#laying in bed crying over something incredibly stupid bc i saw a post earlier that has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME but triggered one of my

[bog-horse]

please don’t leave me please don’t leave me please don’t leave me please don’t leave me

[cherry-holland]

imagine maybe feeling a bit anxious and unsure of yourself and Haz coming up with a reason why you’re amazing or why he loves you for every kiss he places on your body to help you feel better 🥺😫 ughhh i’d be so blushy and smitten for him

Kris!!!! I’m sorry I’m writing this so late, BUT I’m here to provide bc I legit had a bout of relational anxiety earlier, so I can relate 🙃 it’s kinda long oops 🤷🏽‍♀️ enjoy it love!!

You were on your way home from the grocery store when you saw the notification from Instagram pop up on your phone. It was from your best friend’s page, alerting you that a new post was up. It wasn’t uncommon for you to have your best friends and boyfriend on your notification list, especially considering social media profiles like Instagram were so daunting to be on now because of your boyfriend. When Harrison announced to the public he was dating you, your pages blew up, causing you to be picky with what notifications you had on, and for whom.

When you clicked the notification and her post popped up, you saw that it was a photo her and a few of your other best friends laughing over cosmos and steaks at some fancy restaurant downtown. You felt a small pang of jealousy hit because you realized they didn’t invite you. They knew you didn’t have anything to do tonight, and the fact that they went for drinks and food without you got those negative thoughts spinning in your head, your hands getting clammy and heartbeat racing.

They don’t like you, y/n.

They probably think you’re annoying.

They don’t love you anymore, that’s why they didn’t invite you.

These thoughts didn’t stop once you reached Harrison and his best friend Tom’s apartment, but it only got worse and worse. Before walking in, you took a deep breath, shook out your hands, and plastered on a fake smile. You knew you couldn’t let Harrison see you like this. Even though you two had been dating for several months and had grown quite close, you were not going to let him see you freaking out over a photo, because that’s dumb right?

Harrison would think you’re crazy if you showed him this side of yourself.

Harrison won’t love you anymore if you freak out y/n.

Harrison would ditch you-

“Hello?” You fake sing-songed as you stepped into the kitchen, not a soul in sight.

“Hi, darling,” Harrison peered out of his room at the sound of your voice, his hair a bit messy from laying in bed waiting for you.

“Hey! I’ve got all of the stuff for dinner, so let’s get cooking!” You spoke with fake enthusiasm as you began to unload the groceries, trying to keep your feelings at bay.

Don’t cry in front of him, y/n. That’s such a weak thing to do.

Harrison doesn’t like weak women, pull yourself together.

Harrison was about to walk over to you before stopping himself to take a good look at you. Your hair was a bit disheveled, hands slightly shaky as they unloaded groceries, and you kept your head down the entire time. He started to grow a bit worried at your demeanor. Normally whenever you got home, you would call out his name and greet him with a kiss, but you immediately went to unload, almost as if you were avoiding him.

“Angel, are you okay?” Harrison asked, a wave of concern flooding his eyes.

“Yeah, babe, why wouldn’t I be?” You replied, your voice going up an octave to keep the tears from spilling. You knew immediately that he noticed something was wrong.

“Hey, hey, look at me,” Harrison had stepped in front of you while you were in the middle of taking out a carton of eggs, his hand reaching up to gently take hold of your face.

When he looked into your eyes, he saw the tears welled in your eyes, and his heart broke at the sight. Harrison had known you to be strong and independent, a woman who always looked at the bright side of things when it went south. You never really cried in front of him, even though he knew you had the softest heart. So seeing you like this alarmed him, with all of the worst case scenarios coming to mind.

“What’s wrong, my love?”

When the words left Harrison’s mouth, you broke down. You felt your whole body collapse into his as your sobs wrecked your body, the weight of your negative thoughts finally getting the best of you. “Why am I not good enough, Haz? Why don’t people care about me as much as I do for them?”

If Harrison’s heart was breaking before, his heart was shattered at your words. “What do you mean, my love? Who said that to you?”

