#let me come back to this blog after uhhh 4 years

[radicallyfat]

posts and things re: fatphobia and diet culture, curated by Stevie ( @girlhunk ), who is staying fat in eating disorder recovery. header image by Deborah Trusson.

[myths-tournaments]

Awful Characters Round 4 (2/4)

Propaganda under the cut!

BENNY

The first thing that happens in new vegas is that benny fucking shoots your character in the face, steals your shit and leaves you in an open grave. Benny is by all accounts a bastard. He kills you, steals from you, he killed his last boss, he is the single most duplicitous man around. His gang are all about honesty- except him. He's a lying, cheating bastard. The guys who helped him catch you? He skipped on paying them and left them to get shot to death. His new boss, mr.house? He stole his robot, broke it open, got someone to reprogram it and decided to use it to TAKE OVER THE WHOLE OF VEGAS. Benny literally kills people, lies to people, steals their shit and takes charge. That's all benny does. He gets fucking CRUCIFIED if you don't help him out just because so many people fucking hate him. And yet. And yet. Benny is the single most compelling character in the whole game to me. He's just a little guy! He's just there! You can get shot in the head and come back and he goes "what in the goddamn" and then if you try and flirt with him he's like "uhhh sure? Okay?" And leaves you a polite note in the morning. He's fancy. He wears a stupid suit. He has a tiny gun with shitty bullets. He's catholic. He talks like an old timey news presenter. Literally nobody else in the entire game does that. He's got an intelligence of 3. He's my funtime boy. My silly little man. He's so funny. The antagonist in this game is a guy dressed like a tablecloth who looks at all times like a confused dog who doesn't understand what a tv is. And like. He's compelling. He robs from you, shoots you, but…. he never seems to actually wish you harm. He kills and robs and lies but like. He apologises for doing it to you. When he sees you again he doesn't attack you, he's just… confused. He tries to defuse the situation. You can convince him to talk to you, alone, with no guards and it's not that hard. If you spare his life, he doesn't go after you, like. Even if you sleep with him he doesn't take advantage of that and kill you, even if you try to. He… he just leaves. He gives you an apology. If he gets kidnapped by Caesar He just… apologizes again. He tells you his whole plan to take over the city, too. He thinks he'll die, and he wants something of him to survive. He's happy that you made it. And if you let him free, he just… leaves. He knows he's beat, he doesn't want to cause any more trouble. He walks out and leaves. The NCR will kill you if you cross them. The legion will crucify you. House? He'll blow you the fuck up. But benny, the guy who lies and cheats and schemes, he's honest. He's polite. He's… harmless. You can kill him with a single shot if you want. And he can't kill you. He doesn't kill you the first time, and he'll never really hurt you again. Benny just wanted to win. When he knows he's beat he just leaves. No lingering, no harm, he's off, off into the desert heat, and never seen again. Isn't that just insane? like have you ever known an antagonist so polite? He just leaves!! He offers you a drink!! His plan is genuinely probably the best one for the people of new vegas!!! He's. Benny is Benny. Anyway if you want to see some REAL propaganda go to the blog letmebegaytodd and look in the #benny tag. You'll Understand < https://www.tumblr.com/letmebegaytodd/717051175751614464/in-another-life-i-wouldve-really-liked-just> <- look at this shit man

AZULA

Azula explicitly considers herself a monster. She says needlessly cruel things to her brother and friends. She kills the show's twelve-year-old protagonist and masterminds the idea of burning down the entire Earth Kingdom to force them to submit to Fire Nation rule. I have absolutely seen people get called abuse apologists for thinking she's a cool character. But she's also a (canonically) mentally ill fourteen-year-old who was raised by her father to see her ability to be weaponized as her only value. Her mother, arguably the only adult in her life who could have had a positive impact, had a strained relationship with her because she was more difficult than her brother, and then disappeared when she was nine. Her uncle, who was her brother's main healthy role model, took absolutely no interest in her. She watched her father belittle her brother for years and eventually throw him away when he failed to meet his expectations, so that was a threat she was always facing. She really had no chance. And she also has moments that suggest she wants some sort of meaningful connection with another person. She lets her brother take credit for killing the Avatar so he can come back from exile, even though it means she'll be bumped back in the order of succession and offers him advice that seems genuine. Her spiral into a mental breakdown starts when her friends betray her. She's just a much more interesting and multifaceted than a lot of the fandom gives her credit for.

[setsuntamew]

So, Persona 5 Royal, huh?

Full disclosure: I had gotten about halfway through November on Wednesday and finished it out Saturday night, which took uhhh about 65-70 hours? Some of that was sitting there waiting for the PS4 controller to recharge or listening to music in the Thieves Den while eating, but I still feel like I need to own up to how extremely bad I am at making good decisions with my life XD

MOVING ON, THOUGH, HOLY SHIT. P5 was a very good game, but Royal’s additions & changes made it incredible. I like the ending way more; I think it’s more emotionally fulfilling and meaningful, especially with everyone’s more defined future plans. Definitely felt like everyone had more growth in the end!! Which is something I’d always thought P5 was lacking.

Snip snip for spoilers and the fact that this post ended up being too damn long, oops! the last third is basically Akechi feels and analyzing his ending, so......yeah XD

Part of why I plowed through SO much of Royal in so little time is....Akechi XD Like okay, this is my stupid fandom blog, I can be excited about him all I want!!! I got to Sae’s Palace and just....I couldn’t put it down. @dragonofeternal​ and I ordered an embarrassing amount of takeout instead of cooking because we just had to see how everything with Maruki and the third semester was gonna go down. I’d already been dying along the way because Akechi’s confidant dates are so good, I just. Fuck!!!

Also, look, for the entirity of Shido’s boss fight and the depths of Mementos/Yaldabaoth/etc, we’d look at each other every few minutes and just be like AKECHI SHOULD BE HERE WITH US, HE DESERVES TO GET HIS VENGEANCE ON HIS SHITTY DAD AND FORCED DESTINY!!!!!

December 24th had to be the longest god damn day in Akira’s life because like. Final exam grades are posted in the morning! He goes to school and then dives into hell, crawls his way back out, briefly dies by fading from human cognition, fights an actual fucking god, and then....ends up dissociating in Shibuya until Sae shows up and is like “oh hey thanks for everything you did, please sign up for being arrested now.” And while he’s still reeling from that, Akechi walks up to take his place, like some kind of bullshit knight in shining armor schtick, and leaves no room for conversation.

AND THEN WE HAVE TO GO ON A DATE

I romanced Hifumi this time around, because I wanted Akria to bang a girl who is just so incredibly out of his league, but....it’s not necessarily that I forgot I was dating someone, more that it had been *so many hours of plot* that I was emotionally exhausted. Like, Hifumi texted me and I was just like. Right. RIGHT. It’s still Christmas Eve, somehow. I was at *school* this morning. The whole world merged with Mementos briefly in the middle of this, Akechi is somehow alive, and I guess I’m going on a date now????

I do appreciate how many “god I’m just dissociating my way through this” conversation options there were for the date, tbh. I feel bad though, I really like Hifumi, but I feel like Akira is not giving a date his full emotional attention at that specific time. It feels a bit like emotional whiplash, more so than I remember it being in P5? Maybe it’s because I played it 4 years ago and there wasn’t the added emotional weight of Akechi’s reappearance, but it was just like....a lot, in Royal.

AND THEN THE NEW YEAR HAPPENED. I’d been spoiled on large parts of the third semester, mostly because Royal’s been out for a year already and I’m too curious for my own good. I’d also somehow lied to myself, saying I didn’t have time to play another Persona game right now, and yet here I am, 171 hours of game play within exactly a month, kicking myself for not knowing how deep in Persona hell I would get XD

Which is to say, as soon as the new year started, it felt I was drowning in anxiety. I knew something was wrong, I knew they were in a false reality, but knowing that sure as fuck didn’t make it easier to go through. If anything, it was somehow worse, knowing that it was all gonna come crumbling down, but I didn’t yet know the exact details, only the broad strokes of it. Just. Every time someone talked about something that was wrong, my heart would clench.

God, I’m so fucking tired, I pulled an all-nighter on Friday so I could get through Royal before having to work on Sunday, and I am feeling it right now. Life tips: don’t do what I do XD

Every moment with Akechi felt like borrowed time, at least for me, because I knew what was coming. I spent so much time in Mementos with him; I ended up putting just him and Akira in my party and plowing through everything, including trouncing the Reaper over and over just for the hell of it. I got his ultimate weapons, I spent so many nights in the jazz club with him that he ran out of dialogue options, and I still took him back for more. I accidentally failed to EVER trigger Sumire’s Showtime because every fight was just Akira and Akechi against the world, because fuck it, I’m playing this for fun!! If I want to play with them in stupid costumes and no one else in the party, I’m gonna. Royal did such an incredible job giving Akechi more depth and development: it was all I could hope for, and it made it that much fucking worse to know what was in store for him.

Somehow, I thought it would be harder for me to make the decision to refuse Maruki’s deal, since fuck, fuck what I wouldn’t give for Akechi to be alive???? But I barely hesitated, only really stopping because I had to emotionally brace myself for it, because a reality where he can’t carve out his own fate would be a disrespect to everything their relationship is built on.

I have a whole shit ton of feelings about post-beating Maruki but they’re basically all Akechi related meta so somehow they ended up at the end of this post, I’m sorry XD

I understand that they had to keep the going to jail bit because 1) Akechi didn’t turn himself in, Akira did and 2) it leads to the final events of the game, but let me just say....the emotional roller coaster of fighting Maruki, almost failing multiple times, waking up in jail, the Phantom Thieves & friends getting Akira out of jail, celebrating that, and then getting thrown into Valentines Day was a LOT for my heart to take. Once again, didn’t forget I had a girlfriend, just got too invested in the plot to really be thinking about her. It’s less than two weeks after the fight with Maruki and somehow, everything is supposed to be okay????

The scene with everyone talking about their future plans is such good character growth, though. Everyone feels like they’ve truly grown and are making decisions that, even though they might be painful or hard at times, are ultimately very important to them. It’s a really good contrast to the “almost everyone goes to Shujin and they all stay in Tokyo forever without doing anything for themselves” Maruki’s perfect reality bad end.

Standing in the Underground Mall on White Day, being told I had to get flowers but finally being able to have control of Akira again was....so bittersweet. The fact that the location of the date is the aquarium is a low fucking blow, and I almost threw the controller across the room I was so upset. Like. THE AQUARIUM IS UNLOCKED BECAUSE AKECHI HAS TICKETS HOW FUCKING DARE SOJIRO SUGGEST IT LIKE MY HEART ISN’T STILL ACHING????? God, speaking of that: The fucking god damn Featherman video game tore my heart out because I ended up playing it WHILE WORKING ON SHIDO’S PALACE and I cried a ton about Gray Pigeon because of course they had to dig the emotional knife in even deeper!! Just fuck me up, it’s fine, I’m just dying!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ended up scrolling through his texts to find the group chats that still had Akechi in them, and fuck, it was a LOT. Like. Maybe it’s because I’m too invested in the two of them, but it was probably the worst emotional whiplash of the whole game. Like, how am I supposed to go play happy with anyone while staring at texts from a reality built of lies? It wasn’t real but the proof lives on in his phone and his heart, and I’m still fucked up over it.

HOWEVER. FUCKING. I SPENT LIKE HALF AN HOUR BEING EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED ABOUT ALL THIS AND THEN DISCOVERED THE BASTARD STILL HAD ALL HIS EQUIPMENT, INCLUDING THE ULTIMATE MALE ARMOR!!! He returned his shit after Sae’s Palace even though he thought Akira was dead, but this time it didn’t get fucking returned to my inventory, so he must have fucking run off with all his shit!!!!!!! Why the hell did none of it get returned if he was never alive in the true reality? Like I know it'll be returned for a new game+ but I like to nitpick game mechanics for story reasons, because one of the things I love most about video games is the experience of them as another layer to the story. The texts from the third semester shouldn’t exist anymore, since they never really existed, but there they are. Akechi insisted that he has a gap in his memory after Shido’s Palace up until seeing Akira on Christmas Eve, but who can say that wasn’t related to Maruki tampering with reality or some other Persona-related reason?

I mean. I got the full and complete True Ending; I saw him in the train station. If that’s not Akechi, then who the fuck is it? Atlus made sure to put the work in to make him a part of not just the main story but also, especially, the third semester, and for what....to have his final time on screen be as the butt of the joke, squished underneath everyone in the Mona-copter? As much as it hurts, his end in Shido’s Palace matters; it fits his character and he gets to go out fighting- carving his own path, really. In Royal, barring the tiny glimpse of someone who’s probably him in the train station, the last we see of him is when he watches Joker let go of the rope to finish off Maruki. I know we got the heart to heart where Akira agrees to reject Maruki’s deal and Akechi insists that he’d rather be dead than live in a false reality, but.....no one even says goodbye to him. It’s tragic, it’s painfully lonely, but it doesn’t feel right for such a major character.

Also, as undignified as it is, for the first time ever, Akechi looks like he actually belongs in the Phantom Thieves in that final moment. He’s never been the butt of their jokes before; they always kept him at arms’ reach and he took himself too seriously to be included, but for that brief moment, it really felt like he was part of their group. He stopped lying about himself for their last month together, and so even if they don’t all like him, they can make that decision based on the truth, instead of layers of lies. His death is all the more tragic for this; a life cut short just when he’s finally finding a place he belongs. But his death was already painful; why make it so, so much worse?

Final thing: I’m gonna be spending a ton of time in the Thieves Den trying to find Akechi’s opinions on everything, but also....hey. HEY. What do those six stars that Jose (probably?) painted on the wall mean? Is it just a reference to Persona 6???? LIKE????? I HAVE QUESTIONS. SO, SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!

Anyway, I’ve gotta go cry into my Starbucks and desperately try to focus on actually doing my job at work, but I loved Royal deeply and cannot wait to drown in it ;w;

[yehet-me-up]

Content Tag Game

Tagged by EXO sister-wife Kat @yeoldontknow​ <3 1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

3. how long have you been writing? on this blog?

uhhh I definitely wrote half of several harry potter and lotr fanfics in HS but that was ‘the dark times’ many moons ago. so as an adult this is my only fandom! just stumbled into kpop and stumbled onto fanfics in the most backwards way possible (was sent a meme of a 1D ‘imagine’ and was like hey I wonder if they have these for kpop and then I found them and they were not a meme, but were fucking incredible AND NOW 4 YEARS LATER (started August-ish 2017???) here we are hahaha)

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?

oh dear god i just remembered I have an AO3 account..... WHOOPS, shit 😅 might need to, y’know, update that at some point. jfc adhd object permanence is something else.

5. what is your favorite genre to write?

