#let us pray that this doctor will be willing to extend my sick leave by two days so I don’t have to work this weekend

[pinkandrainyclouds]

Old people at the doctors will genuinely shove you of the way if you try to sign up before they do even though it’s not your fucking fault that you didn’t see them since they WERE WAITING IN THEIR CAR instead of by the door

[ukulelecal]

The Lady In Waiting - Prologue

In which you’re the lady in waiting for the princess, and the mysterious, quiet prince has taken a certain interest to you.

Warnings: none?

Pairing: Royal!Calum Hood x Reader

A/N: yo i’m so excited for this!! please give me some feedback, are yall hyped too??? ugh i hope this is good

Series Masterlist

***

“I’ll be back soon, okay?”

The old woman nodded, sending a weak smile towards her niece.

“You know I’ll be right here.”

The younger girl laughed softly.

“Yeah, I know.”

With that, Y/N pressed a kiss to her aunt’s forehead, and headed out the door.

It was Saturday, and Saturday was when Y/N always did the shopping, although “shopping” was a more relative term. Sometimes it was stealing, sometimes it was begging, sometimes it was persuading merchants to sell her things at a cheaper price. She hated doing it. She would always pay everything in full if she could, but she simply didn’t have the money, and she needed to take care of her aunt, even if it meant doing some things she didn’t want to.

Aunt Mary was ill. Very ill. Y/N saved up enough money to have the doctor pay a visit, who delivered the news that while there wasn’t a medicine that could save her, there were some natural remedies that could possibly help. Y/N always kept up with his orders since that day, never failing to get Aunt Mary the things she needed. She would do anything for her aunt.

Aunt Mary was the kindest soul Y/N ever knew. When Y/N’s parents passed, Aunt Mary took her, only eight years old at the time, in with no hesitation. She raised her, worked tirelessly to provide for her niece. Now in her old age, not to mention sick, the roles had reserved, and it was Y/N’s turn to take care of her. She mostly took some odd jobs from anyone who was willing to pay her. It was never much, leaving her and Aunt Mary constantly tight on money, but they managed to get by, albeit uncomfortably.

Y/N pressed on into town with her burlap pack over her shoulder, weaving her way into the crowds of people at the square. She kept her head down for the most part, hand tightly clutching the coins in the pocket she had sewn into her dress. Pickpockets were sometimes a problem in her village; she had learned that the hard way after nearly an entire week’s earnings got taken right from her without her noticing.

She walked up to her first stop, an older gentleman who sold herbs. The herbs were for Aunt Mary, a specific concoction the doctor recommended.

“Hello, Y/N,” the man greeted, a soft smile on his wrinkled face. She smiled back, starting to browse his cart for the things she needed.

“Hello, Mr. Rowe,” she responded kindly. “How are you?”

“I’m well, thank you. How’s your aunt?”

Y/N shrugged as she placed her items in front of Mr. Rowe to pay, a sigh escaping her lips. Everyone knew everyone in her tiny village, and they were all always there for each other when they needed it.

“Not so good lately. I’m afraid she’s getting worse.”

Mr. Rowe sighed as well, glancing down at the items. He stared for a moment, as if thinking, then pushed them back towards Y/N.

“Take them.”

Y/N’s eyes widened in disbelief.

“Take them? N-No, I can’t.”

She pulled some coins out of her pocket, extending them towards him. He shook his head, closing her hand in a fist and gently pushing it towards her.

“I insist. For Mary.”

Y/N bit her lip. She knew she should take it, considering her money situation, but she couldn’t help but feel guilty. She wasn’t above stealing, or taking things for free, but Mr. Rowe was always so kind and helpful. Glancing up at him, she saw the sincere look on his face. He really wanted her to have it. With one final sigh, she nodded, putting the money back in her pocket and reaching for the pouches of herbs.

“Thank you so much, Mr. Rowe,” Y/N mumbled, sending him a thankful smile. “I promise I’ll pay you back.”

“Please, Y/N. Consider it a gift.”

“Alright, alright,” she chuckled, sticking the items in her pack. “Goodbye now, and thank you again.”

“You’re very welcome. Wish your aunt well, from me.”

“I will.”

Y/N turned on her heel and left, feeling in a better mood than before. Even living in a tough situation, it was uplifting to know there were people who cared.

She continued on throughout the square, acquiring various objects in various ways. She let out a shaky breath as she approached her final stop, a young man who sold vegetables. She didn’t always have a positive shopping experience with him.

He grinned smugly as she walked up, her eyes looking anywhere but him.

“Y/N, it’s lovely to see you.”

The girl gritted her teeth, still keeping her gaze focused on the vegetables.

“Owen,” she grumbled, a poor excuse for a greeting, but she didn’t care.

“How’s old Aunt Mary doing? Still sick?”

She hated his voice, how complacent he sounded, how he tried to sound kind and sweet, but Y/N he was anything but that.

“She’s alright,” she replied. Not entirely the truth, but she knew Owen didn’t actually care about Aunt Mary’s health.

“Oh, that’s good. Sweet lady, Mary is.”

Y/N nodded stiffly, that being the only response she offered. All she wanted to do was get her vegetables and get home, not spend any more time around Owen than she had to.

She pushed her items towards him, then sliding him some money. It wasn’t the correct amount, and she knew it, but she didn’t have any more to spend. She silently prayed he wouldn’t notice.

Owen counted the money she gave him, sighing and shaking his head.

“You know this isn’t enough, Y/N,” he began slowly. “And you still owe me from last time. And the time before.”

Y/N mentally cursed. Why couldn’t he have some compassion like Mr. Rowe, just one time, and let her go?

“I promise I’ll get you your money,” she replied flatly, hands balling into fists.

“I don’t want your money.”

She took in a sharp breath, a harsh glare on her face as she looked up at him. She knew what he wanted, and she wanted to avoid it as much as possible.

Before she could respond, a rough hand slapped some more money on the table, sliding it towards Owen. Her head snapped up, finding a man wearing a very nice suit, a little too nice for anyone in her village to be able to afford, standing next to her.

“This should cover it, yes? Now, if I could have a word with you, please, miss?” The man asked, grinning down at Y/N. She stared up at him with eyes wide in both confusion and fear. He cocked his head to the side, signalling he meant in private.

She was hesitant. She didn’t trust just anyone, but this man wasn’t giving off any malicious vibes. He did just pay for her, afterall. She glanced at Owen, who was staring at the two with furrowed eyebrows. She sighed, scooping the vegetables into her pack and shot him one last dirty look, just for good measure.

Then, despite her mind screaming at her that she was an idiot, she followed the mystery man off to the side, away from the crowds.

“Who are you?” She demanded immediately, hands holding on to her pack so tight, it almost hurt. He could be a robber. A murderer. She could be dead on the ground in a matter of seconds. Her heart pounded in her chest, preparing herself to fight back if need be.

“You don’t need to be afraid of me,” the man said, shaking his head. “My name is Carlisle Denning. I come from the palace of the royal family.”

Y/N’s eyes nearly popped out her head. The royal family? As in, the Hood family? King David, Queen Joy, Prince Calum, Princess Mali-Koa. They never paid any attention to her village specifically; what was he doing here? She waited for him to continue.

“We are in need of a lady in waiting for Her Royal Highness, the princess. I have been sent to find a candidate, and I believe you, young lady, would be perfect for the job.”

She furrowed her eyebrows. She had never considered affiliating herself with the Hood family in any way. It seemed far too out of reach for someone of her status. And now she was being offered a job, to serve the princess? It was baffling.

“Why me?” Y/N questioned, tilting her head to the side. How could he have even determined she was fit for the job, if he didn’t know anything about her?

“I can tell you’re short on money,” he stated, raising his eyebrows. “You couldn’t pay for those vegetables back there. You could use a job, couldn’t you?”

She stared at him, unsure how to feel. Truth was, he was right. She did need a job. A real, steady one, not the gigs she took at random for some pocket change. She opened her mouth to reply, but Carlisle spoke again first.

“You’ll be paid well, I can assure you. You’ll come live in the palace, be given a bedroom and three good meals a day.”

Y/N sighed. It sounded like a pretty good arrangement to her, getting paid and living in a palace, not having to worry about money or food, but there was one thing making her hesitate; Aunt Mary.

“But, my aunt…” she trailed off, shaking her head. “She’s very sick. I can’t leave her.”

Carlisle scratched the back of his head, blowing out a breath.

“We can arrange someone to take care of her. Twenty four hours a day, if need be. She would receive great care. It would be a part of your pay, likely.”

