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canaryrecords · 3 years

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“Under the mask of humor, our society allows infinite agressions, by everyone and against everyone. In the culminating laugh by the listener or observer - whose position is often really that of the victim or butt - the teller of the joke betrays his hidden hostility and signals his victory by being, theoretically at least, the one person present who does not laugh. […] Erotic humor is far & away the most popular of all types, and an extremely large percentage of jokes authentically in oral circulation, in this and apparently all centuries and cultures, is concerned with the humor - often unwilling, unpleasant, and even purposely macabre - of this sexual impulse. The humor of scatology must be assimilated into this, if only because both operate under the same psychological and verbal taboos. […] The editor is very conscious that in presenting [...] a collection of what this culture calls frankly and appreciatively ‘dirty jokes,’ he himself is falling into every kind of aggression in the book, and is almost certain to cause every reader, without exception, some sort of uneasiness in one chapter or another.” - Gershon Legman, introduction to Rationale of the Dirty Joke: An Analysis of Sexual Humor (Grove Press, 1968)

THIS COLLECTION INCLUDES DISCRIMINATORY AND OFFENSIVE MATERIAL INTENDED ONLY FOR ADULTS. However, unlike the anthologizing work of the great folklorist Gershon Legman, I have made two significant censorial choices. I have purposefully omitted broad racial and ethnic stereotypes (although I have retained regionalistic stereotyping) and material that is specifically centered around sexual violence (although I have retained passing references to assaults). My feeling is that this collection will be understood as entertainment, despite its historicizing context, and that presenting some of the available material here would be itself an act of perpetuation of misogyny, racism, and the ongoing systemic violence that is prevalent among the material that I’ve drawn from in making this collection. The axiom "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke," is as reasonable and helpful a rule if the "they" is clearly understood. My intention is not to obfuscate the hostility that was on display on these old discs but to offer some of these recordings in a way that will not cause undo pain to contemporary adult listeners.

Anyone who has physically handled enough 78rpm discs in the U.S. has encountered the “blue” humor material that was on offer in the post WWII period. Typically anonymous, bearing little more than a title on their labels, they were most often documents of cabaret and burlesque performers, examples of dirty jokes inherited from stage routines but unreleaseable under inherited codes of propriety, filled either with double meanings or else explosions of expletives. Some were the pornographic audio equivalents of “stag” films. In any case, they were a use of the home audio format as a release of repression and sublimation of sexual and other taboo language in the U.S. Between the Supreme Court’s decision on Joyce’s Ulysses and the trials of Lenny Bruce, they were sold clandestinely by men to other men as home-listening smut or "party records" to replicate the bawdy atmosphere of nightclubs at home.

Many were stock bits, recorded repeatedly by various uncredited stage and radio performers. Some were subsequently rerecorded on LPs in the 1970s by Black performers like Skillet & Leroy and Rudy Ray Moore. Parodies of risque material performed by Black entertainers in the 20s and 30s was rerecorded by white performers in stereotyped dialect, a form of audio blackface (which we have omitted on this collection). Queer culture songs and routines were disseminated and consumed through a similar process, even as homophobic sentiments arise periodically. And, of course, ethic humor - a baseline of early 20th century American stage acts - was broadened to include overt sexual ideas of various groups. (Some ethnic groups, particularly Poles in Chicago, produced LPs of "hot" and "sexy" material during the LP era, which is a subject for another discussion.)

For what it’s worth, a significant number of these types of recordings circulate online now, particularly on YouTube, but many also don't. No wide-scale release of the "blue" comedic discs of the 40s and 50s has been undertaken and for good reason. They remain largely in the “naughty” piles of collectors, who are generally reluctant to share them widely because of the shame involved in perpetuating these often distinctly unsavory or sub-artistic bits of American life. The culture of 78rpm record collecting continues to include many individuals who take the contents of the recordings as totemic of a wished-for past, an anachronistic world that is racist, homophobic, and misogynistic. Those reprehensible impulses would be too easy to project on this cross-section of audio cultural detritus, so it may be useful to present some of those recordings here in a spirit of joyfulness.

Henri Bergson wrote that, "If there exists a madness that is laughable, it can only be compatible with the general health of the mind - a sane type of madness." The best way to hear these things is understand them as a form of collective madness. The joke, certainly, is on you and me, but it's only because we're all crazy together.

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footballffbarbiex · 4 years

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July Updates.

Planting Flowers And Watching Bees. Eric Dier. Spring Masterlist. 02/07/2020

Having A Picnic. Leon Goretzka. Spring Masterlist. 03/07/2020

Chicken Fraud. Eric Dier. 04/07/2020

Maybe A Foot Rub. Adam Lallana. 05/07/2020

The Baby Blues. Roman Burki. HEA. 06/07/2020

A Family Bike Ride. Dele. Spring Masterlist. 09/07/2020

Visiting A Farm. pt 1. Trent Alexander-Arnold. Spring Masterlist. 10/07/2020

Visiting A Farm. pt 2. Kylian Mbappe. Spring Masterlist. 10/07/2020

Make It Easy For Me. Harry Winks. 11/07/2020

Falling In The River. Ben Chilwell. Spring Masterlist. 12/07/2020

The Second Trophy. Antoine Griezmann. 15/07/2020

Dele blurb. 17/07/2020

Grizi blurb. 17/07/2020

Gio Lo Celso blurb. 17/07/2020

Trent blurb. 17/07/2020

Leon blurb. 17/07/2020

Exploring Nature pt 1. Harry Winks. Spring Masterlist. 18/07/2020

Ox blurb. 19/07/2020

Neco blurb. 19/07/2020

Mirror Mirror On The Wall. Teaser. Marcos Llorente. smutty. 19/07/2020

Exploring Nature pt 2. Leon Goretzka. Spring Masterlist. 19/07/2020

Better Now. Roman Burki. HEA. 20/07/2020

Bringing Home The First Family Pet. Antoine Griezmann. Spring Masterlist. 25/07/2020