Personally it’s sci fi/fantasy, but here in the fanfic space I’d say..... uhh slice of life, romance, angst but make it a happy ending?? fanfic is a way for me to share all the sort romantic hopeful feelings I have about love and life and friendship and purpose 💕

6. are you a pantser or a planner?

Used to be a pantser when I started this (and when fics used to be like ?? 3k-5k) now that fics in general are longer for one-shots and series my good lord I need an outline. Especially for exo mall which is *insert meme of crazy guy with the bulletin board* a lot for my brain haha

7. one shot or multi-chapter?

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

I’d say mine are usually 5k or so?? some series were shorter per chapter, depending on subject matter. I tend to write like... interconnected long as frick oneshots, so i don’t count those as chapters ☠️

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?

uhhhhh good question haha. my book was 95k and I think exo mall is like *dammit math* 140k or something that has significantly gotten out of hand. I have two more fics so it will probably be like 180ish when it’s done?? not including the drabbles to come haha 

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

I loved No Quarter and torturing Kat with her husband, also staying up all night to finish Chanyeol’s exo mall knowing kat had NO idea it was coming was a BLAST. Kyungsoo’s exo mall was one of the most ‘in the flow’ writing experiences i’ve ever had. I wrote this Baek oneshot at like 3am when i couldn’t sleep once and tbh it felt like I wrote it in a dream. ja;slkfjasd I love so many of these this is like a trip down memory lane, so I’m going to be a wh*re and say two more haha.  This is the most honest and close to ‘real life’ thing I think I’ve written on here (and also one of the only sex scenes I didn’t lose my goddamned mind trying to write a;sldkfja;sdf). And lastly Ablaze, which was the longest thing I’d written (I think) and let me know that hey? maybe I could write a book someday <3

11. favorite request you’ve have written and why (if any?)

This request for Exo Mall Baek was such a joy to write! And for some reason this Taeyong drabble makes me wish I had the time/energy to write it into a full story, it gripped me so much when I wrote it, like a movie had fully downloaded into my brain out of nowhere.

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?

For sure! I’d say found family is a big one. Trusting that you’ll find your place even if things don’t make sense or you feel unsure. Believing that love is worth the risk and fear of trusting someone ;laksjdfal;sd. That love can be big gestures and super intense, but that after that fades away it’s the small daily moments that matter most - the people who stay and listen when you’re sad, holding hands and forehead kisses, taking care of people when they’re sick or scared or just need company, showing up to try again or to communicate even when things are hard. 

Someone commented on a fic of mine ages ago that I helped them see that real love (of that small, daily, consistent kind) is possible and MAYHAPS I cried because underneath it all, that’s what I’d want people to take away - that love of all kinds is scary, but it’s always worth it in the end <3

13. current number of wips?

Surprisingly just ... 3? wow how time has changed hahaha. I have Jun + Baek for exo mall (plus some drabbles but that will be something people write in about, so I wouldn’t consider them wips) and then I maaaaay continute on here with the Jun + Min regency baes series. We shall see :)

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing?

1. I can’t NOT write Baekhyun as the biggest cheesy dork in the entire world 2. That I’ll always have endless fantasy world to live in. I have to try actively to not start new WIPs because it’s so damn easy to be inspired. If I’m ever bored I know that I can jump into some story and let myself be carried away for a while 3. that who and how i am in real life is not usually the same person that i am when it comes to the vibe of my writing, and that that’s totally okay <3

15. a quote you like from a published story.

“I wish it had been with someone like you, though,” you say, squeezing his hand.

“Someone like me?” he says, raising his eyebrows, waiting for an explanation.

You look down at the floor, trying to figure out how to put how he makes you feel into words. “Yeah, someone strong, and steady. And safe.”

He lets out a laugh. “Safe? That sounds awfully similar to boring.”

“No, no. You don’t understand,” you say emphatically, coming to stand fully in front of him, grabbing his other hand as well. “You never ask me to be anything but who I am. You’re patient, kind, caring. For the longest time I thought that falling in love would be stifling. That it would… I don’t know, take my independence. Take my spirit. Make me into someone I don’t recognize.”

You step closer, holding his face in your hands. “But I can’t think of anything I want more than to be with you. You make me the best version of who I am. I don’t know how it is for you, being with me. But when I’m with you, it just feels like… home,” you finish gently.

- from Kyungsoo’s exo mall because THIS is how I feel about falling in love now, and this story was me working out what I believed about the process (like a goddamned emo bish haha)

16. a quote from an unpublished story.

For a moment you allow yourself this weakness. It won't destroy you to admire the strong lines of his body, the intensity and focus in the set of his brows, the deep, warm color brown of his eyes as they - oh lord, he's looking directly at you. As he notices you watching him his lips press into a small smile, inclining his head towards you.

'Oh no,' you say, mortified. In a breath you've blinked and drawn your arm through Maggie's, weaving your way through the crowd and dragging her with you.

'What's wrong?' she hisses in your ear, slightly off-kilter from the drink and revelry. 'You're going to tear my arm off.’.

'Sorry, he -' With a hand you push through the front doors, gulping in the cool night air and breathing deeply to steady the erratic pace of your heartbeat. 'Maggie, what's happening to me? He looked at me and I felt so... naked. I can't explain it.'

She realizes you aren't in actual distress and laughs. 'Good. About time you fell in love. I'm delighted.'

- From perhaps a future chapter of Jun and Min regency baes series....

17. space for you to say something to your readers.

Thank you so much. Truly, from the bottom of my heart. This fandom brought writing back into my life after such a long time away and I had no idea I would love it so much. The friends it’s brought me and the kind words that made me cry or cheered me up on a shitty day or made me laugh out loud and the watching other writers grow on their journeys. Getting to hear how something I made could help you feel less alone or less sad on a shitty day is all I’ve ever wanted from sharing all this. Thank you for being here and thank you for sharing parts of yourself with me <3

Tagging anyone who sees this who would like to do it, even if you don’t consider yourself a “real writer” yet (yes you are, stop doubting yourself!!!!) 😘

[cromulentbookreview]

I See What You Did There

What’s two plus two?

Huh? What? What’s happening?

What’s two plus two?

Oh, shit, right, I have a book review blog, don’t I? I mean, things have been a bit hectic these past few months and I’m also trying to be a real writer...

What’s two plus two?

Yeah, you’re right, I shouldn’t neglect my tumblr, even if nobody reads it. And come on, computer, it’s not like I’ve been in a coma for four years, two plus two is clearly five and we all love Big Brother, OK? Gah.

Uhhh...And by that, I mean: Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir!

Dr. Ryland Grace wakes up in a spaceship with no memory of how or why he’s there. He’s a junior high school science teacher, what the hell is he doing on a spaceship? Also, the other two astronauts are dead. Like, really dead. So far as how things are going for Dr. Grace right now, I’ll let Pete Campbell give you a hint:

Slowly, veeeery slowly, Grace’s memory starts to come back to him: he’s on a mission to save the Earth. There’s this nasty space bacteria-thingy called Astrophage that’s dimming the light of Mr. Burns’s archnemesis: the Sun.

There’s a lot of science involved, but Weir explains, in great detail, just how Astrophage dims the Sun and why that’s really, really, really, really bad for the Earth. Like, apocalyptic-bad. Billions will die bad. Famine, disease, war, rocks fall, everyone dies and freezes to death bad. Only not right away. Over the course of several years. So everyone will die, but they’ll get to do it real slowly. 

Yay?

Like so, but it ends with everybody dead and the Earth being rendered uninhabitable. All of Grace’s wee little students will grow up watching their Earth slowly die. Unless Project Hail Mary finds a solution. And there seems to be a solution out there - Tau Ceti seems to be the only star not infected with Astrophage. Why? How? What? So this all powerful woman called Stratt, who has been given authority by just about everyone (how? Reasons. Don’t ask questions) yanks Grace out of his classroom - first to study Astrophage, and then, somehow, he can’t remember exactly, roped him into going on a dozen-light-year journey to Tau Ceti with the crew of the Hail Mary.

Only the rest of the crew is dead. Something went wrong while they were in a coma during their four-year space voyage. Grace is alone.

Inside the Hail Mary.

Full of a dude called Grace.

I see what you did there, Weir. Don’t think I didn’t see what you did there. I mean, you don’t even have to be Catholic to see what you did there.

Anyway, long-winded flashbacks and lots of science ensues. I struggled with the first quarter of the book - not for any particular reason other than I started reading this book in the latter half of 2020 and I was having a hell of a time concentrating on...well, everything. Remember 2020? Yeah, it wasn’t great. I mean, I’d need a lot of “not great, Bob!” gifs to describe just how bad those last few months of 2020 were.

And then I thought 2021 would be better. Ahahaha we barely made it six days. Seriously, everything is terrible and how do I even concentrate on a dumb book blog let alone a book all about science and the Earth slowly dying because the sun is dimming and -

Soon enough, however, Grace spots something on the Hail Mary’s radar. It’s...another spaceship? All the way out by Tau Ceti? At first, Grace thinks maybe its another ship from Earth, like a backup plan, that’d make sense, right? Only it’s not.

Who could it be?

Aliens?

Yeah, it’s aliens.

Our friend Grace gets to be the dude to make first contact with the sentient, spider-like creatures of the first planet in the system 40 Eridani. Turns out 40 Eridani is also infected with Astrophage, which is causing all sorts of problems for the Eridians, and their ship just happened to be around Tau Ceti at the exact same time as the Hail Mary. Crazy, right? Anyway, after the initial first contact and the long, drawn-out process of learning to communicate with one another (with no help from Amy Adams or Jeremy Renner), Grace and the lone Eridian, whom Grace christens Rocky, team up to save their respective worlds.

Science and plenty of flashbacks ensue.

I’m not a scientist - well, I have a master’s degree in library and information science, which, I guess, is a science? I mean, uh...I could tell you where all the sciency books are in the library. 500s if you’re using Dewey, and if you’re using Library of Congress, it will depend on what you’re looking for - you’ll want to start with Q for general sciences, QA for math books, QB and QC for astronomy and physics, QE, GC, GB, QC, TN for earth sciences, QD, TN, TP, and TR for chemical sciences, GE and bits of GF, QE, QH, QC, and TD for environmental sciences, QH, QK, QL, QM, QP, and QR for life sciences, QA75-76.9, TK5101-TK6720, TK7800-TK7895, and Q334-Q390 for computer sciences, telecommunication and artificial intelligence, Q, R, S, and T for the history of sciences and if you’re looking for bibliographies and finding aids for topics in the sciences, look under Z.

You know. Science.

OK, so I may not be a scientist. I may be bad at math because numbers somehow magically switch themselves around on paper whenever I look at them. Why? Because my brain sucks, that’s why. I may have spent most of my chemistry classes reading YA books under my desk (worth it!). I may have only passed high school physics by cheating off a girl younger than I was, but hey, the joke was on me: my high school physics teacher wasn’t even qualified to teach physics.

Gotta love rural public schools.

My point is, while the science may be lost on me and my brain which is full mostly of Simpsons quotes rather than actual knowledge, I do loves me a fun story where Science (with a capital S) saves the day. And, make no mistake, this book is fun. You might get a bit bogged down by the science, but once you get past it, this is a highly enjoyable story of one dangerously unqualified guy desperately trying to save the world with his new BFF, alien spider guy who speaks in musical notes. It’s up to them and them alone. Good luck, guys! Don’t forget that billions upon billions of lives depend on you. No pressure.

Seriously, if you loved The Martian, you’ll love Project Hail Mary. They’re similar, but Hail Mary is on a much larger scale than The Martian - there’s a lot more at stake in the hands of one guy. Plus: aliens!

Without spoiling anything, I’ll just say I would have loved more from the ending. I would’ve loved an epilogue from some of the other character’s perspectives or something. I mean, I could even go with a sequel! Maybe something where Erid and Earth are finally able to communicate? There’s a lot of potential for short stories or novellas set in the same world as Project Hail Mary - there’s got to be bonus material there and I want it. More, please? That’d be nice. I’d definitely read it. So... Hop to it, Weir!

One last complaint: Grace doesn’t swear. Like, at all. Meanwhile, Mark Watney is over here like

Come on, Grace, would it kill you to say “fuck” or “shit” every now and again? I mean, I sipped coffee that was too hot and let out a bunch of words that’d make a 19th century whaler blush. Geez.

RECOMMENDED FOR: Fans of The Martian, science-y people, people who enjoy a heavy dose of science in their sci-fi, people who just want a fun story

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: People with no mind for science, people who are against fun, anyone who doesn’t like sci-fi, aliens, fun, etc.

RATING: 4/5

ALIEN RATING:

RELEASE DATE: May 4, 2021 (HEY! Don’t think I didn’t see what you did there, too, Ballantine Books!)

ANTICIPATION LEVEL FOR SPINOFFS / SEQUELS / BONUS MATERIAL OF ANY KIND: Olympus Mons.

DID I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE?

[robinsnest2111]

indirectly tagged by @lampmeeting

it's not part of the original thing but I'm gonna add a silly little self portrait as well~

Questions to get to know you a little better:

1. What do you prefer to be called name wise? Robin or any kind of nickname related to that you can come up with lol Some of my favourites are Rob and Robble

2. When is your birthday? November 21st

3. Where do you live? A little town in Niedersachsen (Lower Saxony), Germany. Known for being the summer residence of a royal bloodline some 200 years ago. Yes there's a castle :P

4. Three things I am doing right now? Trying to forget the nightmare I just woke up from, thinking about getting a few more clementines from the kitchen and fininishing a little sketch I started yesterday

5. Four fandoms that have piqued my interest: Metalocalypse (ofc), Hogan's Heroes, Ghost BC, What We Do In The Shadows. Those are the main 4 at the moment but there's always a chance for other fandoms to take over for a bit.

