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catchingbigfish · 4 months ago

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writeblr re-introduction | catchingbigfish

hi! call me elle (they/she). i'm in my 30s, work adjacent to the legal field in my day job, and i'm studying for my MA in english! i post more about my life over at my main, @prettytothink-so, which is also the account i follow from!

i'm a david lynch obsessive, hence the url/pfp, but i love death bed: the bed that eats as much as i do blue velvet. my primary literary influences are shirley jackson, carmen maria machado, janet fitch, confessional poets, and more recently, a healthy dose of knausgaard.

i write prose & poetry with a heavy emphasis on the body, the darker sides of life, and relationships. my fiction is character-centric, driven by ensemble casts of weird and fucked up people, and characters tend to go through exquisite and grotesque things like body horror, warped and broken time, hauntings, posessions, and sex. my work is definitely 18+ and i try not to engage with minors.

i'd love to get to know other writers, esp if you write/read any of the following:

dysfunctional relationships (particularly with ensemble casts and found or of-origin families)

horror and gothic literature

body horror, nightmares, and dream logic

romance, including sex, and relationships, esp. in horror themes

i like to say i'm always open to ask + tag games, but i'm most likely to respond to an ask game than a tag! if you wanna know more about my wips, see below the cut:

click the titles for the wip intros!

conversion

status: w/ beta readers short synopsis: Rosalyn arrives to the U for her MFA in fashion-making and falls into a group of sick women artists bonded by a disputed diagnosis. She starts faking it to fit in, finds the friendships she'd always wanted, and ends up with a choice between the unthinkable and her new ride-or-die crew.

dark academia/litfic/cult novel. this project has had me in a chokehold for 18+ months and it's the most fun i've ever had writing something. stay tuned for my query journey, coming to you probably near the end of this year!

might've been, never was

status: drafting (~10%) short synopsis: Lily and her friends thought their thirties would be different. They find a way to adopt new bodies, but one of them takes it too far, and the rest have to decide whether to stop her or join in.

a satire in the same vein as conversion. currently vying with the next two WIPs for main focus while betas work through conversion. project playlist is 2 songs: teen idle and celebrity skin. the closest i'll ever come to autofiction because the idea to write "a love letter to being mentally ill in your 30s" came up when i was a teensy bit manic.

seed of the woman

status: drafting (~33%) short synopsis: A woman goes on a Christian yoga retreat hoping to return to some sense of her self. Instead, she's bitten by a snake and goes on a tour through the choices that led her here.

body horror/religious horror novella. probably actually my primary focus. nightmare/dream-logic story that's my latest attempt to write something explaining how rational and reasonable a choice it would be for a woman to choose satan over god.

the awakening re-telling

status: drafting short synopsis: The Awakening by Kate Chopin, but set it in the modern Quiverfull movement/fundamentalist Christianity circles.

i've called this the awakening x duggars but it's not really about them; i'm just obsessed with the religious theme lately

so it goes

status: hiatus, midway through second draft short synopsis: A multigenerational saga about women who see Death.

my trunk novel/magnum opus. will probably never finish. about sex, death, what we fill the void with when we let go of religion, the violence of inherited trauma, and the bridge between two states of being

#writeblr intro #about elle

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mulders-too-large-shirt · 5 months ago

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s2 episode 10 thoughts

woohoo! this episode has "museum" in the title and i love museums! but it also talks about cults in the description and i'm less keen on those

update: there were no real museums :( i feel lied to and cheated

we open on some cows. i was admiring their cuteness and their wonderful sounds by writing "moo" in my notes before we get a JUMPSCARE to a beef processing plant which. augh. unpleasant. i do not care for meat related story lines.

we see this woman working at the processing facility and she comes home to her kids and no husband in sight (a single mom who works two jobs, who loves her kids and never stops, iktr)

and she's getting in the shower but we see some fellow with glasses is WATCHING her. the question is from where and how?!? oh very creepy!!!

then the older brother leaves and we find him in the morning stripped to his underwear in the woods and whimpering. and his back is covered in writing.

so naturally my first thought was "what does this have to do with the meat? or did they just jumpscare me with unrelated meat imagery?"

(we later learn that it is, in fact, related. but this all happened before the title sequence even aired, so i was a little suspicious!)

cut to our beloved duo. mulder says this waking up in the woods with writing on the back and no memory thing has happened to a bunch of other kids. and scully's like "but why does this interest you?" and he says the sheriff claims they're being possessed which does seem up his alley

they're in the car with the sheriff and mulder was a gentleman and let scully sit in the front <3 he said my queen, you have endured so much, and motion sickness shall not be one of your troubles

at this point i realized the earlier meat scenes WERE related because the sheriff is introducing this new religious cult, who are vegetarians and bought a ton of cows to keep as pets. cows are cute but a bit large for pets in my opinion.

next they SHARE AN UMBRELLA on the way to the church's sermon thingy

okay so the leader is typing while someone reads his words which is certainly a presentation style. they all wear red turbans. and scully says she doesn't think they seem like the type to get involved in all this. she wanted them to be innocent so she could pet their cows. i'm onto you.

mulder hears a few lines of their chanting and says that these are "walk-ins'', which means the people think enlightened beings are controlling their bodies. okay theological king!

they go to talk to the boy who was in the woods in his underwear and man. we get this shot of mulder in the back. and his coat. is so comically large. i had to pause. take a deep breath. and remember the origins of my url.

the teenager says he thinks he was maybe possessed by an animal spirit or something, he doesn't know, and scully's sleuthing around the house when she discovers a child (the teenager's brother) and they are having a chat (again how much of this work involves talking to children) but SOMEONE is WATCHING THEM and it is CREEPY!!

cutscene to the pair eating ribs together and scully has sauce on her face and mulder wipes it off for her. and i squeaked. a squeak emerged from my body. look what they've driven me to. i am a woman with dignity squeaking over a rib date.

and why did they both look so good? but i was especially admiring mulder, in his silly little rib eating fit, explain the cult's reasoning behind a new spirit taking over the bodies of those who lost hope. i was embarrassed at myself for how attractive i found him. but then i remembered there are a lot of people who have probably been in a similar situation. so thank u for following this blog so i feel less alone in that manner.

oh nooo a bunch of kids are being mean to one of the church members on the side of the road... mulder gets up to intervene and tells them to gtfo (we love a man that stands for morals and justice)

the lead bully is ANGRY and sees scully come out and says "why don't you run along with the little wife" in her direction which is exactly what i have been saying but no one listens to me.