Sinful Sunday. One. 26/07/2020

Getting caught in a spring shower. Roman Burki. Spring Masterlist. 26/07/2020

Sinful Sunday. Two. 26/07/2020

Flying A Kite With The Children. Paulo Dybala. Spring Masterlist. 30/07/2020

Building Bird Houses and Feeders. Hector Bellerin. Spring Masterlist. 31/07/2020

PATREON:

The Second Trophy. Antoine Griezmann. Smut. 01/07/2020

Call Me Virgil. Virgil Van Dijk. Teacher Series. 03/07/2020

One Year Later. HEA. 06/07/2020

A Little Squishy. Chris Evans. Patreon only. Monthly Patreon request. 08/07/2020

If I Needed You. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. Pilot series. 09/07/2020

His Say So. Harry Winks. Teacher series. 11/07/2020

What Do You Say? Marco Reus. Patreon only. Monthly Patreon request. 13/07/2020

He Might Need It. Dele. Summer masterlist. 14/07/2020

It’s Just Who I Am. Leroy Sane. Patreon only. Monthly Patreon request. 15/07/2020

Good Answer. Hector Bellerin. Teacher series. 16/07/2020

Expecting. Henry Cavill. Patreon only. Monthly Patreon request. 17/07/2020

Her Moment. Eric Dier. Pilot series. 18/07/2020

A Kiss From Death. Chapter Two. Antoine Griezmann. Patreon only series. 18/07/2020

Sweet Spot. Emre Can. Smut. Patreon only. Monthly Patreon request. 19/07/2020

Lap Of Honour. Roman Burki. HEA. 20/07/2020

Something In Your Eye? Federico Bernardeschi. Teacher series. 21/07/2020

It’s Glastonbury, Baby. Ben Chilwell. Summer masterlist. 23/07/2020

They Needed Her. Roman Burki. Pilot series. 25/07/2020

A Little Red. Dele. Teacher series. 27/07/2020

Not Tonight. Neymar. Smut. Patreon only. Monthly Patreon request. 28/07/2020

The Treehouse. Dele. Patreon only. Monthly Patreon request. 29/07/2020

Get Your Wings. Ben Chilwell. Pilot series. 30/07/2020

And Then I Met You. Chapter Five. Paulo Gazzaniga. Patreon only. Monthly Patreon request. 31/07/2020

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eirian-houpe · 5 years

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The Library Beneath The Clock Tower

Fandom: Once Upon A Time

Relationships: Belle/Gold (Also Belle/Gaston)

Characters: (so far) Belle, Gold, Ruby, Granny, Leroy

Tags: Slightly AU Cursed Storybrooke, Eventual smut.

Summary: Storybrooke has no library, and neither does Belle, not since the library where she worked in Boston discovered her past as an inpatient at a mental hospital. Taking her future into her own hands, Belle travels to Storybrooke where her intention is to open up the town library, but all does not go according to her plan. Obstacles and false starts, and diversion along very wrong pathways interrupt her journey toward fulfilling her dream, as well as taking her rightful place and becoming a part of the Storybrooke community.

Notes: Rumbelle comes in many shapes and sizes, and after I was harrassed until I read The Bookshop of the Corner: A Novel, by Jenny Colgan, I was perhaps innocent to the fact that it can happen outside of fan fiction too. If you haven't read the book, I would recommend it to you warmly, and challenge you /not/ to see Rumbelle in the telling of the tale. For that reason, this story renders the narrative arc of Colgan's book in Rumbelle form.

I wrote this story for @peacehopeandrats for a Christmas gift. I hope you all enjoy it too.

Chapter 1 - Not Quite According To Plan

Belle wasn't sure whether she was disappointed, angry, hurt, upset, astounded, righteously indignant or all of the above, as she left Mayor Mills' office, hurrying along to towards the diner she'd seen when she first arrived, rapidly brushing away rebellious tears as she did. Why was everything just going so wrong?

It started when everything in her life had been looking up, for a change. She had been hospitalized for quite some time, she didn’t know how long, or what for. Though they told her it was for the effects of trauma. She couldn’t remember anything like that happening, and as far as she could tell, if something bad had happened to her, well… she should be able to, but no. They told her that was how trauma worked. The mind shut down any and all avenues of remembrance. Didn’t matter that she’d had therapy once a week for as long as she could remember, she simply couldn’t tell them what they wanted to know, to hear. So, they’d kept her locked up.

And then, one day, suddenly, they didn’t, and she had no idea about that either. She only knew it was a relief, not to be stuck in the same place, day in, day out, with nothing to do except to read.