6. How has the pandemic been treating you? ....yeah. Not so great. My grandma died suddenly at the start of the pandemic, I had to leave my internship I was super happy at early because of lockdown, finished my last semester at college with horrible online classes, had to move back in with my parents, cut contact with someone I've known almost all my life, barely passed my finals, still on the hunt for a job (started applying to places in September) and am close to losing it any day now lol Also pandemic means no flea markets which was one of the few things keeping my brain happy and occupied while giving me a chance to ride my bike around the region for hours :^(((((

7. Song(s) I can’t stop listening to: Sadly no particular song coming to mind right now, but I've had Ghost's entire discography and Dethalbum I, II, and III on rotation for months now lol. This Toss A Coin To Your Witcher Remix has also been stuck in my head for a while and is always worth a listen (Also have some silly techno/hardstyle remixes stuck in my brain permanently because I listened to them as background noise while trying to make my final college projects somewhat decent. Terence Hill & Bud Spencer - Lalalalalala, Da Tweekaz - Jägermeister, Star Wars Hardstyle, DJ Ötzi - Anton aus Tirol, Das Leben des Brian - Schwanzus Longus)

8. Recommend a movie: The Road to El Dorado by Dreamworks, a children's movie, I know... Each song is an absolute banger tho (even the German versions!), the jokes are silly but fun, the queer/gay hints add that little spice that I subconsciously picked up on and felt comforted by as a kid and the design of the everything is just (chef's kiss) Also the chemistry between the 4 main characters is gud as heck. It's the childhood movie I latched on to the most, my mother had to rent the dvd almost every single day until I bought a copy myself lol

9. How old are you? 24 orz I don't feel like it at all...

10. School, university, occupation? Finished college in August, unemployed because no one wants to hire in the creative field during a worldwide plague :^)

11. Do you prefer heat or cold? As long as it's under 35°C I prefer heat. My hands and feet are icicles 95% of the time after losing weight :^(

12. Name one fact others may not know about you? Since I'm an expert oversharer you probably know almost everything about me already orz But uhhh. Lemme see... I learned how to operate a laundry machine at the ripe old age of 20 at my internship at a hair salon lmao My mother never had the nerve to show me how on the modern machine we have at home (along the lines of "you will fuck it up anyways so let me do it >:^(((" which is an overarching theme in her raising me lol), but the older machine with the simpler dials at the salon was a good start to learn and honestly one of the things at this internship I'm still super grateful for...

13. Are you shy? Oh hell yeah I am... It's all the years of getting only negative feedback for trying to interact with others lol

14. Preferred pronouns: He/Him mostly, still figuring out if I still like they/them or nah (since in German there are no neutral pronouns that aren't neopronouns I've automatically gotten more attached to he/him lol)

15. Biggest pet peeves: I feel so mean for admitting it but honestly: Any noises my parents make. If I'm having a particularly bad low brain energy day even hearing them breathe makes me wanna run away and scream in anger... (Doesn't irk me with anyone else tho, which is weird...)

16. What is your favorite "dere" type? Oh there's more than 4 types now?? I've always liked Kuudere types the most out of the original 4 types, but I guess Shundere and Utsudere are right up my alley too!!!

The Kuudere (クーデレ), sometimes written Coodere or Kūdere, type refers to a character who is often cold, blunt, and cynical. They may seem very emotionless on the outside, but on the inside they’re very caring — at least when it comes to the ones they love.

The Shundere (しゅんデレ) type refers to characters who are sad and very depressed. While a full smile on their face might be out of the question, their love interest can help them open up and feel accepted.

The Utsudere (うつデレ) type refers to a character who is often sad and depressed. There is a reason for the character’s despair such as being bullied at school. Even if their life improves, they are often wary of other characters’ motives.

17. Rate your life 1-10? Maybe a 4? 4.5 at max

18. What is your main blog? The one I'm posting this on lol

19. List all your side blogs and what they’re for:

yorkiesart - old as hell and inactive artblog

bleedingheartbird - very triggering and depressing vent blog :^(

yorkie2111 - my very first username, a sea and ocean themed aesthetic blog now mostly for when I miss Denmark a whole lot (kinda inactive)

robinsartnest - a second attempt at a separate art blog, inactive as well lol

20. Is there anything people should know before becoming friends with you? I'm a clusterfuck of several undiagnosed mental illnesses and probably other conditions that I'm trying to figure out and deal with on my own until I can get professional help and some diagnoses. At times I'm weird and distant and overall very depressed and unpleasant, I've already hurt so many people this way and am trying to be better every single day. Basically I've never been given the "How to properly Human" manual and am frantically trying to get it right without hurting too many innocent people in the process.

Anyway, if you are nice to me I will love you forever ♡♡♡ :'3c

idk who to tag so if you wanna do this, do it~

[shadowfae]

in my case the majority of the time, the way to drop a connection is to spend time away from its source rather than just decide to, and considering how the strength of my ‘links (major to para to minor, which is how I catagorise right now) goes all over the place I wouldn’t be surprised if it just come back after I drop them (you can tell it’s late here since I’m rambling nonsense in your inbox again)

running through thoughts here is incredibly helpful, I know I’m not filling up your blog with nonsense (I hope) but you have so many followers probably compared to my uhhh 4(?) and a few hundred on main so it’s really nice to say things and get thoughtful and respectful answers back 👉👈

Typing style is similar enough that I’m guessing that you’re both Chatty Anon / Key Anon who may be the same person idk, and not Alien Anon or a mysterious third anon, not that I can tell. :p 

Sometimes all you need is someone like me to bounce your thoughts off - a soundboard! That’s how I need to do things. When I’m not sure, I need someone to sit me down and ask me questions, hear my reasoning out, and then poke holes in it until I have it figured out.

If you know the term rubber duck programming, this is the exact same type of thinking and goddamn it works. 

But that’s the thing: a good way to tell if something’s a kintype and not anything else is that even when you spend time away from it, it’s still there. I go out of my way not to hear about Evillious as much as I am physically capable, because wow that’s a bad experience! But I’m still Pale. Sometimes I wake up in shifts and hate the snow a little less, or start thinking about Project Ma and America and how much easier it would be to save those I care about if I had the power I did back then. I don’t touch Evillious with a ten foot pole. Only a block button and a good blacklist. But it’s still irrevocably a part of me.

A linktype probably won’t do that to you? If you let it go, it won’t come back unless you seek it out again. Kintypes are pretty permanent, with some rare exceptions. As far as I know, closure’s the only thing that can let go of a kintype, but that being an option is pretty rare. It’s hard to set them into the past.

Linktypes are important, and powerful, and can do so much good. But by their nature, they aren’t completely permanent, and don’t whack you with a stick in the middle of the night just like when you first realized they were there, years later. Sometimes the only way to tell the difference is to play the waiting game. It works, but it takes forever.

Questioning almost always does. So I’ll see you in my inbox plenty more, get used to you, and miss you when you stop. That’s just how it works.

[outbreak-by-daybreak-archive]

Safety Blanket chapter 6: Dangerous encounter Leon Kennedy x Fem!reader

chapter 1,chapter 2 chapter 3 chapter 4 chapter 5 

read on a03 

well howdy hey its been awhile (haha most of this was on my old Leon Stan account/old resident side blog rip) but here ya go..

warnings:canon typical violence 

word count:2,555

You and Leon walked down the steps into a small room filled with books and other strange art pieces, Leon did tell you the station used to be an art museum. You looked over at Leon who still did look a little sad.

“Hey are you ok?”, you asked him hoping he wouldn’t just ignore you, he was picking up supplies spread all around the room.

“Yeah I just”, he stood there for a second clenching his fists, “I just wish I could have helped him”, you could hear the sorrow in his voice.

“You can’t save everyone, no matter how much you wish you could, trust me I know that one all too well”, you said looking down and rubbing your shoulder.

“Does it get easier?”, he asked looking at you, you couldn’t describe what the expression on his face was, a sense of uneasiness, hope, it was hard to tell.

“I uhhh”, you stood shocked at his sudden asking of it, you wanted to choose your words carefully. You’d only been through all this in a week, yet you were hardened by it.

“It’s fine you don’t have to answer”, he said, turning away from you.

“No wait!”, your body just moved on its own and you grabbed his hand. You looked up at him seeing his blue eyes again with his blonde hair, you remembered how you were when he found you scared and panicked, when you freaked out about Maria he was there for you, he hadn’t left you behind. You remembered his calming heartbeat, his smile and overall kindness. Unlike everything that had happened to you Leon was pretty much the only good thing about this hellhole, and you weren’t about to leave him in the dust.

“No it doesn't”, you said looking deep into his eyes, he saw how misty your eyes were, “you just get better at hiding your emotions sometimes”

He looked back at you, you had a soft smile on your face, he didn’t notice how pretty you were with your (H/C) hair and your (E/C) eyes, was this an awkward time, yes, yes it was, but it wasn’t just your looks but the way you held yourself, after everything you’ve been through both physically and mentally, you still kept your head up high.

“And I’m not about to lose anyone else”, you said pushing a piece of hair out your face, “and that’s a promise”, you said looking up at him smiling.

“(Y/N) I-”, Leon looked at you shocked at your words, maybe you were stronger than he thought you were. People who knew you well always said you were loyal no matter what, even to the very end.

“Come on let’s get going”, you said excitedly giving Leon a nice bubbly smile, he walked over still shocked by the sudden switch in personality.

You wanted things to go back to normal desperately. You missed the old you, the one that was happy and cheerful no matter what, but that wasn’t going to happen until you got out. So why not try and be happy just for a little while. Leon got hints of what you were truly like. Maybe you did over do it a bit but it was something you were going to have to get used to. Leon smiled at you and followed you towards the doorway that led to an elevator. You two shuffled inside of it.

Leon took a deep breath and pulled out his gun, motioning you to do the same thing, “we don’t know what’s down there”. You nodded at him pulling out your shotgun. Leon then pressed the button and the doors shut and down you two went.

The door opened and Leon told you to wait as he cautiously stepped outside. He looked around for a moment before signaling you to follow him.

You stepped out and were surprised and confused to where you were, obviously underground but something about it was strange. You followed Leon down a few stairs until you got to a place that looked like a boiler room. That’s when you heard someone or something walking around. You quickly held onto Leon’s arm, anxious at the sound.

“What the hell was that?”, you whispered

“I don’t know, stay close”, he said towards you and you nodded back. You followed him further inside, still very confused at where you were at. You followed Leon until you two were blocked by a locker. You stepped back and allowed Leon to see if he can push it out of the way. Leon was able to move it out of the way, which surprised you slightly but something surprised both of you.

A man, no monster, you couldn’t tell, jumped from the ceiling startling both you and Leon. Leon just stood there shocked however as you shrieked out of fear. You both just stood there for a moment before it slammed and grabbed Leon while it pushed you to the ground. You were dazed for a second before realizing Leon was being slammed against the floor over and over again. You quickly stumbled to your feet. About to ready your shotgun when the monster broke through the floor causing both it and Leon to fall through.

“Leon!”, you quickly yelled about to jump down when a quick jolt of pain from your ankle caused you to fall backwards. You looked down to see Leon trying to evade the monster as it chased him. Leon tried shooting at it but realized it wasn’t doing much. You wanted to jump down and help but that fall might definitely hurt your ankle if you weren’t careful. You knew you had to help Leon but how was going to be tricky, you didn’t have a lot of time. You noticed it’s eye on its arm.

“Leon, Shoot the eye on its arm”, you screamed at him still trying to find a way down there. You kept walking towards the hole that the monster left but immediately turned back around. You were basically pacing. You heard Leon groan in pain for a second. Your face went pale and your heart raced. You quickly looked back at the hole.

“This is stupid and it’s gonna hurt”, you said to yourself preparing to jump down, last time it was a bigger drop so maybe it wouldn’t be as bad. You took a deep breath and jumped down trying your best to land on your left ankle first opposed to the right one. You were sort of sort of successful but the force that went on your right ankle was still enough to cause a quick bit of pain from it, you flinched for a moment before getting up to find Leon. You quickly found him and noticed he was cornered by the monster.

“Hey you!”, you shouted at it, and in which it immediately turned around to face you. Leon looked at you and panicked at whatever you were about to do. You just stood there as it walked over to you slowly. Your breath hitched for a moment, as you hoped maybe Leon could get a good shot on it.

You were about to grab your shotgun when it suddenly grabbed you by the head lifting you up. Panic spread throughout your body, the monster proceeding to crush your skull. You screamed out in pain trying to reach for the shotgun but were unable to. You felt it grip your head tighter and tighter, your breathing becoming very ragged and shallow. You started screaming even louder tears were streaming down your face. Your face is turning red. You wiggled around trying to get out of its grasp causing the syringe in your pocket to fall to the ground.

It felt like forever as you just were in the air with your skull being crushed. You suddenly fell to the ground, very hard. You grabbed your head and curled yourself into a ball. It felt like your head was going to explode and your body felt like a noodle. You could barely move. You saw the syringe in front of you and slowly grabbed it, putting it back in your pocket. You heard many gunshots and curses from Leon.

You laid down for a while, breathing in and out trying to regain your composure. You looked over to where Leon was and saw the monster start stumbling backwards and falling into the abyss. You tried getting up but quickly fell back down.

“Hey take it easy”, he said to you, “are you ok?”, he looked at you worriedly. You tried to smile at him but ended up crashing into him. You fell right into his lips, causing Leon to take a step back. It was a very awkward kiss. Leon forgot that physics still exists and watched you headbutt him.

Well one thing Leon learned is that you had a very durable skull. He placed your head back against the railing so your head could be supported. Leon went out to look for more supplies while you dozed off and unconsciously remembered something.

You looked at the other kids playing on the playground. Laughing and screaming just having a very fun time. You wished you could do the same. You were shy, a little too shy, it had been about a month since you moved to a new school and were having no luck finding any friends. Most of the other kids ignored you when you tried talking to them. You just sat at the swing set alone, sadly swinging by yourself.

“Hey are you ok?” you jumped up startled at the voice, you looked over to see a girl with black hair and green eyes.

“Umm I uh”, you didn’t know what to say or who this girl was, she looked about a year older than you.

“Well I’m Maria, Maria Cortez”, she said at you with a smile, “and this is Frank”, she then pointed at a boy behind her and he shyly smiled at you.

“Hi”, he said with a shy wave

“What’s your name?”, Maria asked looking at you”

“(Y/N)”, you said very quietly.

“Well it’s nice to meet you..hmmm how about we play tag together...all three of us”

You then realized she was talking to you as well and awkwardly pointed at yourself to confirm she was talking to you.

“Yep, how would you like to be friends with us?”, she asked you with a smile, you immediately jumped up excitedly and joined them walking towards the playground. That was the day you met Maria, your childhood best friend and her friend Frank.

“(Y/N), hey can you hear me?”, your eyes fluttered open when you heard Leon’s voice. Your head still hurt like hell but besides that you were pretty ok.

“Yeah”, you groaned out, “my head still hurts like hell though”, you said bringing a hand to your forehead.

“Please don’t do that ever again”, he said and you quickly noticed the blush on his face.

“What are you blushing for?”, you asked more grumpily than you meant it to be.

“It’s just uhh you uhh”, he said awkwardly pointing at his lips.

“I have a cut?”, you questioned very naively tilting your head to the side slightly.

“No”, Leon gulped out, still pointing at his lips, he then started to make kissing noises and you immediately caught on. Leon did this so childishly it made you laugh for a minute then your face turned red.

“W-When”, you stuttered out, “h-how”

“Well you sort of just fell into my lips and it happened, if it makes you feel better you did accidentally headbutt me”

You still were embarrassed about the whole thing but you did laugh after the head butt comment.

“Can you get up?”he asked, offering a hand.

“Yeah”, you said, taking his hand getting up slowly.

