#let it be known I loved the art cover of this song since like. 2013

[syneester]

Can't I Even Dream?

inspired by the cover of Can't I Even Dream and VesperionNox's PMV

[greensparty]

Album Reviews: Ringo Starr / Haim

This week I got to review a new EP and a new reissue.

Ringo Starr Rewind Forward

EP cover

In the last few years Sir Ringo Starr has been knocking out killer EPs including 2021’s Zoom In and Change the World (both were included on my Best Albums of 2021 list) and last year’s EP3 (read my review here). While he hasn’t released a full length album since 2019′s What’s My Name (read my review here), he has been keeping super busy with what is now his 4th EP since 2021, Rewind Forward drops this Friday from UMe.

Sir Ringo Starr (center behind drums) with the All-Starr Band on June 2, 2022 at Boch Center

Last year, I was lucky enough to see Ringo Starr and his All-Starr Band live (my second time seeing them) and I was blown away that at age 82 (he's now 83), he is still a showman singing and drumming like he was in his twenties. He was always the funny one in The Beatles. Over time it has become cool to poke fun at Ringo, but his solo career is criminally underrated. As a member of The Beatles, he gets loads of respect, but as a solo artist he doesn’t get the recognition he deserves. He has to live up to the Fab Four and each of their solo careers, but he has actually made some great solo albums. For the new album he recorded in his home studio. Like the previous EPs, there's a number of appearances from Ringo's musician friends including Toto's Steve Lukather and Joe Williams, The Heartbreakers' Mike Campbell and Benmont Tench, Joe Walsh (Ringo's brother-in-law), and best of all, Ringo's Beatle bandmate Paul McCartney co-wrote "Feeling the Sunlight", the highlight of the EP. Over the years Sir Paul and Ringo have done quite a few duets and collaborations, most recently on 2021's "Here's to the Nights" and on Dolly Parton's upcoming rock album for a cover of "Let It Be". But it's always special to hear the two remaining Beatles performing together. Something I’ve talked about in previous EP reviews is that when you have a short album of four or five songs, the bullseye is bigger and easier to hit. With this EP, it is Sir Ringo’s rocking pop sound and it hits the bullseye and then some!

For info on Rewind Forward

3.5 out of 5 stars

Haim Days are Gone 10th Anniversary edition

10th anniversary edition

This year marks the 10th anniversary of the debut album from the sister trio of Este, Danielle and Alana Haim, better known as Haim. Since that debut they have become a power pop sensation, able to tour with Taylor Swift AND headline alt-rock festivals. What has really gotten my attention is the collaborations they have done with my favorite filmmaker Paul Thomas Anderson. Their mother was PTA's former art teacher and they have made several notable music videos including "Little of Your Love" (my #1 Music Video of 2017) and "Lost Track" (my #1 Music Video of 2022). PTA also cast Alana as his lead in Licorice Pizza and Danielle and Este as her sisters. A match made in cinematic heaven! But I digress, to celebrate the 10th anniversary, Legacy recently released an anniversary edition on vinyl.

Haim in 2013

When the album came out, there was a lot of attention on Haim as being this pop rock group with a serious influence from the likes of Fleetwood Mac and Pat Benatar (both true). The album's big single "The Wire" was a break up anthem for the ages and I included it on my Best Songs of 2013 as well as my Best Songs of the 2010s list. The album as a whole had some really strong songs and then some that weren't bad but just weren't as strong. Hence I never picked it up. Since that album, they have released two more solid albums and they have become a reliable band in the rock genre at a time when rock isn't seeing the same album sales it once was. Upon returning to the debut album, it doesn't feel dated at all. It feels timeless and I liked it a lot better than I remembered the first time I heard it circa 2013. In terms of the anniversary edition, there is a cool packaging with the Haim sisters on the plastic covering and the grass background behind them and it's on green vinyl. It's a double album with outtakes, demos and remixes. If you were a huge fan of some songs and felt the album as a whole is good, but not great, I say listen again. The remixes are mostly For Fans Only, but the album itself is worth checking out.

For info on Days Are Gone

3.5 out of 5 stars

[bluewinnerangel]

Last update: may 14 2021

Edit: So these are pretty much my favorite posts I made from the beginning of 2021 up until then ^ and since I’ve made a ton more but just havent found the will to gather them together with something like this again. Still I’ll keep a link to this one on my page, but it’s not getting updated woop. Anyway:

Favs:

Larry’s Grandpa aesthetic. A large very not serious collection that displays how they’re sharing a very specific vibe. This thing is one big meme but is also important, highly recommend.

Larry Loves Laurels - masterpost/timeline of times laurels (meaning of the name “larry”) showed up in their clothing or elsewhere.

Louis’ synced Walls to Harry’s Lights Up music videos. The parallels are known but lining them up hurts is gonna hurt your brain on a whole new level. Poor editors. 

Body/sign language

Louis and Harry knowing sign language masterpost

Louis’ Nose Tap when he’s not telling the truth masterpost

Larry’s Grandpa aesthetic euh I guess this is a masterpost (it’s just really... unhinged)

Just a few Harry behaviors that look like Louis - let’s add this here too (not mine) - or this

Related to sign language, the theory that Louis’ common hand gesture might mean “H”

Lyric analyses / Song parallels

Masterpost here

Music video parallels

Louis’ Walls + Harry’s Lights Up (literally 2 halves of the same whole)

^ + Harry’s TPWK

^ + Liam Gallagher’s Wall of Glass and/or Oasis (as part of Larry+LG masterpost)

(not larry) Zayn’s Still Got Time + One Direction’s Take Me Home tour intro video

More gayvinci code chaos

Larry Loves Laurels - masterpost

Larry Loves Liam Gallagher - masterpost

Larry Loves Fibonacci

Same old shit, different year - 6 times Louis and/or Harry aggressively larried 1, 2, 3, or even 10 years after some other larrying on that same date.

Louis finding some boss level chaos cap and posting it on instagram

When they just decided to bluegreen at the same time

The Harry’s being geniuses with grammy outfits - How Harry & Harry Lambert might have used inverted colors to create opposite looks

Larry Loves Papillon - links to papillon posts (effectively a masterpost)

Harry loves clothing named Louis/look 28

They both love to oioiii

Debunking 28 sept 2013 - but that doesn’t even matter because harry ran with it anyway

This thing about them using *** **

(mainly 2015) aggressive displays of larry:

Louis subtly shading Taylor in 2015 and Harry treating it like a love letter 

When Louis yelled for help to stop Harry from serenading him during 18 and Liam hilariously obliged (september 28, 2015)

That same day Harry was an unhinged mess including the above and 3 more examples.

Harry definitely saying “Lou” instead of “You”

That time Harry had no control at the 2014 ARIAS - from all angles

That other time Harry had no control during an interview when Louis started mumbling in French

This collective realisation about L acting like a cat on James Corden

Just misc things I guess what is this mess who knows

I I HAVE A HAYLOR MASTER-MASTERPOST

The actual reference painting of Harry’s ship tattoo

Not mine just wanna have a link to this piece of art

Oh just Harry making Louis laugh and then getting all shy about it, or: a real life Jim Halpert.

This thing about the SOTT cover and bjs

Harry said “George Michael” - not much of a post I just feel like this will come back in the faith in the future

This dumbass post about Louis wearing skull shirts that i do have more to say about but.. one day (or not).

What even is this band - 1D chaos gifs

some tags I use (these tags don’t work on mobile and I don’t get why yay): 

gayvinci code - “this lil shit did this on purpose didn’t he” type of mess.

aggressive larrying - literal aggressive displays of affection or very loud larryvinci’ing.

smart things with lyrics

welikeparallels

if only there was a name for them together - just larry being one morphed entity behaving the same

Watermelon sugar WHY - Staring at Louis’ face hours

This is a mermaid - Staring at Harry’s face hours

dancing in the street - them looking like david bowie and/or mick jagger <3

FL - tag for lyric analyses of songs on Fine Line or somehow link to them

/endofmess

[spade-riddles]

Fabulous Submission:

I didn’t intend to write this (I had a thought about something and it ballooned into this post), but here’s my interpretation of the Cardigan and Willow music videos. It’s an optimistic and chronological look at Taylor’s entire story up till now, and what I think/hope could come next. It’s really long, sorry.

I think the Cardigan and Willow videos are symbolic of Taylor’s career and personal journey over the last 15 years. So in Cardigan, she starts at the beginning of her career where it’s just her and her music. She follows the gold bubbles (representing fame?) and finds herself in this beautiful utopia, symbolizing her early career– she was famous, but not like she is today. She was wildly successful and talented, but wasn’t facing as many of the downsides to fame (intense scrutiny, safety concerns, privacy, etc). I’d say this period was maybe 2006-2010, when her career was fresh and fun and she was overall pretty happy.

I think she got a little swept up in her fame after that. She lost herself in a lot of ways. Her PR was a mess, her real relationships seemed to implode, and I suspect her relationship with SB started to deteriorate toward the end of this period (2010-2013 or so). Her reputation was “boy crazy/man-eater/serial dater.” This is where she was trying to stay afloat in the water in the music video. But she managed to hold on. The journey changed her, but she was on solid ground again. So that’s Cardigan– it covers 2006 to fall of 2013. She’s not in a great place, but she’s planning to make some changes.

Willow picks up where we left off, only this time, Taylor is following a gold string. She’s officially on the path to meet her soulmate. She plans to move from LA to NYC and seemingly has a plan to change her public image.  See: “I’m perfectly fine, I live on my own. I’ve made up my mind, I’m better off being alone. We met a few weeks ago…” So Taylor’s plan at the end of 2013 was to stay single. This is the dark, lonely scene with the willow and reflection pond. Of course, we know what happens next. When she least expected it, the string led her to Karlie. They met and had an instant connection– “have I known you 20 seconds, or 20 years?” This is the scene with the children in a tent. 

Suddenly, she finds herself in a glass closet. There’s no way out. She can sing and see and interact with her lover, but they can’t be in a public relationship. This is 2014-2016, the Kaylor BFF years, where we saw them together as “friends” all the time. We know Taylor was in a pretty bad place in 2016– this isn’t really depicted in the video, but I think she needed some time out of the public eye for her own wellbeing. So she left the glass closeting behind and made her relationship private, to escape some of the constant scrutiny around her life.

This is the dancing witches part of the video. Taylor is in hiding. We don’t see her in public anymore. We don’t see her with her friends. We don’t see her with her alleged boyfriend. She makes it impossible for the public to tell who is still in her life. The cloaked witches (Taylor’s close circle) are working together to give her privacy. I think they represent the people who know Taylor’s real story– her friends, family, close business associates (including Toe), and Karlie.

This is where she first says, “Every bait and switch was a work of art.” Around 2:22-2:26 in the music video. Then she dances with the other cloaked witches. I think this is 2017, when the biggest bait and switch of them all showed up: Toe. Taylor hired him so she could keep her real relationship private. The public thinks she’s with the most boring witch on the planet, but whoops, she’s actually dating one of the other witches.

Then, Taylor leaves the witches and wanders off, following the gold string away from the coven. Her love story isn’t over because she hasn’t made it to the end of the gold string. As in, Taylor’s end game is not secrecy and hiding and being closeted. Anyway, we can’t tell which witch is Taylor’s lover, since they’re all cloaked and masked. By design. But when Taylor walks away from the circle, one of the witches takes off their mask, and it turns out her lover was there the whole time. Much like we think Karlie and Taylor have been together this whole time, but publicly, that’s not what we see. 

Anyway, Taylor is still following the string, but she’s distanced herself from her lover (at least publicly). Her lover looks like he’s afraid he’s going to lose her as she walks away. What does this mean for Kaylor, publicly and privately? Are they going to be reunited? Is it possible someone else will be at the other side of the gold string? Why did Taylor wander away? We don’t know at this point. I think the entire dancing witches/snowy forrest scene is 2017 to sometime in 2020.

Taylor ends up back in her cabin, where she finds the other end of the gold string. For a second she’s confused, because she thought the string was supposed to lead her to her soulmate… and she thinks she’s alone in the cabin. This is where we are now, in my opinion. It looks like all hope is lost, that Taylor and Karlie are never going to publicly reunite. That maybe they aren’t even together– maybe Karlie was just another girlfriend, and the gold string leads to someone different. 

But then? Taylor sees her lover. Somehow, some way, he ended up back in the cabin with her. It’s the same person she saw in the reflecting pond, and on the other side of the glass closet, and danced with in secret. The guy in the cabin is the soulmate, after all. Making me think that the girl in Taylor’s story has always been Karlie.

We don’t know how they ended up together again. We don’t see the lover leave the dancing witches. He seems to have arrived before Taylor. I guess she took the long way back to the cabin? “I take the long way home” from DBATC? At 3:22, Taylor sings, “Every bait and switch was a work of art” again as they walk toward each other. Maybe this bait and switch is how the gp thinks they’re feuding… but really, they reunited recently. (I think they’ve been together the entire time, but this is the public narrative– they were together on and off before 2016ish, then they ignored each other and dated other people, then they privately reunited recently.) 

Here’s what gives me the most hope, even when things look bleak (like now): After reuniting privately, they walk hand in hand out the door, into the golden daylight together. The question is, is this Taylor’s fantasy? Or is it foreshadowing? Does she just want to publicly reunite with Karlie, but can’t (or won’t)? Or are they going to ACTUALLY reunite publicly in the near future?

I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up. I know we’re all feeling really cynical right now because we’ve been burned so many times. I’m choosing to be optimistic for a bit longer– I think they’re about to reunite publicly. It’s okay if you disagree. I get it. None of us know what they’re up to and I could definitely be wrong. But I think Taylor singing, “Every bait and switch WAS a work of art” in past tense is interesting. If they have no plans to change anything, why not sing, “Every bait and switch IS a work of art”? “Is” would indicate to me that the games are ongoing. “Was” indicates to me that they’re over or will be soon. Also, why remind us of Daylight, the song about not hiding who you are and who you love? The song that she almost used as an album title but decided it was too on-the-nose? Why remind us of Daylight and the Lover album for the first track/music video of Evermore, the album where she DID name the album after its last track?

Cardigan’s final verse ends with, “I knew you’d come back to me.” Will Karlie publicly come back to Taylor? Willow ends with, “I’m begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans, that’s my man.” Which is exactly what happens in the video. Evermore ends with, “Floors of a cabin creaking under my step / This pain wouldn’t be for evermore.” Like the cabin floor in Willow? Is her pain almost over? Daylight ends with Taylor saying, “You gotta step into the daylight and let it go” and, “I wanna be defined by the things that I love.” Again, that’s how Willow ends. It’s also similar to the second ending of Evermore, It’s Time To Go– “So then you go/then you go/you just go.” To me, this all looks like they’re still planning a public reunion and that we’re almost there.

I don’t know what’s happening with the baby and the beards. I don’t know what the plan is, and I don’t know if I’m going to like it. But everything else is giving me reasons to stick around a bit longer. I don’t think we’ve made it to the last page of the story quite yet.

[rustbeltjessie]

TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART (a playlist)

[This playlist and accompanying text were made for Witchsong in March 2016. But Witchsong has since gone dark, and 8tracks, where the playlist was hosted, has also gone dark. I still love this playlist/piece, so I decided to post it here in its entirety, and round up links to the songs. (I tried to remake the playlist on Spotify but unfortunately a few of these tunes aren’t available there!)]

Lizzo - En Love

M.I.A. - Fire Fire

Little Esther - I’m A Bad, Bad Girl

The Last Shadow Puppets - Bad Habits

Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes

Worriers - Unwritten

Colleen Green - Whatever I Want

The I Don’t Cares - Just A Phase

Thurston Moore - Psychic Hearts

The Kills - Fuck the People

Pixies - The Holiday Song

Dum Dum Girls - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

El Vy - Need A Friend

The Cars - Dangerous Type

The Make*Up - White Belts

The Mo-Dettes - White Mice

Thee Headcoatees - Ça Plane Pour Moi

Huggy Bear - Pansy Twist

Bikini Kill - I Like Fucking

Mika Miko - Sex Jazz

Dresden Dolls - Dirty Business

Screaming Females - Triumph

(+ a bonus track that isn’t on the playlist: Jolie Holland - Springtime Can Kill You)

It is springtime, and springtime can kill you (just like it did poor me). The light is clearer and hangs on longer in the sky each day, the birds are all singing riotous songs in the treetops. A few days ago, it was seventy degrees; I drank iced coffee and resisted the urge to cut the sleeves off all my t-shirts. It is springtime, and I am so damn restless I’m about ready to tear my skin off. I can’t focus on anything. I pick up a book, read a few pages, put it down again. I start a poem, write a few lines, quit. My notebooks are full of Jenny Holzer-esque truisms that I write in all caps. YOU WILL GET SO TIRED OF WEIGHING THE POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES. SOMETIMES YOU WILL BE READY TO SAY “FUCK IT” AND FOLLOW YR HEART. BE A DRUNKEN SLUT. STOP THINKING. IT’S SO TIRING. TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART.

I just want to trust my stupid fucking heart. Or maybe I just want something that makes my stupid heart beat faster.

I am so tired of weighing the potential consequences. When I was younger, I usually leapt into things without caring what the result would be. (And now I can’t believe I didn’t put that Shivvers song on this playlist: when I was younger, when I was younger, when I was younger.) I went for what felt good, or even bad, as long as I was feeling something. As long as it made me feel alive. But there were enough adverse consequences that I began to grow afraid. I was often on the verge of eviction, because I did things like spending my rent money on road trips. I hurt people. I disappointed people. Friends and family started telling me that I was wasting my life.

…some might say that you and I have wasted our lives so far. Yes, we have had our hearts broken more than most. (We’ve broken some hearts, too.) We’ve had brushes with the law; and we’ve dealt with pregnancy scares and unemployment and spent many mornings too hungover to even move. But we have also experienced so much poetry, seen so much beauty, received so much love. We have had more fun in our short lives than most people ever get to have; so how could we ever consider it a waste?

-from something I wrote in 2006

Maybe I still want to waste my life, if wasting my life is what it takes to feel alive. To paraphrase Dazed & Confused, a movie I watched over and over when I felt those first reckless, restless stirrings in my teenage body: I need some good old, worthwhile, visceral experience. I want to go out into the wild, twisting night, want to take drugs, get laid, maybe get in a fight. Except I don’t do drugs anymore and I don’t get in fights anymore and no, I won’t spend all my rent money on a road trip. There are certain things I’m not willing to risk, and that’s for the best. But I am tired of worrying about what other people think; tired of not doing what I want to do because it might hurt or disappoint someone in my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, of course not, but it’s my life and it’s springtime and my heart is saying go. I want to fuck. I want to dance. I want to smash it up. I want sudden intense connections with interesting strangers. I want to take long drives in search of coffee and trouble. (Remembering that spring so long ago when I drove the seven hours from Chicago to St. Louis just to get coffee at a Waffle House.) I want to rip my tights, walk along the train tracks, get my boots all covered in good mud. I want, I want, I want. No, I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I am tired of not being myself. And I’m bad news, baby, I’m bad news.

I’m just a traveling girl with a wild mane of wavy red hair, holes in my tights, all my clothes smelling of smoke. I can roll a cigarette while driving down the freeway at eighty miles an hour. I can get drunk as shit and get two hours of sleep and drive from one town to another, then do it all again the next night. I can find my way anywhere. I can get lost anywhere.

-from something I wrote in 2007

I dye my hair red again every spring. No matter what other colors I might dye it the rest of the year, in spring I metamorphose back into a redhead. I was born with red hair but it faded to a drab brown when I hit puberty, some shitty twist of fate, so I became a bottle redhead. Red hair is fiery, brazen, witchy. (Redheads used to be burnt at the stake as witches, because it was believed they had magic powers.) Red is the color of anger and lust, love and rage. The color of blood and lipstick and my stupid, wildly beating heart. Girls like me are meant to have red hair.

It’s springtime, and I’m a wild redheaded girl for life. So take me out tonight. Take me anywhere, I don’t care, I don’t care. Take me to where the rough edges of the night meet the back alleys. Take me to the rooftops and fire escapes of your town. Take me to all-nite diners, where we can get coffee-buzzed and plot to take over the world. Let’s walk around. Let’s drive too fast on backroads. I don’t need your love, I just need a friend.

I still want all the same old dumb shit I’ve always wanted. Spontaneous adventures, crushes, mix tapes. Music I can feel in my guts, in my bones, whether it’s hip-hop or the punk rocks. Sneaky eyes and sleeveless t-shirts. Sex and danger. In the immortal words of Henry Rollins: I want to fuck on the floor and break shit. Yeah, I like fucking. I’m always restless, and next to wandering, sex is one of the few things that eases my restlessness. And I believe in the radical possibilities of pleasure, babe. I do, I do, I do.

I’ve lost some friends because I’ve failed to grow up properly. These friends used to be just like me (you fuckers used to be just like me), but they went straight. I don’t mean straight as in heterosexual, I mean straight as in normal. They became capital-G Grown Ups. They got advanced degrees and nine-to-fives and stopped making zines and got their tattoos removed. I’m an adult, too. I have a kid, and a writing career; I pay my bills instead of going on ill-advised road trips, I don’t go on benders or do drugs anymore. But I also haven’t given up crushes or adventure or art or punk; I’m still making zines and giving myself stick ’n’ poke tattoos. I’ve still got that steel-toed spark and that teenage j.d. twitch. Maybe they’re bitter because they thought growing up meant giving all that up.

We can have all of it! We can be mamas and healers and have love and morals and sweetness and good things in our lives, but we don’t have to give up the rest—we can also be wild punk rock goddesses of destruction and fuck and fight and drink and smoke and swear and make mad art, goddamnit!

-from something I wrote in 2013

I should’ve known something was up the last time I saw M.—before she decided she hated me, when I still thought we’d be friends for life—when she said: “I’m over Amanda Palmer. It’s not cute to tell young girls that it’s okay to be fucked-up.” That stunned me, because she was once a fucked-up girl, just like me. She and I used to listen to Dresden Dolls albums and talk about how eerily close to our own lives they were, how it was like AFP had looked into our souls and made songs out of them. But maybe that’s the other thing. It’s not just that M. and the others gave up their former passions. They also regret that they ever lived that way. They regret the days of chronic unemployment and ill-advised road trips, the crazy-mad love affairs, the all-nite diner marathons, the epic meals we made from what we found in dumpsters. And I don’t. No matter how I’ve changed, or how many of those things I don’t want anymore, I could never ever regret those days. They made me who I am, and they gave me so many stories to tell. To all the ones who thought they knew me best, a test to prove your prowess. Who was mine in ’99? I want last names, and current status.

No, I don’t want to wind up on the verge of eviction, or have my electricity shut off. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But it is springtime, and I am so tired of weighing the potential consequences. And I’m just a redheaded restless punk rock goddess of destruction for life, and I still want all that shit that makes my stupid, reckless heart beat faster. Loud music, caffeine, adventure, sex. If you’re like me, you’re feeling the same way. So:

WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. STOP THINKING. IT’S SO TIRING. TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART.

Get out, get out of your house.

[daggerzine]

Sohrab Habibion from SAVAK (and Obits, Edsel, etc.) fills in the gaps.

I first noticed the name Sohrab Habibion in the Sub Pop band Obits nearly a decade ago. He’d then gotten in touch with me a few years back when he sent me the last Savak record, Beg Your Pardon (the band’s 3rd). I did some backtracking and realized he was in the old DC post hardcore band Edsel, whose music I enjoyed. We got to talking and I realized this guy’s had a pretty interesting career and I needed to find out more. He was more than agreeable to an interview on the DAGGER site. Oh and dig this....he recently he began posting some videos that he took of shows in the DC area in the mid-80’s, which is discussed below. Let’s all thank our lucky stars that someone was there with a video camera at shows back then.

