#legit the reason I was on hiatus for so long is because of money struggles

[kozidraws]

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[clairelutra]

a fic year in review

meme stolen from @isadorator! ty as always~

this was the year i did get your words out. i signed up to write 150k words of anything over the course of the year, ~400 words/day, ~12k words/month.

i didn’t manage to make that w/c in half the time like i wanted, but i did get it by october, which, like? still bamf :D and 200k for the whole year! only 133k of which was published, but still!!

January

sun protection (shuann, oneshot)

the month of motivation!! and 0 results because i was hitting peak anxiety re: my writing, what i was allowed to write, etc etc etc. i got better but it wasn’t in january, that’s for sure lol.

February

child’s play (gen, abandoned)

taste testing (shuann, oneshot)

we’re here to steal your bride (gen, abandoned)

attempting to find a rhythm that worked and not quiiiite finding it, sort of floundering through it all—i hadn’t really dragged anyone in with me yet and i was suuuuuffering.

i can’t remember precisely, but i think this was when i decided to declare a hiatus. no posting for me for a while to get the long-running panic attack under control.

March

the one and only month i managed to really and truly stick to the hiatus thing. also the month(?) that @sixsaltysweets jumped in after me, and fandom things with a friend made everything better. ♥♥♥

April

dirty money (shuann, pwp)

absolute territory (shuann, pwp)

aka the month i kind of lost patience and started posting again, just to arcanawildcard instead of anything to do with clairelutra, because crippling anxiety is a biiiiitch.

also the month i started lovers confidant: world famous model (aka, the babysitter au).

May

may, the month of continuing to wrangle with the babysitter au, which is my pride and joy and magnum opus.

June

Lovers Confidant: World Famous Model (shuann, complete multichapter)

the month of finishing babysitter au! my precious... my preeeeecious....

legit tho, this was a huge confidence booster. two hellish months of Work and this fic was my bouldy through it all. i’m still ridiculously proud of it—on a technical level it’s some of the best work i’ve ever done.

hilariously, i was stalking fail_fandomanon on DW and decided to jump in on one of the fic exchanges there, and someone?? took offense to the way i worded my signup?? and left me a fic comment purely to tell me to change it because the only contact information i had up was my ao3, which. dude. dude.

July

candyman (good clean fun) (akira/everyone, drabble collection)

ash blonde (ffxv ignoct, oneshot)

assisted negotiations (ffxv noctis/everyone; aranoct; noctis&prompto, oneshot)

the month i started lockdown infiltration, brushed off a few old projects, punch-boxed my sense of shame, and did my exchange piece.

originally i was planning to write something in response to the ffa wank, but it proved to be too high a hurdle for me, and i gave up.

August

the night belongs to... (ffxv lunoct, pwp)

detangler (my girlfriend is a t-rex yuuma/churio, oneshot)

simple aims (shuann, oneshot)

picked up a pinch hit for an exchange, did a request, finished up a prompt from the ffxv kink meme... not in that order lol.

most of what i was writing was, again, lockdown infiltration. dedication!! i was showing it!!

September

more lockdown infiltration, because by jove, i was going to finish this fic.

October

the perfect 10 (shuann, oneshot)

yep yep yep more lockdown infiltration. now with a soulmate au request to oil the brain hinges! the first soulmate au i’ve ever played totally straight, i think. twas much fun.

GOD THIS SHIP GIVES ME SO MANY FEELS.

November

lockdown infiltration (shuann, completed multichapter)

MY WORK. MY LOVE. MY BABY. C O M P L E T E. i think i hit stockholm syndrome with this fic at some point lol, by the end of it i was almost sad to see it go, no matter how much i loathed writing it at times.

i’m still not totally sold on its quality, but at the same time, i do see why it’s my most popular p5 fic. the concept and chemistry of the shady cop (akira) and noble thief (ann) was just... so good? LIKE. i get that joker is joker, but ann’s naturally trusting nature and akira’s eternal desire to stick it to the man gives them a very good reason to want to talk to each other, even without a plot to help them along.

THEY JUST HAVE AMAZING CHEMISTRY OKAY.

incidentally, around september was when i fiiiinally started to feel Good about my characterization of both of them and how they clicked as a couple and now i am lost to this ship f o r e v e r.