She still wasn’t sure. A part of her wanted to do it, because anything seemed better than scrubbing floors and having to deal with Owen, but how could she just leave Aunt Mary? She would be getting care, sure, but it was her aunt. She didn’t want to abandon her.

“If I could…If I could talk to my aunt first?” Y/N asked, pulling her pack closer to her. She trusted Aunt Mary’s judgement.

“Of course,” he answered, nodding. “But, I must warn you, they’re expecting me back with someone. Today. I’ll have to come with you.”

Today? Y/N didn’t realize it would be so soon. She would hardly have time to say goodbye, to pack, to prepare herself at all.

Taking a deep breath, Y/N nodded, and lead Carlisle back to the little, shabby house she lived in with Aunt Mary.

“I’ll be just out here.”

She nodded and headed inside, leaving the dark skinned man on the porch.

“Aunt Mary? I’m home,” she called out softly, setting her pack on the kitchen table. She walked into Aunt Mary’s room, and the old woman smiled from her bed.

“Hello, dear,” she greeted, voice soft. “Everything go well?”

“Yes, yes, all is fine,” Y/N responded, almost rushed. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

A look of concern washed over Aunt Mary’s face, and she nodded, gesturing for Y/N to sit. She grabbed the wooden chair from the corner of the room, pulling it up to the side of the bed.

“I met a man, when I was out. He’s from the palace of the royal family, and...he offered me a job.”

“A real job?” The old woman began, her look of worry being replaced with a smile. “Y/N, that’s great!”

“Yeah, but I’d have to go live at the palace. Today. I’d have to leave you,” Y/N sighed. “He said they’ll send someone to take care of you, and I’ll be getting paid, but I just don’t know of I can go.”

Aunt Mary reached for her hand, encasing it in her own frail one.

“Don’t you worry about me, young lady. You take that job. You go make a life for yourself.”

Y/N felt tears burning the back of her eyes, and she blinked them away.

“But-”

“No buts,” Aunt Mary cut her off, a warm smile still on her face. “Go.”

Y/N leaned down, wrapping her arms around her aunt. It was going to be hard, but she knew deep down she was right. She would do it for Aunt Mary. For the care, for the money.

“I love you, Aunt Mary.”

“I love you, too, Y/N.”

She leaned back up, sniffling.

“I’ll write to you, okay?”

“Thank you, dear.”

Y/N pressed a kiss to her forehead, like she had done that morning, still trying to keep her tears at bay.

She heard the door open, turning around to find Carlisle standing in the doorway. The impatient look on his face told her it was time to go. Sighing, she turned back towards her aunt. She didn’t seem upset; she seemed proud. Proud that her niece was going to have a better life.

“Goodbye, Aunt Mary. I love you.”

“Goodbye, dear. You enjoy that palace, now.”

Y/N laughed softly, wiping a single tear away. Even in her old age and sickness, she still had a sense of humor.

With that, she walked out of her house with Carlisle, possibly for the last time. He was talking about how she didn’t need to bring anything with her, how everything would be provided for her at the palace, but she was hardly listening. She was leaving her little village, living with the royal family.

She was starting a whole new life, and she wasn’t sure if she was excited or terrified.

[mywalkhispath]

Testing of Faith

In This World You Will Have Trouble…

Why, God?  Why me?  Why now? Why here? Why this?  Why am I in this valley of sickness, pain, suffering, shame, hopelessness?  God, why don’t you heal me from this thing?  Oh, how many times have I asked myself these questions as I traveled through one of life’s valleys?  I want to stay on the mountain top where I can see for miles, see where I’m going, live above the troubles of the city in the valley below.  But do I really?  Do I really want to stay where the winds are cold, the oxygen thin, the winter severe with troubles of its own, the terrain is rugged and a wrong step can be deadly?  How about the plains…the flat expansion of earth that’s not really a valley formed at the base of two mountains, but doesn’t have the rugged edges of the mountain top?  You know the easy place where life is predictable, the children are respectful and help with the dishes, husband and wives love each other with abandon, everyone is healthy, the bills are always paid on time….

We don’t live in this nirvana, we live in a broken world that is full of sin and suffering.  A world where our faith is tested daily, sometimes more severely, more painfully than others.  Sometimes we barely recognize the testing and passing or failing can have life long implications. 

Why must we go through this testing?  Much like the refining of metals to remove impurities and make it stronger, the successful testing of our faith makes us stronger and deepens our trust in God.  When others see how we respond to the difficult time in our lives it can affect their personal walk with God.  My cousin, Brooke, has been battling stage 4 breast cancer for several years now.  This is her second battle with this terrible disease and the aggressive nature of this battle leaves little hope for a complete remission.  Brooke has three elementary-aged children and works as the Women’s Ministry Director at a large church in Columbia, SC.  Her husband, Justin, was killed in a biking accident last August.  I am in awe of her strong faith and how she continues to rely on God in all things.  Through her social media posts, speaking engagements, and personal interactions I am sure she is strengthening others.  Her facebook page is here.  God has provided a strong faith-filled family and community of friends who help her manage her treatments and family obligations as she continues with chemo treatments to keep the cancer in check. 

There are numerous instances of the testing of faith in scripture.  Jesus was tested by the devil for 40 days; Peter and the other disciples were tested and martyred for their faith, Job was tested when the devil took his children and his earthly belongings.  They all came through with stronger faith, faith enough to die for what they believed in.  Jesus now sits at the right hand of God, the disciples at His feet, and Job was given even more than he previously possessed.  They were faithful during their testing.

There are also examples in Scripture where the testing didn’t go so well.  Adam and Eve gave in to the serpent’s testing by eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, resulting in their being banished from the Garden of Eden.  Moses killed a slave master.  King David had an affair with a married woman and tried to cover it up by having her husband killed. Still, God used them for His purposes and their names are familiar to both Jews and Christians.

In John 10:10a (NLT) Jesus says, “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.”  The thief wants to take our joy, to test our faith and see how strong it is.  How we respond is crucial to where our path takes us.  How do we navigate our valleys, and even the precarious mountaintop well?

Before your faith is tested, surround yourself with strong believers:

We live in a society where fewer and fewer feel they have the need or the time to attend church services, yet this is where we are most likely to find strong believers.  Listening to podcasts or religious music, watching services online, or doing online Bible Studies are great to expand our knowledge of Jesus Christ, but they don’t give us the benefit of  intimate knowledge and relationship found in community with other believers.  Church people are no more perfect than you are, made from the same dust, molded by the same God.

Other strong believers may be in your family or in your neighborhood.  Seek them out, discuss your faith and their faith.  Share your fears and joys.  Start a bible study in your home or at work and be willing to be vulnerable with the attendees.  Then you will know who you can turn to and trust when you are tested.

As your faith is being tested, get a team:

In March of 2018 my 10 year-old grandson was admitted to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing.  The diagnosis was asthma and atypical pneumonia.  After he was released and spent a week at home, he, his sister, and a cousin came to stay with my husband and I, over 500 miles away.  He did well - swimming in the pool, going to the zoo, and other area attractions, as long as he didn’t overdo it and had his inhaler handy.  Upon returning home to his parents and to school he began having even more trouble breathing than before.  Back to the hospital where a CT scan showed a 90% blockage in his trachea that wasn’t readily visible in the X-rays taken during his first stay.  He was air-lifted to a premier children’s hospital where the surgical team was assembled and a strategy for removing this growth without collapsing his lungs, suffocating him, or leaving  some of it behind was developed.  This season was probably the most I’ve had my faith tested in a long time.  “Faith over fear” became my unspoken mantra as I prayed for his healing.  During this time I felt the prayers of my team of friends, family, and church washing over my sweet grandson, his parents, and me.  A prayer warrior I’ve never met had a vision of Saint Raphael, the Catholic Saint of Healing, standing over my grandson…as a Methodist, the Saints are rather unknown to me, but the peace of mind this gave me is undeniable.  The surgery was successful and that child of God is able to run and play with his cousins and friends, not worrying about having asthma!  This team of prayer warriors helped strengthen my trust in God as the surgical team strengthened my trust in medicine.  Our struggles don’t have to be wrestled with in a vacuum.  Get a team!

