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jodilin65 · 8 years ago

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SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2016 Slept great on both the new mattress and mattress pad, and I’m going to try it without the pad tonight. The mattress pad definitely feels a little weird and it’s going to take some getting used to if I decide to use it. Even though the 3” pad isn’t very dense, it almost makes you feel like you’re sagging, and it’s also a little hard to move or roll over. If not, Tom will use it, so there’s no money wasted. I decided that rather than rotate the mattress periodically, I would sleep on the far side of the bed when I was sleeping at night since it’s closer to the street, and on the close side when I was sleeping during the daytime. I’m sticking to the close side until I decide which setup I want to go with.

Today was both fun and productive. Tom picked up a few groceries we couldn’t get online before I got up. I got up at 10:30 and by noon we were starting to lay down the new floor tiles in the laundry room and second bath. I’ve done many home renovations, but this is my first floor. Yeah, I’m kind of proud of myself. :-)

We got the pieces down that didn’t need cutting. The cutting is going to be the tricky part and that may take more time than the ones that didn’t need to be cut. I also wonder if there’s enough adhesive on these things, but if not we can always add some glue.

The floor is absolutely gorgeous so far. There’s no comparing the old and the new. This is so much brighter, shinier and prettier.

We’ll probably finish up tomorrow. Then all we have to do is go pick up our groceries and change both the rat cage and the air filters in the bedroom air cleaners.

So 2016 was still a damn good year for the most part. Sure thought it was going to end on a shitty note with those few anxious weeks I had. Other than some anxiety, the heatstroke I experienced on vacation and then Stacey’s shit, I’d say it was a pretty good year. I just hope my hormones get their act together in 2017!

My only real concern for next year is Trump. I still hope the sexist, gay/Jew-hating whore gets assassinated right along with Pence. We thought our stocks would take a huge hit because of them, but instead of a loss our 401 is now up to around 13K!!!

Signing off now with a copy of my letter to Stacey.

I thought I would let you know why I canceled our appointment, and to be perfectly honest, I’m doing this more to get things off my chest than because I feel like I owe you an explanation. It’s too long for a voicemail, and I didn’t want to send this to your business email in case it got caught in your spam box (the one with something like 4 letters and 4 numbers in the address). I also didn’t think it was appropriate to Facebook it to you or send it in the mail anywhere else I could have sent it.

First I want to make two things clear to you. The first thing is that my opting to cancel our appointment has nothing to do with my attraction to you. If a person is a good therapist and beneficial to me, then it doesn’t matter what they look like. I agree that my problem is probably physiological, and lovely or not, I really would have preferred to feel better and never see you again for this darn anxiety.

Second thing… The last thing I want is for this to offend or upset you in any way. That is absolutely not my intention.

That being said, you know how you told me you “thought it through” after I gave you my contact info? Well, so did I. After our last chat, I had a chance to reflect on things and it’s like you had 3 different personalities during the times I saw you. There was the first one that was almost quiet, easygoing and professional. There was the second one that was chattier and seemed to suggest that my fondness/attraction was welcome and mutual. And then there was the third one that came across as standoffish and cold.

Stacey, I really did feel like you gave me mixed signals no matter how unintentional I’m sure it was on your part. Also, I had no planned “outcome” in mind for us any more than I thought you did. BUT… I did have hopes that you gave me. Not that we would become lovers or anything like that after I finally got a grip on my anxiety for more than two seconds, and not that we would be friends who would go out shopping and dining together. Nor did I expect that we would visit each other at our homes, but more along the lines of some form of phone or digital communication from time to time. You seemed quite happy to receive my contact info and then I remember you saying something to the effect of, “Thank you for this, Jodi. I just didn’t want you to get the wrong idea about my not going to your blog. That’s just not something I do.”

This led me to believe that the attraction part of it was mutual, even if neither of us had any grand plans for any particular outcome. Forgive me if I perceived you incorrectly and got you all wrong as much as it’s hard for me to believe I could suddenly become this bad at reading people. Like you said you are, I’m usually pretty intuitive. But if I got this one wrong I totally apologize for it. Totally.

I usually try to be an open person, but perhaps I should have done a better job of hiding the crush, kept my mouth shut, and not been so forthright about it.

I can’t go so far as to say I feel like I had my head played with, and I know that you never actually came out and said anything directly about being attracted to me, but it was in your body language, some of the things you said, the way you said them… or so I at least thought.

When I thought you were attracted to me and that we might keep in touch between or after our sessions, this really lifted my spirits and gave me something that I thought I had to look forward to in addition to the good things I already have going for me in life, however naïve of me this might have been.

Guess I’m either a million times worse at reading people than I gave myself credit for, or maybe there was something there that you started to feel and then you feared it might go too far or something like that. Only you can know the answer to this, but if you were attracted to me in any way, I certainly don’t expect you to admit it and apologize for how the whole situation has made me feel. You’re the last person I would’ve guessed would make me end up feeling this way. I’m hurt and it’s going to take time to recover and bounce back from this, but I will.

I have deleted the positive review I gave you on Yelp now that I kind of see you in a different light. My trust has been shaken and my respect for you lowered a bit. Let’s just say that I looked up to you, I admired you, and then I came to see that you might not be as real as I thought you were. As my husband agrees, this has had a big effect on me that basically shattered me and kicked me back down a rung or two emotionally, although I still believe you didn’t intentionally set out to make me feel this way, and I know I’ll get over it in time. But whether you meant to make me feel led on or not, I still feel the way I feel. This is part of why I keep to myself. It may be boring this way at times, but it’s safer. No misunderstandings this way.

Like I said, I never had any set expectations, but just a little bit of hope for ongoing communication because you always had a way of making me feel better. I’m not going to lie to you, though. The last time I left your office I felt disappointed, confused, surprised and a little angry instead of calmer and a bit more hopeful about life in general. I just would have preferred it if you’d told me when I gave you my contact info that that wasn’t something you did any more than blog visiting. I would have understood, and I do understand that you have certain rules and guidelines to stick to. Nonetheless, I’m a woman of my word and my contact info is still yours to do as you please, though I don’t see what you’d need it for at this point.

For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think you’re a bad person or a bad counselor. I saw a counselor a few times before seeing you, and while she didn’t harm me, she wasn’t helpful. Seeing her was like going to a restaurant and not being served. I was resistant to therapy at first because I just didn’t see at the time how telling one more person about what happened with the medication would help. But it did. The EMDR may not have made my life a bowl of cherries, but I definitely believe I may have more panic attacks without it. The tapping still helps at times, too. I will always carry these coping tools with me throughout my life.

Aside from any negative feelings going through my mind, I honestly don’t know that you could have helped me much more than you already have, as intelligent as you are. You can’t make my perimenopause go away, and if I’ve suppressed some horrible memory, we may never know if it’s a real memory or not, just like you said. And what if it was? Whatever may’ve happened to me couldn’t be undone, could it?

There were also a couple of minor issues like some inconsistencies in some of the things you told me. The last time I saw you, you said you didn’t remember your dreams, but I swear you told me a few sessions ago that you too, have had dream premonitions. Maybe you just usually don’t remember your dreams?

I would also get a little frustrated with how many things I’d tell you that you’d forget. I totally get, however, that you have many patients and that it’s hard to keep track of everything everyone tells you, and maybe my expectations are a little high because I usually have a great memory. Like nearly eidetic. Not just with big things but I’m able to recall the most mundane of details such as every outfit I’ve seen you wear, etc. Yes, I’d remember even if you were ugly.

You asked what I thought I learned from all this. Well, I learned that anyone can change, no one is necessarily who we think they are, and anyone is capable of just about anything. Even leading us on while they may not realize it or intend to do so.

What have you learned?

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2016 “It’s sad that when I push people away they just go and they don’t even try to stay.”

Aly “liked” this quote on Twitter. Who the hell is she kidding? Did I not try to stay? Or has she simply forgotten this already? Damn, I need to stop reading her tweets. God, give me the strength to ignore anyone from my past who may one day reach out to me, not that I expect them to. The sad thing is that I would probably be willing to talk to at least a few of them. Why am I still too forgiving? Andy and Paula no, but Nane, Maliheh, Aly and Stacey would still be hard to ignore if they ever contacted me, especially Aly and Stacey.

Because he’s more married to his job than me (and I don’t mean that in a bad way), we haven’t had a chance to swap the mattresses again. Besides, it said to let the new mattress pad lay out somewhere for a couple of days where it can have a chance to expand. Since today is his last day until Tuesday, we’ll swap mattresses when he gets home.

I just hope I feel well enough to do the floors this weekend!

Slept ok last night. Lungs were a little tight when I woke up, but relaxed later on. My throat is better today and my nasal allergies backed off as of yesterday now that I’m back on the spray. Not feeling anxious or fatigued today. I went on a 15-minute walk and will do another 15 minutes on the Bowflex.

The sun was warm and the air was cool. On the way back I was warm enough to take off my hoodie. I was surprised because it’s been so damn cold here. I said hello to a couple with a dog by the lake, and to Bob along the way. I also exchanged hellos with him a couple of days ago on the way to pick up the mail when he was taking down their Christmas lights.

Started another story, so that makes 3 unfinished ones. Maybe someday I’ll be able to focus better and for longer periods at a time. It isn’t always just a lack of concentration, but sometimes I do get busy with other things and I just don’t have the time.

Now that I’m caught up on my shows, I’m going to look for a new show to get into on Netflix when I’m eating or on the skier. The next season of Bates Motel is going to be added next month. This is good, but I hate having to try to remember where the story left off. Wish they would stop deleting things, too.

Three times today and three times yesterday I heard the park making their landscaping racket with their insanely loud blowers. I don’t understand why I have to hear this shit nearly every single day. Why do they need to do this more than once a week???

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2016 Good God, what am I going to do if I ever need medication for something that’s a matter of life or death since just about every single thing I take seems to cause problems?! Sure enough, I had to stop the Estroven because I awoke with an irritating tingling sensation in my throat and mouth. I looked online and found that this can happen, though it’s supposed to only be to a small percentage.

The sore throat I had on Tuesday was more consistent with a cold which my body fought off in less than a day as it usually does. But this feels more similar to a thing called thrush that kind of leaves this strange/gross sensation in your mouth, which I sometimes get if I stop eating yogurt.

I called the number on the box and spoke to a woman who said that this is “expected” to happen. Really? Because I swore I read online only 3% have this reaction. Either way, she couldn’t tell me if I would get worse or how long it would last, but I think it’s safe to say it’s not going to kill me. I gargled with saltwater and now all I can do is wait it out. I’m guessing it will be better tomorrow. This sucks big time because I think it really might have been helping with the anxiety and even making me sleep better. The insomnia was back last night and I was up for something like 19 hours, but I’ve been sleeping a little better overall. So now my anxiety may return and I’ll just have to tough it out on my own, wondering if it’s my thyroid pills, but pretty sure it’s the perimenopause while never knowing when it’s going to fucking end. I realize, though, that the sooner I let it come back, the sooner I can not only learn to adapt to it once and for all as horrible as it is, but it’s a great diet tool too, and I still have another 20 pounds to go, though I would settle for 15.

The only other thing I feel so far today is fatigue. My body is acting PMSy again, though I don’t know why. I just had a period less than two weeks ago. But my fatigue and hunger levels are up (though I’m not that hungry today), I’m retaining water, and my boobs are sore.

I began to feel a little anxious towards the middle of my day yesterday for about five hours and decided to skip my pill today in case there’s still a connection. I’m just tired of having to suffer one thing or another nearly every single fucking day of my life. Why can’t I just LIVE my life?!

Just got a message from Zaradhe. She confirmed that my stress test was normal, please schedule to see Doc A after my March labs, please consider another counselor, and am I on the shrink’s waiting list? They have cancellations, she told me.

When I turned around and called the Behavioral Health department, however, I was told the shrink doesn’t have any cancellations.

Argh, fuck this shit! I honestly don’t know how much more I can take! I burst into tears… what happened with Stacey, the anxiety, the perimenopause, the Estroven, the levothyroxine, the scary unknown… it’s all too much for me at times.

As for another counselor… I not only don’t know that I could trust one, but I honestly don’t know if one could help me any more than Stacey had before what happened between us happened, which not surprisingly, I didn’t receive an apology for. How much more can I learn about anxiety and the tricks to combat it? I’ve researched online. I’ve talked to the experts. I really think I’m doing all that can be done and that the only other thing that may help is to try to find a medication that’s not only helpful but that doesn’t have unacceptable side effects. Good luck to me with that one.

I’m still shocked, hurt and a little angry over Stacey, but doing better. This is the kind of shit you expect with the young and naïve. Not a 58-year-old therapist.

So I’m sitting here worrying and wondering about this and that, and then I got a reply from Eileen. I had asked her if she still wanted to stay connected on Facebook because I wasn’t hearing from her very often. Turns out her daughter’s husband tried to kill her last August and the guy is awaiting trial. The daughter has been in the hospital and trying to work to support two kids, so everyone’s both shocked and exhausted.

This made me realize that while things may be bad enough for me right now, they could be a lot worse. I’m so glad Tom and I said “no” to kids in the end. That would have been more people to worry about when it’s enough to worry about ourselves.

“Some days you’re up, some days you’re down.” Tammy recently told me this, and this is so true. She’s so right on that one! I haven’t had anxiety yet today but I sure have had my share of stress and frustration on top of the throat irritation and having to hear landscaping on and off all fucking day.

I had a dream I was in an expensive boutique. The two women that worked there, one older and a younger one appearing to be a lesbian, showed me various items and gave me the ridiculous price of each one. The lesbian let me have a one-piece pajama outfit for free that was so small it could only fit a toddler.

I hugged her for it and hoped that they would finally present some desirable items at a reasonable enough price as a way of showing my gratitude for the free item. I finally settled on a $12 bottle of nail polish, even if it wasn’t a great color.

Then I was in a restaurant and I started to leave without my purse (I seem to do that a lot in dreams). I went back and retrieved it and then I “skated” off down the street with Tom and some woman on what looked like a dolly.

In the last dream, Tom and I were discussing moving to Florida and whether or not it was something we really wanted to do.

Oh, I sure hope I survive to have that conversation someday.

Later…

I think that tomorrow I’m just going to start taking the levothyroxine as directed and stop trying to change, stop or control the anxiety. The anxiety was meant to be for a reason and the sooner I let it come back, the sooner I can begin to adapt to living with it. I mean this is me now. This is me. It may not be me every single day, but it’s something I’m going to experience regularly enough and it’s not going to go away for good anytime soon if it ever does. Tom reminded me that nothing stays the same, and while it’s logical to assume it’s not forever, I can’t know that for sure.

So if it was my thyroid meds making me anxious, the anxiety will soon return as I get regular again with my doses. If it was the Estroven that’s backed it off the last couple of days, then the anxiety is still going to return because I’m not taking that anymore. I just have to remind myself that it’s only a feeling and it can’t kill me.

Aly’s tweets are the usual stuff. Riddles and complaints that Kim’s not around as much. I think they must keep in touch daily on other sites, though.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2016 I can’t believe someone threw a beer can on the side of our lot. This is the last place I would have expected that in a gated, upscale adult community, seemingly the runner-up luxury park in the area. There were even a few sips of beer left in it. I dumped it out and threw the can in the recycle bin.

It’s SO damn cold out there! Again I think I’ll work out indoors. Maybe I’ll just do that until February or March. LOL

Anyway, I didn’t have any anxiety yesterday and I had almost no lung tightness. No hot flashes either, though I did wake up warm a few times. Anxiety is still mostly at bay, but I don’t feel as calm as yesterday.

The sore throat I had yesterday is gone, but my nasal allergies are still acting up. It’s going to take a few days for my nasal spray to kick in. It’s not one of those as-needed things.

I was surprised to see that they did check my estrogen during my last round of lab work, as well as a CK test. First I thought this was something that was related to hormones, but according to our research, it checks to see if you’ve had a heart attack in the past. The numbers are up just a little bit, but nowhere near being worrisome.

We were looking up reference ranges for estrogen, and because different regions measure differently, we can only guess that yes, my estrogen is down since last August.

Later…

Stacey should get my letter today. I’m guessing it would be delivered anytime between something like 9:30 - 3:30. The question is when will she actually read it? She might not read it until she gets home, but my guess is that it will be read before she goes to bed.

There’s a tiny part of me that wishes she would call about it and even feel a little bad about it, but this is still more to get it off my chest than to upset her. I think if she feels anything at all she would be a little pissed. But contrary to Arizona’s beliefs, I have just as much right to express myself as anyone else, and I did it in a decent and legal way.

My guess is she’ll just file or toss the letter and I’ll never hear from her again, but at least I will have made myself heard to her, so I can move on without feeling like there’s any “unfinished business” between us.

I don’t know if the confidentiality laws extend to mail, but I would think that unless there were any threats, it would, not that I really care if she shares the letter with anyone. I would, however, prefer that none of my other doctors know about it. If Doc A asks me to elaborate on why I stopped seeing Stacey, I’ll tell her. Otherwise, it’s no one else’s business and I think it should be kept between Stacey and I.

In last night’s dream, I was sitting in the waiting room where a pharmacy was nearby. I sat next to a black guy and there were maybe about 10 people in the room.

The pharmacist, an older white guy, called me up to question me about my insurance or something like that.

I jumped up without taking my purse and told him to hang on while I grabbed my purse because I didn’t want anybody to snatch it. So I got the purse and returned to the counter where I had to squeeze in front of two ladies that were now present.

A large white woman started to complain about how I muscled around her, but I just ignored her.

Then I was complementing these colorful designs on a young woman’s shirt, which seemed to change at random. I asked how the design changed and the woman wearing it said that she was the one that changed the designs.

Then I made some ridiculous comments like, “Wouldn’t it be funny if it was used as toilet paper?”

Later…

I was just sitting here thinking about how great Stacey looked the last time I saw her. I never saw her look so good. Pretty sure she never wore that much makeup before. I might have seen her with mascara before, I’m almost positive I never saw lipstick on her before except for in her medical photo. I can’t help but wonder if she took extra care of making herself up for me. Maybe on some subconscious level, she wanted to really show me what I could never have, even for just a friend.

She should have read my letter by now. I’ve read it myself several times and I wonder if maybe it sounds a little too cold. Oh well. What’s done is done.

I found it a little ironic that I got a missed call which I traced to an individual named Lisa in San Francisco. Funny too, because she has a sister named Lisa in San Francisco. Wrong last name, though, unless she recently married.

I was also remembering how Andy once said that there had been some people he thought would make great roommates until he got to know them a little better and realized that no, they wouldn’t. I can kind of relate. I mean I get what he’s saying. It was easy to think that Stacey would be easy to live with and how she was oh so easy-going and all that, but now I think that she might actually be a bit pushy and judgmental about some things. I totally and honestly believe that Tom is the only man in the United States willing to support his wife. I don’t think anyone else out there could love anyone enough to accept and support my kind of sleep disorder and driving phobia, especially the sleep disorder, since that’s what’s essentially keeping me from working outside of the house. Maybe we really do have guardian angels of sorts, and maybe we’re really not given more than we can handle, because if it weren’t for Tom, what would I have done when they kicked me off the disability over 20 years ago? Now that’s an incredibly scary thought.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2016 Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day, and today is starting off amazingly blissfully calm after sleeping better than I thought I would. Would I have felt this way without the Estroven? Or is the Estroven finally helping? I guess I may not know for a while… unless the anxiety kicks up sometime later on.

The better I feel, the more my appetite picks up. Last night I ate the house down while Netflixing. I’ve already gained back a pound so I’ve got to be careful. Still in training when I can be. Loving the muscle I see, but hating the craters. Again, shitty genetics. I had traces of them even when I was young and very skinny. Despite my flaws, my legs are now looking the best they’ve looked in their 51 years of life. Still have a good 20 pounds or so to lose, and that idea is still a little scary because of how my meds may affect me.

Meanwhile, I made the appointment I shouldn’t have canceled with the shrink, but unfortunately I’m on a waiting list and won’t be able to see her for nearly half a year. I was told that if I can get in sooner than May 25th, they’ll let me know. Why so damn long, though? Is there a shortage of psychiatrists, or are there that many anxious people around?

I updated my PCP about that, canceling Stacey, and starting Estroven. I asked her to let me know if there’s anything else she wants me to do in the meantime.

So now Stacey can sit and wonder why I canceled until tomorrow or the next day when she gets my letter.

Rachel (vigilante) said I should write the letter but not send it. They thought I should tell her directly and that dialogue would be good for us. Well, we had our “dialogue.” It’s just that after our last appointment I had time to reflect on things we discussed during that session, and then I decided to write the letter so that if I worded anything wrong I had a chance to edit it. Now we’re done with each other and it’s time to move on… even after the slightly worrisome dream I had last night.

In the dream, I woke up to tell Tom about a manuscript that the old lady in Texas sent me that I was all excited about, but instead there was some strange guy sitting in the living room. The only words I remember him saying were “police department” and “didn’t you know you were supposed to…”

The dream seemed like it might have taken place in the Phoenix house, and even though I immediately suspected Stacey was behind it, I played dumb all the way.

I didn’t write anything even remotely against the law, and I highly doubt anything up there would allow me to be screwed over by someone in which I knew their location. It’s always been people of authority or with a hold on me or that I didn’t know where they were that have coincidentally been given the privilege of fucking me over.

I’ve also been told that Xanax is addicting and often abused and that I should go with Buspar. They said it was safer and not habit-forming. I guess everybody is different because others say Xanax is helpful and non-addicting. For now, there’s nothing I can really do but hope the Estroven will help, and take a lorazepam as needed.

I agree with Cassie that melatonin likely induced the nightmares I had a couple of nights ago. That and Claritin D have been known to trigger nightmares.

I had another dream where I appeared to be very thin, might have been yelling at my PCP, and wrote in my blog that I needed less sleep than I did 20 years ago. I think there might be a grain of truth to that last one.

Anyway, my only complaint so far today is that I have a sore throat. I almost feel like I have a cold. Now wouldn’t that be just a real ray of fucking sunshine as opposed to anxiety? If it is a cold, my body will likely kill it by the end of the day. Remember, it kills things it’s not supposed to kill.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2016 Here’s something interesting. I checked Dr. O’s Facebook to see if she may be out of town, since she has family in New York, though she has checked messages from there in the past. She’s listed as having 13 friends, though only 9 are visible to me.

Also, Alyssa’s “add friend” button is visible again. Did she recently make it that way to me to see if I’d try to get her to add me again? Or did she simply finally get around to declining my request, which would make it visible again?

Today has been better than yesterday, but as always, tomorrow may be as shitty as yesterday was. It’s gotten harder to enjoy the good times because I know they won’t last, but I’m still trying my best.

I slept better last night even if it was only for about five hours, and I don’t remember a single dream.

We were going to go treasure hunting at Goodwill, but when we saw how crowded the parking lot was we decided not to bother. Instead, we got gas and then picked up our groceries at Walmart.

Later…

Unwinding from what turned out to be a pretty good day. Started to get a little borderline, but overall I was okay. The big question is how I’ll feel tomorrow. This bipolar life has got to end soon!

I looked up the shrink I stupidly canceled that I was supposed to see before I saw A, and it turns out it’s a woman, not a man. Who the hell names their daughter Sufen? LOL, she’s Asian. I’m hoping that since she graduated college in Maryland in 1995 that she won’t have a fucked up accent that’s hard for me to understand. She’s got two 5-star reviews on Yelp and she’s ugly as hell. That’s all I know right now about her.

Tom and I went for a short walk at which time I put Stacey’s letter in the mailbox. She’ll get it on Wednesday or Thursday. Trying to imagine her reaction when she reads it, not that it matters. She’s going to take it however she’s going to take it and that’s on her, but if I had to guess, she’ll be pretty pissed. People just don’t like being called out on their shit, even if they’re guilty and they know it.

My mattress topper should be here tomorrow, and on Wednesday I’m expecting 72 salty caramel cappuccino K-cups. We also ordered new filters for the air cleaners.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2016 Last night was an absolutely hellish night. I was up for about 20 hours. I felt horribly anxious and I slept just as horribly.

Towards the end of my day, I had the full spectrum light on to charge my keyboard and I wonder if that might have been what gave me a hard time falling asleep. Figures it could keep me up but not keep me on a schedule.

I finally took a melatonin at about 11 PM. These are 3 mg. It did nothing for me. As tired as I was I couldn’t fall asleep until around midnight and I kept waking up constantly from horrible dreams.

The worst dream was me walking out of the bedroom and into the living room where Tom was. I seemed to be disoriented. He looked at me with a mixture of concern and disappointment. Next thing I know he’s on the floor throwing up on all fours. Then he was saying that he thought he was having a heart attack.

I said I would call 911 and he said not to do that.

In another dream, I seemed to be totally alone. I guess I didn’t know Tom, and I might have recently gotten out of some jail or hospital. Charlotte and Jim were still alive and I called them. Jim answered and we started talking. He seemed friendly at first and then he asked who I was. Not realizing he didn’t know who I was up front, I told him my name and he said, “You’ve got the wrong number, buddy,” in a very cold tone before he hung up on me.

I then felt totally abandoned.

I got back up at 5:30 and felt just horrible. My weight hit a new low of 145.8. What would normally be exciting has gotten scary. I’m the one that used to have to bust her ass squeezing off 3 pounds a month, and now it’s coming off with little effort. Tom doesn’t think I’ve been eating that much, and while the anxiety has snuffed my appetite a bit, it seems like I still have more calories than I should to lose weight on some days. Maybe even most days.

So I got up and felt anxious, weak, dehydrated and hopeless.

I skipped my thyroid pill and had three chicken wings and a fruit cup. Then I woke Tom up and we talked. I took a lorazepam and fell back asleep until 11:30.

I want to hear from an expert as to whether or not my lower TSH alone could fuel my anxiety, so I messaged Dr. O.

A part of me is tempted to quit my thyroid medication forever because all my problems began after that entered the picture. But I’m still sure perimenopause has a hand in this as well. It’s just that Tom thinks it’s all that, along with Stacey having a big effect on me that basically shattered me by the way she led me to believe we would be friends, while I’m still suspicious of the pills.

The only thing missing from the equation is that my heart hasn’t raced or beat as hard nearly as much as it did the last two times I had problems on this medication. The “mindfuckers” aren’t present either.

But like I told Dr. O, the anxiety that feels more in the chest as opposed to the solar plexus, lack of appetite, weight loss, occasional runs and intermittent lung tightness, makes me wonder.

When Dr. O tried me on 88 mcg, I’m pretty sure I started around September 26th. It was October 29th when things really came to a head. That means that if it is the pills and I keep taking them consistently, I’m going to be in big trouble right after the New Year.

Not knowing for sure what’s causing what or how long it’s going to last is driving me absolutely crazy. It’s scary to think that this could go on for years. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to survive much more of this shit. My dreams alone tell me there’s no sunshine on my immediate horizon.

We canceled our plans to do the floors this weekend because of how shitty I feel. As Tom said, they’ll get done when they get done. The floors are the least of my concerns right now.

Next week I will cancel Stacey and reschedule the shrink. After the new year, I will update A and ask not only if she wants to see me sooner, but also about the Xanax that Tammy recommended. She said it’s not addicting and that it’s helped her tremendously with anxiety.

Stacey’s letter of explanation will eventually be sent as well. I’m doing it more to get things off my chest than because I feel I owe her an explanation. Still not going to report her because I don’t think she meant to do what she did, I can’t prove it anyway, and it’s just my word against hers.

Wonder if she’d be cited for misconduct and inappropriate statements had I secretly videotaped her? Only that’d be illegal and therefore not admissible. I almost feel like I’ve been “Johnsoned.” She kinda kicked me back a rung or two emotionally, but I will survive her. It’s the anxiety I’m not sure I can survive, regardless of what’s causing it.

The Rose Marie Rathbun account is back up.

Uh-oh. Just learned my nieces lost their grandfather. I’m assuming this is the guy in his 90s that was Bill’s dad. Again, sorry for the girls, but not “sorry.” Didn’t know the grandfather, though. Maybe he was a good guy, quite unlike his son.

I feel so bad for the women of Texas. Such a shit state. They cut free birth control from poor women. If they can’t afford birth control, how do they expect them to pay for the kids they didn’t want? And if they put them all up for adoption, who are all these people that are going to adopt them or that would even want to? Kids aren’t the in thing these days. It’s all about careers and making money. Not that I’d ever want to live in a country as fucked as India, but if I did, no one would ever question my lack of job and not driving. Ever.

Seriously, what’s wrong with this world? They’ll give the money they were funding the BC with to some other country.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2016 My weight hit a new low of 146.0 yesterday. I’m already able to get around easier and even my joints have been better.

Rather than change Stacey’s positive review on Yelp to a mediocre one, I decided to simply delete it.

I’m getting backed up on things, so I’ll write more on Stacey later.

This is my third day on Estroven. Although it’s too soon to say whether or not it’s helping, I did sleep a little better last night.

I continue to suffer from on-and-off anxiety that is sometimes accompanied by a racing heart. Sometimes my chest feels tight and I go from hot to cold. Also, my muscles sometimes tense up and I tremble.

Decided to take this stable moment I’m having right now to catch up on writing. After hesitating a while, not wanting to put any more drama on Tammy’s shoulders when she has enough of her own, I finally decided to call her yesterday afternoon and she made me feel SO much better. She let me know she’s always there for me and that I can always call, and I really appreciate it. She’s had experience with a lot of the same shit I’m going through and I wanted to ask more about her experience with Estroven. The box said it could take up to a couple of months to feel the effects, Tammy said it was a week for her, but then some women may not benefit at all. I guess everyone’s different. It might be making me drowsy, though I’m not sure. Just in case, I’ll start taking it toward the end of my day when I go to eat for the last time. I do still get fatigued at times regardless.

Sometimes I get anxious and then I get frustrated because I got anxious which makes me depressed to the point of tears. The thought of possibly having to go through this for many more years to come is enough to make me want to scream. It’s like you don’t want to kill yourself but you don’t want to suffer either. Even though it shouldn’t be, I still worry the levothyroxine may be responsible for some of the anxiety, tightness and weight loss, especially since I tend to feel worse during the first part of my day. But I would still think that realistically, I’d be feeling a lot worse if it was the culprit, and more often.

The 22nd really sucked. First my meeting with Stacy didn’t go so well, then I was disappointed to find the new mattress was too firm, and then I went for my stress test.

The stress test was kind of fun and it went well. I was in and out quicker than expected, but hopefully we won’t have to go to this place again. Traffic and parking sucks in this location.

Tom was saying the other day how he misses Cigna, which we had down in Arizona. Everything was in one building, including the pharmacy. I agree. It was much better than having to go to different buildings in different towns.

So… at the cardiology department. Their goal was to bring my HR up to 169, but it just didn’t want to go over 166. Close enough, though. There was a nurse who took my blood pressure along the way, plus the technician.

Just like I was told it would, the treadmill increased in speed and incline at set intervals. I had to take off my shirt and bra and put on a johnny with the opening in front so that they could attach 10 different wires to my chest.

Everything looked good and my blood pressure did exactly what it was supposed to do. It started off normal, then the top number climbed to 30, then to 60, and then back to normal.

We ordered a 3” gel-infused memory foam mattress pad, and I hope it wasn’t a waste of additional money because I swear the new mattress looked fuller and felt plusher the next day. It gets better. We swapped mattresses temporarily, and then I decided to take my old mattress back until the mattress pad arrived, and I swear it’s not tilted anymore, LOL. But it does still sag a bit, and it would still fry my ass in the summer.

Last night I had this strange dream where I sent Doc A letters every now and then. Regular old fashion postal letters. I was talking to her in person and I asked her if she remembered me mentioning a certain thing (I don’t know what), and she smiled and said, “I don’t know. That was two or three letters ago.”

Then I was in “running school.” I was out on a field running with several other people. Then I went and called Tammy to let her know how I was doing there. A family-owned school and the area where the “student” phones were located was close to a couple of vending machines with notices on them saying they were off-limits. They were for the family only.

Then I noticed a leak nearby in some corner by a staircase and wondered if anybody else had noticed it.

Later…

I still haven’t decided if I’m going to see Stacey again (I don’t think so), but after discussing her in-depth with Tom, I feel a lot better at least where she’s concerned. Well, I still have 11 days to decide if I want to see her, see another therapist, or not see anyone at all.

If I cancel, though, I’ll call the main line and not her line. I thought about tipping her off by canceling on her line and letting her know a letter of explanation was on the way, but that would give her a chance to ignore it or let someone else handle it. Plus, she could spite me by saying I never canceled. I doubt she would do that, but I didn’t think she’d lead me on either, again, intentional or not.

I’m either going to bring the letter to her directly, or I’m going to cancel via the main line the day I drop the letter in the mail, then let her sit and wonder why I canceled without rescheduling while it takes a couple of days to reach her.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2016 My visit with Stacey was awful, I didn’t get the chance to tell her a lot of what I wanted to tell her, and for the first time ever I left there feeling disappointed, confused, stunned and a little angry. Yeah, that inevitable “change” has finally occurred. It’s like a third personality emerged or something, and she’s the last person I would ever have expected to turn out the way she has. I don’t know if I want to keep our January appt. The trust has been shaken and I’m not sure she can help me any more than she already has since we both agree this is likely physiological. So much so that I finally got desperate enough to try Estroven. I just felt too lousy to care about possible side effects.

Stacey herself recommended black cohosh and evening primrose. She said something about a gynecological procedure (I don’t remember what she called it) she had a decade ago that stopped her periods, but that she has experienced panic attacks and she’s still getting hot flashes at times, even at 58 years of age. Not knowing how many more years of suffering I could be in for, I decided on the Estroven that Tammy said she took after her hysterectomy. This is supposed to help with many symptoms but can take a couple of months to really take effect if it’s going to help.

The pharmacist said it could be taken with levothyroxine, just not at the same time, of course.

Anyway, the Stacey I saw yesterday is definitely not the Stacey I saw last summer. I totally see her in a different light now, and I wonder if the Stacey I looked up to and admired really is who I thought she was. Maybe she has some issues of her own?

I noticed as soon as she led me to her office that she seemed different. Her tone of voice. Her mannerisms. Even her office was different.

I asked if she noticed the difference in my weight loss and she shook her head no and she shut the door.

The feeling deepened.

Nonetheless, I took a seat in my usual place, and this time she sat at her desk and occasionally took notes. This was a good thing too, because one of my lesser complaints is her not remembering half the shit I tell her. I get that she has a lot of patients and can’t remember everything everyone tells her, but it’s still frustrating having to repeat myself so much. I almost feel like I’m dealing with Andy all over again.

I told her that I was both disappointed and excited to see her, and I admitted that I developed a crush of sorts on her.

“Well, you kind of told me,” she said.

She looked the best I’d ever seen her look. I usually prefer straight hair to curly hair. She usually straightens her hair, but this time it was both longer and curly and looked fabulous. She had more makeup on than usual which hid some of her plainness. Between this and that great body, she looked fantastic. She usually dresses in black or blue. This time it was blue, and when I told her she told me her favorite color was blue in a dream, she did admit that blue was a color she’d been liking lately.

I asked her if I had shown up in any of her dreams, and she said she didn’t remember her dreams. This is inconsistent with her telling me that she’s had dream premonitions. Maybe she just has dream premonitions occasionally?

She told me that my crush didn’t bother her but that she was concerned for me because she didn’t know if it would make working with her easier or harder. As I told her, it shouldn’t make any difference. If someone can help me and be beneficial to me in any way, then it doesn’t matter what they look like.

Then I asked her if she ever would have called me if I hadn’t called her, and she said no because it wasn’t something they (therapists) did. This confirmed my feeling that something was up. Something had changed.

“Can I ask you something?” I said.

She nodded.

“The last time I saw you you seemed happy when I gave you my contact info (I left out the part about where she said she didn’t want me to get the wrong idea when she told me she didn’t read my blog because that’s just not something she did, but it will be in the letter I plan to either give or send her). Why?”

She appeared caught off guard at first and a little put on the spot as she searched her mind for an answer. A few seconds later she said something to the effect of, “Well, I thought it through. I just thought it was nice of you to share. It was done in a way where I didn’t feel spied on or followed.”

This answer makes no sense. Why would you feel “spied” on or “followed” because somebody gives you their contact info? I wonder if she has some way of knowing I’ve looked in on her, though I don’t see how. I did admit that I was curious enough to Google her, as people do all the time with whoever, and that I did know a lot about her.

“It’s pretty easy to do these days,” she said in a tone that suggested I wasn’t smarter than anyone else by coming up with that idea or any magical info that others couldn’t find if they really wanted to.

Then she said something about how the last time I left I gave her every impression that that would be it and she only called me because I asked her to, which is true, and I appreciate it. What I don’t appreciate is the sudden change in her, but I still swear by what I saw. She gave me every indication that she liked me just as much as I liked her. The body language was there, the things she said, the way she said them, etc. I couldn’t be that bad at reading people all of a sudden.

It’s like there are three Staceys. There’s the first one who was quiet, easygoing and professional. There’s the second one that was bordering on flirtatious, or at least suggesting that my fondness for her was welcome and mutual. And then there’s this third one… distant, cold, telling me I’m never going to get the “outcome” I want.

But that’s just the thing. I never had any expected plan or outcome, though I did have hopes. I didn’t really think we would be lovers or friends, but I had hoped for at least some ongoing phone or digital communication either between appointments or after I finally managed to pull my ass out of Anxiety Land for more than five minutes. She gave me every indication to think that that’s what would have happened by her reaction when I gave her my contact info. That we would keep in touch.

I’m 51 years old and I still don’t know better. Yes, I blame myself just as much as I blame her for the mixed signals. I really would have appreciated it if she had just told me she couldn’t call me when I gave her my contact info. Would that really have been so hard? This is why I hesitate to have friends.

Maybe she really did feel something (I still stand by what I saw/heard), but then it scared her once she realized things could end up going too far, at least in her mind.

All I know is that her behavior is weird and I think it borders on inappropriate. On the flip side, I still think she’s a fantastic counselor. I think the EMDR has prevented me from having additional panic attacks, and sometimes the tapping still helps, too.

She got a kick out of how well-worded my description was of my old life versus this life where I wondered how my life got so bad when I was poor, and how I now wonder how it got so bad without being bad.

She asked if I thought I ended my sessions too soon, if I thought the past poverty was haunting me or my childhood, and I honestly don’t know, though I doubt it. I told her I did have a strange memory that could really be just a dream that I’m remembering, and asked if she worked on memory recall and how you could know if the memory was real or not. She said something like, “You don’t always know, but I’m pretty intuitive.”

She told me she thinks I had a horrible mother but that my problem is mostly physiological, and I asked her if she thought there could be anything else going on. She said she doesn’t know.

My guess is that there probably isn’t.

What else… her sister’s also going through menopause, being home alone so much can’t be good for me, Florida might be good for me, traveling might be good for me, etc.

I’ve got to learn from now on that no matter how obvious someone’s attraction/fondness for me appears, it doesn’t actually mean anything and I need to just ignore it. Why have I gotten this kind of shit from women for so long? Act like they like me and want to keep in touch, then become a totally different person to the point that you would never guess that they acted that way. If you don’t want to keep in touch with someone then why act like you do?

Our meeting might explain the plane crash I survived in my dreams the night before. We took off somewhere, then all of a sudden things got oddly quiet and we crashed into a shallow body of water. No one was hurt and I didn’t even seem all that scared.

In other words, she’ll let me down but I’ll survive?

I also swear I had another negative dream about her right before I saw her, but I’m not sure what it was about.

