#lavenderversary

[justagalwhowrites]

Gurll, lavender is my go-to reread everytime. Ig u are taking requests (😂🫶🏻), I would really like to see how Joel found out Doc was pregnant of Sylvie and those sweet pregnancy exchanges - like him being worried (‘cause in the original we skip the whole pregnancy). 😎

OMG Hi Bestie!!!

So you'll see some of this in Girl Dad, a canon one shot I did for Doc's birthday back in October. You see some of Doc panicking about Sylvie on her birthday because she's never made it further in a pregnancy and her birthday has just such an awful personal history for her and Joel loves her through it. We also see Joel being just a precious father to his newest baby girl.

BUT... here's some more of the pregnancy for you ❤️

Expecting

20 years after your first pregnancy, you find yourself expecting again. Things are a bit different this time. A Lavender Drabble.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader from Lavender

Warnings: Pregnancy. Smut adjacent. No use of y/n. 18+ only Minors DNI

Length: 2k

September 2, 2024

The first time you threw up, Joel was on patrol.

It's not like you'd gotten your period since the two of you had started trying but you didn't put much stock in that. You'd never been regular and you were nearing menopause now. Missing a period or two was hardly monumental.

But the nausea the morning you woke up alone was.

You rocketed to the bathroom, doubling over the toilet, everything left in you from the night before coming up.

"Shit," you whispered, wiping your mouth on the back of your hand as your stomach still churned.

You knew this feeling. It had been a long time but you knew it.

And you knew you should be happy about it. It wasn't like last time. You and Joel were together now. Not just together, you were married. Things were secure - as secure as they could be in the apocalypse, anyway - and you were trying for this.

But it was still the apocalypse.

It was no small part of you that thought this wasn't going to happen. That you were going to try and try and then menopause would kick in and you'd never have a child you made with Joel. You'd resigned yourself to that a long time ago, that you'd never be a mother to someone that grew inside of you, never raise someone that you'd brought into being through love. You had Ellie who was your child in every way that mattered and that was more than enough.

But you were pregnant. You were sure of it. And you should have been happy about that - thrilled, in fact. Part of you was. The rest of you was terrified.

What had you been thinking? Bringing a child into this destroyed world? Would Joel even still want this now that it was real and not some imagined, idealized thing on the distant horizon? How were you supposed to protect a baby from the horrors of this reality? Even here in Jackson there was fear and risk and you'd gone and done this on purpose.

You didn't tell anyone, though the nurses at the clinic could tell you were off all day. You assured them that you were fine while trying not to panic. What if Joel changed his mind? What if, when faced with the reality of it, he didn't want to bring a baby into this world?

You threw up again that afternoon, the sickening feeling hanging around after everything came back up and you tried not to cry.

Joel got home after Ellie was already in bed that night, his patrol keeping him out late. You were pacing the kitchen when you heard the front door open and close quietly, the squeak of the floorboards under his heavy boots.

"Baby?" He frowned poking his head into the kitchen. "What're you still doin' up, it's late..."

"I know," you smiled a little, looking him up and down and taking stock to make sure he was still in one piece. "I'm glad you're back."

He smiled back, coming all the way into the kitchen to take you in his arms and kiss you, gentle and deep.

"You and me both," he said. "Gettin' too old to be sleeping rough like that, feel like I did my time with that shit getting out here..."

You laughed a little and nuzzled into him, breathing in the sweaty, woodsy scent of him.

"What's wrong, baby," he whispered, his arms enveloping you totally, holding you against him. "Can tell you got somethin' on that big brain of yours."

You pulled back from him just enough to see his face, his arms still holding you loosely. His face was smeared with dirt, the grime of the trail and sweat on his skin and his eyes were soft and warm and like home.

"I'm pregnant," you said softly. Those eyes got wider. "I know we've been trying but... It's real now and..."

"You're pregnant?" He breathed, stepping back from you, his hands going to your shoulders. You nodded, tears stinging the corners of your eyes. "Oh Baby..."

He took your face in his hands and kissed you again, so hard you could taste the passion on his tongue.

"Really?" He asked, his eyes searching yours as he pulled back from you and taking your shoulders again. You just nodded again, your heart pounding. "Fuck, that's... that's amazing, we're gonna... Baby, you're pregnant!"

"Yeah," you laughed a little. "Yeah, I am... You're happy?"

"Happy?" He laughed back. "Baby, I'm... I'm so far beyond fuckin' happy that word don't even begin to cover it."

He got to his knees in front of you, his hands on your hips, sliding around to cradle the small of your back as he looked lovingly at your stomach.

"You're pregnant," he said, awed, almost to himself. He pressed a kiss to you, over your womb, before one of his hands came to hold you reverently there. "Our baby is in you, right now."

"Yeah," you smiled, voice wet. "Yeah, they are."

"That's amazing," he whispered before looking up at you. "You're amazing, you're the most amazing thing I've ever seen..."

You ran your fingers through his curls before cupping his cheek.

"Thank you," you said, your whole being feeling lighter now, knowing that he was really in this with you.

"For what?" He asked, getting to his feet and pulling you against him again. "You're the one doin' all the work."

You smiled a little.

"For wanting this with me," you said quietly. "I was afraid... I'm still afraid. But we can do this."

"We can do this," he echoed you, kissing your temple. "You, me, Ellie, this baby. We're a family. We can do this."

You put a palm over your womb again, cradling where the child you'd made with Joel was growing inside you.

He was right. You could do this.

But things were different after that.

Joel hovered. It reminded you a bit of when he first came to the QZ, back when he thought his fear was something he could push past if he just got close enough. You’d be working at the clinic, turn around to pick something up and then Joel would be there. You’d be relaxing on the couch and decide you needed a cup of water and, the second you started to move, he was up instead asking what you needed.

“I’m perfectly capable of getting my own drink, you know,” you said a two months after you’d told him you were pregnant and Joel had damn near held you down instead of letting you go to the kitchen. “Also capable of walking to the mess hall on my own, making my own lunches…”

“All the work you’re doin’ growing my baby, I should do something,” he replied, bringing you a glass of water. “Seems like this is the least of it.”

You might have believed him if it wasn’t for the other things, too.

You’d become insatiable during pregnancy, all but demanding sex at least once if not twice a day. You couldn’t get enough of Joel but he seemed to be able to get enough of you.