(neither of them seem to care that this happened which makes me think it's not the first time such words have been tossed in their direction)

and he's all "my father will hear about this" because the girl notices scully has a gun and gasp. he's the sheriff's son! so mulder's like "yeah i think he WOULD like to know about this" and they beat it

there's a moment where scully says it's hard to know who is in the wrong without having a scorecard, implying that keeping up with small town drama is impossible, and mulder is gazing at her. like GAZING at her. i think he heard the wife suggestion and was seriously mulling it over.

then the sheriff's son is making out with this girl for a time i considered far too long. but she goes back to where she lives and she sees a dog! a very cute dog! she appears to know this dog and goes to visit when BAM! dog-related kidnapping occurs :(

she ends up down to her underwear in the woods and she's hallucinating a giant crow eating her and also being swarmed with bugs which seems deeply unpleasant

scully does a check up on her because she is a DOCTOR and you had best not forget it! she seems fine... except... weird chemical in blood... a chemical you'd need to be some sort of doctor to know about... and we see the cult leader used to be a doctor before getting kicked out of the doctor world... it's not looking great for him

they pay him a visit but he won't let them enter his place because they will defile the sacredness of the space with their meat-eating aura. and then all of the members of the church swarm our duo's car and OHH it was creepy. but they manage to bring him into the station for questioning.

they're trying to ask him about the weird chemicals and he's going on about the injustice of eating cows and at this point the sheriff starts screaming at the guy. and mulder has to escort the sheriff out and tell him to be normal.

he says something about the guy starting a lot of trouble for being a holy man and i was thinking to myself. famously holy men DO cause a lot of trouble. this is perfectly on brand.

so then the rest of the church members were protesting outside of the bbq restaurant where our besties recently ate. and the sheriff's son comes out and throws COW BLOOD on them. he took his notes from carrie i see. the sheriff is PISSED and wrangles him up.

while all of this is going down, a strange man is beckoning to scully. and i am of the opinion that strange men beckoning to women should be avoided, but this is what separates me from the fbi agents of the world, because she goes over and he says he wants to show them something

at this point, the score to the show was going hard. i was jamming out. it was really getting dramatic as they rode over to some place and then got out of the car.

this strange man is talking about how he used to own this land, but he sold it and got rich, and he's saying that the new people inject the cows with stuff. i felt as if this episode was trying to make me a lil vegan.

scully's talking about how growth hormone is safe but the guy is not buying whatever the government has to say on the subject. and yeah like scully the government did just take you for a while so maybe they're actually lying? who knows. she went to med school and i didn't. frankly i don't want anything extra in my cow

we see the glasses of the man who was watching them earlier doing some cow injections! the amount of red flags here is staggering...

at this point, our regularly scheduled plot is interrupted by an excellent (and by that, of course, i mean entirely unrealistic) CGI helicopter crash that had be yelling at the screen. i LOVE 90's CGI it always fills me with whimsy. like sorry i know this was a serious scene but it looked funny and i laughed!!!

the two people on the helicopter are dead, and one of them was a doctor, who was found with a briefcase full of cash and a mysterious liquid... hmm..

mulder enters the room. "scully? you're not gonna believe this"

YESSSS! he said the LINE! i had seen it meme'd into my vocabulary far before i had ever decided to watch this show, or even had any idea what it was referring to. i would just mumble "scully, you're never gonna believe this" to myself whenever i learned any surprising information. for at least the last 5 years or so. so this felt very full circle to me. he did it.

he also proceeds to say something that scully can, in fact believe, because she already figured it out herself

so here's the situation: the doctor was treating a bunch of kids, including all of those who had gone into a frenzy in the woods. but what is the through-line here...?

we see glasses man again and then a RANDOM FARMER IS SHOT DEAD!

they go back to the house of the mom and the kids, and she's like yeah my son was getting vitamin shots from that guy. man i hate to tell you but i think there was more than vitamins in those shots. but mulder is... distracted by something.

there's a light coming from the bathroom mirror and he realizes there's something behind it. so he wraps his hand up and PUNCHES IT (bad luck be upon him for 7 years)

he finds what he refers to as a "private little movie studio" with a running camera and a TON of vhs tapes... nasty!!! not good!!!

cutscene to the sheriff's son, who has undergone a kidnapping and has not woken up! sheriff is naturally in deep distress. it turns out that he was actually murdered.

the car of our duo passes that of the gunman who shot that random farmer and scully realizes she knows that face... and i'm thinking that it did not look familiar at all. maybe it's someone she went to school with?

mulder is interrogating the video man, and he's getting real rough with him. he smacks him on the head, which is justified considering he was filming people in their home, but i do worry that mulder's interrogation violence will someday get him fired. the dude swears up and down that he did NOT kill them, but he did do the kidnapping and writing, because the doctor was experimenting on those kids and turning them into "monsters"

scully makes a connection... the gunman she saw before... was the FELLOW THAT KILLED DEEP THROAT???!!!! she has to excuse herself from the room at this revelation

mulder is deep in interrogation mode and the glasses slash video guy is saying that the doctor paid people- himself included- to inject the cows with a mystery substance, and that he must have been doing it to the kids he was treating as well

scully's back in the room and her and mulder are so close. so close. there is no reason for them to be that close. but here they are.

she says the stuff in the bottle was unidentifiable. that's actually not what she says, she said something about the number of proteins it had, and that means nothing to me but mulder goes OFF. he takes her outside the room and starts yelling at her about this meaning something.

here, at this moment, is where i realize what was happening: deep throat had mentioned to scully how they were dealing with people so cruel that they injected alien dna into kids. and i was putting 2 and 2 together JUST AS our main characters were. which honestly i feel like i should have picked up on that earlier but i hone in on character details and not alien details so sue me.

anyway mulder is absolutely gagged. he's yelling about "deep throat dying for this", and scully looks super super scared. he tells her to head out and that he wants this gunman taken alive

next we see him knock on the door of the... cult leader?!?! yes, you heard me right! mulder explains that he KNOWS it might offend this dude's religion, but he needs help. and so all of the kids and the families involved with the secret alien injection are taken to the barn where these people worship. tensions are boiling.

scully asks the sheriff where mulder is and he says that he left because he thought he knew where the gunman was. and this was not part of the plan, the splitting up and going to an undisclosed location! but i can imagine that this was deeply personal for him on the levels of 1. having lost deep thoat 2. having lost his sister and requesting any information pertaining to aliens and 3. these were the folks that kidnapped him at the end of s1 so. he had some scores to settle.

he goes to the beef processing plant, where he finds a TON of gasoline poured all over the floor. now, if i were mulder, being both deathly afraid of fire and also generally concerned with my life, i would have gotten tf out of there. but i am not mulder, and he keeps going on his quest to find this man.

gunman launches a sneak attack from behind a cow. which is not a bad place for a dramatic stakeout/fight scene but boy i'd hate to be there irl. and things are looking tough for mulder, who gets off his feet, only to be locked inside the building while this dude gets his lighter. he's about to drop it when...

scully walks in! with backup! she's got her gun pointed at him and he's wavering but the sheriff shoots him like 800 times. because he was the one that must have killed his son, so it was deeply personal. he's crying while doing this.

mulder stands over his body so sadly, knowing that he will never get the information he wants

scully concludes the episode by writing her case report, talking about how the kids who were infected have started getting sick. none of the kids from the church were infected, so it seems they were a control group. so in that case, the cult leader would have to have been in on this whole thing! oh, it's dramatic

but wait! if our duo had so recently eaten the infected meat, does that mean they are susceptible to aliens in their blood? and who knows who else ate the meat that was shipped out all around the country! aliens could be running rampant!

