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translatemunson · 8 months ago

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when my depression works the graveyard shift • ttfd

chapter five of the tortured firefighters department

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cw: fem!reader, afab!reader, no descriptions of reader, struggles with depression and anxiety, intrusive thoughts, reader is definitely not having a good day (but she'll be fine)

It was a bad day. Actually, more like a fortnight of bad luck, headaches and terrible days. You were running behind your PhD schedule, probably risking an extra semester or two to take all the obligatory classes. Your shifts were taking everything from you. Major events were terrible, but when the whole floor was focused on three pile-ups on major roads, two major fires and one minor power outage because of an illegal truck snapping all of the power wires instead of one major event, the overload of information was the first symptom of burnout. You’d leave your table and work all over the area and the white board to give the best instructions and estimates for your colleagues. But in the end of the shift, the feelings of mission accomplished would be turned into stratospheric levels of exhaustion.

No surprise you were worn off to the bone. Your place was a mess, you were too tired to cook and you stopped ordering take outs two nights ago — maybe three, you couldn’t tell —, you couldn’t sleep for more than three hours in a row because closing your eyes meant being close to reliving the last few days in form of nightmares. With the curtains closed, you couldn’t even tell if it was day or night.

When someone knocked on your door, they were lucky you were in the kitchen, drinking some water before going back to bed for the night. Or day. Not sure of it anymore.

“Brains. Open the door. Maddie is worried.”

And of course it was him.

“I told her I’m fine. Go away, Buckley.” You closed yourself inside your blanket.

“C’mon. You haven’t left your place since wednesday. What is going on?”

“Nothing. Leave me alone.”

You got closer to the door, hoping to hear him walking away, back to his own place, just down the hall.

“Ok, you know I can use the balconies to get in there, right?”

“Have you heard of trespassing?”

“I’ll say you were in danger. Also, I’m a firefighter.”

“I don’t care. Leave. Me. Alone!” You punctuated your words with the pauses. He had to get the clue and get the hell out of there, before things started to get too messy.

“Hey, I really have no idea what’s going on with you,” he kept his voice low this time, “but everyone noticed you didn’t show up to family lunch, didn’t reply, even skipped Hen’s birthday celebration. You better open this door, or I’ll find my way inside your place.”

“I’m gonna call 9-1-1.”

“And tell them what?”

“That there is an annoying firefighter at my place, threatening to risk his life to commit a felony. Goodbye, Evan!”

All that talking made your legs feel like jello. You slowly slid to the floor just right beside the door, holding your remaining pieces together. With all the curtains drawn closed, and lights off, you were starting to find the floor a little too much more comfortable than your bed.

“Hey, Brains. I’m concerned about you. Can you please open the door and let me check if you’re ok? I promised I’ll be in and out very fast, and I’ll tell everyone not to worry.” It felt like he was, even on the other side of the door, so close. “Please. I don’t wanna be the one having to take down the door to rescue your dead body.”

“I’m not dead, asshole.”

“Not right now.” You could hear him smirking as he spoke. “I promise I’ll get out of your hair, for now. Open the door, please.”

You lifted your arm to reach the door key and turn it. “Give me a second,” you requested as you moved your legs away from the door. He waited for your signal to open it.

“I don’t care if your place is messy. You should’ve seen mine after the tsunami, I had no energy to do anything.” He entered your place too focused on everything else to notice you were right beside him. “Brains?” He called once he didn’t find you standing.

“Down here, Buckley.”

Buck was on his knees the moment he saw you were on the floor, asking you “Are you hurt? Do you feel anything?”

He looked around your place: maybe not messier, but a lot darker than his own. He removed the blanket from your shoulders, checking for any visible wounds or anything that would potentially kill you.

“Have you eaten today? Any water?” For sure the first responder’s instinct would kick in as fast as a racing car.

“You got your proof of living, now leave.” You turned your head, refusing to look him in the eye.

“Don’t make me bring Hen all the way here to check on you. Food?”

“Don’t remember. But I just drank water.” You weakly pointed to the empty cup.

“Good, but you should save your energy.” He gave you two pats in your leg. At this point, you’re not even sure if he’s still checking for injuries or just making sure you are still made of bones and tissues, not just some ghost. “Why are you on the floor?”

“Annoying neighbor wouldn’t leave me alone.” You smirked.

“Not funny. I’m gonna take you to the couch, ok?”

Your eyelids were starting to get heavier by the minute. You gave him a nod, and Buck passed his arms under your back and knees. Maybe it was a bad idea to lay on the floor, now the slightest movement made you sick and weaker. He moved past your dining table, and set you on the couch.

“Do you have any symptoms? Do you want me to take you to the hospital?”

“No, no hospital, Buck. I’m just sad. And tired. And probably looking like I was held captive for hours.”

“More like weeks. What?” If you had the energy, you would’ve slapped his arm, but all you could do was roll your eyes at him. “Ok, what do you have in your fridge?”

When the answer to his own question came in the form of an empty fridge — beside two water bottles, a rotten apple and some leftover food you were sure had been there even before the beginning of his nightmare, you saw him put his hands on his hips, wondering what he should do next.

“I’m gonna go to my place, grab something for you. Don’t move, ok?”

“Where else could I go?”

“And I’m taking your keys. As a precaution.” He jiggled them, and your head pulsed. Now a headache? You never wished to disappear that much.

“Whatever!”

He closed the door and left you alone with your wondering thoughts. Well, it wasn’t a surprise you had a full mental breakdown, having a few in the past decade kinda suited your workaholic and overachiever persona. Was it avoidable? Maybe, sure, everything is with a regular sleep schedule, therapy sessions and some ‘I need help’ talks. Were you ready for that? No, not at all.

Your mom was always the first one to clock your “I’m gonna lose my head anytime now” moods, and now she was the last one to know about them. Your dad was always too busy with work to care about those, and being a single child meant there was no one sneaking into your bedroom to check on you. You always fought those alone, you shouldn’t be having trouble pulling yourself out of the slump.

But maybe it was scary this time because it was your first time having one of those after bringing people close to you. Life was lonely during college, your dispatcher coworkers didn’t get too much into your life, you made sure to keep the trouble out of the icebreaker topics when you were on the dating scene.

And now you had the whole 118 crew asking for you, because you were M.I.A. for days, and avoiding them even before that. That for sure was a recipe for a certain firefighter, who just happened to be your neighbor, knocking on your door and dozens of unanswered calls on your phone.

“Gave Chim a call?” You asked Buck as soon as he was back.

“Am I that predictable?”

“My phone rang upstairs, and I bet 20 it’s Maddie.”

“Busted. Ok, I need you to eat this,” he gave you a plate with a slice of bread, “before you eat proper dinner.”

“Ok.”

“I’m gonna…” he pointed to the apartment, a complete chaos. “Small clean up, ok? I just wanna help.”

“Suit yourself, Buckley.”

He opened the curtains, threw the empty takeout bags away, did the dishes and changed your bed sheets. He did all of that while you were your couch, trying to eat the slice of bread without vomiting.

“Do you think you can shower?” He leaned on the railing, checking if you were still on the couch.

“Maybe?”

“Ok, I’ll get you some clean clothes.”

“Already going through my stuff, hm? At least pay me dinner first.”

“Dinner’s gonna arrive any second.” He got down the stairs and stopped in front of you. “Ok, how are we feeling?”

“I can’t eat more than this now. Makes me sick.” You left the plate on the empty seat to your left. He checked it and didn’t look too satisfied with your efforts. “Can you help me get to the bathroom?”

“Sure. Do you think you need a stool or something like that?”

“No, I just need some help to go up.”

“Say no more.” He picked you up, just like minutes ago. As you opened your mouth to complain, he whispered, “Just like you said that day, I’m the muscles”

He carried you, bridal style, to the bathroom upstairs. He got you a chair, just in case you needed a pause. “Scream if you need help, ok?”

“Ok.” Before he left you alone with your thoughts, you called him back.

“I thought you’d prefer some dinner before,” he joked and motioned as if he was implying you needed help with your clothes.

“No, it’s not that. I—thanks, Buck.”

“Anytime, Brains.”

You kept the door a little ajar. Finally getting rid of your pajamas, you opened the shower and enjoyed some freshness. While you were busy taking care of yourself, Buck told you that he’d be finishing cleaning up your apartment. He tried to find the right places for your stuff, got the clothes in the basket, and made the kitchen look pristine. Dinner arrived as you were closing the shower.

You brushed your teeth — couldn’t even remember the last time you did it — and combed your hair. You looked miserable, but that would have to do. Maybe this would convince Buck that you were better. You left the bathroom and walked to your nightstand to get your phone.

“Brains, dinner’s here!” He announced once he saw you moving upstairs. “Wanna eat in bed or…”

You got close to the stairs and froze. No, you couldn’t do it.

“Buck.”

“Hey, hey, hey.” He took two steps at a time to reach you as fast as he could. And just in time to wrap his arms around your body, tears and muffled words taking over. “What’s going on, Brains? You can tell me, it’s ok.”

“I’m exhausted. I’m… I can’t take this. I am… failing. Everything.” Your hold tightened around his shirt. “I’m failing my classes. I can’t take the calls without long breaks because even a small complaint makes me cry. My life is a whole mess, and I can’t… I am tired.”

“I promise I’ll stop asking questions. Just… Did anyone hurt you?” You nodded negatively. “Are you having any alarming symptoms?” Same thing. “Do you need help?” A positive nod. “Ok. I’m not going anywhere.”

Buck did actually go somewhere. After helping you sit in bed, your back against the headboard for support, he went downstairs to get you some dinner. He ordered Thai food — some noodles and soup — and brought you more water.

You two sat side by side, and he started telling you about the lastest calls on his shift. A couple went way too hard on experimenting, a car crash with no deaths, a rescue on a cliff. You listened to him quietly, taking small sips of your soup until the bowl was empty. He left your dishes on your bedside table.

“You have been feeling like this since that day, right?” he asked, changing the subject of the conversation. While you were done with your food, he took his time with the cold noodles.

“Yeah, and I didn’t even tried to change things. It was easier to stay on the same track. Look where it led me.” Your hands traced irregular paths on the clean covers. “I’m sorry I made everyone worried. And that I missed Hen’s birthday.”

“It’s ok. They get it, we also have bad days,” he tried to take the guilty off of your shoulders.

“I promise I’ll do better by the morning. I’ll be better,” you repeated those words until they felt real. Because the thought of changing a ruined routine wasn’t enough anymore. Buck could tell you just needed some decent rest, so he let you go quiet, and he didn’t push you for more details.

You hate how you fell asleep too fast, too easily. This close to someone that felt real and human, and not some damn disaster like you were feeling. With one of his arms around you and pulling you closer, his voice talking about something random about his sister, you were too far gone to pay attention.

+++

He noticed when you fell asleep. He thought of leaving you there, but he was too afraid all progress would be thrown out of the window. So he got comfortable in your bed, with you close to his heart, and promised himself he would move to your couch in a few hours. He didn’t want to make things weird, but he managed to kiss the top of your head, very lightly, just so he could know the feeling.

When you woke up the next morning, he was on your couch, and you could barely remember much of anything after he arrived.

a/n: hi loves! how have you been doing? i'll have to admit this is the most self-insert chapter i'll write in my life bc something similar happened to me a few days ago. and it sucks. but i'm fine now. hope you liked this chapter. see y'all soon!

#evan buckley fanfic #evan buckley #evan buckley x reader #evan buckley x you #9 1 1 abc #9 1 1 fanfiction #evan buck buckely #buck fanfiction #evan buckley imagine

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neiptune · 2 years ago

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easier

c/w: 2k wc, barely proofread, established relationship, nagi needs a fucking break from existing, i need to get all the love i have for him out of my system somehow

Something is wrong and it didn’t exactly take Reo screaming bloody murder in your ear for the past fifteen minutes to notice.

It was already evident by the slight slump of his shoulders, the lukewarm greeting when you arrived at his apartment, by the way he excused himself after lunch with a kiss to the crown of your head and some mumbling about feeling tired. You know better than to follow him upstairs and pressure him to talk, sometimes he just needs to close in himself and be alone with his thoughts for a while. A concept Reo is not really familiar with.

Although you have achieved your fair share of successes throughout the years (he has stopped sending Nagi venmo transactions whenever he complains about feeling demotivated, he no longer shows up at your apartment unannounced and he finally broke the habit of buying you stock trading books for your birthday), you are still unable to control his anxiety and sheer panic that inevitably turn into scenes of biblical proportions every single time things get out of his control. Like today, which apparently marks a week since his best friend has not only been skipping practice but has also stopped picking up his calls.

Calls being an occurrance that takes place approximately twenty to thirty-five times per day.

So you had to spend half an hour babying him on the phone, promising that no shimmering football dream is collapsing, that yes they are still going to win the world cup and no he will not be abandoned by his best friend right at the beginning of their “very fucking promising” careers.

“You have to talk to him because he won’t talk to me”

“I’m on it chief, just relax”

“Don’t tell me to relax, he’s about to throw his talent away and live a miserable life as an office worker or some shit!”

“Reo, just take a deep breath and leave him be. I’ll talk to him if he wants to talk to me, maybe he just needs some t—”

“I swear to fuck if you’re about to say he needs time—”

“Bye, Reo”

It’s a good relationship, the one you have with Nagi. Just a little too crowded, every now and then.

So you take your time, get comfortable on the couch and scroll away on social media, finding it hilarious how your boyfriend and his friends always manage to come up on your feed in suggested posts and reels. You don’t follow any of their fan accounts but are guilty of having liked one or two fancams and the algorithm has not left you alone since. Which is fine, as it gives you the chance to forward some of the juicy content to the interested parties (mostly Chigiri: he’s the one who will get the most annoyed, has already typed back several send me another one of these cuffing season edits and I’ll block you forever). Isagi usually just replies with blushing emojis, the only one who always indulges you and adds to the fun is Meguru. You’ll send him a video and he’ll like it, leave an inappropriate comment and share it in his stories all in the span of ten seconds.

When you get up and head upstairs at last, a reasonable amount of time punctuated by a non reasonable amount of texts from Reo has passed. You half expect Nagi to be napping but it’s not entirely surprising to find him sprawled on his bed with a gaming headset and a laptop balanced on his lap instead. As you lean against the doorway with a little smile tugging at your lips, his eyes dart to you right away. He pats the empty spot next to him and mouths a quiet just one more game but you shake your head in reassurance as you climb onto the king size bed: you’re not there to rush him or demand his attention.

You make sure not to prevent his hands and arms from moving freely when you rest your head on his shoulder. You recognize the game as it’s one of his favorites, he always plays Ikaruga or any other STG when he’s stressed out. The ship turns white and Nagi moves it around skillfully to absorb as many white bullets as possible to store their power, in preparation for his special laser attack. At the same time, he does his best to avoid all the black bullets fired by enemies and succeeds in destroying an opponent with the same polarity as his ship but ends up changing polarities too quickly and ultimately fails to prevent new bullets from destroying his ship. With a sharp sigh, he takes off his headphones, shuts the laptop and roughly places it on his empty nightstand before the mocking game over writing can even have the chance to flash before his eyes.

“Sorry” he mutters, head tilted back to rest against the wall, one arm finding its way around your waist to pull you closer to him.

“For losing? I forgive you, it’s a hard game” you chuckle and his quiet huff tickles your forehead.

“For Reo. He’s been on my ass for a week and now he’s tormenting you”

“That was taken into account when we started dating, you two are kind of a package deal”

He doesn’t laugh, the stubborn silence following your joke prompting you to peer up at him.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Nagi looks down and meets your gaze.

“About what?”

“Whatever’s on your mind”

He shuts his eyes for a second. Doesn’t question how you know something’s actually up and he’s not just being his usual, lazy self.

“Need a hug” he mumbles and tightens his arm around you, annoyed at how you simply reach over to his shoulder with your other arm “no, s’not enough, closer” you can practically hear the pout as you hum and position yourself in his lap, legs wrapping around his waist the way you know he likes it. Nagi closes his arms around you and buries his face in the curve of your shoulder, nose grazing your neck and thick, white hair tickling your cheek. Your nails gently scrape his nape, fingers playing with the softer locks at the base as your lips press to the side of his head.

“Would you still love me if I stopped playin’?” the question is so hushed you can barely discern the words whispered into your very soul from how hard he’s pressing himself to you.

“Hmm” you fake hesitation “you mean if you didn’t have to be gone all the time? If I could see you every day and you wouldn’t collapse on me from how tired you are when we’re watching a movie together? I think I’d make the effort, yeah”

Again, he doesn’t laugh, but you’re not Reo. You’re not gonna panic about a scenario you know it’s nothing more than an innocent, naive fantasy.