It was close to Christmas when you finally brought it up, Joel’s hands more gently roaming over your skin rather than with any desire or need.

“We don’t have to do this if you’re not interested, you know,” you said, hoping you didn’t sound too desperate.

Joel frowned, looking over your face for a moment.

“What?” He sounded completely puzzled. “Why would I not be interested?”

“I know I look different now,” you ran a hand over your growing bump and took a deep breath. “It’s OK if you’re not as attracted to me at the moment…”

“In what fuckin’ universe am I not attracted to you?” He asked, his eyebrows knitting together. “Baby, if I could spend the rest of my damn life inside you, I’d be a happy man.”

Your confusion must have shown because he brushed your hair back before adjusting your face to look at him.

“What’s goin’ on,” he asked gently. “Why are you saying this stuff.”

“You don’t touch me like you used to,” you said quietly, hoping you didn’t sound too wounded by it. “And it’s OK if you don’t want me like that right now, I don’t want you to do anything you don’t really want and…”

“Baby,” he cut you off. “I’m gonna stop you right there. I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted you more than I do right now. Not when I first met you and you were some hot young thing, not when you first got off the plane to come visit, not when I first saw you again in the QZ. Seeing you grow our baby is the most beautiful, most sexy thing in the damn world, don’t go thinking otherwise.”

“Oh,” you frowned. “Then… I don’t understand. What’s going on?”

“I just…” he sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before looking at you again, a pained look on his face. “I’m scared, baby. I’m scared in a way I ain’t been since we came to Jackson.”

“Joel,” you whispered, running your fingers through his hair. “We’re OK here, we’re safe here…”

“I know,” he said. “You’re safe from infected and you’re safe from raiders but… baby, what if you get hurt? You’re the doctor here, what if something happens to you or the baby? What if there isn’t someone who knows how to save you? What if I do somethin’ to you on accident, what if I’m too rough because I’m caught up in touching you the way I want? I can’t risk that, baby, I can’t.”

“Oh Joel,” you breathed, pressing yourself closer. “You’re not going to hurt us. I promise, you’ve never been too rough with me. If something doesn’t feel right I’ll tell you but it’s OK. We’re safe. You’re safe.” You guided his hand to your breast, his large palm curving around the soft flesh. “And I want you to touch me, really touch me. Please.”

He was cautious at first, hesitant. Now that you knew he was afraid, it was easier to see it on his face and feel it in his touch. But you guided him through it, holding his hand, reassuring him, until he was lost in you and things felt right for the first time in months.

You learned how to head things off after that. When he would appear in the clinic, you would give him a kiss and tell him how you were feeling. If the baby was moving, you’d guide his hand to your stomach to let him feel them alive inside you. When you needed something at home and could see that he was restless and distracted by worry, you’d ask him for help. You started meeting him at the gates after patrol so he could see you and touch you as soon as he was back, feeling how he relaxed when his hands were on you.

When you went into labor, though, you were worried. You knew he was afraid but then, so were you. You were afraid not just of what could happen, of how it would hurt under the best of circumstances, but of how to help Joel through it, too.

But he sensed what you were doing right away, so in tune with you now. He climbed into the bed behind you, pulling you back so your head was resting on his chest.

“Don’t you dare worry about me,” he said, kissing the crown of your head. “I’ve got you, baby. Got both of you.”

You smiled a little as the contraction eased and he held you a little tighter.

“I know you do,” you relaxed into the firm, strong body of your husband. “I know.”

[justagalwhowrites]

AHHHH BESTIE!

😭😭😭 thank you so so much for your kind words and the gorgeous mood board!! It captures the fic so well!

Thank you for reading and being so lovely and supportive. Whenever I see your name in my alerts I smile because I can feel how much you care about these characters in your comments. I’m so glad you connected with them and love them! Thank you for being here and being you!!

Love you!!!

HAPPY LAVENDER DAY!! 1 year of lavender!!! this was one of the first actual long fics i really got captivated in when i first got on tumblr. i remember always being on the edge of my seat waiting for new chapters bc girllll, those CLIFFHANGERS…. and the ANGST… god it almost took me out 😭❤️ i am sooo grateful to have found this fic its sooo special to me because it introduced me to the world of joel miller 🤭 and kit… ugh….. i love her SO MUCH!! she’s immensely talented and her writings captivate me in soo many ways. thank you so much for writing lavender.. and writing in general bc i can speak for all of us when i say that it’s special thing when you find a story that you keep close to your heart like i do with this one. LOVE YA BESTIE!!! NEVER STOP WRITING❤️❤️❤️🥰

here’s a shitty moodboard thing i made to show how much i love doc and joel! ❤️^

fic: lavender by @justagalwhowrites

[justagalwhowrites]

...Can Be Found

You and Joel have an unexpected night alone in Jackson. A canon Lavender one-shot set between chapters 47 and 48.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader from Lavender

Length: 3k

Warnings: Smut :). All the fluff in all the world. Eric Clapton. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ only.

A/N: Thank you all so much for loving these characters and hanging out for the Lavenderversary celebration. I hope you love seeing what Joel and Doc were up to today in Jackson ❤️

April 30, 2024 

“Please?” Ellie said, her eyes bright and wide and eager. “All the other kids are going and Maria said they’re making some special snacks and shit and they’re putting on some movie I’ve never fucking heard of and I really want to see it, please?” 

You glanced at Joel, who looked quickly back at you. 

Neither of you had been anticipating this. You hadn’t been in Jackson all that long, Ellie had only been going to school for a few weeks. You hadn’t really spent much time apart, not really. Even Joel, who was regularly leaving Jackson to go on patrol, had never been outside the house overnight. There was a comfort in coming home to each other at the end of the day, the three of you squeezing onto the couch in your living room to watch a movie or clustering on the ground where you could lean against each other while playing a board game. You functioned as a unit now, each of you far more comfortable and secure with the others close. 

Ellie wanting to go to the town lock in hadn’t even been on your radar. 

But it was a good sign, you thought. She was becoming more and more like her old self every day. She enjoyed school, had made a few friends, was starting to think about what she wanted to do to contribute to Jackson as she got older. It was good to see her here, being happy and having a life. Her wanting to spend time away was good. It just didn’t feel good.