(i don't think that is actually the case- i'd have to imagine eating alien protein once is a lot different than getting it injected in you regularly for your whole life. but still. could complicate an already complicated situation. i mean, they've already endured evil cocoon bugs, exposure to that fungal virus, scully's coma... their doctors must be baffled at their medical history)

anyway, pretty good episode! i wish i could explain the joy that crossed my face when he said the line. and when they had a little rib date. oh man i needed that. that was good for me. i'll pass on meat imagery, like always, but it was interesting how they built this episode out of that one line in the s1 finale- or that they had planned it that way from the start. i didn't think we'd ever see what that whole process looked like! and it's good to get more info on our late friend deep throat. i still don't fully believe he's dead. you have to keep some suspicions on these things in sci fi.

#been years since i've eaten meat but this episode would have definitely turned me off the idea #and i think there is another meat related episode coming up #by any chance is chris carter a vegan. am i enduring subliminal messaging.#sorry my brain is still tackling rib date. rib date you are so special to me. gentle intimacy i will always love you #also her being called his wife and neither of them reacting LMAO surely they'll have to go undercover and use that excuse at some point #and i'll be sat here waiting for that very moment!#juni's x files liveblog #the x files #txf

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aroceu · 26 days ago

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some thoughts on leaving a social media website...again

as of 10/16/2024, twitter has announced its intention to implement a new feature into the platform: instead of blocking allowing you to block certain accounts from viewing your profile if it's public, it now just... doesn't do that anymore. it only limits interaction. though this certainly isn't a surprise with musk's twitter rollouts since 2021—when i first saw people start to trickle out—this, in particular, breaks a lot of users boundaries and has prompted many to private their accounts and move to bluesky.

i'm in support of this, btw—the ceo of bsky is strongly opposed to ever running any sort of ads on the site ("won't enshittify the network with ads"), doesn't use any blockchain technology, and has a culture where supplying alt text on images is the norm. your main timeline is in reverse-chronological order (like intended), but there are other separate options to create a custom algorithmic feed for certain types of content, only if you wish to. though bsky is a work in progress, i have high hopes for what it can be in the future: that is, usable, practical, and more reminiscent of what it was like when twitter first started, than how twitter currently is.

but despite my love for bluesky, i won't spend too much time glazing yet another microblogging platform. instead, i'm here to ponder the concept of social media: why we have it, why we use it, and why these moves happen in the first place. people have been trickling in and out of twitter ever since the richest and evilest man in the world took possession of it; especially in a fandom sense, there's been a back and forth between twitter and tumblr due to tumblr's former porn ban, as well. we all have principles and morals that guide the decisions we make, including what websites we decide to use. they speak to a pattern of not only our culture as people at any given time—but how these platforms have the power to implement these changes whenever they want. and we, as individuals, must make decisions both based on those principles, but also our desires to fit in.

i'll start off by saying this—eventually i'm going to start talking about what social media means for creatives. but there is in fact an extremely well-written article about this already that goes into more detail. if you're more interested in that, let me direct you there first: R U AN ARTIST ON SOCIAL MEDIA??? by omoulo

with that out of the way, let's talk about me, shall we?

i got onto the internet through geocities—crazy sentence to say now after all these years. of course, i played neopets and flash games like many other kids, but that was mostly through knowing those websites and urls existed, and preserving them in my mind so i could return to them for some mindless minutes of entertainment later. geocities was my first introduction to the creative, user-designed web, so to speak. instead of being a number to interact with a thing that someone else has made—a flash game, a youtube video, a website where you can collect fictional pets—the idea of geocities to me at the time was this idea of participating on the internet. being a part of it. writing whatever i wanted and posting it. sharing the link with others. having others find it and read it too—a part of me, my method of creative self-expression, whatever i desired to write and post on the less than permanent internet.

my best friend at the time was the one who needled me into creating accounts—first an email address, then an AIM, then a myspace, then an IMVU, so on and so forth. i wasn't going out looking for these, and though i'd heard of them before or seen ads of some of these sites, i wasn't interested in actually being on these platforms and making these accounts until my friend told me that i should. call me a people pleaser or easily influenced or whatever; i was 12. but it was through this link sharing, this naivety and ignorance of the vastness of the internet, that allowed me to be fascinated with the world wide web in the first place.

i usually cite quizilla as my first "fandom" website, because it was—but it wasn't because i found it by accident. it wasn't that i googled it or looked for a personality test and stumbled upon it. no, it's because i was chatting with a friend on AIM, and she had found some crazy chain letter story and shared it to me for how absurd it was, and sent me the link. it was on quizilla.

literally the moment i clicked that link changed my life forever. even though i read the crazy story, i also clicked on the username of the person who posted it, out of curiosity. that person had jonas brothers fanfics on their quizilla profile, of all things, which led me into an obsession with the jonas brothers in the 2 years that followed. through that link—that account—that platform—i got a lot more interested in writing, webdesign, and what it meant to be on the internet, not just as a numbered participant, but also as someone with an imagination, who finds fulfillment in creative expression. i wrote the longest thing i'd ever written in that time (30k of a self-insert, but we won't go into that), began to experiment with css and website design, and participated, sharing stuff that i thought was interesting or fun, worth 5 minutes of anyone's time.

the internet wasn't just about being a place where my presence didn't matter anymore—it became a medium of self-expression. more than that, it became a place where i could meet and socialize with people, especially as i developed avpd in my high school years.

the internet wasn't always like this. right now, when we talk about the internet, we don't talk about the random websites we find, the links we stumble upon. (i have an entire website dedicated to those for me, though.) the games we spend hours playing, by ourselves, without interacting with others. random personality tests, or just simply the news. we talk about google, but in the same way we talk about facebook, or even twitter. it's a verb; it's omnipresent; it exists within the context of our internet culture, but becomes meaningless outside of it. it's not to say it doesn't have meaning—but that the language we use represents our relationship with it, this assumed normalcy. this assumed dependence.

i bring up my own history because as young as i feel compared to many of my older internet friends, and how late to the game i always felt—i was there. i was there on the internet before twitter (since 2009), tumblr (since 2010), facebook (i lied about my age), bluesky now, and whatever will come in the future. i was there when people were saying that the internet was still being written; when websites were made with tables (eugh); when email was the primary way to connect with others, because irc was for nerds and nothing else had been invented yet.