“Lately everything’s such a fucking pain. They’re all on my back, all the time. If I score a goal and it’s not genius enough, if I don’t stay the evening for extra training, if I don’t give enough interviews, if my talent is just blind luck. Maybe I should just stop”

You let the words sink in for a moment, frustration bubbling in the pit of your stomach at the unfairness of it all. Soccer is the only true passion he’s ever discovered and yes, it may have happened purely by chance, but it still had awakened him. He’s started playing out of boredom and has then found a whole world of prodigies passionate enough to be willing to dedicate their entire lives to the game. He’s allowed their passion to motivate him enough to discover his own. Nagi has become someone who actually cares and strives to set new limits always meant to be overcome. He’s only truly alive when he’s on the field, doing what he actually loves and is talented enough to pursue for the rest of his life. You can’t forgive anyone who is slowly dimming that light of his, you won’t allow them to extinguish that blaze.

“Sei” you slowly pull back because you want him to look at you “yes, you are lucky to be so insanely talented, but may I remind you just how much quite frankly obsessive work you have put into it ever since you came out of Ego’s fucked up dungeon?”

He pinches your hip and you flinch, but don’t mirror his little smile.

“It’s been years, stop calling it a fucked up dungeon”

You roll your eyes.

“What I'm hearing is, you stopped having fun. Don’t let them ruin soccer for you, Sei. Every goal you score is a genius goal to me, never forget how proud I am of you. Just start having fun again, yeah? You should enjoy it, I want to see you enjoy it”

“Sometimes I’m scared I’ll just get sick of it” he leans into your touch as you stroke his cheek “m'not good at anything else”

“You don’t love anything else. They locked you up in a lair full of lunatics and instead of getting sick of it, you became one of them. You can do whatever you want with your life but would you love anything as much as you love soccer?”

Nagi furrows his brows as his features morph into a sarcastic expression.

“I love you. Even if you just called me a lunatic” as your hand is still on his cheek, he turns his head slightly to softly nibble at your wrist, which you retract with a giggle.

“The point being, I believe in you. Chase that excitement again, have fun, tell Reo to shut the fuck up and let you have a break when you need one. Don’t let them drain you, okay?” cautiously, you bring your hand up again to brush some hair away from his forehead. He shuts his eyes again, gentle exhale slipping past his parted lips.

“I have practice in an hour. I know you get bored—”

“I’ll come. If I can wear your jersey”

Nagi opens his eyes again, a slight blush already tinting the tips of his ears.

“But that’s embarrassing”

With fake outrage, your mouth hangs open in an “o” shape.

“Embarrassing? Wow, maybe you’ll get sick of me before you get sick of footb—”

“Never” he’s so quick to cut you off and take your face in his big hands, you don’t really have time to react. His grip is still tight, even as nimble fingers brush hair away from your face, eyes so intently focused on you your pulse taps a little quicker against your skin. “So pretty” he cocks his head a little, inching forward enough for the tip of his nose to gently nudge yours one time, two times “the prettiest. And all mine” he whispers against your lips as he wets his own with the tip of his tongue, still keeping you in place to have complete control. You’re easily deceived by the first, soft touch of his mouth, nothing more than a reminder of how how gentle his love can be. But then his lips chase yours again and it’s wet, messy, pads of fingers sinking into the flesh of your cheeks and jaw, the whimper easing from your throat stretching his pretty mouth in a smirk right before he gently nips at your bottom lip.

“Thanks for loving me” Nagi hooks a finger underneath your chin and lifts your face nonchalantly, as if he hasn’t just kissed all the wind out of your lungs “I know how much work that is”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way” you attempt a smile, still busy catching your breath.

Truth is, loving Seishiro does require some work. Sleepless nights, long trips, petty arguments when he’s too tired and takes it out on you, navigating disappointing championships, a mindset so stubborn and frustrating it has you clenching your fists, nails digging into your palms to keep you from exploding.

But at the end of the day, he’s always, always the Sei that melts underneath your touch and presses your body impossibly closer to his. The Sei that runs to hug you at the end of every single game, before entire stadiums. The Sei that will have your favorite flowers randomly delivered to you just because, no matter if he’s in his room or halfway around the world.

At the end of the day, he makes it easy. So, as you press your lips to his forehead and his arms tighten around you once more, you hope you get to make it all a little easier for him, too.

#blue lock #blue lock x reader #nagi x reader #nagi seishiro x reader #nagi seishiro #nagi #blue lock fic #bllk #bllk x reader #this was ALSO supposed to be short but you know what #idgaf #I am coping with a desperate crush leave me be pls

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alonetimelover · 2 years ago

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Fade To Black

pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

warnings: swearing, ep. 3 (yes, all that is happening here too), implied SA (nothing explicitly described), talk about suicide, angst, drugs consumption, feels

summary: YN loved Joel more than anyone ever. Joel was selfish and scared. They both made mistakes. They both said too much and not enough in different points in time. But it all led them to Bill's town and aftermath of what had happened, understanding something very important - love isn't always forever.

word count: ~ 7,3k

a/n: finally got over the fear of writing for joel... hope you like it x

part 2

“I love you, Joel,” she said, admiring his face - scarred, dirty and with wrinkles adoring his forehead and area over his eyes.

There could be - there was - no one else that she could love more. No one after the whole world went to shit. Not her ex-fiancé that got infected the day of the outbreak, not her ex-boyfriend she shot after he was ready to hurt the child - Riley - she was taking care of in the QZ. Not her parents, who left her when she was five years old. Not any of her foster parents - there were more than 10 couples. She couldn’t really remember all of them.

For years she had thought she wouldn’t be able to love anybody. And then she met Joel. And she fell in love.

“You’re good, YN. I think Joel’d like you.”

“Don’t be stupid, Tess. I’m not good for your job, I’m a nurse not a fighter or smuggler. I can stitch you up after a bad run but there is nothing more for me to do on your escapades with him,” she answered, laughing quietly.

“I think the opposite. Just try, he’s not gonna bite you, and if he tries I’ll deal with him.” Tess smiled.

He didn’t bite her. From the moment he saw her, he deep down knew - she was going to change his life, him. The breeze of fresh air that she provided in the polluted world he’d been living in for over eight years. And the smile she greeted him with. The little twinkle in her eyes, saying more than her words, showing him her true self, the one she wasn’t yet ready to show.

She was going to change his life.

And she did.

“You’ve become soft, Miller,” said Robert on one of their meet-ups. No things to trade what annoyed Joel, putting him on the last strand of patience towards this excuse of a man. “That doll is making you weak.”

Joel scoffed at him. ‘Piece of shit’, he thought. If not the thing Robert promised to trade over with him, he’d kill him on the spot. Or not. Two years ago he would demolish him, rip him. One year ago he’d disembowel him for all the shit he made pointing out. Now? Maybe if he said one more word about YN he would.

“You’ve got my stuff?”

“I have something better. It-”

“I don’t need anythin’ better. I need my thing,” Joel pressed, standing up from the bench. “Either you give what I came here for or I’m leaving, no pills for you.”

“Pussy whip,” Robert scoffed, not being able to say another word, having his nose now broken.

“My books, you have ‘em?”

“What the fuck, Joel?! What the fuck!” Robert was cursing at the older Miller, trying to stop the bleeding. “You fucking dickhead, you fucker!”

Joel didn’t have time for this. It was already 5:50 and the time to walk home was much longer than 10 minutes. He was going to bribe guards once again for not following curfew. But most importantly, YN was waiting for him, probably - for sure - worried sick, he promised to be there at 5 at worst.

“You’ve got 10 seconds to bring me what’s mine.”

Robert, still cursing at Joel, trew all the books that YN had listed to Joel over the years. Her birthday was coming up, and it was the only thing that he came up with to surprise her with. Plus, a trip to Bill and Frank for a nice dinner that Frank had suggested last time. Maybe he would find some flowers along the way to give her as well.

“Wasn’t that hard, was it?”

YN remembered those birthdays being the best she ever had. Better than the one where she got her dream bike or she got accepted to medical school years before the outbreak happened. All the books she’d already read were one more time for her to enjoy, thanks to Joel. She finally had something to read to the kids she was looking after at the makeshift kindergarten she had founded.

The trip to Bill and Frank, the flowers Joel picked up for her, made her forget about the pandemic. For the first time since 26th of September 2003 she forgot there was something called ‘pandemic’. Joel gave her one, normal day she didn’t know that she had craved so much.

“Are you trying to seduce me?”

“Is it working?” Joel smirked, giving her yet another one of the field flowers he'd been picking up since they passed the hill, strolling towards Bill’s town.

“I’ll let you know sometime. It may be.”

“Glad to know I still have game,” he mumbled, looking around - always making sure they, she was protected and safe.

“Does it feel strange to you? Giving flowers, celebrating?”

“A little. I’ve never thought I’d ever give flowers to a beautiful woman again. I’ve never thought I’d be able to feel anything ever again. Not after -”

“It’s okay,” she stopped him, knowing that the topic he was referring to was taboo. There was no obligation for him to start talking about what changed him so much during the outbreak day. If he started he would feel too guilty to talk to her for the next two weeks - it already happened once. “Thank you for doing it, I appreciate it so much.”

“You’re my guardian angel, ya know?”

“And you’re mine.”

They were together for a year and a half when that conversation happened. Conversation that no one would believe could be held with Joel Miller. The monster, the killer, the smuggler and the QZ fear-inspiring man. Tess didn’t know this side of him, nor did Tommy. Joel reserved it for YN only, not knowing when and where. Not really knowing why. At least then he didn’t know that.

She brought him peace he seeked since Sarah. Romantic and platonic love, he’d never felt before. Safeness, he thought, was required only from him and he didn’t have the right to feel it.

It was all a mystery. Man that could kill another person for looking wrongly at him or her, was almost running around the field trying to choose the prettiest flowers. The duality of the man was surprising even for the said man. It was also scary. He felt he was going to lose one side for the other, and he couldn’t let that happen. He was not going to be able to keep her safe if he let himself slip. Then it would be someone hurting her, or him doing it.

The sun above them was right at the zenith, burning their skins. The slight wind bringing a passing refreshment, made the leaves rustle. It was a beautiful day.

“Thank you guys for letting us be here,” YN spoke to Bill and Frank. “It means so much to me, to us.”

“Oh, it’s no problem, YN. There is always one day during the year that you have your birthday, isn't there?” Frank smiled cheerfully, kicking Bill under the table. ‘Say something nice’ was what he said with his eyes.

“Happy birthday, YN.”

And that was what he really meant. Because from all three of their usual visitors - YN, Tess and Joel, Bill liked YN the most. And it scared him. Somehow he felt the connection immediately, and after a year of knowing her - he thought of her as a daughter he’d never had. He slipped that once to Frank and it warmed his heart, because Frank felt the same.

“Thank you. Thank you so much, I couldn’t ask for a better way to spend this day.”

“If you guys want,” Frank carefully looked at Bill, earning a surprising nod, “if you guys want, you can stay the night. Shower, sleep in an actually good bed, have a drink. It’s - it’s our gift to you, YN.”

…

“We’ll talk over the radio, baby. I’ll visit whenever I can. I’ll find things to trade with Bill every week, I promise you. I won’t leave you. It’s not over,” Joel was repeating the same sentences over and over again for the last ten minutes. It was more to himself, saying he’d try and wouldn’t give up on them.

“I know, Joel. I’m not afraid of that. I - I’ll just miss you, very, very much,” she answered with tears in her eyes. She didn’t know why she was crying. Bill’s town wasn’t much away from Boston, they had radio to talk over with. It wasn’t the end of their story. Or maybe subconsciously she felt it was going to be the slow end? “I love you, Joel.”

“I know.”

“Promise?”

“On my life.”

“Joel! Are you listening to me? I’ve been asking you questions for the last ten minutes!” Ellie finally yelled at Joel, throwing him out of the daydream. Did it really happen the way he remembered it?

Hiking the same route he did with her, passing the field with their flowers, the plane and the little shop. Every step he took brought back memories. Especially that one. Those words had hunted him once. And they were doing it again. Rightfully so. He once again broke the promise to the person that meant to him the most.

“Yeah, yeah. What was the question?” he said still not all present with Ellie.

“I asked if they’re nice.”

“Frank is."

“And Bill?”

“He never liked me. Now he’s going to probably shoot me on the spot.”

Ellie stopped, “then why in the fuck are we going there? Do I need to remind you, I’m supposed to be delivered to some Firefly hospital? Joel?” She tried catching his attention, failing again. “Jesus Christ, we’re gonna die.”

“We’re not gonna die. I - I’ll just go up there without my gun, hands up and all that. It’ll be fine. You’re with me, it’s gonna keep me alive at least till I explain myself.”

“Why does Bill want to kill you?”

“I’m not a good man.”

“Yeah, no shit. Who is when the world falls apart?”

“You’d be surprised. There are people finding beauty and kindness even when the world goes to shit.”

“Stupid ones, for sure.”

“No,” he defended quickly. YN wasn’t stupid. If something, she was the smartest of them all. “Not stupid. Just good. There still are people like that.”

“So…that Frank?”

“Partially. He probably wants to kill me too, even though he once liked me. Or I thought so he did.”

“Is there someone else living there?”

“You ask a lot of goddamn questions, Ellie.” Joel had had enough. He already said too much. It’s going to hunt him in his sleep, as if he hadn’t had enough nightmares to deal with.

“Yes, I do. But, it’s the most you’ve ever talked to me. I call it a win. And,” she longed, smirking at Joel’s grimace. “I know that there is someone else in that town.”

He left that sentence flying with the wind. Was YN still there? She must have been. She wouldn’t have left Frank and Bill alone. Especially if Frank’s health would go worse than it had already been for a few years. She wasn’t like that. She would most likely lay over the wire for them to walk over her carefully than leave all alone.

“Holy shit,” Ellie exclaimed upon seeing the town. “Those guys are geniuses!”

Joel shook his head and opened the gate with the code that Bill had given him almost ten years ago. “Now listen, I’m giving you the rifle, and the pistol. You put it away, somewhere safe. Have a knife on you, I’ll too. Don’t stress over the words Bill or Frank say. Don’t attack them, on any condition. Understood?”

Ellie nodded her head.

“Understood?” Joel repeated, this time more pushing.

“Understood.”

Ellie did as Joel asked her to, and followed him two steps behind. It was crazy. The whole town was gated, flowers were blooming in their pots, flags waving at them with the wind and shop displays being tidy. It all looked like pandemic never reached this town, never touched this ground, infecting it. It was like the world in the early 2003. Or how she imagined it must have been before.

“Is that how towns looked before it all happened?”

“Some of them. It’s one of the nicest ones. There was a church nearby, clothing store, furniture one, too. You could find anything in minutes away from your home,” Joel answered frantically looking around. She must’ve been here. The flowers were taken care of, the lawns, trees and shops’ displays. It was all her, he knew it.

“Which house is Frank’s?”

“The white one, with most flowers around it.”

“You see that no one has shot you, yet. Maybe, maybe you’re not that bad to them?”

“Get behind me.”

They were right in front of the house. It was all wrong suddenly. The doors were opened and the swing on the porch was broken. Flowers in the blue pot that YN painted for Frank were gone, the pot smashed with soil surrounding it. Looking to his right he saw two new beds of flowers, adoring the freshly mowed lawn. On the left, ground was overcropped, grass around it likely burnt. Something happened there and it made him sick to his stomach.

He opened the fence slowly so as not to make it squeak. In no time he was on the porch, opening the door wider to get in. House smelled like oil paint and flowers, Joel recognised them as daffodils - YN’s favourite. With each step taken carefully, Ellie right behind him, he examined the space. It was clean. Too clean.

“Bill? Frank?” He finally let the words spill into the void.

“What the fuck?” Ellie said in awe.

Joel gave her a look, “stay here. Ya hear anything, you see anything -” he looked at the kitchen door, “yell.”

“What if they’re gone?” Ellie prompted.

‘There was no way,’ he thought, looking at the young girl. Bill and Frank were fine. YN was fine. He went into the kitchen not sparing Ellie another look. He needed to find them, he needed her. Walking towards their bedroom he repeated to himself that they all were fine.

“Frank?” he called, knocking at the door, and trying to open it after a few seconds. Locked.

Front door closed with a thud, making his heart skip a bit.

“Ellie?” Joel asked not too loudly, as to not draw too much attention to himself. “Ellie?”

He moved to the dining room where he left her, not expecting the sight before his eyes. Ellie held against her with a knife pressed tightly to her neck, fear in her eyes mixing with tears. Hands trembling at her sides, where another knife was near her stomach.

“Joel?” Ellie pleaded.

“Told you to stay quiet, kid,” she pressed the knife closer to her artery, blood slowly covering the blade, shallow enough to not cause any damage beside fear. “Listen to me or your blood is covering this carpet.”

