#let's just say I've been thinking about her a lot lately /lh

[throughpatchesofviolet]

When my Enkephalin restores and I get a tag for this last guy, you're all going to be subjected to new Sherry lore. /lh

[fierrochase-falafel]

Interpreting insecurity: looking into Aoki from Kieta Hatsukoi (the manga)

I finished Kieta Hatsukoi (My Love Mix-Up) lately and I've been...invested. It's a fun little shuojo manga with interesting main characters, insightful conversations, realistic portrayals of high school and high school relationships, and is also just really funny and endearing. The main romantic pair, Aoki Souta and Ida Kousuke, absolutely radiate ADHD bisexual and autism gay (always an entertaining combination) and they're so great, I would highly recommend. I'm halfway through the live action adaptation as well, and it genuinely reflects the original work so well in its medium that I'm going to highly recommend that too. Spoiler-free review aside, let's get into it.

Anyways, there was this 1 line in volume 8 that got me thinking from when Aoki was dwelling about Ida's mother possibly disliking him, and he thinks:

"Aoki is so wonderful." "He's too good to be dating Kousuke." That'd never happen...

Now this was really interesting to me (and was the beginning of this entire rabbit hole), because the scenario that Aoki would surely WANT is for Ida's mother to be perfectly happy with him dating Ida. Something along the lines of, "I'm so glad he's dating Kousuke!" But no...the comparison he makes with the current assumed scenario of Ida's mother disliking him is one where Ida's mother likes him so much she thinks he's TOO good to be dating Ida. And the distinction is subtle, and seemingly doesn't mean anything. Earlier in the same chapter in volume 8, Aoki's mother says, "I really wish I had a son like you", about Ida. A very Asian parent thing to say honestly (/lh). It doesn't negate Aoki's being her valued son but emphasises that the characteristics of Ida are something she would've wanted in her own child, and something she doesn't see in her own son. It's another offhand comment, another subtle comment, however these small things combined with what we already know about Aoki do shape the way I view him.

Aoki is a character who we meet, from the get-go, messing up. The first panel is him forgetting his eraser and frantically asking around for one, and then him dropping Hashimoto's eraser leads to a whole 9 volumes of Aoki messing up. He's not the only one to mess up, of course, but he does spend a LOT of the series being his own worst enemy (which is so real) due to his impulsivity and overthinking. It's established early on that he struggles to do well at school, and it's often joked about that he wants to be more popular but he isn't. There was that one short in volume 7 where he was getting hyped about being compared to a famous handsome actor until it turned out the girls were just making fun of him a little, and even though he got over it easily, he still felt a bit insecure about it. He is also somewhat insecure about being made fun of for his weight when he was really young (referring to it as his "dark past" at age 17/18 feels like a sign he didn't fully get over it). His mother comments earlier in volume 8 that he wasn't good at studying the way his sister was, which was meant to be funny but also implies his sister overshadowed him academically as well.

Aoki is easygoing and takes a lot of this in stride, with it being used for passing jokes as opposed to something that he thinks about very deeply. That being said, with all this combined, Aoki is shown to be quite insecure, because even when he isn't outright failing, he's never been "good enough". Let's take a fairly minor example of this: he's not unpopular but girls didn't seem to fall for him at all, and don't through the series. The series starts with him getting friendzoned by Hashimoto after all, and even when we see instances of girls liking Ida (Kokoro, Mai when he was a kid), Aoki never seems to have that. He doesn't get chocolates in his locker on Valentine's day, and the one time in-series he thought someone might have a crush on him (Saionji), she liked their work manager instead. The series never takes itself too seriously when it comes to this, as Aoki is easygoing, but in my opinion they add context to why Aoki seems to lack a lot of self-confidence. Aoki wanting to surpass other people's expectations for him and feeling guilty/worthless about not 'performing well enough' become a bigger deal in terms of academia and school, as I will get to.

