#laundry is a tomorrow problem I’ve decided

[shipskicksandgiggles]

I used to deep clean my apartment every other week. now I barely have the spoons to clean at all. what the fuck

[oomisluvr]

YOURS, MINE, OURS (I COULD DO THIS FOR HOURS)

SYNOPSIS: kiyoomi sucks at housework and you are absolutely no help.

WARNINGS: none! probably some swearing, but that’s all :’) useless!sakusa, never-learned-now-to-hang-a-photo!sakusa, also the beginning of domestic!sakusa, sfw!

“It’s a little crooked. Tilt the left side up a bit–No! My left, not yours.”

“We’re facing the same direction, love. It’s the same left.”

“Don’t sass me.” You suck your teeth, “You’re the one that asked for my help.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Kiyoomi dismisses you, arms still outstretched to successfully level the small frame, “Does this look any better?”

It doesn’t. It's actually worse now.

“Looks fantastic.” You quip helpfully.

With a final huff, Kiyoomi steps back to look at his handiwork, hands braced on his hips like a proud father. Silence weighs heavy between you two. He sighs.

“I’m gonna burn down this entire building.”

“It’s not that bad, babe.”

“This looks awful. I mean, did I put this up during an earthquake? What even happened?”

“It’s an easy fix. 30 minutes max.”

“Tiktok made it look so easy.” He groans, heading for the kitchen, “‘Quick-and-easy home project’, my ass. This whole ordeal has been lengthy and difficult.”

“You’re not gonna fix it?” You ask, a bit shocked. Kiyoomi’s never been the type to abandon a project of any kind.

“I know my limits. It’s tomorrow's problem.” He decides, grabbing a bowl from the cabinet and hunting for some cereal. Brown eyes peer into your own, “Do I have you for the weekend or are you going home?”

“I think I’ll stay.“ You hum, watching him pour milk into the small ceramic bowl, “Only if we get breakfast in the morning.”

You’ve been told Kiyoomi’s been less uptight since dating you. More friendly. Open-minded. Willing to try new things. You’ve watched him grow significantly since when you first started seeing him, and you’re secure enough in this relationship to say you’ve loved every version of him. You were friends before you were anything more, and dating him has made your relationship even stronger.

“Done.” He nods, capping the milk, “I’ve been meaning to give you something, by the way.” You watch him rummage through the kitchen drawer, a slight tremor in his movements. Whatever he was searching for lands in your hand with a light toss, the object softly clinking when you catch it. “I want you to have this.”

Unequivocal access to his private space. The key to his house. You blink. 

“A key? You want me to start picking up your mail?”

He rolls his eyes, “What I would like is for you to move in with me, but I figured this is the first step.”

“This is…” You swallow, staring down at the metal as if it were alien, “A very big step.”

“I know. I trust you, though.”

To say you’re shocked in an understatement. Your relationship has been nothing short of amazing, but Kiyoomi’s always valued personal space. You expected this stage to come much further down the road.

“My lease ends in a few months.”

“I know.” You see it now, the nervousness radiating off of him. “Believe it or not, I like having you around.”

Shaking your head, “You’ll get sick of me.”

“Impossible. I adore you.”

“I’m messier than you. I’ll leave my clothes everywhere.”

“Then we’ll just have to do laundry together. You wash and I’ll fold?”

“I can’t cook.”

“Me neither.” He suppresses a grin, “But I trust that we’ll figure it out.”

You laugh, wrapping your arms around his neck. “I’m not going to win this, am I?”

He shakes his head, black curls bouncing effortlessly with the movement, “Nope.”

Your expression softens, “I’ll drive you crazy.”

He hums, dipping down to press his lips to yours, “You already do.”

Jumpcut to all the pictures falling off the wall and shattering because Kiyoomi has no life skills :D

THANKS FOR READING!!

[fatedwithmbc]

The nights I need to go to sleep at a decent hour turn into the nights I’m up for all hours. I find it difficult to understand because I take the same medications each evening. Last night, my medications put me into a drowsy state quite easily and quickly after taking them. Tonight, I’m pleading for the same reaction without the side effect actually occurring. I’ve even set up and am diffusing lavender oil. Crazy how life works out like that sometimes. Even more confusing is that I didn’t take a nap today, so I should feel more prone to sleeping anyway.

This afternoon, I picked up my medication samples from the psychiatrist, followed by a trip to Starbucks. I confirmed a doctor appointment. I also rescheduled my hair appointment because my hair doesn’t seem like it needs maintenance yet and did my nightly routine (5 Minute Journal, Tarot One Card Pull, Color Oracle One Card Pull, The Daily Stoic and Color My Mood) because I knew I’d be going out to dinner. Then occupy my time and ensure I didn’t nap, I did several things this afternoon.

I tried placing my mug racks in the location I imagined they’d work and I was wrong. That section of my wall isn’t wide enough for six of the racks. I will have to settle for three in the initial spot and then place three in another location.

Once I was done fiddling around with the mugs, I decided to organize my t-shirts. I sorted them into a few categories: Eagles, Phillies, 76ers/Flyers and then bands and shirts from traveling. I still have a section of shirts in a laundry basket that I need to add to this, but I didn’t realize I missed them until I had finished the initial organization process. I learned I have about 40 t-shirts for the Eagles alone. Next highest is for the Phillies. In third, travel and random shirts followed by band t-shirts. I’ll dig into the final pile and do a reorganization of my dresser drawers to accommodate the changes tomorrow. I think this heightened my realization that I really do not need any more t-shirts (… or mugs).

I’m literally running out of physical space. If I have enough band and travel t-shirts, I may seek getting them made into a quilt. I need 42 for a queen sized quilt. My sports attire I live in and don’t think I can part with even to make a quilt which would preserve the items. And, I think it would fuel the purchase of more sports attire— which is no solution to the initial problem (lack of space).

The lack of space triggered a closet clean out project that I’ve been working on all summer. Currently, I’m down to needing to put hoodies into totes. But it’s going to be cold soon and I’m questioning the tote solution. I’ll figure it out.

I also have a lot of things for the church rummage sale, but that is in October. I’m driving my Mom-Mom nuts with piles of things here, a tote bag there— it’s just all in process and not finalized and I understand her frustration.

Basically, I need to keep working on getting my shit together emotionally, medicinally and physically. Haha

This evening, I did have a nice dinner with Dan & Betsy at Founding Farmers. I swear it’s my favorite restaurant. I could go there all of the time. They enjoyed it as well. We had an enjoyable time and I brought home some chocolates to share with Mom-Mom.

Mom-Mom and I chatted and then read “Good Enough” by Kate Bowler and Jessica Richie. We’ve been doing this practice together because I feel she has strong faith and I found that I would need to have conversations after certain chapters. Therefore, it became a practice with us and I enjoy that we’re doing it together. The best is that there isn’t pressure to do it daily and we do it at our own pace and have meaningful conversations after we each read the chapter. It’s something I’ll be glad we’ve done and accomplished in the future and I value the wisdom that I get from the conversations.

I’m finally starting to feel a bit more on the sleepy side. Maybe I just needed to get rid of these thoughts, no matter how mundane. Also, day two of cycle three of Ibrance: so far, so good.

Thank you all for your support and of course reading my work!

El Fin.

[nancypullen]

Welfare Check

Just popping in to let you know that I’m not in a coma or six feet under. We had the grandgirl for a few days and then I needed Tuesday to recover. Just kidding, she is FUN, we’re just not used to that much fun.  I don’t remember getting a backache during bath time when my kids were little. Anywho - today I played catch up around the house, processed a couple loads of laundry, and planned our menus for the next few days. Normal, boring stuff.  What I haven’t yet done sit down and watch the Miss Universe pageant!  I spent last week watching a few preliminary rounds and checking out national costumes. I chose my favorites, and I’ve avoided all pageant-related news so I can still be surprised.  Honestly, I just want to see the evening gowns. I already know that Miss Guatemala struggled with hers.  Didn’t she try walking in it before the pageant??

https://www.tiktok.com/@masterpageant/video/7023113387219504410 Click that link to watch her gown try to sabotage her.

Other than feeling my age and dreaming of gowns (by the way, it’s really sad to know that at my age any chance to wear a fabulous gown has passed) I’ve been choosing colors for the kitchen.  We finally found a reputable company to paint the cabinets and I’m in the market for some granite now.  The estimate for the cabinets was quite a bit higher than I expected, but I was basing it on Tennessee prices.  They’ll sand, prime, sand again, spray, and seal. The fellow who gave us the estimate said it should take two to three days.  Guess who won’t be cooking?   I know I’ve talked about choosing Knoxville Gray....

or maybe a pretty thyme green.  But I think I’m chicken.  I’d probably love it, but I’d have to commit to it for a long, long time.  We won’t be doing a kitchen makeover again anytime soon.  I’m probably going to play it safe.  I don’t want white, I want something creamier and deeper.  Not beige, not khaki, not yellow-toned....just a creamy, soft, off-white.

That’s our wall color and our flooring - I just plugged in some fake cabinet fronts and oil-rubbed bronze hardware and faucet.  That’s a nice, serene space and will still lend itself to seasonal decor - spring flowers to Christmas reds. If you know me you already know that I’m going to drive myself crazy comparing fifty shades of cream before deciding on the right one.  One step in the wrong direction and I’ll have cabinets that look yellow, a toe the other way and they’re too cool.  No one else would care but I’d see it every day of my life.  Yeah, yeah, I know - first world problem. Speaking of fifty shades of cream - I haven’t colored my roots in ages and I’m back in the camp of not wanting to keep that cycle going.  I wonder if I could just get a starburst of really light highlights on the crown of my head and let everything grow out again. I think I just want to be an artist granny with a long, white braid.  My mother told me that white hair aged me, but I’m telling you - the last eight months have aged me more than the last eight years.  I’m hoping that 2023 revives me.  Of course, I’ll be 60 on my next birthday, I’m allowed to age. If wrinkles only go where the smiles have been then I’ve smiled a lot. Anyywayyyy, I’ll be back tomorrow with some things to say. I’ve been thinking about stuff.  I’ve got to pop some dinner in the oven for the mister and then kick his butt at Jeopardy.  It’s all part of our romantic daily routine.    Stay tuned for fast-paced, meaningful blog posts.  Just kidding, it’ll be more nonsense. Stay safe, stay well, see ya’ tomorrow.

Nancy

[australiablog]

3/7

Today I have a free day in Darwin. I honestly have no real plans, I’m so tired! Last night Tom was saying that our itinerary was definitely way fuller as what he normally does. He said that he doesn’t get tired easily because he has very good stamina, and even he was tired, so he couldn’t imagine how tired we all were. Well pretty damn tired of you ask me. I did confess that if I would have been really solo or with my sister, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have done the last hike. I would have said screw the sunset from a high vantage point and we’ll just watch it from the side of the road, now don’t get me wrong I’m very happy we did because it was gorgeous. But I did push myself more as I would have done if I was on my own. Anyway chill day today, tomorrow I’m getting the greyhound to Alice Springs and somehow I couldn’t get the tickets downloaded, the information I had was not letting me log in. I had emailed my travel agent about this already two days ago, but with basically having no signal when we were out and about I could only reply in the morning or evening. So with the time difference on top of things, it made communication very difficult. So today I decided to walk to the bus stop, so a) I would know where it was and b) so I could talk to someone. Turned out they have no information desk, so I had to call them. Now normally this would not be a problem but I’ve got an eSIM with data only, no phone number. And I really didn’t want to use my Belgian number so I went back to the hostel and asked for help. They let me use their phone and I got everything sorted out in under 5 minutes. I’ve acclimatised to the warmth now, but I had a alot of dirty clothes so I did a laundry while I had time. My wash line came in handy, because all the lines the mom hostel had were full. While sorting out my laundry I realised I had forgotten my chocolate in the cool box we had on the tour. Because the trailer gets super hot, I had taken it out of my bag and stored it in the cooler. With going for drinks I completely forgot about it. On the tour we all downloaded PhotoCircle, it’s an app that you can invite people too and share photos. Because we went for drinks last night, Tom had put his number on it. So I texted him if it was possible for me to come and pick up the chocolate. He said he had to be in the city and would drop it off. The rest of my day was basically lounging at the pool, going out to buy some souvenirs and just having a chill day. Going to bed early was once again very difficult in a hostel, I had asked for a female dorm but since the hostel was full I was sharing with a girl and two guys again. The dorm room was extremely chilly last night, so while I was talking to the girl from Israel in my room I told her I was envy of her blanket. Turns out I could get one at the reception, when I say I ran I’m not joking. The girl and two guys had been living in the dorm for a few months. I honestly could not do that, because something I’ve learned on this trip already is that I love the social aspect of a hostel, meeting new people is so much fun. The sleeping however is a nightmare for me. I’m a bad sleeper at the best of times, in a hostel with parties everyday until 11 and people who rather stay up late and sleep in late is not ideal for an early riser like me. So while I know it’s super cheap to stay at hostels, I’ve emailed my travel agent if I could switch to a hotel for Alice Springs on Friday. Now all I need to do is wait for an answer.

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, JANUARY 29, 1993 I have some updating to do on that guy Scott I mentioned but I’ll get to it later.

The last night I worked I cut $94 and $112 the previous night. I sent Tammy 4 envelopes stuffed with cash. I sent $280. I’ve also sent letters, but I haven’t heard from my parents or Bob. I got postcard number 3 from Kim who’s been home a few days now. It’s a really cool card.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 1993 Today as I was doing my laundry (yesterday) I saw an ad. The ad said, “We need to get out of our lease and will pay $250 cash.” I called and met this girl Kathy. No, she was no butch. She was feminine, kind of pretty and with a guy. They got caught with 2 cats so they’re moving. It was a small 1-bedroom which is bigger than I thought. We went to the office and spoke to Paula and Judy. Judy said cuz I just began my job they may need Mom and Dad to co-sign. Then I thought about it and decided to wait till my lease is up here and get something bigger and even better. Plus, I just only began to get my act together, even though I plan on keeping it that way. I can’t be bothered at this moment with moving, what with the dancing and other stuff going on, too. I need to help Tammy, too.

About two weeks ago I met this really cool guy at work. He’s pretty wealthy too and owns a few businesses. He gives me lots of tips and he’d rather talk with me than have me dance for him which is cool with me. He has a connection with Capitol Records in L.A. Some guy he knows there to which he sent a tape I made. Who knows about that, but right now I have the biggest, best and most promising news ever. I think I got my foot in the door for sure. This is not the younger and naïve Jodi saying this. This is the Jodi of today who did all her homework along with John. John and I both talked to this guy named Joe who says he managed Civil Defense and Society Slaves under the name Mercury. He’s bi and his band’s all gay guys who he’d send into Entertainer’s Inc. to back me musically on a free demo. He told me to call an Al F Chicago where their main studios are. He said they only have one of their studios here, but if Al couldn’t book me here in PHX, he’d fly me and John free to Chicago. I asked why he would do all this for me. He told John and me, “I have nothing to gain, but my name on her record as she has talent and I believe she can go a long way. It’ll boost the company up, too.”

So John did some homework and called this guy in Chicago. This guy’s for real! He’s 100% legit! So, I spoke with John and Joe. Joe also spoke to Al and Al’s gonna call me. Joe feels this can all be done in a week or two.

Desperado Linda called last night and two nights ago. She called while Kara was here. This woman scares the shit out of me. I’m following my gut. No way! She’s just like a man.

I am gonna go listen to music soon and maybe watch some shows I taped.

Later…

So, it’s been 5 years and 3 months since I began all my journals.

I slept way too late today even though I surely needed to. I got up at 3:00 so it’ll be hard to sleep before 7:00 and UPS is coming today. I’m sure they’ll be here earlier than usual. If I only sleep 5 hours, then OK, as I had plenty of sleep.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna tell Laurie that I can’t stop her or Andy from talking, but that I refuse to discuss him when we’re together. I’ll also make damn sure I never say anything I don’t want Andy to hear. And he would hear it.

I haven’t heard from my parents since I left the message. They’re either not home, busy, can’t get ahold of me or they dumped me. If they did dump me, that’s their problem. Not everyone is just like Dureen and Art O.

Later…

I can hear that stupid little shit next door. I’m sure he’s enjoying his night off. He sure had a hell of a nerve being all sweet and lovey-dovey to my face last Friday night, while only a few hours earlier he cut me down to Kara. Kara said that if he asks her to tag along on errands, she’s not gonna just say no. She’s gonna tell why. He needs to get off the fucking pot which makes him so paranoid and go from A to Z. He brought this all on himself and I certainly need time. He can leave a million pleading messages, but I need a few weeks at least.

Later…

I am now watching Jenny Jones, a talk show. It’s all about women who like younger men.

I just realized that I can’t send that traveler’s check back as ma paid cash for it. I am sure it’s non-refundable. I’ll cash it and send it to Tammy along with other money in a money order.

I just sent Nervous a letter and tomorrow Kim returns from Florida. She’ll have 3 shocking, surprising, yet great letters. All with fantastic news as well as funny stuff.

Aside from helping Tammy with financial matters and going shopping, I’ll find out exactly how much I must pay to have my blocks lifted since I haven’t been here a year. I’ll probably have to pay over $100. Maybe around $150, but that’s no problem. Damn! That feels so weird saying that and it probably will for a while. I’ll owe fuckface phone bill money, too.

I still have not heard from Bob, so I have no idea what he’s up to or where he is.

I think Rachel moved back to Oregon or Alaska. Oh well.

I’ll first see if Kara can tape Gloria from the radio special before I ask Laurie.

Later…

Unfortunately, I am not one bit tired. I surely won’t end up with much sleep, but I’m gonna bust my ass at work and work my ass off (excuse the pun). Why? More money, of course, unless it’s as dead as Sunday was, even though I doubt it’ll be. It’ll also knock me out sooner when I get home.

I’ll need Laurie to bring me to and from work as John’s off. I spoke to John earlier and told him about my arrangement with Laurie.

I know Laurie sincerely needs help but is Andy trying to get us to be friends so he can come between us? Probably. However, Laurie is not going to be my “friend.” I’m paying her to drive me to help me out while I help her out.

When Linda called earlier I went a little funny on her. Kara and I were laughing our asses off. Linda was too, but I still have a bad feeling about her. Whenever she calls I’ll just read this journal pretty damn out of order. She asked why I hung up on her Monday night. Of course, I didn’t hang up on her, I told her to call me back as I had other stuff going on. She then asked if the other stuff was more important than her. Yes, I told her. I think she was half serious and half playing with me, but either way that’s pretty pushy, desperate and persistent. She also told me she refuses to give up on me. Perhaps this can be a really fun game after all. This is what I was gonna do if I ever got calls from those gay bars.

This girl is either sweet, gentle and sincere or a rough crazy brute. I just don’t know if she’s desperate in the right way or in the wrong way. We all take risks and chances, but I’d rather not on this girl. I’ll just keep playing with her which sure is fun. She keeps calling me “girl” too when I have a name.

I think I’ll send her to Building 10 across from me where I can still see her. I don’t want to send her downstairs as I couldn’t watch her without her noticing me. At Building 10, I can watch her more discreetly without being detected. She’s less likely to notice me or hear me laugh my ass off.

I’ve met and heard of other gay and violent women, but I’ve never been wanted by a woman who literally scared the shit out of me. I’m terrified to death of this girl. She makes me think of a violent butch (even with the touch of femininity) who is in jail and beats, rapes, and dominates other women. Only 10% of me feels this girl is sounding and being pushy out of good intentions. I can picture her making love to a woman, being gentle at first, then so suddenly turning into a rough brute. Out of bed, I can see her ask a woman to cook dinner. The woman says yes. Then I can see her ask the woman to do the dishes. She says, “No, not now.” Linda then beats the shit out of her. It reminds me of the night I met her, and Rena said she looked hard-core. Gee, I wonder why?

I must go read what Tina’s old apartment number is so I can send her there. She says her car will be fixed tomorrow. I’ll bet she has a truck like Andy next door does. Women like her love trucks and jeeps.

Well, anyway, I’m off to my next (paper) journal. With work now, I did not expect to finish this journal till some time in February. I most certainly hope and pray to God that during my next journal I cut my demo. I feel that I truly will. I’ll have only one thing left to achieve since I don’t want a kid or a girlfriend. That is quitting smoking as I can’t last long with cutting down. I have to either smoke or quit. I can’t cut down and stay that way.

I’ll also ask John about cheap motels as Andy’s sister and nephew are coming at the end of February. It sucks to have to leave so he can have company, even though that’s his right. At least I can afford it.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 26, 1993 Linda called earlier and I strung her along as usual. She’s just too damn desperate-sounding. At the bar, she was as well. She claims she’s still playing the field which very well could be true as that’s what most people do. But when she says, “I love you” after she leaves a message and says she’s tried calling 20 times, that makes me wonder. She’s also not that attractive in my opinion. She’s just too persistent and she does seem like she’d like to do much more than “play the field” with me. She also seems like she could be too rough with me or even violent if she can’t get her way. Maybe I am judging her cruelly, harshly and unfairly. I know I hate being judged even though I’m plenty used to it. She really could be a sweet, gentle, loving girl. But I’m gonna follow my gut and not take a chance on her. I’ll tell her she’s too persistent. It’s too hard to get involved even for one night after all this time. Time is also something I don’t have too much of. I want my space when I’m off work. My job and music are my top priorities.

I met a deaf guy who’s friends with Dave (a bartender and the one who hired me) at work whose name is Willie. John knows him, too. We signed a lot and exchanged numbers. It sure was different dancing and signing at the same time.

Later…

John’s turned out to be a really cool, honest and mature guy. He’s 100% sure I’m gonna make it musically and is already to be my bodyguard. He already is and he surely will be if we go to Chicago. And I’ll feel totally safe, too.

So what’s all this about Chicago? Well, let me write a few other things in here first.

I’m not speaking to Andy right now cuz he’s being a selfish stubborn asshole over a videotape. When he went to Vegas I followed instructions properly to change the channel on the cable box and it appears that what he wanted taped never got taped. He took a fit over that, then quickly dropped it. He tried to get a copy (Fleetwood Mac) from Mary back in MA and channel 10. He thought I did this deliberately which is BS, but anyway, I gave him money to help him out and it was over. I thought.

A few nights later we went to the cemetery and other places I mentioned and he was fine. The next day on his way to work he said he still wasn’t over it and he didn’t want to fight so he’d be in a good mood at work. He also said it was something someone said which I knew instantly was bull cuz I haven’t spoken to anyone about him. Nothing personal, only trivial, but I know he tells people all kinds of shit about me. So I left a bullshit message saying I got a call with shit revealed to me that pissed me off and that I don’t want to talk to him for a while. I also told him I wouldn’t wake him up or go in his apartment God only knows he’d fucking flip if I didn’t tell him that.

It’s pot paranoia. He also takes his misery out on others. When I’m miserable I try to hang with those that’ll boost me up, not go look for people to kick down with me. Things are going too well now for me to bother with anyone with an attitude like that.

Later…

Laurie called twice earlier. I’m sure Andy was on the line, but if he was, fine. The first time she asked if they were hiring waitresses where I work. I believe they are, I told her, cuz Diana just quit.

The second call was to tell me something oh-so-familiar. She’s struggling financially, fighting with her mom and wants to drive me to and from work for $5. I said she could drive me in, but John gets me home. However, if he’s off when I’m on, I’ll let her know. I also said I’d give her some food stamps.

She can make $5 extra Sat. by taping Variety 104.7 from 7pm-9pm for me. There’s a special on Gloria.

I’ll tell Tony about Laurie driving me in. Also, I’ll let him know when and if I need him.

I still have so, so, so much to write about, but I’m zonked. That’s good, though.

Wow! I just heard on the radio it’s to be 75° for the next two days! Ha, ha, Tammy!!

I called UPS today to clear up my address with them and her package should definitely be here today.

Later…

I spoke to Tammy today and told her UPS screwed up her package. It never came today. I called them and the girl there told me it’ll come tomorrow. It fucking better.

I also told Tammy all my good news I’ll finally write about tonight.

Later…

I had to stop to call Kara before I forgot. She may be over if Ashley shuts up and goes to sleep.

Now I’m really pissed at Andy. I need a few weeks without him as that little fuck never fails to try to come in between me and my friends. Luckily Kara isn’t Brenda. The whole time they were out last Fri. doing errands he ran his mouth about me, cutting me down. Kara tried telling him over and over to shut up about shit about either just me, or me and him. It’s up to me to tell shit about me, and shit dealing with both of us is between both of us. Every time she’d tell him to shut up, he’d continue anyway. Why doesn’t the bastard just write a book about me? He lives for talking about me like I live to be a singer. I’ve been really helpful to him since I’ve begun making money and this is how I’m treated.

He’s happy I have Kara and he’s happy I have this job, but at the same time, he’s insanely and stupidly jealous. Especially now that he’s in a bind financially and basically only has acquaintances. He doesn’t see as much of Donna, Diane, Velma or Laurie. There’s a great difference between envy and jealousy.

Later…

Kara came over after I wrote my last sentence. We had a nice talk.

Before I forget, let me mention a few things about yesterday. This new maintenance guy came over to fix my sliding door, which is still screwed up. Man oh man did he get personal. I’m pretty sure he’s all talk, I know I could beat the shit out of him, but I don’t know about other women. Basically, he told me how good I look, but was friendly. Told me that anything I said he’d never repeat, and shit that wasn’t important.

I told Stacey about it and said she didn’t have to say anything to him unless his mouth turned to actions, but to just be aware. Especially for the sake of other women, cuz I can take care of him myself. I’m not one bit worried about having to punch his lights out if need be.

I also told Stacey I am now 99% sure Robert was the one who shot the firecrackers up here.

Not only is Stacey nicer, but so are Paula and Judy, even though those two were always nice. I chatted with Paula real briefly yesterday as she was closing the model below me. I was ordering Chinese food and Paula mentioned she heard the food at Chiam’s was good. It’s the only good Chinese place out here. I brought the number and address to her at the office and she was very grateful.

MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 1993 Since I started dancing, several girls have quit or been fired. Several new ones were just hired. Brandy and Joy were fired for hooking. Brittany’s no longer there, so I guess the costume she lent me is now mine to keep. Maya’s threatening to quit and Diana just quit. We just got 5 new girls. Diamond, Pearl, Alexis, Chelsea and Dani. There are probably more whose names I can’t remember.

Diamond did my hair the other night. Better than anyone else ever has. It held up so well and the stuff she sprayed in it never made me sneeze.

Alexis and Chelsea are sisters and it seems Alexis could be bi-curious.

Dani’s so nice and we chatted tonight as it was an extremely dead night. Scott and Joe saved me, but I’ll get to who they are later.

My stomach is growling so badly, so I’m gonna continue after I go make a TV dinner.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 24, 1993 So far I’ve cut about $1,000!!!!!!! Boy does this feel weird, yet great. I’ve set aside a little stash I’m saving to send Tammy.

No wonder her package hasn’t come yet. I got a postcard from UPS to call them to correct my address. The name’s right as well as the city, street, state and zip. But it says “room 2475.”

I also got mail from mom. She sent tons of cigarette coupons which I threw out. They’re nasty brands and now I can afford to buy Carlton’s. I just now realized that. These cigarettes go fast too, cuz they’re like air.

She also sent an American Express traveler’s check for $50. Now, why would she send that? Plus, it says Bank of Boston. That’s odd. Anyhow, I’m gonna send this check right on back. I called and got their machine. I didn’t even know they had one, but I told them the best times to call me. I also told them I’d send the check back and that I’d pay for all their calls to me.

I’m getting too tired to write much more, but I slept OK pretty much yesterday. I think at 10:30 I heard a bang, but I quickly fell back to sleep. I slept for about 6 hours.

Tonight I go in at 7:00, instead of 6:00. Not only is Tony on-call if Andy’s working but so is Mary. Mary will be busy on Wednesdays, though, which is OK. I just try to find out by 5:00, so I can call a cab if I need to. They can be busy, unpredictable and undependable.

As I was sitting out on the utility box waiting for a cab by Mary’s side, Judy walked by my side and we said hi. Then Judy came around to the sidewalk even with me to continue on to the office when Mary opened her kitchen window. We said hi and Judy looked back with such a funny and confused look on her face. She couldn’t figure out if I was talking to her or to myself. Then, Mary came out and chatted with me until the cab came.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 23, 1993 Andy and I went to some dark, secluded and quiet cemetery. He’s taken me there once before. He did an interview while I was with “Shauna.” Then he got spooked because right after he smokes pot, he gets paranoid.