She still hadn’t looked at him.

“YN,” Joel sighed, eyes big, looking at the woman who once shared life with him. “YN, baby-”

He took a step forward, “one more step, Miller and I’m sliding it across her neck. I’m warning you.”

“Leave her out of this, YN.”

“Don’t say my name. Don’t use it ever again. Ever. Again.” Her right hand, near Ellie’s neck, started noticeably trembling.

“Ellie, it’s okay. She’s not going to hurt you,” Joel tried calming down the girl, whose cheeks were already staining with salty tears. Her expression telling Joel to do something. Help me, Joel.

“You’re saying it like you know me.”

“I do know you. Point your knives at me, not her. She’s just a kid,” Joel almost cried.

It wasn’t his YN. He knew it. She knew it.

She let her guard down. Ignored the beeping of her alarm, informing her someone entered the town. She was too engrossed in picking up new flowers to arrange in the house. Thinking about how to change the pipe that was leaking under the bath, but also about the sink in the kitchen that must have gotten clogged over the last years that Bill didn’t have time to check it. Oh, how she wished he taught her more of his skills.

Seeing a random girl standing in her home, made her survival mode fly over ten. Just a young girl but in this world everyone could be a possible danger, a distraction for more powerful people. So she did what Bill did teach her, sneak up, threaten and get the information. She didn’t get a chance to do the last thing. He, he interrupted her. The man she had thought she’d never see again. The man she wished she'd never see again.

Just a little girl. Not older than Riley, maybe even younger. ‘A little girl, YN’ said a voice in her head. ‘Let go.’

She pushed Ellie away from her, making her stumble and fall on her knees near Joel.

“Hey, hey, you’re okay,” he assured her, helping her stand up. “Get behind me, Ellie.”

What could he do more? Did he still know her as well as he did back then? She must have changed. She did. He did too. There was no way he could predict what would happen if he let his guard down for even a second. But wa she going to keep it up when she was right in front of him? Right there to touch, to hug.

“What are you doing here?” She asked finally, pointing her knives, as he asked, at him.

“I need Bill’s help.”

She scoffed, “too bad. He won’t help you.” She shook her head with a dry laugh. If he truly knew her, the grimace on her face would tell him everything he needed to know.

“I need to talk to him,” Joel pressed, trying to take a step forward. Knife flying down just milimetres away from his boot. “Okay, I understand.”

“Stay back, Joel. Or better - get the fuck out,” she spat.

“Listen-”

“I won’t listen! Get out and don’t look back. You did that once already it can’t be that hard. Out!” She screamed at him, another knife flying towards his feet. “Get out, get out and go to whatever hole you crawled here from.”

Ellie started piecing everything together. She was the woman Tess briefly mentioned at the Fireflies building. ‘Get her to YN. Don’t look at me like that. Just take her. She may be done with you but she won’t let Ellie suffer. She’s too good. Take her to YN. Tell her…’ And then Tess whispered something to Joel, Ellie couldn’t hear. This woman, she must’ve been YN. Also the woman in Joel’s dreams.

“YN, YN, YN,” Joel was repeating over and over again.

“You’re mumbling in your sleep,” Ellie commented, noticing Joel sitting up on the worn-out couch. “Who’s YN?”

“Don’t you have better things to do?” Joel ignored his heart, skipping a beat. All those years and he still held on tight to her.

“‘What am I supposed to do? I’m sure you’ll figure it out.’ is exactly what you said to me. Well surprise, listening to your mumbling was the best entertainment.”

“Listen kid-” But Tess interrupted him.

“Where’s Bill and Frank?” Ellie finally broke the sound of only heavy breathing. “Are they here?”

“Ellie, shut up,” Joel said through his teeth, scared that YN would break her composure and attack her next.

At that moment he didn’t notice what Ellie did. YN looked at the old piano behind them, loving but hurt eyes gazing at the keys. It was the only thing in the house that was covered in dust, everything else was clean. But not the piano, and not the picture frame above it. A picture showing four people: Joel, YN and two men Ellie thought that must have been Bill and Frank. They all were hugging in there. YN and a slightly taller man smiling widely with Joel and the other guy sporting a hard look. Box of chocolates, half-opened lying next to the frame. One chocolate unwrapped, luring the flies. A vase with fresh daffodils next to it was the only cheerful thing there.

Oh.

“Fuck,” she whispered with dispbelief, earing a hard look from Joel. “They’re dead.”

At that YN trembled.

“What are the two of you doing awake at 6 a.m? I thought I’d get some sleep on Saturday,” YN laughed walking into the kitchen, where Bill was helping Frank eat his breakfast. “And you did food? Wow, I’m actually not mad.”

Frank smiled at YN, loving her easy-going personality. Her love for life.

“Surprise,” he said, after chewing the sausage. “What do you say we go shopping today?”

“Shopping?” She chuckled, choosing her own plate full of food. “Whose money are we paying for it with?” Absent-mindedly she reached for the cupboard with medicine, preparing Frank’s pills for the morning - the routine she’d been performing for more than four years now. “What’s the occasion?”

“It’s my last day.”

“Fuck,” YN cursed as the box with pills fell to the ground. Speechless, she looked at Frank and then Bill.

“I’ve decided. Last day and no, don’t say anything yet,” Frank stopped already fumbling over words YN. “It’s settled. No taking backs. It’s my last day and I want to spend it with the both of you, with the people I love the most - my partner and our daughter. So please, will you go shopping with me?”

“Frank, what? I - But - The pills, they, they’re working. You said you feel better, the back and legs don’t hurt as much as they did. You can hold the food better and - and the seizures stopped. You- you’re getting better,” YN was listing all the lies that Frank spilled on her over the last weeks. Hands still trying to pick up all the bottles and arrange them as they were.

“Stop,” Bill said, clasping her hands in his. Somehow he was kneeling next to her, a soft look in his eyes. “Sit down with us, we’ll talk.”

He led her to the chair she usually sat on, placed the food in front of her together with the tea from the herbs she grew in the garden.

“Pills don’t help anymore, YN. They never did. I’m sorry that I’ve been lying to you but - I don’t know. I love seeing you happy after all that happened to you. And my ‘recovery’ was somehow bringing the smile on your face back. It - it was selfish of me. I know. I blame myself every day for it. And I am sorry.” Frank took a pause to dry the tears of his cheeks. “I want you to spend this day with me the way I want it to be. Nothing crazy. Please,” he almost begged.

She just nodded her head. No way she would be able to speak for the next couple of hours.

And she didn't. Silently she helped Frank and Bill choose the suits and a dress for herself. Next she went to the garden and picked the vegetables for dinner that Bill was about to make. ‘Something special’, he assured her with a little smile, quickly disappearing in the kitchen. She picked up the meat from the shed and a few fruits for the dessert. If it was going to be Frank’s last day, it needed to be eventful and near perfect.

“What’s he cookin’?” YN asked Frank, fidgeting with the dress. It was the first time wearing something like it since 2003. It felt foreign. She spoke for the first time since the morning.

“Wouldn’t tell me but it’s not the time to eat, yet. I have a request.”

“Well, anything you want.”

“I - We want you to officiate our marriage. I know it’s illegal and it doesn’t fucking matter in this world but - I’ve always wanted to get married. It was my dream from way back. Can you?” Frank squeezed YN’s hand, as hard as he could (she didn't feel anything, Frank being that weak).

“Okay.”

It was perfect. It couldn’t be more perfect. Bill and Frank all suited up set together near the piano with YN standing before them with a terrible (Bill said so himself with a laugh) speech prepared. Tears, happy tears streaming down her face with each word spilling out of her mouth. Her friends - her dads - were doing what society even it its lowest wouldn’t allow them to do. But in a true Bill and Frank’s way they say ‘fuck it’ and live the way they want it. Even if it's only for a day.

“You may kiss the bri- fuck - groom. You may kiss the groom.”

“I can be a bride,” Frank giggled, softly pecking Bill’s lips. “Always wanted to know how it would be to have a wedding and the ‘you may kiss the bride’ moment. Not bad, not bad.”

“I’m considering divorce,” grumbled Bill, but smirking nonetheless.

“I’m not officiating that. That’s for sure.”

And somehow after having a laugh about it, the air around them got heavier, thicker. The realisation of what was about to happen in the next three or so hours consumed them. Mostly YN. Frank wanted it more than anything else. Bill, well Bill like always was an enigma.

“Is this what you cooked for him the first time?” YN asked, while they were eating the delicious dinner that Bill prepared.

“It is. My best pig for a stranger.” Bill shook his head.

“Love of your life,” Frank corrected. “You knew it back then. I know it.”

Bill just smiled, he did know it. As much as they argued through all the years they’d been together Frank indeed was the love of his life.

YN was watching them, a tiny smile adoring her face. She hated it. She hated this day. More than the one when Joel left her. More than the one when he stopped radioing back. More than the one when she understood he hadn’t really loved her. But if she couldn’t experience the love she’d been seeing in front of her for herself, she was glad she was able to see Bill and Frank do.

Bill came into the room with two bottles of wine.

“I saved the rest of the one we drank that day,” Bill announced. “You don’t mind I share it with Frank, and I’ll unscrew the one you like?”

“Not at all. All yours. I’m not particularly happy about drinking a century year old opened wine.”

“Nothing for me to fear. And you, love, are going to have a nurse just for yourself.” Frank smiled.

Bill poured the wine into the glasses, no emotion on his face. Two glasses of red and one of white which was immediately placed in front of YN. Sitting back, Bill took a long breath, shaking his head from left to right. He pulled out the bag full of crushed pills from his shirt’s pocket. Not giving them a second glance, he put them in one of the wine glasses. Stirred it with a teaspoon and slided towards Frank.

“Will it be enough?” Frank whispered.

“YN measured. Enough to do the job painlessly.”

“You’ll just fall asleep like any other night. Just - just a little bit quicker and -” YN breathed shakily. “For a bit longer.”

With two hands on the glass, Frank looked at Bill with sorrow. But his eyes, his eyes were saying ‘don’t you be sad, it’s all going to be okay. We’ll be together again.’ Then he swung the glass, and drank the drugged wine to the last drop. Bill was watching him with care, slightly absent.

When Frank’s glass hit the table, Bill mimicked his husband. Look, swing, drink, put down. Done.

‘He did it,’ thought YN, looking frantically between the two lovers. She shouldn’t have been surprised, Bill couldn’t live without Frank.

“Were there already pills in the bottle?” asked Frank, ignoring YN’s sobs across from him, paying attention only to Bill.

“Enough to kill a horse. I - I trebled the dose YN told me to use.” Bill pointed at YN, looking quite sorry for not telling her his plan. “This isn’t a tragic suicide at the end of the play. I’m old. I’m satisfied. And you,” his voice started breaking. “You were my purpose.”

“I do not support this,” Frank sighed, eyeing Bill and his vulnerable state. “I should be furious. But from an objective point of view-” he reached for Bill’s hand - “it’s incredibly romantic.”

And they laughed. They laughed because they were going to leave this fucked up world on their own terms. No one was going to take that away from them. They spent amazing years with each other, they loved and hated each other at the same time. They were family. And no one could change that.

“YN,” Frank sighed, looking at the woman he thought of as his own daughter. “YN, please look at us.”

She lifted her head, tear-stained cheeks coming into the view, red puffy eyes and trembling bottom lip. How could it be that she was losing the last people she loved?

“I have one more request.”

YN just nodded her head, not trusting herself to speak.

“Will you play for us? For the last time?”

“Anything you want.”

Slowly all of them moved to the other room when the piano stood. YN helped Bill sit Frank down on the couch, fixing up the cushions to make him comfortable. When Bill sat next to his husband, hand squeezing his, fulfilled smiles on their faces.

“Love will abide,” she started, a teary voice sounding not as good as she wished for. “Take things in stride.”

Bill placed his head on Frank’s shoulder, earning a loving kiss there. It felt like a full circle moment. They came back to the place where they’d started. This room, a piano and the song. The melody of the instrument, delicate and yearning, flying in the air like feathers. YN’s words slowly fading in the void, filling the emptiness that looked to welcome them into. Each second passing, pushing them forward towards the little speckle of light, getting closer and closer. Her beautiful voice accompanying them till the moment it seemed to be miles away.

“And I think I’m gonna miss you, for a long, long time.” She finished singing, not being able to say the last lines. The piano notes getting more silent with the song coming to an end. “I love you, dads.”

With that beautiful ending of the song, they exhaled silently. Their joined hands touched the light, making it surround them with a warm feeling. ‘So that's how it feels.’

Later that night, when she composed herself, YN found Bill’s letter. He asked her to bury their bodies together in front of the house ‘so we’ll be able to protect you’, with flower beds over them ‘no crosses, it’s not gonna be a damn graveyard.’ So she did as he asked, and then one more. ‘Call Joel. Take him or shoot him, I trust your judgement.’

And late that night, she played the 80s on the radio, hoping he’d come. Maybe hearing the song they loved could bring him back to her. Maybe he still cared. ‘He’ll come. He must have loved you once.’

She waited days. Weeks. And months.

He didn’t come.

“YN, I’m so-”

“Oh, no. You can’t be saying it, for fuck’s sake! Fuck you, Joel! Fuck you!” she screamed, pointing a warning finger at him. “You fucking don’t deserve to say those words. They mean nothing. Nothing! You hear me? There is nothing for you to say to me! Nothing to say, to do, not even to think! I don’t want you to even think about me, about them. You don’t deserve it.” She spat the last sentence, standing straight.

“Listen to me, please.”

“Listen to you? Listen to you?” She repeated with a scoff. “Jesus fucking Christ! You’re unbelievable. You want me to listen to you? That’s rich coming from you, Joel. You left me here, promised to radio, visit, remember. You broke each of the promises you made. Each of them!”

“You don’t know it. I never stopped thinking of you. I could never-”

“Stop talking.”

“I could never forget you, YN.”

“Stop.”

“I made mistakes and I am sorry for them. But- but I could never forget you. Never.”

“Fucking stop!” she screamed at the top of her lungs. She had had enough. He couldn’t come back to her life and try to be in it like years ago. “How many times did I play 80s for you?”

“YN-”

“How many times?” she pressed, taking a few steps forward, standing right in front of Joel. He stayed quiet. “Four times. I played them four times!” She nudged his chest four times, pushing him back at the end.

“Hey!” Ellie yelled, but got silenced by Joel’s hand going up in the way of saying ‘it’s okay, I can handle it.’

The anger suddenly left her, being replaced with anguish and grief.

“Two weeks after you left me. Raiders came. Bill got shot. I- I got shot. I thought I was going to die, I thought it was the end and the only thing in my mind was you. I could only think about your damn face,” she stressed, now petting his chest. “Remember what you said when you left?”

He did remember now. It was hounding him in his dreams. Over and over again. Each night waking up with the same word on the mouth: promise.

“Why are you leaving? Frank said you can stay, there’s enough space for both of us. We can start fresh. Right here, Joel. New beginning,” YN whispered to her partner, shaking hands straightening his flannel shirt.

“I can’t. I can’t live this life. Not yet at least. I’m not good enough for it.”

“Not good enough? Joel, my love,” she sighed, pecking his cheek. “We’ve changed since all of this happened. You did, I did. This is our chance to come back to some state of what was before. Don’t you want it?”

“It can’t be like before, don’t you understand? It can’t be.” He shook his head. “It’s not for me.”

“So, you’re breaking up with me?”

“No,” he protested immediately. “Absolutely not.” Joel put his hands on her cheek, looking into her eyes for the first time since starting this conversation. “You’re my light at the end. You’re my present and future, yeah? I care about you and I need you. I- I just can’t be the man you want. I can’t stay here pretending like the world didn’t go to shit. I can’t. Tommy needs me. I don’t belong to this life anymore.”

“It sounds like a goodbye,” she sobbed.

“It’s not.” He brushed the tears away. “It's ‘see you later’, yeah? I ain’t leaving you for good. I’ll come back in no time to visit, I’ll radio you. I- I traded some things for a book with Billboard’s Number 1 hits or some shit. I’ll know everything you want to say. Do you believe me?”

She nodded her head. “I do.”

“I’ll be back. Promise.”

Promise.

“‘I’ll be back. Promise.’ You repeated that five times to me. ‘It’s okay.’ ‘I’ll be back.’ ‘In no time.’ I shouldn’t have been surprised after all the lies you’d told me, should I? It was just another one and little, naive YN believed the man because she was so in love with him,” YN scoffed. “Frank played the 80s for a week, waiting for you to come back. They were sure I wasn’t gonna make it. I still don’t know why I did.”

“Can I say something now?”

She ignored his question, “then Frank got worse. I radioed you, needing more pills to ease the pain. He was suffering so badly.”

