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1-have-no-idea · 2 months ago

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But hate is so close to love

(Image not mine :))

authors note: this is the fic I’ve been talking about! Finally something long! Let me know what y’all think, this is my first time ever writing something really ‘long’, apologies for the wonky spacing, kinda rushed-

Character(s): Maul, fem! reader

Genre: angst, romantic, comfort

Overview: you, being a civilian that Maul originally took with him to be an ‘example’, aka, killing you, but at the last second, takes interest in you because he can use you. You made a wonderful slave. But slave’s aren’t supposed to forgive their captor, much less love them. Sith couldn’t love. Maul couldn’t love. He couldn’t care less about you. So why did it scare him so much that one day, you’d realize how bad he was for you and leave him?

Warning(s): death, mentions of torture, starvation, dehydration, cruelty, fear, bleeding heart reader, slavery, slight age-gap (reader is implied to be somewhere in her early twenties, Maul is around mid-thirties), corruption, Stockholm syndrome (?), violence, panic attacks, abandonment, manipulation (?), degradation

6519 words

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The dust under you was smearing your pants a rust-brown. You felt a bead of sweat on your temple slowly run down your face, the faint heat of a lightsaber near your face. It burnt your skin, felt as if you were on the planet of Tatooine in the middle of the day. An understatement of a testament of how scorching it really was if it made contact with your flesh. You kept your eyes trained on the saber, the one casting a red glow upon your face. The one wielding the lightsaber was none other than one of the most infamous Nightbrother’s, Darth Maul himself. His face held no emotion other than dispassion as he held the lightsaber close to your face, fiery yellow eyes boring into your own.

Oh, you knew this was a bad idea! You should’ve never hijacked that ship, should’ve stayed at home and not have letten your curiosity take over you! ‘Curiosity killed the loth cat’ wasn’t just a saying, you realized. You just wanted to get off your own planet and explore a new one, that was all! But of course you just happened to crash into one of the most godforsaken ones, Dathomir. Everyone warned you of the planet. Apparently, the dark side of the force resided there strongly, and the residents who lived there were… not exactly the most welcoming. And guess what? Young and dumb you left your own planet out of curiosity, and now young and dumb you were going to be beheaded while down on your knees from a powerful Sith everyone feared. You didn’t know whether to start sobbing and begging for your life, or maybe in the heat of the moment, you could roll away and make a run for it.

…No, you knew that both of those would be futile. Maul could sense your fear, your anxiety. Could see it in those doe eyes peering up at him nervously. He almost pitied how pathetic you looked, but honestly, he couldn’t care less. It irritated him how weak and soft you looked. Didn’t you know Dathomir was filled with ruthless savages who wouldn’t think twice about taking advantage of a dumb thing like you? Obviously not. You seemed a bit airheaded to him.

“You’re a daft one, aren’t you?” The tattooed Dathomirian crooned down at you, cocking his head to the side slightly. Excuse him? He then sighed, raising his lightsaber, holding it taut and ready to strike at you without any mercy. Immediately, a choked gasp left you, and your eyes widened in horror, before, without thinking, you flung yourself onto the dust-covered ground before him. Bowing now. Like you were kneeling at an altar, your hands moving into a pleading position. How pathetic.

“Wait, w-wait-!” You stammered, lifting your eyes to look up at him from your place on the ground. “Please don’t kill me, I’ll do anything!” Wow, didn’t that come out desperate? This was cliche. “I- I know that sounds super desperate and cliche, but honestly, I don’t really care–” bold for someone who was face to face with a Sith. “You can just take me in, and I’ll- I dunno- I can, uhm, I can-” a click of his tongue was your breaking point, and just before he could bring down his weapon and plunge it into you, you flinched and shut your eyes tightly in fear. “I’ll be your slave-!” You cried out desperately, bracing yourself for the hot pain to tear through your flesh, but it never came. Your heart was banging against your ribcage, and cold sweat dripped down your body, eyes clenched so tightly you started to feel a tad lightheaded. Then, a marred hand came down and rooted itself in your hair, before tugging you up so you were back sitting up straight. A small yelp left you at the action.

