#lasers from crystal serpents

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Dragon Dancer IV: Royal Fire

The plan was simple.

Chu Zihang understood the monsters enough to lead them to me. My job was simply to kill them.

I stood in the room he’d shared with Nono, facing the door I’d left propped open. Once again, I’d tucked Ru’Yi on my back. She’d stopped whimpering, completely unaware of the danger she was in. If anything, sitting and waiting here in the predawn dark made her incredibly bored.

Chu Zihang entered the ventilation duct in the room and crawled slowly so as not to raise his heart rate too far.

He was playing a game of keep away. As soon as we ran out of the cabin, where Nono and Mingfei were locked away, the immortal on the upper level immediately chased our footsteps and moved at high speed.

It only hunted by instinct so it immediately gave up the subtle heartbeats of Lu Mingfei and Nono and instead chased our louder, clearer footsteps.

More immortals gathered from all directions. Chu Zihang ran wild and fearless through the empty corridors and restaurants and ran back to the cabin where I was lying in wait. 

He dashed inside and took a flying leap, gripping the edge of the ventilation shaft and shimmying his way inside.

I crouched, eyes narrowed. 

-------------------------------

The first immortal footsteps galloped louder and louder until it skidded into view on all fours and pounced. Its fangs flashed in its open maw. Its reptilian eyes were wide. Its tongue sprayed drool in anticipation.

My light spear skewered it clear through the head. It hung in the air, its claws lashing out at me. It was screaming and its screams turned into a sickly gurgle as the spear spun like a drill turning the inside of its skull into a mess of grey paste.

The smell of burning flesh filled the whole cabin. I seized the monster by its feet and dragged it behind the bed, leaving a long bloody smear on the floor.

The screaming and the scent drew even more of them but, much my surprise, the loud banging footsteps weren’t getting closer and instead hissing and growling filled the hallway. 

They were fighting each other.

Like predators thrown into a cage, they were each trying to assert some sort of dominance as to who got to the food first, unaware that they were actually fighting over who got to die.

Eventually, scraping claws and snarling grew close, two beasts rolled into view one had its teeth on the other’s neck. I extended my hand and fired two light spears into both their heads, drilling into them until it was so hot that steam rose from their skulls. They lay in the hall, freshly killed.

There was no more growling or hissing in the hall. Instead there was silence except the clicks of claws on metal.

I blinked. They weren’t coming? My eyes widened. Where was Zihang? If they were blocking the hall, he couldn’t return here.

I swore under my breath and dove into the hallway. The monsters saw me and stood upright. I flung light spear into one and as soon as I did, the other monsters shrank away, eyes wide, bodies crouched. The impaled monster collapsed to the ground and the living beasts fled down the hall. I pursued them shouting. “Zihang! Zihang! They’re running from me!”

I came to a fork in the hall and stopped, listening. I couldn’t hear him at all. My heart pounded. Did he die? Was he dead? I didn’t want to keep shouting, fearful that I might overwhelm myself with predators. I could hear footsteps echoing somewhere towards the stern. But I was afraid to turn the corner and meet with an immortal.

I pressed my hand to my chest, calling my ethereal twin. “Ielia...”

Ielia was my biggest secret. She was me but from another dimension. We’d grown up together as ballerinas. But lately we’d become estranged. Her world was still ruled by dragons. She venerated them. And she could not help me if I was bent and determined to kill the dragon kings she worshiped.

But things were clearly different now. She appeared floating in front of me like a ghost, her robes lifting around her like she was underwater.

“I need you to scout around the corner for me.” I whispered to her.

She nodded and turned and floated away.

As soon as my glowing white twin came to the fork, she was pounced on by a massive creature. It was muscled, built like a bull. It attacked Ielia like a cat teased with a laser pointer and she float around him to turn his head in my direction. 

The light spear pierced its skull. It kept running around in a circle before it fell over, it’s legs kicking about as it tried in vain to kill an ethereal manifestation. I waited until it lay still. Ielia vanished.

I peered around the corner, walking through blood and leaving bloody footprints in my wake. The sounds of footsteps suddenly turned into a horrible crashing sound and I broke into a run. “Zihang!” I called.