“I promise I won’t even say fuck,” Ellie said, still pleading. “And I’ll leave my knife at home.” 

“You should always leave your knife at home,” Joel said, voice stern. “No reason to be carryin’ it around here, anyway…” 

“Yeah, OK,” Ellie rolled her eyes and you had to fight the urge to laugh. 

You and Joel looked at each other again for a moment. You could tell he was feeling the same unease you were, the same desire to keep Ellie where you could see her at all times because that’s the only way you could be sure that she was safe and whole. 

But you couldn’t do that forever. 

You sighed and looked back at her. 

“Yes, you can go,” you said. 

“Yes!” She darted around you to run up the stairs but you stopped her quickly. 

“But you have to come back here before going anywhere else tomorrow morning,” you said. “And you have to be on your best behavior, OK gremlin? I know how you can be, no picking fights…” 

“I’ll be good, I promise!” She said, frozen with one foot on the stairs. 

“Then go get your stuff,” you said, Ellie taking off before you even really had a chance to finish talking, forcing her to yell up the stairs after her. “Make sure you grab your pillow and sleeping bag!” 

Joel came and stood beside you at the banister, his hand finding the small of your back, slipping below your shirt to brush his fingers over you there.

“Think we’re gonna be empty nesters for the night,” he said, voice low. 

“Think you’re right,” you smiled a little. “Whatever will we do?” 

“Oh, I think we can figure somethin’ out.” 

Ellie left not long after, running down the front walk to catch some of her friends from school as they headed toward the mess hall turned lock-in site for the night. 

“Here,” Joel said, standing next to you on the porch as the two of you watched her laugh with her friends. “Why don’t you get comfortable, I’ll be back in a few.” 

You narrowed your eyes at him. 

“What are you up to?” 

“Just trust me,” he laughed and nudged you to the porch swing. “And be patient.” 

You smiled and shook your head a little but settled into the side of the swing that you’d come to think of as yours, pushing lightly off the ground with your toe, breathing in the cool, clean spring air, the scent of rain drifting in from the dark clouds on the horizon. 

There was a distant rumble of thunder as the screen door creaked open and Joel came outside, two mugs held tight in one large hand, the neck of his guitar in the other. 

“I think we’re getting a spring storm,” you said as he leaned the guitar against the house and handed you a mug before taking a seat next to you. You lifted the mug and breathed deep, your eyebrows shooting up. “Is that…” 

“Coffee,” he smiled a little. “With a little lavender syrup that, I’m ashamed to admit, I needed a lot of help to make.” 

You looked at him, feeling like you might be about to cry you were so touched. 

“You made me lavender syrup?” 

He shrugged. 

“Figured it’d been long enough since you’d had your favorite coffee,” he said. “Heard through the grapevine that some traders who come through sometimes have coffee. Figured I’d have it ready for when I could get my hands on some.” 

“Have I told you lately that I love you?” You asked. “Because I do.” 

“You’ve said,” he smiled. “Still like hearin’ it, though.” 

You took a sip of the coffee and savored it and thought, for a moment, about the first time you’d met Joel. So long ago now at that coffee shop in Austin, when you were just 20 years old and hoping to find a job you liked that would make you not need to take out more loans to survive the summer. You should have known when you first sat across from him, sipping your lavender latte and talking about his daughter, that your life would never be the same. 

Joel put his arm over the back of the swing and you settled into his side, your head on his shoulder, grateful for his warmth as temperature dropped and the rain moved in. 

“Think you’ll let me play you somethin’?” He asked. 

“I believe it is well established that I am the president and founder of the Rockstar Joel Miller fan club,” you teased. “You can always play me something.” 

“Good,” he said, taking his arm back and reaching behind him to pick up the guitar and resting it on his lap. “Because I’ve been working on something for you. Been a long time since I’ve played for anyone so be patient with me.” 

“The peanut gallery will be quiet,” you smiled, tucking yourself into the corner of the swing and putting your stocking feet against Joel’s warm thigh as the rain grew heavier. You held your mug tightly in your fingers, the heat and coffee running low. 

He started playing, quiet and slow and you recognized it immediately, your breath catching in your throat. 

“It's late in the evening,” Joel sang in his soft baritone. “She's wondering what clothes to wear…”

You just listened in silent awe as he played you Wonderful Tonight, the song you’d claimed as yours, for the first time in 20 years. When he finished, he left the guitar in his lap for a moment before glancing over at you, an oddly vulnerable look in his eyes when he did. 

“Didn’t say the peanut gallery needed to be that quiet,” he said, his voice thick. 

“Joel,” you whispered, setting your coffee on the small side table before damn near throwing yourself at him. He set the guitar down quickly, barely fast enough to catch you as you threw your arms around his neck. He laughed, sinking back into the swing with you in his arms. 

“You like it then?” He asked. 

You pulled back enough to look at him properly, tears pricking your eyes. 

“I loved it,” you said softly. “That was… I can’t believe you learned that!” 

“Well,” he shrugged. “Already learned it, once upon a time. More just remembering something I always knew. I was just coming home to it is all.” 

You kissed him and he kissed you back before you settled in against his side again, the two of you swaying as the rain fell and the thunder rolled. 

“Know what storms remind me of now?” He asked quietly after a while, his fingers trailing up and down your arm. 

“Hm?” 

“The night I got you back.” 

You looked up at him from your place against his chest and found him watching you, his brown eyes soft and deep. 

“Me too,” you whispered. 

“I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you,” he said, his fingers still tracing the same familiar path along your skin. “I’ve got a lot of regrets in my life but that’s one of my biggest. I wasted so much time with you. Sometimes all I think about is all that time we missed out on because I was too wrapped up in my own shit…” 

“We found each other again,” you reached up and trailed your fingers through his shaggy curls. “That’s all that matters. We can’t change anything that happened to us then, we can only make sure we don’t lose each other again now.” 

“Not losing you again, baby,” Joel said, cupping your cheek and kissing you deeply. “Promise I’m not.” 

You looked in his eyes, something warm and needy settling low in your stomach as you did. 

“Let’s go inside,” he said, his tone matching the already building heat inside you. 

You just nodded and let him lead the way. 

*** 

Joel had been waiting for a night like this one. 

Maybe not one where Ellie was away quite so long. Her being gone overnight made him uneasy, even if it was just to the town lock-in down the street. 

