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therandypandy · 6 years ago

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2018 My Year: Breaking Down the Edit + A Reminder to Myself + A Note to Her

2018 was easily the most insane year of my life. Both Good, and Bad, and I really felt as if making a year recap video was the best way for me to look back when I’m further down my career. This was probably the best year yet for my career, and the fact that I can say, “I am in my career.” Blows my fucking mind. I seriously have a career where I take pictures of other people and brands and represent them. I literally make a living by taking and editing photos. That is fucking crazy. With my work, each and every single frame or piece that I release is 100% completely intentional. That is the one thing I have control over as an artist. So here’s to breaking down the edit.

To start, this project took 2 months to complete. The hardest part for me was to pick the right song. This is my first venture towards youtube (not seriously but I still have my brand to represent), meaning I get to pick which direction I want to take my channel, and I want to make the right decisions. So here is the list of possible songs that I wanted to use as well as reasons why I didn’t use them:

One Man Can Change The World - Big Sean (One of my most favorite songs of all time, it’s peaceful and it carries a good message with a background from the less fortunate. I definitely relate to it.)

Midsummer Madness - 88Rising (I REALLY wanted to use this but Joji says, “Fucked up” too many times, I wanted to keep my content without cussing due to well.. Professionalism :/)

Head In The Clouds - 88Rising (My 2nd pick. I wanted to use this song to support another Asian artist and to have more Asian American representation in my work. BUT, this song was about Joji being high and missing his ex. Once I found that out through Genius, I definitely knew the feeling because that is exactly how I felt throughout the process of making this video but; I don’t need her to know that I miss her. I don’t need the rest of the world to know that either. This part of me isn’t something that I wanted my followers to know.)

Bigger Than Me - Big Sean (I wanted this to be my first pick just so badly. As a minority, I definitely understand the struggle of having to work twice as hard just to be as successful as the white man. This was the song I related to the most throughout this list. That’s because the main thing I’ve learned about pursuing photography, is that this whole thing is much bigger than me. It’s the reactions on my subject’s faces whenever I show them what I captured of them, it’s their pure innocent happiness when they look at a photo of themselves and are thrilled about themselves. It’s about being there and being able to document parts of my friends lives, whether it’s for weddings, or even capturing a funeral. Photography is one of the few things I do that I consider almost selfless to me. Why I didn’t use this song is because Big Sean says, “I’ve seen people stay at the same place in life for 10 years, man that shit’s pathetic.” While I agree with it, I can’t use this because it makes me seem like I view others as lower than me, which I don’t, but I agree that everyone should be moving up in their lives, always, not stay at the same place. Staying at the same place is comforting, but comfort is the biggest enemy of growth. If I’m not growing anymore, then I leave.)

Congratulations - Post Malone (I really wanted to use this song towards the end of my video, after getting my new job, but I feel like it’s bragging and not typically the person I am, however this is really how I felt. “Work so hard I forgot how to vacation.” is something I felt. Because even when I travel, I’m working. Every time I go to Houston, Austin, this most recent trip to Colorado, I am still working. While yes, I do love what I do, but at the end of the day, work is still work.)

Ghost Town - Kanye West (I was going to use this song in the second half of the video, immediately after the glitched footage of her and I. I was going to start off the second half with the verse, “And nothing hurts anymore I feel kinda free but ultimately I decided not to because that was the only part of the song that I like LOL)

Better Now - Post Malone (I was going to use a very very short snippet of this song during the parts where her and I appear in a clip together, but I decided no sound effects / ambient music because this video wasn’t supposed to be flashy, but really just a story of my year.)

Good Life - Kanye West (What a wonderful and lovely song. I wanted to use this because despite all of the negative things that happen to me, I still have a good life. I work hard, care for my friends, try my best to remain kind, pay my mom’s bills, and slowly but surely turning my dreams into reality BUT this song is a little too old and I wanted something more recent.)