I came home depressed and tired and unsure if I should bother seeing her again. I have an appointment scheduled for January 4th. I have drafted a letter containing my thoughts to her, which as I told her, I chose to write so that I can edit it in a way I think is most understandable. I went over and over in my mind whether or not I should cancel the appointment and how to get the letter to her. I asked Tom if I should continue seeing her and he said if I thought I needed to talk to a therapist, I should see her.

Well, I don’t see the need to report her, but I do think some of her behavior wasn’t appropriate. So I decided to leave it to fate. If I can make the appointment I’ll hand her the letter, ask that she read it afterward (it’s over 1550 words) and then be the one to decide whether or not we should continue. If I have to cancel the appointment I’ll mail it to her at work. I’m 90% sure she’ll drop me either way, though.

The question I’ve asked myself after reading the draft several times is… could this letter get me into any kind of trouble?

I honestly don’t see how it could.

Also, could she have the power to spite me if it angers her in any way? I realized that anyone can change, no one is necessarily who we think they are, and anyone is capable of just about anything. I don’t think it would, but if it did piss her off, she could cry suicide on my behalf. She could call the police saying I threatened to kill myself over the phone or something and there would be no way to prove otherwise until phone records could be checked and verified. Hopefully, she would be smart enough to think it through and realize that even if she was initially believed, a lie like that could be proven eventually. God fucking help her if she ever did anything like that, but I think she’ll just read the letter, file it away, and end our sessions.

Since we were on the subject just yesterday, I checked out her house again. It’s big and nicer than I realized at first, and I think it’s a two-car garage, not a one.

Here’s one of those rare cases I feel jealousy kicking in as I did with Alyssa. Stacey’s life may not be perfect and she may not always feel great, but she seems to be a very capable person who has it all. Beautiful home, a husband who can obviously perform since they’ve got a kid, the right to choose if she wanted that kid in the first place, the ability to drive, keep a schedule, and have a great paying career. On top of that, she looks great for her age, though maybe a bit frail.

I really wonder if she hasn’t read my blogs like she said she hasn’t. It just seems like it would be so hard to resist the curiosity, especially now that she knows I like her, but I would be even more surprised if she hasn’t checked my Facebook profile.

Also, I noticed the sudden jump in Florida and Texas visitors. She has family in both states. But they don’t appear to have gone to Blogger, though. Just Prosebox. I don’t think my Prosebox account could be found that easily unless you’re really good at finding people’s accounts.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2016 Seeing Stacey in 7.5 hours. Exciting! I just wish I’d slept longer because I’ll be up for something like 14 hours by the time I hit the treadmill in Doc O’s building.

My new mattress came and I guess we’ll set that up either between appointments or before Stacey.

I can’t help but wonder… is she as excited to see me as I am excited to see her?

I’m just tired of suffering. My anxiety was low yesterday, but I had crying spells and my lungs were quite tight at times. So much so that I had pain in my upper back. Once again I started worrying about my medication, but upon reading through last year’s journal, I found that I had a TSH of 8.34 and said I was feeling great.

Didn’t have great dreams last night, though. We were on a plane when all of a sudden things got oddly quiet. Fortunately, we had just taken off and were able to land without injury and a shallow body of water. I wasn’t as scared as you would think I would be.

Then there was something about having to cut a vacation somewhere short. I don’t know why we had to end it but I was a little bummed out because it seemed to be fun.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2016 I don’t know how long it will last, but today I feel the best I’ve felt in days. I’m wondering if it’s because this kick-ass period is finally winding down or because Stacey is now just 26 hours away. Probably a little of both. More like 25 hours away, actually. So disappointed and so excited! LOL

I know she was in my dreams last night, but I don’t remember what it was about.

I’m still having a little trouble focusing, but I’m doing my best to keep up with things. Once the sun comes up a little more I’ll do some cleaning. Maybe I’ll get back to my editing projects, and go for a walk. Of course tomorrow I’ll be doing plenty of walking during the stress test.

A bag of mandarins was left by the back door and we’re guessing that it’s from the park since they appear to be store-bought and there was no card included.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2016 For the first time in years, I laid in bed yesterday morning with my phone nearby actually praying to God or anything that might listen for Stacey to please, please hurry up and call. My anxiety wasn’t the worst in that my heart wasn’t racing, but I still felt anxious enough. I remembered that the last time she called me to reschedule an appointment was around 9:30. I was hoping she’d check her messages as soon as she got to her office at 8:00, and call me before her first appointment of the day which I think starts at 8:30.

By 9:15 I was worried she might be on vacation but had forgotten to update her outgoing message, even though this seemed unlikely. And then… my ringtone was literally like music to my ears. I was so relieved she called!

She started off with something like, “Hi Jodi, this is Stacey A call—”

“Oh, thank God!” I cut her off with, and she laughed. So we spoke for a while and that alone made me feel SO much better. Although it’s with mixed emotions, I’ll be seeing her in just 2 days. I’m amazed she got me in THAT fast, but seriously appreciative. My anxiety has been like a regular little yo-yo and it’s getting old.

Part of me wishes I had our conversation recorded so I could replay it to see if I still perceive her tone of voice the same as I remember it to be. Did she really sound “unchanged?” Did she really seem happy to hear from me?

It’s just that I can’t help but remember that counselor from back east – Debbie, I think her name was – who gave me mixed signals before she dumped me. She and Stacey may be two different people, but I hope she doesn’t change, so to speak. I just have to be careful what I say and how often. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

When I first started with, “Oh, thank God,” I didn’t expect her to laugh. I thought she would have that lower-pitched, professional voice she started off with and kind of give an “oh,” of sorts that almost sounds like a grunt or a snort, then ask what was up.

My quick chat with Stacey got me feeling so much better that I was so wound up that I was unable to sleep, so I took lorazepam so I wouldn’t lay there forever. I feel better but still not good. I’m also still mostly sure that it’s the perimenopause and not my medication, but there’s still a tiny part of me that worries and it is, or that I somehow developed a freak anxiety disorder that I’m stuck with for life. Although I haven’t had the kind of mindfuckers the higher dosage gave me, I am having tightness on and off, which can also be a symptom of perimenopause. Again, it’s hard to distinguish when different things mimic the same symptoms. I turn the big air cleaner up which I sometimes forget to do. It’s just been way too cold to air the place out.

She was so funny because she kinda spoke in a way that sounded both goofy and cheery yet she wasn’t without empathy and understanding for what I was going through. If making the appointment can make me feel so much better, imagine how much better the actual appointment will make me feel. And yeah, I’m going to ask if she can keep me on as a regular for a while. I can’t even keep my ass out of Anxiety Land for a year.

The rest of the conversation went something like this:

Me: I was doing so well for so long.

Her: Oh, great.

Me: The plan was to call you in a couple of months, but first my sister had a heart attack.

Her: Oh, vey.

Me: She did survive and they put stents in her arteries, but the whole thing is scary. They’re going to do a stress test on me, and even though I think I’m still heart-healthy, I worry about this.

Her: Ayayay.

Me: One of my rats died…

Her: Aw.

Me: Things were going so well. I went vegan and lost a noticeable amount of weight.

Her: Wow!

Me: But then my anxiety came back and just when I thought I signed out of Bleederville for good after 3.5 months without a period, I get slammed full force with one. I asked a cyber friend who’s been through it if the anxiety can take a few months off and then return, and she said it could.

Her: Yeah, it can.

Me: Sometimes I even end up crying over nothing and everything. Tom suggested I call you a few days ago, and I wanted to but was afraid you would be disappointed in me.

Her: Oh no, anybody’s anxiety can return.

(Even though perhaps I shouldn’t, I still feel like a wimp. I’m just surprised and disappointed with this setback)

Her: Would you like to come in this week?

Me: Definitely. I could hug you for that.

Her: (a laugh?)

Me: I’ve missed you and I’ve thought of you every day, but this is not what I wanted. Despite the mixed emotions, I look forward to seeing you.

The only thing that struck me as odd was that she asked for my DOB. Again, if she likes me, wouldn’t she be curious to know this and have looked it up a long time ago?

Shortly after I hung up with Stacey, her secretary called to bump me up to 9:30, saying she would be out of the office at 8:30, which was when she scheduled me. 9:30 will be fine. It still gives us time between my stress test, which will be at 2:30.

Why did she schedule me at 8:30 if she knew she would be out of the office, and how come it wasn’t her who called back to reschedule?

I slept 9.5 hours and surprisingly I’m still a little out of it today. Maybe that’s because I’m still bleeding like a faucet. I’m also having a horrible time focusing. Concentration is usually a challenge for me because of my ADD, but it seems worse. My mind is racing like crazy. I’m excited to see Stacey, but I’m worried for myself.

Later…

Had to stop writing because I started feeling shitty. My lungs became tight, I was going from hot to cold, anxious, trembling, weak, and then I had a crying fit, prayed to God for whatever it was worth, and then all of a sudden I was fine. At this moment – in this very moment that I write these words – I actually feel normal. Tired but normal. I know it won’t last long, and I doubt prayer had anything to do with it, but I have noticed a pattern. I seem to feel best toward the end of my day. So what am I going to do from now on… suffer the first 10-12 hours of my day before I get a few hours of relief?

How I still wish I could wind back the hands of time to before this ever started and before I had any idea it was possible to even feel this way! How I wish I had more straightforward problems if I had to have them! Earaches… toothaches… colds… all so simple compared to this. There’s no mystery involved with those things, and you can usually see an end in sight.

I was reading back on past problems from years ago that seemed like the end of the world at the time. Yet I hadn’t seen anything yet. The real suffering had yet to begin.

I turned the large air cleaner up in the living room, hoping it would help my lungs. I can’t believe it could be that effective this fast, but I really should leave it on high more often. It’s just that I like to enjoy the peace of the night when I’m on nights.

In last night’s dream, I was in some house somewhere and it seemed like my MIL and SIL might have been there. They appeared to be upset with me and were giving me the cold shoulder. I couldn’t figure out why.

I went into a bedroom and started making a bed that was mine with floral sheets. Then I proceeded to head into the bathroom.

“Someone’s in here,” my MIL said, and I quickly backed out of the room.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2016 My anxiety is bad again after having a great ending to my day yesterday. I don’t even know how long I can stand to sit upright and make this entry. I may have to do it in spurts.

I was anxious for the first half of my day yesterday but in the last half, I actually felt great. We got the hell out and went to Walgreens for starters where I got a rainbow beanie baby, pink nail polish, candy, incense, and lavender bath bombs.

Then at Walmart, I got hair dye, soda, scented wax cubes, treats, and a wooden burrow for the rats.

I slept better, but not quite as long as I would have liked, and I’ve been tired and anxious all night. The only thing I had that made me feel better was a few chicken wings. So much for going vegan. Maybe I shouldn’t have waited 12 hours into my day to have it, so tomorrow I will “chicken out” sooner, even though I would still prefer to avoid meat. I didn’t want to take a lorazepam and fall asleep sooner than I wanted to, so that’s why I opted for the chicken. I also wanted to do some cleaning without stumbling around as if I were drunk. Lastly, I need to start staying up later for the stress test.

Most of all, I really, really need to get in to see Stacey, and I really, really hope I hear from her this morning and that she’s not on vacation, even though she didn’t mention being out of the office on her outgoing message.

Tom is sure that this is perimenopause and I’m almost sure it is too, but again, I wish I could know for sure and also know how long this shit is going to torture me. It really is getting to be too much. I’m getting to the point once again where I’m afraid to get out of bed each day. I’m having trouble focusing on things and it just really sucks. When we were broke I wondered how my life got so bad. Now I wonder how my life got so bad without actually being bad. I feel totally hated from above and like I’m destined to suffer no matter what.

I finally got a full flow and I thought that would help make me feel better, and I am a little better, but I’m still far from calm. Getting another period is really disappointing. I really thought both the anxiety and the periods were over. Maybe the fatigue and dizziness will return but I’ll take that over anxiety any day.

I’ve also been experiencing some depression where I just lay in bed and have crying spells. I keep asking myself, is perimenopause supposed to make a woman this emotional???

I did manage to do a few things. I took my Italian lesson, I did some cleaning, and I also did 20 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of strength training.

But editing my last story, beginning another story, and working on my monthly bio have been badly neglected. I just feel like lying around in bed so much of the time. It’s like I fear that if I move more it will aggravate my anxiety in the way movement aggravates my cramps.

I thought of calling Tammy, but she has her own problems and I’m not sure she would be all that supportive. We’re closer but not “close.” Kim is continuing to blow me off, too. I asked her a couple of days ago some questions about perimenopause and she’s completely ignoring me, so fine. Maybe Stacey will call me, like I said.

I just hope that if I do talk to her or meet with her she doesn’t appear “changed.” I’ve noticed this with some people who seem to really like you and care about you, and then suddenly they don’t. I mean I know she likes me. I just wonder if she’ll drop as many hints about it next time and still seem as flattered by any compliments I may give her, though right now my most important goal is trying to get this anxiety under wraps once again, and hopefully not just for a few months. I can’t even go a year for fuck’s sake! So yeah, I hope she’s as warm as she was before, but my emotions are what matters most and not what she’s thinking or feeling.

The only other thing I’m going to say for now is that the house on the opposite corner where that obnoxious contractor lived has sold. Hoping they don’t do the same thing, but you know what? I wish to hell noisy neighbors were my worst of problems right now.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2016 Sometimes it doesn’t seem very fair that I ask some people on a regular basis how they feel, yet they don’t ask me how I feel. Like Tammy, for example. Nor do I get a “hope you feel better soon” when they know I’ve been having a rough patch as I often give them when they fall into a snit.

shrugs I guess I’m just me and they’re just them, right?

Speaking of people, I did some self-analyzing and I realize that I still need to be a little more unforgiving than I tend to be for the sake of looking out for my ass. No, I wouldn’t forgive Maliheh or Andy, and I probably wouldn’t forgive Nane, but sadly, I may still be tempted to forgive Alison if she reached out to me, so this is something I feel I still need to work on. Being friends with her again would mean not being able to trust everything she told me, and eventually getting dumped again unless I took the honors first for some reason.

The only thing I’m good at (at least in my own personal opinion) is that I treat everybody the same. Meaning that if you abused me or you abandoned me, I’m still not going to forgive you for it even if you may be related to me. I figure people are still people whether we’re related or not and there’s never any excuse for certain behavior. My mother giving birth to me was never any excuse or ticket to be allowed to abuse me or to be worthy of forgiveness, and just because my father got my mother pregnant, I don’t see where he deserves forgiveness for sitting back and allowing her to do what she did. As for those estranged family members that chose to out themselves from my life… YOU chose that and that’s the way it stays. :-) I think more people should learn that once we make major decisions like that we can’t just change back and forth like we can with clothes.

So what I’m saying is… if someone dumps me or if I feel they’re toxic enough to dump them, related to me or not, that’s the way it should stay. I really hope, however, that anyone who is currently in my life will stay in it forever. I know nothing’s ever guaranteed, but I’d like that. :-) I’m getting too old to squabble over stupid petty shit with anyone. I just want peace. :-)

I know that different people have different beliefs and opinions when it comes to what/who’s forgivable and what/who’s not. Some people will forgive someone for beating the shit out of them simply because they’re family while they would never forgive a friend who said something mean to them in the heat of the moment. Do I personally think this is twisted? Yes, I do. But we all have the right to do what’s best for us.

I have more to write about, but right now I want to go soak in the tub and get some food in my surprisingly near-flat tummy. Will do another entry later.

Later…

Determined to finally get caught up with my writing, and write for me. Me first, online censorship second.

I felt better when Tom got up for work yesterday, and the rest of my day was fine. I would have slept better too, if it weren’t for the nightmare I had, but I’ll get to that later.

A couple of hours after getting up I had feelings of anxiety in my chest rather than the upper gut, and I’m starting to go beyond spotting, too. I am still hoping that I’m at the beginning of the end of the perimenopause. Based on what’s gone on over the last few years, and what I read and heard from other people, I should be. I am hoping that once my body gives up on trying to create real periods the anxiety that has been coming and going will back off for good.

There is still a possibility it could be heart/medication-related, but I hope not! I don’t think it is, but it sure would be nice to know instead of just think. The only times we were sure it was the med were July of 2014 and October of 2015 due to pocket flares and increased dosage.

For now, all I can do is enjoy whatever moments of serenity I can get. The lorazepam may make me feel calmer, but it renders me pretty useless because I get so drowsy that all I want to do is lie in bed. So anxiety medication really isn’t an option for me. The short-lasting ones make me tired and SSRI drugs have side effects. I just wish I were tougher and better at suffering when the anxiety really bites! I’m doing all I can to help myself, but it doesn’t always seem like enough. I’m just thankful that Stacey’s EMDR has helped make things a little less scary for me.

At the moment I feel okay, like I said. Just a little tired. I don’t think I’m going to sleep much better until the new bed arrives and that’s still about a week away. Since Tom will be home (this is his only day off this week, unfortunately) I’m going to try to skip the lorazepam today if I feel anxious again later so that I’m not drowsy. I want to be able to do things. We’re going to be going out shopping real early in the morning. Just fun shopping that we do once a month or so, and nothing major.

I don’t remember who it was, but some celebrity who had a baby said she swore she would not let herself get depressed afterward, but she did anyway, that’s how powerful our hormones are. They control us and not the other way around as much as it would be nice if that were the way it could be. So yeah, positive thinking is great, but it doesn’t always cut it. I ended up bawling my eyes out for a good hour or so last night before Tom got up, and I found my thoughts turning dark. If only – if only I could know how much longer this anxiety will go on. If I knew our hunch was right and that it was the perimenopause and that it would end within a year or so, I could handle that. But if I knew it would go on for 5-10 years or maybe even the rest of my life, I would probably end it all. This is too much to manage for that long, especially since medication isn’t really an option. Even Stacey didn’t seem to think highly of anxiety medication, especially since you can still have symptoms with the medication.

When it started back up again, I knew it wouldn’t be just for a few days. Nothing is ever that short and sweet for me. I just never get off that easy. This will probably go on until at least March. And all my problems as a whole do last for years and are long-term. Well, it’s been 2.5 years already. Enough is enough.

Then what? Back to poverty? People trying to seek legal revenge for some reason? Almost anything would be better than this shit!

Here’s something weird. I came across a Rose Marie Rathbun on Facebook who’s from Texas and living in Arizona. When I first glanced at her face I thought I detected a hint of familiarity, but the eye color wasn’t the deep brown I remember it to be. This person also had gray hair and was listed as a social worker. Somehow I doubt Rosemarie, as briefly as I knew her, would let her hair go gray. I also can’t imagine the insensitive judgmental bitch as a social worker.

Nonetheless, I asked her if she lived in the Vista Ventana Apartments in 1992 and had a boyfriend named Rick. She said she didn’t and then I thanked her before she blocked me.

Now why in the world would she block me for asking if she was a certain person from a certain place? My only guess is that it could be for downloading a couple of her really beautiful desert pictures, but I don’t think anyone can know that. They know if we share their pictures, but not if we download them. I just wonder if she really does have something to hide or if she’s paranoid and maybe thinks I’m someone else, but either way, it is a bit strange. Unless she’s wearing contacts and decided to become a whole different person, I doubt it’s her.

Hmmm… Maybe her disappearance has nothing to do with me because I couldn’t even access her profile from Tom’s account. Unless the real Rosemarie read my journal, looked up Tom and blocked him, it’s not her. She never knew my last name any more than I knew hers. I’d say she deactivated the account.

A few days ago Aly tweeted: Lost a friend not worth fighting for but gained respect for a few people along the way. Also, she’s glad she stayed calm last night and has to remember that she controls her anger and not the other way around.

This is no surprise at all, though I would really love it if Kim dumped her ass. That would be the real karma for her. Between Aly’s lies and clinginess, she’ll just keep dumping people and they’ll keep dumping her. Kim is simply too crazy to let Aly go, and Aly hangs onto her because Kim doesn’t dare tell her what she doesn’t want to hear.

I can still smell my cucumber melon bath bomb. I usually don’t smell them after I get out of the tub.

So I had a dream I overheard Alyssa tell someone that she had a CD for sale on Amazon (of her singing?), and then in another dream, I realized I had been single for quite some time and didn’t want to change that.

Then I had a long, detailed, scary dream where I seemed to live in some other neighborhood somewhere. I was outdoors and in the area but not by our house. I’m not sure what I was doing, but a dark-haired woman in her late 30s was standing nearby.

I said hello and she returned the greeting. I told her I’d seen her around and asked her name. She told me it was India.

Then she told me she was running from her abusive husband, and that when he found her at her mother’s place, he broke in and ransacked the place.

A split second later we were talking inside our house. This made me a little uncomfortable. I felt bad for the woman, but I didn’t want her stalker to be watching her and then to become a target myself because I let her inside. She was giving me the impression that he would go after anybody who paid any attention to her.

Sure enough, I heard these strange sounds a short while later. The woman disappeared into thin air as I ran to the front door and noticed that the knob and lock were both gone. There weren’t even any holes where they had been. The door was now just one solid panel of wood with no way to open it.

I ran to the back door and found the same thing and wondered how the hell the guy managed to pull all that off without me hearing it.

Next, I ran in search of my phone but couldn’t find it. In reality, our house has a front and back door, but in the dream, there was a third door that was standing partially open. It was dark now and I was surprised to find an inch of snow on the ground. Too pissed to stay scared or try to figure out why there was snow on the ground, I burst into the night hell-bent on finding and ripping the guy to shreds. I screamed for the guy to come face me as I ran toward next door, which my dream self still identified as being Bob and Virginia. The dream ended with me still furiously demanding that he show himself, bare feet not feeling the coldness of the snow.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2016 I have been through sheer hell. My hormones are going crazy. My body is trying to kick off another period, but can’t quite pull it off. From what I’ve read and been told I should be pretty much done with the period part of things by age 52 or sooner in my case. It’s the anxiety that’s killing me. The hot flashes suck too, but those are more annoying and uncomfortable. The anxiety can get to be both scary and depressing. Even when my heart isn’t racing I can still feel anxious. It’s horrible. I don’t understand why I did so well for so long and now it’s returned, but I am told that’s normal. I wonder if the dizziness and fatigue are going to return as well. Anything’s better than anxiety, but if I’m tired again lately it’s because I have been sleeping poorly or I sometimes have to take lorazepam.

The night before last I slept okay, but last night was horrible. I woke up on fire, heart-pounding fiercely. With the covers, I was too warm and without them, I was too cold, and back and forth and back and forth. It’s a never-ending cycle of hell all over again with no possible end in sight.

My first guess is the perimenopause, my second guess is my medication, and my last guess would be something wrong with my heart. Assuming isn’t the same as knowing, and it gets so fucking frustrating because I don’t understand why they don’t have tests that can identify this for sure is being perimenopause, as obvious as my symptoms are. I will know all I need to know about my heart on the 22nd, so that leaves the medication. The numbers say no way, but some of the symptoms are the same as when I went thyrotoxic. That’s what sucks about some things when the timing is shitty and things are occurring at the same time that can mimic similar symptoms. HR isn’t elevated enough and consistently enough for the meds to be at play, so Tom and I both suspect the peri.

I had slight heartburn and queasiness for reasons I don’t know before I fell asleep. When I woke up overheated and with a racing heart, I had the runs and felt short of breath.

Although I wasn’t panicking, I called Tom at work because I knew it would help to hear his voice. Once again I’m alone so much of the time and that doesn’t help. One can still suffer no matter who is or isn’t around, but it’s always a little more comforting to do it with your loved ones around. I’m not like I was 20 years ago. I can’t be left alone for such long periods of time anymore.

I try to focus on doing things and keeping busy to distract my mind from my worries, but that’s pretty hard to do when you feel so shitty that that in itself is distracting you from concentrating on anything. Sometimes all I want to do is lie in bed; another thing I read is common and that can sometimes be mistaken for depression. I’m in a depressing situation, all right, but I’m not “depressed.” Just going through the worst perimenopause ever and hoping my meds and heart aren’t also a factor.

I want to sleep until it’s over but there’s no escape in sleep when all I do is keep waking up feeling like I’m on fire and my heart’s about to jump out of my chest.

When I got up at one point to use the bathroom, I was surprised that there was no callback from Stacey… and then I remembered… duh! She’s at her private practice on Fridays, so she won’t pick up my message until Monday morning.

Sometimes I miss some aspects of my old life, but not the old life itself. When I was younger I tended to live more in the moment, and when I did worry about the future it was more about what I would do while I still had plenty of time left to live. Not that I don’t still have plenty of time left to live (unless this shit finally kills me), but I worry more about the end… growing old, suffering, death and dying, etc.

I would like to publish this now along with finishing the laundry, and doing the things I usually do during my day that I’ve either neglected or not done enough of but because the lorazepam has left me drowsy I’ll publish it later.

I told Tom about Stacey and he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t seem worried or surprised. Stacey’s harmless, so I suppose that telling him that she’s attracted to me isn’t much different than telling him I’d like a drink of orange juice. He trusts me and he knows that he’s my number one no matter what. Not that I expect to do so, but I could hug her, I could hold her hand, I could kiss her, I could snuggle up with her and chat… but nothing she could ever say or do would get me to leave Tom, not that I could imagine her ever trying to.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2016 So where two days ago was bad, I would describe yesterday as semi-bad, and today much better. I even slept better and didn’t wake up with a racing heart. Between the end of my day yesterday and now I have felt okay, though I’m starting to feel a little off.

My boobs are also a little sore and I have slight cramps.

Christine confirmed that the perimenopause symptoms aren’t consistent, which is what I’m now guessing this is since the symptoms aren’t as extreme as when I had high thyroid, and I’m not experiencing a couple of the symptoms I had then. Plus, there are my numbers to consider, and I really shouldn’t have any problems on this dose at this point. Hot flashes, racing heart, butterflies in the stomach… that’s what I’m experiencing for the most part.

Things really have shitty timing in life. Because I saw that my TSH was lower right after my stomach went on the fritz and my heart started racing a bit, I thought it was the meds. It still could be, but it seems unlikely at this point. Especially since you really don’t get any days off when you go thyrotoxic. The symptoms are much more extreme, relentless, plentiful and downright severe. Being high on thyroid will “mindfuck” you as well as affect you physically. Where you can get grumpy and maybe a bit depressed going through perimenopause, having too much thyroid makes you feel fearful. Because I’m not having that or any lung tightness, I gotta go with perimenopause. I’m just tired of never having any sure, concrete answers! To assume isn’t the same as knowing, and this is just fucking ridiculous. I don’t know if I’m going to be tortured at random on and off all my life or not. If it’s perimenopause, then I could have another 7.5 years of intermittent torture. Do you know how bad that makes me want to scream?

It’s such a huge disappointment after doing so well for so long. No wonder I was feeling like things were too good to be true.

My doctor is on vacation until after the New Year and her nurse, Zaradhe, is answering her messages. Zaradhe told me that after my stress test, they might consider ordering me a heart rhythm monitor that you wear and press every time you have symptoms. My guess is that I’m still heart-healthy, but this might be a good thing to look into.

Every time I get excited about not having to have any appointments for a few months, things come up and more are added. Like something up there wants to keep the appointments going. I now need to follow up two weeks after the echocardiogram with Dr. A to discuss the results and the heart monitor, plus I might be seeing Stacey, something I have mixed emotions about for reasons I’ve already mentioned.

I left Stacey a message at 4:15, but I never heard back from her, even though she didn’t mention being out of the office in her outgoing message. It was definitely her low-pitched, soothing, sexy, almost husky voice I heard, and that voice definitely didn’t say her hours had changed.

So yeah, mixed emotions. So much for my Valentine’s call, though life is never what we plan it to be. I would rather see her under happier circumstances, but it’s nice to know she’s there for me when I need her.

I’m still not sure whether I would prefer to see her just at her office or anywhere else. I’d love to be her friend and for her to be mine, but I have my hesitations about that. I just wish I knew what she was open to. I think that would help influence my decision, though to be honest, I’m open to pretty much anything. Even though I would miss her, I would be okay with it if I knew I would never see her again. At the same time, I like the idea of seeing her (wherever) every few months or so because she seems to really help keep me going. Not that Tom doesn’t do a fine job on his own of that, but she lends an extra hand that really enhances that, if that makes any sense.

Although this may be a silly thing to think and I know she wouldn’t judge me for it, just like Tom said she wouldn’t, I worry about her being disappointed in me for having this setback. I think psychologically if I knew I had an appointment with her to look forward to every few months or so, it might help even more. I really do enjoy our chats, attracted to her or not.

They had a Christmas party at work. They actually rented time at a place called Dave and Buster’s where they have a lot of cool games. They gave him a gift card we can both use some time, plus a restaurant gift card and a movie theater gift card. We haven’t gone to the movies in years and I can’t believe anyone still does.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2016 Sadly, after doing so well for so long, the anxiety returned last night with a vengeance right after I made my last entry. Every time I think the nightmare is over, it eventually returns. I never would have expected this at this point on this dose.

Throughout most of the evening, my anxiety was borderline where the “butterflies” threatened to let loose in my chest. Just minutes after midnight I got really warm, my mouth went dry, I felt faint feelings of suffocation, I felt the urge to take a dump even though I didn’t just yet, my face felt flushed and tingly, my heart started racing into the triple digits, and then I started shaking like an epileptic. I went from hot to cold and back-and-forth. It took me about 20 minutes to get my heart down into the double digits, and about 40 minutes just to feel some semblance of calm.

Then I got hit with another attack and woke Tom up an hour early. So much for Stacey’s EMDR therapy, though it could’ve been a lot scarier than it was.

Yes, I did take a lorazepam.

All I could think was that my TSH got too low, and I didn’t understand how the doctor could say my thyroid was “better” if my T4 was down. Tom had to remind me that the TSH only measures how loud the pituitary gland is ordering it to do its job. It’s better in that the pit gland is now saying, “Okay, she’s still a little low on thyroid, but I accept that and I’m getting used to it.”

So both glands are making peace with each other. The T4 being down could explain the hair loss and dry skin, though that’s the least of my worries. Untreated my T4 was 0.9 and my TSH was 34. My anxiety was at its absolute worst when my T4 was around 1.4. Lately, it’s down to 1.1 from 1.2, but my TSH is also down. Tom insists that the T4 is the REAL thyroid number that matters and that he’s always heard that you can have anxiety even when your life is fine and even when you least expect it. Well, there’s definitely nothing wrong in my life right now, but this actually started slowly coming on about 5 days ago. It just didn’t come to a head until last night.

Either way, this ONLY happens on the drug. It was only AFTER I started levothyroxine that I began to have these attacks. Could perimenopause be more at play than I realize? Also, could perimenopause symptoms come and go like that? I asked Christine, who had bad anxiety before she was confirmed to be menopausal, if it was consistent or if it took breaks here and there. She’s probably in bed now, though.

I haven’t been lightheaded but everything has been worse this last week. I can’t say it was just stress over the appointment since the appointment’s over. I’m waking up more often and sometimes it’s with a racy heart. I’m just not as tired right now because I slept forever. I may have woken up a million times along the way, but I slept a whopping 10 hours or so.

Dr. A told me it’s a medical disorder causing this, but why would I develop this so late in life? I never had anxiety to this degree until two years ago, so why now, and is it going to torture me on and off at random for the rest of my life?

Although I’m sure she won’t agree with it, I not only let the doctor know what’s going on, but I also told her I skipped today’s dose just like I did a couple of days ago. I seem to feel best when my TSH is at 10, meaningless number or not.

Tom says there’s a guy in his 20s at work who had a bad flu or something like that and he went to the emergency room where he was given an inhaler. Ever since then he’s been having panic attacks for the first time in his life and has been missing a lot of work. Well, those inhalers are stimulants as is levothyroxine. Also, you can bet your ass it’s times like this that I’m glad as hell I work at home. I feel like my anxiety reflects in things around here, though. It’s not like I haven’t been able to keep up on things or function, but I’m not doing as much as I’d like to do. It’s been days since I worked on my By the Month bio or edited my story.

I still wonder if the weight loss and stomach issues were more due to anxiety building up and returning than a change of diet, though Tom’s pretty sure it’s the diet. Sure is weird if that’s the case because my body hasn’t responded to traditional dieting in years, and I really feel like I was having more calories than I should in order to be able to lose weight. Even when I was young I had to go down to around 1000 calories to lose. Either way, it was in my nature to be thin until my thyroid crapped out, but not afterward. It just seems like vegan or not, I shouldn’t have lost the 8 pounds, even if I can certainly afford to do so.

The only symptoms I’m not having this time around are the funky emotions where I get flashes of dread or suddenly want to scream, and I don’t feel like a semi is parked on my chest. I’m not always jittery either. I only get jittery when my heart races. Right now I feel perfectly calm, but I’m fair game any second to an attack, and things are always subject to change. Anxiety is very unpredictable. So long gone are the days when I believed something bad had to be going on in order for it to happen, and that you could control it.

I am still going to try my damnedest to control it as best I can by taking measures to do things that have a calming effect on me when it gets bad. Like maybe see Stacey, An idea I have mixed emotions about as I think she would as well. I have no doubt that she would be delighted to see me, but as I’m sure we both agree, it wouldn’t be under the greatest of circumstances. I really wanted to wait and call her in a couple of months just to say hi and let her know I’m doing well for the most part. Not, “I need to see you because I’m anxious again.”

She’s the Rolls-Royce of counselors, good-looking or not, and she’s a great lady who has a very calming effect on me and I love to chat with her. I just don’t want to be anxious again! I’m going to give it another day or two and see how I do, and then I’ll make a decision by the end of the week. I’m just tired of things getting in the way of my plans, even if life is rarely what we plan it to be. As fantastic as she is I’d rather never see her again (unless we became friends in the future) than to have to run to her because I’m anxious again. She is the anxiety expert, though.

I looked up what foods are rich in tryptophan other than meat, and found that beans and lentils are good sources of tryptophan as well.

My first thought was oh no, I’m going to suffer for three months just like the last time until I lower my dose, but I’m trying not to think that way. For now, I’m just going to enjoy the calm while it lasts. I just wish it wasn’t so scary when attacks happen even though I know damn well they can’t hurt me. The butterflies in the stomach are annoying and frustrating, but the racing heart gets scary. In a sense, it’s artificial fear.

So… Setting my fake fear aside for now, I have a new mattress on the way. It too, is a 13” mattress, only this one’s memory foam topper is infused with a cooling gel, it’s firmer, and it has a 10-year warranty. The mattress I have now came with no promises or guarantees of any kind. I got it almost 5 years ago and it’s sagging to the point where I’m starting to wake up with lower backaches.

Yesterday evening we went on a 15-minute walk down to the lake and back. It was cold and misty out, but nice.

Last night’s lavender sage bath bomb smelled surprisingly good. There’s one called Sinus Relief but I think I’ll save that for if I ever have a cold or flu again, which may be years from now. I rarely get sick in that way. While I’m not sick, though, I don’t want to come out of the tub smelling like Vicks.

I update Blogger every few days or so. Maybe because this entry is so long, I’ll update it tonight.

I dreamed I was riding my bike down a street that my dream self seemed to think was in Florida. I was stark naked as I pedaled down a narrow street with lots of dense palm trees to shade it. I came to a causeway and rolled over a narrow strip that was just wide enough for the tires and perhaps 6” long and onto the bridge. The bridge extended over the ocean and it rose upward to allow a boat to pass. Then it started to lower itself and I had to quickly stop the bike to keep from slipping into the water. There were other people around but they didn’t seem to notice my nudity.

I suddenly realized I didn’t have my phone with me and I wanted to go home before it got too late. So I started riding back and ended up inside someone’s house. There were three people sitting in the living room watching TV. I assumed them to be a couple and their teenage daughter.

“Oh, this is a private residence,” I said.

They noticed I was naked and had some questions for me. Unsure of how to explain it, I simply said that I was being paid a lot of money to do some dare, then I asked if I could leave now. LOL

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2016 I’m going to make this as quick as I can because I’m exhausted. I usually sleep better after an appointment because I’m relieved to have it done and over with, but I woke up a few times after sleeping less than six hours. The last time I woke up was due to a lower backache because my mattress is beginning to sag. I have a strong core since I work out regularly, so when my mattress gets my back aching, I know it’s time for an upgrade. I will describe the new mattress I’m getting another time.

While my cholesterol is still bad, I saw Doc A yesterday and she’s thrilled that my thyroid is better. So am I, but I’m also worried despite her assurances. I’m pleased with the weight loss just as much as she is, since losing weight helps with everything overall, as she said. Yet while this should be exciting, I still worry that my numbers are going to end up in a place that could leave me horribly anxious. It really, REALLY sucks to have to spend the rest of my life on a drug that has the potential to make me feel worse than I could ever imagine possible. But that’s just the way it is. After what happened I’m going to have this hanging over my head for as long as I live.

While I have been calmer overall this year, my anxiety is borderline right now, and of course I’m asking myself… is it just because I’m worried? Or are the meds affecting me even though my numbers don’t currently say they should be?

I think I’m just worried about those “what ifs.” I’m not always very good at telling myself not to worry unless something goes wrong. For now, I’m just trying to take it one step at a time and am applying Stacey’s emotional tapping regimen when I feel like I might be getting anxious. My HR is in the 90s and while that’s better than the triple digits, I like it best when it’s a comfortable 80-something. The 90s are more normal for me, though, like it or not. I just worry about my numbers getting too low, or any additional weight loss affecting that and how I feel.

My body is definitely acting like it once again has a metabolism. I don’t gain as much after eating, and the weight doesn’t hang on hour after hour afterward. Like I said, where this should be thrilling, it’s a little scary. Maybe a part of me also got used to being fat for so long. Despite the fact that obesity does run in my family, I never would have gotten fat had it not been for my thyroid. I’m simply not naturally heavy, though I have been heavy for years now. Before this, I spent most of my life average or underweight, though I did have a fat spell in my late teens due to a medication I was on.

The question is whether or not Stacey’s tricks would be as magical if I ever got as bad as I was when my endo tried me on 88’s. When something is medically induced it’s a lot harder to fight. Internal sources, as opposed to external sources, are always tougher. I would take the stress of worrying about money any day over health issues. Right now I’m just very thankful to be doing better and that my husband is, as he himself put it, “remarkably healthy.” He is obese and he does have high blood pressure, but he is otherwise healthy and determined to lose weight along with me. Fortunately for me, I don’t even have 30 pounds to go.

I’m glad I stuck with Doc A. The more I see her, the more I like her and feel comfortable with her as I get to know her and she gets to know and understand me. She’s a very sweet person.

She listened to my heart, lungs, and checked to make sure my ankles weren’t swollen. She didn’t pressure me at all about statins. I guess she wants to see the results of the stress test first. This is the only test I feel confident about, too.

For now, she’s going to test my thyroid again in March, but I won’t see her again until June, at which time I’ll have a full panel of blood work done as they do every year.

She refilled my inhaler even though I only had to use it once. Just because I don’t smoke doesn’t mean I can’t have an attack, and I feel comfortable having an inhaler available. I have had a few attacks since quitting smoking in 1997.

She also refilled that cream that my first doctor gave me for feminine itching.

I definitely feel more comfortable with her checking my thyroid regularly because the numbers simply aren’t etched in stone. They really can and do change. I just never thought my TSH would get this low on this dose.

For now, I guess I just keep eating healthy, keep active, continue losing weight, and hope for the best.

It’s kind of funny how it’s a known fact that obesity poses health risks, yet all four of the nurses and office workers I saw were obese. Not just a little overweight like me, but seriously obese. Guess that’s just the US for you.