But it did mean he got time alone with you, something he’d been craving more and more lately. 

It seemed like all he wanted to do, now that the three of you were safely settled in Jackson, was find a way to make up for lost time. 

He wasn’t sure he really could. He’d lost you for too long, done too much he regretted to ever really atone for it all. But he wanted to try. He desperately wanted to do something - anything - that would make himself worthy of you. 

Wonderful Tonight had been the first thing he tried to play when he’d gotten the guitar in Jackson. You’d been at the clinic, Ellie at school and he’d fumbled his way through it in the living room, his fingers hurting the entire time. It took time to rebuild the callus, to relearn the song. But it had been so worth it to see the look on your face when he’d played it for you on the porch that night. 

The two of you came in as the storm seemed to be reaching its peak, the rain pouring in a steady drumbeat on the roof, the thunder rattling the panes of glass in their frames as he led you to bed. 

He undressed you slowly, reverently, taking his time with you the way he’d imagined doing every time he imagined fucking you in those years in the QZ. He cast aside your shirt and his hands skimmed the outline of you, your skin so impossibly soft under his touch. He wondered - not for the first time - how something as soft as you could exist at all, let alone in this world. How something as soft as you could possibly be meant for him, want him. But you did and he lived to give you what you wanted, that’s all that mattered. 

You tugged at his shirt and he helped you remove it before he unhooked your bra and cast it aside, too, drinking in the sight of your bared skin before him. 

“Christ, baby,” he breathed, pulling you against his naked chest. You pressed your soft, warm skin against him, your arms wrapping around his neck and he guided you to the bed, laying you below him in the middle of it. When he pulled away from you, you whined, your eyes following his every movement. He smiled a little. “Ain’t gonna get far with these still on, I’m comin’ right back.” 

He unbuttoned your jeans and hooked his fingers around the waistband of those and your panties, pulling both down your legs at once, leaving you completely bare before him. 

“Joel,” you whimpered, your hands finding your breasts by what seemed like their own accord, desperate to hold onto something. You worked them gently as you watched him unbutton his own jeans, biting your lower lip as you did. 

“Fuck, you keep right on doin’ that,” he damn near growled as he shucked his own jeans and underwear before crawling up the bed toward you and settling in the cradle of your hips. “So pretty when you’re making yourself feel good…” 

He licked his fingertips and slid his hand down your body to the apex of your thighs, finding your swollen bud and pressing against it. Your back arched and you whined again as he started working your clit in slow, firm circles. 

“Even prettier when you let me do it, though,” he said, his unoccupied hand going to the crown of your head, toying with your hair before he kissed you deeply. 

Your hands left your breasts then, finding his back and pulling him sharply toward yourself, as though you couldn’t get enough of him. You rocked your hips up against him and he smiled against your lips, his cock swollen and painfully hard. 

“Joel,” you panted when he pulled back. “I need you, please, I need you, I need you…” 

“Need me where?” He asked, breathless himself. 

He knew where. 

He just wanted to hear you say it. 

“Inside,” your eyes were wide, pupils blown. “Inside me, please, I need you inside me.” 

His hand left your slick slit and he stroked his cock once with your wetness, the heat of you so close to him. 

“Then let me give you what you want,” he said, lining himself up with your entrance and pressing inside you with a deep groan of satisfaction. 

He sank into you, feeling your walls parting for his intrusion, how your body shifted and molded to him, your pussy holding him perfectly. 

Every time he did this, every time he first entered you, he had the same two thoughts: this was where he belonged, this was so much more than he deserved. 

He’d had a hard time reconciling those things. Since he’d met you, he couldn’t shake the idea that he needed to be alongside you - inside you - but he knew that you’d been meant for something more than him. When you were both young, you’d been so full of potential, all brilliant light that it seemed selfish to focus it all on himself. Now, you were the warmest comfort, the most beautiful part of a ruined world. With all he’d done, all the ways he’d failed, he could not deserve you. 

He’d let that keep you apart for a long time, the clash of those feelings pulling at him. But now, he knew how they fit, how he fit with you. He had to try to be worthy of you, that was the key. He could not stop, could not wavier. He had to always try. He had to hold you, protect you, bring you the CDs you adored and paint the walls the colors you loved and find ways to make the things that brought you joy because someone like you needed someone who would try for them. In this world there was no sure thing, but he could try. For you, he would try for the rest of his life. 

He moved in you slowly at first, savoring the way your skin felt against his, the way your fingers twisted in his hair. But you were both too desperate and needy to take it slow for long, his pace increasing with the steady motion of your hips and the aching clutch of your fingers as you grew tighter and tighter around him. 

“You’re so close to coming for me,” he all but growled, voice heavy with need. You whined and nodded against him. “Don’t have anyone here to wake up, want to hear you baby. Don’t hold back for me, let me hear you, want to hear you when I come inside you.” 

You whimpered again, louder this time, your fingers scrambling for purchase on his skin, the wet snap of his hips into yours obscene and only bringing him closer to the peak. 

He felt you tighten, your whole body clinging to him for a moment - not even breathing - before you called his name and gasped as your core fluttered around him. 

Joel stayed buried deep inside you where he belonged, grinding his hips down against you as you came, your pulsing pulling his own orgasm from him as he emptied himself into you with a moan. 

After, you tucked yourself against his side, both of your bodies sticky with sweat and your shared spend and neither of you caring. 

“Didn’t even need a door this time,” you teased lightly. 

Joel laughed once. 

“Still appreciate them though,” he teased back. 

The two of you were quiet for a moment and he held you close, thinking not of all the years he’d lost with you but all the ones he had ahead. He kissed the crown of your head and you snuggled closer as he smiled against your hair. 

“I love you, Joel,” you said softly, your fingers splaying wide over his chest. “I’m so glad we found each other.” 

“Me too, baby,” he whispered, holding you closer. “Me too.” 

[justagalwhowrites]

What was lost...

Joel can't seem to shake you, even when he knows you're dead and gone. A canon Lavender one shot set in between chapters 8 and 9, a few months before Joel and Tommy arrive in Boston.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader from Lavender

Length: 2.3k

Warnings: Angst. This is pure angst, I'm sorry. Imagined canon-typical violence. Mention of sex. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ only.