Pursuit of Happiness - Kid Cudi (This song has been played thousands of times and is SUCH a classic, but it’s too old and I don’t want to be using older songs.)

Surfin’ - Kid Cudi (One of the most accurate songs that represent how I’m feeling when it comes to my career. I’m surfing on my own waves, I’m creating my own future. I’m not leeching off of anyone. This is me. I did this shit, but.. I wanted to represent something bigger than me and to represent more of my own people.)

Deja Vu - J. Cole (Okay, the reason why I chose this song is petty, and was how I was trying to cope with coming to terms after watching my ex replace me just so fast and easily. “She fucks with small-town niggas, I got bigger dreams.” This is what I told myself over and over thousands of times to get myself to move on. While yes, I was a small town guy. Both Albuquerque and Arlington are relatively small towns. Yes, I have ridicuously unrealistic dreams. But that’s the thing, I have big dreams. None of what I accomplished should have been possible compared to the “stable” shit that my family and what people in my heritage want; but I’m fucking doing it. I’ve been paying for my mothers and I’s bills, I’ve been supporting my family with photography, I am living the dream.)

Sunflower - Rex Orange County (This will actually be used later)

Sunflower - Post Malone, Swae Lee (I actually used this song for LDPsi)

Blessings - Chance The Rapper (The beginning of this song reminds me of one word: Hopeful. I guess this is the naitivity in me, I guess no matter what it is that I’m going through, this I always try to remain hopeful and to keep my head held up high. Is it wishful thinking? Possibly, but this is a part of who I am. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I chose not to use this song because it was too slow. My year was a rollercoaster, this doesn’t reflect that.)

Runaway - Kanye West (Honestly this song is just legendary, I love it so much. But it hit home for me, especially the opening line, “And I always find something wrong, you’ve been putting up with my shit for just way too long.” This was more directed towards her. Maybe I should not have held the fact that I was going to therapy from her. After it hit April in 2018, every time I opened up to her about how I felt or even the truth about her actions, I only ended up hurting her. And it was such a terrible feeling. Why is it that I couldn’t even tell my own girlfriend my feelings because it would hurt her? There were moments when I had to hide a lot of my feelings and thoughts because I didn’t want to be the one hurting her, and that hurt me. Every time I opened up, it began to feel more and more like a mistake and that I should just keep my mouth shut. And there was something wrong with that. And later on towards this song, “Let’s have a toast to the jerk offs, that’ll never take work off.” This hit me deep, because I was that guy. I never did take work off, and she once said, “Sometimes it feels like I have something really cool to show and tell you, but you’re like that dad that’s working on his computer and I’m just a distraction.” That really hurt me and is something that I will always remember. It was so hard on our relationship. I wasn’t born into money, my parents/immediate family never went to college. I was considered “less fortunate” among many of my friends for a good portion of my life. I’ve been homeless twice in my life. Once was this year, even though it was only a day, all of my biggest fears came true. It sucks that I have to work so much, but if I don’t work, I would be starving. This is more of a different backgrounds type situation. “Baby I’ve got a plan, runaway as fast as you can.”

These Days - Mike Stud (This song will probably be used in March for Mercedes Benz) (Yeahhhh that’s gonna be explained later this year)

Blow My High (Members Only) - Kendrick Lamar (This song has such an amazing vibe and I will never get over it. “Look at my life then look at yours. Get some ambition, why you bored? Time’ll never wait on no man, Society will never hold your hand.” This is probably my favorite verse because one thing stands out to me, Ambition. I believe that this is the one quality any person needs to be successful. I hate it whenever I hear that someone is bored. I hate it when people have the same day-to-day routine. How ambitionless can you be??? I didn’t use this song despite it being fire because, I don’t want people to think that I think I’m hot shit. Because I’m not. I know that, but I can’t stand people without any ambition. I 100% consider that this is due to my upbringing, but that is the reason why I WILL be successful. However, it’s a little old.)