“...Look at me, girl. Open your eyes.” Maul demanded, and you complied, opening your eyes to stare at him warily. The Sith regarded you intensely, sizing you up, a hint of interest present on his stone cold face. “My slave? For your life, in return, you’d agree to be my slave? A slave to a Sith?” He sneered, tone almost sardonic. Like he found the idea funny. In all honesty, being a slave to a Sith was worse than death. Regardless, however, you bobbed your head up and down, swallowing down your fear and nervousness. “Yes sir,” you agreed in a shaky murmur. He looked you up and down once more, before a twisted grin of cruelness split on his lips. “I believe that can be arranged.” He droned, before tugging you up on your feet by your hair.

The good thing was that you escaped partially unscathed with your life. The bad thing? Your life was in the hands of Darth Maul himself, and he didn’t come with the title ‘gentle.’ And you were a fragile little thing.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Your hands were worked raw at this point. Your body aches everywhere, and you haven't slept a wink ever since Maul took you in. He was high maintenance. Your tasks were to fix his ship whenever he spotted something wrong with it, to clean every nook and cranny inside of it too, he wanted you to take apart his lightsaber, clean it, and then piece it back together. With no safety gear, mind you. The tasks were dangerous as they were tedious and difficult. But you knew better than to complain. You wouldn’t. If this was your life from now on, then so be it.

He didn’t really talk to you. Not unless it was about your chores. “Have you finished the floors, pet?” He’d ask, giving you a condescending smile. And you’d nod, and straighten your back, and it’d give a small pop. “Good. Now, do the windows, I need you to make the beds and sweep, and do not forget to make the bunks and clean all the rooms.” He’d remind you, despite it being the unholy hours of the morning and you’ve been awake the entire day and night before.

Weeks passed, and weeks turned into months with him. You had gotten used to barely getting any sleep, you were used to not eating that much, not needing him to tell you what he wanted and when he wanted it. You had completely memorized everything.

As of late, however, your tasks have become well… more, domestic. Maul had entrusted you with cooking his meals, with his eyes on you of course, just so you didn’t try to sneak anything in it, you started to wash his robes, he liked when you filed his nails and his horns from time to time. It confused you, why your tasks were getting easier and less harsh each day. It was as if he was… giving you a break, for your weary body. But then he started to feed you, too. Allowed you to eat and sleep, to regain your nutrition. A part of you thought that maybe it was a trick, to give you a false sense of security. But another part, a more trusting and altruistic part, believed that maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t all that of a sadistic Sith that most people believed him to be. You knew that was just your heart talking, not your mind. He didn’t care. Not one bit.

And that’s when you started to realize. This Sith, this Nightbrother, Darth Maul, was starting to lower his guard around you. It made sense, really. You weren’t a Separatist or one of the Republic. Just a citizen. A mere stranger on the side-lines. You posed no threat. That’s why you were here currently, his hand in yours as you delicately held his fingers while filing down his nails. Sharp, how he liked them, but short. He insisted that when he grew his nails out, although it was beneficial, he didn’t like the grime that collected underneath. He sat on his throne, legs spread, one bent at the knee with his foot on the seat, and the other down on the floor. His eyes were downcast, flickering across the words in his book. You were sat next to the arm of his chair, only sometimes glancing up to look up at him or peeking at his book. His expression was soft, softer than it ever really was. He always had that look while reading. Where the scrunch of his nose smoothed out, the way the corners of his lips that were usually naturally tugged down evened out into a soft line, and his eyes were less clouded over.

“It’s rude to stare, pet.” Oh. Immediately, you snapped out of your daze, clearing your throat. “Sorry.” You mumbled, eyes falling back down to his nails. He didn’t look up at you when he said that, still reading, but once you looked back down, his eyes slowly fixed on you. A soft huff left from his nostrils, and he looked to where your small hands were on his. Your soft palm against his rough one, the way you held his fingers so gently. It made him sick. Like he wanted to curl away from you. But it also made him want to relax. He then resumed to look back at his book, but not before posing a question. “...would you like to know what I am reading, girl?” He asked softly. He always was soft-spoken towards you. At least, nowadays. Scaring you and putting fear in you became less entertaining for him. You hummed and stared up at him quizzically, before nodding shyly. As if you were flustered at his offer. Another huff. “I am reading poetry. I find it most interesting… I enjoy how it is like a puzzle. Something to figure out. Yet, the feeling is expressed so vividly and clearly. It is just so easily looked over sometimes.” He explained in a quiet voice. You were surprised at how open and attentive he was to the book, and how pleased he seemed to be to share it with you.