A/N: I got this idea from an anonymous ask when I wrote about wanting to write Joel with a dead reader and they suggested writing Joel when he thought Doc was dead. SHE IS NOT REALLY DEAD, OK? Joel thinks she's dead. She's not dead. Doc is fine. She's in Boston calling QZs looking for Joel, working at the school and the clinic, and being codependent with Andrew. It's OK. I promise.

July 2008

I’ll always love you, Joel. Til the day I die.

Joel woke with a start. 

It was still dark, the moon full and high, and for half a glorious second, he thought it was you asleep against him. That the two of you were camping with Sarah and you would sense him in your sleep and reach back to put a hand at his waist and tug him closer.

He asked you once if you knew you did that, that when he woke and sat up in the night that you would reach for him until you found him and pull him back to you where he belonged, always with a little satisfied sigh. As though him being close was all you needed in the world, even when you were unconscious. 

You’d laughed when he asked, tucking your chin like you wanted to hide from it. 

“God, I’m sorry!” You said as you caught your breath. “I had no idea I did that! I promise, I won’t hunt you down in my sleep if you pull away from me…” 

Joel had laughed a little, too. 

“Don’t apologize,” he’d said. “Like it when you keep me in line.” 

“Good,” you smiled, teasing and sitting up a little straighter. “You’d better.” 

But it wasn’t you, of course. It hadn’t been you for five years. Five years to the goddamn day. 

Joel wished he’d lose track of the fucking date but he couldn’t seem to. Every time he seemed to get close, they’d have to do something like coordinate a raid on a FEDRA caravan and he’d be set back on track, his brain always keeping count. 

He wanted to forget his birthday the most. If there was any mercy left in the world, he’d have never seen another one after 36 but here he was, closing in on 41 and still marking time. 

He wished he could forget Sarah’s birthday, too. And yours. 

But, strangely, July 18 was the second hardest day for him. It was the last day the three of you were together. The last time he’d heard your voice right beside him, the last time he’d held you, the last time he had nuzzled into your hair and your skin and breathed in the lavender scent of you. 

The body next to him didn’t smell like lavender. She didn’t fit against his body like you did, either. She didn’t sound like you or taste like you or feel like you. But she was close and warm and wanted him and he’d given in. He almost always did. Because what they offered wasn’t sex, not really. It was a chance to forget, for a moment. If she looked like you, it was a chance to pretend, too. 

This one didn’t look much like you, though. He’d closed his eyes during because it didn’t seem to matter that you’d been dead for years, it still felt wrong to be with anyone besides you. It didn’t make much difference. She didn’t feel like you. He’d pulled out and finished with his hand, thinking about how you felt that day five years ago in the water. 

“Everything OK?” The woman beside him sounded groggy. 

He couldn’t remember her name. 

“Fine,” he said quietly. “Just takin’ over the watch. Go back to sleep.” 

She just shrugged and settled on the ground again as Joel worked his way through the woods, finding Tommy walking the perimeter of where they’d stopped for the night. 

“You got another two hours to sleep,” Tommy said, frowning in the moonlight. 

“I’m awake,” Joel said. “May as well take over.” 

Tommy gave him a look for a moment before he sighed. 

“S’long as you’re OK,” he said, clapping Joel on the shoulder. “Should be good for a while, just did a sweep.” 

Joel just gave him a nod and Tommy made his way back to camp as Joel settled into a notch in some roots, his back resting against the trunk of a tree. 

“She’s not me, you know.” 

Your voice was so close beside him it would have made him jump if it were any other sound. But it was you. 

He was used to this by now, the way you haunted him on days like this. 

He wasn’t sure why you’d hung on in ways Sarah hadn’t. Maybe because he knew what happened to her, knew where her body had gone cold.

He’d spent so much time trying to drown out that memory - to shove it away, suffocate it, anything to keep it from taking over - that he thought he might have pushed all of her aside with it. He didn’t hear her voice as often anymore, didn’t picture her there next to him either. 

You were another story. His mind seemed to enjoy torturing him when it came to you. He’d pictured your death so many times now, the imagined memory of it finding him in his sleep on so many nights. 

Tonight had been one of those nights. This time, you’d died at the hands of a man like him. You had your backpack on, the one Joel had told you to pack, and you were walking where he’d told you to go. He could see you so clearly, your hair in braids with ribbons on the ends and your cheeks with smears of dirt like you sometimes got when camping. You’d tried to beg for your pack because Joel had told you it was important and then you tried to beg for your life because he’d told you that was important, too. 

It hadn’t worked. 

You’d been in the man’s grip, his knife at your throat and your eyes found Joel’s and you said the same thing to him you always did before you died at the hands of whatever monster he’d left you to suffer: 

I’ll always love you, Joel. Til the day I die.

“Don’t expect her to be you,” Joel said quietly, refusing to look at the ghost beside him. He didn’t need to. He knew what you’d look like, down to the jeans you were wearing and how many buttons were done up on your shirt. You always came to him in the form you’d been in the last time he’d seen you, when you waved to him as you passed through airport security on your way back to New York five years ago today. 

“I wonder why you’re always let down then,” you sounded almost smug. It didn’t sound right on your voice. You were so rarely smug. He’d made you mean in death. 

“Does it matter?” He asked. 

“I guess not,” you said. “Just thought you’d have found something better to do by now. It’s been five years, Joel.” 

He turned to look at you then. You were sitting close enough to him that, if you were real, he would feel the heat of you there. 

But there was no warmth to be found in a ghost. 

“Know how long it’s been,” he said gruffly. 

“Well, you probably deserve to torture yourself a little,” you sighed, no longer looking at him and out at the forest instead. “It’s your fault I died the way I did, you know.” 

That’s how he knew it was all in his head. You’d never say that to him. 

Even if it was true. 

“I know.” 

He sat in silence for a few minutes, refusing to look at you, speak to you even though he sometimes wondered if falling into his delusions would be the best he could hope for in this life. Nothing else would measure up to you. He knew that. He would, for the rest of his life, regret not being beside you when the world ended. He would, for the rest of his life, compare every woman he ever met to you. He would, for the rest of his life, wish for something he could never have because he’d done nothing but fucking fail the only people in the world who mattered. Now, you were both out of reach.

“I miss you, you know,” you said eventually, quietly. “I missed you when I died, too.” 

Joel didn’t say anything. He just clenched his jaw. 