Back to SAVAK, they have recently released their fourth full-length, Rotting Teeth in the Horses Mouth (on the Ernest Jenning Record Co label, like the last few) and it’s a terrific record. The kind of post-punk that’s not afraid to pOp! and vice versa. So needless to say Sohrab had plenty to talk about. Let’s take a trip both down memory lane and back to the future as well.

Sohrab.... always pushin’ the hair products.

 Did you grow up in the DC area? If not how did you end up there?

I moved to the suburbs of DC in 1979. My mom and I drove through Hurricane David from my grandfather’s house in Leonia, New Jersey to Annandale, Virginia with all of our possessions in the back of a Chevy Chevette. We had just left Iran because of the Revolution and, after a short stay in Bergen County to gather ourselves and do some research, my parents decided that we would resettle in the DC area.

Do you remember what the first record you ever bought was? First concert?

First record: It was a cassette of Love for Sale by Boney M. Actually maybe that was a gift from a friend. Either way I think of it as my first-owned album. I quickly had the lyrics to “Ma Baker” memorized and never gave a second thought to just how weird the cassette cover art was. If you’re not familiar, perhaps imagine an S&M dungeon version of Ohio Players? As a 7-year-old I think it just didn’t register. More interesting is that the producer, Frank Farian, was also the guy behind Milli Vanilli. If you’re up for it, I recommend doing some Googling about Mr. Farian, who was born Franz Reuther just after the start of World War II in a German valley settlement once known as the “Town of Leather.” It’s good stuff, I promise.

First concert: A friend’s older sister drove us to the old 9:30 Club to see one of the club’s 3 Bands for 3 Bucks nights. I remember feeling pretty excited about being in a part of town I didn’t know and seeing all kinds of people I didn’t ordinarily see. This was probably 1983 or 1984 so it was heavy on the New Wave look. In the basement of 9:30, once you’d squeezed down the narrow flight of stairs, there were bathrooms as well as a small counter that sold records and tapes. I bought The Halloween Cassette—a WGNS comp with Gray Matter, United Mutation, Velvet Monkeys, Malefice, Bloody Mannequin Orchestra and others—and the Minor Threat record that compiles the first two 7”s. On our drive home the DJ on WHFS played the song “Minor Threat,” which we literally had in our hands, and the whole thing felt tremendously serendipitous.

During his tryout with the Washington Bullets (Elvin Hayes beat him out). 

At what age did you pick up the guitar?

One night my mom came home from a school fundraising auction with an acoustic guitar that she’d won in the raffle. I actually think it might be the only time anyone in my family has ever won a raffle. I was 13 or 14 and discovering that I was not as good of a baseball player as I’d hoped or wanted to be and the guitar felt more connected to my interests, so I started to teach myself chords and rudimentary scales. It wasn’t long before I was able to get an electric guitar and make a complete mess of sound in neighborhood basements with friends.

How old were you when the punk rock bug bit you?

Thirteen, I think. I’m pretty sure it was 7th grade. I didn’t know a lot about rock music. Having spent a chunk of my early life in Iran, I missed the boat on a lot of big, American rock’n’roll moments. I was 9 when I was first exposed to KISS by neighbors who were also in the Boy Scouts and so I kind of lumped all that costuming together and the whole thing seemed silly. Special badges and membership cards and various allegiances you were supposed to declare. I felt disengaged from a lot of things in the suburban culture around me, so punk made sense upon its arrival. It took some time to sort things out, like what made the Dead Kennedys good and The Exploited bad, but once that initial door opened, I never turned back. If anything it just opened additional doors to other subcultures and underground movements and marginalized artists and thinkers. Punk helped me recognize that my sympathies will always be with the disenfranchised, the unheralded, the amateur, the wandering tinkerer.

How and when did Edsel get together?

I met Nick Pelliocciotto and Geoff Sanoff (who wouldn’t be in Edsel for a few years) at a Government Issue show at the Hung Jury Pub. Nick and I briefly played in a band with Jim Spellman (Velocity Girl, High Back Chairs, Foxhall Stacks), but that fizzled out. So Nick and I were looking for a bass player when we saw Steve Ward play a cover of “White Rabbit” at a high school talent show. Nick and I agreed that Steve looked cool (he really did) and, when we ran into him in the parking lot, he passed our test by answering that his favorite DC band was Happy Go Licky. We started practicing in the basement of the house Nick, Jim Spellman and I lived in off Reno Road in the Cleveland Park neighborhood of DC. We didn’t know what we were doing. Nick played me a bunch of records I had never heard before and we would talk about various details in the music. He made me aware of the way certain things interacted, like the bass guitar and the kick drum. I’d never considered that. I was also unfamiliar with singing in a band, so was starting from scratch. A lot of it began as rhythmic sing-song-speak-howling that could be heard somewhat above the volume of the band. I’ll never forget recording our first demo at Inner Ear with Michael Hampton. When it came time for me to do the vocals we were all surprised by what they sounded like and Michael nicely said, “Why don’t we call it a day and you go home and work on some melodies that we can record tomorrow.” Ha! When Nick and I got back to the house we listened to a bunch of albums to get ideas for vocal melodies. The one that resonated with me was Midnight Oil’s 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and it helped me understand how you could take a simple line and move it around with chord changes. I didn’t figure out what phrasing was for some time to come, but that was the start. Thank you Michael, Nick and Peter Garrett.

How/when did you end up in NYC?

Well, it’s a circuitous story, but . . . Edsel toured a lot between 1993 and 1995. So much so that I moved back into my parents’ basement to avoid paying rent for a place I wasn’t going to be spending any time in. My folks are lovely and it was a fine arrangement, but I missed having an apartment of my own. On tour in Chicago I was presented with the opportunity of a cheap living situation in a city that I liked, so I moved there. I had this fantasy that the band could keep it together while being in 3 different cities—Geoff had moved to NYC and the two Steve’s were in DC. Not a chance. I had a good year in Chicago, working at the Empty Bottle and playing with different local musicians, but Edsel basically succumbed to inertia and I decided to move back to DC to make a solo record. My parents had a cabin in the Shenandoah Valley and I went there for a period of time with my 4-track and the hopes of discovering whatever my version of Leonard Cohen and Brian Eno might be. That didn’t happen, but I learned a lot about recording myself and making mistakes and stumbling on things I liked that I hadn’t intended. Around this point I got a call from Michael Hampton, who’d moved to New York City a few years earlier. He said his neighbor in the West Village had moved out and he wondered if I might want to take the apartment. I was feeling pretty untethered and the idea of giving Manhattan a shot was exciting, so in November 1997 I packed up my books and CDs and headed up here. I’ve since crossed the bridge over to Brooklyn, but have no plans of leaving. I love this city and all of its flaws.

How about Obits? I know Alexis was in Edsel….had you known Rick already?

Alexis played in Edsel for a few reunion shows we did in 2013, but he wasn’t in the original lineup of the group. I first met Alexis in 1985 when Lünch Meat, his band, played with Kids For Cash, my band, at my local community center. He and I also share a birthday and a similar sense of humor, so when he joined Obits after the departure of Scott Gursky, our original drummer, it was an effortless transition. I’d also played with Alexis in Girls Against Boys on a 2002 European tour that Eli couldn’t do. I was Fake Eli and got to play bass on some of my favorite GvsB tunes, which was a blast. Alexis has a humorous diary from that tour: http://www.gvsb.com/euro_diary/index.html

Here’s an excerpt just so you know it’s worth the clicks:

“scott has determined that we should get rid of all the equipment and excess drummers and bass players and just travel with a painted sheet (we in the biz call this a scrim). that way he could have a band painted on it and just cut out the head of the singer and stick his own head through. this would reduce overhead and be a whole lot less of a hassle than having squabbling bass players and drummers with no IQ whatsoever.”

Rick and I met at an art show of his in the summer of ‘99. In fact, in looking to clarify the year I came across this email I sent to a friend:

“Last night my friend Hiroshi took me to an opening of his friend Rick Froberg’s work in some unknown Lower East Side apartment/gallery. I was shocked at how incredible his stuff was. His etchings like Goya’s, his prints like a German expressionist and his paintings like a weird amalgam of Raymond Pettibon and Norman Rockwell. But everything was very original despite its familiarity. He gave me one of his prints and I actually ended up buying one of his paintings. I’m really excited about it.”

Funny thing is that on that European GvsB tour I was wearing a Hot Snakes shirt. Little could I have guessed that I’d be in a band with Alexis and Rick 10 years later. Or maybe I could’ve? Our behavior and patterns are probably more predictable than I’d like to admit.

Anyway, long and short of it is after meeting Rick we started hanging out and as Hot Snakes was winding down in the early aughts he proposed we get together and strum our guitars. We had a good time and kept at it until things started to take shape. Fast forward a bit and our friend Speck browbeat Rick into playing with her band, Orphan, at Cake Shop. That was early 2008 and the internet did us a favor by sharing a bootleg recording of our gig, which led us to signing with Sub Pop. Seems just as weird now as it did then, but so it goes! The band was a hoot to be in and we had a grand time, particularly touring. The trips we made to Europe, Australia, Japan and Brazil were fantastic. I never thought I’d be able to do that playing scrappy rock’n’roll music. All the people that we met, the local specialties that we ate and drank . . . and drank . . . and then ate some more. Unforgettable. Until I forget them. Then I’ll refer to the documentation.

Obits.....always ready to rumble (notice the switchblade comb in Froberg’s pocket). 

Tell me about the end of Obits and the beginning of Savak? Who came up with the name?

The end of Obits was a little unexpected. At least the timing of it. All bands end, so it wasn’t surprising in that regard, but we had a French tour planned and had been offered some East Coast dates with Mudhoney, so it was a bummer not to be able to do those. But it had been a cold and miserable winter and Rick had some family stuff to marshal, so it felt best to call it, which is what we did on April 1st, 2015. The April Fool’s part wasn’t intentional, but I liked that it happened that way, what with being in a band often feeling like a cosmic joke anyway. But we’re all still good friends and very much in touch with each other. Funny thing is we’d actually written a fourth record with two drummers, as Matt Schulz had started playing with us as well (we did one show with both Alexis and Matt, which was fun), so on my hard drive somewhere are the demos and jams for that, including covers of “The In-Crowd” (https://youtu.be/KYbwk26mYJA) and Beasts of Bourbon’s “I Don't Care About Nothing Anymore.” (https://youtu.be/IpWi4OxhJXY)

Towards the end of Obits I’d started getting together with other friends to make noise. I was playing with Greg Simpson and Matt Schulz, doing instrumental versions of Hooterville Trolley and Shadows tunes, and separately with Michael Jaworski and Benjamin Van Dyke, just bashing out riffs. I asked all involved if they would want to combine the two and everyone was into it. The nice thing was Michael and I got to write with two different drummers, which opened up new ideas, and for a band that was just getting the swing of our internal vocabulary, it helped jumpstart the mojo.

I can’t remember at what point we were talking about band names, but when Viet Cong couldn’t take the heat for their name and decided to change it I made a joke about calling our group SAVAK. Then the more I thought about it the more I liked it and the group was on board, so we ran with it. The Iranian side of my family was a bit perplexed and bemused, but they all understood that this was a rock’n’roll outfit and not some creepy tribute to the former secret police in Iran. I’ve come to appreciate how that type of band name is a good litmus test. With a moniker like SAVAK you can see who actually knows anything about global political history, but more importantly you immediately know that anyone who takes issue with it isn’t likely to be interested in or even be familiar with punk rock or underground culture. So that person’s opinion on the subject doesn’t hold weight for me and I’ll attempt to redirect to a different subject that could be entertaining to chat about, like food or wine or bicycle maintenance or John le Carré books or, I dunno, HTML/CSS?

Savak has been recording pretty consistently…how did the new record come together so quickly? Who came up with the title?

Michael Jaworski, the other guitarist, singer and co-songwriter, came up with the title of Rotting Teeth in the Horse’s Mouth. Apparently it appeared to him in a dream and, well, I just liked the way it sounded. Both in that it reminded me of the DK’s classic Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables and as a play on the idiom “hearing it straight from the horse’s mouth,” since the current mouth we hear more often than is good for anyone’s mental health has enough proverbial rotting teeth to fill the mouth of a giant armadillo.

We worked on the album over a period of months. Sometimes we would get together with Matt Schulz, our drummer, and hammer stuff out. Other times either Michael or I would start something at home and build it from there. The main thing was to keep it feeling like a band had cut it together live, regardless of how accurate that may be on any given song. We started with 16 tunes, ditched 2 of them that weren’t as developed, and recorded the remaining 14. Then we picked the 10 that sounded the most cohesive for the album and the others will come out as singles later in the year. We spent many intensely focused hours editing, overdubbing and trying to really hone in on what each tune needed. I like discreet events in music and subtle details that may not make themselves evident for a few listens. A keyboard that only appears in the second verse or a backing vocal that’s buried deep in the right channel of the outro or a flanged cymbal crash at the top of the chorus. Stuff that doesn’t have to happen in the live version but makes the recording a little richer without being overbearing.

SAVAK, just before diving in. 

In Savak, re; the songwriting process, is it both you and Michael together or do you write independently?

There’s always a collaborative element. We each add or edit the other’s songs to some degree. That’s one of the things I really like about our partnership. We actively try to keep our egos out of the way. And while we may not share the exact same taste about every little thing, we trust each other’s sensibility. I think that willingness to let go of our own ideas makes them more interesting and strengthens the working relationship.

Tell us about working with Arto Lindsay?

Rick Froberg was employed as an illustrator at a web-based, digital media shop in SoHo called Funny Garbage and he helped get me a gig making music for cartoons and video games they were producing for companies like Cartoon Network. I had access to a recording studio on a floor above our office which was run by an incredibly talented musician/producer named Andres Levin. One day ‘Dre asked if I could work on a session with a friend of his for a gallery installation. It seemed interesting, so I agreed. The guy showed up with two pillow cases that he wanted to put on his arms and flap wildly in front of a mic. His idea was to pitch the pillow case recording down a few octaves and add a lot of reverb so it would sound like a giant bird was flying. I don’t remember if he was pleased with the results, but we had a blast trying, and it turned out that fella was Arto Lindsay. He got in touch with me soon after about recording his next album. I was direct about the fact that while I was brisk with the ProTools and could run sessions efficiently, I was not a real engineer who knew about microphone placement and how to apply compression, etc. He said that was fine and arranged to rent a recording rig for his apartment and we got straight to work with Melvin Gibbs, who is Arto’s writing partner, co-producer, and bass player. We made Invoke in 2002 and two years later we made Salt, once again doing the whole thing in his Chelsea living room. Arto’s a wonderful guy, as is Melvin, and we had a terrific time together. I also learned a lot. He has such a deep knowledge of avante garde music and art and a whole world of Brazilian culture that he can tap into. And Melvin is an incredible musician, so getting to see how he approached assembling Arto’s ideas was fascinating. He was also forgiving with the fact that a punker like me was trying to edit Brazilian rhythms when I was having an impossible time even identifying the first beat of the groove. There was a lot of, “Please just tell me where the ONE is.” Arto knows a wide array of people and the process of making a record with him was very much about getting it done, but not at the expense of the vibe, so if someone dropped by you’d just have to roll with it. Sometimes that person would bring their instrument and overdub on a song or two, so I had to figure out how to be flexible about the recording process to make sure it was gonna be smooth for all involved, regardless of if it was a violin player or a guy doing a percussion track using a cardboard box. I ended up calling Geoff Sanoff for advice quite a bit—to the point where Arto would joke, “Is it time to call Geoff?” Ha! But he knew the deal going in, so all was fine. The experience of making those records was great and I got to meet some interesting folks. Also my appreciation of Brazilian music completely exploded. An unexpected and super cool project with Arto, Debbie Harry and Mikhail Baryshnikov also came from that. Another side note: when we were recording Invoke there was a song which Arto wanted to get Animal Collective involved in. This was 2001 and they were still more of a record store employee kind of band, but Arto had a couple of their CDs (Spirit They’re Gone Spirit They’ve Vanished and Danse Manatee, I think) and was really into them. We arranged to go into Stratosphere Sound, the studio that was owned by Adam Schlesinger, Andy Chase, and James Iha, where Geoff Sanoff worked, and do the session there. They had an interesting way of working—they would manipulate all of the instruments, including live drums, and have everything run through their PA and then have Geoff mic the PA speakers. So the final thing was this gauzy, mushy, blur that was like a sonic paste. They totally knew what they were doing and I was particularly impressed with Noah/Panda Bear as a musician.

Speaking of legends, how did you begin collaborating with Michael Hampton?

First we should be clear that we’re not discussing “Magic” Mike Hampton AKA Michael “Kidd Funkadelic” Hampton. According to Discogs, the Michael Hampton I know is “Michael Hampton (3)” of Brief Weeds fame. He’s a few years older than me so I missed his days in SOA and The Faith, but I was a fan and saw him in Embrace and One Last Wish. I attended American University in DC and ran into him on campus, told him I also played guitar and suggested that we “jam sometime.” Knowing him now this detail cracks me up because I’m positive I freaked him out and that he was horrified by the idea of “jamming” with an arbitrary, long-haired frosh. Some time after Edsel started we asked Michael to help produce our demo, as we were clueless about the studio. And when he was in Manifesto our bands played together and we got to be better friends. After he moved to New York, it was he and his wife, Monica, who encouraged me to move here. They also introduced me to my wife. And for the last 15 or so years we’ve worked together on soundtracks for indie films, documentaries and commercials. I can’t recall how that collaboration first started, but I love working with Michael. He’s got a quick wit, so there’s lots of yucks involved, but he also has a remarkable knack for music composition and knows how to layer ideas for perfect cinematic effect. As a guitar player he remains one of my favorites. Michael’s distilled Bob Andrews from Gen X and Captain Sensible and George Harrison and all these choice rock’n’roll and punk players into something distinctly his own.

Somewhere in Madrid, Spain (Spain Radio Nacional) 

Tell us your top 10 desert island discs?

That’s tough. I’d like to ensure a bunch of different moods are covered, so let’s see . . . how about:

Hamza El Din - Music Of Nubia

Tsegué-Maryam Guèbrou - Éthiopiques 21: Piano Solo

Mark Hollis - s/t

Skip James - Today!

Charles Mingus - The Black Saint And The Sinner Lady

Mission Of Burma - Vs.

The Rolling Stones - Sticky Fingers

Television - Marquee Moon

The Velvet Underground - s/t

Wire - 154

Who are some of your favorite current bands?

Bed Wettin' Bad Boys, Cable Ties, Contractions, FACS, Gotobeds, Grey Hairs, Hammered Hulls, Hot Snakes, Light Beams, METZ, Mint Mile, Modern Nature, Patois Counselors, Pays P., Rattle, Skull Practitioners, Slum of Legs, Sunwatchers, Tanning Bats, TK Echo, The Unit Ama.

I know I’m forgetting stuff. There’s a ton of excellent music being made right now.

What’s next for Savak? Once the lockdown is over will you guys tour?

It’s hard to be certain about anything these days, but I do know we’re eager to play once the Javel water has cleared. My hope is that we reschedule our UK tour as well as the shows we had on deck with Archers of Loaf. We were also trying to coordinate a Japanese tour, which we’d love to do, so I’ll add that to the list.

In the meantime we have a couple of non-album singles coming out later in the year.

I love making music, so whatever form it needs to take to make it work given our circumstances I’m fine with. Wanna jam on our phones? Hit me up!

SAVAK’s new one- Rotting Teeth in The Horses Mouth

BONUS QUESTION:  Tell us about all of those shows you recorded in the 80’s and have been putting up on the Dischord page? Great stuff!

Thanks! My mom bought me a Sony Betacam in 1985. I honestly had no inclination towards videotaping anything prior to this, but I think she may have thought it was a positive thing for a teenager to get involved in instead of playing Atari or hanging out at the Orange Julius at the mall or whatever. So I had this camera and I started taping what I was doing, which was basically going to shows. I didn’t think much about it and I never watched the tapes afterwards, so just slowly built up a collection of recordings that sat in a box at my parents’ house for years. It wasn’t until James Schneider started working on what eventually became the Punk the Capital movie that the tapes were unearthed. Then Scott Crawford wanted to use them for Salad Days and had the genius idea of getting Dave Grohl’s production company to digitize them, as they wanted footage for that Sonic Highways show. So at Scott’s suggestion I sheepishly asked if it was something they could do and they immediately said yes. I was pretty stunned by their generosity. The tapes themselves are now part of the Punk Archive in the DC Public Library, which is both cool and hilarious. The idea of random stuff I videotaped when I was 15 being part of an institutional archive is pretty absurd. Now that I’ve got this extra pandemic time to spend in front of my computer, I’ve been editing down each set, adjusting the light balance so the footage is less murky and also remastering the audio so they sound better. The timing of the Dischord Records Fan Page on Facebook is fortuitous, as it provides a reasonably eager audience for what might have otherwise just been a few additional gigs of server space being cooled in a Google data center in Moncks Corner, South Carolina.

“Who you callin’ a low life?” 

www.savakband.com

www.savak.bandcamp.com

[hcpefulmarshmallow]

Hello friends, this is just a thing that I wanted to mention real quick (you: “stop it Jenny, we know you don’t do real quick”) because it’s been playing on my mind for some time. Trigger warning for mental illness.

 To begin, a (somewhat) brief preface. When I talk about what’s a ‘real’ diagnosis and what’s not, I’m referring to what exists in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-V); and the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11).

 The most recent edition of the DSM-V was published in 2013 by the American Psychiatric Association, and the most recent edition of the ICD-11 in 2018. They are both common diagnostic tools for mental disorders, offering clear, standardised criteria. The DSM is more commonly used in America and is more universally known, while the ICD-11, despite being less common knowledge, actually has a wider reach professionally and is used more in Europe and other parts of the world. It also has a broader scope than the DSM, covering overall health instead of just mental disorders.

 Please bear in mind that I have not read either resource in their entirety, this is just what I can work out from more general research of the two, compared to patterns in writing that I see all the time. And just know that I’m not calling anyone out or trying to police anyone’s creativity. Consider this an information dump, and inspiration to research what you write.

 So, with all the boring stuff out of the way: what’s my damn point? Why did I take on the mammoth task of reducing a complicated and very nuanced issue to a single post? In fact, what is the issue at hand? 5 paragraphs in and I’ve still not addressed it, I’m a great essayist.

 Well, it all started with the song  “Sweet But Psycho” by Ava Max. And no, I don’t know it -- and neither does my sister who seems to think she does, because I hear the first four lines sung out loud more than I ever needed to: “Oh, she's sweet but a psycho / A little bit psycho / At night she's screamin' / I'm-ma-ma-ma out my mind”. And when you have that catchy but annoying tune in your head, the things you hate about it are inescapable. 

 At this point, you’re probably thinking this is another rant about the glorification (or even, gasp, the cutesification) of mental illness around us and, uh...sort of? Like I said, I’m not here to police anybody. And I don’t think almost anything is truly bad in isolation -- it’s the trend that scares me. There’s not much I, a lowly internet dweeb, can do about the mainstream, but I do think I can educate my fellow peers. And what I want to educate you on today is the use of words that don’t mean what we think they mean, as an example of why we need to mind the subject matter we handle.

 So. ‘Psycho’. In terms of writing, most people use it to refer to their characters who are your batshit off-the-wall cutesy crazy types. Your Yanderes and Jeff The Killers of the fandom world. It’s usually short for two different terms: either Psychopath or Psychotic, and in neither case does this do anybody any favours. Let me explain.