Hotline Bling - Drake (Okay, I’ll admit, this song was something a little more personal to me. Because I relate to Drake’s position in this song. This song is definitely something I could make a video to, and it’s challenging which I like because the vibe of this song isn’t what I normally do, but I said to myself, keep my love life out of my work.)

Voices In My Head/Stick To The Plan - Big Sean (One of my most favorite songs from his I Decided album. This song definitely help me deal with my emotions outside of therapy. “I done seen this shit happen a hundred times on the regular. But I still crossed the line like I’m blind, damn. Voices in my head saying I could do better.” in 2018, this meant heartbreak. Every day on social media you see people falling in love, you see people having their heart broken. And then, when I felt like I was at my possible lowest in terms of mental health, I slowly watched myself get replaced. I wanted this break because dealing with diagnosed depression sucks as it is, and then having a break up on top of that, followed by Danny’s death. That whole thing fucking sucked, and for some reason all I could think about was her. She was the only one I wanted to be there for me, and she wasn’t. I always promised myself I would never drive out of town to see someone, I always said I would never pay for a hotel or an air bnb just to see a girl. I did a lot of things for her that I said I would never do, and damn. That shit sucked. “Voices in my head, conscience talking to me like, Look, STICK TO THE PLAN.” The entire 2nd verse is about Big Sean reminding himself to not let others see his emotions. I have goals that I want to accomplish. I have a future that I need to create. STICK TO THE PLAN. However like he says, “Stay focused, don’t let these niggas see your emotions.” I chose NOT to do this song because it would have been too obvious for a lot of people on why I DID choose this song. I can’t keep thinking about her and I need to accomplish my goals. Turns out the thing I do best during heartbreaks, is working even harder.)

Hollywood Hills (Feat. Breanna Martin) - Cristion D’or (Vivian showed me this song when she came to visit me during Christmas from Boston and I loved it. I felt the lyrics 100%. But this isn’t the right song for me to use, not yet. Chances are, I will use this song in the video I make when I move to Los Angeles. Until then, I’ll keep it in my bank.

Fake Love - Drake (I wanted to use this so bad for the second half of my video. For years since I’ve pursued photography, I have felt just so much fake love. What I didn’t expect was that I would feel this way about her. All I’ve ever wanted since pursuing photography was just some damn support. But apparently that’s too much to ask for. “I was down for so long it looked like up to me” is the best way I could describe all of 2018. I was 100% intending on using this song up until the Christmas party at Adel’s house. I don’t even remember why I even went to that party in the first place, but I’m glad that I did. When I was there, I had people personally pull me aside and talked to me privately how much they loved my work, how much I’ve grown, and that they could tell how much effort I put into it. For the first time in a long time, I smiled so fucking hard, I had to hold back some tears. It meant a lot. For some reason, after going head on with photography, I disregarded a lot of people from UTA because I felt that they didn’t really support me. But I’m glad to be proven wrong. Plus, it woulnd’t have looked good for my image.)

Gravity (Feat. Daisy) - yetep (It took me until Janurary 1st, 2019 to pick this song for my video. It took me getting drunk at Norazos with Brenda for me to decide that I was so inspired by Crazy Rich Asians that I wanted to see more Asian American’s pursuing unorthodox careers. This one of the biggest things I learned about my relationship with Kamille. From when we were friends to us dating and breaking up and now strangers again, I had always been pushing her to sing more often and to practice and pursue it. She always said back, “I want to do something a little more realistic.” This was a pretty defining thing throughout our relationship. I was always the one that believed in doing the impossible, to escape your reality, to believe in chasing your dreams. In 2018 I shot and covered yetep, an Asian American DJ from Los Angeles. Now while I’m not the biggest fan of EDM, I do want to support other artists especially from Asian descent, because I want to see more of it. I want us to be able to prove our parent’s generation wrong, that art can be a successful career. While yes, the biggest differences between our generation is priviledge. They had to do whatever it takes to survive, we have the priviledge of choosing what we want to do. I have a giant chip on my shoulder to prove my family as well as my peers that I can be successful as a photographer. As for this song, it reminded me of 3 different moods: hopeful, reminisce, and self-reflection.)