That month when Frank needed to live without any medication was probably the worst for anybody in a household. He screamed from the spasms that didn’t give him a moment to shut an eye. He gritted his teeth when YN tried to massage his sore back that was slowly unnaturally contorting. Days after days he became weaker, pain getting harder to deal with. It was the first time he asked YN to use something on him to end it permanently. She knew she couldn’t do it so she ran. She ran in search for any medication that she thought could help with the condition that was slowly developing.

After three days of travelling she stumbled upon a little town - Hardwick - where people weren’t as nice as she had thought they’d be. She traded what she had left on herself - family necklace, last portion of food, her boots and much more that she made herself forget about. The most important was - she got the pills.

Barefoot and almost frozen to death she came back home. She didn’t let Bill take care of her frostbites, wounds those people had caused or a gash on her thigh that was still bleeding. She needed to help Frank. She portioned the pills by milligrams she loosely counted based on his weight and moved it to the box labelled as ‘Frank’s drugs’.

“It’s going to be okay,” she said through her teeth clanking against each other. “It’s going to help you, Frank. You’re going to be okay. I’m sorry it took me so long. I am so sorry,” she cried.

They helped. Not immediately, but they did. Slowly Frank regained the better part of his strength back and accepted the fact that he was going to need a wheelchair. But YN. She never was the same after what happened in Hardwick.

“I got the pills. I got them for -” she paused, remembering the scenes from the shed she was thrown into, the screams, pain and disgust of her own body, making her want to throw up. “Doesn’t matter how. For the whole week I wasn’t here, Bill was playing 80s on the radio. Over and over, waiting for you to come back. He was desperate. Bill never was the one to ask for help and when the one time he was ready to do it - he got stood up.”

Joel felt the guilt. For years he’d felt it. Today, it was just unusually real. After all, the biggest mistake and regret of his life needed to catch up with him. Looking at her red face, tear-stained cheeks and hollow gaze, he deep down knew there was no going back, no chance of going back to how things were years ago.

“I understand that my apology means nothing to you. I -”

“The third time,” she began another story, now sitting at the table. “I just missed you. It was your birthday, it was Sarah’s memorial and I- I really needed to know if you were okay. I feared you were taking those fucking pills and swallowing them with scotch. I feared you were going to try it again. I feared for your life. I feared you were leaving for good. I played Fade To Black knowing that if you were listening you would show up. It was yours - Sarah and your - favourite song, the only one you agreed on staying on the radio. So when after a few days you didn’t come, I knew you were gone. Gone from the life we once shared.”

“You’re spending awfully long hours next to the window, sweetheart,” said Frank one afternoon.

“Huh?”

“And with a head above the clouds, dreamers.” He shook his head teasingly. “What’s bothering you?”

She sighed, “I radioed him. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have.”

“It’s not that you shouldn’t have. By doing so you’re just letting him break you more, hurting you.”

“You think he’s doing it on purpose?” YN wondered.

“I don’t know.”

“He probably forgot, right? It’s been, what? Almost two years. He must have.”

“It’s not that easy to forget you, YN. I don’t think it’s even possible to do so.” Frank smiled, moving closer to her, clasping her hands in his and giving them a chaste kiss. “Impossible, really.”

“Then why?”

“I really don’t know. I wish I could tell you, I wish that I had an answer that would make you happy, that would give you some kind of a confirmation, an all clear. But I don’t have it. I just know that I appreciate you so much, and Bill and I love you. I know it’s not the same, but just know -” he squeezed her hands once more. “You are not alone.”

Placing her head on Frank’s hands, shaking with sobs, she tried to forget the man she loved.

“And I wasn’t supposed to contact you ever again. But then Bill’s last wish was partially doing it. And I did. And here you are. But what’s the funniest is - you’re not here because you heard that something happened here. That something went wrong. That possibly the worst happened. No,” she sleered. “No, you’re here only because you need something. Not because you wanted to see me, to see what must have happened. You’re here for your own benefit. And somehow I am not surprised, you’ve always been selfish.”

It hurt. Each word spilling from her lips hurt Joel. But he deserved it. He knew he deserved more, still surprised he wasn’t lying in the puddle of his own blood after having been shot by her.

Did he have something to make her understand his absence? No. Like she said, he was selfish. And he was a coward. A coward because he realised that he actually still was capable of that feeling that consumes you whole. The one that gives you those butterflies, he’d never understood but could feel now. The one that makes you forget your name while looking at someone, stumbling over words, gettin hot and bothered just because of their look.

He was capable of love.

And it terrified him.

So when he realised it, he did what he was best at - he ran, hid and tried to forget. Forget about anything associated with YN. And everything reminded him of her. The pillow, the only mug in the apartment, the folded rug, the dirty socks under the bed, the little sketch of Sarah that was so accurate he felt her disappointed eyes judging him. YN was everywhere. And he hated and loved it at the same time. Because if he had left her, the only thing he could still have was the memory.

“I love you, Joel. I know you can’t say it, it’s okay. I just need you to know it. I do love you.” She used to say every few weeks, reassuring him. Making him believe that she wasn’t playing. She was genuine.

“I fucking love you.” Said every time he made her see the stars and feel the goosebumps cover her nude body.

“I missed you, I’m sorry. I love you. You’re home.” Said whenever he came back after a run from outside the QZ.

“I love you.” Whispered every night, when she thought he didn’t hear her. But he did, each time.

“I love you,” he said for the first time since they’d met thirteen years ago. His voice, although weak, never sounded more confident.

YN looked up from the table, studying his face for a moment. ‘How much you’ve changed’ she thought. The silver hair, now almost covering half of his gorgeous locks. Wrinkles that he sported from the moment they’d met, now deeper - worry always present on his face. His lips, oh those soft pink lips, now chapped. But his eyes. His eyes were the same. Those brown irises reminding her of a hot chocolate she used to drink every night for comfort. Eyes that told her more than his words ever could. Eyes that lied to her so many times.

“And I loved you, too, Joel. I really did.”

#joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller fic #joel miller angst #joel miller tlou #joel miller x female reader #joel miller #the last of us #tlou hbo

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manicallyrhapsodical · 7 months ago

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when did i start hating birthdays?

my birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and i’m not sure how i feel. when i was a kid, i loved my birthday. it was a day (more like a week; i was spoiled) focused entirely on me! people gave me presents, celebrated with me, and told me how much they loved me. what’s not to love?

however, as time passes and i get older, the idea and concept of birthdays becomes less enjoyable. maybe it’s because i’m a summer birthday, or perhaps this is just how birthdays are regardless, but birthdays now remind me of how forgotten someone can be. don’t get me wrong, without fail, i’ll get birthday wishes from my family and best friend, random people i don’t expect anything from but am pleased to hear from, and friends i’m surrounded by now. however, it doesn’t matter how many people reach out to me; i always think about those who don’t.

why didn’t they reach out when i did on their birthday? how many people would still reach out if i deleted my social media and people didn’t have a reminder? i thought we were better friends, so why hadn’t i heard from them?

one of my deepest fears is that of being unliked by people and either not knowing why so i can’t fix it or knowing why and being unable to resolve the issue. to some extent, i think we all suffer from this fear. however, this is something that can paralyze me and make it hard to function. i think when things like birthdays roll around, it presents an opportunity for my overanxious brain to cling on to wondering if people even really like me or if i’m just as annoying, overbearing, awful, abrasive, and socially clueless as i sometimes feel i am.

recently, i had a friend over, and at the end of the night, i felt like i may have been a bit too callous in my humor and offended them. when they left, i kept myself up for hours, wondering why i was the way i was and trying to think what i could do to resolve this issue. the following week and a half, i made myself physically ill with how anxious i felt about the whole situation, and i woke up throwing up every single morning over the fear of them not liking me anymore. i kept myself up late at night, killing myself, thinking of how i could resolve the issue and could get them to like me again. finally, i subtly asked if things were okay between us after a forceful push from a friend.

to no one’s surprise, they hadn’t been offended and thought nothing of that night. while i know i’m not the first or the last to feel these emotions, i can’t help but liken them to my upcoming thoughts about my birthday.

what if people forget because they’ve secretly loathed me for years? what if people purposely don’t reach out because they want me to feel bad? even worse, what if no one reaches out because no one cares? what if no one reaches out, and i’m forced to confront that maybe i don’t have as many friends and people who care about me as i think i do?

these are the ramblings and thoughts of an anxious mind, and i do what i can to control it. misery loves company, and i’ve appreciated talking to a few people close to me who can empathize with how i feel when my birthday rolls around each year. obviously, this isn’t an overnight fix. still, hopefully, things can resolve themselves enough in a few weeks that i’ll spend more time being grateful for the time and attention i get instead of dwelling on the anxieties of the “what-ifs.” who knows?

#manicallyrhapsodical #bookblr #late night thoughts #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #spilled words #spilled writing #thoughts #thinking #emotions #creative writing #writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr #writers and poets #writerscommunity

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readerinsertsaremyguiltypleasure · 2 years ago

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Hi!! P, 13 for Billy! Angsty but with a happy ending, please! Thank you!

Here you go, anon. 💕

This one is set while Billy is still a Marine.

P. Fighting/almost breaking up 13. 'What happened to us?'

----------------------------------------------

It all started with a really shit day. One of those days where everything that could go wrong did go wrong and all you wanted to do was to crawl into bed with your boyfriend and have him hold you for a while.

But you couldn’t. Because your boyfriend was thousands of miles away, in a desert somewhere in Afghanistan.

So, when you logged on to your scheduled Skype call, your mood was already dismal.

Usually getting to see Billy in any way you could was enough to brighten your mood, but today the low-quality picture and clunky signal just served as an unwelcome reminder of how he wasn’t there with you.

You needed him, and he wasn’t there. Just like he hadn’t been there all the other days you had needed him over the past several months. And all the months of his last two tours.

You were immensely proud of him for his service and would never ask him to quit the Marines for you… but it was hard being left behind. It was lonely.

In retrospect, you should have sent him an email and rescheduled your Skype call, claiming to be sick or something. But you had thought you could power through. You had thought that Billy would make you feel better.

You had thought wrong.

He had quickly noticed your sour mood, which only made his own mood sour in turn, and soon you found yourself in a heated fight while Skype kept freezing on your angry expressions.

‘Is it too much to want to enjoy this time together?’ said Billy in an angry whisper. He didn’t have the luxury of yelling, something that satisfied your petty side. ‘After all the shit that goes on here, I think I deserve a break and a chance to chat with my girl.’

‘We’re not together, Billy,’ you reminded him. ‘We’re on whole different continents. I love you and I’m proud of you, but you can’t expect me to always be okay with that.’

‘You’ve never had trouble before.’

You let out a bark of disbelieving laughter. ‘I’ve never let you see it before,’ you corrected. ‘I can’t count how many times I have cried myself to sleep because I missed having you next to me. Every Valentine’s Day and birthday and Christmas. Every shitty day that would have been made better with just one hug from you.’

‘That’s not my fault,’ he said through gritted teeth. ‘I had already signed up when we got together. You knew what you were getting into.’

‘So I’m not allowed to miss you?’

‘No.’

You stared at the screen in shock. That had not been the answer you had been expecting.

Billy seemed to realise his mistake straight away, and he groaned as he scrubbed a hand through his hair. ‘That’s not what I… Look, my tour is over in a few weeks. Then none of this will matter.’

‘Unless the tour gets extended like the last one.’

Unless you don’t come home at all, you didn’t say.

‘Then we’ll just have to deal with it,’ he sighed. Something caught his attention and his gaze drifted to above the camera. He let out an annoyed growl and then looked back to the screen. ‘I gotta go. People are waiting to use the computers.’

You nodded, knowing that there was nothing you could do about it. You weren’t going to deny other people the chance to talk to their loved ones just because you and Billy were fighting.

‘I… I’ll see you soon.’

When the call ended, you finally let the tears fall down your cheeks.

----

Billy didn’t get the chance for another Skype call after that, and the only communication you had was emails which were kept short and succinct.

Only a few more weeks to go. I know.

Mission went well. I’m glad.

Got overlooked for the promotion again. I’m sorry.

Frank says hi. Hi Frank.

What happened to us?

That last message went unanswered.

But you would get your answer soon enough you supposed. By some miracle, Billy’s tour hadn’t been extended, and he was probably already on his flight home.

The thought made you equal parts happy and scared. You had missed him so much and couldn’t wait to see his face in person again… but what if this fight was not something you could both get past? What if the next time you saw him was also the last time?

It was those thoughts that had you stress-cleaning, and you were just about done with the kitchen when someone knocked on your front door. You almost ignored them but decided better of it when they knocked again.

‘All right, I’m coming,’ you grumbled as you made your way to the door.

Your annoyance disappeared the second you opened it.

There, on your doorstep, was Billy, dressed in a suit and holding his duffle bag in one hand and flowers in the other.

‘Why didn’t you use your key?’ you asked dumbly before you shook yourself out of it and stepped aside to let him in.

He gave you a small smile as he passed you. You caught a whiff of his cologne as he did, and your mind finally caught up with the fact that he was really there in front of you.

He was home.

Billy put his bag on the floor near the wall and then turned back to hold out the flowers to you.

You took them silently, and then immediately chucked them away as you launched yourself at him, wrapping your arms around him as tightly as you could.

‘I’m so glad you’re okay,’ you cried into his shoulder. You could deal with the fight and the distant emails and the unanswered questions later. Right now, all that mattered was that he had made it home again. ‘I’m so glad you’re home.’

Billy’s arms wrapped around you, making you cry harder. ‘Me too, baby,’ he whispered, and he pressed a kiss to your temple. ‘It’s so good be back for good.’

That had you pulling away, but Billy didn’t let you get very far. He only gave you just enough room to be able to look up at him. ‘For good?’ you asked, hope welling in your chest.

Billy nodded and reached up to wipe the drying tears from your cheeks. ‘I’ve finally got enough saved up to get out. I’ve been emailing the bank, and I think I can get a small loan to set up Anvil at last.’

Anvil had been his dream for a while now, but you hadn’t realised it had been so close.

Your smile could have rivalled the sun at that moment. ‘I’m so proud of you,’ you said.

You wanted nothing more than to kiss him senseless, maybe drag him straight to the bedroom, but the fight still lingered at the back of your mind, telling you that he might not want that.

Something must have shown in your eyes, because Billy suddenly cupped your cheeks and crashed his lips to yours, dispelling every one of your doubts.

You would get past it. You were going to be okay.

You clung to the collar of his shirt like it was a lifeline, even after the kiss ended.

‘I’m not leaving you ever again,’ he said, voice suddenly more serious than you’d ever heard it. ‘No more missed birthdays or holidays.’

You shook your head, feeling silly for the things you’d said all those weeks ago.

‘I’m sor-’

Billy cut off your apology with another kiss, this one less impassioned and more tender.

More loving.

‘Me too,’ he whispered once he had pulled away again. He rested his forehead against yours, and you both closed your eyes, relishing in the fact that you were both together.

You were both still together.

‘You asked what happened to us,’ he said. ‘The way I see it, the only thing that happened is we became stronger than before. Because now we know we can get through anything.’

Tears pricked at your eyes again, but you didn’t let them fall.

You couldn’t agree with him more.

#billy russo prompts #billy russo x you #billy russo x reader #this is the last of the game prompts #but I have one more Darkling prompt that is separate

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strawbrygashez · 1 day ago

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More questions I stole from a post because I like yapping

1. selfie

2. what would you name your future kids?

I probably wouldn’t actually name them this but I absolutely love the name Freya (Fray-uh)

3. do you miss anyone?

Answered this yesterday but yeah. My grandmother passed kinda recently

4. what are you looking forward to?

Talking to Zee again.

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

Yeah. Zee and some of my moots

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

Depends on how obsessed or attached I am.

7. what was your life like last year?

I honestly can’t remember too well but I guess kinda shit. This year has been going better in a few ways.

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

Probably. I feel like there has to be another feeling mixed in tho for me to cry besides being annoyed.

9. who did you last see in person?

My mom

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

Kinda. A lot of people don’t know how I truly feel about them. In some situations I’m terrible at hiding my feelings though. Especially if it’s like someone making me genuinely upset.

11. are you listening to music right now?

Nope. All i can hear is the rain and clothing washer rn.

12. what is something you want right now?

To pee.

13. how do you feel right now?

Alright. Need to get up to pee.

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

Yesterday. Hugged a guy family member

15. personality description

Hmm. I dunno. I don’t often have people tell me what personality aspects of mine they notice besides I guess Zee told me I’m nice. Uhm. I guess generally speaking I’m quiet and polite. My sibling would probably say I’m annoying and crazy tho.

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

Multiple times thru out my life.

17. opinion on insecurities.