The thing I look forward to most about losing weight isn’t appearance or health benefits, but mobility. Everything’s harder when you’re heavy, and I miss having a broader range of motion. I’m still fairly flexible, but not like I used to be and not like I could be if I dropped some weight.

Despite the fact that I will always have an underlying fear of medication in general, I was brave enough to let them give me a flu shot. Unfortunately, it’s only good for three months, yet flu season goes till June. I rarely get colds and flu, though, so I’m not worried.

So much for this being a quick entry, but I’m going to sign off for now.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2016 Had stomach issues again throughout the night, but not nearly as bad as last night.

I guess I’m ready now to write about the dreams I had. The strangest one involved living in the woods somewhere and having to share condiments with Aly that were left in a pile on some old tree stumps. She also lived in the woods somewhere. I don’t know what state we were in or how I knew she lived there as I didn’t actually seem to see her in the dream other than on the cover of a magazine.

The magazine was called One Person and it was about people who considered themselves independent in a way that they didn’t need friends, and they considered people to be disposable whenever and wherever. Aly’s picture was on the front of the magazine. She stood in a confident and determined pose, which was visible down to her mid-thigh or so. She was thin and her hair was very short and very straight.

Out of the condiments, I noticed that she seemed to hog up this particular salad dressing, but was kind enough to leave me another bottle of similar dressing.

Then Tom told me that a house was soon to be built nearby.

“Where?” I asked him.

“Over there,” he said pointing through the trees.

I was immediately disappointed because I knew that this meant having to deal with barking dogs that would always be outdoors.

Then I was lying in a hospital bed somewhere, though I wasn’t asleep. I was lying on my side when two girls who thought I was asleep snuck up on me as if they were about to pull some prank on me. I yelled something at them and they ran off.

Then I remembered I was supposed to meet Stacey somewhere at 7 o’clock, though I don’t know where since she doesn’t see patients that late. I wasn’t at home but was able to glance at a nearby clock, wherever I was, and see that it was already 7 o’clock. I hoped that Tom had contacted her to tell her I wouldn’t make it.

Lastly, I had some dream about a missing child. A bunch of elementary school kids was in the movie theater and I was watching as the police hauled them out in a hurry and sent them over to their waiting parents. I guess they wanted to get all the kids they could home safe until they located the one that was missing.

Later…

I’ve now lost a surprising 8 pounds! The results of my TSH test were just as surprising.

I checked the health site early in the morning and found that my lipid panel had come in the previous evening. They were just then posting the metabolic panel.

Not much change with my cholesterol, which is still bad. When I read my TSH score of 7.75, however, I started off in shock, then I was pleased, and then I started getting a little nervous.

My last TSH reading in August was 10.14, and my T4 was 1.2.

My recent results are 7.75 and 1.1. I really thought my TSH might have floated to 11 or 12 because my skin and hair are dry.

My stomach is now stable, and as some of you also know, I had horrible stomach cramps, nausea and the runs yesterday and the day before. Initially, I believed it was the sudden change of diet.

So anyway, I’m sitting there looking at the numbers and then I thought about it… the rapid weight loss, the stomach issues… could I be going hyper again? I still do overheat in my sleep at times and my heart races me awake. I just don’t freak out about it because I know what it is.

So I Skyped Tom the info at work and he assured me I’m not even close to hyper and reminded me that they could’ve tested me the day before and gotten a TSH of 13 and then 10 the day before, since that one fluctuates. The real thyroid numbers that matter is the T4 and it’s down, not up. He assured me I was just nervous because I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow with Dr. A, and I later realized he was right.

He assures me the weight loss is because I went vegan, it won’t always drop that fast, and my stomach issues were the results of the treats I had after the lab. Not food poisoning, a stomach bug or me going hyper.

Fortunately, I feel a lot better now otherwise I might have trouble believing him. One of the biggest symptoms of being hyper besides the anxiety and booming heart is that you have a lack of appetite, you have the runs, and you lose weight quickly.

But then I thought about it more and realized that when I was actually hyper I didn’t have intense stomach cramps or nausea; I simply had the runs. Also, I haven’t been having any funky emotions, lung tightness or jitteriness. Yes, my heart can still race or beat a little hard at times, but nothing like when I was hyper. Your HR can soar into the 140s just sitting on your ass when you’re hyper. Trust me, it’s utterly batshit terrifying, especially if you don’t know what’s going on.

My only concern right now is how much accumulation I might be in for in the future. As I learned from Doc O, this drug can accumulate in the system, so I’ll soon ask Doc A. The last thing I want is for the levothyroxine to keep accumulating and dropping me under a 5. Around 7 to 10 are my personal ideal numbers.

My rainbow sweatshirt finally arrived from overseas and it fits great. It’s a medium and is slightly loose on me.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2016 Oh, what a night I had last night! I ended up sick for the last eight hours of my day. Anything is better than anxiety, but it was one rough ride. It started with sharp cramps in my upper abs and moved downward. I had gas, cramps and nausea all night long. It’s a true miracle I never puked or had the runs. I felt so bad at times I actually wished I would puke.

I totally regret getting that burger and fries. I agree with Tom who says that it’s not so much because I had meat for the first time in so long, but more because I radically changed my diet that day and took in so much grease. From what he looked up, our food stays with us 24 to 72 hours. The junk food likely got stuck in my intestines and then yesterday’s food was probably forced to stay in my stomach longer than normal, thus causing the whole reaction. Another thing I had that my body isn’t used to was a big bag of popcorn. This wasn’t the diet kind either, but a full-size bag of buttery popcorn.

Ironically enough, though, getting sick has caused me to hit my goal weight for this week, which I didn’t expect to reach. So now I’m down a total of 6 pounds.

I slept horribly. I was too hot. I was too cold. Traffic was too loud. My belly continued to cramp. After about five hours of sleep, I got up to relieve my stomach again and took a lorazepam to help me fall back asleep. I slept longer but I woke up groggy because of the disturbed sleep and because the lorazepam was still in my system. These days I don’t take the lorazepam for anxiety since the anxiety has backed off, but every now and then I use it for sleep. Why not finish what I have left if I could use it at times?

I was almost afraid to eat today, but I can’t avoid it forever. Tom got me some ginger ale, so hopefully that will help. Better yet, I need to just stay vegan. It isn’t just meat that’s bad for me, but anything fried or battered. I just can’t eat like I used to and that shit wasn’t healthy anyway.

I have more to write about, but I’m still pretty out of it so I’ll do it later. Right now I just want to climb into my warm, soft comfy bed.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2016 Our senior rat Cappy has died, but to be honest, I haven’t exactly shed any tears over him. He was a very antisocial rat. Never before did we have a rat that couldn’t live with other rats and needed to be separated from the others. But he did.

Despite being old at two years old, which is when they usually die, his death was kind of a surprise because he died so suddenly. You usually know a few days in advance when they’re going to die.

Now the other three which are now six months old can have both the upper and lower levels of the cage.

Tonight’s bath bomb was pumpkin spice and it was definitely the strongest-smelling one so far. This one turned the water a neon piss, almost mustard color.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2016 I’m hungry as hell right now because I’ve got an appointment at the lab at 3:45 and it’s a fasting blood test. I wouldn’t have to fast if they were testing just my thyroid, but there’s a lipid panel as well. I didn’t get up until 11 AM, but 5 hours without eating is still a long haul. You can bet your ass I’m going to be loading up on cholesterol afterward!

This is such a pointless, stupid waste of time. I already made it clear to them that I’m not taking any more thyroid medication, and the more I thought about it, the more I’m sure I’m going to refuse statins as well. Forever I mean. Statins just don’t always prevent strokes and heart attacks. Tammy would know this firsthand. She’s been on statins for years yet that didn’t stop her from having a heart attack. So why take something and always stress about the side effects if I’m just going to eventually have one anyway? If I do, I still think it would be many years from now. My carotid ultrasound didn’t show any plaque, so I’d say I’m good until my 70s or 80s.

I spent quite a while yesterday sweeping the rest of these popcorn ceilings of their beloved dust and webs.

Exchanged hellos with Jon earlier who asked how our tech stuff was going. He said he didn’t want to say “nerdy” stuff and offend me, but I wouldn’t be offended at all and neither would Tom. We’re definite nerds/tech junkies, or whatever you want to call us. Jon said that’s something he admires because it’s a talent he doesn’t have. Tom is still much more knowledgeable than I am. My specialty is with words, foreign and not.

Today was bulk trash pickup. We tossed one of the old rat cages, a couple of old vacuums, and a couple of old portable heaters.

Later…

They were only a few minutes late for my appointment at the lab, but OMG! I guess even Russian parents don’t believe in teaching their kids any manners. I didn’t know they were Russian at first. I only knew it was both rude and ridiculous the way they let one of their brats scream so loud that I could barely hear the woman at the desk speaking to me.

It was afterward that Tom said I should’ve kept up on my Russian studies. I guess the lady at the desk was having a hard time communicating with the woman. I would have kept up on it if it weren’t such a pain in the ass not having a Russian keyboard. The language didn’t seem that difficult to learn.

This other guy could have used my sign language, which is almost as good as my English. He was deaf, and the woman had Tom get his attention while I was checking in.

Anyway, the guy who drew my blood was nice enough to use a butterfly needle at my request. I just find it easier to save them time than have them discover the hard way how tiny my veins are. I finally learned why, too. It’s bad genetics. One of my parents or grandparents had small veins. I guess you could really say I’m genetically screwed. Makes me wonder why my parents had kids, knowing how many problems the family had. On top of wondering why they had kids they never truly wanted in the first place and that they would ultimately abuse, of course.

He took four vials, two for my thyroid, two for cholesterol. Trying not to think of how shitty the results may be. I know the cholesterol is going to be bad; it’s the thyroid I’m worried about. Especially when its medication can cause some of us the kind of terror-filled anxiety you probably wouldn’t even feel if some psycho held you at gunpoint, as I was telling Norma when she recommended I get my heart checked every 6 months if I don’t take statins, due to the family history. I told her I was getting stress-tested soon.

The traffic was a nightmare, and there sure are some angry people in Cali. We pulled into the parking lot of Jack-in-the-Box when this vehicle suddenly stops right in front of us. I was in the midst of asking Tom why they stopped when this youngish plump blonde storms out of the passenger side and runs around to the driver (who I never did see) and starts screaming at them. Even though people don’t scare me easily, I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to be the one she was screaming at. This bitch was livid as hell.

So I got the burger and fries I promised myself I would get after the lab and felt just awful afterward. Not much heartburn but I felt so sluggish and just yucky overall. The experience reminded me of part of why I went vegan. Initially, I did it to lower my cholesterol never knowing just how much better I would feel not to mention wonderfully regular. Never thought I would say this, but veganism is definitely the way to go. Makes me kind of pissed to know I loaded up on practically a year’s worth of meaty TV dinners. It was a stupid thing to do that I’m sure to regret, especially since I didn’t crave or miss meat nearly as much as I thought I would. Once it’s gone I’m only going to have meat at fast food joints, which I only visit once or twice a month if even that. Fruits, veggies, beans, rice, yogurt… that’s the way to go. Not meat, cheese, sugar, pasta, or bread. No salty snacks either, although sometimes I do give in to popcorn.

The vampire said red meats and citrus were good after having blood drawn. I was so hungry that I felt a little dizzy after the blood was drawn being on an empty stomach and all that. And oh, how grumpy I felt! Hunger makes me grumpier than PMS at its worst. He said the body produces something like 2 million red blood cells an hour, so I guess my body’s long since replaced the lost blood.

The Caddy has a fake convertible roof, which started to tear off and look really ugly, so he glued it back down with gorilla glue.

He has to work tomorrow, which both sucks and doesn’t suck. He doesn’t have as much free time as he’d like, but it’s more money.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2016 I’m having a love-hate relationship with this weather. It’s rainy, cold, yucky and dismal. But it sure is keeping the peace around here.

I’m a little worried for the women of Ohio should the ridiculous “heartbeat” bill become law. It’s not just infuriating but it’s downright insane. Not only do most women not even know they’re pregnant at just six weeks when a heartbeat can be detected, but that doesn’t mean it’s a “life” with any form of awareness that could possibly be “murdered.” We have little to no sense of awareness until after were born, so if abortion is murder then so is pulling a weed.

I don’t get people. Most men are anti-children claiming that children are for the women, and many women these days are choosing careers over children. Yet we’re trying to strip women of their rights and make abortion illegal in every way we can? How fucked up is that? I don’t doubt, however, that abortion will one day be illegal nationwide. People are just that crazy.

I’ve been asked what I find attractive in a woman, and how feminine and I am as opposed to masculine, so I thought I would elaborate a bit on that if people must know. :-) Well, I’m pretty damn feminine… high heels, skirts, dresses, glitter, pink things, makeup, long hair (or at least nothing above the shoulders). Most days, however, I’m dressed both casually and comfortably. I’m all-woman either way.

However, I do tend to lean towards being naturally muscular, and I won’t hesitate, win or lose, to stand up to a man trying to harm me (or anyone I love) just as I would with another woman.

Since returning from vacation early in the year I have worked out consistently, not just with walking and running, but also on the Bowflex gym we’d recently gotten. I’m slowly but noticeably peeling inches, and one can definitely look at me and tell I work out. The muscle is most visible in my shoulders, biceps, abs and calves, though you can see some muscle in my outer thighs as well.

As for what I find attractive, I think I’ve always had a rather unique opinion of that and what I consider “attractive.” Those supermodels that most people find the most gorgeous… well, to me they’re attractive in the way a beautiful flower or a butterfly is attractive. They’re lovely to look at, but not something I consider a “turn-on.” My main type is typically older women who are tall and dark, and as long as the hair isn’t short in a manly kind of way and they’re not immensely obese, then hair length and body weight don’t matter much.

There have been some exceptions, though. I have found some blonds and redheads attractive, and then there’s Stacey. She’s got dark hair and eyes and she’s the type that could probably tan easily enough, but she’s anything but tall. Those warm brown eyes and sexy smile combined with her calm and intelligent personality are a definite winner in my eyes. Some might consider her plain and frail, but I think we all have our own definition of what’s “beautiful.”

Alison may not have tweeted for a couple of days, but she’s still using the account. She’s following more people and “liking” things. Then she did tweet something about having an allergic reaction on account of coconut being an ingredient in something she ate, and so the drama queen needed a Benadryl.

I was remembering back to the time I was oh so worried and depressed at the thought of her possibly dying of cancer, which she may or may not really have, and it was all for someone who didn’t give a shit about me in return. So basically it was all for nothing, and now a part of me wishes she would drop dead. Like I said, Molly may have been a crazy, stalking piece of shit, but I get how she turned on Aly and some of the things she would say to her.

Today’s bath bomb was blueberry. It turned the water a very vivid and pretty shade of Robin's egg blue. This one smelled the best, but the smell quickly faded.

Last night I dreamed I was staying in a huge hotel. I wandered out of my room without my glasses and was so blind that I couldn’t find my way back to my room. I would get in the elevator and keep getting off on the wrong floor.

Then in another dream, a girl in her 20s was talking on her phone and appeared to be worried about something. When she hung up I told her, “Look, the cops are never your friend. No matter how much we may mistakenly think so and wish they were, they’re usually not. So never tell them anything they don’t absolutely need to know.”

I stopped spotting, lost the extra water, and now I’m once again wondering if I’ve hit menopause. It’s definitely looking promising!

Later…

The panty pack arrived and they’re pretty impressive considering that every pair fits and each of the 30 pairs cost less than a buck. Some are loose and some are a bit snug, but their quality is great. They come in a variety of fabrics, styles and colors, but none are crotchless. There was one small and a few mediums, but most are large. There are a couple of extra larges as well. Still don’t care for some of the low riders, fat or not, because they give you the feeling that your underwear is slipping down.

There were a few bikinis and a few T-backs, but most are typical G-strings. Some are silky, but most are cotton. Some are solid colors while others have prints.

I hate panty lines and now that I’m not getting periods (I hope) I’ll probably switch from boy shorts to G-strings.

I Skyped Tom a picture of them, and I Facebooked Tammy and Marie pictures as well. I knew Marie would get a kick out of it. Prior to sending them to her, she sent me a picture of herself. While she looks like a lesbian, she looks great. Not an ounce of fat on her.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2016 Last night I dreamed that Stacey was at what might’ve been a psychic fair. The dream took place in the past, which I saw from her POV. The psychic was telling her she would meet someone (I assume that someone was me).

“She’s in 2015,” I’m pretty sure the psychic said.

Then I dreamed that I was either just leaving or quickly stopping by what might have been a couple’s place. It was early evening and the sun had just set.

“Okay, have a good night, Jodi,” a dark-haired woman said to me in a serious, almost impatient tone as she saw me out.

I left on heels, carrying a colorful dress as well as a rainbow candy cane of sorts. I realized that I had a long walk home and that I better hurry up or else my feet would be killing me. I felt a bit overwhelmed at the idea of having to walk so far in heels.

Then I spotted a young couple I knew heading to their car and was thinking of asking for a ride when I realized I had my own car there. I seem to drive a lot in dreams.

Aly hasn’t tweeted in two days yet her Fitbit stats clock her at taking nearly 30K steps a day. Yeah, some cancer victim. Let me guess, though…she’s abandoned this account for another one? I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t have a way of knowing I was following her.

Speaking of accounts… I had no idea one of my old Twitter accounts was still activated until I spotted it following Prosebox’s Twitter account. Oh great. So Aly and Kim have had the luxury of playing victim all this time without me knowing it. That’s something God would allow for. I put it to sleep for good, so all their future accounts won’t be able to block it. I’m only using one account now which they’re unaware of.

I got my K-cup holder yesterday and I like it a lot. Today I’m getting the 40-pack variety of K-cups.

As for my tennis ball bath bombs… their colors and moisturizing effects are more noticeable than their smell. The grape turned the bathwater dark purple, the sandalwood turned it a cloudy piss color, and the snickerdoodle, which was infused with glitter, turned it a surprisingly vivid magenta. Tomorrow I will use the blueberry bath bomb, as I don’t take baths every day. I still prefer showers.

I watched the first six seasons of Pretty Little Liars, and now I’m watching season 17 of Law & Order SVU. Mariska Hargitay has always been my favorite, but I’ve recently noticed just how handsome Raul Esparza is.

I’m still spotting on and off as I have been since November 30, but I haven’t had an actual period since September 2.

A freeze warning was in effect until 9am. Some people covered their plants with blankets. Where are the hot flashes when I need them?!

Really hope it’s quieter today than yesterday. Yesterday I heard landscaping on and off for 6 hours and it was so annoying. I could also hear hammering, but only outside. Still… enough is enough!

Same goes for this mutt I hear every single fucking day. It may only be for a few seconds, but I just want to kick it! Unlike Geri’s dog, this dog yips ferociously. If this were left outside next to us in the mainstream I’d be killing it in no time.

Said hello to Carolyn yesterday, who accidentally left her key in the mailbox overnight.

Pinterest has undergone yet another makeover. Kind of getting sick of all the change there. I liked it the way it was. That’s why I joined in the first place. The thing is that the changes are pointless. Why don’t they make some changes people could actually use, like a better way to weed out duplicates, download pins, etc?

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2016 Today’s the first day in a while where I’m running low on energy. I feel okay otherwise. I just wish I would either get my period or that my PMS symptoms would back off. I’ve been spotting on and off for a week now. When I see Dr. A in a week I’ll let her know, but I think she’ll just want to do a Pap.

I gained half my lost weight back and once again I realize that if I stand a chance of losing more than just a few pounds it’s going to have to wait until I hit full-fledged menopause. With cycles comes both water and hunger, and I know not all of the weight gain is water. If it was it would come right back off after periods, but since I have to slowly work it off, that tells me it’s weight gain from the extra eating done when my hunger levels are up.

It’s cold and foggy here now but that didn’t stop Bob from blowing leaves for over a half-hour. It’s definitely going to stop me from working out outdoors, though. Since I exercise most days, I might take today off given my lack of energy. Forcing myself to do the cleaning I want to do today will be enough, although I suppose I could put it off until tomorrow.

Two out of the three times we’ve ordered groceries online they made Tom wait 10 minutes before giving him the groceries. The whole point in ordering online was to save time and this doesn’t exactly save much of that, so if he’s made to wait again today when he stops after work, we’ll just go back to getting our own groceries. He books a specific time for a reason. If they can’t keep that time, then what’s the point?

Really wish I could come up with more story ideas now that I have such great tools to help me write them faster. Too bad there isn’t anything to help make editing go faster. Editing is still 80% of the work, and I don’t find that part much fun at all.

Last night I dreamed we were back in the Phoenix house. I don’t know if we moved back there or were just staying there temporarily. We hated it there, so we would never do either one. Nonetheless, the house had major electrical problems, and Tom would have to reset breakers regularly.

I woke up one morning to find the house very warm, tried to kick on the AC, but found it dead. I found Tom in the kitchen who said, “I’m right on it,” before I could say anything.

As he was stepping into his shoes, however, I said, “I hate this fucking house.”

I did hate that old dark house with its shitty layout and single bathroom that was just a few feet away from a pack of race-carding freeloaders, though I did like the pool/spa, private backyard, and being on a solid concrete foundation. The neighborhood was going downhill when we left in 1999. It started off fairly average when I moved in with him in 1993, but more and more lazy scum was moving into the area.

70 more days until I call Stacey!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2016 “I’m well aware of the importance of this day but I just don’t have it in me to be so kind anymore,” tweeted the Midwestern liar before she deleted it.

Was she referring to my birthday? I was surprised she remembered (in her last message to me) that I was about to turn 51, but why would she care enough to call it “important” and say she doesn’t have it in her to be so kind anymore when she made up her mind months ago never to contact me again? She must be talking about something else. Her and her riddles!

She definitely runs low on kindness, that’s for sure. I never realized just how cold and heartless she could be till she dumped me. Dishonest, yes, but downright mean? Not until she decided I didn’t have anything to “offer” her as a friend since Aly obviously expects something from her friends because just giving our friendship and ourselves to her isn’t enough.

Weight is still slowly struggling to return. I suspect I won’t get a period till it’s all back, and that may be some time next week when I catch up on the cholesterol I’ve been missing. Yeah, after labs it’s off to enjoy chicken, beef, fish, cheese and egg-based meals for a while.

I’m dreading my lab results! Really worried my TSH is going to be up because my skin’s drier, my hair is thinner in front and seems to have stopped growing again. No one can make me take any more or additional meds, though. I’d rather live a shorter, happier unhealthier life than a longer, healthier one where I have to struggle with or at least worry about side effects from drugs all the time. As I’ve always said, sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is to not deal with it at all, at least for a while.

She’s gonna hit me for female exams, too. sighs I just want the appointments to slow down! Two dental, two eye exams, and two PCP visits a year is half a dozen appointments. To add a mamo and a pap, plus any other specialists would be way too much. Even if I could keep a schedule, he doesn’t have unlimited days off, and we don’t have unlimited funds for all the copays and parking either.

Really hit the jackpot at Goodwill yesterday! Just when I thought I wouldn’t find anything of interest, I came across three 18” dolls with rather pleasant and realistic faces. They’re nicer than my American Girl-like 18” dolls only skinnier and all-vinyl. The other “fatties” have soft bodies.

When I got home I looked up the information embossed on their backs and found them to be surprisingly expensive. They’re from the Best Friends Club Ink collection, and most of the ones I found for sale on Amazon and eBay are going for over $100. Walmart has the Addison doll for $80. A few (probably used) were running between $16 - $40. We paid $12 total for this trio.

Gianna has blue eyes and auburn hair. Yuko, my favorite, is Asian. Then there’s Calista with green eyes, brown hair and darker skin. Not sure if she’s a mix of black and white or Hispanic and white.

They all came with tops and leggings with one of the leggings being footed. One of the tops fell apart after I washed it. Also, one came barefoot, one came with black shoes, and one came with a single pink shoe. I looked on Amazon for accessories and found a surprisingly limited selection. Depending on the style, they can wear a few of the fat doll outfits.

Another thing I like about these dolls is how jointed they are. They’re super jointed… elbows, wrists, ankles, knees… even the upper thighs so you can turn the leg out since they can only move front to back from the hips. They can bend a bit at the waist, too.

I now have so many damn collectibles that I pulled half of them off of shelves and dressers and boxed them up for a while. I figure that every few months I’ll switch off.

After Goodwill, we went back to Jack-in-the-Box where I got fries and raspberry ginger ale. I guess Tom must have looked younger that day because he didn’t get an automatic senior discount.

We went out walking and running when we got back, and sure enough, my hip was on fire afterward.

Did a small Amazon order because he had to get more cleaning solution for the carpet cleaner. I also grabbed some K-cups and a 3-tier storage drawer that holds 54 K-cups.

I’m also getting a surprise panty pack from China that includes 30 pairs of panties in a variety of styles and fabrics for just $28. It’s like a fun grab bag, though I don’t expect to like every pair, especially the few crotchless ones.

So it was a fun birthday and I got spoiled by Tom and lots of birthday wishes online. I was a little surprised Eileen didn’t remember my birthday and that Tammy didn’t call, but that’s ok.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2016 Going to spend my birthday today out shopping as well as at home relaxing.

We went to Jack-in-the-Box and Walgreens yesterday. At Walgreens, I got pomegranate bath bombs, a leopard print car for the rats and I to play with, a sparkly headband, snacks, and light blue press-on nails with white snowflakes.

Because I’ve been craving variety after spending a month on a diet that consists of 90% vegetables, I got a large order of fries and a delicious salty caramel milkshake that really messed up my stomach. It was worth it, though. I would’ve had a burger instead of the shake except I can’t have any cholesterol until after the labs. I’ll be going there next weekend.

Where things got funny was when Tom gave a quick chuckle and said, “I think I’m offended,” as he showed me the receipt for our order.

“Senior discount,” it said, and I burst out laughing. Poor guy doesn’t even have to tell anyone anymore that he’s getting old.

On the way home, we drove by a cemetery that excitedly exclaimed, “New spaces available!” Like gee, that’s so exciting. Such a beautiful place that we ought to hurry up and die and use them up so we can stay there forever, LOL.

Woke up from a nightmare, heart pounding furiously in my chest. I took a lorazepam for the first time in a while to help get me back to sleep. Might as well use up what I’ve got left when I could use it.

I was visiting a younger couple’s house. They were perhaps in their 30s. The woman was scared of her ex who had been harassing them. I left the living room to get a drink in the kitchen when I looked out the window and saw a giant gold pickup suddenly pull in between their house and the next house even though there was no driveway there, and I ran to tell the couple who had been blasting their TV.

The woman ran to the back door and I proceeded to shut and lock any open windows. While I was doing this I was afraid that the woman wouldn’t take the situation seriously enough to call the police. I woke up wondering where my phone was and if I’d even brought it over.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2016 Still spotting and still hungrier than usual, though yesterday wasn’t too bad with the hunger.

Got the leopard sheath dress and it fits well. It’s a little snug, especially since I’m bloated right now, but once I lose the water or a little more weight, it should be fine. It looks ok from the front, but when I turn to the side you can see that I’ve got my bloat on. My body is struggling to make up its mind whether or not to kick off one more period.

Not hunting for Aly’s Twitter account proved to be easier said than done once again, though she doesn’t know that I’m aware of it. I know it’s a bad excuse but at the end of my day, I got bored and was too tired to do anything productive.

Her only tweet since then was that she promised a Fitbit friend that she would change Twitter handles, which makes no sense, especially since Kim changed one of hers as well. Why would you promise anybody to change your handle unless you wanted to? I think she just doesn’t want to admit that I influenced the change should I find the account, and I did by Googling her bio there. Is she that stupid, or does she want me to keep finding her, even though I told her in our last exchange on NaNoWriMo that the next time she changed it I wouldn’t bother to look for it?

Another thing I don’t get is why Stacey’s son studied in Texas. He recently went to college there but is now living back in Auburn. If the family doesn’t live there anymore then why would the son study there? It hit me that she may have had Noah with another guy, but my research shows she’s married to his father.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2016 I wish I’d known about intimate sets on Amazon before I got a 6-pack of Fruit of the Loom’s boy shorts at Walmart for $10 when I could’ve gotten a 10-pack for just $6 on Amazon.

In January when we do our next fun order, I’m getting a whopping 25-pack panty variety for just $25. Based on the reviews it’s like getting a surprise gift bag, so you may not like every single one. A buck apiece is a hell of a deal, though, for the variety of G-strings, thongs, bikinis, hipsters and boy shorts that are in it.

I’m up 2/10 of a pound. This is the slowest weight reset ever, and amazingly I’m not still starving after my first eat of the day like I have been the last 3 or 4 days. Thought I’d wake up a bleeder too, since I was crampy yesterday, but I’m not even spotting yet today.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2016 Aly and Kim did exactly what I knew they would do and changed links on Twitter. I’m just surprised it took this long. Not sure why they couldn’t simply protect their tweets, but I’m not going to bother hunting the new links. I just don’t give a shit about them anymore. They’re both way in the past and that’s the way it stays.

Our laundry/bath tiles have arrived as well! The flower design in the centers is the same, just different colors. The kitchen flower is a dark pinkish-red with a green and white background. The laundry/bath tiles are mauve with the flower being a darker mauve.

It’s windy and cold tonight, so I will definitely be working out indoors.

The new heater I put by my desk is both compact and kick ass.

I also got my new 10-pack of assorted bath bombs. Love how they’re the size of tennis balls instead of golf balls. I used the grape soda first. The only ones I might not like so much are eucalyptus and whatever the sinus relief one is. There was also blueberry, sandalwood, Cinna bun-bun, cucumber melon, snickerdoodle, lavender sage, and pumpkin spice.

First I dreamed that somebody boarded up a large window in the center of a large wall because I complained that the work that had been done on the windows to the sides drove me crazy. So they were kind enough to just simply board it up rather than continue working on them, haha.

In another dream, I was on the road somewhere, maybe in the back of a van. I was on the phone talking to some young guy who said his girlfriend was everything he ever wanted and that he was set for life with her. I wondered if he was too young to be correct about that.

In the last dream, I was on probation for something when I suddenly realized I had failed to report for a while. In an attempt to cover my ass, I called and left a message with what I think was a female PO, saying that I tried to call her several times and was wondering why she hadn’t been out to see me. Then again, as I pointed out to her, it was only over something I said or wrote and not a violent crime that warranted being on probation in the first place, so I would understand if she didn’t bother with me.

Well, rest assured that I will never again allow any person, group or organization to legally screw me because of something I said or wrote that wasn’t threatening! If I’ve got something to say, I’ll say it, and no law is going to change that.

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victory-cookies · 1 year ago

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I had the worst, most murphy’s law, comedy of errors day today it was actually ridiculous. So last night I was feeling good. I was feeling motivated. I had put all of my laundry away immediately after getting it out of the dryer. Today was gonna be my day to turn my life around bc I felt motivated to clean to do homework to run my errands I was ready

and then I sleep through my fucking alarm.

okay, whatever, it’s fine. I had to go out to get shit for my Fionna costume so I decided to head out once I’d had breakfast. It wouldn’t take me much longer than an hour and I could come home and get right to my tasks.

so I’m at the fabric store, with a meter of fleece and some velcro, and I go to pay. And my debit card doesn’t fucking work no matter what I try. So I ask the woman if she could hold my stuff while I run to the atm to get cash. But the atm declines me too. I try to log onto my online banking and that doesn’t work either. At this point I assume I’ve been locked out of my card so I head back to the store, apologize, and tell her I need to drive to the bank about ten minutes away to try to get my card fixed. She says that that’s no problem and she’ll hold my stuff until the end of the day (they close at 5. It is currently 1:30)

so I head to the bank. The line is absurdly long but finally I get up to a clerk and am like “hey I think I’ve been locked out of my card please help” and so he checks and yeah I have, bc the two scholarship cheques I deposited yesterday had been flagged as “unusual and suspicious activity” and he says he’ll call and see if he can get it unlocked for me. We’re on hold for like fifteen minutes. At this point my sister has asked me to come pick her up from her friend’s. Finally this guy gets through and they’re like “lol we can’t do it unless she has the cheques there and you can verify” and obv I didn’t have them so he was like “well either you can go get the cheques and bring them in or you can wait until tomorrow when the photos will show up in the system and then your card will be unlocked”. I don’t want to do either of those things bc going home and coming back then going back to the fabric store would take another like two hours. So I say fuck it and go to pick up my sister with the intent of dragging her back to the fabric store and getting her to use her card.

at that moment it starts fucking bucketing. I start driving to her friend’s house and the road is nearly flooded I was so worried. And then as I’m heading out I end up directed onto the highway (highway driving makes me really anxious so I try to avoid it so I’m panicking). At this point the rain is coming down in sheets and I can’t see anything. Im about to cry. I exit the highway and then get directed onto another highway. The traffic is so bad that I can’t make it to the left turn lane and I miss my turn. I only barely make it to the next left turn and thank god I did bc if i didn’t I’d be on my way to the next town.

I get to my sister’s friend’s place and my sister gets in the car and I ask if we can go back to the fabric store and have her buy the poor fabric I have left cut and alone just sitting there (I felt bad. They had cut it for me already I needed to get it). She says no problem and so we head once more to the fabric store.

we pull up and the lights are off. It’s 3pm. They should not be closed. Confused, we get out and go to check, and they are in fact closed. A woman comes up to us and explains that THE FUCKING POWER WENT OUT IN THE ENTIRE MALL. They were closed for the day, along with every other store there, including the spirit halloween that I needed to go to as well and the a&w my sister wanted to grab food at

so we drive away. I have literally gained nothing from this. I have bought none of the things I needed to get. I have wasted so much gas. It is now 3:30 and I have done zero of the things I wanted to get done today. I was literally crying

#it’s almost funny how awful it was #Friday the 13th hit three days late #I was so frustrated tho like nothing was fucking going my way #Plus my card is still locked! For no fucking reason!#they didn’t even like. send me an email either like maybe tell me if you think smth sus is happening?#maybe tell me if you’re locking my card?#fuck man I’m so tired and I barely got anything done today

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all-my-love-for-harry · 3 years ago

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Bring your kid to work Day.

summary: Artemis doesn’t know what Harry does for a living so he takes him to the studio for the day.

word count: 1.6k

a/n: I deleted the ask by mistake but this was resquested! I missed writing for these two! Blurbs with baby girl Morgana are coming, don't worry! (requests are open)

You can find the rest of my masterlist here

you can find more of my shy little boy here

Artemis didn't understand what Harry did for a living yet.

Being a musician didn't count as a profession in his mind. Hell, he couldn't even pronounce the word right. That, of course, always made Harry laugh because in the eyes of the little boy he was jobless.

Artemis met Harry when he was on a break. So aside from short trips to LA and a few occasional meetings, he was pretty much free all the time. He was quick to catch up with the differences between Harry's schedule and his mommy's and came up with the conclusion that the man didn't have a job.

Just like every Friday night, Harry arrived at Y/n's house with takeout from Artemis' favorite restaurant so they could have dinner together. Usually, Y/n preferred to cook, but it was the end of the semester and she had tons of essays to go through and her work pile only seemed to get taller so they decided to just order takeout.

He let himself in with the key he had and went straight to the living room, hoping to see his two loves chilling there.

"Harry!" A mop of curls came running towards him, wrapping his little arms around Harry's legs.

"Oof, almost took m'down, monkey." He said, running a hand through the little boy's soft hair. "Where's ye mummy?"

"Bathroom. Pick me up, Harry."

He chuckled but of course, obliged to his baby's request and picked him up with his free arm. The boy immediately wrapped his arms around Harry's neck pressing a kiss on his cheek. Harry's heart melted on the spot before returning the kiss, letting out a dramatic "mwah" to make him giggle.

"I thought I heard your voice." Harry heard his girlfriend and turned around to see her. "Hi, H."

"Hello, m'heart." He said sweetly before giving Y/n a short kiss on her lips. "Where do I put the food?"

"Let's go to the living room, Artemis has already picked up the movie."

Harry and Y/n took a seat on the couch while Artemis chose to sit on the floor by their feet, too focused on the movie that his eyes wouldn't leave the screen as he opened his mouth so his mom could feed him.

"How was work today?" Harry whispered, turning his attention to his girlfriend.

"Tiring. I don't think I can grade another paper." She sighed, dropping her head on his shoulder. "And tomorrow I have to do laundry and you know how long that takes when Artemis insists on helping." She chuckled softly.

"Why don't I take him out tomorrow? That way you can focus on your work, and don't worry about the laundry, the monkey and I will do it when we come back."

"Are you serious?" Y/n lifted her head from his shoulder to properly look at him, looking for any sight that would tell her he was joking. But of course, he wasn't. His eyes were filled with nothing but love and admiration.

"Absolutely. Anything to make you feel less stressed, baby. I might have to take him to the studio for a little bit though, Tyler called and said there was a problem with some vocals we recorded yesterday." He said.

"Are you sure he won't bother you? You need to work too." "Please, I've been wanting to take him for a while to show him I'm not jobless." He joked.

Just like he promised, he woke up bright and early and got Artemis ready for the day. Making breakfast and leaving a plate on the microwave for Y/n when she woke up.

"Where are we going?" Artemis asked as Harry scooped him from the floor to place him on his car seat. "And why is not mummy with us?"

"Your mummy has a lot of work to do, sweetheart. But hey, don't you want to spend the day with me?!" He said over excitedly, making the little boy giggle.

"To the park?" He said, big doe eyes looking straight at Harry. He made the most adorable face Harry couldn't help but chuckle. "We go to the park, Harry!"

"I can take you later, monkey. Right now I wanna show you where I work, do you want to go with me?"

"You work?" Artemis asked, tilting his head to the side in pure confusion.

"I sing songs, Arty. Remember?" The little boy nodded. "Wanna go see me do it?"

"Yes!"

After buckling him up in his car seat, Harry got inside of the car and drove off to the studio they've rented to record the album. Artemis asked for some music so they blasted old One Direction songs as he requested. Harry absolutely adored every second of it and it was the biggest ego boost whenever he'd ask to play his old band's songs or his newest stuff. Although said ego was also permanently bruised whenever he remembered he wasn't Artemis' favorite 1D member.

"Alright, buddy. There'll be some friends inside too. They're nice, okay? Do you remember my friend Mitch?"

"The one with the big cat?"

Harry chuckled and nodded before unbuckling him from the car seat, helping him off the car.

They walked the short distance from the parking lot to the building, Harry keeping his grip on Artemis' hand firm but gentle. Mitch and Tyler were already inside, waiting for him to arrive.

"What are we doing here, Harry?"

"Here is where I work, monkey. Here I write and record the songs I sing."

When they entered the room, Mitch was sitting on the couch with his guitar while Tyler was on a swivel chair close to the booth they used to record.

"Well if it isn't Mr. Styles who has finally graced us with his presence!" Tyler exclaimed.

Harry rolled his eyes playfully. "One time, Tyler, I've only been late one time."

"And who do we have here?" Tyler asked with a softer tone, noticing the small boy hiding behind Harry's legs.

"This is Artemis." Harry said. "Monkey, this is Tyler. And you already know Mitch over there." He pointed to the other man, who put his guitar down and smiled at the boy.

"Hi, I'm Artemis" Artemis mumbled, about to put his thumb in his mouth only to be stopped by Harry who grabbed his hand instead.

Harry encouraged him to take a seat next to Mitch while he went inside of the booth to record.

"We're missing the background vocals for Sunflower. Let's start with the chorus then go from there."