It took me 2 months to choose 1 song, and it was a whole journey for me mentally.

So the intro screen begins with it being a solid screen with text, and about halfway into it, it flickers and glitches into the next text, before flickering again into actual footage. This is supposed to symbolize the state of my mental health throughout the year. It was about halfway throughout the year that all of the things on my plate really got to me and more importantly, my mental health. Much like glitching, it shows chaos in my life, things that I couldn’t quite control, and it directly introduces how unbalanced my mental health is.

The next 2 scenes symbolize the two biggest things I learned about myself this year. Hope. It starts off with looking up at the sky, zoomed in, and as it zooms out and speeds up. This is to represent that my head is always in the clouds, and after some time as I learn and grow and see the bigger picture, and how fast the world will fly by you. This is followed by footage that I captured in Malibu, looking through the leaves of grass into the shining sun and onto the beautiful house. This is to represent that I am hopeful about my life, my future, and that I want to create a future that I want, and having something I’ve never had, a home.

This is where I reveal that this is a homage to my year, in the forest looking past a river and small waterfall, this represents several things. My ex was really into astrology and as a Pisces, I am a water sign. I personally view water as super powerful, as it flows through everything in life and even when it finds an obstacle, it looks for ways past it. As it zooms out, this is more of a “This journey is bigger than me.”

This scene is followed by me on the road holding my camera into the mirror with a car behind us as we drive through the road. This is me self-reflecting throughout the year. The car in the mirror is my past, my history. As I’m moving throughout life, my past isn’t too far from me. It is a part of who I am, but it does not define me. It is just lessons learned. The footsteps is me continuing to move on in my life.

I made sure to put my best friends as the first people to appear in this video, my day 1s and the people I can always rely on.

For Sheena, Deanna, and Paul; Thank you for always believing in my photography when I didn’t believe in myself. You guys are why I have the courage to do what I love doing. Thank you. I love you all.

This is to show that my work or field has taken me on adventures, doing things that I never thought I would do. My whole life has been on the road, but I have met some amazing and talented people in my career and I don’t think it’s stopping any time soon.

Thank you so much Dorian, you will probably never read this but thank you for always being open to helping me and providing me constructive criticism. Thank you for pushing and believing in me when you don’t even know what you’re doing yourself.

To Melanie, you too will never read this and that’s okay. Thank you for sliding into my DMs all those years ago. It’s strange and weirdly unprofessional to befriend one of your clients, but you are the reason why I was able to afford buying gifts, your business allowed me to pay bills when I was struggling. Thank you for believing in my craft and still consistently working with me. I am so proud to see you grow confidence and becoming better as a model and even working with other photographers. Once I’m gone, I expect you to still pursue modelling.

To the other Vienna Angels that I met on my first trip out for doing photography: Ayssa, Kaylie, Bryce, and Kourtney; Working with you guys on this trip made me realize that this is truly what I want to do for the rest of my entire life.

This sequence starts off with me running up the stairs, and I’m not going to lie, this clip was actually filmed in 2017, however I used it in this situation to represent me climbing the stairs and progressing towards my career. As I rise up these steps, so will my career and future. This lined up with my song choice because the music was on the rise as well. Followed by footage of me with Kamille and me with Harold.

Now the reason why I decided to put her in my video:

I could very well have easily not put her in my video, and simply pretended like she wasn’t in my life last year just as she pretended I wasn’t in hers. And you know what? That’s okay. I was really hurt by it for a long time, but I told myself, I wanted this to be my best and more importantly, honest video. She was a really important person in my life. And I guess that’s why I was just so absolutely devastated for so long. She had been the person that was there with me when my photography was just contacting local girls that I had found photogenic, to my launching my website and establishing my own reputation and brand. She was there to witness and support a lot of my achievements and accomplishments, and so I put her in the video, as an honest reminder to myself.