Aoki is paralleled with Ida a lot actually, as someone who cares more about societal status norms but is unable to accomplish them to the same degree. Academically, Aoki regularly worries Ida is leaving him behind in terms of grades and the future, and he wants to keep up with Ida so he feels they can have a future together that is fulfilling for Ida. Furthermore, Aoki's insecurities about their relationship often stem from the idea that he is having to try more than Ida, or the relationship might mean more to him than Ida because Ida seems very naturally calm and collected where Aoki is not. Ida's room is tidy, Ida is able to study with the assumption he will pass, Ida is in the A-class for skiing, Ida knows what he wants to do after graduating: Ida seems like a guy who has everything together, and Aoki comparing himself to Ida is what often causes internal conflict in him until he learns to somewhat let it go before the exam. For Aoki has always never been 'good enough', and he struggles through life very expressively. He freaks out massively partially because he's insecure about messing up again, assuming he's done something wrong and reacting defensively to that (like his massive freak-out over whether Ida's mom likes him or not). Ida, however, doesn't even notice a lot of this stuff at all, and is therefore shown often having the opposte problem to Aoki. Where Aoki knows exactly how he feels and struggles a lot with being straightforward about it and not overthinking too much, Ida struggles with thinking more and thoroughly about how he and other people feel. I think Aoki and Ida coming in from completely different sides on this leads to some of Aoki's defensiveness (see comments such as "What is with you?" and "What are you doing?" when he seems annoyed) when talking with Ida. It sounds insensitive but really a lot of the time they do not understand what the other is doing at all, and if Aoki feels like he is being judged in the slightest he will immediately double down on it because he's somewhat insecure. Ida's lack of expressiveness (and thus more collected appearance) compared to Aoki's super expressiveness contributes to this as well, I think. I think I'd argue Aoki and Ida are one of those "opposites attract but in some surprising ways they're quite similar" fictional couples, because they perceive and engage with the world very differently, but when it comes down to it, they take their emotions very seriously and manage to take their relationship at their own pace without trying to put pressure on each other (this was something Hashimoto and Akkun struggled with in their relationship quite a bit).

Coming back to where I started this post, Aoki's comment isn't too serious but I think it tells us Aoki assumes quite quickly that Ida's mother A) doesn't like him and B) doesn't like him because of how good he intrinsically is. It would be way more plausible for Ida's mother to want him to spend less time with Ida because she's worried they'll distract each other from studying or something, but Aoki assumes it is his fault because he isn't good enough for her. The way he doesn't feel like he's good enough academically or in handling relationships. This is something he truly feels and that contributes to him making impulsive decisions to salvage what he thinks is the be-all end-all. He does get angry with Ida when Ida tells him he doesn't have to push himself to go to Syuei University because he sees it as a slight on his own abilities, and a sign he isn't good enough to make it there with someone as seemingly put-together as Ida. Okano has to remind him that he is himself and shouldn't compare himself to Ida: as much of a mixed bag Okano is (yeah he does become more open-minded from volume 5 but the bar was not high), it's important for Aoki to know that.

I will say though, in Aoki's relationship with Ida, despite involving SO much miscommunication and Aoki being worried he isn't good enough to date Ida, Aoki's relationship with his insecurities evolves very clearly with Ida. In volume 1 he's worrying over Hashimoto and Ida deserving each other and not wanting them to worry about him getting in the way despite having feelings for both of them at different points in the story. Even though he believes they deserve someone as good as each other and he never stood a chance (especially as he tells Ida), Ida is the first one to tell him he's kind and shouldn't give up just because he thinks he isn't good enough for someone else. Aoki does eventually take the leap and tell Ida he likes him on the Hokkaido trip despite his own reservations that usually lead him to give up and get defensive before he's even taken any action. Ida's blunt honesty and direct communication rubs off on him a bit, and he slowly starts broaching more personal subjects and becoming less embarassed about it. Ida gives him advice on a future field of study when Aoki asks about it, and Aoki is the one who brings up so many topics in later volumes such as his fears about whether Ida's mother likes him and whether they ought to live together in university. Volume 5 particularly strikes me as a milestone for Aoki. After getting defensive and awkward about Ida's reaction to them touching hands, Aoki dwells on it by himself for a good while but then does apologetically admit he was thinking about that to Ida. Ida assures him he doesn't have to be on his guard, to paraphrase, and holds his hand to show he isn't weirded out by Aoki at all. Aoki being the one to admit something he feels embarassed about to Ida without lashing out is huge growth for him, and shows how far he's come in communication and facing his fears since meeting Ida. Ida's blunt nature means he always means what he says and says what he means, so Aoki slowly learns to talk to Ida honestly and trust that he isn't embarassing or 'not good enough'. When Aoki gets out of his own head a bit more, he stops being his own worst enemy and is able to properly appreciate the relationships he has. Like in the bit of volume 9 when Aoki finally tells his mother he's dating Ida. Even after the initial carelessness of Akkun, Okano's prejudice, the volleyball club's extreme (stressful) enthusiasm, Aoki finds the desire in him to be direct with her and tell her. Not only does he find the desire to be direct but the courage to be direct with someone he knows cares about him and his feelings, because he's slowly been able to do this with Ida. Aoki also rubs off on Ida, helping Ida grow as a character too, but this post is focused on Aoki after all, so I'll wrap this up soon.

