in our rules “hey if it’s been a hot minute and we haven’t replied to this, feel free to give us a little nudge to see if it’s been lost” because we all know between brains and dumblr’s everlasting fuckery...shit gets lost.

I’m talking about those times where you just up and leave someone hanging without communication. I’m also not saying it might even be on purpose. What I’m saying is you should consider how other muns feel when you do this, and if you cannot avoid it, at least communicate with them.

“Hey, I’m just no longer going to be writing this muse. Sorry I had you write that starter. Do you want to try something with this new one? This is where my brain is at right now.” “Hey I really can’t be online this month thanks to fill-in-the-blank but I do still want to write when I am able.” “Hey, I see you sent in that ask. I’m only interested in this one ship, and I won’t be taking on new threads, but you’re welcome to follow and maybe I’ll take on new threads later. I’m just writing with these two people right now.”

Communication is something that is a requirement in a collaborative hobby.

I know it can be scary. I know the mentality ‘well they reblogged that meme but it’s not for me, I know they said they want to plot but they don’t mean me’, but you really have to get past that when you roleplay to be fair to other people.

Spoiler alert: the examples of shitty behavior further above are what help feed this ‘that post/meme isn’t for me’ mentality, when you do those things you’re fostering people’s anxiety and rejection sensitivity...just saying.

If someone gets mad at you for communicating with them, they’re a shitty person and block them. Literally if someone has a problem with you for trying to start something, especially as mutuals, you’re losing nothing by not writing with them. Find nicer people. So don’t  be afraid to communicate you can’t write currently, you need a break, you’re only writing with these certain people. And don’t be afraid to send in the meme. I promise you, the right people appreciate courteous communication. The ones that don’t...

Again, no one is saying put your life on hold for RP, you’re never allowed to narrow your scope, you’re supposed to always have writing spoons, you need to produce five replies a day or you’re wrong, you always need to log-in to communicate you had a family emergency/depressive episode/etc.

What I am saying, is if you are capable of communicating, respect the time and energy of your fellow muns who may also be very low on spoons and free time themselves, and be honest about where you are at when it comes to taking on new threads, new asks, new partners, etc. Treat others how you want to be treated, and consider you probably wouldn’t like being on the receiving end of the behaviors I’ve described. If you need to be on the clock being paid to be a nice person...please re-evaluate.

[painted-crow]

Did you model Bookkeeper Badger or Courtier Badger most of the time ?

In regards to the past tense you're using--it's the Badger primary model I dropped. Which, I've held on to some of its ideals, but they're just another part of my Bird primary system, and that feels very different.

My Badger secondary model is still good and kicking though!

I was just gonna write about how I use it (and how I try not to use it) to answer this ask, but then it turned into

Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 3

(Badger model edition)

and I'm just gonna roll with it.

I did have an unhealthy way I used my Badger secondary model that was... either extreme Bookkeeper, or it's actually been unhealthy Lion secondary all along and I've been mis-Sorting it and this is why the idea of using Lion secondary wigs me out a little. (It's fine when other people use it, but I find the prospect of using it myself at least slightly terrifying.)

Part of my problem is that I'm way too used to situations where pushing through despite feeling like I was about to collapse was the only option. It's probably got to do with... well, some childhood stuff I won't go into too deeply. My mom was in the hospital a lot. The school situation I was in just made everything worse. It's complicated.

Anyway, if I'm under stress, I dissociate out exhaustion, hunger, emotional distress, and even physical pain for hours or days at a time, and I can buckle down and hyperfocus on work (in what would be panic mode if I were more aware of my emotions during these periods). It sounds useful and badass but it really isn't.

Downside #1 is that I will eventually feel the effects of that panic, and any other needs I've been ignoring--it might be at a more convenient time, but those effects definitely won't be lessened.

Downside #2 is traumatic burnout. Do not try this at home. (I always hesitate to use the word "trauma" for my experiences, but the physical reaction I get to writing about some of this stuff says otherwise.)

Downside #3 is that I don't get to choose when my brain does or doesn't do this. It just happens when I'm under stress. I can't count how many times I've had an actual migraine and not noticed why I was so irritable for hours, when I could have taken something.

Downside #4 is that it works. This is possibly the worst one, because the phrase "do your best" takes on a cold sweat-inducing new meaning. My little "ability" has led to some absolutely buckwild performances under deadline, none of which I want to repeat, and I'm not sure I like knowing how much I can get done if I prioritize not failing over not burning out.

(On that note, if you thought my Badger primary model was Exploded last year, you should've seen it 3-4 years ago. I remember when this Kitten Witch post first went up, because I was like "...what? wait--")

In short, this is a very shitty superpower and I would like to re-roll.

I'm undecided whether this is a Badger flavored emergency mode, or the only Lion secondary I can recall using. I lean towards Badger because I have this pathological inability to half-ass anything, and it does not go away during emergencies. But it's possible that it felt Badger flavored because my unhealthy Badger primary model was egging it on with its self deprecating (...self dehumanizing?) exploded Badger crap.

So, wanna know how I got into these nasty deadline crunch situations where emergency hardcore Badger mode became "necessary"?

(I feel like I should reiterate my trigger warning on this series about now: we're talking about gifted kid burnout stuff and I'm about to sarcastically skewer some of my old thought processes here.)

Adequately warned? Great! Here are the step by step instructions to a real shitty time!

Take on a bunch of work while you're feeling okay, based on how much you think everyone else is doing.

Depression gets inevitably triggered somehow, by life stress or overwork or winter or whatever. Burn Bird secondary because that's been a stress response at least since high school.

Have absolutely no clue about the fact that your "limits" vary drastically and your productivity has huge peaks and valleys due to various forms of undiagnosed neurodivergence, which school/college is not designed to accommodate. So, rather than taking a rest and sorting out the stressful thing, get mad at yourself for "being lazy"!

Continue trying to work. Struggle wildly with executive dysfunction. Panic. Get frustrated and angry at yourself. It's cool, I'm sure this will make your Bird secondary start working again soon. (just kidding lol it's making it worse)

When you've aggravated your depression enough, shut down for a few months! Your work will still be there. Piling up. Taunting you. you're falling so far behind what are you doing everyone else can keep up except you

Get sick for a week. Feel relieved that at least now you have a legitimate excuse to not be working. This benefit may feel like it outweighs the symptoms of the flu or sinus infection or whatever you have.

Go into emergency hardcore mode, complete a ridiculous workload in the week before deadline, turn it all in, be almost too exhausted to feel guilty about doing everything last minute.

me: "I don't have ADHD! My focus is usually fine."

also me: this. ^ what is this.

So, I avoid that now. If I notice when Step 3 is happening and I can switch tasks--maybe clean my living space, do some laundry, get some good food, take care of tasks unrelated to whatever project it is that I'm too freaked out to work on--then Bird will be back in a week or two, assuming nothing else huge and stressful happens, and I'll have another productivity peak that'll let me catch up.

This is not the conventional wisdom. Conventional wisdom says you must never break momentum, you must schedule your work out 6 weeks ahead so you always know if you're on track, you must...!

Totally counterproductive for me. My brain is weird and did not come with a manual.

These days, on top of my Bird secondary, I model a mixture of Bookkeeper Badger and mirroring (a Courtier skill), for a number of purposes. I find work satisfying, I'm not afraid of long projects (that I choose), and that shifting, empathetic mirroring response is my default social mode.

But Badger's most important job is to gently take over when Bird is stressed out, and give it space to recover while methodically fixing anything about my situation that's not helping. It's good for that.

I prefer it to the alternative, anyway.