“I was alone,” you said. “I was scared. You know how I got panic attacks, imagine how bad it would have been then…” 

“Stop.” 

“How I would have looked for you…” 

“Stop it.” 

“How I would have been worried about you, even as they killed me I would have been worrying for you…” 

“SHUT UP!” 

He yelled it, finally looking at you again. But you weren’t what he expected. At least, not in how you were looking at him. 

So often when he pictured you now, when you spoke to him like this - when he was sleep deprived but couldn’t rest and was in desperate need of some kind of solace - there was an almost vicious look on your face. He didn’t think he’d ever seen you look like that when you were alive, it was an expression entirely of his mind’s invention. You had never been cruel or even really aggressive in life but he couldn’t think of you without it. It hurt too much to see you kind. 

But you looked earnest and sad now, so like the real you, like he was worthy of your pity for the first time in five years. It was like his heart beat for the first time since he’d held his daughter’s body.

“You never even looked for me, Joel,” you said softly. “I could have made it, you know.” 

He shook his head. 

“Don’t say that. Don’t put that thought in me, don’t…” 

“I could have. You can’t know, not really. Why did you give up on me? Why didn’t you come find me? Save me?” 

“How would you have lived?” He asked, meaning to sound angry but he couldn’t. “How would you have fucking made it through that? What was I supposed to find? What was I supposed to save?” 

You just shrugged. 

“If you really think I’m gone, why didn’t you join me? Join her?” 

He looked straight ahead. 

“I tried.” 

“You flinched.” 

He hung his head, clenched his jaw. Yes, he’d failed at that, too.

“Is this really how you’re going to spend your life, Joel?” You sounded like you. He could almost feel the gentle brush of your fingers on his neck. He still knew your touch so well, he still compared every woman he ever felt to that touch. “Hurting people and killing people and suffering yourself? Do you think this is what I would want for you?” 

He looked to the side, as far from you as he could without leaving you. 

“You could try something else,” you said after a moment. 

He looked back to you again. You were still so beautiful. Even dead, you were beautiful. 

“Try what?” He asked. “What other fuckin’ options do I have?” 

“You could go to a QZ,” you shrugged. “Try to be a person again. Have a life.” 

He scoffed.

“What’s the point?” 

“What’s the point of any of it?” You asked. “You flinched, Joel. There must be a reason for it. Do you really think you’re going to find it out here, like this? Become yourself again, become the man I loved so much that I begged him to stay, even when he told me I wasn’t worth staying for. I know you can.” 

Joel thought for a moment. 

What if you were right? What if there was still some kind of meaning to this fucked up world he was trapped in? It didn’t seem possible, not really. But you were impossible, too. You’d been impossible before the world ended and yet you’d existed. You had existed and you had chosen him. 

“You loved me once,” you said softly. 

“I still love you,” he said. “Always will.” 

“Then try. For me. OK?” 

You were looking at him, so full of hope and love that he couldn’t say no. He could never say no, not to you. 

He took a deep breath. 

“OK.” 

You smiled and you were beautiful, still so beautiful. 

“Thank you,” you said before you took a deep breath and turned your face toward the full moon like you were basking in the sun. “I think it’s time for me to go. But I’ll see you soon.” 

He huffed, cynical, looking in front of again.

“Sure you’ll be back when I’m too tired to think straight,” he said. 

“I’m sure I will,” he heard the smile in your voice. “But who knows? Maybe you won’t need me anymore, not once you find yourself again.” 

He looked at you, frowning. 

“What…” 

“Take care of yourself for me,” you leaned in so close, close enough that, if you were real, he would feel the brush of your lips on his and smell the lavender of your shampoo. “I’ll always love you, Joel. Til the day I die.” 

You were gone before he had a chance to respond, nothing but air and silence, the echo of a ghost in your wake. 

He sighed and leaned back against the tree, closing his eyes for a moment, trying to think. Maybe a QZ wasn’t a terrible idea. They’d heard some halfway decent things about Boston lately. If they started heading that way now, they could be there before the snow flies. 

And Boston, at least, was a new city. A place he’d never been, where there were no ghosts to haunt him. It was a good a place as any to try to become a person again. It was a good a place as any to try to move past you. 

Joel settled in to his watch, deciding to talk to Tommy in the morning. He’d be on board. He always was, when Joel made up his mind. 

And who knows, maybe he would find something in Boston worth flinching for. 

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavenderversary ❤️

Hi Lavender Besties!

Tomorrow is the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of the first chapter of Lavender. That’s right, my first TLOU fic is turning one 😭

I do have a few things coming in celebration that I’ll share throughout the day tomorrow but if you all have ever had any questions about Lavender or HCs you wanted to share (or ask about) or really anything, please head on over to my ask box. I would love to spend some time thinking about and loving on Joel and Doc this week. I hope you will, too!

I can’t believe I started sharing this story a year ago. It feels both so much longer ago than that but so much more recent, too. I think most of you who follow me are here because of Lavender, so thank you for sticking around even after it wrapped up. You’ve made sharing these stories so fun and fulfilling and you’ve made my life infinitely brighter, too. I really do love you all.

Thank you for being here and for loving these characters! It means everything to me ❤️

Love you!

[justagalwhowrites]

Happy Lavender Day 🪻

AHHHHHH! Today is the day!!!! Happy birthday to Lavender, my first TLOU fic.

I'm not sure why but this day is just hitting me hard and I'm so excited to share a few things with you lovely folks. I've got a few things scheduled to go up today and I hope you enjoy them!

To get things started, here's a song that I've kind of come to think of as a bit of a theme song for this fic. I discovered this song after I wrote the entirety of the fic, so it had no bearing on the story itself, but it just felt so beautifully suited to Joel and Doc and the title could not be more appropriate.

We also have a few fan made Lavender playlists that are INCREDIBLE! Check them out if you’re looking for something to listen to while thinking about Joel and Doc today ❤️

More to come soon! As I mentioned yesterday, if you have any questions about Lavender, any thoughts, anything you want yell at me about in hindsight, my ask box is open ❤️

Love you all!

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender in Hindsight 🪻

First of all, everyone tell @knopes-waffles how amazing she is for making THIS MASTERPIECE????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I'm so in love, it's so perfect, it captures the Miller family happy and healthy in Jackson so beautifully. Artists are magic to me, I don't know how y'all do it, this is amazing.

