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deadcactuswalking · 6 years ago

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 31st March 2019

Yeah, this is quite a bit frickin’ late but I’ve been busy tonight and you got the Beauty of “Doin’ Your Mom” this week anyway so I hope it’s fine that this is pretty late. Anyway, I don’t care, let’s get to the top 10, and this episode might barely get to the minimum word limit; we’ll see.

Top 10

Lewis Capaldi is at the top spot for what I believe is his fifth week with “Someone You Loved” at number-one.

At number-two we still have “Giant” by Calvin Harris and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man as the runner-up.

Tom Walker is up a spot to number-three with “Just You and I”, at a new peak.

I’m surprised that Jonas Brothers have been able to survive increased longevity, as their single “Sucker” moves up a single spot from last week to number-four.

Somehow, Ariana Grande’s “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” is still moving up spaces, one this week to number-five.

Dave’s “Location�� featuring Burna Boy is up two spots to number-six.

We also have a new arrival in the top 10, with “Fashion Week” by Steel Banglez, AJ Tracey and MoStack. It’s producer Steel Banglez’s second top 40 hit and first ever Top 10 hit as a lead artist, AJ Tracey’s fourth top 40 hit and first ever Top 10 hit, as well as MoStack’s fourth top 40 hit and first ever Top 10 hit. Congratulations, guys, but we’ll talk about the song itself later.

LAUV’s “i’m so tired...” with Troye Sivan is up a space to number-eight.

At number nine, we have “Walk Me Home” by P!nk up three spaces to number-nine thanks to the video.

Finally, NSG’s “Options” featuring Tion Wayne is up a single spot to #10.

Climbers

We have three notable climbers this week, all of which are top 20 entries, with “Boasty” by Wiley featuring Idris Elba, Sean Paul and Stefflon Don moving up 11 spaces to #11 and “Here with Me” by Marshmello and CHVRCHES making its way up nine positions to #14. We also have Ava Max with “So Am I”, up 12 spaces from last week’s debut to #18.

Fallers

We have seven fallers and they can be set into three pretty distinct categories. First, we have the songs from Dave’s PSYCHODRAMA gradually making their way out, with “Disaster” featuring J Hus down five positions to #15 and “Streatham” falling eight positions to #22. Then, we have the songs affected by UK chart rules and the streaming cuts that songs with legs typically experience, with “Don’t Call Me Up” by Mabel collapsing down 13 spaces to #16 just as it makes its breakthrough in the US and “7 rings” by Ariana Grande thankfully being completely demolished as it moves down a whopping 22 spaces to #29. Finally, we have the expected yet somewhat premature songs clearing the way for a soon exit, like “Please Me” by Cardi B and Bruno Mars down eight to #25, “Nights Like This” by Kehlani featuring Ty Dolla $ign down five to #33 and “How it Is” by Roddy Ricch, Chip and Yxng Bane featuring the Plug down six to #40 (The faster the better).

Dropouts

We just have four of these this week, with “Juice” by Lizzo sadly making its exit from #38 off the debut, “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” by Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus finally leaving from #36, and two songs that never really took off, “Bally” by Swarmz and Tion Wayne from #40 and “wish you were gay” by Billie Eilish from #39, although the latter will probably rebound thanks to the album impacting next week. There are no returning entries so let’s get straight to the new arrivals—