December

in turbidus veritas (shuann, oneshot)

boyfriend material (shuann, incomplete multichapter)

nice shirt. what’s it made of? (shuann, pwp—need to read boyfriend material first)

the bitter pill (shuann, oneshot)

so i started boyfriend material in november and put down like 16k for it in a couple of weeks before i completely crashed and struggled through the next few parts. 

the pwp spinoff was inspired by a comment on the original that just needed to be done justice and i have zero (0) regrets.

Total Year’s Output: 133,601! i didn’t quite manage to post all those 200k words, but 2/3rds ain’t bad.

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?

y’know? i really don’t know. the whole beginning of the year is kinda... lost to the fog. i was still trying to figure out what was wrong with me and coming up with 326492387 reasons and trying to tackle each one as it came up and i was still loosing weeks on end to the apathetic sleep, so;;;

I’M BETTER NOW AND IT’S GREAT,

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January 2019?

i 100% never predicted that i would finish a multichapter. and now? i’ve finished two :D :D :D

What’s your favourite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest.

THAT is a good question. i’m absolutely most proud of Lovers Confidant: Wold Famous Model, but boyfriend material might be the only multichapter i’d go back and reread of my own volition. it’s a tossup.

(as for oneshots, i still really like absolute territory. first and best accomplishments in cunnilingus!)

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year?

win gywo again (signups are open until january 15th, by the way!!)

finish boyfriend material (13 chapters to go (9′-’)9)

write through a velvet room attendant!ann alternate lovers confidant fic

write through a marichat-inspired alternate lovers confidant

find a good pace for requests.

leave and fill one prompt every month for the ffxv kink meme

publish 150k to ao3, regardless of when the fic was written (there’s one fic that i put down 17k for in like march looool. if i’d published that i’d have hit that number this year)

it’ll be a full (and hopefully fun) year :D

[thiswasasuperterribleidea]

I’m baaack!

And I know I’ve said this before, but this time I am “back back” like, “big mad”…but “big back”, so I am “BIG mad, and BIG back”.

The only reason I ever took my little blogging hiatus was because some stuff went down, and I promised Darren I wouldn’t let strangers in on his life choices and share and blog about it…. But then I opened my big ass mouth, broke my promise and told actual real life humans what was going on… and now he hates me for a handful of reasons soooo FUCK IT, HERE’S THE TEA!!!! (PS-Sorry for acting as if you aren’t real life humans…. You know you’re my virtual fam for life)

So while you were all out enjoying your holidays, and I was remaining silent.. I was busy having really, REALLY hot breakup sex. The kind where you can barely make it up the stairs without ripping eachother’s clothes off, driving 30 minutes away at midnight for a quickie, and fucking in the kitchen before making it to the couch or bed..,. yeah it was THAT hot.

And yet here I am, after all that hot and dying for more sex… currently eternally blocked…  for the second and fair enough… probably final time… I’m calling it my third breakup…. WITH THE SAME DUDE.

So of course me and Darren have broken up way more than 3 times. But here’s the logic I have recently created. (Which is obviously very illogical, along with almost all of my thoughts).  I never once accepted our breaking up.  Legit until about a month ago when he brought some new broad around in public and I had to watch them check into a hotel room directly next to mine, and black out and sleep with a pillow over my ears so I didn’t hear them fucking through the hotels paper thin walls…. *takes massive gasp for air after that run on sentence * That did it for me TBH.  I think that would do it for anyone TBH. But I like to think that I almost accepted him breaking up with me one time prior... Back in May –ish when I was essentially kicked out on the mean streets and living with my Nonny, Darren dumped me for what iiiii personally consider to be the first time. (He’ll for sure say it was probably the 50th time). I was so devastated, I decided I’d go out and buy a Louis Vuitton bag cause it made me feel like a boss ass bitch.  It legit made me feel sooo good though. Like I was still shopping around the mall after, and store employees and other shoppers were having me unpack the bag and pose with the bag showing them which one I got. I was strutting around Nordstrom like the boujee girl that I am while everyone “oooed and ah-ed”. It was as close as I was to being famous before this blog. (Still not close to being famous lol)  Thennnn, the other day I decided no break up can be deemed a breakup until a new Louis Vuitton is purchased. SO. Here we are, the first step in recovery… ACCEPTANCE.  While I bought hundreds of other things when Darren broke up with me at the end of August, I didn’t buy a Louis.  So now that I’m making dumb money at my job, I decided I’d backtrack and make all these breakups official. So in May I bought my first child.. and today I bought my second and third. So I had bought brown leather in May, so now it’s time for a white bag to make up for the August break up. But let’s be real. We broke up in August, but it was NOT cold turkey. Darren loves telling me “WE BROKE UP 6 MONTHS AGO YOU OBSESSIVE FUCKING WEIRDO” But let me just say, breaking up 6 months ago and having breakup sex on Christmas is not exactly a 6 month old breakup…SO third breakup is right now, present day, and I of course think I deserve another bag for that too! So I bought myself a Louis clutch as well. (Which is really the only thing I intended to buy in the first place… but I’ve been listening to my girl Ariana Grande too much lately, and 7 Rings is a verrrry dangerous song . SO therefore I was over inspired  to buy them both). And now. I have accepted my three breakups, the third of which I completely created on my own to justify retail therapy, and now just like that…I have a realistic mind set on where I’m at.