As your faith is being tested, tell God how you feel:

Your prayers don’t have to be just about solving the struggle.  When I was a teenager I thought little of telling my parents when I didn’t agree with a decision or family rule or being grounded for ignoring said rule.  Yet, I have to remind myself that I can go to my Heavenly Father with my hurts, my frustrations, my anger at what I’m facing.  We serve a loving God who wants to have a relationship with us and open communication is key.  Yes, God is all-knowing and doesn’t need me to tell Him what’s going on in my heart and mind…But just like I know the answer my kids will give me when I ask how his or her day went, I still like to have the interaction.  Getting what I’m feeling out in the open helps me process, it sparks clarity, it helps me understand better why I’m in this situation.

After the testing, praise God:

I am currently reading “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way” by Lysa TerKeurst.  Here is a link.  If you’ve read Lysa’s earlier books you know that she is very vocal about the struggles she has had during her life.  In 2008 Lysa revealed that she’d had an abortion 16 years earlier.  The faith needed for someone who is so visible as a woman of God to step out and own this action and the subsequent pain is unfathomable to me.  In “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way” she discusses going through betrayal and two life-threatening health issues, yet she comes out praising God and the blessings she has received from these valleys…or in this life “between two gardens” as she likes to put it.  She praises God for the pain that kept her hospitalized until the doctors could find out what was wrong,  thus, saving her life.  She praises Him for the time she needed to sit and just be, and heal. 

My cousin, Brooke, praises God for each day, each moment, that she receives to spend with her children and extended family.  Would she have chosen this path?  Definitely not!  Is she modeling what a solid faith looks like even during extreme adversity?  Most definitely!

What the evil one intends to harm, to shame, to lessen our focus on our loving, faithful Heavenly Father, our God uses for good (Romand 8:28).  Lysa’s and Brooke’s stories encourage thousands of women.  The biblical accounts of Joseph (Genesis 37-50) and Ruth (the book of Ruth) encourage both men and women to place their faith in God,  knowing that He has plans for each of us, to prosper us, and give us a life worth living (Jeremiah 29:11).  In the second half of John 10:10 Jesus states, “My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.”  Praise God, for He is faithful, He loves us, He promises to never forsake us!  Praise Him for loving us enough to see us through the valleys of our lives, to allow us to be challenged in a way that makes us stronger.  We live in a fallen world; let’s be thankful that God is with us each step of the way!

Why me, God?  Better yet… Why not me?  Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.”  Thank you, Jesus!

[artiya-il-muriel-chamuel-blog]

The Cure

It is essential that you listen to ‘Rejoice’ by Julien Baker before reading the following below AND listen to Ultralight beam by Kanye West as soon as you’re done reading, like literally after the last word press play. This is the only way you’ll get the most out of this experience. Ready? Okay , here it is. 

The Cure.

Picture this, a willow tree swaying in the wind on top of a beautiful hill. The skies a meticulous shade of blue with puffs of pink as the sun is setting. Underneath the tree on a blanket is a toddler of almost two years old. She is in a sky-blue dress with a pretty headband to match, she sits underneath the tree eyes bright with a smile so inviting, arms extended for me to come to her. I pick her up and spin her around as tears flow down my face. Her little hands wipe away my tears as I kiss her cheek and just as quick, I wake up, I look around and realize that I am back into my world, my reality. I put my phone on Do Not Disturb,I  seclude myself by skipping my classes and staying in bed all day. I still feel the warmth of her body on my hands and her cheek on my lips. Her name is Luna, she is my would-be daughter. “You’re 8-10 weeks along. There’s supposed to be shades of red and blue indicating there is a heartbeat. There is none. You’re having a miscarriage, I’m sorry.”.

Having a miscarriage at the age of 18 really impacted my life, my faith, and the way I perceive death. The idea of someone’s existence coming to an end before they were even fully developed to begin with shook me to my core. Did she have a soul? I didn’t even know the gender and yet my mind reflexively thinks of my would-be child as a girl. At the time I was fully ready to keep my child, whatever troubles the future may bring, I was planning. After my miscarriage I was so heartbroken, but I couldn’t handle the pain that came with accepting my sadness so instead I became bitter and angry. I pushed my boyfriend at the time, the father of my would-be child, away. I accused him of probably praying for an end to the trouble I was causing him. He promised me he didn’t and that he was ready and willing to help, but all I could remember was his face and shock when I told him I was pregnant and the disbelief when I told him I was going to keep the child. Those memories made me lash out time and time again, I yelled that he would never understand the pain I was going through, the emptiness I was feeling. Naturally a few months later, my boyfriend of three years, broke up with me. My world was crumbling. I lost what would’ve been the love of my life and someone I believed to be my soulmate. I was constantly losing.

In a moment of impulse, I went to visit a friend in Delaware for Halloween. I was excited to get off campus and so I wouldn’t potentially run into my ex. I wanted to drink and forget my sorrows and just have pure fun. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the universes plans for me. I took a couple of shots and I remember saying my usual ritual of “Para Arriba! Para Abajo! Para el Centro! Y para adentro!”

I woke up the next morning feeling disoriented and with a sore pain all over my body. I was in my friends’ dorm room in his bed with him nowhere in sight. I sit up to find out I am just in my skirt with my stockings ripped at my feet. I look to my left and his roommate is in a dead sleep. I am confused trying to remember the night. I find my clothes and make my way to the bathroom. “Did I have sex last night?” It sure as hell felt like I did. I inspected my body to find bruises and claw marks by my arms stomach, chest, butt, inner and outer thighs, grip marks on both my arms and ankles. “What the hell.” I got dressed and waited for my “friend” to come back and when he did I asked him about last night and he just simply told me “to not think about it. That I got way too drunk.” I chose to forget it in the moment because I still had a whole day in a state that I didn’t know. And it was mike, one of my closest friends from High School. We went to chipotle and just went to a day drink and the next morning I went home. To this day I can’t stand eating or seeing anyone eat a burrito, it physically disgusts me. Triggers are funny that way. They come in all forms.

It wasn’t until days later that he gave me the story that we were having sex for not even five minutes before his friend came knocking on the door and I seemed out of it so he left me in the room as he went to his quad mate’s room to take some shots and leave for a party. When he came back I was apparently sprawled on his quad mates’ floor with 2 guys in there, they proceeded to bring my unconscious self to bed. He left again to party and came back to find me on the floor with his other friends hovered around me apparently trying to help me. He then put me back to bed and left. He made it seem as if his friends were just helping me out. But those weren’t the memories that came flooding back the days after my rape. Some may not call it rape. They would call it a bad night of misunderstandings. A part of me wanted to believe mike, but even so, who does that? Who leaves there so called best friend time and time again basically naked with strangers. You couldn’t find me pants? A shirt? Nothing? Why have sex with me if I apparently wasn’t coherent and passed out a few minutes into it? Some call it him just being a shitty friend. I call it rape. I didn’t file any charges because I knew it would be a long process and because he once was a close friend of mine and I hoped that he would never do that to anyone else. Let me be the lesson in his life. My ex and I were still in the in-between zone about whether we should get back together or not at this time. I came home distraught and just wanted him, my comfort, to make me feel better. His reaction to me telling him I was raped still haunts me to this day.

“I can’t even look at you right now.”

It’s safe to say we didn’t get back together.

Naturally I fell into a depression. It was my worst semester to date. I missed almost two months of classes and I ended up having to withdraw from one and I failed another. I didn’t know how to cope. The next semester I had a fiery vengeance to not be sad and to just make it through my college years. It wasn’t until a few months after I was sexually assaulted that I found out my mother’s cancer was back, I didn’t even know she had it in the past to being with, how could she not have told me about it at the time? Why didn’t she even tell me after? Why did I have to find out accidentally from a letter in her desk from her doctors telling her she needed to start going to treatment or else? Or else what?

I’m not ready for her to die. Why did she have to be strong and pretend everything was okay when it wasn’t? Why the hell did I leave for another state for college? If I would’ve known I would have stayed closer to her. If I would’ve known I wouldn’t have ended up here. I wouldn’t have had a miscarriage. I wouldn’t have lost my soulmate. I wouldn’t have been raped. Why was death a thing? Why didn’t she tell me?

Over time she went to treatment and helped me feel better, how selfish of me, saying she was helping ME feel better, and to believe that she wasn’t going to disappear. By the time my mother finally convinced me that she would outlive both my sister and I and to have faith in the process the universe decided it was time I knew what true tangible loss felt like.

My Grandmother passed away. This was the first time I lost a family member I was close with and knew oh so well. I just saw her a few months prior and she seemed so healthy and joyful. How could she be gone?