FEATURED SINGLE

“Free Uzi” – Lil Uzi Vert

Produced by DJ L Beats

It’s weird to put Lil Uzi Vert in this section in particular, but I don’t think this song will ever chart considering Lil Uzi Vert’s main audience is probably using Spotify, and this track is only available through a YouTube video, SoundCloud and I think TIDAL because of course, why not? Anyways, Lil Uzi Vert signed a contract when he was young and offered money by DJ Drama, Don Cannon and their label Generation Now, a subsidiary of Atlantic. To cut it short, and to disregard all the drama (No pun intended) like the leaks, Uzi saying he’s going to retire music and “Wake up back in 2013”, him being cut off of NAV’s album due to label shenanigans, Lil Uzi Vert cannot release music when he wants to and has been revealing this info via depressing Instagram Live streams and to see him so defeated is kind of painful, so when I saw that Uzi released a song called “Free Uzi” I figured it wouldn’t be introspective and would be more of an anthem for young aspiring artists who are being shelved by their label... I now understand that 1.) That’s an incredibly niche market, and 2.) No, the song’s about having sex and shooting people. Using a beat ripped from a G Herbo track from 2012 to express his anger towards the label in the oddest way, using a pitched-up version of his voice (To the point where he kind of sounds like Playboi Carti). This song screams raw Uzi, and is a middle finger to his label by being relatively inaccessible in comparison with what the label would want Uzi to make for a comeback single. It’s got an entirely uncleared sample, an almost complete lack of ad-libs which are otherwise incredibly prominent in Uzi’s discography, a monotonous flow that instead of droning as it’s used for the entire song, becomes a mantra, the lo-fi video by some unknown director which is just Uzi smoking and performing really wacky, cute dances with his friends (And NAV) in a corner store, the very abrupt ending and some of Lil Uzi Vert’s more explicit sexual and violent lyrics, including an outrageous line about Colin Kaepernick – search it up, it’s pretty hilarious. It’s such a vengeance song against his label, and I never expect Uzi to be this furiously stubborn and willing to jankily put together a half-unfinished song just for the sake of making DJ Drama even more panicked. It’s an absolute joy to watch and listen to, and I hope it makes it onto Eternal Atake if that ever comes out. Oh, and:

I still watch Big Bang Theory, that’s the nerd in me

Yeah, no, that line’s inexcusable.

NEW ARRIVALS

#38 – “Pretty Shining People” – George Ezra

Produced by Cam Blackwood – Peaked at #12 in Scotland

So this is the fifth single from George Ezra’s second album Staying at Tamara’s because he can’t stop milking his most mediocre effort yet, and also Ezra’s sixth Top 40 hit overall. The record has been winning awards left and right so I don’t blame him for pushing this single – although it was already pushed a year back with a music video as a promotional single – and at least this song is generally pretty inoffensive, although Ezra’s voice sounds odder here than ever, and has a country twang to it that matches the production but does not fit in the slightest, although immediately it is not nearly as noticeable after just the first verse. Overall, this is actually just kind of a pathetic, plastic folk-pop song with some nice guitar licks in there, sure, and an electric guitar riff that is way too distant in the mix, with the hook being an overwhelming pile of absolute cheese that I haven’t heard since R.E.M.’s “Shiny Happy People”. I do appreciate how it is mostly live instrumentation, and I do love the steady drum beat here, but otherwise I wasn’t impressed the first time and it’s worse now that I know his hit song formula and that this “New” track follows it to an absolute T. It’s not awful, but I’d skip it. Next.

#32 – “Piece of Your Heart” – MEDUZA and Goodboys

Produced by MEDUZA

So, I feel this one needs some backstory. MEDUZA is an up-and-coming DJ collective or EDM producer band from what I can gather, and by up-and-coming I mean they literally have two songs available on their Spotify page, and one of them is a remix, so yes, this is technically the debut single from the Italian dance music band, and Goodboys? Well, it’s their debut single too, I’m pretty sure, as they have nothing except a picture up on their Spotify page. Looking at Genius, I now know that they are a London-based pop trio consisting of three producers and I’m assuming vocalists. Hm, two artists, both with no single released yet, collaborate for their debut single, so the only idea I have to base my expectations off is “EDM”, and yes, I suppose it is, and I actually quite like it, to be completely honest, more of a guilty pleasure – if you think those exist, of course. In reality, this is generic deep house that isn’t really much of a novelty or anything special, at least on the surface. The vocalists from Goodboys have very distinct British accents that make their repetitious hook sound hilarious, and I like the glitchy synths harmonising with the synths before the “Drop”, which, by the way, is one of the dudes from Goodboys vocalising the drop as if he was on that Radio 1 show where DJs have to guess their own drop, and it’s pretty cute if anything. Not only does it replicate the drop, which is nice in itself, but it really gives it a homegrown feel because it sounds like someone trying to sing along to it at home. Oh, and the melodies in the post-chorus are pretty gorgeous, and I love how the drop kicks in the second time with the stray snare before everything. Is it generic? Yes. Is it janky? Yes. Do I still like it? Hell yes. If you like this Loud Luxury brand of house-pop, this might just be for you.