“I think someone is watching us”, he said pointing to a ladder. Leon went first to check out the area above

“It’s safe, come on up”, he said as you climbed up the ladder very hastily. Leon helped pull you up. You looked around and noticed you were in a parking garage of sorts. You looked and saw the gate that led outside. Next the gate was a kiosk. Leon looked around to see if any doors were unlocked, sadly all of the doors were locked. You both walked over to the kiosk realizing it needs a key card.

“Damn we need a key card”, Leon said just then you two heard growling, you and Leon slowly turned around. Seeing a zombie dog.

“You gotta be kidding me”, Leon said as the dog came rushing towards you two, Leon quickly shoved you out of the way as you slammed against the floor. The dog then pounced on Leon attacking him. You quickly got up looking at Leon who was now being attacked by the dog, he tried reaching for his gun but was unsuccessful. You were about to grab his gun when a bullet went through the dog's neck.

“Hey”, you heard a woman say, you and Leon both turned towards the voice and saw a shadowy figure.

“Who is that?”, Leon asked her. While you stayed silent

“Stay sharp”, she said, just then the dog tried getting back up but Leon quickly reached for his gun and shot it again.

You instinctively put your hands in the air while Leon sat up and drew his gun.

“Lower it”, she said to Leon before pulling something out of her coat, “FBI”, she then flashed a badge in both of your faces.

Leon quickly put his gun down, “sorry...thank you”, he was cut off by the dog slowly getting up again, the woman shot it, finally killing it this time.

“For the help..”, Leon countunied.

“Surprised you two made it this far”, she said to the both of you, she looked at you, you still had your hands in the air, “you can put your arms down now”

“Sorry”, you said quietly and you quickly put your back at your sides. The woman began to walk away from the two of you. Leon quickly got up weakling towards her.

“FBI, huh, what’s going on here?”, he said to her

“Sorry that information is classified”, she said behind her towards Leon, you caught up to the two of them.

“Where are you going?”, Leon asked the woman. She slowly turned back towards Leon.

“Do yourselves a favor; stop asking questions and get the hell out of here”, she said at him she then walked away.

“Hey where are you going?”, he yelled at her as she went through a door. You grabbed his hand, stopping him for a second. He looked at you confused.

“We don’t know who she is”,you whispered. You didn’t really trust her. Leon just turned back towards where she left. He sighed before walking around the garage seeing if anything was left there. You just followed him. You saw him digging through the trunk of a car. He stopped for a minute.

“(Y/N) can I ask you something?”, you just looked at him curiously.

“Y-yeah”, you gulped, you saw him hesitate for a second. He was trying his best to phrase his words.

‘“Why do you have a syringe in your pocket?”

[theother-will-grayson]

The Marathon

Fandom: Scrubs

Ship: Jdox

Word count: 2,777

Notes: So yeah uhhh if you didn’t know, this is an old ass blog and I am still officially a Scrubs stan, so if this is a surprise to you...I’m sorry. Here’s a little Jdox oneshot because my rewatch is giving me feels.

Summary: One hard night at the hospital brings two pining doctors together.

Also on FFN and AO3

JD wasn’t the most athletic guy growing up, and he certainly wasn’t anymore, but from 7th grade until he graduated high school, he participated in a horrible, deadly, thrilling sport called cross country. Initially, it had been the bright idea of his optimistic father in a fit of wishful thinking. Optimistic, because 7th grade JD looked like a stiff breeze could give him a panic attack, and the thought of running in front of people in the woods nearly made him go catatonic.  But as time went on, he realized it helped a lot with stress and anxiety, whether he was any good at it or not.

There was this race, hosted by the Minooka Mountain Lions. It was the longest course in the conference. High school kids ran 5ks, or about 3.1 miles, but by middle school standards, the winding 1.8 miles of Minooka Park’s trails may as well have been a marathon. And at the end, a hundred scrawny twelve year olds were expected to drag themselves up a hill that seemed to shoot straight into the sky before shoving themselves across the finish line at a dead sprint. The year asthmatic, skinny, pale JD, pre-puberty and all elbows and knees, joined the team, it was the first race of the season, so they all had about a week and a half of conditioning under their belts. It was like asking toddlers to conquer Europe.

The race day came, no matter how much Johnny begged it not to. The gun went off, he jogged a bit and then walked on and off for, like, a mile, and when he turned the corner out of the woods and saw the most legendary sledding hill in the county looming over him, he fully stopped at the foot of the hill, not even noticing the parents screaming encouragements or the equally skinny and asthmatic competitors passing him. He simply stared up at the slope, awed by its incline.

That’s how he felt staring at a 12 hour on-call shift on Christmas Eve with Dr. Cox, a board member in the ICU, 4 car accident victims, one of which had already coded twice, and a young man desperately awaiting a kidney. It was the same feeling, only this time he didn’t start puking Gatorade so violently that his dad had to run onto the course and help him to a porta-potty while a coach directed traffic around his stinking lunch.

At least, not yet.

The door to the on-call room swung open, a figure standing in the door frame, and his heart was in that race again, fleeing his chest in a panic

In a rare moment of Christmas spirit, Kelso had granted a small splurge for some fairy lights in a few places around the hospital. Their twinkling light cascaded through the open door and cast Doctor Cox’s sharp silhouette in a gentle glow. JD had never seen anything so beautiful in his life.

“Let’s get to work, Newbie.”

The hill loomed.

JD barely registered what he was doing, his world becoming a blur of rooms, beds, faces, charts, pens, needles, and Perry. Perry wasn’t blurry. Perry’s hand was on his shoulder, Perry’s eyebrows were furrowed as he wrote, Perry didn’t even blink while tossing JD a chart. And every time he got a chance to finally close his eyes, it seemed like only seconds later that Perry was shaking him awake, helping him to his feet. God, his feet. He just wanted to get off his feet.

Despite the rants and the fights and the distinct lack of affection that JD caught himself daydreaming about, they made a good team. One to think and process, one to bark for efficiency. One to feel, and one to do. One to ground the other. They had to snap at each other, shove charts in each other’s faces, whistle, touch, anything to keep one another focused. Suddenly the hill was muddy. JD was injured, Perry was barely awake, someone was shooting at them, and they were dragging each other up the slope, JD screaming for bandages — 

Just a dumb fantasy. Focus, JD. No, don’t. You’re in a brief moment of blessed peace. Savor it. He tilted his head back against the wall, just wishing he could sit, but knowing the trip to the break room would only waste his precious respite. Perry was handing him coffee.

And then, his pager. Perry’s pager. They locked eyes as they recognized the room number. 

Zoe.

Among all the christmas bustle there was one of the usual snow related accidents on the freeway. A little 7 year old girl had been in the pileup. Her 16 year old brother, Charlie, had been behind the wheel driving in his first snow. He was dealing with broken ribs and internal bleeding, but he looked like he was going to pull through. Zoe had been touch and go for a while, but she had seemed stable enough. What the hell had happened? He abandoned his coffee without hesitation. Charging towards her room, all JD could think about was how young she was, how guilty her brother had felt about the whole thing and how relieved he’d been when he’d found out she was stable. 

She wasn’t dead yet.

JD pushed every thought that wasn’t do this now out of his head as he sprinted down the hall, his stethoscope bouncing on his chest, running on his toes, muddy tennis shoes digging into the earth and bounding up tree roots like stairs…

“Starting CPR.”

It was probably going to rebreak her ribs but he didn’t care. Broken ribs are common when bending them two inches past their normal state, especially when they’re barely healed on a little girl.

He was sweating from the effort of the compressions. His heart was pounding. He found himself wishing for the magical ability to transfer his racing heartbeat to this little girl, to give her his shallow breaths.

“C��mon…” He was climbing uphill, carrying Zoe on his back. She was heavier than she looked. His lungs burned, his calves screamed, but he pressed on. The end was so close.

But medicine isn’t a race. There’s no finish line that you have to push for, no giant timer telling you your level of success, no string of plastic flags to funnel you into the blessed end. Saving lives has a time limit. If you’re not fast enough, the finish line disappears.

Zoe ran out of time.

He slumped to the floor outside the room. Doctor Cox stood above him. “Can’t win ‘em all, Newbie.”

All he could do was rejoice in being off his feet.

He could feel Perry’s eyes on him as he decided whether he wanted to listen to the half of his brain that begged for sleep, or the half that knew he didn’t deserve it. For a moment, it almost seemed like Dr. Cox could hear those voices too, or at least could identify the outward signs. Either way, he simply said, “Go home.”

JD couldn’t even muster the energy to express his surprise. He had come to expect baiting and tricks from his unwilling mentor, but for once he seemed genuine. He hauled himself to his feet again. God. “Merry Christmas, Doctor Cox.” And that was the closest they would get to a fanfare, to a roaring crowd praising them for collapsing across the finish line.

The sliding doors opened to greet his approach and a gust of wind dusted a few flakes of snow onto the carpeted entrance. The asphalt had already been salted, leaving goopy gray puddles of slush that squished and splashed in grainy chunks beneath his sneakers. But beyond the parking lot, outside the perimeter of the hospital, the snow glinted off the trees colored by dancing Christmas lights.

His mind wandered to his apartment, to Turk and Carla, who were already asleep in the apartment. They would wake up only a few hours after he got home, ready to celebrate and smile and laugh with their favorite third wheel.

He thought about that warmth, that contentment, that boost that he couldn’t bring himself to believe he deserved, and decided he wasn’t ready to leave.

Suddenly invigorated, JD about-faced and power-walked to the nurse’s station, filled with anxious adrenaline that he knew was a sprint and could only last a moment.

“Where’s Doctor Cox?”

The nurse pointed, and before he could stop himself, JD had flung open the door to the on-call room. Breathless, he wondered if the lights silhouetted him the way they had Doctor Cox mere hours ago. He’d been breathless then, too.

“Belinda, what are you —”

“Is anyone else in here?” He was stalling — he knew the answer.

“Not a soul. Newbie —”

JD shut the door behind him, at a loss for what the hell to do next.

“Sasha, you’d better go ahead and tell me what the hell is happening or so help me —”

“I don’t want to go home.”

Silence. JD cringed, realizing how childish he sounded. But that was just it. He felt like a child, reduced to basic emotions of tired, frustrated, sad. He couldn’t express anything else. Not that he should, even if he were able. He couldn’t just say, “Kiss me so I know that everything will be okay.” Like most things, that was better left in his head.

“Come here.”

JD obeyed semi-consciously. Dr. Cox’s warm hands connected with his shoulders, their heat spreading through his veins like ink in water and guiding him toward one of the beds. JD had a brief flash of clarity, realizing he was about to be tucked in. Child, his brain scolded. He ignored it, toeing off his shoes and folding himself under the thin blankets.

Dr. Cox sat on the edge of the bed, half on and half off. The sight of his profile, curved forehead, elegant nose, full lips, strong jaw, outlined against the navy darkness behind him took JD’s breath away. With all the running and the shoulder touching and closeness, he hadn’t even taken a moment to question why Dr. Cox hadn’t already put his foot up JD’s ass. Before he could dwell on it, let alone say anything, Perry’s fingers were in his hair and every one of JD’s brain functions stalled.

“It’s been a while since this job got to you, huh? Yeah I think you’re about due for a breakdown.”

His throat felt thick. Despite finally being in bed, off duty, off his feet, JD felt less like relaxing and more like crying.

“Now, me, I had mine last week, a few days after Jordan finally decided to leave for good. So I’m a solid rock. Whatever you need, Newbie, I’m here.”

All he could do was nod.

Dr. Cox sighed, the soothing motion of his fingers combing through JD’s hair as steady as his presence ever was. “What I’m saying there, Newbie, is that there’s no shame in letting go and breaking down, as long as you’re still ready to put your dukes up the next day and take some more punches.”

So he let go.

He had cried in front of his reluctant mentor several times, but never like this. These weren’t angry tears or exhausted tears or frustrated tears. These were all of the above, shoved down for god knows how long. And Dr. Cox endured it, scratching gently at the short hairs on the back of his neck and not saying a word. Minutes passed, and JD felt his mind coming back to him, along with the clarity he needed to be embarrassed. He sat up, shoving the heels of his hands into his eyes as if trying to force the tears to stop flowing. Dr. Cox gripped his wrists and pulled them away.

“Sorry,” JD said. Whether he was apologizing for the tears or the self-abuse, he did not know. He reclaimed his hands, which felt heavier than he remembered, and lifted the sleeve of his scrubs to wipe his eyes.

“Maggie, if you didn’t gather from my highly out of character kind speech from before your little sobfest that you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, I’ll repeat it in a way that you can understand.” Perry gripped JD’s chin, and oh how he wanted that to be real affection. “This. Place. Sucks. And no matter how thick your skin is, this hellhole is going to get to you. Bottling it up will drive you crazy, Newbie. Take it from someone who knows.”

“...Thank you.”

“Of course.” 

Of course. What an odd response to a thank you. As if JD shouldn’t expect anything less.

It was then that JD realized that Perry had let go of his chin, but their faces were still achingly close. He could feel Perry’s breath on his lips, beckoning him closer. It was so tempting to reach forward and kiss him, not in some fireworks display first kiss full of romance novel heat and passion, but to just kiss him once on the lips, once on the neck, and just fall asleep in his arms as if they’d been lovers for years.

The unusual comfort and warmth was getting to him. He was drunk on the affection and everything felt so twisted, but he was spellbound, unable to move away. Only closer.

And closer

And closer

And—

Dr. Cox put a hand on his chest. “Newbie—”

“No,” he interrupted firmly. “No more excuses.”

And just like that, they connected. It wasn’t a fireworks display, but it wasn’t familiar either. It was easy, natural, electric. Like he was meeting Perry Cox for the first time. It was that final sprint, pushing everything he had into gaining seconds. It almost snuck up on him. One second he was enjoying the scent of Perry’s cologne up close and the next they were gripping each other’s faces, enraptured by the taste of one another. For a few unending moments, they couldn’t get enough of each other. For a few brief infinites, they gave into the absolute irresistibility of one another, the magnetism that they had fought for so long. And like magnets, they clicked into place.

And then they parted, slowly, achingly. Their lips hovered centimeters apart as they tried to breathe in one last taste.

JD pursed his lips, his head swimming as he fought for the courage to speak. “I…” just do it, Dorian. “Um, I have feelings for you.”

A tense pause. And then, he laughed. Doctor Cox actually laughed, and JD froze.

“That’s your glorious love confession?” Perry said, still grinning against his lips. “‘I have feelings for you?’ Surely after years of pining you can come up with something better than that.”

JD felt like an idiot. Of course. Of course Doctor Cox didn’t reciprocate. This is why he didn’t say anything for so long, because he knew it would turn out this way. All thought was replaced with action. He panicked and pulled Perry in for another passionate kiss, one he couldn’t escape from. Just keep kissing, pretend it never happened.