Harry nodded and before he slide into the booth, he turned to Artemis. "Doing good, bud?" Artemis gave him a thumbs up before making himself comfortable next to Mitch. "Can you keep him company for a little bit?"

"Of course, go on. I'm gonna show him a couple of moves, right bud?"

"Yeah, I stay with Mitchy!" He said more confidently.

Harry smiled before leaving them alone. He waited for Tyler to give him the green light and started singing.

He sang the chorus a couple of times before they were satisfied with the vocals, moving on to the outro of the song.

He lifted his head for a moment, a smile appearing on his face when he saw Mitch holding Artemis in his arms as they listened to Harry.

Harry was having fun, his heart full as he was singing one of the songs he has written for the love of his life, knowing her son, his little monkey was listening to him on the other side of the room. Wanting to make Artemis laugh, Harry started doing weird noises without thinking.

"Sunflower, sunflower. Ayy, woo, ow." Harry's smile grew as he heard Artemis' little giggles. "Woo-woo, woo, woo-woo, woo"

Artemis laughed louder, clapping a little as he copied Harry's sounds, now making Mitch chuckle.

"Ooh-woo, ooh-ooh. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo." Harry curled his index finger on his mouth, making a "pop" noise.

"Do it again!" He heard Artemis exclaim, making the three men laugh. "Again, Harry!"

"You heard the little man, Styles. Do it again!" Tyler said, opening the mic to talk.

"We got a bossy public in our hands, uh" Harry teased. "Alright, I'll do it again."

Artemis was bouncing on Mitch's arms, giggling every time Harry would make a different noise, asking him to keep doing them. At this point Harry was doing whatever Artemis asked him to do, the little boy making a few sounds himself. Harry loved seeing him like this, being playful and less shy around people.

At some point, Tyler put Artemis on his lap and let him mess around a little bit too. Teasing about how he'll be the new producer of Harry's album.

They spent two hours in the studio before Tyler let them go, knowing they couldn't entertain a four-year-old for much longer as he had young children on his own.

"Did you have fun, monkey?" Harry asked as they exited the building.

"I did! I like your friends, Harry."

"They liked you too, buddy." He assured him, opening the backseat door for him. "So, do you still think I'm jobless?"

"No-uh." He said, kicking his little feet back and forth as he waited for Harry to start the car.

"And what do I do for work?"

"You do funny noises in the studio!" He exclaimed excitedly, clapping his hands.

Harry mentally facepalmed, shaking his head while letting out a breathy laugh. Of course he'd say that.

"That's right, monkey."

"I wanna be like you when I grow up, Harry!" At Artemis' words, Harry's heart melted on the spot. "Can I be like you, Harry?"

"Wanna steal my job, mate?" Harry teased, making Artemis giggle. "I'm honored, monkey."

"Can we come back again?"

"Of course! I can bring you with me whenever you desire, baby. You just have to ask."

Later that day, Harry received a couple of voice messages from Mitch, and when he opened them, his heart fluttered. Mitch had managed to record Artemis' giggles and little noises he was making at the studio.

Harry was definitely bringing him back soon.

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miscelunaaa · 3 years ago

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spin cycle 7 | jjk

pairing: jungkook x female reader

genre: drabble series, slow burn, idiots to lovers, fluff, lil bit of angst, eventual smut

summary: This random guy has started doing laundry at your favorite laundromat each week (at the same time as you, no less!) and to be honest, it’s going to be a problem. You’re just not sure how yet.

rating: 18+ for eventual smut

word count: 500 exactlyyyyy

warnings: Jungkook being a simp for sweater paws. Both reader and Jungkook being socially awkward. A teeny Namjoon.

notes: Special thanks to @thatlongspringnight and @illneverrecover for helping me out with some language at the beginning, I really appreciate it! Also, a reminder that the tag list is open for this series! Message me or send an ask if you want to be added. Enjoy!

note 2: I know I said that I post, generally, on Mondays, but I’m getting my fourth covid vaccine dose tomorrow (it’s my booster! I’m immunosuppressed) and will likely be in bed chugging water and cuddling husbeard’s pillow for most of the day. So, with that in mind, have a drabble! Happy Sunday and see you soon :)

series masterlist | read on ao3

previous | next

Jungkook isn’t expecting you to look that cute in his sweatshirt. At all.

He’s not sure what came over him. He’s going to get cold without it, but, then again, he’s got two identical black hoodies (oversized, as he prefers) in the wash right now. He’s happy to lend it, he decides, because you look so fucking cute. It fits you perfectly, though the sleeves are a bit long. It gives you sweater paws. He’s never going to complain about a girl having sweater paws while wearing his hoodie.

“I’m Jungkook, by the way,” he says awkwardly.

“I’m Y/N,” you reply quietly. Your voice is soft, but not weak. Strong, but not louder than necessary.

“Sooo—” Jungkook feels his social anxiety creeping up his spine, “—Two AM laundry, right?” Nice, Kook, real smooth.

“Yeah, never thought someone else would do laundry at the same time as me. Ever.”

Are you annoyed? You sound annoyed. Jungkook’s brain is running about as fast as it can to find a subject to switch to.

“Yeah, I just moved at the beginning of the school year because my roommate started teaching at the university so new place, new laundromat, I guess.”

“Seems like an awfully novel time for laundry,” you press. You seem less annoyed, maybe? Maybe its just wishful thinking. Your brow is still furrowed—wow, you have nice eyebrows—but your jaw is no longer doing that weird, tense thing. Namjoon’s does it too actually. It’s scary.

“I’m in freelance and I’ve got a few clients who have weird schedules. This time just works for me as a wrap up to my day.” Okay, that was pretty good actually. Jungkook’s making the work he’s doing for Jin’s passion project sound way cooler than it actually is.

The look on your face is blank, as if you’re trying to decide what to say.

Jungkook scratches his neck. “So, um, what are you doing here so late?”

Your gaze flickers up to his, meeting it for a fleeting moment before falling back to the ground. “I’m a night owl.”

That’s it. That’s all you give him.

“Cool, same honestly.” At least it’s the truth. God, he’s so garbage at talking to you. He can almost picture Namjoon rolling his eyes at how awkward this conversation feels. Too bad he’s not here to do all the talking.

“Cool,” you repeat back quietly. “I’ve got work I need to get done. I can wash this next week and give it back to you, if that’s okay?”

“Oh.” Right, the hoodie. Do you smell good? Jungkook wonders if you smell good, and if there’s a way to find out before next week. Maybe he can keep you from washing it so that it stays smelling like you.

Is that weird?

Somewhere in his mind, there’s a tiny Namjoon haunting his neurons. At this question, the tiny Namjoon shouts “YES” and then laughs at the way it echos against his skull.

“Yeah, that’s totally fine. No rush.”

Thank you for reading! Drop me an ask and tell me what you think. Find me in various places at my carrd :)

©miscelunaaa 2021-2022. My work is only found on this blog and under my ao3 pseud. Do not, under any circumstances, copy or repost my work. Thank you.

posted: 1.30.2022. updated: 4.2.2022 with front matter fixes.

#bts fanfiction #bts fanfic #bts fic #jungkook fic #jungkook fan fic #jeon jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook fanfic #jjk fic #jjk x female reader #jjk fanfic #female reader l #slow burn #eventual smut #domestic fluff #sorry ahead of time in a few chapters we’re going to get a hint of angst #just a lil #balance makes it sweeter #possumswrite #miscelunaaa

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sunatooru · 3 years ago

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hi hello can i request a scenario/drabble for tsukishima, kuroo, oikawa, and akaashi with a fem!so who fainted during their heated argument? their argument would be about s/o being clingy and needy, and always talking and being noisy; turns out the reason she fainted was because of the fever she had early in the morning but didn't tell them about it in order not to be a 'bother' or 'nuisance'... then her fever got really worse during the argument and faints. *cue their boyfriends feeling like shit for all the rude things they said*

i am in need of some angst🪆

Sorry it took so long (I’ve had this since March 😭) but I hope it fills your angst need x

Warning: angst/comfort, gn!Reader, post Timeskip spoilers …are they dramatic?Yes

Tsukishima

It was rare you got to spend time with your boyfriend. Especially as he juggled working and playing volleyball. You wouldn’t miss the chance to be with him for a whole day, even if you woke up feeling like your head was being hammered.

You stayed wrapped around his arm, happily joining him on the sofa. You move to wrap your arms around his torso but he pushes your attempt away. You blink at him in confusion and try again, but fail when he stops you once more.

“Keiii, I want to cuddle..” you pout and he scoffs.

“What’s wrong with you? I finally get a day to relax and instead, I have you clinging to me and being annoying.” He glares at you, making you pull back and your throat tighten.

“I-“ you get cut off

“You what? You’re always trying to push yourself on me. It’s suffocating!” He gets up and walks towards the bedroom, you hot on his heels.

“Kei, can you please be a little quieter? All I want is to spend some time with you…you’re always so busy…” you defend but he kisses his teeth.

“Exactly. I’m always busy, so can you just let me chill out? I don’t need you whining in my ear and having you on me all the time! God, it’s like you need to annoy me!” He shouts at you.

You swallow harshly. Your chest feeling tight as his words ring in your ear. Your head pounding as you feel yourself heat up.

“Kei…I-I don’t…” you try to reach for him but he moves.

“Did you not just hear what I s- hey..hey!” You feel yourself lean forward as your eyes close.

You wake up when you feel something cool on your forehead, opening your eyes slowly to see Kei next to you.

“Kei…”

“Are you okay? You just fainted out of nowhere…why…and I said all those thing-“ you grab his hand.

“I wasn’t feeling well in the morning…I tried to push it away to spend time with you…” he looks at you guiltily, sighing and cupping your hands.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean anything I said. You’re not suffocating…everyday I come home, I can’t wait to see you. I don’t know why I said that…I’ve just been so overwhelmed and I took it out on you. I’m sorry baby. ” He confesses.

“I love you so much…I don’t even deserve you.” He whispers, biting his tongue as he looks at you.

“Hmm, I love you too…it’s okay. Can you just hold me, please.” You give him a small smile and he wraps you around him.

Kuroo

It’s that time of year where deadlines need to be met. You watch him scribble on papers and pull at his hair. You could see how tense he was and decided to bring him something hot to sip on.

“Tetsu, you need a break.” You slowly make your way into the room, carrying a hot mug and small snack.

“Can’t. Got to finish finalising the contract.” He informs, crossing out lines and writing again.

You huff and approach him, struggling to find a place to set the tray due to his messy desk.

“Come on. You need to atleast drink something, you’ve been at it for hours now. “ you press, causing him to clench his jaw.

He slams his pen against the desk, startling you before he faces you.

“I just said I need to finish this contract. Of course I’ve been working on it for hours. It’s important. You’ve been coming in and out of the room and disturbing me! I’m busy trying to do my job and you can’t even leave me alone for a few hours? Stop being so clingy all the time!” He fumes, eyes glaring at you as he starts to stand up.

You feel you mouth go dry as his words echo, your vision starting to fade as he finally stands, a rush taking over that you drop the tray. A loud smash of the mug rings in your ear.

“Are you serious- babe! What’s- babe!” Is the last thing you hear before your vision goes black.

You stir when you feel movement besides you. Slowly opening your eyes to see his leg bouncing nervously. He notices you looking and instantly grabs your hand.

“Have you not been eating? Were you waiting for me? Fuck! You fainted, I- what happened?” He rambles, eyes filled with regret.

“I felt a fever in the morning but I didn’t want to tell you because I knew how important your contract was.” You mumble, avoiding his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, babe. I was so stressed and occupied with the deal that I forgot about you and said so many regrettable things. Please, I didn’t mean anything I said. You’re not clingy. I love that you’re always watching over me. I promise, I’ll take more care. Of you and me.” He apologises, bring your hand up to kiss it.

“Here drink this.” He hands you a mug, your eyes widening as your remember the one you dropped.

“I cleaned it, don’t worry. I’m sorry. Let’s just get you feeling better, okay. The contract can wait. You’re more important.” You give him a small smile and nod.

He stays besides you until you persuade him you’re better. He kisses and hugs you until you’re both laughing like before.

Oikawa

You always told each other where you were going before leaving. It was something you did for safety. Yet, recently he’d been leaving before you wake up and coming home late. You reasoned it was probably for the upcoming game. The game that would makes his dream come true. But it did hurt that that one routine had started to break.

You had woken up to your head pounding. Your body feeling hotter than usual and the bed empty for another morning. You attempt to shake it off and go on with the day.

You’re surprised when the door open around midday and see Tooru drop his bag.

“Tooru! You’re home!” You run up to hug him but he stops you.

“Sorry, I’m just really sweaty right now.” He kisses your forehead and runs towards the bathroom.

You smile to yourself, quickly fixing lunch, in hopes you would both enjoy together. But instead, you hear him run down and reach for the door again.

“Tooru, where are you going?” You stop him, confusion on your face.

“Ah I just need to go out again. You know the game and practice.” He states grabbing his bag.

“But you just got home. Look, I made you lunch too. You can practice tomorrow. I barely see you recently! You don’t even tell when you’re leaving…” you shout.

“No! I need to go. I need to practice more. I can’t be with you all the time, every day. You’re so needy. Can’t you see how important this is for me? What? I can’t even leave my own house without telling you?” He yells in frustration.

“That’s not the problem. You- you’re not even caring about your health. I just want to make sure you’re okay!” You feel yourself burn up again.

You get closer to him, hands shivering as you feel weak.

“Listen I’m going to training! Don’t wait-“ he’s walking out the door but you reach for him, collapsing against his back.

You hear mumbling and groan as you open your eyes.

“Tooru…” you call out and he’s there in a heartbeat.

“Do you know how high your temperature was? You were burning up! And then you fainted and I-I didn’t know what happening and god if anything happened to you I would never forgive myself.” He cries, wrapping his arms around you tightly.

“I’m okay..” you whisper but he shakes his head.

“No you’re not. Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well?” He says, hurt.

“I don’t want to me a nuisance…and you haven’t really been here so I tried to shake off in the morning.” You reply.

“Since morning… please forgive me, baby. Please. I know I’ve been neglecting you and if I was here then you wouldn’t be feeling like this. I’m sorry for what I said. I know i can’t take it back but I wish I could, because it’s not true. You’re not needy. I’m just an idiot who keeps forgetting to appreciate you. Baby, I’m sorry for hurting you.” He sniffles, sitting next to you and pulling you into him.

“Tooru, you’ll get sick too.” You stress but he holds you tighter.

“Just a few more minutes. I’ve missed you too. I promise I won’t leave you and take care of you. Forever.” He kisses you deeply.

Akaashi

The best way you decided to get rid of the fever you woke up with, was to distract yourself doing anything else. You organised yourself desk, bed and even laundry. You could feel yourself getting warmer again and decide to find your boyfriend.

He’s in his study carefully editing a new clients work. He’s usually calm and collected but he’s been on edge due to the pressure from his boss. You watch him take off his glasses and rub his tired eyes. You sigh and walk in.

“Hi darling!” You say cheerfully, only to get a less enthusiastic response.

“You’ve been stuck to the desk the whole day. Come on, talk to me a bit. Think of it as a little break.” You wrap your arms around him from behind.

“I’m almost done. We can talk after.” He whispers.

“Keijiii, I’m so bored please. Plus you need to take some rest. Let’s just talk about something, like I don’t know, where we should travel to? Or maybe anything interesting that happened at work? Come on, I want to spend time with -“ you’re cut off by his stern voice.

“Gosh, why are you so talkative? I’m trying to focus on something and you keep talking and being noisy after I said we can talk later. It’s like you’re trying to annoy me on purpose!” He scrunches his fists and huffs.

“I-I’m just trying to look out for you. You know you need a break too. Don’t yell at me! Sorry I’m so talkative and trying to engage with my boyfriend, who clearly thinks I’m annoying.” You choke out, feeling a little woozy as you start to leave.

“Love, wait! I didn’t mean it…”

“Whatever…I should’ve just stayed in bed-“ you feel your eyes getting heavy, and your knees feeling weak.

“Y/n!”

You wake up a few minutes later to him wiping your face softly. You try to get up but he stops you.

“Easy, let me help.” You can hear the guilt in his voice as he sets your pillow.

“I’m sorry for shouting at you. I let my frustrations take over and put it on you. I want you to know that, I didn’t mean what I said. I should’ve paid more attention and seen you weren’t feeling well.” He fidgets with his hands, scared to look at you.

“Your words hurt, Keiji. Even if you were frustrated, just please take some breaks. You’re going to burnout if you don’t.” You cup his hands and he finally looks up.

“I know. I know, I’ll do better and listen to you. How do you feel?” He presses his hands to both your foreheads.

“Better now that you’re here.”

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seung-hwa · 3 years ago

Text

lil lemon dress

Word Count: 2.6k

Pairing: husband!Yunho x reader

Genre: Smut, fluff, established relationship

Summary: After a long day of work Yunho comes home to see you in a new dress that gets him the slightest bit of hot and bothered.

Warnings: big dick!Yunho (because of course), fingering, breeding kink, fairly softish sex, manhandling, talks of pregnancy, piv, unprotected sex, creampie (I’m so tired of having this be a warning every fic y’all I’ve got a problem)

A/N: I went to Anthropologie the other day and there was this really cute lemon dress that immediately made me think “house wife” and “Yunho” and this is the end result. Also! This is unedited I wrote it at like 4am so if it’s shit don’t talk about it okay anyway enjoy lmao

Yunho had left early in the morning to get to work, you didn’t mind as you have a whole slew of things to get done in the house to keep your mind occupied. These days his job at the office took so much of his time that he’d often end up bringing work home as well. It was as though he was working 24/7 and you see how tired he is all the time. It’s currently busy season, and it isn’t like he has much time to dedicate to you when he has deadline after deadline to meet. You understand that this will only last a little bit longer, and as much as you miss him right now, you also know that once the season settles he’ll be all yours.

Today you decided to do some shopping, get some decor for the house and do laundry. It didn’t take too much of your time, and you moved at a leisurely pace throughout the entirety of the day, enjoying the time you had for yourself. Once things at his work began to settle, and once you were able to set your own business up from home then these small moments of peace would eventually be gone. Soon enough you’d start up the cute little family that you and your husband had always dreamed of, his busy season’s would come and go, and your business would (hopefully) be booming.

You went about your business in a wrap around lemon dress, one that very much so screamed housewife. It was a cute little number that you had recently bought, and hadn’t had a chance to wear yet. In fact, you never even got the opportunity to show the article of clothing to Yunho and get his opinion on it. Although, you’re sure he’ll love it since his opinion is that everything you wear looks beautiful on you.

The door opens just as you’re prepping dinner. Nothing’s on the stove yet, you’re just cutting vegetables unfortunately. It catches you by surprise when you glance at the clock and find Yunho's home a whole hour earlier than usual. In fact, you would’ve been less shocked if he had come home a few hours later than this, as is the case with busy seasons.

Just as you’re about to turn around and greet him at the door, you feel his hands come from behind your waist and wrap around your front, cradling you into a hug.

“Baby, you’re home early,” you say to him from over your shoulder.

“Mmm, the bookkeeper hasn’t sent me any of the stuff I need for my current assignment and I’m at a standstill with all my other clients so I figured I’d call it in early for today. Hopefully I’ll get an email tomorrow with all the stuff I need or I may just need to find some work to do,” he sighs.

You feel so bad for him, his job would be so much easier if the others around him could just do their jobs well.

“I’m sorry dinner isn’t ready my love,”.

“Don’t even worry about dinner tonight, we can just order in,” he says.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure. I want to spend the rest of my afternoon just being lazy and being with you,”. You smile even though you know he can’t see you since he’s still holding onto you. You turn yourself around in his arms and look up at his tired eyes.

“Oh Yunho, you look so tired baby,” you give him a sympathetic smile as you bring your hand up to his cheek and stroke the skin there with your thumb.

Instead of answering he brings his lips down to yours. The kiss is sweet and gentle, no rushing involved as he molds his lips to yours and steals your breath away. He pulls away for a moment and rests his forehead against yours, the hands at your waist give you a small squeeze before he separates from you. He gives you a once over once as he finally takes in the way you look in your new dress.

“Oh is that new?”

“It is! Do you like it?” He takes your hand in his and spins you around, watching the way the skirt of the dress flares upwards in a pretty way.

“I can’t believe you can make lemons look so good,” he says to you and you chuckle in response.

This time he pulls you towards him and dances with you around the kitchen. There’s no music, and no rhythm for you to follow, but he doesn’t mind when you step on his feet a few times. Instead he giggles at every misstep you make and continues to swing you around.

“My beautiful wife…” you can hear him murmur, and the dreamy way he says it fills your heart with warmth. These sweet moments aren’t unusual, nor are they few or far in between, but you still cherish them nonetheless.

Now it’s his turn to take your face into his hands and he kisses you once more. This time it’s a little less soft and a lot more demanding, his tongue pushes against your lips and you allow him access. He takes his time with you, tongue exploring your mouth as his hands lower themselves to the tie that keeps your dress intact. Still, he doesn’t rush as his fingers work to untie the knot of your dress and pull it off of you. You’re slightly surprised by his sudden need for you considering how tired he looks but you’re not complaining at all.

You feel the cool air brush against your skin as the dress comes off, goosebumps rising on your skin until Yunho runs his hands over you. He backs you into a counter, his lips leave yours only to trail their way down your throat and suck at the juncture between your shoulder and neck. He draws a small moan from you as he works to undress you. He may be taking his time with you, but you notice how hastily his hands work to take off his own suit and tie. You help him by unbuttoning his shirt as he makes work of taking off his pants.

You both find yourselves clad in only your underwear as he continues to run his hands along your body while his lips kiss whatever skin he can find. When you brush your hand down to his boxers you hear him hiss as you make contact with his hardening member through the cloth. There’s a certain sense of neediness when his lips make contact with yours once more. He gives you the kind of kiss you know will leave your lips red and tingly once he departs from you.

His hands slide to your ass and he gives you a light tap, you take this as your signal to jump and he catches you, then placing you onto the kitchen counter. You take the initiative in pulling your bra off of you, and when he feels your bare skin against his he trails his kisses down to your chest. You run your hands through his hair, pulling softly as he takes a nipple into his mouth and runs his tongue over the hardening bud. You arch into his touch, keening at the way his mouth feels on you. He then moves onto the other nipple and does the same thing, all the while he looks up at you. The bags under his eyes are darker than you’ve ever seen them but the lust is unmistakable as you see how his dark brown eyes are overtaken by the black of his pupils.

You feel the way one of his hands comes into contact with your panties, stroking at you through the cotton material. You know he can feel the wetness that seeps through and he lets out a low moan from the realization of it.

“Already so wet for me… I’ve barely done anything and you’re already so wet for me,” you can tell he’s on the verge of losing it when you hear the way he takes in a shaky breath. As much as you would love for him to touch and tease you how he usually does, you also understand that he needs more than that right now.

“Yunho, baby I need you in me,”.

“Let me get you ready first okay? It’ll hurt if I don’t,” you give him a nod and he sets to work on taking off your panties before running two fingers up your slit. You’re just about to tell him to put them in but he does so before you can even open up your mouth.

His fingers push into you slowly, and he allows you a moment to get used to the sudden stretch before he’s thrusting them into you. He watches the way your expression twists into one of pleasure as he hooks his fingers and hits your sweet spot. His thumb then comes up to rub at your clit and it causes you to move your hips in time with the thrust of his fingers.

He reattaches his lips onto your neck, biting and sucking there as his hand moves faster. Your moaning mixed with the wetness of his fingers inside of you fills the kitchen. As much as you would love to come this way, you also prefer to come with him inside of you instead. It takes all your willpower to put your hand over his and push it away from you.

“Inside, please, I need you inside,” you say, almost breathless.

It doesn’t take him long to push his boxers down and begin to tease at your entrance, coating himself in your wetness before he pushes into you slowly. He watches the way he sinks into you, inch by agonizing inch. It doesn’t matter how often you take his cock, he always has to warm you up to him first just so that he doesn’t hurt you. You love the care he takes with you, making sure you’re never uncomfortable, especially with how big he is.

Once he’s fully inside of you he cups your face in his hands and pulls you in for another kiss. It gives you the time you need to adjust to his size until you’re the one pulling away and giving him the okay to go ahead. You watch as he bites at his bottom lip, not letting go of your face and also not moving within you. Normally you’d be a little whiny and be insistent on him moving but you can tell there’s something on his.

“What’s wrong Yun?”

“I want a baby,” he says without a single ounce of hesitation.

“Oh?” You say a bit dumbly, “what brought that out?”

“Just seeing you in here, so beautiful in your lemon dress, it’s all so domestic. It made me think about how you’d look pregnant with our baby, or how you’d look when we have our own little rugrats running around here. I want that with you. I want all the domestic things with you,”. It takes you a moment to process what he says, and once it registers in your mind it very easily begins to fill your heart with an immense amount of love for him.

“I want that with you too, my love,” you say to him. You can’t say that you forget about the fact that he’s still inside of you, but it did escape from your mind for a millisecond until he begins to thrust into you slowly.

His hands let go of your face and settle down onto your waist as his thrusts hit deep inside of you. There’s a hunger in his eyes that wasn’t there before, as if the confirmation from you is all he needed in order to finally let go.

The grip he has on you is bruising, and the way you pull at his hair in your grasps only causes him to grip onto you tighter. Any self restraint he had prior is thrown out of the window as he thrusts into you faster. He nearly pulls you off of the counter as he angles your hips better to meet his. He keeps one hand holding onto you as the other comes to rub at your clit again.

You know he isn’t going as rough as what he could, because he may be going faster but he’s still trying to make sure you won’t be in pain later.

“Stop holding back Yun, I want you to fuck me. Get me pregnant baby,”.

It’s like a switch flips as he pulls you completely off the counter, only to turn you around and bend you over it. You don’t do this position too often since he’s so big but you’re so wet and the way he manhandles you only causes him to be able to slide into you much easier.

The slap of his skin on yours is almost as loud as the moans you let out for him. You rest your face on the cool granite of the counter, hands gripping onto it as he fucks into you. He makes the effort to grab onto one of your legs and helps you to put your knee onto the counter. The position is slightly awkward but it helps him hit you deeper, there’s only a slight amount of pain as you feel the tip of him brushing against your cervix.

He’s so lost in the feel of you that he doesn’t bring his fingers down to your clit, but you don’t mind. You bring your own fingers to rub at yourself as he fucks you to his hearts content. You feel him kissing down your neck and peppering kisses along your back with each thrust that meets you. You can tell he’s close when his hips begin to stutter. Only then does he replace your hand with his own, fingers nearly slipping with how wet you’ve become.

Your orgasm hits you just as you feel him releasing into you. He helps you ride it out as he continues, but even as you begin to come down he doesn’t stop. The oversensitivity begins to bother you and you can only whimper, all words lost on you.

“I know baby I know, just gotta make sure I fuck all my cum into you,”. He keeps going for only a moment longer until he stops his thrusts. He helps you take your knee off of the counter but keeps himself inside of you while doing so. Your legs feel like jelly and you’re thankful that he’s holding onto you, because if he wasn’t then you’d surely be a puddle on the ground.

Eventually he pulls out of you, and turns you around to face him once again. He meets your lips in a kiss as sweet as the first one he gave you when he arrived back home. You’re both breathless from the sex, and very sweaty.

“Let me start the bath and you can order the takeout?” He asks you with a tired smile.

“Of course my love,” you say before giving him a peck on his nose.

He’s just about to let you go until he pulls you into him for a hug.

“You know I love you so much right?”

“I know Yun, I love you too,” when he steps away from you he looks at you like you’ve put the stars in the sky, nothing but pure unadulterated love in his eyes as he takes you in.

Maybe you’ll start wearing that lemon dress more often.

More A/N: Thanks for reading! If you want more Yunho smut then feel free to take a look at this lil number right here (or take a look at my most recent fic here). But if neither of those tickle your fancy then feel free to take a look at my masterlist here instead. I also have a tag list so if you’d like to be added onto that then let me know buddy. Okay cool bye!

#yunho smut #ateez smut #yunho x reader #ateez x reader #yunho imagine #ateez imagine #ateez Drabble #yunho Drabble #ateez fic #yunho fic #jeong yunho x reader

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lacheri · 4 years ago

Text

when you can’t sleep at night // wake me (sequel)

pairing: captain!Levi x cadet!fem bodied reader

content: angst, canonverse, mentions and talks of death/portrayals of death, depictions of violence, blood, overall dark themes, unestablished relationship, fingering, mutual loss of virginities, overstimulation, takes place sometime before the 57th expedition (didn't follow an exact timeline), there is a lot of talks about dying in this, levi asks a lot of intrusive questions, minors DNI.

summary: levi finds he holds an affection to a certain cadet of his. you find that maybe the comfort of your captain can quiet the thoughts plaguing your mind, even if just for one night.

wc: 10.7k

The clouds were so fluffy, so white and pure as you longingly watched them swirl above you. Your entire body was numb, back flat against the dirt with all your limbs stretched out. Your brain felt fuzzy, and for a fleeting moment you were flying in the clouds. You could feel the water vapor skim past your fingertips, the air whooshing against you as you soared. You looked down at the earth beneath your form, all the trees and even the walls looked so tiny from this height. This peaceful daydream was pulled from you with a start, your chest heaving with coughs.

“I’m so sorry!” you heard a voice call out, your line of vision intruded by the hazy form of a person leering over you. “I didn’t mean to hit you like that!”

“‘S okay,” you choked out, the numbness fading into aches all over your body. “I’ve gotten you good a couple of times too, Eren.”

“You know what, on second thought,” Eren’s lips spread into a smirk as he extended a hand down. “Consider this payback for beating my ass all those times in the Training Corps.”

“Good on you for finally landing a hit,” you chuckled, wincing as he hauled you to your feet. “Only took you three years.”

You rocked on your ankles, steadying yourself quickly before your legs gave out on you. Eren had gotten you good, roundhouse kicking you in your chest to lay you out on your ass. His training sessions had begun to pay off, used to the reverse happening when the two of you sparred. Mikasa would look on intently, a small smile on her lips when you’d punch Eren’s smug face with a sharp hook. You and 104th cadets were a friendly, strong group, bonded over the horrors of the titans, especially after what happened in Trost.

“What are you brats doing out here?”

Your heads whipped in the direction of the strong voice, meeting the steely hard set eyes of Levi, your captain and soon to be squad leader. His arms were crossed, and you gulped upon taking notice of how his biceps strained under the grey linen of his button up. You quickly flickered your focus back to his eyes before he caught you eyeing him up.

“Just sparring,” Eren hadn’t released the grip on your hand, nor had he noticed he was still holding onto your palm as he addressed the superior. “Prepping for the mission tomorrow.”

Levi frowned, “And who told you it was okay to do so when I gave you cadets instruction to clean the headquarters from top to bottom?”

You pulled your hand from Eren’s as you responded, “Sorry, Captain Levi. We’ll get on it right away.”

Levi only let out a displeased ‘tch’ as he turned on his heels, walking away without further commentary. Eren shot you an eye roll, and you held back a snicker as the pair of you followed shortly after the ravenette. Maybe the two of you had snuck away to leave the rest of your comrades to attack the former Survey Corps headquarters with dusters and cleaning rags, not wanting to participate in your weekly assigned duties. Eren had been adamant in the cobwebbed hallway on the second floor that he had to practice his hand to hand combat, just in case your squads ran into some problems on tomorrow’s mission. You had eagerly agreed, wanting to be as far away from the unsettled dust that assaulted your nostrils, itching at your allergies.

As the three of you entered the building, Levi abruptly turned to the two of you trailing behind him, you and Eren jumping in fright, “Eren, go to the dining hall, you’re going to wipe down underneath all the tables. As for you, brat, you get the honor of cleaning my room.”

Eren shot you a sympathetic look discreetly, nodding to your captain as he hightailed it to the hall.

You swallowed a lump in your throat, alone now with the captain. He studied you for a brief moment, gesturing with his head for you to follow him. Your feet moved before your mind could will you, and the soft thuds of your footsteps across the wooden planks of the floor was all that was heard. You snuck glances at the man before you, taking notice that his undercut was slightly grown in, his longer hair uncharacteristically out of place. Levi looked disheveled in a way, his tan leather jacket creased.

You opened your mouth to make a comment, but decided against it in the end. You were going to offer your assistance, to help freshen up his fade and to do his laundry, but figured Levi was a grown man who could take care of himself. You had a soft spot for the man, humanity’s strongest soldier. You knew a title like that came with a weight you could not fathom, especially after the horrors you had seen at Trost when the titans broke through the walls. You could remember everything so clearly, almost as if it was happening right now. You had nearly died that day.

Your older age amongst your fellow cadets was not one of gain you found out. After learning about the tragedy of Wall Maria, the wall closest to your village, it inspired you to join the Survey Corps in order to help the world. Humanity was dying, almost completely obliterated. Distant family members had died in Shiganshina that day, and the reality of the titans weighed heavily on you. How could you sit idly by as the world you knew was being destroyed before your very eyes? What would’ve happened had that attack been on your small village instead of the Shiganshina district? How would you have protected your own?

So with those thoughts in mind, you joined the training corps. Your parents had disagreed with broken hearts, knowing the likely fate of your choices. Your mother had insisted that you were of ripe marrying age, and that they had no other children to carry your family name. They begged and pleaded for you to settle down and find a husband, to help humanity in a different way by bearing children. You knew this was just a fantasy, and you knew it would be entirely possible that if you were to follow their wishes, the family you would create would be devoured and destroyed. This was the only way you could help, no matter your age or being in your reproductive prime. You needed to slaughter the titans, one by one until none remained. You kissed your beloved family goodbye the day you left for training, and you frequently sent them letters to let them know you were well and alive. One day, they all were returned back to you as you sat in the barracks, and one of the captains informed you that your village was destroyed, your parents and friends from home all dead.

You thought of them as you sliced through a five meter titan’s nape in Trost, your first kill. The citizens of the district ran stampeding in retreat, and caught up in the heat of it all, you had failed to account for the seven meter barreling behind you. When it’s burning fingers wrapped around your body, you sobbed, preparing to meet your family in the afterlife, whatever that would look like. You could feel the hot spats of drool hit your cheeks as the titan opened its mouth, bearing teeth and a cruel grin, and then suddenly, you were flying, caught in the arms of a savior. You stared in disbelief at the cut off fingers on the graveled stone of the street, to only be brought out of this state as Mikasa held you close and questioned if you were alright.

After the dust settled and the casualties were counted, you could feel a fire blazing deep within you. You never wanted to be vulnerable like that ever again, you wanted to be strong like Mikasa. Then, you met Captain Levi. You didn’t know much about him, but his reputation spoke volumes. You wanted the strength of the Ackermans whom you so deeply admired. You begged Commander Erwin to be assigned to Levi’s squad, and your wish was granted. You had been in the top rankings of your class, and you had a solo kill under your belt, aside from the near fatal clutch of another titan. Most of all, you had survived, a bigger feat than most of your comrades.

“Oi, you done daydreaming?” Levi’s cool voice brought you out of your train of thoughts as you arrived outside a wooden door, presumably his temporary living space.

“Sorry, just thinking,” you mumbled as he opened the door.

“Didn’t think you were capable of that. All the supplies are in the box on my desk, I want this room spotless, I don’t care how long it takes,” your captain grumbled as he made strides to his desk in the center of the room.

The room was fairly large, a double bed pressed against the left wall and the dark wooden desk was littered in paperwork. Half filled bookshelves lined the right wall, some mismatched couches and chairs filled the empty space. Honestly, the space was nearly perfect, even the bed was made. You knew better than to point this out to your superior though, so you had simply nodded and began to sort through the various cleaning supplies.

The scratch of Levi’s pen filled the hour long silence as you worked, dusting every surface and wiping it down with disinfectant spray and an old rag. After sweeping thoroughly, you flickered your eyes to the single window in the entire room, surprised completely as the sun had nearly set. The two of you were probably going to miss dinner, you realized as Levi poked his head up from the pile of papers he was concentrated on, a clear look of distaste on his features.

“This is what you call clean?” he spat, running a hand through his bangs. “Mop the floors, cadet.”

You sighed, feeling the subtle growl of hunger in the pit of your stomach. The mop laid in the left corner by the bedroom door, where you had found the broom. You swapped the two, picking up a bucket on the floor. You filled the wooden container with disinfectant, not seeing any polish in the box Levi had provided. He only rolled his eyes at seeing this, but said nothing. At least the floor would be clean.

Levi had lit a few lamps around the room to provide lighting as the sun dipped lower in the sky, swallowing the room in darkness. The floor was sparkling as you finished the last spot, a feeling of satisfaction filling your chest.

“Better?” you interrupted his concentration. He gazed around the room silently, face blank.

“Much,” Levi finally spoke. “That’ll be all, cadet.”

You smiled, setting the cleaning supplies back to their original locations, “Do you want me to bring you anything? I’m going down to grab dinner.”

Levi’s eyes widened at the question, not expecting your offer, “Some tea would be fine. Don’t fuck it up either, brat.”

You nodded as he dismissed you, and you treaded down the stairwell from the second floor to the kitchens. Some of the other cadets littered the dining hall as you passed, seeing some of your comrades laughing at a table, but you paid them no mind. In the kitchen there was hardly any leftover food from the dinner, scraps of potatoes sat in a large bowl on one of the counterspaces. You sighed, scarfing down whatever was available while you set a rusted kettle to a flame. The water was boiled within minutes, and you poured it over tea leaves in two teacups. You cleaned up your mess, and made your way back to Levi’s room.

You knocked twice on the door, hearing his grunt to signal you to enter. Levi was still positioned in his chair at his desk, head in his hands as he scanned over his documents. You placed his cup down silently, ready to leave the man to his work.

“Why are you here, cadet?” your captain called out as you went to open the door.

You turned your head to look at him, his eyes never leaving the words of his papers, “What do you mean, captain?”

“The Survey Corps,” he clarified, finally making eye contact. “Why?”

“To save humanity, sir?” you didn’t mean to speak as if you were questioning him, but your eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

He scoffed, setting his paperwork aside, “Humanity, huh? You’re a bit too old to be in the graduating class you’re currently in. Why join now?”

“I’m sorry, but I’m confused,” your body was facing his entirely now. “Why are you asking me these questions?”

“Because it doesn’t make sense,” he more so mumbled to himself. “You shouldn’t be here. You should be pregnant with your first born, with a husband. Instead, you’re here, trying to fight titans.”

“With all due respect, Captain,” your voice was laced with controlled anger. “I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

“Aren’t you scared?” Levi continued, ignoring your question. “You could’ve picked the easy way.”

“It would’ve been in vain. My village was wiped out shortly after Wall Maria fell.”

He hummed, his hands coming down to rest on the wooden notches of his desk, papers forgotten, “You were in the top ranks. You could’ve joined the military police.”

“And hear how my comrades died instead of helping them?” you gawked.

“It’s a lot better than watching.”

You shut your mouth then, lips pressing tightly together. You didn’t understand why your captain was questioning you like this.

“I see the way you are with them,” his tone softened, not looking you in the eyes as he spoke. “How you all are.”

“Just because I’m friendly doesn’t mean I’ll forget the purpose of the scouts,” you said defensively, crossing your arms. “I have my own ass to account for.”

Levi pushed off his chair suddenly, scraping the just mopped floor and jolting up to his legs, “You have no idea what it’s like out there. Your friends are going to die, cadet. There’ll be nothing you can do to save them. Are you prepared for that? Collecting their bodies, or whatever’s left of them to take home to their families?”