We then went to Fry’s where I got two packs of cigarettes, two candy bars, gumballs and these awesome stickers. They’re nothing like other stickers. They’re so small and they’re sort of padded. I put them on the sides of journals 4, 33, 36 and 39. They seem quite durable, too. I don’t really like the stars I just got cuz the tips of them keep lifting up.

After I got out of Fry’s we parked behind it. One guy came by to throw shit in the dumpster, then two guys walked along the back, then cut the corner to the front. Andy smoked more pot and he got in the car when he saw the cops coming. He reeked of the shit! He said, “Oh no. You handle this. You’re great with cops.”

The cop drove up to the front of the car and shined the lights on us, then I stepped out. All he asked is if we saw someone jump over the cement wall where we were parked near. We saw no one hop the wall.

So, the cop took off and he breathed a big sigh of relief as he still had pot in his pocket. I told him from now on to do it in his own apartment, or without me, if he’s got to do that in public. If he got in trouble, I’m not gonna go down with him if he’s caught with pot on him. He’s lucky the cop didn’t search his car. He said I was absolutely right and he won’t do that again with me around.

After that, we took off to some really classy office building. He wanted to show me this beautiful little mini pond with little waterfalls.

Then we came home and since we can’t make pranks, he called Laurie. The one who lives in Kara’s complex. She was pissed cuz he woke her up.

I like writing while he’s chatting with someone. Someone who doesn’t know I’m on the line. So, I saw Rachel’s lights on as they’re usually on late. I had him call her and I put my mute on. He mainly talked about a cute, gay male friend of hers.

After the spider incident, I decided to remove some of my stuff from my patio. I don’t want to ever reach into that tall cardboard box to pull out something and see another surprise waiting there for me. All that’s left out there are my two chairs, the white wooden table Fay gave me, the plant Jeff gave me, my broom and dustpan and my raft. I took in my photo albums. I also emptied out the two album boxes. This was also a good opportunity to junk anything I didn’t need or want. I put my tools and important papers in drawers. I threw out the two boxes, tools and papers of no use and those two furry rugs. I still have no idea if I’ll ever see the rest of my pictures, but I doubt it. I thought I could trust my own mother not to rip me off. Tammy and Dad would never do that, but that is something Mom would very definitely do. Especially if she feels I need to “grow up” and get over my celebrity picture addiction.

Well, Andy picked up my meds for me and also two old CDs of Linda’s. Simple Dreams & Mad Love.

Stacey absolutely made my day today. Can you believe I actually like her now? I do believe she realized she did step way out of line. Also, after I let her know who she was messing with, she’s been such a sweetheart to me.

Anyway, I was on my way down to get my mail when I saw the bed frame and other shit. I said to myself, oh shit, I’m fucked now and all the more I’ll never sleep. I asked a guy, “You moving in?” He said no and then I realized he had on a Vista Ventana shirt like maintenance wears. So I got the mail, then on the way back, I recognized the furniture was just like what they have here in the models. Stacey was there and I asked her if it was now a model. She said yes, but she didn’t know for how long. Obviously, long enough, or else why would they go to all the trouble of putting in furniture, wall decorations and other decorations? Hopefully, the next person in is Bob or someone I know, or they wait till after I’m gone. They’ll be in there early tomorrow, though so I’m sure they’ll wake me up.

What’s up with Bob? He hasn’t called or written. Is he on his way here? Did he lose his phone? Is he in the hospital? Dead? I hope he’s OK.

I still have much more to write about, but now I need to go listen to my music.

Later…

I sure hope I can fall asleep within an hour or so. Especially if the bitch next door or anyone setting up the model downstairs is gonna wake me up. I’m sure something or someone will. At least it’s 50/50, rather than all the time, but it still kind of sucks and isn’t fair. I’d love to find a duplex with thick walls, a pool, laundry facilities and no screaming kids. I really need to sleep solidly from 5:00 or 6:00 to 1:30 when Kara’s due to knock on my door, but ever since I complained on the bitch next door, she slams her door and bangs around. Not all the time, but much more than ever before. What does the bitch expect? It’s her fault for bringing in 15 kids.

I called the office to ask Judy if she could send someone up to put my sliding glass door on the tracks. She said they may not get to me till Monday, but that she promises to have them wait till at least 2 PM. Well, in case she fails to remember that, I’ll put a note outside for them not to bug me till after 2:00. At this point, I don’t believe Stacey, Paula or Judy would do this, but I wonder if maintenance isn’t deliberately doing this. You know how guys are. I doubt it and I’ve never had any major hassles with them, but they know I sleep late. Several times, very early they talk loud outside the window and little shit like that. Mike knows I sleep late and he’s the one who came up to do the filters. If it happens and I see a pattern, I’ll get them up in the middle of the night.

Tony, the gay guy who lives below Andy may be on reserve as far as getting me to work. Other than John, these cab drivers are totally undependable. If I do call, I’ll never request a personal. Especially Lou. Once he almost got me there late and the second time he stood me up. He also stood John up, too. The operators and dispatchers are screwed up, too. If I need a cab I’ll just call any cab and wait out by the road so they don’t drive by and get lost. Tony said he’s usually home at 5:30, so if Andy can’t take me, he said he would at 5:45. I’ll pay him $5. Andy’s working tomorrow, so he can’t take me, so I’ll ask Tony at 5:00. If he says no, I’ll call a cab at 5:00 so I have plenty of time.

As I was sitting on the utility box last Thursday, I knew Paula was coming cuz I know her footsteps. I called out, “I knew it was you.” She asked if I was going to work. I told her how screwed up the cabs were and she agreed. She knows where Sha Na Na’s is and said at least it isn’t far. That’s true. It’s only 10 minutes away.

It was nice to see so many women in there the last night I worked. There were about 8 of them. I noticed this very pretty and feminine woman sitting at the bar. I also noticed she was eyeing me quite a bit. So I approached her and told her I was about to do something bold and brave that I’d never done before. I asked if she was bi or gay. She asked if I was hitting on her. I said if the feeling were mutual. She said she was but wasn’t about to discuss it with her brother sitting right there. She told me she was a dancer there 3 years ago and that her name was Denise. I gave her my number, but she won’t call. The pretty ones never do. She also had been drinking, so she could’ve forgotten who the hell I am.

Later on, after she left, 3 guys came in who I’d seen before. They’re friends with one of the waitresses. A girl was with them and right away I could tell she was gay. She’s so-so, but maybe she would look better out of a smoky dim bar. She was a little chunky with straight long black hair cut short in front and on the sides. This is a typical butch haircut, but at least the long part was way more than a few strands. She looks mean and hard-core, but she’s much friendlier when you talk to her. Her voice is also higher, sweeter and friendlier than you’d expect it’d sound. She has dark eyes and I figured she was either Indian or Mexican. Well, she’s Mexican and originally from New Mexico, speaks fluent Spanish, is 22 years old and goes to auto mechanic school. A job that seems very fitting for her. Completely suits her. She even shocked me by telling me she has her own place and a car.

At one point we went into the bathroom together where we talked. She had to go pee, but on my way out she kissed me. She also did that in the dancing area (quicker ones) and I gave her 3 table dances and she totally drooled all over me all night. All the other girls say they’ve also given women table dances.

After she left, Jim (the bouncer) commented on how she really likes me. He also said he had several gay friends, male and female. I told him what I go for and that he could get my number from the bar to give to anyone who may be interested. I gave Linda my number figuring that she’d call cuz there is no real lust or spark. However, she may be an acceptable settlement. It’s too soon to tell after only seeing her for an hour in a dim smoky bar. I just hope she’s not rough and doesn’t want anything serious. It’s been a year now, so it’s so hard starting up anything again after all that time.

Anyway, I’d describe her as a butch with a touch of femininity. Or a feminine butch.

Time for bed. God, I hope I don’t get woken up!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 22, 1993 Not much happened yesterday. I cut $90 at work last night and $105 tonight.

A horrifying nightmare awaited me when I got home tonight. I ran to shut my kitchen window when I jumped away realizing I almost touched a huge spider! I’ve never seen anything like it. Only in pictures and on TV. I Windexed it and thank fucking God it ran towards the inside of the window. I shut it between the glass and the screen. I was still pretty freaked out. I never had such bad willies. There was no way I could sleep knowing the thing was in there and there was no way in hell I was gonna open the window and deal with it myself. I got Mike up here and he sprayed the holy hell out of the window and my sliding door. It had gone back outside the sides of the screen.

I have no idea if it was poisonous. Was it a black widow? A type of tarantula? A brown recluse? It was easily 4-5 inches in diameter. I’m afraid to ever open the windows again. Especially that one. I’ll have massive creeps.

I wonder if Tammy’s package will come tomorrow.

I really need to sleep long enough hours, though. If Andy’s up and ready to leave at noon and I’m not, I hope he still gets my prescriptions and tries looking for some CDs of Linda’s. I gave him a list and $55.

Kara left a message saying she picked up journals at the mall. I gave her $25 as she’s always at the mall.

Last night I fell asleep at 4:30 and I knew they were coming to change the filters. The other day I called Judy and told her to have them come after noon since I sleep late. She said that’d be no problem, but sure enough, at 10:30, guess who showed up? Luckily I napped from 2:00-4:00 this afternoon. I wish to fall asleep soon and get up at 1:00.

I got a gorgeous necklace and anklet from these sisters who sell jewelry once a week where I work.

I’ll write much more tomorrow, but I’m out of it now.

Later…

Hunter is on now and I’ll write while it’s on. When it’s over Andy and I are gonna go to the mountain.

Well, last night was chapter one of the spider story. Tonight I hope and pray is the final chapter. I saw it again, moving really slowly at the base of the kitchen window, between the screen and glass. I called Kara and she so bravely walked up, opened the window, crushed it with a paper towel and flushed it down the toilet. Thank God for her as I couldn’t stand knowing the thing was in there. Especially if it were to nest, and Kara said it looked pregnant.

Kara picked up 3 new journals today that are very nice. Now I have a total of 40.

Last night one of the waitresses, Diana, had on a nice belt. I told her to let me know when she gets sick of it. She said for me to let her know when I get sick of my cigarette case. I just gave it to her as I have others.

So, we got to talking and it turns out she’s an artist and went to college for it. She seems like she may be very good as she offered to get together with me and help me. She doesn’t have a phone, but she can get to one, so I gave her my number. She doesn’t have a car, but she says she will next week. She wrote down her schedule for me, too.

I’ve got to take my meds, then put on something warmer to go out. I’ll write later or tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20, 1993 Today’s Lisa’s birthday. She is now 10. I sent her a card and $10. I cannot believe she has not written since last August, but it’s true.

Before I listen to music and try falling asleep, I’ll just do a quick update.

I never liked the doctor that Access assigned me to. I have to call them and see if I can see anyone else (a woman?). Antibiotics can cause yeast infections as they did with me. I got sick of being congested, and the itching, discharging and being bloated from the yeast infection, so at 4 AM yesterday I called John. I figured the ER would be dead at that hour and it pretty much was. I went in as an urgent case, but not an emergency. If it were an all-out deadly life-threatening attack, I’d have called an ambulance as I wouldn’t have had the 20 minutes for John to take me. St. Joe’s is 20 minutes away. I was afraid to put it off any longer knowing it could easily escalate to an emergency and a bad attack where I’d have to call the ambulance. I was fortunate enough to have a woman doctor that night. She was kind and gentle and I was given two breathing treatments as well as an antibiotic, two creams for downstairs and a refill on my Theodur.

John, who also has asthma was very understanding. He waited the two hours I was there, then drove me home. Tomorrow after work, John’s gonna stop with me so I can fill these prescriptions at a 24-hour drugstore.

I wrote two letters to Kim and I have one to mail out to Fran. I spoke briefly with Tammy and Lisa earlier. They’re doing OK. I’m gonna be helping Tammy financially.

Tomorrow I must polish my nails and perhaps Tammy’s package will arrive. I sure do hope so. I’m curious as to what she sent me.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 19, 1993 Now I am gonna finish my updating once and for all. I spoke to Tammy on the night of the 6th right before I went to go audition. She’s been very supportive and knows she can trust my judgment. She knows I would not get into a bad situation. One can do this job and still value and respect themselves. I believe sexuality’s a fact of life and I’d rather see a guy go here to get his jollies off, rather than go rape a woman or go to a hooker and continue spreading AIDS. Hookers I have no respect for. I feel sorry for them. Just one year ago or less I sure never thought I’d be doing this. Especially years ago when I did hate myself and was ashamed of my body. I’m never nervous or self-conscious, but I am aware that I still do have some never-ending flaws. Tammy also knows I can’t settle for anything and that I need to save up for a demo. In the meantime, this sure beats housekeeping, babysitting or someplace like McDonald’s.

Since I’ve begun work, I’ve made about $650. I’ve put out money to get started on G-strings, stockings and other outfits. Brandy’s gonna be selling me a dress she doesn’t want. There’s other shit to pay, too. A $10 bar tip, $3 tax, a buck to each of the 2-3 bouncers, food and cab fare.

I’d like to get new 5” heels which I hope to hell I can learn to walk in or get my 2” heels fixed. Maybe I’ll get a belly belt. A lady who sells and makes exotic costumes is to be bringing in a $10 black wrap that’s so cool. So far I’ve gotten two black G-strings. I also have a flowered 1-piece outfit that glows so well on stage cuz of the lighting. Then I have another blue 1-piece with silver studs on it. I also have a gorgeous skin-tight red dress a dancer sold me. It’s plain red with a tank top kind of top. It’s cut way low in back. I also have a maroon silk bra with black lace.

I borrowed a G-string and top. This was lent to me on my first night, but I have not seen this girl yet to return this to her. It’s nothing spectacular either.

We can take everything off, except the G-string. It’s illegal here to strip all the way. This is why my proper title isn’t a stripper. I can be called an exotic dancer, topless dancer, or a go-go-girl, but I prefer exotic dancer.

Later…

I just called the radio station to request For You by the Outfields. I hope they play it cuz I want to record it till I buy the single. There’s another one too, I’m listening for, but I don’t know its title or artist.

I told Tammy last August that I sensed that January would be their best month financially and I was right in two ways. One is that they got their $55,000 settlement from their car accident in 1989. They’re gonna add onto their house. Also, I’ll be helping them out when I can.

The package Tammy sent out was returned cuz the box fell apart. She re-sent it so I should get it any day now.

She asked if she could tell Mom and Dad what I’m doing. I said OK. After she told them she said they think it’s disgusting but they respect my opinion and want me to respect theirs. Fine.

I sent Tammy a letter and helped her with the “asshole” drawing (she tried to draw a picture of an ass, so I drew one for her).

I also told her about a hilarious little trick I played on these people in FL who sent a letter to a Dan H that ended up in my mailbox. They mentioned someone named Claudia, having to have hemorrhoid surgery, etc.

I wrote back (as Dan) and informed them that me and my boyfriend were fucking happily, Claudia can claw her pussy, sorry about your ass surgery, have Bill screw it, and all kinds of mumbo-jumbo.

I’ll have to call FL information to see if I can call them and ask if they’ve heard from Dan. Until I get my blocks lifted, I can call long-distance from Andy’s phone and easily pay him.

This feels so weird, yet great. I look at a $30 dress and out of habit, I think I can’t afford it. Then I realize I can! I can turn my heat up, leave lights on and buy all the food I want, and have food delivered. When my lease is up I want to check out a 2-bedroom. Buy more furniture for the extra room. Maybe get a bigger, more powerful microwave. Blow a few hundred in the mall here and there.

I gave $55 to Andy to pick up some old CDs of Linda’s, but he never got the chance. Maybe when he comes home we can do this together. I also want to go clothes shopping at the Merry-Go-Round.

Earlier I gave Kara $25 to get 3 journals as she’s going to the mall tomorrow really early before I wake up. She’s got a great memory, so she’ll never buy one I already have.

She so quickly and easily put in my new paper towel holder I got at Fry’s.

John and she may be dating and they each have daughters and other things in common. She and Ashley came over here and I paged him and he came over. He brought us to Fry’s and was gonna wait in his cab, but after 10 minutes, he came in and joined us. So far, he’s really cool and we had a cool and funny time. Kara and I were cracking up as we were spraying different room deodorizers all over. Due to my allergies, I must get a mild scent and I was spraying them in different directions so I wouldn’t mix them. I commented on how one was really nice and she asked where and was sniffing all over just as this woman came through the aisle. She gave us a very strange look.

I bought her a beer glass, then I realized I could afford to buy a broom and not have to borrow Andy’s anymore. I also got a huge laundry basket as I’m sick of the laundry bag. I got a dustpan that snaps right onto the broom handle. I also got hot oil treatments for my hair, sinus meds, envelopes with roses on them and Band-Aids for any blisters I get from dancing. And food, of course.

I also got these silver, gold, blue, green and red foil star stickers to decorate journals and letters with.

The radio played the song I requested, and I recorded it. They must have caller ID which shows people’s names and numbers cuz the DJ said, “Jodi in Phoenix, thanks for tuning in with us.”

So, after I almost rammed John with the broom handle in the balls accidentally, he got to see the place, then he took Kara home. I gave him $5 even though he never ran his meter.

In the store, we were checking out CDs and tapes. John asked if we’d believe Rod Stewart was his cousin. Well, I don’t see why he’d lie about that, and the eyes were very similar.

Andy, Kara and I went to K-Mart on the 5th. Andy got a $14 Rayon shirt. I got 2 pairs of bright shiny gold and black underwear with thin straps on the sides. Plus, a flowered matching set of cotton panties with a half-shirt. Then I got 8 different colored pens which I’ve been writing with. Blue, green, maroon, purple, pink, orange, aqua and red. Plus I got a pad of unlined paper with colors of deep purple, red, yellow and turquoise.

Right after I was hired at Sha Na Na’s, I ran into Tara in the laundry room. She was so psyched for me. I was also laughing at the fact that she had the same pair of gold and black panties I just bought.

I called Tonya to thank her so much for the idea of dancing. I never would’ve thought of it and now I know why we were meant to meet.

MONDAY, JANUARY 18, 1993 Kara is here right now. I still have lots of updating to do (naturally). We are now listening to a recent tape of Nervous, Fran and I.

I just showed Kara this amazing, shocking and ironic fortune I got out of a fortune cookie. I ordered Chinese food a few nights ago and one of the fortune cookies said: You will never need to worry about a steady income. What a trip, huh?

Kara has spoken with Nervous and Fran. Nervous sent back my pictures. Nervous and I have had some good talks, but Fran’s been trying hopelessly to call me. Of course, every time he calls, I’m not home or asleep. I haven’t heard from Bob since the very beginning of January. I wonder where he is. Did he lose his phone? Is he on his way here?

Earlier, Andy left for Vegas. He’ll be back Wednesday night. Originally, his sister and nephew were coming out from the 23rd to the 26th, but now they’ll be here at the end of Feb. I was gonna stay in a cheap motel so Andy could sleep in my bed and I wouldn’t have to get up when his nephew decides to go berserk. I’ll look into one for Feb.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 17, 1993 Just got off work an hour ago and I’m beat. My feet are always sore by 11:00.

At first, I panicked, wondering if I’d get in on time. Lou got lost, but he finally got here and got me there just in time.

I made between $90-$100. I can’t tell exactly cuz I mixed other money with tonight’s money.

Last night I gave Andy $55 to get some CDs of Linda’s. Soon I’m gonna order this instrumental CD through the mail.

I finally got that Bedazzeler kit in the mail and I had a blast with it for 4 hours. I did my suede fringed coat, my black leather shoes, shirts, skirts and shorts.

Mom sent 2 packages. She sent a denim skirt and jacket. I really like the jacket. She also sent a flannel shirt I don’t care for. She sent another troll doll key chain, a ceramic elephant, another toy piano, and a puzzle. I gave the puzzle and piano to Ashley. She sent 2 bags of lemon-honey cough drops (yuck). I gave one to Kara and one to Andy. I also gave Andy these 2’ long green plastic palm trees. You blow them up like a raft and they have suction cups on them so you can stick them in your window. I gave them to Andy cuz they kept falling down.

Mom also sent hangers and 3 pairs of shoes. One was white sneakers with little diamonds. They were too small, and they looked too much like a nurse’s shoes. The second pair was kind of geeky, yet kind of OK. They were denim. The third pair I gave to Velma to give away to some girl. I don’t do moccasins and that’s what they were.

I still have so much catching up to do with my journal writing (among other shit), but forget it. I’m beat. I must continue tomorrow.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 15, 1993 The longer I put off everything, the harder it’ll be to catch up, so I’d better get on with it. Andy, Kara and I went to Sha Na Na’s which is only 10 minutes away on the night of the 6th of January Kara and I both filled out applications. She wasn’t granted an audition, but I was lucky and got one. They have 3 round stages and I did a song on 2 of them (2 songs) and miraculously I wasn’t one bit nervous. I got $18 just to do 2 songs. Some tips were even from the other dancers!

Before going on stage, Dave (a close friend of the owner who hired me), took me back into the dressing room. The dancers were so supportive and helpful and still are. They broke me in on some of the rules. You can move your hand by your privates but not touch them. You can’t do anything that simulates a sexual act. The law is you must put latex on your nipples. It itches at first, but it peels off easily.

So far, all the dancers, bartenders, bouncers and the DJ are cool. I basically keep to myself somewhat, but most of these girls are bi. I was shocked at how many are bi and some know I’m gay and my future goal is to save up enough money to cut a demo. This is all they know, but they don’t know my background. Dancers are very liberal and open-minded. I figured there’d be bisexual women there. None just gay as Dave would never hire an ugly butch.

It doesn’t have this competitive feeling there. It does feel like a tight group and everyone helps each other.

Of course, the guys can tip as much as they want, but they can’t give you change. They don’t have to give us anything for a stage dance, but it’s $5 for a table dance. A table dance is one-to-one wherever the guy’s sitting. On stage, you’re dancing for everyone. You put your money in your G-string or stockings.

My permanent schedule is Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday, and Thursday from 6 PM-1 AM. We are to be there at 6:00 as the day shift finishes up, then we begin at 6:30. I’ve worked 5 days so far. My first 3 days I got $65. On the fourth day, I got $126 and the last $84!

My first 3 days, Kara came up and rode back with me in a cab. Once I felt secure, I was on my own. I’ve even got two regular drivers. I feel very safe during and after work. The bouncers will throw out anyone who tries to touch us.

Later…

One of my regular drivers on the way home is John. He once worked there as a bouncer and he may be going back. Or be a cop, corrections officer or personal bodyguard. He’s flat-rated me $5 and given me his cab & ID number. Also, he gave me the cab number & ID number of the guy who he leases the cab from named Lou who drives in the daytime. Andy will usually drive me in. If not, I can try Rick (Kara’s dad) or call Lou. I’ve never met Lou, but John told him I may or may not need him tomorrow. I never need to call John when I’m done. He’s there automatically at 1:00 and he watches me till I get in here.

At the end of the night, my feet hurt, but I’m getting used to it. After my first night, my legs were killing me, but now they’re fine.

They now have a shoe repair service at the office and I’ll either have my black 2” heels fixed there or buy new 5” heels. The bottom of one of my heels broke off. It only costs $5, but it can’t be done until February 4th.

I’ve told Stacey, Paula and Judy about my new job and they were all so psyched for me. Even Stacey. I am totally psyched! It feels great to finally have a job I love and to be making great money. My future goal is to save up enough money to cut a demo as I said. The only alternative to sleeping my way there is to buy my way in.

The DJ’s name is Andy and he looks like a dark-haired, longer-haired, thicker-haired version of Jai. He also wears the same John Lennon glasses. He’s a bass player and he looks like one, too.

The bartenders on my shift are Larry and Greg.

There are 3 bouncers, but I can only remember Dave’s name. Usually 2 work, but on weekends all 3 work.

Some of the dancers’ names on my shift are Stormy, Brandy, Shelby, Ruby, Christine, Joy, Maya, Jenna, Corey, Keri, Rena, Crystal, and that’s all I can remember right now even though there are more.

There were these two girls Sarah and Jodi that got fired. Jodi was bi and hot. There’s Nadia too, and she’s hot.

Some girls use their real names and some have stage names. Mine’s Mystery.

Maya, another dancer is bi, and with makeup on and nice clothes, she’s OK. She said she has a boyfriend, but they like to stray. I told her I like that idea so no one puts strings on me. She took my number but told me she was not looking to stray right now. This is typical, but then I realized this is for the better cuz we work together.

The night I began working, Kara said she felt lust in two weeks, but I don’t. My top priority is the job now.

I may have forgotten to mention this, but I wrote personal ads to two bars, figuring I’d send them to the apartment below me which is still vacant. I sent it under the name Ashley so that if anyone called asking for that name, I’d know it was from the bar. Then, this feeling came on that it’d get lost in the mail or whatever, but mainly that I’d get no calls. I’ve gotten no calls, but with this job, I barely have time to have any good laughs. I do have enough free time, though, still.

After dancing all night, it’s easier to fall asleep. This job does knock you on your ass when your shift is over.

First shift goes from noon - 6:30 PM.

Andy will be calling around midnight to come over and play cards.

I was just watching Charlie’s Angels. I’ve dreamed of them bringing that show back and they did on a cable channel. So, Andy, who has cable, tapes it the 5 days a week it’s on.

There are a few women who sell exotic costumes down at the club like, lingerie, stockings, garters and G-strings. They bring their stuff into the dressing room. They’ve got awesome stuff at awesome prices. At a place like Frederick’s of Hollywood, this stuff would cost double, if not triple.

I’ll write more later cuz I think Andy’s about to call.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 7, 1993 I cannot believe all that’s happened to me. I have so much to tell. I am like oh my God, oh my God! I am still in such shock, but it feels so good. Yesterday evening I auditioned at Sha Na Na’s and got hired as an exotic dancer! I’m working Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday. I believe these will be my regular working days.

I have so much to write about that and many other things, but soon I must get ready for work.

Got a package from my parents with hangers, a denim skirt, a denim jacket, a flannel shirt, and a troll key chain.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 1, 1993 Well, another year has gone by and now begun. Another year I have improved, and my life has improved in so many different ways, but at the same time, I’m still nowhere and nobody.

So I’ve written during, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992 and 1993. Seven different years, even though I’ve only written for 5 years and 2 months and 5 days. On Jan. 8th, it’ll be 2000 days.

Been out on my own for 7 years and 1 month on January 3rd.

Well, I have to get Lisa a B-Day card. She’ll be 10 on the 20th. I’ll send her $10, too.

I’m sure that in 1993, I won’t have sex. Well, maybe, and I mean just maybe, I’ll have sex, but never will I ever have lust. Never will experience lust like with Ann Marie, let alone the ultimate lust.

I called Susie who told me to call her at Dennis’s at a certain time. I did, but she says she’ll contact me when she’s sorted through everything. She asked me if I want the matching chair that Andy didn’t take. I have no room for it so I called and asked Alana if she wanted it. She said yes and Kara came and got it. I gave her money for cigarettes for both of us.

My checks must’ve come in later yesterday. Kara’s going to be getting hers soon.

We crimped each other’s hair.

Sometimes I wonder if I should beg and plead for God to send me some lust, but I know it’ll do no good as we made a deal with Ann Marie. And I got two nights with her, not only one. It’s also so much easier for me not to bother. After being alone so damn long, it’s way too hard and awkward changing. Maybe in another 5-10 years, I could get another Ann Marie, but that’d mean I’d have to go to the bars, put personal ads in and get my head played with till I got lucky in 5-10 years. It’s no longer worth all that. I believe I’m meant to be celibate for a long time, then maybe have “sex.” I know God’s keeping the deal, cuz if lust was in the cards he’d send it to me somehow knowing I’ll never step foot in a bar again. There’s a reason why I’m feminine and am attracted to feminine women and that’s cuz I’m meant to be celibate and independent. Someday down the road, though, I’d like to (within reason) return to settling. I want to learn how to do that like most people can cuz that’s life and reality.

Later…

Earlier I typed up a letter to Kim. I haven’t heard from her in a while, so I hope she writes soon. Next, I’ll write letters to Bob, my parents, my nieces and Tammy. I wonder if my parents and Tammy tried calling yesterday, but hung up before the machine came on.

I hope Dennis writes to me, but I doubt it. He said he doesn’t like to write. He took off yesterday for Williams, but he’s not too sure yet what he’s gonna do. He may go live with an aunt in Washington D.C. Maybe work helping to rebuild after Hurricane Andrew in Florida. Or work with some guy he knows on a ranch in Venezuela. I gave him an address label and told him to get in touch with me when he knows what he’s gonna do.

Andy and Kara left me messages wishing me a happy new year. Kara said to call her in the morning.

