#lettertoabuser

[thisismyghost-blog]

letter to my rapist

You did everything you could to convince me I was a fool and that you were the smartest person in every room.  You even convinced me I was somehow a bad person who deserved constant punishment and that you were a selfless saint. It turns out we were both selfless, only I turned outward sending my energy to other souls- While you, You turned inward, sucking in all the energy from those around you like a black hole.  You had me convinced that I could learn from you because you were confident and commanding while embodying all the values I seek. I thought my depression and timidity was a sign of weakness and that your arrogance and self obsession gave you strength. Now I see you were only impersonating me. I have nothing to learn from you but everything to see.  You are the darkness of the cold void which lends a background for anything truly luminous to show.

 You said I should be honored that you wanted me to write your speeches but now I write my own speech. You were playacting me the entire time, I already wrote you several speeches you played back to me inside out. You convinced me to worship you and to lock my soul in a punishing dungeon while you had your ways with me. No- you have no more power here. Nothing you say can hurt me. You promised me we would change the world together, we would make each other smarter and stronger and I would be your helpmate in the background while you gave inspirational speeches to thousands in a crowd and raised money for orphans.... What you gave me instead was so much better. You murdered my ego, blotted out the sun in my sky and put blinders on me to my value or possible connection to other human beings. You made me feel ashamed and for a while I hid. I hid myself away, while thinking in some way you were still better than me because everyone seemed to believe your attributes were more worthy of admiration and I was ignorable or mockable.

 You wrapped me in a cold tomb which I transformed into my warm cocoon. That’s the type of power I have and the failure than you will never cease to be.

You killed me and gave me the night... you sucked me into your blackened void and made it possible for me to see all the stars with no obfuscation. I died the ugly whore you broke and am reborn as the Angel you make yourself out to be.  I am empowered by the aggression you poured into me.  I was rebuilt impenetrable by all your insults and rendered impervious by all the bites you took from my flesh. I am impossible to deceive because of every moment you twisted everything against me.

 I am all you want to be…. and more than you can conceive.

 What you thought made me vulnerable actually lends me immortality. I cared so much what other people think, I was willing to sacrifice myself because I valued your happiness and the wellbeing of those you claimed to help.

 You value only admiration and submission in your present moment. If you aren’t receiving admiration from many people or lose your charm and supply of energy from others you will sit with your emptiness. As I lay in the gutter while people calling me a whore, a liar, a drama queen, I have never been so full in my life.  I not only have connected with my son in a way I never saw possible but finally feel reconnected with my father for the first time in over a decade since he passed away. You, I will never forgive. But after you I am only able to forgive when I look on any wrong done by people who love me. I have infinite peace. People like you should never be forgiven or forgotten because you don’t have the capacity to be a human being. You should only be alone, you should only ever be allowed to interact with others in an environment where you are always exposed for what you are. A dangerous hologram, a sirene song.

 When your body dies you will be dead and anything you cared about will cease to exist because you were all that mattered to yourself. When my body dies- I will live on in every person I connected with and nurtured some aspect of their soul into blossoming.  You fool many but you are more alone than alone because you are so turned inwards that you have become a vacuum. A pretty, snake tongued vacuum. You have no power here, in taking all of mine from me you gave me all of yours. I am the brilliant shining light of love you hold up for a mask and I have learned to give my own speech. You wish you were me… I would say I hope this makes you feel bad to be seen, or that I pity your endless painted empty gilded misery because you don’t even know what you are missing and maybe you never had a chance, but- I am indifferent.  Like you made me feel when you ignored me or talked over me or pretended to not see the pain you caused me- I am indifferent to you now but you were obsessed with finding ways to get a reaction out of me. You invested hours hacking into and watching my phone, you even spied on my family and friends. You learned everything about every inch of my soul and studied what made me tick like a watchmaker.

You joked about being a vampire who liked my taste when you forced hickies on me for others to see, yet again telling the truth inside out poetically, once again showing me the beauty of my poetry. You were empty and my blood was sweet.  I will never thank you but I am grateful for you murdering me.  If you hadn’t I never may have discovered my immortality.  If you took responsibility and didnt request your charges to be reduced to a misdemeanor I may never have been forced to choose between giving up and walking into the flames where I found my voice and my dragon flesh. You are literally nothing. You are a painted shell. You wish you were me.

Your cleverness to point at my stupidity only sharpened me. Your ambition to conquer only motivated me. You turned everything so upside down that you set me right side up and now you are the one on the floor and I hold the cold stare of contempt.  You will never beg or cry or bleed like my heart does but you already have a worse fate to suffer than anything you did to me. You don’t have the capacity to feel the joy I feel, to experience the end of aloneness in the awe-filled connection with another’s consciousness, to enjoy the warmth of another person loving you and not becoming a servant to your persona.   You can mime almost any human behavior but you are locked into the same experience. You may travel the world charming crowds and learning them inside and out but you will still only have lived one empty meaningless life. You will only experience the world as a first person video game and never truly live. How can I be angry at you? I am angry at anything that enables people like you, but I am not angry or scared of you.  You no longer mean anything to me. As you thought you were using me for self-gratification the results turned you into simply the means to an end for me- how I learned to tear off your mask and write my speech.

Nothing you can possibly contrive will ever again make me feel shame or win my admiration or submission. So don’t let your ugly designer shirt get snagged on your way out the door.