He seemed to gain ground for a moment before Perry shook off his surprise and pulled away, ducking another attack. 

“JD,” He said. “I have feelings for you too, they’re complicated, messy feelings, but there’s no use denying them anymore.

JD felt the breath leave his body. “Really?”

A chuckle and a sweet kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Give me a chance to speak before you panic next time.”

Next time. There would be a next time. JD had been waiting for this moment since the first day of his internship. Perry Cox was confessing his feelings while kissing him in the on-call room, and suddenly he couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. They clicked into place once again, grinning against each other’s lips. JD sprung forward, and they fell together, tumbling and laughing and kissing and feeling and lifting shirt hems and grabbing skin and— 

“Not here, Newbie.” The nickname had never sounded so sweet. “Not now.” He granted JD a kiss. “Soon, I promise. But not in this dump.”

JD wanted so badly to protest, but he was so goddamn tired, and Perry’s arms looked so inviting. His face fit perfectly in the crook of his harm, and fingers came to ruffle his hair briefly, but JD didn’t let them leave. Perry chuckled and obeyed, gently scratching at JD’s scalp until his eyes could barely stay open. 

Every shift at the hospital felt like a race, filled with hills and obstacles. But Perry...Perry had been a marathon. And it felt so good to cross the finish line.

[riddlesandqueries]

Somebody Sure As Hell Messed Up (Part 4)

(In which Music Meister, nee Dennis Prowell, and The Toyman, rarely known as Winslow Schott, have a revealing conversation over board games.)

"I like to know as much information as I can. It helps things run smoothly." said the Toyman.

Dennis took a deep breath in, then out. No theatrics this time. "Fine. You want the real story. Here it is.”

“...This was a team effort: I was showing her a night on the town. After that whole 2000 scare I just thought a day to celebrate the New Year was what she needed. What I said about breaking in was true. We were stealing ... miscellaneous goods when your bowl arrived. It wasn't until the building started to crumble apart when she pushed me into the hand though. So there it is. Are you happy?"

"Really? She actually pushed you? That's something I'd expect her to do to me, not you. You two were supposedly pretty chummy." Winslow leaned in.  "Goes to show you, she's a dangerous one."

"Well I would've expected Lyle to be more of the type to do such a thing. But I softened him up. I suppose I just didn't have enough time to get close to Darci. At least not to the point of being as chummy as you'd think." Dennis made a meek attempt to whistle to fill in the silence, but the mic on him kept making the pitch off key and weird. Definitely something he stopped a few seconds in. "I doubt she'll come over for some tea. You got no use keeping me around if that's the case."

"Oh she'll come. I've got my best man on it right now. And you'll be staying for a while. I can't help but be a little suspicious, you know? And we can keep each other company until our little reunion!" said Winslow, failing to hide the excitement in his voice.

"Suspicious? Me? Perish the thought."  Shit. You blew it, Prowell. Dennis bared a smile that was more than a little ingenuine. "So. We're going to 'keep each other company?'"

"Naturally! I haven't had a guest over in a very long time. Tell me, do you like board games?"

A very long time, huh? "Board games are fun." Dennis tried to match Winslow's energy. In truth, Dennis was much more fond of scrapbooking news articles about crime than he had been about board games when he was a child. The only board game he's truly interested in is D&D, but that was neither here nor there.

"I have quite a few, but be warned! I've had a lot of time to practice." One of the doors to the room slid open to reveal a tall shelf full of colorful boxes.

"Ah, well! It looks like you've got a lot of things to keep us occupied. Ha." God. I wish Hartley were here...

"How about Battleship? Or Chutes and Ladders?" Winslow hopped down off of his chair and went to the shelf to peruse the collection. "Or maybe Connect Four?"

Yeah... Hart's just the person I'd want to see right about now. "Now, Battleship's something I know haha!"

"Oh boy! Sounds good to me!" He grabbed the box from the shelf and took his seat again,  pulling the screens out of the box and sliding one down to Dennis. Winslow began setting up his side.

Dennis followed suit. "So you haven't had a friend over in a long time?"

"No, not since Peter. And I can't even remember the time before that. Mostly, it's just me and the friends I make myself. Uh, just say when you are ready."

He gave a thumbs-up in response. "G7. Merkel? Oh! He's been over at Sel's a couple of times. Very fond of Twister I've heard." Dennis then stopped for a moment. "Wait, then how did you meet Darci? Was it a henchgirl for hire gig gone to pot?"

"M-miss; J4" Toyman’s voice stammered as he placed a piece in his water. "You... you don't know do you? That's... kinda funny actually. You haven't noticed anything, well, peculiar about her, have you?"

"Hit. B2. No, nothing that would warrant suspicion. But that's coming from a Gotham resident. Maybe that sort of stuff flies past me." He stopped, just for a moment. "Then she's got something wrong with her, huh?"

"Oh no, she's perfect." He paused.  "Well, correction: she was a little bit more rebellious than I expected. Hit! J5."

"Miss. B3" Rebellious, he says. Rebellious. Sure you can call a student or criminal rebellious. But a lover? Not unless you got something wrong with your own methods... "Is that so?"

"Hmmm, Hit. You sunk my destroyer! J3?" said Toyman, considering his move. "You think you've got someone figured out, and they go and manage to turn your life topsy-turvy. I just don't know how she did it, but oh boy, did she."

"Hit. A1. You could say that about anybody though. Everybody's kinda got layers to them you know. Like tree rings. Or cake."

"Miss. J2. I suppose that's true, but she really isn't just anybody."

"Hit. A5. Then who is she?"

"She is mine." said Toyman, pointedly, before clearing his throat. “Ahem. Miss. H3."

... Noted. "I'll rephrase the question. What was she like to you? Miss. F6."

"At the start, she was my perfect doll. Then a switch was flipped, and she fled. Eventually, that Big Blue Bully got jealous when I tried to get her back, but we fled together. I thought it would be different, or rather back to the way things were, but she was just as manipulative as she was when she left. Hit. J1."

"Hit. The ship has sunk. F5." ... This bitch is lonely. If I connect the pieces together, then he's probably been wallowing in his misery ever since. "That sure sounds rough. I totally get it. Is there anything you've done for yourself since she left?"

"Oh, you know. Just a lot of work around here. Trying to stay busy. I started my blog, but that didn't really pan out...Miss. E7?"

"Hit. C9." Bingo. "Maybe you could benefit from getting out more. I mean more than just a blog. Get some friends with different perspectives. Live a little. You discover more about yourself that way."

"I don't know where to begin with something like that.” replied Toyman plainly. “It's not like someone like me can just go out and try to chat with random people. People would take one look at me and want to run. It might be different over in Gotham, but over here, they would never. Miss. F6."

"You started off with your blog. And that got Peter to talk to you. That was a good starting point.

 Maybe you could do the same thing. But you know. Without any alias or villain names. Then you wouldn't limit the people who share your niche interests to just rogues. Hit. C4"

"Miss, G7, And I don't think I can. I'm not much else but "The Toyman" anymore. I've devoted my entire life to get revenge on one man, and some alien takes him out before I got to try again. I'm not sure I am who I was anymore because I've been me for so very long."

"Hit. You sunk my ship. G1." Maybe that's why Darci ran off. Tch. "Then... Let's start off even smaller. Yeah. Bake the layers of your cake before you make the frosting! We'll just have to find some hobbies that click. Then we can go from there."

"Well, obviously I like toys. Uhhh, mechanical engineering? And movies.” He seemed curious, despite the mask. “Miss. C3"

"I'm sure there's plenty of other people out there who like movies and engineering too. Ever thought about joining a STEM group? Miss. F7."

"Hit. C9? There probably are, but what if they don't like me, or they find out who I am?"

"Hit. F8. If they're really your friends they wouldn't care, would they?" replied Dennis easily, although as his words settled in, he couldn’t help but wonder… I'm sure there's going to be someone to get me out of here. Hopefully not Darci… What if they've already forgotten about me? Or that they wanted me gone this whole time and they're celebrating my death as the minutes pass by? ...But that couldn't be the case. Almost everybody loves me!...Right?

"Hit. C10...I'm... not sure I want to talk about this anymore." murmured Toyman, presumably glancing away. "Do... do you like any movies?"

"Hit. F9." It's your funeral. "Oh, sure I like movies." Dennis smiled.

"Hehehe! Miss! C8? Do you have a favorite movie? O-or maybe a favorite genre?"

"Hit. E9, and… I only ever liked Quentin Tarantino flicks." he replied, with a blissful smile to accompany his lie. "I've always been enamored by the harsh reality of crime. It's just so intoxicating. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Miss. C7? Really? That's quite an interesting revelation about you, Mr. Prowell. I would have pegged you as just a musical fan, but that's what I get for assuming. I must admit it might not completely be my cup of tea, but I did enjoy Pulp Fiction."

"Hit. G9. Oh yeah! Crime's always been a big part of my life. My folks have always been a big inspiration for me when it comes to that."

"Miss. C6. Really? Your parents were criminals, then?"

"Hit. E5. Of course. Fine upstanding people they are. Looong before Big Blue came to town. Their old names were Songbird and Fireball. That ring any bells?"

"Miss. C6. They sound familiar, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

"You already played C6. Tch...They were part of an underground gang way back when. But they quit that sort of work before I came along. Never told me why though. Which is strange..."

"Oh, silly me. I meant to say C5. Hmmm... Where were they out of?"

"Hit. You sunk my ship. A8, and...The Intergang, I think. That place used to be big on recruiting metas back in the day. I know that for sure."

"They were INTERGANG? I don't blame them for leaving. Miss. D10."

"Yeah it had something to do with a mix up that led to members getting killed. Least that's what my Pop told me. But my kidnapping was when my folks were especially put off by the business. The first one. Miss. D1"

"'Mix-up?' I wouldn't be surprised if that's just what Mannheim said to cover his tuchus. I still wish I could have been the one to finally stop that bully. Miss. B10"

"Wait, you were after Manheim? Which one?"

"Bruno. That awful devil sent my father to prison and ruined my entire life."

"I was fucked over by Moxie Manheim! Damn old coot must be in his grave by now... Anyways! You know how there's an initiation to join?"

"Ha! Well, it's a small world after all! I think I heard something about it somewhere. Why?"

"Yeah, well... Moxie didn't really enjoy that Songbird and Fireball ditched the Intergang to start a family, so he decided to keep tabs on them. Their weaknesses and all that. Now, Moxie also had some new recruits lined up waiting to be official members." Dennis leaned in, conspiratorial.."He's got a big criminal brain as you know, so he thought it'd be real wise to make me a part of the initiation. Killing two birds with one stone, as they say."

"D-did they do it?" asked Toyman, on the edge of his seat.

"Of course they did it! Stole me away while my folks were vulnerable! Nothing much I could've done, figuring this was back in 1977." Dennis collected himself. "But they weren't having it! This was the last straw, Winslow!" He held up his index finger rather righteously. "And you know what happened?"

Winslow leaned closer in anticipation. "What?"

"They snuck in there and took me back! But not without a musical number first!" said Dennis proudly. Plain as day, he looked up to his parents: it showed in the glow of his smile.

"That must have been an absolute delight to see. So, you inherited your powers from a parent? Songbird, I presume? What could Fireball do?"

"She shoots a flare gun." he grinned. 

"Truly fascinating! Um, also, it's still your turn. B10. Was that the last they heard from Mannheim and company?"

"Miss. B10. Oh no. not at all. A bunch of failed attempts were made afterwards. And well, since Moxie's departure, Bruno was the guy looking out to see if they were any trouble. But now that Bruno's dead and Vito doesn't really care. There's some peace." Something, just then, just clicked into Dennis' mind. And oh how ironic it was. "Until now."

"Miss. B5.” sighed Toyman. "If you are referring to me, please don't be so dramatic. I mean you no harm, unless you mean it to me. I only want a little incentive for Darci to come here. And if she pushed you into my robot's clutches like you said, perhaps her final capture will be something you can relish as well."

"Miss, B5...Hmmmm.” thought Dennis, smiling a bit. "Well... I just find it hilarious that out of all the villains who I fall into the clutches of, it had to be the one that happens to despise the Manheims the most." He started fidgeting with a red piece in his hand. "Call it a hunch, but this seems a lot like destiny."

"It was quite the coincidence! As I said earlier, it's a small world. I might not say destiny, but who knows? Miss, D5?"

"Miss. E2. Well, nothing's impossible, kid."

"Miss. I8...Perhaps." Winslow fell silent, awkward.

"Miss. H1...For someone called the Toyman, you're not much of an optimist are you?"

"Miss. H8. For someone named Music Meister, you're not much of a musical film fan."

"It's not my fault that musicals are better on the stage." He smirked. “Miss. J6. Much more of an experience, you know? To go out and see something like that live and in the present."

"Miss. I9. I... see your point. But you're right, optimism isn't my strong suit anymore..."

"Anymore? Then that means there was a point in time where you were an optimist!" There's still hope!

"When I was a kid, sure. But after my father was sent away, well, it hasn't been very easy."

"Have you been to therapy for that?"

"No, my foster families never wanted to pay for something like that."

"But your foster families don't control you anymore, you're a free man! If you're able to afford it, at least give it a try."

Winslow buries his masked head into his hands. "But can a wanted man like myself just waltz into some therapist's office without a dozen people calling the police on him?"

"People wouldn't recognize you without...the mask, would they?" asked Dennis, curious.

He looks up with a shrug. "I'm 4' 10", and have a rather distinct voice. They might not know my face, but they still might know me. If I'm lucky, then everything would be fine, but if I'm not, then I might be in a lot of trouble.”

"Jeez, Metropolis has got some shit health care, doesn't it? If that's what's keeping you from healing... Hmm." Dennis tried to come up with an appropriate counter argument.

“I9. Being a supervillain isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"...But being an actor is! I've got it! And it's brilliant! Maybe we can't do much about your height, but you can do something about your voice and movement!...Oh. Sorry. Miss. H3."

"C-come again?" Toyman was genuinely surprised. "I don't... I'm not really... um...Miss. G2."

"Yeah, okay. You'd have to practice speaking from your diaphragm, but that's gonna be a sinch cause you got a performer around!" Dennis pondered. "Maybe change the names a bit for this new persona... That'd work so you wouldn't have to lie in therapy per se. We all know that goes nowhere."

Dennis made a square with his index fingers and thumbs to frame Winslow.

"I can totally see your persona now Winn! Hit! I10!"

"I'm not... sure... what you're talking about? I.....?" flustered the Toyman before sighing. "Miss. F2."

"You seem so deadset on people hating you, right?  And the inability to socialize and get proper therapy is what's holding you back from being a healthy and paranoid free individual, right? 