Since we could never program channel 3 into my VCR, I taped Hard Rock Cafe in New York. It was nothing spectacular, but I really wanted to tape Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. They showed a little bit of Times Square and it was snowing pretty hard. Through the fireworks, I could see the snow. I also could tell it was bitter freezing cold cuz I could see people’s breath in the air very well.

I guess I really haven’t made any new year’s resolutions any more than I made any birthday wishes. My last remaining wishes just cannot come true. I just wish I wanted some other career as badly as I wanted to be a singer. I also wish I could quit smoking and be madly attracted to butches. All this sure would make my life near perfect. I guess God’s got to leave each of us with a few things we can never have or ever do.

I sang softly earlier and later on I’ll belt it out. Then Andi can listen to me for a change.

I put up two Gloria posters, but soon I’ll be trashing them along with 95% of my collection. My mom has already trashed about 60% of my collection. Once I get my other guitar and see that my pictures aren’t in the case, I’ll be sure to trash all but a few I’ve got here. I just don’t want half of my collection. I want all of it or none of it.

Today I may also color my posters and edit tapes.

[victory-cookies]

I had the worst, most murphy’s law, comedy of errors day today it was actually ridiculous. So last night I was feeling good. I was feeling motivated. I had put all of my laundry away immediately after getting it out of the dryer. Today was gonna be my day to turn my life around bc I felt motivated to clean to do homework to run my errands I was ready

and then I sleep through my fucking alarm.

okay, whatever, it’s fine. I had to go out to get shit for my Fionna costume so I decided to head out once I’d had breakfast. It wouldn’t take me much longer than an hour and I could come home and get right to my tasks.

so I’m at the fabric store, with a meter of fleece and some velcro, and I go to pay. And my debit card doesn’t fucking work no matter what I try. So I ask the woman if she could hold my stuff while I run to the atm to get cash. But the atm declines me too. I try to log onto my online banking and that doesn’t work either. At this point I assume I’ve been locked out of my card so I head back to the store, apologize, and tell her I need to drive to the bank about ten minutes away to try to get my card fixed. She says that that’s no problem and she’ll hold my stuff until the end of the day (they close at 5. It is currently 1:30)

so I head to the bank. The line is absurdly long but finally I get up to a clerk and am like “hey I think I’ve been locked out of my card please help” and so he checks and yeah I have, bc the two scholarship cheques I deposited yesterday had been flagged as “unusual and suspicious activity” and he says he’ll call and see if he can get it unlocked for me. We’re on hold for like fifteen minutes. At this point my sister has asked me to come pick her up from her friend’s. Finally this guy gets through and they’re like “lol we can’t do it unless she has the cheques there and you can verify” and obv I didn’t have them so he was like “well either you can go get the cheques and bring them in or you can wait until tomorrow when the photos will show up in the system and then your card will be unlocked”. I don’t want to do either of those things bc going home and coming back then going back to the fabric store would take another like two hours. So I say fuck it and go to pick up my sister with the intent of dragging her back to the fabric store and getting her to use her card.

at that moment it starts fucking bucketing. I start driving to her friend’s house and the road is nearly flooded I was so worried. And then as I’m heading out I end up directed onto the highway (highway driving makes me really anxious so I try to avoid it so I’m panicking). At this point the rain is coming down in sheets and I can’t see anything. Im about to cry. I exit the highway and then get directed onto another highway. The traffic is so bad that I can’t make it to the left turn lane and I miss my turn. I only barely make it to the next left turn and thank god I did bc if i didn’t I’d be on my way to the next town.

I get to my sister’s friend’s place and my sister gets in the car and I ask if we can go back to the fabric store and have her buy the poor fabric I have left cut and alone just sitting there (I felt bad. They had cut it for me already I needed to get it). She says no problem and so we head once more to the fabric store.

we pull up and the lights are off. It’s 3pm. They should not be closed. Confused, we get out and go to check, and they are in fact closed. A woman comes up to us and explains that THE FUCKING POWER WENT OUT IN THE ENTIRE MALL. They were closed for the day, along with every other store there, including the spirit halloween that I needed to go to as well and the a&w my sister wanted to grab food at

so we drive away. I have literally gained nothing from this. I have bought none of the things I needed to get. I have wasted so much gas. It is now 3:30 and I have done zero of the things I wanted to get done today. I was literally crying

[all-my-love-for-harry]

Bring your kid to work Day.

summary: Artemis doesn’t know what Harry does for a living so he takes him to the studio for the day. 

word count: 1.6k

a/n: I deleted the ask by mistake but this was resquested! I missed writing for these two! Blurbs with baby girl Morgana are coming, don't worry! (requests are open)

You can find the rest of my masterlist here

you can find more of my shy little boy here

Artemis didn't understand what Harry did for a living yet.

Being a musician didn't count as a profession in his mind. Hell, he couldn't even pronounce the word right. That, of course, always made Harry laugh because in the eyes of the little boy he was jobless.

Artemis met Harry when he was on a break. So aside from short trips to LA and a few occasional meetings, he was pretty much free all the time. He was quick to catch up with the differences between Harry's schedule and his mommy's and came up with the conclusion that the man didn't have a job.

Just like every Friday night, Harry arrived at Y/n's house with takeout from Artemis' favorite restaurant so they could have dinner together. Usually, Y/n preferred to cook, but it was the end of the semester and she had tons of essays to go through and her work pile only seemed to get taller so they decided to just order takeout.

He let himself in with the key he had and went straight to the living room, hoping to see his two loves chilling there.

"Harry!" A mop of curls came running towards him, wrapping his little arms around Harry's legs.

"Oof, almost took m'down, monkey." He said, running a hand through the little boy's soft hair. "Where's ye mummy?"

"Bathroom. Pick me up, Harry."

He chuckled but of course, obliged to his baby's request and picked him up with his free arm. The boy immediately wrapped his arms around Harry's neck pressing a kiss on his cheek. Harry's heart melted on the spot before returning the kiss, letting out a dramatic "mwah" to make him giggle.

"I thought I heard your voice." Harry heard his girlfriend and turned around to see her. "Hi, H."

"Hello, m'heart." He said sweetly before giving Y/n a short kiss on her lips. "Where do I put the food?"

"Let's go to the living room, Artemis has already picked up the movie."

Harry and Y/n took a seat on the couch while Artemis chose to sit on the floor by their feet, too focused on the movie that his eyes wouldn't leave the screen as he opened his mouth so his mom could feed him.

"How was work today?" Harry whispered, turning his attention to his girlfriend.

"Tiring. I don't think I can grade another paper." She sighed, dropping her head on his shoulder. "And tomorrow I have to do laundry and you know how long that takes when Artemis insists on helping." She chuckled softly.

"Why don't I take him out tomorrow? That way you can focus on your work, and don't worry about the laundry, the monkey and I will do it when we come back."

"Are you serious?" Y/n lifted her head from his shoulder to properly look at him, looking for any sight that would tell her he was joking. But of course, he wasn't. His eyes were filled with nothing but love and admiration.

"Absolutely. Anything to make you feel less stressed, baby. I might have to take him to the studio for a little bit though, Tyler called and said there was a problem with some vocals we recorded yesterday." He said.

"Are you sure he won't bother you? You need to work too." "Please, I've been wanting to take him for a while to show him I'm not jobless." He joked.

-

Just like he promised, he woke up bright and early and got Artemis ready for the day. Making breakfast and leaving a plate on the microwave for Y/n when she woke up.

"Where are we going?" Artemis asked as Harry scooped him from the floor to place him on his car seat. "And why is not mummy with us?"

"Your mummy has a lot of work to do, sweetheart. But hey, don't you want to spend the day with me?!" He said over excitedly, making the little boy giggle.

"To the park?" He said, big doe eyes looking straight at Harry. He made the most adorable face Harry couldn't help but chuckle. "We go to the park, Harry!"

"I can take you later, monkey. Right now I wanna show you where I work, do you want to go with me?"

"You work?" Artemis asked, tilting his head to the side in pure confusion.

"I sing songs, Arty. Remember?" The little boy nodded. "Wanna go see me do it?"

"Yes!"

After buckling him up in his car seat, Harry got inside of the car and drove off to the studio they've rented to record the album. Artemis asked for some music so they blasted old One Direction songs as he requested. Harry absolutely adored every second of it and it was the biggest ego boost whenever he'd ask to play his old band's songs or his newest stuff. Although said ego was also permanently bruised whenever he remembered he wasn't Artemis' favorite 1D member.

"Alright, buddy. There'll be some friends inside too. They're nice, okay? Do you remember my friend Mitch?"

"The one with the big cat?"

Harry chuckled and nodded before unbuckling him from the car seat, helping him off the car. 

They walked the short distance from the parking lot to the building, Harry keeping his grip on Artemis' hand firm but gentle. Mitch and Tyler were already inside, waiting for him to arrive.

"What are we doing here, Harry?"

"Here is where I work, monkey. Here I write and record the songs I sing."

When they entered the room, Mitch was sitting on the couch with his guitar while Tyler was on a swivel chair close to the booth they used to record.

"Well if it isn't Mr. Styles who has finally graced us with his presence!" Tyler exclaimed.

Harry rolled his eyes playfully. "One time, Tyler, I've only been late one time."

"And who do we have here?" Tyler asked with a softer tone, noticing the small boy hiding behind Harry's legs.

"This is Artemis." Harry said. "Monkey, this is Tyler. And you already know Mitch over there." He pointed to the other man, who put his guitar down and smiled at the boy.

"Hi, I'm Artemis" Artemis mumbled,  about to put his thumb in his mouth only to be stopped by Harry who grabbed his hand instead.

Harry encouraged him to take a seat next to Mitch while he went inside of the booth to record.

"We're missing the background vocals for Sunflower. Let's start with the chorus then go from there."

Harry nodded and before he slide into the booth, he turned to Artemis. "Doing good, bud?" Artemis gave him a thumbs up before making himself comfortable next to Mitch. "Can you keep him company for a little bit?"

"Of course, go on. I'm gonna show him a couple of moves, right bud?"

"Yeah, I stay with Mitchy!" He said more confidently.

Harry smiled before leaving them alone. He waited for Tyler to give him the green light and started singing.

He sang the chorus a couple of times before they were satisfied with the vocals, moving on to the outro of the song.

He lifted his head for a moment, a smile appearing on his face when he saw Mitch holding Artemis in his arms as they listened to Harry.  

Harry was having fun, his heart full as he was singing one of the songs he has written for the love of his life, knowing her son, his little monkey was listening to him on the other side of the room. Wanting to make Artemis laugh, Harry started doing weird noises without thinking.

"Sunflower, sunflower. Ayy, woo, ow." Harry's smile grew as he heard Artemis' little giggles. "Woo-woo, woo, woo-woo, woo"

Artemis laughed louder, clapping a little as he copied Harry's sounds, now making Mitch chuckle.

"Ooh-woo, ooh-ooh. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo." Harry curled his index finger on his mouth, making a "pop" noise.

"Do it again!" He heard Artemis exclaim, making the three men laugh. "Again, Harry!"

"You heard the little man, Styles. Do it again!" Tyler said, opening the mic to talk.

"We got a bossy public in our hands, uh" Harry teased. "Alright, I'll do it again."

Artemis was bouncing on Mitch's arms, giggling every time Harry would make a different noise, asking him to keep doing them. At this point Harry was doing whatever Artemis asked him to do, the little boy making a few sounds himself. Harry loved seeing him like this, being playful and less shy around people.

At some point, Tyler put Artemis on his lap and let him mess around a little bit too. Teasing about how he'll be the new producer of Harry's album.

They spent two hours in the studio before Tyler let them go, knowing they couldn't entertain a four-year-old for much longer as he had young children on his own.

"Did you have fun, monkey?" Harry asked as they exited the building.

"I did! I like your friends, Harry."

"They liked you too, buddy." He assured him, opening the backseat door for him. "So, do you still think I'm jobless?"

"No-uh." He said, kicking his little feet back and forth as he waited for Harry to start the car.

"And what do I do for work?"

"You do funny noises in the studio!" He exclaimed excitedly, clapping his hands.

Harry mentally facepalmed, shaking his head while letting out a breathy laugh. Of course he'd say that.

"That's right, monkey."

"I wanna be like you when I grow up, Harry!" At Artemis' words, Harry's heart melted on the spot. "Can I be like you, Harry?"

"Wanna steal my job, mate?" Harry teased, making Artemis giggle. "I'm honored, monkey."

"Can we come back again?"

"Of course! I can bring you with me whenever you desire, baby. You just have to ask."

Later that day, Harry received a couple of voice messages from Mitch, and when he opened them, his heart fluttered. Mitch had managed to record Artemis' giggles and little noises he was making at the studio.

Harry was definitely bringing him back soon.

[miscelunaaa]

spin cycle 7 | jjk

pairing: jungkook x female reader

genre: drabble series, slow burn, idiots to lovers, fluff, lil bit of angst, eventual smut

summary: This random guy has started doing laundry at your favorite laundromat each week (at the same time as you, no less!) and to be honest, it’s going to be a problem. You’re just not sure how yet.

rating: 18+ for eventual smut

word count: 500 exactlyyyyy

warnings: Jungkook being a simp for sweater paws. Both reader and Jungkook being socially awkward. A teeny Namjoon.

notes: Special thanks to @thatlongspringnight and @illneverrecover for helping me out with some language at the beginning, I really appreciate it! Also, a reminder that the tag list is open for this series! Message me or send an ask if you want to be added. Enjoy!

note 2: I know I said that I post, generally, on Mondays, but I’m getting my fourth covid vaccine dose tomorrow (it’s my booster! I’m immunosuppressed) and will likely be in bed chugging water and cuddling husbeard’s pillow for most of the day. So, with that in mind, have a drabble! Happy Sunday and see you soon :)

series masterlist | read on ao3

previous | next

Jungkook isn’t expecting you to look that cute in his sweatshirt. At all.

He’s not sure what came over him. He’s going to get cold without it, but, then again, he’s got two identical black hoodies (oversized, as he prefers) in the wash right now. He’s happy to lend it, he decides, because you look so fucking cute. It fits you perfectly, though the sleeves are a bit long. It gives you sweater paws. He’s never going to complain about a girl having sweater paws while wearing his hoodie.

“I’m Jungkook, by the way,” he says awkwardly.

“I’m Y/N,” you reply quietly. Your voice is soft, but not weak. Strong, but not louder than necessary.

“Sooo—” Jungkook feels his social anxiety creeping up his spine, “—Two AM laundry, right?” Nice, Kook, real smooth.

“Yeah, never thought someone else would do laundry at the same time as me. Ever.”

Are you annoyed? You sound annoyed. Jungkook’s brain is running about as fast as it can to find a subject to switch to.

“Yeah, I just moved at the beginning of the school year because my roommate started teaching at the university so new place, new laundromat, I guess.”

“Seems like an awfully novel time for laundry,” you press. You seem less annoyed, maybe? Maybe its just wishful thinking. Your brow is still furrowed—wow, you have nice eyebrows—but your jaw is no longer doing that weird, tense thing. Namjoon’s does it too actually. It’s scary.

“I’m in freelance and I’ve got a few clients who have weird schedules. This time just works for me as a wrap up to my day.” Okay, that was pretty good actually. Jungkook’s making the work he’s doing for Jin’s passion project sound way cooler than it actually is.

The look on your face is blank, as if you’re trying to decide what to say.

Jungkook scratches his neck. “So, um, what are you doing here so late?”

Your gaze flickers up to his, meeting it for a fleeting moment before falling back to the ground. “I’m a night owl.”

That’s it. That’s all you give him.

“Cool, same honestly.” At least it’s the truth. God, he’s so garbage at talking to you. He can almost picture Namjoon rolling his eyes at how awkward this conversation feels. Too bad he’s not here to do all the talking.

“Cool,” you repeat back quietly. “I’ve got work I need to get done. I can wash this next week and give it back to you, if that’s okay?”

“Oh.” Right, the hoodie. Do you smell good? Jungkook wonders if you smell good, and if there’s a way to find out before next week. Maybe he can keep you from washing it so that it stays smelling like you.

Is that weird?

Somewhere in his mind, there’s a tiny Namjoon haunting his neurons. At this question, the tiny Namjoon shouts “YES” and then laughs at the way it echos against his skull.

“Yeah, that’s totally fine. No rush.”

Thank you for reading! Drop me an ask and tell me what you think. Find me in various places at my carrd :)

©miscelunaaa 2021-2022. My work is only found on this blog and under my ao3 pseud. Do not, under any circumstances, copy or repost my work. Thank you.

posted: 1.30.2022. updated: 4.2.2022 with front matter fixes.

[sunatooru]

hi hello can i request a scenario/drabble for tsukishima, kuroo, oikawa, and akaashi with a fem!so who fainted during their heated argument? their argument would be about s/o being clingy and needy, and always talking and being noisy; turns out the reason she fainted was because of the fever she had early in the morning but didn't tell them about it in order not to be a 'bother' or 'nuisance'... then her fever got really worse during the argument and faints. *cue their boyfriends feeling like shit for all the rude things they said*

i am in need of some angst🪆

Sorry it took so long (I’ve had this since March 😭) but I hope it fills your angst need x

~

Warning: angst/comfort, gn!Reader, post Timeskip spoilers …are they dramatic?Yes

~

Tsukishima

It was rare you got to spend time with your boyfriend. Especially as he juggled working and playing volleyball. You wouldn’t miss the chance to be with him for a whole day, even if you woke up feeling like your head was being hammered.

You stayed wrapped around his arm, happily joining him on the sofa. You move to wrap your arms around his torso but he pushes your attempt away. You blink at him in confusion and try again, but fail when he stops you once more.

“Keiii, I want to cuddle..” you pout and he scoffs.

“What’s wrong with you? I finally get a day to relax and instead, I have you clinging to me and being annoying.” He glares at you, making you pull back and your throat tighten.

“I-“ you get cut off

“You what? You’re always trying to push yourself on me. It’s suffocating!” He gets up and walks towards the bedroom, you hot on his heels.

“Kei, can you please be a little quieter? All I want is to spend some time with you…you’re always so busy…” you defend but he kisses his teeth.

“Exactly. I’m always busy, so can you just let me chill out? I don’t need you whining in my ear and having you on me all the time! God, it’s like you need to annoy me!” He shouts at you.

You swallow harshly. Your chest feeling tight as his words ring in your ear. Your head pounding as you feel yourself heat up.

“Kei…I-I don’t…” you try to reach for him but he moves.

“Did you not just hear what I s- hey..hey!” You feel yourself lean forward as your eyes close.

You wake up when you feel something cool on your forehead, opening your eyes slowly to see Kei next to you.

“Kei…”

“Are you okay? You just fainted out of nowhere…why…and I said all those thing-“ you grab his hand.

“I wasn’t feeling well in the morning…I tried to push it away to spend time with you…” he looks at you guiltily, sighing and cupping your hands.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean anything I said. You’re not suffocating…everyday I come home, I can’t wait to see you. I don’t know why I said that…I’ve just been so overwhelmed and I took it out on you. I’m sorry baby. ” He confesses.

“I love you so much…I don’t even deserve you.” He whispers, biting his tongue as he looks at you.

“Hmm, I love you too…it’s okay. Can you just hold me, please.” You give him a small smile and he wraps you around him.

Kuroo

It’s that time of year where deadlines need to be met. You watch him scribble on papers and pull at his hair. You could see how tense he was and decided to bring him something hot to sip on.

“Tetsu, you need a break.” You slowly make your way into the room, carrying a hot mug and small snack.

“Can’t. Got to finish finalising the contract.” He informs, crossing out lines and writing again.

You huff and approach him, struggling to find a place to set the tray due to his messy desk.

“Come on. You need to atleast drink something, you’ve been at it for hours now. “ you press, causing him to clench his jaw.

He slams his pen against the desk, startling you before he faces you.

“I just said I need to finish this contract. Of course I’ve been working on it for hours. It’s important. You’ve been coming in and out of the room and disturbing me! I’m busy trying to do my job and you can’t even leave me alone for a few hours? Stop being so clingy all the time!” He fumes, eyes glaring at you as he starts to stand up.

You feel you mouth go dry as his words echo, your vision starting to fade as he finally stands, a rush taking over that you drop the tray. A loud smash of the mug rings in your ear.

“Are you serious- babe! What’s- babe!” Is the last thing you hear before your vision goes black.

You stir when you feel movement besides you. Slowly opening your eyes to see his leg bouncing nervously. He notices you looking and instantly grabs your hand.

“Have you not been eating? Were you waiting for me? Fuck! You fainted, I- what happened?” He rambles, eyes filled with regret.

“I felt a fever in the morning but I didn’t want to tell you because I knew how important your contract was.” You mumble, avoiding his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, babe. I was so stressed and occupied with the deal that I forgot about you and said so many regrettable things. Please, I didn’t mean anything I said. You’re not clingy. I love that you’re always watching over me. I promise, I’ll take more care. Of you and me.” He apologises, bring your hand up to kiss it.

“Here drink this.” He hands you a mug, your eyes widening as your remember the one you dropped.

“I cleaned it, don’t worry. I’m sorry. Let’s just get you feeling better, okay. The contract can wait. You’re more important.” You give him a small smile and nod.

He stays besides you until you persuade him you’re better. He kisses and hugs you until you’re both laughing like before.

Oikawa

You always told each other where you were going before leaving. It was something you did for safety. Yet, recently he’d been leaving before you wake up and coming home late. You reasoned it was probably for the upcoming game. The game that would makes his dream come true. But it did hurt that that one routine had started to break.

You had woken up to your head pounding. Your body feeling hotter than usual and the bed empty for another morning. You attempt to shake it off and go on with the day.

You’re surprised when the door open around midday and see Tooru drop his bag.

“Tooru! You’re home!” You run up to hug him but he stops you.

“Sorry, I’m just really sweaty right now.” He kisses your forehead and runs towards the bathroom.

You smile to yourself, quickly fixing lunch, in hopes you would both enjoy together. But instead, you hear him run down and reach for the door again.

“Tooru, where are you going?” You stop him, confusion on your face.

“Ah I just need to go out again. You know the game and practice.” He states grabbing his bag.

“But you just got home. Look, I made you lunch too. You can practice tomorrow. I barely see you recently! You don’t even tell when you’re leaving…” you shout.

“No! I need to go. I need to practice more. I can’t be with you all the time, every day. You’re so needy. Can’t you see how important this is for me? What? I can’t even leave my own house without telling you?” He yells in frustration.

“That’s not the problem. You- you’re not even caring about your health. I just want to make sure you’re okay!” You feel yourself burn up again.

You get closer to him, hands shivering as you feel weak.

“Listen I’m going to training! Don’t wait-“ he’s walking out the door but you reach for him, collapsing against his back.

You hear mumbling and groan as you open your eyes.

“Tooru…” you call out and he’s there in a heartbeat.

“Do you know how high your temperature was? You were burning up! And then you fainted and I-I didn’t know what happening and god if anything happened to you I would never forgive myself.” He cries, wrapping his arms around you tightly.

“I’m okay..” you whisper but he shakes his head.

“No you’re not. Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well?” He says, hurt.

“I don’t want to me a nuisance…and you haven’t really been here so I tried to shake off in the morning.” You reply.

“Since morning… please forgive me, baby. Please. I know I’ve been neglecting you and if I was here then you wouldn’t be feeling like this. I’m sorry for what I said. I know i can’t take it back but I wish I could, because it’s not true. You’re not needy. I’m just an idiot who keeps forgetting to appreciate you. Baby, I’m sorry for hurting you.” He sniffles, sitting next to you and pulling you into him.

“Tooru, you’ll get sick too.” You stress but he holds you tighter.

“Just a few more minutes. I’ve missed you too. I promise I won’t leave you and take care of you. Forever.” He kisses you deeply.

Akaashi

The best way you decided to get rid of the fever you woke up with, was to distract yourself doing anything else. You organised yourself desk, bed and even laundry. You could feel yourself getting warmer again and decide to find your boyfriend.

He’s in his study carefully editing a new clients work. He’s usually calm and collected but he’s been on edge due to the pressure from his boss. You watch him take off his glasses and rub his tired eyes. You sigh and walk in.

“Hi darling!” You say cheerfully, only to get a less enthusiastic response.

“You’ve been stuck to the desk the whole day. Come on, talk to me a bit. Think of it as a little break.” You wrap your arms around him from behind.

“I’m almost done. We can talk after.” He whispers.

“Keijiii, I’m so bored please. Plus you need to take some rest. Let’s just talk about something, like I don’t know, where we should travel to? Or maybe anything interesting that happened at work? Come on, I want to spend time with -“ you’re cut off by his stern voice.

“Gosh, why are you so talkative? I’m trying to focus on something and you keep talking and being noisy after I said we can talk later. It’s like you’re trying to annoy me on purpose!” He scrunches his fists and huffs.

“I-I’m just trying to look out for you. You know you need a break too. Don’t yell at me! Sorry I’m so talkative and trying to engage with my boyfriend, who clearly thinks I’m annoying.” You choke out, feeling a little woozy as you start to leave.

“Love, wait! I didn’t mean it…”

“Whatever…I should’ve just stayed in bed-“ you feel your eyes getting heavy, and your knees feeling weak.

“Y/n!”

You wake up a few minutes later to him wiping your face softly. You try to get up but he stops you.

“Easy, let me help.” You can hear the guilt in his voice as he sets your pillow.

“I’m sorry for shouting at you. I let my frustrations take over and put it on you. I want you to know that, I didn’t mean what I said. I should’ve paid more attention and seen you weren’t feeling well.” He fidgets with his hands, scared to look at you.

“Your words hurt, Keiji. Even if you were frustrated, just please take some breaks. You’re going to burnout if you don’t.” You cup his hands and he finally looks up.

“I know. I know, I’ll do better and listen to you. How do you feel?” He presses his hands to both your foreheads.

“Better now that you’re here.”

[seung-hwa]

lil lemon dress

Word Count: 2.6k

Pairing: husband!Yunho x reader

Genre: Smut, fluff, established relationship

Summary: After a long day of work Yunho comes home to see you in a new dress that gets him the slightest bit of hot and bothered.

Warnings: big dick!Yunho (because of course), fingering, breeding kink, fairly softish sex, manhandling, talks of pregnancy, piv, unprotected sex, creampie (I’m so tired of having this be a warning every fic y’all I’ve got a problem)

A/N: I went to Anthropologie the other day and there was this really cute lemon dress that immediately made me think “house wife” and “Yunho” and this is the end result. Also! This is unedited I wrote it at like 4am so if it’s shit don’t talk about it okay anyway enjoy lmao

Yunho had left early in the morning to get to work, you didn’t mind as you have a whole slew of things to get done in the house to keep your mind occupied. These days his job at the office took so much of his time that he’d often end up bringing work home as well. It was as though he was working 24/7 and you see how tired he is all the time. It’s currently busy season, and it isn’t like he has much time to dedicate to you when he has deadline after deadline to meet. You understand that this will only last a little bit longer, and as much as you miss him right now, you also know that once the season settles he’ll be all yours.

Today you decided to do some shopping, get some decor for the house and do laundry. It didn’t take too much of your time, and you moved at a leisurely pace throughout the entirety of the day, enjoying the time you had for yourself. Once things at his work began to settle, and once you were able to set your own business up from home then these small moments of peace would eventually be gone. Soon enough you’d start up the cute little family that you and your husband had always dreamed of, his busy season’s would come and go, and your business would (hopefully) be booming.

You went about your business in a wrap around lemon dress, one that very much so screamed housewife. It was a cute little number that you had recently bought, and hadn’t had a chance to wear yet. In fact, you never even got the opportunity to show the article of clothing to Yunho and get his opinion on it. Although, you’re sure he’ll love it since his opinion is that everything you wear looks beautiful on you.

The door opens just as you’re prepping dinner. Nothing’s on the stove yet, you’re just cutting vegetables unfortunately. It catches you by surprise when you glance at the clock and find Yunho's home a whole hour earlier than usual. In fact, you would’ve been less shocked if he had come home a few hours later than this, as is the case with busy seasons.

Just as you’re about to turn around and greet him at the door, you feel his hands come from behind your waist and wrap around your front, cradling you into a hug.

“Baby, you’re home early,” you say to him from over your shoulder.

“Mmm, the bookkeeper hasn’t sent me any of the stuff I need for my current assignment and I’m at a standstill with all my other clients so I figured I’d call it in early for today. Hopefully I’ll get an email tomorrow with all the stuff I need or I may just need to find some work to do,” he sighs.

You feel so bad for him, his job would be so much easier if the others around him could just do their jobs well.

“I’m sorry dinner isn’t ready my love,”.

