#lettersneversent

[alettertomom]

Dear mom,

I hate you. i really do. I'm sorry i wish i was a great daughter that you expected me to be but the one that i never could be. All i thought once was that you are being harsh to protect me from the demons of myself but i think it's you only who made me meet my demons and go throught a shit Ton of crap just because you aren't the one understanding me.

I know i suck. i did things that i shouldn't have and i think that wasn't a much of a deal but that only happened when it felt like you're being distant and i thought I'm not worthy of love which you still make me think and i strongly believe. The day i got my first period, i knew nothing about it. I wished to get some support from you when i told you but what i got was a slap. Why? because i couldn't be the perfect daughter you imagined me to be? and that i didn't try?

I sometimes wished i was dead and had not to deal with this but you're already crushing me inside and never trying to understand what i say and what i do. You can bare to see your daughter being happy so you accuse her of having fake friends and telling lies. Even if someday I've had a great day you'll ruin it with all you have because you can't see my being me...which i guess i lost somewhere around this path. I wish i could thankyou but you really give me a hard time. You don't know what your daughter is going through and you never will. Maybe this little girl in me found peace while being with him but that didn't matter to you so you ripped this soul apart.

Maybe you tried everything. But I'm trying too. it's a hell lot of difficult for me to bring myself back which i guess you won't ever see again. You'll never know about how i struggle with breathing and anxiety attacks and I'll never let you know. It's suffocating in here and i have no one to hold me tight when i need them to not even you. i can't even think that someday I'll running to you to get peace. Now that's us. I wish you could be a little more considerate which you clearly arent and if you were maybe i wouldn't have ended up disappointing you.

-anonymous-

[meoinks]

nobody knows what it takes to be you

#lettersneversent #thoughts

[mestisang-cavitena]

someone i can love and who can love me genuinely but not an ideal situation.

crap

[kayechiao]

Posted this on my VSCO Account last year.

to my favorite purest person in this world,

i like how you exist: simply. gently. beautifully.

i see you: the good in you, the beauty and the pain.

and i want all the people around you, see it too.

i see you for who you are: i see your heart, i see your soul, i see you try and thats enough.

i want to tell you that i appreciate you but im no longer the right person to remind you everyday that everything you do is beautiful. everything. and you just dont see it yourself.

Just.. just know that no matter how painful things are, it will all be in the past soon. So, keep trying. keep going. keep healing :)))

I love you, my love. Be happy.

[wordsandpoemsposts]

Do not tell me you love me if your love is attached to bloody lips and green bruises.

Do not tell me you love me if the late night sloppy I love yous are in a mental imagery of another.

Do not tell me you love me if the only reason you lay with me is due too the numbness of lonely carving a darker hole where your happy was.

Do not tell me you love me if it is conditioned.

Do not tell me you love me if everytime I look into the mirror and question my worth because you don't know mine.

Do not tell me you love me if I'm going to flinch everytime after you leave.

Do not tell me you love me unless you know what love is.

[the-woman-in-a-dream]

"I wish I could be brave and tell you that I love you, and that I care about you so much.

I wish I could overcome my fear and tell you that despite the fact I am afraid, I still choose to love you everyday anyway.

I wish I could be vulnerable."

(an excerpt from a letter to My Love, never sent)

[mad-girl-ramblings]

-MadGirlRamblings

[lettersneversent]

Dear E

Oh, you thought I was stupid enough to fall in love with you?

Well you were right.

I fell harder than an angel falls on the rock solid earth.

Your smile shattered my entire being and your face makes me feel like my stomach is exploding with confetti.

There are a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t feel this way. There are many reasons why you wouldn’t even turn to look in my direction. There are so many reasons why I am trying to forget you.

Still, I can’t help but see you in every person that slightly resembles you. I can’t help but wanting to pursue you. I can’t help but wanting to hold you close and comfort you whenever you’re feeling down.

I am very stupid for this, but you are the one person I would do anything for. Except speak to you, of course.

But who cares? I was born stupid for a reason.

Have you heard of that yearning for something makes you happier than when you actually have it?

I don’t want that to be you. I’ll keep yearning for you so that I never get disappointed by what I may find when I get closer.

I will sit back and imagine everything about you rather than have my feelings be shattered.

N

[undersiriussomeday]

The first kiss

Jean,

You with that beautiful curly hair, you sure look a little like Taylor Swift. You never needed to tell me I was your first heartbreak, but I knew. This is not going to be an apology, Jean. This is me owning up to everything and no matter how truly sorry I am 12 years later, I’m still him, the smart guy who you loved with all the love people in their youth could give, smart enough to know that I screwed up big time. It must’ve felt terrible when you found out, Jean. I cheated on you with your cousin, ON PURPOSE. Imagine a sixth grader cheating on his older girlfriend for a girl in his class, whom apparently was his girlfriend’s cousin. Fucked-up as hell. There is no excuse, I know. No number of I’m sorry’s would ever suffice. I lost my father in fifth grade and my mother left at sixth grade. I never felt so unloved in my entire life. But you loved me, Jean. You wrote me letters and sang me songs. You kissed me on the ancient bleachers behind the library. That was my first. I wish I told you how careful I’ve been with my lips after that kiss. I didn’t was my mouth until I was forced to before bedtime. I kept thinking about that kiss the entire day. It consumed me. I was happy. Thank you, Jean. I hope you’re kissing better people now.