So, we just need to make you a persona so people won't know you're the Toyman! So people won't ‘hate’ you! It's a genius plan! I swear!" smiles Dennis, putting heavy finger quotes on the word hate, as  he genuinely didn't believe that everyone everyone hates him. “Oh! Hit! F10."

"I don't think... Let me just say: I don't want to be anyone else. I am me, no matter how awful my life has been, I can't really change it. If I try to make a new me, that can only take me so far before I just go back to being me. I can't make people stop disliking or fearing me. But I have been trying to change the way I go about what I do. I wanted to stop Mannheim from ruining any more families' lives, and I want to help make sure no more families are robbed of their lives because of some self-centered sneak!" Winslow’s voice slowly rose to a shriek, before he finally settles back down into his chair with another sigh. "Miss. H2."

After a brief pause, Dennis gently pat Winslow in the shoulder. "You're gonna lose your voice if you keep yelling like that." sighed Dennis kindly. "I get that you're trying to be noble and save families and whatnot, but if you keep going about this like a self-deprecating martyr, then soon there won't be much left of you to save any families. Hit. I4."

He shrinks away from the first pat, but eases on the following. "...Yeah, I suppose. But at least I did help, right? Miss. I2."

"Yeah. Yeah you did. Hit. H2."

There was a pause as Winslow looked down at the table. Without looking up, he muttered “Hit. E2...and...thanks."

There's the ticket. Actually, this time… "No! Noo! It's just what friends do." A warm, glowing smile swept across Dennis’ face. "If you really think people won't like you, then I won't push it anymore. But I like you. I like your motives too. So don't stress about it that much."

"Y-you like me? I'm your friend?"  said Winslow, genuinely taken aback.

"Of course!" Dennis said, minimizing the situation.

"I... I've always wanted a... a real friend..."

"If you wanted a friend, then why didn't you just ask?" Dennis gave Winslow that same warm glowing smile as he stood up.

Winslow sat still for a couple seconds before his emotions did finally catch up to him. He sobbed slightly but collected himself quickly. "Thank you so much!" he said, much happier than he'd sounded before. "So...E2?"

[ahiddenpath]

Fanfic Authors Tag Game

I was tagged by @tottwritesfanfic, thank you!

AO3 name(s): I’m ahiddenpath on both FF.net and AO3 Fandoms:  Digimon.  That’s it xD Number of fics:  Uh... 12.  But they range in length from 2,000 to over 400,000 words x_x

I’ll throw the questions below the cut!

1. Fic I spent the most time on:

I’d guess Growing Up with You, since it’s the longest.

2. Fic I spent the least time on:

Definitely So You Were Alive, which I wrote and posted in under two hours.  I had a brain itch and just wanted to scratch it, stat xD

3. Longest fic:  4. Shortest fic:

See above xD

5. Most hits:

Oh, uh...  Let me check my FF legacy stats.  Okay, it’s Growing Up with You, which makes sense, as it has the most chapters.  

6. Most kudos:

Oh hmm :/  Sadly, I didn’t start posting on AO3 until much later than FF.net, and it only has a few of my stories (due to FF.net blocking the story port option).  After August has the most.

7. Most comment threads:

Four Years has the most reviews!  Man, I miss my readers for that one.

8. Favorite fic I wrote:

Auuughhh hmm...  I think After August is my “best” story, somehow?  It explores trauma from different perspectives, and I learned a lot from it and hashed out some of my own thoughts and feelings on the subject.  From a technical stance, it’s one of the few stories I’ve written with a plan for every chapter from the start and a single, focused theme.  I think it’s really impressive and heartfelt and just... 

But that doesn’t mean it’s my favorite?  Like, it’s a heavy story, naturally, and I’m often not in the mood for it.   

I know that Growing Up with You was... emotionally important to some readers?  It ran about 423K words from 2012-2017, so a lot of the readers actually... did... grow up with it!  I’ll still receive the odd message from someone saying something like, “I READ THIS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL AND NOW I’M READING IT AGAIN IN COLLEGE IT’S LIKE COMING HOME” and then...  I cry?  Or they’ll run into Eimi again in another story and be like, “IT’S EIMI, I REMEMBER HER FROM MIDDLE SCHOOL,” and it’s just a torrential downpour of feels on my end.

I don’t know why people love this one so much...  Maybe it’s a mixture of the length and the run time + how earnest I was while writing it?  My early writing under this pen name was...  NOT Pacha meme-able...  But I was going through a lot and trying to figure things out with a story, and I think maybe people felt that and responded to it?  Like, GUWY is a mess, but it’s...  An honest, earnest mess.

But my personal fave stories these days are about the Chosen as adults, so I gotta throw Seeking Resonance a nod!

9. Fic you want to re-write:

Augh, Growing Up with You.  I started it in 2012 and didn’t see the Japanese subbed until...  I dunno, 2014 or 2015, when I was already like 200-300K in.  It’s a nightmare!  The Chosen ages are wrong, the honorifics, forget it, it’s got that awful “Japanese human names + English digimon names” mess...  

And then, at some point, I watched the Japanese sub on Netflix and made a story bible for it, and it was fine.  But there was a lot of not fine before that, lol!  And that’s all before I get into actual editing and changes I’d like to make!

The trouble with rewrites is that, as long as you are writing, you’ll improve.  That means that you might want to rewrite everything again in six more years.  That makes me wonder if it’s worth it to go back, or if I’m better served by producing new things and seeing how far I’ve come.

10. Share bit of a WIP or a story idea you’re planning on:

Oh oh oh!  I have a page on my blog devoted to future story ideas!  I don’t know if pages work on mobile, though.  

And that’s all!  Uhhh please feel free to send asks if you have any questions about my fanfics and writing (either existing or upcoming)!  

I am contractually obligated to tag, so I’ll tag people who I know write fanfics: @fizzingwizard​ @firstagent​ @skuag​  But please don’t feel pressured!

[pumpkins-s]

4 17 21 23

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

I’d love to share original work but I am, as always, notoriously cagey, so:

Let’s go with a classic from Not As Simple-- “Like static,” he admits softly. “Like memory undone. Every time I think I know, I forget.”

I can’t really explain why I love this line so much? I mean...it’s obvious I do, it’s my freaking blog header. I guess I just love the wording of it--what is more terrifying, or more beautiful, than memory undone? To know something and then lose it, over, and over, and over. It’s the essence of Not as Simple to me--that horror of loss, and that love despite it. It’s a theme I think pops up a lot in my work in general.

17. Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

As much as I love the concept of just beaming my intentions with my work into people’s brains, I think it’s inevitable people will perceive my work differently than I do. It’s something I seem to struggle with a lot in my original work--though sometimes I honestly wonder how much of that is on me and how much of it is just that my classmates are kind of just...skimming it. 

I think my fanfiction readers are much more willing to engage with my work on its level--though maybe it helps that fanfiction largely plays in other people’s worlds that are already fully constructed. I do think I probably come off as a different, perhaps more confident writer than I am, though. I am an incredibly anxious person--I kind of live in a constant paranoia I’ll fuck up something in my work Big Time, either story wise or like...by writing something Problematic, and I’ll let people down and let myself down. This affects me most in my original work, but people would probably be surprised how much it affects my fanfiction as well. Sometimes it’s retroactive--especially since a lot of my older fanfics I wrote without much forethought as a teenager (or, once, as a very drunk teenager)--but I worry about them to this day. I’ve considered deleting or orphaning multiple works--including SLAOS, believe it or not--because I just...worry intensely about them. I’m not very good at going “it’s fanfiction, I wrote this as a teenager, of course it’s imperfect or silly or slightly problematic on accident, it happens. I can own up to that.” I’m terrified of hurting people with my work, even if I know it’s an inevitability because there’s so many people in this world and they’re all so different. And one of my greatest fears in life is that I’ve ruined my life/career already, because I wrote some dumb fanfic as a teenager that one day will come back to haunt me in some way I didn’t foresee.

Man that got stupidly heavy, huh...uhhh. Here’s something more cheerful! My readers would probably be surprised how much my stories can evolve as I write them. Not As Simple, for example, I went in with many ideas, esp concerning the fallen children, but a good 2/3s of Act 2 developed as I wrote it. It wasn’t planned when I started the story at all.

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as? (film, webcomic, animated series?)

Honestly I’m a super visual person--and I’ve been told that comes out in my writing a lot. I think if I was a better visual artist than I am, I would have been drawn to comics or animations as a teenager as my Way of Storytelling, rather than prose--which has always come much more naturally to me in terms of vague skill others will acknowledge lol. 

In a perfect world, though, god I’d love to see animated series of several of my original story concepts. I’d settle for self-illustrated novels, but unless my art improves a lot in the coming years, that’s never going to happen. Luckily, my girlfriend is an aspiring filmmaker, so I might get film adaptions of some of my work through sheer nepotism. 

23. What’s the story idea you’ve had in your head for the longest?

Hm. Hm. Amongst my original work...I developed a concept for an elementals-based fantasy series in middle school I still think I’ll come back to one day (not remotely related to Avatar so don’t come for my ass). But amongst projects actually near the writing stage? The novel I’m planning to work on after I finish my short story collection. I developed the idea for it when I was around 14--it was inspired by my move to Seattle, the decade-long childhood friendship that fractured upon that move, and my queer Realization in high school.

Amongst my fanfics--Not As Simple, totally. Shit I was...16 when I began developing and writing that? And I’m freaking 21 now. Kill me. 

[nekonome-lilyith]

Yay, well let's try this. Been a minute since I've done one but let's go.

Tagged by @aelaer at a date I honestly don't know. Just saw it in my Noti's.

1) Birthday- April 27th

2) Zodiac Sign- Taurus

3) Height- I'm short, like 5'3 if I remember correctly. Something close to that at least. I've stopped hoping I'll grow

4) Last song I listened to: Oh gods, uhhh, "Who am I" by RIELL & Besomorph or "Lemon Boy" by Cavetown. Not sure which one bc I use both Youtube and Pandora for music.

5) Hobbies: Oh boy, I don't have many and I never really do anything but Writing, Painting objects, reading, and maybe you can put social media here. To go further indepth I've been writing for a REALLY long time now but after those initial 2ish years I've been in almost constant writers block due to A) no encouragement or intrest shown unless by my parents B) Friends who normally tell me to stop ["Why are you always writing so much, why not go out and do something" "Oh, I'll read it later." *never brings it up nor asks to read anything* "Why would we care about this?" and so on. Only have one non-family member and he is a fucking angel] and C) I hate everything promptly 3 seconds after I 'finish' it and have no one to convince me otherwise before I delete it :) As for painting it's more of a "I'm stressed" hobby in which I'll buy something from hobby lobby or dollar tree and jaut paint it with random colors. Reading is self explanatory, I have 40+ tabs of fanfic and collections along with like 3 book series I'm working though. Needless to say it's my main hobby.

6) Favorite Color: Hard decision, I fluctuate between those rich deep purples and blues and a wine color. Constanrly I always love black though so pick one of the four.

7) Last Movie I watched: Gods, I watched "Remeber the Titians" a frw weeks ago with Aya, her sister, a Jon so probably that. Hardly watch movies at all.

8) Favorite book: Hard to say, I really have a hard time picking favorites like that. The "Shades of Magic" series by V. E. Schwab was really good so far (haven't finished the last half of the last book) but st the same time I've loved the Artemis Fowl books by Eoin Colfer for years now. There's also "19 souls" by J. D. Allen which kept me on the edge of my seat until the very end. So one of those I guess.

9) Dream Job: I have no clue. When I was small I always said Geologist, from the time I was able to remember until about 10. From there I said Author to appease everyone but that's a hard career choice and with how I am impossible. Ever since I stopped wanted to eb a geologist though it's been up in the air. Psychology and Philosophy always interested me but with no one to encourge me into starting it it's just lurked in the back of my mind. So yeah, guess this can be answered as N/A

10) Meaning behind me URL: Okay this one is pretty simple. So for reasons I can't remember my first oc (outside of Kitsume, which was a one off cosplay) was named Nekonome Lilyith. Found out later that Nekonome came from an anime and no clue where Lilyith came from, but 97% sure I heard it somewhere and it stuck. Spelt it wrong, supposed to be "Lillith" or something like that but I love it and name most of my accounts that. Either "Nekonome Lilyith", "Quin Marly" or, if I share it with Aya, "Aya Dream". Name just holds a close place in my heart since I've meant so many fantastic people using it and, hell, even made myself under it. A lot of my personality has come from the internet in a good way so, yeah.

So, Tagging. No need to reply/play/whatever. Just tagging blogs I'm always on or are run by people I know. Love you guys btw ^^ @snarkyship @80spunkwhore @rabentochter @quietlyapocalyptic

[stephhannes]

new year, who dis

what would be the use in becoming a symbol of walking desolation? awash in multiple griefs, elaborating on anguish. even if i never get to see you again, i’ll know that when we collided we both broke each other open. 

                                                   -mount eerie, love without possession 

i guess it’s been four months since i’ve sat down to write an actual blog. i figured i should at least try to get something out before the new year. 

i’ve tried to write an update a few times over the last couple of months, but every time i tried to write something, it’s just aggressively sad. like that one st. vincent lyric— i try to write you a love song, but it comes out a lament. and while an aggressively sad tone is appropriate to how i’ve been feeling, i’ve been trying to bring less sad energy to the table. (a surprise to everyone, because sad energy is my entire brand). 

I planned to get this blog up by january 1st. and then i kept putting it off. hence why this starts off saying things like, “i guess it’s been four months,” and “i figured i should at least try to get something out before the new year.” today is february 4th, which means it’s officially been a year and a half since nathan died. 

in the last few weeks, i’ve been under a lot of stress. i’m juggling three jobs right now, and somehow still don’t make enough money to survive. i’m sure that at this point, i’ve described to you my bona-fide money saving technique. it’s called “i only eat three days a week because it’s too expensive to feed myself every day,” sometimes, i get lucky, and get the scraps from events at work, and that’s literally like the one (1) thing i look forward to. 

i’m still out here searching for a salary (and health insurance) and hopefully, by my birthday, i’ll have that. but we’ll see, the job search has been uhhh…..abysmal to say the least. 

anyways, in the midst of being stressed, i’ve realized that i really don’t think about nathan all the time like i used to. sometimes i’ll go like two days before i’m reminded of him. the other day, i was like “am i a bad person because of this?” and like, logically, i know that it’s totally normal, but on the other hand, i can’t help but feel guilty because of it sometimes. i feel a sense of responsibility to exist as a reminder of “hey, this person existed, and they mattered,” and while i realize that’s a huge weight to put onto myself, i feel like if i don’t, then who will? 

last night, i was reading house of leaves (which, despite owning a copy since high school, i’ve actually never read it before) and i found nathan’s bookmark (a ticket from a baseball game he went to right after he moved to new york) in it, from when i let him take a few of my books when he moved to nyc. i got weirdly emotional and was like “wow what a fun coincidence to find this item of nathan’s that i’ve never seen before in my life on the 1.5 year anniversary of him dying.” i’m not saying i’m superstitious, but maybe i am a little stitious. 