i'm a big advocate for not looking at the past with rose colored glasses and getting caught up in nostalgia and greener grass. i believe that technology is not inherently harmful or bad—it creates more options for accessibility, especially for those who are disabled. and even outside of that, it allows us to learn about more people, communicate with others with a few keystrokes, and form relationships that we otherwise would never get to have. i don't want this to seem like i'm saying "man remember how good the internet used to be?" because i'm not—i believe that as things change, there are benefits as much as there are hindrances.

of course, it bears saying that the primary hindrance—of current twitter, of many platforms over the years, and the internet with increasing recency—is corporations. big money interests. capitalism.

it's why we get so tired of ads—it's why ads exist in the first place. it's why these social media platforms that used to feel like they were made by the same people who would use them (livejournal, youtube, twitter) have suddenly become these soulless impersonal websites. it becomes more obvious that they want you to use them more because they sell you on exclusivity and visual minimalism, rather than because that's where your friends are, and you have this unique way to express yourself.

in fact, i'll say this: the first time i learned about facebook when i was too young to use it, i was not impressed. i had a myspace at the time that i had dolled up to make pretty with sparkly gifs and obnoxious colors and weird fonts. when i saw how boring and samey everyone's facebook profile page was, i was like, what's the point? sure i could talk to my classmates and random other people in my life that i didn't really care about, but what about making myself different from others? what about my creative expression? what about having an account that makes me look unique, instead of blending in with everyone else?

and so here i am nearly two decades later pondering about the use of social media, our individuality as well as our collective interests, and how the internet has changed so much, both in itself and how it affects us, in that time.

i'm here because i want to talk to my friends and meet new people with common interests and get excited about them. i don't want to feel left out, but that's a normal experience—outside of fomo, it is in our core to connect with others. it's the whole meaning of everything. it's why i even made an email in the first place, in my basement with my best friend, secretly setting up a yahoo account because she wanted another way to talk to me, and i wanted another way to talk to her. it's why people have been leaving twitter little by little for another site—the same site as many others, because that's where all their friends are. whether it's bsky or mastodon or misskey or just back here on tumblr, we're here not just because of our desire for community, but even as simple as our desire for a bond, a relationship with another human being. to me, that is how "social media" is defined—a medium through which we socialize because of this innate desire.

and yet, of course the enshittification and corporatification makes this more difficult for us, in ways more than one. because the fact is that as we (as people) became better at using the internet, finished writing it, and understood it—psychologically and sociologically—so did the corporations. or advertisers, you take your pick. we, the everypeople who use the internet as means to fulfill our social and other self-indulgent desires, are not the only people here. as with many things else in the world, the internet turned from an unpredictable but fun mess of us figuring shit out as we went along, into a product designed to keep us using it and engaging with it more, so some rich people can put even more money into their pockets. it's why twitter is the way it is now; even why tumblr is the way it is. why social media has become about "content creation" and "small businesses." why it feels like, every day, we see more ads and AI generated bullshit, as a little bit of the original soul of the internet gets sucked away day by day.

but even there, i don't want to come across as cynical or world-weary. though i believe this to be true, i don't think it says anything about our lack of agency, or our lack of innate humanity. instead, i believe that this means, at least on the individual level, that we should think more about not only what we're doing on the internet, but why we're doing it. how we're doing it. are we here because we're addicted? or is there something we're getting out of it? sure, many websites now have more addictive UI and algorithms that tell the receptors of our brain to return to them because we were getting so much dopamine from them earlier. but i also wouldn't necessarily argue that the only solution to this is to, then, go offline.

i have many friends who've elected to depart social media but stay online—friends who i met through website building, to be fair, but that's one of my main points. i already wrote a manifesto on my love letter to the personal website; but the tl;dr is this:

the internet is not evil, it is not good, it is just a form. if we desire to express ourselves and socialize with others in this space, it does not have to be just about social media, and creating a new account on a new website every time people move. instead, we have personhood—we have individuality, we have agency. we have the ability to build our own websites, no matter how shitty or times new roman comic sansy or color clashy or sometimes inaccessible they can be. regardless of all these seeming impractical setbacks though, it does not absolve us of that ability to do whatever we want on the internet. and it also bears saying that websites, both the personal and impersonal, can change over time, for better or worse.

i am a huge proponent for people making their own personal websites. it makes me so so happy that neocities is gaining popularity, mostly because i love seeing people try their own hand at making a website for themselves, a new form of self-expression. i won't go into too much detail on this because i've already said everything i want to say about it (see above), but if you take away anything from this post, let it be this: consider making a personal website, a corner of the internet, for yourself, by yourself. not just because you want people to engage with it, or because you want to curate to an algorithm or an artistic/fannish trend. not because you want the things you make to gain traction, to get bigger numbers without considering the people behind those numbers, as soon as possible.

do it because you want to. because you have to. because you think it's cool, and because it's you. people may find it and judge it; but they may like it as well. the more unique and authentic and weird we are with each other, the more we are able to appreciate each other for who we really are. the internet is one of many places we can do this.

i don't really see these forms of self-expression separate from social media, but i do see social media separate from it. to me, social media is a vehicle to strengthen those connections, those relationships, much like DMs and IRCs; but it is not the be-all, end all of the internet. it's only a small part of it. not everything is permanent on the internet; but everything that ever has been online is a microcosm of the human experience, whether it's an old cloudflare site or twitter dot com in 2010.

our experiences on the internet are not about corporate interests. it's about using limewire to download pirate music, sharing random links we find, building a design that may not be practical or universally appealing but still represents a form of individuality. when i think of how the internet has grown, i don't think about what it means for companies or advertisers or what meetings must go on to get people like me to keep using it—i think about remembering the difference between addicting games dot com and addicted games dot com, clicking links on websites to find even more websites, sitting at the family computer and deciding if i wanted to spend hours on neopets or that one willy wonka flash game i grinded like several hours on one night when i was 7. i think about what it's always meant to me, because the internet was not always a centralized place where i was going on the same website every day. the rise of internet centralization to the point that it's become expected, the norm, the primary way any of us to be online, is not inherently a bad thing—but i wouldn't say it's a universal good, either, when the internet is a wide and vast space, and can be so much more than that.

because the one thing that remains throughout the years is our agency and choice. we still have the ability to make the internet what we want it to be, or at least a corner of it, something separate from the corporations, the enshittification, economically researched user interfaces and experiences, the advertisements, the "like and share so the algorithm boosts me more." there's still a point to it all without the money, and without twitter. and it's both our desire for creativity and self-expression, as well as our intrinsic bonds with each other. despite it all, it's about our humanity.

as the internet continues to grow, so do we. nevertheless, the importance of our humanity, and retaining it, will remain. oftentimes it is up to us to remind ourselves of that.

links here, for access:

Bluesky CEO Jay Graber Says She Won’t ‘Enshittify the Network With Ads’

R U AN ARTIST ON SOCIAL MEDIA??? by omoulo

links @ kingdra.net (my links, like bookmarks)

A manifesto of sorts; or, my love letter to the personal website by me

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gordonramsei · 10 months ago

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꒰ ͙ ❄ MOVIN' ON . . . ꒱

a redirect theme by gordonramsei .

introducing MOVIN' ON , a redirect theme for users who have moved blogs and wish to redirect their users to their new url ! there are so many options with this theme to customize it and make it ur own . who said redirect pages have to be boring ? pls keep in mind this code does use javascript therefore is not a feasible option for use as a page . it also does not immediately redirect users , and has a user - directed experience with a button to navigate to the new url . as always , please let me know if u encounter any errors and i will troubleshoot asap !

if u intend on using this theme or just want to be a supportive hottie , please give this post a like and a reblog ! stay hydrated and be sure to pet a cute animal today ! mwuah ! 💕 💕 💕

ⅰ. THEME FEATURES .

accessible font size toggle that removes the script font for users with vision disability .

optional noise texture for the background with an opacity toggle to achieve ur ideal look .

optional noise texture for the sidebar img with an opacity toggle to achieve ur ideal look .

optional drop shadow for ur sidebar img .

optional blob that frames the sidebar img .

optional scribble that adds to the overall aesthetic .

single sidebar img sized at 225 x 150 px .

user directed experience that only redirects upon button click .

for a more detailed compilation of credits and features , please see the google doc containing the code .

͙ ❄ this theme is a patreon exclusive : want access ? consider signing up to join the fam - a - lam to get ur hands on this theme as well as my entire coding catalogue . click here to learn more !

source link directs to a live preview of MOVIN' ON .

#rph #rpt #rp theme #indie rp theme #supportcontentcreators #coding cabin #mine #rec #themes #redirect theme #for patreons #for patrons #had to change my previews bc tumblr kept blocking my vid previews :///

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raylangivins · 3 months ago

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thank u for tagging me @tenderlady and @javelinbk <3

Tagging five people I want to know better: @pinkmaned @paulmccartneyinsemination (love the new url 😘) and @oatflatwhite @scurator @freshfigs

Three ships: i guess mclennon seeing as it's the ship du jour, but idk if that one stands the test of time for me yet. as for ones that definitely do: raylan/boyd, always. and pacey/joey set my standards of romance forever.

First ship: derek/casey from life with derek, and while i don't think this necessarily says anything about me, i do think it's funny that i kicked off this whole life journey with step-siblings

Last song: pink pony club by miss chappell roan

Last TV Show: that i finished - america's sweethearts: dallas cowboys cheerleaders, which was kind of fascinating in the same way the paris hilton documentary was weirdly fascinating. i also sort of finished the bear in that i gave up 30 mins into the last episode of this season because it hit my boredom threshold.

Currently watching: house of the dragon let's gooooo dragon fight!!! i'm about to wrap up my mad men rewatch as well :(

Currently reading: as well as watching mad men i've been reading mad men carousel: the complete critical companion for some extra flavour. i plan to start the heart of a dog by mikhail bulgakov when i'm done.

Currently eating: had a mini cup of haagen dazs strawberry ice cream about 20 mins ago (my fave)

Currently craving: a day off work and for my period to be over.

#tagged tag

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subskz · 9 months ago

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OMG YOU ARE AN INFJ!! yes we are considered one of the most compatible pairs hehe ( and yes the A stands for assertive)

I can see our common interests here and I really think we'll have interesting convos in the future!

skz pingpong-ing with out brains is so real. And I GASPED when I read "i’m guessing felix or hyune is your bias? 😸"

I mean my blog makes it quite obvious 😭

but I bias hyune and lino! the aussies are my primary bias wreckers but all of skz keep doing their thing tbh

elsa is actually such a relatable answer exactly because of her need for freedom! she was one of Disney's best written characters and she really resonates with me as a neurodivergent first born in a multicultural family who took responsibility way earlier than healthy haha

a little more about me is as you can see, I'm neurospicy, I am genderfluid and a Scorpio if you like zodiac! I have a lot of varied interests and am very intuitive thanks to the introverted intuition you and I share! (INxJ let's go!)

thank you for dealing with me kindly!

yes!! 😸 that’s great news i guess our t and f functions balance each other out well! intj-a is such a cool combo u must be such an independent n self-motivated person!

heheh i took a wild guess based on your url and pfp but you’re hyunho biased omg i didnt expect that!! my fellow linolover 😭💗being a stay is really just constantly living w eight little men camping out in your head isnt it 🙏

i fully agree! though frozen isnt my fave movie i love elsa a lot, there’s a lot of depth to her that’s not often explored in other disney characters! now that u mention it her struggles really do align with the pressure eldest children (esp of immigrant families) face…having to become like a third parent to her sibling and being so wildly misunderstood by ppl around her…i’m sorry to hear you’ve lived a similar experience to her but i hope like elsa you’re able to live the life you want now without any regrets ♡

WAH you’re a scorpio!!! yes i am into zodiacs hehe i know a bit more abt astrology than mbti! and scorpios are my absolute fave sign i love u guys 😭 u being a scorpio lino stan couldnt be more fitting!

ofc!! thank u for being so sweet too nyx i’ll look forward to talking to u more! inxj solidarity <33

#ask #stardustlixie

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videcoeur · 11 months ago

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☼☼☼☼☼

For every ☼ in my askbox I'll mention someone I want to roleplay with or roleplay with more! - X

I'm not gonna copy paste what I wrote from the other asks but TLDR I'm sick and it sucks and I wish I had more energy to roleplay with ALL my mutuals. If I follow you? You bet your ass I want to interact with you. I just have the energy of a dying snail on hot asphalt most days. :(

With that said, you've asked for 5 URLs! So here they come!

@bcund Hi, my beloved. I love your art, I love your muses, I love your writings and I wish I could interact with them. I am still admiring you from the sideline and liking everything I see!!