Uh. People having insecurities? Thats normal. Sure having them and other people having them sucks but I mean it’s just a part of life.

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?

Not really no.

19. have you ever been to New York?

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

SEVENTH HAVEN from Tokyo 7th sisters.

21. age and birthday?

22. description of crush.

Ouuuggh… he’s very handsome. Just looking at him makes me wanna curl up and die because he’s so attractive. He’s funnnnie and smexy 😋

23. fear(s)

Complete dark, bugs, people I care deeply about getting tired of me, speaking in front of a crowd, loud sudden sounds, men raising their voice, uhm.. I dunno. I have OCD so I get random fears a lot so I can’t list out all of em.

24. height

I think exactly 5 feet tall.

25. role model

No one currently. Growing up it was Marilyn Manson.

26. idol(s)

Miku? Idk.

27. things i hate

Tons of things. I’ll list a couple simple things I hate tho.

Doing dishes, being yelled at, being expected to care for or like certain people, being forced to do certain things, having to act normal/happy irl to cover my ass from getting yelled at or having people ‘worry’ about me.

28. i’ll love you if…

You’re not annoying and overly sensitive. Nice to me :p

29. favourite film(s)

Queen of the damned, The Lost Boys, Joker, and The Crow.

30. favourite tv show(s)

I don’t watch tv shows really. Does anime count? I love some anime. The Love Live series and Chobits are my favorites.

31. 3 random facts

About me? I’ll go with about me. I’ve seen Korn and Slipknot preform, I cry really easily over idol animes, and I can name all the love live girls easily up until LL!Superstars.

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

I’m not sure to be honest.

33. something you want to learn

How to be better at scrapbooking & I would like better conversation skills.

34. most embarrassing moment

My leg fell asleep once in elementary school and when I went to get up to leave the class I fell over and smacked my head against the white board. I’ve also fallen up the stairs in middle school and off a desk.

35. favourite subject

English if this refers to while I was in school.

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

Meeting Zee, going on my first date, having my first boyfriend.

37. favourite actor/actress

None. I don’t care for actors.

38. favourite comedian(s)

None

39. favourite sport(s)

None

40. favourite memory

Going to a anime store in Florida and getting tons of Love Live merch.

41. relationship status

Single but harassing someone to be mine.

42. favourite book(s)

Chobits manga.

43. favourite song ever

Jesus that’s a hard one. Uhm. I couldn’t pick one really but Ningyo Hime by Rie Tanaka is really really nice.

44. age you get mistaken for

A teenager. I’m in my early 20s.

45. how you found out about your idol

I said miku was my idol sooo I found her thru an Adventure Time amv

46. what my last text message says

I asked someone where they were

47. turn ons

Dark humor, a sense of confidence, and being very nicey to me

48. turn offs

People who whine about everything ever, people who get insanely annoying about the fact other people have different opinions and beliefs.

49. where i want to be right now

With Zee

50. favourite picture of your idol

No.

51. starsign

Cancer

52. something i’m talented at

Nothing really. Having knowledge on dumb things I guess.

53. 5 things that make me happy

Zee, Love Live, Chobits, gifts, and being left to do my own thing.

54. something thats worrying me at the moment

How much I’m peeing. I did have like 2 water bottles but 🙄

55. tumblr friends

My mutuals. I’m not listing them all out.

56. favourite food(s)

Ice

57. favourite animal(s)

Axolotls

58. description of my best friend

I don’t know if I have a best friend. I care most about Zee so uhm. Read my previous answer about my crush

59. why i joined tumblr

Bc im autistic

60. ask me anything you want

*twerks*

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cuddleheatingco · 15 days ago

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Survived January. I always feel the first three months of the year are like the song St.Patrick’s day by John Mayer. January is cold and you need to have someone to keep you warm. February is valentines so you need that dash of romance and by march if you’re not the right fit for each other you can break up because it’s St.Patricks day and no one needs to be a couple to celebrate that.

But I finally accomplished some things I wanted to in January with over a year of work completed I finally wrote my grade 9 history RCM exam. It’s one more step to becoming a teacher. :) for some reason it will take 6-8 weeks to grade and get back to me. But it’s done.

It was actually so much fun to start grade 10 RCM history today. I know I need grade 9 RCM harmony too but since we’re on a history kick might as well continue with that.

Am I the only one who finds adult friendships tough? To be honest most of my friends make it pretty easy but this year I’m considering shrinking my circle.

Like I mentioned in my previous posts I felt like I had that one friend who was using me. Well still haven’t heard from him and honestly I’ve just felt relief. I wish him the best but he’s way too much drama for me.

I had another friend from my current job that we’ve been drifting apart. I’ve done her some favours and tried to be there for her and never asked anything in return. But honestly I’m ready to just walk away from her. Last April I lent her $300 so she could treat her sick cat at her vets. I had it left over from a tax return and thought of I could help I would. She promised me it was a loan and she would pay it back when she could. Then things started to get really awkward between us. She’d never talk to me anymore and when I’d reach out to her it would be days before she’d respond if she would respond at all. That hurt but I figured she’s busy and things would settle. In about October or so I finally addressed the elephant and told her if she really couldn’t pay the loan back it would be fine. But I noticed she was avoiding me etc. she still insisted she would pay. So I said well then if you could please pay at least some of it back by January my 40th birthday I would really appreciate it as i would like to make the day special. Well that day came and went. Not a dime. And no mention of the money. Also over Facebook she sent out her wedding invitations. Somehow mine was “forgotten”. I was pretty hurt.I still believe in the good of people. But being so sick now I can’t afford to help anyone but myself.

I had to have a laugh I actually checked my junk mail folder the other day and found an email from a company called 7witches coven. I think a friend of mine might have sent me a charm from them years ago and they’re still bothering me. Anyways I had to read their online reviews and most of them were complaints about the spells not working etc.

I feel like when it comes to love you can’t force it and if you could would you really want to? There’s a reason people come in and out of your life. If you see the signs it’s time to let them go. Then let them go.

Muscles are getting less sore but still twitchy. I’m wondering if I’ll have a slight twitch for the rest of my life. When I optimistically asked my doctor how long I’d be taking the tardive dyskinesia medicine he sadly stated for the rest of your life. :(

No one can figure out the sweating yet. My endocrinologist said to contact an internal medicine doctor so I have so now I’m waiting for an appointment from them. I really hope they can solve this sweating. It’s literally so annoying to be “hot mess” all the time.

I’m also a bit worried about my parathyroid it’s about double the numbers it should be. I hope it’s not looking like another surgery. But no news is good news.

Tomorrow is groundhogs day. Which I think is one of the cruelest traditions going. The poor thing is hibernating and you poke it awake just for our entertainment?

But my mood is still holding firm. I have my moments of sadness but overall I feel February will be a good month!

#february #groundhog day #grade 9 history #winter #Spotify

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iceddecafcaramel · 16 days ago

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2/1/2025, 01:05

Happy birthday. I wish I could’ve spoken to you but I know that it doesn’t do me any good. I don’t want you to hate me nor think that I hate you but I can’t continue to torture myself. I think of you way too often and it’s not healthy for me. Even if this whole break up’s only made me stronger, I can feel that I’m not as bright and full of energy as I used to be. I’m getting compassion fatigue because I’m like well, who’s taking care of me? I am. But I sure would’ve appreciated it if I got the support that I give others. I’m angry that I feel like I can’t depend on the people who I’ve literally kept alive. You were the only person in the world that made me feel like you’d be there for me no matter what. This week has been extremely tough though, two suicidal friends, a hospitalization of a suicidal and homicidal client, and a guy waving his gun around at the bus stop, who turned out to be the guy I saw that day. It was so annoying because my coworker was like “oh it was your fault”. I know it wasn’t because my supervisor didn’t catch it either but I don’t know why she was so insensitive and tone deaf. I’m upset because the last time I had to hospitalize someone, you were there to talk me down.

Dinner with your friends was horrible. I could tell that they’re on your side more than mine, especially since you texted one of them the whole night. I didn’t even want them to talk about you but they did. I tried my best to not give them any clues as to how I thought about you but I just wanted to scream. When I got my stuff back at the end of the night, I noticed that you returned the stuffed animal that I got for you so that we could have matching plushies. I don’t know what you expected me to do with this- you might as well have thrown it out to the trash like you did with me. That was the cherry on top. I blocked you on all accounts on instagram because I am sick. So sick of hoping that you’ll come back. Hoping that you’ll reach out. I can’t stand to see your stories nor notes anymore. I don’t want to know what you’re up to or if you miss me. I want to stop thinking about you. And at this point, I’m like fuck it. If I pull away and we’re meant to reunite, life will make that happen no matter what. If you truly wanted to see how I was doing, you would reach out directly to me. I have spent way too much energy on this and I don’t want to dim my light because of anyone, especially you.

I saw that you posted on your story but I didn’t need to know what you were doing/posting. I wanted to look but I knew better than to do so. But happy 30th birthday, I hope you have everything you wanted. Just kidding. I’m sorry but I hope you’re in so much pain. I hope that your heart physically hurts thinking about me, which is all the time. I hope you carry that regret with you for the rest of your life. I already know that you know that you made the wrong decision. I was a blessing sent to you, and you failed to accept it.

Surprisingly, the affirmations have been working. My favorite one is “nothing makes me insecure” and “the way other people view me or their opinions do not affect me”. Fuck this shit. I am the whole package- smart, funny, caring, and pretty. If you can’t treat me well and keep playing stupid games like this, I’ll go and find someone better. I am special and you’re not. Honestly at this point, I say, “anyone who hurts me or makes me upset regrets their decision for the rest of their life because they see that I am the blessing that got away”. I am so sick of being in pain. I do not deserve this. I will not tolerate people wasting my time and treating me badly, disrespectfully, and with bad intentions.

Funnily enough, I got the overall success pearl for the necklace. I saw that kit on amazon and knew I was going to get this pearl- I always have. I think wearing it takes me back to when I was so pure, so full of faith.

I finally apologized to my Grandpa in Japanese to express how much sorrow and regret I feel for not talking to him before he passed. I miss him so much. I thanked him for all the happy memories he shared with me, and for loving me so much.

#thoughts #m #texts i will never send

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am3ricanj3sus · 10 months ago

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4/29

song of the day:

aprils almost over and I couldn’t be happier. 4 more weeks left of school and 5 more till im out of here. i’m genuinely so sick of school. it’s just so annoying and boring. like I move through the day as happy as I can be but it’s just bleh. today was nice though. I left early so I didn’t have to go to 4th. yesh! there’s nothing wrong with that class it’s just I get sooooo bored cause no one’s there with me. I did have fun though today.

today I went to a restaurant that i’ve only gone to a couple times in my life and the funniest thing is we ran into my brothers ex best friend who works there. he was our waiter and let me tell you my feelings have stayed the same. I use to have a massive crush on him. not as big as the one I had on my brothers other bestie but like that’s a whole other thing. anyways. i’ll call him A. he looked so good like get out my face. I think it was the all black. and the lighting in the restaurant. I remember my brother had a sleepover for his birthday one time and A was there and I literally would not leave them alone because I wanted to see him. like I was supposed to sleepover at my grandparents that night but I stayed the night in my messy ass room and I didn’t even have a bed😹. anyways. A looks like great. he grew some facial hair I think that’s what fixes everything for a guy. he’s not super tall but he’s still taller than me so yayayay. I missed seeing him. he spend like a year doing army stuff, did durgs then like got back into college and I think he’s doing better. I think he’s greek or something cause his name is so cringe and his NOSE DIEEEE. I love it.

but the whole reason we were at the restaurant was great. my grandpa finished his radiation treatments and it was also my grandparents 53rd wedding anniversary. YAYAYAYAYAY. i’m so happy. it was such a happy day. I wish all days were this happy. ik they won’t always be. but I loved it. except the parts where my grandparents friend come in.

my grandparents have these neighbors that have been there neighbors since like the 70’s. and omg I love the wife(Y). she’s so sweet and she’s like another grandma to me. but the husband. I need him to burn in hell. I want him to be skinned alive. /jk. but he’s so annoying. like shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t care. ik he’s old and I feel bad but he’s an asshole. he makes his wife do everything when she has so many health problems to deal with. and his fuckifn daughter in an asshole to her. he had her before he got married again and that girl does nothing but piss me off. she literally does nothing to help when she comes to visit them. like girl you are 45!!!! start being the grown woman you are and don’t have ur stepmom do everything for you like ur a child. and her kids are ever worse. they never wanna do anything with Y, which is why I love my Y. she’s just the sweetest. and she’s so tough too. I just wish she would stand up to her family. she doesn’t have a whole lotta time left and I just want her to be happy. I used to hang out with her and my grandma all the time at her house and it was so fun. but yk I grew up. and I just feel so bad for leaving her. my grandma hangs out with her ofc but it’s not as much as it was. and like I said, her step daughter doesn’t like doing crafts or even helping her with anything so she just sucks. so I try to hang out with her as much as possible. but i’m just so busy or tired and I feel so bad. today she was talking about a pizza oven she has and I felt so bad cause her grandsons will go over to make pizza but they don’t want to help her and just have her make it and i’m like “that’s ur grandma wtf???” I understand being spoil by grandparents but these boys are like 19 and 18 and have acted like this their whole life and never help her. last summer I made soap with her and my grandma and I could tell she was having so much fun. like she just wants to do grandma activities but her grandkids suck. so this summer i’m going to make it my mission to spend more time with her. I will be gone for a while but when I get back I wanna make pizza with her and ik that she wanted to try doing resin projects or other crafts and I want to do them with her because that stuffs fun.

anyways. I believe that it’s time to honk shoooo.

#Spotify

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maximons · 3 years ago

Text

Tricks And Treats

Summary: Pietro tries to get Wanda and Y/n to finally admit their feelings for each other and takes them to a haunted house. Too bad Wanda is a full on scaredy cat...or is that exactly what is needed?

Word Count: 2,915

Genre: Fluff

Requested?: Yes

A/N: Finally back with the Fluff! Here’s that one shot I promised like a week ago lmao Happy Reading!

Halloween was for sure your favorite holiday.

You knew you were in the minority with that thought, seeing most people picked Christmas as their favorite, but you didn’t care. You always loved the time of year that came with Halloween, your birthday fell pretty close to it, you get to dress up and pretend to be someone else for a day, and it’s full on spooky season! What wasn’t there to love?

Well apparently a lot, at least according to your best friend Wanda.

For someone who’s a witch, you find it very funny that she doesn’t like the holiday.

You first met Wanda during the whole Ultron situation, back then she took on a more ‘emo’ appearance. Don’t tell anyone you said this, but you wouldn’t mind if she adopted the look again cause damn, so you just assumed Halloween and all things spooky would be for her, right?

Wrong.

You quickly learned that Wanda was not a fan of scary. You remember asking her to go see this new horror movie with you, it was your first time hanging out alone together and you just figured it’d be something she was into.

By the end of the movie, her face was buried in her knees, and she didn’t believe you when you told her the movie was over. The poor teenager working the theater was pretty annoyed with you both.

Needless to say, you didn’t bother her about anything spooky related again.

So when Pietro came to you two asking if you wanted to go to the new haunted house in town, you were beyond shocked that she agreed without a second thought.

“Uh, Wanda are you sure?” You asked, very hesitant. “I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a haunted house before, but-”

“I know what they are, Y/n.” Wanda cut you off before you finished, seeming very enthused, which confused you more. “I think it’ll be really cool!”

“Yeah...Wands, I know this group. This isn’t your typical ‘few scary decorations with the occasional light jump scare’ thing. These guys are intense.” You tried again. You didn’t know what had gotten into the witch, but you were sure she was making a mistake here.

“Y/n/n, relax. I’m not a child, I can handle myself. Trust me, okay? It’ll be great!” The bright smile on Wanda’s face was always a sight you welcomed, but it confused you in the moment. Still, you knew once her mind was set on something...let’s just say it’d be easier to find all the infinity stones than to talk her out of it.

“Alright, if you say so.” You shrugged, deciding it was best to drop the topic. Besides, she was right, Wanda’s a grown woman who can make her own choices. You just get to wait to be able to tell her that her choice was a stupid one. “So Friday night?” You asked Pietro, who nodded excitedly.

“Friday night!” He confirmed.

“Okay, cool.” You took another quick sip of your morning coffee before setting your mug down. “I gotta get ready for training. So happy to be working with Steve today instead of Nat, he’s always a walk in the park.” You said sarcastically with a roll of your eyes. “Wish me luck.”

The twins wished you luck as you left the room to go get ready. After they were sure you were out of earshot, the witch turned to her brother. “This is your plan? Are you crazy?”