Reading, and studying she was certain, kept her sane, and so when she ‘graduated’ from the asylum, as she had taken to calling her release from the hospital that was tucked away somewhere in a forgotten corner of Boston, and was asked if she had any idea what she wanted to do with her life, she had an answer.

“I want to be a librarian.”

It wasn’t going to happen overnight, not even with the credits she had already accrued from her studies at the hospital, she knew that, but she enjoyed the challenge of the study, as she enjoyed some aspects of being a part of a ‘real’ university. It was there, for instance, that she met the woman that it seemed was fated to become her best friend: Ruby.

Ruby was, for all intents and purposes, a strange dichotomy of a girl. On the one hand, she was as equally studious and dedicated to her work as was Belle, and in that respect made an excellent study partner even though their courses couldn’t have been more dissimilar. On the other hand, however, Ruby was the epitome of a party girl.

She was tall, and athletically built with long, dark hair in which she usually had some kind of red. Whether a bright red extension hairpiece, or a more subtle shade colored into her own hair, it was always there, like a part of her, a signature of sorts. Another signature that Ruby adopted was the length of her skirts. Undeniably short, and usually paired with a skimpy or revealing top, no matter where she was going, to work, to class, or out for an evening on the town - though that was generally where she was the most revealed of all - she was not afraid to be out and confident about her femininity.

Thinking about Ruby made her remember that she’d promised to call, and hadn’t. Not when she arrived, and certainly not since the mayor - arrogant fucking witch - had turned down her proposal almost without listening to it. Belle felt as though the woman had taken one look at her, and decided on the spot that she wasn’t going to have anything to do with her, and that included allowing her to open up the town’s small library again.

She dashed away a few more angry tears, and turned the corner without really looking where she was going.

The man she collided with wasn’t overly tall, perhaps only a few inches taller than she, but he was immaculately dressed in a black suit over a dark red shirt, and an even darker tie. He walked with a pronounced limp, a cane held in his right hand. At the collision, he took a measured step back, and raised both of his hands to catch hold of Belle’s upper arms, steadying her a little as she would have bounced off him.

“I am so sorry,” she said immediately. “I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“Well, that much is evident,” he answered, his barely accented voice dripping sarcasm.

Belle’s mood got the better of her, and she snapped back. “There’s no need to be so bloody condescending.” And then she realized he still had a hold of her arms, and had probably stopped her from falling, given that the shoes she was wearing weren’t exactly the most sensible. It made her feel somewhat contrite, and she felt as though she should thank him for that, so trying for a less irritated tone said, “And thank you, by the way.”

He tipped his head onto one side briefly, looking her up and down, before asking, “For what? My condescension, or for trying to act like a gentleman?”

She shook her head with a sigh, his words, his attitude, this… stranger, was doing nothing for her mood, or for her disappointment in the way the day had gone, and for the fact that in spite of finding Storybrooke quite to her liking, it didn’t at all seem to like her. Though why that should bother her so much, she wasn’t sure.

“No answer?” he said, and she realized she hadn’t spoken in quite some time, as lost in her annoyance as she was. “Well then, you are most welcome,” he added, releasing her from his gentle, steadying grasp. “For whichever.” He moved aside, with slightly more than a nod of his head, and less than a bow, before bidding her, “Good day, Miss…”

She narrowed her eyes. Why on earth would he think that she’d give him her name, after he’d been so insufferably sarcastic, when he could have simply accepted her apology and moved on. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing after all that it didn’t seem as though Storybrook was going to work out if it was full of people like the mayor and this man.

And yet…

“Marchland,” she said, as she began to stride away, and before he could say anything more.

She found herself walking straight past the diner without stopping in as she had first intended. She wanted to find somewhere to calm the storm of irritation that was filling her, but not just that. It was coupled with a kind of fear. If she couldn’t find something to do once her notice period with the library in Boston was complete, then how would she ever support herself? She had no family, and would have only the little income she would make working her second job in the bookstore in one of the quieter parts of the city. It wouldn’t be enough to support herself, not even with Ruby’s generous help.

The two young women had become roommates while they were both still studying, when Ruby asked Belle to move in with her, to help with expenses, and after graduation, they continued to share the small apartment that Ruby owned. Of late, however, the relationship between them had become somewhat strained - and all because of Belle’s books.

Working part time at the bookstore, the owners allowed Belle to bring home any second hand book that they did not believe they could resell. Her collection of books had started small, but over time had grown considerably, starting to fill up every available space in the apartment, and some that weren’t.

“I know, I know,” Belle often said to Ruby, “but it won’t be for long, I promise.”

“You said that last month,” Ruby would reply, “and the month before that.”

That was how the arguments began, and why Belle now felt her belly turning circles as she sat down on the bench in the park, turning her phone over and over in her hands. She was certain that it would work out here. The name alone gave her the promise of that. She was sure that she would open the library, and add to it with the books she had collected over the course of the last year. Now she felt as though she were letting Ruby down, somehow.

With a sigh, she hit the speed dial on the phone and listened to it ring, though not for long. It was almost as if Ruby were waiting for her call.

“ How did it go? ” she asked, and Belle didn’t miss the eager tone in Ruby’s voice.

“Not good, I’m afraid,” she said with a sigh, “The mayor… well… she wasn’t into the idea of the old library being reopened I guess. She pretty much said a flat out no.”