“Don’t even worry about dinner tonight, we can just order in,” he says.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure. I want to spend the rest of my afternoon just being lazy and being with you,”. You smile even though you know he can’t see you since he’s still holding onto you. You turn yourself around in his arms and look up at his tired eyes.

“Oh Yunho, you look so tired baby,” you give him a sympathetic smile as you bring your hand up to his cheek and stroke the skin there with your thumb.

Instead of answering he brings his lips down to yours. The kiss is sweet and gentle, no rushing involved as he molds his lips to yours and steals your breath away. He pulls away for a moment and rests his forehead against yours, the hands at your waist give you a small squeeze before he separates from you. He gives you a once over once as he finally takes in the way you look in your new dress.

“Oh is that new?”

“It is! Do you like it?” He takes your hand in his and spins you around, watching the way the skirt of the dress flares upwards in a pretty way.

“I can’t believe you can make lemons look so good,” he says to you and you chuckle in response.

This time he pulls you towards him and dances with you around the kitchen. There’s no music, and no rhythm for you to follow, but he doesn’t mind when you step on his feet a few times. Instead he giggles at every misstep you make and continues to swing you around.

“My beautiful wife…” you can hear him murmur, and the dreamy way he says it fills your heart with warmth. These sweet moments aren’t unusual, nor are they few or far in between, but you still cherish them nonetheless.

Now it’s his turn to take your face into his hands and he kisses you once more. This time it’s a little less soft and a lot more demanding, his tongue pushes against your lips and you allow him access. He takes his time with you, tongue exploring your mouth as his hands lower themselves to the tie that keeps your dress intact. Still, he doesn’t rush as his fingers work to untie the knot of your dress and pull it off of you. You’re slightly surprised by his sudden need for you considering how tired he looks but you’re not complaining at all.

You feel the cool air brush against your skin as the dress comes off, goosebumps rising on your skin until Yunho runs his hands over you. He backs you into a counter, his lips leave yours only to trail their way down your throat and suck at the juncture between your shoulder and neck. He draws a small moan from you as he works to undress you. He may be taking his time with you, but you notice how hastily his hands work to take off his own suit and tie. You help him by unbuttoning his shirt as he makes work of taking off his pants.

You both find yourselves clad in only your underwear as he continues to run his hands along your body while his lips kiss whatever skin he can find. When you brush your hand down to his boxers you hear him hiss as you make contact with his hardening member through the cloth. There’s a certain sense of neediness when his lips make contact with yours once more. He gives you the kind of kiss you know will leave your lips red and tingly once he departs from you.

His hands slide to your ass and he gives you a light tap, you take this as your signal to jump and he catches you, then placing you onto the kitchen counter. You take the initiative in pulling your bra off of you, and when he feels your bare skin against his he trails his kisses down to your chest. You run your hands through his hair, pulling softly as he takes a nipple into his mouth and runs his tongue over the hardening bud. You arch into his touch, keening at the way his mouth feels on you. He then moves onto the other nipple and does the same thing, all the while he looks up at you. The bags under his eyes are darker than you’ve ever seen them but the lust is unmistakable as you see how his dark brown eyes are overtaken by the black of his pupils.

You feel the way one of his hands comes into contact with your panties, stroking at you through the cotton material. You know he can feel the wetness that seeps through and he lets out a low moan from the realization of it.

“Already so wet for me… I’ve barely done anything and you’re already so wet for me,” you can tell he’s on the verge of losing it when you hear the way he takes in a shaky breath. As much as you would love for him to touch and tease you how he usually does, you also understand that he needs more than that right now.

“Yunho, baby I need you in me,”.

“Let me get you ready first okay? It’ll hurt if I don’t,” you give him a nod and he sets to work on taking off your panties before running two fingers up your slit. You’re just about to tell him to put them in but he does so before you can even open up your mouth.

His fingers push into you slowly, and he allows you a moment to get used to the sudden stretch before he’s thrusting them into you. He watches the way your expression twists into one of pleasure as he hooks his fingers and hits your sweet spot. His thumb then comes up to rub at your clit and it causes you to move your hips in time with the thrust of his fingers.

He reattaches his lips onto your neck, biting and sucking there as his hand moves faster. Your moaning mixed with the wetness of his fingers inside of you fills the kitchen. As much as you would love to come this way, you also prefer to come with him inside of you instead. It takes all your willpower to put your hand over his and push it away from you.

“Inside, please, I need you inside,” you say, almost breathless.

It doesn’t take him long to push his boxers down and begin to tease at your entrance, coating himself in your wetness before he pushes into you slowly. He watches the way he sinks into you, inch by agonizing inch. It doesn’t matter how often you take his cock, he always has to warm you up to him first just so that he doesn’t hurt you. You love the care he takes with you, making sure you’re never uncomfortable, especially with how big he is.

Once he’s fully inside of you he cups your face in his hands and pulls you in for another kiss. It gives you the time you need to adjust to his size until you’re the one pulling away and giving him the okay to go ahead. You watch as he bites at his bottom lip, not letting go of your face and also not moving within you. Normally you’d be a little whiny and be insistent on him moving but you can tell there’s something on his.

“What’s wrong Yun?”

“I want a baby,” he says without a single ounce of hesitation.

“Oh?” You say a bit dumbly, “what brought that out?”

“Just seeing you in here, so beautiful in your lemon dress, it’s all so domestic. It made me think about how you’d look pregnant with our baby, or how you’d look when we have our own little rugrats running around here. I want that with you. I want all the domestic things with you,”. It takes you a moment to process what he says, and once it registers in your mind it very easily begins to fill your heart with an immense amount of love for him.

“I want that with you too, my love,” you say to him. You can’t say that you forget about the fact that he’s still inside of you, but it did escape from your mind for a millisecond until he begins to thrust into you slowly.

His hands let go of your face and settle down onto your waist as his thrusts hit deep inside of you. There’s a hunger in his eyes that wasn’t there before, as if the confirmation from you is all he needed in order to finally let go.

The grip he has on you is bruising, and the way you pull at his hair in your grasps only causes him to grip onto you tighter. Any self restraint he had prior is thrown out of the window as he thrusts into you faster. He nearly pulls you off of the counter as he angles your hips better to meet his. He keeps one hand holding onto you as the other comes to rub at your clit again.

You know he isn’t going as rough as what he could, because he may be going faster but he’s still trying to make sure you won’t be in pain later.

“Stop holding back Yun, I want you to fuck me. Get me pregnant baby,”.

It’s like a switch flips as he pulls you completely off the counter, only to turn you around and bend you over it. You don’t do this position too often since he’s so big but you’re so wet and the way he manhandles you only causes him to be able to slide into you much easier.

The slap of his skin on yours is almost as loud as the moans you let out for him. You rest your face on the cool granite of the counter, hands gripping onto it as he fucks into you. He makes the effort to grab onto one of your legs and helps you to put your knee onto the counter. The position is slightly awkward but it helps him hit you deeper, there’s only a slight amount of pain as you feel the tip of him brushing against your cervix.

He’s so lost in the feel of you that he doesn’t bring his fingers down to your clit, but you don’t mind. You bring your own fingers to rub at yourself as he fucks you to his hearts content. You feel him kissing down your neck and peppering kisses along your back with each thrust that meets you. You can tell he’s close when his hips begin to stutter. Only then does he replace your hand with his own, fingers nearly slipping with how wet you’ve become.

Your orgasm hits you just as you feel him releasing into you. He helps you ride it out as he continues, but even as you begin to come down he doesn’t stop. The oversensitivity begins to bother you and you can only whimper, all words lost on you.

“I know baby I know, just gotta make sure I fuck all my cum into you,”. He keeps going for only a moment longer until he stops his thrusts. He helps you take your knee off of the counter but keeps himself inside of you while doing so. Your legs feel like jelly and you’re thankful that he’s holding onto you, because if he wasn’t then you’d surely be a puddle on the ground.

Eventually he pulls out of you, and turns you around to face him once again. He meets your lips in a kiss as sweet as the first one he gave you when he arrived back home. You’re both breathless from the sex, and very sweaty.

“Let me start the bath and you can order the takeout?” He asks you with a tired smile.

“Of course my love,” you say before giving him a peck on his nose.

He’s just about to let you go until he pulls you into him for a hug.

“You know I love you so much right?”

“I know Yun, I love you too,” when he steps away from you he looks at you like you’ve put the stars in the sky, nothing but pure unadulterated love in his eyes as he takes you in.

Maybe you’ll start wearing that lemon dress more often.

More A/N: Thanks for reading! If you want more Yunho smut then feel free to take a look at this lil number right here (or take a look at my most recent fic here). But if neither of those tickle your fancy then feel free to take a look at my masterlist here instead. I also have a tag list so if you’d like to be added onto that then let me know buddy. Okay cool bye!

[lacheri]

when you can’t sleep at night // wake me (sequel)

pairing: captain!Levi x cadet!fem bodied reader

content: angst, canonverse, mentions and talks of death/portrayals of death, depictions of violence, blood, overall dark themes, unestablished relationship, fingering, mutual loss of virginities, overstimulation, takes place sometime before the 57th expedition (didn't follow an exact timeline), there is a lot of talks about dying in this, levi asks a lot of intrusive questions, minors DNI.

summary: levi finds he holds an affection to a certain cadet of his. you find that maybe the comfort of your captain can quiet the thoughts plaguing your mind, even if just for one night.

wc: 10.7k

The clouds were so fluffy, so white and pure as you longingly watched them swirl above you. Your entire body was numb, back flat against the dirt with all your limbs stretched out. Your brain felt fuzzy, and for a fleeting moment you were flying in the clouds. You could feel the water vapor skim past your fingertips, the air whooshing against you as you soared. You looked down at the earth beneath your form, all the trees and even the walls looked so tiny from this height. This peaceful daydream was pulled from you with a start, your chest heaving with coughs.

“I’m so sorry!” you heard a voice call out, your line of vision intruded by the hazy form of a person leering over you. “I didn’t mean to hit you like that!”

“‘S okay,” you choked out, the numbness fading into aches all over your body. “I’ve gotten you good a couple of times too, Eren.”

“You know what, on second thought,” Eren’s lips spread into a smirk as he extended a hand down. “Consider this payback for beating my ass all those times in the Training Corps.”

“Good on you for finally landing a hit,” you chuckled, wincing as he hauled you to your feet. “Only took you three years.”

You rocked on your ankles, steadying yourself quickly before your legs gave out on you. Eren had gotten you good, roundhouse kicking you in your chest to lay you out on your ass. His training sessions had begun to pay off, used to the reverse happening when the two of you sparred. Mikasa would look on intently, a small smile on her lips when you’d punch Eren’s smug face with a sharp hook. You and 104th cadets were a friendly, strong group, bonded over the horrors of the titans, especially after what happened in Trost.

“What are you brats doing out here?”

Your heads whipped in the direction of the strong voice, meeting the steely hard set eyes of Levi, your captain and soon to be squad leader. His arms were crossed, and you gulped upon taking notice of how his biceps strained under the grey linen of his button up. You quickly flickered your focus back to his eyes before he caught you eyeing him up.

“Just sparring,” Eren hadn’t released the grip on your hand, nor had he noticed he was still holding onto your palm as he addressed the superior. “Prepping for the mission tomorrow.”

Levi frowned, “And who told you it was okay to do so when I gave you cadets instruction to clean the headquarters from top to bottom?”

You pulled your hand from Eren’s as you responded, “Sorry, Captain Levi. We’ll get on it right away.”

Levi only let out a displeased ‘tch’ as he turned on his heels, walking away without further commentary. Eren shot you an eye roll, and you held back a snicker as the pair of you followed shortly after the ravenette. Maybe the two of you had snuck away to leave the rest of your comrades to attack the former Survey Corps headquarters with dusters and cleaning rags, not wanting to participate in your weekly assigned duties. Eren had been adamant in the cobwebbed hallway on the second floor that he had to practice his hand to hand combat, just in case your squads ran into some problems on tomorrow’s mission. You had eagerly agreed, wanting to be as far away from the unsettled dust that assaulted your nostrils, itching at your allergies.

As the three of you entered the building, Levi abruptly turned to the two of you trailing behind him, you and Eren jumping in fright, “Eren, go to the dining hall, you’re going to wipe down underneath all the tables. As for you, brat, you get the honor of cleaning my room.”

Eren shot you a sympathetic look discreetly, nodding to your captain as he hightailed it to the hall.

You swallowed a lump in your throat, alone now with the captain. He studied you for a brief moment, gesturing with his head for you to follow him. Your feet moved before your mind could will you, and the soft thuds of your footsteps across the wooden planks of the floor was all that was heard. You snuck glances at the man before you, taking notice that his undercut was slightly grown in, his longer hair uncharacteristically out of place. Levi looked disheveled in a way, his tan leather jacket creased.

You opened your mouth to make a comment, but decided against it in the end. You were going to offer your assistance, to help freshen up his fade and to do his laundry, but figured Levi was a grown man who could take care of himself. You had a soft spot for the man, humanity’s strongest soldier. You knew a title like that came with a weight you could not fathom, especially after the horrors you had seen at Trost when the titans broke through the walls. You could remember everything so clearly, almost as if it was happening right now. You had nearly died that day.

Your older age amongst your fellow cadets was not one of gain you found out. After learning about the tragedy of Wall Maria, the wall closest to your village, it inspired you to join the Survey Corps in order to help the world. Humanity was dying, almost completely obliterated. Distant family members had died in Shiganshina that day, and the reality of the titans weighed heavily on you. How could you sit idly by as the world you knew was being destroyed before your very eyes? What would’ve happened had that attack been on your small village instead of the Shiganshina district? How would you have protected your own?

So with those thoughts in mind, you joined the training corps. Your parents had disagreed with broken hearts, knowing the likely fate of your choices. Your mother had insisted that you were of ripe marrying age, and that they had no other children to carry your family name. They begged and pleaded for you to settle down and find a husband, to help humanity in a different way by bearing children. You knew this was just a fantasy, and you knew it would be entirely possible that if you were to follow their wishes, the family you would create would be devoured and destroyed. This was the only way you could help, no matter your age or being in your reproductive prime. You needed to slaughter the titans, one by one until none remained. You kissed your beloved family goodbye the day you left for training, and you frequently sent them letters to let them know you were well and alive. One day, they all were returned back to you as you sat in the barracks, and one of the captains informed you that your village was destroyed, your parents and friends from home all dead.

You thought of them as you sliced through a five meter titan’s nape in Trost, your first kill. The citizens of the district ran stampeding in retreat, and caught up in the heat of it all, you had failed to account for the seven meter barreling behind you. When it’s burning fingers wrapped around your body, you sobbed, preparing to meet your family in the afterlife, whatever that would look like. You could feel the hot spats of drool hit your cheeks as the titan opened its mouth, bearing teeth and a cruel grin, and then suddenly, you were flying, caught in the arms of a savior. You stared in disbelief at the cut off fingers on the graveled stone of the street, to only be brought out of this state as Mikasa held you close and questioned if you were alright.

After the dust settled and the casualties were counted, you could feel a fire blazing deep within you. You never wanted to be vulnerable like that ever again, you wanted to be strong like Mikasa. Then, you met Captain Levi. You didn’t know much about him, but his reputation spoke volumes. You wanted the strength of the Ackermans whom you so deeply admired. You begged Commander Erwin to be assigned to Levi’s squad, and your wish was granted. You had been in the top rankings of your class, and you had a solo kill under your belt, aside from the near fatal clutch of another titan. Most of all, you had survived, a bigger feat than most of your comrades.

“Oi, you done daydreaming?” Levi’s cool voice brought you out of your train of thoughts as you arrived outside a wooden door, presumably his temporary living space.

“Sorry, just thinking,” you mumbled as he opened the door.

“Didn’t think you were capable of that. All the supplies are in the box on my desk, I want this room spotless, I don’t care how long it takes,” your captain grumbled as he made strides to his desk in the center of the room.

The room was fairly large, a double bed pressed against the left wall and the dark wooden desk was littered in paperwork. Half filled bookshelves lined the right wall, some mismatched couches and chairs filled the empty space. Honestly, the space was nearly perfect, even the bed was made. You knew better than to point this out to your superior though, so you had simply nodded and began to sort through the various cleaning supplies.

The scratch of Levi’s pen filled the hour long silence as you worked, dusting every surface and wiping it down with disinfectant spray and an old rag. After sweeping thoroughly, you flickered your eyes to the single window in the entire room, surprised completely as the sun had nearly set. The two of you were probably going to miss dinner, you realized as Levi poked his head up from the pile of papers he was concentrated on, a clear look of distaste on his features.

“This is what you call clean?” he spat, running a hand through his bangs. “Mop the floors, cadet.”

You sighed, feeling the subtle growl of hunger in the pit of your stomach. The mop laid in the left corner by the bedroom door, where you had found the broom. You swapped the two, picking up a bucket on the floor. You filled the wooden container with disinfectant, not seeing any polish in the box Levi had provided. He only rolled his eyes at seeing this, but said nothing. At least the floor would be clean.

Levi had lit a few lamps around the room to provide lighting as the sun dipped lower in the sky, swallowing the room in darkness. The floor was sparkling as you finished the last spot, a feeling of satisfaction filling your chest.

“Better?” you interrupted his concentration. He gazed around the room silently, face blank.

“Much,” Levi finally spoke. “That’ll be all, cadet.”

You smiled, setting the cleaning supplies back to their original locations, “Do you want me to bring you anything? I’m going down to grab dinner.”

Levi’s eyes widened at the question, not expecting your offer, “Some tea would be fine. Don’t fuck it up either, brat.”

You nodded as he dismissed you, and you treaded down the stairwell from the second floor to the kitchens. Some of the other cadets littered the dining hall as you passed, seeing some of your comrades laughing at a table, but you paid them no mind. In the kitchen there was hardly any leftover food from the dinner, scraps of potatoes sat in a large bowl on one of the counterspaces. You sighed, scarfing down whatever was available while you set a rusted kettle to a flame. The water was boiled within minutes, and you poured it over tea leaves in two teacups. You cleaned up your mess, and made your way back to Levi’s room.

You knocked twice on the door, hearing his grunt to signal you to enter. Levi was still positioned in his chair at his desk, head in his hands as he scanned over his documents. You placed his cup down silently, ready to leave the man to his work.

“Why are you here, cadet?” your captain called out as you went to open the door.

You turned your head to look at him, his eyes never leaving the words of his papers, “What do you mean, captain?”

“The Survey Corps,” he clarified, finally making eye contact. “Why?”

“To save humanity, sir?” you didn’t mean to speak as if you were questioning him, but your eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

He scoffed, setting his paperwork aside, “Humanity, huh? You’re a bit too old to be in the graduating class you’re currently in. Why join now?”

“I’m sorry, but I’m confused,” your body was facing his entirely now. “Why are you asking me these questions?”

“Because it doesn’t make sense,” he more so mumbled to himself. “You shouldn’t be here. You should be pregnant with your first born, with a husband. Instead, you’re here, trying to fight titans.”

“With all due respect, Captain,” your voice was laced with controlled anger. “I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

“Aren’t you scared?” Levi continued, ignoring your question. “You could’ve picked the easy way.”

“It would’ve been in vain. My village was wiped out shortly after Wall Maria fell.”

He hummed, his hands coming down to rest on the wooden notches of his desk, papers forgotten, “You were in the top ranks. You could’ve joined the military police.”

“And hear how my comrades died instead of helping them?” you gawked.

“It’s a lot better than watching.”

You shut your mouth then, lips pressing tightly together. You didn’t understand why your captain was questioning you like this.

“I see the way you are with them,” his tone softened, not looking you in the eyes as he spoke. “How you all are.”

“Just because I’m friendly doesn’t mean I’ll forget the purpose of the scouts,” you said defensively, crossing your arms. “I have my own ass to account for.”

Levi pushed off his chair suddenly, scraping the just mopped floor and jolting up to his legs, “You have no idea what it’s like out there. Your friends are going to die, cadet. There’ll be nothing you can do to save them. Are you prepared for that? Collecting their bodies, or whatever’s left of them to take home to their families?”

Your mouth went dry, jaw slacking, “Captain, I know what loss feels like. My family is dead, some of my so called ‘friends’ died in Trost. I know what I signed up for.”

He scoffed, circling around his desk to stand a few feet away from you, “Haven’t you seen enough?”

“Are you trying to get me to quit the Survey Corps?” you asked incredulously.

“Yes. You don’t belong here,” his tone was rough as he spat at you. “Go find a husband. Get the fuck out of the military.”

“I don’t want to,” your anger simmered as you stared down at your boots. “I don’t have a home to go back to. I can’t leave. I know the other cadets aren’t my friends. I’m just trying to make the best out of my life before I die. I know I’m going to die. What’s so wrong about trying to find comfort in others?”

“You are a fool,” he seethed, teeth clenched. “You want to die?”

You shook your head, not bothering to keep the conversation going, “I’m going to bed, Captain. I’ll see you tomorrow for the mission.”

“I didn’t dismiss you, cadet,” Levi towered over you now as your hand wrapped around the doorknob.

You brought your fist up to your chest in a salute as you began to exit, “With absolutely no disrespect, I’m exhausted. Have a good night, Captain.”

You pushed the door shut in front of you as you stood in the hallway. You knew you would be getting an ear full from Levi in the morning, but honestly, the conversation was beginning to stir up feelings you’d rather not address. Intrusive thoughts filled your mind as you made your way to the first floor where your temporary bedroom resided.

You couldn’t answer Levi’s question because in a way, in a very selfish train of thought, you didn’t want to be a part of the titan’s world anymore, whether that meant death or something else. How easy it would be for you to greedily pack your things and leave the military and take refuge in some random village to live out the rest of your days, however long they would be. Or to just simply become fodder for the titans in your quest to rid the world of their reign.

Your uniform was folded on your bedside table, a cotton shirt and shorts on your body as you sat on your bed over the covers. You could hear the soft snores of Christa as she slumbered peacefully in the bed across the room, and you gazed over her body under her covers. You knew the people you trained with, fought with, grew fond of, were not your friends. How could they be? It’d only make things harder in the end. Like Levi had said, you might be the one collecting their deceased bodies after a battle. How could you ever grow close to someone that you knew their days were numbered?

The 104th cadets were your comrades, not your makeshift family. You had to remind yourself of that every time Sasha would ask for your leftovers, batting her big eyes at you. When Eren would spar with you, telling you how strong you were and commending you on how far you had come since the first day of the Training Corps. How Mikasa literally saved your life, and how you had admired her ever since. Armin’s unmatched potential and growth. Jean’s relentless taunting, giving you the nickname of gram because of your age. Connie, well frankly, just being Connie. Reiner and Bertholdt’s strong will and passion. Annie’s unwavering willpower and prowess. All the other cadets who you’d gotten to know so well, you had to constantly imagine their corpses as they smiled at you and tried to get to know you. So, you stayed back, opting to be alone at any opportunity, so their deaths would be easier to swallow when the time came.

You squeezed your eyes shut, shaking your head to try and rid yourself of your thoughts. It was of no use, and with a sigh you pushed yourself out of your bed. You deemed it would be yet again another sleepless night, and you realized sadly you had left your tea cup in Levi’s office completely untouched. You didn’t bother to entertain the thought of going back to retrieve it, instead you slinked through your bedroom door and out of the headquarters.

The night air was chilly, and you felt regret for not grabbing your jacket on your way out. The moon was gone, a completely black night, and you could see the stars crystal clear. The sky was your favorite sight, especially on nights like this.

You found a nice patch of soft grass, and laid on your back to gaze up at the sky. This was always your comfort, even as a child, to go outside and watch the sky, day or night. Your mother would warn you that your eyes would fall out of your head if you stared too long at the sun, at the moon. You didn’t care, because in those moments you felt so free. Free of the walls that caged you inside, of the world around you. You were the clouds, the stars, the wind as it rolled past. Maybe you were never meant to be human, you mused. You were meant to be nature, never to experience the trials and tribulations of sentinel living. You were supposed to be free, all knowing and ignorant at the same time, existing without the weight of consciousness.

“Thought you were going to bed, cadet?”

You were startled by the boom of a familiar voice behind you, collecting yourself and clearing your throat, “I couldn’t sleep.”

Levi’s head bobbed into your field of vision, “Thought too hard today?”

You rolled your eyes, feeling guilty as you caught the action afterwards and hoped your captain wouldn’t find it as a disrespect, “Yeah, you could say that.”

“Why are you out here of all places, without a jacket?” out of the corner of your eye you watched as Levi brought himself down to sit next to you.

“I like watching the sky,” you put simply, trying not to make eye contact. “Makes me feel better.”

“About dying?” he said, and you knew that he wouldn’t let your previous conversation go. You decided to humor him, if only to get these thoughts out of your mind.

“Yes.”

“Like what?” he almost sounded uninterested, but from his line of questioning you knew he was anything but.

“I don’t want to die,” you admitted, digging your fingernails into the grass by your waist. “I don’t want to watch anyone die. I never wanted to join the military. I felt like I had no choice.”

“We always have a choice,” he leaned his back to see whatever had your attention draw above you.

“Either fight the titans or get eaten alive when they attack the walls?” you snorted. “What a hard decision to make.”

“Why’d you join the Survey Corps?” he asked once again.

“I didn’t want my family’s death to be in vain. I had cousins, aunts and uncles in Shiganshina.”

“What about your death?”

“I hope it’ll mean something,” you breathed, feeling your chest get tight. “I hope this all will mean something.”

Levi looked at you then, a glimmer of something you couldn’t identify in his eyes, “You sound like Erwin when you talk like that.”

You made eye contact, a small smile on your lips, “The Commander’s an amazing man. I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

Levi scoffed, “Take it as you will.”

“What else could I do? I’m trying so hard to make a difference, to make life easier for others so they don’t have to suffer this fate. Isn’t that why we all joined the Survey Corps?” you continued your train of thought. “Maybe we all have a death wish. Fuck, I know I have one. It all just fucking hurts, Captain. I can’t help but think of others all the time, of all the loss and the grief they've gone through, what I’ve been through. At what will keep happening until all the titans are gone for good.”

“Why the sky?” he changed the subject, seemingly bored of your repetitive narrative.

“Because there’s no titans up there,” you joked without humor. “There’s no walls, no boundaries, no rules. It’s never ending. Where are the stars? How does day and night occur? Where does the moon go when the sun’s out? It amazes me, that’s all. Makes me think of how big the world is, of what’s out there besides this.”

“You think too much for a brainless brat,” Levi grumbled, laying on his back and joining you.

“I know,” you chuckled, turning your body to face him. “Wish I could turn off all my thoughts, it would probably make life a whole lot more livable.”

He hummed, eyes drawn in to your face, “I understand. What you said earlier, too, about finding comfort in others.”

“What do you mean?” you propped your head on your hand and you positioned your elbow to support you.

“I guess I never thought about it before tonight,” he blinked, expression unreadable. “Life as a soldier isn’t a comforting one. I guess that’s what I was trying to tell you about.”

You read between the lines of his words, recognizing it as his form of an apology, “I know. But it’s still the life I chose. At least I’m trying to make a difference, we all are.”

“Y’know, I’ve been paying attention to you for some time now. I didn’t understand when Erwin came to me and told me you had asked to be put on my squad. I took a look in your file, and I saw you after the attack on Trost, and I still didn’t understand,” Levi spoke slowly. “I don’t think I get you at all, even now.”

“I don’t think I understand myself,” you laughed dryly, returning your attention to the sky.

“You should get some sleep, cadet,” he advised softly, pushing himself off the ground. “And for fuck’s sake do it soon, I won’t be taking care of your ass if you get a cold.”

Levi stalked off before you could utter a response. You sighed, and decided his words were wise enough to follow. A few moments after your captain had left you, you followed his pathway back to the entrance of the former headquarters. You entered, making a hasty retreat back to your room where Christa was still knocked out cold.

Under your covers, you replayed your conversations with Levi. You still couldn’t figure out why he had questioned you like he had, why he even cared in the first place. Maybe it was his own gnawing curiosity, trying to understand why some random twenty-something year old girl insisted on being in his squad like you had. Maybe, you thought egotistically, you had your own reputation. You inwardly snorted, probably not.

Images of your captain under the moonlight played beneath your eyelids as you finally managed to drift off into a dreamless sleep.

The mission had gone horribly wrong. At least for you, to be honest you had no idea where the rest of your comrades were as you raced on your horse, desperately searching the sky for flares. You hadn’t seen a single one in a while now, at least ten minutes, and your heart was thudding hard as thoughts that the entire fleet of soldiers you had joined had been decimated. You were completely alone, the walls distant behind you. All you knew is that you couldn’t stop, couldn’t turn around or else you’d really be lost.