“I know, I know, but trust me, okay?” He reassured, walking to the fridge to grab himself a drink. “Y/n loves this stuff, and as she is the love of your life-”

“Whoa, whoa, I-I never said-”

“-You should experience the things that she loves to do.” Pietro finished, ignoring his sister’s intervention. “I’ll do my best to stay out of your guys’ way, and you have the whole evening to yourselves. Sounds perfect to me.”

“Yeah, until I act like a complete, how do they say, ‘spaz’ around her again.” Wanda sighed, leaning on the kitchen counter in defeat.

“You won’t. You know what kind of things to expect now. And if you do freak out, all the more reason to be by her side. She will protect you.”

Wanda looked at her brother in confusion. “I can protect my self.”

Pietro rolled his eyes playfully. “Not what I meant. You will see, sestra.”

Friday night came before you know it, and you, Wanda and Pietro were waiting in the line to buy your tickets to enter.

“Holy shit, this is a long line.” Pietro complained, causing you to chuckle.

“Not surprising. It’s the week before Halloween, weather’s nice, and this group doesn’t come to New York a whole lot. More surprised it isn’t longer actually.” You shrugged.

“Why don’t they come to New York? I thought this was one of America’s more popular states?” Wanda asked.

“It is, but ever since Loki invaded and our merry band of misfits formed, tourism and things like this have been down a whole lot.” You leaned down to get closer to Wanda’s ear. “I guess we’ve been the scary ones all along.” You joked, but Wanda was more focused on trying to calm down and forget the feeling of your breath against her ear.

“Everything alright there, Wanda?” Pietro asked after a moment, teasing smirk on his face. Before Wanda could even fire back, a voice from in front of you spoke up.

“No way! You guys are Avengers!” The group in front of you turned around, one of the guys recognized you instantly.

“Uh, yes...we are.” Wanda awkwardly stated. You knew Wanda hated fan interactions, and to be honest you weren’t a fan of these situations either. They were unpredictable. The Avengers were either beloved or despised, and you’ve been on both ends of the reaction spectrum. Wanda and Pietro, unfortunately, have seen a lot more animosity than you and the others.

Honestly, you couldn’t even fault the ones that didn’t love you guys. You weren’t ignorant and knew your battles have caused a lot of problems for a lot of people. You could sympathize, but that didn’t mean you wanted to be on the receiving end of that anger. Especially not when you were trying to just have a fun night out with your friends. “Look guys, we’re really just here to have a good time. We don’t wanna cause a scene.” You said.

“Nah, nah, it’s cool. I think you guys are awesome!” The guy said, and it was clear to you then that the dude was baked out of his mind. “Especially you, with the red wiggly woos!” He pointed to Wanda as he gave a terrible impression of her hand movements. You smiled, happy to see a fan interaction go well for Wanda.

The joy you felt didn’t last long though, as another guy in the group turned to you, blunt in his hand. “Hey, you’re the fire one right? Can you do me a solid?” He gestured to you, asking you to give him a light. You sighed, the twins chuckling at the situation.

“Yeah, but don’t ask again.” You ignited the tip of your finger, gently placing it on the end of the blunt. The group turned around in line and continued to go about their own conversation. You felt Wanda elbow your side, and you turned to see a smirk on her face. When you heard Pietro’s snicker, you groaned.

“Shut up.”

“Look at you, helping delinquents. Aren’t you supposed to be a superhero? Bringer of justice and all of that?” Wanda teased and you rolled your eyes playfully.

“Yeah, but I’m the fun one. It’s just weed.” You said confidently, but the witch saw through it and you dropped the act. “And the last time that happened and I said no, the dude burst into tears.” You said under your breath.

“There it is.” She smiled, and you couldn’t help but smile back despite you being the subject of mockery. You loved seeing her smile, you didn’t care about the reason why.

Before you knew it, Pietro announced that you guys were next in line to buy tickets. He bought his and stepped aside so you can go next. “Hi, two please.” Wanda turned to you with her eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

“Wha- Y/n, I can afford it.” She chuckled nervously, flattered by the action.

“I know, but when I have to drag you out of here cause you’re paralyzed in fear, at least you won’t regret dropping forty bucks on it.” You shrugged as you handed the cashier your credit card.

Wanda’s face reddened, something she quickly tried to hide from her brother who was enjoying this way too much. Her flustered state faded quickly when she processed what you said. “Hey!” You chuckled before thanking the cashier as she returned your card.

“Please go to the table to sign your waivers, entrance is down that hill. Enjoy your night.” The monotone voice told you that the poor woman’s been working all night. You didn’t have time to dwell on that though as you felt a panicked tapping on your arm.

“What’s wrong? We haven’t even entered yet.” You teased.

“W-what did she mean by waivers?” You chuckled at the panicked tone in the witch’s voice.

“Just means if you have a heart attack or something, you can’t sue.” You shrugged nonchalantly, but Wanda took it very seriously and turned to you with even wider eyes.

“That can happen!?”

“Well, it happened at least once if the thought of doing a waiver.” You answered, once again, nonchalantly. You looked at Wanda and could swear you saw her blood run cold. You laughed, which resulted in you receiving a glare. “Relax, Wan, you’ll be fine. You’re an Avenger, you’ve faced off against killer robots, stared death in the face time and time again!” You exclaimed dramatically as you waved your arms. You noticed Wanda start to smile and relax her shoulders.

“Thanks, Y/n.” She gave you a sweet smile, and you couldn’t help but melt.

“Yeah, anytime.” Your eyes locked with Wanda, you were about to look away but couldn’t. ‘Wow, were her eyes always this green? They’re beautiful.’ You thought.

A blush appeared on the witch’s face as she tore her gaze from you. You were about to ask what happened, but were interrupted. “Let’s go slow pokes!” Pietro’s voice shouted, effectively breaking the moment.

“Yeah, yeah Sonic, we’re coming!” You rolled your eyes as you shouted back. Wanda giggled at the banter between you and her brother, she loved that you two were close. With that, you and her headed down the hill towards the entrance.

After about a half hour, it seemed Wanda was holding up well. The three of you walked out of the corn maze, and she had a triumphant smile on her face. “I thought you said this place was scary.” She teased causing you to roll your eyes playfully.

“Congratulations you survived the corn maze, you get to join the hall of fame with the other twelve year-olds.” As if to emphasize your point, three twelve year-olds ran out of the maze in giggles, clearly unaffected. Wanda pouted. “Aw, don’t worry. I thought you were very brave.” You teased yet again, which resulted in an elbow to the side.

“You’re a jerk.” Wanda held back a smile as she strutted forward. You laughed as you jogged forward to catch up.

“Alright, are you guys ready for the big one?” Pietro asked and your eyes widened.

“Oh, Piet, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” You said as you nudged your head towards Wanda, hinting that you didn’t think she could handle that. Unfortunately, she caught on.

“Aw come on, Y/n. I’m not a baby.”

“I know, but you can’t go from the corn maze to...that.” You gestured towards the haunted maze entrance, a giant purple demon with smoke blowing out of it’s ears looming over. You guys turned at the sound of screams, and saw a group run out of the maze in fear, which then dissolved into laughter.

“They seem to be having fun.” Wanda gestured towards the group.

“Yeah, after the screams of terror.” You shot back. “You can’t go from walking around the block to running a marathon.”

“Oh yeah? Watch me.” Wanda strutted forward towards the entrance, determined to prove you wrong.

You groaned as you looked over to Pietro, who watched the whole ordeal with a cheeky smile. “Your sister’s insane.”

“Yeah, but you love it.” Pietro said under his breath, but you still heard it.

“What?”

“Nothing!” With that, the man sped forward, catching up to his sister at the entrance. You stared after him for a moment in shock before joining them.

The three of you walked the path, and everything seemed to be going well...for all of five seconds. The first jump scare happened behind Wanda. The loud screech startled her, and she jumped with a scream. She stumbled into your arms, and you wrapped them around her in order to keep her from falling. You chuckled, and Wanda looked up at you with the intention to glare. However, when your eyes locked again, Wanda couldn’t help but stare.

You, of course, had to ruin the moment. “Not too late to turn back, y’know. This is just the beginning.” Wanda groaned and pulled away from you, continuing forward. You laughed. “You can hold my hand if you want!” You don’t know what compelled you to say that, but you knew you weren’t entirely joking.

And you didn’t regret it when Wanda reached out and held your hand without another word. You smiled, squeezing her hand.

What you didn’t see was Pietro giving Wanda a thumbs up as you both walked past.

At some point, you guys lost Pietro in the dark maze. Wanda wasn’t even worried as she still held your hand tightly, and you knew the man would be fine and he’ll meet up with you at the exit.

Wanda had been holding up better than you thought. You wouldn’t say she was good per say, seeing as she screamed and practically jumped into your arms at the slightest sound, but she hadn’t collapsed on the ground in tears yet, so you’d count that as a win.

“Gotta say, Maximoff. I’m impressed.” You said as you two walked down the maze hand in hand.

“I’m just being that super brave Avenger like you said.” Wanda giggled, and you couldn’t help but melt at the noise.

“Well you’re doing an awesome job. Even if the last three guys almost made you pee your pants.” You laughed loudly as you took in the shocked reaction the woman gave you.

“Y/n!” She scolded, but before you could even respond, the worst jump scare yet occurred.

A large animatronic growled and lowered from the ceiling right behind Wanda. The witch turned to look briefly as she screamed loudly and jumped to you again. This time, however she literally jumped into your arms. You quickly braced your hands under her thighs, catching her, as she wrapped her legs around your waist. The force from the jump caused you to stumble back into a darker corner of the maze. Your back hit a hay wall, and you and Wanda laughed at the moment. Your laughter continued for a moment, and Wanda lifted her head from your shoulder to look into your eyes. Both of you got quiet as you continued to stare, sensing the moment shift.

“You okay?” You whispered, almost as if talking to loudly would shatter the moment. Wanda nodded, eyes still locked onto yours. After a moment of silence, she spoke up.

“Y’know...I think a distraction would help.” Your eyebrows shot up at the insinuation. You doubted you heard her correctly, but when you saw her eyes shift down to your lips, you knew what she wanted. And you wouldn’t lie and say you didn’t want it too.

“I...Yeah, I think I could help with that.” You barely got your sentence out when Wanda smashed her lips to yours roughly. You tightened your hold on her thighs as she wrapped her arms around your neck. You stood there, making out roughly against the wall of the maze. As wild and sudden as this was, you wouldn’t trade this moment for anything.

Pietro noticed you two were gone for a really long time. He was beginning to get concerned, and pulled out his phone ready to call one of you. Turns out he didn’t need to.

You two came out of the maze, only you weren’t alone. You and Wanda each had a security guard holding your arm. After you two were out of the maze completely, they let you go and walked off. It was then that Pietro noticed both of your disheveled states. And he could swear he saw two or three hickeys forming on your neck.

“No you didn’t-” He started, but you cut him off.

“Not a word.” Your hand found it’s way to Wanda’s as you guys walked towards the exit of the park, figuring it’d be bad Avengers press if you guys stayed any longer at this point. You had an awesome night anyway, and didn’t care if it ended a little early. Besides, you had a feeling you’d get to have some more...fun when you got back to the compound.

You didn’t notice Pietro high five Wanda’s free hand.

#wanda maximoff imagine #wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff x you #wanda maximoff x reader

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gladerwolfstarkimagines · 4 years ago

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Imagine being Azula’s friend but secretly dating Zuko behind her back

One of the first things you and Azula bonded over was your annoying brothers. Azula told you how her brother had stolen one of her best friends away from her and you related to that. Your twin brother was none other than Sokka of the water tribe, who was also very popular with women. Most of the women you knew liked him, from Yue to Toph to Suki to Ty lee! It sometimes felt like you were the second attraction in a friendship and so you and Azula quickly became close over your shared frustrations.

Then....you betrayed her.

Well, betrayal is a bit dramatic but maybe not given how upset she'd been when Mai and Zuko started dating. You knew that had been hard for Azula to process. How difficult it had been wondering if her friends really liked her or just wanted access to her brother. So when you started liking Zuko you didn’t plan on acting on it at all. Then Mai broke up with him.

Zuko was around at yours quite often, whenever he visited the water tribe he stayed in your home and when you visited the fire nation he extended the same hospitality. So throughout the years, you just naturally got closer and closer until....it happened. You started hanging out just the two of you and these occasions felt very date-like until Zuko just outright asked you out. You liked him and told yourself one date was fine, what harm could a single date do? But then as you kept seeing each other and one date soon progressed into many many more you knew your time to do the right thing and tell Azula you were dating her brother was approaching.

However the idea of doing that idea terrified you. You guessed Azula wouldn’t take it well and didn’t want to lose your friendship with her because of your relationship with Zuko. You wouldn’t break up with Zuko just to make her happy but you also didn’t want to lose Azula’s friendship, so when Katara’s birthday arose you were fairly nervous. There was going to be a large party and all of Katara’s friends were coming...which included Zuko and Azula. You hadn’t been together with everyone since you and Zuko started dating so you had no idea how it would feel. The whole time you and Zuko would have to convincingly act like you weren’t a couple and not make anyone at the party suspicious of the two of you. So when Zuko’s ship got in you fixed your eyes on Azula and tried not to stare at him any more than usual. You greeted him formally and didn’t admire him as you usually would. You fell in step with Azula and decided just to focus on her. It wasn’t hard, you were best friends and very close...however fate was not on your side. You got seated across from him at dinner which felt like some sick punishment and struggled not to get lulled into conversation with him. It didn’t help that Zuko was in a playful mood. He kept making comments about the things you’d done on your date and then sending you sly looks across the table. When you met his eye he smirked blatantly and you lightly kicked him under the table. That only made Zuko chuckled and look adorable so you sighed and decided to just keep your eyes down the whole time to survive dinner.

However, Zuko had no intention of stopping his teasing. After dinner you set about preparing the party for Katara tomorrow and having sent Sokka, Aang, Suki, Azula and Toph on their assigned jobs turned to your job of decorating. You were hanging streamers in the living room when you felt a hand curl around your waist. “Need some help there?” Zuko asked moving closer and he leaned up over you to hang it. “I could have done that myself” you smiled turning to face him and Zuko shrugged “I know you could’ve, but then I wouldn’t have been able to do this”. Zuko gently kissed your neck trailing down to your collar bone making you sigh. “Zuko...stop” you said faint heartedly and Zuko sensed that smirking "I don’t want to and you don’t want me to either, I can tell by how softly you said my name" he smiled "it’s been so long since we’ve had any time together". Your skin erupted in goosebumps and a shiver went down your spine as Zuko pressed closer against you. But you knew how badly this could end if literally anyone walked in. So swiftly you grabbed Zuko’s hands and twisted your way out of them. You held them tightly in one hand so he couldn’t try and slink around you again and used the other to make him look at you "Zuko we can’t okay, not on this trip. God knows i want to, i’ve missed you too but there’s too much that could go wrong i’m sorry". Zuko sighed but nodded his head "don’t worry i understand". Zuko’s shoulders sagged and you knew your insistance on keeping this quiet was difficult for him. "Thank you for understanding" you said hugging him quickly "i know it can’t be easy for you and I appreciate the effort you're going to for me". Zuko smiled resting his head on top of yours "it’s fine, i’d do a lot more for you if you asked but promise me it won’t always be like this....we will tell everyone soon?". You gulped but nodded pulling away "i promise, i will tell Azula...soon!". Zuko nodded “I believe you” and let his hands drop away from you. Not a moment later Sokka and Aang appeared in the room making the two of you jump. “Zuko just the man we need! We were thinking of making an ice sculpture, fancy some fire bending?”. Zuko nodded “sure” and with a last glance to you left the room.

Hours later the party preparations finished you returned to your room which you were sharing with Azula for her visit. “Sokka made me blow up balloons” she said angrily “something about fire benders being full of hot air”. You smirked at your brother’s nerve when Azula’s next sentence wiped it off your face. "Also I think Zuko’s dating someone again" Azula said softly and you paused. "Ow really?" you asked and she nodded "he’s been spending a suspicious amount of time in the southern water tribe lately. Lots of visits which he claims are diplomatic but I can’t work out what he actually does here! He doesn’t know that many people and so it got me thinking, y/n do you think your brother and mine....". "No Sokka's still with Suki" you said shaking your head. Azula sighed “and it’s obviously not Katara, she and Aang are basically married, have you seen him hanging around anyone else? He doesn’t know many people so it should be easy to spot". You paused pretending to think but were really just trying to buy yourself time. "Honestly i don’t pay much attention to him when he visits" you said cleverly covering your back "but i will from now on and let you know". "Thank you y/n" Azula smiled. You smiled back relieved Azula didn’t suspect anything and let out a large breath you’d been holding for this entire conversation. You were now more than ready for sleep and got into bed hurriedly. You laid your head on your pillow and closed your eyes utterly exhausted.