You took a deep breath to calm yourself down before you explained. “No one. It’s just... I saw a post of all of my best friends hanging out together without me, and... ugh this is gonna sound stupid, but I felt really left out, and it made me wonder who even really cares for me and what I did wrong and...”

“Angel,” Harrison interrupted, hands slowly reaching to cup your face again, this time tracing little circles on the hollows of your cheeks, “breathe. You are not sounding stupid at all. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You are a wonderfully amazing woman who has the world’s biggest heart, and guess what? I care for you, a whole lot. I love you so much, y/n, and a lot of people do too. Don’t you ever forget that.”

His caring words brought more tears in your eyes, this time because you knew he meant it. Harrison always had a way of saying precisely what you needed to hear - and even if it wasn’t exactly perfect, you knew that he always came from a place of love. “Harrison, I... I don’t know what to say,” you stuttered.

“You don’t have to, love. Let me speak for you,” Harrison whispered, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “You are wickedly smart, and you know how to fix a flat tire better than I can.”

You giggle at his words as he continues, pressing a kiss to your cheeks. “You have quite possibly the prettiest, cutest blush I have ever seen on a woman. I could watch your lovely cheeks flush all of the time and you’d still make my heart flutter.”

Harrison pushes the groceries aside as he lifts you on the counter, lips dancing over your neck. “You always put others first, always making sure others are well taken care of and loved before anything.”

He tugged at your cream sweater, and he lifted the garment over your head, lips grazing over your bare shoulder. “You are incredibly strong, not just physically - even though watching you lift is so damn hot - but internally too. Whenever things get rough in life, you always know exactly how to handle it, and I love that about you. But don’t think you can’t share your burdens with me, angel. I am here for you, and we need to be able to communicate what we feel. Isn’t that what you taught me?”

You look down at him, eyes soft as you remember the night Harrison had his own nervous breakdown and you calmed him down. “Yes, I remember. I told you that you never have to worry about carrying your burdens on your own anymore. That you could always tell me anything, no matter how pretty or ugly.”

“Yes,” Harrison smiled, slowly lifting his face back to meet yours, lips touching ever so slightly, “and that’s what I want you to remember for me. ‘M always gonna be here for you, y/n, no matter what.”

You felt your heart flutter as you pressed your lips to his, words expressing all that you couldn’t explain to him. Lips screaming I love you with an intense passion. Hands reaching to pull him closer to you, tugging on the soft sandy blonde curls.

Once you broke away, you snuggled into his neck as you wrapped your arms around his body in a hug, his own hands sliding around your waist. “Thank you,” you whispered in his ear, kissing his neck gently.

“You’re welcome, love. Now lemme show you how much I love you,” Harrison spoke softly as he lifted you off the counter, walking towards his room.

“Babe, what about the groceries?” You questioned as you nodded your head to the food displayed on the counter.

“Screw the groceries. I gotta make sure my girl is well taken care of,” Harrison muttered before capturing his lips with yours as he shut the bedroom door.

[codependentsamanddean]

5 years of Supernatural - How it changed my life

I was reading the Family Don’t End With Blood book, and I remembered that this week will be 5 years since I started watching SPN. Yes, I remember the day, it was July 15th, 2012. 

I thought that to celebrate this mark, I’d write my own story about how Supernatural has changed my life, inspired by the book. It probably will be long so I understand if you skip it lol.

I was looking for a new show to watch, I was currently following a handful of shows but I wanted something else. I knew about Supernatural because I was already on Tumblr even though I had only a personal blog where I reblogged random stuff and had like 100 followers or less. I saw gifsets from the show here and there, and I remember thinking “this show must be cool. It looks like these brotjhers have a nice bond”. Also, I have been a fan of Jared Padalecki ever since 2004 and I saw him in New York Minute, so it was another reason to try it. To sum it up, I watched 7 seasons (the show had only 7 seasons back then) in one month, and by the end of it I was addicted. 

Lemme just say something before I continue. I am that kind of person who becomes obsessed with something only to not give a single shit about it one month later. So I thought that what was gonna happen with SPN as well, I’d fall in love with it but it was gonna go away soon like everything that came before. But that wasn’t what happened. 