@ikurosakii I've seen blurbs of your Ichigo all over my dash and I just want to say that I really like your writing! I'd love to throw someone at you at some point :)

@fallesto I've also been reading a few of your threads and I love how winded they get at times. You're a stellar writer and I swear some day I'm gonna do more than stand on the sideline. I'll meme at you and we'll get something started :)

@crownlcsking I've also been following you forever and I love how you portray Yuya. I enjoy the asks you answer and some of the threads I caught here and there. I want to interact and I will at some point :) This is a threat

@auburniivenus It's a new mutual here but I'm one of those that absolutely love Orihime and can't stand any hate she ever received. Back off my girl!! Anyway, you're doing a fantastic job with her and I'd love to put her against any of my Bleach muses when I have more time and if you're interested :)

Also, special mention and shoutout to everyone that's waiting on a reply from me since october+ (I think my oldest owed is in October 16th) @melancholy-menagerie, @goddslayerr ,@mageofspacemultiverse, @sillygum, @conquiistador (and all your blogs toby I s2g, @abysmal-black (yeah mentioning u twice, sue me), @sunfirekid , @particlecreator , @goresugars , @cmdrace , @summerxmelodies, @apocalypta-secundus, @sleeplesswork @chillin-at-partys-bar

PS: (And I think that's all I owe! If I owe you and your name was not mentioned, I probably missed it and please let me know. I never drop threads willingly. )

PPS: If I did not mention you but we're mutuals, please I beg of you to include yourself in this list because I wouldn't follow someone whose writing or portrayal I didn't enjoy. I'm ill, slow and so grateful for everyone willing to wait to write with me and if we're mutuals, I promise someday I will reach out!!

#( ooc. )#not answering any more #i think i covered everyone and their mother in this lmao #anyway #sappy on main tonight but I love all my roleplay partners dearly #and all of my mutuals in general!#Lack of interaction is not lack of interest I promise <3

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shouyuus · 1 month ago

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new ask on the new blog!! i love the aesthetics!

glad to hear that things are going well on your part!! and yeah, i remember back in the days fandom on tumblr was more interactive, but it was also when we were all stuck at home because of external circumstances :’) i wish your bf all the best for finding a job… TT . TT i technically can enter tech, but i study design. i know user interface & user experience is an overlap of design and tech, but it’s highly competitive and i don’t really have the confidence… i don’t have a good portfolio to fall back on, haha. i think… looking at current happenings i am not optimistic about the economy either, but i will stay positive that eventually i’ll find something…

happy 30th birthday btw!!! what are 3 advice / tips you gained abt life or writing? (no pressure) — @anonymilk

you are so right soy sauce is the backbone of any great culinary dish… so are fics… i didn’t know soy sauce is shouyou in japanese! that makes your fic rec blog makes sense. ahhh, that’s so cute that your blog is technically soy sauce with inspiration from hinata and ur own name. i really like urls like that. so much story and meaning behind it XD how was it like setting up a brand new blog? any thing u might have done differently? — @anonymilk oh yes… what does it mean when a series is limited… — @anonymilk

gonna combine ur asks !!! hehe so! yes - the tech market is hard rn but i have faith and he's the best boi so he'll find something eventually; i think you'll def find something too! unfortunately i think in this economy, it rly just is about grinding and sending out a bunch of apps, and then eventually, something will come around.

thank u for the bday wishes!!!! hmmm 3 pieces of advice? i think:

don't be afraid of being silly! growing up is overrated and yes, there's a time and a place for that, but don't let go of the things that bring you joy, no matter how "weird" they are, or how "niche" or whatever. if it makes u happy, then it makes you happy!

sometimes ur emotions aren't a choice, but whenever they are, you're allowed to make the choice to not feel a thing -- this was a bit harder for me to learn, bc its hard to think of being like "in control" of ur emotions without trying to be like deny, deny, nope, nope, nope. but at least for me "choosing" not to feel a certain type of way is acknowledging like "cool okay so, my body/brain is having this type of kneejerk reaction, and that's fine, but also im not gonna let it consume me" and after that, it gets a bit easier to handle

specifically about writing? don't be so hard on urself! :) this is a true passion project right -- we don't make money, we do it bc we want to and it makes us happy, and it maybe makes a few other ppl happy too, and that's a pretty cool thing! ur allowed to take breaks, to step away, to do you and live ur life and come back to this hobby later! it'll always be here waiting for you

T B H setting up the new blog was kinda stressful but FUn stressful. like it took an obscene amount of time to figure out the kind of aesthetic i wanted to have, and then to like... re-acquaint myself with html and photoshop and all that LOL but im rly happy with how it's turning out so far !!!

and yES so a limited series is just like... a mini-series. so in tv that's like 3-4 episodes instead of a 10-12 episode "season" of tv. and i borrowed that term bc instead of having like 10 chapters, this "series" is only rly like... 4 chapters and a bit more so !!! that's all!

#🌧 raindrops #milk anon #in tru virgo energy setting up this blog i wanted everything to be perfect but then #idk what planetary house's energy this is but uHM the chaos immediately took over cause there's NO consistency btwn my post formats LOL #i have a format in mind for my drabbles but for my 'proper' fics i have no idea what i wanna do #if i wanna do a banner everytime or if i just wanna yeet some of them #how do ppl keep consistency on their blogs man it's so hard LOL

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miniaturemountainrange · 10 months ago

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I was tagged by @pqnnier to pick a song for every letter in my url !

Wishing I had a shorter url but it was still fun :]

M - Mercy by Sir Chloe

I - I wanna be a cowboy, baby! by CMAT

N - Never let me down again by Depeche Mode

I - I don't want to know by Fleetwood Mac

A - Angel by NewDad

T - Texas by Mallrat

U - Utopia Overture by Cristpbal Tapia de Veer

R - Ride the Dragon by FKA twigs

E - Exit music (for a film) by Radiohead

M - Money Machine by 100 gecs

O - Obstacle 1 by Interpol

U - Uninvited by Mallrat

N - No Preps Allowed by kai do u love me

T - Teenage Witch by Suzi Wu

A - Ash in the sun by Vundabar

I - I don't recognise you by NewDad

N - Novocaine for the soul by Portugal. The Man and Sir Chloe

R - Rich Girl by Hall and Oates

A - Aphasia by Pinegrove

N - New Friend by AE MAK

G - Grandfather please stand on the shoulders of my father while he's deep-sea fishing by Lana del Rey

E - Eat your young by Hozier

(I am not sure if this is cheating but I looked through my playlists for help. The Ns were so difficult!)

Tagging @fernapalooza @themariotheme @atleastitsnotasbestos @picklesoups @juliamccartney and anyone else who wants to do it!

#tag game

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officialweezerelections · 1 year ago

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I hear u want to hear about WEIRD ANIMALS yes?

Well have i got a WEIRD ANIMAL for you!!

(i know u know about this cause. Its a bird. And also was in the bracket if i remember right (to be fair ive been just a TAD confused as to wich bird poll blog this is ever since u changed ur url lol), but i dunno maybe i can give u some new info! And maybe not, but hopefylly you'll put up with me anyway!)

I give you-

(Drumroll please..)

The

BEARDED

VULTURE!!!!!!

Anyway this is my FAVORITE. BIRD. And more people need to talk about her!!!!

So first of all there's the main thing they're known for - being the ONLY known vertabrate whose diet consists mainly (between 70 and 90 PERCENT!!!!!!) of BONE!!!!!!