So let me stop rambling, and explain what you’re actually looking to hear. This part isn’t going to be long. Or funny. Because it’s something I want out of my head, not to talk about but I want you guys to be able to follow my mind. Darren teased me with the idea of trying again. He was very open and honest, and the whole thing was my idea.. but he agreed that if we were to continue hooking up and talk a little here and there, that we could potentially try again. Now he did let me know he was also talking to someone else, that he did have feelings for them, and that he did not have feelings for me. Dope. So my dumbass went forward with opening my legs, and arguing with him over time he spent fucking me but not talking to me. GUYS- we all know go with the flow is not my fucking thing. But the sex was toooo good. Still too good. Like better than any other sex I have had. I’m thinking it hasss to be in my head now. Like I must be ruining other experiences for myself just comparing penises… anyway besides the point. I ruined it by insecure arguing over who he was spending time with instead of me. And now I have no hot breakup sex, or communication with Darren.

But the thing is. I don’t get me... I am doing well. Really well. It’s not a front. It’s not me tricking myself. I do positive things for myself and my mind all of the time and I feel good about them and I am happy. I feel good about myself, my life, where I’m at. But for some reason… I can’t control my other thoughts. It’s like whenever I talk to Darren, (WHICH I SHOULDN’T EVER BE DOING) my mind screams out, “TELL HIM HOW SAD YOU ARE, LET YOUR DESPARTE OUT, TELL HIM HOW IN LOVE WITH HIM YOU ARE” As if my mind thinks that’s doing myself a favor, or telling him what he wants to hear.. when I know it isn’t. So let me brag to all of you people, and maybe it’ll help you guys. So here’s some more classic advice from your emotionally unstable girl.

I meditate before going to bed, and first thing in the morning. Instead of waking up and texting Darren to see if I am unblocked, or to continue an argument…. I do a 5 minute meditation. Insecurity was always something I struggled with, so I wake up and tell myself things I like about myself. It doesn’t matter if anyone else likes them about me, because what I’ve been working on is falling in love with myself. Sometimes it’s my appearance.. like my eyebrows are on fucking point. Or …my life may not be perfect, buy my eyelashes always are!!!  Or I remind myself of the freckles on my nose that I always make sure I don’t cover up with my concealer. Or my smile with my big white teeth, and disappearing top lip. I make sure to look in the mirror and be happy with what I have and to not get down on myself and pick out everything I see is wrong. Darren was a pro at comparing me to anyone else. Like how this new girl is a dime, and I am just kind of cute and that’s all I’ll ever be. What the fuck, right??? Sometimes it’s not my appearance at all… it’s how big my heart is. How despite what people have put me through, I still try to see the best in them and not let their nasty traits or actions be what I judge them for. It’s my vulnerability, that makes me a good human. Or the fact that I am good at my job. Dwight was a good mentor to me, Darren helped me from time to time. But now this is me. Or even the little details about me like how I close my eyes and lift my feet and make wishes over railroad tracks. (I NEED AT LEAST ONE OF YOU TO TELL ME YOU’VE HEARD OF THAT BEFORE BY THE WAY). I am a hopeless romantic and I love it. I am an awesome fucking person.

