#leave request. which she wasnt my friend just had anxiety

[chaelinsbitch]

My friends disregard for my work situations and then her complaining about her own when it's literally not even that serious for her is really starting to piss me off

[qlossytbh]

𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐢𝐝 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐧𝐞 - 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐧 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐧

𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬 working with the BAU team has always been challenging— but your suddenly disrupted by a case that hits close to home and you don’t know how to react when your past starts clawing at you.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 drinking, usual criminal minds content, mentions of dead bodies, mentions of murder, mentions of sexual assault, mentions of anxiety

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 3.7k

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 AHHH so the series has begun. this is based on this lovely request. i’m trying my hardest for things with the UnSub and the case to be as coherent as possible while the storyline progresses, so it’s very important to pay attention to names and your past ;)

𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

"And that is your third drink of the night—" You reached over to Garcia's drink, ripping it from her lips as she tried puckering onto the straw before you could steal her of the drink she had rightfully purchased. Protests flowed out of her as you brought her drink to your own lips, taking a deep sip of the fruity alcoholic beverage, savoring the light flavors in your mouth. "At least share."

"Anyone tell you how boring you can be sometimes?" She slumped herself across the table complaining profusely at your antics.

"All the time actually," You shrugged. "And I'm not boring, I just don’t condone alcoholism."

"Says the one whos about to singlehandly down my drink," She rolled her eyes at the sound of your straw reaching the bottom of the glass with a slurp. You looked at the glass and shrugged your shoulders innocently.

"Oops,"

The whole BAU had finally decided to host another one of these team bonding activity's, and the vast majorty had agreed on hitting a bar that was near the downtown area, Morgan having been the main enthusiast at picking where the bonding would take place.

You thought it'd be fun honestly. It was unusual to see the group in an ambience that wasn't so full of anxiety and tension all the time. Of course, a joke or two would slip around the office, mainly through the jet rides but it was hard to lay back all the time when you were constantly chasing sadists and murderers around.

It had also been a while since you had gotten somewhat dressed up. A simple black squareneck bodysuit and some leather pants wasnt your biggest definition of getting dressed up, but you knew today was casual, so you didnt want to go completely out. You chose to instead settle for a outfit that'd allow you to blend in and some soft curls in your hair.

Everyone was in their own little comfortable bubble, which really allowed you to understand your co-workers and friends better. You watched how JJ and Emily chatted along a few other men on the further side of the bar, laughing at their antics and desperation when it came to obviously impress them. It was funny even from this side of the bar how badly the men were oggling them shamelessly.

Just as you were about to look for Derek, you felt someone clash between you and Garcia. "Well how are the two of the smokiest looking woman in this bar doin'?"

"I was just looking for you," You jabbed him with your elbow as he wrapped his arm around you. "Should've known you'd come crawling to look for us."

"By us, I hope you mean just me." Garcia butted in. Derek scoffed and allowed his arm to leave your shoulder and instead wrap both of his around the blonde that sat next to you on the bar stool.

"Pfft, you kidding?" He scoffed. "Don't' get me wrong, those pants look great on you sweetheart, but Garcia here's my one and only."

You let out a laugh at Morgans comment. He was a flirt, a natural one, it'd been just like this since you first arrived at the BAU all those years back. You however, were inmune to his charm, and he'd always been a brotherly figure to you. The two of you teased the other and often got into small discussions that were similar to that of a sibling dynamic. Nevertheless, you cared a lot for him.

"I'm going to take that as a compliment," You eyed Morgan, sipping through the straw of the recently emptied drink. He pinched your cheek as a familiar laugh left his mouth while you slapped his hand away.

Your eyes scanned the rest of the bar, allowing your shoulders to slouch ever so slightly. You swirled the small cubes of ice around in the glass, looking at them intently before Derek whistled low accompanied by a deep chuckle. "Looks like Boy genius is hitting jackpot over there."

Your eyes turned to where Derek was gesturing and you saw Spencer sitting at a small table with three other woman practically perched on his arms. You watched as his arms enthusiastically flew over the place. Garcia pitched in. "Well thats a first,"

You chuckled to yourself, not failing to notice how his mouth was moving at an unreadable pace, which probably meant he had already went into what you'd like to tease him as 'wikipedia mode'. His brows were furrowed and his lips were pursed as they moved inaudibly, the same way they always did when he rambled on about something.

"Look at my man go," Morgan cheered.

"He looks constipated.." Garcia squinted her eyes, noticing his nervous and tense posture as one woman grazed his forearm.

You and Spencer had gotten really close over the past few years. He was the first person you immediately hit it off with when you first arrived to the BAU a little over a year later than he had. It initially started when the two of you were unintentionally being paired in many cases together.

However, Hotch and at the time Gideon realized that putting both of your minds together was a power weapon in disguise— Both you and spencer were incredibly smart but very different. Spencer was very good with statistics and information, and you were good with reading people in great depth, which is why the two of you made such an outstanding team.

By being together all the time, you slowly started to get more comfortable around eachother and soon enough the two of you became inseperable. Wether it was getting coffee with eachother in the morning, or staying over later in the office to read over some unsolved cases, you and Spencer were attached at the hip as months went on. It had taken a while to crack his shell open, but slowly, you'd manadge for him to loosen up.

"Looks like that's my cue," You said standing up and dusting of your pants. Morgan and Garcia shared a look while you sighed heavily, watching how Spencer entirely short circuited when one of the girls reached up to tuck a loose strand of his hair behind his ear.

You knew Spencer had a thing with his personal space, but also having a heart of gold prevented him from having the guts to push these woman off. You could tell that he didn't desire their company or attention.

You rounded the bar and made your way to the table where Spencer desperately needed saving. Once you walked closer to them, the woman in the middle looked up with an unamused gaze and then Spencer's intimidated eyes met yours. You clicked your tongue, gesturing your chin to the side and insinuating them to take a hint.

"Sorry to interrupt ladies," You smiled tightly, crossing your arms. "I need to steal your boy candy for a bit."

"We're busy.." One of them said, smiling at you wickidly and she placed her hand on Spencer's shoulder. You groaned internally because your intentions weren't territorially driven and these woman felt some inescessary need to fight you for Spencers attention.

"I wasn't asking." You responded sharply, given them one final smile. Under the intensity of your gaze, the three woman finally cowered and got to their feet, walking away while tossing their hair back at you and spitting hateful glances towards you. You followed their trail with your eyes before looking back at Spencer and narrowing your eyes at him.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," He clasped his hands together, blabbering as you walked over and plopped into the seat next to him.

"Why is it that you always end up in these situations?" You looked over at him. "You have got to stop attracting the bitches.." You rested your elbow on the chair and tilted your chin towards him.

"They came and I didn't really know how to—" He started but cut himself off with a groan, slumping deeper in his chair and dragging his hands across his face. He peered at you through his fingers and you chuckled at him, looking down and shaking your head to yourself.

Spencer quickly noticed how your hair was lightly curled towards its ends and the makeup on your face was giving you a soft glowy hue. His eyes scanned your lightly tinted cheeks and eyelids, along with the long dark wisp of your eyelashes that deepened your gaze, not entirely used to seeing you like this. You finally looked up at him, and eyed him.

"What?" You laughed, shoving his arm lightly. He looked down and smiled to himself. When he looked back up at you, he opened his mouth, wanting to tell you all about the statistics of makeup and its history and evolution along the years to ease his nerves, but Derek's voice cut through the comfortable chattering the two of you were sitting in.

When you looked up at him, you saw JJ, Emily and Garcia standing alongside him, all having the same familiar expression on their face. Derek motioned towards his phone and you nodded your head understandingly. You knew that Rossi and Hotch had probably called everyone in due to a new case. You looked over at Spencer, sighing heavily. "Duty calls,"

Spencer stood up from his seat and grabbed your hand, helping you up from your own and letting his chest heave with disappointment. "Are we ever going to get a day off?"

You looked up at him and patted his chest. "Now that is a stupid question for someone as smart as you, Dr. Reid."

The whole team scattered into the conference room as Rossi held his phone to his ear and chatted stoically to someone, pacing back and forth the white board. You scanned Rossi's posture and the few pictures that were peeping out of a file and your brows furrowed.

"What do you think happened now?" You voiced, turning to Spencer, who scanned the room just as intently as you had beside you, hands deep in his pocket. Morgan, JJ and Parentiss had already fallen into their seats waiting for Rossi to hang up with whoever it is he was talking to. Spencer looked down at you and tightened his lips, shrugging slightly.

You hugged yourself as an unsettling feeling sat in the pools of your gut. There was something that happened to you often where you couldn't really voice a feeling into coherent words, but something about a situation seemed oddly off in your gut. The familiar feeling was currently bubbling inside of you and it evidently manifested onto your expression. You felt a hand on your shoulder accompanied by a light squeeze.

"You okay?" Spencer asked, furrowing his brows in concern. You quickly waved him off, smiling at him and taking in a deep breath.

"Yeah, just got a bad feeling,"

As Rossi hung up, you and Spencer made your way to your chairs. Spencer absentmindedly pulled yours out, allowing you to sit before him. You mumbled a quick 'thanks' before sitting down comfortably and turning your attention to Rossi with Spencer not far beside you.

"Sorry to interrupt team bonding but," Rossi shoved his phone into his pocket. "We've got trouble."

Rossi lifted the projector remote, turning on its contents and revealing a series of gruesome pictures. The photos showed what looked to be a couple, brutally slaughtered with blood splattered across the walls.

"Easton Green, 27 and Michael Green, 28, brutally slaughtered last night in their home here in Virginia," Rossi said scrolling through a few pictures of the couples body limply displayed across what looked like a bathroom. "Both victims received more than 20 stab wounds and both had their ring fingers severed. Due to autopsy reports, Easton had water in her lungs and Michael showed signs of sexual assault."

Your heart stopped in the back of your throat as Rossi read off the names of the victims, following with ID pictures of the two familiar faces you hadn't seen in a long period of time.

"A week ago, an almost identical murder took place." He punched the buttons on the small control, revealing a stomach churning picture. "Sarah Johnson, 28 and Adam Johnson, 28. The couple presented the same stab wounds and severed fingers, but no signs of sexual assault and no water in either of their lungs."

Your eyebrows were furrowed deeply as your mouth hung open, just slightly. You never thought you'd hear those names again, much less the way you had just right now.

"Both murders happened in their own houses and signs of forced entry are present." Rossi said.

"How do we know that these murders are connected?" JJ asked, scribbling mindlessly into her journal.

"We were able to make with the little evidence they've presented so far was that both couples had been recently married," Hotch pipped in. "The stab wounds are also identically the same, along with the way the bodies were left."

"So, wait, we have someone hunting around recently married couples?" Derek asked, brows furrowed tightly in curiosity.

"In a way that would explain why the ring fingers were severed..." Spencer quipped, scrolling through his files. You glanced over at him, watching the familiar furrow in his brow. He looked up. "Recently married couples wear their wedding bands on their ring fingers after the ceremony takes place. They're exchanged during the wedding ceremony and symbolize the couple's union and commitment to each other,"

"And with the severed fingers are probably the wedding bands," Derek blew out.

"If only the ring fingers are being cut off than maybe our UnSub probably has a personal vendetta with marriage in itself and is most definitely acting out of rage," Parentiss quipped in as well, crossing her arms over her chest. You looked from person to person as they all added in their analysis and group review, but you felt as if you couldn't keep up. Your brain had stopped working the second Easton and Michael had been named.

"We'd have to figure out how the UnSub is connected to the victims to be able to confirm that, and by that we'd have to connect the victims," Hotch uncapped a marker and turned to the board.

"Actually," You finally said. "All these victims went to North Virginia High School, the private school over by the upper east side of town."

The room fell silent as everyone's head turned to you. You froze momentarily, sinking into your seat while swallowing the bundle of embarrassment that seeped into you as the spotlight suddenly found your way. You signaled to the files "I, uhm— I used to go to school with these people."

"All four of them were in my class, I was actually friends with Easton. Sort of—" You shook your head. "—I haven't talked to her for years until well..."

 You looked over at the board and cringed internally.

"So were they together since high school?" Derek asked you, turning in his seat towards you. You pursed your lips in thought.

”Sort of," You flipped a page over onto it's back and pointed your finger to one of the lines. "Easton and Michael starting dating a year or two after graduation, but Sarah and Adam had been dating since sophomore year of college."

Your frown deepened, suddenly memories of your past flooding your head quicker than you anticipated. And quicker than you were prepared for. You rubbed your temple and laid back in your chair.

"Whoever the UnSub is could be connected to the class or school," You stated, deciding to fall silent until further notice. Hotch nodded in your direction, eyeing you suspiciously before Rossi began laying out a few more details of the case to which you couldn't completely pay attention to. Your hands fell into a nervous pattern of picking at the skin that sat comfortably on the side of your nails.

Spencer reached out from the side, placing one of his hands over both of your to prevent you from continuing your anxious habit. When you looked over at him, his gaze remained on Rossi and Hotch, eyebrows slightly furrowed yet expression completely relaxed as if he had not a single thought flowing around in his head. 

God knows you needed a bit of that. You glared at him but with a huff of surrender, you slouched further into your chair, allowing your fingers to dance along with Spencers underneath the table and away from anyone else's view.

After about thirty minutes of placing down a starters plan to the case and more unnecessary stuff that you weren’t all too interested in paying attention to, everyone in the team was dismissed. You snapped out of your trance, suddenly realizing that everyone was standing up and getting ready to leave. 

"You in there?" Spencer called out from beside you as he shoved his paperwork into his familiar satchel. You hummed offering him a quick, forced smile. 

"Yeah," You threw your bag over your shoulder. Spencer stopped you with a firm hand as you attempted leaving the room. He gave you a knowing look, clearly not even impressed by your poor attempt at running away from his worried gaze. 

"I’m fine Spence," You said, tilting your head slightly to the side. "I’ll tell you about it in the car,"

When you and Spencer first started to get along, both of you had realized that your lived not far from the other. A fifteen, maybe twenty minute car ride from the others place at most. When Spencer found out you usually took the train to get home, he insisted on dropping you off every evening after work. At first, it was a bit awkward, due to the fact that none of you knew anything about the other, opting for plugging your AUX cord into your phone and playing music to distract yourself from the silence. But now, things were different and things were everything but uncomfortable

"Y/N," Hotchs voice cut through the air thickly. "A minute?”

Your head snapped over to Hotch. You tensed, looking back over Spencer to which he tightened his lips, giving you a look full of sympathy. You assured him with a nod in the direction of the door. "I’ll catch up with you," 

With a final nod, Spencer left the room, closing the door behind you. You tensed your fingers at your side and swiftly patted the sides of your pants. You suddenly felt intimidated by Hotchs presence. It made you incredibly panicky not knowing why he called you to stay behind. Hotch had always been someone you found hard reading.

"Whats up?" You asked walking up to him and gripping at the strand of your bag.

"Are you okay?" You furrowed your eyebrows, jerking back slightly. Now that was definitely not what you had expected. 

"What..?" You asked, profusely confused as to where his question was coming form. He continued, organizing the files that were left on the meeting table.

"I asked if you were okay," He paused turning towards you. "If you’re going to be in conditions to work this case—“

You invoulintarily let out a laugh, to which you clamped shut in embarrassment at Hotchs unnamused glare. “Sorry..”

You shifted on your toes and sighed heavily. You understood that this sudden revelation may make people think this could effect your performance in the case. I mean, these were people you spent all four years of high school with and to any logical human being, in a sense, it would be emotionally impacting if ex-classmates were being executed one by one. 

But Hotch knew very little about your past. No one did. So with a firm nod you looked over at Hotch. "I am perfectly capable of working on this case Hotch."

“I didn’t doubt your capability,” He stared at you intently. “I asked if you were okay to work on the case,”

You stopped, watching him slowly try to weave his way into the truth of what these people actually meant to you. But you quickly shot him a smile, blocking him out and preventing him from seeing what was going on in the inside of your head.

“Yes, I am.” His eyes scanned yours, and with a simple sigh he shook his head and finally dismissed you from the room.

The case did not effect you in the slightest, and you weren’t lying about that. It was just very shocking finding out that someone who used to be your best friend was slaughtered to death. But you knew that nothing— no even the people who used to go to school with you were going to put a halt to your job, much less when you love doing said job so much.

You said your final goodbye to Hotch and walked over to the door, exiting it carefully. When you turned your back to the closed door, you found Spencer sitting against one of the desks. You crossed your arms and glared at him. 

"You should’ve gone home," You said. He pursed his lip, cocking his brows with amusement laced in his features. "I could’ve taken the train.”