 The term ‘Psychopath’ is often used to describe someone who is cruel, violent, has no care for others, and is often bloodthirsty. These characters are usually presented in one of two ways: as someone who can blend into wider society until their true dark nature is triggered, at which point they become deadly and dangerous; or as someone who is simply unapproachable at all times. Psychopath also has a sister term it’s often treated as interchangeable with, of which I am sure you’re aware: Sociopath. A ‘Sociopath’ is someone who cannot or simply does not experience empathy, sympathy, all those wonderful emotions that make us caring and considerate towards others. As a result, a ‘Sociopath’ often winds up doing radically hurtful things to other people.

 The trouble with both of these words is that, medically, they do not exist. Not how we think they do. We just made them up to be mean to each other. That’s right, you can’t be diagnosed as a Sociopath, or a Psychopath. Yeah, I was shocked too. I got so used to hearing people described like this, I thought they must be real.

 And I’m not saying that these words are invalid, just because they’re not real diagnoses. That’s not how words work. The beauty of language is that we invented it, and we can keep on reinventing it. If people use the term ‘Psychopath’ in this way, it will inevitably come to mean this exact thing, no matter what psychology says. And that’s fine. The trouble is that they are often conflated with real mental illness. Used in the place of a genuine diagnosis so we can still have our crazy villain type without the constraints of real, attributable illness. Because you gotta keep ‘em guessing!!1! In the same way they become real words if we use them like they are, they become interchangeable with actual mental issues if we use them that way. The ‘symptoms’ of being a Psycho- or Sociopath are oftentimes just exaggerated forms of symptoms belonging to actual, diagnosed illnesses. And like I said, trends are worse than individual problems, but when we see a combination of symptoms in an illness, whether that illness is given a fake name or not, in exclusively characters who we’d never want to meet in real life, the real sufferers suffer. It puts a stigma in our minds whether we mean for it to or not; it closes us off to conversations, to understanding these people and how to help them.

 The worst cases are when writers take the opportunity to justify their use of the word by ‘diagnosing’ the character themselves, which takes on a whole new level of Yikes. We’re in such an awkward place in terms of representation at the moment, and I know it’s hard to navigate. I have all the love for people who do so with pure intentions. If, for example, you have a straight character, it’s easy for that character to be themselves. But if you have a gay character, everything they do is Gay, and it’s a representation of the Gay Community, and you will be held to a higher standard because of that. That is the lens through which we look at media right now, and it sucks for everyone, and is so easily exploited, but it is what it is. In much the same way, if your character is the only character in your story with a certain illness and they’re also your Big Bad, or someone who would be genuinely terrifying to approach -- well, I don’t think I need to explain why that could be seen as a major disservice. And of course, if your character is the only one in a whole darn genre...yeah. This is why trends matter. And why the trend of mental health getting misrepresented is so troublesome.

 But I digress: because remember, I did say there were two uses of the word Psycho, and the second is grounded in reality. The word ‘Psychotic’ is, medically speaking, a real thing. Again, used to mean someone who is deranged, possibly murderous - and like I said, if a word is used a certain way, it will come to mean a certain thing. But the term has a psychological basis. Psychotic describes someone experiencing Psychosis - a mental disorder in which the sufferer experiences a break from reality. The most classic case is a war veteran who thinks he is suddenly back on the battlefield.

 But obviously, a sufferer of a serious and damaging phenomenon isn’t what we think of when we hear ‘Psycho’ or even ‘Psychotic’. I don’t want to lean too much into the impact on mental health as a whole; that the idea of being neurodivergent is subsequently glamourised and demonised at the same time; that people latch onto labels that have real, practical use, all for the sake of feeling special. I want to keep it basic now. I want to ask: do terms like these have a place in writing? Specifically, in RP, since that is the form with which I am most acquainted right now. Obviously I can only answer with my own opinion, since there’s no Holy Doctrine to tell us one way or another.

 I’m not going to sit here and demonise everyone I think has mishandled subject matter. Believe me, I’ve not always been good at it -- I’m still not always good at it. And as someone actively playing a character whose mental issues are a major part of his characterisation, and who does things that make him unlikeable because of those mental illnesses, I know the pressure to get it right all the time. That unsteady balance between realism and demonisation, glorification and representation. The desire to put labels to traits, to have an understanding of what’s going on in such a complicated mind. It’s tricky. Everyone’s experiences are different. And I’m not saying we need to get rid of “crazy for the sake of crazy” characters, or view everything through the lens of “but who will this hurt??”; or get rid of these terms altogether. Like I said, societal meaning is still meaning. And I personally like to believe that most authors have good intentions, even those with poor execution. And I’m certainly not trying to shame anyone for falling for societal opinion. Everyone has about something at some point.

 If there’s a point to this at all, it’s this: research. Learn. Adapt. Not even my information is perfect and correct. I’ve seen everything above done a million times in so many ways, good and bad. If you want to follow a trend in writing or in storytelling, do, but try to understand it first so you can execute it better. Give it a purpose, and a place. Seize your right to be creative, by all means, but also take the opportunity to learn something new. And in turn, use your art to not only express and entertain, but educate.

 Tl;dr: The best premise in the word can still be executed poorly, but likewise, a poor premise can be executed well. No subject matter has to be wholly off limits, and not everything has to be a statement about something. But handling matters, so handle your work with respect. Do your research and understand what you’re saying before you say it. Make something you’re proud to stand by.

[lostsummerdayz]

Otakon 2019 In Review - The Language of Cosplay and Music

The legacy of famed artist, Nujabes, bridges two nations and two cultures together many years later

By. Nay Holland

Hello and good morning! Good afternoon! Good evening! Wherever you are reading this across all of the seven seas, or in the comfort of your own home, Lost Summer Dayz is here to bring you an exclusive report! A report none other than Otakon itself! This was my second time attending Otakon, with my first being way back in 2012, when it was still held in Baltimore.

There were several firsts for me the past weekend. It was my first time ever being inside Washington instead of passing through. Secondly, it was my first time attending the convention within the Washington venue. As such, I was coming into this convention, excited on what it would hold for me. For several reasons. Did Otakon live up to my hype that I had built up for it in my mind? We’ll find out now!

Our Otakon 2019 story begins earlier within the month of July, contrary to the day of travel. I had first heard the news of Otakon via a suggestion of the group I am affiliated with, the Geeks of the Round Table. What made me dead set on wanting to attend the event, however, were two major reasons.

The first reason was the Tribute to Nujabes concert and the chance to see quite possibly one of my favorite Japanese artists, MINMI. The second reason was to also meet my actual muse for getting me into Japanese music, Taku Takahashi. Everything else would have been a bonus, and the entire experience was indeed a giant love letter to the culture. But! I am getting way ahead of myself here!

Nessa and Leon from Pokemon Sword and Shield credit: bunsonbunscosplay

Knowing this, I’ve purchased the tickets to Otakon and VIP for the concert, and twiddled my thumbs waiting for this eventful weekend to arrive. Sure enough, on Thursday, July 25th, the morning did come. Meeting up with my fellow cohorts, we embarked on our bus ride to the event! At least, we would have, had the bus not arrived an hour late, thus making the trip a six hour trek. (The ride back was way more palatable, thankfully!)

The moment we arrived at Union Station we were greeted by panhandlers.

It was at that moment I realized, we never truly left New York after all.

Okay, so, D.C is different enough from NYC, but within the first thirty minutes of us walking to our hotel, I felt a sense of familiarity from the city. Aside from the White House that loomed in the distance, I grew accustomed to the city streets. It was just like walking through New York, but smaller. We’ve arrived at our hotel and once settled in, I departed to pick up my badge.

This was the main reason why I wanted to arrive at the con the day before the official first day. Thursday is considered to be “Day 0”, yet with the amount of staff assisting attendees, the abundance of cosplayers both inside and surrounding the venue, and the overall hustle bustle, one could easily assume that this was “Day 1” instead. There was so much activity that I stayed around for a few minutes after I had picked up my badge, just to take in the atmosphere. It was truly the calm before the storm.

Day 1, Friday. The gates were let wide open and Otakon commenced!

The Nujabes concert wasn’t until 8 and I had to be on the line by at most, 7, so I had about a good twelve or so hours to take in the Otakon experience. One of the first things I did was head to the game room, as per routine for any convention.

Ran by the lovely people at Tokyo Attack, the lineup for the arcade portion of the game room ranged from Gundam VS, to Dance Rush, DDR, Pump It Up, Sound Voltex, Nostalgia, Pop’n, Chunithm, BeatStream, and others. There wasn’t a IIDX machine once again, but with a star studded cast of niche Japanese rhythm games, I couldn’t complain.

I literally couldn’t believe they had IDZ. First time EVER seeing it in person!

At two, there was a Tekken tournament that I did participate in, that deserves a mention briefly!

Oh boy, here comes Nay a.k.a “Cereal K.” plugging in his Tekken experience at any event he goes to again!

Alisa from Tekken credit: sugarc0maa

In my defense, it wasn’t the main reason why I came to Otakon! Remember when I said “bonus”? This was the “bonus” albeit, I didn’t get too far in the tournament itself. I was one win away from top eight if that's any consolation, but, overall all who I played against were really good and I enjoyed my time hanging with my good friends in both the Tekken scene and the Otakon staff!

Annie from League of Legends credit: gbudnyjr

With still more time to kill before the Nujabes concert, I took more pictures of cosplayers throughout the convention. You’ll see pictures of them throughout the article spread across all three days, with their information underneath for you guys to check out! Part of the magic in attending conventions are the cosplayers. I’ve said this in my Castle Point article if you’d like to hear more of my thoughts, but, in a large scale convention like Otakon, you’ll never know who you might end up meeting.

One particular cosplayer however deserves a special mention. What started out as asking for a photo of her cosplay, due to the overall rarity of seeing a Tekken cosplay aside from the Alisa cosplayer in the tournament earlier that day, ended with a kindled friendship over the course of the weekend. Known as Kawaii Kiki Cosplay on Instagram and Facebook, Kiki has been cosplaying since 2013, yet has been attending Otakon since roughly 2009.  I was able to sit down with her briefly to have a conversation as she was open and friendly to share her story with me.

Straight from the DMV area herself, her cosplay ventures began in 2013, when a Sailor Moon group cosplay was in need of a replacement senshi. She answered the call, and the rest was history. Being a graduate of the Art Institute, she’s able to utilize her academic knowledge into her cosplay for optimal effectiveness. For example, when I first met her on Friday she was cosplaying Asuka from Tekken. Being recently introduced to the Tekken series,  she was able to capture the character well. As we spoke several attendees exclaimed in excitement as they, too, asked for her photo. It was these reactions, that made the cosplay worth it.

“Cosplay for me, is like one in costume wearing a Disney Princess outfit in Disney world for kids. I want my cosplay to enact a similar excitement for those who see me. I want to make others happy with who I’m cosplaying as,” she reflects.

It isn’t about how much you know about your cosplay, but rather, how much you are able to bring joy to others for wearing said cosplay.

There are some personal favorites that Kiki has in her arsenal, such as another Asuka cosplay she wore for the second day of Otakon. This Asuka was from Evangelion, with the outfit made to appear similar to Asuka’s  Eva 02. Lastly, she carried around a stuffed version of the iconic Pen Pen along with her. Perhaps her most favorite cosplay and convention experience was her appearance in Blizzcon last year, when she cosplayed as Leah from Diablo 3. The excitement of being around those who enjoy the same medium as her, while also cosplaying as an important character from said game, was enough to enhance the experience for her.

If any of you guys reading this have the chance, please give her some love! She’s a really amazing cosplayer and woman to hang around with and it was my pleasure to talk with her. Follow her at Kawaii Kiki Cosplay!

To round up Day 1, we have the Tribute to Nujabes concert. From the beginning, the message was clear. It was not just an ode to a legendary man, but an ode to hip hop.

The MC EyeQ blessed the stage, following Maryland’s own Substantial, then Shing02.

Seeing Substantial and Shing02 live, performing songs that I had listened to since my high school years gave me a sense of euphoria. At the time, over ten years ago when I was a sophomore in high school, I would listen to Nujabes during my lunch breaks in school. This was back during a time when I still used the pen and paper to write. Lyrics, fiction, whatever came to mind. Listening to the backdrops that Nujabes laid out, with rappers such as Substantial and Shing02, who would bless that very stage, tuned out life’s many inconsistencies at the time.

Coping with my grandmother’s passing, failing classes due to woes back at home, and overall trying to get a grasp of my existence. His music, along with the lyrics of everyone on that stage, helped me get through high school. To see them live and perform was what my teenage self would have wanted. I felt like I was fifteen again.

Being the opening act, EyeQ shuts it down while backed by DJ Okawari beats.

And then there was the final set. Adorned in an intricately designed kimono with long flowing hair comparable to a goddess herself, Minmi emerged basked in light. She took to the stage singing Shiki no Uta, the original ED to Samurai Champloo, and as the song ended, she shed her garment to reveal a flowing yellow tracksuit.

This was her way of saying “The gloves are coming off.” She had our attention, and we were under her spell for the next hour.

Performing some of her hits including Sumertime!!!, Hibiscus, and one of her recent singles, #Yacchaitai. Following these songs, the scene shifted once more as she pulled up a piano and started singing slower ballads. These included a cover of Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You,” Who’s Theme, and Sha Na Na. The last song was all the more powerful considering that Sha Na Na, originally a Dancehall classic, was sung in a ballad.

I’ve been a huge fan of MINMI for almost as long as I’ve been a fan of Nujabes and those who had graced the stage. She brings special mention because for a while, during my college years, I was growing accustomed to a new phase in my life. A new scenery in college, new friends, old ones moving from the city, long lasting relationships coming to a close, and overall I felt alone.

I first heard of MINMI through Samurai Champloo and a dear friend of mine who was unable to make it to Otakon with me, Devin Harris, had got me into her outside of the anime.

There’s this Japanese used book store called Book Off where I was able to find used CDs of hers, and since then I’ve been hooked. My knowledge of the Japanese language is limited, but, even through her music I could sense the energy and influence that Western music had on her. It was a different type of energy she brought with her, even hearing her as guest vocals on songs such as m-flo’s “Lotta Love.”

MINMI performing her cover of Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You”

She can bring out the energy, but also allow her audience to cool down as well. She can be the hype of the party as well as the emotional support. Dedicating her final songs to the tragedy at Kyoto Animation, she made me feel a wide range of emotions. Very few musicians I’ve had the pleasure of listening to, have had the range that MINMI has.

For me to be able to have a chance to see her live was a treat. For me to meet her after the concert and tell her these things and more, was the icing on the cake.

Day 2 began with meeting quite possibly my biggest influence in Japanese music, Taku Takahashi. You may notice a pattern at this point, with Nujabes, Substantial, Shing02, and MINMI all being music of my adolescence, and Taku does not break away from this mold. Being a third of the trio of talented artists known as m-flo, m-flo as a group exposed me to music I would have never known existed outside of New York.

I was just thirteen at the time during middle school. I already felt like an outcast because my, then, budding tastes in anime and “nerd culture” caused me to be the odd one out. I was into DDR at the time, so I would join several online communities where we would talk about music from DDR. M-flo was one of the groups brought up. While technically not being in DDR at the time, their songs were featured in beatmania IIDX, a rhythm game I mentioned earlier. When IIDX was in its infancy, it was possible to link a IIDX machine and a DDR machine, known as “Club Versions,” to allow players to play IIDX songs on DDR machines. This was how I found out about m-flo.

I liked their style of hip hop and how familiar it sounded to me, despite the language barrier. From the beginning, they always had a style to blend Western Hip Hop with a local flavor to call it their own. They were one of the pioneers of the Japanese Hip Hop renaissance period, and I would be introduced during the tail end of it. Just as I was getting into m-flo, they were starting their “m-flo loves” series, in which their next three albums, Astromantic, Beat Space Nine, and Cosmicolor, would feature heavily on collaborators. One of these collaborators as I’ve also mentioned earlier, would be MINMI.

LSD ❤ ☆Taku Takahashi!

I’ve been an m-flo fan for a very long time. Not just as a group, but for their solo careers as well. From the rapper, VERBAL, being a consistent feature on Nujabes’ earlier works as L-Universe, his collaborations with Pharrell, and his fashion career. From the singer, Lisa, with her solo career and independent projects. Lastly, there’s Taku Takahashi himself.

Of the three I resonated with him the most, considering how many works he had become a part of over the years. From his works with House Nation, DJing, collaborations and remixes independently. To his recent features on IIDX and his musical works in anime which includes Panty and Stocking to his most recent being Carole and Tuesday. To list everything that these three had done independently as well as a group, would double the reading length of this article. Needless to say, to have a chance to meet one of the hardest working artists in the business, who started as an inspiration for my music tastes as well as learning more about Japanese culture, made me starstruck. Pun intended.

After meeting him, there was the Nujabes tribute panel to accompany the concert from the night before. Seeing everyone on the panel, most of whom I had met either the night before or a few hours prior and hearing their stories, left me with a deeper understanding on the influence that Nujabes had.

There was also a lot that I’ve learned involving some of the work that went into the songs for Samurai Champloo. Back on the subject of MINMI, the inspiration for “Who’s Theme” was more personal than I had initially thought.

I had always had speculation that “Who’s” was meant to be “Fuu’s,” as the main character in Samurai Champloo was arguably Fuu. Somewhere there was a loss in translation and Fuu was mistaken as Who due to the way Fuu sounds in the native tongue. She mentioned that the song was, indeed, “Fuu’s Theme,” but her inspiration for writing that song was putting herself in the character of Fuu.

There are some minor spoilers for Samurai Champloo here, but, Fuu’s goal in Samurai Champloo was to find a “samurai who smells of sunflowers.” Ultimately, the “sunflower samurai” was Fuu’s father, and the loss of her father was her driving force to find her against all odds.

MINMI read the script of Samurai Champloo and it instilled an emotion inside of her that she could relate to. The feeling of loss, the feeling of separation from one’s family. Feeling what Fuu felt, she used Fuu as a muse to write the song. This brings a new meaning to the song itself, as you can feel the words that are being said by her.

This was a point that everyone at the panel brought up. It was a question I’ve had since middle school, which was finally answered that very day.

“How can I, who does not know Japanese, appreciate the music? How can I, who does not know Korean, influence my musical choice for many years to come?”

Aside from Japanese music, I was also getting into Korean hip hop and R&B at that time as well. Despite the language barriers, when it comes to music, we all have an ability to feel an emotion. Happiness, sadness, it doesn’t matter what language it’s spoken. Music is a language we feel. Nujabes’ ear for music tastes, whether he wanted to go for the urban sound or a more traditional one, was an ear that understood the universal language of emotion. Everyone in that room, be it on the panel or as an attendee, had felt that language spoken to us in one way or another.

Later on that night, everything came full circle. I was able to go to the Otakon rave and see Taku perform his set. Remember when I said that MINMI was a collaborator with m-flo during their “loves” series? He had brought her out as a guest during his set and she performed the song she collaborated with m-flo, “Lotta Love,” live.

A vast majority of the crowd may have been introduced to her that night, but it was an energy that was felt. The music alone was enough to make everyone dance and have a good time, further answering my question. I left that night, no, I left that weekend in a state of content.

While I never had the chance to meet Nujabes when he was alive, he lives in in his music. He lives on in the memories of those he had worked with, those he has influenced, and those who listened to his music. I left D.C with a value that was priceless than any merch. Although the weekend came and went, the memories I made, the people I got to experience, and the stories I got to hear, will resonate with me for the rest of my life.   Rest in Power, Jun Seba As a bonus, this was probably the hypest part of the night. Watching Shing02 and all who had performed, perform a cypher to Battlecry backed by Team Red Pro breaking. Blood was left on the stage that evening and it was a massacre of beats and lyrics.

See you next year, Otakon!

[inknerd]

Reading Wrap-Up: Summer 2018 (June to August)

The books I read and finished from June to August 2018! I feel like it’s been a good summer for me and books, despite that I haven’t read all the books I’d hoped to (mainly because there was A LOT), but these are all the books I read during the summer, 23 in total; perhaps you read some of them too?

WARCROSS by MARIE LU ★★★★☆ | 353 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2017 |

I was pleasantly surprised how little time it took for me to read this. I’m looking forward to the sequel! + It was very engaging and I liked the world that Lu painted up for the reader. - You could sort of see the plot twist coming (not that it was a bad one) and the supposed “friendships” fell flat for me.

CROOKED KINGDOM by LEIGH BARDUGO ★★★★★ | 536 pages | 6 days to read | Published 2016 |

Whatever hesistance I had reading Six of Crows (which was very little, by the end of it) completely evaporated reading Crooked Kingdom. It’s great! + The characters were what really hooked me on this story in the first place, and I really liked how we got to know more about them. Especially Wylan, who became my favourite. - I wouldn’t like to spoil anything, but there’s certain parts of the ending that I might have wanted to change. Might.

VICIOUS by V.E. SCHWAB ★★★★★ | 368 pages | 2 days to read | Published 2013 |

Started out sort of-maybe liking it but then I really got going. I’m SO down to buy the sequel as soon as it gets out. + The characters, their motivations, stories, and powers were all so intruiging! - I can’t really come up with something to complain about? It took some time to get into, I guess.

THE PENELOPIAD by MARGARET ATWOOD ★★★★☆ | 198 pages | 2 days to read | Published 2005 |

I’d looked for another greek myth retelling ever since I read The Song of Achilles, and this was a great one! It’s also the first Margaret Atwood book I ever read, and I absolutely want to read more books by her. + It was very beautifully written and explored characters I’d never seen explored and in a way that felt very original, even for more known characters as Odysseus and Helena. - It could get a little boring, at times.

CALL ME BY YOUR NAME by ANDRÉ ACIMAN ★★★☆☆ | 248 pages | 3 days to read | Published 2007 |

I wanted to read the book before I saw the movie. I still haven’t seen the movie, but I will...someday. + It was a very beautiful book, in certain ways. The language and the overall feeling of just everything was dripping of the pages and made it hard to stop reading while the book also felt way longer than it actually was. - But I also felt strangely...underwhelmed by the whole thing? Like I get why people like it but at the same time it was a somewhat strange book were not much happened. I also don’t get why everyone makes such a big fuss about the peach scene when there’s a literal scene where they watch each other take a shit. Like. I’m serious.

ELIZA AND HER MONSTERS by FRANCESCA ZAPPIA ★★★☆☆ | 385 pages | 2 days to read | Published 2017 | 

When there’s a book about fandom experience in some form I usually want to read it. Sadly, for me this didn’t quite live up to, let’s say Fangirl (which I love), but was still an enjoying read. + I liked the whole thing with Monstrous Sea and how it included other parts of fandom from fanart, fanfiction, cosplay, but also how it can be hard to make people from the outside understand. - Not all of it simply clicked for me.

MEMORIES OF EMANON by SHINJI KAJIO & KENJI TSURUTA ★★★★☆ | 175 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2008 |

Man, I can’t believe I hadn’t read this manga before!  + The art was beautiful, Kenji Tsuruta just made Emanon so pretty as well as the background and it all fit so well with the story. The story itself was very intruiging, I’d like to know more about Emanon and all her lives. - There was this one thing that bothered me about Emanon and how her memories sort of transfered to her offspring, and it could get a little confusing at times but at the same time it was part of the charm of this little story.