I got more and more in love with the show and those boys, tjhe story of those brothers. And if I already adored Jared, I started loving him even more, at the same time I got to know who was that gorgeous Jensen Ackles. I learned how special the relationship between them in real life was as well. My tumblr slowly became almost 100% Supernatural, and then one day I saw a blog made to spread the word that Jensen hated Jared. I got so fucking mad reading that, it was the turning point for me. That same day I created a new Tumblr, and the url was j2loveeachother. I wanted to show how the boys actually loved each other very much. I was into the show for about 4 months by then, and I already knew. And little did I know how the decision of making this Tumblr would change so much in my life.  

When I entered this place, this fandom, with this blog I felt instantly at home, like I belonged here. I have a lot of internet friends, I made some good friends back in 2008 because we were all fans of an American Idol winner, and we’re still friends to this day, almost 10 years later. So I enjoy meeting people online even though it sucks that most of the times we’re far away. 

In the beginning of 2013, a couple of months after making the blog, I was put in the same list as another SPN blog by one of my mutuals, as people who loved Sam. I followed that blog and me and the girl started messaging each other here on Tumblr. That was Karri. in about 10 days we “got married” on tumblr and became “wifeys”, which we still are today. We became close friends, the kind who talk almost everyday about things that go beyond the fandom. Other people were added to the equation and god I met so many amazing people. Some of them are long gone and that makes me sad not knowing what happened to them since they left their blogs behind. But new ones arrived and that’s the beauty of it. How many amazing people I met here, but it was sad that everyone was waaay too distant, specially since I live in Brazil and most people are in the US (Karri in California). I remember thinking, will we ever meet someday?

There was also the matter of going to a convention. I remember vividly one day, after Vegascon 2013, one of my mutuals posted a beautiful J2 op she took with them. I was starting to get familiar with conventions, and I remember looking at that pic and thinking “that is so fucking amazing, but I’ll never ever have that.” The cons were in the US and I am thousands of kilometers away, so no there was no way. And that made me so sad, because I really wanted to go, I wanted to be able to have that experience. I wanted to tell Jared how much I love him, how much he means to me, I wanted to be able to meet him face to face and also Jensen, it was so unfair that I wasn’t able to go if I loved the show and them so fucking much. 

In october of 2013, I had a dream. It was like one day after Chicon, a lot of tumblr girls had gone there, and I dreamed that Karri and I were there, and it was pretty amazing. I woke up feeling sad because it wasn’t real, and that night I told Karri this on Skype. I don’t know exactly how it started, but eventually we were like “what if we went to Chicon 2014?” I was gonna start working a couple months after that, I would have some money to go. She hasn’t been to any cons by then as well, so it would be the first time to both of us. We got excited with the prospect, we had one year to make that happen, to be at Chicon in october of 2014. She wanted to put a counter on our blogs right away but I didn’t want to jinx it, we literally had nothing. She did it anyway. I remember going to bed like “that’s almost impossible, I don’t think we’ll be able to pull it off.”

On October 22th of 2014, almost one year after that conversation, I boarded on a plane from São Paulo to Chicago for my first SPN convention. Remember how I wondered if I was ever gonna meet Karri?

remember how I thought, about one and a half year earlier, how I’d never have gorgeous J2 op like that one ever, and how unfair it was?

going to Chicon 2014 was so incredibly important to me for many reasons. I did something I thought I wasn’t gonna be able to, I set up a plan and step by step, I conquered it. I finally attended a SPN convention, which was even more amazing than I imagined. I told Jared in person how much I love him, I got to hug these two man and take this amazing picture, I couldn’t hold back my tears when I found my op among all the others and saw how perfect it was. I finally met Karri in person, which I thought was too hard and we had an amazing time together. I visited Chicago, which was one of my 3 dream cities. 

Leaving Illinois was hard. When Karri and I were on the train from Chicago to Rosemont on our last day, to catch our flights on a few hours, I lay my head on her shoulder and cried looking outside the window. I didn’t even know when I’d see her again and I was so incredibly sad it was all coming to an end. I arrived back home exactly one year after the conversation Karri and I had. I remember taking the lanyard out of my suitcase and crying so much. We had done it, and it was too incredible to even put into words. 