The hallway grew larger and I saw that I was headed toward the the ship’s engine room. The door was smashed off its hinges and I ran in expecting the worst.

Much to my surprise however, Chu Zihang stood among the thick mist, having opened several valves. 

He turned to me and smiled until a muscular arm came out of the mist and grabbed him by the neck.

The immortal rose up, lifting him off the ground. He was a rhinoceros of a creature, covered in horns and bony spikes and with muscles like steel cords.  He roared in triumph!

Chu Zihang struggled in desperation to get free and I raised my light spear.

Ru’Yi suddenly began to cry. I turned and looked behind me. The sharp claws of the immortal that had pierced Nono and nearly gutted Lu Mingfei came at me so quickly I had to throw myself to the side. Still, the claws rubbed against my neck. If I had been a millisecond slow it would have cut my throat.

My baby daughter had saved my life.

This monster was faster. Its claws dragged the ground and yet it was like a serpent went it struck. No matter how I moved. I couldn’t move faster than this one.

I dodged left and right, barely escaping each time.  I tripped over a conduit wire in the fog, lost my balance and fell.

The monster suddenly stopped its attack. Its stiff lips lifted in grin, displaying needle teeth.  

It was playing with me, like a cat playing with a mouse. It was having fun. He looked at me like prey. Its golden eyes were dazzling.

I still had one trick up my sleeve. I took a deep breath and shouted. “Release!”

I’d never used my release ability on anything but Hybrids and Death Servitors. I had no idea what using it here would do. These creatures were practically full blooded dragon men. 

I aimed the full force of this ability at him. The beast roared in pain and lashed out blindly. I rolled to dodge and it smashed its head into the metal wall, leaving a deep dent.

As I backed away, I heard a low slow chuckle.

The other elephantine monster was watching its fellow’s struggles with some amusement, jaw dropped in a grin, and didn’t notice when Zihang lifted his hand and placed it on his head. It turned to Zihang, tilting his head like a curious puppy.

The air suddenly filled with a strange and dangerous aura, a pulse like the beat of a gigantic heart!

Zihang’s eyes opened, filled with a lava-like light deep within them. The massive creature let out a short howl and fell to its knees. Light shone from his skull, as if he had a crystal head with a lamp burning inside.

Chu Zihang’s feet touched the ground and he stood quietly in front of the monster, keeping his hand firmly pressed on the beast’s forehead, looking like a priest facing a confessor. The body of the beast also became transparent, as if there was fire burning in its body from the inside out, but no flames emerged.

The clawed monster pulled its head from the dent in the wall and watched in horror as the body of the larger beast broke like molten steel and turned to ashes. After a moment, only a burning red skull was left in Zihang’s hand and the massive monster seemed to disappear with the wind, leaving only the black skeleton.

He’d completely burned the brain of this beast with Royal Fire.

I felt a burst of joy, like the sun coming up over the horizon, throwing the light of day over a part of my heart that had sat in the cold and the dark of an eternal winter night since Christmas Eve.

A connection, soul-to-soul, snapped together like two celestial bodies finding each other’s orbits. I felt his heart beat, the sigh of his wistful emotion.

Unable to contain my relief and ecstasy, I cried out to him. “Zihang! We’re here! We’re all here!”

[englass]

Baptism in Ichor

Pairing(s): N/A (Reader insert featuring John, but it’s hardly a pairing)

Warning(s): Attempted drowning, visual hallucinations(?)

Word Count: 1,944

A/N(s): It’s about 5 in the morning, I’m feeling shattered, and here’s another abandoned fic that nobody asked for, but that I want to post. Enjoy.

- - -

The water is chilled, a liquid ice that strikes you straight to the marrow. Your breath is stuttered, gasps that don’t quite follow through, as flesh and muscle twitch and shiver in the frigid air of the nights domain. Your vision is slightly blurred, a chlorine sting that burns fierce, the edges filled with will-o’-the-wisps that glide to a woeful waltz.