#19 – “Keisha & Becky” – Russ and Tion Wayne

Produced by Gotcha Bxtch

So, when I say Russ, I mean Russ splash, a UK rapper known for his top 10 hit “Gun Lean”, which he lazily interpolates in his second Top 40 hit (and Tion Wayne’s third). I don’t mean the American rapper who everyone hates, and I made this distinction last time. Whilst it’s annoying, it’s separated on both Spotify and Genius as Russ splash so it’s not like it’s going to be confusing to a casual listener. Anyway, this is a song by two UK grime rappers known for faux-dancehall and trap bangers in which they talk about killing people, so how can they pull off trying to make some sort of love song? Well, they don’t. I don’t think I’ve heard a less sexy “Very sexy” in my life. In fact, there’s not really a synth melody to carry this song, just an ambient stock sound in the background with just heavy bass and trap percussion to give it much of a beat and honestly the stark minimalism really works. If you ignore the hook’s existence, Tion Wayne sounds as enthusiastic as ever and I’m starting to really love this dude’s charisma. He has an insane ad-lib that is just a really long screech on here as well, which I think is an explanation in itself to why I like this dude. The first half of the hook is exciting until, well, “Very sexy” (It isn’t), and when Wayne and Russ start trading bars it gets pretty fun, in fact Russ sounds pretty great on the song. His rapid flow and nasal delivery is a perfect fit, but honestly I can’t get over how it’s decidedly unsexy for a song about how Keisha and Becky are “Very sexy”, and makes no effort to be because it’s just a trap song about gang violence and attractive women like they all are, but there’s not really much storytelling to explain who Keisha and Becky are or anything, it’s just that one line that irritates the hell out of me, “Keisha, Becky, very sexy”. Like the rest of the song, it’s so bare minimum that it nearly works, but it still misses the mark for me. Sorry, Wayne, I’m excited to hear your next song, but Russ? He can go away, he’s kind of worthless, but I see some improvement.

#7 – “Fashion Week” – Steel Banglez, AJ Tracey, MoStack

Produced by Steel Banglez and TheElements

What Steel Banglez does is make these who’s-who collaborations between British rappers almost like he’s DJ Khaled, although in this case you can tell Steel Banglez actually co-produced the beat because he does have a signature style, which is trap with a sprinkling of dancehall... so, yeah, he’s a producer who just makes generic beats that everyone else makes, right? Why is he so big? Well, he’s kind of a pioneer, because he was one of the first to combine UK rap, dancehall and pop hooks as well as keeping that ruthlessness and bloodthirsty attitude of British trap, to great success. So, is he any good? Usually, no, he kind of sucks and his style does nothing for me. This one definitely has a Caribbean rhythm that I like but there’s not enough bass to make the beat really hit, and MoStack is an absolutely pathetic rapper who gives one of the worst performances I think I’ve ever heard in UK rap as he mumbles in his offbeat falsetto without a care, with the mix barely even caring enough to keep his vocals audible. Compare it to AJ Tracey, with a strong delivery, odd and urine-related yet actually witty wordplay, multisyllabic rhymes, and he’s on the same song and does the hook. If MoStack wasn’t on this and the beat had some more bass than it does, maybe this could have been serviceable, but especially with the awkward instrumental section, despite me personally liking the strings and AJ Tracey’s verse, I can’t like this as much as I want to.

Conclusion

Wow, not a great week, huh? Well, MEDUZA and Goodboys take away Best of the Week for “Piece of Your Heart”, even though I wouldn’t say it’s exactly great or even all that good. Worst of the Week obviously goes to Steel Banglez, AJ Tracey and MoStack for “Fashion Week”, but nothing else is even notable enough for Honourable or Dishonourable Mention. See ya next week, and free Uzi.

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