I thought that was going to be my only con. But later that year I knew that wouldn’t be possible. On New Year of 2015, I told Karri I wanted to attend a con in 2016, and she needed to come with me. We debated a lot where we should go, and I was convinced to go to a city I never imagined visiting, by two friends who I also wanted to meet. So in August of 2016, I boarded another plane to Minneapolis, to attend Minncon 2016. and if at Chicon Karri and I were pretty much by ourselves, at Minncon I met so many other amazing people. People who live across the world and who I would never have met if it wasn’t for this show.

My dream op came true and Jared gave me a piggyback ride:

And I also got to witness firsthand how incredibly human and caring this man is. It was the first time I saw Jared after AKF and all that happened to him in 2015, and this time I went to get his autograph crying bc I was too overwhelmed by all of this, by him, and also because I didnt know if I’d ever see him again. He entwined his fingers with mine and squeezed my hand, winking at me. My heart melted.

I had a fucking amazing time in Minneapolis. Not only because of the con, also for the people I was there with. On our last night, after the con was over, me and the girls went to the pub right next to our hotel to eat and talk, there was so much laughter and happiness. I knew how much I would miss that while I was still there. 

To me, Minncon would be my last con. But a few days after the con, I was still in the US, in NYC in vacation, and Karri began convincing me to go to New Orleans in 2017 for another con, since Heather and some other girls were going to. And how could I say no? How can I stay behind and watch my fav people have fun at a con without me? So in a little more than 3 months, on Oct. 23rd, I’m getting on a plane to New Orleans, to experience all of this again for the third time. 

Before I went to Chicon, i was afraid to tell people why I was going to Chicago, I was afraid they’d say it was stupid, a waste of money. But I got so much support it surprised me. Even my boss encouraged me to go when I asked for some days off, I never hid from her where I was going. She started watching SPN this year because of me and now she wants to go too. I know some people may think it’s unecessary to spend all this money to go to conventions for a tv show, specially 3 times when I could have gone to just one, but I don’t care. It’s what makes me happy, I get to spend an amazing time with amazing people this show brought me. And I can’t wait to spend even more amazing moments this year. Because of Supernatural, I got to meet people I would never meet otherwise, and I got to visit places I probably wouldn’t if it wasn’t for the show. Supernatural gave me so much, it literally changed the course of my life. 

I also discovered a new talent, I found out I can write stories, after reading so many J2 fanfics I tried to write my own fics, supported by my awesome friends, and now I can write a story that has over 100k words. Not only that, I can write all of that in english. I’m a native portuguese speaker. Supernatural has improved my english skills as well. 

I don’t have a sad story to tell, Supernatural didn’t save my life or ended my depression. Thankfully I don’t have those problems. But Supernatural changed my life. Literally. It changed many events that happened after |I started watching it. It introduced me to a whole new world. I have friends on different parts of the world because of it, and now I know it’s not impossible to meet them. Saying goodbye to them is so hard, I have cried my eyes out at airports twice, but as I was hugging Karri goodbye in Minneapolis, we realized it wasn’t the last time we’d see each other. It might take some time, but we can do it. The world is big but with effort, we can get anywhere. So many good memories from the past 5 years happened because of Supernatural, and today I can’t imagine how my life was before that. I made friends, I visited new places, I met my favorite actor in the whole world. All because I decided to watch this show I kept seeing on Tumblr. Even long after the show ends and we’re no longer here, the impact it had on me will remain. I know these friendships will stay, as well as the amazing memories I’ll carry throughout my life. I hope I can tell my kids someday if I have them, how much this simple tv show changed me. And I’m gonna encourage them to go after what they love, like my mom did to me when I first told her, afraid as fuck, that I wanted to go to Chicago (a ten hour flight) *just* for a supernatural convention. And she was like “go for it”. Little did I know a small decision on July 15th of 2012 would have such a huge impact in my life.

Thank you Supernatural for the road so far. And for the road yet to come.