The life of a Sith was as dangerous as it was evil. The one thing that people never mentioned about taking that path, however, was how lonely it was.

“You like poetry, Maul?” You questioned, tilting your head a little while he blew on his fingers to rid of the dust that was his keratin. He gave a small hum of agreement. “I do. Very much so.” He affirmed. And then you gave him a faint smile, a quirk of your lips, and in return, his expression turned a little wary. “Me too,” you admitted. That made Maul relax once more. It was silent for a moment, before he spoke up. “If you would like, I could read out loud to you.” He offered. That made you pause, a look of surprise growing on your face, before you nodded, giving him another smile.

“Yes, please.”

When he opened his mouth and started reading out loud, you tried to focus on his words, you really did, but you couldn’t help but be distracted, watching how his lips moved to form his words, how his voice was so smooth. He was softer. He was less violent towards you. He was reading to you. The way your heartbeat quickened is where you started to slowly become more aware of your thoughts. And also became aware of what was happening.

No. No, that couldn’t be, he was your captor! You should hate him! …So why did you feel so safe with him? Why did he make you smile? Why did he make you care? You shouldn’t care for him, not when he almost took your life. But he didn’t, your heart cried out. He’s lonely, your heart defended. There’s a reason for that, your mind retorted. He’s a Sith. Sith can’t love. He can’t love. So your heart and your mind were at war with each other, and you yourself were gazing at Maul in uncertainty. In the end, your heart won. He can be good. I know he can.

You couldn’t fix him, no. But you could at least try to be there for him.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Today, Maul came back to the temple tense. There were multiple lines on his forehead from frowning, his breathing was coming out in harsh huffs, and his lips were twisted into a nasty frown. He was muttering under his breath, words quick and indecipherable. He was rambling incoherently under his breath, before collapsing on his throne, one hand moved to his head, fingers moving to grip ahold of one of his horns, while the other slid down to cup at his jaw, before holding the side of his neck. He was hunched over, slightly rocking back and forth in his chair.

You exited your chambers to greet him when you heard him come back, but seeing him break down like this made your heart fall to your stomach. “Maul-?” You called out in concern, padding to his side quickly, brows furrowed in concern and eyes showing nothing but care and worry. “What’s wrong-?” You tried asking, but he just continued to whisper under his breath. He looked like he couldn’t even see you. Slowly, in confusion, you sank down into a crouch. “...Maul?”

When he didn’t answer, you carefully reached out a hand to him. Your finger brushed against his wrist. Brushing against his wrist gently, a feather-light touch. Barely, but that’s all he needed. Like a spider when it feels that single movement in its web, he lunged forwards to you, shoving you off balance.

You yelped in shock, being shoved off balance and almost tumbling backwards, before feeling your throat tighten. Your air was being cut off, and there seemed to be some invisible pressure around your neck that lifted you off your feet to where you hovered above the ground. You let out a strangled cry of his name, hands moving to claw at your throat despite nothing being there. He walked toward you, and each step he took, you were pushed backwards by the force, his lips twisted into a snarl, teeth bared and right hand extended with his palm facing towards you. He growled at you, a guttural sound, and it sounded so pained. He looked at you as if he didn’t know you. Your lips trembled, and you felt yourself getting lightheaded. “Maul—” you gasped out.

“You’re– ack– you’re hurting me—”

And just like that, all that fear and hate and anger left his eyes, leaving a confused awareness. His arm dropped, and he took a shuddering breath as he fell to the floor, choking and gasping for air, gulping it down greedily. Your hand moved to gently prod at your throat that felt bruised now, eyes moving to look up at him in a fearful and confused question. A hint of regret and shame flickered in yellow orbs, but as quickly as it was put there, it left. A frustrated shout left him, and he whipped away from you, fleeing the temple quickly, leaving you alone on the floor confused and hurt.

Questions flooded your mind. The most prominent one being why? Why would he do that? Why’d that happen? Why’d he leave? Or, what, happened?

Maul himself had to leave the temple. Move outside and just take a walk, kicking up the sand beneath his boots. That simple brush of your fingertips to his wrist made him want to hide. And when he didn’t want to hide, he wanted to bite. Words could not explain how when you made contact with his skin, it burned. Made him recoil away from you, but Sith do not recoil and curl away, no, they fight. So that’s exactly what he did.