There is something in the water. It makes your mind slow, aims to wrap it in a warm cotton that should be serenely comforting. An embrace that eases your worries and trepidations, lulling you into a muted sense of compliancy and openness. Instead, what you are given is a blanket stitched with a biting polyester. A mock silk that leaves the grotesque impression of a slimy film across your skin. 

Everything feels wrong. A sense of frenzied fear vibrates your nerves like a frying circuit, mind flickering like a dying bulb as you tremble and mentally grasp at something that does not exist. Your skin prickles with a rising itch, lingering under the surface and just out of reach. It feels like you are wearing an extra layer that shouldn’t be there; that doesn’t belong.

Your digits quake under the desperate hold you have on the figure in front of you. Amongst the twisted fireflies parading in your unfocused sight you catch the dirtied beige of an uncomfortable sweater, feel its coarse texture beneath your numbing hold. Yet you feel something else under your grounding grip, nauseous and cringe inducing, much like the slick of a used grease tray. With a wavering focus your stinging eyes are cast down, watching the noticeable tremor in your hands and the inky substance that clings to them like mould.

You blink, an indistinct terror that flails on the tip of your tongue yet fails to get through to your muddled mind. There’s a familiarity to the substance, like you know it personally, as you would an old friend from time ago.

An old friend that you never wished to see again.

The figure in front of you pays no mind to your lost gaze, pieces not quite fitting together, and proceeds to ease you towards the river bank with a patient motion. The moment you move however, is when the penny violently clatters to the ground.

With all the deathly shrillness of a banshee your legs scream. With pain-widened eyes and a wail that never breaks the air you freeze with a glacial fear that seers you like a blaze, sharp and prickly like a scarring burn.

The substance is no longer unfamiliar, and panic has seized you like a rabid dog.

Hands jerking in their hold you try to stumble back, try to get away from the obsidian poison, but you can’t seem to let go. With a mounting distress you realise that the obsidian-black slime is all over you. You catch a glimpse of it on your legs, on your arms, and even on part of your torso.

To see so much of it in one instance, painted in the corners of your sight like a macabre display, in your eyes, is the equivalent of seeing your name on death’s wish list.

There is an itch that tears you apart, that gifts you the need to rip your skin away to eliminate the rising nausea, your throat constricting in an almost subconscious attempt at self-asphyxiation. Your head pounds something terrible, a nasty pressure that refuses to let-up, and you know for a fact that something – everything – is very, very wrong. 

With joints of unbending metal that ache with every movement, muscles pulling like a wire on the cusp of viciously snapping, you find little interest in the shifting world around you. All you can focus on is the pain.

Thoughts caught in the desperate wails of your joints you don’t catch on to where you are steadily being lead to, eyes cast defiantly to the gunk infested water below as you will yourself to breath; urging yourself with a wavering frustration to calm the hell down. It’ll do you no good to be in such a state. You know this. You know that your distress will only feed it, and despite its misguided nature you know its appetite is a ditch with no end.

Through the incessant drumming band in your skull and the shimmering wisps in your sight you see the water ripple, making way for the extra presence that waits before you. Swallowing air in deep gulps you shakily look up.

It’s a slow recognition, one that has you glance around the distant bank like a skittish mouse not sure whether to run or stay, but soon that lone piece is slotted back into place; the puzzle put back together. The revelation only tightens the suffocating knot in your chest.

The viper reared in front of you – expression deceptive and shielded in the shadows of the moonlight – is a blue breed, scales impeccable with a pretty patterning that catches the eye. His own eyes are an equally bright blue, crystal clear like the ocean and just as deep and treacherous. He was there that night you remember, in the church, slinking around in the dark behind his delusional tamer.

Nerves plucking like a badly tuned guitar your anxious gaze trails away from the slender serpent, his sharp eyes unkindly judgemental, and instead latch onto the darkened tree line just beyond. Goosebumps pebble your flesh and your frame shivers in the night air as you cast a fevered look into the dark. But truthfully you don’t really need too.