Another quick point I'd like to make is that Aoki doesn't seem to overthink his interactions a lot with people he's not close with- reading about how casually nice Aoki was to Ida before the eraser incident is hilarious because of how genuinely unbothered Aoki seemed then. Aoki's confidence in doing things he thinks and/or assumes will help other people is near unmatched, like when he stepped up to be Cinderella in their class play or talked to Kokoro and her friends when the other boys were being awkward and silent, yet when it comes to confidence in genuinely communicating his own feelings, he has a long way to go. Going out of his way to help others is arguably partly Aoki's way of proving his own worth because of how much he cares about his friends being happy and fulfilled, and the series witnesses him learning to harness his own feelings towards other people so he can feel fulfilled too.

To conclude, I hope it doesn't sound like I think Aoki's insecurities define his character at all- heck they're so subtly included, they may even go unnoticed and you'd still get a good story. However, I still think they underpin every arc bringing Aoki closer to being an individual who is more bold and open with the people closest to him. He doesn't assume he has to give up because he isn't good enough anymore, and is more likely to be honest about his own feelings without always assuming the worst. Aoki is the sort of person enthralling and endearing to read about, but sometimes I feel like I would need infinite levels of patience to keep up with him in real life. Nonetheless, I appreciate him very much, and I appreciate the representation of him shooting himself in his foot by overthinking and comparing himself to who/what he "should" be, because that is something very relatable for many people and often at various points in their lives. At the end of the day though, this is all an interpretation, and I'm sure there are others to be made by anyone who cared enough to read this whole thing. In all his kind, high-strung, empathetic, impulsive glory, this one's to Aoki!

[vinnybox]

What would the rest of the batfam look like with wings? Like Bruce Alfred and Cass, etc? Would Steph somehow have purple wings? (idk if there’s even any birds out there with purple wings lol)

@reddkass tagging as well so you know I've answered your ask <3

aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA SORRY FOR LATE ANSWER! Been real busy and been bouncing between answering asks with or without doodles or not. Would love to draw them rn but Artfight GRRR

firstly! Yes!! Cass showing her support and love for her brother through physical affection is canon and I take no criticism/lh

She most definitely gives his wings little pats and also in Cass style, if she notices his distress or if something isn't sitting right, she's the first to comfort him with little wing touches even if Dick didn't realize how distressed he really is.

As for Wings AU Cass and Steph and ther rest of the batfam!! I've thought about it, but the only birds I could think of for Cass is a Secretary bird and for Steph would be a Violet-backed Starling? 🤔

Long rambling and images under cut!

Secretary bird! Absolutely gorgeous but deadly as in has very powerful kicks and destroys snakes DHSDDSHJD They're pretty big too if I remembered correctly?

ALSO just now realizing smth, but ok at first I thought about Batman as this bird, Bat Hawk (haha) but like, this COULD also be Cass cause I think she can beat Batman in a fight? and Bat Hawk also eats bats...

AND JUST LOOK AT HOW COOL!!!

And Violet-backed Starling! I hadn't got around to doing more research yet, but This is all I can think of for now! but there could be others that might fit her more since I did want to base off both from looks and vibes or how they function etc. BUT mostly want to just have fun designing wings later on :]

AND as for Batman and Alfred. Let's get Batman first.

Batman, I've thought about him being Bat Hawk cause of the name and looks alone, but alas, I’ve also come right back to my first options being either Crows or Ravens! Not just cause of their looks alone, but also they’re very intelligent birds! And they communicate within their flock and Ravens are known to form mutual relationship where they work together with wolves. A special bond!

Im leaning a little on the Raven tho for Batman/Bruce cause Ravens are known to do barrel rolls in the sky too! I think it’d be useful for evading aerial attacks c:

As for Alfred, his might come as a surprise?? idk, but I honestly feel Alfred vibes from Shoebill bird (says someone who’s never read a lot of comics WEEPPSS! I’LL DO IT SOME DAY I promies :c )

Like! They’re very intimidating, but are like, super cool? They sometimes bow to people too from some stuff I’ve heard in videos, but they can be quite dangerous if want to. Overall the bird is pretty chill tho.

Another hting I could think of in a funny way are Penguins HDGSHJ cause in Japanese their name means Business Goose which is super funny and sweet.