JIM HENSON’S LABYRINTH: THE NOVELIZATION by A.C.H SMITH, JIM HENSON & BRIAN FROUD ★★★★☆ | 288 pages | 7 days to read | Published 2014 (1986) |

When I found out this existed I was mindblown. You mean to say there’s a novelisation of one of my favourite movies and I haven’t read it yet!? There seems to be no physical copies left, but lucky for me there was a e-book version available! + It was so much fun to revisit the story and dive deeper into the characters. I feel like I got a deeper appreciation of some and more frustration from others, despite the book almost following the movie to a T. - Like...okay. The story wasn’t that great - if you weren’t a fan of Labyrinth before this book or haven’t seen the movie this book probably won’t give you much, to be honest. Sadly, the pictures of Henson’s written notes in the end wasn’t really readable either. At least not for me, who can’t read cursive for shit, especially when it’s sloppy.

ELLA ENCHANTED by GAIL CARSON LEVINE ★★★☆☆ | 232 pages | 2 days to read | Published 1998 |

Another book that I read because I love the movie so much! This one came before the movie, though. + It was very witty and gave new perspective to characters I already love. The world of Ella Enchanted was somewhat different from the movie (actually, a lot of things was, especially the main plot changed tremendously) and I felt like the book more than the movie focused on Ella and her curse and how she felt about it and how it affected her entire life even after it was broken. The romance was also very cute. - Perhaps it’s because I saw the movie first and it’s so funny and one of my favourites, but I missed some of its elements when reading the book. I wished I’d read the book when I was younger, I think I’d liked it even more then.

AN ASSEMBLY SUCH AS THIS ★★★☆☆, DUTY AND DESIRE ★☆☆☆☆ & THESE THREE REMAIN ★★☆☆☆ by PAMELA AIDAN | 1073 pages | 12 days to read | Published 2006-2007 |

These are all part of the Fitzwilliam Darcy, Gentleman series - which is a Pride and Prejudice story from Darcy’s perspective. + When I read the first book I really thought I’d found the P&P retelling from Darcy’s perspective I’d been looking for. It was very promising and funny to see through his eyes and how he and Elizabeth misunderstood each other. - The rest of the series didn’t go as well. Duty and Desire was plain boring and had no feeling from the original work by Austen. These Three Remain was slightly better simply because it returned to the original setting of P&P, but by then I was already too bored to enjoy the story any longer.

LET’S TALK ABOUT LOVE by CLAIRE KANN ★★★☆☆ | 288 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2018 |

I was so excited for this book. Asexuality! In YA! Just what I needed and craved. Still crave, actually. + The story was very cute, and I could connect with a lot of what was talked about. The supporting characters were also very funny and well-developed. The friendship of this story were more interesting to read than the romance, in certain ways. - As cute as the story was and how refreshing it was with an ace main character, there isn’t much more to say about this book. It was good. It was nice. Not much else. The overall plot was pretty standard beneath it all.

GOBLIN MARKET AND OTHER POEMS by CHRISTINA ROSSETTI ★★★★☆ | 135 pages | 6 weeks | Published 2017 (1862) |

I heard about this for the first time in my Literature class at uni, and was immideatly interested in reading it. And let’s just say this is among my favourite poetry collections of all time now. + The poem Goblin Market was a clear favourite, but the whole first section of the book was so pretty and a fantastic read. I underlined a lot of lines that stood out to me. - The later parts of the book was to me not enjoyable as the first one. I definitely felt more drawn to the poems of Rossetti that took inspiration from nature and folklore rather than the ones who talked a lot about Christianity and Jesus.

UNNATURAL CREATURES by NEIL GAIMAN (editor) ★★★☆☆ | 462 pages | 32 days to read | Published 2013 |

This was a collection of short stories selected by Neil Gaiman (one of them written by him). And as always, as soon as I see the man’s name I feel compelled to read whatever it is he’s written or edited. + I really liked reading the first part of this collection! All the stories are very cool and the book has a very wide range of unnatural creatures. From dictator wasps to griffins to werewolves.  - As it should be, some stories appealed to me more than others. Some were pretty boring.

THE DARKEST MINDS by ALEXANDRA BRACKEN ★★★☆☆ | 488 pages | 5 days to read | Published 2012 |

When I saw the trailer of the movie it looked very interesting, so I quickly got myself an e-book copy and read it before the movie came out. + Overall it was a good book. The setting and the powers within the universe were good and the book was well-written. - At the same time I feel like I’ve fallen out of the YA dystopian genre a bit. It didn’t feel like The Darkest Minds gave me anything and I’d seen the characters before in a lot of different YA literature. I don’t feel super eager to continue on with this series, but maybe I will anyway.

FURYBORN by CLAIRE LEGRAND ★★★★☆ | 512 pages | 14 days to read | Published 2018 |

This book was so hyped on booktube, the cover was amazing and the premise sounded exciting. I’m glad to say that it wasn’t disappointing! + What I loved the most was how everything revealed itself over the chapters. I constantly tried to figure out how everything fit together and the suspense was thrilling. The characters are also very well-written. - I was good, but I can’t say the plot really took a hold of me and forced me to continue on reading. It took a while to read, and by the end of it my thoughts were “well, this was good! I’m looking forward to the sequel” and not much else.

HER BODY AND OTHER PARTIES by CARMEN MARIA MACHADO ★★☆☆☆ | 248 pages | 11 days to read | Published 2017 |

I heard about this book somewhere online saying it was a very interesting and worthy read. Luckily I found it at a library and read the collection of short stories during a period of time. + As it normally is with short story collections, some you like and some you like less. I think my favourite in Her Body and Other Parties was the first one, then I sort of lost more and more interest. It was very beautifully written and poetic, though. - I just didn’t have enough energy to completely understand all the stories and what they were trying to say. It just wasn’t my cup of tea.

HOUSE OF LEAVES by MARK Z. DANIELEWSKI ★★★★☆ | 709 pages | 2 days to read | Published 2000 |

Jeez, this was a weird book. But I liked it. I thought for sure it would take me ages to read this - especially once I started and almost fell asleep after 20 pages - but then it took hold of me and I just couldn’t stop. + What’s definitely the most interesting about this book is it’s weird style. It’s like a medium inside a medium inside a medium; with footnotes stretching over entire pages, text being upside down or just blank pages with only one or two words written. It helped the story being even more creepy. - Though the medium sort of makes the story, it’s also why this book is so hard and frustrating to read. There could be lists of names that one just didn’t care enough to skim through or sudden breaks in the main story for page-long articles about greek myths, history, or other things that just made me want to return to the actual horror story that I was reading.

THE TEA DRAGON SOCIETY by KATIE O’NEILL ★★★★☆ | 72 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2017 |

Aww, this is one of the cutest, warmest graphic novels I’ve ever read! + The art was so cute and fit the story perfectly. The characters were so colourful and funny, I almost wish it was longer! The information about tea dragons at the end was also very enjoying to read. - I don’t really have any actual complaints.

MY SOLO EXCHANGE DIARY by NAGATA KABI ★★★☆☆ | 168 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2018 |

The awaited sequel to My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness! + I love the art of this manga so damn much. You have no idea. It’s just so cute even when it deals with so serious issues. And it’s PINK! - I felt like I didn’t understand or connect to this one as much as I did with the first one. Her ideas and descriptions of humans and human relationships are very interesting and thought-provoking, but more than once I had some issues with understanding.

THE WEIGHT OF FEATHERS by ANNE-MARIE MCLEMORE ★★★☆☆ | 308 pages | 2 days to read | Published 2015 |

This is Mclemore’s debut novel, and I’m absolutely thinking about checking out some of her other books. + The magic realism and scenery are amazing. The two shows - one with “mermaids” and the other with tree-climbing “fairies” - are amazing and so imaginative. - The story didn’t really catch a hold of me and I wasn’t overly invested in the romance either.

OF FIRE AND STARS by AUDREY COULTHURST ★★★☆☆ | 389 pages | 4 days to read | Published 2016 |

A fantasy novel featuring two princesses in love? Sign me up. + I quite liked the universe and character Coulthurst made, they all felt very real and human. - I felt disconnected from the magic system and the plot. I didn’t really care much for what happened outside of Mare and Denna’s relationship - the political intrigue wasn’t interesting for me.

THE ASTONISHING COLOR OF AFTER by EMILY X.R. PAN ★★★☆☆ | 462 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2018 |

Another debut novel filled with feelings, colours and magical realism - I’d looked forward to reading this so much! + The topic of colours that is brought up chapter after chapter and the significance of the feathers and the bird - it all makes this book seem more magical. - As interesting and beautiful this book was, I can’t say it really stood out to me. While being a good book, it didn’t make me feel anything special, you know?

EVERY HEART A DOORWAY by SEANAN MCGUIRE ★★★★★ | 169 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2016 |

Like, I knew I was going to love this book, so I’m still confused why it took me so long until I picked it up? + Just, god, the worldbuilding!? The characters!? I loved how peculiar they all were and how they sort of incarnated the worlds they’d been to. Also, asexual main character? You got me hooked. - Honestly just the fact that it felt a bit too short? I would’ve liked more! More about the characters and worlds they’d lived in (though I think that’s shown more in the sequels to this?)

[dablesretrospective]

2010 - Dables - Dables Plays Daniel Johnston

Wow, it’s been 4 years since I wrote my last entry on the history of Dables albums. I’m reaching new levels of lazy slackerdom...  This is my tribute to one of my favorite songwriters, Daniel Johnston. Of who’s artwork (the “Hi How Are You frog”) is forever tattooed on my arm.  This album was recorded roughly around the same time as that one, and completed just a few months after the release of Grandparents Forever. It was recorded between August and October 2010, and officially released on Oct 30,2010.  Recorded the entire thing by myself, in my bedroom at my parent’s house in Fountain Inn, SC. Mostly while they weren’t home too.  For this one, I’ll just repost what I wrote in the liner notes for this album, if you ever managed to get your hands on a hard copy, I made at least 80 or so of them, maybe more over the years. The following was written by hand inside the liner notes booklet of the CD. The “guy” I was addressing was actually Michael Keller of Satan in Bondage as he was the first one to receive a finished copy of this album. I had hand-drawn the cover art, complete with full liner notes and various doodles, and gave it to him with no intention of it being the final artwork. After he told me how much he liked the entire hand-drawn package, he convinced me to just go ahead and use it for the final version.

           What’s up guy?  They say the way to beat writer’s block is to write through it, even if it sucks.  So when I hit the “wall”, I played through it.  I got bored, depressed, stoned, and out of ideas until I realized there are tons of great Daniel Johnston songs that lots of people think suck, so I tried to re-do them in my own sort of way.  This album was mainly recorded during a manic week or listening to nothing but Johnston albums, I played the ones I liked and didn’t mix anything for over a month. Well, there was supposed to be more songs but I lost them during a power outage in a storm.  OK I’m out of stuff to say. Hope you like this CD man! Long live the Johnston!                                      -David Walker 10-28-2010

A few more tidbits to add, the liner notes also said “I’ll give you a dollar if you can figure out what the sample in the beginning of Casper is!”. It’s from O Brother Where Art Thou. No more dollars for a correct guess, haha. I remember Lousy Weekend was the first one I recorded for this album and I think Funeral Home was the last one.  Another big impetus that made me want to record this album was most of my friends (besides Keller) pretty much hated Daniel Johnston due to how lo-fi and sloppy most of his music is.  This also existed as an attempt to get some of my friends to realize he’s a genius songwriter, thinking if I recorded a better fidelity/quality version of his stuff, with emphasis on his great melodies and lyrics, that I could help convince some of those people that he doesn’t suck.  In the end, I don’t think it worked too well as I think most of those same people, still think he pretty much sucks lol. One time someone came up to me at a show and told me they loved this album and that they found it in a public library. As in it is an item in the CD section that you can check out from the library. I assume it was one of my hand-made copies that somehow made it’s way to being donated to a library. No clue on earth who did that or how it happened, I’ve asked around about it a few times and everyone I have asked said they know nothing about this. Very odd, but also pretty cool I guess. I forget where the library was, but somewhere in Greenville probably, possibly Easley.  

In 2011 and again in 2013 I played a show billed as “Dables Plays Daniel Johnston”. It was a solo acoustic guitar show, played AS Daniel Johnston. I’ll repost the original description I used for the flyer here:

In the vein of Beatlemania, Dables Plays Daniel Johnston is a Daniel Johnston tribute performed completely in the character of Johnston, culled from his 80's-early 90's famously awkward and weird acoustic guitar shows. Clean shaved, skinny, shaggy hair, wearing his own t-shirt, and promoting himself by full name constantly, Johnston was known for being extremely nervous on stage and talking awkwardly about his religious beliefs, or apologizing profusely after messing up lyrics to his songs, sometimes ending them early out of frustration. He would play the guitar a little too hard sometimes, or miss notes while singing and occasionally flub a lyric or two, and every now and then really appear that his about to have a nervous breakdown right before your eyes, normally after he thinks he played "badly" in his mind. He often bows after songs, and says the titles and usually the year or album they are from and always kept his sets very short, 5-6 songs tops. David Walker of the Greenville, SC grunge/folk/stoner rock act Dables, tries to recreate all of this to maintain the awkward, emotional, personal, sometimes poignant and sometimes funny and overall entertaining performances of Daniel Johnston.

Overall both shows went really well, both being well-attended and people seemed to enjoy it. A few people at the first one, I heard afterwards had no idea who Johnston was and thought I was really like how I was acting on stage, all weird and awkward, (Well, I am like that BUT…) and they had no idea I was doing a character. Hilarious! I remember at the second one some guy booed me while on stage and yelled out “mental illness isn’t funny! You suck!” in a quiet yet loud enough for me to hear voice. It was not my intention to make fun of Daniel Johnston, I thought that people could tell how much I admire and love the man due to my commitment and knowledge of his music, but there must’ve been 1 or 2 who didn’t get it.  It’s supposed to be funny and a little uncomfortable. That’s how the real classic Johnston shows were. I was attempting to re-create that, so people could see what I think it would be like to attend a Johnston show in the 80s or early 90s. Well, that wraps up just about everything I can think of to say about the “Johnston era” of Dables.

----------------------------

Released October 8, 2010                         All music performed and recorded by David Walker. All songs and lyrics written by Daniel Johnston. Slackerpop Records 2010

1. I Live My Broken Dreams 2. Grievances 3. Casper The Friendly Ghost 4. Lousy Weekend 5. Tell Me Now 6. Devil Town 7. Go 8. Get Yourself Together 9. Running Water 10. Never Relaxed 11. I’ll Do Anything But Breakdance For Ya, Darling 12. Psycho Nightmare 13. Sorry Entertainer 14. True Love Will Find You in The End 15. Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Your Grievances 16. Funeral Home

Download this album for free at:

https://dables.bandcamp.com/album/dables-plays-daniel-johnston

[avaliveradio]

Sixteenth official release from Linda aka Sand with new single 'Into My Dreams'

The sixteenth official release from Linda aka Sand, her new single, "Into My Dreams" is the product of a collision between a range of influences from Harry Styles to Post Malone. I have a very soulful voice, see Adele, Amy Winehouse, but I wanted to find a fresh pop sound this time.

It's a love song, a ballad that throws its arms around you and doesn’t let go, just like when you say goodbye to your lover at the airport and don't know if you're going to be able to see him again anytime soon. As many must have experienced in these difficult times of lockdowns and restrictions on traveling... challenging for long-distance love! Technology helps sure... messages, video calls but.. dreams are where at night you let go of control, and your hopes, doubts, fear, and desires inspire your fantasies!

Artist: Linda aka Sand

New Release: Into My Dreams

Genre: Pop/ singer songwriter/ alternative

Sounds like: : Song: Harry Styles, Post Malone,  Vocals: Amy Winehouse, Adele, Sam Smith,

Located in: : London

I am an Italian singer-songwriter who always went for an international sound and style. Being raised in USA and having studied music there, I always wrote and sang in English!

 The Music…

I recorded in a new studio, a new country..my first 100% UK made single since I moved to London from Italy, although I have released 3 other songs since I came. This time I decided for a new collaboration with the production duo Jump & Turner from Cardiff, Wales, who crafted a live band feel to the song, giving it that organic feel while spicing it up with a couple of modern synth layers to give it some edge. 

I made the decision to work with new producers as I wanted to start to make myself known here in this country where I am living now. It's been a year of big changes for me at every level but I'm up for the challenge! Lockdown sure didn't make thing easy for me as for any other musician but I am positive and I know that very soon we'll get back on that stage! We tried to keep the attention high through social media although as I am a solo artist it's been tough to try and produce good quality content! I did the work and research and I found these two producers, Jump&Turner, who really inspired me. It was great to work with them, to go to their studio in Wales to record...and I know I will work with them again. What I want is to perform all my songs live in this country where so many famous artists were born or started their career. Of course online distribution gets your music to a global audience and who knows.. one day I might go back to USA, to New York, to Boston, to Nashville to all the cities that have meant something to me..to Los Angeles, where I get up, which is always in my dreams..see the title..see the artwork!!

About the Artist…

 I am and independent Italian singer songwriter raised in USA and now living in London. I've been changing the places where I live, houses where I live, jobs, friends, tastes, priorities, hair...the only thing that stays is my love for music!

When I was a kid I would sing from the terrace of our house in Italy and make up songs. But that songwriting talent just sat there for a long time until in 2013 I started releasing my own music. In my family music was very much appreciated but not as something you could do professionally so I studied to become an ambassador or a consul...which I didn't'!

I changed so many jobs but mostly I traveled the world. When I was 25 years old I met other musicians and from there I never stopped singing! I went to Berklee College of Music in Boston and that gave me the confidence to start performing live... jazz, funk and soul cover bands.  In 2013 I wrote and released 10 original songs with Dutch producer Sherman De Vries. One of them “INVISIBLE” won a songwriting competition with Jim Donaldson Publishing in Nashville.  That got me on a plane and in 2014 I recorded and released 3 new songs in Nashville with musicians Jon Denney and Mike Farona. 

In 2016 I released my first album “MOMENTUM” with an Italian label. Unfortunately the label didn't really help much with the promotion of the album. So to mark the distance from them I chose a new artist name "Linda aka Sand" and got back to my indie production and in November 2017 I released a new single called “REVOLUTION”. 

I then started a collaboration with Coffee Shop Arts and with them I released 6 new songs and an ep, called LOOKING BACK with some of my old unreleased material.  Now it's London baby...and everything is changing again!!!

LINKS:  https://open.spotify.com/album/1JP3j3RrxsFq9FOcb62VOo?si=I67bXm6BRyCoLuq_MEZKvw&dl_branch=1 https://www.facebook.com/lola.gambino https://www.instagram.com/linda_aka_sand/

[nerdmars]

South Sacramento native Phil “S.B.” Tayag is largely known as the founding member of hip-hop dance collective The Jabbawockeez. The crew burst onto the scene after their 2008 victory in the inaugural season of America’s Best Dance Crew, and their signature white masks have since become part of pop culture.

The group's success is nothing minor, as they’ve enjoyed a residency at Las Vegas’ MGM Grand for the past eight years, performed during the 2016 and ‘17 NBA Finals in their native California, and appeared all over television.

Tayag has the pleasure of being able to say that he always saw success for him and his crew. But S.B. also envisioned his career path going in a different direction. “When I was in high school, I thought that I would work with a huge important artist. I just always wanted to collaborate,” he says.

Today, it is clear that he's seen the vision through — Tayag's recent work shows that he’s living his dreams out. In fact, he has become the go-to guy of one of music's biggest stars: Bruno Mars. Tayag has worked with Bruno on his smash Mark Ronson collab "Uptown Funk,” the Super Bowl 50 halftime show, and most recently, the now-viral “Finesse” remix video.

Check out Phil Tayag discussing the "Finesse" remix video, and the chemistry he shares with Bruno Mars, below.

When did you start with dancing and choreography?

Jabbawockeez is the crew that kind extends from even the early '90s, and I'm still rocking with those guys today. But I just knew that I always wanted to do what I loved to do, I wasn't concerned with anything outside of this art world. I went to school, barely finished high school, finished up at a continuation school in South Sac, just because I was already traveling, doing shows up and down the west coast. I just committed to it, man.

We ended up doing this show, America's Best Dance Crew, in 2008, and it kind of started this whole wave. A culture shock as far as this style of dance and how we did stuff. Ever since then, it's definitely been a rollercoaster, being an artist coming from nothing to getting that type of recognition. We're still hungry, we're still doing stuff. I think after we even got the residency at MGM [Grand] and have been out here ever since. You know, seven years now.... It's 2018 huh? (laughs) Well we're going on eight years out here in Vegas and about five years ago, Bruno reached out, and the rest is history man. We've been doing videos since “Uptown Funk,” and here we are, I'm talking to Billboard.

When did you and Bruno get properly acquainted?

We were putting up our show at the Luxor [in Las Vegas] and I wanna say this was 2013 or 2014. But Bruno had reached out because he actually wanted me to get down on his record "Treasure," and at the time I was two weeks in with our grand opening for our show at Luxor, called Prism. I was super excited that he had reached out, but it was just bad timing. So it didn't work out, and then he ended up going on tour for like a year too, so I didn't hear from him. I thought kinda missed the bus.

When he got off the tour a year or two later, he hit me up again and was like, "Hey, Phil, I got the record that I want you to get down on. And it was "Uptown Funk."

When he reached out to do "Uptown Funk," what was going through your head?

Well first of all, he let me listen to the record... I listen to a lot of different kinds of music, and good music is good music. My pops is a big fan of music, and so I grew up listening to everything from The Beatles, to David Sanborn, to Bob Marley, to Morris Day. I was definitely listening to Jimi [Hendrix]. When I heard this record, I was like, "Oh shit, this is just a classic." This a record that's gonna play at every wedding from now to 20 years later. Those are the hits, the classics, that you wanna play when you're celebrating one of the biggest, greatest times of your life.

I felt that way instantly about "Uptown Funk," and so I knew it was nothing to play with. Obviously it did a thing after it came out and we were right, my gut was right as far as how huge this record was. So it was definitely dope to be a part of that history for sure.

How did the "Finesse" remix choreography come to life? How does the creative process go?

I think that we definitely bounce ideas off of each other from the inception. And I think the song itself is pretty self-explanatory, you're already gonna think of a certain era, you're already thinking '90s. We're thinking about how to touch on that world but also still make it fresh and new. Like, how people do cover songs? We didn't want to just do a cover song, how do you remix that song? We didn't want to just cover In Living Color; how could we still make it fresh at the same time?

But going back and forth about the '90s era and all that, I guess you kind of just have to realize what's in front of you. So Bruno's like, "What if we do In Living Color?" At that time, I was probably Facetime-ing him — wearing like Reebok Pumps. Obviously we were kind of stirring that pot, and as soon as he said that, after all the ideas that we might have tossed around, that one stuck and we just went full-throttle. He reached out to the powers that be on that end with the In Living Color thing, got the blessing, and we just rocked out.

What was the energy like working on the "Finesse" set? I'm sure Cardi B was fun to be around.

That whole shoot day was kind of just celebrating, you've got real people that are in the game right now. It wasn't any funny stuff, it wasn't all Hollywood. I gotta shout out my dancers that I was able to put on the project: Danielle Polanco, Bianca Brewton, TJ Lewis, and Ysabelle Capitulé. These artists are big in the dance world, and I've been waiting to have an opportunity to collab and work with them. Especially with the female artists, because I haven't been working with female artists since everything with Jabbawockeez popped off, being that it was an all-male group.

I think that Cardi is a blessing to the game. I just think that she's a good-ass person. I think the humility that she has... When we see her, I feel like we see one of us making it. Like one of the homies from the hood. She's just a culture shock at the same time, because of how real she is, and how unfiltered she is. But really, that's how people are without trying to curate it, and trying to be a superstar. She's not trying to be a superstar, she just is.