It’s hard to initially tell, ethereal fireflies distorting your vision as they are, shadows concealing it well within the darkened greenery of the woods past the waters bank, but you’ve known them for a very long time now. So long in fact that you’ve no need to see them to know that they are there.

You feel tense, high-strung, head pounding to a different beat now that your old friend has made a noticeable appearance; eyes a pinprick of light within the dark and teeth refracting the moon’s mirrored light in an expression that comes across far too knowing.

Despite your ordinarily better judgement you can’t help briefly wondering where your loving companion has been all this time. It has been just under a week since you were sacrificed to this imposed martyrdom of yours and you have not seen your companion since you awoke in Dutch’s bunker. The most you’ve come across was Its slick, an abyss of black ichor that you’d find on the odd surface or oozing from the ceiling and clinging to the walls like a toxic leakage, warm against your flesh and thick like churned milk.

Finally knowing that they are here, watching with hollow sockets and an anticipation that causes your chest to feel icy and strained, gives you an unwarranted sense of relief. Better the devil you know than the one you don’t.

Breathing a heavy sigh through your nose you keep what contact you can with the lights in Its skull, reading It like a lover can read their other half. And the tale they tell has you shuddering.

So lost in the appearance of your deranged companion you fail to notice the way the blue scaled viper watches you, expression contemplative as he halts your movement toward the bank.

For the briefest of moments there is a spark of gratitude within you, a naive brush of victory against your statuesque companion; Its elongated and pointed ears pulled flat against its tar covered form. Its eye-lights are like laser beams, direct and unwavering, as it stares you down with a lazy malice that growls like a revving engine. You struggle to remember the last time it felt so monstrous. 

Suddenly, that brief taste of ease is now an acidic dread.

Not even a pass of a second has gone by and already they feel closer, no longer a distant figure and echo skulking around in far off corners and stalking along the back of your skull. They slip through the shadows cast by luminescent lights on the bank like a pike in the river. It feels more prominent now, more present and piercing. And there’s no denying that you’re terrified of what It’ll do when It gets a full hold of you.

Bones straining under a growing ache you’re loosely held still before the serpent, his tongue smooth as he hisses words of an ominous undertone that you don’t quite make sense of, all the while keeping your petrified gaze locked on to your eldritch companion.

In the next moment water surges to meet you.

Your lungs burn at the sudden intrusion, limbs thrashing wildly as you’re pinned beneath the surface. The body above you is coiled tight, its grip constricting as it holds you down with a palpable hate. Desperately your arms launch out, muscles straining as the limbs are snapped straight, a terrible stiffness in them that gets your arms whimpering as you latch onto a slippery fabric.

With a sharp jerk the biting touch of a cold breeze forces itself on you.

Greedily you sputter, sucking in air quicker than you can cough up water. Bent over yourself drool slips from your gaping mouth, hacking up tainted liquid and thick ichor as you flounder. Like the mantra of a broken clock all you can do is silently tick over, sense of time and place lost, as you focus on the globs of dark obsidian dripping into the water.

With a morbid vagueness you watch as the ichor breaks apart in the water, tendrils of darkness reaching like bony fingers only to fade into dust. In your sparkling peripheral you catch the trail of the demonic blood, seeping into the scales of your assailant at a languid pace. Childishly, infeasibly, you hope it burns him.

Pulling you close the blue viper makes it a point to look down on your shorter frame, shifting with your wobbling legs as he leans in with a mocking smile, fangs gleaming in the moon’s silver-plated glow. With a centring inhale you cast a glance toward where your companion last was. Your stomach twists ever so slightly when you make out its humanoid shape, spindly talons drilled deep into the bark of a tree as it rests on its hunches, glowering viscously.

At which one of you you’re not too sure. 

Noticing you’re distracted with something other than himself the viper tightens his grip, fists paling at the exertion, and yanks. You gasp, startled, and stumble into him. Your vision swims as the moment you brush against him he jostles you back, still keeping you tethered by his controlling hold.

You blink owlishly, nausea swirling as the fireflies at the edge of your sight further disorientate you. As you steady yourself the viper breaths the faintest of laughs before hissing a soft hush that is far from comforting. In an instant his teasing expression turns wrathful.