Your mouth went dry, jaw slacking, “Captain, I know what loss feels like. My family is dead, some of my so called ‘friends’ died in Trost. I know what I signed up for.”

He scoffed, circling around his desk to stand a few feet away from you, “Haven’t you seen enough?”

“Are you trying to get me to quit the Survey Corps?” you asked incredulously.

“Yes. You don’t belong here,” his tone was rough as he spat at you. “Go find a husband. Get the fuck out of the military.”

“I don’t want to,” your anger simmered as you stared down at your boots. “I don’t have a home to go back to. I can’t leave. I know the other cadets aren’t my friends. I’m just trying to make the best out of my life before I die. I know I’m going to die. What’s so wrong about trying to find comfort in others?”

“You are a fool,” he seethed, teeth clenched. “You want to die?”

You shook your head, not bothering to keep the conversation going, “I’m going to bed, Captain. I’ll see you tomorrow for the mission.”

“I didn’t dismiss you, cadet,” Levi towered over you now as your hand wrapped around the doorknob.

You brought your fist up to your chest in a salute as you began to exit, “With absolutely no disrespect, I’m exhausted. Have a good night, Captain.”

You pushed the door shut in front of you as you stood in the hallway. You knew you would be getting an ear full from Levi in the morning, but honestly, the conversation was beginning to stir up feelings you’d rather not address. Intrusive thoughts filled your mind as you made your way to the first floor where your temporary bedroom resided.

You couldn’t answer Levi’s question because in a way, in a very selfish train of thought, you didn’t want to be a part of the titan’s world anymore, whether that meant death or something else. How easy it would be for you to greedily pack your things and leave the military and take refuge in some random village to live out the rest of your days, however long they would be. Or to just simply become fodder for the titans in your quest to rid the world of their reign.

Your uniform was folded on your bedside table, a cotton shirt and shorts on your body as you sat on your bed over the covers. You could hear the soft snores of Christa as she slumbered peacefully in the bed across the room, and you gazed over her body under her covers. You knew the people you trained with, fought with, grew fond of, were not your friends. How could they be? It’d only make things harder in the end. Like Levi had said, you might be the one collecting their deceased bodies after a battle. How could you ever grow close to someone that you knew their days were numbered?

The 104th cadets were your comrades, not your makeshift family. You had to remind yourself of that every time Sasha would ask for your leftovers, batting her big eyes at you. When Eren would spar with you, telling you how strong you were and commending you on how far you had come since the first day of the Training Corps. How Mikasa literally saved your life, and how you had admired her ever since. Armin’s unmatched potential and growth. Jean’s relentless taunting, giving you the nickname of gram because of your age. Connie, well frankly, just being Connie. Reiner and Bertholdt’s strong will and passion. Annie’s unwavering willpower and prowess. All the other cadets who you’d gotten to know so well, you had to constantly imagine their corpses as they smiled at you and tried to get to know you. So, you stayed back, opting to be alone at any opportunity, so their deaths would be easier to swallow when the time came.

You squeezed your eyes shut, shaking your head to try and rid yourself of your thoughts. It was of no use, and with a sigh you pushed yourself out of your bed. You deemed it would be yet again another sleepless night, and you realized sadly you had left your tea cup in Levi’s office completely untouched. You didn’t bother to entertain the thought of going back to retrieve it, instead you slinked through your bedroom door and out of the headquarters.

The night air was chilly, and you felt regret for not grabbing your jacket on your way out. The moon was gone, a completely black night, and you could see the stars crystal clear. The sky was your favorite sight, especially on nights like this.

You found a nice patch of soft grass, and laid on your back to gaze up at the sky. This was always your comfort, even as a child, to go outside and watch the sky, day or night. Your mother would warn you that your eyes would fall out of your head if you stared too long at the sun, at the moon. You didn’t care, because in those moments you felt so free. Free of the walls that caged you inside, of the world around you. You were the clouds, the stars, the wind as it rolled past. Maybe you were never meant to be human, you mused. You were meant to be nature, never to experience the trials and tribulations of sentinel living. You were supposed to be free, all knowing and ignorant at the same time, existing without the weight of consciousness.

“Thought you were going to bed, cadet?”

You were startled by the boom of a familiar voice behind you, collecting yourself and clearing your throat, “I couldn’t sleep.”

Levi’s head bobbed into your field of vision, “Thought too hard today?”

You rolled your eyes, feeling guilty as you caught the action afterwards and hoped your captain wouldn’t find it as a disrespect, “Yeah, you could say that.”

“Why are you out here of all places, without a jacket?” out of the corner of your eye you watched as Levi brought himself down to sit next to you.

“I like watching the sky,” you put simply, trying not to make eye contact. “Makes me feel better.”

“About dying?” he said, and you knew that he wouldn’t let your previous conversation go. You decided to humor him, if only to get these thoughts out of your mind.

“Yes.”

“Like what?” he almost sounded uninterested, but from his line of questioning you knew he was anything but.

“I don’t want to die,” you admitted, digging your fingernails into the grass by your waist. “I don’t want to watch anyone die. I never wanted to join the military. I felt like I had no choice.”

“We always have a choice,” he leaned his back to see whatever had your attention draw above you.

“Either fight the titans or get eaten alive when they attack the walls?” you snorted. “What a hard decision to make.”

“Why’d you join the Survey Corps?” he asked once again.

“I didn’t want my family’s death to be in vain. I had cousins, aunts and uncles in Shiganshina.”

“What about your death?”

“I hope it’ll mean something,” you breathed, feeling your chest get tight. “I hope this all will mean something.”

Levi looked at you then, a glimmer of something you couldn’t identify in his eyes, “You sound like Erwin when you talk like that.”

You made eye contact, a small smile on your lips, “The Commander’s an amazing man. I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

Levi scoffed, “Take it as you will.”

“What else could I do? I’m trying so hard to make a difference, to make life easier for others so they don’t have to suffer this fate. Isn’t that why we all joined the Survey Corps?” you continued your train of thought. “Maybe we all have a death wish. Fuck, I know I have one. It all just fucking hurts, Captain. I can’t help but think of others all the time, of all the loss and the grief they've gone through, what I’ve been through. At what will keep happening until all the titans are gone for good.”

“Why the sky?” he changed the subject, seemingly bored of your repetitive narrative.

“Because there’s no titans up there,” you joked without humor. “There’s no walls, no boundaries, no rules. It’s never ending. Where are the stars? How does day and night occur? Where does the moon go when the sun’s out? It amazes me, that’s all. Makes me think of how big the world is, of what’s out there besides this.”

“You think too much for a brainless brat,” Levi grumbled, laying on his back and joining you.

“I know,” you chuckled, turning your body to face him. “Wish I could turn off all my thoughts, it would probably make life a whole lot more livable.”

He hummed, eyes drawn in to your face, “I understand. What you said earlier, too, about finding comfort in others.”

“What do you mean?” you propped your head on your hand and you positioned your elbow to support you.

“I guess I never thought about it before tonight,” he blinked, expression unreadable. “Life as a soldier isn’t a comforting one. I guess that’s what I was trying to tell you about.”

You read between the lines of his words, recognizing it as his form of an apology, “I know. But it’s still the life I chose. At least I’m trying to make a difference, we all are.”

“Y’know, I’ve been paying attention to you for some time now. I didn’t understand when Erwin came to me and told me you had asked to be put on my squad. I took a look in your file, and I saw you after the attack on Trost, and I still didn’t understand,” Levi spoke slowly. “I don’t think I get you at all, even now.”

“I don’t think I understand myself,” you laughed dryly, returning your attention to the sky.

“You should get some sleep, cadet,” he advised softly, pushing himself off the ground. “And for fuck’s sake do it soon, I won’t be taking care of your ass if you get a cold.”

Levi stalked off before you could utter a response. You sighed, and decided his words were wise enough to follow. A few moments after your captain had left you, you followed his pathway back to the entrance of the former headquarters. You entered, making a hasty retreat back to your room where Christa was still knocked out cold.

Under your covers, you replayed your conversations with Levi. You still couldn’t figure out why he had questioned you like he had, why he even cared in the first place. Maybe it was his own gnawing curiosity, trying to understand why some random twenty-something year old girl insisted on being in his squad like you had. Maybe, you thought egotistically, you had your own reputation. You inwardly snorted, probably not.

Images of your captain under the moonlight played beneath your eyelids as you finally managed to drift off into a dreamless sleep.

The mission had gone horribly wrong. At least for you, to be honest you had no idea where the rest of your comrades were as you raced on your horse, desperately searching the sky for flares. You hadn’t seen a single one in a while now, at least ten minutes, and your heart was thudding hard as thoughts that the entire fleet of soldiers you had joined had been decimated. You were completely alone, the walls distant behind you. All you knew is that you couldn’t stop, couldn’t turn around or else you’d really be lost.

The 104th had stayed behind at the former headquarters, this having been a smaller expedition to clear out some titans before the planned 57th expedition in a few weeks. Levi, Oluo, Petra, and Gunther, as well as a few other squads accompanying you, were in a near perfect formation when an abnormal titan had broken through, killing a few unnamed soldiers at your side that you had never met before today.

In the far left distance, you could see a large forest full of trees. Your jaw slacked open, relief running through your veins when you caught sight of some men on horses heading that direction. Green flares shot up high in the sky, and you pulled the reins of your mare to follow. Your plan was brought to a screeching halt though, as you heard the thunderous footsteps shake your horse, and your body. You threw a glance behind your shoulder, a ten meter titan running straight towards you. You reached to your side quickly, shooting a red flare above you to warn any close by comrades.

The titan was gaining speed, about a dozen yards now behind you. You really wanted to avoid confrontation was much as possible, but as those yards closed between you and the titan, you growled and prepared yourself. You gave your horse a soft pat on her neck, and heaved yourself to stand on the saddle. You gaged your surroundings, seeing complete flat plains all around you, not an ideal situation for fighting at all.

Your odm gear shot you straight to the titan’s legs, a plan instilled in your head on the best way to take it down. It was fairly thin and muscular, but you decided it was just a plain titan as it dumbly stared at you with its wicked grin. Your dual blades locked in your hands now, you swung behind the titan and sliced through its ankles. The ten meter fell swiftly, giving you the perfect opportunity to land on its nape and kill it. It stilled completely beneath you after your swift cuts, and you ran as fast as your body willed you to rejoin your mare.

You placed your fingers to your lips, whistling as loud as you could. Your horse, at least 100 feet away, perked its ears and turned at a rapid speed straight back to you. She neighed as she reached your form, and you hauled yourself back on her saddle, kicking your legs for her to break into a full gallop to where the green flares still lingered in the air.

You didn’t bother to signal another flare in the air, seeing no other flares around you. As you neared closer to the forest, you felt incredibly relieved at the sight of your squad, now able to make out their faces. Petra waved her hands high in the air, about 20 feet away now. You saw Oluo, Gunther, and Levi, unharmed, as you got closer, bringing your horse down to a slightly slower gait, seeing no titans around.

“Are you okay?” Petra shouted at you once you reached the group. “Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m okay!” you spoke as fast as you could. “The other cadets I was with were killed by an abnormal, I got split up from them.”

“What was that red flare?” Oluo questioned, worry riddled in his eyes.

“It’s fine, I killed it,” you breathed shakily. “Where are the others?”

“Retreating back to the walls,” Levi answered, voice hard and commanding. “We’re out of blades, and there've been too many casualties. The others have the deceased’s bodies.”

You and your squad nodded, and with no further delay, you broke your horses into a full sprint back to the walls. The sun hung low in the sky, sunset merely a few hours away. Now in a formation in the clear open plains, you noticed out of the corner of your eye some movement.

“Abnormal titan to the right!” you screamed, turning your head to watch the titan’s arms flail, running in an irregular pattern.

“Holy fuck,” Gunther’s eyes widened in horror, shooting a black flare into the sky. “That’s got to be a 15 meter!”

“Don’t engage!” Levi barked, eyes trained straight ahead at the walls. “Keep an eye on it!”

“Sir!” the four of you quipped.

It seemed the abnormal titan had other plans as it caught sight of the five of you, its pace changing with intentions.

“It’s heading straight towards us!” Petra called out, flickering her eyes between the running titan and your captain. “Orders, Captain?”

Levi kept silent, much to your horrors. It was only a few yards away now, speed not slowing. Levi’s attention was completely ahead, the walls almost in full view. You were so close, not close enough though and the abnormal titan’s legs moved faster.

“Captain Levi!” Oluo shouted, eyebrows shot into his hairline.

The titan was less than three yards away when Levi finally spoke, “Petra, Oluo, make it fast!”

You shot off your horse before Levi’s lips opened, his commands unheard by you. Your odm ropes attached right into the titan’s ankles, just like how you had done before. There’s a reason they called it an abnormal titan though you discovered as its fingers closed around the wiring of your gear, yanking the ropes out of its skin and hauling your body up.

You squirmed, mashing your buttons desperately to get your hooks out of its fist as you were brought to the titan’s mouth. It was an ugly son of a bitch, teeth on full display in its evil smile. You couldn’t believe how badly you had fucked up again, the titan’s other hand gaining momentum as it lifted to wrap its disgusting meaty fingers around you. You watched as the fingers were sliced off before they could reach you, and suddenly you were free falling as the hand holding your odm ropes fell from its arm. You redirected yourself back to its ankles, back to your original plan of taking out the nerves to allow the titan to fall, your nerves entirely shot, your adrenaline in full control.

Levi had both his swords drawn as he met you at the back of the 15 meter’s legs, “Are you trying to get yourself fucking killed? You should’ve let the others handle it!”

“I thought I had it, Captain!” you curtly shouted, cutting through the tendons and getting sprayed with steaming blood. The titan did not falter though, but thankfully you and Levi had created a useful diversion as Petra, and Oluo took out the titan’s nape. You and your group shot back to your horses as the titan fell from its height, dead on impact.

The opening of the gate of Wall Rose was a fucking blessing, and your squad couldn’t have ran through it any faster. You heard the roaring of the gate as it closed behind you, and you were choking on shallow breaths as you slowed your mare’s gait.

None of you spoke a single word as you returned to the former headquarters, exhausted after the adrenaline of your mission wore off. You returned your horses to the stables, where feed and water awaited them. Your squad practically ran off, and you were confused until you saw the pissed off look of your superior aimed directly at you. Gulping down spit, you turned on your heel, ready to take off.

Levi’s arm shot out around your bicep, harshly tugging you to stop your escape, “Are you a fucking idiot, cadet? What the fuck were you thinking?”

“I thought I could take out the titan by its ankles!” you defended quickly, gritting your teeth as his fingers dug into your clothed arm. “It’s how I took out the other titan I killed, Captain!”

“You better learn quickly that all titans are not the same! Or did you not learn that in training?” Levi growled out between clenched teeth.

“I thought I could take it out,” you grumbled, ripping your arm out of his grip.

“You betrayed my orders. You listen to me and my commands, cadet,” he spat out, his eyebrows furrowed, his eyes burning holes into yours. “Remember your place.”

You pivoted yourself away from your captain, trotting ahead to head inside the headquarters, voice laced with malice as you grumbled, “I’ll do as I see fit.”

This would be the second time Levi hadn’t dismissed you before leaving him behind, you realized as you arrived at the communal bathroom. You sighed heavily, leaning back against the closed door, completely alone. Thankfully, it was very late in the evening, and if your comrades weren’t in bed already, they would be heading to sleep soon. You were so relieved to get some much needed alone time, especially now that you had such a terrible day.

You changed out of your blood soaked uniform, not bothering to fold it as you laid the clothes on the floor. Stark naked, you began to fill the bathtub basin with running water, a very rare luxury due to the previous care when the headquarters was up and running. With the porcelain half filled, the water steaming, you sunk your aching body into the scalding bath. The water turned a deep pink as you scrubbed your skin with a rag that had been resting over the rim. You untied your hair and dipped your head back, threading your fingers through your knots after generously coating the strands with soap. You drained the dirty water, refilling it back up now that most of the dirt and blood had been washed away. The tub held a pastel pink hue now, but you felt much cleaner and you sunk back in the tub, stretching out as much as you could.

You didn’t dare close your eyes for too long, picturing the events of today. You didn’t try to reflect on the lives that had been lost on today’s mission, the strangers you never had the pleasure, or perhaps displeasure, of getting to know. It made it easier in a sense to forget, to keep pushing forward. Still, the gore and the cruelty of what being a part of the scouts was truly about haunted the corners of your mind as you absentmindedly rubbed soap along your limbs. Maybe you were trying to wash away these memories, too.

Half an hour later, you decided it was time to dry off and get into comfortable clothing as the water cooled and your skin had pruned. You unplugged the drain, standing and reaching for a towel. Wrapping the fabric around your chest, you stepped out of the tub, feet leaving wet prints on the floor as you treaded to your bedroom, soiled clothes in hand.

An oversized white long sleeve hung off your frame, accompanied by your favorite cotton shorts as you sat on your bed, completely alone. Christa had briefly mentioned before your mission this morning that she’d be spending the night with Ymir, to which you were inwardly grateful for the promise of solidarity. As you sat hunched over, you found yourself longing for the comforting presence of someone, anyone, to distract you from the images that plagued your mind, no matter how hard you tried to push them away.

You jerked with a start as you pictured the angry face of your captain, feeling immense guilt pool in your gut. You had never spoken so much with Levi before yesterday, realizing the weight of your words and actions, reckless and undermining his authority. Maybe you owed him an apology, for if nothing else to at least calm your mind enough for sleep.

You didn’t remember the walk when you had arrived outside the captain’s door, or could recall if you had knocked before it swung open, revealing Levi’s surprised expression.

“I’m sorry,” you blurted out, nervously tugging at your sleeves as you avoided eye contact. “I’ve been disrespectful, Captain, and I’m sorry.”

“Cadet,” his teeth clenched tightly. “Do you understand what time it is?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” you whimpered, legs ready for a moment's notice of a retreat. “I’m sorry, I’ll leave—“

Levi’s hand shot out to circle your wrist, and you finally looked up into his charcoal eyes, “Don’t, come in.”

You couldn’t protest as you guided you into his room, shutting the door behind you after you passed the entry. Levi was dressed casually, beige cotton shirt hanging off his torso, plain grey pants on his lower half. The bags under his eyes told you he had also not been able to fall asleep. He led you to sit on his neatly made bed, towering over you with his arms tightly crossed.

“I was on my way to check on you.”

You furrowed your eyebrows, “What?”

“You didn’t knock,” Levi clarified, looking anywhere but at you. “I was already at the door. You’d seen a lot today. I don’t need my soldiers having breakdowns after every mission.”

He was worried about you, your breath halted in your throat.

“Oh,” you dumbly said.

“Seems like you did me a favor by coming here,” he mused, sighing as he ran a hand through his bangs. “Why can’t you sleep?”

“Thinking, again, about everything,” you crossed your thighs, body language signally how uncomfortable you were upon talking about these feelings.

“Your brain is going to cause you more grief if you don’t stop,” Levi’s spare hand grasped your chin gently, bringing your head up so you could look him in the eyes. “Why do you insist on being alone with these thoughts?”

“Captain, weren’t you just saying it’s a bad idea to have friends?” you could feel the pounding of your heart in your chest at his gesture, unsure of his intentions.

“Weren't you just talking about finding comfort in others?” Levi leaned down, you felt his breath against your lips as he spoke. “I’ve been paying attention to you for awhile, cadet.”

“You looked in my file, you told me already,” you whispered, unsure that if you spoke at full volume your voice wouldn’t quiver.

“No, I’ve been watching you. You’re not exactly quiet when you sneak out at night, y’know. I’ve seen you,” he hesitated briefly before continuing. “I’ve watched you cry all alone, how you try to distance yourself from the others. I was testing you yesterday, brat. I think I understand now, though.”

Your captain crouched down to meet you at eye level, fingertips never straying from your chin, and you felt your lip quiver as he rasped, “I understand, because I get it. You’ve always felt alone, haven't you?”

You nodded, scared to voice the truth, he continued, “I’m not going to explain myself to you, and if I hear a single word spoken about any of our conversations, I will personally sign your extermination paperwork. You’re different, you’re not like the others. You know what grief is, what pain and loss feels like. Your mission, your goals, it keeps driving you forward. Who couldn’t notice that?”

Levi scoffed, and you managed out a tiny, “Captain Levi.”

“Yes?”

“Why are you telling me this?” you could feel the harsh prick of tears try to escape your eyes, blinking furiously to not allow them to fall.

“Because,” he brushed back your hair behind your ear with his spare hand. “We’re exactly the same, and I can’t allow you to continue living like this, knowing where you’ll end up. Are you a virgin, cadet?”

“Yes,” you stuttered, thoroughly embarrassed.

“I am too,” Levi confessed, his eyes baring his soul. “I’m in my thirties, and I’ve never taken a woman to bed. All because of my mission.”

“My parents raised me to save myself for marriage,” your lips hung open. “But, they’re dead now, and I’ll probably never be married.”

“Cadet?” Levi’s hand came up from your chin to rest his palm against your cheek. “You talk about choices, you told me about how you never followed the path set for you. Why don’t you allow yourself some peace, some comfort? If not for yourself, for others, for your fellow comrades?”

“Are you asking to fuck me, sir?” your body felt heavy, uncomfortably numb but you couldn’t will yourself to move an inch, your mind was frazzled.

“I’m asking for permission to comfort you, both of us. I’m tired of being alone, aren’t you?” his face had fallen completely, and you were in awe of how open and raw Levi was.

You didn’t answer him, instead pushing his hands off of your face to capture his cheeks in your own hands, forcing your lips together. Fuck the world, fuck the titans, fuck every single thing that dared to bother you and your existence. You were tired, tired of denying yourself pleasures and comfort and basic human interaction. Who cared if you all died? Would it be for naught that you had never gotten to know your comrades? What would be the point in dying for your military if you didn’t have a motivation, a passion driving you? You were so fucking lonely, and Levi was too as he crashed his lips against yours, wrapping his long arms around your back to hold you closer.

You felt the older ravenette pull away for a moment, tugging his shirt over his head to reveal his scarred and muscular chest. You ran your fingers over his middle slowly, taking in every dip and every flex of his body. Levi was beautiful, and you felt honored that you were here in this moment, with a man who had heard more of your thoughts and feelings than any person before. He stopped your hands as they came to his pecks, pushing your arms high to remove your own shirt.

Your nipples hardened meeting the cold air, exposed now in the dim candle light. You didn’t dare cover yourself, nor did Levi let you get the chance. His hands were all over your chest within an instant, caressing and groping as his lips met yours once again. You hadn’t bothered to tell Levi that he was your first kiss, the first man to see you naked, the first man who had shown genuine interest in you and your body. Maybe you’d tell him later, but for now, you just wanted to quell the thoughts swarming your mind.

You stood quickly, maneuvering your lips to the side of his exposed neck. Your kisses were sweet, innocent and pure as Levi began to pull your shorts off, your panties accompanying the fabric. You kicked out of them as Levi grabbed the back of your head, groaning as he slammed your mouths together once more in an open kiss.

Your hands were everywhere on his skin, trying desperately to remember every single detail, knowing that this would most likely be a one time thing. You knew the risks of becoming entangled in a romantic relationship in the military, more so the scouts. Levi or you, or anyone, could die at any moment. This only motivated you further in your desire, ripping down his pants, mildly surprised to see your captain not wearing any underpants.

Levi breathily mumbled as he grasped your waist and led you flat on your back atop his bed, “I thought you were dead today.”

“I’m not, and neither are you,” you hushed his spoken thoughts with another passionate kiss. He tasted minty from his tea, smelled of woodsy musk from his obvious earlier shower, his touch so soft as he grazed your body up and down.

You felt his knees between your legs as he loomed over you, pushing apart your thighs at the force. His right hand stroked your cheek as his tongue prodded past your willing lips, swollen from his attention. His left hand ventured south, resting upon the curve of your hip, digging his fingers to feel the supple flesh.

“You’re quite beautiful, y’know,” he mirrored your earlier ministrations, placing sloppy kisses down your jaw and neck. “One of the reasons I was so fascinated by you, I couldn’t understand how you weren’t married.”

“Maybe in another life,” you simply put, attention drawn to how sinful his lips felt against your flushed skin. He sucked on a particularly sensitive spot, and a whimper left your lips at the contact. You could feel your center slicken, cold air consuming all of your exposed skin. Levi’s hand dared closer and closer to your desire, and you made out the distinguished poke of his manhood against your lower stomach.

When his fingertips nudged against your folds, Levi let out a groan of pleasure, “You’re so wet, cadet. I’ve barely touched you.”

“Captain, I need this,” you begged, your hands wrapping around his neck to pull him flush against you. “Please, distract me, make me forget.”

Levi felt no need to answer your pleads, instead allowing his fingers to familiarize himself with your most intimate of parts. His eyes stayed trained on yours, taking in every expression you made, one catching his focus immediately as his pointer finger circled the top of your folds. It felt like a button, and you started moaning desperately as he continued his circling.

“Feels good?” your captain asked, insecurity in the back of his mind.

“Yes,” you took your right hand away from Levi’s neck, grabbing his wrist that was in between your legs, dipping his fingers to your dripping entrance. “Need you here.”

He plunged his pointer and middle fingers in, and your velveteen walls clenched around him. You had pleasured yourself many times just like this, but the heightened pleasure of someone else’s knuckles deep inside you was incredible. No one had ever touched you like this before, looked at you so lovingly and so lustfully. His fingers scissored inside you, and you knew your patience would soon snap.

When Levi’s fingers curled upwards, you thought you were going to pass out. Your eyes screwed shut as loud mewls left your lips, Levi’s free hand covering your mouth. Your hips bucked upwards in his touch, hips rolling fast as your clit caught the fat of his palm. You could feel the familiar bubble of your climax, threatening to spill over as you arched your back.

Levi pulled his fingers from your weeping cunt then, so agonizingly slowly, “No, cadet. Not yet.”

You whined, pressure settling down in your abdomen as Levi took his soaking hand to his hard cock. You couldn’t believe that you hadn’t paid attention to his girth before, he was gorgeous. All the hard work and all the violence had sculpted your captain as if he were a statue. His length stood at full attention, pressed against his belly, his balls hanging in the free space between his thick thighs. You moaned at the sight of Levi stroking himself, seeing the glisten of your arousal coat him. He let out a strangled groan, before letting himself go, falling unceremoniously to capture your lips once again.

“You ready?” Levi asked permission, his kiss so sweet and tender, and you realized then the weight of all of this. You were about to lose your virginities to each other, he would forever hold a mark on you.

You smiled, so full of adoration, there wasn’t anyone else you’d rather be with right now as you spoke, “Yes, sir.”

Levi gripped the base of his dick, bumping the engorged head against your sensitive clit and through your folds as he coated himself more in your essence. You both knew this was going to hurt you, and had either of you not been in such a hurry, you’d take the time to mutually pleasure each other until your bodies were truly ready for this intimate act. There were no coherent thoughts in this moment, only pure passion and animalistic desire.

His tip sunk in, and you felt like you were going to be split in half. Your hands shot up to his arms, nails leaving half crescents on his biceps, your ankles hooking together on his ass as you tensed up at the pain.

“Relax,” he kissed your jaw with a groan. “Gonna’ take care of you.”

You nodded, focusing on his words instead of the pain. Your pelvic floor relaxed, and Levi was able to push himself deeper into your cavern.

“There’s no blood?” Levi questioned you curiously as he glanced down to where your bodies met, not moving even a centimeter to allow you to adjust.

The pain was quickly fading as you mumbled, “Probably broke my hymen on a goddamn horse.”

You both let out a breathy laugh, and Levi’s right hand came to stroke your cheek, pushing back your hair out of your face, “I’ll have to kill that horse then.”

You were rattling your brain for a witty response to your captain when Levi shifted, stroking his length backwards as your walls fluttered around him. Your face was no longer scrunched in pain, your eyebrows unfurrowed and your mouth hung open, feeling nothing but pleasure as his left hand shot to your pulsing pussy, thumbing your clit with the lightest of touches.

“Captain,” you stuttered, eyes rolling to the back of your head. “Feels good.”

“Yeah,” he pushed his forehead to yours, his own eyes closing as he pushed his cock back into your depths, so slowly.

You placed a gentle kiss to his lips for a brief moment, neck craning off the pillow under your head. You felt a cramp as he kissed you back, so gently and so softly. You moved your mouth to his jaw, peppering kisses along any exposed skin you reach.

His right hand stayed positioned to your face, his grey colored orbs opened, focusing on your face. You looked up then, and felt your heart hammering in your chest. Levi was so handsome, his eyebrows furrowed, eyes softened without the weight of reality crashing down on him.

“I’m glad it’s you,” your arms were still wrapped around his neck as you rubbed soft circles along the ridge of his undercut. His hips held such a passionate, steady rhythm as he continued plunging into you.

Levi didn’t respond, his hand angling your face to his again. Although unspoken, you could see in his face that he appreciated your words, his thrusts faster in pace now. You couldn’t stop the moans from exiting your throat, volume increasing as his thumb worked you with more pressure. He swallowed your noises with his lips, not even kissing, the two of you just breathing into one another’s mouth.

Suddenly the distance wasn’t close enough, Levi’s hand left the curve of your cheek to wrap his arm around the middle of your back, forcing your body completely against his sweating one. His lips began to work against yours, sloppy and messy as you kissed the man back with the same fever.

Levi’s pace was solid, deep and without error. Your hips tried desperately to meet his thrusts, his wrist in between your centers blocking you from doing so. Your captain didn’t even so much as warn you to stop, his thumb rolling faster against your now swollen clit, that same heat in your stomach rebuilding rapidly. The two of you were so lost in each other, your arms leaving his neck to wrap around his shoulders and forcing his head down to your neck where he lapped and peppered kisses to conceal his own moans. You did the same, lips attached to the curve where his muscular shoulder met his neck.

His touch was unrelenting, but you felt the unmistakable shutter as he plunged right to your cervix, goosebumps rising on his skin under your fingertips. You let out a muffled moan, your nails clawing at his back, your legs somehow tighter around his backside.

Levi’s thumb rubbed harder, so much faster now than his thrusts. Your pussy was fluttering rapidly now, clenching and unclenching around his girth, you were so close. You had a feeling your captain was as well, his pace increasing even faster.

“I’m cumming,” you pulled away from his shoulder to warn Levi, sucking the sensitive area of his neck.

Levi moaned in pleasure, bucking his hips hard into you, and this was what sent you over the edge. Levi couldn’t move even if he wanted to as your cunt gripped him so tightly, contracting so hard around his length. You could hear a string of curses and ‘ah’s from his lips as your hips bucked wildly into his hand, rubbing your clit along his stilled thumb. You’d had plenty of self given orgasms before, but feeling completely filled as your walls fluttered around something was a pleasure you knew you’d be seeking again.

Your teeth were sunk into his neck, and Levi was finally able to continue his strokes as your orgasm slowed, your body limping. His thumb started once more, and you were whimpering at the overstimulation, your contractions not even done. He was pounding into you now, growling into your neck, you could feel the sharp clench of his jaw dig into your shoulder. It didn’t take you more than a minute to build up another orgasm, and as the new waves of pleasure slammed into you, Levi was pulling out.

You came around nothing as Levi rutted into your stomach, feeling the smear of hot cum rub against your middles. He was bucking desperately, moaning and whimpering. The sounds he made paired with the nonstop movement of his thumb only heightened your pleasure, your left hand coming to caress the back of his head.

He removed his touch from you, taking his dripping hand to your waist as his thrusts against your stomach slowed. It crawled under your back to meet his other arm, and he placed sensual, slow kisses to your neck. You did the same, thanking him non verbally. His head lifted, eyes half lidded as he placed his lips to yours, locking them in a saccharine embrace. He pulled away after a few moments, sliding off of your sticky body and out of the bed. Your arms fell to your sides, and he slipped his pants on, avoiding the area of his lower stomach where his cum was drying quickly. He rushed to his dresser, pulling out a handkerchief and wiping himself down quickly, returning back to your body to clean your middle as well.

“You’ll probably need to shower,” Levi broke the silence as he pulled the rag away, his empty hand roaming the curve of your side.

“Probably,” you mumbled in bliss, enjoying his light touch. “I’ll get up in just a minute.”

“You could stay,” Levi offered awkwardly, halting his movements.

“It’s okay, I think I want to be alone,” you smiled, your brain foggy. “Also don’t need rumors to start up if anyone sees me leaving your room in the morning.”

Levi only hummed as you pulled your naked body to a full stand, reaching for your discarded clothes. You pulled your long sleeve over your head first, the edges brushing against the tops of your thighs, stepping into your panties and shorts quickly. The silence was almost overwhelming, neither of you sure of what exactly to say.

“Captain Levi,” you finally spoke, ready to depart. “Thank you.”

He grabbed your wrist, pulling your body to his with no real force, kissing you passionately. You kissed him back hungrily, and had you been more experienced, you would’ve felt the flicker of sparks deep within your stomach, a signal of unconscious feelings sprouting within you.

You pulled away from him, a smile playing at your lips as he spoke raspily, “You know where to go if you don’t want to be alone.”

You threaded your fingers through his open palm, bringing his knuckles to your lips as you placed a soft peck to the back of his hand, “I will, Captain. Goodnight.”

The heat of the sun beat harshly on your back, your body in a full ache as you dodged a punch from Eren. You went to lift your leg into a kick, a yelp leaving your lips at the feeling that you were going to rip in half, and quickly shifted your hips to plan a new attack. Thankfully, your fake out worked, seeing Eren prepare himself for your leg, not for your first to go flying into his gut.

With a loud groan of pain, Eren laid flat on his back in the dirt. Your chests heaved, sweat dripping down your skin, and you extended your palm to the younger boy. You had won this spar, and Eren huffed as he smacked his hand away playfully.

“I had you last time! I can’t believe I lost again!” he complained, eyebrows furrowed as he screwed his eyes shut in a fit.

You laughed then, crossing your arms over your chest, “You got lucky, Jaeger.”

Around the two of you, all the cadets were still in their own sparring matches. Even in your weary state, you had been the first match finished, and you feel a swell of pride. You were getting stronger, more fit to survive the harsh reality of this world.

“Cadets,” Captain Levi made himself known then, stepping forward from the row of squad leaders, unbeknownst to you and Eren he had been watching with a trained eye the entire fight.

“Captain!” you saluted, Eren lazily following along silently.

Levi’s eyes lingered over you for a minute, before shifting his attention to Eren before scoffing, “Pathetic, Jaeger. You need to work on your form.”

You tried desperately to hide a smirk, eyes lit up in amusement as Eren frowned deeply, sighing, trying not to lash out on your superior. Levi continued, “Cadet, good job.”

“Thank you, Captain,” you smiled brightly, now trying to conceal the oncoming heat of your blush flaming up your neck, licking the tips of your ears.

“However, never let your guard down after you think you’ve won.”

The sound of your skull cracking into the ground beneath you sent your vision in a dizzy frenzy. Levi hovered over you, and you could make out the lingering feeling of his boot hitting your stomach, causing you to lay flat on your back. The sun was high in the sky today, not a single cloud in view or whisk of wind felt.

“Ow,” you heaved, bringing yourself into a seated position, hunched over. “What was that for?”

“You can’t always predict what a titan’s next move is going to be,” Levi cooly explained, crouching down to meet your eye level. “This is how you fucked up, both times, with an abnormal. You have to pay attention. You can’t let yourself get caught up in a victory. Understood, brat?”

You nodded, feeling your ears grow hot as multiple sets of eyes watched on in curiosity, “Yes, sir.”

“I’ll see you in my office after dinner for your punishment,” his eyes twinkled, a hint of a smirk on the corner of his lips. “Cockiness is not befitting for a brat like you.”

You groaned, biting your tongue to hold back words you knew would come across as disrespectful. You didn’t see what you did to deserve a punishment, but you huffed as Levi strolled away, yelling at Eren about something. Probably about his smirk when he watched you fall on your ass.

Turns out your punishment was anything but, instead a much rougher fucking left your body nearly in shambles. This became a routine, instead of traveling outside to stare at the stars and lose yourself in your thoughts, Levi’s body became your comfort, your relief. He felt the same, pouring his loneliness into your willing body as he claimed you night after night, week after week.

He’d tell you sometimes in the afterglow of your orgasms that this was strengthening the squad, this was for the betterment of the scouts. Because what better way was there to build trust? You’d listen half heartedly, knowing this was all an excuse to rationalize why you continued seeking each other’s comfort.

Levi was soon fiercely protective of you, and you unconsciously him. This was reinforced after the 57th expedition failed horribly, the faces of your deceased squad members haunting your dreams every night. Levi would hold you as you sobbed through the nightmares. It hurt, so fucking much. Levi would whisper to you that you just had to keep moving forward. You would nod your head and listen. Your captain knew best, and you were finding it harder every passing day to pretend that he didn’t.

You didn’t try to make sense of your relationship, just letting it exist. Some days you’d push him away, others you’d pull the ravenette closer to your body. Caught between wanting to leave the man you’d realized you’d fallen in love with, or go into hiding away from the military with Levi and marry the son of a bitch. You liked to think he felt the same, his words few, but his acts spoke volumes of his feelings.

And when you laid limp on the battlefield, titan corpses steaming around you, your breaths shallow as your tired body began to prepare to shut down, you smiled. Everything all at once came flooding to you as you stared up at the sky, completely alone.

You blinked at the clouds, painted so pretty in pinks and oranges at the setting sun. You could hear your name being screamed somewhere in the distance, the voice vaguely familiar. You felt relief wash over you as the large open wound on your stomach gushed an unbelievable amount of blood. Full of shock, your adrenaline keeping your pain at bay, you thought humorously that you had no idea you had that much blood running through your body.

Raven hair and charcoal eyes entered your hazy vision, and you kept that smile on your face. Your fingers reached up, reaching Levi’s soaking cheek, not being able to tell if it was because of blood, or tears. You smoothed your thumb under his eye, and you were being lifted. You couldn’t hear his words, only the dullness of sound as the world continued to slow around you.

You stared at the clouds, completely at peace. You had conquered your biggest fear, growing close to another, just to lose them. Images of Levi flashes before your eyes, his stoic expression, his commanding leadership, his sensual caresses, his passionate kisses as he poured all of his feelings out for you. You loved him, you realized. You were so happy that you got to experience this in this lifetime.

The colors of the sky blurred together, and you could feel the wind whisk around you as Levi shot off on his odm gear. You were finally flying in the clouds.

#tw: blood #tw: death #tw: talk of death #tw: dying #tw: violence #tw: angst #levi x reader #levi ackerman x reader #levi x y/n #levi smut #levi ackerman smut #aot fanfiction #snk fanfiction #levi fanfiction #levi #levi ackerman #tw: dark themes

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literaila · 4 years ago

Text

this vast empty space

spencer reid x reader

request: I’ve had this idea floating in my head after watching some One Tree Hill and Criminal Minds one day👀 what if the reader and Spencer have a child together but things are getting a little rocky with reader and Spence and they’re arguing so Spencer spends a lot of time at JJ’s with his child and JJ’s kids and one day the reader doesn’t let her child do something so they get mad and say they wish JJ was their mom🥺 but somehow a fluffy ending? Idk🗿

warnings: angsty. panic attacks. me. its super duper long...um...depression symptoms...fighting....thats all.............enjoy!

“You’re taking her over to JJ’s?”

There was this distance.

There was an impenetrable wall. It was standing between the two of them, blocking their eyes, blocking their bodies from ever touching, from ever looking at one another.

There was this wall.

It was stuck between them, stuck standing there keeping them from each other, stuck living next to them, living with them, breathing in their space.