It was really just dope to see her in person, and she's the same way that you would probably see her on Instagram, she just isn't a front. So when Bruno had told me that she was on the remix, I was like, "This is perfect." We were paying homage, but now there's this twist because Cardi B is the shit right now. So it's always a blessing to see real people make it.

You've pretty much become Bruno’s go-to guy as far as choreography. What have you learned from him and from working around him?

You know what, here's the blessing: I knew when I was really young, like when I was in high school, I thought that I would work with a huge important artist. I just always wanted to collaborate. At the time, and it's kind of weird, but there was a point in time where I thought I was going to... Well, I wanted to choreograph for Aaliyah. This was probably when I was a freshman; it was a big deal, obviously, when she passed. But then we started to develop the crew thing, and stuff started to pop off with the Jabbawockeez.

But there's always been a part of me that wanted to really collaborate and help another artist and really do their repertoire and style, and the whole visual side of their art. Because dance, music, singing, writing -- they all go hand-in-hand. And I don't think people really recognize or really respect how important the video aspect is. That's why we love, for example, Michael Jackson -- because not only did he write, produce, record, and sing his own music but he was an embodiment of his music as well. He curated the entire package when it came to his art form and music.

I wanted to kind of get my chance and see what I could do with an artist out there. It never really hit me -- it's not like Bruno was my target artist that I really wanted to build with, but after "Uptown Funk," I realized... duh. This guy, he writes his music, he produces, he's a great performer. He's one of those artists that has the whole package, and I realized that after "Uptown Funk" that he was nothing to play with. This cat was serious.

And what I learned from him moving forward is just to embrace who you are. I mean that's what I've always been about, and it's weird because we're so similar. He's born October 8, I'm born October 9, we're both Libras. It's the same humor and the same vibe. We have really humble beginnings to, and I think you can see that in our art today where it's not from entitlement, we're not disconnected from the people. We come from that and still live that. I think that's where a lot of our inspiration is drawn from, our beginnings, our humble foundations, and every one that we kind of grew up with. Here we are doing In Living Color, and it's just celebrating another time that we have all been influenced by.

I feel like now, creating with my brother Bruno, it's just a celebration every time. We just get in the studio, and we're doing the same thing we'd be doing if we were dead-ass broke. It's just celebrating the fact that we have an idea and we can make it come to life.

Being that the song is so '90s in vibe, who are some '90s era dancers that you looked up to?

Definitely New Edition and New Kids On The Block. I can't even front, man. I really watched them on VHS and stuff, I loved watching them get down. Fast forward, we ended up touring with [with NKOTB] in 2009, and it was just a trip because these guys were like a big inspiration, and here I am on tour with them. And I still talk to them to this day -- Donnie Wahlberg, that's my big bro. We got a lot of respect for our elders and for the OGs, that's why I felt like we had some really really big shoes to fill when trying to pay homage to this era.

[octannibal-blake]

sad songs for dirty lovers 1/4

by: bellamysdelinquent rating: mature word count: 15,005 part: 1/4

based on a prompt from @whyclarke from months ago.

special thanks to @pensieve-foryour-thoughts for the awesome advice and edits! 

part i. we have scars to cover

May 2013

When Clarke Griffin imagines how she thought her senior year of high school would go, she didn’t imagine it would begin with a severe back injury and losing her best friend. She didn’t imagine it would be filled with whispers in the hallway about how it was actually her fault, that if she hadn’t gotten shit faced drunk at a party, walked in on her boyfriend with his face between another girl’s legs, and called him to come get her, Wells Jaha would have been alive to walk across the stage and receive his high school diploma. He would be well on his way to Stanford to become the best lawyer in the United States. According to the same whispers in the hallway, she took that all away.

It took her a majority of the year to realize Wells’ death hadn’t been her fault, it was just the wrong place at the wrong time. It took some therapy, some nights spent in the sheets with whoever she could find that was willing (girls, boys, she learned a long time ago she didn’t care), and  even more nights spent curled into her father's side, broken and afraid of the world. But she’s coping, or she’s trying, at least. In the fall she’ll be heading to Northwestern for her freshman year of college and to her, it’s a new beginning. It’s a new life.

Needless to say, the last thing she wants to do is spend her summer with her mother. Abigail Griffin is many things -- renowned surgeon, respected researcher, and benefactor to multiple non-profit organizations (though, Clarke knows this is more for image than for actually caring). Being a good mom? That’s not exactly in the same category. In fact, motherly skills is not something she could put on her list of accomplishments. Her parents divorced when she was ten years old, though it hadn’t come as a surprise. As far as Clarke is concerned, she was raised by her father. Her mom had spent countless hours at work, out of town for research shit and conferences and whatever else she could do to stay busy. Eventually, she decided to stay gone altogether. She moved to Boston, taking some prestigious job in a research center hoping to one day cure paralysis. Clarke and her dad stayed in Arkadia, the small town on the outskirts of Maryland. She had been fine with this arrangement.

But Jake Griffin ensured his daughter maintained some relationship with her mother, whether (it) be agreed visits over breaks or forced phone calls between the two of them to check in. She never liked them much, but it made her dad happy, so she would suffer on his behalf. Which is exactly how she finds herself in this predicament: currently standing in the middle of downtown Boston, lost and sweating her ass off. All because she loves her father.

“You need to get away from here,” he told her late last week, “And I know you’re going to Chicago in the fall, but it’s important for you to spend time with your mom.”

She had all but kicked and screamed to get out of it, though when asked she couldn’t provide any concrete reason not to go. She had learned to hate Arkadia and everyone in it, and she felt Wells’ ghost follow her everywhere she went, like some sort of reminder that she made it and he didn’t so she should be grateful. It’s the worst kind of haunted. She let him convince her, and in a moment of weakness, got on the plane.

She regrets it(coming to Boston), especially now that she’s become lost and is exactly the kind of person to refuse directions from anyone. When she arrived, her mom had been just as awkward as expected, but she has to give her credit for trying. She took the day off to show her around the city, give her a tour of the local hotspots and entertainment within walking distance. It turns out there are a lot of things within walking distance as her mom’s condo is located in the heart of Midtown. She isn’t surprised- Being a doctor means having money. Being a good doctor who is very well-known and respected? It means more having money than absolutely necessary. She can’t complain, she supposes. Her mom is at least paying for college. Some fucked up penance for child support over the years.

Their reunion had been short lived. The day after she arrived, Dr. Griffin had to go back to work and she’s only caught glimpses of her since. It’s been a whole week and she’s already to go the fuck home. She huffs in frustration as she turns the map in her hands again, trying to pinpoint exactly where she is. Realizing she just isn’t cut out for topography, she stuffs the map into her backpack and pulls out her phone, typing the nearest address into Google maps and finding her location. It’s a ten minute walk from the condo to her spot.

She’s making an effort to be active, even when all she wants to do is lie on her mom’s expensive sofa and binge watch Netflix on the big screen. That’s what she had done her first three days alone, wallowing in her own misery and silently cursing her father for putting this on her. But then she realized this is the first time she’s had true freedom and who the hell is she to sit around and waste it?

She checks out some of the local shops and galleries, feeling a particular pull to the small art studios. When she walks in, often times she’s ignored by the owner. They are, no doubt, pegging her to be some disruptive teen pretending to be a know it all for the sake of being pretentious. She feels a particular satisfaction when she asks the artist about their pieces and goes into a deep discussion of the technique and well-meaning behind them. She manages to walk away with invitations to local art shows and even the number of one of the shop owners. His name is Nyko, and she’s almost positive he was hitting on her. She’s also almost positive he’s in his thirties.

She stuffs the phone number into the back pocket of her jeans without a second thought and continues her journey around the city. She doesn’t get far before her stomach begins to growl aggressively. She tries to Google restaurants around the area, but decides instead to try out one of the food trucks parked on the curb. She finds one advertising a messy looking sandwich, filled with cheese and onions and her mouth practically drools. She steps up to the counter and orders. They prepare it fairly quickly and when she steps to the side to enjoy the Boston-take on the Philly Cheese Steak, she notices the looming building across the street.

Architecturally, it’s gorgeous, with ancient brick and large arched glass windows. Engraved at the top is: “Library of the City of Boston Built by the People and Dedicated to the Advancement of Learning”. It reminds her of something out of the Harry Potter books, if only for it’s long descriptive title It could have said Public Library and had the same effect.. She remembers hearing her mom mention the library to her in passing,  saying she would bring her here to show her around and perhaps give her an early start on pre-med books. She had been less than excited about it. But now, as she stands outside without her mom, it actually seems quite interesting.

When walks in, she understands why it has such a fancy title. The inside is something out of a regency period novel, perhaps even something out of a castle in kingdoms long ago. A soft, sand colored marble graces the floors and the walls, shining brightly as though they had just been polished. The ceiling arches over them, engraved with elegant designs and paints. Pillars are placed sporadically through the entrance hall, making it seem more daunting than anything. She runs her hands along the walls, where art flows freely around and up the stairs. She moves between galleries, admiring their respective themes and Googling any piece that seems unfamiliar. She likes knowing artists- It’s kind of her thing.

She isn’t sure how long she spends gazing at all the pieces, recognizing some from her high school art history classes and others from her dad’s old art books. She’s completely zoned out when someone startles her.

“This panel represents epic poetry,” a deep voice says from behind her, “it represents Homer, the author of The Iliad and The Odyssey. They’re crowning him.”

She turns to snap at the person who had taken it upon himself to pretentiously explain the art piece to her, but stops when she sees a nameplate, gold plated and bold name, staring back at her. She pauses, taking a good look at the owner of said nametag and notes he can’t be much older than her. Based on the BU  hoodie he has paired with his well-ironed khakis, he’s a college student. And he works here.

He nods at the painting, “It’s by an artist named ---”

“Puvis de Chavannes,” she finishes for him, “I know.”

It comes out a little sharper than she intends, but he seems not to mind. Instead, he moves to stand next to her and pulls her attention back to the other panels, “So, I’m assuming I don’t need to explain these to you, either?”

He’s looking at her with a crooked smile and renewed interest. He had clearly not been expecting her to know. It isn’t common pop culture knowledge by any means. She takes a good look at him, admiring the freckles that pepper his nose and the way his dark hair is all chaos in curls. When she locks eyes with him, dark, chocolate orbs, gleaming with something that almost looks like excitement. Like he truly enjoys talking about art history. She decides to humor him.

“No,” she says finally, “But I guess it’s your job to explain it to me, so go ahead.”

He laughs, and she finds she likes the way it sounds. It’s deep, rich, and sends a small tingle up her spine.

He then launches into a grandiose explanation of the rest of the panels, talking passionately with his hands about each piece and their historical significance. She finds it’s refreshing to  hear someone talk so passionately about art. She counters him a few times, telling him the correct facts about the artist and their techniques in painting it.  By the end of it she’s almost criticizing the pieces and he immediately becomes offended.

“Back then, this technique was popular!” he says in disbelief, “The lines are beautiful.”

She shrugs, “I don’t know...I just don’t think he captured the true emotion of the time, though.”

Bellamy scoffs, “I don’t think emotion is what he was going for. He was just recording history!”

She can’t hold in her laugh at the way he seems so offended by her opinion and this seems to soften him up a little bit.

She shakes her head at him, “I guess you’re the expert, huh?”

He gives her a mischievous grin before backing away from her slowly. It’s then she notices an abandoned cart full of books a few feet away. He grabs it and pushes it towards her, stopping when he’s next to her again, “I’m just the guy who puts away books.”

She nods, like it was the most obvious thing in the world (even though he had definitely convinced her he was the art guy), “Right. Next time I’ll be sure to find the actual art expert.”

He shrugs his shoulders and begins to push the cart away, but not without the last word, “Well, if you don’t want to be bored to tears, I’m here Monday through Friday...”

“I’ll keep that in mind…” she makes a show of squinting as his nametag, “Bellamy.”

“I’ll be sure to warn the so-called art experts about you…”

“Clarke.” she fills in for him.

“See you around then, Clarke.”

He doesn’t give her a chance to respond before he rolls away, leaving her thinking she might just have to visit the library on a regular basis. For the art, of course.

*

She falls into an easy routine. Her mom shows no signs of slowing down at work and she has eaten dinner more times alone than she would have liked. She can’t help but be a little perturbed by the whole thing. She had come to Boston with relatively low expectations  but even so, she can’t help but feel a twinge of disappointment. To compensate for her mother’s lack of interest in hanging out with her daughter, Clarke has made it a goal to go out and at least try to have fun for the summer. Her dad had sent her here for a reason, whether it be to simply get away from her shit town or for her to find some way to fully heal and move on with her life. Somehow, she knows it was probably for both of those reasons.

Her routine begins with a morning walk around the neighborhood; she stops at the bakery to grab a cup of coffee and continues walking, mostly to people watch. She finds it  quite entertaining. Post cup of coffee, she’ll walk to the park and sketch. Drawing has always been her best outlet, the thing to keep her sane even when she felt the furthest thing from it. Over the months, she’s filled more sketchpads than ever in her entire life and though it didn’t cure her, it definitely helped. Her mom calls it a hobby, but it’s always felt like more than that. She gets lost and pours her soul into it.

Sketching will keep her busy until the afternoon at least. She’ll walk home, grab some food, and shower. Then, she’ll make her way back to the library to simply read. Something about it makes her feels safe. It gives her something to pass the time and their collection of old literature piled with old biology and anatomy records is quite interesting. Admittedly, during the hours she spends there, she checks out the book cart guy, Bellamy, while she’s there. She doesn’t see him everyday but when she does, it’s usually when he passes by her table, a squeaking cart in tow, and he comments on something she’s reading or offers a fun fact about one of the million art pieces located around the gallery. They’ll talk briefly and then he’ll bid her goodbye and move right on along.

When she talks to her friend, Raven, she can practically hear the girl roll her eyes through the phone, “Jesus, you would be the one to do some weird, artsy flirting with a librarian.”

Raven is a spitfire, part of what draws Clarke to her. She had been devastated to find out her boyfriend had been dating someone else at the same time (though, Clarke was the actual side chick), but it led her to Raven Reyes and she is actually pretty fucking grateful for that.

“I didn’t come all the way here to date,” she argued, “I’m not emotionally ready for that.”

“Well, at least make some friends while you’re there. You could use them.” Always count on Raven to put things in blunt perspective. It’s a blessing and a curse.

She isn’t sure how to make friends. Right now, Bellamy is the closes thing she has and she has no idea how to push that mere acquaintanceship into friend territory. Does she ask him to hang out? It seems like that could easily be misconstrued into a date, which is definitely not what she wants to happen. Though, she could probably make it clear that she only wants to be friends. She’s never been good at this stuff. Wells was always the more popular one of the two of them. She had just always been part of the deal with him.She doesn’t have to overthink it much more because as luck would have it, Bellamy makes the first effort.

She’s buried deep into an old anatomy book when she hears him clear his throat,“You do realize it's nine p.m on a Friday night and you're sitting in a library?”

She looks up from her book to find him leaning against her table, collar of his library issued polo unbuttoned and name tag missing. Off the clock, she assumes.

“I suppose there are better things to do?” she crosses her hands over the book she had been engrossed in and smiles sarcastically. There are probably a million things she could do that would be more appeasing than reading books about the human body, but going home to an empty house is not one of those. She doesn’t do well with silence and emptiness. That’s when her thoughts become the loudest.

He shrugs and shoves his hands into his pockets, “Probably. I was about to meet some friends for a drink.”

She leans back and shuts the book with an aggressive thud before grabbing her bag off the back of her chair, “A nerd like you has friends? I figured you spent your free time talking to yourself about all the inaccuracies of the Hercules cartoon.”

He laughs at her dig, “I save that for weekdays.”

“Mmm, of course.”

She slings the bag over her shoulders and stands there awkwardly, fiddling with the straps. She wonders if he is actually trying to ask her to come out with him or if he’s just telling her his plans for the night. When the pause becomes a bit too overwhelming, she starts for the door.

“You in?” he asks, falling into step behind her.

She skids to a halt, her Keds making an uncomfortable screech against the polished marble. He stops too, eyebrow quirked, “Or not?”

She considers him for a moment. She's known him for a solid two weeks now. Granted, their relationship extends as far as first name basis and artistic opinions. But, it’s not like she has any other options available. It beats spending all night in an old ass library  (even if it is beautiful).

“Sounds great,” she finally answers. Raven would definitely tell her to go. Plus, she wants something to occupy here time. It’ll be good for her, too, to put herself out there. He’s fairly cute. Win-win.

She follows him out of the library, where he immediately untucks his shirt and runs a hand through his hair, pushing the curls into their natural chaotic look. All professionalism vanished from sight. The disheveled look works for him, she decides.

“So,” he says as they fall into step together, “What's your story?”

She tries to hide how uncomfortable that question makes her. She’s never been one to talk about herself, but now it’s become especially difficult. She decides to take a more sarcastic route.

“Oh, you want my biography?”

He shrugs, “Just the basics. So I know you aren't plotting to kill me or something.”

“Says the guy who lured me out of the library after dark,” she counters.

He doesn't respond and she takes that to mean he's waiting for an answer. She decides he probably isn’t a serial killer. Mostly because she just doesn’t get that vibe from him and she thinks she has a good judge of character. Plus, they’re on a well lit street so if he tries something, she should be able to escape pretty easily. She has a mace.

“Visiting for the summer,” she tells him finally, “Divorced parents. Different cities. Nothing crazy.”

“So that explains why you hang it out in a library for fun.”

“It's close and free.”

“Fair enough,” he concedes. She takes it as her opportunity to question him.

“And you?” she probes, desperate to take the attention off her, but also curious to learn about the mysterious librarian once he’s no longer in the library.

He seems to think about his answer carefully, “I live here full time. I go to BU. The library is a summer gig. My professor hooked me up.”

So he’s a student. It makes sense; It explains all the random history knowledge he seems to have stored in his brain and also the fact that he actually seems to enjoy working in the library. She doesn’t know many people this age who would find joy working in a place like that (though, she is part of the minority along with him.).

“Let me guess,” she taps her chin with her finger, “History major?”

Predictable.

He feigns shock at her assumption, “How did you know?”

She laughs and finds herself feeling more comfortable around him. He’s a bit intimidating, with his sharp wit and rugged good looks. She had planned to just admire him from a distance, which definitely sounds creepy but it isn’t. She figured he’d remain an anomaly she told Raven about -- just the cute guy in the library.  She hadn't thought they’d actually speak. She definitely expect him to ask her out, or well, whatever it is they’re doing.

“How about you?” he breaks her from her thoughts, “What's your major?”

She almost tells him she hasn't declared since she's only just starting. But then she doesn't because he's taking her out to, presumably, a bar and her ID says that she’s 21. Not that she has any interest in drinking, but she also doesn’t want miss out on this opportunity. This trip is about expanding comfort zones and putting herself back out there, at least, that’s what Raven told her to use it for.

“Pre-med,” is what she finally settles on. He lets out a low whistle.

“That explains all the anatomy books you've been checking out,” he says passively and she stops again, narrowing her eyes at him.

“Have you been stalking my check out record?”

He turns to face her, “Someone’s flattering themselves. You realize I can see what you’re reading when I pass by your table.”

“So you’re just creepy from afar then?”

“I think you’re projecting,” he scoffs, “Don’t act like you had any intention of coming back there until I so eloquently explained those art pieces to you.”

She finds herself having to bite back a smile, their banter coming quick and naturally. She’s already having fun, “I’m not the one that goes out of the way to walk by your table.”

He laughs at that, holding his hands up in surrender, “Fine. You caught me. I was trying to be smooth.”

“And why is that?”

He stops them in front of, what she can only presume to be, the bar they’re meeting his friends at. It’s got an old-time feel to it, with a sign hanging above a chipping wooden door. She can faintly hear music thumping from behind it.

“Cute girl who knows history?” he offers and this time she doesn’t bother to hold back her smile.

He doesn't give her a chance to respond and she's somewhat thankful because she isn't sure what to say. He pulls open the door and gestures for her to enter first. She mumbles a quick thank you.

The bar turns out to be an old pub. The Ark, it's called. It's cozy, reminiscent of the ones you'd see on a modern sitcom. Full of hipsters and draft beer choices. Every day of the week holding a special event: Trivia on Wednesdays, Karaoke on Thursdays and Fridays,live music on Saturdays. She can't say she's surprised.

She follows him over to a booth in the back where he is greeted warmly by a group of people, who are seemingly already a bit tipsy.

“Everyone, this is Clarke,” he announces, “She was reading biology books in the library for fun.”

“Anatomy,” she corrects without thinking. Her cheeks grow red when she does. Smooth.

She's met by choruses of ‘Hi Clarke!’ and ‘We love nerds.” which makes her feel slightly better about the whole thing. He pulls up a couple of chairs from a nearby table and she plops down next to him. She’s trying not to be awkward, but damn if it doesn’t come naturally. She pulls her phone from her back pocket and shoots a quick text to Raven.

Clarke: “I’m socializing. You should be proud of me.”

Raven: “Bloom, my beautiful flower”.

She giggles and stuffs her phone into her backpack. She wouldn’t say she’s an introvert by any means, but meeting new people has always been an awkward experience for her. She never really knows how to start. Luckily, Bellamy seems to sense her discomfort and introduces them one by one.

“That’s Miller,” he points at a scruffy guy currently sporting a beanie despite it being summer, “My roommate and a total dick.”

The guy, Miller, glares at his friend before extending a hand, “Nice to meet you. Also, he’s projecting his own insecurities onto me. He is the actual dick in the relationship.”

She smiles at that. The others get similar introductions: Harper, the peppy blonde, Gina, the kick ass bartender, Murphy, the kindest asshole she’ll ever meet, and Emori, the asshole’s equally asshole-y girlfriend (in a loving way).

“Bellamy, do you have a radar for finding lost souls?” Harper nudges him on the shoulder playfully.

“You know, I’d be careful,” Murphy comments, “With the way you target young, attractive, lonely people, you might start coming off like a serial killer.”

She decides to give the whole being friendly thing a go. She pipes in, “I definitely got serial killer vibes.”

Bellamy gives her a faux wounded look while the others laugh, “Don’t feed into it!”

She smirks back but finds herself questioning, “Does this happen often?”

“God, yes,” Miller groans. And that’s how they spend the next hour, trading each other’s stories about how they met Bellamy. Miller is the original friend (or OF as he calls it), having been friends with him since high school. They met after Miller had been subject to severe bullying when other kids found out he was into guys.

“Talk about fragile masculinity,” Miller rolls his eyes as he recounts the story, “Anyways, Bellamy here so valiantly defended my honor and punched one of the guys on the football team for using some pretty nasty slurs.”

“We spent the rest of high school as the mystery couple,” Bellamy confirms, “Some people figured he was my boyfriend and that’s why I got mad.”

“Best fake boyfriend ever,” Miller tilts his beer into the air and takes a long sip. Gina goes next, explaining that she had come to this bar, to drink her pain away after suffering a pretty nasty breakup. Bellamy forced her to sing karaoke and made sure she got home safely. They ended up dating for almost a month before both realized the romantic chemistry wasn’t there and stayed friends.

“You’re not a good real boyfriend,” Gina pats him on the shoulder, “But you’ll make a good mom.”

“Mother hen, Bellamy,” Murphy agrees, and launches into his hilariously unexciting story about how he had been the brooding freshman in their biology lab and after a long and painful semester of being forced to work together, Bellamy had ensured that Murphy passed Biology with flying colors. Though Murphy does seem to be the most cynical of the group, he does seem appreciative of his friend.