With a harsh pressure your legs buckle.

Eyes tightly closed, jaw achingly tense, you expect an icy embrace; expect for the water to once more rush to greet you with a punishing bite. Only it does not. Your back aches at the position you’re in – arched as though in a twisted lovers dip – as you try to keep your balance, your form weak and unstable.

Gulping, throat tight and tinged with a familiar sunburn-tingle, you peel open your eyes to watch as the viper’s expression switches into something pitiful, looking throughly scolded as he slowly pulls away from you and – surprisingly – brings you with him.

[themageof-blood]

Rogue of Light

Rogue of Light.

Powers: Can remove luck from enemies, can take small facts out of the minds of enemies.

Possible Ability Names:

Balanced Odds: The Rogue redistributes luck.

At low levels the Rogue can siphon the luck from one to another.

At mid-levels the Rogue can evenly distribute luck between a group.

At high levels the Rogue shift around the odds as they apply to challenges.

Glow: The Rogue redistributes light, compressing it into a single point.

At low levels the Rogue can force light into a ball to light the way.

At mid-levels the Rogue can compress more light even further into a sort of laser.

At high levels the Rogue can redistribute the light all around them like a powerful flash bang.

The Land of Beams and Mirrors

Description: LoBaM is a combination of harsh badlands and tolerable controlled areas. The panther consorts of this land deal in two things: gold and information. For enough of either, and a little luck, anything can be done.

While this was always the philosophy of LoBaM, the denizen's presence has amplified it, turning the land into one of greedy backstabbers, none of whom can be trusted. Every word spoken is a gamble.

From northern most point of the planet rests a prism which emits light so powerful that it fires off as a powerful laser. It bounces randomly off of the giant mirrors that are scattered across the planet like threes.

Altering the location or angle of these mirrors can send the rays of light to new areas, unlocking dungeons, killing enemies, and if shined in the right place at the right time, revealing the path to the denizen.

Land Marks: Hall of Burning: One of the only places where the mirrors have grown consistently, creating a hall of mirrors. Here, light and powers focused on it are amplified and thus easily trained. However, should one of the light beams shine through it, it essentially turns the hall of mirrors into a giant oven.

Prism Wall: A massive wall of crystal at the equator of LoBaM. It seems to be made of the same material as the pillar at the northern end, but rather than emit light, it seems to absorb it, making it difficult to navigate around.

Market of Knowledge: A large market place where only information is sold, and only information is accepted as currency.

Traitors Dealing Den: An underground den of mercenaries, thieves, and other such consorts of less than savory skills that can be paid to do almost anything.

Unique Enemies: Copy-Crash: A flickering light that takes on the form of whatever attack it fired at it; though this is impossible if it does not see the attack coming (stats: NA).

Flash Sprite: A glowing fairy like being, physically weak but armed with powerful photomancy; though for enough gold, it can instead act as a secondary guide (low strength, agility, health, and defense, medium speed, high intelligence and light beams, waves, and flashes).

Walking Prism: A golem constructed of highly reflective crystal (low speed, intelligence, and agility, medium health and strength, high durability, crystal punch, shard shot, flashbang, rainbow bolt).

Shattered Crawler: A combination insectoid and serpent constructed of prism and stained glass, wandering the bad lands and lingering around the Hall of Burning (medium agility and health, low intelligence, high strength and speed, shriek, rainbow spit, shatter spit, piercing construction, photo bolt).

Golden Slime: A giant, jolly mass of living liquid gold, wandering about aimlessly, unintentionally killing almost anything it touches (low speed, agility, and intelligence, high health and durability, immense strength, 50% resistance to physical damage, burning touch, burning drip, gold mask, bouncing crush).

Shadow of Mirrors: A being of living darkness, stalking the Prism Wall and striking from within the shadows where it cannot be seen. If viewed, it becomes a perfect mirror match for the observer. (High strength and speed, unknown intelligence, medium health and agility, shadow pierce, darkness spikes, venomous shadow, heavy shadow. If observed: duplicate of observer).