“ Pretty much? ” Ruby asked.

“Well, all right,” Belle confessed with a sigh, “The minute I walked into her office, she said no.”

“ Just like that? ”

“Yes. Just like that.” Belle felt her lower lip wobble a little bit, as she asked, “You don’t think…”

“ Belle, honey, ” Ruby said after a moment, “ You have to stop thinking that just because the idiots in Boston decided to let you go because of your hospital stay, ” Belle winced at Ruby’s attempt to be subtle, “ that it’s going to be the same with everyone. ”

“Then explain to me why Mayor Mills said a flat out ‘no’ the minute she saw my face and read my name on the letter I’d sent to her.” Belle’s voice held an edge.

Ruby sighed. “ I can’t. ”

Belle sighed too, and said, “I know I promised I was going to get all of those books out of your hair, but until I find a place--”

“ Don’t worry about that now, ” Ruby told her, “ If that place really is a bust, then come home. We’ll figure something out, but Belle…? ”

“Hmm?” Belle said absently, starting to feel a chill in the air as the day marched on towards evening.

“ I know your dream is to run a little place, where everything can be personal and you feel as if you matter, but… ” Belle heard her swallow a little before she finished, “ maybe it’s just not the right time. ”

“I’ll see,” Belle said, feeling the worry and the anger just seeping away into something like tiredness. “The next bus isn’t until tomorrow though, so whatever, I’m stuck here overnight. I’ll have to see about getting a room at the bed and breakfast here… Granny’s or something it’s called.”

“ Seriously ?” Belle could hear Ruby’s raised eyebrow even through the phone, “Just where is this Storybrooke of yours. ”

“Maine, I told you,” Belle said. “And it’s not mine. If it were, I’d damn well open a library myself and damn the mayor.”

“ All right, ” Ruby said, “ Just call me to let me know you’re settled and safe. ”

“I will,” she promised, but her mind was already racing around the words she’s just spoken to Ruby. What if she could find some way to open a library here by herself. Maybe a mobile library, if the town wouldn’t even let her rent the building. Surely they couldn’t object to that. She smiled, feeling happier than she had since her meeting with the mayor; feeling a sense of hope, if not confident determinations. To Ruby she said, “I’ll let you know what’s going on; call you before bed.”

The two women exchanged pleasantries before each hanging up, and Belle pulled her coat more tightly around her, and then began to make her way back toward the center of town, where she would enquire at Granny’s as to the availability of a room - at least for the night - and perhaps, if things went well, longer.

Several minutes later, she pushed open the door of the diner, allowing the warmth to envelop her and chase away the chill. The establishment was fairly full, and the mix of patrons was encouraging to Belle, as she let her thoughts again draw her back to the possibility of serving the people of this town as their librarian.

One of those patrons looked over to where she was standing. He was a stoutly built man, with a full, graying beard and a stern expression, but when he saw her, his eyes flashed what looked like amusement, perhaps even admiration and he called out to her, “Right on, Sister!”

She frowned in confusion, but he had already turned his attention back to his companions, men of a similar age and build, who were all now leaning conspiratorially toward one another, as the man who’d spoken seemed to be telling some kind of tale. She caught only snatches of the conversation, and heard words like, “gold” and “medicine” and she couldn’t help but wonder what it was they were saying.

“What can I get you?”

A stern, but kindly voice, which, as she turned and looked at the own of said voice, she could see matched the elderly lady entirely, interrupted her musings, and Belle offered a smile, and said, “I… am looking for the proprietor of the Bed and Breakfast.”

“Well,” the woman folded her arms, “You’ve found her. I’m Granny, at least that’s what most folks around here call me.”

“Wonderful,” Belle beamed, and Granny raised an eyebrow. “Then would it be possible for me to get a room? And perhaps also something to eat.”

The stern quality of Granny’s face left it, and her expression softened, and for no reason that she could explain, Belle found herself thinking of Ruby.

“Find yourself a seat, and I’ll have one of the girls take your order,” Granny said, “We can see to the room once you’ve warmed yourself, and have some good food inside you. We don’t get many visitors to Storybrooke, so we'd best look after the ones we do get.”

“Oh, please, you don’t have to go to any trouble on my account,” Belle said, and Granny tsked and shook her head, as if she had just said the most ridiculous thing in the world. As Granny started to turn away, Belle said, “One more thing, do you know if there’s anyone in town that might know of any vehicles for sale? Something a little bit larger than a car though, really, more like a van or something.”

Granny’s face creased in thought. “Can’t say that I do,” she said, “But you might try Michael over at Marine Garage. If anyone would know, he would.”

“Thank you,” Belle said, and Granny nodded, leaving Belle to make her way to a booth in the corner of the diner, where he could lose herself in her daydreams, and in her book while she waited for her order to be taken and the food to come.

As she sat down, she noticed that someone had left a newspaper on the seat, The Storybrooke Mirror . Belle picked it up, and skimmed her eyes across the front page, reading headlines and bylines typical of a small town rag. On a hunch, she turned to the classified section of the paper, letting her eyes run over the various listings of items for sale, employment vacancies, and the few - very few - properties for rent… but then, nestled in the middle of a crowded column, as if trying to hide itself in plain sight a short, three-line ad caught her attention.