The 104th had stayed behind at the former headquarters, this having been a smaller expedition to clear out some titans before the planned 57th expedition in a few weeks. Levi, Oluo, Petra, and Gunther, as well as a few other squads accompanying you, were in a near perfect formation when an abnormal titan had broken through, killing a few unnamed soldiers at your side that you had never met before today.

In the far left distance, you could see a large forest full of trees. Your jaw slacked open, relief running through your veins when you caught sight of some men on horses heading that direction. Green flares shot up high in the sky, and you pulled the reins of your mare to follow. Your plan was brought to a screeching halt though, as you heard the thunderous footsteps shake your horse, and your body. You threw a glance behind your shoulder, a ten meter titan running straight towards you. You reached to your side quickly, shooting a red flare above you to warn any close by comrades.

The titan was gaining speed, about a dozen yards now behind you. You really wanted to avoid confrontation was much as possible, but as those yards closed between you and the titan, you growled and prepared yourself. You gave your horse a soft pat on her neck, and heaved yourself to stand on the saddle. You gaged your surroundings, seeing complete flat plains all around you, not an ideal situation for fighting at all.

Your odm gear shot you straight to the titan’s legs, a plan instilled in your head on the best way to take it down. It was fairly thin and muscular, but you decided it was just a plain titan as it dumbly stared at you with its wicked grin. Your dual blades locked in your hands now, you swung behind the titan and sliced through its ankles. The ten meter fell swiftly, giving you the perfect opportunity to land on its nape and kill it. It stilled completely beneath you after your swift cuts, and you ran as fast as your body willed you to rejoin your mare.

You placed your fingers to your lips, whistling as loud as you could. Your horse, at least 100 feet away, perked its ears and turned at a rapid speed straight back to you. She neighed as she reached your form, and you hauled yourself back on her saddle, kicking your legs for her to break into a full gallop to where the green flares still lingered in the air.

You didn’t bother to signal another flare in the air, seeing no other flares around you. As you neared closer to the forest, you felt incredibly relieved at the sight of your squad, now able to make out their faces. Petra waved her hands high in the air, about 20 feet away now. You saw Oluo, Gunther, and Levi, unharmed, as you got closer, bringing your horse down to a slightly slower gait, seeing no titans around.

“Are you okay?” Petra shouted at you once you reached the group. “Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m okay!” you spoke as fast as you could. “The other cadets I was with were killed by an abnormal, I got split up from them.”

“What was that red flare?” Oluo questioned, worry riddled in his eyes.

“It’s fine, I killed it,” you breathed shakily. “Where are the others?”

“Retreating back to the walls,” Levi answered, voice hard and commanding. “We’re out of blades, and there've been too many casualties. The others have the deceased’s bodies.”

You and your squad nodded, and with no further delay, you broke your horses into a full sprint back to the walls. The sun hung low in the sky, sunset merely a few hours away. Now in a formation in the clear open plains, you noticed out of the corner of your eye some movement.

“Abnormal titan to the right!” you screamed, turning your head to watch the titan’s arms flail, running in an irregular pattern.

“Holy fuck,” Gunther’s eyes widened in horror, shooting a black flare into the sky. “That’s got to be a 15 meter!”

“Don’t engage!” Levi barked, eyes trained straight ahead at the walls. “Keep an eye on it!”

“Sir!” the four of you quipped.

It seemed the abnormal titan had other plans as it caught sight of the five of you, its pace changing with intentions.

“It’s heading straight towards us!” Petra called out, flickering her eyes between the running titan and your captain. “Orders, Captain?”

Levi kept silent, much to your horrors. It was only a few yards away now, speed not slowing. Levi’s attention was completely ahead, the walls almost in full view. You were so close, not close enough though and the abnormal titan’s legs moved faster.

“Captain Levi!” Oluo shouted, eyebrows shot into his hairline.

The titan was less than three yards away when Levi finally spoke, “Petra, Oluo, make it fast!”

You shot off your horse before Levi’s lips opened, his commands unheard by you. Your odm ropes attached right into the titan’s ankles, just like how you had done before. There’s a reason they called it an abnormal titan though you discovered as its fingers closed around the wiring of your gear, yanking the ropes out of its skin and hauling your body up.

You squirmed, mashing your buttons desperately to get your hooks out of its fist as you were brought to the titan’s mouth. It was an ugly son of a bitch, teeth on full display in its evil smile. You couldn’t believe how badly you had fucked up again, the titan’s other hand gaining momentum as it lifted to wrap its disgusting meaty fingers around you. You watched as the fingers were sliced off before they could reach you, and suddenly you were free falling as the hand holding your odm ropes fell from its arm. You redirected yourself back to its ankles, back to your original plan of taking out the nerves to allow the titan to fall, your nerves entirely shot, your adrenaline in full control.

Levi had both his swords drawn as he met you at the back of the 15 meter’s legs, “Are you trying to get yourself fucking killed? You should’ve let the others handle it!”

“I thought I had it, Captain!” you curtly shouted, cutting through the tendons and getting sprayed with steaming blood. The titan did not falter though, but thankfully you and Levi had created a useful diversion as Petra, and Oluo took out the titan’s nape. You and your group shot back to your horses as the titan fell from its height, dead on impact.

The opening of the gate of Wall Rose was a fucking blessing, and your squad couldn’t have ran through it any faster. You heard the roaring of the gate as it closed behind you, and you were choking on shallow breaths as you slowed your mare’s gait.

None of you spoke a single word as you returned to the former headquarters, exhausted after the adrenaline of your mission wore off. You returned your horses to the stables, where feed and water awaited them. Your squad practically ran off, and you were confused until you saw the pissed off look of your superior aimed directly at you. Gulping down spit, you turned on your heel, ready to take off.

Levi’s arm shot out around your bicep, harshly tugging you to stop your escape, “Are you a fucking idiot, cadet? What the fuck were you thinking?”

“I thought I could take out the titan by its ankles!” you defended quickly, gritting your teeth as his fingers dug into your clothed arm. “It’s how I took out the other titan I killed, Captain!”

“You better learn quickly that all titans are not the same! Or did you not learn that in training?” Levi growled out between clenched teeth.

“I thought I could take it out,” you grumbled, ripping your arm out of his grip.

“You betrayed my orders. You listen to me and my commands, cadet,” he spat out, his eyebrows furrowed, his eyes burning holes into yours. “Remember your place.”

You pivoted yourself away from your captain, trotting ahead to head inside the headquarters, voice laced with malice as you grumbled, “I’ll do as I see fit.”

This would be the second time Levi hadn’t dismissed you before leaving him behind, you realized as you arrived at the communal bathroom. You sighed heavily, leaning back against the closed door, completely alone. Thankfully, it was very late in the evening, and if your comrades weren’t in bed already, they would be heading to sleep soon. You were so relieved to get some much needed alone time, especially now that you had such a terrible day.

You changed out of your blood soaked uniform, not bothering to fold it as you laid the clothes on the floor. Stark naked, you began to fill the bathtub basin with running water, a very rare luxury due to the previous care when the headquarters was up and running. With the porcelain half filled, the water steaming, you sunk your aching body into the scalding bath. The water turned a deep pink as you scrubbed your skin with a rag that had been resting over the rim. You untied your hair and dipped your head back, threading your fingers through your knots after generously coating the strands with soap. You drained the dirty water, refilling it back up now that most of the dirt and blood had been washed away. The tub held a pastel pink hue now, but you felt much cleaner and you sunk back in the tub, stretching out as much as you could.

You didn’t dare close your eyes for too long, picturing the events of today. You didn’t try to reflect on the lives that had been lost on today’s mission, the strangers you never had the pleasure, or perhaps displeasure, of getting to know. It made it easier in a sense to forget, to keep pushing forward. Still, the gore and the cruelty of what being a part of the scouts was truly about haunted the corners of your mind as you absentmindedly rubbed soap along your limbs. Maybe you were trying to wash away these memories, too.

Half an hour later, you decided it was time to dry off and get into comfortable clothing as the water cooled and your skin had pruned. You unplugged the drain, standing and reaching for a towel. Wrapping the fabric around your chest, you stepped out of the tub, feet leaving wet prints on the floor as you treaded to your bedroom, soiled clothes in hand.

An oversized white long sleeve hung off your frame, accompanied by your favorite cotton shorts as you sat on your bed, completely alone. Christa had briefly mentioned before your mission this morning that she’d be spending the night with Ymir, to which you were inwardly grateful for the promise of solidarity. As you sat hunched over, you found yourself longing for the comforting presence of someone, anyone, to distract you from the images that plagued your mind, no matter how hard you tried to push them away.

You jerked with a start as you pictured the angry face of your captain, feeling immense guilt pool in your gut. You had never spoken so much with Levi before yesterday, realizing the weight of your words and actions, reckless and undermining his authority. Maybe you owed him an apology, for if nothing else to at least calm your mind enough for sleep.

You didn’t remember the walk when you had arrived outside the captain’s door, or could recall if you had knocked before it swung open, revealing Levi’s surprised expression.

“I’m sorry,” you blurted out, nervously tugging at your sleeves as you avoided eye contact. “I’ve been disrespectful, Captain, and I’m sorry.”

“Cadet,” his teeth clenched tightly. “Do you understand what time it is?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” you whimpered, legs ready for a moment's notice of a retreat. “I’m sorry, I’ll leave—“

Levi’s hand shot out to circle your wrist, and you finally looked up into his charcoal eyes, “Don’t, come in.”

You couldn’t protest as you guided you into his room, shutting the door behind you after you passed the entry. Levi was dressed casually, beige cotton shirt hanging off his torso, plain grey pants on his lower half. The bags under his eyes told you he had also not been able to fall asleep. He led you to sit on his neatly made bed, towering over you with his arms tightly crossed.

“I was on my way to check on you.”

You furrowed your eyebrows, “What?”

“You didn’t knock,” Levi clarified, looking anywhere but at you. “I was already at the door. You’d seen a lot today. I don’t need my soldiers having breakdowns after every mission.”

He was worried about you, your breath halted in your throat.

“Oh,” you dumbly said.

“Seems like you did me a favor by coming here,” he mused, sighing as he ran a hand through his bangs. “Why can’t you sleep?”

“Thinking, again, about everything,” you crossed your thighs, body language signally how uncomfortable you were upon talking about these feelings.

“Your brain is going to cause you more grief if you don’t stop,” Levi’s spare hand grasped your chin gently, bringing your head up so you could look him in the eyes. “Why do you insist on being alone with these thoughts?”

“Captain, weren’t you just saying it’s a bad idea to have friends?” you could feel the pounding of your heart in your chest at his gesture, unsure of his intentions.

“Weren't you just talking about finding comfort in others?” Levi leaned down, you felt his breath against your lips as he spoke. “I’ve been paying attention to you for awhile, cadet.”

“You looked in my file, you told me already,” you whispered, unsure that if you spoke at full volume your voice wouldn’t quiver.

“No, I’ve been watching you. You’re not exactly quiet when you sneak out at night, y’know. I’ve seen you,” he hesitated briefly before continuing. “I’ve watched you cry all alone, how you try to distance yourself from the others. I was testing you yesterday, brat. I think I understand now, though.”

Your captain crouched down to meet you at eye level, fingertips never straying from your chin, and you felt your lip quiver as he rasped, “I understand, because I get it. You’ve always felt alone, haven't you?”

You nodded, scared to voice the truth, he continued, “I’m not going to explain myself to you, and if I hear a single word spoken about any of our conversations, I will personally sign your extermination paperwork. You’re different, you’re not like the others. You know what grief is, what pain and loss feels like. Your mission, your goals, it keeps driving you forward. Who couldn’t notice that?”

Levi scoffed, and you managed out a tiny, “Captain Levi.”

“Yes?”

“Why are you telling me this?” you could feel the harsh prick of tears try to escape your eyes, blinking furiously to not allow them to fall.

“Because,” he brushed back your hair behind your ear with his spare hand. “We’re exactly the same, and I can’t allow you to continue living like this, knowing where you’ll end up. Are you a virgin, cadet?”

“Yes,” you stuttered, thoroughly embarrassed.

“I am too,” Levi confessed, his eyes baring his soul. “I’m in my thirties, and I’ve never taken a woman to bed. All because of my mission.”

“My parents raised me to save myself for marriage,” your lips hung open. “But, they’re dead now, and I’ll probably never be married.”

“Cadet?” Levi’s hand came up from your chin to rest his palm against your cheek. “You talk about choices, you told me about how you never followed the path set for you. Why don’t you allow yourself some peace, some comfort? If not for yourself, for others, for your fellow comrades?”

“Are you asking to fuck me, sir?” your body felt heavy, uncomfortably numb but you couldn’t will yourself to move an inch, your mind was frazzled.

“I’m asking for permission to comfort you, both of us. I’m tired of being alone, aren’t you?” his face had fallen completely, and you were in awe of how open and raw Levi was.

You didn’t answer him, instead pushing his hands off of your face to capture his cheeks in your own hands, forcing your lips together. Fuck the world, fuck the titans, fuck every single thing that dared to bother you and your existence. You were tired, tired of denying yourself pleasures and comfort and basic human interaction. Who cared if you all died? Would it be for naught that you had never gotten to know your comrades? What would be the point in dying for your military if you didn’t have a motivation, a passion driving you? You were so fucking lonely, and Levi was too as he crashed his lips against yours, wrapping his long arms around your back to hold you closer.

You felt the older ravenette pull away for a moment, tugging his shirt over his head to reveal his scarred and muscular chest. You ran your fingers over his middle slowly, taking in every dip and every flex of his body. Levi was beautiful, and you felt honored that you were here in this moment, with a man who had heard more of your thoughts and feelings than any person before. He stopped your hands as they came to his pecks, pushing your arms high to remove your own shirt.

Your nipples hardened meeting the cold air, exposed now in the dim candle light. You didn’t dare cover yourself, nor did Levi let you get the chance. His hands were all over your chest within an instant, caressing and groping as his lips met yours once again. You hadn’t bothered to tell Levi that he was your first kiss, the first man to see you naked, the first man who had shown genuine interest in you and your body. Maybe you’d tell him later, but for now, you just wanted to quell the thoughts swarming your mind.

You stood quickly, maneuvering your lips to the side of his exposed neck. Your kisses were sweet, innocent and pure as Levi began to pull your shorts off, your panties accompanying the fabric. You kicked out of them as Levi grabbed the back of your head, groaning as he slammed your mouths together once more in an open kiss.

Your hands were everywhere on his skin, trying desperately to remember every single detail, knowing that this would most likely be a one time thing. You knew the risks of becoming entangled in a romantic relationship in the military, more so the scouts. Levi or you, or anyone, could die at any moment. This only motivated you further in your desire, ripping down his pants, mildly surprised to see your captain not wearing any underpants.

Levi breathily mumbled as he grasped your waist and led you flat on your back atop his bed, “I thought you were dead today.”

“I’m not, and neither are you,” you hushed his spoken thoughts with another passionate kiss. He tasted minty from his tea, smelled of woodsy musk from his obvious earlier shower, his touch so soft as he grazed your body up and down.

You felt his knees between your legs as he loomed over you, pushing apart your thighs at the force. His right hand stroked your cheek as his tongue prodded past your willing lips, swollen from his attention. His left hand ventured south, resting upon the curve of your hip, digging his fingers to feel the supple flesh.

“You’re quite beautiful, y’know,” he mirrored your earlier ministrations, placing sloppy kisses down your jaw and neck. “One of the reasons I was so fascinated by you, I couldn’t understand how you weren’t married.”

“Maybe in another life,” you simply put, attention drawn to how sinful his lips felt against your flushed skin. He sucked on a particularly sensitive spot, and a whimper left your lips at the contact. You could feel your center slicken, cold air consuming all of your exposed skin. Levi’s hand dared closer and closer to your desire, and you made out the distinguished poke of his manhood against your lower stomach.

When his fingertips nudged against your folds, Levi let out a groan of pleasure, “You’re so wet, cadet. I’ve barely touched you.”

“Captain, I need this,” you begged, your hands wrapping around his neck to pull him flush against you. “Please, distract me, make me forget.”

Levi felt no need to answer your pleads, instead allowing his fingers to familiarize himself with your most intimate of parts. His eyes stayed trained on yours, taking in every expression you made, one catching his focus immediately as his pointer finger circled the top of your folds. It felt like a button, and you started moaning desperately as he continued his circling.

“Feels good?” your captain asked, insecurity in the back of his mind.

“Yes,” you took your right hand away from Levi’s neck, grabbing his wrist that was in between your legs, dipping his fingers to your dripping entrance. “Need you here.”

He plunged his pointer and middle fingers in, and your velveteen walls clenched around him. You had pleasured yourself many times just like this, but the heightened pleasure of someone else’s knuckles deep inside you was incredible. No one had ever touched you like this before, looked at you so lovingly and so lustfully. His fingers scissored inside you, and you knew your patience would soon snap.

When Levi’s fingers curled upwards, you thought you were going to pass out. Your eyes screwed shut as loud mewls left your lips, Levi’s free hand covering your mouth. Your hips bucked upwards in his touch, hips rolling fast as your clit caught the fat of his palm. You could feel the familiar bubble of your climax, threatening to spill over as you arched your back.

Levi pulled his fingers from your weeping cunt then, so agonizingly slowly, “No, cadet. Not yet.”

You whined, pressure settling down in your abdomen as Levi took his soaking hand to his hard cock. You couldn’t believe that you hadn’t paid attention to his girth before, he was gorgeous. All the hard work and all the violence had sculpted your captain as if he were a statue. His length stood at full attention, pressed against his belly, his balls hanging in the free space between his thick thighs. You moaned at the sight of Levi stroking himself, seeing the glisten of your arousal coat him. He let out a strangled groan, before letting himself go, falling unceremoniously to capture your lips once again.

“You ready?” Levi asked permission, his kiss so sweet and tender, and you realized then the weight of all of this. You were about to lose your virginities to each other, he would forever hold a mark on you.

You smiled, so full of adoration, there wasn’t anyone else you’d rather be with right now as you spoke, “Yes, sir.”

Levi gripped the base of his dick, bumping the engorged head against your sensitive clit and through your folds as he coated himself more in your essence. You both knew this was going to hurt you, and had either of you not been in such a hurry, you’d take the time to mutually pleasure each other until your bodies were truly ready for this intimate act. There were no coherent thoughts in this moment, only pure passion and animalistic desire.

His tip sunk in, and you felt like you were going to be split in half. Your hands shot up to his arms, nails leaving half crescents on his biceps, your ankles hooking together on his ass as you tensed up at the pain.

“Relax,” he kissed your jaw with a groan. “Gonna’ take care of you.”

You nodded, focusing on his words instead of the pain. Your pelvic floor relaxed, and Levi was able to push himself deeper into your cavern.

“There’s no blood?” Levi questioned you curiously as he glanced down to where your bodies met, not moving even a centimeter to allow you to adjust.

The pain was quickly fading as you mumbled, “Probably broke my hymen on a goddamn horse.”

You both let out a breathy laugh, and Levi’s right hand came to stroke your cheek, pushing back your hair out of your face, “I’ll have to kill that horse then.”

You were rattling your brain for a witty response to your captain when Levi shifted, stroking his length backwards as your walls fluttered around him. Your face was no longer scrunched in pain, your eyebrows unfurrowed and your mouth hung open, feeling nothing but pleasure as his left hand shot to your pulsing pussy, thumbing your clit with the lightest of touches.

“Captain,” you stuttered, eyes rolling to the back of your head. “Feels good.”

“Yeah,” he pushed his forehead to yours, his own eyes closing as he pushed his cock back into your depths, so slowly.

You placed a gentle kiss to his lips for a brief moment, neck craning off the pillow under your head. You felt a cramp as he kissed you back, so gently and so softly. You moved your mouth to his jaw, peppering kisses along any exposed skin you reach.

His right hand stayed positioned to your face, his grey colored orbs opened, focusing on your face. You looked up then, and felt your heart hammering in your chest. Levi was so handsome, his eyebrows furrowed, eyes softened without the weight of reality crashing down on him.

“I’m glad it’s you,” your arms were still wrapped around his neck as you rubbed soft circles along the ridge of his undercut. His hips held such a passionate, steady rhythm as he continued plunging into you.

Levi didn’t respond, his hand angling your face to his again. Although unspoken, you could see in his face that he appreciated your words, his thrusts faster in pace now. You couldn’t stop the moans from exiting your throat, volume increasing as his thumb worked you with more pressure. He swallowed your noises with his lips, not even kissing, the two of you just breathing into one another’s mouth.

Suddenly the distance wasn’t close enough, Levi’s hand left the curve of your cheek to wrap his arm around the middle of your back, forcing your body completely against his sweating one. His lips began to work against yours, sloppy and messy as you kissed the man back with the same fever.

Levi’s pace was solid, deep and without error. Your hips tried desperately to meet his thrusts, his wrist in between your centers blocking you from doing so. Your captain didn’t even so much as warn you to stop, his thumb rolling faster against your now swollen clit, that same heat in your stomach rebuilding rapidly. The two of you were so lost in each other, your arms leaving his neck to wrap around his shoulders and forcing his head down to your neck where he lapped and peppered kisses to conceal his own moans. You did the same, lips attached to the curve where his muscular shoulder met his neck.

His touch was unrelenting, but you felt the unmistakable shutter as he plunged right to your cervix, goosebumps rising on his skin under your fingertips. You let out a muffled moan, your nails clawing at his back, your legs somehow tighter around his backside.

Levi’s thumb rubbed harder, so much faster now than his thrusts. Your pussy was fluttering rapidly now, clenching and unclenching around his girth, you were so close. You had a feeling your captain was as well, his pace increasing even faster.

“I’m cumming,” you pulled away from his shoulder to warn Levi, sucking the sensitive area of his neck.

Levi moaned in pleasure, bucking his hips hard into you, and this was what sent you over the edge. Levi couldn’t move even if he wanted to as your cunt gripped him so tightly, contracting so hard around his length. You could hear a string of curses and ‘ah’s from his lips as your hips bucked wildly into his hand, rubbing your clit along his stilled thumb. You’d had plenty of self given orgasms before, but feeling completely filled as your walls fluttered around something was a pleasure you knew you’d be seeking again.

Your teeth were sunk into his neck, and Levi was finally able to continue his strokes as your orgasm slowed, your body limping. His thumb started once more, and you were whimpering at the overstimulation, your contractions not even done. He was pounding into you now, growling into your neck, you could feel the sharp clench of his jaw dig into your shoulder. It didn’t take you more than a minute to build up another orgasm, and as the new waves of pleasure slammed into you, Levi was pulling out.

You came around nothing as Levi rutted into your stomach, feeling the smear of hot cum rub against your middles. He was bucking desperately, moaning and whimpering. The sounds he made paired with the nonstop movement of his thumb only heightened your pleasure, your left hand coming to caress the back of his head.

He removed his touch from you, taking his dripping hand to your waist as his thrusts against your stomach slowed. It crawled under your back to meet his other arm, and he placed sensual, slow kisses to your neck. You did the same, thanking him non verbally. His head lifted, eyes half lidded as he placed his lips to yours, locking them in a saccharine embrace. He pulled away after a few moments, sliding off of your sticky body and out of the bed. Your arms fell to your sides, and he slipped his pants on, avoiding the area of his lower stomach where his cum was drying quickly. He rushed to his dresser, pulling out a handkerchief and wiping himself down quickly, returning back to your body to clean your middle as well.

“You’ll probably need to shower,” Levi broke the silence as he pulled the rag away, his empty hand roaming the curve of your side.

“Probably,” you mumbled in bliss, enjoying his light touch. “I’ll get up in just a minute.”

“You could stay,” Levi offered awkwardly, halting his movements.

“It’s okay, I think I want to be alone,” you smiled, your brain foggy. “Also don’t need rumors to start up if anyone sees me leaving your room in the morning.”

Levi only hummed as you pulled your naked body to a full stand, reaching for your discarded clothes. You pulled your long sleeve over your head first, the edges brushing against the tops of your thighs, stepping into your panties and shorts quickly. The silence was almost overwhelming, neither of you sure of what exactly to say.

“Captain Levi,” you finally spoke, ready to depart. “Thank you.”

He grabbed your wrist, pulling your body to his with no real force, kissing you passionately. You kissed him back hungrily, and had you been more experienced, you would’ve felt the flicker of sparks deep within your stomach, a signal of unconscious feelings sprouting within you.

You pulled away from him, a smile playing at your lips as he spoke raspily, “You know where to go if you don’t want to be alone.”

You threaded your fingers through his open palm, bringing his knuckles to your lips as you placed a soft peck to the back of his hand, “I will, Captain. Goodnight.”

The heat of the sun beat harshly on your back, your body in a full ache as you dodged a punch from Eren. You went to lift your leg into a kick, a yelp leaving your lips at the feeling that you were going to rip in half, and quickly shifted your hips to plan a new attack. Thankfully, your fake out worked, seeing Eren prepare himself for your leg, not for your first to go flying into his gut.

With a loud groan of pain, Eren laid flat on his back in the dirt. Your chests heaved, sweat dripping down your skin, and you extended your palm to the younger boy. You had won this spar, and Eren huffed as he smacked his hand away playfully.

“I had you last time! I can’t believe I lost again!” he complained, eyebrows furrowed as he screwed his eyes shut in a fit.

You laughed then, crossing your arms over your chest, “You got lucky, Jaeger.”

Around the two of you, all the cadets were still in their own sparring matches. Even in your weary state, you had been the first match finished, and you feel a swell of pride. You were getting stronger, more fit to survive the harsh reality of this world.

“Cadets,” Captain Levi made himself known then, stepping forward from the row of squad leaders, unbeknownst to you and Eren he had been watching with a trained eye the entire fight.

“Captain!” you saluted, Eren lazily following along silently.

Levi’s eyes lingered over you for a minute, before shifting his attention to Eren before scoffing, “Pathetic, Jaeger. You need to work on your form.”

You tried desperately to hide a smirk, eyes lit up in amusement as Eren frowned deeply, sighing, trying not to lash out on your superior. Levi continued, “Cadet, good job.”

“Thank you, Captain,” you smiled brightly, now trying to conceal the oncoming heat of your blush flaming up your neck, licking the tips of your ears.

“However, never let your guard down after you think you’ve won.”

The sound of your skull cracking into the ground beneath you sent your vision in a dizzy frenzy. Levi hovered over you, and you could make out the lingering feeling of his boot hitting your stomach, causing you to lay flat on your back. The sun was high in the sky today, not a single cloud in view or whisk of wind felt.

“Ow,” you heaved, bringing yourself into a seated position, hunched over. “What was that for?”

“You can’t always predict what a titan’s next move is going to be,” Levi cooly explained, crouching down to meet your eye level. “This is how you fucked up, both times, with an abnormal. You have to pay attention. You can’t let yourself get caught up in a victory. Understood, brat?”

You nodded, feeling your ears grow hot as multiple sets of eyes watched on in curiosity, “Yes, sir.”

“I’ll see you in my office after dinner for your punishment,” his eyes twinkled, a hint of a smirk on the corner of his lips. “Cockiness is not befitting for a brat like you.”

You groaned, biting your tongue to hold back words you knew would come across as disrespectful. You didn’t see what you did to deserve a punishment, but you huffed as Levi strolled away, yelling at Eren about something. Probably about his smirk when he watched you fall on your ass.

Turns out your punishment was anything but, instead a much rougher fucking left your body nearly in shambles. This became a routine, instead of traveling outside to stare at the stars and lose yourself in your thoughts, Levi’s body became your comfort, your relief. He felt the same, pouring his loneliness into your willing body as he claimed you night after night, week after week.

He’d tell you sometimes in the afterglow of your orgasms that this was strengthening the squad, this was for the betterment of the scouts. Because what better way was there to build trust? You’d listen half heartedly, knowing this was all an excuse to rationalize why you continued seeking each other’s comfort.

Levi was soon fiercely protective of you, and you unconsciously him. This was reinforced after the 57th expedition failed horribly, the faces of your deceased squad members haunting your dreams every night. Levi would hold you as you sobbed through the nightmares. It hurt, so fucking much. Levi would whisper to you that you just had to keep moving forward. You would nod your head and listen. Your captain knew best, and you were finding it harder every passing day to pretend that he didn’t.

You didn’t try to make sense of your relationship, just letting it exist. Some days you’d push him away, others you’d pull the ravenette closer to your body. Caught between wanting to leave the man you’d realized you’d fallen in love with, or go into hiding away from the military with Levi and marry the son of a bitch. You liked to think he felt the same, his words few, but his acts spoke volumes of his feelings.