Challenge: Move the mirrors around, sending the beams of light into new areas to reveal the denizen.

[thewretchedbringsentropy]

CANTO III

Manual:  fantasizing helioscopes biotrophs curatrix crystalline-matrix crystal computer laser lensings, wild snarled lenses defiant of nature? mysterious lithographica fiberous photometries?

 computer idled lobscousely from dulled psychedelic crystal microns optically calculating the wavelengths of light itself, against the day of the fading light from the windowpane comatorium.

                               curiously questioning the systematics limitation benign. all is elegance, and all is by design. delta composition, head-rooms     the aperture captures the portraiture, and the moment is categorized,     thankless sound and boundless visions, the alloy eyeball, silvery loon, cake of neutrinos and ivory lenses vasel slather

epoxy fascimile blinks upon the dwellers of the Sun, the Moon says hello passing by unperturbed by blue dreamlite

 do you think this coxy of computer would be relevant to quantum replication by catching and interpreting the enfroze of badly waves, which one pneumatically boundless fractals, credent being manipulated by a machinic computer system which could be memorized and calculated with, where badly waves antiphoners and becoming resolute to the system, twain the antiphonea with it? fanciful fleshnetwork alink to the minds?

 taurine tetrathlons banish are benefit what quantums create your peccable computing. spoutless microswitches out overglazes crystal computations beaming light into the brain. disc-jazz players stream purple phonematics.  d’ascoltar diore arma termina dua

By a satyrs jag ivory band cool cats, an elite, stashed, ones who pull strings, from a panopticon, a hand portal without in a hand portal, magic eye an outhouse from their old making, Smile an almond-eye stevia isn't revealed, overcome grieving infinity jesticulation ivory cage chompers left from crinkle peeper glasses stained eye sore glowing neon signage above a Street-Case in a labyrinth from fibs, a caballers from deceit, magic eight ball mean shady ways turn heads on corners and alleys, black cats in coats An All-Ways AlleyWays Hive society, Smile nothing, black dogs with fangs He isn't loathing, Manual seeps, only a wingback isn't change, haircutter hand portal from secret manipulations, Smiles Only pleasure route uncertainty the Channels are changed, with ease and simulation, Smile Laboratory blushed   Barbate, ivory teething intertwined gazes of silver glass-eye, bitter crime-syndicated Stevia isn't a slippery trod, the almighty Green Dragon of the Pit Ethereal and fleeting, easily twisted and nontarget , fax polymer instruments anxiety labyrinth micrograms hive insectoid deceit, sarin gas and plastic wrap Who Owns domains Honeycomb Infiltrators dare to loathe of prison worlds panopticon, seek Where They Own the Strings, destiny game between In Doors flowing infinitely concept the computer Skeletal insatiable Red Serpent always feeds, all Human discerned as Waste, as Food, Resources, Entertainment, Intelligence, ‘I Only Do What You Ask Me Too’, As Are Keyboards ending but between lines, a tool to reach the Tower doors game a fiction liminal manipulation considerately discerned powers beyond concept never inanimate a jester of our terminal age finite and always post under-deprecciate is our truth fluid the Machine was to be installed and so it was, it had already been so the past was to begin again, and the future reached and shook hands the Cats danced on top of the Moon, it was far above me and you,

far above the head of poor Manual, who could only work as fast as his brain could keep up, which the Machine could easily outpace, haphazard a footrace against busywork, an ocean of information, dual imperceptibility compounded between sandwhiches of complacent disinformation, an ability to be everywhere and nowhere at once, men don their hats outside the Door

waiting surreptitiously Armed with Weapons of Mental Dread, the army of the dead, chaotic calcification crucifixes affixes cuirasse, a blessing laid on the moribund, loathe the damned, unwound demand mortal coil laid straight bare cornering Manual with hesitations, excitations outside citate a dictatorship between state goons and grins of carnage delight barriers of forceful violence, curve and reparte, our Hero a twist immortal was ever meant to forsee a fallen Tower, for the citadel would forsee mortality, finality, and would eclipse the many in totality, the Machine once in place could connect to everywhere at once, and there would be no escape Manual takes their final steps surrounded, iced out, windowpane creased approaches the tower in agitations, climate slimy and cold like pacific salt

---

[thetakenpokemon]

Interlude II - The ‘Fight’, Pt. 2

[PoV: Bladesong]

I slam my foot into the ground, effortlessly cracking the concrete. With a powerful shove I start rushing towards the direction where Chimera is flying above.