I started karate classes again! (I know weird flex, right?)

Well I did karate when I was a kid. Like 5 year old kid. I quit when I was 10. I did it with my family friend Zach. I would cry every time I had to go to class. It was because once I reached a certain age, we had to spar . Like put on full head pieces, equipment and fight for points. I was the only girl and I would always spar against Zach who I had a massive little kid crush on because he was like… the only boy I even knew lol. And one night sparing, he punched me in the area of what I still to this day call my non-existent boob. I was so humiliated so I went home cried and quit.

BUT NOWWW . I’m ready to get my black belt bitches. My Sensai and I did the math the other night. I haven’t been to classes in 14 years. 14 FUCKING YEARS, IT’S DAY 1  AND THIS GUY IS WORKING ME LIKE I’M STILL A PURPLE BELT AND CAN REMEMBER SHIT FROM BACK IN THE DAY WHEN I CAN BARELY EVEN REMEMBER WHAT CAR I DROVE HOME TONIGHT. It’s wild. But it’s so good for stress and honestly guys are such perverts that being single I deff need to know self defense on how to fuck a dude up. I’ve has some scary uber drivers.

Uhm uhm uhm what else do I have to report…

I have been talking to this kid. We’ve been out a bunch. He makes me really happy. He listens to me, always is so interested in my day, and is golden retriever innocent. But I’ve been trying to force it more than I should. He’s so sweet and so fun to talk to and hang out with which I love. But I just don’t feel the right sexual chemistry (ironic because he’s a science teacher ) . But like that is such a huge deal to me. Let’s be real … not all girls are comfortable saying they love sex.. But I LOVEEEE sex. No shame. It’s natural. But I am also very cautious of who I am sleeping with. I’ve told you my 3 time rule.  Anyway, the chemistry wasn’t right. And while this 2019 dating world is not something I have really ANY experience with… I decided the next move was “ghosting” . Kind of fucked up huh? I would hate that happening to me. I am such a talker, I need answers so bad. But I mean he wasn’t my boyfriend, we were just talking for a few months, I didn’t have the energy to explain myself and it was so causal like I just didn’t think I needed to. BUT THEN I MADE A ROOKIE MISTAKE. I planned to leave that night and never respond again. But as soon as I got in my car to drive home… I realized I was missing one of my hoop earrings. Mind you this was not just my 17 dollar cheap sterling silver hoop earrings…. This was my SOLID GOLD FAVORITE HOOP EARRING EVER.  I was so mad at myself. Girls literally do shit like this on purpose. They’ll leave earrings , or underwear fucking anything to prove they were there. Whether it be to make sure they have another excuse to talk to the guy again or to show any other girl that there’s someone else in his life too, it’s all an evil plot. BUT NOT ME. How could something like that happen to me by accident?!?! Just my damn luck. So I texted him and asked him to put the earring in his mailbox that way I don’t have to do a walk of shame back to my earring, and he can hopefully take the hint that was that. But no. The hint was not taken. I had to hit him with the classic Dwight line, “It’s not you, and it’s not me”. Lmao I am a bitch. It’s nothing I’m proud of honestly. But I am just truly done looking for anyone. I’m just waiting for my future husband to walk into my branch and rent a car, someone to just fall into my life. I am not searching, and I am not trying. I like being alone anyway. The only thing that I wish I had was someone to just lay with at the end of the night when I’m lonely to talk to about my day. Someone to wake up next to in the morning with their hands all over me making me late for work… Other than that I’m so busy Monday- Friday that I don’t even have time for a boyfriend. I’m finally content.

The only real problem I have is that my mind still races about blowing it with Darren. I have accepted it’s over, but I haven’t been able to cope well with the fact that I completely fucked up the only thing I wanted, which was him. But I have to be careful cause I haven’t calmed down enough for those restraining order threats to stop yet… and I don’t think they are threats any more.  I have to get better control over my emotions.

But now you guys are completely all caught up on my crazy ass life. I hope I didn’t get too boring on y’all. I’ll be back to posting regularly as soon as the next fucked up shit happens. Cause you knowwww there will be something.