And when you laid limp on the battlefield, titan corpses steaming around you, your breaths shallow as your tired body began to prepare to shut down, you smiled. Everything all at once came flooding to you as you stared up at the sky, completely alone.

You blinked at the clouds, painted so pretty in pinks and oranges at the setting sun. You could hear your name being screamed somewhere in the distance, the voice vaguely familiar. You felt relief wash over you as the large open wound on your stomach gushed an unbelievable amount of blood. Full of shock, your adrenaline keeping your pain at bay, you thought humorously that you had no idea you had that much blood running through your body.

Raven hair and charcoal eyes entered your hazy vision, and you kept that smile on your face. Your fingers reached up, reaching Levi’s soaking cheek, not being able to tell if it was because of blood, or tears. You smoothed your thumb under his eye, and you were being lifted. You couldn’t hear his words, only the dullness of sound as the world continued to slow around you.

You stared at the clouds, completely at peace. You had conquered your biggest fear, growing close to another, just to lose them. Images of Levi flashes before your eyes, his stoic expression, his commanding leadership, his sensual caresses, his passionate kisses as he poured all of his feelings out for you. You loved him, you realized. You were so happy that you got to experience this in this lifetime.

The colors of the sky blurred together, and you could feel the wind whisk around you as Levi shot off on his odm gear. You were finally flying in the clouds.

LACHERI © 2021: all writing content belongs to LACHERI. I do not allow reposts or translations. this is my only account.

[literaila]

this vast empty space

spencer reid x reader

request: I’ve had this idea floating in my head after watching some One Tree Hill and Criminal Minds one day👀 what if the reader and Spencer have a child together but things are getting a little rocky with reader and Spence and they’re arguing so Spencer spends a lot of time at JJ’s with his child and JJ’s kids and one day the reader doesn’t let her child do something so they get mad and say they wish JJ was their mom🥺 but somehow a fluffy ending? Idk🗿 

warnings: angsty. panic attacks. me. its super duper long...um...depression symptoms...fighting....thats all.............enjoy!

“You’re taking her over to JJ’s?” 

There was this distance. 

There was an impenetrable wall. It was standing between the two of them, blocking their eyes, blocking their bodies from ever touching, from ever looking at one another. 

There was this wall. 

It was stuck between them, stuck standing there keeping them from each other, stuck living next to them, living with them, breathing in their space. 

This distance, this wall, this irritable thing standing between the two of them forcing them apart, forcing an uncomfortable feeling over their house, over their relationship, over their family. 

It was unavoidable. 

It was impossible to remove. 

“Yeah,” Spencer said, not making eye contact, not even saying the words in her direction, just tying their daughter's shoes, too focused on her to even spare a glance at Y/N. “I thought a playdate with Henry would be fun.” 

She watched small hands wrap around his neck, watched him gently pick up their daughter, still avoiding looking at her. She watched her daughter whisper in his ear, watched him smile at her. She watched her daughter's eyes light up at him. 

She watched and she felt like she was far far away from them. 

“When will you guys be back?” Y/N asked quietly, standing, vulnerable, in their doorway, standing just watching the two people she loved the most get ready to leave, getting ready to leave without her. 

Playing with her sweater, moving it over her hands as to hide herself, as to feel smaller, she stared at the floor waiting for them to walk out. 

There was this feeling, a feeling that rested around her body like a blanket, a feeling that made her feel like she wasn't supposed to be there, made her feel like she was just a spare piece, that they didn't need her. 

She didn't want them to walk out the door. 

“We’ll probably stay the night,” Spencer said, still not looking at her, he hadn't been looking at her recently, his voice was a void of numbness, his tone nonchalant, never caring. “I don't want her to stay up too late.” 

Y/N looked up and stared at his back, she stared at her daughter who was smiling at him, she felt a small grin on her face. She felt her mood lift just a little bit, felt the blanket fall just a couple of inches off her shoulder. She was lucky that her daughter couldn't feel the space between them, she was lucky her daughter hadn't caught on yet. 

She was lucky she had a happy little girl. 

Y/N made a small grunt of acknowledgement, made a quiet noise that she hoped wasn't showing her displeasure in the situation, she kept her mouth shut so they wouldn't yell at each other again. She sighed gently, already exhausted, and walked over to the pair. She walked over and got closer to Spencer than she had been in days, she could feel his body heat reflecting off of hers. 

She felt so uncomfortable. She felt so out of place in her own home.

She smiled at her daughter, smiled at the crinkles around her eyes, and the dream-like gaze she had in her eyes, and ran a gentle hand over her face, moving the curly brown hair out of Fayre’s eyes. She poked her cheek, searching for the dimples she knew would show up. 

“I’ll miss you, Fay. Be back tomorrow?” She asked, repeating the words her daughter had said to her multiple times, repeating the words that always seemed to comfort Fayre. Y/N hoped they would comfort her. 

“Be back tomorrow, Momma.” 

Y/n gave her another smile, hoping the sadness she felt wasn't showing in her eyes. She kissed Fayre’s head gently.

“Okay.” She said moving away from the two of them, trying to not let her chest fall at the thought of them leaving for the night. She looked over at Spencer, who was staring at the floor still avoiding her eyes, and she felt her smile fade from her face. “Bye Spence. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” 

Spencer nodded. He walked over to the door and grabbed his bag. With Fayre on his shoulder he opened the door, Y/N watched Fayre wave happily at her, calling “Bye Momma!” as Spencer walked away. 

She watched Spencer not even glance back at her.

Y/N watched them leave. 

***

Weeks was a brief way to put it. 

The distance between Y/N and Spencer. 

Y/N wasn't sure when she had decided to start picking fights, to start bickering with him every moment they were together, to bicker with him until they were openly fighting with each other. 

She wasn't sure when that had started. 

She can remember the fight that it had all begun with. 

She can remember telling Spencer she was thinking about resigning from the BAU.

She can remember how surprised she was when he got mad. 

She couldn't remember anything after that. 

But there was a tension, a distinct tension between the two, that had put them both into defensive mode. The tension had made them disagree with anything the other said, and the few times they had been able to talk out their problems, those couple of times, the tension was always there the next day. 

The tension eventually turned into distance. 

And then Spencer was leaving the house for longer, he was spending more time in his office, he was sleeping at JJ’s.

He had started sleeping at JJ’s. He couldn't stand to stay with her, to sleep in the same room with her, so he went to his best friend. So he left.

Y/N usually stayed home with Fayre, usually spent their time off taking care of her daughter. 

It seemed like they couldn't even be in the same room for ten minutes without fighting. They couldn't even have a conversation about the doctor's appointment Fayre had next week without arguing about something completely useless. 

Y/N hated it.

She hated it so much. She hated that she never got the opportunity to talk to her husband. She hated that they hadn't spent time as a family, all together, in the past couple of months the fighting had been going on. She hated that when they were working when they were helping each other on a cause, she hated the distance that rested between them. 

She hated not talking to him.

She hated not seeing him smile. 

She missed cuddling with him. 

She missed absolutely everything about him. 

But she didn't know what to do. 

Should she talk to him? Apologize? Explain to him how she felt? Would that do any good, or would it just cause another fight between the two of them, another layer in the wall they were constructing? 

She didn't know what to do. 

She wasn't sure if there was anything left for the two of them. Wasn't sure if there was anything she could say without it ending in a fight. 

Spencer was sleeping at JJ’s.

So she spent time with her daughter. She basked in the love that her daughter offered her free of charge. She spent her days coloring with her, making cupcakes, and taking her to the park. She spent her days playing with old toys, watching Disney movies, and talking to Fayre about anything that was going on in her 3-year-old mind. She loved every second she got to spend happily with her little girl. 

But when Spencer wanted to see her, when Spencer wanted to be the good Dad that he always had been, when Spencer wanted to spend him with their daughter and still had to actively avoid Y/N while doing it… Those days Y/N spent alone. 

She spent those days alone cleaning their house, cleaning her daughter's room and Spencer’s office, doing laundry, and reorganizing anything she could, she spent those days going to buy more groceries and catching up on things that she had meant to do months ago. She spent those days in her house, surrounded by things that just reminded her of how much she loved her family, surrounded by things that just filled her with doubt and hopelessness. 

She spent those days alone. 

She pretended that everything was the same as it was months ago, that she and Spencer still felt desperately in love every waking moment, that their small family was as content as could be, she pretended that she didn't feel the numbness in her chest when she wasn't doing something, she pretended that it was all the same. 

And she was happy. 

She pretended for her daughter, she didn't want her daughter to grow up in a home where everyone was sad, she didn't want her daughter to learn that being happy isn't normal for most people. She pretended for Spencer too, because she knew, she had always known, that even when they were fighting, even with the distance between them keeping them so so far away, she knew that if she said a word, if she voiced her doubts, Spencer would be there in a flash. 

He would hold her and reassure her that everything was okay, he would tell her that he loved her. 

And she wasn't so sure that was true. 

She wasn't sure if Spencer still felt tied to her. If he still felt his heartburn with the adoration he had for her. She wasn't even sure if Spencer still wanted to try and change. 

But he was a good person, and he was an amazing husband, and there was nothing he wouldn't do for his family. Including lie. 

So she didn't say a word. 

She just pretended. Just pretended everything was fine. 

Everything was just fine. 

***

It had been days. 

Days since she’d seen Spencer, days since they’d both been in the same room, days since she had yelled at him, had yelled harsher and angrier than she ever thought she could be. Days since she’d talked to him. 

JJ was their saving grace. 

JJ texted Y/N, and came to pick up Fayre so Spencer could see her, JJ spent time with her husband and her daughter, JJ spent every day with Spencer and didn't tell Y/N anything about him, only gave her a small pitiful smile every time she saw her, JJ who had Spencer sleeping over at her house. 

Y/N didn't know how to feel. 

Sometimes she worried she didn't feel anything. 

She could only hear the yelling in her head, could only remember how sore her throat had been the next day, could only remember the fury in Spencer's eyes, could only remember the way he slammed the door, could only remember the words she’d said to him. 

“She’s my daughter!” 

Spencer sighed and moved past her to their dresser, he was packing more clothes, more clothes so he could leave again, so he could leave and go back to JJ’s. He still wouldn't look at her. 

“Spencer. She's my daughter and I don't want her gone every other night!” 

Y/N wasn't sure when she had started yelling, wasn't sure when she had gotten so angry. She only knew that there was a knife digging into her chest, a knife that was digging under her skin, a knife that was begging her to fight back, a knife that was fueling her rage, she was angry, she was so so angry. 

And Spencer didn't seem to care. He didn't seem to say anything to her, he only let her yell at him while he walked around the room getting all the things he thought he would need. He wouldn't look at her, and he wouldn't pay her words any mind, and it was infuriating. 

The knife only dug deeper with every ignored statement Y/N made. 

“Spencer, are you even going to look at me? Do you even care?”

And with that Spencer turned around, he turned around quickly, his entire body tense and stiff. 

Y/N felt her breath catch at the look on his face. 

He was angry. She could see that clearly in his eyes, his face looked about to break, looked ready to throw everything he had at her, the anger that looked infused into his eyes scared her, the tension in his jaw made her back away from him. 

She’d never seen him angry like that. 

“Of course I care Y/N! I can't look at you because I can't bear to see the person that thought we weren't good enough- you thought I wasn't good enough! I don't want to look at you!” 

The knife retracted at his words, pulled out of her, scared by the reaction, a reaction she had never expected. The knife- the anger -wasn't prepared for him to be mad at her, it wasn't prepared for him to get angry, to actually react to the words she’d been saying. 

Y/N was counting on the fact that he had been ignoring her. 

She took a minute to think, to take in his words, to think about everything he had said, everything that he hadn't said in the weeks they’d been distant, the knife retracted, and she thought. 

She thought she thought

And then the knife plunged back into her. 

Deeper. 

“She's my fucking daughter Spencer! I’m sorry that I’m her mom and you don't want to deal with me but nothing can change that now! You should at least have the decency to talk to me about her!” She spat the words at him, flung them like weapons, like acid that was going to burn his skin, to burn him to nothing. 

She didn't care, she didn't care about his reaction, she didn't care if he was mad at her, she didn't care what he thought, she didn't care that they were fighting, all she cared about was making him see, making him feel the way she’d felt for months. 

Like everything was her fault. 

“You can leave me all you want Spencer!” she screamed at him, her face red, her hands shaking, her entire body rocking with the force of her emotions, the knife digging, she screamed at him angrily, desperately “You can leave if you don't want to be here! But Fayre will not leave, this is her home. She wants to be here!” 

And Spencer stared at her shocked, stared at her as he had never seen her before, had never ever met her, he just looked at her like she was someone he couldn't recognize. 

Y/N didn't know what he was thinking, didn't know if his shocked face was because of her words, or because of the yelling she had always tried to keep in. She stared at him, she stared at him and suddenly felt like she was crazy like she shouldn't have even been there, she stared at him and she could feel herself shrink in size. She could feel the knife disappear, and be replaced with an empty hole that filled her. 

Spencer suddenly walked out of the room. 

Y/N took a moment, took a moment to process what had happened, took a moment to recognize the hole that was now in her body, she moved her hands to her chest as to feel for it, as to make sure it wasn't actually there. 

She couldn't feel anything. 

After that moment she stormed for the door, stormed to go find Spencer, stormed because she wasn't ready for him to give up, to just leave once again. 

She stormed out of their room and she was met with a door about to close, a tiny hand she could see through the crack. 

She stared as the door slammed, more harsh and more final than any words she had screamed. 

She stared and watched her daughter leave with her husband. 

She felt her heart rush, and her head filled with air and, 

There was a hole in her chest and she was trying to grab it, trying to find it trying to trying to, 

There was nothing there but the empty house she was stuck in. 

JJ had brought her back the next day. Had given her that sad smile, and then left. 

Y/N wondered why her husband wasn't back. 

She wondered why he wasn't coming back. 

She wondered if he would ever come back. 

So did Fayre. Every day it was the same question “Where's Daddy?” which was answered with a blank “I don't know little love. I’m sure he’ll be home soon.” and then “Be back tomorrow Momma?” which was asked after a couple of days. And the same answer was always “I don't know Fayre.”

Because Y/N had no clue. She had no idea what her husband was doing, no idea when he was coming back, no idea when he wanted to see their daughter, no idea what to do. 

She caught glances of him at work. The team had been under strict orders for only in state cases, enforced by Strauss, and so there was nowhere else she could see him. But there were moments. There were moments when he was there, but Hotch had told her he had requested to finish his work at him, had requested to stay out of the office for a while, and Hotch had agreed. He’d even looked shocked when Y/N asked if he knew where Spencer was. 

Because she was supposed to know. 

But she didn't. 

There were moments where she saw him come into the office, small moments where she only got glimpses of his hair, of one of his vests. Little moments that reassured her that he was still there, that he hadn't left completely.

She prepared herself for the news that he had resigned, news that there was somewhere else Spencer was going, prepared herself so much. She had told him to go, told him to leave her, why wouldn't he? 

She prepared herself for the inevitable news she had set herself up for. 

But it hasn't come yet. 

Instead, she had gotten news of a party, one that Rossi was throwing, a celebration for whatever reason he had proclaimed. She’d gotten the news, and she’d been told that she had to go, that there was no backing out. 

And she’d agreed. 

Besides, it would be good for her to get out of the house, to go somewhere with her friends where she wasn't constantly looking up from her desk for something. 

She’d been told to take Fayre, told that Jack and Henry and Micheal would all be there, that her little girl should go have fun with them. 

She’d agreed.

But she knew that taking Fayre would mean passing her off, would mean giving her to Spencer so that they could spend more time together. 

She’d been in a mood all morning because of it. 

It had started with breakfast, which she had burned while helping Fayre get dressed, and then it was the loud TV playing while she wasn't trying to finish up some paperwork, and then it was the headache that was burning her eyes, and then it was packing up Fayre’s things. 

She felt so overwhelmed, felt so nervous to see Spencer for the first time, felt so sad that she was going to have to go home without her daughter. 

She felt like she was doing everything wrong, felt like she couldn't even keep her family together, couldn't even keep her daughter happy for one day without Spencer. 

She felt like she shouldn’t have to do any of it without Spencer, felt so angry that he was forcing her to pass their daughter off like she was a present. 

She felt so so overwhelmed. 

But she had to keep a smile on her face, she had to let her husband be a good Dad, she had to let her daughter spend time with her favorite person in the world, and she had to be happy while she did it. Her daughter deserved a happy Mother. She deserved everything. 

She didn't deserve what was happening to her parents. 

When it was finally time to leave Y/N could feel the nerves bunch up from her feet to the tip of her head, she felt them collect together like a bunch of bugs crawling up her skin, and she felt like she was going to puke. 

She could see Spencer. She could. It was the first time in days, the first time she would ever have to directly talk to him. But she could do it. She could she could. 

She wasn't sure. 

She helped Fayre pack the last of her clothes, grabbed the couple of things she hadn't put in her bag earlier when she heard crying come from the other room. 

Immediately she prepared herself for the worst, she felt desperate to get it to stop. 

She walked into their living room and saw her daughter sitting on the floor trying to put her shoes on. Tears were running down Fayre’s face as she messed with the laces, as she tried to remember what her Dad had done for her so many times. She looked up at her Mom and whined. 

Y/N went over to her, sad to see her crying on the floor, sad to see her crying over something that she could’ve just asked for help for. 

“Daddy always do it. I don't how to.” Fayre said angry, her words coming out rushed, skipping over the words she had not yet learned how to say. She was pulling at the strings harder, and Y/N tried to move her hands away from the laces so she couldn't hurt herself. 

That was when she started yelling. 

“No! No!” she said as she hit Y/N’s hands away, as she pushed her away. 

“Fayre. It's okay, just help me, help sweetheart.” 

“No! Daddy always do it! Daddy do it! Not Momma!” she was opening yelling, the tears streaming down her red face as she threw her hands up, not sure how to express her emotions. 

“Let Momma do it once, it's okay sweetie we can do it.” 

Y/N could feel herself getting more frustrated, could feel the nerves still collecting in her body, she didn't know what to do, and she didn't feel like she could deal with a breakdown from her daughter right now. 

Not when she was inches away from having one herself. 

She tried to take a deep breath, tried to calm herself down, and remind herself that Fayre was only three, that she was confused, and she missed her dad, and that she needed to be calm with her. 

“Fayre, I’m sorry sweetie, Daddy’s not here. Let me help and we can go see him.” Y/N said calmly, kneeling in front of her daughter who was looking at her angrily. 

“No! Daddy! Not you! Don't want you!” Fayre said as she got up, her shoes still untied, as she tried to run for the door. 

Y/N could feel her anger go up. 

“Fayre Diana. Don't run away.” Y/N said sternly.

Her daughter was crying and screaming, and banging on the door desperately like she was trying to get out, she was yelling so loud, and Y/N’s head was pounding. And her daughter was upset, and she was upset and she didn't know what to do. 

What should she do what should she do? 

She felt the anger rush up into her head, flashing her eyes red, she felt herself hit her breaking point, felt everything coming to her at once, felt so done, so tired and she just wanted it to stop. 

“Fayre! Daddy isn't here! I need you to listen to me!” she yelled, moving over to her daughter who was too small to resist Y/N picking her up. Fayre kicked and tried to push her away as Y/N walked over to their couch. 

“We won't go if you don't let me help you.” She said, no longer yelling, but her voice with much more power. 

And Fayre stared at her, her eyes wide and almost sad, she stared at her and she started to cry even more. 

Y/N watched as her daughter's eyes welled up in tears, as her daughter was hyperventilating, so sad, and so little, she felt herself breaking at the sight. 

And she tried to grab her arm, trying to do anything to calm her down. 

“No! I don't want you!” Fayre screamed pushing Y/N away, pushing her away and looking at her angrily. “I want JJ! You not nice! JJ!” 

And everything stopped. 

Everything just stopped. 

Y/N could feel everything drain from her body, all her emotions all her thought all her organs, she felt it all fall away from her, felt her heart crack into so many pieces it was practically dust because 

She wasn't good enough

She wasn't enough

She wasn't 

She wasn't

I want JJ!

I want JJ!

I want 

I want

JJ

Her daughter didn't want her, and her husband didn't want her, and she didn't want her, and there was nothing there was nothing

There was so much

She felt everything collapse from within and she couldn't find the words, didn't know how to breathe, didn't know how to remove the air that was filling her body, didn't know how to breathe 

How do you breathe how do you-

She wasn't good enough. 

She wasn't good. 

She wasn't. 

She. she she. 

There was nothing left of her. 

Nothing but the ashes that were barely enough to fill her feet, let alone the hole that was left within her body, the hole that had been building up for weeks. 

There was nothing. 

Everything stopped. 

Everything just stopped. 

And she stared at her daughter, her daughter who wasn't saying anything, barely even looked like she was breathing, and she stared at her and. 

Everything started again. 

Fayre was looking at her, tears running down her cheeks, and Y/N watched as she came over and hugged her legs, she watched as Fayre listed out apologizes, watched as she looked up at her, sad by the tears running down her Moms cheeks. 

She didn't know what to do. 

She didn't she didn't. 

She ignored it. 

She ignored it. 

Nothing had happened nothing was happening, she was whole she was completely there, there was nothing wrong. 

Nothing had happened. 

They were going to be late. 

***

She stood there numb. 

Numb as she watched her daughter laugh with Spencer and JJ. 

She stood there and she felt nothing at all. 

She watched her friends dance and laugh and play games, she watched the kids run around Rossi’s yard, giggly and happy as could be. 

She watched everyone else enjoy themselves, and she couldn't feel anything. 

She didn't know what she was supposed to feel. 

Was she supposed to be sad? Sad that her daughter considered JJ a better mom than she did Y/N?

Was she supposed to be angry? Angry that Fayre had adapted to JJ’s house so much that she thought she was better?

Was she supposed to be annoyed? Or heartbroken? Was she supposed to frustratingly yell at JJ, to yell at Spencer?

Was there something she was supposed to feel? Something she was supposed to do. 

She didn't know.

All she knew was the numbness she’d been submerged in, the numbness that had taken over her body when it had fallen to pieces, fallen apart on her living room floor, the numbness that put clouds in her brain, clouds that forced her to think but not to feel.

Was there something she was supposed to be feeling?

She didn't feel anything. 

She just watched, she watched Hotch laugh with the boys, and Derek talk with Emily and Penelope pull funny faces to make Fayre laugh. She watched as JJ stood with her arms wrapped around Will, watched as Rossi grilled something and yelled out things. 

She watched all of them feel. 

She didn't dare look at Spencer. 

When she had arrived with Fayre, immediately she’d let her run to her Father, let her go hug him desperately, and had not let herself spare a glance at him. She didn't want to see him and she didn't want to think about how he had left, about how he had taken her advice, about how their daughter would be so much better off with a mom who knew what she was doing. 

She didn't want to think about all the ways she had disappointed her family. 

She didn't want to think at all. 

So she didn't look at him, didn't watch him the way she always did, didn't say a single word to him. She wouldn't allow herself that. 

She was looking down at the pavement when Derek came over to her. 

“Hey Pretty Girl,” he said, as he stood next to her, holding out a drink for her, which she took nonchalant as she looked back at the ground. 

“Hey,” she said quietly, her voice void of emotion, her body void of everything. 

“Hey, what's wrong?” he asked, moving his head down so he could get a look at her face. 

She looked up at his words, her neck snapping at the question. 

“Nothing,” she said, looking in his eyes, which were glazed with concern.

“What's going on Pretty girl? You’ve been standing here alone all night?” Derek said, putting a reassuring arm on her shoulder. 

She didn't feel a thing. 

“Nothings going on. I’m just tired,” she said, again, looking back at the ground. She was tired of thinking. 

‘Y/N.” Derek said, moving her chin so she was looking in his eyes again. “Seriously, what's wrong?” 

Y/N stayed silent, willed her body to feel nothing, to think nothing, because there was nothing wrong, there was nothing wrong. 

She looked back down. 

“Alright.” Derek sighed, taking the drink he had given her from her hand and setting it down on a nearby table. He grabbed her hand and led her away from the party, away from everything else. She wondered where they were going. 

When they finally stopped at a small garden farther into Rossi’s backyard Derek halted and turned to stare at her again. 

“What's going on with you and Spencer?” 

Y/N felt herself crack at that. Felt the numbness drain only a smidge, from her body, felt her staring at Derek urgently, felt her mind trying to run again. 

“Nothing. There's nothing.” She said quickly, her words jumbled, her heart racing. 

“You think I haven't noticed the way you two have been acting recently? He's been staring at you all night, and you haven't said a word to anyone. Something is going on. What is it?” 

She looked down, surprised by his words, emotion was filling her body but she was begging herself to just keep it out, to just not feel anything. 

She didn't want to feel anything. 

“Derek I-” and she broke. Her body was flooded with memories and thoughts and emotions, and she could feel the dam breaking in her eyes and she felt everything all at once and she just wanted it to stop. She didn't want to feel any of it. Why wouldn't it just stop?

Derek pulled her into his chest. He pulled her in tight and rubbed her back and she tried to calm herself down, as she tried to keep in all the emotions her body was begging her to let out. 

“Shh, Pretty Girl... It’ll be alright. Just breathe.” He said as she rested her cheek on her chest, as she felt her body start to panic, her mind started to buzz with the overwhelming feeling. 

What would she do? Her daughter didn't want her. Her daughter didn't want her. Her daughter had said she didn't want her and she didn't know what to do what would she do her daughter didn't didn't want her- 

“Fayre said she wanted JJ.” she cried out desperately, the words tumbling out of her like an avalanche, she could feel herself still panicking, she could feel the buzzing of her brain flow to the rest of her body. What would she do-

“What do you mean.” 

“Fayre,” she breathed, “she said that I- I was mean.” she gasped and more tears rolled down her cheeks like rocks falling “and that- she wanted JJ- not-” her body was buzzing in the panic that had contained her “not me,” she said and she cried. She cried against her friend as her family was only a short distance away, as her family had no idea how worthless, how broken she was. 

Derek just let her cry. He let her sob out different words, he looked down at her concerned, wondering when she had fallen apart. Wondered why he was the one comforting her instead of her husband, her husband who was only 100 feet away. 

The panic was still there, still shaking her heart back and forth, still buzzing loud in her brain, but she was breathing, she had gotten the words out, the terrifying words that she so desperately wanted to pretend didn't exist. 

She was starting to breathe. 

Why did she have to feel anything? 

Derek held her, held her close, held her because that was what she needed, she needed her husband but she needed something she needed someone. 

He listened as she gasped out her last sob, as her crying started to slow down. 

He moved back. He kept his hands on her shoulder as she looked up at him. 

She looked so small, her eyes bloodshot, her face pale, she looked like a little kid who had no idea what to do, she looked so small standing there with him. 

“Are you alright?” he asked as he searched her face. 

She took a shaky breath as she said “Thank you. Better now.” 

She didn't think she had the energy to say anything else. 

***

It was time to go. It was time to go back to her house, her empty house, it was time to go back to her numbness, which was empty, just like her house. 

They were quite the pair. 

It was time to say goodbye to Fayre, time to send her off with her Dad, and with JJ who didn't disappoint the two of them. 

In a way, Y/N was thankful to JJ, because she knew that JJ would take care of her family, she knew that JJ would be there for them if they needed anything. She knew that if she couldn't make them happy, at least JJ could. 

She tried to ignore the envy she felt towards JJ. She tried to ignore the anger she wanted to feel. She knew it wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault that she didn't disappoint. 

It was Y/N’s.

At least she thought at least they have someone. 

She just wanted them to be happy. 

It was time to say goodbye, as everyone started heading towards their cars, tired and ready to go home, Fayre walked over to her mom, her smile shining bright as she led Spencer towards Y/N. 

They were walking over to Y/N together, Fayre pulling her dad along, pulling him over to her. He was coming over, he was coming over. Y/N didn't let her heart feel anything, she didn't let her eyes drift toward him. 

“Momma!” Fayre yelled excitedly, throwing herself into Y/N’s arms. 

“Hi, baby.” Y/N said quietly, looking at her beautiful daughter, staring at the one relief she had from it all. “Did you have fun?” She said softly. 

“Yeah, Momma! We did games, and Daddy did trick!” She was much too loud and excited for the late hour, but Y/N was happy to see her so full of energy, so alive. 

“Did he?” 

“Yeah! And he said do more!” she was smiling over at her dad, but Y/N didn't take her eyes off of Fayre. 

“More later?” she said quietly, her mood only slightly deflated at the thought of them leaving. 

“Yeah!” Y/N kept a smile on her face, kept her smile, but couldn't change the disappointment stuck in her eyes, she smiled at Fayre and kissed her on the cheek. 