Next up was Harold, one of the most successful people I know in my own circle. He has always believed in my work and has always supported me, all the while knowing how unlikely this pursuit is, versus his own career. But that didn’t matter to him, he has always been there for the good and bad times, thank you so so much for the support, pledge bro. It meant the absolute world to me.

And then the music transitions into a much slower beat, and I viewed this as a self-reflection moment. It starts off on this DJ I met when I shot my first rave last year, the DJ in this shot goes by the name, Paragrime. Another young and talented creator in the Dallas area, and I suppose I relate to him. We’re both young, early into our pursuits and really just trying to make our dreams come true. The shot then switches to Harold, looking in awe of the world around him (okay this was scripted) but really to show how I feel 95% of the time since pursuing art. Like, wow, this is really happening, life is beautiful. Followed by a shot with Tammy and I laughing and overall being giant goofballs. Now Tammy, she was the person that truly convinced me that I could actually do photography professionally. When I first met her, this was all just a hobby, just something I did for fun. She was the one person that fully made me believe in myself. Followed by a shot with Melanie, now Melanie first contacted me in 2017 (I think?) And in that time span, she has grown SO much as a model and person and I am so so so proud of her. It’s weird now how she’s one of the few girls that I now go to for girl advice? Nonetheless, happy and proud.

Then comes the fast and intense sequence of having my first big break. I did it in such a fast and intense manner because, that’s how that week felt for me. This was the first big moment in pursuing photography that really had me thinking, “Holy shit, this is actually fucking happening. My dreams are really coming true. I want to do this for the rest of my life.”

The truth is, this was SUCH an exhausting week for me. From waking up at 7 and working and socializing until 10pm every day for a week straight, I was absolutely drained by the second day, and I loved every single second of it. I didn’t care how exhausted or tired I was, I was doing what I loved, and what made me happy.

To my first rave, it was a pretty incredible experience being able to shoot this. While I don’t personally like EDM myself, there’s nothing I want to do more than to support other artists, especially of Asian descent. Yetep was such a cool guy, but I learned real quick that this wasn’t what I want to be shooting. I had an extremely TERRIBLE experience with their management and I ended up ghosting their management and never released footage to them.

Moral of the experience: Don’t fucking undervalue artists. My job is to make sure you look good. I know my worth, don’t you dare fucking offer me $50 as compensation.

Now while this wasn’t the first wedding I covered, it was the first wedding I filmed. Now I charged really really low for this, but it wasn’t about the money. This was more about documenting a special day in an amazing friend’s life. Vivian has been such an amazing friend to me, since day one, and although we are not nearly as close as we used to be back in high school, life has simply just taken us in different directions. She is without a doubt the kindest soul I know. Despite us not being super close, she was one of the few that was more than ready to be there for me after Danny’s passing. She made sure I was okay. She reassured me that even though she was married and has a family now, that her and Cuong would always be there for me, and that meant the absolute world. Thank you so much, Vivian. I have so much love for you.

A short segment of my day trip with Harold to Chicago, I kept it short just as how the trip was short. This was my second time being in Chicago but I went because Harold really wanted to just experience the city (plus flights were SUPER cheap), but all in all, an amazing time. :)

Now this is definitely out of order chronologically, but I placed this sequence specifically together because of the lyrical content.

I’m caught up in the center of your whirlwind, your world within has got it’s hold on me.

This would be my most accurate representation of how I felt about her. While she doesn’t want me in her life anymore, and she hates my soul because of how things seemed, rather than what actually happened, I was still just so attached to her. She was the one I always saw as my queen, the person I wanted by my side no matter what. And I specifically placed the flickering lightbulb as a double entendre:

During May when I was in town for her birthday, I accidentally overslept AND had scheduled a photoshoot with my big on the same day as her birthday, and she understandably she was upset about it, and I don’t blame her. This was the moment that I began to question if I wanted to seriously continue pursuing photography, because I wanted to give more of my time to her. Because she seriously meant more to me, than photography. I loved her more than I loved doing what I love.