Harper is the last to go, “This is going to sound like some bad college PSA, but I got drunk at a frat party and I guess some douche tried to slip something in my drink while I wasn’t looking. I’m sure you can guess what happened.”

“He saved the day?” she asks, watching Bellamy with curiosity. His cheeks are glowing red, seemingly embarrassed by the sudden revelation of all the good deeds he’s ever done.

“He saved the fucking day,” Harper confirms, “Launched the guy right out of his own Frat house and called me an Uber to get back to the dorm.”

“So, what I’m hearing is that you have a savior complex?” she concludes. He chugs at least half of his beer he had poured from the table’s pitcher, smacking his lips at the end.

“Sure,” he responds shortly, and she watches something like annoyance pass through his eyes. Before she can think further into it, Miller seems to notice the slight exchange and changes the subject.

“So, you read anatomy books for fun?” The conversation flows easily after that, and she realizes this is the first time she’s truly had fun in a while.

“I had just watched Mary Poppins for the first time!” she’s defending herself, hours later, and the group laughs at her sheer idiocy. By the end of it, she nearly forgets they had all been strangers when she walks through the doors. She thinks making friends may not be a lost cause after all.

“Can we keep her?” Gina asks Bellamy as they all pack up to leave for the night. She pretends not to hear, fiddling with her backpack like she’s searching for something.

She has to keep herself from grinning when she hears his response.

“Definitely.”

*

“We’re going out for Gina’s birthday tonight.”

She is currently helping Bellamy sift through the return cart, reshelving the books in their appropriate sections. They have been working diligently for the last couple of hours and the cart seems to finally dwindling down. Over the last couple weeks, since Bellamy took her to meet his friends, they’ve managed to make a smooth transition into friendly territory. When she stopped by the library the next day, he sat with her on his break and they bickered over the value of reading medical books from the 1940s when medicine has made such big strides since then.

After that, it sort of became a part of the day.. He’d come over for breaks and they would chat, sometimes about the weather and other times about the meaning of life (he had been skimming the philosophy section on those particular days). She preferred keeping conversations light, away from personal territory.  The closest they had gotten is when they were in the theatre section placing the mere two returns for it, she mentioned that her ex-girlfriend’s favorite play had been Othello.

“I’m bi,” she had essentially word vomited, though he hadn’t even asked. He hadn’t even hinted at wanting to know her sexuality but she threw it at him anyways.

“Sorry,” she apologized, blush creeping into skin, “You didn’t ask.”

She expected him to just shrug it off and go on with the day. She had been surprised when he had offered a sympathetic smile and told her very nonchalantly that he also identifies as bi.

“You know, in case you ever wanna talk about,” he added. It’s not much in the way of revealing deeply personal things, but it makes her acutely aware that she’s struggling to keep him at arm's reach. That feeling bubbles up on occasion and when she’d begin to feel as if the conversation was turning too serious, too personal, she’d excused herself to the restroom or rapidly direct them back into the safe zone.

It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that she had offered to help with his work. He had passed by to let her know he was going to work through his break, a very cluttered cart being pulled behind him. He looked like he had been hard at work, his cheeks flush and curls sticking to the sweat beading on his forehead. She isn’t sure what possessed her to offer, but she shut her own book and followed him into the stacks to ask for the rundown on how to shelve them.

“You don’t have to help me with my job, Clarke,” was his first response, but she had shushed him and repeated her questions. With a defeated sigh, he reluctantly explained the catalog system and the shelving etiquette.

She’s currently shoving three copies of Fifty Shades of Grey onto the shelf with a smidge of aggressiveness.

“Can you believe people really read this shit?” she muses aloud, completely missing his previous statement. She likes erotica as much as the next person but that? (It’s )A monstrosity.

“Believe it or not, some people don’t care to read academically all the time,” he jokes and she gives him the finger in return.

“I was reading a regular book, earlier,” she argues and he rolls his eyes, pushing another book onto the shelf.

“I would consider trying to read any part of Infinite Jest academic reading as well.”

“There’s just no winning with you is there?”

“Nope,” he pops his lips dramatically on the word, “But as I was saying, you should come out with everyone tonight.”

She’s been out with the group a handful of times now. She was given a trial run on the trivia team, and as luck would have it, they scored first thanks to her unmatched knowledge on the human body. They had quickly extended a permanent invite to their savior. She accompanied Bellamy from the library to their usual weekend outings, whether it be to a movie or to the Ark just to hang out. She fits in well with them. Even Harper has made an effort to hang out with her, solo. They exchanged numbers and have gotten coffee a couple of times, Harper joining her on her morning walks. She finds that she really likes the girl, her positivity a much needed change in her life.She really is trying.

“Oh, should I?” she responds with a quirked eyebrow.

“I’m sure you have better things to do,” he says sarcastically. Of course, he knows she doesn’t. Hell, she’s made it pretty damn obvious by the amount of time she chooses to spend with him at the library. She even volunteered to help him work.

“I might,” she twists one of her blonde curls idly between her fingers, looking at him innocently enough.

He rolls his eyes, “Well, when you inevitably get bored doing whatever it is, you can meet me here at ten. Wear something nice.”

She doesn’t respond but he seems okay with that. They continue placing books side by side and she decides to take off once they finish. She begins to feel the familiar dull ache of her back and knows she should go home and take a hot bath and rest. Just as she’s pushing the door open, she hears him call behind her.

“See you at ten!”

*

She shows up at 945. She’s sitting on the stairs when he walks out, running a hand through his curls, no doubt to recreate the messy bed head look he’s learned to perfect. When he sees her, he shakes his ruefully.

“Shut up,” she grumbles before standing up. She swears she sees his eyes slide down her body, but he turns away quickly to cover it up. In his defense, she does look good. She hadn’t been intending to dress to the nines, but when she had called Raven for advice she had been fully advocating for the tightest pair of jeans she owns and the most revealing top. She settled somewhere in the middle, going for the jeans, but opting for a loose fitting, off the-shoulder blouse.  

“Finished the all important task you were doing then?” He says instead as they descend the stairs on their way to...wherever the hell they’re going. She assumes it's not to the usual bar. He would have never told her to dress her up. She’s certain she’s seen people dressed in pajamas sitting at the bar which she is totally fan of.

“Yeah, I managed to pencil this into my busy schedule.”

“Oh, I'm so glad you made time for us peasants, Princess,” he tells her sarcastically  and she shoves him playfully on the shoulder. Another new element to their relationship -- playful touches.

“I try to be kind royalty,” she smiles before changing the subject, “So where are you dragging me, anyways?”

He scoffs, “Dragging, is that what I'm doing?”

She gives him a pointed stare.

“Gina likes going to more...I don't know how to describe it. Club-y type places?” his voice rises at the end.

“Like the ones with the obnoxious music and douchebags wearing polos?”

He snaps his fingers, “Those are the one.”

Her mouth twitches, “I guess you'll fit right in.”

It takes her statement a moment to catch and then he realizes that he is, in fact, wearing a polo. And khakis.

“Miller is bringing me an extra shirt, thank you very much.”

They arrive at a place called Ground Bar. She can hear the music as they approach the doors, the windows vibrating with every bass drop. She can say, for certain, she’s never been to this kind of place before. She assumes it’s the sort place exclusive to big cities, not towns like Arkadia. The closest thing she had come to had been her Junior Prom.

“Oh this kind of music,” she remarks. She doesn't hate EDM.  She has a few songs on her jogging playlist. But she can practically feel the migraine coming on. It’s then she realizes she has no idea how to do this.

“Yeah,” he agrees to her insinuation before pulling out his wallet, “Ready to sweat your ass off and pay ridiculous drink prices?”

As if to answer, she pulls her shirt down a little further, revealing a small bit of her cleavage, “I’m ready to make other people pay ridiculous drink prices, if that's what you mean.”

She watches him try to avoid looking, though she can tell he wants to. Maybe she's teasing him a little bit, but it's fun. Just fun.

“That's not fair,” he mutters.

When they enter the club, they manage to spot their group of friends crowded around one of the standing tables, clinking glasses and shouting into the void.

“You made it!” Gina yells, clearly already having had a couple of drinks. She throws her arms around Bellamy, planting a sloppy kiss on his cheek.

He doesn't seemed fazed by it, instead laughing and turning to the rest of the group, “Really? You started her off with tequila?”

Gina turns to her and throws her arms around her neck, causing her to stumble back slightly. She slurs something about being happy she made it and she can’t help but smile back, feeling genuinely complimented that the girl actually wanted her to be a part of it.

“Happy birthday!” she yells over the thumping music.

Clarke settles in next to Harper, who is still mostly sober. The blonde greets her with an enthusiastic half-hug, “You look great!”

She tugs on her hair self-consciously, the curls already beginning to frizz in the humidity of the bar. She had put a little product in it, in the hopes it would stay relatively tame. She can tell it was a failed attempt. She returns Harper’s compliments, commenting on the dress she picked out. It’s a tight fitting black dress that reaches to mid-thigh and hugs her fit figure in all the right spots. She’s paired it with a pair of blue heels and she tosses her long, blonde hair over her shoulder to model for her. She laughs at the girls antics before turning her attention back to the table. Somewhere in the midst of their greetings, he’s managed to change into a more comfortable looking t-shirt. It’s just a simple dark blue shirt, but it compliments him.

He sneaks off to the bar and she listens intently as Gina starts rambling on about the asshole she had been seeing that won’t call her back.

“I’m a great catch,” she slurs, leaning into Miller’s shoulder.

“Yes, you are.” he reassures with a pat on her shoulder.

“Maybe...” Gina’s voice lowers as she pulls her head in towards the group, “Maybe I’m an awful hookup.”

The group attempts to soothe her, even Emori offering a half-hearted, “No, I’m sure you’re great.”

When Bellamy makes his way back to the table, sipping from his overflowing beer, she proceeds to bombard him.

“Be honest!” Gina jabs his chest with her index finger, “Was I bad in bed?”

Clarke finds herself having to purse her lips to suppress a laugh. He looks completely blindsided by the question. More than that, very much unsure of how to answer. His gaze finds hers and she jerks her head towards Gina. The girl is waiting for an answer.

“No!” and she has to give him credit, whether he believes she is or not, his answer seems to brighten her up.

“It’s him then,” she concludes, smacking her palm on the table and rattling their drinks, “He did weird things with his tongue.”

“That’s why girls are better,” Harper offers and Clarke can’t help but high five her on that one. In her experience, girls are more self-aware of what they’re doing. And more apt to take direction.

This launches everyone into the great debate and Harper announces she needs a drink. Clarke decides to follow her to the bar, if only to get away from the drunken attempt at figuring out who’s better at sex. In all honesty, she’s a firm believer that gender has nothing to do with sexual prowess. It’s definitely based on the person, at least, that’s been her experience.

Harper takes her hand and guides her through the crowd and she finds herself having to squeeze in between bodies and having to take a couple of elbows to the boob in the process. Somehow they manage to squeeze into an open spot at the bar and Harper flags down the bartender. She orders a gin and tonic before turning to her.

“Clarke!” she yells to get her attention, “What do you want?”

This is where she didn’t think it through. She doesn’t drink. Not anymore. The whole idea of it makes her sick to her stomach, no doubt residual guilt eating away at her when she even contemplates picking up a drink. Every time she’s gone out with them, thus far, she’s ordered her own drinks at the bar. Usually a coke or a red bull. People just assume they’re alcoholic and she doesn’t feel like correcting them. As for now, she could just order a coke. She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. But instead she decides to take the safer route, the one that won’t end in a potential interrogation.

“Bourbon and coke,” she announces. From behind Harper, she watches a greasy looking man admires her ass as she leans over the bar and then turns his eyes on her. He’s definitely older than them, probably in his forties. His beard is hinting at gray and he’s wearing an excessive amount of hairgel, something people her age have learned not to do.

“15 dollars, ladies!” the bartender hollers. Clarke makes a show of beginning to dig in her small purse for cash and she feels a rough hand touch her wrist.

“I got it, sweetie,” he says and tells the bartender to put it on his tab. She tries to keep her eye rolling at a minimal and instead offers as sweet a smile as she can give.

“Thanks!” she grabs Harper’s free wrist and drags her away before the creep can try to latch onto them.

It still amazes her how there still seems to be the assumption that if you buy a girl a drink, she’s suddenly in debt to you. Maybe he’ll learn his lesson. At least they got a free drink out of it.

“Was it free?” Bellamy asks when she moves into the spot next to him. She slides the drink to him and he gives her a confused look.

“Free for me, free for you,” she offers without explanation, “Bourbon and coke.”

She sees something pass across his face briefly, but she isn’t quite sure how to place it. Morbid curiosity? Gratitude?.

“You trying to get me drunk?” he has a charm about him, she can admit. The way he carries himself confidently but self-aware. He knows he’s good looking and he knows how to use it. She can’t complain.

They’re teetering into flirtatious territory and she feels herself going along with it, moving a bit closer to him and placing a light hand on his arm, “Definitely.”

She isn’t opposed to flirting with him. In fact, she’s opened up that gate multiple times. There’s just something about him that continues to draw her in without notice. It’s like she tries to remain friendly and distant, but he’s determined to make it as difficult as possible, though she isn’t sure he’s even aware he’s doing it. Based on all his interactions, he’s just a friendly guy. He’s affectionate with all of his friends, constantly teasing them and it could easily be misconstrued as flirting. Maybe that’s what’s happening here?

Their moment is short lived. Gina manages to nearly yank her shoulder out of socket trying to drag her to the dance floor. She practically orders everyone else to follow suit. Bellamy and Miller are the only exceptions, expressing just how vehemently against dancing they are. They prefer to watch the poor souls who don’t have rhythm make fools of themselves.

Clarke has nothing against dancing. She’s always enjoys it when she gets the chance to do it. She doesn’t make a big show, just sways her hips with the music and follows the rhythm. She actually enjoys the song that’s playing so falling into the movement isn’t too difficult. The lights  are overwhelming, a kaleidoscope of colors surrounding them, but once she’s used to them she finds that likes them.

It doesn’t take long for Harper find someone to make out with. She moves into the crowd and Clarke does her best to keep at least a idea of her whereabouts. She’s watched too many true crime series to just let someone fade into the background without ensuring they’re safe. She and Gina are dancing with each other, though Gina is very much outdoing her, tossing her hair and twirling despite her balance being something close to awful. Emori and Murphy are dancing closely next to them, zoned in on one another like the rest of the floor doesn’t exist. The beat begins to pick up and she’s having fun throwing herself into the music until she feels hands grip at her hips.

She whips around to find the guy from the bar grinning at her lecherously. Her stomach takes a sharp turn.  She tries to move away subtly, turning to face him and backing into Gina. She gives him her best smile, like she hadn’t just rejected him but he seems determined. He places his hands on her hips again and pulls her towards him, grinding his pelvis into her. The whole thing feels dirty and strange. She’s done her fair share of bumping and grinding, but usually the consensual kind.This just feels forced and all around terrible.

She places her hand on his chest and pushes back and it’s then that he seems to register that she doesn’t actually want to dance with him. He puts his mouth to her ear, “You let me buy you a drink.”

She pulls back and has to fight the urge to knee him in the balls. She leans towards him, “You offered, I don’t owe you anything.”

He wraps an arm around her waist, the direct opposite of what she was trying to tell him. Gina seems to come to her senses, though she’s a little too tipsy to offer any sort of support. She gets credit for trying.

“She said back off, dude!” she yells, trying to pull Clarke away from him. It doesn’t do anything besides make him more irritated.

“No one asked you,” he yells at her before waving her off like a fly. To Clarke’s surprise, Gina just takes a step back before disappearing in the crowd. She tries to locate Murphy and Emori, but they seemed to have disappeared at some point. Trying to decide what next steps to take, she concludes that he is actual trash and being polite isn’t going to make him let go. So, she rationalizes her next move and as she leans into him and he gives her a sickening smile, she rears her knee back and gets him squarely in the dick. He let’s go immediately.

He bends over in front of her with a yelp and she places a hand on his shoulder before leaning down to get on his level yelling over the music, “Word of advice: when a someone says no, you fucking listen!”

Feeling satisfied with her work, she gives him a small push and he leaves the crowd with his tail tucked between his legs. When she turns around, she finds Bellamy watching her carefully.

He manages to snap his mouth shut and give her grin, “Gina said some guy was being a dick.”

She nods in understanding. She went for help. She gives the girl her credit back, glad that she hadn’t actually left her in the dust.

She lifts her chin, “I can handle myself.”

That only causes his smile to widen, “Clearly.”

She stands there awkwardly for a moment, trying to shrug off the whole incident. A new song has begun and it’s a slower. Seductive almost. Almost instinctively, she begins moving to beat again. She kinks her eyebrow, daring him to join her. She expects him to shake his head and walk away, but as she moves her hips from side to side, she notices the way his eyes darken ever so slightly and he begins to move with her.

Instinctively, she moves in closer to him. It makes her feel a little more comfortable and she expects that no one else will attempt to dance with her, at the least. He seems hesitant at first, his hand only grazing her side. She feels like she’s in a trance. They’re watching each other intently, and she grabs his hand to place it firmly on her hip. Permission granted.

She leans in with a coy smile, “I thought you didn’t dance?”

He places a finger to his lips, “Don’t ruin this once in lifetime opportunity.”

He places his other hand on her and he’s holding her as she moves, letting himself follow her lead. It feels vastly different from her previous encounter. It’s tentative, but they gravitate towards one another. Her hand slides onto his neck, playing with the hairs at the nape and his arm slips around her waist. They press into each other, hips meeting and chests flush together. She’s feeling warm, all of a sudden, heat flooding her cheeks and her stomach. She doesn’t know when the last time she had been this close to someone. But what she does know is that this, the way he’s moving with her and watching her likes she’s something special, is something she doesn’t want to end.

As if thinking the same thing, he leans his forehead onto hers and their breaths mingle with the heat of the dance floor. She licks her lips in anticipation. There is only a second of hesitation as the song begins to fade into something new before he closes the short distance between them and presses his lips against hers. It’s chaste at first, just lips on lips but she tilts her head slightly and when he runs his tongue teasingly at the seam of her lips, she quickly grants him access.

He’s a good kisser, is the first thing that she registers. She gets lost in him almost immediately, the rest of the world completely drowned out, her own racing thoughts silenced. They’re testing the waters, teasing tongues and soft touches. They could be there for moments or hours, she isn’t sure but when they break apart, suddenly everything is too loud.

.

“I need some air,” she breathes and pulls away, trying to make her way from the crowd. Her heart is beginning to race and she feels herself beginning to panic. Her chest is vibrating under the bass and her head feels like it’s pounding. She forces her way out the door, taking a deep breath of fresh air.

Damn, he’s a good kisser.

Her head is a flurry of thoughts, wanting more but also wary of what it means. She leans against the brick building and closes her eyes, trying to ground herself. The air isn’t cool by any means, but there’s a light breeze that’s helping the fire burn low on her cheeks. She’s hears approaching footsteps and doesn’t even open her eyes to see who they belong to. She knows. And she isn’t surprised one bit.

He leans against the wall next to her, shoving his hands in his pocket and just gazing into the parking lot. They stand in silence, both taking in the meaning of the moment on the dance floor. What does it mean, if anything? Where do they go from here?

“Did I fuck up?” he asks finally, his voice low and contemplative.

“No!” she says immediately, her cheeks flaring once again in embarrassment, “You didn't do anything wrong. It was nice…”

Nice is an understatement. It was amazing. Mind-numbing, even. She can’t remember the last time her mind had ever been that quiet, That focused.

“But?” he can already tell there’s more to the statement. There is a but. A very big but. How does she explain it without going into her history? She’s not ready to reveal that part of herself to him, after all, they're nothing but strangers. Intimate strangers.

“I leave for Chicago in August,” she settles, revealing the least personal of reasons why kissing him was a bad idea, “I...I can’t commit to anything.”

He finally looks at her, shaking his head with a grimace, “It was a kiss, Clarke.”

She doesn’t say anything so he continues, turning his body towards her and relaxing against the wall, “I’m not asking for anything. I like you and it can mean whatever you want it to mean.”

What does she want it to mean? She likes him too, she knows that. But can it really be that simple? Like a friends with benefits type thing? They’re hardly friends. But maybe that’s what makes it a good thing.

“How can you like me? You barely know me...”

“Maybe so. Does it matter?”

She thinks about it carefully. If she had any interest in dating him, maybe it would. She'd want him to know everything about her -- her birthday, her history. She’d tell him about Wells. She'd want him to know the finer details. But she can't date him. She has three months in the city and then they're both on were their respective lives. Yet he’s making her an offer-they can just do what they want to do, summer fling. She always thought those were movie cliches but it doesn’t sound like a terrible idea. They’re pretty much together all the time, anyways.

“I guess it doesn't,” is her final answer.

“I know you’re smart, you’re kind of funny, and tough as nails,” he lists them off like they’re no big deal. Like he wasn't complimenting the hell out of her. She realizes that nothing really has to change from what they’re already doing. They had been flirting since they met.

“Kind of funny?” she raises an eyebrow and she swears she sees his shoulders sag in relief. He seems to understand that it’s her way accepting his offer...or whatever it is.

“You’re hot, so it makes up for the lack of humor,” he deadpans and she pinches his arm. He gives her another smile and she decides to go for it. What does she have to lose?

“So, what happens now?” she asks, inching closer to him, lips curving upwards as she grazes her fingers against his arm.

He offers a shy laugh, bringing his hand to the curve of her hip, “Well, for starters, if I kiss you again, are you going to run away?”

She smiles then, “No.”

“Good,” he replies, a slides his other hand onto her cheek and pulls her forward. Their lips are inches apart, “I like kissing you.”

She doesn’t respond, just closes the distance between them. The world goes silent again, her mind a comfortable quiet she could find solace in. It’s the happiest she’s felt in months.

June 2013

Two things change after Gina’s birthday. The first being that she now has everyone’s number and has been added to every chat group known to man. And they talk a lot. It's endearing but also annoying as her phone is constantly buzzing with activity.  The second being that her and Bellamy are friends who make out on occasion. Or all the time. That’s a better description.

She continues to see him in the library and they put away books together, talking about  anything they can, usually keeping the topic neutral and not very personal. She had told him that after a particularly intense make-out session outside of the Ark and he had been cool with it. The less they know about each other, the more casual they can keep it.

They talk about Harper’s currently dating crisis -- apparently the girl from the bar (Roma was her name) is extremely into her and really wants to date her, but Harper also really wanted to play the field this summer. They also talk about school, he tells her about some of his classes and his aspirations. Nothing out of the ordinary for friends. Perfectly comfortable.

At first, she had been wary on how to act with him while they were around his friends, seemingly not wanting to give the wrong impression.They’re all cool and don’t seem like the judgmental type, but she still hadn't been sure.  Bellamy took the reigns on that one after particularly intense game of darts with Emori and Murphy, he snatched her into a victory kiss and  no one cared. They seemed pretty unsurprised by it, in fact. She figures they know Bellamy well enough to know that relationships aren’t his thing, after all they’ve talked about it quite a bit. His longest relationship had been with a girl named Echo and that lasted about three months before he decided it wasn’t for him.

“Maybe I’m just picky,” he defended himself, but everyone chided him on his inability to connect emotionally. It’s somewhat of a relief to know that about him and it’s perhaps why he so willingly agreed to remain as distant as possible. She can’t complain, it makes staying unattached pretty simple.