You turned on your heels and allowed him to follow beside you. Spencer let out a laugh, throwing his head back. You beamed at his smile. 

"That’s funny," He said, looking down at you as both of you made your way to the elevator. "Did you know that transit riders, especially women, are often victims of a wide range of offenses of a sexual nature that happen on, as well as at bus stops and train stations."

You looked up at him with an unamused look, knowing he was doing this just to prove a point. He opted to continue. "Verbal harassment is the most common form of harassment, with 41% experiencing "obscene/harassing language" and 26% being subjected to sexual comments. Among non-verbal types of harassment, 22% had been stalked and 18% had been victims of—“

"Okay fine!" You exhasperated. "I wouldn’t have taken the train anyways, I have my personal choufer with me."

You patted his arm with a smile on your face as you rolled your eyes at his triumphal grin. Once the elevator door opened you pursed your lips. "Can I at least pay those 25 dollars of gas?"

He looked forward as the elevator door closed, scoffing. "Not a chance.”

[badasgirlfriend]

my point stills stands, after reading the new chapters my most toxic trait is the fact that I would’ve forgiven both Yeri and Yunjin 😞. BUT I NEED PEOPLE TO HEAR ME OUT (I’m constantly a villain apologist) Like yk, what they did was beyond fucked up BUT, Yeri was not lying when she said she had no choice, and for some reason I felt like the whole exposing thing for her was too extreme 😞, ik bada was probably fuming but something in me says she didn’t deserve that, LIKE I FELT HER ANXIETY THROUGH THE SCREEN, I don’t think that everyone hating her will compensate for what she did, it’s just like revenge but in a cruel kinda way. Pookie didn’t deserve 😞 and also she was not really the only culprit, people actually confessed things, she just posted them by their request.

Now, with yunjin is diff because miss girl is actually very guilty and so very sick in the head. But hear me out, when she said that she constantly felt like she was Nari’s shadow, and mentioned her mom, somehow most of her attitudes make sense. Wanting validation can fuck your head so much it’s surreal, and I think that deeply she acc feels remorse by it, but she was fueled with jealousy and desperation. I think that what broke my heart the most was when she was left all alone 😞. Somehow I feel like her character is complex and at that precise moment she also needed some type of reassurance from friends to understand that what she did was terrible albeit the reasons. I feel bad for her because, imagine always feeling like someone’s shadow, and in the end, everyone you love ends up taking their side and leaving you, further pressing that feeling that in the end you will always be her shadow, and people would prefer her over you. And I know in this case Nari’s feelings al probably all over the place due to the betrayal, but imagine how yun feels too 😞.

In conclusion, I support their rights and wrongs, waiting for their redemption arc so I can be an apologist outside the trenches. (sorry for the rant but I just love character dynamics so much 😞 and specially this one for me has so many layers)

okay so yeri was actually threatened to post those abt nari but she wasn't threatened to post the others she did it for fun u can see that she says i liked it at first she did this for funnnn and in a way its called bullying too like imagine someone posting all ur darkest secrets and the whole school even the ones who dont attend see it

no matter how jealous yunjin got she shouldve never done and she cant be forgiven bc she isnt 12 to make those mistakes if she rlly was good and loved nari she wouldve either told her she likes bada or keep it forever inside her feelings go away yk

she wasnt sorry in the end she accused nari stealing bada from her which aint normal😭 maybe in the future she'll forgive her (not rlly😩) but she'll never forget

[beneathashadytree]

Ayo there! Can i ask some bert x fem tomboy reader oneshot uwu? The concept i was thinking bout is like reader is marleyan but doesnt hate eldians. As a child (lets say shes a bit older than him) protected bert from bullies and bought for him some food from a store he wasnt allowed to enter. Then she started hanging out with the warrior squad yea. When he returned form their misson safe and sound they started dating and shit. HAPPY END. Im cringe sorry dont get lost while reading this crap lmao♥

BATTERED - BERTHOLDT HOOVER X READER

Warnings : one innocent kiss, one curse word, this is a canon-divergent AU, at the end Bertholdt is 18 and the reader is 21, reader is female!

Genre : just wholesome fluff

Word count : 3.5K words (I can never stop writing for Bertholdt holy shit)

Synopsis : Bertholdt's never quite understood why he was so taken by the girl with the scabs and bandages.

Additional notes : I can't even begin to tell you how much I've enjoyed writing this. Your request was so wholesome, and I'm in love with the childhood friends to lovers trope! Hope you enjoy this, I'd love to hear your feedback!

Requests : Are open! Check the rules over here.

Want to support me financially? Here’s my CashApp!

Masterlist

He shouldn't have stepped outside the walls. He really shouldn't have ventured past the iron gates, not in broad daylight at the very least.

The young boy internally berated himself as he slowly trudged across the path, trying to seem as inconspicuous as possible as he clutched his bag and curled into himself while walking, hoping he'd look as small as he could, even if it was physically impossible for a child as tall as himself.

Really, the glares that bore holes into his yellow armband, the demands to go and jump off the nearest rooftop, the viscious insults and curses thrown at him at every turn---it was all too much for the eight year-old Bertholdt Hoover. It's not like he was breaking any laws; he'd already long shown his permit to leave Liberio to any guards that bore their teeth and hissed at him.

The fact still remained though; it wasn't his birth right to live. He shouldn't have been born; shouldn't have done anything other than make himself scarce---and every single Marleyan outside of the internment zone served as a reminder for him; an order to perish. Tremors climbed his spine, anxiety taking over.

All he'd wanted was to buy some fruits that the clinic's doctor had prescribed for his father's illness; they definitely weren't as effective as the medication he needed (the same medication that was the reason his son wanted to shorten his own lifespan for him to receive), but they were meant to fortify him and his immunity, at the very least. And of course, for Eldians like himself, such expensive fruits were never sold behind the gates, and were only made available to the general public of Marley, which meant that he was forced to take a quick trip outside of Liberio if he wanted to see his father's health improve at least the tiniest bit.

That's the only reason why his shaking form stood in front of the glass door of the large grocery shop, cowering under the glare of the pot-bellied man with graying hair.

"Did you not hear me? Are you too daft to understand, Eldian scum? A place like mine isn't for bastards like you to taint," the man yelled, face screwed up in anger and only causing Bertholdt to tense up even more.

"B-but I have a permit!" he stammered, "And a-a doctor's prescri---"

"Speak more and I'll make sure my garden fork pierces your filthy skin just right," the man snarled, towering over him and thrusting the sharpened tool in his direction, eyes glinting maliciously.

"Please!" Bertholdt begged frantically, arms raised in defense, "My...my father, he needs them!"

"Like hell do I care!" came the roar in reply, swinging the fork upwards, causing the young boy to whimper and screw his eyes shut in terror, but before he could land the dealing blow, an angry yell stopped both the man and Bertholdt in their tracks.

Before he could scurry off at the sight of the scruffy-looking Marleyan girl that proudly bore bruises and scrapes like they were military badges, her next words brought him to a halt.

"What do you want more from him?" she shouted, hands on her hips, her frown looking almost comical with the huge bandage that covered half her cheek, "He's got his permit, he's got every right to be here just as I have!"

Whipping around to face her, the middle-aged man swelled with fury, "You again! Do you not see that he's the spawn of the devil?" with a disgusted expression, he picked up Bertholdt's arm despite his cry of pain, tugging at the loosened armband, "He'd ruin my shop's reputation if anyone found out he even set foot inside!"

Puffing her cheeks angrily, she stomped over, smacking the man's arm, and only after he stilled in shock was she able to drag Bertholdt away by the shoulder, completely ignoring the way he trembled in her hold.

Pointing an accusatory finger at the shop owner, she growled at him, "And your reputation would go down the drain once they know that you got locked up after displeasing a Marleyan citizen who alerted the guards of your lack of professionalism," arching an eyebrow, she huffed, "Need I remind you that you threatened to kill me once because you couldn't tell that I wasn't Eldian?"

Spluttering, the man's face paled as he tried to find an excuse, and as he remained distracted, she lifted her chin up high, snatching the list from the speechless Bertholdt, and taking it upon herself to pay for them after picking the best fruits by hand.

Only when the entire scene was over and he stood with bags of fresh produce in his hands did he become fully aware of what had just gone down.

"Why would you..." he gaped at the girl incredulously, only earning a kind smile in turn.

With a shrug, she kicked a pebble as she walked alongside him on his way back to the gates, "I don't like it when people bully the innocent."

Clenching his fists in frustration, he looked at his shoes, "But I'm Eldian, at the end of the day. My ancestors stained the lands with blood."

She hummed, scratching at her battered cheek and wincing as blood began to seep through the bandage, "That might be true, but what do I know?" she waved gayly at a bunch of rowdy boys, before they wrinkled their noses upon realizing that Bertholdt was strolling beside her, "At any rate, I know you haven't harmed anyone. Hell, you look like you can't hurt a fly," she laughed, nudging him playfully and earning a shy, wary smile from him, "I can't hate someone simply for living."

Her words sunk in, and Bertholdt stilled, the gates in sight, looking at her incredulously, "So you don't hate Eldians?"

"Nope," she popped the syllable, "No use in hating someone that doesn't differ much from myself. I'd rather help them out instead," they stood in front of the guards, and she puffed her chest proudly, pointing her thumb as she smirked, "I might be eleven, but if you need any help, call for me and I'll kick everyone's butts!"

Blushing, he thumbed his bag's strap, "Actually, I'm three years younger than you are."

"No way," she gasped, eyes shining, "You're that tall already? That's so freaking cool!"

"I don't know about cool, it just feels weird," he admitted half-heartedly, "Like my body's too big for me."

Patting his shoulder in a friendly manner, she smiled at him, "You'll grow into it, I bet. Have the heart of a lion, you're gonna be a warrior," she enthused, gesticulating excitedly, "I'm sure you'll grow up to be really brave."

Looking off to the side, Bertholdt remained quiet about his doubts; after all, he wasn't about to tell a stranger who'd shown him a rare ounce of kindness that he felt rather pathetic compared to the other candidates.

Looking down at her scratched up navy blue watch, she frowned, "It's getting late, and I promised my little brother I'd play football with him before supper," looking up at him, she quickly gave her name, "And what's yours? So I know who to ask for whenever I can!"

"Bertholdt Hoover," he meekly replied, "And that's alright, you don't have to---"

"Shush," she pointed her finger to her lips, before winking cheekily, "Expect me whenever!"

And just as fast as she came, she was gone as the breeze picked up.

***

"This is so boring," she moaned, a scowl etched onto her face as she stared up at the sky, "Don't tell me you guys haven't gone outside of HQ since the morning."

"Does it not suit your elite tastes?" Annie snapped, rolling her eyes in annoyance as she squashed another bug that made an attempt at climbing her leg, leaning against the wall non-chalantly.

"C'mon, Annie, I think we've been friends for long enough to know that that's not what she meant," Marcel's calm voice cut before the other girl could quip a smart reply, "She has a point though, sitting around waiting for us while we train can't be too fun, especially when she's not supposed to be here."

"No way," the girl crossed her legs and leaned in as she inspected them, "You guys had been training all this time? No breaks even?"

"No," Bertholdt sighed, rocking on the soles of his feet as he had a faraway look in his eyes, "I kept daydreaming throughout, though..."

With a shake of his head, the shorter blonde boy turned away from his friend, "You really shouldn't. We need to focus on becoming the best."

"You're one to talk," Porco scoffed, jumping off the low branch he'd been watching them from, "Like you can do crap eitherways."

"Now, now," Zeke's chuckle came from near the window sill, his hand busy with twirling the baseball bat that fascinated the girl with the scraped elbows on the ground beside him, "Stop bickering, only the top brass decide who inherits which titan and when. No need to fight when we're all gonna find out eventually."

With a wave of goodbye, the oldest of the bunch went off, no doubt to play some more baseball with the man he was supposedly most likely to inherit the Beast titan from, leaving the others scrambling about in an attempt to pick sides in the fight.

The Marleyan amongst them only laughed as she watched them bicker back and forth, before tugging at Pieck's skirt, "How old was Zeke turning, again?"

"15, why? You got a crush on him or something?" the black-haired teenager cheekily smirked at her, "He's only two years older, might wanna give it a shot."

Wrinkling her nose, the girl shook her head, "Nah, I just wanted to know the age difference between him and the other candidates."

"Bertholdt is one of the youngest of us, surprisingly enough," Pieck mused, eying the brunette who apologized over and over to Porco as he held Reiner back, "You'd never believe it, with the way he's almost as tall as Zeke."

"And he keeps growing too! It's so unfair," she groaned, before taking off to grab said boy's arm, who barely had time to grab his bag before he was whisked away, her enthusiastic voice ringing in his ear, "C'mon, Bertl! I want to play some football before I have to get home for lunch. Last one to the plaza gets to pay for the apples next time!"

***

With the wind flapping at her skirt, she looked uncharacteristically sad, in a way that had Bertholdt's heart clenching in his chest as he stood in front of her on the pier.

"You'll be gone for a while, yeah?"

He nodded, an unsure expression making its way on his face, "I'm not entirely sure how long our mission's going to take, but probably a couple of years. It's... really important."

"You can't divulge confidential military plans," she sighed, biting her lip anxiously, "I'll worry about you."

"I'll try to come back safely," he did his best to sound reassuring, but his words were anything but, "I don't want to... die, honestly."

Visibly distressed by his words and the sight of the huge ship that blasted smoke into the air, the now-fifteen year-old girl threw her arms around the taller (though younger) boy's neck, sending him into a state of shock where he didn't know what to do other than pat her back gently in hopes of consoling her.

"I'll miss you," she whimpered, resting her chin on his shoulder, "My brother sucks at all sports, and God knows when I'll be able to play them with you again."

He clutched her shirt tightly, giving her a solemn promise, with about as much bravery as he could muster, "I'll be back before you know it. And this time, we'll be able to climb the tree at headquarters all the way to the top, you'll see."

He didn't know why, but he felt a tug at his heart at the very prospect of leaving, and suddenly his mission didn't seem half as glorious when he was waving at her off the ship's deck, watching her disappear into the distance with every ocean wave they cut through on their way to the wretched island of devils.

***

When he came to, he found his hand clutched firmly in a strong hold. Slowly blinking his eyes open, he frowned, confusion taking over at seeing such a pretty girl hunched over in a seat beside the bed he was lying down on.

Shuffling a little to sit upright without shaking her hand off, he winced, the soreness of his muscles now apparent as he tried to move.

"Easy there, tiger," a raspy voice said, before she cleared her throat, eyebrows furrowed as she stood up, hands still entwined.

Gesturing for his water bottle, she handed it to him, giving him a minute or two to drink and blink himself fully awake.

"Where am I?" he croaked out, setting the bottle beside him carefully and using his free hand to wipe at his lips.

Scoffing, she ruffled his now-much-longer hair, the affectionate look in her eyes unmistakable, "Well, obviously you're in a Marleyan hospital, where else would you find me sitting beside your bed?"

He blushed, looking off to the side to glance at the window with the sunlight streaming in through the curtains, "And what's today's date?"

"Monday, fifth of June, 852," she replied, then thoughtfully added, "More than 5 years after having last seen me."

With a scowl, Bertholdt mumbled to himself, "That can't be right, we left Shiganshina in the year 850, I'm sure of it..." he drifted off, trying his best to ransack his memory for clues as to how this happened.

"Bertl," her voice was calm as she called his name, her hand reaching out to gently brush his cheek as she took a seat beside him on the bed, "You've been in a comatose state for the past almost-two years. Your body had completely shut down after being exposed to repeated physical trauma."

Gaping at her, his words began to fail him, "I---no, but---my titan powers---"

"You'd transferred your consciousness into your spinal cord, but your body took too much damage to heal using your powers," she shook her head, sighing, "In order for you to heal, you took months before you could regrow your limbs back. Even your organs had to be fixed using traditional healing methods and modern medicine before they could even begin to repair themselves. Not to mention your mental state's blow to your brain... "

Sitting still reeling in shock, Bertholdt could only stare wide-eyed as he inspected his arms, stretching his fingers and noticing how some lacerations covered the expanse of his skin, which looked like it was rubbed raw.

With a look of concern, the young woman peered at him closer, startling him and causing his cheeks to bloom an even brighter red as he managed to ask, "Is something on my face?"

"No, you just look a bit thinner. Not surprising, considering that you haven't had a proper meal in years, I bet," she pressed her palm against his forehead, only serving to fluster him more, before musing, "Strange, you're burning up. Maybe I should call in a nurse?"