My existential anguish went to an all time high. Thoughts like, We can easily pass away and cease to exist. Even if you believe in reincarnation like you’re totally gone like the self that you are right now won’t ever exist again and even if you believe in heaven or hell, how do you know for sure that that will be something after death. You would have to have that continual faith that it would come to that result. Death. Ceasing to Exist. How could I move on? How could I have faith in a universe that continuously demanded something be taken away ?

Every time I thought I was healing from a past pain, the universe would throw me another curveball and down I would fall again.

Forgiveness in Webster’s Dictionary is stated as- 1.to cease feeling resentment against someone and 2. to give up resentment or ask for repayment. My faith was shattered when I lost Luna. How could I forgive myself for not knowing that I was pregnant and that I was slowly killing my would-be child? Why? Did I have to do that keg stand, take those shot races, smoke all the time. Why? Why did I find out so late? Why do we have to die? I didn’t understand why God would allow me to get so connected just to be like in your dreams I have different plans for you? How would I be able to forgive my boyfriend at the time for not having the reaction I wanted. How could I forgive him for leaving me at a time I needed him the most? Why was he able to find someone new and grow happy? How would I ever let that resentment go? How could I forgive my friend for taking advantage of me? How could I forgive my mom for lying to me? What if I never found that letter and if she passed away? Would that be how I would find out she was sick? When it would be too late? How do I forgive God? For taking away my would-be child and grandmother away? For giving us this existence to realize that it would ultimately come to an end and we are to just accept it? How dare I say that I should forgive God. Who says that.? what is happening to me?

I was drowning in questions that I thought I’d never get answers to. Drowning in self-blame and bitter resentment.  I came to this same retreat a year ago with hopes of getting reconciliation and to some form of freedom from my sadness and resentment. During our discernment walk I remember carrying my rock and thinking of all the things that hurt me. It always came back to death and the idea that one day I along with this pain I would cease to exist. I laid down on the hill by the lake and kept thinking “Where will I go? Will I sink into this earth and become one with it? Will I live on elsewhere? Will I just disappear? Where will I go?” Annoyingly the only thought that came to mind was “Have Faith”. As if that were to be the answer to all my questions. “Have. Faith.” To my shock we had to throw the rock I bonded oh so well with into the lake. We had to let it go. And everything I ever let go had claw marks on it. I’m horrible at it. Some people even call me a hoarder, it’s so bad. And yet, chucking that rock into the lake felt so, satisfying. A feeling of liberation almost. Nelson Mandela stated it beautifully. “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” Wallowing in my sadness I was slowly killing myself by staying in this sad depressive bitter state. Moving on is easier said than done. Forgiving others is easier said than done. Forgiving myself is easier said than done. Accepting death is easier said than done. But it is a choice. A continuous choice to not allow those memories to suffocate you. Progress comes in waves. Some days were easier than others. I started out simply by not focusing on what this world took away from me but focusing on what I had in front of me. Forgiveness. I didn’t know I was pregnant. One day I will be, one day I will be a mother and that day will be a glorious joyful experience. This just wasn’t the time for me. Forgiveness. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life. We were both so young and it was too much suffering for him. He will learn to grow and be more conscious about his words and actions but sadly that will never be with me. He chose to be happy away from me and with someone new. Now I choose to be happy with myself. Instead of wallowing at his loss. I embraced the friends that helped me out of the dark hole I fell in. I appreciated and loved the light they shared with me and insisted that was still inside of me. I get by with a little help from my friends. Without them I wouldn’t be.

Forgiveness. Violating my trust and my body. How do I forgive that? If I’m being honest I haven’t fully yet. There are days when one of my friends gets a burrito from chipotle and I am reminded of that night, everything rushing back like harsh waves in a storm. Faith. I have friends in high school who still speak with Mike, they say he’s in a happy healthy relationship and thriving in a frat at his school. I want to believe my high school friend is still in there. I want to believe he learned from me. To never betray someone like that again. Forgiveness. My mother was trying to protect me. The first time she was diagnosed I was 12. She told my older sister, who took the burden of adjusting her life to the worst-case scenario that came with Breast Cancer. She knew I was stubborn and wanted to leave the state to explore and find myself. She knew she had it under control and didn’t want to worry me. My mother was trying to protect me. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust me or all the other negative thoughts I conjured in my mind. Acceptance. Everyone has to die eventually. It is the circle of life. That’s what makes it beautiful. You are born and you grow and you have the opportunity to have these questions to have these experiences to mold and find yourself. We are all here on borrowed time. No one will ever fully have the answers. “Have. Faith.” My grandmother still lives on in her daughters and sons, her grandchildren and great grandchildren. We are all a part of her and we would never be if she never was. My faith is something I’m still working on, instead of God I say the universe. I interchange between the two. To me they are one in the same. Forgiveness. It is a continuous choice. Forgiveness. It is hard work.

Healing. It comes in waves. Progress. Not Perfection. There is no right way to heal. It’s a continuous decision to not drink the poison of resentment. It is the continuous decision to surround yourself around friends and family who love you and not to seclude yourself. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

Picture this, a willow tree swaying in the wind on top of a beautiful hill. The skies a meticulous shade of blue with puffs of pink as the sun is setting. Underneath the tree on a blanket is a toddler of almost two years old. She is in a sky-blue dress with a pretty headband to match, she sits underneath the tree eyes bright with a smile so inviting, arms extended for me to come to her. I pick her up and spin her around as tears flow down my face. And just like that I blink and I am awake, in my room, in my reality, without her. I wipe the tears off my face as I get up to get ready for the day. I give my thanks to the universe for letting me see another day as I feel the water running through my hair. As I’m changing my phone rings. My friend asks if I want to get breakfast. I say yes.

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.”

“Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.”

The cure?

It is forgiveness.

[iprayunceasingly-blog]

'Induced' deaths rise in Netherlands, sparking concerns from doctors, ethicists

New Post has been published on https://pray-unceasingly.com/catholic-living/catholic-news/induced-deaths-rise-in-netherlands-sparking-concerns-from-doctors-ethicists/

'Induced' deaths rise in Netherlands, sparking concerns from doctors, ethicists

Amsterdam, Netherlands, Jan 22, 2019 / 04:39 pm (CNA/EWTN News).- Legalized euthanasia and assisted suicide have the longest history in the Netherlands: 17 years ago, the two practices became legal, under what were supposed to be very limited circumstances, available only to those undergoing “unbearable” suffering with “no reasonable alternatives” for relief.

But time has brought a loosening of definitions and a level of comfortability with the practices, increasingly extending their availability far beyond patients with terminal conditions and extreme pain.

The Guardian recently reported that “well over a quarter” of deaths in the Netherlands in 2017 were “induced.” This included 6,585 who died by euthanasia; around 1,900 who killed themselves; and 32,000 “who died under palliative sedation.”

In a longform piece published by the Guardian, Christopher de Bellaigue examines the increased popularity of the practices, and the expanding availability of euthanasia and assisted suicide to include the young and the mentally (though not physically) ill.

He also notes that the increase in demand has some doctors and ethicists balking at the practice, and questioning whether the Netherlands has headed down the oft-referenced “slippery slope” of having gone too far in letting people choose when to die.

“The process of bringing in euthanasia legislation began with a desire to deal with the most heartbreaking cases – really terrible forms of death,” Theo Boer, an ethics teacher at the Theological University of Kampen, told the Guardian. “But there have been important changes in the way the law is applied. We have put in motion something that we have now discovered has more consequences than we ever imagined.”

Those opposed to assisted suicide and euthanasia often do so out of concern for the possibility of coercion, or the impossibility of predicting whether someone’s condition or mental state might improve, with additional care. Many disability groups actively campaign against it, arguing that it discriminates against the disabled, making insurance companies more likely to pay for their death than their ongoing care.

Ethicist Berna Van Baarsen shares similar concerns. Sometimes patients write advance directives, requesting assisted suicide once they deteriorate past a certain point, while they are still fully physically and mentally competent. But these patients may adjust to their new circumstances and change their mind, but be unable to communicate, making it nearly impossible to know whether their original request still stands.

Van Baarsen resigned from her position on a euthanasia case review board last year, citing her qualms with these types of cases, which are common.

“It is fundamentally impossible to establish that the patient is suffering unbearably, because he can no longer explain it,” she told the Dutch daily Trouw.

She has also recently lamented that “legal arguments” often weigh more heavily on committees that approve people’s requests for euthanasia, “while the moral question of whether in certain cases good is done by killing, threatens to get snowed under,” the Guardian reported.