It was encouraged, you should’ve known your place and never decided to get close to him in the first place, it was your fault. You were nothing but his slave, that was it. …So why did he feel bad? Why did he have that sudden sting in not one, but all three of his hearts? He was growing too soft. That was the problem. He was actually starting to relax around you.

Maul gritted his teeth in anger, head shaking in disbelief. This was all a part of your plan, wasn’t it? You were tricking him– yes, that was it! You were trying to trick him to lower his guard around you, so you could take advantage of him! That was the only reason. That made the Zabrak let out a deep sigh of relief. Yes, that was it. You were a small, dumb thing, but Maul had to applaud you for being so bold and more cunning than he gave you credit for.

…Yet, at the same time, he had entrusted you with cooking for him, even going as far to not watch you. If you had planned to escape him, wouldn’t you have tried to poison him the moment he took his gaze off you? Maybe kill him in his sleep? You could’ve impaled him whenever you desired while filing his horns, but you never did. You weren’t malicious, not one bit. Not even violent. Maul almost thought that maybe you were incapable of feeling such things as hatred or anger. You couldn’t harm a fly. Literally. He’s witnessed it. Despite flinching and almost running away when you first saw it, it didn’t stop you from running around in the temple trying to catch it inside your cupped hands before releasing it outside. The entire time, he had watched with a slightly baffled expression, eyes wide and brow ridges furrowed, once quirked up with parted lips.

He spared you from the fact that the minute you released the small insect outside and walked away from the window it got eaten by a small reptile. He’d hate for you to be whining about it, he could imagine how much of a nuisance that’d be.

Or maybe he was sparing himself the fact that he didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to be upset about it.

That made Maul freeze where he was sitting atop of a small boulder, eyes widening. He couldn’t deny that he enjoyed having your presence around. He enjoyed you. He liked how you would let him read to you, how you would cater to him so gently, how you were softening around him. You were making him feel something.

You made him feel less of a burden on his shoulders. Released some of that darkness inside of him. You made him feel warm, soft. And Maul, oh, he hated that. He hated the way you made him feel. Maybe it was just temporary, though. It would pass, surely.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

When Maul got home that night, he was quiet. He ignored you for the first couple of hours, not sure how to interact with you after his actions. You would glance at him in concern, not fear. You were worried, he could see that. He hated how you didn’t look at him in fear like how you should, he just strangled you! It annoyed him, made him feel that same weird pang in his chest, but he didn’t say anything. Neither did you, not wanting to set him off again. That silence lasted until when you were about to retire into your chambers. Before you could, though, Maul called after you.

“Pet.”

Your head perked up and you looked over to him, a small nervous look on your face which made him want to grimace. He pointed to the space in front of him, looking at you expectantly. “Come here.” He demanded. Tentatively, you approached him, until you stood in front of him while he sat. The Nightbrother made a soft grunt, before beckoning you even more down. “Kneel. I do not bite.” He said in a tone of annoyance. Liar.

However, you cooperated, moving down on one knee so you were looking up at him, his knees on either side of your face. With a curled finger, he made you sit up slightly, before leaning down so he was face to face with you. His eyes flickered down to your throat, seeing the slight bruising there and redness of where all the pressure had been. Then, silently, he reached inside of his robes and pulled out a thick plant, (that he collected on his way back to the temple), breaking it in half while keeping his eyes on your neck. A slimy string connected the two broken halves, but Maul made no movement to swipe it up. Instead, with the tip of his finger, his claw poking into the supple and sensitive flesh of your throat, he tilted your face up so your throat was bared to him. He peeled the plant of its skin, only the clear and slimy flesh left, before scraping the gooey slick off it, and picking it up. It dripped from his hands, and he placed the cool slimy gel on the bruises. It was wet, and kissed your skin, dribbling down and sending a shudder down your spine from the coolness. Once he was done applying it, he looked at his now slimy and sticky hands distastefully, and wiped them on his pants legs. But then he pulled his lightsaber out, igniting it. Immediately, you flinched backwards, brows knitting together, but Maul stopped with you by placing a firm hand on your shoulder.

“Calm yourself, star,” oh, that was a new one. You couldn’t help the way it made your heart flutter. You wondered why he decided to call you that. “I have no intention of killing you. I would’ve done so already if I did.” He reassured, if you can even call it that, just letting the lightsaber hover near your skin so the heat of the saber could warm the area. “Oh.” You relaxed, breath evening out. “Heat helps get rid of bruises.” He explained, and you nodded. He was taking care of you, you realized. It was a silent apology. A way to make up for it.