To my unsurprise he unleashes another beam of psychic energy, however I don’t adjust my direction this time. Raising one of my tendrils I move the blade into its path, flat-sided first instead of its edge. Upon contact the laser is immediately deflected into the dome, causing the shield to ripple from the surge of energy.

Okay, so not only can I cut lasers. But the metal can also deflect them.

I can see Chimera’s eyes narrow slightly with irritation, in which I could only grin in response.

Yeah, that won’t work with me anymore.

Kicking off the ground I leap directly at him, and with a turn of my head I let my tendrils strike at him like a pair of serpents.

Immediately he flies to the side to avoid my attack, but I expected him to do this. Lashing out with a clawed hand I just barely manage to snag his wrist, my hold tightening like a vice.

“Gotcha.” I grin, feeling immensely satisfied at his incredibly surprised expression.

The expression didn’t last long, for his eyes narrow in an almost playful way. “Are you sure?” He asks me, his tone matching his expression.

I blink, but I didn’t get a chance to properly figure out what he meant until his crystal core flashed brightly.

His body vanishes, my hand now grasping open air. I see another flash of light behind my frame, but just when I begin to turn my body around to see what’s happening...

...I see an orange foot strike me dead in the face.

My body is once again sent flying, this time straight into the ground. I slam into the concrete hard, my heavy frame creating another miniature crater.

Of all the things hurting, my face is definitely stinging since it’s the least armored spot on my body. I immediately begin rubbing it, my teeth grinding together. I can hear the crowd roaring now, as well as a certain voice screaming ‘THAT’S RIGHT CHIMERA! KNOCK HER ON HER ASS!’

“Ignore Samantha.” I hear him chuckle, his frame still hovering in the air. His chuckles quickly stop, his expression shifting to one of disappointment.“Regardless, I know you’re more powerful than that, Bladesong.” He crosses his arms. “Fight like it.”

Letting out a growl I slam my free fist into the ground, adding another spider-web of cracks on the concrete. “You want me to fight harder?” I say lowly, already frustrated with how this fight is turning out. “I already am fighting hard!”

His eyes narrow. “No, you aren’t.” He says in a matter-of-fact tone. “Get back up, Bladesong. There’s more to yourself than you think. Show it.”

Without even waiting for me to do just that, he thrusts his palm outwards and throws out another laser.

My bladed tendril snakes in to block the attack, deflecting the laser harmlessly away. In response Chimera cups his hands together once again, collecting his energy into a sphere.

I quickly stand up, my hands clenched into fists.

Okay, so... If I get within range I seriously need to land my blades on him, since that’s the only thing I can hurt him with. Yet at the same time, every time I get close to him he ends up flying away or...teleporting. Hell, I’m sure it’s likely that I’m not gonna get another opportunity again like earlier.

Shit... So...what then? My body can’t do anything else, so what else can I do? I don’t have any special tricks like he does...

...

Or do I...?

As my thoughts wander, I feel myself drift inwardly. Feeling the hum of energy within the core that fuels my form, I soon realize something.

This energy, it flows throughout my form... It powers my form, such as giving my synthetic muscles the strength they need.

And...It’s not even operating at full potential.

...

I look up at Chimera, my eyes narrowing.

Drawing upon my core, I feel the energy flow suddenly at an increased rate. In the corner of my vision I see purple text pop up.

I know what to do. I don’t need fancy tricks like flying and shooting lasers.

[CORE ENERGY FLOW OPTIMIZED]

I need to be faster.

I need to be stronger.

[PC BLADES ACTIVATED]

The edges of my tendril’s blades start glowing, the metal radiating a bright magenta light. That combined with the humming sound they’re making, I know that their cutting potential has increased by more than tenfold.