“Van for Sale,” it began. “Good condition, reasonable price for quick sale.” and on the last line, the name and telephone number of the contact, a Mister Moe French. She felt herself frown again, unable to shake the sense of coincidence that just when she was thinking of such a thing, she should find a classified listing for exactly what she wanted.

One of Granny’s girls arrived at her side ready to take her order, and Belle realized that she’d spent so much time looking at the newspaper that she hadn’t even looked at the menu.

“Oh, I er… sorry,” she said, “Got sidetracked.”

“Maybe I can get you something to drink while you decide,” the young lady said with a smile.

“Actually, that would be great.” Belle answered. “Maybe some tea?” and then added, “And… can you tell me who this is?” She held up the paper, and the girl peered at the ad beside her finger.

“Moe French,” she said with a shrug, “Runs the florist shop, Game of Thorns.”

“Thank you,” Belle said, and carefully folded the newspaper so that she could see the ad staring up at her as she picked up the menu to decide on something to eat. She also decided then and there that first thing in the morning, she would call Mister French and find out the full details of the van he wanted to sell.

#rumbelle #ouat #peacehopeandrats #fic #eventual smut

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iwriteficsandtragedies · 5 years

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Blue Moon

Warnings: Smut, 18+ only please. Tumblr makes everything look like a tire fire.

Request: Leroy Sane smut where you’ve been dating for a couple months but finally decide to take it to the next level but you’re kind of shy

___________________________________________

You’re on the edge of your seat, feeling like you’re going to throw up from excitement and nervousness. They’re so close. They’re so close! Ten minutes are all that stands between City and victory. Leroy hasn’t scored yet but he’s come close, and your heart rises and falls in your throat every time he touches the ball. Nine minutes... they can hold them off for nine more minutes....

An entire lifetime of watching football and you somehow still forget about extra time. You’re not sure you’ll survive another three minutes. You rock back and forth, chewing your lip raw, chanting under your breath. Come on boys, come on boys, come on come on come on. Your knuckles are white around the lip of the seat until that knob of a referee finally whistles for full time and you can breathe again, hugging everyone around you as the stadium swells with deafening noise. They’ve done it! Another ninety minutes stand between them and the title, but winning their last home game of the season feels pretty damn good.

You wave to Leroy from your seat, and he blows kisses to you. Some of the kids are running onto the field for a lap around the pitch, tradition for the last home game, but you gather your things to leave. It’s your own tradition to meet Leroy back at his flat after the game, away from photographers and gossips, and it’s not like you’ve got children to bring down to the pitch anyway. Besides, you have a surprise for him.

Your last relationship ended so badly you’d sworn off men forever. That had, of course, lasted until the night you met Leroy. But you’ve taken things slowly - very slowly. More than once your friends have warned you that he’ll get tired of waiting and either leave you or cheat. But you’ve never worried about that. Leroy is a good man, a patient man, and he’s never pushed you for anything. Tonight, though. Tonight you’re ready.

The pale blue lingerie is pretty, but you’re not sure if it’s sexy. You’re spinning in front of his bedroom mirror, wondering if you’ve made the right choice, when Leroy bangs in the front door, singing “Blue Moon” at the top of his lungs.

“YOU SAW ME STANDING ALOOOONE, WITHOUT A DREAM IN MY HEEEART, WITHOUT A LOVE OF MY OOOWN! BABE!” You grin at your own reflection. You look cute as hell, and your man is flying high on a win. “BAAABE! Babygirl where are you?!?”

“In here!”

You kneel quickly on his bed, and when he comes through the door and sees you all he says is “Woah.” He’s stopped just over the threshold, staring open-mouthed. “Woah,” he repeats himself.

“You like it?”

You see his Adam’s apple bob. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” His eyes drop to look you over. “Is that for me?”

“If you want it.” You try to sound flirty. You’re not totally confident but he’s looking at you like you’re an entire meal.

“If I want it? Babygirl.” He starts stripping off his jacket and shirt as he crosses to you. “You look... you look incredible. Damn.” He runs his tongue over his bottom lip. “Can I?” He fingers a bit of satin between his fingers.

“You don’t have to ask permission to touch me, Leroy.” You giggle nervously. It’s not like you’ve never been with a man, but this feels different. “Look.” You pull on a ribbon and part of the sheer garment comes loose. “Think you can manage the rest?”

His fingers are slow but sure of themselves as he delicately unties the lacy thing. His eyes are flickering between your face and your body, hums of appreciation in his throat as more of you is exposed. You run your hands over his arms as he goes and when all that’s left is your panties, so skimpy they can barely be called clothing, he stops to press his lips to yours in a fervent kiss. His hands spread over your body as he pulls you against him, his kiss needy. “You’re sure,” he murmurs, fidgeting with the ribbon tie of your panties.

“Yes,” you say, smoothing your hands over his chest and around his neck. “Now get these off, please.” You tug on the waistband of his jeans and smile as he eagerly pushes his remaining clothing down his legs, stumbling a bit when he kicks off his shoes but recovering to take you by the waist to bring you to him for another kiss.

“How do you feel?” He’s quiet, his fingers dancing over your skin.

You trail your lips over his collarbone and up the soft skin of his neck. Your pulse is racing, your panties dampening as he caresses you. “Ready.”