"Goodnight y/n" Azula called and you nodded. You were very sleepy and after a long yawn smiled "good night Zuko".

You realised the name you’d said seconds after it came out of your mouth.

You froze

As did azula.

"Did you just call me Zuko...". You blinked "did i? I’m sure i said Azula". Azula was quiet for 2 seconds before she shot up "it’s you!" she cried "you're the one my brother’s dating!". "No Azula that’s crazy!!! We'd just been discussing Zuko, that’s why he was on my mind!". Azula shook her head "you're lying! I can tell by the tone of your voice! You’re the new girlfriend aren’t you?". You sighed "Azula i’m sorry i was going to tell you...". "I can’t believe you" Azula yelled and suddenly the door opened. "What’s wrong?" Sokka and Zuko asked bursting in “we heard yelling” and Azula glared. "You! Couldn't just have Mai huh? Had to take another one of my friends? How about when you’re done with y/n you try things with Ty lee?". "Ow she told you...." Zuko frowned awkwardly. "No i worked it out!” Azula spat “Y/n accidentally uttered your name because she’s so lovesick" Azula cried "you both make me sick" and she strode away slamming the front door hard as she exited the house.

After Azula left you all looked at one another unsure what to do or say next. "So...you two are a thing?" Sokka asked and Zuko paused "yes...is your reaction going to be as bad as Azula’s or can i go deal with her?". Sokka shook his head "go deal with her before she burns the village down”. Zuko went to move past Sokka when your brother put a hand to his chest "but come back and see me after, me and Katara will want to talk to you about dating our sister". Zuko surprisingly looked intimidated and nodded "I'll be right back". "Zuko wait i should come too" you called "this is as much my fault as yours". Zuko nodded "let’s go" and led you outside into the cold night after Azula.

You found Azula trekking in the snow and as she wasn’t in proper shoes you gained on her quickly. “Azula!” you called and she jumped. She looked around and glared “ow look the happy couple, how nice of you to grace me with your presence”. Zuko rolled his eyes “only you’d be so attention-seeking to make this about you”. “Attention seeking? Who’s the person who can’t form his own friendships or respect boundaries? No always have to date my friends, is it some weird way for you to gain power over me? A sad way to boost your ego?”. As Zuko and Azula went to square up to each other you stepped between them. “Alright enough the both of you! Zuko please go back to the house, i’ll handle this”. “But she...”. “Zuko please” you said sharply and he nodded “fine” and with a glare left. You watched him go before turning back to Azula. You’d been about to suggest you go home given that Azula was surely freezing out here in the middle of the night but Azula broke into a rant. "Everyone leaves me for him" she cried "Mai! My uncle! Mother! Even my father...after i was smarter, a better fire bender, more loyal and younger he still gave Zuko every little chance and only crowned me after Zuko literally ran away! When will i be good enough people don’t just choose him without a second thought for me?". "Azula i didn’t choose Zuko over you! Just because i like Zuko doesn’t mean i don’t like you still". "That may be true but this changes our friendship completely, it did with Mai! People always prioritise their partners over their friends so i’ll be second best once again". "Are you kidding?" you asked "Azula now i need you more than ever! Relationships aren’t when you ditch your friends, they’re when you need them the most! Who else are you going to go to for a break or a nice getaway? Who else is going to support and love you in only the platonic way a friend can? Who else can i complain about Zuko to when he annoys me or we fight?" you asked "they’re all things you need your friends for! Desperately and that’s going to be the same for me". "But when Mai dated him...". "But i’m not Mai" you smiled softly "Azula we are good friends, i won’t sideline you because of this. You mean just as much to me now as before i started dating Zuko". Azula huffed but you could see her melting. "So...how about we go inside, get some warm milk and talk a bit more about this huh?". You offered Azula your hand and she took it but she didn’t stop there. Azula threw her arms around you and hugged you tightly. "I’m partly doing this for the cold but thank you" she said softly "nobodies ever tried to make me feel supported when they've chosen Zuko, they just tell me to deal with it but you’re the first to try and reassure me and so i know you mean it, to still be my friend". "Of course" you smiled "you're my best friend!". Azula smiled and linked her arm through yours "i like that!”.

Zuko stared in awe as you and Azula returned grinning. "How did it go is everything okay?". You nodded "your extremely cool sister is fine with it". "Yes i thought this would be a great way to have an inside scoop on you zuzu". "She’s kidding i won’t talk to her about you...a lot". Zuko blinked "okay if everything's okay then i should go speak to Sokka and Katara, they’re waiting for me in the kitchen". Azula smiled "that’s a good idea, when you come back zuzu find me, i have some threats about what will happen if you hurt my best friend". You smiled at Azula and stepped to Zuko "good luck but don’t worry Sokka’s all bite, Katara’s the one to look out for but she has a big heart, just tell her how good a time we’ve had and you’ll be fine". "Good tips, any for my sister?". You smiled "Azula is one i have not worked out yet" you grinned "but i’m sure you’ll manage, you are the firelord after all". Zuko smirked and you patted his shoulder "after your appointment with my brother and sister and then your sister....you could always come find me in your room?". Zuko smiled "is that my motivation for surviving this?". You shrugged "you can think of it as that" and stepped away from him. Zuko watched you before sighing "alright let’s get this over with” he said loudly and strode towards the kitchen.

You turned back to Azula who raised an eyebrow at Zuko’s sudden confidence and she frowned. "Do i even want to know?" Azula asked and you shook your head "no". “Ow and don’t worry if I’m not in our room tonight”. “Euch Y/n!” Azula cried and you shrugged “what? I didn’t say why”. “I know why” she sighed before she smiled “at least I can have your bigger bed”. “Be my guest” you smiled, you had a firelord to get reacquainted with.

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sitp-recs · 4 years ago

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hi :) i simply adore your blog and your fic recs are so spot on, you’ve made me fall back in love with drarry and hp. I rly love reading a fic before I go to sleep but I end up picking a 70k word one and end up staying up much longer than I wanted to so could you possibly recommend me any fics max 15k words, with a happy ending pls i need the cuteness to help me sleep 🥰 Thanku so so much xx

Hi anon! Thanks so much, I’m thrilled to know I had a small part in making you fall back in love with Drarry, that’s amazing! And what a mood lol I used to pick long fics before bed too, it’s a mighty trap 😂 I’ve read many short fics in the last year so I decided to go for these delightful and not-as-popular shorts, with excellent build up and happy endings. Perfect bedtime reads in my opinion! I got a bit too excited with this list so I’ll call it 31 Bedtime Reads! One for each day of the month ;) enjoy!

The Long Fall by @tackytigerfic (2021, M, 3.6k)

It's supposed to be a simple house renovation, and maybe it's just the paint fumes, but Harry is feeling dizzy around Draco Malfoy. And what's the real meaning of family, anyway?

oxygen by @maesterchill (2020, T, 4k)

Draco doesn’t smoke. Except when he needs to breathe.

A Charitable Christmas by Alisanne (2017, E, 5.6k)

Hermione’s plans to raise money for war orphans do not meet with Harry’s approval. Fortunately, Draco steps in to help him come up with a much more enjoyable strategy.

Harmony (Left-Handed Melody Remix) by mindabbles (2010, M, 5.8k)

He is the last person Draco was expecting, but then again, this is not a place Draco ever expected to be.

Vintage by momatu (2017, T, 7k)

Of all of the vineyards, in all of the regions, in all of France, Draco's blasted editor sends him to Potter's...

Our Ordinary Days by Lomonaaeren (2012, M, 8k)

Two men, both fathers of sons, meet in a bookshop. And the rest is the kind of history that doesn't make history.

Ice Snakes, Glow-worms and Wolverine Stew by khalulu (2015, M, 8.4k)

Harry Potter apparently wants to talk to Draco about something, but odd events keep getting in the way of that conversation – and bringing them closer together.

The Page Eleven Wars by fireflavored (2010, E, 8.5k)

In a gossip-hungry post-war Wizarding World, Rita Skeeter has a wildly successful column in the Daily Prophet known as Page Eleven. Naturally, her favourite targets are the poster boys of the two sides of the war: Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter.

Blind Date by JosephineStone (2016, T, 8.6k)

Draco’s been working with Harry for years when another one of his relationships goes stale. He has to be married within a year, and though the WizNet has burned him in the past, Draco finds a new possibility in man as desperate to marry as he is.

Stories in E Minor by @huldrejenta (2014, E, 8.7k)

Draco has found his place in the Muggle world. He's got his music, he's got his neighbours and he is content. Until a certain someone from the past enters his life again.

Life goes not backward by @shealwaysreads (2020, T, 8.8k)

Harry still isn’t used to gifts, but this one is different. A story of coming home, finding safe ground, and the wild courage of putting down roots.

Til Our Compass Stands Still by china_nightingale (2018, M, 9k)

Harry and Draco eventually realise that things don't always go to plan, even if it's a plan they've been carefully crafting to keep themselves safe from each other.

The Interest Here by disapparater (2015, T, 9k)

Draco has his own morning show on the wireless, which he loves; an ambitious assistant, whom he needs; and days in The Tea Shop, where he relaxes. He also has a new caller on the show, whom he finds bloody annoying.

Tidings of Comfort series by @blamebrampton (2012, G, 10k)

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. Luckily for Draco Malfoy, London has places where the tired can rest and recover.

Sweet Indulgence by @the-sinking-ship (2020, E, 10k)

It doesn't matter that Marcy from Accounting is dancing on the tables, Shacklebolt is wearing antlers, and Elliot from Transportation is on his third round of Mariah Carey on karaoke because all the free champagne in the world won't salvage the Ministry Christmas party for Draco if Potter doesn't show up soon.

Settle in in my slow-burning heart by orphan_account (2015, NR, 10k)

Five years after the war Draco is working a tech developer job in the Auror Office, and it's all great except this one thing: Harry Potter works there, too.

Adventures in Truth and Texting by @fluxweeed (2020, E, 11k)

Former Death Eaters are being targeted with a Veritaserum curse – it’s permanent, and makes victims speak aloud their every thought. Luckily, it’s easier to control when writing.

fine i'll hold my breath / til i forget it's complicated by teatrolley (2015, NR, 11k)

Harry and Draco become friends with benefits, and Harry thinks it's more complicated than it actually is.

Rebuilding Draco Malfoy by khasael (2011, E, 11k)

Draco wants to do something to get his life back on track, but no-one seems to be taking him seriously – until he finds himself in an Auror training session led by Harry Potter.

Cold Like Fire by QueenofThyme (2012, M, 12k)

Head Auror Harry Potter had no problem with mandatory consent training for his team. He’d actually been looking forward to it, that is, until he discovered who the teacher was.

What’s My Age Again? by @lazywonderlvnd (2018, E, 12k)

Harry Potter has had enough of pleasing the public, and his reckless tendencies are finally getting out of hand.

Title of Their Sex Tape by @cibeewastaken (2020, T, 12k)

What are the Wizarding world's most elite law enforcers doing when they aren't catching criminals? It seems Auror Malfoy is often caught throwing food into Auror Potter's mouth when he's mid-yawn.

Kill, Fuck, Marry by @lettersbyelise (2018, E, 12.6k)

Harry and Draco unexpectedly meet again on Draco’s birthday, years after their last encounter.

The Year of Non-Magical Thinking by whiskyandwildflowers (2018, E, 13k)

“I don't know what I'm going to do, Potter. I'll think of something. So will you. But this is my journey to self-actualization," Draco managed to smirk. "You can fuck off and get your own."

Evolution by @potteresque-ire Pie (2013, M, 13k)

Draco Malfoy was condemned to live a Muggle’s life for his three-year probation. His wand was locked away, and he was forbidden to set foot in Wizarding Britain until Hermione Granger secured a job for him in the Aurors’ stock room.

Plan Alphabet by @xx-thedarklord-xx (2019, T, 14k)

After realizing that his feelings for Harry were unfortunately real, Draco embarks on a foolproof—yes, Longbottom, foolproof—plan to woo Potter.

Countdown by dysonrules (2013, M, 14k)

When the Wizarding world is plagued by random outbreaks of Dark Magic, the Ministry assigns Curse-Breakers to assist Auror teams on their missions.

All Roads Lead Home by @dracogotgame (2015, G, 15k)

Draco is strong-armed into spending the first Christmas after the War with the Weasleys. And Harry Potter.

Espresso Patronum by @tasteofshapes (2020, T, 15k)

When Draco reappears five years after the war and opens a wildly popular coffee shop, Harry’s pretty sure that Draco’s Up to Something. He just has to prove it.

An Act of Kindness for One Harry Potter by a Sympathetic Draco Malfoy by 0idontknow0 (2014, E, 15k)

Someone should give Potter a better rogering than that sorry sod had. The man had saved the bloody world—okay, mostly Europe—the least someone could do was give him a proper shag.

Turn and Face the Strange (time may change me) by @punk-rock-yuppie (2019, T, 16k)

Draco and Harry and how their relationship—and themselves—change over the course of eleven years.

#asks #anon #Drarry reclist #bedtime reads

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theshelbyclan · 4 years ago

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Happy Birthday!

Summary: It’s your birthday! And the Shelby brothers refuse to let another one of their baby sister’s birthday go by without some proper celebrating.

(Gif by @benson-shelby) A/N: It’s actually my birthday today, but due to quarantine I can’t really celebrate it with anyone. So I decided to celebrate with the Shelby’s! Via this little fic, purely self-indulgent, to cheer myself up and to remember some great birthdays I had in the past ;) Set in season 1, you’re just a few years younger than John. Words: 1710 *** “John, get her tea.” “I thought you had the tea.” “Well, then get the milk!” urgent whispers sounded in the hallway.

“I’m not your bloody maid, am I, Ada,” John spat not so quietly in return.