Scrambling to get away from her touch, he shook his head furiously, "N-no, it's fine, it's nothing, I---"

Laughing at the way Bertholdt had become so flustered at one small action of hers, she settled back down beside him on the bed, nudging his shoulder very gentle in aversion of causing him any pain, "We've known each other for so long, and yet you still can't tell when I'm messing with you," her smile turned a little sad, "Maybe all these years apart have affected your memory of me."

"Not really, no," he said, a small smile making it's way onto his face, "I remember my challenge to a tree climb as soon as I got back."

She snorted, "Well, you're not in any state to climb trees any time soon. You've missed out on so much, and you need to recuperate after such a long time being bedridden."

Curiosity lingered in his eyes, and Bertholdt couldn't help asking, "Speaking of hospital stays, how come you were there?" she arched her eyebrow at his question, and he hurried to correct himself before she could take any offense, "I mean, you can't have been waiting every day."

"Nah, I just make sure to visit on Mondays, right after I'm done with work," smirking at him, she teased, "You would like that, though, wouldn't you? Having me cry over your unconscious self, day in and day out?"

If it was possible for him to grow any redder, he did, and he was tempted to hide his face into the pillow out of his sheer embarrassment, but he tried his damned best to muster up all the remaining courage he had and whisper a short reply while averting his gaze, "Can't blame a guy for wanting the girl he loves to care for him like that."

With an exasperated chuckle, the 21 year-old knocked on his temple with her knuckle, "If you think this is where I'll push you away after rejecting you, then you're sorely mistaken."

Snapping his head back to face her, Bertholdt's doe eyes grew wide, "What?" he breathed out, a distinct glint of hope in his questioning stare.

"Honestly, I've had a crush on you ever since we were kids!" she admitted, wrapping a tentative arm around his shoulder, mumbling a worried, "Does this hurt?"

Still dazed, he shook his head, before he found his voice, "But then why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I was a kid, and I didn't want to get my parents in trouble," a regretful look crossed her face, and Bertholdt found himself wanting to wipe it off immediately and console her when she continued, nuzzling her face into his long neck, "I loved being your friend, but I wasn't daft. I knew what I was doing was against the law, and would only backfire in my family's face. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he quietly said, absent-mindedly snuggling closer to her, "You didn't have a choice."

"But now I do," she sounded much more lively as she quipped, "I live by my own, so I can face the repercussions with full confidence, knowing that I can handle them myself."

Bertholdt's distress and apparent worry seeped through his words, "The laws haven't changed since then, though, I'm sure of it!"

"They haven't," she cheerily confirmed, before giving him a firm squeeze, "But that doesn't mean I give a single fuck. You're too precious for me to care," her teeth playfully tugged at his earlobe, turning him into a stuttering mess as she whispered in his ear, "Plus, you've gotten a lot more handsome, Bertl. Can't blame me for wanting to sneak around with you."

"You're shameless," he groaned, face burning, and yet giving that sweet smile of his despite his efforts not to, "You do realize that I can't just march out of Liberio to meet up with you?"

Shrugging she closed her eyes, a content grin on her face, "Guess we've got the time to figure things out now. We'll come up with something. You've always been the astute one out of us two, haven't you?"

Staying quiet because he knew all too well that if he did speak he'd blurt out something embarrassingly sappy, he just clung onto the scraped arm around his torso. His momentary distraction while settling down in her embrace gave the girl the opportunity to sneakily press her lips to the corner of his mouth, sending him into overdrive, giving him a sudden rush of blood to the head and heart palpitations that he couldn't even bother trying to settle down.

The 18 year-old felt like he was a child once again, meeting her for the first time and trying to figure out why he was just so enraptured by the girl with the scabs on her knees and the bandages on her face. But now that she was practically cuddling him (rather loosely though, so as not to pull at any muscles that were sore), he was perfectly capable of finding a name for the emotion that was raging in his chest: pure, unadulterated adoration, and the satisfaction that came with having it returned as well.

As big and awkward as his body had always felt, for some odd reason, it was the first time Bertholdt found himself thinking that it was the perfect size for having her nestled against him, even if his heart was thrumming against his ribcage and she surely felt it against her arm---at the very least, if all else was lost, he still had her, and that single thought, in and of itself, was as grounding as could be.

Taglist: @blondeboyfriend

[bcdwhcre]

This is my 2nd time I'm sending a request I'm sorry this'll be my last ansjsj

Can you do a Hanji x reader where the reader and Hanji are best friends in the scouts and the reader has feelings for Hanji so they tend to act a little flirty? But the reader is actually Levi's sister and Levi finds it so obvious how much the reader loves Hanji so he just teases for her it? Hanji then overhears the reader talking about her feelings and boom! Confession! ^^

“Confessions,” Hange x Reader

Girrrrl send as many requests as you like, I don’t mind at allllllllll. Hanji Hanji, I love her and I know I spell it how it is in the dub its a habit. my apologiesssssss.

Summary: Levi’s younger sister has a crush on Hange and he finds it real obvious, teasing you until you end up confessing.

Warnings: none

.

.

.

Growing up wasnt easy. You and Levi were left to starve and then trained to be full on machines, learning how to fight and defend before you were even ten years old.

Levi had tried his best to protect you, he still does to this day as the both of you worked in the scout regiment and were each made Captains.

The more time went on and days were spent all together in the room, drinking and eating. You found yourself having a big crush on Hange, you liked her confidence and the way she’s driven to the Titans and wanting to learn about them. It was crazy but you liked it.

You would even admit that you were in love with her. You would spend your days off with her, learning about her discoveries, her theories and even spent time with her when she had caught two Titans and did research on them up close.

The way she was in love with her work, the way she dedicated herself to the two Titans and was absolutely fascinated with them, even if it almost killed her on numerous occasions- it just all made you fall in love with her more.

You were in deep.

It wasn’t long till Levi had caught on, he knew you better than anyone and the way you stared at her from across the room or the way you listened to every word she said as she rambled on about pointless stuff that you knew nothing about.

He knew you had a big crush on her and he teased you about it for months on end. He made sure to be the annoying big brother that bullies his sister with jokes about how you’re soft for her, how you practically drool over her when she speaks to you.

“Just shut up, Levi.” You groaned, sitting inside his office as he laughed, shooting more playful jokes your way.

It had made you grow frustrated with your brother, he was a pain in the ass to deal with and now that he knew that you liked your fellow comrade, he couldn’t help but bug you about it.

It was entertaining to him, this was the only time he got a good laugh during the awful times of working and risking your lives to protect others.

“C’mon, it’s funny.” He rolled his eyes at your attitude but laughed about it shortly afterwards.

“It’s only funny to you, dumb ass. Why don’t you stop being a lonely old man and go find someone.” You said sarcastically, making his eyebrows furrow and shoot you a dirty look.

“I don’t need anyone. All I need is myself and you, remember that.” He simply said but you knew why he was never interested in finding someone for himself.

Levi holds up this giant wall that is three times bigger than him. He acts cold, he acts like he isn’t phased by anything but deep down, everything hits him like bricks. He convinced himself that being alone was a better option as a Scout instead of setting himself up for heartbreak and risk loving someone just to lose them to Titans.

He convinced himself that nothing was more important than family. Than you, as his little sister. He didn’t need anything else but you, losing you would be losing himself entirely.

“I’m grown, I can watch myself.” You scoffed, crossing your arms over your chest and he shrugged his shoulders.

“Eh, you still remind me of the five year who cried all the time.. You still cry all the time.” He joked, making you roll your eyes.

“So, are you going to tell Hange or should I?” Levi spoke up again, bringing the topic right back on the table and you groaned dramatically.

You didn’t want to talk about it any longer, the fact that a simple crush was being held over your head was annoying enough especially it being done by Levi. You wanted to punch him in the face and you were tempted to do it at this very moment.

You knew you couldn’t bring yourself to tell Hange your feelings, in the back of your head you were convinced she didn’t go in that direction, that she didn’t like women but some times it was questionable but the paranoia had lingered over you which prevented you from even thinking about telling her.

While you argued with your brother, Hange had walked down the hallway to actually look for you to help her with some theories she had in mind. She wanted to run them by you because you were the only person that showed interest and actually gave her good advice.

As she walked by Levi’s office, she overheard your voice and stopped in her tracks when her name was brought up in the conversation.

“Are you going to tell Hange or should I?”

She raised her eyebrow, tell her what? She was confused as she stood by the door, her ear up to the crack to listen to more. She hated to be nosey but she couldn’t help it when she was brought up.

“How am I supposed to tell her? It’s not as easy as you make it sound, Levi. This could either ruin our friendship or not.” You hated this, you hated the topic and you wanted to move on.

But Levi being the annoying asshole he was, he edged on and on just to watch the pure irritation on your face just for his amusement.

“C’mon, it’s not that hard. Just open your mouth up and speak.” He smirked, resting his arms on the desk as he leaned forward.

“You’re just a scary chicken.” He teased, making Hange almost giggle under her breath at the childish nickname he gave you.

But the more she stood there, the more she was intrigued with the conversation and wanting to listen to more. She had glanced down each side of the hallway to make sure no one was near or walking down to blow her cover as she continued the sneaky act.

“God, you’re so irritating. It’s not that easy for me to walk up to her and say I’m in love with you. Keep teasing me about it and I’ll kick your short ass.” You threatened him, making his laugh only grow louder.

Her eyes widen at the confession you let out. You were in love with her? She couldn’t process it or think clearly but it had definitely made her heart pound inside her chest and adrenaline run through her veins.

As you got up from the other side of the desk, telling your brother that you were leaving as he continued to giggle like a school girl. Once she heard your footsteps come closer to the door, she had practically ran down the hallway and go around the corner.

She didn’t really know what to do, should she bring this up to you? Should she just get this over with and confront you? She didn’t know and all that thinking she did, she didn’t realize you walking down the hallway in her direction until you startled her by turning the corner.

“Oh shit!” You jumped, making her jump and drop the files she was holding in her hands.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.” You admitted shyly, your cheeks growing hot as you kneeled down to scatter up the files and hand them back to her.

“It’s okay, actually- I was looking for you.” Hange abruptly said then quickly shut her mouth, that’s not what she wanted to say- now the topic was at the front of her mind.

“Oh? What about?”

“Uh, I had some theories but first I kind of wanted to get something off my chest.” She said, fixing her glasses and met your gaze with a almost worried look that made you become paranoid.

“I didn’t mean to um, listen in but I heard you and Levi talking.” She finished, making your eyes go wide and suddenly your cheeks were as red as a tomato.

“Ahh, um.” You didn’t know what to say, you started to stutter and started to look around the empty hallway to avoid her stare.

This is not what you had in mind about confessing to Hange. You couldn’t help but think if Levi was behind this sick plan, it wouldn’t be surprising if he did- he’s a selfish asshole after all.

As you stood there quietly, Hange had began to worry and clung tighter onto the files in her hands. She didn’t really know what to say and that’s coming from someone who is always talking and rambling about something.

But as she stood in front of you, watching you get all flustered up, it gave her a bit of a confidence boost to lean down and press her lips on yours, catching you by surprise completely.

You weren’t expecting this, your anxiety made you think of the worst in every situation but here she was, kissing your lips and it made your heart skip a beat at the small kiss.

When she pulled back, both of your faces flustered up and red- she had given you a cute smile and gestured you to follow her.

“C’mon, I have some theories to tell you.”

You were confused, thrown back but you followed her back to her office and she noticed how you were still quiet, probably even overthinking the small kiss you two shared.

“I hope you know that me kissing you meant that I like you too.”

.

.

.

Soft soft soft🥺

• Main Masterlist •

• AOT Masterlist •

[krabmeat]

𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚌𝚛𝚒𝚖𝚎?

𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜: c!Quackity, c!Techno, c!Tommy, c!Tubbo, c!Schlatt 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: violence, fighting, threats, weapons, panic attack, manipulation, yelling

𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚎:

another lore fic for my dsmp persona, this wasnt a request just something i wanted to post! enjoy! :]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

The molten and glowing netherite dented into the ideal shape that Krabs had in mind. Currently she was in her smithy at home working on a dozen netherite tipped arrows. She hadn’t tried making arrows before but when Techno asked her for a commission for it, how hard could it be, right? By the looks of it, it seems to be turning out well. She managed to make a strong, dense metal fit the characteristic requirements of an arrow that should be light and steady.

On about her 5th one, 4 steady knocks come from her door. 

‘I’m not expecting anyone today…?’

The same knocks rumble from the spruce wood. Krabs puts down her welding tools and goes to put on her worn and ripped navy trench coat. 

“Yeah, hold up! I’ll be there real quick!”

Grabbing Axe My Beloved and heading for the door, she places her weapon next to the door out of view in case she needs to use it at all. Opening the door, she realizes she needs her weapon in her hands once she sees the man on the other side.

“Ah, Krabs! Just the lady I wanted to see!”

Krabs furrows her brow and gets in a defensive position, grabbing Axe My Beloved and holding it in front of her.

“Why are you here? How the hell did you get past the forest and what do you want?”

Her words are like venom, the hostility practically oozing out of her body. Quackity takes a casual step back and holds his hands up in surrender.

“Relax, relax! I’m not here to hurt you, maybe- just here to discuss some…business.”

He can see the confusion on Krabs’ face along with how dumb she thinks he’s being. Deciding to humor his request, she pretends to think about what he said and acts like she’s taking it into consideration before dropping her expressions that made Quackity hopeful.

“I don’t think you see how much of a contradicting dumba$$ you sound like right now. We have nothing to discuss so get off my property, you’ll lower the property value.”

She walks away and waits for the door to slam shut after swinging it closed, but it never happens. Instead the door is met with Quackity’s foot as he opens it and lets himself in without warning. Krabs turns around and he’s already right behind her.

“What the- QUACKITY WHAT THE F*CK?! GET OUT!”

Krabs swings her axe at Quackity, making them easily dodgeable as to not hurt him but more so to scare him away. 

“Well you let other people talk to you about what’s on their mind! Cmonnn, how is this any different?”

“Man, I have no clue! It couldn’t possibly be because you always want me dead whenever I see you! You tell me Quackity, why is it any different?” Krabs says.

He then gets a small smirk grazed across his lips. He knows that she’s being sarcastic, but pretends to play dumb.

“I have no idea what you're talking about! You're really just gonna ignore someone who needs to talk to you? Wow...I thought you were better than this.”

Krabs stops and rolls her eyes, sighing as she walks to a door expecting Quackity to keep up, which he does.

“Leave all your weapons outside the room. I’m keeping mine next to my chair because I still don’t trust you but other than that I won’t have any weapons either. This is the best you’ll get from me.”

The room contains 2 small navy couches across from each other, 3 black leather stools along the wall and a small coffee table between the 2 couches. A big window with open, white shutters is on the right wall and the rest of the walls are a plain grey tone. Sure enough, Krabs grabs a stool and sits down after leaning Axe My Beloved against it while instructing Quackity to sit wherever he wants after he places his weapons outside the door. They are both seated when Krabs nods at Quackity, signaling him to start speaking.

“Well it looks like you’ve got a nice place here! I have to say, I saw some of the weapons you’ve made in your workshop and your work is amazing!”

He’s seated on the couch, looking around at the small room and taking it all in. He can sense the uneasiness from Krabs and it makes him smile.

“Yeah...I was working on a new commission before you came knocking at my door. Some netherite tipped arrows for Techno.”

Krabs starts fidgeting with her hands, scratching her thumb against her index finger. She’s reluctant to make eye contact with the scarred man in front of her. She knows he’s staring her down and it makes her wanna shrink down into her seat, but she won’t. Looking vulnerable isn't exactly up her alley, so she takes on a more casual look but still avoids eye contact.

“Hm...look, we’re both busy people so I’ll cut to the chase. I’m sure you've heard of the new country I’m starting up, Las Nevadas. Everything’s built, there’s a bunch of casinos and it’ll be one of the most economically prosperous places you’ll ever see. I’m asking you to join my country Krabs. Join me.”

“Um...excuse me, what? Out of all people, you’re asking me to join your country? Man, how desperate are you? Of course I’m not joining! Let alone a country led by you, Quackity.”

Quackity tilts his head to the side in amusement as if he was expecting this response. Which he was. He’s not surprised that she reacted that way. I mean, one of your worst enemies who’s always out for your throat asking to stand side by side with you? That’s practically asking to be labeled as suspicious!

“You’re still holding onto the past, I see. Krabs, you need to stop looking back. L’manburg is f*cking gone and there’s nothing we can do about it. I don’t care anymore that you helped blow it up because I moved on. You should too.”

Krabs lets out a long, aggravated sigh and tightly clenches her hands together to relieve pressure.