“You go with Daddy alright? Be back tomorrow?” Y/N said, laughing a little at the words. She had given up, given up on trying to stop the tears stinging at her eyes. She was smiling at her daughter, but she felt like sobbing against her. 

Just another way to disappoint the two of them. 

“Why sad Momma?” Fayre asked, her little hand rubbing Y/N’s cheek as she wiped away the one tear she had let go. Y/N wished she wasn't as smart as she was. 

“I’m not sad little love,” She said, feeling her voice crack at the lie, at the words she’d been trying to believe were true. She sighed softly and smiled sadly at her daughter. “Just tired.” 

Fayre was still looking at her with a furrow in her brows, still staring at her confused. “Don't sad Momma.” 

Y/N laughed bitterly at the words, committing them to memory for later. 

“Alright, Fay. I won't. Be back tomorrow?” she asked once again. 

Fayre wrapped her little arms around Y/N’s neck, squeezing tight like she was trying to make everything better. “Be back tomorrow Momma.” She said as Y/N put her down and pushed her gently towards Spencer. 

Spencer, who'd she’d almost forgotten, was there. She gave herself one opportunity, one look, one look to just see him. And she looked in his eyes, she looked at his face that looked so sad, his eyes that were staring right at hers concerned. She looked at his face that looked almost regretful. 

She looked away. 

She felt her heart beat faster, reminding her of the love she was trying to keep away from him. 

She waved at Fayre one more time, blew her a kiss. 

This time she walked away first. 

She couldn't bear to see them leave again. 

***

She was up late at night when there was a knock. 

Quiet, quick, almost as if whoever was there knew she would still be up. 

She hadn't been sleeping well. She felt words swirling around her head, memories of the things she didn't want to think about popping up at random points. 

She couldn't stop her brain. 

She couldn't get numb again. 

But there was a knock. 

She looked at the safe in her closet, wondering if she should grab her gun, just in case. 

In the end, she’d decided against it. If it was someone bad would they have broken in?

She walked towards the door, turning on the lights, and unlocking it. 

She hadn't expected to see her husband standing on the other side. 

She hadn't expected to see Spencer looking at her. 

She hadn't expected to see relief in his eyes. 

She hadn't expected him to talk to her.

“You’re awake,” he said, almost in awe, almost like he wasn't sure, quiet. 

Y/N just stared at him. 

It was the first time she had looked him in the eyes without any hesitation for weeks. It was the first time she had looked into his eyes without nerves running up and down her spine, without feeling like she had to be ashamed for looking at him. 

She felt her heart beat faster. 

“Spence.” she breathed out. 

He gently grabbed her hand, gently moved her out of the way so he could get through the door, he gently let her hand go and moved to take off his shoes. 

He was taking off his shoes. 

Y/N just watched him, wondering if she was dreaming, if she was dreaming about him coming back home, wondering if this was all fake. 

She hoped she wouldn't wake up for a little bit longer. 

“Y/N.” Spencer said, turning back to her, “Can we talk?” 

It was the first time she had heard him speak to her in days, the first time she had heard her name slip from his lips. 

She left like she was floating.

She wondered why she couldn't feel anything but bliss. 

She wondered when the nerves would catch up. 

She only nodded at him, only gestured to the couch. There was too much going on for her brain to comprehend, she was surviving on only coffee and a couple of caffeine pills, she was up far too late and she didn't know what was going on. 

They both sat down on the couch, and Y/N’s heart got faster at the close proximity of the two. What was going on? 

“We have to talk about everything.” 

And then the nerves caught up. 

And then the nerves invaded her body, filling her to the core with irrational thoughts, with messages from her brain that only made her heart beat faster. 

Divorce. 

Custody.

Leaving. 

The nerves were too much too much, and her eyes were wide and all she could do was nod, just nod at him. Unconsciously she moved farther away from him, preparing herself for the distance he was going to ask for.

He was leaving he was leaving he was going to leave he was-

“I think that we should’ve talked a long time ago.” He said quietly looking down at the floor, staring intensely at something Y/N couldn't see. 

“Yeah.” Y/N said, her voice breaking from the pressure, her body ready to collapse. 

“I’m sorry I left,” Spencer said. 

And it stopped. 

Everything stopped.

He was sorry. He was sorry he left, he was sorry for doing the thing that Y/N had told him to do, doing the thing that she had asked of him, he was sorry he was sorry. 

“Why,” she asked. 

“Because I never should have left. And I never should have left for so long. It was childish and only 58% of long-distance relationships work, and I didn't even leave the city I was just gone and I- I’m not sure what I was thinking-”

“I told you to go.” 

“What?” Y/N was staring at him, staring intently. She missed the sound of his voice but she hated the words coming out of his mouth. This was all of her fault, she had told him to leave, she hadn't done anything about it. This was her fault and he shouldn't have been saying any of this. 

“I told you to leave. I said, “Go ahead and leave Spencer.” She paused and looked down at his feet. “You were only doing what I asked.” 

Silence consumed the room. Y/N still didn't know what else Spencer wanted to talk about, she still didn't know if this meant he wanted to try if he wanted to try and be with her, she didn't know if this meant they were going to get better. 

She couldn't help but think of the empty space that filled her body, she couldn't help but think about the hole in her body that was scarring, that was stuck there, almost numb, unbelievably painful. She couldn't help but think about the words she’d endured to get that hole. 

“I shouldn't have listened to you. You were right.” Spencer said, pulling out of her thoughts, pulling her out of the pain that threatened to take over her body once again. “You didn't deserve me leaving, and neither did Fayre. I should’ve stayed.” 

“Spencer you don't-” 

“And then today. Today I was looking at you, I was watching you. And you just-” he paused and shook his hands in front of his face as if he was trying to reach for the words “you looked so empty. You just- you weren't looking at anything and you were just staring- and I don't think I’ve ever seen you look like that and I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know what was going on but you looked so empty-” 

Y/N paused. Derek had said Spencer was looking at her, he had told her that right to her face, but there was a block keeping her from thinking about it. She was trying not to think about it. But Derek had been right, and Spencer had noticed he had noticed. 

He’d noticed her. 

“Y/N.,” he said, grabbing her face as he pulled her closer to him. “I’ve never seen you look so emotionless. You looked at me after Fayre said goodbye, and it was like there was nothing. There was nothing- and- It scared me. I had no idea what to do, but I could feel that I started it, I could tell it had something to do with us and-”

“Fayre caused it.” Y/N blurted out. 

“What?” Spencer looked at her shocked, his face unmoving. 

“She,” Y/N took a deep breath, not wanting to relive the memory, but wanting to keep the closeness of Spencer so bad she wouldn't stop. “She was having trouble with her shoes, and she was asking for you, and I got mad- god.” Y/N shook her head angrily, mad at her past self for getting mad at Fayre. “I never should’ve gotten mad. I was mad and she was upset and she said-” 

Something was choking her from the inside. Maybe it was the anxiety holding her throat down, maybe it was the nerves that seemed to be everywhere, maybe it was the desperation to forget everything, to pretend to be okay, maybe it was the exhaustion that rested on her eyes weighing them down, maybe it was the buzzing in her heart. 

It didn't matter what it was, it was choking her, stopping the words from escaping her mouth, stopping the words from reaching the air, stopping her from telling Spencer. 

But she fought, she fought against her instinct, fought against all her self defense mechanisms, and something finally let go. 

“She said, I was mean, and that she wanted JJ.” and she gasped. 

The words were out, out into the world, out where her husband- who she hadn't been speaking to, who she hadn't gotten any affection from in months -could finally hear them.

It felt like a shock to say them. 

It felt like a shock to have to say them again, this time to the man she loved most. 

She felt ashamed in herself, for the decisions she had made earlier, for the disappointment she was to her family, for the void that lived in her body. 

“Y/N,” Spencer said, wiping away tears she hadn't noticed escaped her eyes. “She didn't mean that.” 

And the words might have been reassuring, they might have been helpful, might have rested her self hatred, if she wasn't familiar with the person Spencer was. 

He would like just to make her happy. 

‘I think she did,” she said more tears crawling up her throat. “I think she did. Because I understand, because I’m not an amazing mother, and I’m definitely not an amazing wife, and I’ve been unfair to her, and I wish she didn't have to deal with me all the time, I think she meant it-” 

Spencer put a hand over her mouth stopping her words. He was looking at her angry, his brows furrowed in something that looked like disgust, his mouth turned down. 

“Don't ever say that.” He said harshly. 

“What?” Y/N said as she moved back, her words muffled by his hand, surprised at his sudden change in mood. 

“I don't want to ever hear, I don't want you to ever think that you aren't a perfect Mother.” He said, looking her directly in her eyes, his voice wasn't wavering and neither was his mind. “You are an amazing Mother to Fayre. She loves you.” 

When Y/N tried to interrupt Spencer just spoke over her. 

“And you are an amazing wife. You are more than I could’ve ever asked for. So, I do not want to hear another word about you not being enough. It's a lie, and I hate it.”

He stopped and Y/N was still looking at him shocked at the sudden outburst. She had thought that was why she left. She wasn't enough, because Spencer was disappointed in her. After all, she just wasn't good enough. She thought that's why he left. 

That was why he left. 

Wasn't it? 

Tears ran down her face as she stared at him frustrated. 

“Oh, Y/N.,” he said, moving his hand from her mouth and gently wiping another tear away. “I didn't mean to scare you. I just want you to believe me, baby.” 

He was so gentle, so caring, so everything she had been missing for the months they had been constantly fighting with each other. 

She sobbed against his hand. 

“Baby,” he said desperately, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her closer to him. She breathed him in, shocked by the smell she loved so much, shocked that he was so close to her, shocked at how cold she had been without him. 

She had been so cold for so long. 

She sobbed even more, shaking against his chest, gasping for breath. 

She had no idea she could miss a person that was so close to her. 

“I’m so sorry baby. I’m so sorry any of this happened,” he said, rubbing her hair and pulling her close to him. Spencer felt close to tears himself, watching his wife shake in his arms, he knew that she had been deteriorating for months, for months he knew and he hadn't done a thing. He knew that she was barely there, that another week would have burned her away, he felt ashamed that he hadn't been there sooner. 

“Spence.” she cried, tugging on his shirt and nudging her head into his chest. 

He just sat there, helping her get him closer, helping her remove the last couple of centimeters between them. 

She sobbed and she sobbed into his chest, relieved that he was here, still hoping that this wasn't a dream, that this wasn't some cruel joke the world was playing on her. 

She couldn't just let this go again. 

“Y/N,” Spencer said when she had finally caught her breath when she had stopped shaking.

She looked up at him, her eyes puffy, and pleading, at that moment she looked so vulnerable it made Spencer want to protect her from everything. He didn't want to lose the only thing holding him together. “I love you. I’m so sorry that we’ve been so far apart.” 

She moved her hands from his chest, moving them to his neck and jumping into his lap, straddling him on the couch as he hugged her back just as tight. It was a breath of fresh air to be so close together, they were each other's light in a dark room. 

They had been so far apart. 

“I’m sorry too Spencer. I’m sorry.” 

Spencer just ‘shh’’d her, just held her close to him. They were both exhausted, and it was so late, it was too late. 

It was almost too much to be close to him again. 

They stayed like that, silent and together, silent and right next to each other for a while. They let each other's body heat warm them up, let their hearts get used to the close proximity again, let everything that had happened fade between them. 

It was a while later, a while later when Y/N had felt almost repaired when she could no longer feel the burning of the hole in her body, the hole that had so desperately needed to be filled, the hole that was now barely there. It was then that she finally spoke. 

“Where's Fayre?” she asked quietly against his ear, running her hands through the hair on his neck, enjoying the grip he had on her waist, and the kisses he was leaving on her neck. 

“She’s still at JJ’s. I didn't want to wake her up, but I had to see you.” 

There was a pause and then,

“Spencer,” she whispered softly, in awe that he was there, that they were together again. 

He just kissed her some more. 

They stayed like that, connected, for just a moment longer, just another moment together, before Spencer spoke up again. 

“Y/N?” he asked, moving back only a little bit so he could look into her eyes. 

“Yes?” she asked, staring at the brown eyes she had fallen in love with, the brown eyes that always seemed to fill her with a feeling she would never know how to describe. 

“I love you,” he said softly, pecking her lips. 

When he pulled back she smiled with her eyes closed, smiled at him, smiled at the feeling in her chest, smiled at the happiness she hadn't felt in so long, she smiled and she opened her eyes just so she could look at him because he was right there, he was right in front of her. 

“I haven't seen you smile in so long,” Spencer whispered in awe, running his hand over her cheek as he stared at her. 

She only smiled wider. 

“Spencer?” she said softly, the smile stuck to her face. 

“Yes?” he asked, moving to look back up to her eyes instead of her mouth, her eyes which were shining just for him. 

“I love you,” she said. Quietly. Gently. For what felt like another first time. 

He kissed her. Harder this time.

my masterlist here

[nocturnalazura]

Reassured You're Worth It

Todoroki Shoto x Virgin Fem!Reader

Minors do not interact.

Warnings| 18+, Loss of Virginity, multiple orgasms, Oral (fem receiving), fingering, minor over stimulation, unprotected sex, cream pie

All characters are aged up

Summary: You've always been a little unsure and nervous about finally losing your virginity, you're boyfriend always said that it was fine but sometimes you over think. So when you get into your own head he helps reassure you and you finally make a decision that you've thought about a few times before. (I suck at summaries)

Just a quick thank you to the anon that requested a first time with Todoroki! This was super fun to right and ended up being way longer than I meant it to be.

It’s a rare occurrence for you and Shoto to have a full night to yourselves. Normally one of you has something to do, you with piles of homework for school, or Shoto has to go off and save the city. So for the first time in what feels like and probably is months you two find solace in laying back on the couch together. Shoto rests on his back half watching whatever movie the two of you had previously chosen while he traces soft circles on your back while you rest on his chest not even attempting to act interested in the movie playing. You lost interest long ago as the couple on screen breaks up for some stupid reason that won’t matter in the end anyway. You already know that the movie will end with them getting back together and of course there will be the obligatory overly dramatic sex scene. You cringe inwardly at the thought of sitting through something that would set expectations to high.

Realistically you know that sex would never be like it was in the movies, but seeing little glimpses of it being so perfect always kind of got your hopes up that that’s what it would really be like. At twenty years old you know that the world doesn’t work the same way as the movies, and people always bitched about how sex scenes and porn were so over rated but you couldn’t help but wonder if they really were. Maybe your first time would be like the movies and everyone was just full of shit and didn’t want to tell you the truth. Or maybe people didn’t want to tell you because you were still a virgin in college and some people found that weird. Which honestly you still don’t get, who cares if you’re still a virgin, not everyone needs to have sex at a young age to have fun plus you wanted to do it with someone you trusted.

Shoto knew you were a virgin and simply stated that he didn’t mind not having sex he just wanted to be with you, but sometimes you couldn’t help but wonder if he would get tired of waiting. Other boyfriends were usually sick of waiting by now and tried pushing for more a few times before you finally broke it off. Shoto’s never brought it up or made any attempt to push you out of your comfort zone, he’s always been pretty respectful when your make out sessions get a little too hot for your liking. The thought of him being your first had crossed your mind more than once, you trust him, and feel comfortable with him. Would he want to? He’s never brought it up maybe because he’s not interested? Suddenly the fingers on your lower back turn ice cold.

“Shoto! What the hell oh my god stop!” You shriek and giggle as you attempt to wiggle away from the frozen fingers. Sitting up on his lap you look down at him only to see him softly smiling up at you.

“Sorry love, but I’ve been saying your name for about 5 minutes now. I could practically hear you thinking. What’s wrong?”

“It’s stupid don’t worry about it.”

“Nothing you think is stupid love now tell me or you won’t be able to stop thinking about it.” He whispers, pushing himself to sit up against the arm of the couch. Biting your lip softly he offers you his hand so you can play with his fingers as you work up the nerve to voice your problem.

“God it’s so stupid, but I just, are you tired of waiting?”

“Tired of waiting?”

“For me.” You whisper softly. When he raises a quizzical eyebrow at you, you swallow awkwardly and continue. “For uhm for sex.”

“Am I tired of waiting for sex?” He parrots back to you. When you nod he frowns slightly and pulls his hand away from yours and pushes himself to sit up fully. “Why do you think I’d be tired? I told you I don’t mind waiting, have I been pushing you? I didn’t mean to. We go at your pace. I'm sorry if I gave off anything but that.”

“Oh, oh Sho no that’s not what I meant at all. You’ve never pushed me to far, I just, god see I told you it was stupid.”

“It’s not. I want you to feel comfortable at all times. I told you, I really don’t mind waiting, I just want to be with you, so what brought this up?” He questions tilting his head and opening his arms for you to collapse into him.

“I don’t know, I see these stupid scenes and I over think, and just I don’t want you to be unhappy. Are you sure you don’t mind waiting?”

“Of course not my love. I want you to be comfortable. If you want to take that step with me one day then I’ll happily take the chance but if you don’t want to that’s fine as well. It’s about you, I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

Nodding you snuggle into his chest and let him resume rubbing soft circles into your skin with one hand while he mindlessly let you play with the finger on his other hand. Resting his head on top of yours as he goes back to half watching the movie. His reassurance in you and your decisions fills you with a sense of comfort and undying trust that you didn’t know you needed. Your body automatically relaxes into him as he turns slightly to press a soft kiss to your forehead before smiling softly against you.

The two of you continue to enjoy the rest of the night, switching to another movie later on. Filled with soft kisses and plenty of cuddles. When the movie ends Shoto turns so you’re tucked into his side and listens as you tell him how school has been going for you lately. He tells you about some of the less graphic and violent missions and villains he’s taken part in over the past couple weeks. The soft discussion of you finally moving into his apartment with him when your lease ends in a few months makes you both smile. As it gets later the two of you finally pop your comfortable bubble of happiness and finally head to bed. Getting washed up quickly you get into bed together.

“Good night.” Shoto softly whispers into your hair.

“Night Sho, love you.”

“Love you too.”

With that he pulls you just a little closer so his chest is completely pressed to your back. You let the feeling of his chest rising and falling against your back mixed with the soft little puffs of air that escape him relax you. You smile as his breathing evens out as he falls asleep. Your earlier conversation plays over and over in your mind, his instant concern for you and what you want fills your heart with nothing but love. Swallowing down the fear you have you slowly wiggle around in his arms to turn around and face him. His face is perfectly peaceful as he sleeps, you know you’d be making the right choice with him being your first.

However the last few times you’ve thought of finally taking that leap your own nerves got in the way. He’s proven to you over and over again that you can trust him with everything and his words from earlier prove to you once again that you can trust him. Taking a deep breath you finally make your decision. He’ll be staying the night with you again tomorrow and you’ll tell him you want him to be your first. Your body fills with nothing but excitement and nerves at the thought but you do your best to tame the thoughts and sleep.

Unfortunately sleep doesn’t take you right away and by the time you wake up Shoto is long gone. A small note on your bedside table lets you know that he should be home early as he only has some paperwork and meetings to attend to today. Smiling at the thought of him coming home before dark for once. Pulling yourself out of bed you get ready for the day before heading out to the living room to clean up the little mess the two you left behind the previous night.

Turning on some music you lose yourself to your cleaning as you dance around picking up and wiping everything clean. Before you know it the entire living room, kitchen and bathroom are spotless. Moving on to the bedroom you work on changing the bedding and throwing the other set in a basket to be put away later. Looking around you eye the chair settled in the corner of your room piled high with clean clothes. Sighing you decide to finally tackle the dreaded mountain. After what feels like years of putting away laundry you unceremoniously drop onto the bed to rest and scroll through your phone.

A shrill ding rings out as a message from Shoto pops up letting you know he’s done for the day and has picked up food on his way. Smiling, you hop up and head over to the dresser and pull out one of the shirts you’ve stolen from Shoto and a pair of shorts. Changing quickly you head out to the living room just as Shoto unlocks the door with a bag of take out in hand.

“Oh. I didn’t think you’d be here that quick.” You say happily surprised.

“Didn’t want to leave you waiting long so I waited to text you.” He says, smiling softly as you pad over to him taking the bag. Grabbing you before you have a chance to get away he gives you a soft kiss before heading to your room to change into comfortable clothing. “You did a lot while I was gone.”

“Hmm? Oh yeah. I kinda just got into it and kept going.”

“I would have helped you when I got back.” He says settling on the floor in front of the coffee table.

“I know but this gave me something to do while you were gone.” You mumble as you hand him his food.

He rolls his eyes at you with a small smile before grabbing the remote to pick something to watch. He settles on something neither one of you really cares about as you both dig into your food. You only half watch whatever plays as you pick at one another’s food and discuss what happened at his meetings. When the food is finished you two slowly begin to pay more attention to the show. You sit there on the floor together for quite awhile before finally deciding to head to bed. Before you can grab anything to put it away Shoto is pushing you onto the couch and doing it himself ignoring your protests.

“You cleaned all day. I can put away leftovers and take out the trash.” He says pressing a kiss to your forehead before going to take the trash out.

Sighing you settle on the couch and wait for him to come back. Taking a deep breath you decide that once he comes back you’ll finally tell him you’re ready. A small amount of nerves build up again at the thought of finally going that far. Shaking your head you get up and head to the bedroom and wait for him there. Jumping onto the bed you toss your phone onto the side table and settle face down on the bed. The sound of the front door opening and closing again alerts you to Shotos return but doesn’t prepare you for his weight to suddenly drop onto your body.

“Aghkh Sho!” You wheeze out as he lets himself rest on you. “Get off me you ass! You’re heavy!”

“Well now that’s rather rude of you to say. I don’t feel like moving for someone who insults me.”

“You’re literally all muscle! You’re gonna kill me!!” You squeal as he lets more of his weight drop. Laughing slightly he wraps an arm under you and flips the two of you over. Wiggling out from under his arm you sit up to flip yourself over to look down at him. “Rude.”

“You’re cute.”

“I know I am.” You smirk as you lean down to kiss him.

Shoto happily sighs as your lips slot perfectly against his. His hands carefully roam the tops of your thighs before creeping up the back of your shirt slowly.

“You look good in my clothes.”

“Mmm that’s why I wear them.”

Shaking his head he tangled a hand in your hair pulling you back down to him. It’s a familiar thing for the two of you, long drawn out make out sessions with a small mix of groping and grinding against one another until you finally reach the edge of your comfort zone. His hands roam over your body easily, memorizing every little detail they touch. Shoto grabs greedy handfuls of your ass as your mouths work together. His hands knead at the fat of your ass as he uses it as leverage to move you against him.

You both groan into the other's mouth as he pulls you to softly grind against him. You moan sweetly against him as you feel his cock stir beneath you. He lets out a soft grunt as you grind down a little harder on him. Pulling away from the kiss he lets his head rest against the pillows as he looks up at you with half lidded, his thumbs rub soft circles onto your hips as he watches you move against him. You keep your movement at a steady pace as you watch his face twitch and contort softly with every little grunt and groan he lets out. The feeling of his hardened cock pressing against you as you move against him has your already slightly dampened panties soaking uncomfortably quick as you think of what could possibly happen.

“Y/n, love tell me what you want.” He whispers up at you softly.

“I want you.”

“Want me to help get you off love?” He mutters leaning up to kiss your neck as he lets one of the hands on your hip slide down to the waistband of your shorts.

“Shoto, I um, I want want you.” Swallowing your nerves you continue “I’ve been thinking about it and I want it to be you.” You whisper softly leaning in to press a soft kiss to his cheek. “I want you to be my first.”

Gnawing on your bottom lip, you finally sit up to look at him fully. A bright blush rests over his cheeks as he stares up at you with wide bi colored eyes. You watch as he swallows hard before finally nodding, seeming to have finally processed everything. Letting go of you he pushes himself up to rest against the headboard before bringing a hand up to your cheek and pulling you close again.

“You’ll tell me if you want to stop right?”

“Of course, I trust you Sho. You’ll um take the lead right?”

“If that’s what you’re more comfortable with of course.”

“Yes please.”

Giving you a quick nod he pulls you into a soft kiss before letting him slide back down the headboard to rest amongst the pillows with you on top of him. He lets his hands drift down to your ass again to coax you back into grinding against him. The two of you continue that way for a little while, simply kissing and nipping at one another. Groaning against you he wraps an arm around you tightly to quickly flip the two of you over. Sitting up on his knees he quickly pulls his shirt over his head smirking at the way your eyes rake over his toned torso. He fiddles with the hem of the shirt you're wearing waiting for your nod of approval before pulling it off to admire your naked torso. You fidget slightly under his gaze fighting off the temptation of covering your bare chest.

“God you’re beautiful.” He whispers leaning down to pepper soft kisses across your face before diving down to press harsher ones against your neck. His hands cautiously creep up your body to softly grope at your breasts. “You’re so soft and perfect love.”

You relax again at his words letting him touch you the way he pleases. A small moan escapes you as his thumbs toy with your nipples softly, fingers kneading into the plushness. Shoto lets out quiet hums of happiness at the feeling of finally being able to hold and touch you in all ways. He carefully begins to work his way down from your neck, pressing little kisses against your skin. He nips softly at the soft skin of your breast peeking up at you through his hair before moving slightly to allow his teeth to graze your already sensitive nipple before carefully letting his lips wrap around it. He softly laps and sucks at it, switching to the other when you arch your back pressing him further into your chest.

“Sho, keep going please.” You whine tugging at his hair.”

Humming against you he starts moving again, leaving little kisses against the soft skin of your belly until he reaches the waistband of your shorts. He kisses along the edge before lifting his head to look up at you as if asking permission to continue. When you give him a small nod he wraps his fingers around it gently before tugging your shorts and panties down in one go leaving you completely bare to him. You can’t help the nerves that suddenly swell up inside of you as you clench your legs together in a small attempt to hide.

“Please don’t hide from me love, you’re perfect.” Whispers Shoto running his hands along your sides in an attempt to ease your nerves. “We can stop if you’re not ready.”

“Sorry, just a little nervous.” You whisper, taking in a deep breath you let your legs relax. “Keep going, I trust you.”

Smiling at you sweetly he moves to spread your legs and settles himself in between them. He’s touched you before but having him this close to your soaked center is oddly nerve wracking. Soft hands rub against the tops of your thighs before pushing your legs just a little further apart. Once settled he uses his thumbs to gently spread your lips apart to look at your clenching little hole. Shifting slightly you throw an arm over your eyes to avoid looking down at him until you feel it.

You let out a surprised moan as Shoto licks a strip up your soaked little pussy. He eagerly groans into your core as he continues to let his tongue explore as you moan and tug at his hair. His nose softly bumps and rubs against your clit as he eagerly licks into you, letting his tongue explore you and happily letting your taste coat his mouth. Moving up he sucks softly on your clit as he slowly circles a finger around your entrance coating it in your slick. Moving your arm you finally look down only to be met with Shoto’s hazy lust filled gaze as he sucks at your clit and carefully works a singular finger into you.

“Oooh Shoto!” You moan out tugging at his hair as he groans heavily against your clit.

His eyes gaze up to your through a lust filled haze as he slowly pumps his finger in you as he lets his tongue lap at your clit. Popping off your clit he speeds up the pace of his finger and changes his position to lean over you as he watches your face for any kind of discomfort. Twisting his wrist ever so slightly he finally hits the little spot inside of that leaves you moaning freely. Carefully he eases in a second finger slowing the pace down and letting you get used to the stretch. When your mouth drops open with a low moan of his name he picks the pace back up, letting the pads of his fingers press against that spongy spot inside of you.

“You’re so good for me my love. Look how perfect you are.” He groans out as he feels your walls clamp around him sporadically. “Your pussy is so pretty baby, look how cute it looks wrapped around my fingers.”

You rock your hips up into his hand, looking up at him with little tears dotting the corners of your eyes. Licking at his bottom lip he drops back down between your thighs letting his tongue play with your sensitive little clit. Your hips shift around relentlessly at the stimulation until he throws his free arm over you to hold you in place as he pressed his fingers into you faster.

“Shoto! M’gonna cum.” You squeal as he licks and sucks at your clit harder pulling you closer to your end. FInally he presses a third finger in officially pushing you over the edge at the added stretch and pressure.

“That’s it love, cum for me.” He grunts out as he eases you through your orgasm. He carefully pulls his finger free of your spasming walls before leaning down to lick a long strip up your slit. Shoto eagerly licks at slick the drips from you, softly pushing your legs open as they threaten to close around him.