You were lying in bed, awake for hours already. This was the day you’d become a woman, or so Ada had said, but still, your siblings were bickering like little children. It brought a smile to your face. Another annoyed grumble, “Shhh, you’re going to wake her up!” “Am not,” he hissed, “I got your fucking milk, didn’t I!” “Oi!” another low voice joined in, “Ada, you really need to take a look at the toast.” “What about the toast, Arthur?” “Burned it,” he mumbled and you could hear John giggle softly in the dark. Ada sighed deeply, “For fucks sake, fine, I’ll do it. Wait here.” As the least subtle brothers in the world shuffled about in the hallway, you thought of your other birthdays. When you were little, they were celebrated with mum and everyone gathered. During the war, no one paid attention to birthdays any longer. And now, after the war, people tried to get their lives back on track. Only last week you’d made sure Finn had gotten a birthday he’d never forget. And now they tried to return the favour, obviously. Another few minutes and about a thousands curses passed, when they finally tiptoed into the room. Closing your eyes, you decided to play along. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Slowly you sat up and put on a groggy voice, “What are you doing in here?” “You are the worst actor ever, Y/N,” John grinned. “Am I?” you feigned innocence. Ada handed you a cup of tea as John plopped down onto bed next to you, “Did you hear about Arthur burning the toast then?” “I didn’t burn it,” he protested, “Only… blackened it a little.” Ada sent her eldest brother a look, “Polly’s making some more.” “Thanks for the tea,” you smiled and took a sip. Frowning, you narrowed your eyes at John. “You’re not a child anymore, Y/N!” he explained happily. “Move over,” Arthur shoved his brother aside and hugged you, “Happy birthday, sweetheart. This is for you, go on, open it.” Wrapped clumsily in some brown paper, he’d given you a revolver. And just as you were staring at it, Aunt Polly walked in with toast in a lovely shade of light brown. “A gun,” she demanded at once, “For fucks sake, Arthur.” “She needs it to protect herself, Pol,” he returned, and with pride in his voice he added, “And look: it’s a lady’s gun!” You turned the weapon over and saw it was small, delicate and laid in. Still, deadly as any weapon it was. “My turn,” John said, bouncing up and down in excitement almost. He handed Polly your tea and when she sniffed it, she said strictly, “Alright, who put whiskey in her morning tea?” No one answered. Quickly John handed you his present, hardly wrapped at all. Inside, you found a peaky cap, razorblades included. “Honestly, John…” Ada sighed, “She’s not a bloody Blinder!” “It’s all she’s ever wanted!” John called out, “Ever since she could walk, she tried to steal our caps, forever talking about wanting to join us wherever we went. Now she’s got her own!” “I love it,” you beamed up at him, “All I ever wanted.” “Alright,” Ada interrupted, “Clearly Y/N has too many brothers so it’s up to me to turn her into a lady.” “Please do,” Polly sighed, “Or the only interest she’ll ever have is weapons.” She knew her niece well, “That and gambling…” Your sister combed a few rebellious strands of hair behind your ear and planted a kiss on your cheek, “My darling little sister, soon you’ll learn you have more than one way of getting a man to do what you want.” You blinked a few times. This had always been more of Ada’s area of expertise. “She has no idea what you’re on about,” Polly smirked. “Thank God,” Arthur and John said in unison. “Sit still,” Ada demanded and she started applying the lipstick, “Sit. Still.” You furrowed your brows at the unfamiliar feeling, “Just your colour,” Ada commented happily, “As I thought.” “Not bad, that,” Arthur commented as he tilted his head. John leaned back and examined you as well, “Yeah, well, it’s red, isn’t it? I like red...” “Lipstick, a gun and razors,” Ada commented matter-of-factly, “the most deadly Shelby as of yet, Pol!” Aunt Polly rolled her eyes. “Happy birthday, Y/N!” eleven-year-old Finn came running to the room and jumped up into your arms, “You can have mine!” And he thrust his homemade catapult into your hands by form of a gift. “Another weapon, Pol,” Arthur eyed her, “Whatever will become of our innocent little sister?” Aunt Polly rubbed her nose and stammered a little, “Well, you know I don’t agree with you joining the family business… And God knows I’ve tried to rein you in just a little…” “But,” you interrupted, eyes glittering mischievously. “But…” she looked down, “I got you something for your shoes.” “Shoes?” you looked at the little black package she’d handed you. John suddenly burst out laughing in realisation, Arthur tried to hide his face in his hands and Ada commented dryly, “So, no better than us, eh, Pol.” Slowly you opened the package. Inside, you found a small black butterfly knife. *** A few hours had passed, with the regular nonsense that you cherished more than anything in the world. The family was gathered in the kitchen, everyone argued and life seemed perfect. But, one thing was missing. “Where’s Tommy?” you finally asked. “He had business,” Polly answered shortly, “No idea when he’ll be back.” You eyed John carefully, the brother you always turned to, “You think he forgot?” “Nah,” he tried cheering you up, “And you’re doing alright with us, right? Don’t need grumpy here…” You smiled, but still it hurt a little. And then, unexpectedly, Tommy waltzed into the house like it was any other day. “Y/N,” he announced himself coldly, “I need you to come with me.” “Why?” you challenged, “We’re just celebra-“ “I said now, Y/N. Family business.” Tommy interrupted in a low voice. “Thomas…” Aunt Polly started, but he held up a hand to silence her. Then he turned to you and repeated, “Come with me.” Begrudgingly, you got up and followed your brother. Looking back, Arthur motioned you to move it, which made you all the more suspicious. Without moving a muscle in his face, Tommy opened the door and said, “Go on.” You stepped outside and the second you did, applause resounded through the streets. In front of every house, people had gathered and they cheered like you were royalty. You couldn’t believe your eyes. “Tommy, did you…” you started. “He’s been at it all morning,” John explained as he crossed you in the doorway. A few moments later, the sound of hooves echoed in the streets. “What the hell is this,” you said at once. “This,” Tommy made a broad hand gesture, “Is a gypsy on a horse.” “And what, pray tell, is he doing in the middle of town?” You recognised Johnny Dogs now, who called out, “Little Y/N Shelby! Happy birthday, love! How the hell are you!” “I’m grand, Johnny,” you said numbly, “What’s with the horse?” He got off the horse and patted her flank, “She was a lovely filly as first. Sweet, but could never quite be tamed. Third filly out of Shadow, gorgeous beast.” “So, we decided,” Tommy mumbled as he lit a cigarette slowly, “she needed a rider who’d understand.” “What? Being a gorgeous beast?” your cynical reply came. Tommy rolled his eyes, “ ‘could never be tamed’ “. “Well, go on,” Johnny urged, smiling from ear to ear, “Up you get, little one!” Gingerly, you walked over to the horse. As you stroked her nose, Tommy handed you his cigarette and said softly, “What do you think of her?” “She’s an absolute beauty.” Tommy nodded, “Just like you,” but before you could send him a thankful look, he’d walked off again. And with the whole of Small Heath watching on, you climbed up on the horse. *** It was almost midnight when you woke up on a hard cold bench. A splitting headache washed over you as you tried to lift your head. You touched your temple and noticed some blood on your knuckles. Vaguely, you remembered being in the Garrison only a few hours before. You remembered Tommy had closed the betting den and the pub being packed with people, all celebrating your birthday. Memories of card games, songs and laughs came back to you. And the whiskey, so much whiskey. Slowly, you hoisted yourself up. As you looked around, you recognised the inside of the police cell. And you felt at your laced up boots: the knife was still safe inside. A sigh of relief escaped you. “How’s the head, eh?” Recognising your brother’s voice, you looked up without meeting his eye. “What did I do?” you asked finally. After a pause, Tommy replied, “Well, you celebrated your birthday alright.” “Did I have fun?” “Yes, I’d say so.” You frowned, “Why am I in here?” He cleared his throat, “It started with the barmaid and ended with you head-butting a policeman. Quite the Shelby night…” “Is that pride I hear?” Tommy didn’t answer, so you send him your best innocent smile. Eventually he asked, “Was it worth it?” “Hell yes,” you replied in a flash. “Little devil, celebrating her fucking birthday, eh?” “Admit it!” you pointed at him, “you areproud!”

And Thomas Shelby actually smiled through the bars, “Fucking right I am.” When he started to walk away, you shouted, “Oi! What about my bail?” “Paid it!” he called from a distance. “How am I supposed to get home?” you raised your voice even more. Tommy’s reply echoed, “Take your horse. She’s outside.” Myhorse? And just as a policeman with a head in bandages opened the door of your cell, you smiled to yourself: Best birthday ever.

Tommy left the station before you were released, but before he’d gone, he finally said:

“Happy birthday, Y/N.”

***

Masterlist

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heyyyharry · 4 years ago

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Happier

(inspired by happier by Olivia Rodrigo)

Word count: 2.4k

I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go So find someone great, but don't find no one better I hope you're happy, but don't be happier

Part 1: Drivers License

Part 2: Deja Vu

A/N: I edited the original lyrics to match the POV :)

Harry had come up with a thousand scenarios of how this day would play out. Actually, he’d been thinking of this day since the moment he’d received the news. He didn’t dare to hope that she’d say yes to coming back for a sequel. He’d been sure that they would write her character off, give a lame excuse for how his love interest could not make a return and make his character forget about her completely to move on with a new girl in town. It would have been great if it was that easy in real life. Once someone was written off the script, they were gone for good. Real-life relationships were not that simple. Goodbye didn’t mean ‘never see you again’. You would still share the same friend circle and social bubbles, and it was worse when you two worked in the same industry. Harry didn’t know how he’d lasted a year without running into her, not since the Grammys.

“Didn’t you two date?”

“No.” Harry shook his head, but his eyes stayed glued on Y/N from across the room. She wasn’t looking his way, too busy saying hello to everyone else. “No,” he repeated, more to himself than to his co-star. “We didn’t.”

“But she wrote an entire album about you,” said the other twin. What was her name again? Lulu?

“Luna!” cried her sister, Lex. “You can’t ask him that!”

“No, it’s okay,” Harry said with a tight smile, slightly annoyed by the blonde twins, but he didn’t want to seem like an ass on the first day of filming. “And I don’t know if it was for me. You should ask Y/N.”

“Ask me what?”

Harry flinched when he looked up and saw Y/N padding towards them. She hugged the twins, who seemed way too excited. Harry guessed they were Y/N’s fans. They gave off crazy fangirl vibes, probably just pretending not to know the drama to interrogate him. He couldn’t blame them for assuming he was the villain and definitely could not blame Y/N for portraying him as one. It was more important that he knew who he was and how much he had changed since his last relationship. Maybe they could finally be friends.

“Were they bothering you?” Y/N asked him once the twins had left.

Harry nodded. “They’re your friends?”

“Oh, I met them last year on tour. I’m surprised you don’t know them. They were on Disney.”

“I don’t watch Disney,” Harry admitted with a smile. “Well, not today’s Disney.”

“Understandable.” Y/N nodded and bit her lip. She seemed guarded with her straight back and hands hidden behind her. She eyed him up and down, quite subtle yet noticeable. “How have you been?”

“Pretty good,” he said, nodding slowly. “You?”

“Yeah, but mostly tired because of tour.”

“You’re done?”

“Yup, last night was the last show.”

“Nice.”

Y/N raised an eyebrow. “Nice?”

Harry blinked. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No.” Y/N giggled. “You still sound very...you.”

“Well, shouldn’t I?”

“Yeah, you should. But it’s been a year so…I mean, you haven’t changed much.”

“Right,” he said lowly, his eyes falling to his feet. Harry supposed he should say something else, perhaps bringing up another random topic to discuss, but all he could think about was what had happened between them. Things had been messy, hadn’t they? How could they go back to before that? Before her first song about him. Before he’d chosen someone else over her.

Or he could talk about her new relationship. She’d been in a happy relationship for almost six months, right? No wait, hadn’t they broke up two weeks ago? He wasn’t sure because he hadn’t been catching up. If they’d broken up, he’d sound like an ass to even mention her ex’s name. He should just stay quiet.

“I’ll see you later?” she said, gesturing at her stylist who was waiting by the door.

Harry could ask her right now -- the reason she’d agreed to film the sequel to their first movie together. He’d heard from a very reliable source that she’d specifically asked her agent to decline any project that he was in. So did this mean they were good? That she didn’t hate him anymore? He could have gathered his courage and got the answer right then…

“Yeah, see you.”

...but he didn’t.

And so she gave him a smile and a little wave, then happily returned to her stylist.

“See you tomorrow, Y/N!”

“See you, Annie!” Y/N said as she put the rest of her things into her tote bag. Her new driver had got her schedule mixed up, and so she had to wait here for another half an hour. She was in no rush. It had been a light first day, and she’d had a fun time getting to know the new cast members and catching up with old friends.

She sat on the sofa in the lobby, legs crossed, texting her best friend about her day. She’d purposely left out the short off-screen conversation with Harry, and her best friend didn’t even bother to ask. In their world, he didn’t exist, and his name was censored in every conversation like a curse word that was even worse than ‘cunt’. Nevertheless, she didn’t hate him anymore. She was doing just fine on her own, being busy with her career, and she’d been in a happy relationship after her fall out with him.

She and the guy, a model, had broken up two weeks ago due to long distance and some differences that they could not change. They had ended on good terms and decided to stay friends. They said you could only stay friends with your ex when you still had feelings for each other, or you had never loved each other that much in the first place. For her, it was probably the latter. Her previous relationship had been more platonic than romantic, apparently. So she had nothing but the best to say about him.

As she was going through her camera roll, just reminiscing about the past, she heard footsteps approaching and looked up to find Harry. He offered a smile and gestured to the spot beside her on the sofa. “May I sit here? My ride is late.”

“Yeah, sure.” She hurriedly scooted over.

“Good job today,” he said. “You were great.”

“Thanks, so were you.” She smiled, and they both looked away at the same time. This was so awkward. She hated small talk. She’d never had to have small talk with Harry. Conversations with him used to be so easy and natural and silly. Whatever this was, it wasn’t them.

“Can we just be normal?”

At first, Y/N thought she’d been the one who’d said it, so when she realised it’d been Harry, she was speechless.

He swallowed and sat a bit straighter, still not looking at her. “I don’t want us to be weird and awkward.”

“Okay,” she said.

He cleared his throat. “Wanna try again?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Okay, not to sound like an ass but when Joey kept forgetting his lines, I was so pissed off, I could throw a chair at the wall.”

“Right?!” exclaimed Y/N, feeling free to have finally broken out of her shell. “Like, he doesn’t even have many lines. I know he’s new but damn...you can’t get far if you don’t learn your goddamn lines.”

Harry shook with laughter. “Oh God, we sound like dicks, don’t we?”

“Maybe.” Y/N laughed, covering her mouth. “But you know what? We can’t be nice in this industry. It’s impossible.”

“Shhh, if someone heard this, we would be into big trouble.”

“Oh please, I’ve had worse articles written about me than ‘Y/N speaks facts about her lazy co-star’.”

Harry tossed his head back and cackled. “The worst one I’ve got this week was ‘Harry Styles hates therapists.’”

“What?!” Y/N gasped. “No way! That’s so stupid!”

“Right?” Harry rolled his eyes. “I could get all my therapists to speak up for me but I’m kinda immune to bullshit now.”

“Therapists? Like plural?”

“Yeah, one in every city.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah.”

Y/N rubbed her hands onto her legs. “Rough year?”

Harry’s eyes rolled to the back of his head as he leaned back. “You have no idea.” Then he swept his hair out of his eyes, sucked in a breath, and finally looked at her. “I wish I could have talked to you, though.”

She bit her tongue, knowing what she was about to say next would disappoint her best friend so much, but she had to. “So do I.”

Harry looked taken aback before his lips curled into a smile. “It’s silly, isn’t it? I haven’t talked to you in a year, and I feel like I know everything that’s happened to you except that I don’t.”

What he’d just said might make no sense for most people, but Y/N knew exactly what he meant. She nodded and wetted her lip. “You only know as much as everyone else does.”

“Yeah, I got updates on you from the news and our friends.”

“Same.” Y/N smiled back. “I hate how they write articles about your new haircut but not mine.”

“I like your new hair colour.”

“Thanks. I like your new car.”

Then they both burst out laughing. It was fun and also a little bit strange that Y/N didn’t feel the same anxiety talking to him as she used to. It must be because they had grown and were now meeting again as better people.

“Damn, my ride's here,” Y/N said as she read the text from her driver. “I gotta go now.”

“Oh, okay.” Harry stood up and followed Y/N to the entrance. “Hey, just wondering--”

“Yeah?”

“Am I...am I still blocked?” He looked a bit flustered as she tilted her head and squinted her eyes. “On your phone. Because I remember you having my number blocked--”

“I unblocked you on your birthday.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah.” Y/N shrugged. “I should’ve sent you a happy birthday text but...I didn’t want your girlfriend to get the wrong ideas.”

“My ex.”

“Yeah, I know.”

They smiled at each other one last time before saying goodbye. Y/N knew it was silly, but she was hoping he would go after her.

Ding.

A notification popped up when she was in the car. She was almost home, and it was from Harry’s number. He’d sent her a link with a message that said, “Hope you like it :)”.

Curious, she tapped on it and was directed to an audio file titled ‘Track 5’. The upload date was last year. About two weeks after their short conversation at the Grammys.

Hurriedly, she fumbled inside her bag for her iPods and put it on before she pressed play.

“Hey, Jeff, I couldn’t sleep so I wrote this song. Listen and let me know if it should go on the album.”

Then came the piano intro. It sounded good, so Y/N wondered how it hadn’t ended up on his last album.

But when he started to sing...

We ended a while ago Your friends are mine, you know, I know You've moved on, found someone new One more guy who brings out the better in you

And I thought my heart was detached From all the sunlight of our past But he’s so nice, he’s so funny Does he mean you forgot about me?

Oh, I hope you're happy But not like how you were with me I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go So find someone great, but don't find no one better I hope you're happy, but don't be happier

And does he tell you you’re the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen? An eternal love bullshit he might not even mean Remember when you were with me I meant it when you heard it first from me

And now I'm pickin' him apart Like cuttin' him down will make you miss my wretched heart But he’s charming, he looks kind He probably gives you butterflies

I hope you're happy But not like how you were with me I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go So find someone great, but don't find no one better

I hope you're happy I wish you all the best, really Say you love him, baby Just not like you loved me And think of me fondly when your hands are on him I hope you're happy, but don't be happier

The song was for her. He’d written it when her new relationship had gone public. Y/N sat there, staring blankly ahead until the honking of a car tore open her inner peace, and reality came crashing back in. The driver dropped her off at her house. Instead of going inside, she stood on her front steps and replayed the song one more time. When it ended, she decided to text him: Why didn’t this make it to the album?

She didn’t know where he was now, but it showed ‘typing’ in less than a second, as if he’d been waiting in their chat since he’d sent that link.

You would’ve hated me, Y/N.

True, she replied. Still, I would’ve loved the song lowkey. And added, I love it btw.

He took so long to type that it was driving her crazy. She flopped down on the concrete stair with her phone clutched in her hands, her heart thundering against her ribcage. Anxiety popped like a balloon when his message appeared: Were you happier?

She reread it again and again.

No.

I wasn’t either, he responded. I kept getting deja vu.

Ha, nice reference.

That song is my guilty pleasure. Love listening to you roasting me on loop.

That last message made Y/N bury her face into her palm and giggle like a fool. She thought for a second and wrote: I could come roast you in person now if that’s what you prefer. I think we’ve never had a proper roasting.

Can we meet, Y/N? Or are you busy now?

No, not busy.

Great, I’ll pick you up.

Just tell me where, she responded with a smile on her face. I got my drivers license now :)

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