[iknewyoudlinger]

I’ll find comfort in knowing that you’re there. I’ll find comfort in seeing that you’re at work and you’re busy. And maybe i’d watch you a little too much from a screen, i’d watch as the the red circle turns into yellow which means you’re having lunch or you’ve signed out from work. And that’d be the only thing that i’ll know about your day. I’d know that you had a rough day because it’s past 10pm and you’re still busy on Teams. I’d know that you’re tired and i’d hope that you’ll get a good night sleep, hope that she lights up your night before you go to bed. That’s all i’ll ever know about you everyday, and that’ll be enough. It’ll only be until the end of the year because i’ll have to go and figure out what I want to do. But while i’m here, i’ll watch your life from afar, even if it only meant that i’ll know if you showed up at work. That’s enough, albeit sometimes i might wish that I could wrap my arms around you when you’re having a grueling day. I might wish that we could eat lunch together and you’d drop me off to my office and i’d kiss you off. I might wish that it was me you’d talk to, and rant to about how toxic this profession is because i’d listen to you, i’ll never get tired of listening to you, and i’d lock you in the tightest hug i could possibly give just to make you feel better. But it’s fine. This will suffice. I choose to love you from afar. I choose to just love you. And you don’t even have to know. I will just keep on loving you. And for the next years, i’ll try to find a way to watch you from a distance. But for now, this is enough....

3/27/20 1:48 am

[jncandido]

On Dealing with uncertainty and scars

Pain. Noun. Physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.

From a vehicular accident on the early month of the year, to this kind of pain. I always thought I knew what it was until I was going through this phase of my life. I woke up one day with my heart feeling heavy than usual. Thought that maybe it was part of the “stuck-syndrome” caused by the Covid Quarantine. Just maybe. But as the days passed by, it felt heavier, I, myself could not explain. There were these sudden attacks if not headache, I feel the numbness of my body, feeling tired always, heart’s skipping a beat or beats faster than the normal ones.

That is when I knew that something was wrong. The physical pain I know, I am for sure I can describe with all my knowledge, is nothing with the pain that I feel emotionally. Sometimes it’s here, times that it goes away. I had three attacks that is more likely called panic attacks or even worse than that. Day by day, when I wished that what I feel gets better, it kept on getting worse.

Family is all worried, work is affected. I was a damsel in distress. The things that makes me happy no longer serves it’s purpose. I was getting tired of everything. It was like the things that I do are all routinary and I’m no longer in no purpose of anyone. I felt that social media sucks because everyone was happy except me. I didn’t want to listen to songs that I loved, anymore. I am hungry but not hungry enough to eat well. And if you know me, you know I’d eat my breakfast three times in the morning. This is just not me. I always find silence comforting. People scared me, the most.

And this is the first time, writing it, acknowledging the things that was constant to me the past days, trying to seek the freedom from pain of overthinking and anxiety. I almost feel that this isn’t me because happiness was no longer in my system. The back to back doctor’s check up didn’t work. No medicine did well on my body. My prayers were silenced, I tell myself.

Few hours ago, I woke up crying, not really knowing why. Went up to my cardiologist again to consult what’s really wrong. He himself have no definite answer. Went home wanting to cry again but for no reason. Have you ever felt this way? Because I wish you never did or you never will. I wish my friends, or a family member who’ll be able to read this will never experience the way I am going through right now.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it because I might breakdown. And I thought that it will just pass by. Maybe it went away for a while. But it really didn’t, leave. It came back for me, to scar me. And I don’t want anyone seeing me in that way. I was never ready to be seen weak.

And having to understand the reasons why I am in this season is maybe because I have been neglecting the pain I felt the past months, or even years. The pain of not being the number one, but only the second best “pag wala nay lain”. The pain of being having to be strong always because I had no one else but myself to go to. The pain of trying to impress every person that I loved because they might not stay if I don’t do well. And the pain of always having to the "hindi pinipili, dinadaanan lang."

And this is me now, all vulnerable and broken. Shattered. Weak. Sensitive. Lost. Uncertain of what tomorrow might bring. The girl who takes in dozes of medicine just to sleep soundly at night, just to keep her heart strong enough for the next day. The girl who’ll still smile even with tears from her eyes.

I just hope that people will always remember to be kind to others even on their words.  Because you’ll never know the struggles of each person you are encountering to, everyday. You might not give them any damn, but you do for them.

And I hope it doesn’t stay this way. I pray that my tomorrows will be better than my yesterdays. I hope you will too. While I am battling with this pain, I am praying for everyone’s happiness too. Even in fear, I am still excited for the next days to come.