The second meaning was that while I was in Houston doing what I loved, while my family at home was falling apart. And the solid light, slowly beginning to flicker, is the representation of my mental health and stability. This is where I began to fall apart.

March 15th, 2019 - Note: Okay so I took another month break from finishing this explanation, a lot of things have been happening lately and it’s crazy that I began writing this almost 6 weeks ago. Whoops.

Now after the ending of the last scene, this next sequence is both a play on the lyrics, “So hold me hand in hand, you’re in orbit.” I made sure to include clips of my close friends, as well as symbolic references of friendship and peace.

This immediately opens into a dramatic skyline reveal shot to sync with the music. And fun fact, this shot, as well as the UTA campus shot, was my first time ever practicing a real timelapse. The skyline was actually in Houston when I was there for the Miss Texas USA competition.

Now notice, the timelapse began with the sky being still relatively bright, as the clouds swoosh into darkness. Another representation of how my mental health felt during the latter half of next year. I have never told anyone this, except for my therapist.

Then begins the next shot of UTA’s sign. this really symbolizes me going back to school. The beginning of last year I wasn’t even school because of my GPA, and going back was an eye-opening experience for me. And as it was eye-opening, this scene literally reveals the next shot of Miss Oklahoma USA. Now I chose this shot not because of who she is, but of the overall tone and colors of these shots. The high energy of this song matched with the bright and smiling clips of Triana. And also, I was only given like a 3 day heads up that I would be filming her and I was definitely freaking out.

The intense energy of this song carries over to this next sequence. Now once again, this part is slightly out of chronological order, however, not by much.

This is the behind the scenes of when we put together this photo booth. Now Paul and I have been talking about this photo-booth since the summer of 2017, and we finally began making enough money to really put this idea together. Towards the end of November we got together and started talking about the finances of this. We ordered all the necessary parts and we planned out when we would be building this. December 6th was the day we agreed on. December 4th was when Danny took his life. December 5th was the day that I found out. I couldn’t say no to Paul because we already planned it out. Now I was grieving hard during this day. I started filming because it was the only way that I could distract myself and because this would be an entire vlog in of itself. This was the process of us building this photobooth and a clip of our first clients.

Now I haven’t done any work to promote it since then or even put the images up on my website, but I really do need to. This is also a reminder to myself to redo my website again, after I’m done with Crab Station’s.

Now this next segment was a random collection of several things: My Saturday shoot with Paris Raegan 4 Year Anniversary with Gammas Oklahoma trip with 1st Retreat Paul and Deanna surprising me with my own bed Last minute Lac Tran Uji hangout for my little bro Azhaan’s last night in America Cars from shooting with KLD and Izabella Roig Filming Miss Oklahoma USA BTS from my first photobooth client And my second catalog shoot with Vienna Another reminder to myself of some of the adventures that I had last year that definitely made me want to pursue my craft.

As the music rises, I did this next sequence with 2 time-lapses that were done in a reveal fashion to reveal Chelsea Morgansen, and another to reveal Izabella Roig, followed by Victoria Hinojosa and Ayssa Nicole.

This opens up to something a lot more personal... First it goes INTO a clip of barely lit coal, followed by a stack of very lit coal and then my pledge bro La tending to the flames. I wanted this to represent where I felt I was at with my photography earlier last year, followed by me focusing on my craft.

Then followed my clip of Kevin throwing that dart onto the dart board. Now this was my first time playing with darts, and it was oddly symbolic. With darts, you kinda just throw and hope that it lands on the board, with a point system based off of where you land. And honestly... That’s literally been my social media / photography strategy. Doing different concepts and honestly seeing what performs well.