“Maybe if you would take the f*cking time to listen for once, our sh*t could have been resolved a long time ago! I tried telling you why I had to help build the detonator but YOU decided to not let me speak and instead shoved me to the damn ground and made stupid false accusations. Why the hell do you think Tommy isn’t mad at me for helping? Or Tubbo? Because they had the common sense to let me EXPLAIN, QUACKITY! Our issues with each other are all on you, so quit trying to shove it all down my throat. Either way, I’m not gonna join you. I’m not Techno, Quackity. I don’t team with my enemies, you’ll just stab me in the back later.”

“Your ‘reasoning’ for why you helped is for another chat. It’s funny how you bring up Technoblade, though. You guys seem to work with each other a lot, right? I mean, he trusts you enough to let you live in the same area as him! But...what else is there to you?”

“Hm, well as you know I’m a welder, builder, blacksmith, redstone intelligent, pretty good at PVP and the general therapist of the Dream SMP. I also have my fair share in historical events, so there’s quite a bit to me actually.”

A long sigh and a slow head shake of disapproval comes from Quackity. 

“And yet, you’re still as significant as a grain of sand.”

Krabs doesn’t get offended or angry, but rather curious and suspicious. Her eyes squint at him, tilting her head slightly to the side waiting for him to continue.

“Krabs, what word have you built for yourself? What title? ‘The Laborer’? ‘The Therapist’? You block out everyone from yourself, you’ve made yourself dull and boring. You have nothing to hide if you join me, Krabs. You’ll be someone!”

“Did you just completely ignore everything I just said?”

She finally looks up at Quackity, squinting at him. Accepting his request to chat is something she regrets now.

“I’m not ignoring anything, I’m telling you the cold hard truth. All of the sh*t you’ve been a part of was never you. All you are is an asset to peoples victory, and since you jump around so much your help isn’t as respected anymore as it used to be! You’re just Technoblades assistant. You’re just Tommy’s assistant. You’re just your ‘fathers’ assistant. And sooner or later they’ll realize your worth and drop you. They’re going to leave you, Krabs.”

The last phrase sends chills of anxiety and paranoia down Krabs’ spine. Was that really true? I mean, she had always known that she was less than her friends but pushing those kinds of thoughts away were a normally practiced thing for her. Her vicious shaking proved why she always tried to shove away the thought. Tears threatened to dump from her eyes as she downcasted her gaze to try and hide her sorrow, her breaths shallow and shaky. 

“Shut the f*ck up…”

Quackity is a bit taken aback by her current state, but quickly tries to recover and recoil with an answer.

“It’s not my fault you’re too much of a p*ssy to-“

“I SAID SHUT THE F*CK UP! SO F*CKING HELP ME QUACKITY IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SLICE YOUR TORSO IN HALF-“

Krabs’ yells, sobs, and threats choke to a stop as her neck is held at knife point with her axe kicked away from her reach by Quackity.

“Try to kill me and I’ll slit your throat right here with your own f*cking finger, Krabs.”

Both of them know what he means by that. He snuck in the knife he made after chopping one of Krabs’ iron fingers a while ago. She welded a new one back, but he got it made into a pocket knife just to spite her. And now here she is, being threatened with her own material. Her head is tilted upwards exposing her neck more but not wanting the knife to be in more contact with her skin. It feels like time stands still for a couple of seconds. With Krabs trying to fully process the situation while also trying to not look as weak and shattered as she does, and Quackity feeling both prideful yet slightly shocked that he has one of his longtime enemies finally backed up into a corner. Tears are running down Krabs’ cheeks but she can't wipe them away in fear of the blade being pushed further into her skin. But the silence gives her time to calm down and recoil.

“So, you're gonna take a life? Go ahead. Attack when your opponent is at their weakest, like always. Pathetic. Killing me wouldn't do anything, it would be a dishonorable kill and you would lose a precious member of Las Nevadas.”

His thoughts linger on the first part of what she said, when he realizes the last part. The knife hesitates and releases pressure from Krabs’ skin, giving her the chance to slowly back away from the knife. Once she's leaned back into the stool enough, Krabs dives for her axe but Quackity reacts before she can get to it and slams her stomach into the wall harshly with his shoulder. He crouches down in front of her aching body as she hisses in pain, cradling her stomach with her right arm.

“This is a dangerous f*cking game you're playing here, Krabs. Repeat that last thing you said.”

But no words come out of her mouth. They're all stuck in her mind. Her eyes are squeezed shut and hard breaths are escaping her nose. The words in her mind are ping-ponging all over the place and it feels like everything is both in and out of her grasp. Both her thoughts and her body are shaking- she's having a panic attack. An event that Quackity is all too familiar with from his Manburg days. The way Schlatt was like during their partnership in running Manburg, the abuse was both mental and physical so panic attacks aren't a foreign thing for Quackity. After he realizes this, he waits. Obviously he's not the person to help Krabs with this, and he doesn't think she would want help from him after what he did, so he lets her calm down on her own before engaging in a preferably more calm conversation.

“Are you able to listen to me now?”

A genuine question, no sarcasm, annoyance or malice laced in between. Krabs nods her head while keeping her gaze on the spruce floor in front of her. Quackity takes on a less menacing tone and instead speaks casually to not bring attention to Krabs’ current state, as well as to make things easier and less tense.

“Look, I heard you say something that hinted you were joining me. Were you telling the truth?”

Krabs takes a deep breath. Her voice is quiet and raspy, but she manages to mumble out a response.

“Admittedly, I said that to throw you off guard…”

Quackity chuckles quietly. Of course she would do that, how did he not realize? Still though, he's gotta admit it was pretty clever. 

“You’re really hard to convince, aren't you?”

“Considering I'm your enemy, of course I'm gonna be difficult.”

“Well, then how about we make a bet for it then? It is a casino dependent nation, after all.”

Krabs looks up at Quackity, her eyes bloodshot but still wanting to know more of this bet Quackity has in mind. Her right eyebrow raises in wonder.

“We duel. If I win, you join me in Las Nevadas and capitalize off of the plot of land I'll be giving you. As well as pledging loyalty to the nation, following our laws, etc etc.”

“And if I win?”

“Straight to the point I see! If you win...not only will you not have to join Las Nevadas, you will also have immediate connections to me- the owner of the nation- if you ever get into any sh*t and you won’t need to owe anything in return, and I'll also keep the little episode you just had completely under wraps. Deal?”

Quackity holds out his hand to Krabs, waiting for her to seal the deal. She stares at his hand, thinking about the offer.

‘Seems fair enough…wouldn't want news spilling out anyways.’

“Hm, deal. When is this duel of yours taking place, and where? What are the rules?”

She shakes his hand then lets go, listening closely.

“It'll be in The Needle in Las Nevadas in about an hour or so. Bring as many weapons or materials as you wish, but no armor to make things more interesting. The first one to put down their weapon and surrender loses the bet,”

He gets up from his crouched position and heads for the door. 

“See ya in about an hour, Krabs. Start preparing! I know I will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Krabs looks down at the small piece of paper with the coordinates sloppily written on it. Quackity had placed it on her workbench before leaving, so she followed it after packing everything she thought she needed. A huge red and white sign stood proudly next to the concrete walkway.

Las Nevadas

read the sign. This was the place, she knew it. Not only from the obnoxiously bright sign, but also because of the golden winged man sitting just below the sign. Krabs whistles at Quackity, causing him to spot her walking towards him.

“Alright then, let's make this quick. Follow me, we're going to The Needle.”

To say the country was impressive was an understatement. Casinos, food joints, gathering places scattered all across the roads. The sun started to slowly set about a minute ago, making everything a beautiful golden orange hue. Krabs keeps her comments to herself, but looks around in wonder. She hadn't seen such a beautiful place ever since before the detonation of L’manburg. Krabs didn't say anything, but Quackity could see the look of amazement on her face and felt his ego boost a bit.

“Yknow, we don't even have to fight if you already like it here-!”

“Now who said anything about that?”

The elevator dings, and the two exit the small glass room into the highest and most spacious level of The Needle. The view is like nothing Krabs has ever seen before. The sky started taking on a darker hue, meaning that lights were being turned on throughout the country. And man, what a sight it was. 

“So, are you ready?”

She snaps out of her trance, only to be met with Quackity standing in a fighting position on the other side of the room, sword in hand with potion effects floating around him. Krabs nods and proceeds to take out Axe My Beloved and eats a gapple. 

And with that, the duel starts. Quackity is first to react, lunging at Krabs and slicing his sword at her. A swift move to the left and she evaded the attack and hacks her axe into Quackity’s torso. Dislodging it, blood drips from her weapon, yet he hasn't dropped. Instead, his skin has woven back together leaving not a scar behind, only a tear in his shirt. Time feels slow but is moving fast when their weapons strike each other, they both reposition their weapons to a flatter angle to try and shove the other away. 5 distinct seconds are gone, Quackity takes a potion from his inventory and quickly down the bottle, smashing the empty glass to the side while overpowering Krabs with one hand on his sword. 

‘Regeneration and strength potions…’

Quackity managed to push her to the ground on her back, his sword striking against her axe she's using to block. His strength potion hasn't worn out yet so his sword is getting closer and closer to Krabs’ neck before she swipes her foot at his legs, making him fall over but getting a light cut on her arm.

Both of them are breathing heavily. Quackity’s regeneration potion has worn off but his strength potion hasn't. It's become clear to Krabs that he's relying on potions to win, which is perfect for what she's been saving. Clang after clang from blocked attacks, they've been going at each other for a good 10 minutes now when suddenly Quackity disappears after downing another bottle.

‘That f-cker had an invisibility potion!!’

His steps are quiet and he's making no noise, making things almost impossible to locate him. Krabs orbits around the center of the room, being cautious of any noise she hears or any potion effects she spots. Her eyes catch the familiar colorful potion effects rushing for her, she takes out a splash potion bottle filled with milk and smashes it in the general area of the potion effects. She wasn't sure if this experiment was gonna work, so she was surprised when all of the potion effects Quackity had wore off immediately, making him both visible and weaker. His sword gets a few inches stuck in Krabs’ metal arm that she had used to block herself with. It's wedged in enough that Krabs can yank the sword away from his grasp, dislodge the sword from her arm and throw it out the window. Glittering, clear shards scatter everywhere, and Quackity has been disarmed. The perfect opportunity open to her, Krabs rushes Quackity, holding her axe to his chest. The only thing behind him is the velvety sky, a cool breeze dancing through the few hairs exposed from under his beanie. 

“Well, this has been a good fight! But you should have been more precautious, after all-”

For what seems to be the millionth time, he downs a potion from his inventory and tosses the bottle out of the already shattered window.

“-I am a gambler!”

He leans back into the night sky. Krabs expected an immediate death until she saw him slowly float down from the top of the building, laughing in overwhelming pride and satisfaction- he got away.

“HAH! GOOD FIGHT KRABS, BUT I HAVE A COUNTRY TO RUN AND I CAN’T RUN IT IF I’M DEAD! THE OFFERS STILL OPEN THOUGH, HIT ME UP IF YOU WANT THAT PLOT OF LAND!”

Quackity’s feet softly hit the ground, picking up his sword and walking away from the building with his own little victory. Krabs scoffs as he walks away, but not in pure hatred or anger. More so amused. Maybe she would just take the plot of land. What could go wrong, right?

[tomdiddlyumptious]

YES MA’AM- REQUESTS ARENT OPEN AT THE MOMENT I HAVE SOME TO FINISH AND ILL OPEN THEM BACK UP!

Summary: he makes it up 🥸

Warnings: soft smut? Language, acting drunk to leave, a jealous Tom holland, NOT PROOF READ

A/n: SORRY THIS TOOK ME SOOO LONG, I WAS LIKE MENTALLY PANICING AND WASNT IN THE RIGHT HEAD SPACE

T.H| Oop-

“I mean am I sleeping over though? Because I didn’t get these chocolate cakes for no reason, zendaya” you eye your phone. “Yes we will have a marathon of Harry Potter” you let out a little ‘yes’ “stop cheering y/n, and Toms gonna be there” “as in...” “yes. Tom holland, impossible tom holland” “REEEEE” you and zendaya have been best friends for what felt like foreverrr, like dramatically long, you played as one of her love interests.

But you’ve had a crush on Tom holland for longer, you had him on your wall, just kidding. But everyone in your family, mostly your mom said “oh you like snow flakes?” “Interracialllllll” “alright give me my privileged babies soon” “damn I kinda took you for the Asian type” “yeah I thought you liked BTS” “UK accents is hella annoyin, find someone else” “would you stop hoggin the TV? I’m tryna watch American Top Model!” “Nah let’s watch basesketball-“ anyways, ya you have annoying, irritating family, oh well.

“You think he likes dark skinned type?” “He likes girls with aggressive tans I know that much” “that isn’t helpful” “hey I’m just being honest” she shrugged looking at you through the phone as she picked up her makeup brush. “So what are gonna do for your birthday?” “I-uhhhh probably clubbing?” “As in golf?” “No, party y/n” she glared at you as you chuckled.

“Please ask hunter when we are getting married” “y/n, I know you have an insane crush on her to but it’s just never gonna happen, she’s mine” you stuck out your tongue at her as she did the same chanting “she’s mine, she’s mine” “whatever I need to get ready” “bye papas” “bye mamas” you hung up, instantly going to your closet and pulling out the dresses you have, only to put them back and grab a two piece, it’s neon yellow, the pants are high waisted, no belt, the top stopping right below your boob, the straps at the end of your collar bone.

For accessories you put on some black dangle earrings and a black purse, a gold but matching watch, but you put on sandals, no high heels because the pants were covering your feet anyways, for your hair you put on your wet and wavy lace front, you added lip gloss to your lips, and they look like glass, in a good way of course, the fox eyeliner with thick parted eyelashes and a neon eyeshadow with it. You brushed your eyebrows up and boom your done.

You stepped back and went to your full body mirror, checking your butt and your boobs, smiling at yourself “you look fine” you sigh, grabbing your bag, phone, and keys.

You phone rung and you answered. “Yes z?” “Are you picking me up?” “Yeah sure babe, I’ll be there soon” “alright bye” she hung up. Luckily for you, you just got your 1966 mustang, vibrant white baby, everyone would wanna touch your car, you named him KAI, stands for kiss ass ight. The License plate saying “white ssn”. (I’m sorry but I really like these old kinds of cars, I fucking had to) you hoped in your car and drove to dayas home, you picked her and her brother up, just listening to old 2000’s and 1900s songs, either rapping or singing your asses off.

You guys were there pretty early but of course you were, it’s her birthday, she didn’t want to dance yet because of her makeup and you felt the same, leaving her brother smacking his lips and eyes glued to his phone.

Now everyone was starting to come, hunter, Jacob, alexia, Barbie, everyone, and most importantly, Thomas Stanley holland. No cap you bout dead as fuck, did I mention you run on Red Bull’s? Just kidding. You remained calm, hugging hunter and talking to her. “Hey” zendaya said, grabbing your hand and pulling you up, pulling you to Tom. “Hi Thomas, this is y/n” “the one and only?” He laughed, making you both giggle. “Yeah” she nodded, Tom got up, opening his arms and she pinched you, silently telling you to hug him. And you did, taking a breath you smelled him, he smelled really good, sexy and musky, like something you’d want to smell all day.

“You smell nice” Tom whispered. “Yeah you too” you smiled, pulling back from his hands as he nodded at you and sat back down, you looked and zendaya as she silently cheered, you walked back over to hunter and ordered something to drink. “So you and Tom?” She asked, you only rolled your eyes. “You know I’ve had a crush on him for years now but I don’t think I’ll be making any progress” you thanked the person as they handed you the cheerily temple. “Whattt? This is your chance to get drunk and confess your feelings, like wake up in the morning with him” you smacked your lips at her “girl I don’t know, and I wouldn’t want him to forget what happend” you shrugged. She put her hand on your shoulder making you look at her “take a shot, before zendaya pressures the fuck out of you both” she warns, making you sigh and throw yourself back in the seat.

“I know and that’s the problem, I don’t think-“ “you’ve had a crush in him for years y/n, you can make this a reality, you don’t have to dream anymore” zendaya whispered in your ear “I told you” hunter smiled. “Fuck stop smiling at me like that, you’re gonna make me fall in love all over again” you said making them both laugh. “Okay Cupid what’s your plan?” “Don’t worry bout it alright girl?” “Alright”

“Harrison fuck off it’ll happen when it happens” “well it seems like she’s bored, I’ll go entertain her” “don’t you fuckin dare haz, I’ll beat the shit out of you” instead of haz getting up Harry did, he walked over to you and sat down next to you, the lights and music booming as he took out his camera. “Hey” he smiled at you. “Hi, I’m-“ “y/n, yeah I know, I’m Toms brother, Harry” he held out his hand and you took it. “I thought you looked really beautiful- I was just wondering if you wanted to take a few pictures?” “Oh I’m not the picture type” “pleaseee?” He beggged, you giggled and nodded. “Alright” he took a few pictures of you as Tom stared at you.