“Oh?” His hand travels to the inside of your thigh and he slips a single finger under the hem of the lace. Your fingers sink into his shoulders, your breathing quickening as he parts your lips to brush against the arousal dripping from you. “Babygirl,” he groans, and when he pushes his finger into you, you tighten against him with a whimper. He eases his finger gently out to rub leisurely circles over your clit.

“Leroy,” you whisper, wrapping your arms around him to press your face into his neck. You’ve always associated his scent with a kind of comfort, but now, as you breathe him in while his fingers deftly work you to your peak, the way he smells sparks a whole new feeling of lust inside you. You can’t believe you waited this long to let him touch you like this. You can’t believe how quickly he’s got you coming apart.

His arm circles around your waist, his free hand spread over your butt. Your stomach is tightening and your arms are clenched around his neck, your breath coming in shallow pants. “Leroy, baby.” Your voice is nearly inaudible but he holds you tighter, his fingers moving quickly over your clit until the tension building within you cracks and you’re crying out against his neck, powerful waves coursing through you as your climax takes over.

Leroy lovingly kisses your neck, his arms around your waist as his lips trail over your skin while you slowly regain your senses. You haven’t had an orgasm like that since... well, you can’t even remember. You let out a small laugh.

“What?” Leroy’s lips are still on your skin, moving over your shoulder.

“My legs are shaking,” you giggle. “You’ve left me weak in the knees, baby.”

He laughs with you, raising his head level with yours for a tender kiss. His full lips are soft, but with his body pressed to yours you can feel he is painfully hard. You lower your hand to tentatively stroke him. You’re slightly unsure of yourself, but his hips push forward into your touch and his hold on you tightens as he deepens the kiss, his tongue rolling against yours and a low moan rumbling in his chest.

“Are you ready,” he asks in a hushed tone, and you nod, pulling away from him to move yourself up the bed. He follows, his lips on yours as he crawls over your body. While he digs in his nightstand for a condom, you untie the ribbons of your panties to toss them aside. You watch him roll the condom on and try to focus on the way he’s looking at you, his gaze loving and his hands gentle on your body as he lowers himself over you.

“Are you sure,” he asks again. He cups a hand to your cheek to look you in the eyes. “We don’t have to.”

You respond by gripping his shaft in your hand and pulling him to you with your legs, guiding him into you as you meet his lips in a heated kiss. He sinks into you and you let out a small yelp against his mouth. Shit, it’s been a long time. He stills, his weight on one arm while the other hand splays over your chest. “We can stop,” he murmurs. “It’s OK.” He’s rutting against you, moving just enough to make you crave more.

“Leroy,” you retort. “Shutup.” You push up into him and that’s all it takes for him to take control. He plunges into you, every snap of his hips earning him a high-pitched whine from you. You’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel full like this, to have this itch scratched, and when he presses his thumb to your clit again the sensations that spread over your body send stars across your vision. If you could, you would laugh at how quickly he can make you come.

“Leroy,” you manage to gasp. “Le-” Your voice catches in your throat as his thrusts get heavier. You’re so close to coming undone again, your body wound tight beneath his as he slams into you. “Fu... Leroy...”

“I’m here, baby.” His voice is in your ear, his scent surrounding you. “Come for me, baby.” He covers your mouth with his in a warm, wet kiss and you cry out against his lips as a second orgasm overtakes you. Your body goes taut and releases, your hips rolling desperately against him as relief floods through you and your breath coming in quiet sobs.

“Shit, babygirl, you’re so beautiful, you’re so fucking beautiful.” Leroy hooks one arm under your knee and pushes deeper into you, your walls still pulsing around him as the remnants of your release fade away. You can do nothing but cling to him as he pounds into you until with a final thrust he’s growling loudly with his own climax. “Babygirl,” he breathes against your neck. “Holy shit.”

Your arms are around his shoulders. The two of you are almost breathing in sync, your chests rising and falling dramatically as you suck in wind. When he finds the strength to rise up to get rid of the condom, the sudden lack of warmth and weight over you is jarring. “Get back here,” you laugh.

“Oh now you’ve let me in your pants you get to order me around?” He slides back into bed and you playfully swat at him, but he catches your arm and pulls you snugly to him, your head resting on his chest.

“I shouldn’t have made you wait that long.” You scratch your nails lightly over his chest. “I was missing out.”

He presses a kiss to the top of your head. “You didn’t ‘make’ me do anything. And you were worth the wait.”

You nuzzle into him. “I’m proud of you, by the way. For today. Well done.”

“Thanks, baby.” He yawns, loudly, stroking a hand absentmindedly over your back. “So I don’t have to pretend to not have morning wood anymore, right?” You look up at him. His eyes are closed, but he’s smiling. The twerp.

“Guess you’ll find out in the morning.”

His smile widens, and his arm tightens around you. “Oh yeah. You were so worth the wait.”

#yeah i know the title's cheesy come at me bro #leroy sane #leroy sane fic #leroy sane one shot #leroy sane fanfiction #manchester city fic #germany nt fic #footballer one shot #football one shot #football imagine #footballer fic #football fic #this fic kicked my ass idk why #please tell me it doesn't suck #request

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ao3feed-yurionice · 6 years

Text

won't you (stay with me)

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2Ow9XD4

by cookiebutt

Yuuri and Viktor are getting married. Yurio and Otabek are the wedding planners. Very long very fluffy wedding scene that took four hours to write.