Second of all, I cannot thank each and every one of you enough for embracing this fic the way you have. This story meant a lot to me to write. In part because, as a person, I feel like I identify so much with these characters and writing them was almost healing, in a way. It also was some of the first writing I ever did that I was distinctly proud of. I've written a lot in my life (believe it or not, at more than 1,000,000 words of fic written I think I've still written more non-fanfic fiction) but never felt like I wanted to share it. I still feel that way a lot but Lavender helped change that.

I also feel like the readers really helped make this story what it is. Yes, I probably would have written it regardless, even if it just lived inside my laptop and never went anywhere, but writing it as you were reading it was just a beautiful experience. There was a reason I couldn't stop writing it and you all were a big part of that.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to try to do something I haven't done before: read my own work and make (minor) tweaks. I generally feel really embarrassed or disappointed reading my own writing, I tend to avoid it. I always think it should be different or better or something besides mine. But, for this project, I just want to make sure things are spelled correctly that I might have missed the first time through and make very minor changes to make the text more inclusive (things like not using the word blushed, for example. It just didn't even occur to me as I was writing the early chapters because white privilege, yo!) but I'm also going to challenge myself to put together some reactions to my own words that aren't just "Hey this is bad and you should feel bad" and share them with you all as I'm going through it (assuming it's something you'd like to see/read? I don't know??)

Anyway, all this is to say... thank you for making Lavender what it is. It wouldn't be this story without you and this story means so much to me. I couldn't be more grateful to you all for it ❤️

[justagalwhowrites]

Fan Art ❤️

Never in my wildest dreams did I EVER think someone would make FAN ART of something I wrote???? WHAT IN THE WORLD?

To be honest, I'm still amazed that y'all read what I wrote at all but I digress. Please check out some of the beautiful things you've shared with me because of this fic. The fact that you were moved enough to make something for this story is my Roman Empire. I am not kidding.

The image that is the cover for the fic by the AMAZING @gizmogurlie41786

A drawing of baby Joel and Doc (including the cherry print sundress!) by the fabulous @darkblue-tennesseee and the whole happy family with Ellie loving on her parents by the incredible @bellsyapping.

Thank you so so much for taking the time to make and share this! I truly adore it and you!!

[justagalwhowrites]

With those asks answered, I think that's a wrap on Lavenderversary! (Mostly, I have one more in my ask box that I'm going to do a little one shot on when I have a good idea for it.)

One final note because no one has mentioned it yet... Has anyone noticed the way the titles of the first one shot of the day and the last one shot of the day work together?

What Was Lost... ...Can Be Found

ANYWAY!

Thank you all so so much for being here, for sharing your thoughts and feelings, for caring about these characters, for reading a single word of anything I've written, for existing as yourself in this space. I love you all and getting to do this with you is one of the highlights of my life.

🪻❤️

[justagalwhowrites]

Thank you 🪻❤️

AHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH, @dundienominee FOR THIS GORGEOUS PIECE OF ART!

And thank you all so very much for hanging out with me for the first Lavenderversary. I was at the office most of the day (I used the post scheduling function on Tumblr for the first time EVER and I'm amazed nothing broke) so I haven't been able to reply to everything yet, but I have so many gorgeous asks in my ask box I'll be getting to over the next few days.

I hope you had fun looking back on this story and getting to explore some new parts of it. It was so fulfilling to revisit these characters and go back into their world, so thank you for giving me the space to do it.

Words really cannot express how much I love and appreciate you all, so I'll keep it simple:

I love you. Thank you. You make the world a little brighter by just existing as you are. You mean the world.

🪻

[justagalwhowrites]

have I mentioned lately how obsessed with you I am? (don't look in the bushes outside your house)

CONGRATULATIONS on one year of Lavender. That story healed things in me I thought were beyond ever being "fixed"

it (and you) inspired me so much and your encouragement is what set me on my own writing journey and I don't think i'll ever find the words to thank you enough for that!

i love you so much and I'm so proud of you and I am so blessed to call you my friend!

OMG HI BESTIE!

Stop hiding in the bushes and come on in so we can cuddle and have snacks because I love you!

Thank you so so much! You have no idea what reading that means to me. Just... thank you for sharing that. Storytelling can be so powerful that way, it can be such a cathartic force and such a great tool for helping us to understand and heal ourselves and I'm so glad Lavender did that for you.

And thank you for writing and sharing! I love you work, I will forever be a fan of your beautiful storytelling. That I had any part to play in it at all will always be such a joy in my life ❤️

I love you, too! And I'm so glad this fandom brought us together!!!

LOVE YOU, BESTIE!

[justagalwhowrites]

Bestieeee! HAPPY LAVENDERSARY! I cannot believe it’s already a year since you started this story!😱 I guess that in my efforts to push myself out here more and my want to participate a little bit in this celebration, I’m sending you a question about Sylvie, Ellie, Doc, and Joel’s life after the epilogue, and I wonder if you have some thoughts about it? Love you! Congratulations once again for writing this amazing story!🫂♥️♥️♥️

AHHHH BESTIE!!!!!

I can't believe that it's been a year but I also can't believe it's been just a year, you know? Who even was I before Joel and Doc??? I don't know anymore. Question response below the cut!

I LOVE this question!! I've thought so much about their lives together, really. To start, Joel and Doc die when they're 101 and 90 respectively, the night of Doc's 90th birthday party. They go to bed together after being surrounded by their children and grandchildren (Sylvie marries Jonah in the 2040s after being childhood sweethearts. Andrew and Doc are overjoyed that they finally get to be actually related) and die peacefully in their sleep.

In between the end of the story and that time, they are leaders in Jackson where they help take care of the town and its people. Almost no one knows about what Doc did to save humanity, but she calls in a few favors because of it when it really counts. Jackson stayed operating pretty independently from all the new government systems being set up - something she helped facilitate.- and she also uses her connections and contributions to get another doctor into Jackson when she starts worrying about being able to keep up with the work. Joel tries to teach her guitar at one point and it goes very poorly. They settle for slow dancing to a CD in their living room and Joel playing guitar for her. They make sure they take time to go to the lake just the two of them in the summer because there's just something about the water. It takes a few years after humanity begins to function again but Joel is finally able to reliably get his hands on coffee beans. He makes a hobby out of making Doc her frilly coffees while drinking the straight black stuff he likes best. Ellie and Dina get together permanently about a year after Dina has JJ. Jesse is an excellent coparent. Joel and Doc love the crap out of that baby and Joel teaches him how to fish and throw a football and calls him sport. As the threat from infected eases, Joel and Doc take Sylvie, Ellie, Dina and JJ camping. They make smores and Doc sets one marshmallow on fire to make hers like Sarah did. Doc and Joel tell Sylvie and Ellie all about their older sister. The girls miss her, too, but in a way that makes their lives richer because that means they get to know her, too.