This is followed by the sign of “Nothing Lasts Forever..” and then a clip of Kamille and I singing All My Life immediately followed by a very abrupt glitch. Obviously, this was done very intentionally. This was the only thing in this video that I didn’t want to put in chronological order for the public to see.

I used this specific clip of us for 2 reasons: We were singing the song that we both loved while we were strictly friends, it was the song we constantly listened to when we were dating. And every time that we made a playlist for the other person, this was always the very first song on the playlist. And second, this was the last time we ever saw each other. After we had broken up, her first time in Dallas, her first and only time meeting my mom in person, this was pretty much the last good time that we had saw each other.

The very abrupt glitch into the black was well... It cannot get any more obvious than that. Our relationship ended very abruptly, first it was over the assumption that I cheated. But this was also the time that I was going through a LOT in my own personal life that I didn’t want to put publicly.

During this time, the weekend right before school started, I was in Houston filming Aleyah, and during that exact same time, my family was literally falling apart. My aunt sent me photos of all of my mother’s and I’s belongings strung out all over my lawn. Photos of my mom still in her pajamas struggling in the hot sun to pick up our stuff. The weekend that I came back home, I was literally homeless. There was no longer a place that I could call “home.” No where for me to shower, to brush my teeth, to microwave food. Ever since I was 5, being homeless is literally my biggest fear as a person. And for a weekend, my biggest fears came true. At 23 years old, I was homeless. Yes, I had a job, yes I have a career, yes I’m in school, yes I’m taking care of my mom, and yet, I had no home.

Struggles like this was a huge part in why it was difficult for Kamille and I to see eye to eye. She had an entirely different upbringing while I literally grew up struggling. I’ve never known what it was like to live “comfortably” until somewhat recently. We had been discussing breaking up at the time, because I could not handle all of that on my plate. I was dealing with going back to school, while maintaining my professional and personal career, paying bills to help my family, as well as replacing furniture for my mom, getting new beds for both of us because neither of us had a bed. I know that there’s a lot of stigma on social media regarding “broke” guys, but it wasn’t something that I could help. From 2016-2018, I would be working two jobs at once while still trying to maintain academics, family, and my own grind. I fucking struggled. And a good portion of my life thus far really IS about the struggle.

On what would have been our 1 Year anniversary, I told Kamille that I was not in a good mental health due to everything that had been going on, and that I had been seeking therapy for quite some time up to this point, and that I wanted to work on my mental health to therefore be a better me.

April 16th, 2019 - OKAY ITS BEEN ANOTHER MONTH AND I MEANT TO FINISH THIS WITHIN THE WEEK THAT I STARTED BUT YO IM NEVER DOING ANOTHER VIDEO BREAK DOWN EVER AGAIN.

Most of the video content during this part was another collection of video footage from my professional shoots, hanging out with friends, Paul’s graduation, and seeing An perform live for the first time.

This was a pretty good representation of how my year ended. Being there for my best friend’s graduation, Paul and Deanna showing up at my house unexpectedly to surprise me with an entirely brand new bed set. Living without a bed definitely humbled me, and having my friends show up to surprise me really made everything that I was going through, seem okay.

On December 29th, 2018; I witnessed one of my dear high school friend’s funeral. I watched as they lowered his body. Danny, I still haven’t gotten over your death. And to be truthful with you, handling your death with the mix of losing Kamille, dropping the one class that’s keeping me from graduating, dealing with family, and trying to replace all the stuff that my mom and I lost, it was hard, really really hard for my mental health. I miss you, I miss you a lot buddy. When you passed I made a promise to myself that I am going to achieve things with photography. I took you to Colorado with me, your dog tags safe in my car. On your birthday this year, I tripped acid and took you hiking with me in the mountains. And for the first time, I truly felt at peace at the top of the mountains. Now once I got back to our cabin, my trip took a huge southward drive, but that’s a story for another post.

