#lex bartholomeus

[incorrect-unib-quotes]

Mika: Doctor, I’m afraid of the Backstreet Boys! Lex: Tell me why. Mika: *screams*

[incorrect-hollow-night]

Mika: One day I will be strong and punch the sun.

Lex: Uhh, yeah.. pretty sure thats not possible, so uhh..

Mika: I will punch it.

Lex: Look, buddy. If you try and punch the sun your hand is just gonna get burned up… not really sure what you’re expecting here…

Mika: I'm gonna punch it real hard.

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Orie, staring at a half-finished painting: Something’s missing… what do you think I should add? Lex: Some red. Wagner: Some talent.

(submitted by inversionimpulse.)

[incorrect-hollow-night]

Mika: If I ever turned invisible the first thing I’d do is go to France and beat up a mime. Everyone would think he is the greatest performer to ever live.

Lex: Actually, if you were invisible the first you'd do is go blind, because no light would hit your eyes, it would just go through them.

Lex: So being invisible would suck.

Wagner: You must be fun at parties.

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Wagner: Alright maggots, listen up! Wagner’s about to teach you the pecking order. It goes: you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, a pile of Void droppings, Adelheid, then Wagner. Any questions? Mika: Um, yeah, I- [Is thrown out of window.] Wagner: Enjoy the climb back in, bitch! [Cut to the Altar of Light and Darkness] Lex: Um, Miss Wagner? I’m not sure about this training exerci- Wagner: Pecking order. Lex: I’m sorry, Miss Wagner. Wagner: Damn right you are.

(Submitted by Two By Four.)

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Lex: Next, I’m going to test just how much emotion an Autonomic Nerve can express. Orie: How do you plan to do that? Lex: I’m having it watch Marley and Me. Orie: You cruel bastard!

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Chaos: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury- Lex: It seems we happen to all be ladies, actually. Chaos: ...In that case this defense is going to appear extremely ill-advised.

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Orie: I call for all nearby Licht Kreis executors to mobilize and take formation! (Mika and Wagner show up.) Orie: WOW. Where is the rest of goddamn Licht Kreis!? Lex: They’re all on vacation. Orie: On vacation!? During the biggest Hollow Night of the year!? Lex: We don’t... We don’t, uh, plan our schedules very far ahead. Orie: We’ve had 11 months since arriving in Japan to prepare for this! Lex: These are all reasonable points.

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Lex: …And keep collateral damage to a minimum. Wagner: Why are you pointing at me?

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Orie: Ma’am, if I may, what if we used Lex’s memory-wiping gun? Lex: I never built a memory-wiping gun! Lex: I think I’d remember building something like that.

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Chaos: In my paper, I use an extension of the divisor function over the Gaussian integers to generalize the so-called "friendly numbers" into the complex plane. Lex: Hold on. Is this paper simply a giant build-up to an “imaginary friends” pun? Chaos: Chaos: It might not be. Lex: I’m sorry, we’re revoking your math license.

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Lex: This... is a bucket. Mika: Dear god... Lex: There’s more. Mika: No...

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Mika: Welcome to a meeting! I’m almost out of words so I’ll just keep this short. Just wanna touch bases. First, a few updates. We’ve learned from the state police that the self-driving car project we launched by accident during this morning’s carpool has come to an end about 90 miles outside of town. Very exciting! Profits are up. Sales, any luck figuring out who our customers are? Lex: Nope. Money keeps appearing, but we have no idea how or why. Mika: Great! Oh, and one last thing- I saw a cool red beetle in the hall. Can someone add it to the bug tracker? Orie: Just did. Mika: Thanks!

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Lex: It was the best of times for Paradox, it was the worst of times for our intrepid band of Executors. Their latest plans are in disarray. A bizarre series of improvisations has led to Mika’s imprisonment, Orie’s enslavement, and Wagner’s mysterious disappearance in the bowels of an In-Birth torturing dungeon. In a world gone mad, what will happen next? What possible plan could get them out of this? What- Silvaria: ...Are you doing with that sock puppet? Lex: Lex: I got bored waiting for all of you to arrive.