He lets you whine and tug at his hair as he digs his tongue into your now drenched and stretched little hole. He shoves his face into your center letting his nose rub against your now sensitive clit as he licks into you groaning as he ruts against the bed as the taste of you spreads throughout his mouth. Grunting into he switches between licking at your clit and pressing his tongue as far into your spasming walls as he can. The feeling quickly begins to overstimulate you as he smothers himself in your pussy. Your hands scramble to push him away as he goes back to focusing on your clit again as the feeling of another orgasm quickly creeps up on you.

“Sho! Too much!” You cry out as he sends you crashing over the edge again. Finally you manage to push him off of you as your legs shake around him with tears running down your face from the over stimulation.

“Fuck, sorry love.” He says breathing heavily. He quickly wipes your juices from the bottom half of his face with the back of his hand before moving up to lean down and kiss you softly. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long. You okay?”

“Uh huh” you mumble through a head filled with a lovely pleasure haze.

“Do you wanna stop here?” He questions pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“No, I really want to keep going please. I wanna know what it feels like to have you in me please.” You whisper blinking the haze away.

“Yeah? Ok, fuck we can do that.” Swallowing thickly he gives you another quick kiss before pushing the rest of his clothes off quickly. You watch with wide eyes as his hard cock slaps up against his lower abs. “You can say no still at any point ok?”

“I know.” You whisper as you pull him back down to you for a long drawn out kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He mumbles against your lips. He settles himself over you, one arm holding himself up while the other reaches down to tease the blunt head of his cock against your soaked entrance. “Ready?”

“Mmhmm” You hum out quietly leaning up to kiss him softly again.

Licking his lips Shoto watches you closely as he slowly works on pushing into you. He offers a small chorus of praises as your face scrunches up at the slight stinging the unfamiliar stretch causes. The arm not holding him up quickly comes up to tangle your fingers together as he finally bottoms out within you. He leans down bringing you into a soft kiss as he stills, letting you adjust to the new feeling.

“You’re doing so good love. Feel so good already.” he mutters against your cheek, squeezing your hand tightly. “Tell me when you’re ready.”

Nodding softly you let your face relax as you take in a deep breath. Suddenly you're very thankful for his earlier prep and over stimulation as the small sting still rings throughout your body lightly. Peeling your eyes open you look up at Shoto, admiring the way his hair falls around his face. When he takes note of you looking up at you he smiles softly and kisses you. He rests his forehead against yours.

“Move Shoto.” You whisper softly, squeezing his hand.

Sucking in a harsh breath he slowly eases his hips back only leaving the tip in before pushing back in just as slowly still giving you plenty of time to adjust. When given no indications of unease, he builds a slow pace letting you feel every inch of him as he pushes into you. Slowly he feels your body relax against him as he rolls his hips into yours. His own body relaxes slightly when your mouth falls open and softly little moans finally begin to spill from it.

“Mmm Shoto, feels good.”

“Yeah? Fuck, you feel amazing love.” Shoto says grunting softly into your neck. He lets out a low moan when you shift your hips to wrap your legs around his waist successfully pulling him deeper into you. “Shit, it’s like you were made for me.”

“Faster Sho. Please.”

Biting into your neck softly he works his hips faster into yours groaning when you begin to roll your hips to match his pace.

“That’s it, good job baby. So good for me baby girl”

The two of you build a comfortable rhythm as the soft rhythmic sound of skin slapping together mixed with your soft moans and his grunts fills the room. With every thrust his cock kisses at your cervix filling you to the brim. The veins that litter his cock rub at all of the little sensitive spots within that up until this point had never been touched. Letting go of your hand he pushes his free hand underneath you pulling you closer to him.

Your eyes roll back as the angle is slightly changed and his tip rubs effortless against that little spongy spot with every single thrust. You bring your arms up to wrap around Shoto’s shoulders to claw at his back. You feel your cheeks flush as you look up to see Shoto watching every little move you make, from the fucked out little faces to the way your breasts bounce as he fucks you. His pupils are blown as his face is drowned in lust from watching you. He grunts heavily when your walls eagerly clench around his cock.

“Love you so much baby, so fuckin’ perfect and tight around my cock.” He states with a particularly hard thrust.

“Love you too Sho, feels good.” you moan eagerly pulling him down and into a sloppy open mouthed kiss. “Shoto! Wanna cum.” you moan into his mouth.

Nodding with a quiet grunt he pulls his arm out from underneath you to push it between the two of you. He fumbles around for a second as you clench around him again before regaining his composure and rubbing tight circles against your clit. As the added stimulation courses through your body your mouth drops open allowing soft pants and moans of his name to fall freely from your mouth. Finally he pushes you closer and closer to the edge of your third orgasm as he slowly speeds his thrusts up just a little more. Your legs tighten around his waist pulling him even closer as your walls spasm around him helplessly.

You look up at him, letting a warbled chorus of his name fall from your parted lips as you push your hips harder into his. Nails bite into his shoulders as a final hard thrust pushes you over the edge.

“S-s-shoto.” You whimper out pathetically as you come crashing over the edge. Your head tipped back into the pillows as your pussy creamed around him, walls spasming in attempt to milk him. “ Sho! F-fuck Sho.”

“Shit, shit that’s it baby, fuck good girl.” He groans above you rolling his hips a little slower to help work you through your orgasm. The feeling of your velvety walls clenching around him forces him closer to his own end. “Fuck ok baby, ‘m gonna cum, shit where should I?”

“In! Please Sho wanna feel it in me.”

“Fuck. Y/N fuck, shit.” He grunts into your neck as a shudder rocks through his body just as he pushes all the way to the hilt and begins to fill you. The tip of his cock presses snuggly up against your cervix as hot spurts of cum fill you. His hips give a few half assed thrusts as he finally stills above you, breathing heavily he lowers himself to rest on top of you still holding up the majority of his weight in an attempt to not crush you. “Baby, you okay?”

“Uh huh, I’m I’m ok.” you whisper, eyes closed as you attempt to regulate your breathing.

Pushing himself up just high enough to look down at you, carefully he brings a hand up to push a few stray strands of hair out of your face. Your eyes flutter open slowly only to be met with Shoto’s slightly concerned face.

“Are you sure you’re ok love?” he questions caressing your cheek softly.

“Yeah I’m sure, I feel good.” You say offering him a small pleased smile before turning your head to kiss his palm softly.

“Good.” He whispers leaning down to kiss you softly. “I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“No, it was perfect. I made the right decision.” You whisper pulling him back into a kiss. When you drop back to the bed you look up at him with slightly tired eyes.

“C’mon lets get you cleaned up so we can go to bed.”

He slowly pulls his now softened cock out of you watching as his cum slowly drips out of your abused little hole. You whimper quietly at the now empty feeling. Shoto presses a soft kiss to your forehead and a mumbled “sorry”. Getting off the bed he quickly pulls on his previously discarded sweats and heads to the bathroom. He comes back with warm wet cloth, climbing back on the bed he carefully works on cleaning up the mess between your legs and tossing the cloth into the nearby laundry basket. Grabbing the shirt he was wearing earlier he helps you sit up and slips it over your head.

“Need anything?”

“Cuddles?”

“Of course.” He says laughing softly. He quickly switches off the lights before laying down and opening his arms for you to curl into his chest. Once you settle he wraps an arm around you and presses a kiss to your forehead and offers you a hand so you can play with his fingers. “So worth the wait?”

“Oh yeah definitely. What do you think, was I worth the wait?”

“You are beyond perfect my love. I’d wait a thousand years to be with you.”

“Mmm that was so cheesy Sho.”

“I know, but it’s true. I love you Y/n”

“Love you too Shoto.” You mumble out.

The soft rhythmic beating of his heart lulls you to sleep. As your breathing evens out Shoto can’t help but smile down at you passed out against his chest. Everything around the two of you just feels right at this moment. Even when you would wake up the next morning with a soft ache between your legs you’d kiss him happily and say it was worth it.

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

“Are you here all night?” Jason asked, “or are you planning to, you know, be a human? I think those go home sometimes.”

High above Jason’s head, a swarm of bats entered the cave, winding among the stalactites and screeching a kind of garbled response.

Dick, however, said nothing. He remained bent over one of the long tables on the cavern floor, examining a map Jason could barely see from his own seat a short distance behind, ignoring Jason and his sarcasm both. 

Jason didn’t enjoy being ignored. 

Fine. 

“I have some tasks you could take over,” he suggested, in his least helpful voice, “if you’re in the market for an excuse to keep working. I know you make those sometimes.”

Nothing.

“I have some weapons to clean, if you want to do that. You could type out all my old cases, if that works, because I only have the originals and those are hard to work with.”

Still nothing.

“Take out the trash?” Jason tried. “Wash the dishes? I put a load of laundry in a couple of hours ago, but there’s a wool jacket in the mix, so be careful what you put in the dryer.”

Dick didn’t move. Jason was enjoying himself now.

“Write a sonnet? Map the White House?” Jason held up a finger Dick couldn’t see, like he had just remembered something interesting. “I think there’s a library on 8th that exploded a few days back, so if you could just grab the rubble from the street and rebuild it by hand, that would be great.”

No reaction. 

“Whatever,” said Jason, “I’m out of here. Get some sleep maybe? I know the whole work-to-outrun-despair routine is your ‘thing,’ or whatever, but it never looks good on you. Have you considered—”

Jason cut himself off as Dick finally turned away from the table. Looking him in the eye, Jason felt suddenly and inexplicably afraid. 

“Go on,” said Dick, quietly.

“I’m just… saying that it might make things worse, to shut off and—” Jason pointed at the mound of paper on the table, “obsess over this stuff instead.”

“You think?” Dick asked. “No shit.”

Jason blinked. “Wait, are you—”

“Did you think it never occurred to me,” said Dick, “that I might be spinning out?”

“I didn’t say you were spinning out.”

“Were you thinking that maybe,” Dick leaned back against the table edge and crossed his arms, carefully casual in a way Jason didn’t like, “hey maybe I, Dick Grayson, haven’t noticed how it feels to be forty-nine hours into a case and puking in the bathroom sink?”

“I didn’t—”

“Maybe I just haven’t realized why my vision blurs out and I can’t think straight, and it’s weird how this happens—” Dick held up a hand, and Jason could see his fingers shaking, “—if I keep going for too long.”

“I didn’t mean to—”

“Wow, yeah, now that you mention it, this might be,” Dick said, flatly, “bad.” 

Jason glanced down at his boots to break the eye contact. “I’ll back off,” he said. “I’ll go.”

“It might be bad that I can’t sleep until I’m falling-over exhausted. Maybe I shouldn’t be taking all these cases—”

“I said I’ll back off.”

“Or writing all these notes or spending weeks on research, more than that on training—”

“Listen—”

“I probably shouldn’t be leading all these teams, huh?” Dick smiled in a way that reminded Jason of what he should have remembered before he opened his own mouth: that Dick could be very, very dangerous. “Can I get your opinion on that?”

“I’ll—”

“I KNOW!”

Jason stumbled back a step in shock. 

“I KNOW that I’m working too hard!” Dick yelled, “And I KNOW why I do it!”

“Okay!” Jason backed away again. “Okay, I get it!”

“I work so I don’t have to think! I’d rather drop dead doing this shit than stop for the millisecond it would take to feel again! Are you happy now?”

“Calm down, okay? I didn’t—”

“I don’t want to feel,” said Dick, gesturing around him, “so I’m going to stand right here over and over again.”

“Fine!”

“And I’m going to keep shutting down because it goddamn WORKS!”

Dick turned away again, bending over the table like he hadn’t said anything at all. Jason stood frozen for a moment, staring. 

“Does it?” he asked into the silence.

“No.”

“I didn’t think so.”

“Do you have something better?”

Jason looked down at his own hands and saw that they were shaking too.

“No,” he said.

“Then fuck off.”

Jason turned to leave, but Dick, it appeared, wasn’t ready to let it go. 

“I’m alive,” he said. “I’m standing and walking and doing all the things that matter.”

“Yeah.” 

“I’ve had enough of— enough of asking for help and getting—” Dick jerked an arm above his head, still turned away. “I don’t want to hear that the way I live is self-destructive. I already know. That’s why I’m here, that’s what I’m saying, that’s why I’m trying.” 

“Yeah.”

“Just… show me something better, or let me self-destruct.”

Jason fumbled awkwardly for something to say. “I’m sure— I don’t know who you’ve been talking to, but whoever that is— I’m sure they’re… trying to help.”

“You weren’t,” said Dick.

“No, I wasn’t.”

“You were trying to land a cheap shot,” said Dick, “and feel like you’re better than me.”

Yes, that was true. Jason wasn’t sorry, exactly, but he regretted it, and those were different things.  

“I guess that makes me an asshole.”

“And a hypocrite.” Dick turned around again and leaned back in the same way, quiet, in control. “You never stop either… not since the pit anyway.”

“Don’t.”

“I mean it’s different, obviously, because I don’t think you’re trying to hide it. Me, I don’t want cracks to show. I don’t want all this grief and anger and— you said despair, right?”

“Stop.”

“I don’t want the despair to show because I want to look whole, but you—”

“You’ve made your point.”

“You want to look like a week-old corpse rotting on the concrete, and may I say?” Dick smiled. “Excellent performance. You look exactly like that.”

Jason didn’t say anything.

“It’s a world of difference,” Dick continued, “because I— I’m pushing through pain… and you’re pushing to feel it.”

For a moment, they stared at each other, and Jason found that it was difficult to breathe. 

“I could yell back for that,” he said. It came out softly, more soft than he meant, as Jason shoved away something very close to shame.

“Do it.”

“No. I think it’s funny when people call me the angry one.” Jason looked down at his shaking hands again. 

“I am angry,” he conceded, “but you’re just as bad as I am.”

“Thematic,” Dick snapped. “Get out.” 

“No. You opened this book, so we’re going to read it. You’re right.”

“Leave.”

“You’re right, I do exactly what you just said I do. Sometimes I don’t sleep for days, and it’s not because I can’t.”

Well, that might not be fully true, so Jason stopped to backtrack.

“I mean,” he corrected, “I don’t know if I could sleep, if I really tried, but that’s the point I’m making. I don’t try. I don’t want to sleep.”

“I said leave.”

“It’ll be four in the morning and I’m slumped sideways on my couch watching surveillance footage I don’t need to watch, because I know when I finally drag myself to the bathroom mirror, I’ll look like hell—”

“Get out!”

“—and I want to! I feel like hell, I feel like goddamn Brutus in the Devil’s jaws, and I want to look like it. If I look like death, that means my pain is real.”

“Get out or regret it.”

“Oh, I know it’s self-destructive,” said Jason, smiling his best unnerving smile. “How could I miss it when I’m blacking out in stairwells and picking fights on purpose, just to get kicked around?”

That particular sentence, it appeared, caught Dick’s attention, because he stayed quiet this time, glaring from across the room.

Well then, Jason decided, it was time to push further. 

“Let’s get personal, shall we? Why do I live in this fucking city to see you or him or whoever else is living in the capes this week? I’m not shooting for reconciliation!”

“Well?”

“I’m going to stay here and cause problems until every single one of you hates me enough to shove me away. How’s my performance, by the way? Is it working? I’d love to get your opinion.”

Dick made a face that Jason couldn’t interpret, so Jason chose to press on. 

“It’ll hurt when I pull that off because I do actually care about you, but you know what? I’ll like that. Maybe someday all of this will kill me, and I’ll kind of like that too.” 

Jason paused a beat to let Dick interject, but Dick didn’t. 

“Your turn,” said Jason pleasantly. “Thoughts?”

Nothing.

“I like the aesthetic of self-destruction,” said Jason. “I’m going to look in the mirror tomorrow and see dark circles and scars, and it’s going to feel like being myself in a way that nothing else does.”

In that moment, watching Dick glare, Jason felt very tired— not in a way that sleep could solve, and not in a way that anyone could fix. No matter what Jason did, no matter what he tried, he could always feel himself sinking. He was empty and heavy at the same time, somehow trapped in place, unable to do anything except lie in his own blood.

A rotting corpse indeed.

“I’m not judging you,” said Jason. “I don’t have the space for that. I won’t tell you to just… change. I’m sick of hearing that too, hearing that I don’t have to do this to myself, that I am doing this to myself.”

Dick nodded. Jason wasn’t sure at what, but it felt like permission to keep going, so he did.

“I know I’m holding on to something I shouldn’t,” Jason admitted, even though it hurt to say out loud. “I know, but I can’t let go when there’s nothing else to take. I don’t have anything profound to say. I don’t… know what else there is.”

That was it. That was all Jason had, so he shrugged and stared down at the floor, waiting.

“I think if I stop working I’ll fall apart,” said Dick, finally, “and this time I won’t be able to scrape myself together.”

“Yeah.”

“I think fine, so I don’t have to keep going. I don’t have to shove away the dark and force myself through, but what would happen if I didn’t?”

“I don’t know.”

“I would be a shivering, hollow shape on my floor, maybe forever. I don’t know what I want to be, but I can’t be… I can’t be only that.” 

Jason understood.

“It’s hard,” said Dick. “I always hear— and say, I say this to other people— that things can be okay. I guess it’s true, but does it matter?” 

“What do you mean?”

“Unless I leave the cave right now and never come back, this is my life. I have an apartment and a fucked-up family—”

“Thanks.”

“—and I spend every night jumping through smog and the ghosts of everything I’ve ever done.”

“Saving people,” Jason noted.

“Win some,” said Dick, “lose some. How many times have you watched a person die?”

“A few.”

“A few.” Dick shook his head. “I know too much, but I have too much to leave behind.”

“I have a guy who makes passports on demand, if you change your mind,” said Jason. “He’s amazing.”

“Thanks.”

“Prints while you wait.”

Dick shot Jason a flat kind of look.

“What?” Jason asked. “It would simplify my plans.”

Dick half-smiled at that, and Jason got the sense that they were done yelling, maybe, for awhile.

“I feel trapped, and I don’t know how to fix myself,” said Dick, “while I’m still… here.” 

“Yeah.”

“I’m just trying to stay alive.”

“I know. Me too.”

“It isn’t getting any easier.” 

Jason thought about that for awhile. It would be nice to have an answer— something simple to say, some match to light in their common ground— but Jason couldn’t find one, so he shrugged again and hoped that understanding would be enough. 

It had to be something, didn’t it?

It was the best he could do. There were times, Jason figured, to talk about breathing exercises and the mess of self-help books piled on his dresser, but he knew this wasn’t one of them. They could call it catharsis, he decided, and leave it at that. 

“We could say it’s Bruce’s fault?” Jason suggested, since he was out of other ideas. “I like blaming Bruce for the shit I do.”

“You do?”

“Fuck off.”

Dick smiled fully at that one. “I’m not above it either.”

“Great,” said Jason. “Can I leave a note saying we blame him? No context at all, maybe on a single post-it? I think it would be really funny.”

“Sure.”

“I’ll bounce after that, for real this time.” Jason spun a finger in a circle a few times, pointing around the cave. “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“Yeah.” Dick tapped a finger against the table a few times, like he was thinking. After a moment, he pulled a bag from the edge and started packing up his things. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, me too.”

Fin.

---

art by @doc-squash​

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, APRIL 29, 1988 I’ve been up since 2:00 this morning and fell asleep around 7:30. Sasha, the stray cat I took in, woke me up. I was just falling asleep again at 3:00 when Andy M called. Our parents were friends for 30 years, but that ended in the 70s and I haven’t seen him since.

We talked about music and he played his keyboard for me. He’s quite good. I played a little guitar for him. He said he likes my style and was looking for a guitarist to play some songs he’d written. He also told me he was gay, too.

Tomorrow I see Nissan! I can’t wait. I really hope all goes well. She doesn’t come on till 1:30 and at 10:00 I have to see my doctor.

Later…

It’s now lunchtime and I’m at the Chinese place right next to La Baron.

I can’t wait to see Nissan. I just hope all goes well and I get some answers to some of my questions, like does she want me? I doubt it. I’m probably not good enough for her. It seems all I get is druggies or weak-minded losers. And why can’t I have anyone I’m attracted to???

Tonight I’ve got to finish recording those tapes. Also, I want to write her a copy of my songs such as My Time Has Come and Carry Me Away. I hope she likes them and doesn’t think they’re stupid.

It’s pouring out now just as they predicted it would on the news this morning. With my luck, it’ll pour when I get out of school.

I have to go back now and finish winding my perm rods.

Ok, I am back in the classroom. Miss Loretta and Diane are in here now talking so I guess I’ll write more.

Mom and Dad are visiting Goldie and Al, long-time family friends. She called me yesterday which was when she had said she was leaving but didn’t because of the rain.

I can’t wait till that house sells so I can hopefully move. When I do, they’re giving me the stuff in the house, then I’ll sell mine. Their washer and dryer will surely come in handy. I’m sick of lugging my laundry down the street.

I hope she doesn’t tell me to finish my perm rods yet because I want to write those notes of what to say to Nissan on the bus for Kevin if he ever tags along with me.

TUESDAY, APRIL 26, 1988 I finally met somebody and she’s gorgeous! She’s a PVTA bus driver. Her name is Nissan as in Nissan cars and trucks. I’ve had Nissan on my mind quite a bit.

Two Saturdays ago I took the Belmont bus up to see Dr. Donoghue, my new therapist/shrink, and the driver was this guy I’d seen quite often. He wanted to get together with me and I told him I’d prefer a woman. Then he kept questioning me about why I’m gay. You know how males are. So, near the end of the line, we passed this woman bus driver who he said was gay.

After seeing the doctor, I got the bus she drove, and oh my God! She was beautiful! I thought to myself, could she really be gay? Sure enough, she is, but she’s taken, but I think, or I should say I hope, I still stand a chance, as she says she’s having problems with her girlfriend. She’s had mostly boyfriends, though.

I rode with her last Saturday from 1:30 to 7:30 on the bus. At first, she seemed distant but then we were laughing and joking and she sang for me. She has a great voice. I sang for her, too.

She says my haircut makes me look younger and she’s gonna help me style it. She said with my hair done up nice and a little makeup and nice clothes, I’d be beautiful.

She gave me a tuna sandwich for lunch and also bought me some coffee.

This Saturday I’m going on the bus with her again. I asked her if she’d mind because if she did, I wouldn’t come back. She said I could, though.

I’m gonna bring her some of those Jerky treats she likes and make a tape of Gloria Estefan for her.

In the midst of our discussions, she told me that I have to get rid of my mean streak, and I really respect her, so I’ll try. Never would I ride a bus that long unless I’m in love. And I am, as you can see, but I wonder if she’d ever want someone like me. Maybe I’m not good enough for her.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20, 1988 I’ve decided to cut my hair off. It’s dead, uneven, unmanageable, and I can’t keep the ends from splitting. Also, it’s getting to be a pain in the ass and I’m sick of it. I’ve had it basically all my life. This way it’ll be easier to brush and it’ll only take two seconds to blow it dry.

MONDAY, APRIL 18, 1988 I’m now in McDonald’s taking a late lunch break as I was tied up giving this Puerto Rican a manicure. Dolores was supposed to do it but she left school early. I’m the only one in class today. Lecenia and Sonya are absent. Well, I guess for my remaining two hours I’ll study my textbook and work on the mannequins.

FRIDAY, APRIL 15, 1988 Today sure is a sucky day. It’s raining out and I didn’t go to school. I had set my alarm for 7:15 and didn’t realize it was going off for an hour and a half later. Can you believe that?! It seems so weird that I can sleep so soundly with that thing blaring for so long. What is wrong with me? How can anyone sleep so deeply?

Later…

I just had a hell of a time trying to track down Mary C’s number, which was changed. First I called all the P's in the book but no one was related to John. Then I called Shell Mini Mart looking for Doug or the number. Doug’s been gone 3 months and this guy tried to find the number in a file. No suerte. Called Dunkin Donuts and got nowhere. Called where John works. He wasn’t there and no one knew his number and the guy was gonna go to the office to get it but it was locked up and he had no key. So finally I called McDonald’s where Crystal used to work to speak to Larry. He wasn’t there but the manager said he was in the book and gave me the name of the street. He’s listed under Arthur G. He’s not home but I’ll probably have luck there.

THURSDAY, APRIL 14, 1988 I’m now on my lunch break at McDonald’s, sitting by the window on the lookout for Nervous. So far there’s no sign of him, but I really doubt he has the guts to come spying on me.

Late last night I pulled a prank on him by calling him to tell him that I needed him to take me to the emergency room because my ankle was killing me.

He asks, “Are you serious or are you just playing a joke on me?”

I tell him I’m serious and then I lay in bed with all the lights off till he came and knocked on the back door a few times. I then jumped up to peek out the bedroom window, and man was he flying to that front door, desperate for it not to be a joke. He was a complete bundle of nerves, being teased with seeing me and all that.

I dialed his number and let it ring until he got home. When he picked up and didn’t say anything, I asked if he was going to talk or not, then asked him why he was running so quickly as if his life depended on it. All he said was, “Oh, just making a move.”

Well, that sure was quite a move for the little desperate boy!

I told him it was his April Fools I owed him and that I wanted to do it before I ended our friendship which was right now. He says, as I knew he would, “I’ll be seeing you. I’ll be around.”

I couldn't care less if the bastard spies on me, and I’m sure he will cuz he has no guts to come face me personally. Hey, the guy’s desperate. After all, he hasn’t made it with anyone in 5 years because he could never get anyone but a hooker. He has no friends. His phone will never ring anymore except for his mother. If he wanted company or to go do something, he has no friends to call. He deserves what he has and that’s nothing.

All I know is I had a hell of a grand time using him and he’s a sucker for it, too. I asked him if he realized I was using him, and he said yes. As hooked on me as he is, he couldn't care less, though. If anyone else asked him to take them to the store he’d say he was too tired or that he didn’t feel like it.

In 20 minutes, I have to return to school and take a test over that I failed because of long hard words I can’t even pronounce, then I’ll bust my ass working on the mannequins. School can get boring!

Later…

When I went back to school, I learned how to give a manicure and worked on my pin curls. I took two tests and got a 92% on both of them. Not bad.

You won’t believe what a hell of a night I had ranking on Nervioso. I sent him 3 pizzas and chicken from Quickies. The delivery guy was pissed.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13, 1988 I found out some baffling information about why I was put on disability. Mom says it’s cuz I could never hold a job, but social security says it’s cuz of my ear. Somebody’s lying somewhere.

Another thing is that when Ron and I went over to my parent’s house and told them we wanted to get married (God only knows why I ever considered marrying an ugly loser like he was!) they tried to convince me that if I got pregnant, I’d probably have a miscarriage or the baby would be deformed or have other problems cuz of the DES (a drug my mother took to keep from miscarrying me).

Dad was saying, “Would you want your kids to have the same problems you do?”

I just called a GYN that said that that’s pure bullshit. He said that if I really did have a chemical imbalance, it wouldn’t be because of the DES. Nor would my ear be. My parents just want me to believe I’d be an unfit mother. As if they were the greatest parents themselves!

Whether or not I really was DES-exposed, I believe I was an accident. Even Philip agrees. Larry’s 12 years older and Tammy’s 8½. People don’t normally space their kids out like that.

I’d love to view her medical records, but I’d need her permission and she’d never go for it. It seems my life has been based on too many lies. It’s not comforting to catch your own parents in lies. How can I trust them?

When Kevin’s sister Judy called the folks to bitch about my prank phone calls to her, after Kevin stupidly gave her their number, Dad told her that they were trying to get me into an institution down there and that they were paying my roommate to watch me.

I confronted Dad with this bullshit. He said nothing and ma denied it, but their silence spoke a thousand words. I believe his motivation behind that was to try to make Judy feel sorry for me so she wouldn’t prosecute, but she couldn’t have if she wanted to.

Tammy says that Ma was abused as a kid, but I don’t know too much about it. Ma does all her talking to Tammy. I’m too “mental and immature” for either of them to speak to. Whether or not she was abused herself is no excuse to be abusive.

Tammy lies just as much as Mom and Dad do. She says Mom never told her about my dispute with Jenny, which has ended our friendship, but I say that’s bullshit. There’s no other way she could find out. Whatever I tell Mom, she tells Tammy, and vice versa. In fact, I’m sure Tammy will run and call Mom to tell her what I discussed with her on the phone tonight. Only Tammy’s allowed to call. Not me. I’m too annoying.

As for the Jenny dispute, there’s not much to say there. I just got sick of her selfishness. I feel we’ve become too different over the years, too.

FRIDAY, APRIL 8, 1988 I started hairdressing school at La Baron over on State St. I have never felt better! There’s nothing like having something to get up for in the morning and believe it or not I’m having no problem getting up. Sometimes I wake up before the alarm goes off! I think I should’ve done this two years ago. I need structure and routine. It takes my mind off of other bullshit.