This distance, this wall, this irritable thing standing between the two of them forcing them apart, forcing an uncomfortable feeling over their house, over their relationship, over their family.

It was unavoidable.

It was impossible to remove.

“Yeah,” Spencer said, not making eye contact, not even saying the words in her direction, just tying their daughter's shoes, too focused on her to even spare a glance at Y/N. “I thought a playdate with Henry would be fun.”

She watched small hands wrap around his neck, watched him gently pick up their daughter, still avoiding looking at her. She watched her daughter whisper in his ear, watched him smile at her. She watched her daughter's eyes light up at him.

She watched and she felt like she was far far away from them.

“When will you guys be back?” Y/N asked quietly, standing, vulnerable, in their doorway, standing just watching the two people she loved the most get ready to leave, getting ready to leave without her.

Playing with her sweater, moving it over her hands as to hide herself, as to feel smaller, she stared at the floor waiting for them to walk out.

There was this feeling, a feeling that rested around her body like a blanket, a feeling that made her feel like she wasn't supposed to be there, made her feel like she was just a spare piece, that they didn't need her.

She didn't want them to walk out the door.

“We’ll probably stay the night,” Spencer said, still not looking at her, he hadn't been looking at her recently, his voice was a void of numbness, his tone nonchalant, never caring. “I don't want her to stay up too late.”

Y/N looked up and stared at his back, she stared at her daughter who was smiling at him, she felt a small grin on her face. She felt her mood lift just a little bit, felt the blanket fall just a couple of inches off her shoulder. She was lucky that her daughter couldn't feel the space between them, she was lucky her daughter hadn't caught on yet.

She was lucky she had a happy little girl.

Y/N made a small grunt of acknowledgement, made a quiet noise that she hoped wasn't showing her displeasure in the situation, she kept her mouth shut so they wouldn't yell at each other again. She sighed gently, already exhausted, and walked over to the pair. She walked over and got closer to Spencer than she had been in days, she could feel his body heat reflecting off of hers.

She felt so uncomfortable. She felt so out of place in her own home.

She smiled at her daughter, smiled at the crinkles around her eyes, and the dream-like gaze she had in her eyes, and ran a gentle hand over her face, moving the curly brown hair out of Fayre’s eyes. She poked her cheek, searching for the dimples she knew would show up.

“I’ll miss you, Fay. Be back tomorrow?” She asked, repeating the words her daughter had said to her multiple times, repeating the words that always seemed to comfort Fayre. Y/N hoped they would comfort her.

“Be back tomorrow, Momma.”

Y/n gave her another smile, hoping the sadness she felt wasn't showing in her eyes. She kissed Fayre’s head gently.

“Okay.” She said moving away from the two of them, trying to not let her chest fall at the thought of them leaving for the night. She looked over at Spencer, who was staring at the floor still avoiding her eyes, and she felt her smile fade from her face. “Bye Spence. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

Spencer nodded. He walked over to the door and grabbed his bag. With Fayre on his shoulder he opened the door, Y/N watched Fayre wave happily at her, calling “Bye Momma!” as Spencer walked away.

She watched Spencer not even glance back at her.

Y/N watched them leave.

***

Weeks was a brief way to put it.

The distance between Y/N and Spencer.

Y/N wasn't sure when she had decided to start picking fights, to start bickering with him every moment they were together, to bicker with him until they were openly fighting with each other.

She wasn't sure when that had started.

She can remember the fight that it had all begun with.

She can remember telling Spencer she was thinking about resigning from the BAU.

She can remember how surprised she was when he got mad.

She couldn't remember anything after that.

But there was a tension, a distinct tension between the two, that had put them both into defensive mode. The tension had made them disagree with anything the other said, and the few times they had been able to talk out their problems, those couple of times, the tension was always there the next day.

The tension eventually turned into distance.

And then Spencer was leaving the house for longer, he was spending more time in his office, he was sleeping at JJ’s.

He had started sleeping at JJ’s. He couldn't stand to stay with her, to sleep in the same room with her, so he went to his best friend. So he left.

Y/N usually stayed home with Fayre, usually spent their time off taking care of her daughter.

It seemed like they couldn't even be in the same room for ten minutes without fighting. They couldn't even have a conversation about the doctor's appointment Fayre had next week without arguing about something completely useless.

Y/N hated it.

She hated it so much. She hated that she never got the opportunity to talk to her husband. She hated that they hadn't spent time as a family, all together, in the past couple of months the fighting had been going on. She hated that when they were working when they were helping each other on a cause, she hated the distance that rested between them.

She hated not talking to him.

She hated not seeing him smile.

She missed cuddling with him.

She missed absolutely everything about him.

But she didn't know what to do.

Should she talk to him? Apologize? Explain to him how she felt? Would that do any good, or would it just cause another fight between the two of them, another layer in the wall they were constructing?

She didn't know what to do.

She wasn't sure if there was anything left for the two of them. Wasn't sure if there was anything she could say without it ending in a fight.

Spencer was sleeping at JJ’s.

So she spent time with her daughter. She basked in the love that her daughter offered her free of charge. She spent her days coloring with her, making cupcakes, and taking her to the park. She spent her days playing with old toys, watching Disney movies, and talking to Fayre about anything that was going on in her 3-year-old mind. She loved every second she got to spend happily with her little girl.

But when Spencer wanted to see her, when Spencer wanted to be the good Dad that he always had been, when Spencer wanted to spend him with their daughter and still had to actively avoid Y/N while doing it… Those days Y/N spent alone.

She spent those days alone cleaning their house, cleaning her daughter's room and Spencer’s office, doing laundry, and reorganizing anything she could, she spent those days going to buy more groceries and catching up on things that she had meant to do months ago. She spent those days in her house, surrounded by things that just reminded her of how much she loved her family, surrounded by things that just filled her with doubt and hopelessness.

She spent those days alone.

She pretended that everything was the same as it was months ago, that she and Spencer still felt desperately in love every waking moment, that their small family was as content as could be, she pretended that she didn't feel the numbness in her chest when she wasn't doing something, she pretended that it was all the same.

And she was happy.

She pretended for her daughter, she didn't want her daughter to grow up in a home where everyone was sad, she didn't want her daughter to learn that being happy isn't normal for most people. She pretended for Spencer too, because she knew, she had always known, that even when they were fighting, even with the distance between them keeping them so so far away, she knew that if she said a word, if she voiced her doubts, Spencer would be there in a flash.

He would hold her and reassure her that everything was okay, he would tell her that he loved her.

And she wasn't so sure that was true.

She wasn't sure if Spencer still felt tied to her. If he still felt his heartburn with the adoration he had for her. She wasn't even sure if Spencer still wanted to try and change.

But he was a good person, and he was an amazing husband, and there was nothing he wouldn't do for his family. Including lie.

So she didn't say a word.

She just pretended. Just pretended everything was fine.

Everything was just fine.

***

It had been days.

Days since she’d seen Spencer, days since they’d both been in the same room, days since she had yelled at him, had yelled harsher and angrier than she ever thought she could be. Days since she’d talked to him.

JJ was their saving grace.

JJ texted Y/N, and came to pick up Fayre so Spencer could see her, JJ spent time with her husband and her daughter, JJ spent every day with Spencer and didn't tell Y/N anything about him, only gave her a small pitiful smile every time she saw her, JJ who had Spencer sleeping over at her house.

Y/N didn't know how to feel.

Sometimes she worried she didn't feel anything.

She could only hear the yelling in her head, could only remember how sore her throat had been the next day, could only remember the fury in Spencer's eyes, could only remember the way he slammed the door, could only remember the words she’d said to him.

“She’s my daughter!”

Spencer sighed and moved past her to their dresser, he was packing more clothes, more clothes so he could leave again, so he could leave and go back to JJ’s. He still wouldn't look at her.

“Spencer. She's my daughter and I don't want her gone every other night!”

Y/N wasn't sure when she had started yelling, wasn't sure when she had gotten so angry. She only knew that there was a knife digging into her chest, a knife that was digging under her skin, a knife that was begging her to fight back, a knife that was fueling her rage, she was angry, she was so so angry.

And Spencer didn't seem to care. He didn't seem to say anything to her, he only let her yell at him while he walked around the room getting all the things he thought he would need. He wouldn't look at her, and he wouldn't pay her words any mind, and it was infuriating.

The knife only dug deeper with every ignored statement Y/N made.

“Spencer, are you even going to look at me? Do you even care?”

And with that Spencer turned around, he turned around quickly, his entire body tense and stiff.

Y/N felt her breath catch at the look on his face.

He was angry. She could see that clearly in his eyes, his face looked about to break, looked ready to throw everything he had at her, the anger that looked infused into his eyes scared her, the tension in his jaw made her back away from him.

She’d never seen him angry like that.

“Of course I care Y/N! I can't look at you because I can't bear to see the person that thought we weren't good enough- you thought I wasn't good enough! I don't want to look at you!”

The knife retracted at his words, pulled out of her, scared by the reaction, a reaction she had never expected. The knife- the anger -wasn't prepared for him to be mad at her, it wasn't prepared for him to get angry, to actually react to the words she’d been saying.

Y/N was counting on the fact that he had been ignoring her.

She took a minute to think, to take in his words, to think about everything he had said, everything that he hadn't said in the weeks they’d been distant, the knife retracted, and she thought.

She thought she thought

And then the knife plunged back into her.

Deeper.

“She's my fucking daughter Spencer! I’m sorry that I’m her mom and you don't want to deal with me but nothing can change that now! You should at least have the decency to talk to me about her!” She spat the words at him, flung them like weapons, like acid that was going to burn his skin, to burn him to nothing.

She didn't care, she didn't care about his reaction, she didn't care if he was mad at her, she didn't care what he thought, she didn't care that they were fighting, all she cared about was making him see, making him feel the way she’d felt for months.

Like everything was her fault.

“You can leave me all you want Spencer!” she screamed at him, her face red, her hands shaking, her entire body rocking with the force of her emotions, the knife digging, she screamed at him angrily, desperately “You can leave if you don't want to be here! But Fayre will not leave, this is her home. She wants to be here!”

And Spencer stared at her shocked, stared at her as he had never seen her before, had never ever met her, he just looked at her like she was someone he couldn't recognize.

Y/N didn't know what he was thinking, didn't know if his shocked face was because of her words, or because of the yelling she had always tried to keep in. She stared at him, she stared at him and suddenly felt like she was crazy like she shouldn't have even been there, she stared at him and she could feel herself shrink in size. She could feel the knife disappear, and be replaced with an empty hole that filled her.

Spencer suddenly walked out of the room.

Y/N took a moment, took a moment to process what had happened, took a moment to recognize the hole that was now in her body, she moved her hands to her chest as to feel for it, as to make sure it wasn't actually there.

She couldn't feel anything.

After that moment she stormed for the door, stormed to go find Spencer, stormed because she wasn't ready for him to give up, to just leave once again.

She stormed out of their room and she was met with a door about to close, a tiny hand she could see through the crack.

She stared as the door slammed, more harsh and more final than any words she had screamed.

She stared and watched her daughter leave with her husband.

She felt her heart rush, and her head filled with air and,

There was a hole in her chest and she was trying to grab it, trying to find it trying to trying to,

There was nothing there but the empty house she was stuck in.

JJ had brought her back the next day. Had given her that sad smile, and then left.

Y/N wondered why her husband wasn't back.

She wondered why he wasn't coming back.

She wondered if he would ever come back.

So did Fayre. Every day it was the same question “Where's Daddy?” which was answered with a blank “I don't know little love. I’m sure he’ll be home soon.” and then “Be back tomorrow Momma?” which was asked after a couple of days. And the same answer was always “I don't know Fayre.”

Because Y/N had no clue. She had no idea what her husband was doing, no idea when he was coming back, no idea when he wanted to see their daughter, no idea what to do.

She caught glances of him at work. The team had been under strict orders for only in state cases, enforced by Strauss, and so there was nowhere else she could see him. But there were moments. There were moments when he was there, but Hotch had told her he had requested to finish his work at him, had requested to stay out of the office for a while, and Hotch had agreed. He’d even looked shocked when Y/N asked if he knew where Spencer was.

Because she was supposed to know.

But she didn't.

There were moments where she saw him come into the office, small moments where she only got glimpses of his hair, of one of his vests. Little moments that reassured her that he was still there, that he hadn't left completely.

She prepared herself for the news that he had resigned, news that there was somewhere else Spencer was going, prepared herself so much. She had told him to go, told him to leave her, why wouldn't he?

She prepared herself for the inevitable news she had set herself up for.

But it hasn't come yet.

Instead, she had gotten news of a party, one that Rossi was throwing, a celebration for whatever reason he had proclaimed. She’d gotten the news, and she’d been told that she had to go, that there was no backing out.

And she’d agreed.

Besides, it would be good for her to get out of the house, to go somewhere with her friends where she wasn't constantly looking up from her desk for something.

She’d been told to take Fayre, told that Jack and Henry and Micheal would all be there, that her little girl should go have fun with them.

She’d agreed.

But she knew that taking Fayre would mean passing her off, would mean giving her to Spencer so that they could spend more time together.

She’d been in a mood all morning because of it.

It had started with breakfast, which she had burned while helping Fayre get dressed, and then it was the loud TV playing while she wasn't trying to finish up some paperwork, and then it was the headache that was burning her eyes, and then it was packing up Fayre’s things.

She felt so overwhelmed, felt so nervous to see Spencer for the first time, felt so sad that she was going to have to go home without her daughter.

She felt like she was doing everything wrong, felt like she couldn't even keep her family together, couldn't even keep her daughter happy for one day without Spencer.

She felt like she shouldn’t have to do any of it without Spencer, felt so angry that he was forcing her to pass their daughter off like she was a present.

She felt so so overwhelmed.

But she had to keep a smile on her face, she had to let her husband be a good Dad, she had to let her daughter spend time with her favorite person in the world, and she had to be happy while she did it. Her daughter deserved a happy Mother. She deserved everything.

She didn't deserve what was happening to her parents.

When it was finally time to leave Y/N could feel the nerves bunch up from her feet to the tip of her head, she felt them collect together like a bunch of bugs crawling up her skin, and she felt like she was going to puke.

She could see Spencer. She could. It was the first time in days, the first time she would ever have to directly talk to him. But she could do it. She could she could.

She wasn't sure.

She helped Fayre pack the last of her clothes, grabbed the couple of things she hadn't put in her bag earlier when she heard crying come from the other room.

Immediately she prepared herself for the worst, she felt desperate to get it to stop.

She walked into their living room and saw her daughter sitting on the floor trying to put her shoes on. Tears were running down Fayre’s face as she messed with the laces, as she tried to remember what her Dad had done for her so many times. She looked up at her Mom and whined.

Y/N went over to her, sad to see her crying on the floor, sad to see her crying over something that she could’ve just asked for help for.

“Daddy always do it. I don't how to.” Fayre said angry, her words coming out rushed, skipping over the words she had not yet learned how to say. She was pulling at the strings harder, and Y/N tried to move her hands away from the laces so she couldn't hurt herself.

That was when she started yelling.

“No! No!” she said as she hit Y/N’s hands away, as she pushed her away.

“Fayre. It's okay, just help me, help sweetheart.”

“No! Daddy always do it! Daddy do it! Not Momma!” she was opening yelling, the tears streaming down her red face as she threw her hands up, not sure how to express her emotions.

“Let Momma do it once, it's okay sweetie we can do it.”

Y/N could feel herself getting more frustrated, could feel the nerves still collecting in her body, she didn't know what to do, and she didn't feel like she could deal with a breakdown from her daughter right now.

Not when she was inches away from having one herself.

She tried to take a deep breath, tried to calm herself down, and remind herself that Fayre was only three, that she was confused, and she missed her dad, and that she needed to be calm with her.

“Fayre, I’m sorry sweetie, Daddy’s not here. Let me help and we can go see him.” Y/N said calmly, kneeling in front of her daughter who was looking at her angrily.

“No! Daddy! Not you! Don't want you!” Fayre said as she got up, her shoes still untied, as she tried to run for the door.

Y/N could feel her anger go up.

“Fayre Diana. Don't run away.” Y/N said sternly.

Her daughter was crying and screaming, and banging on the door desperately like she was trying to get out, she was yelling so loud, and Y/N’s head was pounding. And her daughter was upset, and she was upset and she didn't know what to do.

What should she do what should she do?

She felt the anger rush up into her head, flashing her eyes red, she felt herself hit her breaking point, felt everything coming to her at once, felt so done, so tired and she just wanted it to stop.

“Fayre! Daddy isn't here! I need you to listen to me!” she yelled, moving over to her daughter who was too small to resist Y/N picking her up. Fayre kicked and tried to push her away as Y/N walked over to their couch.

“We won't go if you don't let me help you.” She said, no longer yelling, but her voice with much more power.

And Fayre stared at her, her eyes wide and almost sad, she stared at her and she started to cry even more.

Y/N watched as her daughter's eyes welled up in tears, as her daughter was hyperventilating, so sad, and so little, she felt herself breaking at the sight.

And she tried to grab her arm, trying to do anything to calm her down.

“No! I don't want you!” Fayre screamed pushing Y/N away, pushing her away and looking at her angrily. “I want JJ! You not nice! JJ!”

And everything stopped.

Everything just stopped.

Y/N could feel everything drain from her body, all her emotions all her thought all her organs, she felt it all fall away from her, felt her heart crack into so many pieces it was practically dust because

She wasn't good enough

She wasn't enough

She wasn't

I want JJ!

I want

Her daughter didn't want her, and her husband didn't want her, and she didn't want her, and there was nothing there was nothing

There was so much

She felt everything collapse from within and she couldn't find the words, didn't know how to breathe, didn't know how to remove the air that was filling her body, didn't know how to breathe

How do you breathe how do you-

She wasn't good enough.

She wasn't good.

She wasn't.

She. she she.

There was nothing left of her.

Nothing but the ashes that were barely enough to fill her feet, let alone the hole that was left within her body, the hole that had been building up for weeks.

There was nothing.

Everything stopped.

Everything just stopped.

And she stared at her daughter, her daughter who wasn't saying anything, barely even looked like she was breathing, and she stared at her and.

Everything started again.

Fayre was looking at her, tears running down her cheeks, and Y/N watched as she came over and hugged her legs, she watched as Fayre listed out apologizes, watched as she looked up at her, sad by the tears running down her Moms cheeks.

She didn't know what to do.

She didn't she didn't.

She ignored it.

Nothing had happened nothing was happening, she was whole she was completely there, there was nothing wrong.

Nothing had happened.

They were going to be late.

***

She stood there numb.

Numb as she watched her daughter laugh with Spencer and JJ.

She stood there and she felt nothing at all.

She watched her friends dance and laugh and play games, she watched the kids run around Rossi’s yard, giggly and happy as could be.

She watched everyone else enjoy themselves, and she couldn't feel anything.

She didn't know what she was supposed to feel.

Was she supposed to be sad? Sad that her daughter considered JJ a better mom than she did Y/N?

Was she supposed to be angry? Angry that Fayre had adapted to JJ’s house so much that she thought she was better?

Was she supposed to be annoyed? Or heartbroken? Was she supposed to frustratingly yell at JJ, to yell at Spencer?

Was there something she was supposed to feel? Something she was supposed to do.

She didn't know.

All she knew was the numbness she’d been submerged in, the numbness that had taken over her body when it had fallen to pieces, fallen apart on her living room floor, the numbness that put clouds in her brain, clouds that forced her to think but not to feel.

Was there something she was supposed to be feeling?

She didn't feel anything.

She just watched, she watched Hotch laugh with the boys, and Derek talk with Emily and Penelope pull funny faces to make Fayre laugh. She watched as JJ stood with her arms wrapped around Will, watched as Rossi grilled something and yelled out things.

She watched all of them feel.

She didn't dare look at Spencer.

When she had arrived with Fayre, immediately she’d let her run to her Father, let her go hug him desperately, and had not let herself spare a glance at him. She didn't want to see him and she didn't want to think about how he had left, about how he had taken her advice, about how their daughter would be so much better off with a mom who knew what she was doing.

She didn't want to think about all the ways she had disappointed her family.

She didn't want to think at all.

So she didn't look at him, didn't watch him the way she always did, didn't say a single word to him. She wouldn't allow herself that.

She was looking down at the pavement when Derek came over to her.

“Hey Pretty Girl,” he said, as he stood next to her, holding out a drink for her, which she took nonchalant as she looked back at the ground.

“Hey,” she said quietly, her voice void of emotion, her body void of everything.

“Hey, what's wrong?” he asked, moving his head down so he could get a look at her face.

She looked up at his words, her neck snapping at the question.

“Nothing,” she said, looking in his eyes, which were glazed with concern.

“What's going on Pretty girl? You’ve been standing here alone all night?” Derek said, putting a reassuring arm on her shoulder.

She didn't feel a thing.

“Nothings going on. I’m just tired,” she said, again, looking back at the ground. She was tired of thinking.

‘Y/N.” Derek said, moving her chin so she was looking in his eyes again. “Seriously, what's wrong?”

Y/N stayed silent, willed her body to feel nothing, to think nothing, because there was nothing wrong, there was nothing wrong.

She looked back down.

“Alright.” Derek sighed, taking the drink he had given her from her hand and setting it down on a nearby table. He grabbed her hand and led her away from the party, away from everything else. She wondered where they were going.

When they finally stopped at a small garden farther into Rossi’s backyard Derek halted and turned to stare at her again.

“What's going on with you and Spencer?”

Y/N felt herself crack at that. Felt the numbness drain only a smidge, from her body, felt her staring at Derek urgently, felt her mind trying to run again.

“Nothing. There's nothing.” She said quickly, her words jumbled, her heart racing.

“You think I haven't noticed the way you two have been acting recently? He's been staring at you all night, and you haven't said a word to anyone. Something is going on. What is it?”

She looked down, surprised by his words, emotion was filling her body but she was begging herself to just keep it out, to just not feel anything.

She didn't want to feel anything.

“Derek I-” and she broke. Her body was flooded with memories and thoughts and emotions, and she could feel the dam breaking in her eyes and she felt everything all at once and she just wanted it to stop. She didn't want to feel any of it. Why wouldn't it just stop?

Derek pulled her into his chest. He pulled her in tight and rubbed her back and she tried to calm herself down, as she tried to keep in all the emotions her body was begging her to let out.

“Shh, Pretty Girl... It’ll be alright. Just breathe.” He said as she rested her cheek on her chest, as she felt her body start to panic, her mind started to buzz with the overwhelming feeling.

What would she do? Her daughter didn't want her. Her daughter didn't want her. Her daughter had said she didn't want her and she didn't know what to do what would she do her daughter didn't didn't want her-

“Fayre said she wanted JJ.” she cried out desperately, the words tumbling out of her like an avalanche, she could feel herself still panicking, she could feel the buzzing of her brain flow to the rest of her body. What would she do-

“What do you mean.”

“Fayre,” she breathed, “she said that I- I was mean.” she gasped and more tears rolled down her cheeks like rocks falling “and that- she wanted JJ- not-” her body was buzzing in the panic that had contained her “not me,” she said and she cried. She cried against her friend as her family was only a short distance away, as her family had no idea how worthless, how broken she was.

Derek just let her cry. He let her sob out different words, he looked down at her concerned, wondering when she had fallen apart. Wondered why he was the one comforting her instead of her husband, her husband who was only 100 feet away.

The panic was still there, still shaking her heart back and forth, still buzzing loud in her brain, but she was breathing, she had gotten the words out, the terrifying words that she so desperately wanted to pretend didn't exist.

She was starting to breathe.

Why did she have to feel anything?

Derek held her, held her close, held her because that was what she needed, she needed her husband but she needed something she needed someone.

He listened as she gasped out her last sob, as her crying started to slow down.

He moved back. He kept his hands on her shoulder as she looked up at him.

She looked so small, her eyes bloodshot, her face pale, she looked like a little kid who had no idea what to do, she looked so small standing there with him.

“Are you alright?” he asked as he searched her face.

She took a shaky breath as she said “Thank you. Better now.”

She didn't think she had the energy to say anything else.

***

It was time to go. It was time to go back to her house, her empty house, it was time to go back to her numbness, which was empty, just like her house.

They were quite the pair.

It was time to say goodbye to Fayre, time to send her off with her Dad, and with JJ who didn't disappoint the two of them.

In a way, Y/N was thankful to JJ, because she knew that JJ would take care of her family, she knew that JJ would be there for them if they needed anything. She knew that if she couldn't make them happy, at least JJ could.

She tried to ignore the envy she felt towards JJ. She tried to ignore the anger she wanted to feel. She knew it wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault that she didn't disappoint.

It was Y/N’s.

At least she thought at least they have someone.

She just wanted them to be happy.

It was time to say goodbye, as everyone started heading towards their cars, tired and ready to go home, Fayre walked over to her mom, her smile shining bright as she led Spencer towards Y/N.

They were walking over to Y/N together, Fayre pulling her dad along, pulling him over to her. He was coming over, he was coming over. Y/N didn't let her heart feel anything, she didn't let her eyes drift toward him.

“Momma!” Fayre yelled excitedly, throwing herself into Y/N’s arms.

“Hi, baby.” Y/N said quietly, looking at her beautiful daughter, staring at the one relief she had from it all. “Did you have fun?” She said softly.

“Yeah, Momma! We did games, and Daddy did trick!” She was much too loud and excited for the late hour, but Y/N was happy to see her so full of energy, so alive.

“Did he?”

“Yeah! And he said do more!” she was smiling over at her dad, but Y/N didn't take her eyes off of Fayre.

“More later?” she said quietly, her mood only slightly deflated at the thought of them leaving.

“Yeah!” Y/N kept a smile on her face, kept her smile, but couldn't change the disappointment stuck in her eyes, she smiled at Fayre and kissed her on the cheek.

“You go with Daddy alright? Be back tomorrow?” Y/N said, laughing a little at the words. She had given up, given up on trying to stop the tears stinging at her eyes. She was smiling at her daughter, but she felt like sobbing against her.

Just another way to disappoint the two of them.

“Why sad Momma?” Fayre asked, her little hand rubbing Y/N’s cheek as she wiped away the one tear she had let go. Y/N wished she wasn't as smart as she was.

“I’m not sad little love,” She said, feeling her voice crack at the lie, at the words she’d been trying to believe were true. She sighed softly and smiled sadly at her daughter. “Just tired.”

Fayre was still looking at her with a furrow in her brows, still staring at her confused. “Don't sad Momma.”

Y/N laughed bitterly at the words, committing them to memory for later.

“Alright, Fay. I won't. Be back tomorrow?” she asked once again.

Fayre wrapped her little arms around Y/N’s neck, squeezing tight like she was trying to make everything better. “Be back tomorrow Momma.” She said as Y/N put her down and pushed her gently towards Spencer.

Spencer, who'd she’d almost forgotten, was there. She gave herself one opportunity, one look, one look to just see him. And she looked in his eyes, she looked at his face that looked so sad, his eyes that were staring right at hers concerned. She looked at his face that looked almost regretful.

She looked away.

She felt her heart beat faster, reminding her of the love she was trying to keep away from him.

She waved at Fayre one more time, blew her a kiss.

This time she walked away first.

She couldn't bear to see them leave again.

***

She was up late at night when there was a knock.

Quiet, quick, almost as if whoever was there knew she would still be up.

She hadn't been sleeping well. She felt words swirling around her head, memories of the things she didn't want to think about popping up at random points.

She couldn't stop her brain.

She couldn't get numb again.

But there was a knock.

She looked at the safe in her closet, wondering if she should grab her gun, just in case.

In the end, she’d decided against it. If it was someone bad would they have broken in?

She walked towards the door, turning on the lights, and unlocking it.

She hadn't expected to see her husband standing on the other side.

She hadn't expected to see Spencer looking at her.

She hadn't expected to see relief in his eyes.

She hadn't expected him to talk to her.

“You’re awake,” he said, almost in awe, almost like he wasn't sure, quiet.

Y/N just stared at him.

It was the first time she had looked him in the eyes without any hesitation for weeks. It was the first time she had looked into his eyes without nerves running up and down her spine, without feeling like she had to be ashamed for looking at him.

She felt her heart beat faster.

“Spence.” she breathed out.

He gently grabbed her hand, gently moved her out of the way so he could get through the door, he gently let her hand go and moved to take off his shoes.

He was taking off his shoes.

Y/N just watched him, wondering if she was dreaming, if she was dreaming about him coming back home, wondering if this was all fake.

She hoped she wouldn't wake up for a little bit longer.

“Y/N.” Spencer said, turning back to her, “Can we talk?”

It was the first time she had heard him speak to her in days, the first time she had heard her name slip from his lips.

She left like she was floating.

She wondered why she couldn't feel anything but bliss.

She wondered when the nerves would catch up.

She only nodded at him, only gestured to the couch. There was too much going on for her brain to comprehend, she was surviving on only coffee and a couple of caffeine pills, she was up far too late and she didn't know what was going on.

They both sat down on the couch, and Y/N’s heart got faster at the close proximity of the two. What was going on?

“We have to talk about everything.”

And then the nerves caught up.

And then the nerves invaded her body, filling her to the core with irrational thoughts, with messages from her brain that only made her heart beat faster.

Divorce.

Custody.

Leaving.

The nerves were too much too much, and her eyes were wide and all she could do was nod, just nod at him. Unconsciously she moved farther away from him, preparing herself for the distance he was going to ask for.

He was leaving he was leaving he was going to leave he was-

“I think that we should’ve talked a long time ago.” He said quietly looking down at the floor, staring intensely at something Y/N couldn't see.

“Yeah.” Y/N said, her voice breaking from the pressure, her body ready to collapse.

“I’m sorry I left,” Spencer said.

And it stopped.

Everything stopped.

He was sorry. He was sorry he left, he was sorry for doing the thing that Y/N had told him to do, doing the thing that she had asked of him, he was sorry he was sorry.

“Why,” she asked.

“Because I never should have left. And I never should have left for so long. It was childish and only 58% of long-distance relationships work, and I didn't even leave the city I was just gone and I- I’m not sure what I was thinking-”

“I told you to go.”

“What?” Y/N was staring at him, staring intently. She missed the sound of his voice but she hated the words coming out of his mouth. This was all of her fault, she had told him to leave, she hadn't done anything about it. This was her fault and he shouldn't have been saying any of this.

“I told you to leave. I said, “Go ahead and leave Spencer.” She paused and looked down at his feet. “You were only doing what I asked.”

Silence consumed the room. Y/N still didn't know what else Spencer wanted to talk about, she still didn't know if this meant he wanted to try if he wanted to try and be with her, she didn't know if this meant they were going to get better.

She couldn't help but think of the empty space that filled her body, she couldn't help but think about the hole in her body that was scarring, that was stuck there, almost numb, unbelievably painful. She couldn't help but think about the words she’d endured to get that hole.

“I shouldn't have listened to you. You were right.” Spencer said, pulling out of her thoughts, pulling her out of the pain that threatened to take over her body once again. “You didn't deserve me leaving, and neither did Fayre. I should’ve stayed.”

“Spencer you don't-”

“And then today. Today I was looking at you, I was watching you. And you just-” he paused and shook his hands in front of his face as if he was trying to reach for the words “you looked so empty. You just- you weren't looking at anything and you were just staring- and I don't think I’ve ever seen you look like that and I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know what was going on but you looked so empty-”

Y/N paused. Derek had said Spencer was looking at her, he had told her that right to her face, but there was a block keeping her from thinking about it. She was trying not to think about it. But Derek had been right, and Spencer had noticed he had noticed.

He’d noticed her.

“Y/N.,” he said, grabbing her face as he pulled her closer to him. “I’ve never seen you look so emotionless. You looked at me after Fayre said goodbye, and it was like there was nothing. There was nothing- and- It scared me. I had no idea what to do, but I could feel that I started it, I could tell it had something to do with us and-”

“Fayre caused it.” Y/N blurted out.

“What?” Spencer looked at her shocked, his face unmoving.

“She,” Y/N took a deep breath, not wanting to relive the memory, but wanting to keep the closeness of Spencer so bad she wouldn't stop. “She was having trouble with her shoes, and she was asking for you, and I got mad- god.” Y/N shook her head angrily, mad at her past self for getting mad at Fayre. “I never should’ve gotten mad. I was mad and she was upset and she said-”

Something was choking her from the inside. Maybe it was the anxiety holding her throat down, maybe it was the nerves that seemed to be everywhere, maybe it was the desperation to forget everything, to pretend to be okay, maybe it was the exhaustion that rested on her eyes weighing them down, maybe it was the buzzing in her heart.

It didn't matter what it was, it was choking her, stopping the words from escaping her mouth, stopping the words from reaching the air, stopping her from telling Spencer.

But she fought, she fought against her instinct, fought against all her self defense mechanisms, and something finally let go.

“She said, I was mean, and that she wanted JJ.” and she gasped.

The words were out, out into the world, out where her husband- who she hadn't been speaking to, who she hadn't gotten any affection from in months -could finally hear them.

It felt like a shock to say them.

It felt like a shock to have to say them again, this time to the man she loved most.

She felt ashamed in herself, for the decisions she had made earlier, for the disappointment she was to her family, for the void that lived in her body.

“Y/N,” Spencer said, wiping away tears she hadn't noticed escaped her eyes. “She didn't mean that.”

And the words might have been reassuring, they might have been helpful, might have rested her self hatred, if she wasn't familiar with the person Spencer was.

He would like just to make her happy.

‘I think she did,” she said more tears crawling up her throat. “I think she did. Because I understand, because I’m not an amazing mother, and I’m definitely not an amazing wife, and I’ve been unfair to her, and I wish she didn't have to deal with me all the time, I think she meant it-”

Spencer put a hand over her mouth stopping her words. He was looking at her angry, his brows furrowed in something that looked like disgust, his mouth turned down.

“Don't ever say that.” He said harshly.

“What?” Y/N said as she moved back, her words muffled by his hand, surprised at his sudden change in mood.

“I don't want to ever hear, I don't want you to ever think that you aren't a perfect Mother.” He said, looking her directly in her eyes, his voice wasn't wavering and neither was his mind. “You are an amazing Mother to Fayre. She loves you.”

When Y/N tried to interrupt Spencer just spoke over her.

“And you are an amazing wife. You are more than I could’ve ever asked for. So, I do not want to hear another word about you not being enough. It's a lie, and I hate it.”

He stopped and Y/N was still looking at him shocked at the sudden outburst. She had thought that was why she left. She wasn't enough, because Spencer was disappointed in her. After all, she just wasn't good enough. She thought that's why he left.

That was why he left.

Wasn't it?

Tears ran down her face as she stared at him frustrated.

“Oh, Y/N.,” he said, moving his hand from her mouth and gently wiping another tear away. “I didn't mean to scare you. I just want you to believe me, baby.”

He was so gentle, so caring, so everything she had been missing for the months they had been constantly fighting with each other.

She sobbed against his hand.

“Baby,” he said desperately, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her closer to him. She breathed him in, shocked by the smell she loved so much, shocked that he was so close to her, shocked at how cold she had been without him.

She had been so cold for so long.

She sobbed even more, shaking against his chest, gasping for breath.

She had no idea she could miss a person that was so close to her.

“I’m so sorry baby. I’m so sorry any of this happened,” he said, rubbing her hair and pulling her close to him. Spencer felt close to tears himself, watching his wife shake in his arms, he knew that she had been deteriorating for months, for months he knew and he hadn't done a thing. He knew that she was barely there, that another week would have burned her away, he felt ashamed that he hadn't been there sooner.

“Spence.” she cried, tugging on his shirt and nudging her head into his chest.

He just sat there, helping her get him closer, helping her remove the last couple of centimeters between them.

She sobbed and she sobbed into his chest, relieved that he was here, still hoping that this wasn't a dream, that this wasn't some cruel joke the world was playing on her.

She couldn't just let this go again.

“Y/N,” Spencer said when she had finally caught her breath when she had stopped shaking.

She looked up at him, her eyes puffy, and pleading, at that moment she looked so vulnerable it made Spencer want to protect her from everything. He didn't want to lose the only thing holding him together. “I love you. I’m so sorry that we’ve been so far apart.”

She moved her hands from his chest, moving them to his neck and jumping into his lap, straddling him on the couch as he hugged her back just as tight. It was a breath of fresh air to be so close together, they were each other's light in a dark room.

They had been so far apart.

“I’m sorry too Spencer. I’m sorry.”

Spencer just ‘shh’’d her, just held her close to him. They were both exhausted, and it was so late, it was too late.

It was almost too much to be close to him again.

They stayed like that, silent and together, silent and right next to each other for a while. They let each other's body heat warm them up, let their hearts get used to the close proximity again, let everything that had happened fade between them.

It was a while later, a while later when Y/N had felt almost repaired when she could no longer feel the burning of the hole in her body, the hole that had so desperately needed to be filled, the hole that was now barely there. It was then that she finally spoke.

“Where's Fayre?” she asked quietly against his ear, running her hands through the hair on his neck, enjoying the grip he had on her waist, and the kisses he was leaving on her neck.

“She’s still at JJ’s. I didn't want to wake her up, but I had to see you.”

There was a pause and then,

“Spencer,” she whispered softly, in awe that he was there, that they were together again.

He just kissed her some more.

They stayed like that, connected, for just a moment longer, just another moment together, before Spencer spoke up again.

“Y/N?” he asked, moving back only a little bit so he could look into her eyes.

“Yes?” she asked, staring at the brown eyes she had fallen in love with, the brown eyes that always seemed to fill her with a feeling she would never know how to describe.

“I love you,” he said softly, pecking her lips.

When he pulled back she smiled with her eyes closed, smiled at him, smiled at the feeling in her chest, smiled at the happiness she hadn't felt in so long, she smiled and she opened her eyes just so she could look at him because he was right there, he was right in front of her.

“I haven't seen you smile in so long,” Spencer whispered in awe, running his hand over her cheek as he stared at her.

She only smiled wider.

“Spencer?” she said softly, the smile stuck to her face.

“Yes?” he asked, moving to look back up to her eyes instead of her mouth, her eyes which were shining just for him.

“I love you,” she said. Quietly. Gently. For what felt like another first time.

He kissed her. Harder this time.

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#spencer reid smut #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds rp #criminal minds headcanons #emily prentiss x reader #derek morgan #mgg #mgg x reader #mgg blurb

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nocturnalazura · 4 years ago

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Reassured You're Worth It

Todoroki Shoto x Virgin Fem!Reader

Minors do not interact.

Warnings| 18+, Loss of Virginity, multiple orgasms, Oral (fem receiving), fingering, minor over stimulation, unprotected sex, cream pie

All characters are aged up

Summary: You've always been a little unsure and nervous about finally losing your virginity, you're boyfriend always said that it was fine but sometimes you over think. So when you get into your own head he helps reassure you and you finally make a decision that you've thought about a few times before. (I suck at summaries)

Just a quick thank you to the anon that requested a first time with Todoroki! This was super fun to right and ended up being way longer than I meant it to be.

It’s a rare occurrence for you and Shoto to have a full night to yourselves. Normally one of you has something to do, you with piles of homework for school, or Shoto has to go off and save the city. So for the first time in what feels like and probably is months you two find solace in laying back on the couch together. Shoto rests on his back half watching whatever movie the two of you had previously chosen while he traces soft circles on your back while you rest on his chest not even attempting to act interested in the movie playing. You lost interest long ago as the couple on screen breaks up for some stupid reason that won’t matter in the end anyway. You already know that the movie will end with them getting back together and of course there will be the obligatory overly dramatic sex scene. You cringe inwardly at the thought of sitting through something that would set expectations to high.