“He’s tottaly gonna get instead of you” Harrison whispered in his ear, making Thomas slap his arm “shut up div, I’m just gonna wait here and I’ll see what happens” he told haz his game plan, no progress. Zendaya walked over “I know you like y/n, please hit on her, you both would look so good together, you’d bring me smoll Bebes-“ “Jesus zendaya we get it” Tom rolls his eyes as haz lets out distant chuckles.

“This is so awkward, he doesn’t like me and-“ you sighed. “Oh my god, you never give up so easily y/n, what’s wrong you’ve liked him since preteens” hunter asked in all seriousness. “Are you talking about Tom?” Harry asks, both of you looking at him and letting out a way to fast “no” leaving Harry in giggles. “Well I wish I could help you but I don’t know anything” he shrugs, you soon see Tom make his way over to you, standing infront of you. He clears his throat to say something big but only lets out an-

“Hey” you wave back at him, hunter silently cringing, feeling the tension able to cut it with a butter knife. “Your so fücked” Harry laughed, Tom glaring at him but smiling back at you. “Uhm, how’s your day?” “To be honest I’m having a bit of anxiety right know” you both laughed “me too, yeah” he nods his head. “Look you don’t have to really speak to me if you don’t want to” you laughed “I think we both know-“ “zendaya” you both said. Hunter looked at Harry, panicking for you as you remained calm. “Okay- yeah- thanks” he smiled, as you returned, he walked off.

“You fucked up” “well what was I supposed to do Harry? Suck his dick?-“ “it would’ve made some progress” “shut up hunter” “I feel awkward for you” “second hand emarrassment hunter” “well you knew what I meant Harry so we are all good” you looked at them both “I’m fucked” they just both agree with you. “I think I’m gonna go” “then I’m coming!” Hunter said. “How are you gonna leave zendaya?” You only picked up his beer can, winking at him and hunter ‘helped’ you out.

“Woah woah woah where are you two going?” Zendaya asked, the shit in her hand as she looked confused. “She’s drunk” “whattttt no I’m nottt” zendaya looked at you as your eyes were barely opened, taking your finger and pushing it against hunters lips dramatically. “Let me tell yaa E sevret” you whispered at zendaya, you came close to her ear, “I’m so naw dunk” “you drunk, get out of here, Tom will give me a ride” zendaya waved you both off, Harry soon running up “let me get your number at least, yeah?” “Sureeeee” you wink at him, he hands you a pen and you write your number, a nice happy face next to it.

“Let’s get you home, nice show you out on” you took your time, trying to look drunk as possible. “My whole life is madness! I can’t- he doesn’t like me I promise you” you say, pulling out of the parking lot, hunter right next to you. “He does, let’s bet on it” “how much?” “200” “shake on it?” She handed you her hand and you shook it. “SOMETIMES YOU LAUGH SOMETIMES YOU CRY I GUESS YOU KNOW NOWWW, I TOOK THE HALF AND SHE TOOK THE WHOLE THING SLOW DOWNN” you both sung together “BABY” you both both failed the note, laughing together as you rode both of you home.

“She left” zendaya shruged, “what why?” “Shes black out drunk” Tom put his eyebrows together, he was litterally with you like a couple minutes ago, sober as hell. “Yeah... alright” he nodded, Harry took out his phone and sent you a simple hey, which you returned under a minute later.

Everyone had a lot of fun, you and hunter ordering some random stuff off of Amazon and making the cake that you would both send to zendaya the next day, on the other side everyone danced and drank, they were sober enough to go eat at least. “Who are you texting?” Tom asked Harry. “Y/n, she’s showing me the things that she’s ordering or something like that, I wonder why she’s a Harry Potter addict” toms jaw slightly clenched, “can I see?” He asked, Harry looked at him, forgetting that you’re supposed to be ‘drunk’ “Nah mate, she’s drunk texting me though” “bulshit, give me the phone” Harry sighed as he gave tom the phone, scrolling through the text messages the messages were alive, not dead at all, no lols, laughing emojis, more ‘lmao’ ‘AKDIHDIHFRJRFN-‘ ‘I- what? Okay-‘ he couldn’t help but be jealous, he handed Harry back the phone.

“What’s wrong?” Harry asked, looking at Tom confused. “You know I like her” “it didn’t seem like it back there” Harry smirked. “Do you like her?” Tom asked, Harry only shook his head “all for you, just making conversation and trying to pull her closer” “whattt Harry got the digits and you didn’t?” Haz whispered, “fuck off”

“But this is like, really ugly” “that’s why it’s called an ugly Christmas sweater, y/n” you layer on her arm, looking at Kohl’s, “green for sure, red is just plain” “how about we get like onzies of animals or the incredibles” hunter looked at you “perfect, yeah” you nod ferociously.

You checked your phone and saw some messages, from you dad and you mom but also Harry, you were quick to answer them all, and as the night got old you had finished the cake.

“I don’t know mate do some research on her, watch her interviews” haz suggests as they were all home, Tom mentally panicking because Harry’s eyes was glued to his phone, he whipped out his computer and searched your name, ‘Y/N has a CRUSH on who?’ He bit his lip and clicked it

“Sooo, we know your the romantic type- so who were you in love with?” The interviewer said, you smiled and shook your head. “I’ve always had a crush on Evan peters, algee smith from let it shine, Keith powers, and of course Tom holland, I don’t know but just in all his movies he was the cutest thing” you giggled, putting a leg over the other. “That’s a lot of people” “hey, I only crush on one now, and yes it’s Tom holland” the girl raised her eyebrows at the camera “you make sure you hit her up” “please do” you wink at the camera, “now, you feel sexy most when?” “Probably when I take a shower and put on my silk robe” you shrugged.

“Silk? Sexy” Tom smiled to himself, imagining you in it, maybe a towel over your freshly washed hair, lingerie under, maybe a mustard yellow to match your skin, his eyes widened in shock as he felt uncomfterble in his pants, he looked down at his pants “fuck, not now!”

“Are you really crying?” Hunter asked. “No I’m having an emotional roller coaster” “so your feeling different emotions, your so bipolar” hunter laughs, “your not helping you know” she only shrugged at you, then the door was knocked on “I’ll go get it” “alright” you acted sleep, thinking that it was probably zendaya and... you were right. “Hey is she sleep?” She asked, hugging hunter. “yeah, but come in- she’s on the couch” hunter smiled, hearing zendayas foot steps and she giggled “she’s sober by now” she bent down, wiggling your ear and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“Hiiiii” she waved at you, you only waved back, then she laid down next to you, her glasses on and in her sweatpants and a black t-shirt. “So you and Tom didn’t work huh?” She whispered and you only shook your head no, a tear fell down your cheek as she coed at you, wiping it away. “He’s stupid, he will come around one day yeah?” You nodded at her, “did you make the cake?” She asked and you nodded again. “Let me show you, come here” hunter said, she looked at you, you looked pretty lifeless at the moment honestly. Hunter and zendaya left and you checked your phone.

Ding

Your eyebrows furrowed at the anonymous message. You opened it and it said-

Hey it’s Tom, I was wondering if you’d like to get lunch yeah?

You texted him back-

As In... Tom holland orrrr...

Tom smiled at his phone

Yes y/n, Tom holland here, take it while you can

Cocky asshat

He laughed at your reply sending winking emojis,

Yeah lunch, I’ll see what I can do

Cya love

Bye luv

As time passed Tom looked at your work, your charity events, your women’s rights, your debates, your everything. He grew more interest then he already did, already wishing to work with you. “Hamburgers? What if she’s vegan, fuck” he only searched up what food you like, “burrito truck?” He could tell you weren’t like the other people with loaded of money, you were more of the cheap rich, not a bad thing but a very good one. “Sparkling water? That doesn’t really go with burritos, she doesn’t like cheese by it’s self or where you can taste it over anything, she sticks to the basics, god I need a pen and paper for this” “I got it, lover boy” Harry says, throwing it at him.

“Hey your the one who’s trying to take her away from me” “no that’s not true, I was trying to help you actually, her favorite color is (y/f/c) she likes nature or a big view of the city, beach sometimes, she actually wants a beach house” he shrugged, Tom smiled and thanked him, writing some things down

-nature, somewhere green for lunch

-quiet too, somewhere not to public

-sparkling water for sure, no burritos though

“Shit I don’t know, chicken or something!” Tom struggled.

-fruits, nuts, macoroons, nuts, wine

He smiled at the ugly written bullet points, “aha” he then took his phone, biting his lips as he tried to find the perfect place.

“He asked me to lunch last night” you smiled, hunter and zendaya looked at each other, mouths agape as they laughed. “Really? Oh my god y/n can I be the god mom?” “Oh I’ll be the god dad all the way!” Hunter added as you laughed and shook your head, you’ve been on a Harry Potter marathon all night, now your on a Star Wars one, so many tears fell of your face, you cried for draco, zendaya cried for George and Fred, hunter cheered on voldermort, which almost got her kicked out, how petty.

“What if it’s only lunch?” You asked, looking at hunter and zendaya. “I mean, yeah it is only lunch” hunter shrugged making zendaya slap her arm. “No it isn’t, you are probably gonna get laid and he’s gonna confess his love to youuu, then you both naked and kissing” “ew don’t make me imagine that” hunter shuddered, sticking out her tongue. “Welp we are staying here when you leave” “how do you know I won’t be back?” “Because I know things”

Tom spent his day visiting places, until he found the perfect one, green and the ocean? Best thing ever. It was pretty too, no plastic, no damage to the ground, the ocean is to be heard, perfect for you and Tom. He texted you to get ready, it was about 6, he bought everything he needed for it, put the ice cream in the cooler with ice in it.

“Alright, this one” hunter held up a dress, a small slit but it was a sweater dress, like for the fall or winter, it’s white with brown buttons that go down to the end of your stomach, the dress stops in the middle of your thighs. “Then wear some comfterble shoes please, we don’t want you to run your toes” zendaya said, pulling out some neon yellow huaraches. “That doesn’t match” hunter said, zendaya put the shoes back and pulled out some dark dark black ones.

You got dressed, comfterble for sure, zendaya flat ironed your hair while hunter did your makeup, “alright” zendaya and hunter admired their art, high giving each other before turning you to the mirror, “don’t worry it’s sweat resistant” hunter said, zendaya laughed as you rolled your eyes shaking your head. Then of course their was a knock on your door. “I’ll get it” zendaya said, you went to your room and grabbed your phone, noticing you have no pockets you held it. “Keep your hands off of my girlfriend, have fun though!” Zendaya said, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion as you came out and seen everyone smiling at you

“What happened?” You asked as everyone shook their head. “Nothing!” Hunter said smiling at you, Tom came up and gave you flowers, not roses but daises “you look lovely” he says, giving you a hug, chest to chest, pelvis to pelvis, not in a Percy way of course, just a very friendly and close hug. “Can you put these in a vase for me?” You say, handing the flowers to hunter as she only smiled and made her way to the kitchen. “Have fun, once again, we want her back by 10” “that’s only 4 hours zendaya” “we’ll make your way over there, it’s starting to become late” “alright mother, we’re out” you sarcastically say, leaving Tom laughing as he takes your hand and pulls you to his-

“El Camino!?” You said, practicly smiling a a child when they get ice cream. “Yep, I know how much you like old cars so why not get you one right?” He squeezed your hand. “Oh I could so kiss you right now!” “I wanna save it for later, let’s go” he smiled at you, he pulled you to your seat and opened the door for you, you sat down and he closed it, running to his side and getting in. “Your pretty fast” “shut up” he laughed and started the car, Kendrick Lamar playing in the background as you both rode in the city.

It was silent but comfterble, you slipped your phone in the cup holder, played footsie with yourself, and almost shook when he placed his hand on your thigh, you looked at him and he smiled at you “warm” he only said, paying attention to the road, rocking his hand back and forth.

“I love this, you gave me all the things I love tonight” you smiled. “You now at the birthday party I didn’t show that I liked you” he commented, laying in his stomach ontop of the very large blanket as you sat with your legs closed. “Yeah I don’t think you like me... I know if it’s weird and-“ “what no I like you! I do! I’m just stupid, like zendaya would say, so” you both giggled as he sat up and grabbed a grape vine, it has grapes on it by the way. “Lay down” he smiled, and you followed, laying down. “I’ve seen all the work you’ve done” he smiled, the radio in the band Toto playing, Africa currently playing. He leaned down the grape and feed it to you and you chuckled. “I really like how dedicated you are, how hard working you are, how nice you are, everything about you is beautiful” he complemented, the moon popping out for the ocean, the sounds of water slapping the rocks calming the both of you.

“Well thank you” you say, done with the grapes he fed you, he fed you some more. “I bought ice cream” “what kind?” “Uhmmmm, not vanilla, cookies and cream!” “Doesn’t that have vanilla in it?” You looked at him, he shrugged and put the grapes down and took the ice cream out of the freezer “I didn’t know you were such a 80s fan, what would you bring back?” He asked you. “Probably all the color, the music, I love mullets and shags I just love it all, how everything was in fashion, freedom and dumb teenagers and yelling old people, ya know?” “So your a very detailed person?” “Yeah, I don’t pay attention to the big picture that much if I’m being honest” ‘it never rains in Southern California, by tony’ playing, now the moon full on display, he grabbed two spoons and handed it to you, you both grabbed a scoop. “Let’s try something”

“Like what?” “Cross my arm with yours yeah?” You wrapped your arm around his, your spoon facing you “and 3” he said, taking the ice cream in his mouth as you followed, giggling “I like the flavor” you covered your mouth. “See! I knew what I was talking about, and doing!” He cheered, you both laid side by side and looked at the view, still eating the ice cream of course, until he put his lips on yours. “I really like you y/n, I hope-“ you put your lips on his, holding onto his cheek you smiled into it, he made his hand go down to hold onto your waist, the moon shining on both of you, he flipped both of you over so he was on top, you let out a quiet moan as he kissed your neck and slipped up you dress, taking off your panties, you trailed your hands down to the hem of his shirt and pulled it up, rubbing over his torso, moaning as he found your sweet spot, kissing it and sucking harsh circles on your neck, he sat up and helped you take of his shirt, unbuckling his pants and taking off the belt to where ever.

He unbuttoned your dress, taking out your breasts and sucking on one of them, you whimpered as he twisted the other, your hands making it to his hair and tugging a bit making him hum in satisfaction. He switched nipples and looked up at you, you head was thrown back, breathing heavy and he opened your legs, you bucked your hips up allowed him to pull your dress up and over your head, he ditched his pants, well not really, there still around his ankles and both of your shoes are off, how? I don’t know. He came up and you leaned on your arm while the other was on his cheek, your lips hovering his, he muttered a ‘ready’ you nodded and he bottomed out in you, both moaning at the sensation, he kissed you and rocked his hips, you moaned as his hands found your waist, holding onto his bicep for support. Soft moans shared “y/n, fuck your so tight” he whispered in your neck and you whimpered, clawing his arm as he went harder, still slow though,

“Tommy, I’m gonna-“ you swallowed, bucking your hips up and arching your back, he rubbed your hips and held on tighter to them. He groaned and started going fast, high pitched moans leaving your lips as he stopped going hard, “cum for me” he let one hip go and rubbed your pearl slowly. “God- mm” you bit your lip trapping the moans, your head tilting back as he used it to suck more hickies on you, claiming you as you just took it all in, your head slowly starting coming up, leaving cries as your arm circled his around his arm, your back arching more, connecting chests as you said his name like a prayer while you came “fuck fuck fuck” he moaned, so close, your walls to warm to leave. “You on the pill?” He choked out. You repeated ‘mhm’ and just like that he came inside you, your name left his mouth as he rode out both of your highs, breathing heavy as a new song played ‘ask of you’ by Raphael, you both chuckled as he pressed his forehead on yours.

“Would you be my-“ “I think you know the answer Thomas, this is my 12 dream right here” you giggled. He pulled out and rolled over next to you, taking his arm and wrapping it around your shoulders, pulling you into his chest “your moans are adorable, we have to have sex more often” you only laughed at him, coming up to kiss his neck on his sweet spot, his jawline under his ear, sucking hickies on his neck as he looked at the water that the moon is glistening on. You both cleaned up with his baby wipes and covered yourselves with the extra blanket he had, he poured you both a glass on wine too, just taking each other in and the perfect view.