“Do you know who Two Door Cinema Club is?” he asks her one day as they lounge in one of the book stacks of the library. They’re taking a well deserved break after shelving a large amount of encyclopedias and she has her head resting on his thigh, thumbing through one of the 1940 editions. He’s currently tracing idle circles into her scalp.

“Sure,” she tells him. Wells had always been her musically inclined friend, introducing her to bands and insisting she listen. They had been one of the few groups/bands she found herself actually enjoying.

“I have tickets to their concert tonight,” he tells her and she doesn’t think much of it. Maybe he’s trying to brag. He likes to do that, she’s learned. He plays the cocky asshole well.

“That’s cool.”

“Miller was supposed to come with me,” he continues, “But he went home.”

Miller’s family lives in Amherst, the most boring town in the world according to Bellamy, but she’s noticed he seems to be a bit dramatic.

“Everything okay?” she asks. She imagines he wouldn’t ditch without good reason. If there’s anything she’s learned about Miller it’s that he’s reliable.

“His dog is sick. He’s old,  so you know...”

If she remembers correctly, his dog had been his screensaver on his phone and he had drunkenly told her all about him. His name is Ammo and he’s pretty fucking cute. It’s also adorable how much Miller cares about him. He’d had him since he was a kid.

“Poor guy.”

Bellamy hums and pulls his clipboard over to idly scratch out the returns he’s shelved, “What I’m trying to say is, I have an extra ticket if you’re interested.”

Oh. It sounds vaguely like a date. Her heart thumps aggressively against her ribcage at the thought.

“It’s not a date,” he seems to read her mind, “It’s just convenient that you like them and I have a ticket already paid for.”

“And you want to go with me?” she wishes she weren’t so self-deprecating.  It shouldn’t come as a surprise. It’s very obvious now that he enjoys her company, and only partially because she’s a good kisser. Or so she assumes. She’s never had anyone else tell her otherwise.

“You were definitely my last choice.”

“Well, in that case,” she leans up to give him a pointed stare, “I’d hate for you to have to go alone. Knowing you, you’d probably find some unsuspecting introvert to prey on.”

The venue isn’t far from Midtown, so they make plans to meet at her mom’s place. She gives him the address and she watches his eyebrows shoot into his hairline.

“You're kidding,” he deadpans and she sighs, praying that he’s not another person who will decide to judge her based on wealth.

“We can leave around 6:30,” is all she responds.

“Damn,” he whistles when he shows up at the apartment, “You weren’t kidding.”

He’s fiddling with one of her mom’s weird fake plants while she slips on her shoes.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s amazing,” she practically shoves him out the door, not wanting him to spend too much time going over the historical artifacts lying around the apartment. She’s also not a fan of showing off money, which her mom’s apartment does quite a bit. It’s Not her thing.

They make it to the venue about thirty minutes before the concert, thanks to a very new Uber driver taking the wrong route and getting them lost. She thinks it’s funny, but doesn’t mind when the driver tells them to forget the payment and drives off.

“I’m not really big into standing at the front anyways,” Bellamy says when they walk inside to see a fairly decent crowd smashed against the stage.

“Me either,” she agrees, “Grab a drink and hang in the back?”

“You’re speaking my language.”

That’s how they spend the entire concert, leaning against a table and nodding along to the music. She dances a little, enjoying the infectious rhythm of their songs. When they play her favorite song, Sun, she can’t help but join into the jumping and maybe one or two hair whip’s makes it out. She wore her hair down for a reason.

He watches her amused, though makes no effort to join in. He did tell her the dancing was a rare thing for him. It’s fine, she enjoys dancing alone anyways.

When he steps away to grab a drink during a small break, the band has an issue with an instrument and arere in the process of tuning their back up. She’s fairly engrossed in watching them until she turns to make a comment to Bellamy and realizes he hasn’t come back. When she turns towards the bar, she sees him engaged in conversation with a tall brunette who’s putting on all the stops. She throws her head back with a laugh, looking like she belongs in a Crest commercial, and places a hand on his shoulder. Clarke feels something pull at her stomach but does her best to ignore it. He has every right in the world to flirt and have fun. They’re friends. Friends who like to kiss sometimes and she’s perfectly content with that.

She decides to move slightly closer to the crowd and engage a little more. They seem like a calm bunch. There’s been minimal pushing and some fairly tame dancing. She’ll fit right in. The next song starts and it’s one of their older ones. The crowd goes wild and she finds herself engrossed in the fist pumping, mouthing the words along with the person standing next to her.

When she feels a hand on the small of her back, she nearly pulls up her knee in reflex. But then she sees dark curls out of the corner of her eye and relaxes.

“Couldn’t resist, huh?” Bellamy says into her ear, her original idea of hanging out in the back and watching long lost. She gives him an innocent shrug. She ignores the fact that the knot that had been sitting in her stomach releases at the sight of him. It’s no big deal. He rolls his eyes but to her surprise, he starts to dance with her. It’s nothing much, just bobbing his head and swaying, but seeing him dance is not as rare an occurrence as he claimed. She tries not to feel satisfied by that.

They spend the rest of their night in the crowd and by the time they leave, they’re a sweaty mess. She pulls her hair up into the bun, desperate to get the hair from sticking to her neck. She hates the way it feels.

“They were amazing,” she gushes, pushing a loose hair from her forehead. He nods in a agreement and watches the crowd begin to scatter. She pulls out her phone to order the Uber and hesitates.

“Would it be easier to drop you off first or me?” she asks. She plans on paying for it, to equalize the fact that he brought her along, so she finds a solution that makes sense, “You, probably.”

“You could come home with me,” he says and she nearly snaps her neck looking up from where she had been typing the address in. He watches her reaction warily, “If you want.”

They haven’t crossed that line yet. They have only hung out in the presence of others, whether the general public or his close friends. It’s not like she hasn’t thought about it. In fact, when his tongue is down her throat and his hands are splayed across the small of her back, she thinks about it quite a lot. She’s trying to make better choices, to stop resolving her issues with sex and drinking and whatever destructive behavior she can come up with. None of those things would bring Wells back. Would stop people from hurting her.

But she’d be lying if she said she didn’t feel the temptation. She thinks about going home, to the dark and empty home, to another cold pizza on the counter from her mom, trying to make up for her absence. She thinks about the aching loneliness she feels when she’s stuck inside with nothing to distract her from reality. She looks at him and he’s watching her with reserved hopefulness and suddenly the answer is easy.

“Sure,” she finally says and types his address into the Uber destination bar. They stand in a comfortable silence waiting for it to pull up. Not ten minutes later are they in the back of the car and he’s debating the ethics of surge prices. He had caught a glimpse of her phone and saw the “3x” symbol next to the pricing and decided that this particular Uber driver deserved to hear his lecture on price gouging.

“Bellamy, it’s fine,” she groans, sensing the discomfort of the driver, “Write a letter to the CEO or something!”

He concedes with a dramatic sigh and she pats his leg sympathetically. She’s learned that he tends to work himself up about the smallest things, but she’s happy he’s easy to redirect. She slides her hand from his thigh and twines her fingers into his to give them another reassuring squeeze. That’s the thing about Bellamy. He’s an affectionate guy, free with his touches and often times has no semblance of personal space. He’s that way with all of his friends, often times hanging an arm around Miller or placing a chaste kiss on Harper’s forehead. He enjoys the contact of others and she can’t say she’s opposed.

There surge price debate becomes forgotten. The drive isn’t long and they pull up to a small brick house in a quiet neighborhood, vastly different from what she’s experienced thus far in the city. She likes it.

“It’s not much,” he says as he unlocks the front door and pushes it open, “But it’s home.”

It’s not big by any means. A two bedroom, single floor house. It’s a bit run down, paint chipping from the walls but well decorated and clean. She follows him through the hallway and into the living room, where it is joined with the small kitchen. She’s impressed by how well matched everything is. Most college students have mismatched cheap furniture. They haveat least  put thought into their living room set.

“Most of it is Miller’s,” he breaks the silence, “He’s a bargain hunter. Got the couch and the chair for like 200 bucks on Craigslist.”

“Smart guy,” she responds. She moves to settle on the couch and grabs the book currently lying open on the coffee table.

“Are you seriously reading this again?” it’s a tattered copy of The Iliad, a book that she knows he’s read at least ten times- He’s told her as much.

“I like it,” he counters and snatches from her hands, delicately marking his page and placing it on the bookshelf next to the tv. She’s not surprised to see the shelf is filled with books, some clearly textbooks and others well read editions of classics. He seriously is a nerd but it’s kind of endearing.

When he flops onto the couch next to her, he picks up the remote to mess with the TV, “What do you want to watch?”

“Just turn something on,” she says casually and decides she might as well lay it all out on the table, “We probably won’t watch it much anyway.”

“Are you insinuating a Netflix and chill?” he asks sounding appalled, though his eyes seem to hold a sparkle when he looks at her.

“Don’t you have to have Netflix for that?” she asks dryly.

“Yeah,” he replies, “But Hulu and chill just doesn’t have the same ring to it.”

He finds a show on the front page of Hulu and clicks play, “Did you know Nick Offerman has his own woodworking shop in real life?”

The familiar theme song of Parks and Rec begins to play and smiles slightly, “You don’t say.”

He sets the remotes on the table and glances at her, “He’s also a skilled saxophone player.”

He’s nervous. She peeks at him through her peripherals and he’s stared fixedly at the television, habitually picking at his nails. That’s his tell. His sudden anxiety gives her a bit of her own. Maybe he hadn’t brought her over here for anything other than to hang out. Maybe she had misread the whole situation. But then she thinks about the way he kisses her, like he wants to consume her completely. The way he touches her so freely, like it's the most natural thing in the world. They’ve already agreed upon a no strings relationship, even if it was only in reference to kissing and heavy groping. She imagines that going further will be under the same rules.

She humors him and turns her attention back to the television, pretending to be fascinated by what Andy’s currently doing. She laughs, because dammit Andy Dwyer is hilarious. She hears him chuckle as well.

“Did you know he was only supposed to be in season one?”

The fact that he knows so much about the show doesn’t surprise her. He seems like the kind of guy to get on IMDB and read the trivia facts, which, she’s not judging because she has admittedly done the same. But is now really the time? She scoots closer to him so that their thighs are pressing together.

“It was supposed to be a spinoff of the Office,” his voice deepens a little and she sees his throat bob nervously.

“Bellamy,” she finally says, exasperation clear in her voice. Finally he looks at her, and she notices the way his pupils have gone dark, the way they did when they had been dancing. He’s definitely interested.

She hears the familiar voice of Tom Haverford and Bellamy points at the screen half-heartedly, “He went to business school.”

Deciding that she might as well make the first move, she moves into his lap placing her thighs on either side of his so she’s straddling his legs. She feels his hands slide onto her hips, “I am basically offering myself on a silver platter here and you want to tell me Parks and Rec trivia?”

He leans his forehead against hers, lips dangerously close, “I didn’t want it to seem like I brought you here just to hook up.”

She snorts, “Even though you did.”

“Whatever,” he says, “I’m trying to be a gentleman, Clarke.”

The last thing she says before crushing her lips to his is, “Fucking nerd.”

Seriously, she could kiss him for hours. Not only for the solace it gives her, but also because he’s very skilled with his lips. He can go from lazy to passionate to sensual in about three seconds flat and honestly, he could, quite possibly be the best kiss she’s ever had. She won’t confirm that, though. She wouldn’t want to stroke his ego any more.

However, when she thought it couldn’t get much better, it turns out he had been holding out. Being in the privacy of his own place without fear of interruption or the stigma surrounding PDA, he’s much hungrier. He nips at her lower lip before moving his own to the hollow of her throat and the sensitive parts of her neck. She can’t help the moan that escapes when he finds a sweet spot just behind her ear. The sound seems to drive him more.

She can feel his building excitement between her legs and she finds that she’s not worried or intimidated by it. It actually causes her own to grow. It amazes her how he’s able to drive her to this point with his lips alone. Instinctively, she grinds down into him and he sucks her bottom lip in between his teeth, grazing it and driving her completely mad.  When she pulls back, her lips are red and swollen from the large amount of attention they’ve received but she isn’t quite ready to let them rest. When he seems ready to say something, she leaves a hot and wet kiss on his jawline. His hand creeps under her shirt and she flinches as his thumb nearly grazes the puckered scar on her back.

“Sorry…” he says quickly, snatching his hand from its place on her bare back. She gives him an apologetic smile.

“It’s fine,” she reassures him. It caught her by surprise and though she may be ready to cross some boundaries with him, letting him feel that part of her isn’t one of them. She feels her mind beginning to race again, thoughts of that night beginning to flash through her mind. She kisses him fiercely, trying to drown them out once more. He lets his hands travel her body, though this time remaining firmly above the shirt. He grazes her breasts and she feels her self-control begin to waiver. A want she’s never felt before settles into her stomach.

“Bellamy,” she groans when his hand brushes her breast and she feels them harden at the slightest touch.

“Tell me what you want,” he growls into her ear, lust coating his voice..

She stops thinking at this point, letting herself follow the moment for what it is. She’s picking up what he’s laying down, he’s putting the ball in her court.

“You,” she breathes, “To touch me. Everywhere.”

She lets out a loud yelp when he stands up, gripping her ass in his hands to keep her firmly attached to him. She wraps her legs around his waist and allows him to carry her off to, she presumes, his bedroom. She nuzzles his shoulder and lets out a giddy laugh when he drops her on his bed and she takes a couple bounces. The room is illuminated only by the dim lights coming through the blinds. She finds comfort in the dark,. They can be strangers here.

“Miller would kill me if I tainted the couch,” he explains and pulls his shirt over his head and though her eyes are still adjusting, she can see the smoothness of his chest and the tone of his abdomen. She can see the muscle definition and the way it disappears below his waistline. She does her best not to drool.

“Like what you see?” he asks smugly, her desire clearly written on her face.

“Eh,” she responds, trying her best to sound unfazed. He climbs on top of her and attaches his lips to her neck, sucking the spot he knows drives her absolutely mad.

“You’re alright,” she says half-heartedly and he grinds into her for good measure.

He leans up and she moves with him, lifting her arms in the air indicating she wants her shirt off. He obliges and pulls the offending piece of fabric off, tossing it  to the floor with a soft thump. Thank God she wore her good bra today.

He watches her for a moment, taking it all in and runs his hands along her sides. Goosebumps follow the trail of his finger and he leans down to kiss her, slower this time.

“Have I mentioned you’re fucking beautiful?” he asks and the reverie in which he says it stuns her for a moment. Of course he’s called her cute plenty of times, but the way he says this feels...intimate. Like he really finds her to be the most beautiful creature on the Earth. It’s a bit intimidating and she tries to pretend her heart doesn’t flutter in her chest when he says it.

She twines her fingers into his hair scraping at the curls on his neck and then they’re kissing again while their hands are everywhere. She slides hers into the waistband of his jeans, tracing along his hip bones and she swears she feels him shudder under her fingertips. He reaches behind her back and skillfully unhooks her bra with one hand, finally allowing her chest to be free. He wastes no time, first palming at her breasts and  replacing his hand(s?) with lips. He swirls his tongue around her nipple and she almost comes from that contact alone. He pays equal amount of attention to both nipples.breasts/etc and she’s forced to rub her thighs together to get some sort of friction down there. She’s already on the edge and he hasn’t even fully touched her yet.

She tries to hasten the process of clothes removal by reaching down to unbutton her own jeans and he takes the hint, hooking his own fingers into her belt loops and sliding them down her thighs along with her underwear. She’s fully exposed to him now and he looks nothing short of amazed. He reaches in between them and touches her gently, causing her legs to twitch. His touches are soft, first running a gently thumb over her folds and she can’t help but groan in frustration.

“You wet for me?” he’s smirking now, loving the way her body begs for him.

“Yes,” she breathes, “Please just…”

“What do you want, Clarke?” he applies more pressure to her now and she pulls her hips up to meet him as he begins to circle her clit.

“Fuck!” is all she manages to get out but he seems to understand perfectly.

He pushes her thighs apart, his thumb still working her and slides down on the bed, kissing her hip bone as he goes, “Just so you know, I’m really into foreplay.”

She doesn’t have a chance to respond before he replaces his finger with his mouth. Just as suspected, he’s just as good with his mouth down there. His tongue slides smoothly along her sex while his fingers move in and out. She slides a hand into his hair, gripping it a little tighter than she means to when he grazes his teeth along her. Apparently, he appreciates her enthusiasm because he buries his face further into her and she’s falling apart with a loud moan.  He takes her through the entire orgasm, lapping up her juices like he’s never tasted anything  like it.  When he leans up, he wipes his mouth with the back of his arm before giving her a proud smile.

“Really into foreplay,” he reiterates and she offers a weak laugh before pulling him down for a kiss. She can taste herself on his lips. Deciding he deserves a similar show of affection for his effort, she perks up to her knees and gently pushes his shoulders back.

“Well, in that case,” she husks and reaches down to pop the button on his jeans. He helps her get them off and his erection springs free, waiting for her next move. She wraps a delicate hand around him, feeling him out for the first time. Not that she has a whole lot to compare it to, but she can already see he’s well equipped. She wraps her hand around him and slides it up and down slowly, testing him out. His hand grips the bed a little tighter. She should be more nervous than she is, after all this isn’t something she normally does, but she can’t remember ever being this turned on. She hardly has time to think and finds herself doing what comes naturally. In this case, she doesn’t hesitate to run her lips along the length of his erection before completely taking him in.

“Fuck,” he growls out, threading his fingers in her hair. She’s not very experienced in the blow job department, but she also never had any complaints. Either way, she wants to pleasure him as much as he pleasured her.

“Tell me what you like.” She says, pulling up for a moment to give him another seductive smile.

And he does. When she does something he likes, he makes sure she knows. Whether it’s grunting in pleasure or telling her how much he likes seeing her with his cock in her mouth. When he’s not reacting at all, she knows it’s not for him. She continues for a solid five minutes before he pulls her up.

“Not that...I mean I’m not expecting,” he’s the one having trouble forming coherent sentences now and she can’t help but feel satisfied with her work, “Guys don’t rebound like girls do.”

She has no idea what he’s talking about so he tries to clarify, “I’m...close and I don’t want it to be over...you know, before we get started?”

He’s getting flustered and she can’t help but laugh. He groans, clearly frustrated by his lack of cohesiveness.

“I’m just trying to say if you want to have sex and good sex, you shouldn’t keep going.”

She doesn’t answer for a moment, and not really because she doesn’t know what to say but because her mind is pretty hazy as well. She was perfectly content to finish him this way, letting him cum in her mouth because she knows it would blow his mind and she doesn’t really have an aversion to it.  But, selfishly, she definitely wants to know what he feels like inside of her.  

“Did I fuck up? I mentioned sex...fuck. I don’t want you to think that’s all I want….I,” she kisses him mid ramble.

“Relax,” she says when she pulls away, “I’m happy with sex or I’m happy to finish you off like this. What do you want?”

He considers her for a moment before he grips her hip firmly, “I really want to fuck you.”

She never thought she’d be into the dirty talk, but damn if he didn’t sound good when he told her all the filthy things he wanted to do to her.

“Condoms?” she asks and he points to his nightstand. She fumbles around in the drawer, keeping one hand firmly around his shaft so he stays hard, and pulls one from the drawer. She tears the wrapper open with her teeth and he moans at the sight. She just grins as she rolls the condom onto him. Just as she’s about to sink down on top of him, he flips her onto her back.

“I said I want to fuck you,” he clarifies and sinks into her with one long push. And it feels better than she could have ever imagined.

“Oh God,” she gasps as he fills her up, sinking her nails into his shoulder.  

He starts of with slow strokes, pushing in and out at a tantalizing speed. She never thought herself to be loud or anything, but her breath is coming out in raspy moans and they get a little louder as the momentum increases. She pulls her hips up to meet him, flexing her inner walls when he’s completely inside of her.

“You feel so good,” he’s whispering into her ear, face buried in her neck and one hand firmly wrapped around her back, “Amazing, Clarke, so fucking good.”

She hikes her leg up and he slides it over his shoulder and the angle causes her to nearly scream. She grips his arm as he picks up speed and before she even feels it building, she’s falling apart again, shaking beneath him and crying out his name into the dark room. It only takes him a couple more pushes before she feels him come undone as well and he collapses on top of her with a groan.

She runs a hand idly through his hair and he doesn’t move for a good minute or two. Finally, as though he has to muster up the rest of his strength he rolls off of her and removes the condom, idly searching for the trash can near his bed.

“Fuck.” he says when sinks back down into the pillows. It’s a simple statement. She isn’t sure what it means. Wow? I fucked up? Or maybe, You were amazing?

“Fuck.” she agrees. She isn’t sure what she means by it either. She’s satisfied and the usual guilt that comes from these sort of hookups doesn’t come. She doesn’t regret it.

He turns to look at her and gives her a lazy smile, “Was that okay?”

He isn’t asking if he was okay in bed or if she’s satisfied. He’s asking if they stepped over any boundaries. If they violated the terms of their unspoken agreement.

“I’m okay,” she answers firmly, “You?”

He lets out a low chuckle, “I’m great.”

Neither makes a move to get closer to the other, which is fine by her. Cuddling seems too intimate in this moment and she almost laughs at the contradiction of it all. She can have sex with someone and still feel far away. But if there is cuddling, well, that’s just not allowed. She leans up and finds her discarded shirt on the ground, pulling it over her head in one swift motion, determined to cover up. She feels all too exposed and uncertain. What happens now?

“Relax,” he tells her, again seemingly reading her mind with ease. She hates how well he can read her already. It’s not fair.

“I’m still not going to ask you to marry me, Clarke,” it’s a reference to the conversation they had when they first kissed, “We’re friends. We had sex. It doesn’t have to be anything more than that.”

“You’re okay with that?” She feels like she has to ask. He hasn’t indicated anything to the contrary, but she can’t help but still be a little paranoid about it. The last thing she wants is to hurt him. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? She has a record of hurting people. She doesn’t want to add anymore names to the list.

“Getting laid on the regular without having to suffer through the relationship part that I know I’m not good at?” when she doesn’t respond, he clarifies, “I’m definitely okay with that.”

It doesn’t feel normal at this moment. That’s usually not something girls want to hear after sex, but to her, it’s a relief.

“Who said it’s happening again?”

He leans up onto his elbow, and opens his knees so that’s he’s practically posing for her, “You know you can’t resist.”

“You just think you’re hot shit, don’t you?” she teases, pushing his shoulders so that he’s on his back and she’s pinning him to the bed.

“Absolutely.”

“Well if you do manage to convince me to do it again,” she says dramatically, “Maybe it would be a good idea to set like...rules or something?”

He slides his hands onto her bare thighs and she has to suppress a shiver threatening to run up her spine, “What kind of rules?”

“I don’t know, to make sure we’re on the same page.”

“I’m listening.”

They manage to agree on three things.

No staying the night.

No cuddling (which he was reluctant to agree to because he likes cuddling almost as much as he likes foreplay.)

No falling in love (or feelings beyond lust.

He walks her out that night and gives her a chaste kiss on the cheek with a simple request that she let him know when she arrives safely home. She does. She crawls into bed, her body exhausted from the long day. Normally, it takes her hours to fall asleep. Her fear of the nightmares often keeping her awake long into the night.

She falls asleep almost as soon as her head hits the pillow.

[njawaidofficial]

Taylor Swift And Karlie Kloss Are Still Friends And I Have All The Receipts To Prove It

https://styleveryday.com/2018/03/20/taylor-swift-and-karlie-kloss-are-still-friends-and-i-have-all-the-receipts-to-prove-it/

Taylor Swift And Karlie Kloss Are Still Friends And I Have All The Receipts To Prove It

There’s no feud here, people.