“The underlying problem with the advance directives is that they imply the subordination of an irrational human being to their rational former self, essentially splitting a single person into two mutually opposed ones. Many doctors, having watched patients adapt to circumstances they had once expected to find intolerable, doubt whether anyone can accurately predict what they will want after their condition worsens,” de Bellaigue wrote.

De Bellaigue also detailed another disturbing case, in which a doctor went on vacation at a time when one of her patients had requested euthanasia, but she had declined his case, at least for the time. When she came back, another doctor had euthanised her patient.

“…guilt was a factor; if she hadn’t gone away, would her patient still be alive? Now she was making plans to leave the practice, but hadn’t yet made an announcement for fear of unsettling her other patients. ‘How can I stay here?’ she said. ‘I am a doctor and yet I can’t guarantee the safety of my most vulnerable patients,’” de Ballaige wrote.

Currently, a doctor is being investigated in the first case of euthanasia malpractice in the Netherlands. The case was the kind Van Baarsen was wary about – the woman in the case had signed an advance directive, requesting euthanasia if she was still mentally competent at the time it was carried out.

After getting dementia and being confined to a nursing home, the woman was secretly slipped a sedative by the doctor in question and then given a lethal injection. While the woman fought the doctor, her family held her down.

Prosecutors say they are investigating the doctor for administering euthanasia to a woman who had voiced different desires about euthanasia at different times, and for euthanizing her without checking to be sure it was her wish at the time. Two other cases investigating possible euthanasia malpractice have been dropped.

De Ballaige wrote that these cases may be the cause of a 9 percent drop in euthanasia and assisted suicide that has been reported for the first nine months of 2018.

Boer told the Guardian that when he speaks to lawmakers from other countries considering legalized euthanasia and assisted suicide, he points to the Netherlands as a warning.

“Look closely at the Netherlands because this is where your country may be 20 years from now,” he said.

Euthanasia and assisted suicide are legal only in a handful of states in the U.S., though there has been a recent push to legalize the practice in more places, in part due to the high-profile case of Brittany Maynard, a 29 year-old with terminal cancer who ended her life via assisted suicide in 2014. Compassion and Choices, which advocates for legalized euthanasia and assisted suicide, helped publicize her death.

Catholic social teaching holds assisted suicide and euthanasia to be “morally unacceptable.” The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that “even if death is thought imminent, the ordinary care owed to a sick person cannot be legitimately interrupted. The use of painkillers to alleviate the sufferings of the dying, even at the risk of shortening their days, can be morally in conformity with human dignity if death is not willed as either an end or a means, but only foreseen and tolerated as inevitable. Palliative care is a special form of disinterested charity. As such it should be encouraged.”

“Everyone is responsible for his life before God who has given it to him. It is God who remains the sovereign Master of life. We are obliged to accept life gratefully and preserve it for his honor and the salvation of our souls. We are stewards, not owners, of the life God has entrusted to us. It is not ours to dispose of,” it adds.

In June 2016, Pope Francis denounced assisted suicide as part of a “throwaway culture” that offers a “false compassion” and treats a human person as a problem. Addressing medical professionals from Spain and Latin America at the Vatican, the Pope criticized “those who hide behind an alleged compassion to justify and approve the death of a patient.”

“True compassion does not marginalize anyone, nor does it humiliate and exclude – much less considers the disappearance of a person as a good thing.”

CNA Daily News – Europe

[thatcrazyfanfictionwriter]

Secret of the Sewers: Tales of Hamato Yoshi

The Elites carried Karai into Saki corporations, making their way to Oroku Saki's office. When he saw them enter with an unconscious Karai, Saki couldn't decide whether to be angry or worried.

"What happened?!" he demanded.

"We- we do not know." The elite holding Karai explained. "She ordered us to wait outside, and when we finally entered, we found her like this..."

Saki just looked down at Karai and put a hand on her face before looking back up at the elites.

"Take her to the infirmary." he ordered. "Now!"

The elites bowed and carried Karai off, unaware of what was transpiring inside her head.

…

Saki came to visit her down in infirmary as Dr. Chaplin was examining her. His face was scrunched in confusion and he was chewing on the end of his pen nervously, as if unsure of what was going on.

"You better have some news for me, Doctor." Saki threatened.

"I'm afraid this isn't anything like the last time you brought her to me." Chaplin told him. "You see, the last time, her brain activity was relatively normal. But now..."

He gestured to a screen, which was showing brain activity that was far above normal standards.

"I'm not exactly sure what is going on, but whatever damage was done, her cerebral cortex is working overtime to get everything in order, and ceased all unnecessary functions in order to work at the greatest capacity."

Saki raised an eyebrow at this.

"What did that girl do to her?" He asked.

"I don't know, Master." The doctor replied, looking down at Karai, whose eyes were moving restlessly behind her eyelids. "All I know is she just needs to fight this on her own. All we can do is wait… and pray."

Saki looked down at Karai, running his fingers through her hair. He was getting sick and tired of seeing his daughter in such a state. Standing over her bed, his free hand clenched hard enough to pop his knuckles.

"Fight this Karai." he told her, "Fight this, then we will make them all pay."

…

The Hamato siblings returned home, all of them flopping onto the large couch that dominated the living room.

"Well, we did it." Hisako declared, leaning back on the couch. "The memories were implanted… now we just need to wait while they settle."

"Yeah, however long that will take." Raph snorted.

"We just need to be patient." Leo told him.

Splinter heard his children talking and came out to join them.

"I take it your mission was a success." he noted.

"We'll know once Karai comes to." Donny informed him. "And hopefully when she does, she'll be a bit more open minded."

Splinter let out a sigh of relief.

"I do hope so." he admitted.

"In the meantime," Leo spoke. "Maybe you can tell us what happened between you and Shredder?"

Splinter let out a nod, taking a seat in his usual easy chair. The others sat forward on the couch, eager to listen.

"I suppose that I should start from the beginning." Splinter mused. "The day my life changed irrevocably."

…

Tokyo, a lifetime ago.

A young Hamato Yoshi stood on a street corner, his stomach rumbling loudly. He looked down at it, rubbing it as he searched his pockets. He had a few yen he'd managed to earn, but it was hardly enough to get himself some food. He sighed, leaning against a lamp post in defeat. As he did, something caught his eye. A blind man was making his way across the street, his cane tapping along the asphalt as we walked. Coming right up the road the man was trying to cross was a large truck, one that was definitely not stopping anytime soon.

"Ojiisan!" Yoshi shouted, running towards him.

The blind man stopped walking, turning towards the source of the voice that had called out. Yoshi then barreled right into him, tackling him out of the path of the truck seconds before it hit. As Yoshi pulled himself free of the blind man, he helped him to his feet.

"Are you alright, Ojiisan?" Yoshi asked, checking the man for injuries.

"That I am." The man informed him, holding a hand out as he searched for the boy. "Thank you for saving me."

"You are welcome." Yoshi told him, bowing respectfully.

As he bowed, his stomach growled loudly once more. The man's hand found Yoshi's head, feeling the weeks of dirt caked in his hair and on his skin.

"You are filthy, child." he commented. "When was the last time you had a proper bath? Or a full meal?"

"I… I do not remember, Ojiisan." Yoshi replied meekly, keeping his eyes on the ground.

"Where are your parents?" the man asked.

"Dead Ojiisan..." Yoshi admitted. "They were killed by the Yakuza..."

The man shook his head solemnly.

"Well, if you have nowhere else to go, perhaps you would be willing to allow me to take you to my home."

Yoshi's eyes went wide as he looked up at the man.

"You mean it?"

"Of course." the man replied. "It is the least I can do for the honorable boy who saved my life."

Yoshi smiled as the man held out his hand. Yoshi took it, unable to keep a smile off his face.

"What is your name, young one?" the man asked.

"Yoshi. Hamato Yoshi."

…

"Now what I didn't know at the time was that the man I had rescued was one of the five Grand Masters of the honorable Foot Clan." Splinter told his children. "And that his home was the Foot Clan fortress, a large fixture that sat on the edge of the city, watching over the innocent people of Japan from the evil Yakuza."

"Wait, the Foot were the good guys?" Raph questioned. "How is that possible?"

"This was before the Shredder turned them into the criminal empire we know today." Splinter told him. "In those days, you five may have fought alongside them rather than against them."

Raph snorted at the idea, until Leo elbowed him hard in the gut.

"Please continue Sensei." Leo insisted

Splinter nodded, then continued.

…

Yoshi looked around the large fortress, completely awestruck by the entire spectacle. Though the man leading him could not see his expression, he could hear the gasps of surprise, and that brought a smile to his face. As they walked in deeper, one of the many housekeepers of the fortress approached him, bowing respectfully to the man.