On the other side zendaya and hunter were high giving each other, FaceTiming Harry and saying “we got em!” He smiled and cheered, lifting his beer with Harrison and taking a sip. They set it all up, how? Who knows.

[cs-discourse]

hey. this is jimin. im sick of watching all this shit with demien being said without saying anything so im just saying something now. im sick of it lol- note, im not defending her. and i know this is kinda dead and out of no where but im just adding my side. ( for context, demien = hosh. ) demien has hurt me plenty of times whether she knows it or not. making me feel guilty for dating oliver, adding so much stress to me telling me "im in love with you still" when im ranting and scared. leaving me on read for eight hours straight when i really needed someone there for me, and thats just recent things.

ive known her for two years and ill let you know at first nothing seems wrong. but i got close to her and it hurt me.

getting left on read for eight hours after not knowing how to respond to her question even though im hurting is the worst. promising to be my friend forever and never leaving my side but the moment me and ryan started dating she became distant and would ghost me for hours. even when i was feeling suicidal and at the lowest times of my life.

also adding onto the fact she was extremely upset with me for getting in a relationship with him and expressed it on multiple accords. i dont think telling me that "im in love with you" everytime im ranting or upset is a good or helpful thing, either. if anything it caused a lot more stress for me.

and thats just recently.

before she's made me feel invalidated and worthless even when she hasn't meant to. multiple times ive ranted to her and shes only responded with "at least this and this which have happened to me didnt happen to you :D" and that only continued to make me feel terrible. i have extreme separation anxiety, and sometimes when we were extremely close she would disappear for more than 12 hours on end without giving any explanation or heads up before which left me in shambles and completely destroyed me. and a lot of the times she came back to me first thing ranting. and me being so upset and distraught she was gone? responded to everything without hesitation. which lead to her disappearing once more.

that may not have happened recently or a lot, but the few times it did happen to me it was hurtful and caused more trust issues with me than it should have.

and i know she'd had moments clashing with artkins. hosh took a gif of artie that she worked hard on and thats what started all of it. hosh continued to do the things artkins constantly confronted her and asked her to stop aswell- which caused a lot more problems that could have been so easily avoided. idk why the gif didnt get changed and the entire situation could have been avoided but who am i say to anything about that- i wasnt involved other than just sitting on the sidelines.

involving a lot of things with demien i have a lot more i could go in with and most of the time she never knew she was doing these things to me. she always hurt me without even thinking. with the comments i told her i disliked but she continued to do- calling me woman when i told her i hated it, etc. she may have stopped but those type of things never stop haunting you or hurting you. theres plenty of things shes said to me or said about me in her supposed "sad channel" on discord that she may have apologized for or didnt even know upset me- but that type of thing doesnt change anything.

also to note i dont know if she still does but for a while she didnt respect my pronouns. i came out to her asking not to be called woman, and i remember pretty vividly not even a week later she called me one once more. and that type of thing stings. i dont know if she still does, i dont know any of it anymore. but it really took her a while to even just respect a simple request like that. im not going into everything because im not comfortable with it and im not trying to cause any hatred towards demien or any of her friends. but i had to share my experiences there too, even if this is TMI or not. if you want or feel like you need more? contact me on discord and we can probably talk or something. but please dont push my limits lol

my tags shrimp#0420. thank you.

[negasonicimagines]

TEAM (Part Two)

I forgot to mention that this fic is partially inspired by Lorde’s “Team,” hence the title. Kind of about how no matter how much you and the other characters here bicker, you’re all on each others’ team.

This is the second part to TEAM (Part One) [but I hope that’d be obvious] and therefore is inspired by the same request and has essentially the same trigger warnings.

“So, you and Ellie, huh? About time,” Logan remarks, and you feel yourself blush.

“No! It’s not like that! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d be the luckiest girl in the world, but, uh… No, it’s not like that.”

“Are you sure about that? I’ve seen the way you two are together. When she’s not looking at you or her phone, she’s watching everyone else like a hawk, like they’re threats. Honestly, Piotr’s worried about her.”

At the mention of Wade’s friend, you’re reminded of what Logan said before, about the thing that he knew that he shouldn’t tell her, the thing Wade also knew.

“What was that, anyway? The thing you knew that you didn’t know before that you would’ve told me if you had but couldn’t tell me?”

“I’m afraid that’s Wade’s business.”

“Great,” you remark. “So, I’ll never know.”

“Listen, kid, I know the stuff he said-”

“Screamed.”

“The stuff he screamed at you was pretty fucking awful. But… He had his reasons, okay? Being around him, being as close to him as you were was dangerous. It made you a target,” Logan explains.

“When will you people realize that I can’t die forever?! I’ve died plenty of times, and I always come back! Let me make my own decisions!”

“How many times have you died, Y/N?” Logan asks.

“It’s just… Hard not to starve when my mom kicks me out over school breaks, especially with the metabolism that comes with a healing factor. I can’t stay with Wade all the time, he has himself and Al to worry about. Muggers don’t like when you don’t have money. Mom doesn’t like me when I don’t have money. I don’t know, probably like eight or nine times.”

“You should’ve come here!” Logan scolds, and you want to curl in on yourself, just like before. “I’m sorry. He and I both know just how much dying can fuck you up, so, to hear you say that you’ve died.... And that you don’t care if you do? It’s concerning, to say the least.”

“Boo-hoo, Y/N’s crazy. Who isn’t?” you remark, annoyed at his concern. Men, they always think they know better.

He sighs. “Listen. You should just talk to him, I’m sure-”

“No,” you say, and it comes out as a whimper. The wound was still fresh. “I don’t want to.”

“Hey, he’s not gonna hurt you,” Logan reassures you. “He probably feels bad for what he said, and-”

“I said no,” you cut him off, but the sad tone in your voice doesn’t make you sound very convincing.

“And he’s not gonna apologize unless he thinks you wanna hear it. You know how Wade gets when he feels guilty, he doesn’t know how to deal with it.”

“Well, I don’t wanna hear an apology. I just want him to be my friend again, like before. That’s it. I don’t care to know why, or how, or whatever. I just miss my friend,” you admit, and Logan sighs.

“Okay...”

“Is it alright if I go? I wanna get started on my Chemistry homework.”

“Yeah,” Logan says. “Go ahead. See you next Wednesday. Or, sooner, if you need anything.”

You leave the gym, making your way to your dorm  with your head down, when you bump into a familiar red-suited man.

“Sorry,” you squeak, not even able to meet the eyes of the mask, before attempting to go past him. He stops you, grabbing at your shoulder, but you flinch away. “Please d-don’t…”

“Y/N…” Wade murmurs, filled with remorse at his rampage. He’d made you scared of him, which means it worked, but he regrets how much it hurt you. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“You’re not, huh?” Ellie, swiftly approaching, asks. “Pretty sure you already did, Deadpool.”

“I just wanted-” he starts, but Ellie, your avenging angel, cuts him off.

“You just wanted what, huh? To terrorize them more, is that it?

“Terrorize? I-”

“You what? Didn’t? Because as someone who sleeps in the same room as Y/N, I can confirm that you did. They cry in their sleep like they did the day it happened. Did you know that, that you made them cry? I guess you do now. So, leave, before I decide I’m going to follow you out the door and blow you to Hell.”

“E-Ellie, I said not to hurt him,” you quietly tell her, and she clenches her fists, grumbling.

“You did?” Wade asks.

“Of course,” you respond meekly, tapping the tips of your fingers together and avoiding the gaze of everyone around you. and Ellie places an arm around you, glaring at Wade without mercy.

“I’m- I’m so sorry, Y/N. I- I just didn’t know what to do, so much was happening. I was so angry at the situation, so scared for your safety, and I took all that aggression out on you, the one person I should’ve been channeling those feelings into protecting, and I- I know I already said it, but I’m a blabbermouth with nothing else to say, so… I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, kid. I know you probably don’t care, you just wanna start over and stay the hell away from me, but I’m sorry. And my door’s always open.”

“Thank you. I forgive you,” you nod, smiling a little, You’re already starting to feel better, more like yourself.

“You what?” Ellie questions, shaking with anger. “He hurt you. He shouldn’t ever be forgiven.”

“She’s right,” Wade agrees, head down.

“Well, it’s my forgiveness, and I can do whatever the hell I want with it,” you remind them, shrugging.

“There she is,” Wade says quietly, and you can somehow tell that he’s smiling. You don’t know if it’s body language, tone of voice, or what, but he’s smiling.

“I’m sorry for making you worry. I’m gonna keep living here, and I’m gonna keep taking better care of myself, so no one has to worry about me again,” you inform him.

“Wrong goal, but I appreciate the method. I don’t mind worrying about you, kid, but I’d rather worry about you not doing your homework than about the next time you’re gonna collapse on my porch, dead.”

“What?” Ellie wonders, and you groan. “Wait, have you died?”

“Goddammit, Wade,” you grumble. “She didn’t know that.”

“H-how?”

“Not important,” you tell her.

“No, it is, Y/N. You want all of us to get over the fact that you can die, but the truth is that you need to get over the fact that we care if you die,” Wade corrects you. There’s no malice in his tone, but the words themselves cause anxiety to slither out of the pit of your stomach like a snake and curl around your lungs and heart, maintining a tight grip.

“It’s because of you not eating or sleeping enough, isn’t it?” Ellie asks. “That’s what you guys were in that fight about the other morning, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” you admit, and Ellie closes her eyes, taking a deep, shaky breath and trying to remain calm for your sake, for her own sake.

“Right,” she responds, sighing. “Well, I’m not letting that happen again.”

“Challenge accepted,” you chuckle, and she rolls her eyes.

“I was just on my way back to Photography. Forgot my camera. See you later.”

She makes her way in the direction of the classroom, disappearing around a corner.

“Man, if she didn’t hate me before, she sure does now,” Wade says, and you smile, shaking your head. “Really?” he asks.

“Photography is Mondays and Thursdays… And she didn’t even have her camera.”

Wade scoffs. “Well, she’s definitely taking good care of you. I always knew she would, one day. When did you two finally make it official?  I’m sorry that I missed it.”

“We haven’t made anything official, Wade, she doesn’t like me like that. We’re just close friends.”

He rolls his eyes, going to playfully shove your shoulder, but you flinch away. He sighs.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. “I- I was so cruel, I just wanted to say whatever i could to get you away, to protect you, from m-”

“From what? The thing Logan keeps talking about?”

“What thing?” he asks, sounding a bit panicked.

“He keeps saying that there’s this thing he knows that he would’ve told me if he’d known before but he shouldn’t tell me now. It’s super weird, but he said you were going to tell me before you- You-” You stop yourself from continuing, still, shaking a little bit at the memory. It was only the day before yesterday.

“Yeah,” he responds quietly. “It was part of the reason I did that. I just- Us being friends was already dangerous, and you being- You- You’re- I- I’m so sorry I left you with her, if I’d known, if I’d known she was pregnant...I would’ve done the right thing! I’m not that kind of dirtbag, you’ve gotta believe me, and I’m just so, so sorry. Everything that’s wrong with your life, maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I’d just thought- If I’d just thought, but I was young, and stupid, and there’s nothing I can do now except own up to it, own up to the fact that I- I am- I’m- Oh, please…” He practically falls into you, wrapping his arms around your neck. You feel him shake with sobs, and you cry, too, but with a different emotion. Not regret, but happiness.

“You? You’re him?” you ask, and he readjusts himself, backing away from you.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve asked before hugging, I just didn’t think it was gonna be so hard, and you’re my best friend, and I- I don’t know, I don’t know. I’m so sorry that I’m your father.”

“You are? You’re sorry?” you ask, knowing that he’s apologizing because he regrets it, regrets you and your entire existence.

“Not in the way you’re thinking! You- You deserve so much better, I wanted so much better for you,” he reassures you, or, at least, attempts to.

“How do you even know?”

“I just… I talked to Xavier to see if he had any connections that could help me find your father, and he said he did, but he insisted that I give him a sample of my DNA to see if they match before he used his connections. I laughed it off, but then… it was a match.”

“How’d you get my DNA?” You wonder.

“Oh, I stuck a cotton swab in your mouth while you were sleeping. Wasn’t hard, you’re a really heavy sleeper,” he says, and you have a faint memory of the dream you had about a week ago where you were abducted by aliens that wanted to harvest your DNA to create genetically modified pet humans for their home planet. You laugh.

“So, you found out it was a match, and then… You were angry about it? Hated that the Wilson family legacy wasn’t going to end with you?”

“No. I was angry, yeah, but at myself. I was irresponsible, and my best friend in the whole world sufferred because of it. I never recognized your mom the times I’d seen her, and we had sex!”

“You had sex with my mom? Bro code violation alert!” you joke, and he chuckles bitterly.

“Right?” he responds. “But… I don’t even know where to go from here. Things can’t go back to normal, that’s not okay. I need to step up. And, even if it was the right thing to do, going back to normal… I get the feeling that you’re not gonna be that comfortable around me for a while. I was… I was just like my dad. My worst fucking fear.”

“You’re not him, okay? I promise.”

“I should be comforting you,” he says, stepping towards you. Out of renewed instinct, you step back. He’s heartbroken.

“Try- Try not to take it personally, I’m like this with just about everybody,” you attempt to make him feel better, but he shakes his head.

“You haven’t been like this with me, not before- Before I did what I did. Said those things, those awful, untrue things. Why did I say those things? They weren’t the truth, they were the opposite of it. I love hearing from you, it makes every day better. Finding you on my couch is a great feeling, knowing that someone as great as you trusts me, sees me as someone who can keep them safe.”

“And my memes?” You ask in a sarcastically accusatory tone.

“The funniest,” he replies. “Can I- Can I give you a hug?”

You nod, and he surges forward, wrapping you up in his arms and spinning you around.

“I always hoped it’d be like that,” you quietly admit, and he beams.

“Listen, we can talk later at dinner. I think you’ve got a certain girl you need to talk to, and she and her metal accomplice are approaching.”

“I think she’s his accomplice,” you correct with a laugh.

“Gotta bounce before the hardest guy on Earth ropes me into another mission. I’ll be back, though, kid.”

“Yeah. See you soon…”

“Wade’s fine for now, unless you wanna call me something else. We can negotiate later, ‘kay? Love you, bye.” Wade scurries down the hall, not realizing that he’s going towards the dorms, not the exit.

“Wade Wilson!” calls Piotr from behind you, and you turn around to see that Ellie is far closer to you than she is to Piotr, having gone faster on her smaller, lighter legs.

“Uh, hello…” you say dumbly.

“Based on your expression, I’d say that discussion went well.”

“Very well. Thank you for giving him the opportunity to talk to me alone, I’m sure you didn’t wanna do that.”

“I didn’t, but I figured it was the best option. Tell me more on the way to the dorm.”

“Well, uh… He apologized, a lot. Not just for the fights.”

“For letting you die?”

“No. Worse.”

“Holy shit, what’d he do, and why haven’t I heard about it?” She asks, tense.

“Because I didn’t know,” you reply defensively. “He’s- He’s my biological father, Ellie.”

“Whoa… Seriously? How long has he known?”

“I don’t know, but not long, the DNA tests were recently. He just wanted to help me find my dad and when he asked Xavier if he had any way of helping, the Professor said that he had to submit a sample to be tested. Turn’s out the old man’s hunch was right. You… You still wanna be friends, right?”

“Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I?” Ellie wonders.

“I just- I know you don’t like Wade very much, and I’m technically his daughter, so…”

“So? That doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore,” Ellie argues, and then covers her mouth.

“You love me?”

“Yeah, but just, like, in a friend way,” she plays it off rather smoothly, in her opinion, but you sigh in disappointment before you can stop yourself. “Wait, do you love me in a not-friend way?”

“Not really sure what you wanna hear,” you respond, feeling the recently-sealed cracks in your heart refracturing.

“Do you?” she asks.

You’re silent as the two of you walk to your shared dorm.

“Y/N, I asked you a question. Do you love me as a friend, or as more?”

You feel overheated and nauseous, that’s how nervous you are. You attempt to take some steadying breaths before answering: “More.”

“Oh, thank god…” she sighs. “I- I told you on Monday, when you fell asleep with me. But you were asleep, so, you didn’t hear me… Duh… I sound so stupid right now, don’t I?”

“No, not at all! Jeez, today just keeps getting better and better, I mean it!” You exclaim.