Was it bad that it made you love him even more?

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

The next couple of weeks passed by quickly. You were growing bolder each day. Maul soon came to the realization that if he got you talking, you’d never shut up. You were treating him like a friend. And with the title of friend, comes the affection. In the beginning, you’d be scared about it. Maybe an accidental brush against him, and he would immediately whip towards you, teeth bared and snarling at you. A silent but expressive and aggressive don’t touch me.

You didn’t listen, though. Not to purposefully try him, no, sometimes it really was an accident, and others you just weren’t really thinking about it. Soon, snarls and growls turned into flinches and grimaces, until it turned into tensing, and now, he would just let it happen. He wouldn’t shove you away. He would just glance at where you were touching, and move on with whatever he was doing. That made you happy. He was comfortable around you. And that made you happy. You know what else it made you? Made you feel closer to him even more.

There was no use in hiding how your relationship with the Sith was definitely not fearful like how it was in the beginning, and your feelings definitely weren’t what a ‘slave’ should be feeling. Of course, you were ashamed of it at first, but after realizing he really wasn’t a bad person, and just did many bad things, it made you accept it. He was hurt, and he was angry and hateful. And he was lonely.

In return, it was no secret how Maul was softening up to you too. Allowing your touches, listening to you talk, he even smiled at you. Multiple times. Not those mean ones either, a genuine smile. Not to mention the couple of more sweet terms of endearment that escaped his lips whenever he really was relaxed and not thinking.

You supposed that’s what led you here, now. It was dark outside, all the close by planets and stars visible from where you and Maul sat. He had found you stargazing, and decided to join you. He didn’t quite understand why you were so enthralled by them when it’s something you see everyday, but you were like that. You just loved life. He almost envied you, because he didn’t understand it.

“I don’t understand why you look up there like it isn’t something you see everyday.” He commented suddenly, making you let out a soft chuckle.

“They’re pretty. I just can’t get enough of it.” You responded with a shrug, and that made an amused hum leave him. “You never fail to confuse me.” He muttered under your breath, and you turned to smile at him. “But ain’t that the nice part? Means you’ll always be surprised by me, and it’s like a big puzzle. You like puzzles, Maul.” He sighed deeply, and shook his head. “I resent you, sometimes.” He said, but it was a lie. He didn’t mean that.

But it made your smile soften, and your heart tighten.

“I love you.”

And those words escaped you before you could stop them. Maul froze, and so did you. You were about to stammer out an excuse, but it was far too late. Maul didn’t look at you, and you couldn’t tell whether he was angry or shocked.

“...You what?” He whispered. You could lie, but there was no point in that. He’s already heard you, and there was no going back now. Swallowing, and clenching your hands, you took a deep breath, before repeating yourself. “I… I love you.” You said in a hushed tone. And he tensed, claws digging into his pants legs. “No, you don’t.” A whisper.

“What-? Yes, I do—”

“No, you don’t.” More firmer this time. Okay, now you weren’t scared, you were just concerned. Why was he denying this? “Maul, I do–”

“No, you don’t!” He finally shouted, standing up and seething at you, shaking his head. “You don’t love me! You don’t, you don’t, you don’t!” He screamed at you in fury, trembling. You looked at him with hurt and disbelief, getting up with him, but as you did, he started to pace away from you back to the temple. “Maul, no! Why-? What do you mean-?” You questioned, not understanding why he was so upset with you as you ran after him. But then, a guttural growl which borderlined a gritted noise of pain escaped his throat, and he turned around and shoved you to the floor, chest heaving. “Do not speak.” He spat out venomously. “I’ve heard enough.”

And that was the last thing he said to you before disappearing from the temple, slamming the doors shut as he left you. You laid there on the floor, bewildered, before standing up on shaky legs and stumbling to open them. “Maul-?” You called out, eyes flickering around to find any sign of where he went, but you found none. “Maul! I- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you!” You cried out, hoping that maybe he’d come back if he heard you. “Please come back!” And yet he never did. The only response you got was some chitters of the nightlife and a small breeze that made you feel even colder.