+++

since the last time i wrote a blog, i’ve kept notes on my phone every time something happens that i feel holds some sort of importance- so here’s what’s been in my notes since august 4th. 

august 24, 2019. 4:17am

when i went into work on august 5th, a coworker of mine asked how i was doing. i was doing alright. the anniversary of nathan’s death really didn’t hit me too hard. i assumed i would have a huge nervous breakdown, and i didn’t. 

then my coworker, who’d also lost a partner, told me, “i hate to sound negative and be the one to tell you this but the second year is a lot harder than the first.”

that’s what i’d been reading online for months, but to hear someone say it to my face i was just like… oh shit. 

and so far, the second year has been harder. 

i’ve officially been out on my own for a month now. 

the best part about having depression is that no matter where you are, you still have depression. i don’t know why i was expecting moving to just alleviate all of my sadness when i know that i’ll always find a way to be miserable wherever i am. 

it’s nice to be out of abilene and at least have the option of opportunity, but i basically just spend all of my free time asleep or crying. 

as the ancient oracle, britney spears, once said- “my loneliness is killing me.”

now that i’ve started getting into a routine, i’m starting to feel that hole in my life again. 

i’m on the same schedule that i was when i lived in new york, almost. 

when we lived in new york, i would leave for work around 4, i’d get home around 11:30, and then nathan and i would hang out until around 4am, and then go to bed. the next day, he’d usually wake me up at a normal time, (or at least 2 hours before i had to be at work). 

and now i have to leave for work around 4:30, i get home around 11, and when i come home i’m just alone. and i lay in bed until i’m finally exhausted enough to fall asleep, usually around 5am. and then i wake up ten minutes before i have to go to work. 

i have been feeling this deep, existential sadness for awhile now. every night, i lay in bed and think about all of the conversations i wish i could revisit with nathan. all of the things i wish i’d said. i relive all of my favorite moments of ours. i am still so desperate to feel close to him again. 

i cannot remember a time in my life when i was excited to wake up. i cannot remember a time when i looked forward to my future. in fact, when i think about my mental health as a child, the only thing i remember is one time when i was 12, my dad bought me tickets to see my favorite band. i was obviously so incredibly excited, and expressed the human emotion of joy, and my mother accused me of being on drugs because she’d “never seen me act like that before.” it was so surprising to her to see me happy that she literally thought i was on drugs.

i’ve been like this for as long as i can remember, except for the two years that nathan and i were together. i was still so depressed when we lived together, but for the first time, i was looking forward to the future. for the first time, dealing with my depression seemed worth it. for the first time, putting effort into getting better made sense.  

for the first time in my life, i didn’t feel alone. 

and it took a lot of effort on nathan’s part to make sure that i didn’t feel alone. the loneliness i’ve always felt is like a self-fulfilling prophecy. i actively choose to retreat from friendships and relationships. i stop responding to texts. i hide away and cancel plans. it’s my fault that i feel isolated- because i isolate myself. and nathan refused to let me do that. when i get stressed, i internalize everything and take it all on my own- and nathan would recognize when i was doing that and beg me to let him help. and i wouldn’t let him help. but he would still do it, because he knew what i needed without me asking and would just quietly provide it for me so that i wouldn’t lose my mind. and a lot of the time the help was just him actively sitting me down and reminding me that i’m in fact, not alone. i’ll never forget when i was so stressed after moving to new york because i was so poor, and nathan telling me that “it’ll be okay. we’ll figure it out.” i never asked him for money, or for help, because i have too much pride for that. but even when i was working, i was struggling to make ends meet for myself, and he would sneakily do things like go to the grocery store and be like “oh hey, i was at the store today and just picked up some chicken for you so you don’t have to go yourself.” there were a few times when i asked him to pick up something from the halal cart for me because i didn’t want to get out of bed and i’d be like “there’s cash in my wallet just grab it” but instead of taking the money from my wallet, he’d just get the food for me, and put the change he had leftover in my wallet for me to have.

but even past that, just emotionally, he’d always reassure me that i wasn’t alone. as soon as he started to sense me doing the thing where i try to isolate myself, he’d just cling to me even harder. 

here’s the thing: i’m too tired to fight for myself, and i don’t have anyone that’ll fight for me the way that nathan did. 

august 29th, 2019. 5:32pm

so here’s the tea: i went on a date for the first time since nathan died. i went out last night, got drunk, got on bumble and agreed to go on a date this morning. so yeah, i was aggressively hungover, which is maybe not the best version of me for someone to meet- but it’s the version i brought to the table nonetheless. and like, it was fine. well, up until the point he was trying to relate to me and my career in theatre and told me that his favorite musical is CATS. his favorite cat is the rum tum tugger, and he can’t wait to see the movie in december. 

it’s not going to work out. CATS is an abomination and i refuse to spend time with anyone who disagrees with that statement. 

on a more serious note: i realized that i definitely don’t have the emotional capacity to date. i just can’t bring myself to care about anything anyone has to tell me about themselves. you have two sisters, your parents divorced when you were 8 and and you love CATS? zzzzz….sorry, that was me blacking out for 7 minutes. 

y’know, i’m unsure about a lot of things in my life. like, don’t try to ask me what i want for dinner because i refuse to make a decision about anything. don’t ask me what my favorite movie is, or my favorite book. i have no idea, dude, sorry. BUT the one thing i have incredible clarity about is what i deserve in a relationship. i had impossibly high standards before nathan and i were together and now they’re even higher- but that’s fine when you don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with scrubs to begin with. 

the other day, i found my journal that i kept in college. it starts in august of 2015, with the eulogy i wrote for my dad’s funeral. an excerpt: “despite me acting like an awful teen at times, he always was on my side. i think that’s what i’ll miss the most. i’ll miss having someone who had my back 100%. i’ll miss having someone who was always making sure i was happy…” and after reading that, i realized why my relationship with nathan was so successful. i’ve always heard that “girls always end up marrying someone like their dad” thing, and for the most part always chalked it up to weird patriarchal bullshit, but maybe there’s a little truth in it. because i definitely see some of my favorite things about my dad reflected in my favorite things about nathan. 

september 30, 2019. 1:09am

sometimes the saddest things must be sung. 

every time i try to write, it’s impossible to say anything that’s not just “i’m sad.” i haven’t been feeling great lately. i just feel trapped in this infinite loop of sadness and it’s so exhausting. i don’t like being like this. nathan would always get so frustrated with me when my depression was really bad, and i’d always be like do you think this is fun for me??? do you think i like being like this??? do you think i wake up and want to be a goblin??? newsflash my dude, i don’t. 

here’s the thing: when nathan first died, i was sad all the time. but it made sense. i had a reason to be sad all of the time. 

but i’m still sad all of the time. i wake up, i’m sad for 10 hours and then i go to bed. and then i wake up, maybe go to work, come home and be sad until bedtime. it’s a constant loop of sadness and i am so tired. 

nothing i do fulfills me. nothing satisfies me. i have neither purpose nor direction. i’m tired. and i’m sad. 

october 2nd, 2019. 7:34pm

i went to urgent care today- turns out i don’t have depression, i just have a torn ligament in my ankle. 

for context: i fell down the stairs at work the other day, crunched my ankle like it was an empty ozarka water bottle, and just wrecked my shit. i think this injury has me sadness spiraling a lot more than i normally do. now i get why nathan used to get so depressed whenever he’d injure himself.

the first time i got really sick after nathan died, i was so sad. this is my first ever really bad physical injury- i’ve never broken a bone or torn anything before, and i’m really feeling the loss of nathan right now. like how am i supposed to feed myself when i can barely walk to the kitchen? who’s supposed to remind me to take my ibuprofen every few hours? 

senior year of college, i kept getting strep, and the only reason i didn’t die is because every 12 hours nathan would call me to make sure i took my antibiotics, even when i had to take them at 2am. i only have two voicemails from him saved on my phone and literally one of them is from 3am and he’s like “hello wake up, your penicillin is calling, i’m gonna keep calling you until you wake up.” 

even though spraining my ankle was a nightmare, it could’ve been worse. just think, if i was a framing device in an emily bronte novel, i would have just had to live at work for five weeks until it healed.

october 11th, 2019. 5:37pm

i haven’t been sleeping lately, and last night i fell asleep around 6am. the cold front had just blown in and it was raining and i finally fell asleep. before i went to bed, i cracked my windows open for the first time this year and when i woke up this morning it was chilly in my room. i woke up in a little cocoon of all of my blankets and pillows and for a moment, before i completely opened my eyes, it felt like i was back in new york, waking up with nathan on a fall wednesday morning. it’s the little things.

october 25th, 2019. 2:19am

i keep thinking about all the things that have returned to me. all of the things that i gave to nathan that are back in my possession, tucked away in my room. like the grey ut shirt that was 3 sizes too big for me- so i gave it to him as a christmas present our first year together. he had been in new york for a semester, and he surprised me by coming to austin for new year’s- we hadn’t talked about christmas gifts or anything, but we ended up giving each other almost the exact same gift. he had gotten me a columbia sweater, and he slept in it for a few days before giving it to me, so it smelled like him. i did the exact same thing with that grey shirt. we couldn’t stop laughing when we exchanged the gifts because we were so amused that we’d gotten the same thing for each other. 

after he died, that shirt was one of the few that i kept of his, he slept in it all the time when we lived together. it still smells like him. 

i don’t wear my rings anymore, but when i see them in the bottom of my jewelry box, i think about the day that i gave him the engagement ring. he was so afraid of me saying no if he were to propose to me, so i told him that when i knew i’d say yes- i’d give him the ring i wanted him to use. on our first anniversary, i was visiting him in new york, right before i flew back to texas, i left a letter on his desk, with the ring attached. it returned to me a year after that, on our second anniversary when he proposed.

the day after nathan died, i went through all of his stuff. mostly because i knew i was about to fly back to texas and i didn’t know when i’d return to our apartment, so i wanted to collect all of his important documents that i didn’t want to lose. social security card, IDs, cards, passport, etc. but when i was digging through his backpack, i found a folder, where he’d kept all of the letters and cards i’d given to him throughout the years.

my personal favorite was an envelope that had two things in it: a sample size of the perfume that i’ve always worn, and a letter that just said “for when you miss me.” i gave that to him before we were even together. it was during that weird ambiguous era of our relationship where we were too afraid to commit, but were definitely in too deep to not commit. every time i would leave his apartment, he’d comment on how his pillows smelled like me, and how he missed me- right after he made his decision to go to columbia, we assumed we would never see each other again, so i gave him that letter. 

i was surprised to see all of those letters because that meant that he moved them from his apartment in abilene, to new york, to our apartment in new york, back to texas, and then to philly. 

so in turn, i moved them from philly, back to abilene, and now they’re with me in a box in austin. 

and i hope that one day all of the love that i gave to nathan will return to me. 

november 4th, 2019. 12:31am

in the deepest, blackest night of despair if you can get just one pinhole of light, all of grace rushes in.

november 19th, 2019. 2:20am

i’ve started taking up space again.

december 20th, 2019. 1:41pm

y’know, i’ve been doing pretty well for myself lately, and by that i mean that i haven’t had any major meltdowns. well, except for a couple of days ago. it was a christmas party, and as we all know- i’m not great at being social. but i also never turn down an invitation, which is a strange combination of things that happen to exist at the core of my being. but luckily, i got a plus one. see, with a plus one, i have a buffer there. i can bring one of my more interesting friends to carry conversations for me and then by proxy i become more able to socialize because i have to expend less energy by having that buffer there. anyways the person i was bringing as my plus one cancelled two hours before the event which meant that i had no time to try to get someone else to come with me. and this threw me into a major breakdown. i didn’t even want to go to the party at this point, but i had spent so much money on an outfit that if i didn’t go i would have wasted like 60 dollars. and i sat there trying to put makeup on to go but i kept crying and ruining it and then i chugged three white claws before even showing up at the party and i didn’t eat beforehand because there was supposed to be food there but by the time i was done crying and arrived, there was nothing left and then i drank 5 glasses of wine because it was free and i have social anxiety, and somehow i made it through the night without making a fool of myself, which is a miracle. 

the thing is, i really don’t get upset about a lot of things. but if someone cancels or changes plans on me, especially plans that we’d had set for at least a month in advance, i lose my god damn mind. there is historically nothing that upsets me more. 

but this time around, i realized that it really hurt me because it was the first time that i was confronted with the fact that i no longer have anyone in my life that prioritizes me. like, if nathan was begrudgingly my plus one to an event, he can’t get out of it- it’s non-negotiable. but like, i don’t hold that level of importance in anyone else’s life- there’s always something more important to them and uhhhhh that feeling sucks. 

+++

and that was the last note i wrote in 2019. which brings us to january 2020. when i think about my relationship with nathan, i feel like january always ended up being a special month for us. in 2016, january was the first time i ever spent the night with nathan. in 2017, nathan came back to texas to see me for the new year, after we’d been long-distance for five months. at the end of 2017, he went out of town for like three weeks, and i was miserable and all alone for the holidays, but in january 2018, his last day of vacation back home in abilene coincided with my first day of vacation back in abilene so we got to see each other for a little bit instead of having to go an entire month apart during the holidays. 

so i always end up getting weird and do a lot of reminiscing in january- but i feel like that’s kind of universal. 

like the #1 thing that everyone does is get all existential and contemplative when the new year hits. 

+++

in 2018, i never stopped moving. like a shark, i would have died if i stayed in one place for too long. and there i was in 2019, finally staying in one place.

it was a lot easier to ask for help when i had a reason to be sad. but now enough time has passed since nathan died that i feel like a burden when i’m not doing well. 

in my blog post wrapping up 2018, i said that my goal was to be kinder to myself. i also said that 2019 was going to be for starting a new life.

and while i’ve been no kinder to myself, at least i’ve made strides in living in this new phase of my life. in 2019 i moved out of my mother’s house, and back into my best friend’s apartment in austin. i got 3 jobs. i cut off all of my hair and pierced my nose. i started taking up space again. 

a few weeks ago, a coworker of mine told me that she had also lost a partner before. but what stuck with me was when she said, “you will never be the same. you’ll be happy again, and you’ll fall in love again- but you’ll never be the same person again”

and i’m realizing how true that is. 

i think one of the scariest scenarios is waking up one day and not remembering who you are. and that’s exactly what happened to me in 2018. i woke up one day without nathan and couldn’t remember who i was. 

one thing everyone’s been talking about lately is how this is the end of the decade, and i realized that nathan was in my life for the entire decade. he was in my life before the decade even started. and then when he died, i lost such a huge part of my identity. there’s a bear’s den lyric that’s like “i don’t want to know who i am without you,” and that’s what 2019 was for me.

kintsugi is the japanese art of fixing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with a lacquer mixed with powdered gold. i’ve always been a vase held by shaky hands, constantly on the precipice of shattering- and in 2018 i was dropped. in 2019, i’ve been finding tiny pieces of myself and trying to piece them back together to form a whole person again. 

recently, i’ve been realizing all of the little pieces of me that are missing. like the part of me that used to be good at holding conversations with people. and the part of me that had the ability to be a person for more than like 3 hours a day. and the part of me that showed excitement about things. i don’t even know what things excite me anymore? do i have interests or hobbies? not really. one time, i described myself as a robot that powers off if i am not at work, and wow, what an apt description.

the other day, one of my friends called me out about how she can never tell if i’m actually excited about something or not. my language is always very vague and even when i’m really stoked about something, i rarely show excitement about it. 