“Can- Can I kiss you?” Ellie asks nervously, and your eyes widen, but you nod. She takes your face in her hands and just goes for it, pressing her lips to yours. You respond immediately, wrapping your arms around her neck while her hands slip past your face and into your hair, tugging gently. You let out a small, quiet moan at that, and you can feel her smirk a little. She kisses you faster, pushing her body closer to yours, and your knees give out. She catches you in the nick of time, laughing a bit at how easily flustered you are as she nudges you toward the bed, sitting there with you. “Your knees are right, we probably shouldn’t rush into things.”

“Yeah…” you admit, resting your head on her shoulder.

“I love you…” She mumbles. “I’ve loved you for a long time, actually.”

“Same here. When did you know?”

Ellie replies: “It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“I can tell you first, if you want,” you offer.

“Yeah, do that…” She says.

“I just realized that every time I was upset, you were there, making me feel better. Even if you didn’t know it. Every time my mom hit me, or I got stabbed by an asshole mugger, or I was about to faint from hunger… You were right there. Making my life better just by existing.”

“I wish I could’ve been right there in person, to help you,” Ellie says, and you shake your head.

“That’s not the point. The point is that you did, without even trying. You always make me happy, without even trying.You just have to be there and everything is better.”

“That’s really nice… I feel dumb now,” Ellie confesses.

“It’s not dumb! Probably not, I mean…” you reply, nuzzling her chest a bit as you try to get a bit cozier.

“Um...You probably don’t know this, but I used to get in fights a lot before we met. And Piotr would always lecture me, telling me it wasn’t heroic to fight out of anger. That I should fight for something, not because of something. That I should be aware of the consequences that come with fighting, and truly think about them before I did. I never understood what he meant, and then we met and became friends… Then best friends…

“I didn’t even realize that before every fight, even the ones I was assigned, I’d think about how I was going to make the world a better place for you. I’d think about what you would think if you heard what I was doing. I- I made a mistake at one point, got angry over nothing and got into another stupid, pointless fight. It was the first time in awhile I’d heard Colossus’s spiel, and I realized my thinking process with every world he spoke. It all just made me think of how I feel about you. You’d made me a better person, more mindful of the consequences of my actions, my thoughtless, immature violence. That’s when I knew.”

“Oh, shut up! That’s way better than mine and not embarrassing at all! Show-off,” you remark, and she chuckles.

“That was fucking beautiful!” Wade wails from behind the door.

“I think I liked it better when you two weren’t friends,” Ellie comments, and you smile at her, shaking your head. She takes your hand in hers and squeezes gently.

“Oh, come on. You can’t hate him. I mean, I wouldn’t exist without him, for a few reasons. I mean, he’s the one who passed me the gene for a healing factor, even if his was recessive before. And, I mean, he’s the sperm donor either way.”

“I heard that!” he shouts, and Ellie smiles at you, planting another kiss on your lips.

You could get used to this.

[ecotone99]

[HR] The Cabin

My grandfather was the one who kept my family together. Or so my mother says. She claimed he was the glue that kept us all together. I never understood why. I HATED my grandfather and he made sure I knew how much he hated me. This never bothered me though. My grandfather had a history of choosing favorites. He adored my dad, my aunt, and my brothers, but he despised me, my mother and my uncle. I knew why he hated my uncle, but I didn't get why he hated my mother and I. Growing up he always called my mother a whore or a witch. My father would get mad but he never stood up to my grandfather. My grandfather treated my uncle the worst. They always got into fights. One night, on the day of my grandmother's death, I overheard my cousins talking about my uncle. I pretended that I was focused on my game so they wouldn't leave and I could hear what they had to say. They said that my uncle blamed my grandfather and my father for my grandmothers death. Or should I say her disappearance. No one knows where my grandma went. My grandfather said he woke up one morning and she was "Just gone." He wasn't sad about her disappearance. They had been fighting, on the verge of separating. She went missing before the papers went through. The detectives working the case hit a wall almost immediately, there was no evidence on where she went. There was nothing at all. No signs of a struggle, a home invasion, nothing. Her side of the bed had been wrinkled where she had lain, but her slippers and glasses remained at the bedside. They described it as if she had suddenly vanished into thin air. There was nothing to go on. The detectives suspected my grandfather of course, but they had no evidence to back their suspicions. After two years of searching, the case went cold. The only thing in her file was her basic information and medical report. They had found no clues as where she could have gone or what might have happened to her. My uncle always blamed my grandfather. Since day one, that's what he believed. My dad was in denial. He couldn't believe my uncle's accusations. My uncle decided then, that he didn't want to be apart of the family. He left for a week, but suddenly came back. Out of everyone in the family, I was the only one my uncle loved. He was like a second dad to me, he taught me everything my real dad couldn't, which was basically everything since my dad always worked. My uncle told me that I was the reason he came back. "I couldn't bear to leave you with these batshit crazy assholes. You're the only one who knows me." Ever since then he wouldn't leave me alone with my family. He thought they might hurt me like they did my grandmother. It scared me. I didn't want to disappear too. I couldn't wrap my 8 year old brain around the thought. I loved my uncle and he was my best friend, so I believed everything he said, much to my dad's disdain. My dad was jealous. He kept me away from my uncle as much as possible. I was bored at home and the only good days were when my father told us stories about him, my aunt and my uncle when they lived at my grandfather's cabin. "We would run through the woods down to the lake and jump in. Then we would splash each other until we could barely move. After we got tired we laid in the grass on the shore and talked about our day." My dad's eyes glazed over and he looked distant. "Other days we would use sticks and leaves to make forts and have battles. The owner or the last fort standing became king for a day, and the siblings the peasants. Those were the days. I only wish you guys could have the same experience there as I did. When your grandpa dies, he will leave me the cabin and then we can move there and you can grow up where I did." He would tell us. My brothers loved the cabin, where as I felt uneasy there. It was a complete shock when my grandfather died. It was so sudden and no one wanted to believe it. It was an even bigger shock when we found out that he left the cabin to my uncle and not my father. My father was enraged at the decision and pleaded and argued with my uncle for ownership. My uncle denied my father's request and moved in, his old home was falling apart, so it was a small blessing for him. No one had touched it since my grandfather had died and there were a lot of repairs to be made. But no matter how much paint he covered that cabin in, the events that happened there haunted me. I remember the day my grandfather died specifically. How could I ever forget? He died right in front of me.

April 23, 2001

I stepped into the airport and sighed with relief. The 16 hour flight was so long and I ached down to the bone. I raised my arms above my head and stretched. My muscles loosened and the soreness ebbed away until a warm feeling enveloped my muscles, numbing them. I made out the exit and began to head that way. The airport was a lot smaller than I remembered. But then again, I was younger and a lot smaller then. Once out of the doors I spotted my uncles truck right away. My uncle was leaned against the truck, looking at the ground. He looked old and tired. His skin had a grayish tone and his once brown hair was white and speckled. He looked up at me and after a moment he smiled and waved. It shook me to my core seeing my uncle like this. He was only a shell of the man he used to be and it scared me. How long until I lose him too? After a moment I returned the smile and waved back. I jogged up to him and he pulled me into a bear hug. "Look at you!" He exclaimed "You're almost a man, look how tall you've gotten!" I chuckled and shook my head in surprise. As tired as he looked, he was very energetic. "Yeah kind of... you've gotten, um...." I trailed off realizing what I was about to say. My uncle let out a bellowing laugh and clapped his hand over my shoulder. "Go ahead, Auden, say it. I'm old." "I wasnt going to say old..." I tried. My uncle shook his head. "Yeah, yeah, sure you weren't. Say, let's stop standing around and get you back to the cabin." My uncle grabbed my bags and tossed them into the bed of his truck. I jumped into the passenger seat and waited for my uncle to get in. After a moment I looked out the back window and see my uncle in a sort of daze. He is staring into a crowd of people, fixed on someone in the crowd. "Uncle Cas?" I shout. His head snapped towards me and he looks confused for a moment before smiles and jogs towards the truck. "Sorry, buddy I was distracted a bit." He laughed. It sounded empty and I had a feeling something was bothering him. I turned my head and looked out the window as we pulled out of the airport and onto the main road. Soon the amount of cars on the road grew less and less until it was only my uncles truck. He turned into the familiar road and started to talk. I didn't hear what he said. My memories of my grandfather's cabin came flooding back, it was overwhelming.

****** Violence Warning ******

"Grandpa! Have you seen Auden?" My brother yelled. I giggled from my hiding place and peeked from behind the curtain. "No, I haven't. Say, you go find Torryn and I'll find Auden!" He suggested. His tone was strained and it made me feel un easy. My heart dropped and anxiety knotted in my stomach. "No, say no, please." I whispered. I knew he couldn't hear me but I was hoping he would sense it somehow. "Really? Thanks Grandpa!" Leven spun on his heels and ran towards the basement. "I'm coming for you Torryn!" He giggled. As Leven disappeared my grandfather turned and looked up at the stair case to where I was hiding. He didn't look normal. He looked different, more....psychotic. He started towards me, stomping extra hard on the stairs. My breath hitched and I held my breath. My eyes never left him for a second. He looked directly at me and growled, "Come here, Auden." It didn't sound like him. I bolted towards the nearest door, trying to get away. That was my first mistake. My grandfather lunged at me grabbing my collar and yanking me backwards. I land on my back and the air is pushed from my lungs. I'm terrified now, he has never hurt me before. My grandfather yanks me up by my shirt collar and pulls me towards his face. He looks crazed. I pull at his hands and try to wiggle free but he was too strong. "I told you to never play up here!" he huffed. "And I told you to never under ANY circumstances, go in that room!" He is yelling now. "I will NOT tell you again! DO NOT GO IN THAT ROOM!" His breathing became labored and he started sweating. He looked at me with such a rage I have never seen before. "If I EVER see you up here again, I will kill you." He growled. Suddenly his grip loosened and he dropped me. I crawled backwards and sat against the wall. My grandfather clutched his chest and fell to his knees. He looked up at me and scowled, sweat pouring down his face. "You little bastard, look what you've done." He growled. His face suddenly went pale and he looked anguished. His arms gave way and he fell on his face. It was all happening in slow motion. The only thing I could hear was my heart pounding in my chest and then the sickening thud of my grandfather's head hitting the stone floor. It went silent. And then my aunt screamed. Everything suddenly sped up and my parents and aunt ran up the stairs. My parents and aunt ran to my grandfather and tried to get him up. My uncle dashed past my parents and scooped me up, taking me down stairs and shoo-ing my brothers back into the basement. He sat me on the couch and sat in front of me. "Hey, you're okay Auden, dont cry, its all over." I hadn't felt the tears on my face, I didn't know when I had started to cry. I felt my body violently shake and I started crying harder. I had never been so scared. My uncle hugged me and talked to me the whole time. He talked to me the whole time my mother was on the phone with the paramedics, the whole time they tried to revive my grandfather, and he didn't even glance his way when they transported his body out the door. My uncle stayed with me and my brothers while my parents and aunt went to the hospital. We watched movies all night. When my parents came back, they told us that my grandfather had passed away. My brothers sobbed and I noticed my uncle didn't even flinch. He didn't seem to care. I felt numb and cold. I had no tears left and I felt indifferent. That man was horrible and I didnt feel sad for him. Now that he was gone, I thought I would feel better. But I still felt uneasy. We left later that night and we never came back.

"Auden!" My uncle barked. I jolted out of my thoughts and turned towards him. "Yeah? Sorry uncle Cas, I was thinking." Uncle Cas looked concerned. "Okay." He paused before turning back to me. " Auden, if you need to talk to me about anything that bothers you, I'm here to listen. I'm not going to force you to say anything but just know I'm here for you. And as I was trying to say earlier, we're here." "Oh okay, thanks uncle Cas." I knew he was referring to my parents. They passed away a month ago in a car crash. They were on their way home from a party and were hit by a drunk driver. My brothers were too busy and lived too far away, my aunt couldn't afford another mouth to feed. My uncle Cas hurriedly stepped up and adopted me. Today I was rushed onto a plane and here I am. I never thought I'd see this place again. I looked back out the window and towards the cabin. It almost look abandoned. The shadow loomed over the truck and the cabin suddenly felt unsafe. Uncle Cas hit my door a couple times, jolting me out of my thoughts. "Come on sleepy head, let's get some food in ya and you can go to bed. We will catch up tomorrow. I slowly got out of the car and followed him up the steps. He opened the door and I was hit with a musty smell. The cabin wasnt very clean but it was livable. My uncle dragged my bags upstairs. I froze when he reached for the door knob of the 'forbidden room'. I felt like I was going to panic, I couldn't go in there. "Here ya go kid." He layed my luggage down and turned to face me. "I know it isn't much, but I wasnt quite sure what you liked so I decided I'd let you decorate it." I hesitantly took a step in the room and flinched. I felt uneasy. " Its really good to have you back, Auden." My uncle smiled sadly at me. "I just wish it wasnt under these cicumstances." His face fell for a moment before brightening again. "Well I'll let you get unpacked. I'll call you when dinner is ready." He spun around and shut the door. I listened as his footsteps slowly faded into nothing. Looking around the room for the first time I realized it's nothing like I thought it would be. It looked normal. The logs were shiny and there was a full sized bed on an old metal frame. To the left was a huge window looking out into the woods, and you could see the edge of the lake. The days travel suddenly hit me and I fell back onto the bed exhausted. I felt my self beginning to drift off and decided to let sleep overtake me. I woke up feeling anxious. I could hear something moving erratically in the walls. It was large. The sounds it was making were too loud and heavy to be squirrels or raccoons. It almost sounded like a man jogging on hardwood. Suddenly it stopped. My heart sank and I felt the blood drain from my body. The noises started again and slowly made their way from the wall to the ceiling before stopping right above where I was sitting. The voice crept in like a whisper and it sounded like it was next to me. "I found you."

~ If you made it this far, I would really love some feedback to help improve this. I wrote this an hour ago and I kinda like it but I'm not sure if I should keep going or scrap this ~

submitted by /u/AnEtherealDream [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/2JcATqG

[joestories]

Joe Gould’s Secret

So, I just finished Joe Gould's Secret, and I loved it. And before I start polluting my mind with all sorts of other media, I think perhaps I should take a break and reflect on what I just read, because I found it especially meaningful.

First, it's two excellent contrasting profiles of an interesting character. The kind of character I am both intrigued by, and slightly wary of. I was immediately reminded of my friend Mark.

He had a voice that could bellow, he had no problem being the center of attention, he was bold and committed to seemingly ridiculous quests for no discernible reason. I found being around him both completely energizing and scary. I would leave with stories, and I never regretted hanging out with him, but I always had anxiety when I knew I was going to see him. And thinking back, I wonder what he was getting from me? I certainly couldn't keep up with him, but I was a willing participant in his chaos, and a willing audience, and I suppose he was always looking for an audience. And I was an old friend, a high school friend, one of the few who maintained an occasional correspondence with him after high school, via email. He would occasionally send me poems. I didn't like poetry, but I liked his.

I started to dig for this poem, and found some of our old correspondence. I talk about working on a script for my next film, something that I am hoping will get into a festival. He talks about trying K, becoming a minister, and making wine in someone's basement.

Then I found what I was looking for.

I glanced in the mirror before I left the house to make sure I looked alright....

Everything was fine so I went for a walk down to the beach. I sat for a while wondering about the way electrical outlets differ from country to country. It really is interesting that they couldnt devise a universal system... Almost as inpractacle as foriegn sign language. I mean think about it, here you have a chance to do it right but do we take the opportunity to make something simple NO! we set up 50 different versions. Well that got me angry so I decided to get up and take the streetcar home. After 20 minutes of sitting on the cement smoking cigarette after cigarette the tram came screetching in.

I entered and handed the driver a dollar

"lovely night" he said

I said to the man "sure is, did you see that horse fall in the bay?"

"well no sir i didnt"

"good thing, it was pretty sad"

I sat down next to her, she was wearing a black skirt and a plastic safeway bag with a hole cut out in the bottom, It looked just like a plastic tank top. I said to her

"Nice night for a bath"

"I already ate she said"

I could see right away she wasnt one to be outsmarted, I grabbed a handful of grapes from the waiter and ate them while staring into her eyes.

"this is my stop coming up here"

"So"

"I just figured you might want to get ready"

"for what"

"to get off"

"oh"

I pulled the stop request cord and we got off.

We walked a block or two and then I saw a look in her eyes, one that I cant even begin to explain.... So I did the only thing I could. I punched her in the eye and threw her into a pile of garbage. I kicked her for about 5 minutes then I sat down next to her. She looked at me and understood. She picked up the umbrella from the garbage and proceeded to pound me with it. When my nose started to bleed and I couldnt see straight she stopped.