Excerpt: “Weren’t you supposed to be arranging flowers?” Yurio asked, scowling at his boyfriend and arranging his hair in front of his face to hide his blush.

“Victor got distracted.” Yurio grumbled, but he didn’t resist Otabek setting the flower crown on his head with a featherlight touch and a chaste kiss on the forehead.

“Get a room,” Victor and Yuuri hooted at the same time, high-fiving each other.

ONESHOT

Words: 4455, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi

Characters: Otabek Altin, Otabek Altin's Coach, Yuri Plisetsky, Yakov Feltsman, Victor Nikiforov, Katsuki Yuuri, Nishigori Yuuko, Nishigori Takeshi, Phichit Chulanont, Mila Babicheva, Minami Kenjirou, Leo de la Iglesia, Jean-Jacques Leroy, Makkachin (Yuri!!! on Ice), Katsuki Toshiya, Celestino Cialdini, Christophe Giacometti, Potya | Puma Tiger Scorpion

Relationships: Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky, Otabek Altin & Yuri Plisetsky, Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Katsuki Yuuri & Victor Nikiforov, Phichit Chulanont & Katsuki Yuuri, Nishigori Takeshi/Nishigori Yuuko, Katsuki Yuuri & Minami Kenjirou

Additional Tags: Weddings, Wedding Fluff, Wedding Planning, Wedding Night, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Wedding Rings, Alternate Universe - Wedding Planner, Fluff, No Smut, No Sex, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Established Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, Yuri Plisetsky's Nickname Is Yurio, Bottom Yuri Plisetsky, Top Otabek Altin, Chicken Nugget Minami Kenjirou, Christophe Giacometti is a Good Friend, Phichit Chulanont is a Little Shit, Phichit Chulanont Is a Good Friend, Yakov Feltsman Is So Done, Makkachin Lives, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, Fluffy Ending, No Angst, This Is STUPID, Age Difference, What Was I Thinking?, Welcome to the Madness (Yuri!!! on Ice), Established Relationship, Fuckin' Fluffy Mondays, Sorry Not Sorry, Safe Sane and Consensual, Implied Sexual Content, Flower Crowns, Late Night Conversations, Other Additional Tags to Be Added

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2Ow9XD4

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #yuri on ice

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ao3feed-victuuri · 6 years

Text

won't you (stay with me)

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2Ow9XD4

by cookiebutt

Yuuri and Viktor are getting married. Yurio and Otabek are the wedding planners. Very long very fluffy wedding scene that took four hours to write.

Excerpt: “Weren’t you supposed to be arranging flowers?” Yurio asked, scowling at his boyfriend and arranging his hair in front of his face to hide his blush.

“Victor got distracted.” Yurio grumbled, but he didn’t resist Otabek setting the flower crown on his head with a featherlight touch and a chaste kiss on the forehead.

“Get a room,” Victor and Yuuri hooted at the same time, high-fiving each other.

ONESHOT

Words: 4455, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2Ow9XD4

#ao3feed #fanfic #victuuri #victor nikiforov #katsuki yuuri #yuri!!! on ice #yuri on ice #yoi

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travellvogue · 5 years

Note

Being best friends with leroy until he sends you a text that was actually meant for some random girl he’s fucking which just says ‘let me taste that pussy’ Are you going or....

i mean... i wouldn’t say no...

and your just texting back a ‘👀’ not knowing what the hell to say, and he sees your reply and fuck that wasn’t meant for you but he’s so glad he accidentally sent it cose he wouldn’t mind being face first in your pussy, so he’s texting you to get that pretty little ass over to his right now

#leroy sane #leroy sane smut #leroy sane blurb

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nuestraluzdelaluna · 3 years

Note

1 from the kinktober with sané please?

kinktober day one

genre: smut

pairing: leroy sané x female reader

warnings: ice play, degradation, unprotected sex in a relationship, creampie, choking, sir kink, blindfolding, hand cuffs, breeding kink

It was not supposed to be this hot at this time, in fact you hated the way you felt at this very moment. Normally you would be wrapped into a fuzzy blanket, mug of tea in your hand as you watched your first helloween movie. However your boyfriend had other plans and that cheeky smile of his could convince you to anything, so here you were on the first of october sitting in a sauna that seemed to almost melt you.

‘When are we done?’ you whined, getting more annoyed by the second however your boyfriend didn’t seem to mind the sweat dripping down his face at all. But the unbearable heat that crept up your body somehow made you obvlivious to everything around you, oblivious to leroy’s toned chest that was right infront of you and even more oblivious to the annoyed look on his face. An look that would have told you everything you needed to know.

━━━━━━

‘You can be really annoying sometimes’ leroy hissed as his fingers wrapped themselves around your wrist, dragging you out of the tiny room, your robe being left on the wooden bench. His grip around your wrist getting tighter with every step he took as he lead you up to your shared bedroom.

‘Lay down and wait till i come back ok?’ he gently pushed you onto the bed, his smirk being the last thing you saw before complete blackness covered your eyes. You felt your boyfriends hands run up your sides before he took ahold of your hands and pushed them over your head, cold metal trapping them against the bed frame.