"Welcome back, Grandmaster." she greeted.

"Thank you Miko." He replied, then he gestured to Yoshi. "This is Hamato Yoshi. He will be joining the recruits as of today."

Yoshi gave a respectful bow, one Miko matched. She then offered her hand to him.

"Come along Yoshi." she told him. "Let's get you cleaned up, then we'll introduce you to the rest of the recruits."

Yoshi followed Miko, taking one last look at the man, who gave him a wave. He smiled, then turned towards Miko, curious about what this new life he'd been given would be like. No matter what they asked of him, he would be sure not to let them down.

…

The bath had felt like he was washing away all the pain and suffering he had endured during his time on the streets, and the meal was one of the best he's ever eaten. He'd never felt happier as Miko led him down a long hallway full of doors leading to various bedrooms. She approached one door, opening it to reveal a young man around Yoshi's age. His hair was a bit long, pulled back in a ponytail that hung down his neck.

"Miko-san." The boy greeted, bowing respectfully.

"Saki, I want to introduce you to Hamato Yoshi, a new recruit brought in by the Grand Master."

The boy turned to Yoshi, bowing again.

"It is a pleasure to meet you." The boy told him. "I am Oroku Saki, third generation Foot ninja."

"The pleasure is all mine." Yoshi assured him, bowing as well.

"Saki, you are going to be Yoshi's aniki. You will help him to fit in around here, teach him the rules, and help him to adjust to his new life."

"I will do everything I can." Saki promised.

Miko smiled, then took her leave, allowing the two boys to get acquainted.

…

"You and the Shredder were friends?" Leo asked in shock.

Splinter sighed a bit at the memory, of how innocent the two of them had been back then.

"We were more than that." Splinter answered. "We were aniki, brothers. We trained together, ate together, roomed together..."

He chuckled a bit.

"We were a lot like you five when we were younger." he compared. "Though, just like brothers will do, we developed a bit of a rivalry, one that extended into our training as we entered adulthood."

…

The attacks were constant, like a dance. The upper hand continued to go back and forth between the two opponents until finally, Yoshi caught a punch and flipped Saki onto the ground.

"I win again." Yoshi declared offering his opponent a hand up. "Though you almost had me this time."

Saki let out a sigh, accepting the hand up.

"Indeed." Saki agreed. "Perhaps you're finally starting to lose your edge."

"Either that, or you're finally gaining yours." Yoshi joked, slapping Saki's back.

"Either way, your little winning streak is starting to give out." Saki retorted.

Yoshi let out a lighthearted chuckle.

"Don't put me on the sidelines just yet." He quipped. "I may not be a third generation Foot Ninja like my aniki, but I'm no slouch in a fight, as your sore bum is no doubt aware of."

"Yes well, he who never loses never learns." Saki jeered. "So I have that on you at least."

"That you do." Yoshi agreed, taking up his fighting stance. "Now, shall we try again?"

…

"Even with the fierce rivalry between us, our friendship never wavered." Splinter remarked. "No matter how many times I beat him, I never saw a hint of anger in him."

His face fell slightly, something that didn't go unnoticed by his children.

"I'm sensing a 'but'." Mikey whispered.

Splinter gave a single not.

"Indeed Michelangelo." he admitted. "Our rivalry came to a head when Saki and I came of age to lead our own team. However, only one of us could be a leader."

…

Both Yoshi and Saki knelt before the five Grand Masters of the Foot High Council. Each were clad in samurai armors of different colors, marking them as individuals. Their full face masks covered their faces and allowed no expression to be visible behind the smooth metal.

"Oroku Saki." One of the Grand Master's voice boomed. "Hamato Yoshi. Both of you have proven yourself honorable, and capable warriors, and both of you would make excellent leaders one day."

"However, one of you has proven yourself as the superior fighter and strategist." a second declared. "And it is this dedication and wisdom that has made our decision easier."

"The decision of who will become the leader of our newest Foot battalion has been made." The third declared.

Both Yoshi and Saki waited, keeping their eyes on the floor below them.

"Hamato Yoshi." The five Grand Masters declared.

Yoshi's eyes went wide as he looked up at the council in disbelief.

"Me?" he asked.

One of the Grand Masters rose, removing his helmet to reveal the blind man, not much older, smiling down at Yoshi.

"I knew I sensed greatness in you when we first met," he told him. "And you have yet to disappoint me. Continue to bring honor to the Foot Clan."

"I will try." Yoshi replied. "Thank you."

Both Yoshi and Saki bowed in response. As they did though, Saki couldn't help but feel a bit cheated. He was a third generation Foot Ninja. His father and his father before him had all become leaders when they came of age. Still, he forced his jealousy down. Yoshi had earned this position, and he would respect the Council's decision.

As they left, Yoshi couldn't help but laugh a bit.

"I must admit… I did not expect to be chosen..." Yoshi said in a bit of shock.

"Neither did I." Saki replied a tad of disdain in his voice.

Yoshi looked over at his friend, stopping short.

"Saki, is everything alright?"

"Fine." Saki replied. "Why would it be otherwise?"

"Saki..." Yoshi said softly. "Are you… are you jealous?"

Saki was hesitant to respond.

"Only a little." Saki admitted. "Mostly because it was a family tradition to lead a team."

Yoshi placed his hand on Saki's shoulder.

"I am sure you will become leader one day." Yoshi assured him. "Just give them time to see the capable ninja you are. The one who gave me a reason to be the best."

Saki smiled at this.

"You are right of course." Saki admitted. "Now come. We have much work to do, leader."

Yoshi chuckled at this as the two went off.

…

The first mission the team went on was a stakeout mission. Reports had come in of a Yakuza smuggling ring near the Tokyo docks. All along the shadowy rooftops of the rundown warehouses and storage yards, Yoshi's team of ninja watched every Yakuza thug watching the place.

"It is as heavily guarded as we suspected." Saki whispered to Yoshi as they both perched on a shipping container. "Guards at every entrance into this place, patrols in teams of two rotating every hour. Whatever is going on in there, the Yakuza are guarding it very carefully."

"We need to find a way into the docks without raising suspicion." Yoshi ordered. "We cannot afford to be seen."

About that time, there was an odd noise coming from inside the docks. It sounded like a fight, and a very uneven one. Curious, Yoshi pulled a spyglass from his belt, focusing on where the noise had come from.

"What do you see, Yoshi?" Saki asked.

He focused as a figure darted into his line of sight. It was a young woman, one who looked quite scared, and a bit hurt. Her clothes were stained, and from the way the Yakuza were trying to grab her, they needed her alive.

"There is someone else down there." Yoshi explained. "An innocent woman."

"What?" Saki nearly exclaimed. "What is she doing there?"

"I fear she may be a prisoner, and that she is what is being smuggled."

The very idea made Saki's blood boil. He stood up, grasping his weapons so tightly his knuckles turned white.

"We must take action." Saki declared.

"Saki no-!"

Saki didn't have the chance to listen before jumping down towards the Yakuza. Once they saw the ninja land in front of them, the Yakuza thugs all drew their various guns and weapons, opening fire. Yoshi cursed, then contacted the rest of the team.

"Spread out!" he ordered. "A moving target is harder to hit!"

All the men nodded and spread out across the docks, Yoshi jumping down to protect Saki. As he was dispatching Yakuza thugs, he turned to Saki in anger.

"Our orders were reconnaissance only!" Yoshi exclaimed, his sword slicing through a Yakuza gun. "Now you have put our entire team in jeopardy."

"Would you rather an innocent life be lost to this evil?" Saki asked kicking away a Yakuza thug.

"While I understand your intentions, your rash actions may have endangered that innocent life, as well as everyone else's!"

Almost as if to prove his point, one of their team members took a bullet to the leg, one that send the poor guy falling off a rooftop and hard onto the concrete. Yoshi's eyes went wide as he darted towards his fallen comrade.

"Stay with me." He ordered. "You'll be alright."

One Yakuza attempted to aim his gun at the two of them, but was taken out by a fire extinguisher wielded by the woman Yoshi had seen.

"Some rescue this is." she joked, offering a hand.

Yoshi took it, rising to his feet and quickly pushing the woman behind him as a new thug came running at him with a large knife. He caught the man by the wrist and struck him on the neck taking him out.

"We are outnumbered and outflanked." Yoshi realized. "Foot ninja, disappear!"