We looked at each other and shouted in unison

"YOUVE READ BAUDELAIRE!!!!!"

We both got up and walked to the corner diner where I ordered us both burgers and 2 bowls of water so we could clean our bloody faces.

We talked for hours,

I told her all about my experiences during the war and she told me about her brief stint as a clown.

Then she got up and said she had to go to the bathroom... It was then that I knew what I had to do.

I quickly put both burgers in my pockets and ran out the door so she could pay the bill.

I thought about her for hours that night.

How she smiled, how she cried, how she made balloon animals.

she was amazing.

Even when I went and set the Bank Of America building on fire I could only think of her.

The next day when I was running after a kid on a big wheel I thought for an instant that I saw her but I knew that could not be, the Germans took her away... I think she's dead now.

Mark wasn't a tortured artist, but he was most certainly a bohemian. He didn't have a great work, but I think Joe Gould helped me to clarify our friendship a little bit.

I also think of Andrew, another weirdo artist. I was blessed to have so many weirdo artists in my orbit early in life. Why am I not a weirdo? Did I think I would always be blessed with weirdos around me? Because I'm not sure where they've all gone.

I think I need to get a little weirder.

But I digress. Joseph Mitchell certainly sees something in Joe Gould. Mitchell is the straight man, the artist seeking inspiration from the fringes of society, and Joe Gould seems to embody that perfectly.

After reading the first essay, the worst word that might be used to describe Gould is irascible. He is someone proudly occupying the fringes of society. These are qualities that you root for because you're a frumpy old sod if you don't. You want to support him because if you don't you're not cool.

The first essay left me a little sad about New York in its current incarnation. Where are the opinionated poets and painters? Are they in Bushwick?

I loved the story immediately. It was familiar and it wasn't. It was New York, and I love New York stories. It was about an artist on an impossible quest, which is the thing I love so much in Paul Auster's stories.

It's also about life on the fringes, in Bowery flophouses, in the now gone diners and dive bars of the Village. And as sort of a straight man, I can relate to Joseph Mitchell's fascination (and later annoyance) with Gould.

So, we have this character who is a larger than life character writing a larger than life book in a past New York. Struggling artist, old New York, and an author who is himself a bit of a tortured artist. And the writing is so sharp and flows so easily. Mitchell is an incredible wordsmith, and Gould is such a fantastic subject. I found myself highlighting so many sections. Here's how the founder of a poetry event described Joe Gould:

“He isn’t serious about poetry. We serve wine at our readings, and that is the only reason he attends. He sometimes insists on reading foolish poems of his own, and it gets on your nerves. At our Religious Poetry Night he demanded permission to recite a poem he had written entitled ‘My Religion.’ I told him to go ahead, and this is what he recited: ‘In winter I’m a Buddhist, And in summer I’m a nudist.’

He seems to rankle all the right people. Knock down the people who are a little too self important. He's some weird patron saint of the intellectual underworld. He embodies the spirit of some sort of troubled yet resilient artist we want to believe exists.

But he's more of a symbol than a reality. The more reality intrudes, the less fun the story is. And this is where the much longer follow-up essay picks up.

The first story feels like it's a polished little gem. The doubts we have about Gould are "good" doubts. He's a character, he's rubbed many the wrong way.

But in the second essay, written years after Gould's death in 1957, the ugly truth is told. Mitchell becomes a character in the story, and through his relationship with Gould, you start to see cracks in Gould's facade.

Gould's presentation of himself seems rehearsed. He seems to have routines that he draws on and reuses, like a standup comedian who doesn't ever develop new material. People that interact with him regularly, such as the counter man at a diner, seem to hate him.

At one point, he describes how a poem he created may have turned a lot of people against him. It was a poem against the anti-capitalists, who were having a moment in the 1930s, and he felt like it was a trend, so he wrote a poem called The Barricades and took to reciting it at parties whenever possible. It would always make some laugh and others upset. Gould goes on and on about this poem. I kept wondering if we'd get the poem, and we finally do, and it's only a few lines with a cheap gag payoff. About the death of comrades (behind the barricades at a fancy restaurant) by over-eating. It's funny in a throwaway sort of way, but in Gould's mind it was this was a large, impactful work that hardened hearts against him.

More revealing is what happens when Mitchell starts to read his notebooks. He finds that they are all the same couple of stories, written over and over again.

Ah, I haven't even talked about The Oral History of the World. This is Gould's master work, introduced in the first essay, and it does seem to ignite the imagination when described. He wants to give voice to the underprivileged on New York, to share the lives and the words of everyday New Yorkers, so that in the (apocalyptic?) future, we might see in them hints of what was to come. And supposedly, his manuscript is over 8 million words. Doing some quick math, at novel size that's 32,000 pages. It's something fantastically long. 14 publishing houses have rejected it for being obscene or unreadable. He is working on it constantly. It is at the core of his identity. And when he cadges (what a great word, bring it back!) money from acquaintances and strangers alike, he says it's for the Joe Gould fund, which will allow him to keep working on it.

So, as part of his research, Joe Mitchell wants to read it. He is able to scrounge some notebooks entrusted to a friend, and is dismayed to find a discursive essay about his father's death, a tongue-in-cheek story (with lots of bogus and unconvincing statistics) about how tomatoes are ruining railroad conductors, a memoir about measuring the heads of Native Americans as part of a eugenics experiment, and an essay about his mother's death. These all take long journeys away from their source material, but as Mitchell turns up more notebooks, he finds only these four stories, told with different discursions, over and over again.

Gould explains that this is the essay part of the Oral History, there are also the interviews, but they are locked away safely in a basement in Long Island, since America is at war (it's 1942) and he doesn't want them to be destroyed. Mitchell wants to see them, and there's a story about how the owner of the house where they are kept is away in Floria, possibly for years, and won't allow access to them. Mitchell is about to kill the story, so Gould tells me that he has a fantastic recall of them, and they start meeting, night after night, in Gould's local dive bar, and Gould imparts more and more of the contents to him, until, after several of these 8+ hour sessions, Mitchell is satisfied. Wasn't this the framing narrative of Arabian Nights? The protagonist must keep telling stories so she is allowed to live another day.

Now, I've certainly had doubts about the existence of Gould's text for most of the essay, but it becomes clear what's what when Mitchell, in hopes of finding someone else to receive Gould's constant, exhausting visits, tries to fix him up with a publisher. This person is willing to go the extra mile in every way possible to clear all obstacles in the way of Gould having his manuscripts ready for publishing. Gould has nothing but excuses, with his final one being "I'd rather it be published posthumously." Which angers Mitchell, rightfully so, who has worked to get a publisher to meet with Gould (Gould skipped out on the last one Mitchell set up).

And in the end, it's clear there's no manuscript. But Mitchell doesn't want to shatter this thing that is so intrinsic to Gould's identity. So he keeps his mouth shut.

And it's too bad it wasn't real. It makes me think of the things that have come since that sound similar. There's Overheard in New York. And Humans of New York. Joe Gould was on to something, but he was incapable of following through.

In the end, I think I side with the author. While Joe Gould's would-be book sounds like it could be incredible, the real thing would likely fall short of everyone's imagined version. Even so, I want a world with more Joe Goulds in it. He invented a personality that worked for him and seemed to inspire outsiders to some degree. He put on a show. And I guess when you start to really know someone, the reality will always be disappointing.

Is this a cautionary tale? No, I don't think so. But learning that this was the last thing Mitchell ever wrote was sort of eerie. He was such a talent. Maybe that's the real story here; Joe Gould's undoing was also Joseph Mitchell's undoing.

Josh reminded me when we spoke on the phone today, he sees me as having a high level of talent. I'm not doing much with it either.

I did just uninstall Clash Royale from the last device that still had it, we'll see if that helps. Feels like kicking a heroin habit. I just threw it all down the toilet and flushed it.

"Henry Wadsworth Longfellow translates perfectly into sea gull," he said. "On the whole, to tell you the truth, I think he sounds better in sea gull than he does in English."

[learningtocope]

Getting My Diagnosis

So I guess right now I’m gonna start from the beginning, kind of..? I will put a trigger warning on this as it may be read by others...

How I got diagnosed is kind of a shitty story, I was diagnosed at age 16 with Clinical Depression. I was put on medication and it did help, for a period of time. After about 2 and a half to three years-ish I felt like I was losing the ability to actually feel emotion? Like I knew when I should have felt happy and I could smile and what not, but I couldn’t feel the happiness in my chest and that upset me.  So I stopped taking my medication and began to feel better, some days were worse then others. That’s normal though, until they start becoming more frequent again. I went back to my doctor after about a year and explained the situation to him again. Obviously my doctor was rather upset that I had not come to him originally to change my medication but he also understood at the same time, I was living about 3 hours of my doctor at that time. He prescribed me a medication called Zoloft. Zoloft is super effective for some people, so I accepted the medication change and asked when my follow appointment was to see how I was adjusting and he told me there was no need for a follow up.

At the time I didn’t think it mattered much either.

Fast forward about 3 months, I call my mom and tell her goodbye on my way home from work. I had everything planned before I got on the bus, but I wanted to hear my mom. I wanted her to know I loved her. I had told my “friend” (we’ll call them) that I would by to pick something up as the bus stop was just across from her house. I knew she’d be watching for me and I didn’t want it to seem odd so I went in and got what I needed. The tears were in my eyes as I stood there knowing this would likely be the last time I see her, we were never really super close but we were close enough that I knew I was going to miss her. I left in a rush to get home, I locked the door behind me and threw what I had picked up onto the table in the living room before going to my bedroom. I grabbed a box of band-aids and the bottle of Zoloft and headed to the bathroom.  I sat and stared at the pill bottle in my hand... I was done. I didn’t want to breath. I didn’t want to hear my heart beating in my ears. I didn’t want to live. At that moment as I cried all I could think of was my little sister, I helped raise her with my mother and I know she loves me with all her heart. I knew she’d be devastated. My little brother.  I hoped my mom wasn’t sitting on her bed crying, even though I knew she was. She knew what I was planning on doing, I was sure of it. I thought of my Best friends and the ones I talked so many times out of this. I was a hypocrite. There I was telling them that there was so much for them to live for, that there was people who loved them and that they needed to always remember that.  The thoughts had me cry so hard I had dropped the bottle on the floor, but inside the band-aid box, which was in my lap, had something just as good.  I pulled out the wadded up issue that was in there and began to cut. I hadn’t gotten very far when I heard the front door knob turn. My stomach dropped. My room mate was home. Then a knock as I pulled out a giant band-aid and stuck it over the area that was bleeding and pulled down my sleeve before shoving everything into my sweater pockets to bring to me with my room. The knock was odd, my roommate always had her keys but I wasnt taking any chances. If I didn’t go to the door she’d call me and know I was home. 

When I walked around the corner and saw who was standing outside of my front door through the window, I felt my anger and despair  rise. If I had done it already I wouldn’t have had to come to the door, I simply wouldn’t have been able too.  Two police officers stood outside my front door. We stared at each other a moment through the glass before he knocked on the door again, still staring at each other. I slowly unlocked the door and opened it, I couldn’t really feel anything anymore. I had lost the ability to feel after I dropped the bottle. I couldn’t feel the sting on my arm, I couldn’t feel my heart beating, my breath filling my lungs. I could just imagine what my face must have looked like.  They already knew my name, the addressed me by it as soon as the door cracked open even the slightest. They asked me what was going on, told me my mother had phoned them, and asked if they could come inside.  I reluctantly stepped aside and let them come into my home. I looked and the table and rolled my eyes remebering what was all over my living room table. I had enough to deal with already I didn’t need that aswell. Once inside they told me I had two choices. 1. Go willing in an ambulance to the Hospital 2. Refuse to go and be taken there by them in the back of their car.

I remember saying, “Well, cloth restraints wont leave as bad a bruise as cuffs would.” and he radioed in to let the ambulance that was on its way already know I wasn’t in critical condition and had agreed to go willing in the ambulance.  When it arrived I had just finished on the phone with my roommate, who was coming to the hospital after she was done work to see me. 

The ambulance ride was hell. They asked me to turn over anything I had on my person that could cause harm to me or someone else. If I did not do this willing they would have a female nurse search me when I arrived.  I reached into my pocket and pulled out the pills, handing them reluctantly to him. “Anything else?”  The blade in my bra felt more noticable on the skin where it pressed against. My face must have changed, he reminded me again that they would search me at the hospital if he felt I didn’t hand everything over. I inhaled deeply and took it out. I held it within my hand a moment before passing it aswell to him.  Yes I was angry now, but how much angrier would I have been had they strip searched me at the hospital? My anger boiled, tears began to spill from my eyes. I reached for the buckle that kept me in place in the seat. I was told I couldn’t do that. It clicked open and I put my head in my hands, “I want to go home.” was all I repeated as I kept trying to stand up only to have him put his hands on my shoulders and slowly sit me back down in the moving ambulance. I fought with him the entire way to the hospital yelling and crying that I was going home. I wasn’t going into the hospital, I didn’t care what they or my mother thought, she called for no reason. 

When I was brought in they examined me. My arm was fairly covered, none too deep so there was no worry from them outside of the fact there was something going on and that I needed help and had agreed with them before hand.  I was moved down to the ward waiting room, where they examine you and determine wiether you are able to leave the premises or if you’ll be there anywhere between just one night to 72 hours. This is call suicide watch. I waited a long time before I was seen and they requested alot of information from me. After I had answered all her questions, I asked the only on I had.

“I’m going home after this?” 

I saw the nurses face change and I knew what she was going to say before she could prepare to speak. “I need to go home. I need to go home. You guys have everything. I need to go home. Please. I’m begging you. Let me go home.” The thought of being locked up in a room with no way to contact those I love and need in times like this only to be poked, prodded and questioned by doctors made my anxiety rise to the point where I felt the vomit in the back of my throat.  She told me she’d speak with the doctor and be back shortly. It was the longest wait of my life. There was no way I was staying. I noticed there was a door to the hallway just beside me and if I needed to I could bolt out it and hopefully be gone before anyone can get me. I wasn’t staying. When the nurse came back, she asked me if I would be alone within the next 72 hours if she let me go home. I told her my room mate had already offered to take a few days off work if I needed her too.  She handed me a piece of paper with a phone number, a time, and a date for 72 hours from then as I had been bumped to the top of the list. My release conditions were; I couldn’t be alone whatsoever within the next 72 hours. I had to call the phone number on the paper the following day to confirm the appointment, if I didn’t the police would be sent to bring me back. I had to follow through and go the appointment, if I didn’t the police would be sent to bring me back. 

My mom and little brother had drove up the next day to see me. It was nice to see them and have them there to support me, but when they left the following day I felt alone. 

When I went to the appointment I was sat down and ran through the same questions again. After a while the questions started to change a little bit, alot more of “okay well between the 2 weeks prior, what were you feeling like? mmhmm okay and what about this week?”  After I had again answered all of someones questions, them picking apart my brain to no end. She looked at me said I was on the spectrum between Bipolar Disorder or Border-Line Personality Disorder (BPD). Both diagnosis have very, very similar signs and that she would review everything and have a diagnosis by the NEXT appointment, great.

Even hearing that made me angry. There was no way. I couldn’t be. I tried googling the signs and descriptions of each disorder to try and figure out for myself weither I have any of these signs or feel the way others with the disorders do. Even after reading I mean, I thought I was just very moody still. Not Bipolar or BPD. Sure as shit I got to my next appointment, 

“You have bipolar disorder.”

My brain couldn’t compute, My anger bubbled, but I chewed the inside of my lip and rubbed my face shaking my head. There was no way. She began talking about the disorder, trying to explain it me the best way she can. Informing me of the signs I showed and how to start learning to recognize my highs and my lows. 

Medication 

Another thing I hate and have now got to get used to again. Another reason I stopped my first medication was I didn’t like the thought of having to rely on a pill to live my life.  But the truth is I do, and I have to learn to accept that it isnt a bad thing. It doesnt make me weak.  Its one of the biggest struggles. I ended moving back to my home town once my medication was regulated and fully in my system. I felt myself be more kind of balanced out, in a way I supposed. The embarressing thing is I am living back home at age 21 because I need more support then I’d like to admit. I can’t be alone alot still, I find I beat myself up too much when I am. Sleep is always hard to come by still, I still flip between Insomniac and Hypersomniac. 

That was much longer than I had anticipated it to be, but that is how I got my diagnosis.  Writing it out actually made me feel alittle bit better today, a slight weight lifted a bit let go.