ALSO however! This bird is POSSIBLE evidence of non-human animal using COSMETICS!!!! Y'see, they are naturally mostly white in coloration, but they roll in iron-rich mud and dust, thus dyeing their feathers a rich red color! Interestingly, Bearded Vultures, a primarily solitary and somewhat territorial animal, seem to be more respectful of and submissive to others of their species who have more red to their feathers. Though it is worth noting, as these birds live in very high altitudes, that we havent been able to observe them in the wild enough to prove the connection between dyed hue and perceived dominance.

Also i seem to remember in some poll (genuinely cant remember if it was urs or not) the Bearded Vulture was beat by a bird whose main notable trait was commiting fratricide - something that the Bearded Vulture ALSO does! The mother lays two eggs, one egg hatches about a week before the other, and upon the second egg hatching one chick (almost always the older one) kills and eats the other. I dont usually share that bit cause it would turn a lot of folks off from my Favorite Bird Ever but it really bothered me how that poll went down lol (lighthearted) (not actually mad)

Anyway, uuuuhhhh i think thats it -

-WAIT!!!!! I just remembered something else about them!!!!!

So they eat bones right? And some bones are to big to swallow yeah? So, like any strong-legged bird would, they pick up the too-big bones, fly way up high, and then drop them on rocks to break them into edible peices.

Seems pretty normal yeah?

Well (allegedly) they also do that to turtles/turtles to access the meat on rare occasion.

Still not that weird? I completely agree!

However, (allegedly) a Bearded Vulture once killed a greek playwright by the name of Aeschylus by mistaking his bald head for a rock and dropping a tortoise on it from a great height!

Anyway yeah thats all the main things

Except you know, for their apearance

(Why are their EYES like that? Ive tried to look it up but cant find anything. Some of the PRETTIEST (round-pupiled) eyes in the animal kingdom tho, no question)

Anyways yeah, sorry if this is all stuff u already knew, but, uh. YEAH!!!

Thanks for letting me rant about my funky lil guy!!!

I DID KNOW ALL OF THIS ALREADY BUT I LOVE YOUR ENTHUSIASM AND I LOVED READING ALL OF IT AGAIN!!! Bearded vultures are so darn pretty. Also you can be genuinely bothered with how a poll went down, I’m still a bit upset with the results of my first bracket. (final girl showdown) 😔

I keep thinking of things I could add on but you’ve pretty much said it all! I guess I could say that the bearded vulture is a card in Inscryption? The power is equal to one half of the player’s bones. I like that little detail.

-🪿

#mod gf #bearded vulture #asks

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screampied · 2 months ago

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hiiii. so, first i just want to say that the feeling is mutual, because i’m always looking forward to your replies to my asks, like giggling and kicking feet typa shit!!!

second of all, i’ve realized that if you do a scream theme, it would be perfect because of your username?!?! ngl i wish i was creampied by billy loomis

i used to look at those people eating and drinking pumpkin flavored stuff and i would gag, until i realized it probably taste like a famous pumpkin candy in my country, so yes, pls try it and tell me if it’s sweet and good. i’m a very picky eater and i can’t stand pumpkin, unless is for decoration and eating bits and bits of the said candy.

also, yeah, fuck scream 5. it was awful, i love gale and dewey, it was so unnecessary what they did to them, and proceeding to fucking kill him??? ain’t no way, i punched my tv.

classics are truly the best. ngl, i don’t like new horror movies, they are always lacking something. i did, however, enjoyed the movie talk to me from a24, but i saw it more as the metaphor (drgs) instead of possession, so yah…

NOW SHUT UP HIP PIERCINGS? AND BELLY BUTTON? oh i know u a bad bitch, like i can’t help but stan more. ☝️

how was your day today, btw? i finished an edit for my theme that was pissing me off and now i’m just waiting for the one person i’m comfortable with to be online so i can show and be like “gimme ur opinion 🥺” and they are sincere af so if they hate it, imma kms, i see no other option.

oh, also, this week i got a hate anon and i kept laughing because?? it’s so random, people are really miserable and funny sometimes. it’s like a certificate that their life sucks, idk.

AND YES, i’ll be showing myself for you, probably on october 1st, like nosferatu coming from the shadows, hihi.

nut anon

omg ur so sweet, hugs 🫂🫂.

FUCK UR SO RIGHT. a scream theme bc it’s literally in my url what are the chances 😋 plus my username was even based off scream omg we’ll see. that’ll be so sexy ughhhhh october hurry.

im kinda scared to try pumpkin lowkey. im also a picky eater and i feel like ill puke 🧍‍♂️ like ive smelled it and its okaaaay i guess but idk if i can handle it paha. if i do try it, ill tell u how it goes trust.

good fucking bye i can talk a whole rant about how AWFUL scream 5 is. out of all the movies, it’s the worst in my opinion. the only thing i loved about it was the opening scene—jenna ortega’s portion, she made me continue watching it 🙂‍↕️ plus she’s mother, i love her downnnnn. AND UR RIGHT. !!!!! LIKE DEWEY ?????? i get he had to die at some point but his death was so stupid. like really. just say you hate him. scream 6 totally redeemed itself tho now that is a SEQUEEEEL. only thing i hated about scream 6 was the killer reveals. the motive was understandable but dumb . LOLLL im such a hater but man ✋🏽 do you think neve is coming back for scream 7, i hope so and they better give her the pay she deserves bc i miss my final gyal 😔

TEEEHHEEE THANK YOU POOKIE 💋 i bet you’re an even badder bitch <3 my day was good !!! i was busy out half the day sight seeing and going to a nascar race showing near me which was sooooo cool. a bird shat on my car window which was totally uncool 😒. SLAAAAY omg i bet it looks so good.

booo hate anons r so unserious. i remember i got one months ago and just rolled my eyes because you could be like … saving the world ✋🏽 or idk doing crossword puzzles instead of talking shit to a silly lil stranger on the interweb. ppl be bored ig. don’t let it get to u tho bae !!!! ur amazing mwah

#💌 lovetalk.#nut anon #🧁#AND SLLAAAAY october first can’t wait 😋✋🏽#gonna fly by saur quick

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rosekasa · 2 years ago

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2 + ladynoir <3

yuki yk u change ur url sm i never recognise u shdjs

implied sexual content ahead!

send me a kiss prompt + lovesquare corner

2. Those kisses that leave them craving for more

“Let me know if it’s too tight,” he tells her.

“Okay.” Ladybug wiggles her fingers, poking out of a neat fold of gauze.

Chat Noir takes hold of them so he can finish with her arm.

Her breath catches.

It's weird, feeling like this around him. Since they started being able to hold their transformations for longer, their invincibility had taken a bit of a hit, meaning that falling off a rooftop during patrol wouldn't necessarily kill them, but would definitely leave them with a nasty concrete burn. He'd changed her bandages for her before, and she'd never felt like this. She didn't when he had the day before yesterday, either. It's strange how much can change in twenty-four hours. She wonders if he feels it, too.