OR Alfred COULD be a Crow while Bruce is a Raven. (Ravens are larger and has a slight difference in how their tail looks from Crows :D)

If any of you have a better idea I wouldn’t mind y’all sharing and comparing notes haha

EDIT: ALSO COMPLETELY FORGOT I COULD EVEN DO NON-BIRD WINGS. Batman could literaly just hve bat wings and that’d be POGGERS

[peachpitmp3]

i- oh my gOD bestie, words cannot encompass how much i love your words (yes, this is. definitely coherent /s)

"like, you give me your name and i’ll never forget it." HHH NFJXMC THE NO STALGIA AND VIBES /pos i love that sentence so much. that,, sums up the perfection and sadness and wonder of the last days of elementary school so well!!

nostalgia sure is something. like,, i think about these memories and times, and i miss that. everything was so simple then. but then! i think about all the new friends i've made, and how different i am. i mean,, here i am. sitting at my computer and typing this out. i'm talking to someone, layers and layers away from being face to face, and yet it feels so- i don't even know. i just know that i will remember these nights and long paragraphs typed out, for both the internet and only one other person to see. and on one hand, it's a little odd to think that people can see and interact with my thoughts, all typed out in one neat little tumblr ask. on the other hand, this is so cool. it's like simon vs the homo sapiens agenda, but make it even mORE QUEER (it is pride month after alll fsjdlkfj) and more,, 2021. also platonic /gen /lh

books that shaped me: percy jackson. i was just so in love with the idea of belonging in a certain kind of way. it also took up a lot of my childhood, and honestly, i do think about all of the books and other series' (series? series's??) fairly often. i would say harry potter, because it did impact the way that i spent a lot of my time, but also. jkr sucks. rick riordan is not great either, but the thought of supporting jkr is so wrong at this point. this one is random, and i honestly did not realize how much it shaped who i am, but the eighth day. the idea of having another day, just to myself, was something that i thought about so much. and now, time travel is my go-to for anything. i wanted to freeze time, and be able to control time, so badly. and to a certain extent, i still do. but it does not lurk in the front of my mind nearly as much as it used to fjskldjf

would you say you took on any personalities from fictional characters, or even irl people? which characters, and which traits? and how long did it take you to realize that those were going to be a part of you/were not a part of your identity that you kept? - 🌵

bestie i am SO sorry for the late response holy shit. i have been so so so tired all day but i'm gonna answer this before i go to sleep.

gosh literally. the way i don't know you, i literally don't know your name or your blog or your face or anything but i know what you've told me, and that's enough for us to make a connection, and to have so many conversations and words and questions shared. adsjkfasjdfsldfj yes platonic svthsa <333

bestie minor confession i didn't read percy jackson until like a couple years ago. rip. yeah okay... harry potter is a thing. cause like. it impacted me massively growing up. like, i read it for the first time in first grade. first. grade. and it just. had a huge effect, but now i feel so fucking guilty about that. like, how could i let it shape me and even help me grow in some ways when it has such harmful associations, yknow? whatever.

oooh time travel? that's so interesting actually. it's such a terrifying concept, something that can so easily spin out of control, but it would be so helpful, even for the most mundane things lmao.

hmm okay i think i take on personality traits from everyone i meet. if i see something in someone else, i try to soak it up and be like that too. some of it is probably rooted in some insecurity or something but hey! you're not my therapist and we don't need to get into that. anyway, fictional characters. god, i absolutely loved hermione growing up. but i think my favorite character was luna for the majority of my childhood? like, maybe it was just the "weird kid" in her that i connected to, or something, or maybe it was me not wanting to be like "other girls" when they dressed up like hermione and i staunchly refused to. i don't know. honestly, it's hard to pinpoint what specific traits i picked up but i think from hermione i tried to pick up the idea that sometimes, even if you respect authority, they're wrong and you have to go against them, and it's okay to do that. and also just like, it's okay to not always put school first even if that's what you're used to. i dunno. bleh. okay uh. my brain is not working. OH. also!!! mysterious benedict society shaped my brain MASSIVELY. i loved that series. my favorites were reynie and constance, reynie just cause he was always so... reasonable, and so charming and friendly and so himself and so likeable and i wanted to be like that... and then constance because she was just so obstinate and so powerful despite her age and it was just. real fun to read her scenes. i don't know lmao.

i'm getting my second vaccine tomorrow so i might seriously be out of it for the next couple of days, so if you wouldn't mind sending questions that are kinda lowkey? or just like, easy to answer, yknow? no psychoanalysis or real thoughts necessary sdlfjsldfjslf

your questions (answer whichever ones you want): in what weather, if any, would you enjoy wind? also, have books or tv shows/movies shaped you more, and which books/tv shows/movies or characters or plots or whatever? is there any sort of theme that you notice when you're looking back on the plots of things you used to enjoy, or characters you used to love?