The longer you waited for leroy come back the wetter you felt yourself become. The imagination of how you must have looked at this moment, naked, blindfolded and cuffed to the bed made you feel humiliated but turned on at the same time.

‘Look at you listening like a good little slut’ you jumped at your boyfriends voice as he spoke directly next to your ear.

‘Now be good and let me cool you down’ he whispered and you felt the weight of his body over you. His hand gently brushed a strand of hair out of your face before pressing his lips to the skin of you neck. The sudden cool sensation against your skin made you shudder, a shudder that was soon interrupted by a long moan as leroy reached your nipples.

Circling the ice cube over the hard bud you tugged on the handcuffs, trying desperately to get your hands out of the metal and bury them in your boyfriends hair. His lips brushed over the soft skin of your boobs, chuckling deeply as he noticed how hard your hips were grinding up into him.

‘You look like a desperate slut so why don’t i treat you like one huh’ he groaned before pushing into you. Stilling for a few minutes he gave you time to adjust to his size or more so to tease you, picking another ice cube up and running it over your stomach.

‘Move please sir’ you moaned as you felt leroy slowly start to thrust into your warmth, body rocking with each hard snap of his hips. His hand removed itself from your hip and snaked up your body to wrap itself tightly around your neck.

‘I need to cum, please can i cum sir’ you begged, looking up at leroy with big eyes. And with those eyes and the way your pussy clamped around his length he couldn’t resist you.

‘Already? Pathetic’ he chuckled ‘but let me tell you what, this slutty pussy is so good i think i just need to fill it up’ hand tightening around you neck, thrusts speeding up and his groans getting louder.

‘Gonna put a baby inside you, you want that?’ he groaned before stilling his hips, spilling his seed inside you as you clenched around his length. His forehead came down to rest against yours before he pressed small kisses all over your face.

━━━━━━

‘You did so good my angel’

#kinktober #leroy sane #leroy sane smut #leroy sane imagine #leroy sane blurb #leroy sane drabble #leroy sane reaction

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nuestraluzdelaluna · 4 years

Note

okay giiirl, but since you’re writing a lot “nsfw alphabet” on lots of footballers, could you write it also on Leroy Sane? PLEASEEE 🥰🥰❤️

Leroy Sané NSFW Alphabet:

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ smut　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Caring, he will definitely make sure that you’re alright. Looking all over you body for possible marks. After that he will either lay his head in your lap or pull you in his arms and just cuddle.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

On himself leroy likes, his back. He loves to see how the scratches you leave behind compliment his tattoo.

On you his favorite body part are your lips. Always stealing kisses and loving how your lips feel on his. Especially loving it how sweetly you drag them up and down his neck, leaving a few marks.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

If possible he will cum on/in your mouth, enjoying the contrast of your innocent lips covered in his seed. If it’s only a quickie he will cum inside you.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of them)

He loves to see his dick form a bulge in your throat, nothing boosting his ego more than seeing how big he is compared to you.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

He is very experienced and knows exactly what he’s doing. Always looking out for your pleasure first and making you feel good.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

He honestly loves all of them, thinking that your body looks stunning in every single one. If he had to choose it would probably missionary with your legs over his shoulders, reaching places you didn’t know were reachable.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

He’s kinda goofy, trying to make you laugh but at the same time trying to give you the best time of your life and as much pleasure as possible.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He will have a little happy trail leading to what’s inside his boxers but besides that he’s pretty groomed most of the times.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

He is very romantic, always telling you how much he loves you and how good you feel.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Leroy only jacks off if necessary, he would much rather wait to have you around his dick again.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Marking - not in obvious places but leroy loves to see marks of love on either your or his skin. Doesn’t matter if it’s hickeys or scratches from you nails

Degrading - but only in a light way.

“my pretty slut”

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

He prefers to have sex in a private setting. Being able to enjoy your body and moans in all the ways he wants this way.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Kissing his neck/cheek - he loves to feel your lips all over your body this always gets him thinking about how they feel on other parts of his body.

Massages - massage him for a while and you will be met with a hard dick immediately.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Pain. Whether it’s on you or on him he doesn’t like it.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Leroy loves to feel your lips trace the veins on his dick. Seeing you gag around him, eyes watering, spit mixing with his cum. He especially enjoys swing his cup on you lips.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

He’s rather fast but precise. Always hitting the right spots and making you scream.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Leroy doesn’t enjoy quickies, he needs his time to explore you body and make you cum at least two times.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He’s not really willing to take the risk of being caught somewhere. However as soon as you mention you want to try something in the bed he’s down to experiment.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Have you seen him on the pitch? He doesn’t get tired quickly and a round will last about 30 minutes with all the foreplay you guys put into it.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He doesn’t own toys of his own, leroy will however enjoy seeing you use some on yourself.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He is a big tease, always making you wait for your orgasms however when he allows you to come it’s mind blowing.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Leroy is always groaning and moaning, not being able to hold it back with how good you feel.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

He doesn’t like people touching his hair, with you however he loves feeling your fingers grip and tug on it.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

A bit above average, always making you feel good.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Not that high, because one session goes so long. However he definitely wants sex about every second day.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

If he is able to lay his head on you chest and hear your heartbeat, feeling you stroke the back of his neck he’s gone immediately.

#leroy sane #leroy sane imagine #leroy sane smut #leroy sane blurb #football blurb #football imagine #football smut

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