The next few days, you were left at the temple alone. You’d frequently look back towards the doors whenever you heard the slightest noise from outside, hoping that maybe it was Maul returning just like how he always does, but it was always just the wind or a little critter. You’d wake up early in the mornings to go and check his quarters only to find yourself being disappointed that he didn’t decide to come back the night before, and during the evenings, you’d still cook food for two despite it just being you, and unsure of what to do with the leftovers afterwards, and at night? That was the worst. You would move to sit outside of the temple, on its stairs, waiting for him to come home, or at least, what felt like home. Not anymore. Not without him in it.

This cycle repeated itself over and over again, every day, with no trace of him. At this point, you were starting to actually believe he had… abandoned you. All because you said, ‘I love you?’ You guessed so.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Finally, after days of desertion, he returned. You were overjoyed, bounding up to him and going in for a hug, which he begrudgingly accepted but stayed silent nonetheless. You cooked for the both of you and tended to him eagerly, but the both of you never dared mention your little confession. Thankfully, at least he still accepted your affection. So it wasn’t like you guys had to start back at base one. In brutal honesty, ever since that happened, you felt as if you had to start walking on eggshells whenever around him. Anything could set him off, and you didn’t want that. Not after what you had seen, what he did. You didn’t want that.

Though, you did recognize that ever since he came back, he was more… tender, if you could put it that way. He read to you more often, and invited you to sit with him whenever he sat somewhere. So it wasn’t all that bad. And you started to get more comfortable with him again, and vice versa.

And soon that led to the both of you sleeping in the same bed.

In all honesty, you didn’t know what you guys were. Definitely not just acquaintances, and you definitely weren’t just a slave to him, you were something more, but what? It was quite obvious you were harboring a huge affection for him, with him harboring an affection towards you, but he never brought it up. So neither did you. But, you’d suppose you’d go under the title of lovers, finally. Or, well, partial lovers. He’d still have his moments, and push you away, and sure, it hurt, but you knew not to take it to heart. He was still getting used to it. So, it wasn’t that much of a surprise when he suddenly was faced away from you, the breakfast that you made him, that he asked for shoved away from him, a cold look of disdain on his face.

Oh. Okay.

“Are you not… hungry, anymore?” You asked quietly. The Sith shook his head, lips twisting as he took a deep breath in. “I don’t want it.” He stated. Your fingers curled into your palms nervously and you nodded. “Do you want me to save it just in case you do feel hungry later—?” “Get rid of it. I don’t want it.” He repeated, more firmly this time, hardening his stare to you. Immediately, you grabbed his plate, a small noise of agreement leaving you as you sighed softly. Once you left the room, Maul settled back in the bed, trying to relax, but seeing that disappointed and tired look on your face hurt him. He knew it was hard for you. He knew you didn’t deserve this. Not in the slightest.

Truth be told, Maul knew exactly how he was affecting you. During the night, when you thought you were being quiet and careful of not waking him, he could hear the small sniffles escaping you and the shaking of your shoulders. He saw how your face would fall when you noticed how he was switching up again. He could feel your hurt. And he’s never hated himself more.

Curling in on himself, Maul buried his face into his hands. You didn’t deserve this. You didn’t deserve him. He didn’t deserve you. His hearts tightened, and his hands gripped his sides tightly, claws most likely digging into his tattooed flesh. He didn’t deserve you.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

“Oh, no, hey, hey, hey, Maul…” You called out his name softly, gently pulling him to you and cradling him to your chest as sobs wracked his body. Ugly sobs. He clung to you tightly as he cried. He was definitely having one of his moments. “It’s okay, s’okay, I’m here, s’okay…” you comforted, rocking him soothingly. He seemed like nothing more than a child who was lost and had no idea what he was doing while in his arms.

“It’s not okay, it’s not okay, not okay, never okay–” he uttered under his breath over and over again, voice thick with tears and trembling. You cooed to him and held him even closer to you. “It is,” you assured. “We’re okay.” And not knowing what else to say, you said the same words he never echoed back, the ones that made him shove you away and shut down.

“I love you.”

He froze in your arms, sobs dying down, but he didn’t shove you away or shut down like usual. “...It’ll pass.” He responded quietly. Your heart broke for the broken Sith, and you shook your head. “No, it won’t. I love you, Maul. I do.”

“You don’t. You shouldn’t.”

“But I do.”