All in all, Joel and Doc get 45 years together, happy in Jackson with their girls and the family they made. It just took them a while to get there ❤️

You can also see what they got up to on the Lavenderversary with the last one shot I shared yesterday, ...Can Be Found.

Thank you so so much for being here and loving on these stories, bestie!!!! Your comments and asks are consistently some of the favorite parts of my day and I'm so happy to share this beautiful corner of the internet with you.

Love you!!!!

[justagalwhowrites]

Hi hi hi!! Anon who suggested the “Joel thinks Doc is dead” idea. You knocked it out of the park!! Thank you!!

Your Lavender Joel fascinates me because part of me really hates him because he doesn’t do what I want, and he’s different than me, but I think that’s what also makes him incredibly real. I also sent the other anon about his reaction to Doc losing the baby. He just doesn’t always sit right with me but truthfully I think that’s the mark of good character building. That said, *this* Joel is, unfortunately, SO ME and I’m looking forward to a reread so I can see him from this point of view. One of my worst traits is the way I torture myself with scenarios like how he imagines things went for Doc. Like “how can I dramatize this further? Ah, I know…” but it’s really compulsive and I hate it. Very adding salt to your own wound.

Also, this line: “He wasn’t sure why you’d hung on in ways Sarah hadn’t. Maybe because he knew what happened to her, knew where her body had gone cold.” Goddd. That tragic searing mystery of unknown loss. Having the two to compare is so cruel.

Lastly, love the comment about Joel knowing he was imagining Doc bc he’d made her mean. That kind of imperfect slip in the realism and projection of his own head is so good. Sheesh you’re such a good writer!!

I hope you’re having a great Lavender Day! 💜

OMG Hi again, Bestie!! I just answered your other ask a little while ago!

Thank you SO MUCH for that suggestion! It gave me brain rot for DAYS and I was so happy with what came out of it. And OMG I get you with Lavender Joel. He's both the Joel I most frequently kill in games of FMK with my Joels but also he might be the one I love most? I don't know. He's a hard character but I feel like I got to really just feel with him through this story and even though I haven't gone through anything like what he has, I feel this connection to him. In the end, I think his core trait is that he loves in this fierce, consuming way. He loses himself in the people he loves and that's why love becomes so dangerous for him in the end of the world. And someone who loves like that is just... yes. I adore them.

Thank you for being here and sending such thoughtful asks and just being you!! Love you, Bestie!!!

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender was my first TLOU fic I ever read. It has such a special place in my heart, especially coming from medicine myself. I'll never forget that you worked cholecystitis into a fic 🤣🤣 You have a winner when your readers get physical manifestations of emotions while they're reading. Not just a general sense of empathy, but my chest felt physically tight for, like, half of Lavender because of the damn angst (said in a loving, reverent tone). Seriously, I'd just walk through my house and my life on the verge of tears thinking about it. You did that!

Happier, hornier manifestations happened too, *ahem*

AHHH BESTIE!!!

You have no idea how happy I am that someone appreciated that lmfaoooo like I was out here researching something that Doc could solve and I was like "No one is going to care this much about it" "Maybe not BUT IT SHOULD BE RIGHT KEEP GOOGLING" so I'm glad someone liked it!!

But thank you so so much. It means just everything to me that my writing made you feel something! These characters are so important to me, their joys and their sorrows and everything in between. Thank you for sharing in them!!

Love you so much!!!

[justagalwhowrites]

I ADORE Lavender! It's one of my comfort fics! Thank you for feeding us with new snippets about them! 💖

Huge fan of your Christmas story too! It is so real and sweet!

AHHHHHH! Comfort fic??? Bestieeeee that's so sweet thank you for saying that!!! I'm so glad you love it!!

And OMG thank you! Holly Jolly was so fun to write, just light and sweet. Joel and Cocoa are just precious babies and they're just doing their best for their kids. That's what the holidays are all about!

Thank you so much for reading and sharing!! Love you!

[justagalwhowrites]

bestie happy lavender day!!!!! Can’t believe this story is a year old already - it has genuinely enriched my love and experience of both tlou and the Pedro fandom SO much and I am so so grateful for you and the world you’ve created 🥺🫶

I adore all of your writing but this one holds a very special place in my heart :’)

In terms of questions I would love to know how you think a garden party / double date with Joel & Doc / Bill & Frank would go! How do you think their dynamics would play out? I feel like as much as Frank / Doc and Bill / Joel share the sunshine x grumpy parallels, I could totally see Bill and Doc bonding in the kitchen while he cooks and she bakes 🥺 like Bill might be disgruntled at first but quietly respects Doc’s skills around a whisk lol

would love to know what you think!! xxx

EEEEEE thank you so much, Bestie!

It's so amazing to know that this fic impacted you that way. This story is so special to me and I love hearing that it's special to others, too.

OMG an AU where Joel and Doc are together and go see Bill and Frank? Amazing. There are so many parallels here. Frank loves Doc immediately, of course. They're both so happy for a new friend and Frank LOVES that she wears ribbons in her hair and makes her go with him to the boutique to go shopping because, in his words, "I was a little gay boy who wasn't allowed to have Barbies as a child, give me this." Bill and Joel kind of look at each other like "dear lord what have we brought upon ourselves."

But then she charms Bill, too. She has her secrets in the kitchen - like the soy sauce instead of salt in the cookies - and they get down into the nitty gritty of it, geeking out over their shared passion. After Joel and Doc leave Frank looks at Bill and kinda elbows him a little and goes "See? Wasn't so bad." "Guess not. Don't know how she puts up with him, though." Frank kind of shakes his head at the obvious similarities I'm their relationship sailing right over Bill's head. "Good question."

Thank you for asking, Bestie!

Love you!!