Beep me up. We got this.  

Reminding myself of the verse; 1 Peter 5:7

“Cast all of your anxieties on Him because He cares for you.”

[samantha-kniskern]

A letter to the father that I had to let go, s.k.

[velvet-carnation]

Holding on

And that’s it.

I’ve been holding on. Holding onto memories, portrayed in pictures and videos. Holding onto the words you spoke to me as a poet. To the feelings, to the time you’ve given me. Yet, the only thing I can hold onto, that connected us by something beyond words or love, is the only playlist you ever shared with me.

You used to say that you listen to it on the days you feel low and sad. Those days where you just lie on the floor, looking at the ceiling, as your lights flash in colors of green and red. The nights you feel so lonely in this world, you smoked. Those nights where, after months, you would text me.

And oh, I wish it was just some other playlist. But in the end, it never is, right? Music was always our bridge, what we shared many times had significance and well, I guess the songs you’ve so carefully chosen show a part of who you are. It’s my way to hear you speak once again, it’s a way to remember I still have something with me, that is also a part of you.

I’ve burned all the bridges that led me to you, yet I’ll still swim through the ravaging sea, if I know you’ll be waiting on the other side. Some people search for true love all their lives, some don’t even find it at all, yet I was lucky enough to find you.

I rather spend the rest of my life alone, than with anyone but you. I’ll just let my heart keep holding on...

Always yours,

“Dork”.

Ps: I should’ve said yes when you asked me if I wanted the spider repellant, they keep showing up in my room. And I should’ve asked you for the black earrings as well, I keep losing mine.  🌻

[mrthbordin]

I want your Monday morning sleep soaked eyes dream drenched voice, lazy bones ‘five more minutes please babe.’ I want your Tuesday afternoon coffee break, glasses off, laughter on ‘just hold me for a while it’s been a hard day.’ I want your Wednesday evening fingers through hair teeth nibbling nails neck craning, eye glazing ‘this paperwork never ends’ I want your Thursday night drinks for two bones unbind muscles let loose flats, slacks, ‘just me and you’ I want your finally Friday stretch soul smile, sun sipping light from the glaciers in your eyes fingers unfurl, hand extends ‘c’mon babe, lets go wild’ I want your weekend. your movie marathon Saturday wine by the fireplace kissing in the blankets I want your Sunday morning orange juice and pancakes white sheets, tender skin hair like extended holidays ‘let’s not get out of bed today.’ I want your ordinary and your stress, rest, release I want your bad day and that terrible night I want you drunk in my arms forgetting the place but never my name I want your lazy and your lonely and your fist full of fight I want you everyday in every way for the rest of my life ... 📖✒️❣️#words #poetry #lettersneversent #thoughts #love #desire #life #wishlist #thoughts #gluedtoyou #fornow #fortoday #wondering #mrthbordin #mah #bordin

[wordsandpoemsposts]

There isn't any poetic way to say it. Your laugh lights up the room and all that other bullshit.

[lettersneversent-blog]

Dear

I’ll probably never send this to you, unless I get brave. I can see myself now, in my thirties, with a life I’ve carefully carved out for myself, walking towards the postbox with trembling fingers. 

The address on the envelope is probably your work address. We’ve inevitably lost contact. I say inevitable because right here, right now, it’s been about eight months since we really lost touch. You know, actually sat down and had a conversation that didn't feel strained. 

Of course I’m posting this. In a big, brown envelope to add to the romance. You always saw yourself as a character in a book and I guess that would just add to the aesthetic. So, thirty year old you, today’s your lucky day. Go ahead. Romanticise the hell out of this.

  I opened myself up to you. I offered myself, just how I was. I promised I would be there, just by existing. I didn’t think I needed words, or silly, staged Instagram posts to prove that.   But somehow it wasn’t enough.You willed me invisible.    I was not the right person to hold you up. You didn’t want me standing by your side. But my arms were strong enough to hold your weight and I was at your elbow, always, even when you looked the other way.   But you cried and cried and said you were alone even though we both lay, shaking in adjacent rooms.   Maybe your own tears blinded you to who was around you. You didn’t know you had invisible crutches, or maybe you just wanted us to seem that way. We didn’t go with your theme. We didn’t fit the cookie cutter ‘girlfriend’ mould, so you threw us on the reject pile instead.   You wanted support but you weren’t willing to give it back when we needed it most. While you shut yourself up in your room, the rest of us spiralled into the depths of despair, lost the ones we loved, struggled to get out of bed.   We could have burnt with you but you wanted to burn alone, so you could burn brighter. Isn’t that right? You wanted to be like the girls hanging out of their tower rooms, or trapped behind a forest of thorns, waiting for your Prince to come riding up on his horse.   But we had already unlocked the door and chopped down the thorns, even though we had our own dragons to fight. 

The truth is, Dear, we’re all still fighting them. 

Love