Realistically you know that sex would never be like it was in the movies, but seeing little glimpses of it being so perfect always kind of got your hopes up that that’s what it would really be like. At twenty years old you know that the world doesn’t work the same way as the movies, and people always bitched about how sex scenes and porn were so over rated but you couldn’t help but wonder if they really were. Maybe your first time would be like the movies and everyone was just full of shit and didn’t want to tell you the truth. Or maybe people didn’t want to tell you because you were still a virgin in college and some people found that weird. Which honestly you still don’t get, who cares if you’re still a virgin, not everyone needs to have sex at a young age to have fun plus you wanted to do it with someone you trusted.

Shoto knew you were a virgin and simply stated that he didn’t mind not having sex he just wanted to be with you, but sometimes you couldn’t help but wonder if he would get tired of waiting. Other boyfriends were usually sick of waiting by now and tried pushing for more a few times before you finally broke it off. Shoto’s never brought it up or made any attempt to push you out of your comfort zone, he’s always been pretty respectful when your make out sessions get a little too hot for your liking. The thought of him being your first had crossed your mind more than once, you trust him, and feel comfortable with him. Would he want to? He’s never brought it up maybe because he’s not interested? Suddenly the fingers on your lower back turn ice cold.

“Shoto! What the hell oh my god stop!” You shriek and giggle as you attempt to wiggle away from the frozen fingers. Sitting up on his lap you look down at him only to see him softly smiling up at you.

“Sorry love, but I’ve been saying your name for about 5 minutes now. I could practically hear you thinking. What’s wrong?”

“It’s stupid don’t worry about it.”

“Nothing you think is stupid love now tell me or you won’t be able to stop thinking about it.” He whispers, pushing himself to sit up against the arm of the couch. Biting your lip softly he offers you his hand so you can play with his fingers as you work up the nerve to voice your problem.

“God it’s so stupid, but I just, are you tired of waiting?”

“Tired of waiting?”

“For me.” You whisper softly. When he raises a quizzical eyebrow at you, you swallow awkwardly and continue. “For uhm for sex.”

“Am I tired of waiting for sex?” He parrots back to you. When you nod he frowns slightly and pulls his hand away from yours and pushes himself to sit up fully. “Why do you think I’d be tired? I told you I don’t mind waiting, have I been pushing you? I didn’t mean to. We go at your pace. I'm sorry if I gave off anything but that.”

“Oh, oh Sho no that’s not what I meant at all. You’ve never pushed me to far, I just, god see I told you it was stupid.”

“It’s not. I want you to feel comfortable at all times. I told you, I really don’t mind waiting, I just want to be with you, so what brought this up?” He questions tilting his head and opening his arms for you to collapse into him.

“I don’t know, I see these stupid scenes and I over think, and just I don’t want you to be unhappy. Are you sure you don’t mind waiting?”

“Of course not my love. I want you to be comfortable. If you want to take that step with me one day then I’ll happily take the chance but if you don’t want to that’s fine as well. It’s about you, I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

Nodding you snuggle into his chest and let him resume rubbing soft circles into your skin with one hand while he mindlessly let you play with the finger on his other hand. Resting his head on top of yours as he goes back to half watching the movie. His reassurance in you and your decisions fills you with a sense of comfort and undying trust that you didn’t know you needed. Your body automatically relaxes into him as he turns slightly to press a soft kiss to your forehead before smiling softly against you.

The two of you continue to enjoy the rest of the night, switching to another movie later on. Filled with soft kisses and plenty of cuddles. When the movie ends Shoto turns so you’re tucked into his side and listens as you tell him how school has been going for you lately. He tells you about some of the less graphic and violent missions and villains he’s taken part in over the past couple weeks. The soft discussion of you finally moving into his apartment with him when your lease ends in a few months makes you both smile. As it gets later the two of you finally pop your comfortable bubble of happiness and finally head to bed. Getting washed up quickly you get into bed together.

“Good night.” Shoto softly whispers into your hair.

“Night Sho, love you.”

“Love you too.”

With that he pulls you just a little closer so his chest is completely pressed to your back. You let the feeling of his chest rising and falling against your back mixed with the soft little puffs of air that escape him relax you. You smile as his breathing evens out as he falls asleep. Your earlier conversation plays over and over in your mind, his instant concern for you and what you want fills your heart with nothing but love. Swallowing down the fear you have you slowly wiggle around in his arms to turn around and face him. His face is perfectly peaceful as he sleeps, you know you’d be making the right choice with him being your first.

However the last few times you’ve thought of finally taking that leap your own nerves got in the way. He’s proven to you over and over again that you can trust him with everything and his words from earlier prove to you once again that you can trust him. Taking a deep breath you finally make your decision. He’ll be staying the night with you again tomorrow and you’ll tell him you want him to be your first. Your body fills with nothing but excitement and nerves at the thought but you do your best to tame the thoughts and sleep.

Unfortunately sleep doesn’t take you right away and by the time you wake up Shoto is long gone. A small note on your bedside table lets you know that he should be home early as he only has some paperwork and meetings to attend to today. Smiling at the thought of him coming home before dark for once. Pulling yourself out of bed you get ready for the day before heading out to the living room to clean up the little mess the two you left behind the previous night.

Turning on some music you lose yourself to your cleaning as you dance around picking up and wiping everything clean. Before you know it the entire living room, kitchen and bathroom are spotless. Moving on to the bedroom you work on changing the bedding and throwing the other set in a basket to be put away later. Looking around you eye the chair settled in the corner of your room piled high with clean clothes. Sighing you decide to finally tackle the dreaded mountain. After what feels like years of putting away laundry you unceremoniously drop onto the bed to rest and scroll through your phone.

A shrill ding rings out as a message from Shoto pops up letting you know he’s done for the day and has picked up food on his way. Smiling, you hop up and head over to the dresser and pull out one of the shirts you’ve stolen from Shoto and a pair of shorts. Changing quickly you head out to the living room just as Shoto unlocks the door with a bag of take out in hand.

“Oh. I didn’t think you’d be here that quick.” You say happily surprised.

“Didn’t want to leave you waiting long so I waited to text you.” He says, smiling softly as you pad over to him taking the bag. Grabbing you before you have a chance to get away he gives you a soft kiss before heading to your room to change into comfortable clothing. “You did a lot while I was gone.”

“Hmm? Oh yeah. I kinda just got into it and kept going.”

“I would have helped you when I got back.” He says settling on the floor in front of the coffee table.

“I know but this gave me something to do while you were gone.” You mumble as you hand him his food.

He rolls his eyes at you with a small smile before grabbing the remote to pick something to watch. He settles on something neither one of you really cares about as you both dig into your food. You only half watch whatever plays as you pick at one another’s food and discuss what happened at his meetings. When the food is finished you two slowly begin to pay more attention to the show. You sit there on the floor together for quite awhile before finally deciding to head to bed. Before you can grab anything to put it away Shoto is pushing you onto the couch and doing it himself ignoring your protests.

“You cleaned all day. I can put away leftovers and take out the trash.” He says pressing a kiss to your forehead before going to take the trash out.

Sighing you settle on the couch and wait for him to come back. Taking a deep breath you decide that once he comes back you’ll finally tell him you’re ready. A small amount of nerves build up again at the thought of finally going that far. Shaking your head you get up and head to the bedroom and wait for him there. Jumping onto the bed you toss your phone onto the side table and settle face down on the bed. The sound of the front door opening and closing again alerts you to Shotos return but doesn’t prepare you for his weight to suddenly drop onto your body.

“Aghkh Sho!” You wheeze out as he lets himself rest on you. “Get off me you ass! You’re heavy!”

“Well now that’s rather rude of you to say. I don’t feel like moving for someone who insults me.”

“You’re literally all muscle! You’re gonna kill me!!” You squeal as he lets more of his weight drop. Laughing slightly he wraps an arm under you and flips the two of you over. Wiggling out from under his arm you sit up to flip yourself over to look down at him. “Rude.”

“You’re cute.”

“I know I am.” You smirk as you lean down to kiss him.

Shoto happily sighs as your lips slot perfectly against his. His hands carefully roam the tops of your thighs before creeping up the back of your shirt slowly.

“You look good in my clothes.”

“Mmm that’s why I wear them.”

Shaking his head he tangled a hand in your hair pulling you back down to him. It’s a familiar thing for the two of you, long drawn out make out sessions with a small mix of groping and grinding against one another until you finally reach the edge of your comfort zone. His hands roam over your body easily, memorizing every little detail they touch. Shoto grabs greedy handfuls of your ass as your mouths work together. His hands knead at the fat of your ass as he uses it as leverage to move you against him.

You both groan into the other's mouth as he pulls you to softly grind against him. You moan sweetly against him as you feel his cock stir beneath you. He lets out a soft grunt as you grind down a little harder on him. Pulling away from the kiss he lets his head rest against the pillows as he looks up at you with half lidded, his thumbs rub soft circles onto your hips as he watches you move against him. You keep your movement at a steady pace as you watch his face twitch and contort softly with every little grunt and groan he lets out. The feeling of his hardened cock pressing against you as you move against him has your already slightly dampened panties soaking uncomfortably quick as you think of what could possibly happen.

“Y/n, love tell me what you want.” He whispers up at you softly.

“I want you.”

“Want me to help get you off love?” He mutters leaning up to kiss your neck as he lets one of the hands on your hip slide down to the waistband of your shorts.

“Shoto, I um, I want want you.” Swallowing your nerves you continue “I’ve been thinking about it and I want it to be you.” You whisper softly leaning in to press a soft kiss to his cheek. “I want you to be my first.”

Gnawing on your bottom lip, you finally sit up to look at him fully. A bright blush rests over his cheeks as he stares up at you with wide bi colored eyes. You watch as he swallows hard before finally nodding, seeming to have finally processed everything. Letting go of you he pushes himself up to rest against the headboard before bringing a hand up to your cheek and pulling you close again.

“You’ll tell me if you want to stop right?”

“Of course, I trust you Sho. You’ll um take the lead right?”

“If that’s what you’re more comfortable with of course.”

“Yes please.”

Giving you a quick nod he pulls you into a soft kiss before letting him slide back down the headboard to rest amongst the pillows with you on top of him. He lets his hands drift down to your ass again to coax you back into grinding against him. The two of you continue that way for a little while, simply kissing and nipping at one another. Groaning against you he wraps an arm around you tightly to quickly flip the two of you over. Sitting up on his knees he quickly pulls his shirt over his head smirking at the way your eyes rake over his toned torso. He fiddles with the hem of the shirt you're wearing waiting for your nod of approval before pulling it off to admire your naked torso. You fidget slightly under his gaze fighting off the temptation of covering your bare chest.

“God you’re beautiful.” He whispers leaning down to pepper soft kisses across your face before diving down to press harsher ones against your neck. His hands cautiously creep up your body to softly grope at your breasts. “You’re so soft and perfect love.”

You relax again at his words letting him touch you the way he pleases. A small moan escapes you as his thumbs toy with your nipples softly, fingers kneading into the plushness. Shoto lets out quiet hums of happiness at the feeling of finally being able to hold and touch you in all ways. He carefully begins to work his way down from your neck, pressing little kisses against your skin. He nips softly at the soft skin of your breast peeking up at you through his hair before moving slightly to allow his teeth to graze your already sensitive nipple before carefully letting his lips wrap around it. He softly laps and sucks at it, switching to the other when you arch your back pressing him further into your chest.

“Sho, keep going please.” You whine tugging at his hair.”

Humming against you he starts moving again, leaving little kisses against the soft skin of your belly until he reaches the waistband of your shorts. He kisses along the edge before lifting his head to look up at you as if asking permission to continue. When you give him a small nod he wraps his fingers around it gently before tugging your shorts and panties down in one go leaving you completely bare to him. You can’t help the nerves that suddenly swell up inside of you as you clench your legs together in a small attempt to hide.

“Please don’t hide from me love, you’re perfect.” Whispers Shoto running his hands along your sides in an attempt to ease your nerves. “We can stop if you’re not ready.”

“Sorry, just a little nervous.” You whisper, taking in a deep breath you let your legs relax. “Keep going, I trust you.”

Smiling at you sweetly he moves to spread your legs and settles himself in between them. He’s touched you before but having him this close to your soaked center is oddly nerve wracking. Soft hands rub against the tops of your thighs before pushing your legs just a little further apart. Once settled he uses his thumbs to gently spread your lips apart to look at your clenching little hole. Shifting slightly you throw an arm over your eyes to avoid looking down at him until you feel it.

You let out a surprised moan as Shoto licks a strip up your soaked little pussy. He eagerly groans into your core as he continues to let his tongue explore as you moan and tug at his hair. His nose softly bumps and rubs against your clit as he eagerly licks into you, letting his tongue explore you and happily letting your taste coat his mouth. Moving up he sucks softly on your clit as he slowly circles a finger around your entrance coating it in your slick. Moving your arm you finally look down only to be met with Shoto’s hazy lust filled gaze as he sucks at your clit and carefully works a singular finger into you.

“Oooh Shoto!” You moan out tugging at his hair as he groans heavily against your clit.

His eyes gaze up to your through a lust filled haze as he slowly pumps his finger in you as he lets his tongue lap at your clit. Popping off your clit he speeds up the pace of his finger and changes his position to lean over you as he watches your face for any kind of discomfort. Twisting his wrist ever so slightly he finally hits the little spot inside of that leaves you moaning freely. Carefully he eases in a second finger slowing the pace down and letting you get used to the stretch. When your mouth drops open with a low moan of his name he picks the pace back up, letting the pads of his fingers press against that spongy spot inside of you.

“You’re so good for me my love. Look how perfect you are.” He groans out as he feels your walls clamp around him sporadically. “Your pussy is so pretty baby, look how cute it looks wrapped around my fingers.”

You rock your hips up into his hand, looking up at him with little tears dotting the corners of your eyes. Licking at his bottom lip he drops back down between your thighs letting his tongue play with your sensitive little clit. Your hips shift around relentlessly at the stimulation until he throws his free arm over you to hold you in place as he pressed his fingers into you faster.

“Shoto! M’gonna cum.” You squeal as he licks and sucks at your clit harder pulling you closer to your end. FInally he presses a third finger in officially pushing you over the edge at the added stretch and pressure.

“That’s it love, cum for me.” He grunts out as he eases you through your orgasm. He carefully pulls his finger free of your spasming walls before leaning down to lick a long strip up your slit. Shoto eagerly licks at slick the drips from you, softly pushing your legs open as they threaten to close around him.

He lets you whine and tug at his hair as he digs his tongue into your now drenched and stretched little hole. He shoves his face into your center letting his nose rub against your now sensitive clit as he licks into you groaning as he ruts against the bed as the taste of you spreads throughout his mouth. Grunting into he switches between licking at your clit and pressing his tongue as far into your spasming walls as he can. The feeling quickly begins to overstimulate you as he smothers himself in your pussy. Your hands scramble to push him away as he goes back to focusing on your clit again as the feeling of another orgasm quickly creeps up on you.

“Sho! Too much!” You cry out as he sends you crashing over the edge again. Finally you manage to push him off of you as your legs shake around him with tears running down your face from the over stimulation.

“Fuck, sorry love.” He says breathing heavily. He quickly wipes your juices from the bottom half of his face with the back of his hand before moving up to lean down and kiss you softly. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long. You okay?”

“Uh huh” you mumble through a head filled with a lovely pleasure haze.

“Do you wanna stop here?” He questions pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“No, I really want to keep going please. I wanna know what it feels like to have you in me please.” You whisper blinking the haze away.

“Yeah? Ok, fuck we can do that.” Swallowing thickly he gives you another quick kiss before pushing the rest of his clothes off quickly. You watch with wide eyes as his hard cock slaps up against his lower abs. “You can say no still at any point ok?”

“I know.” You whisper as you pull him back down to you for a long drawn out kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He mumbles against your lips. He settles himself over you, one arm holding himself up while the other reaches down to tease the blunt head of his cock against your soaked entrance. “Ready?”

“Mmhmm” You hum out quietly leaning up to kiss him softly again.

Licking his lips Shoto watches you closely as he slowly works on pushing into you. He offers a small chorus of praises as your face scrunches up at the slight stinging the unfamiliar stretch causes. The arm not holding him up quickly comes up to tangle your fingers together as he finally bottoms out within you. He leans down bringing you into a soft kiss as he stills, letting you adjust to the new feeling.

“You’re doing so good love. Feel so good already.” he mutters against your cheek, squeezing your hand tightly. “Tell me when you’re ready.”

Nodding softly you let your face relax as you take in a deep breath. Suddenly you're very thankful for his earlier prep and over stimulation as the small sting still rings throughout your body lightly. Peeling your eyes open you look up at Shoto, admiring the way his hair falls around his face. When he takes note of you looking up at you he smiles softly and kisses you. He rests his forehead against yours.

“Move Shoto.” You whisper softly, squeezing his hand.

Sucking in a harsh breath he slowly eases his hips back only leaving the tip in before pushing back in just as slowly still giving you plenty of time to adjust. When given no indications of unease, he builds a slow pace letting you feel every inch of him as he pushes into you. Slowly he feels your body relax against him as he rolls his hips into yours. His own body relaxes slightly when your mouth falls open and softly little moans finally begin to spill from it.

“Mmm Shoto, feels good.”

“Yeah? Fuck, you feel amazing love.” Shoto says grunting softly into your neck. He lets out a low moan when you shift your hips to wrap your legs around his waist successfully pulling him deeper into you. “Shit, it’s like you were made for me.”

“Faster Sho. Please.”

Biting into your neck softly he works his hips faster into yours groaning when you begin to roll your hips to match his pace.

“That’s it, good job baby. So good for me baby girl”

The two of you build a comfortable rhythm as the soft rhythmic sound of skin slapping together mixed with your soft moans and his grunts fills the room. With every thrust his cock kisses at your cervix filling you to the brim. The veins that litter his cock rub at all of the little sensitive spots within that up until this point had never been touched. Letting go of your hand he pushes his free hand underneath you pulling you closer to him.

Your eyes roll back as the angle is slightly changed and his tip rubs effortless against that little spongy spot with every single thrust. You bring your arms up to wrap around Shoto’s shoulders to claw at his back. You feel your cheeks flush as you look up to see Shoto watching every little move you make, from the fucked out little faces to the way your breasts bounce as he fucks you. His pupils are blown as his face is drowned in lust from watching you. He grunts heavily when your walls eagerly clench around his cock.

“Love you so much baby, so fuckin’ perfect and tight around my cock.” He states with a particularly hard thrust.

“Love you too Sho, feels good.” you moan eagerly pulling him down and into a sloppy open mouthed kiss. “Shoto! Wanna cum.” you moan into his mouth.

Nodding with a quiet grunt he pulls his arm out from underneath you to push it between the two of you. He fumbles around for a second as you clench around him again before regaining his composure and rubbing tight circles against your clit. As the added stimulation courses through your body your mouth drops open allowing soft pants and moans of his name to fall freely from your mouth. Finally he pushes you closer and closer to the edge of your third orgasm as he slowly speeds his thrusts up just a little more. Your legs tighten around his waist pulling him even closer as your walls spasm around him helplessly.

You look up at him, letting a warbled chorus of his name fall from your parted lips as you push your hips harder into his. Nails bite into his shoulders as a final hard thrust pushes you over the edge.

“S-s-shoto.” You whimper out pathetically as you come crashing over the edge. Your head tipped back into the pillows as your pussy creamed around him, walls spasming in attempt to milk him. “ Sho! F-fuck Sho.”

“Shit, shit that’s it baby, fuck good girl.” He groans above you rolling his hips a little slower to help work you through your orgasm. The feeling of your velvety walls clenching around him forces him closer to his own end. “Fuck ok baby, ‘m gonna cum, shit where should I?”

“In! Please Sho wanna feel it in me.”

“Fuck. Y/N fuck, shit.” He grunts into your neck as a shudder rocks through his body just as he pushes all the way to the hilt and begins to fill you. The tip of his cock presses snuggly up against your cervix as hot spurts of cum fill you. His hips give a few half assed thrusts as he finally stills above you, breathing heavily he lowers himself to rest on top of you still holding up the majority of his weight in an attempt to not crush you. “Baby, you okay?”

“Uh huh, I’m I’m ok.” you whisper, eyes closed as you attempt to regulate your breathing.

Pushing himself up just high enough to look down at you, carefully he brings a hand up to push a few stray strands of hair out of your face. Your eyes flutter open slowly only to be met with Shoto’s slightly concerned face.

“Are you sure you’re ok love?” he questions caressing your cheek softly.

“Yeah I’m sure, I feel good.” You say offering him a small pleased smile before turning your head to kiss his palm softly.

“Good.” He whispers leaning down to kiss you softly. “I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“No, it was perfect. I made the right decision.” You whisper pulling him back into a kiss. When you drop back to the bed you look up at him with slightly tired eyes.

“C’mon lets get you cleaned up so we can go to bed.”

He slowly pulls his now softened cock out of you watching as his cum slowly drips out of your abused little hole. You whimper quietly at the now empty feeling. Shoto presses a soft kiss to your forehead and a mumbled “sorry”. Getting off the bed he quickly pulls on his previously discarded sweats and heads to the bathroom. He comes back with warm wet cloth, climbing back on the bed he carefully works on cleaning up the mess between your legs and tossing the cloth into the nearby laundry basket. Grabbing the shirt he was wearing earlier he helps you sit up and slips it over your head.

“Need anything?”

“Cuddles?”

“Of course.” He says laughing softly. He quickly switches off the lights before laying down and opening his arms for you to curl into his chest. Once you settle he wraps an arm around you and presses a kiss to your forehead and offers you a hand so you can play with his fingers. “So worth the wait?”

“Oh yeah definitely. What do you think, was I worth the wait?”

“You are beyond perfect my love. I’d wait a thousand years to be with you.”

“Mmm that was so cheesy Sho.”

“I know, but it’s true. I love you Y/n”

“Love you too Shoto.” You mumble out.

The soft rhythmic beating of his heart lulls you to sleep. As your breathing evens out Shoto can’t help but smile down at you passed out against his chest. Everything around the two of you just feels right at this moment. Even when you would wake up the next morning with a soft ache between your legs you’d kiss him happily and say it was worth it.

#mha smut #mha x y/n #todoroki x reader #todoroki shoto #mha todoroki #todoroki shoto smut #todoroki x y/n #bnha todoroki #todoroki smut #bnha shoto todoroki #todoroki shouto #todoroki shoto x reader #bnhacity

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oh-mother-of-darkness · 4 years ago

Text

“Are you here all night?” Jason asked, “or are you planning to, you know, be a human? I think those go home sometimes.”

High above Jason’s head, a swarm of bats entered the cave, winding among the stalactites and screeching a kind of garbled response.

Dick, however, said nothing. He remained bent over one of the long tables on the cavern floor, examining a map Jason could barely see from his own seat a short distance behind, ignoring Jason and his sarcasm both.

Jason didn’t enjoy being ignored.

Fine.

“I have some tasks you could take over,” he suggested, in his least helpful voice, “if you’re in the market for an excuse to keep working. I know you make those sometimes.”

Nothing.

“I have some weapons to clean, if you want to do that. You could type out all my old cases, if that works, because I only have the originals and those are hard to work with.”

Still nothing.

“Take out the trash?” Jason tried. “Wash the dishes? I put a load of laundry in a couple of hours ago, but there’s a wool jacket in the mix, so be careful what you put in the dryer.”

Dick didn’t move. Jason was enjoying himself now.

“Write a sonnet? Map the White House?” Jason held up a finger Dick couldn’t see, like he had just remembered something interesting. “I think there’s a library on 8th that exploded a few days back, so if you could just grab the rubble from the street and rebuild it by hand, that would be great.”

No reaction.

“Whatever,” said Jason, “I’m out of here. Get some sleep maybe? I know the whole work-to-outrun-despair routine is your ‘thing,’ or whatever, but it never looks good on you. Have you considered—”

Jason cut himself off as Dick finally turned away from the table. Looking him in the eye, Jason felt suddenly and inexplicably afraid.

“Go on,” said Dick, quietly.

“I’m just… saying that it might make things worse, to shut off and—” Jason pointed at the mound of paper on the table, “obsess over this stuff instead.”

“You think?” Dick asked. “No shit.”

Jason blinked. “Wait, are you—”

“Did you think it never occurred to me,” said Dick, “that I might be spinning out?”

“I didn’t say you were spinning out.”

“Were you thinking that maybe,” Dick leaned back against the table edge and crossed his arms, carefully casual in a way Jason didn’t like, “hey maybe I, Dick Grayson, haven’t noticed how it feels to be forty-nine hours into a case and puking in the bathroom sink?”

“I didn’t—”

“Maybe I just haven’t realized why my vision blurs out and I can’t think straight, and it’s weird how this happens—” Dick held up a hand, and Jason could see his fingers shaking, “—if I keep going for too long.”

“I didn’t mean to—”

“Wow, yeah, now that you mention it, this might be,” Dick said, flatly, “bad.”

Jason glanced down at his boots to break the eye contact. “I’ll back off,” he said. “I’ll go.”

“It might be bad that I can’t sleep until I’m falling-over exhausted. Maybe I shouldn’t be taking all these cases—”

“I said I’ll back off.”

“Or writing all these notes or spending weeks on research, more than that on training—”

“Listen—”

“I probably shouldn’t be leading all these teams, huh?” Dick smiled in a way that reminded Jason of what he should have remembered before he opened his own mouth: that Dick could be very, very dangerous. “Can I get your opinion on that?”

“I’ll—”

“I KNOW!”

Jason stumbled back a step in shock.

“I KNOW that I’m working too hard!” Dick yelled, “And I KNOW why I do it!”

“Okay!” Jason backed away again. “Okay, I get it!”

“I work so I don’t have to think! I’d rather drop dead doing this shit than stop for the millisecond it would take to feel again! Are you happy now?”

“Calm down, okay? I didn’t—”

“I don’t want to feel,” said Dick, gesturing around him, “so I’m going to stand right here over and over again.”

“Fine!”

“And I’m going to keep shutting down because it goddamn WORKS!”

Dick turned away again, bending over the table like he hadn’t said anything at all. Jason stood frozen for a moment, staring.

“Does it?” he asked into the silence.

“No.”

“I didn’t think so.”

“Do you have something better?”

Jason looked down at his own hands and saw that they were shaking too.

“No,” he said.

“Then fuck off.”

Jason turned to leave, but Dick, it appeared, wasn’t ready to let it go.

“I’m alive,” he said. “I’m standing and walking and doing all the things that matter.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve had enough of— enough of asking for help and getting—” Dick jerked an arm above his head, still turned away. “I don’t want to hear that the way I live is self-destructive. I already know. That’s why I’m here, that’s what I’m saying, that’s why I’m trying.”

“Yeah.”

“Just… show me something better, or let me self-destruct.”

Jason fumbled awkwardly for something to say. “I’m sure— I don’t know who you’ve been talking to, but whoever that is— I’m sure they’re… trying to help.”

“You weren’t,” said Dick.

“No, I wasn’t.”

“You were trying to land a cheap shot,” said Dick, “and feel like you’re better than me.”

Yes, that was true. Jason wasn’t sorry, exactly, but he regretted it, and those were different things.

“I guess that makes me an asshole.”

“And a hypocrite.” Dick turned around again and leaned back in the same way, quiet, in control. “You never stop either… not since the pit anyway.”

“Don’t.”

“I mean it’s different, obviously, because I don’t think you’re trying to hide it. Me, I don’t want cracks to show. I don’t want all this grief and anger and— you said despair, right?”

“Stop.”

“I don’t want the despair to show because I want to look whole, but you—”

“You’ve made your point.”

“You want to look like a week-old corpse rotting on the concrete, and may I say?” Dick smiled. “Excellent performance. You look exactly like that.”

Jason didn’t say anything.

“It’s a world of difference,” Dick continued, “because I— I’m pushing through pain… and you’re pushing to feel it.”

For a moment, they stared at each other, and Jason found that it was difficult to breathe.

“I could yell back for that,” he said. It came out softly, more soft than he meant, as Jason shoved away something very close to shame.

“Do it.”

“No. I think it’s funny when people call me the angry one.” Jason looked down at his shaking hands again.

“I am angry,” he conceded, “but you’re just as bad as I am.”

“Thematic,” Dick snapped. “Get out.”

“No. You opened this book, so we’re going to read it. You’re right.”

“Leave.”

“You’re right, I do exactly what you just said I do. Sometimes I don’t sleep for days, and it’s not because I can’t.”

Well, that might not be fully true, so Jason stopped to backtrack.

“I mean,” he corrected, “I don’t know if I could sleep, if I really tried, but that’s the point I’m making. I don’t try. I don’t want to sleep.”

“I said leave.”

“It’ll be four in the morning and I’m slumped sideways on my couch watching surveillance footage I don’t need to watch, because I know when I finally drag myself to the bathroom mirror, I’ll look like hell—”

“Get out!”

“—and I want to! I feel like hell, I feel like goddamn Brutus in the Devil’s jaws, and I want to look like it. If I look like death, that means my pain is real.”

“Get out or regret it.”

“Oh, I know it’s self-destructive,” said Jason, smiling his best unnerving smile. “How could I miss it when I’m blacking out in stairwells and picking fights on purpose, just to get kicked around?”

That particular sentence, it appeared, caught Dick’s attention, because he stayed quiet this time, glaring from across the room.

Well then, Jason decided, it was time to push further.

“Let’s get personal, shall we? Why do I live in this fucking city to see you or him or whoever else is living in the capes this week? I’m not shooting for reconciliation!”

“Well?”

“I’m going to stay here and cause problems until every single one of you hates me enough to shove me away. How’s my performance, by the way? Is it working? I’d love to get your opinion.”

Dick made a face that Jason couldn’t interpret, so Jason chose to press on.

“It’ll hurt when I pull that off because I do actually care about you, but you know what? I’ll like that. Maybe someday all of this will kill me, and I’ll kind of like that too.”

Jason paused a beat to let Dick interject, but Dick didn’t.

“Your turn,” said Jason pleasantly. “Thoughts?”

Nothing.

“I like the aesthetic of self-destruction,” said Jason. “I’m going to look in the mirror tomorrow and see dark circles and scars, and it’s going to feel like being myself in a way that nothing else does.”

In that moment, watching Dick glare, Jason felt very tired— not in a way that sleep could solve, and not in a way that anyone could fix. No matter what Jason did, no matter what he tried, he could always feel himself sinking. He was empty and heavy at the same time, somehow trapped in place, unable to do anything except lie in his own blood.

A rotting corpse indeed.

“I’m not judging you,” said Jason. “I don’t have the space for that. I won’t tell you to just… change. I’m sick of hearing that too, hearing that I don’t have to do this to myself, that I am doing this to myself.”

Dick nodded. Jason wasn’t sure at what, but it felt like permission to keep going, so he did.

“I know I’m holding on to something I shouldn’t,” Jason admitted, even though it hurt to say out loud. “I know, but I can’t let go when there’s nothing else to take. I don’t have anything profound to say. I don’t… know what else there is.”

That was it. That was all Jason had, so he shrugged and stared down at the floor, waiting.

“I think if I stop working I’ll fall apart,” said Dick, finally, “and this time I won’t be able to scrape myself together.”

“Yeah.”

“I think fine, so I don’t have to keep going. I don’t have to shove away the dark and force myself through, but what would happen if I didn’t?”

“I don’t know.”

“I would be a shivering, hollow shape on my floor, maybe forever. I don’t know what I want to be, but I can’t be… I can’t be only that.”

Jason understood.

“It’s hard,” said Dick. “I always hear— and say, I say this to other people— that things can be okay. I guess it’s true, but does it matter?”

“What do you mean?”

“Unless I leave the cave right now and never come back, this is my life. I have an apartment and a fucked-up family—”

“Thanks.”

“—and I spend every night jumping through smog and the ghosts of everything I’ve ever done.”

“Saving people,” Jason noted.

“Win some,” said Dick, “lose some. How many times have you watched a person die?”

“A few.”

“A few.” Dick shook his head. “I know too much, but I have too much to leave behind.”

“I have a guy who makes passports on demand, if you change your mind,” said Jason. “He’s amazing.”

“Thanks.”

“Prints while you wait.”

Dick shot Jason a flat kind of look.

“What?” Jason asked. “It would simplify my plans.”

Dick half-smiled at that, and Jason got the sense that they were done yelling, maybe, for awhile.

“I feel trapped, and I don’t know how to fix myself,” said Dick, “while I’m still… here.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m just trying to stay alive.”

“I know. Me too.”

“It isn’t getting any easier.”

Jason thought about that for awhile. It would be nice to have an answer— something simple to say, some match to light in their common ground— but Jason couldn’t find one, so he shrugged again and hoped that understanding would be enough.

It had to be something, didn’t it?

It was the best he could do. There were times, Jason figured, to talk about breathing exercises and the mess of self-help books piled on his dresser, but he knew this wasn’t one of them. They could call it catharsis, he decided, and leave it at that.

“We could say it’s Bruce’s fault?” Jason suggested, since he was out of other ideas. “I like blaming Bruce for the shit I do.”

“You do?”

“Fuck off.”

Dick smiled fully at that one. “I’m not above it either.”

“Great,” said Jason. “Can I leave a note saying we blame him? No context at all, maybe on a single post-it? I think it would be really funny.”

“Sure.”

“I’ll bounce after that, for real this time.” Jason spun a finger in a circle a few times, pointing around the cave. “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“Yeah.” Dick tapped a finger against the table a few times, like he was thinking. After a moment, he pulled a bag from the edge and started packing up his things.

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, me too.”

Fin.

---

art by @doc-squash

#happy new year my loves let's all make it out together #dick grayson #jason todd #batfamily #fanfiction #doc's #mine #self harm #self-destruction #suicidal ideation #if I'm missing something let me know #dc (doc collab)

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jodilin65 · 32 years ago

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FRIDAY, JANUARY 29, 1993 I have some updating to do on that guy Scott I mentioned but I’ll get to it later.

The last night I worked I cut $94 and $112 the previous night. I sent Tammy 4 envelopes stuffed with cash. I sent $280. I’ve also sent letters, but I haven’t heard from my parents or Bob. I got postcard number 3 from Kim who’s been home a few days now. It’s a really cool card.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 1993 Today as I was doing my laundry (yesterday) I saw an ad. The ad said, “We need to get out of our lease and will pay $250 cash.” I called and met this girl Kathy. No, she was no butch. She was feminine, kind of pretty and with a guy. They got caught with 2 cats so they’re moving. It was a small 1-bedroom which is bigger than I thought. We went to the office and spoke to Paula and Judy. Judy said cuz I just began my job they may need Mom and Dad to co-sign. Then I thought about it and decided to wait till my lease is up here and get something bigger and even better. Plus, I just only began to get my act together, even though I plan on keeping it that way. I can’t be bothered at this moment with moving, what with the dancing and other stuff going on, too. I need to help Tammy, too.

About two weeks ago I met this really cool guy at work. He’s pretty wealthy too and owns a few businesses. He gives me lots of tips and he’d rather talk with me than have me dance for him which is cool with me. He has a connection with Capitol Records in L.A. Some guy he knows there to which he sent a tape I made. Who knows about that, but right now I have the biggest, best and most promising news ever. I think I got my foot in the door for sure. This is not the younger and naïve Jodi saying this. This is the Jodi of today who did all her homework along with John. John and I both talked to this guy named Joe who says he managed Civil Defense and Society Slaves under the name Mercury. He’s bi and his band’s all gay guys who he’d send into Entertainer’s Inc. to back me musically on a free demo. He told me to call an Al F Chicago where their main studios are. He said they only have one of their studios here, but if Al couldn’t book me here in PHX, he’d fly me and John free to Chicago. I asked why he would do all this for me. He told John and me, “I have nothing to gain, but my name on her record as she has talent and I believe she can go a long way. It’ll boost the company up, too.”

So John did some homework and called this guy in Chicago. This guy’s for real! He’s 100% legit! So, I spoke with John and Joe. Joe also spoke to Al and Al’s gonna call me. Joe feels this can all be done in a week or two.

Desperado Linda called last night and two nights ago. She called while Kara was here. This woman scares the shit out of me. I’m following my gut. No way! She’s just like a man.

I am gonna go listen to music soon and maybe watch some shows I taped.

Later…

So, it’s been 5 years and 3 months since I began all my journals.

I slept way too late today even though I surely needed to. I got up at 3:00 so it’ll be hard to sleep before 7:00 and UPS is coming today. I’m sure they’ll be here earlier than usual. If I only sleep 5 hours, then OK, as I had plenty of sleep.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna tell Laurie that I can’t stop her or Andy from talking, but that I refuse to discuss him when we’re together. I’ll also make damn sure I never say anything I don’t want Andy to hear. And he would hear it.

I haven’t heard from my parents since I left the message. They’re either not home, busy, can’t get ahold of me or they dumped me. If they did dump me, that’s their problem. Not everyone is just like Dureen and Art O.

Later…

I can hear that stupid little shit next door. I’m sure he’s enjoying his night off. He sure had a hell of a nerve being all sweet and lovey-dovey to my face last Friday night, while only a few hours earlier he cut me down to Kara. Kara said that if he asks her to tag along on errands, she’s not gonna just say no. She’s gonna tell why. He needs to get off the fucking pot which makes him so paranoid and go from A to Z. He brought this all on himself and I certainly need time. He can leave a million pleading messages, but I need a few weeks at least.

Later…

I am now watching Jenny Jones, a talk show. It’s all about women who like younger men.

I just realized that I can’t send that traveler’s check back as ma paid cash for it. I am sure it’s non-refundable. I’ll cash it and send it to Tammy along with other money in a money order.

I just sent Nervous a letter and tomorrow Kim returns from Florida. She’ll have 3 shocking, surprising, yet great letters. All with fantastic news as well as funny stuff.

Aside from helping Tammy with financial matters and going shopping, I’ll find out exactly how much I must pay to have my blocks lifted since I haven’t been here a year. I’ll probably have to pay over $100. Maybe around $150, but that’s no problem. Damn! That feels so weird saying that and it probably will for a while. I’ll owe fuckface phone bill money, too.

I still have not heard from Bob, so I have no idea what he’s up to or where he is.

I think Rachel moved back to Oregon or Alaska. Oh well.

I’ll first see if Kara can tape Gloria from the radio special before I ask Laurie.

Later…

Unfortunately, I am not one bit tired. I surely won’t end up with much sleep, but I’m gonna bust my ass at work and work my ass off (excuse the pun). Why? More money, of course, unless it’s as dead as Sunday was, even though I doubt it’ll be. It’ll also knock me out sooner when I get home.

I’ll need Laurie to bring me to and from work as John’s off. I spoke to John earlier and told him about my arrangement with Laurie.

I know Laurie sincerely needs help but is Andy trying to get us to be friends so he can come between us? Probably. However, Laurie is not going to be my “friend.” I’m paying her to drive me to help me out while I help her out.

When Linda called earlier I went a little funny on her. Kara and I were laughing our asses off. Linda was too, but I still have a bad feeling about her. Whenever she calls I’ll just read this journal pretty damn out of order. She asked why I hung up on her Monday night. Of course, I didn’t hang up on her, I told her to call me back as I had other stuff going on. She then asked if the other stuff was more important than her. Yes, I told her. I think she was half serious and half playing with me, but either way that’s pretty pushy, desperate and persistent. She also told me she refuses to give up on me. Perhaps this can be a really fun game after all. This is what I was gonna do if I ever got calls from those gay bars.