+++

so now it’s february 2020. it’s been a year and a half since nathan died. i’m feeling better. the other day, i came to the realization that i think my emotions have finally leveled off. i’m back to my normal amount of unstable, rather than that really virulent level that i was at for awhile at the end of last year. it feels good to finally have a little bit of control back over my life. i’ve finally really settled in at work, and i’m starting to feel more confident in my capabilities. 

so what are my goals for 2020? i think the biggest thing is to find something that i care about. honestly, probably a big part of the reason why i’ve been having such a hard time finding a Big Girl Job to settle into is because there’s just nothing that i’m 100% passionate about. it’s hard for me to find an answer other than “i’m just trying to not die,” whenever i get asked “so why do you want this job?” i really want to find lasting stability this year. i’m tired of not being able to enjoy anything because i don’t have money. whoever said money can’t buy happiness obviously was never poor because let me tell you, i’d be a lot happier if i could afford to go out with my friends more often. or if i could like…….eat 3 meals a day without feeling guilty for wasting food because i know i can live on just one meal a day. 

i also started doing a skincare routine that involves like 4 different serums and i’ve been doing really well keeping up with doing it twice a day and if i could carry that energy through the rest of the year that’d be dope. i would make a comment about how i’ve been going to the gym every day and how i’m trying to have a 2020 glo-up but i was going to the gym every day for awhile but i haven’t been in like two weeks. 

also my chemical romance just reunited so i guess my other 2020 goal is to see them on this reunion tour.

[himboholhorse-moving]

1 2 4 7 8 9 13 18 20 26 27 29 30 32 39 40 41 43/44 45 46 49 51 53 55 56 57 59 63 65 that is. so many dghsdghsdgv I'm sorry I just see an ask meme and go crazy aaaa go stupid aaaa. You can just answer whichever u like from those!! also 69(nice): you seem rly nice and funny from your 🅱️osts and I appreciate u... I hope you can find better irl friends who aren't trash

HDSKFJKS I completely understand but lucky for u I LOVE to talk !!

1) How are you?

Pretty good, actually!! Which is a nice change of pace. I went to Walmart with some friends yesterday and got a few things, baked a family recipe that my friends LOVE, and finally did my laundry (it’s been a couple weeks we love depression and executive dysfunction dfhkjsfd). I went to Cracker Barrel with some friends and earlier and played a 4-way game of Tetris after. :3c

2) Post a picture of yourself.

Here you go !!

4) What is your entire name?

Sierra Alexis and my last name is something constantly misspelled so I’ll give you the name of a historical figure whose name is a letter off from mine: George B. McClellan, to whom I may or may not be related because last name variations are fuckin’ WEIRD.

7) Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality.

I’m a Capricorn sun and moon, and Libra rising !! And from what I’ve read on Twitter from various astrologers, like Milkstrology, I LOVE her, I’d say it’s pretty accurate with my personality!! I like to say Capricorn’s aren’t cold bitches but, I Have A Tendency To Be One !!

8) What did you do on your last birthday?

God what DID I do on my last birthday… it was in January, so like, I SHOULD remember… OH I went to IHOP with my friends !! I share a birthday with another friend and I got a JoJo notebook and something called a Fuggler! They’re stuffed animals more or less but designed to be “ugly.” I got one that looks like Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty because I LOVE Gritty… he’s so fun and funky.

9) What is one thing you’d like to accomplish before your next birthday?

Get all my requests in my inbox over on my writing blog done KJHFDJKSF it’s been a few months and life has been. Hectic to say the least.

13) If you could change your eye color, would you?

There’s so much weird as hell brown-eye-phobia so like… I think blue eyes would be pretty neat. OR PURPLE… give me some unnatural eye colors pls...

18) Do you have any tattoos?

Not yet!! I’m going to get one the next time I go back home for break. :3c And I have a few ideas for other ones!! I wanna get a big-ass “Dragon Age: Origins” tattoo that’s the dragon on the cover on my thigh. I also wanna get a DA2 and “Inquisition” tattoo… and the Joestar birthmark… too many ideas… 

20) Left or right handed?

Right-handed !! I could have been left-handed or ambidextrous if I broke my arm AFTER I started kindergarten, but alas that was before.

26) Something you are working on right now:

This !! But also the script for my next podcast episode that I record on uhhh Monday I think. Should probably figure that one out dsjfjhsf

27) Do you have any “rules” about food?

I answered that in the last ask !!

29) What would you say is your best quality?

I also answered this in the last ask !!

30) What do you think you’re really good at?

Writing, I’d say! And memorizing trivia about the stuff I’m super into. If it’s stuff pertaining to “M*A*S*H” or old movies or TV shows or actors or specific historical events, I will know that shit FOR LIFE. Don’t ask me to do math pls thank u

32) What talent do you wish you’d been born with?

I wish I was able to do stuff with music. That was never really in my blood, despite all the music classes they make you take in elementary school. I just never learned how to memorize or read sheet music. :/ I would have loved to play violin, tho… my friend plays and she says I would have been a good cellist.

39) Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?

YES… have for years. I still have my Care Bear from when I was 5, Gritty as mentioned above, a plush of my school’s mascot, and a little Fugo !! He’s so tiny.

40) What do you think about the most?

Everything and constantly and all at once. But the past really because I can never let stuff go and even the small things I mess up on haunt me forever… Wish that wasn’t the case but it is !!

41) Share two habits:

Biting my nails and having a very specific routine in which I get ready when I wake up. Like, I’ve gotta go brush my hair before I put my important cards in my left pocket, then put on my silver bracelet, then my beaded bracelet, then my earbuds in my right pocket, then put my earrings in. I HAVE to do it in that order…

And other oddities that include, like, if I need to go around something I HAVE to follow the urge to go one way and not the other, lest I feel the need to go back and fix it. And then which foot goes first before I reach a crack in the sidewalk, or up or down a curb, etc.

43) What are your career goals?

If I can just make people happy or get some kind of joy out of the things I do, I’d call that enough. :)

44) What is your ideal career?

Mmm, either a film historian or a film professor !! Preferably at the college I’m at right now but wherever the wind takes me, I’ll go! Or a Twitch streamer or YouTuber, it really depends on my mood jdhfjskf

45) Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

It was pretty much the same !! Freshman year was pretty lively, I didn’t have a job on campus yet though, or my podcast. Everything else is basically the same!

46) Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

CONSTANTLY… good or bad it’ll play back over and over and over again.

49) Do you have any phobias?

HOO BOY, DO I… fear of heights; fear of insects/bugs/arachnids/bees/wasps; I have a strong dislike of the number 13 but I don’t know if it’s a phobia, I just. REALLY hate it; the unknown, more or less what lurks somewhere beyond where I can see. Not so much a fear of the dark with that one, just what could BE in it.

51) Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?

I answered this in my last ask, as well!

53) Ever come close to death?

Two or three times, maybe? Two of them involved what’s called a laryngospasm, typically it can happen when your sick, which is what happened to me both times. Basically your throat just closes up on your for a hot minute and you can’t breathe. The first time I genuinely thought I was going to die (and my dad still sent me to school that day… HOE), the second time I was also sick and was losing/had lost my voice DURING A JOB RETREAT and it happened in the middle of the night so that was funny sitting there gasping for breath in the pitch dark.

At the FIRST retreat I went on for that job, you had to take pictures as part of a scavenger hunt, and the place used to be an old military fort, so there were still the old bunkers there. We had to take one on top of it and I was taking the picture, and it’s a wide shot so I go to take a step back but before I do I look behind me. If I hadn’t I would have fallen a good 10-15 feet down onto solid Civil War-era bunker concrete. I’d consider that being a “close to death” moment because I really could have died!

55) A random fact about yourself:

I have a half-brother !! My sis and I finally found him after her 23andMe results came back (which she decided to do despite us being like THE GOVERNMENT WILL COLLECT OUR DATA) and we didn’t think our mom would be happy she found him but she was !! My sis might reach out and contact him, she just wanted our mom’s permission first to do it.

56) What are three things most people don’t know about you?

Well, that I have a half-brother. I don’t mention it a lot. Aside from y’all on here and my sister, most everyone else doesn’t know I’m nonbinary! Everyone else knows I’m bi though lmao. And that there were times I’d stretch or bend the truth or lie about something just to impress someone else. It’s a… Bad Habit. Another thing is that most people don’t know I like coffee? Like I need to put a shit ton of creamer in with it because I’m a Bitch, but yeah.

57) An unknown fact about your life:

I wouldn’t call this an “unknown” fact but I’d used to go to work with my dad every now and again when he worked at the Home Depot and he was assistant manager. I’d either chill in the back room which was an office he shared with two other guys, or walk around the store with him. I had my own apron, too, which was my name with “Mini Mac” next to it, “Mac” being my dad’s nickname and something easier to say than my last name. I actually helped a few customers out so I wonder if I should have gotten paid for that despite being like, ages 9-13 when I’d go jshfkjd

And I guess I technically tested video games as a kid? Basically, when my dad was stationed at Fort Knox, they’d get demos of video games that hadn’t come out yet to test I suppose? and I still have a few somewhere. He’d hand them off to me and I’d play them so there’s that.

59) Five weird things that you like:

Eating globs of wasabi for no reason.

Scaring my friends also for no reason.

I wouldn’t say using cotton swabs to get wax out of your ears because it feels good is weird, just more medically inadvisable if anything.

When I was younger I’d like to floss really hard because the slight pain from it felt good. Young me was a #Freaque KJHDFJJDHF

I don’t know if being fond of alphabetizing and reorganizing things is considered weird but I LOVE doing that.

63) A quote you try to live by:

“It matters not how strait the gate, / How charged with punishments the scroll; / I am the master of my fate: / I am the captain of my soul.” It’s from the poem “Invictus” and the last two lines are what I’m getting tattooed !!

65) Weird things you do when you’re alone:

Practice the “Lucky Star” dance. I GOT THE LYRICS DOWN… JUST NEED TO DO THE DANCE NOW…

69) Leave me a compliment:

“you seem rly nice and funny from your 🅱️osts and I appreciate u... I hope you can find better irl friends who aren't trash”

Anon pls 🥺 I do my best to be nice but my friend really do test me sometimes... my feelings bounce back n forth like if they do something my feelings can switch to angry or like, hate, and then if they do something nice I’ll like them again. It sucks but ! I just take it one day at a time. Anon I care for u 💜💜💜

[kusunokihimea]

     [ Okay, so, uhhh, time for a lil real talk with Sylvie. A lil tl;dr to start: I know I was just on hiatus while away to see family, but uh...I think I’m gonna go semi-hiatus on my RP blogs for a while, which I’ll detail under a cut. Life is just seriously kicking my and my family’s butts right now, and honestly I’m just...too stressed to devote as much time as I want to my hobby. I’ll do what I can, when I can, but just know my muse is super thin right now cuz I’m just...not in a good place. Thanks, as always, for your patience and understanding.

     Be warned this gets a little personal and a little dark sooo viewer discretion is advised.

     Sooo, where to begin, uh...my family is in very deep financial trouble. Has been for a good long while, but a LOT of things are coming up all at once, as I’m sure most of you know that Life likes to do. I’m in desperate need for dental work, our septic tank is in dire straights, and a whole slew of other things I won’t go into for personal reasons. I won’t lie, while I was away to my aunt’s, I got super stressed out and exhausted. I didn’t sleep for four nights in a row. The day after we got back I had to help haul 4 tons of hay we can’t pay for. I’m still extremely tired and lethargic. Being there was stressful due to the super conservative environment that had me on edge almost always. My mental health, as a result (which in all frankness is always very very bad) got even worse, and I’ve been having a lot of trouble just...keeping it together. Today was just...a tipping point.

     I have almost no ways to make money. I have very serious issues that make work practically impossible, and no money to TREAT said issues so I COULD work. I tried art commissions, and those never took off. Never expected them to, honestly. I have a once-a-year job I just got paid for, but I’m probably going to already run that dry here soon for my dental stuff, if I can even afford it at all. I’m in constant pain throughout the whole right side of my face because of literally rotting teeth (jaw, temple, eye, head). And just, uh...yeah. I don’t even know what else to say, but a lot is going wrong and coming to a head all at once and honestly I’m not...handling it very well. 

     I don’t even know what or why I’m saying this, honestly. I love this community, even if it’s really changed since I got here. A lot of people have left, but I appreciate everyone still here, new or old. I just dunno what to do. So this is me saying that, at least until the end of August, things are probably gonna be slow from me. It’s not because I don’t want to RP with anyone, it’s just because life seriously sucks right now (even tho I feel guilty saying that as I know others have it worse). I’m not doing well. I dunno when I’ll be doing (relatively) well again. I dunno...a lot of things. 

     But I guess all I’m asking is please be patient with me. I love these characters, these people, this community, but sometimes I just...need to put it aside as Life gives me the ol’ one-two. I guess if anyone has any inclination to help (which is 110% not necessary, but I can’t be above asking tbh), I do have a ko-fi here, and I do pixel art commissions here. I dunno how well I can manage commissions due to all the stress, but I’ll do my best if you want to get one. You’re not expected or obligated to. I’ve done one written comm, but tbh I dunno how to really...work those. But I could try? idk

     The only thing I’m gonna for sure keep up is my drabble blog. I need the structure from it, honestly. RP blogs are gonna just have to take a back seat for a while. I really do hate to do this, I just...I dunno. I don’t wanna get too deep into things because it’s rather bleak, but just know that I’m not...in the best place. Irl isn’t great right now. Honestly hasn’t been for a long time, but it’s just...at a tipping point. I dunno what to do. Just know that I love and appreciate all of you, and I hope to be back full time soon. We’ll just...have to see.

     ...this probably made no sense but I’m not in the best place to explain. Still need to let y’all know why I’ll be gone tho, so...sorry if this is just a jumble ^^; I’ll try to be here when I can. Otherwise try to catch me on discord (ID is on my mun page). See y’all around <3