Experimentally, she curls her fingers, pressing his nails into her palm.

His hand falters on her bandages.

She holds her breath.

Yeah. She thought so.

He swallows, then continues wrapping.

She watches him. He’s leaning forward, pressing his weight on his knees in front of the bed, hair falling into his face.

She twists her toes into the carpet fibres, stomach thrumming. She’s only wearing pyjama shorts. His jeans brush up against her ankle.

They could do it again. They have the room booked until they have to leave for the airport, which isn't for another three hours, and they’re pretty much done with all the prep and briefing they’ve needed to do over the past few days for the mission. She's still not sure how long last night lasted, but she thinks they could make do with what they have.

No. That's a bad idea on all counts. In three hours he'll be on his way to New York, and the last thing she wants is to give either of them any more pieces to put back together.

His hand slides away from her fingers to cup the back of her arm. Pulling the bandage around one end, he begins a second layer.

She closes her eyes and sighs.

"What happened?" he says. "Did that hurt?"

"No, I was just…" She bites her lip. "Thinking about… this. Who's gonna change my bandages when you're gone?”

He snorts. "Learn to do it yourself."

"Fuck off."

He smiles up at her through his hair.

She bites down on her lip, so hard she can feel it in her jaw.

Gently, she brings her leg closer to him, pressing her knee into his shoulder. The cotton of his shirt is soft on her skin.

His smile fades.

They hold each other’s gaze for a solid three seconds, before he clears his throat, and looks down at her shin. He locates the surgical spirit on the carpet next to him, and unties the old bandages secured around her calf.

Her pulse plays a drumbeat into her skin.

“So, um.” She fiddles with the bedsheets between her fingers. “Are you excited?”

“For a nine-hour plane journey?” he deadpans.

She laughs a little. “The States. The mission. Getting to work on your own for once.”

He finishes unwrapping her leg and discards the gauze in the waste bin next to him. “Oh. Right.” He uncaps the surgical spirit. “I don’t know. It’s definitely going to be a change from Paris.”

The sharp odour of antiseptic fills the air. He picks up his cloth, tips in some spirit, and, with a hand around her calf, wipes the dried blood off her shin.

Then, slowly, he begins to massage her calf.

Her entire body tenses.

He does it so easily, like it’s just something that they do, one hand on her leg while the other untangles a strip of gauze. And, well, yeah, she supposes it’s something that they did, but it’s different now. The timeline of their partnership has been split into before last night and after last night and she’s not sure what to do with that.

Tenderly, he begins to wrap her leg. His hair is back in his face, and a surge of affection fills her at the sight.

She’s not sure what to do with that, either. Especially now.

She doesn’t want to be a cliché, doesn’t want to let her hormones do all the thinking for her. She understands oxytocin, and dopamine, and endorphins. She understands what they can make you think. Make you feel. She doesn’t want to become a victim to her own biology after just one night.

The dangerous thing is that she really doesn’t believe she will. That she really believes something more than just a rush of impulsiveness from no costumes and a king sized bed and their last full day together had transpired between them.

But the thing is, it could’ve, and no matter how much she tries to tell herself otherwise, that could’ve still lingers in her brain. They’d talked. They’d laughed. They’d spent the rest of the night cuddling, listening to the rain on the windows behind the curtains. After all that, she doesn’t want it to have just been chemical between them.

Even if it’d hurt more if it wasn’t.

“Ladybug?” he says.

“Yeah?” she replies.

“What if I just don’t go?”

She looks down at him. “What?”

He doesn’t look back at her, busy with the bandages. “What if I don’t go?” he repeats. “New York has heroes already. They can find the missing Miraculouses on their own, can’t they?”

She can’t tell if he’s kidding. They’ve been preparing for this for months, discussing it for a year, and he’s never once had any reservations about leading the New York mission. Up until now, he’s done nothing but steadfastly agree that having the jewels scattered around the world are a hazard for Hawk Moth to have more to get his hands on. That, after failing to win side-by-side for five years, they should try doing things separately. Maybe then could they put an end to his reign.

“No, they— of course they can’t,” she says. “They’re not trained like you.”

“Well,” he says. “What if I need more training?”

She blinks at him, stunned. “What’s gotten into you?”

He ties off her bandage, his hands lingering on her leg. “I think you know,” he tells her. “And I think it’s gotten into you, too.”

Her face fills with heat.

He avoids her gaze, looking down at the strips of gauze littered around his lap.

They have to leave in three hours. His flight is in five. Her heart feels like it might shatter her ribs and she can’t help but think that they really can’t make do with what they have. Not for this.

“Chat, you’re not—“ She cuts herself off. “You’re not serious about not going, are you?”

“I… I don’t know? Maybe?" He fiddles with some gauze. "I mean, I know I won't get a refund on the ticket, but—"

"Chat."

"Okay," he says. "I know. I know this mission is important. But I just… I hate that we don't know how long it'll take. Will I be gone for a year? Two years? Longer?" He sighs. "I just… I never thought it'd matter before. But after last night I just… I felt something. And I don't want to lose that. Not before we've even had it."

Her heart throbs.

Maybe it wasn't all just chemical.

She closes her eyes, swallowing the tightness in her throat. "I felt something, too."

"So you get it, right?" he asks. "You get why I don't want to leave?"

She takes in a shaky breath, turning her head to look at the corner of the room. "It's a really important mission, Chat Noir," she says. "We could— we could finally be done with Hawk Moth. Finally."

He deflates. "Yeah. I know."

They’re quiet for a long time, the smell of the surgical spirit still hanging between them.

She reaches out, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "Do you really want to stay?"

He sucks in a deep breath, then touches her hand. "I do," he says.

Neither of them say anything.

Then, he sighs, and lets go of her.

She takes the hint, and takes her hand off his face.

"We should get some dinner," he says quietly. "I hate plane food."

"Right." She plays with her fingers, not looking at him. Then, she glances at the surgical spirit. "Give that to me. I'll put it away."

He caps it, and hands it over.

His fingers brush hers.

A pulse of electricity hits her stomach. Her eyes flick up to his. He's already looking at her.

Slowly, he gets to his feet. She has to lean back as he straightens, has to let him decide how this goes, so when he cups the back of her neck and leans down, she can't even manoeuvre herself to make him kiss her faster.

It's slow. And hard. Her heartbeat is on her tongue, and God, this really can't be all chemical.

They break away quickly, pressing their foreheads together, breathing hard. His hand slides up to thread through her hair. Hers knots itself into the material of his T-Shirt.

She gnaws at her lip. They could do it again. They could do it again. Oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins, it didn't matter. Chemicals didn't make this any less real.

She swallows hard. "We should… we should get dinner."

He nods, eyes closed.

They separate.

#miraculous ladybug #ladynoir #ask #alizeh writes

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