This girl is either sweet, gentle and sincere or a rough crazy brute. I just don’t know if she’s desperate in the right way or in the wrong way. We all take risks and chances, but I’d rather not on this girl. I’ll just keep playing with her which sure is fun. She keeps calling me “girl” too when I have a name.

I think I’ll send her to Building 10 across from me where I can still see her. I don’t want to send her downstairs as I couldn’t watch her without her noticing me. At Building 10, I can watch her more discreetly without being detected. She’s less likely to notice me or hear me laugh my ass off.

I’ve met and heard of other gay and violent women, but I’ve never been wanted by a woman who literally scared the shit out of me. I’m terrified to death of this girl. She makes me think of a violent butch (even with the touch of femininity) who is in jail and beats, rapes, and dominates other women. Only 10% of me feels this girl is sounding and being pushy out of good intentions. I can picture her making love to a woman, being gentle at first, then so suddenly turning into a rough brute. Out of bed, I can see her ask a woman to cook dinner. The woman says yes. Then I can see her ask the woman to do the dishes. She says, “No, not now.” Linda then beats the shit out of her. It reminds me of the night I met her, and Rena said she looked hard-core. Gee, I wonder why?

I must go read what Tina’s old apartment number is so I can send her there. She says her car will be fixed tomorrow. I’ll bet she has a truck like Andy next door does. Women like her love trucks and jeeps.

Well, anyway, I’m off to my next (paper) journal. With work now, I did not expect to finish this journal till some time in February. I most certainly hope and pray to God that during my next journal I cut my demo. I feel that I truly will. I’ll have only one thing left to achieve since I don’t want a kid or a girlfriend. That is quitting smoking as I can’t last long with cutting down. I have to either smoke or quit. I can’t cut down and stay that way.

I’ll also ask John about cheap motels as Andy’s sister and nephew are coming at the end of February. It sucks to have to leave so he can have company, even though that’s his right. At least I can afford it.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 26, 1993 Linda called earlier and I strung her along as usual. She’s just too damn desperate-sounding. At the bar, she was as well. She claims she’s still playing the field which very well could be true as that’s what most people do. But when she says, “I love you” after she leaves a message and says she’s tried calling 20 times, that makes me wonder. She’s also not that attractive in my opinion. She’s just too persistent and she does seem like she’d like to do much more than “play the field” with me. She also seems like she could be too rough with me or even violent if she can’t get her way. Maybe I am judging her cruelly, harshly and unfairly. I know I hate being judged even though I’m plenty used to it. She really could be a sweet, gentle, loving girl. But I’m gonna follow my gut and not take a chance on her. I’ll tell her she’s too persistent. It’s too hard to get involved even for one night after all this time. Time is also something I don’t have too much of. I want my space when I’m off work. My job and music are my top priorities.

I met a deaf guy who’s friends with Dave (a bartender and the one who hired me) at work whose name is Willie. John knows him, too. We signed a lot and exchanged numbers. It sure was different dancing and signing at the same time.

Later…

John’s turned out to be a really cool, honest and mature guy. He’s 100% sure I’m gonna make it musically and is already to be my bodyguard. He already is and he surely will be if we go to Chicago. And I’ll feel totally safe, too.

So what’s all this about Chicago? Well, let me write a few other things in here first.

I’m not speaking to Andy right now cuz he’s being a selfish stubborn asshole over a videotape. When he went to Vegas I followed instructions properly to change the channel on the cable box and it appears that what he wanted taped never got taped. He took a fit over that, then quickly dropped it. He tried to get a copy (Fleetwood Mac) from Mary back in MA and channel 10. He thought I did this deliberately which is BS, but anyway, I gave him money to help him out and it was over. I thought.

A few nights later we went to the cemetery and other places I mentioned and he was fine. The next day on his way to work he said he still wasn’t over it and he didn’t want to fight so he’d be in a good mood at work. He also said it was something someone said which I knew instantly was bull cuz I haven’t spoken to anyone about him. Nothing personal, only trivial, but I know he tells people all kinds of shit about me. So I left a bullshit message saying I got a call with shit revealed to me that pissed me off and that I don’t want to talk to him for a while. I also told him I wouldn’t wake him up or go in his apartment God only knows he’d fucking flip if I didn’t tell him that.

It’s pot paranoia. He also takes his misery out on others. When I’m miserable I try to hang with those that’ll boost me up, not go look for people to kick down with me. Things are going too well now for me to bother with anyone with an attitude like that.

Later…

Laurie called twice earlier. I’m sure Andy was on the line, but if he was, fine. The first time she asked if they were hiring waitresses where I work. I believe they are, I told her, cuz Diana just quit.

The second call was to tell me something oh-so-familiar. She’s struggling financially, fighting with her mom and wants to drive me to and from work for $5. I said she could drive me in, but John gets me home. However, if he’s off when I’m on, I’ll let her know. I also said I’d give her some food stamps.

She can make $5 extra Sat. by taping Variety 104.7 from 7pm-9pm for me. There’s a special on Gloria.

I’ll tell Tony about Laurie driving me in. Also, I’ll let him know when and if I need him.

I still have so, so, so much to write about, but I’m zonked. That’s good, though.

Wow! I just heard on the radio it’s to be 75° for the next two days! Ha, ha, Tammy!!

I called UPS today to clear up my address with them and her package should definitely be here today.

Later…

I spoke to Tammy today and told her UPS screwed up her package. It never came today. I called them and the girl there told me it’ll come tomorrow. It fucking better.

I also told Tammy all my good news I’ll finally write about tonight.

Later…

I had to stop to call Kara before I forgot. She may be over if Ashley shuts up and goes to sleep.

Now I’m really pissed at Andy. I need a few weeks without him as that little fuck never fails to try to come in between me and my friends. Luckily Kara isn’t Brenda. The whole time they were out last Fri. doing errands he ran his mouth about me, cutting me down. Kara tried telling him over and over to shut up about shit about either just me, or me and him. It’s up to me to tell shit about me, and shit dealing with both of us is between both of us. Every time she’d tell him to shut up, he’d continue anyway. Why doesn’t the bastard just write a book about me? He lives for talking about me like I live to be a singer. I’ve been really helpful to him since I’ve begun making money and this is how I’m treated.

He’s happy I have Kara and he’s happy I have this job, but at the same time, he’s insanely and stupidly jealous. Especially now that he’s in a bind financially and basically only has acquaintances. He doesn’t see as much of Donna, Diane, Velma or Laurie. There’s a great difference between envy and jealousy.

Later…

Kara came over after I wrote my last sentence. We had a nice talk.

Before I forget, let me mention a few things about yesterday. This new maintenance guy came over to fix my sliding door, which is still screwed up. Man oh man did he get personal. I’m pretty sure he’s all talk, I know I could beat the shit out of him, but I don’t know about other women. Basically, he told me how good I look, but was friendly. Told me that anything I said he’d never repeat, and shit that wasn’t important.

I told Stacey about it and said she didn’t have to say anything to him unless his mouth turned to actions, but to just be aware. Especially for the sake of other women, cuz I can take care of him myself. I’m not one bit worried about having to punch his lights out if need be.

I also told Stacey I am now 99% sure Robert was the one who shot the firecrackers up here.

Not only is Stacey nicer, but so are Paula and Judy, even though those two were always nice. I chatted with Paula real briefly yesterday as she was closing the model below me. I was ordering Chinese food and Paula mentioned she heard the food at Chiam’s was good. It’s the only good Chinese place out here. I brought the number and address to her at the office and she was very grateful.

MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 1993 Since I started dancing, several girls have quit or been fired. Several new ones were just hired. Brandy and Joy were fired for hooking. Brittany’s no longer there, so I guess the costume she lent me is now mine to keep. Maya’s threatening to quit and Diana just quit. We just got 5 new girls. Diamond, Pearl, Alexis, Chelsea and Dani. There are probably more whose names I can’t remember.

Diamond did my hair the other night. Better than anyone else ever has. It held up so well and the stuff she sprayed in it never made me sneeze.

Alexis and Chelsea are sisters and it seems Alexis could be bi-curious.

Dani’s so nice and we chatted tonight as it was an extremely dead night. Scott and Joe saved me, but I’ll get to who they are later.

My stomach is growling so badly, so I’m gonna continue after I go make a TV dinner.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 24, 1993 So far I’ve cut about $1,000!!!!!!! Boy does this feel weird, yet great. I’ve set aside a little stash I’m saving to send Tammy.

No wonder her package hasn’t come yet. I got a postcard from UPS to call them to correct my address. The name’s right as well as the city, street, state and zip. But it says “room 2475.”

I also got mail from mom. She sent tons of cigarette coupons which I threw out. They’re nasty brands and now I can afford to buy Carlton’s. I just now realized that. These cigarettes go fast too, cuz they’re like air.

She also sent an American Express traveler’s check for $50. Now, why would she send that? Plus, it says Bank of Boston. That’s odd. Anyhow, I’m gonna send this check right on back. I called and got their machine. I didn’t even know they had one, but I told them the best times to call me. I also told them I’d send the check back and that I’d pay for all their calls to me.

I’m getting too tired to write much more, but I slept OK pretty much yesterday. I think at 10:30 I heard a bang, but I quickly fell back to sleep. I slept for about 6 hours.

Tonight I go in at 7:00, instead of 6:00. Not only is Tony on-call if Andy’s working but so is Mary. Mary will be busy on Wednesdays, though, which is OK. I just try to find out by 5:00, so I can call a cab if I need to. They can be busy, unpredictable and undependable.

As I was sitting out on the utility box waiting for a cab by Mary’s side, Judy walked by my side and we said hi. Then Judy came around to the sidewalk even with me to continue on to the office when Mary opened her kitchen window. We said hi and Judy looked back with such a funny and confused look on her face. She couldn’t figure out if I was talking to her or to myself. Then, Mary came out and chatted with me until the cab came.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 23, 1993 Andy and I went to some dark, secluded and quiet cemetery. He’s taken me there once before. He did an interview while I was with “Shauna.” Then he got spooked because right after he smokes pot, he gets paranoid.

We then went to Fry’s where I got two packs of cigarettes, two candy bars, gumballs and these awesome stickers. They’re nothing like other stickers. They’re so small and they’re sort of padded. I put them on the sides of journals 4, 33, 36 and 39. They seem quite durable, too. I don’t really like the stars I just got cuz the tips of them keep lifting up.

After I got out of Fry’s we parked behind it. One guy came by to throw shit in the dumpster, then two guys walked along the back, then cut the corner to the front. Andy smoked more pot and he got in the car when he saw the cops coming. He reeked of the shit! He said, “Oh no. You handle this. You’re great with cops.”

The cop drove up to the front of the car and shined the lights on us, then I stepped out. All he asked is if we saw someone jump over the cement wall where we were parked near. We saw no one hop the wall.

So, the cop took off and he breathed a big sigh of relief as he still had pot in his pocket. I told him from now on to do it in his own apartment, or without me, if he’s got to do that in public. If he got in trouble, I’m not gonna go down with him if he’s caught with pot on him. He’s lucky the cop didn’t search his car. He said I was absolutely right and he won’t do that again with me around.

After that, we took off to some really classy office building. He wanted to show me this beautiful little mini pond with little waterfalls.

Then we came home and since we can’t make pranks, he called Laurie. The one who lives in Kara’s complex. She was pissed cuz he woke her up.

I like writing while he’s chatting with someone. Someone who doesn’t know I’m on the line. So, I saw Rachel’s lights on as they’re usually on late. I had him call her and I put my mute on. He mainly talked about a cute, gay male friend of hers.

After the spider incident, I decided to remove some of my stuff from my patio. I don’t want to ever reach into that tall cardboard box to pull out something and see another surprise waiting there for me. All that’s left out there are my two chairs, the white wooden table Fay gave me, the plant Jeff gave me, my broom and dustpan and my raft. I took in my photo albums. I also emptied out the two album boxes. This was also a good opportunity to junk anything I didn’t need or want. I put my tools and important papers in drawers. I threw out the two boxes, tools and papers of no use and those two furry rugs. I still have no idea if I’ll ever see the rest of my pictures, but I doubt it. I thought I could trust my own mother not to rip me off. Tammy and Dad would never do that, but that is something Mom would very definitely do. Especially if she feels I need to “grow up” and get over my celebrity picture addiction.

Well, Andy picked up my meds for me and also two old CDs of Linda’s. Simple Dreams & Mad Love.

Stacey absolutely made my day today. Can you believe I actually like her now? I do believe she realized she did step way out of line. Also, after I let her know who she was messing with, she’s been such a sweetheart to me.

Anyway, I was on my way down to get my mail when I saw the bed frame and other shit. I said to myself, oh shit, I’m fucked now and all the more I’ll never sleep. I asked a guy, “You moving in?” He said no and then I realized he had on a Vista Ventana shirt like maintenance wears. So I got the mail, then on the way back, I recognized the furniture was just like what they have here in the models. Stacey was there and I asked her if it was now a model. She said yes, but she didn’t know for how long. Obviously, long enough, or else why would they go to all the trouble of putting in furniture, wall decorations and other decorations? Hopefully, the next person in is Bob or someone I know, or they wait till after I’m gone. They’ll be in there early tomorrow, though so I’m sure they’ll wake me up.

What’s up with Bob? He hasn’t called or written. Is he on his way here? Did he lose his phone? Is he in the hospital? Dead? I hope he’s OK.

I still have much more to write about, but now I need to go listen to my music.

Later…

I sure hope I can fall asleep within an hour or so. Especially if the bitch next door or anyone setting up the model downstairs is gonna wake me up. I’m sure something or someone will. At least it’s 50/50, rather than all the time, but it still kind of sucks and isn’t fair. I’d love to find a duplex with thick walls, a pool, laundry facilities and no screaming kids. I really need to sleep solidly from 5:00 or 6:00 to 1:30 when Kara’s due to knock on my door, but ever since I complained on the bitch next door, she slams her door and bangs around. Not all the time, but much more than ever before. What does the bitch expect? It’s her fault for bringing in 15 kids.

I called the office to ask Judy if she could send someone up to put my sliding glass door on the tracks. She said they may not get to me till Monday, but that she promises to have them wait till at least 2 PM. Well, in case she fails to remember that, I’ll put a note outside for them not to bug me till after 2:00. At this point, I don’t believe Stacey, Paula or Judy would do this, but I wonder if maintenance isn’t deliberately doing this. You know how guys are. I doubt it and I’ve never had any major hassles with them, but they know I sleep late. Several times, very early they talk loud outside the window and little shit like that. Mike knows I sleep late and he’s the one who came up to do the filters. If it happens and I see a pattern, I’ll get them up in the middle of the night.

Tony, the gay guy who lives below Andy may be on reserve as far as getting me to work. Other than John, these cab drivers are totally undependable. If I do call, I’ll never request a personal. Especially Lou. Once he almost got me there late and the second time he stood me up. He also stood John up, too. The operators and dispatchers are screwed up, too. If I need a cab I’ll just call any cab and wait out by the road so they don’t drive by and get lost. Tony said he’s usually home at 5:30, so if Andy can’t take me, he said he would at 5:45. I’ll pay him $5. Andy’s working tomorrow, so he can’t take me, so I’ll ask Tony at 5:00. If he says no, I’ll call a cab at 5:00 so I have plenty of time.

As I was sitting on the utility box last Thursday, I knew Paula was coming cuz I know her footsteps. I called out, “I knew it was you.” She asked if I was going to work. I told her how screwed up the cabs were and she agreed. She knows where Sha Na Na’s is and said at least it isn’t far. That’s true. It’s only 10 minutes away.

It was nice to see so many women in there the last night I worked. There were about 8 of them. I noticed this very pretty and feminine woman sitting at the bar. I also noticed she was eyeing me quite a bit. So I approached her and told her I was about to do something bold and brave that I’d never done before. I asked if she was bi or gay. She asked if I was hitting on her. I said if the feeling were mutual. She said she was but wasn’t about to discuss it with her brother sitting right there. She told me she was a dancer there 3 years ago and that her name was Denise. I gave her my number, but she won’t call. The pretty ones never do. She also had been drinking, so she could’ve forgotten who the hell I am.

Later on, after she left, 3 guys came in who I’d seen before. They’re friends with one of the waitresses. A girl was with them and right away I could tell she was gay. She’s so-so, but maybe she would look better out of a smoky dim bar. She was a little chunky with straight long black hair cut short in front and on the sides. This is a typical butch haircut, but at least the long part was way more than a few strands. She looks mean and hard-core, but she’s much friendlier when you talk to her. Her voice is also higher, sweeter and friendlier than you’d expect it’d sound. She has dark eyes and I figured she was either Indian or Mexican. Well, she’s Mexican and originally from New Mexico, speaks fluent Spanish, is 22 years old and goes to auto mechanic school. A job that seems very fitting for her. Completely suits her. She even shocked me by telling me she has her own place and a car.

At one point we went into the bathroom together where we talked. She had to go pee, but on my way out she kissed me. She also did that in the dancing area (quicker ones) and I gave her 3 table dances and she totally drooled all over me all night. All the other girls say they’ve also given women table dances.

After she left, Jim (the bouncer) commented on how she really likes me. He also said he had several gay friends, male and female. I told him what I go for and that he could get my number from the bar to give to anyone who may be interested. I gave Linda my number figuring that she’d call cuz there is no real lust or spark. However, she may be an acceptable settlement. It’s too soon to tell after only seeing her for an hour in a dim smoky bar. I just hope she’s not rough and doesn’t want anything serious. It’s been a year now, so it’s so hard starting up anything again after all that time.

Anyway, I’d describe her as a butch with a touch of femininity. Or a feminine butch.

Time for bed. God, I hope I don’t get woken up!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 22, 1993 Not much happened yesterday. I cut $90 at work last night and $105 tonight.

A horrifying nightmare awaited me when I got home tonight. I ran to shut my kitchen window when I jumped away realizing I almost touched a huge spider! I’ve never seen anything like it. Only in pictures and on TV. I Windexed it and thank fucking God it ran towards the inside of the window. I shut it between the glass and the screen. I was still pretty freaked out. I never had such bad willies. There was no way I could sleep knowing the thing was in there and there was no way in hell I was gonna open the window and deal with it myself. I got Mike up here and he sprayed the holy hell out of the window and my sliding door. It had gone back outside the sides of the screen.

I have no idea if it was poisonous. Was it a black widow? A type of tarantula? A brown recluse? It was easily 4-5 inches in diameter. I’m afraid to ever open the windows again. Especially that one. I’ll have massive creeps.

I wonder if Tammy’s package will come tomorrow.

I really need to sleep long enough hours, though. If Andy’s up and ready to leave at noon and I’m not, I hope he still gets my prescriptions and tries looking for some CDs of Linda’s. I gave him a list and $55.

Kara left a message saying she picked up journals at the mall. I gave her $25 as she’s always at the mall.

Last night I fell asleep at 4:30 and I knew they were coming to change the filters. The other day I called Judy and told her to have them come after noon since I sleep late. She said that’d be no problem, but sure enough, at 10:30, guess who showed up? Luckily I napped from 2:00-4:00 this afternoon. I wish to fall asleep soon and get up at 1:00.

I got a gorgeous necklace and anklet from these sisters who sell jewelry once a week where I work.

I’ll write much more tomorrow, but I’m out of it now.

Later…

Hunter is on now and I’ll write while it’s on. When it’s over Andy and I are gonna go to the mountain.

Well, last night was chapter one of the spider story. Tonight I hope and pray is the final chapter. I saw it again, moving really slowly at the base of the kitchen window, between the screen and glass. I called Kara and she so bravely walked up, opened the window, crushed it with a paper towel and flushed it down the toilet. Thank God for her as I couldn’t stand knowing the thing was in there. Especially if it were to nest, and Kara said it looked pregnant.

Kara picked up 3 new journals today that are very nice. Now I have a total of 40.

Last night one of the waitresses, Diana, had on a nice belt. I told her to let me know when she gets sick of it. She said for me to let her know when I get sick of my cigarette case. I just gave it to her as I have others.

So, we got to talking and it turns out she’s an artist and went to college for it. She seems like she may be very good as she offered to get together with me and help me. She doesn’t have a phone, but she can get to one, so I gave her my number. She doesn’t have a car, but she says she will next week. She wrote down her schedule for me, too.

I’ve got to take my meds, then put on something warmer to go out. I’ll write later or tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20, 1993 Today’s Lisa’s birthday. She is now 10. I sent her a card and $10. I cannot believe she has not written since last August, but it’s true.

Before I listen to music and try falling asleep, I’ll just do a quick update.

I never liked the doctor that Access assigned me to. I have to call them and see if I can see anyone else (a woman?). Antibiotics can cause yeast infections as they did with me. I got sick of being congested, and the itching, discharging and being bloated from the yeast infection, so at 4 AM yesterday I called John. I figured the ER would be dead at that hour and it pretty much was. I went in as an urgent case, but not an emergency. If it were an all-out deadly life-threatening attack, I’d have called an ambulance as I wouldn’t have had the 20 minutes for John to take me. St. Joe’s is 20 minutes away. I was afraid to put it off any longer knowing it could easily escalate to an emergency and a bad attack where I’d have to call the ambulance. I was fortunate enough to have a woman doctor that night. She was kind and gentle and I was given two breathing treatments as well as an antibiotic, two creams for downstairs and a refill on my Theodur.

John, who also has asthma was very understanding. He waited the two hours I was there, then drove me home. Tomorrow after work, John’s gonna stop with me so I can fill these prescriptions at a 24-hour drugstore.

I wrote two letters to Kim and I have one to mail out to Fran. I spoke briefly with Tammy and Lisa earlier. They’re doing OK. I’m gonna be helping Tammy financially.

Tomorrow I must polish my nails and perhaps Tammy’s package will arrive. I sure do hope so. I’m curious as to what she sent me.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 19, 1993 Now I am gonna finish my updating once and for all. I spoke to Tammy on the night of the 6th right before I went to go audition. She’s been very supportive and knows she can trust my judgment. She knows I would not get into a bad situation. One can do this job and still value and respect themselves. I believe sexuality’s a fact of life and I’d rather see a guy go here to get his jollies off, rather than go rape a woman or go to a hooker and continue spreading AIDS. Hookers I have no respect for. I feel sorry for them. Just one year ago or less I sure never thought I’d be doing this. Especially years ago when I did hate myself and was ashamed of my body. I’m never nervous or self-conscious, but I am aware that I still do have some never-ending flaws. Tammy also knows I can’t settle for anything and that I need to save up for a demo. In the meantime, this sure beats housekeeping, babysitting or someplace like McDonald’s.

Since I’ve begun work, I’ve made about $650. I’ve put out money to get started on G-strings, stockings and other outfits. Brandy’s gonna be selling me a dress she doesn’t want. There’s other shit to pay, too. A $10 bar tip, $3 tax, a buck to each of the 2-3 bouncers, food and cab fare.

I’d like to get new 5” heels which I hope to hell I can learn to walk in or get my 2” heels fixed. Maybe I’ll get a belly belt. A lady who sells and makes exotic costumes is to be bringing in a $10 black wrap that’s so cool. So far I’ve gotten two black G-strings. I also have a flowered 1-piece outfit that glows so well on stage cuz of the lighting. Then I have another blue 1-piece with silver studs on it. I also have a gorgeous skin-tight red dress a dancer sold me. It’s plain red with a tank top kind of top. It’s cut way low in back. I also have a maroon silk bra with black lace.

I borrowed a G-string and top. This was lent to me on my first night, but I have not seen this girl yet to return this to her. It’s nothing spectacular either.

We can take everything off, except the G-string. It’s illegal here to strip all the way. This is why my proper title isn’t a stripper. I can be called an exotic dancer, topless dancer, or a go-go-girl, but I prefer exotic dancer.

Later…

I just called the radio station to request For You by the Outfields. I hope they play it cuz I want to record it till I buy the single. There’s another one too, I’m listening for, but I don’t know its title or artist.

I told Tammy last August that I sensed that January would be their best month financially and I was right in two ways. One is that they got their $55,000 settlement from their car accident in 1989. They’re gonna add onto their house. Also, I’ll be helping them out when I can.

The package Tammy sent out was returned cuz the box fell apart. She re-sent it so I should get it any day now.

She asked if she could tell Mom and Dad what I’m doing. I said OK. After she told them she said they think it’s disgusting but they respect my opinion and want me to respect theirs. Fine.

I sent Tammy a letter and helped her with the “asshole” drawing (she tried to draw a picture of an ass, so I drew one for her).

I also told her about a hilarious little trick I played on these people in FL who sent a letter to a Dan H that ended up in my mailbox. They mentioned someone named Claudia, having to have hemorrhoid surgery, etc.

I wrote back (as Dan) and informed them that me and my boyfriend were fucking happily, Claudia can claw her pussy, sorry about your ass surgery, have Bill screw it, and all kinds of mumbo-jumbo.

I’ll have to call FL information to see if I can call them and ask if they’ve heard from Dan. Until I get my blocks lifted, I can call long-distance from Andy’s phone and easily pay him.

This feels so weird, yet great. I look at a $30 dress and out of habit, I think I can’t afford it. Then I realize I can! I can turn my heat up, leave lights on and buy all the food I want, and have food delivered. When my lease is up I want to check out a 2-bedroom. Buy more furniture for the extra room. Maybe get a bigger, more powerful microwave. Blow a few hundred in the mall here and there.

I gave $55 to Andy to pick up some old CDs of Linda’s, but he never got the chance. Maybe when he comes home we can do this together. I also want to go clothes shopping at the Merry-Go-Round.

Earlier I gave Kara $25 to get 3 journals as she’s going to the mall tomorrow really early before I wake up. She’s got a great memory, so she’ll never buy one I already have.

She so quickly and easily put in my new paper towel holder I got at Fry’s.

John and she may be dating and they each have daughters and other things in common. She and Ashley came over here and I paged him and he came over. He brought us to Fry’s and was gonna wait in his cab, but after 10 minutes, he came in and joined us. So far, he’s really cool and we had a cool and funny time. Kara and I were cracking up as we were spraying different room deodorizers all over. Due to my allergies, I must get a mild scent and I was spraying them in different directions so I wouldn’t mix them. I commented on how one was really nice and she asked where and was sniffing all over just as this woman came through the aisle. She gave us a very strange look.

I bought her a beer glass, then I realized I could afford to buy a broom and not have to borrow Andy’s anymore. I also got a huge laundry basket as I’m sick of the laundry bag. I got a dustpan that snaps right onto the broom handle. I also got hot oil treatments for my hair, sinus meds, envelopes with roses on them and Band-Aids for any blisters I get from dancing. And food, of course.

I also got these silver, gold, blue, green and red foil star stickers to decorate journals and letters with.

The radio played the song I requested, and I recorded it. They must have caller ID which shows people’s names and numbers cuz the DJ said, “Jodi in Phoenix, thanks for tuning in with us.”

So, after I almost rammed John with the broom handle in the balls accidentally, he got to see the place, then he took Kara home. I gave him $5 even though he never ran his meter.

In the store, we were checking out CDs and tapes. John asked if we’d believe Rod Stewart was his cousin. Well, I don’t see why he’d lie about that, and the eyes were very similar.

Andy, Kara and I went to K-Mart on the 5th. Andy got a $14 Rayon shirt. I got 2 pairs of bright shiny gold and black underwear with thin straps on the sides. Plus, a flowered matching set of cotton panties with a half-shirt. Then I got 8 different colored pens which I’ve been writing with. Blue, green, maroon, purple, pink, orange, aqua and red. Plus I got a pad of unlined paper with colors of deep purple, red, yellow and turquoise.

Right after I was hired at Sha Na Na’s, I ran into Tara in the laundry room. She was so psyched for me. I was also laughing at the fact that she had the same pair of gold and black panties I just bought.

I called Tonya to thank her so much for the idea of dancing. I never would’ve thought of it and now I know why we were meant to meet.

MONDAY, JANUARY 18, 1993 Kara is here right now. I still have lots of updating to do (naturally). We are now listening to a recent tape of Nervous, Fran and I.

I just showed Kara this amazing, shocking and ironic fortune I got out of a fortune cookie. I ordered Chinese food a few nights ago and one of the fortune cookies said: You will never need to worry about a steady income. What a trip, huh?

Kara has spoken with Nervous and Fran. Nervous sent back my pictures. Nervous and I have had some good talks, but Fran’s been trying hopelessly to call me. Of course, every time he calls, I’m not home or asleep. I haven’t heard from Bob since the very beginning of January. I wonder where he is. Did he lose his phone? Is he on his way here?

Earlier, Andy left for Vegas. He’ll be back Wednesday night. Originally, his sister and nephew were coming out from the 23rd to the 26th, but now they’ll be here at the end of Feb. I was gonna stay in a cheap motel so Andy could sleep in my bed and I wouldn’t have to get up when his nephew decides to go berserk. I’ll look into one for Feb.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 17, 1993 Just got off work an hour ago and I’m beat. My feet are always sore by 11:00.

At first, I panicked, wondering if I’d get in on time. Lou got lost, but he finally got here and got me there just in time.

I made between $90-$100. I can’t tell exactly cuz I mixed other money with tonight’s money.

Last night I gave Andy $55 to get some CDs of Linda’s. Soon I’m gonna order this instrumental CD through the mail.

I finally got that Bedazzeler kit in the mail and I had a blast with it for 4 hours. I did my suede fringed coat, my black leather shoes, shirts, skirts and shorts.

Mom sent 2 packages. She sent a denim skirt and jacket. I really like the jacket. She also sent a flannel shirt I don’t care for. She sent another troll doll key chain, a ceramic elephant, another toy piano, and a puzzle. I gave the puzzle and piano to Ashley. She sent 2 bags of lemon-honey cough drops (yuck). I gave one to Kara and one to Andy. I also gave Andy these 2’ long green plastic palm trees. You blow them up like a raft and they have suction cups on them so you can stick them in your window. I gave them to Andy cuz they kept falling down.

Mom also sent hangers and 3 pairs of shoes. One was white sneakers with little diamonds. They were too small, and they looked too much like a nurse’s shoes. The second pair was kind of geeky, yet kind of OK. They were denim. The third pair I gave to Velma to give away to some girl. I don’t do moccasins and that’s what they were.

I still have so much catching up to do with my journal writing (among other shit), but forget it. I’m beat. I must continue tomorrow.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 15, 1993 The longer I put off everything, the harder it’ll be to catch up, so I’d better get on with it. Andy, Kara and I went to Sha Na Na’s which is only 10 minutes away on the night of the 6th of January Kara and I both filled out applications. She wasn’t granted an audition, but I was lucky and got one. They have 3 round stages and I did a song on 2 of them (2 songs) and miraculously I wasn’t one bit nervous. I got $18 just to do 2 songs. Some tips were even from the other dancers!

Before going on stage, Dave (a close friend of the owner who hired me), took me back into the dressing room. The dancers were so supportive and helpful and still are. They broke me in on some of the rules. You can move your hand by your privates but not touch them. You can’t do anything that simulates a sexual act. The law is you must put latex on your nipples. It itches at first, but it peels off easily.

So far, all the dancers, bartenders, bouncers and the DJ are cool. I basically keep to myself somewhat, but most of these girls are bi. I was shocked at how many are bi and some know I’m gay and my future goal is to save up enough money to cut a demo. This is all they know, but they don’t know my background. Dancers are very liberal and open-minded. I figured there’d be bisexual women there. None just gay as Dave would never hire an ugly butch.

It doesn’t have this competitive feeling there. It does feel like a tight group and everyone helps each other.

Of course, the guys can tip as much as they want, but they can’t give you change. They don’t have to give us anything for a stage dance, but it’s $5 for a table dance. A table dance is one-to-one wherever the guy’s sitting. On stage, you’re dancing for everyone. You put your money in your G-string or stockings.

My permanent schedule is Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday, and Thursday from 6 PM-1 AM. We are to be there at 6:00 as the day shift finishes up, then we begin at 6:30. I’ve worked 5 days so far. My first 3 days I got $65. On the fourth day, I got $126 and the last $84!

My first 3 days, Kara came up and rode back with me in a cab. Once I felt secure, I was on my own. I’ve even got two regular drivers. I feel very safe during and after work. The bouncers will throw out anyone who tries to touch us.

Later…

One of my regular drivers on the way home is John. He once worked there as a bouncer and he may be going back. Or be a cop, corrections officer or personal bodyguard. He’s flat-rated me $5 and given me his cab & ID number. Also, he gave me the cab number & ID number of the guy who he leases the cab from named Lou who drives in the daytime. Andy will usually drive me in. If not, I can try Rick (Kara’s dad) or call Lou. I’ve never met Lou, but John told him I may or may not need him tomorrow. I never need to call John when I’m done. He’s there automatically at 1:00 and he watches me till I get in here.

At the end of the night, my feet hurt, but I’m getting used to it. After my first night, my legs were killing me, but now they’re fine.

They now have a shoe repair service at the office and I’ll either have my black 2” heels fixed there or buy new 5” heels. The bottom of one of my heels broke off. It only costs $5, but it can’t be done until February 4th.

I’ve told Stacey, Paula and Judy about my new job and they were all so psyched for me. Even Stacey. I am totally psyched! It feels great to finally have a job I love and to be making great money. My future goal is to save up enough money to cut a demo as I said. The only alternative to sleeping my way there is to buy my way in.

The DJ’s name is Andy and he looks like a dark-haired, longer-haired, thicker-haired version of Jai. He also wears the same John Lennon glasses. He’s a bass player and he looks like one, too.

The bartenders on my shift are Larry and Greg.

There are 3 bouncers, but I can only remember Dave’s name. Usually 2 work, but on weekends all 3 work.

Some of the dancers’ names on my shift are Stormy, Brandy, Shelby, Ruby, Christine, Joy, Maya, Jenna, Corey, Keri, Rena, Crystal, and that’s all I can remember right now even though there are more.

There were these two girls Sarah and Jodi that got fired. Jodi was bi and hot. There’s Nadia too, and she’s hot.

Some girls use their real names and some have stage names. Mine’s Mystery.

Maya, another dancer is bi, and with makeup on and nice clothes, she’s OK. She said she has a boyfriend, but they like to stray. I told her I like that idea so no one puts strings on me. She took my number but told me she was not looking to stray right now. This is typical, but then I realized this is for the better cuz we work together.

The night I began working, Kara said she felt lust in two weeks, but I don’t. My top priority is the job now.

I may have forgotten to mention this, but I wrote personal ads to two bars, figuring I’d send them to the apartment below me which is still vacant. I sent it under the name Ashley so that if anyone called asking for that name, I’d know it was from the bar. Then, this feeling came on that it’d get lost in the mail or whatever, but mainly that I’d get no calls. I’ve gotten no calls, but with this job, I barely have time to have any good laughs. I do have enough free time, though, still.

After dancing all night, it’s easier to fall asleep. This job does knock you on your ass when your shift is over.

First shift goes from noon - 6:30 PM.

Andy will be calling around midnight to come over and play cards.

I was just watching Charlie’s Angels. I’ve dreamed of them bringing that show back and they did on a cable channel. So, Andy, who has cable, tapes it the 5 days a week it’s on.

There are a few women who sell exotic costumes down at the club like, lingerie, stockings, garters and G-strings. They bring their stuff into the dressing room. They’ve got awesome stuff at awesome prices. At a place like Frederick’s of Hollywood, this stuff would cost double, if not triple.

I’ll write more later cuz I think Andy’s about to call.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 7, 1993 I cannot believe all that’s happened to me. I have so much to tell. I am like oh my God, oh my God! I am still in such shock, but it feels so good. Yesterday evening I auditioned at Sha Na Na’s and got hired as an exotic dancer! I’m working Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday. I believe these will be my regular working days.

I have so much to write about that and many other things, but soon I must get ready for work.

Got a package from my parents with hangers, a denim skirt, a denim jacket, a flannel shirt, and a troll key chain.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 1, 1993 Well, another year has gone by and now begun. Another year I have improved, and my life has improved in so many different ways, but at the same time, I’m still nowhere and nobody.

So I’ve written during, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992 and 1993. Seven different years, even though I’ve only written for 5 years and 2 months and 5 days. On Jan. 8th, it’ll be 2000 days.

Been out on my own for 7 years and 1 month on January 3rd.

Well, I have to get Lisa a B-Day card. She’ll be 10 on the 20th. I’ll send her $10, too.

I’m sure that in 1993, I won’t have sex. Well, maybe, and I mean just maybe, I’ll have sex, but never will I ever have lust. Never will experience lust like with Ann Marie, let alone the ultimate lust.

I called Susie who told me to call her at Dennis’s at a certain time. I did, but she says she’ll contact me when she’s sorted through everything. She asked me if I want the matching chair that Andy didn’t take. I have no room for it so I called and asked Alana if she wanted it. She said yes and Kara came and got it. I gave her money for cigarettes for both of us.

My checks must’ve come in later yesterday. Kara’s going to be getting hers soon.

We crimped each other’s hair.

Sometimes I wonder if I should beg and plead for God to send me some lust, but I know it’ll do no good as we made a deal with Ann Marie. And I got two nights with her, not only one. It’s also so much easier for me not to bother. After being alone so damn long, it’s way too hard and awkward changing. Maybe in another 5-10 years, I could get another Ann Marie, but that’d mean I’d have to go to the bars, put personal ads in and get my head played with till I got lucky in 5-10 years. It’s no longer worth all that. I believe I’m meant to be celibate for a long time, then maybe have “sex.” I know God’s keeping the deal, cuz if lust was in the cards he’d send it to me somehow knowing I’ll never step foot in a bar again. There’s a reason why I’m feminine and am attracted to feminine women and that’s cuz I’m meant to be celibate and independent. Someday down the road, though, I’d like to (within reason) return to settling. I want to learn how to do that like most people can cuz that’s life and reality.

Later…

Earlier I typed up a letter to Kim. I haven’t heard from her in a while, so I hope she writes soon. Next, I’ll write letters to Bob, my parents, my nieces and Tammy. I wonder if my parents and Tammy tried calling yesterday, but hung up before the machine came on.

I hope Dennis writes to me, but I doubt it. He said he doesn’t like to write. He took off yesterday for Williams, but he’s not too sure yet what he’s gonna do. He may go live with an aunt in Washington D.C. Maybe work helping to rebuild after Hurricane Andrew in Florida. Or work with some guy he knows on a ranch in Venezuela. I gave him an address label and told him to get in touch with me when he knows what he’s gonna do.

Andy and Kara left me messages wishing me a happy new year. Kara said to call her in the morning.

Since we could never program channel 3 into my VCR, I taped Hard Rock Cafe in New York. It was nothing spectacular, but I really wanted to tape Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. They showed a little bit of Times Square and it was snowing pretty hard. Through the fireworks, I could see the snow. I also could tell it was bitter freezing cold cuz I could see people’s breath in the air very well.

I guess I really haven’t made any new year’s resolutions any more than I made any birthday wishes. My last remaining wishes just cannot come true. I just wish I wanted some other career as badly as I wanted to be a singer. I also wish I could quit smoking and be madly attracted to butches. All this sure would make my life near perfect. I guess God’s got to leave each of us with a few things we can never have or ever do.

I sang softly earlier and later on I’ll belt it out. Then Andi can listen to me for a change.

I put up two Gloria posters, but soon I’ll be trashing them along with 95% of my collection. My mom has already trashed about 60% of my collection. Once I get my other guitar and see that my pictures aren’t in the case, I’ll be sure to trash all but a few I’ve got here. I just don’t want half of my collection. I want all of it or none of it.

Today I may also color my posters and edit tapes.

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