The Foot Ninja then disappeared into the shadows, carrying their wounded along with them. Yoshi took the woman in his arms, escaping with her as well.

…

The injuries sustained during the botched mission were numerous. Many would no longer be able to serve as ninja while others would be lucky to live through the night. Needless to say, the Foot High Council was less than pleased.

"14 injured." One of the council members declared. "14, 5 of whom are lucky to even be alive!"

"Your actions tonight are unacceptable Saki." a second council member condemned.

"You disregarded the orders of your leader, put your entire team at risk, and you exposed yourself to the enemy!"

"I meant no ill will." Saki replied. "I meant to save lives tonight, not endanger them."

"Yes, the young woman you rescued." the fourth Councilor, the only female member, recalled. "While your intentions were noble, the fact remains that what you did caused more harm than good."

"... I have no excuse." Saki finally replied.

The council exchanged a few murmured words, then they turned back to Saki.

"Considering the crimes you have committed, we would be well within our right to expel you from the Foot Clan and cast you from our ranks." The first councilor declared. "However… Yoshi spoke on your defense and begged us to give you a second chance."

Saki's eyes went wide at that. Considering how angry Yoshi had been, he hadn't expected him to come to his defense.

"However, do not think this excuses you from punishment." The fifth councilor declared. "Until we say otherwise, you are to remain inside the fortress, and will be assigned regular guard duty, on top of other chores and duties we deem fit to assign you."

"I accept my punishment." Saki said resigned to his fate.

"Good." The second Councilor said with a nod. "Then your first assignment is simple."

He clapped twice and a door to the side opened, allowing for the woman they'd rescued from the docks enter.

"This is Tang Shen." The fourth councilor explained. "She will be staying in the fortress until we are certain that the Yakuza will not try and reclaim her. You will show her around, get her settled, and then have her meet with Miko so she can get acquainted with her future duties as a housekeeper."

"It will be done." Saki said bowing, and smiling.

He then walked over to Tang Shen.

"Shall we get started?" Saki asked offering her an arm.

With a smile, she took it. As they walked out of the room, Shen looked at Saki, blushing a bit.

"I was told I have you to thank for my rescue."

"Yes." Saki confirmed. "Though I may have been a bit brash in my going about it."

"Yes… I overheard..." she looked down. "You got into so much trouble for my sake."

"I could not let an innocent remain in the hands of those vile monsters." Saki told her. "It infuriates me how the Yakuza work like that. Treating human life like it was something to be bartered or sold. It disgusts me."

…

"Okay, I'm calling BS on that!" Raph exclaimed. "After what he made you-know-who do to Hisako!"

Hisako winced a bit at that as Splinter looked at his son.

"This was a different time." Splinter explained. "Before he let anger and hatred cloud his mind."

"How'd that happen?" Mikey asked.

"Allow me to continue…" Splinter replied.

…

Tang Shen adjusted to life in the fortress quite quickly. Her kind personality and her ability to see the good in everything made her a joy to be around. Many of the soldiers and guards grew instantly smitten with her, Saki and Yoshi being no exception. Saki was taking a walk around the garden when he saw Shen tending the flowers. He decided to walk over and talk to her.

"Shen." Saki greeted.

"Saki." Shen replied looking up.

"I just wanted to see how you were adjusting to life here." Saki told her.

"Very well, thank you." she told him, straightening up and wiping her hands on her skirt. "I could not have asked for a better place to call home."

"I'm so glad. Since you've been here, this place has never felt more like home."

Shen giggled slightly, looking up at the sky.

"With all the trees and flowers, I'm almost reminded of my home back in Kyoto."

"What was it like?"

She seemed to drift off a bit, smiling.

"Beautiful… especially in the spring. The sakura trees would blossom and the petals would fall like snow, blanketing the entire world in their rosy embrace."

Her face seemed to fall a bit.

"My father use to take me every spring to see them..." she said softly, a tear running down her face, "Until…. Until they came."

Saki placed a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her.

"I am sorry Shen." he said.

She wiped her eyes, then shook her head to clear her thoughts.

"It was years ago." She admitted, "Before the Yakuza killed him and took me… It was those memories that kept me from losing hope."

"That hope has made you strong in ways not many consider possible." Saki encouraged.

Shen smiled.

"Thank you Saki." she told him. "I could not have asked for a better friend."

Shen returned to her work and Saki returned to his duties. Leaning against a wall, Yoshi smiled, having overheard the entire conversation. As he thought about Tang Shen's words, he found himself getting an idea.

…

Later that day, Shen was cleaning the floors of the dojo when Yoshi walked in, nearly startling her. She gasped in surprise, nearly throwing her cleaning cloth across the room. Yoshi intercepted it, handing it back to her.

"Can't lose this now can you?" He joked.

"Yoshi!" Shen exclaimed, breathing a sigh of relief. "I know that stealth is key to your profession, but give a girl some warning next time."

"My apologies." Yoshi replied. "I merely wished to talk to you. And to ask you something."

"Go ahead." Shen assured him, taking the cloth from Yoshi. "But I must continue working. These dojo floors look like they've never been cleaned."

"It is just…" Yoshi began. "The cherry blossoms are in bloom tonight, and I was hoping you would do me the honor of joining me to see them."

Shen stopped mid swipe of her cloth, looking up at Yoshi.

"The cherry blossom?" she repeated. "How did you-? Did Saki tell you?"

"I only overheard." Yoshi admitted. "I thought you would enjoy it. Was I wrong?"

Shen gave a small smile.

"It… has been awhile since I last saw them." she admitted. "It would be nice to see them again."

"So may I take that as a yes?" Yoshi asked.

Shen nodded.

"Yes." she told him. "I'll be ready at 7."

"I will see you then."

He walked of, closing the door behind him. Once he had, he punched the air in excitement, silently cheering.

…

That night, Yoshi approached Tang Shen's room, more nervous than he had ever been on any mission or training exercise. He felt as though a swarm of butterflies were fluttering in his stomach. Slowly, he raised his fist to knock. Just as he was about to knock, the door opened.

Tang Shen stood in the doorway, her long black hair tied up in a bun and held there by a pair of ivory chopsticks. She wore a gorgeous pink kimono decorated in cherry blossoms and other spring flowers. She'd painted her lips and was smiling shyly.

"Am I overdressed?" she asked.

"You look beautiful." Yoshi answered.

Shen blushed at the compliment. Yoshi then offered his arm, which Shen graciously took as he escorted her out of the fortress. They walked through the gates, Shen looking back in surprise.

"I know you said we were going to see the sakura blossoms, but I figured you meant the trees in the Fortress. Are you sure it is safe to leave?"

"We will be fine." Yoshi reassured her. "I will never let any harm befall you."

Shen smiled as the two continued walking. They soon reached a large park, one filled with almost two dozen sakura trees. Shen's eyes went wide as the light of the setting sun illuminated the falling petals.

"Do you like it?" Yoshi asked.

Shen's eyes lit up like fireworks at the sight, smiling brighter than Yoshi had seen her do since her arrival.

"It's absolutely amazing..." she gasped, "I'd almost forgotten how beautiful it was"

Yoshi was delighted to see Shen so happy. Eyeing a sakura on a nearby branch, he plucked it and placed it behind Shen's ear. Her hand went up to her ear, her fingers brushing against the petals of the flower as she pulled it from her hair. Giving it a sniff, she slid it back into place, looking up at Yoshi.

"Thank you..." she told him, happy tears running down her face, "From the bottom of my heart, thank you."

"Of course. I would do anything for you Shen."

They stared into each other's' eyes for a few moments, then Yoshi decided to go for it. He leaned forward and kissed her on the lips. Shen was taken aback by this at first, but didn't object. Shen then returned the kiss, the two practically melting into each other's embrace.

…

"Smooth moves Sensei." Mikey complimented. "A kiss on the first date."

Splinter chuckled at the remark.

"Well…" he simply said.

"So what happened next?" Leo asked.

"My courtships with Shen continued." Splinter explained. "And during this time, I thought of little else but her. I was so blinded by love that I did not see the anger and jealousy that had taken root inside of my old friend."

…

Saki and Yoshi were in the dojo for their daily training. They traded blows at a surprising speed, neither able to land a hit due to the other's quick reflexes. Though their little battle was intense, Yoshi had a large grin plastered on his face, one that did not go unnoticed by Saki.

"You seem unnaturally cheerful today, Yoshi." He noted, a tinge of something off in his voice.

"I've never been happier." Yoshi noted, bringing his arm up to block an attack. "I just can't stop thinking about Shen."