Over the past few months, rumours have been swirling that the once inseparable Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss are no longer friends.

Leon Neal / AFP / Getty Images

Things began after Karlie’s name failed to appear on the T shirt covered with the names of Taylor’s friends in the “Look What You Made Me Do” video, and the speculation has been raging ever since.

Big Machine Records

However, over the weekend Karlie diffused rumours of a rift, confirming that she and Taylor are still friends and saying “people shouldn’t believe everything they read.”

instagram.com

Now that Karlie has spoken, I am here with all the receipts from the past few months to prove that Taylor 👏 Swift 👏 and 👏 Karlie 👏 Kloss’ 👏 friendship 👏 is 👏 fine.

CBS

First up, let’s deal with that damn T-shirt. We know that Taylor shot the “LWYMMD” video in May, meaning that the T-shirt would have been conceptualised before then. We also know from the work of Taylor Swift detectives that Karlie and Taylor both attended Gigi Hadid’s birthday party in April.

So in order for Karlie’s name to have been omitted on purpose, the pair must have somehow had time in the space of a couple of weeks to have a monumental bust up so severe that Taylor decided to spontaneously incorporate it into her art. Given how much time and attention Taylor gives to every last part of her videos, this seems unlikely.

Big Machine Records

Next, cast your mind back to August 2017. After Taylor wiped her social media profiles, she made a dramatic return to Instagram with this announcement.

instagram.com

And who liked it almost immediately?

instagram.com

In November, the 51st Country Music Awards took place. Unfortunately, since it was the same week as Reputation‘s release, Taylor couldn’t attend because she had a pretty important appearance on Saturday Night Live to prepare for.

instagram.com

However, who was in attendance? Only Miss Karlie Kloss herself.

Michael Loccisano / Getty Images

Not only did Karlie attend, but she was also selected to present Taylor with the most prestigious award of the night: Song of the Year.

CMA

Now, let’s be clear – the CMAs are very much Taylor’s stomping ground. Not only is she one of the most successful country artists in history, but over the years Taylor has been awarded 12 times at the CMAs. It goes without saying, then, that Taylor probably calls the shots when it comes to this event.

If she were in a deep and bitter feud with Karlie, it seems unlilely that Taylor would even want her former BFF there, let alone on stage presenting her with an award – especially since Karlie has little connection to the country music scene. And yet there she was, on stage reading out Taylor’s name.

Jason Davis / Getty Images

What’s more, just look how damn happy Karlie was to announce that Taylor had won!

youtube.com

youtube.com

This to me looks like the face of a supportive BFF, not an enemy.

youtube.com

And as if to prove there were no hard feelings, she also tweeted this which is happy and lovely and positive.

Twitter: @taylorswift13

OK, onto exhibit D. In late November, Karlie celebrated the birthday of her and Taylor’s mutual friend, Lily Alridge. Karlie chose to mark the occasion not with a photo of her and Lily, but one in which Taylor was also present.

instagram.com

Seeing as Lily and Karlie have known each other for eight years it seems likely that they’d have a bunch of photos together. So why choose this one? Probably because there was no feud.

instagram.com

Well, Karlie delivered. She posted this cute photo of the pair on Instagram and Twitter.

instagram.com

instagram.com

The choice of photo should have reasurred everyone that things were fine between Taylor and Karlie, because this was a never-seen-before BTS shot from their iconic 2015 Vogue cover.

The shoot was a recreation of the road trip the girls took in the early stages of their friendship.

Vogue

Vogue

In fact, the trip and the Vogue cover were such a big deal to Taylor that she even has the photos framed in her home.

Vogue

And she also used another BTS photo from the shoot to wish Karlie a happy birthday in 2016.

Instagram: @taylorswift

Throwing it back to such an important time in their friendship was pretty sentimental move if you ask me.

Vogue

Later in December Taylor was unveiled as one of the cover stars of Time’s “Person of the Year” issue, dedicated to the women who had spoken out against sexual harassment and assault.

Earlier in the year Taylor won a lawsuit against the man who sexually assaulted her in 2013.

Time

And as she flew home for Christmas, Karlie shared a photo of her inflight reading material. No prizes for guessing what it was.

Yep. She posted this photo of herself reading the magazine to her Instagram stories.

Time

Now, I know what you’re thinking – at this point things feels a bit one-sided on Karlie’s behalf. So it’s worth pointing out that since Taylor wiped clean her social media and and went all incognito for this album cycle, she hasn’t publicly interacted with any of her close friends and family.

She didn’t publicly acknowledge the birthdays of Gigi Hadid, Lily Alridge, Cara Delevingne, Camila Cabello and her brother Austin. She also failed to publicly acknowledge Lorde’s Grammy nomination, Ed Sheeran’s engagement or her closest childhood friend’s wedding. The fact that Taylor hasn’t interacted with Karlie on social media isn’t proof that they’re not friends; she hasn’t interacted with anyone.

Big Machine Records

Which is why looking at the social media activity of Taylor and Karlie’s friends is very interesting.

CBS

Let me introduce you to Abigail, Taylor’s long-time best friend and confidante since high school.

They’ve been through many highs and lows together – Abigail supported Taylor when she was being bullied, Taylor wrote a song about Abigail’s hearbreak and she was also maid of honour at Abigail’s wedding last summer.

instagram.com

It’s safe to say that Abigail is the epitome of a loyal best friend, especially since Taylor became famous. So her Instagram likes are very interesting.

instagram.com

Because despite the “feud,” Abigail has continued to like a bunch of Karlie’s Instagram photos. In fact, here are just a few of the photos she’s “liked” throughout the months when Taylor and Karlie were said to be feuding.

instagram.com

instagram.com

Perhaps the most interesting like was on this photo of Karlie at the Country Music Awards – that important night which all but confirmed she and Taylor were fine.

Would Abigail really still be in touch with and/or liking Karlie’s photos if she and Taylor had actually fallen out?

instagram.com

And if that’s not enough to convince you, let’s recall the fact that Taylor and Karlie have a history of describing one another as “sisters” or “family.”

Twitter: @karliekloss

Well, their families are really close too. So close, in fact, that even Karlie’s sisters are still publicly communicating with Taylor.

instagram.com

Karlie’s sister Kimby not only wished Taylor a happy birthday, but chose a photo featuring Karlie for the message.

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And then on the eve of her 23rd birthday, Kimby shared this photo alongside a very ~familiar~ caption.

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👀

instagram.com

But perhaps most convincingly of all is the fact that while Swifties were spamming Karlie with the rat emoji after she was photographed with Katy Perry, a fan begged her to confirm that she and Taylor were OK.

instagram.com

And who should respond but Karlie’s ACTUAL DAD, confirming that Taylor and Karlie are still friends.

instagram.com

So now we know they’re fine, the countdown is on until we receive the next Kaylor candid. Please don’t make us wait too long, ladies.

CBS

[crowdvscritic]

round up // JULY 20

New music is saving 2020! This is one of my most music-and-musical-heavy Round Ups yet, not even counting the Beverly Hills Cop theme I’ve been whistling and dancing to around my apartment this week. (Don’t judge—you’ll do it to if you watch any of those movies.) And speaking of movies, I’ve got three new movies from 2020 to recommend! When theatres reopen I might go every week even if there’s nothing I’m excited to see, but I’m thankful for VOD movies to tide me over in the meantime.

July Crowd-Pleasers

This Twitter Thread

I’ve laughed out loud so many times I don’t care if this thread is made up. An anonymous Frenchman is documenting the “adventures” of a British family with a vacation home next door and no clue what Brexit actually means. This journey is a sardonic roller coaster, but I appreciate this tweeter isn’t devoid of empathy.

The Lincoln Lawyer (2011)

An insanely satisfying legal thriller that will have you shouting at your TV. Matthew McConaughey is a hot shot lawyer who doesn’t care if his clients are guilty, but he starts to reconsider that position with his newest (Ryan Philippe). What seems like a cut-and-dry defense of a man wrongfully accused escalates into so much more. I’ll stay scant on the details so the twists can surprise you as much as they did me. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 8/10

Summer Jams

2020 has gotten, um, a bad reputation, but I’d like to give it a shout-out for one of the best years of summer pop music in a long time. The last time I remember jamming to this many songs on the radio was 2013, the summer of “Mirrors,” “Get Lucky,” “Roar,” and “I Love It.” Thanks to Harry Styles, Lady Gaga, the Jonas Brothers, and Doja Cat, I keep flipping through radio stations looking for the next new song that will make me bop. Enjoy a round up of my favorite summer songs of 2020 so far on Spotify above.

Focus (2015)

As noted last month, I love when a heist movie can pull a fast one on me. Focus may not be a creative height of either Will Smith’s or Margot Robbie’s careers, but it’s a romantic and funny story of two con artists with just enough plot twists to keep me guessing. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 7/10

Love Crazy (1941)

William Powell and Myrna Loy appeared in 14 movies together, and their chemistry in this zany romantic comedy shows us why. The premise starts with their married characters planning an eccentric anniversary celebration, but somehow it escalates to a legal declaration of his insanity. (Unlike My Man Godfrey, Powell is the comic instead of the straight man this time.) While how we talk about mental health has changed much in the last 80 years, this comedy is so screwball it can’t be taken seriously as commentary. Crowd: 8/10 // Critic: 7.5/10

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953)

Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell star in a musical light on songs but huge on charm, laughs, and diamonds. In a perfect world, we would have gotten more musicals directed by Howard Hawks, but if we could only have one, this is proof we’re not living in the darkest timeline. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 8.5/10

Double Feature — Very Silly Spoofs: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) + The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

I’m very late to both of the parties for Monty Python (Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 8.5/10) and The Naked Gun (Crowd: 9.5/10 // Critic: 8/10), so all I need to say about these absurd comedies is the hype didn’t ruin them for me.

Fast & Furious (2009)

In a strange turn of events, I finally succumbed to watching all Fast and Furious flicks. (Blame it on quarantine.) While my favorite remains the spin-off Hobbs & Shaw (maybe because it’s so unlike a normal movie in this franchise, sorry), the fourth movie is another highlight. It features one of the best character team-ups before the stunts become hilariously unrealistic and acknowledges some of the moral complexities of the plot, which is surprisingly uncharacteristic for a movie series about, um, criminals. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 7/10

Double Feature — Action Crime Movies Based on True Stories in the ‘70s: Donnie Brasco (1997) + The Bank Job (2008)

In, Donnie Brasco (Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 8/10), Johnny Depp is an FBI agent undercover in the Mob, keeping an eye on Al Pacino. In The Bank Job (Crowd: 8.5 // Critic: 7.5/10), Jason Statham is caught up in an MI6 plot to save political face by breaking into a London bank. Both are tense, twisty, and somehow true.

Jim Gaffigan: Cinco (2017)

While he’s best known for jokes about food, I’ll always appreciate how his self-deprecating jokes are never really just about his appearance or his many children, though he’s funny enough he could get away with that.

Covers by Switchfoot (2020)

Harry Styles! Vampire Weekend! My music tastes past and present collide in this album of bops Switchfoot covered this year.

Beverly Hills Cop III (1994)

This is really just a plug to watch all three Beverly Hills Cop movies for Eddie Murphy at his funniest, Judge Reinhold at his most underrated, and a score so catchy you’ll be dancing to it for days. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 7/10

July Critic Picks

Hamilton (2020)

Who knew? Listening to the Hamilton soundtrack is not the same as watching it in the room where it happens. I reviewed the filmed production with the original cast for ZekeFilm, which was a treat since my May theatre tickets were cancelled. At least we’re not dealing with formal duels in 2020! Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 10/10

Double Feature — Journalism Films Based on True Stories in the ‘70s: All the President’s Men (1976) + Zodiac (2007)

Maybe it’s just because I have a degree in Journalism, but I appreciate a story about a good story. In All the President’s Men (Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 10/10), Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman are digging into the Watergate scandal at The Washington Post even when no one else thinks there’s anything to investigate. On the opposite coast in Zodiac (Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 9/10), Jake Gyllenhaal and Robert Downey Jr. are hunting the Zodiac Killer at the San Francisco Chronicle with the help of police officer Mark Ruffalo. This double feature focuses on reporters so committed to their work it comes at personal cost, but it highlights the need for people who are that committed to the truth to make our society function.

Greyhound (2020)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a studio in possession of a good World War II script must be in want of Tom Hanks, and we can always feel the warmest gratitude for any means of uniting them. I reviewed the film Hanks wrote himself for ZekeFilm. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 9/10

Dark Waters (2019)

Mark Ruffalo plays a real-life lawyer who helped investigate DuPont and change legislation on chemicals. A different kind of legal thriller than The Lincoln Lawyer, but yet another movie confirming Mark Ruffalo is a treasure. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 9/10

These Pieces on How We Interact With Media

I’m a believer in good journalism (see above), so I appreciate when writers do some self-examination on their own craft. I’ve been on an Instagram break the last few months because it’s been contributing to an anxiety spiral re: world events. It’s easy to talk in hyperbole, to complain, and to dehumanize others on the Internet, and I know I’m guilty of all three, so kudos to these writers for speaking on them.

“The Power of Media and Misinformation in the Age of Coronavirus,” DarlingMagazine.org (April 20)

“My Big Old Rant,” SeanDietrich.com (July 10)

“Kanye West and the Media Are Once Again Playing a Dangerous Game,” Vulture.com (July 13)

Brightest Blue by Ellie Goulding (2020)

You might know Ellie for her electro-pop hits, but I’ve always preferred her ballads that let her unique vocals shine. Brightest Blue is another collection of both styles, and it’s another strong outing from one of my favorite singers.

West Side Story by Richard Barrios (2020)

The making of West Side Story is a classic collision between art and commerce. This new Turner Classic Movies book details the many conflicts between the creative team, cast, and financiers to make one of the most beloved musicals and most Oscar-winning films in history, and you might be surprised it made it to the screen at all after reading it.

The Vast of Night (2020)

The Twilight Zone-esque movie is all about some weird happenings over the airwaves in a small town. Two high school students, one a nighttime radio host and the other a phone operator, team up to investigate a mysterious noise they’re hearing. The filmmaking is unconventional but gripping, and the story has major Stranger Things vibes, which is only helped by the fact that one of the stars looks a lot like Sadie Sink. (FYI, her name is actually Sierra McCormick.) Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 8.5/10

folklore by Taylor Swift (2020)

It’s tricky to put into words what new music from Taylor Swift means to me because her words have been part of my life for over a decade and I admire what she shares of her creative process so much. Her unexpected eighth album is nothing like Lover—instead it’s a sonic and poetic continuation of songs and themes from Fearless and RED, her two most sock-me-in-the-gut-and-how-did-you-get-a-hold-of-my-journal collections. Just 11 months ago she released an album I said was her best yet, but I’m saying it again and even faster than last time.

Bonus: Enjoy this piece about the inspiration for her song “Last Great American Dynasty” from St. Louis Magazine.

Westworld (1973)

Before Jurassic Park, Michael Chrichton wrote and directed another sci-fi adventure set at a theme park with a Hunger Games flair. Here we go to a Western-themed resort where almost-human robots serve patrons’ every whim—that is, until they start rewriting their programming.  At least we aren’t dealing with homicidal robot cowboys in 2020! Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 9/10

Also in July…

I wrote a tribute to Olivia de Havilland after her passing at 104. She’s best known as Melanie in Gone With the Wind, but I’ll argue that’s not the best showcase of her talent.

The Best Picture Project continues with Clark Gable! He starred in 1934’s It Happened One Night and 1935’s Mutiny on the Bounty, but I’m only recommending one of them for your viewing pleasure. You can scroll a little further back or read the reviews here:

It Happened One Night – Crowd // Critic

Mutiny on the Bounty – Crowd // Critic

On SO IT’S A SHOW?, our pop culture references spanned 250 years with 1976’s Rocky and the 1726 novel Gulliver’s Travels. We found a crazy number of connections between Gilmore Girls actor Milo Ventimiglia and Sylvester Stallone, and we figured out what the hey the word “brobdingnagian” means. 

You can keep up with everything I’m watching in real time on Letterboxd, where I’ve rounded up my favorite journalism films, including All the President’s Men, It Happened One Night, and Zodiac.

Images: Switchfoot, Media, Ellie Goulding, West Side Story. all others IMDb.com.

[youcantfiremebecauseiquit]

theguitardiary said: I love finding new music! Especially when you’re not expecting it. We seem to have similar tastes in music! Who do you listen to now in this modern age? There’s only a handful of bands I like but I’m convinced there’s more out there. They’re just not as well known.

Yes, it seems so!  :)

Hmm, i don’t like that much of modern bands, if saying modern we mean completely new bands with young people being around for a couple of years. I’m aware that i probably don’t search enough, but these days i don’t even know where to look for bands, 2000-2009 days were much easier in this case.  Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes i look at new trendy bands and just can’t treat them seriously, for example i take one look at this Youngblud guy and i don’t have to listen to him to know he’s just another variation of 5 seconds of summer or 21 pilots or Imagine Dragons shit. “New British rock poet” lol, i just can’t. Or Pale Waves, they dress like tumblr goths so you expect goth music, but they play watery pop and the girl says she wants to be like Taylor Swift and Avril Lavigne. I listened to Avril Lavigne in elementary school, but ever since i found lots of actual punk/rock artists and it’s not like it’s the best thing under the earth (anyone remembers times when Avril Lavigne was the biggest faux pas in rock circles?). It’s just some weird trend with people my age/younger becoming some “punk rock/indie queens” with edgy mall goth looks, and of course press falls all over itself in praises and calling them new punk rock princesses and whatnot, and it turns out they don’t listen to classic stuff, they all actually listened to Taylor Swift and want to be Avril Lavigne, each and everyone. This or hair metal bands.  I’m not saying it’s neccesarily a crime, but it’s such a common thing, you can see how they compile clothes or videos or even straight up stylize their own songs after “Let Go” or “Under My Skin”. I’m all for nostalgia, but “imitation is the highest form of flattery” saying isn’t an explanation, all that flattery mostly ends up as clowning and copying rather than a wink to your influences. What’s with all that recent acceptance for copying and ripping off older artists? We reached the point where the world is obsessing over old cringe tumblr aesthetics sold as “new wave”, with skinwalking this rock star or another. Everybody claps and grins as if they haven’t seen it all somewhere else before. And then we have horrors like Starcrawler ripping off Katie Jane Garside look and everyone being fine with it. Develop some sort of personality, make up a new one if you dont’ have it, stop ripping off your teenagehood idols, ffs.

*End of a massive modern bands rant*  

For the record, I’m sure there are some good independent bands, but i honestly don’t know where to find them and i admit i’m very picky. 

Forever Still - at first they may look like a “throwaway Arch Enemy opera metal lady + a bunch of black-wearing random guys” type of band, but thankfully it’s not the case. Maja Shining has an actual personality and a pretty voice. They’re from Denmark, they play alt rock with melodic vocals, mainly a cross between calmer ballads and more metal songs, people compared them to Evanescence because of a trained vocals singer and emotional lyrics, but to me they’ve developed a thing of their own. They use elements of metal, but they actually have memorable riffs and melodies. There’s also a lot of piano in their music and on “Breathe In Colors” (and live shows) they use theremin, which is rarely used instrument in rock. 

 This band is very impressive, i followed them since their independent days, they eventually were signed by Nuclear Blast but they literally did everything themselves, from cover art to music videos to producing their music. The bass player  was apparently an apprentice of Metallica producer/engineer, don’t remember which one though, and you can hear it, i believe they were recording stuff at home but their early songs were top notch in production. It’s funny how their first EPs and first album were self released and sold through internet and yet they sounded like a major label band! And they could literally go on without signing anyone cause they got fans and were selling CDs and merch themselves, but Nuclear Blast got interested in them and they got signed. For a modern day band, they’re doing pretty well which is impressive especially considering everything they achieved, they did it themselves. I think 15 years ago they would be bigger, blame rock’s role in mainstream, or lack thereof. If it was 2003, they would be MTV’s favourites probably. They take care about even small things and i’d say a part of the success is how they’re all in contact with fans instead of playing big rock stars. They toured with Lacuna Coil, Children of Bodom, etc. 

Also CONCEPT ALBUMS! They do concept albums. First album “Tied Down” was more emotion driven with ups and downs of a sort, calm and aggressive points, the newest one is much heavier and electronic. “Tied Down” is about depressed person going through some shit and then idk letting go of toxic stuff, “Breathe In Colors” album is much cooler to me, cause it’s darker and heavier and has that electronic cathastrophic decay feeling, i’d say it’s their “Blade Runner” record (i’d say the cover and “Breathe In Colors” video are direct references), especially since they said they were inspired by “Blade Runner” and “Akira”. It’s been released in 2019 and it’s cool, cause i really missed that sort of element in music, the “social fear of the future”/”digital era emptiness” kind of cyberpunk stuff that was in before turn of the century.

I’d say to listen/watch  Miss Madness ,  Scars , Break The Glass   Rewind  Breathe In Colors

Bandcamp: https://foreverstill.bandcamp.com/

Destructive Daisy - that’s an all-girl grunge band from my country, Poland. Unfortunaly they no longer exist i think, they stopped posting/playing apparently... They were a big hype awhile back, cause they were the only grunge girl band in Poland (at least that we knew of), they’ve got some attention after they released EP and they even supported Mudhoney at their Poland show in 2013 or so. Then they recorded Ophelia’s Dreams album in 2016 and vanished. That’s a shame, cause althought i wasn’t so crazy about them at the time, they’ve got some nice songs and they had those L7 / 7 Year Bitch kinda grunge girl vibes and people looked up to them expecting some next move, but i guess everyone expected too much from them and they played for fun without big plans, idk.  

I’d recommend Destructive Daisy EP. Haven’t listen to their stuff in a few years tbh.

Bandcamp: https://destructivedaisy.bandcamp.com/

Hmm, i only listened to select songs from Le Butcherettes and never cared enough to follow their new records, I like this video:

But I like that weird crossover the chick (Teri Gender Bender? I think that was her name) did with... Melvins. I’m a simple man, I see Melvins, i click.  The band’s Crystal Fairy and it’s been a bit of surprise to me. I don’t know if they tour/plan anything more, i suppose it’s a one-off project from 2017. But the album is dope. It’s very Melvins though, don’t know how much of guitar work is done by Teri, to me it’s 100% Melvins and she probably wrote lyrics and melodies, but i don’t know. “Crystal Fairy”, “Sweet Self” however sounds to me like Teri composition. Hard to tell, cause to me both bands have some “twisted blues” quality, it’s just Melvins are heavier. It’s basically Melvins led by a female. If anyone ever wondered how it’s like to have female-fronted Melvins, this is it. 

https://crystalfairy.bandcamp.com/ 

I like Evanescence and Linkin Park, but that’s not exactly “modern” anymore, haha. When you know for example “In The End” song is 20 years old... crazy. Most surprising band i listen to is maybe Sum 41. All the older bands and punks hated them a lot before and call it pop punk, and yes, they had a few irritating happy boys songs, but they’ve got some darker “punk-metal” albums. They had the best guitar skills of those pop punk bands from 00′s, added a good deal of metal (”Chuck”) and piano (”Screaming Bloody Murder”) at some point, but they’re totally fine if someone likes that fast melodic punk like Green Day or NOFX. 

Maybe also White Lung, i don’t know all of their albums and listen to it more casually, but it’s female fronted and they’ve got that various layered guitars sound. 

Ok that’s it, if i were to tell you in person, i’d probably say 3 words, but in writing i always end up writing long essays :p 

If anyone else following this blog has any recommendations of new bands, of course you can send me in ask!