“Why?” He finally asked, pulling away from you with puffy and teary eyes, nose scrunched up and lips twisted into a frown. “Why do you love someone like me? I tortured you. I almost killed you. I’ve abandoned you. You shouldn’t love me.” He explained, tone slowly evening out.

“I’ve forgiven that. I’ve forgiven all of that-” you responded, but he cut you off, voice almost flat.

“I hate you.”

…What?

Your eyes widened, and your heart dropped to your stomach. Surely not, right? He didn’t mean that. Maybe he– maybe you misheard him?

“I hate you.” He repeated, voice hollow. “I hate how caring you are. I hate how you treat me so gently. I hate how you act. I hate that you love me. I hate that I care for you. I hate that you make me feel so bad. I hate you.”

Oh, but hate is so close to love.

“You should just leave.” He stated, not even batting an eye at his own words. You forced back the tears that threatened to prick at your eyes and shook your head. “You— you don’t mean that. You’re just saying that-” you basically tried to convince yourself, eyes tracing his face for any lie or deceit to tell you that he didn’t mean it. You couldn’t find anything. His face was blank. Like he was on autopilot or something.

And he was. Right now, it was his insecurity talking. In reality, what he wanted to say was I’m sorry you have to deal with me. What he meant when he said he hated you was that he loved you. He was angry with you because you weren’t angry with him. He wanted you to hurt him, yell at him, get mad, because that’s how he felt for himself. He just didn’t understand why you didn’t feel the same way. You were the victim after all. He didn’t want to taint you any more than he already has. You were a young thing, a sweet thing. And Maul was an old, rugged, and cruel and unfeeling, broken bastard. He couldn’t burden you with that.

“Just leave!” He finally shouted. “I don’t want you here! It was better when you were gone– I was better off without you!” He screamed at you, trying to push you away, because he loved you. It was for your own good.

Slowly, you let go of him, hurt written all over your face. You looked as if you didn’t know what to do, you didn’t. Because how are you supposed to respond to that when it was the man whom you loved yelling it at you? But he said it’d be better, right? That he rather that? So, swallowing dryly, you gave a tiny, imperceivable nod and slid away from him.

Oh.

Oh- you were actually leaving-?!

He’d pushed you too far this time, he was too mean, he said too much–

“W-wait, where are you going?” He asked, sitting up and looking at you with wide eyes. “Leaving.” You responded quietly, standing up from the bed, and he immediately grabbed for your wrist, pulling you back. “I didn’t mean it, I swear, I didn’t–” he started to ramble, and you tried tearing yourself from his grip.

“Let me go, Maul! You can’t just take that back, you’ve already said what you said, now let me go-!” He should, shouldn’t he? He didn’t deserve you, you didn’t deserve him, he was being selfish. But couldn’t he? Couldn’t he be selfish? Just this once? He’d already lost so much. He couldn’t lose you too. Not from over those stupid, ugly words that left his lips in a fit of insecurity.

Holding you to him, he buried his face in the crook of your neck, embracing you to him like he was losing you, because he was. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, darling, please-” he pleaded, feeling you writhing against him and hearing your protests. It absolutely broke his hearts. As if to make up for it and convey silent apologies, he started pressing soft and fluttering kisses to the skin of your shoulder and neck in whispered apologies, mumbling his regret and shame through each kiss.

“Maul, please.” You finally choked out, falling limp against him and just weakly pressing your palms to his chest. “You don’t love me, you don’t. Let me leave.” You begged, and he shook his head, nuzzling into you even more and taking a shuddering breath. “No, no, that’s not true, darling, I- I do– I just- you don’t deserve me, I don’t deserve you, and I was just hurting you and I–”

It was all coming out now. The guilt. The pain. The insecurity. The self-loathing. The love.

Your eyes slowly softened, and you relaxed against him, understanding now. “I love you.” He finally choked out, cupping your face in his hands. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it before, that I couldn’t, but know now, I love you. I’ve never hated you. I don’t. And by the Force, I don’t want you to leave. I don’t.”

And you cried. You cried in his arms, like the many times he cried in yours. And he pressed your foreheads together, cradling you like you were glass while pressing kisses to your face to prove to you he really was telling you the truth. Because nothing scared him more than the thought of losing you.

After all, hate is so close to love.

#star wars x reader #darth maul #darth maul x reader #x fem reader #nightbrothers #sith lord #Spotify

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