I’m going to make you proud Danny, I promise you.

A Note For Her;

5 months have passed since our break-up and about 4 months since the last time I talked to you. For a really long time, I was angry, really really angry. And I rarely ever get angry. I was angry about a lot of things. For a while, I thought I was angry at you. but my therapist told me that I was angry at myself. And I was. I know that you simply do not care anymore, and a lot of the truth was and still held from you. I have spent a LOT of money on therapy as well as many areas through that. From a hypnotherapy session, I was able to recall that night and to relive through it, just to find out what I already knew; I never cheated on you. I’ve told my uji about this and David said that it was my fault that we broke up. It was my fault that I didn’t believe in myself enough to fight for you, and further, I lost you because I didn’t fight hard enough for you. And you know what, he’s right.

I should have believed in myself more. I knew that I didn’t cheat, but because I was intoxicated, I didn’t know if that was the most reliable source of information. But that’s history now, you don’t care about that, none of this information is going to change your mind about how you feel about me. Furthermore, you have already gone and cut off all ties with me. And I don’t blame you for any of it. For a lot of the things that you did post-breakup I really wanted to at least tell you the truth and my side of the story, but I knew that it would be a wasted effort, and that you wouldn’t care to find out the truth. But it’s okay. You were a really, really huge part in my life, significantly from 2016-2018. At the end of 2018, I didn’t just lose you as a girlfriend, but I lost you as a friend. And to be quite honest, the latter hurt indefinitely much more than losing the relationship. Our relationship and the ending of it, was my first ever true heartbreak.

When you told me about Anh, the first thing you ever said was, “he has money.” That was the biggest thing that hurt me. I know that I didn’t have much money during our relationship, but it was a part of how I grew up. I spent the majority of the money that I had and made, on you. Money was the biggest problem to me growing up, and it truly, truly sucks that that is a factor of why you would talk to somebody. But it’s okay, it’s your choice to make. I see that you’re happy whenever you occasionally pop up on my timeline and I truly am happy for you. I hope that he makes you grow, a lot. I hope that you are able to mature very well. I hope that your family is okay, I hope that your Lola is well taken care of. I hope that you become a good role model for Kristian. I hope that you reach your goals.

There’s a LOT of things that I can say that I learned about our relationship from therapy and how in a lot of ways it was extremely toxic, but I’m not here to place any blame or point any fingers at anyone.

During a lot of moments in our relationship, we would joke about you being the love of my life. And truthfully, I wasn’t lying. I am grateful to have met you, to have been in your life, and to have had you in mine. I am grateful for the chance and opportunity to get to know you better than anyone else could. We grew a significant amount from our time together, and I truly did need space and time to work on my mental health as well as personal and family problems. Thank you so much for everything that you have done for me. Thank you for listening to my problems, thank you for providing feedback, thank you for your sacrifices. Thank you for helping me grow.

I am sorry for all of the areas where I fell short, Until the next time our paths cross; Randy Vu.

A Note to Future Randy A mix of End-2018 Thoughts and April 2019 Thoughts;

Your life has significantly changed in a matter of just 1 month (December 2018 -January 2019). I don’t know where I’ll be at 1 year down the line, nor wil I know where I’ll be at in 5 years. I hope that I am still chasing my dreams, and to not let failure stop me. At the end of 23, I went from “will I have enough money to feed my family?” To “Yeah just put whatever bills you need to be paid on my desk mom, I’ll pay them whenever I get the chance.”

Your life changed quite literally overnight. Remember how proud you felt to be able to provide for your family. Remember how proud you felt that you were chasing your dreams and making that shit happen. Because you’re going to need that energy when you move to LA. At this point in the year, you have a little over 7 months to save for your big move. Learn as MUCH as you can about photography. Network as much as you can. And remember 2 things; Regardless of whatever happens to you, never lose your humanity; and to never give up on your dreams. You’ve been turning your dreams into reality for as long as you can remember. Never stop.

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