Saki's teeth clenched a bit at the mention of Shen's name. He attempted a grab at Yoshi, but Yoshi side stepped, trapping Saki's arm behind him.

"Is that so?" Saki hissed, twisting in order to free his arm.

"Indeed." Yoshi told him, reforming his stance. "She makes me feel like I could take on the entire world, and I would if she asked me to."

Saki scowled as he deflected another one of Yoshi's strikes.

"You two have been… close since the spring festival." He begrudgingly admitted.

"We have become more than close my friend." Yoshi told him. "I intent to ask for her hand in marriage."

Something inside Saki snapped as he grabbed Yoshi's arm and flipped him onto the ground, twisting it. Yoshi let out a yelp of pain, struggling in Saki's grip as he felt his arm being dislocated, the muscles burning. Finally, Saki snapped out of his trance and let go of Yoshi's arm. Yoshi got to his feet, rubbing his arm in pain.

"That was…. Extreme, Saki." Yoshi said, grunting a bit in pain.

"My apologies Yoshi." Saki replied. "I guess I just got caught up in the moment."

Yoshi chuckled, doing his best to make light of the situation.

"Well, at least now you can finally say you bested me." he joked.

"Indeed." Saki concurred. "So you and Shen…."

"I am taking her to Kyoto." He explained, still rubbing his arm. "Her family had a temple there, one left untouched by the Yakuza. There, we will start our life together."

As he said that, a chuckle graced Yoshi's lips. Saki was excessively put off by this, but he attempted to hide it.

"I am… glad for you."

"You know, it is funny." Yoshi commented. "Though you have received great pains for the actions you took that fateful night, had you not disobeyed our orders, Shen would not be here. In a way, I owe you my happiness Saki."

Saki clenched his fist upon hearing that.

"So it would seem."

Yoshi looked at his arm, wincing a bit.

"Perhaps I should go see a healer about this." He mused. "Do not worry though. I will tell them it was an accident."

"Yes, go my friend." Saki agreed. "And enjoy your happiness with Tang Shen."

As Yoshi walked out of the dojo, he barely heard his old friend muttering under his breath.

…

Tang Shen and Yoshi were married in a grand ceremony beneath the sakura blossoms. Their honeymoon was one to remember, and it wasn't long before Shen was with child. They both sat under the stars, Shen rubbing her slightly swollen stomach with a look of contentment.

"Which do you think it is, Yoshi?" she asked. "A boy, or a girl?"

"I would love it either way." Yoshi replied.

Shen chuckles a bit, leaning against him.

"If it is a girl, I want to name her Miwa." She mused, going over the name in her head. "Hamato Miwa..."

"And if it is a boy?" Yoshi asked.

Shen's smile grew bigger.

"When I was a little girl, I loved the renaissance period, especially the different artwork." she told him. "My four favorite artists were Leonardo Da Vinci, Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo."

…

"Oh so that's where we got our names." Mikey discovered.

"Yes it is." Splinter agreed. "Stop interrupting."

…

"I think those are all wonderful names." Yoshi told her, smiling down at her.

Shen smiled as well, then sat forward a bit, holding her stomach.

"Seems they've already inherited their father's warrior spirit." Shen joked. "I best go lie down."

Yoshi kissed her forehead, then Shen walked into the temple they were staying in, leaving Yoshi to look up at the stars. As he looked out into the night, a figure emerged from the woods surrounding the temple. Sensing their presence, Yoshi reached for the blade always at his side. However, when the figure emerged from the darkness, Yoshi let out a sigh of relief.

"Saki, you scared me." he called out, removing his hand from his sword.

Saki said nothing as he just stood there. Yoshi took note of the two sets of bladed claws on his hands.

"Saki, is something wrong?" He asked, walking down to meet his friend.

"... I have come to collect what belongs to me." Saki told him.

Yoshi's eyes went wide, his hand instinctively resting on the hilt of his sword.

"Saki? What are you talking about?"

"It is as you said, 'old friend'," Saki practically spat. "You owe your happiness to me."

With that, he charged forward at Yoshi, who quickly drew his sword and blocked the claws. Yoshi quickly shoved Saki back, looking at him in confusion.

"Why do you attack me?" he demanded. "We are aniki, brothers!"

"We were never blood!" Saki yelled pressing the attack.

From inside the temple, Tang Shen could be heard calling out in confusion.

"Yoshi? Is everything alright?"

"Shen! Stay inside! I will handle this!" Yoshi shouted back.

Saki continued dealing strikes to Yoshi, who was only barely able to deflect them. Finally, Saki kicked Yoshi into the temple, sending him crashing through the door. As Yoshi got up, Saki came in for another strike. Yoshi quickly grabbed Saki's arm and shoved him against a wall.

"We have fought side by side for years! We risk life and limb together! Why do you throw all that away now?"

"The only thing I am throwing away is the shade I have lived in for so long." Saki spat back. "Gaining nothing but coming up second to the great Hamato Yoshi!"

"All this because I continued to best you when we sparred?" Yoshi questioned.

Saki then shoved him off and came in close for the strike, which Yoshi barely dodged.

"Because you continue to take everything from me!" Saki yelled "Leadership, respect of the council, and now Tang Shen! Well no more!"

Saki then kicked Yoshi to the ground. Yoshi kept crawling away as Saki continued stabbing at the ground. Yoshi finally brought up his sword to block the claws. By this time, the noise had drawn Tang Shen from her room. She emerged into where they were fighting, clutching her swollen stomach.

"Saki?" She questioned in shock. "What are you doing here?"

Saki looked up to see Shen clutching her stomach. He had a pretty good idea of what that meant, and it enraged him even more. He then kneed Yoshi in the face and leapt up prepared to deliver the final blow. Shen's eyes went wide as she ran to block the blow.

"Saki, no!" she screamed.

It was too late. Saki brought the claw down right on Shen's face. She clutched her face in pain, blood dripping from her fingers as she fell to the ground. Yoshi was by her side in an instant, checking to make sure she and their child were alright, Saki slowly got up, barely able to comprehend what had happened. He then turned to Yoshi even more enraged than before.

"You! You did this!" Saki yelled. "You turned her against me!"

Yoshi stood, placing himself between Shen and Saki.

"No. You did that yourself."

Now on the offensive, Yoshi struck first. Saki deflected the strike and knocked him away.

"I will not let you take her from me!" Saki yelled running at him.

Yoshi got out of the way as Saki sliced some candles behind him. The candles fell to the ground and started igniting the tatami mats like kindling. The old wooden temple was soon engulfed in flames, weakening the structure by the second. Shen, still clutching her bloody face, saw the oncoming flames and new time was of the essence.

"Yoshi! Saki! The temple is lost! We must flee!"

Yoshi and Saki were still clashing, though the former could see that Shen's words were true.

"Saki, if this pointless battle continues we will both perish!"

Saki just growled and shoved Yoshi back. However, before either of them could do anything, part of the ceiling caved in, separating the two of them. Yoshi's eyes went wide as Saki disappeared behind a wall of flames. He stood there in shock before Shen took his arm, pulling him to safety.

Once the two of them were safely out of harm's way, they both stared at the burning building in shock and horror, holding each other close.

"Saki..." Yoshi whispered, his voice filled with grief.

"We cannot stay here." Shen told him. "When the council hears what has occurred this night-"

She couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence, but she didn't have to.

"We must leave Japan." Yoshi declared, holding Shen and placing a hand on her stomach.

"Yes." Shen agreed. "We can go to America. I've always wanted to visit New York."

"Then that is where we will go." Yoshi decided.

He led Shen away from the burning temple, never looking back.

…

"After that, Shen and I came here." Splinter continued. "I opened a small dojo, Miwa was born, and for three wonderful years, we were a happy family."

Everyone just stared in awe. Then a question came to Leo.

"Hang on, Sensei." he said. "You said that you left Saki behind in the temple."

"I did." Splinter agreed. "I thought he had perished that night, but it would seem he has survived."

"But that still doesn't explain Karai." Raph interjected. "I mean, you said he seemed to get even madder after seeing Shen pregnant."

"That is true, but I think I know why Saki took Miwa." Splinter answered. "Saki believed that Shen should have been his, and he no doubt also believed that her child should have been his. When he believed me dead in the accident, he saw his chance to take what he believed was rightfully his."

"And took Karai, raising her to believe the lies that he did." Donny surmised.

"Exactly." Splinter agreed. "I can only pray that it is not too late to right the wrongs done to her by Saki's treachery."