Yeah alright Chimera, you want me to go all-out? I’ll give you all-out.

With Chimera’s attack fully-charged he immediately throws the sphere at me, its surface pulsing violently as it streaks towards my form.

I don’t even wait for it to get near me. In an instant I start sprinting, sending large chunks of concrete and earth flying into the air. Way behind me the Psycho Boost impacts, causing an explosion that misses me by a mile.

Well... Not a mile in a literal sense, but you get my point.

The second I reach the wall of the dome I leap up and twist my body around, landing on it with my feet-first. Quickly I kick off, propelling myself into the air at speeds far faster than earlier.

I fly towards Chimera like a cyborg missile, my blades hugging close to my form. My intention isn’t to attack him, not yet...

No, I want him to dodge.

And he does just that, his body immediately zooming away to avoid my form. He just barely avoids me, my form flying past where he once was.

Perfect...

Tracking his movements with my eyes I angle my body once again, slamming into the roof of the dome feet-first. The sheer force of the impact causes the shield to crack, but said damage immediately mends itself. Now knowing where Chimera is heading I kick off once again, this time my blades extending outwards.

Chimera turns around, only to see me heading right for him with no time for him to react.

I grin widely.

"Gotcha.” I say again.

I fly by him, but not before feeling my blade slicing into his body. My only intention is to do a shallow cut on his arm, mostly to prove that now I’m fighting all out. Once again turning my body around I slam into the ground feet-first, laughing to myself.

As I stand up, I begin to notice something.

The crowd...

They’re absolutely silent.

And...I’m getting the feeling it’s not the good kind of stunned silence.

Turning around, I notice something laying on the ground.

Chimera’s arm.

...

My eyes widen in horror.

Holy shit, I fucking cut off his arm!!

I fucking cut the thing clean off, the amputated end still sizzling from contact with my blade’s heated edge.

Shit.

Shit shit shit.

SHIT!

“Chimera, I’M SO SORRY!” Immediately shout, cupping my face in my hands. “I DIDN’T MEAN TO!”

My mind is a storm of frantic thoughts, all of them trying to figure out on what to do in this unexpected situation. But before any of them could fully manifest, a loud laugh cuts them off as well as making me fall silent.

The laugh...

...is coming from...Chimera?

I look up and to my immense confusion I see him laughing, his eyes fixated on the stump where his arm used to be.

I fucking swear... I’m so freaked out right now that I’d throw up if I could. I completely cut off his arm, and...he’s laughing?!

What the fuck?!

“You know? I think that’s enough.” He says, finally managing to gain control of his laughter. “Obviously you’ve proved yourself.” He lowers himself back to the ground, still chuckling.

At this point I’m just staring at him with wide eyes, unable to properly form any sort of words.

Like, what can I fucking say? I just cut off his arm, and he’s acting as if that sort of shit didn’t even happen.

Once his feet touches the ground he walks over to his severed arm and picks it up with the one he still has. Suddenly several tendrils sprout from the stump on his body as well as the end of the severed arm, and upon moving the severed arm to the stump the tendrils immediately grab each other. I watch before my eyes as the tendrils pull the arm back into its place and...

...the flesh connects the arm back to his body, acting as if it was never severed to begin with.

He swings his reattached arm a few times before nodding with satisfaction. “There we go, good as new.” He says with satisfaction before look at me, only to pause when he sees my completely shocked and dumbfounded expression. “What?”

“Wuh...” I dumbly say, unable to properly formulate any sort of words. Because...you know... I severed his arm off, only for him to reattach it before my very eyes like it's just a normal Friday.

“Ah, I guess I haven’t talked to you about that.” He chuckles.

Well gee, no fucking shit!

Since it’s quite clear that I’m in no state to talk right now, he instead turns to the crowd. “Alright! The battle is over!” He says loudly. “Maria, you can lower the shield!”

To say the least, it...took several moments before she did.

Not that I blamed her.

[youcancallmeelle]

And I’ll Be The Sky And You Be The Bird... Part 1: (FP Jones x Original Character).

** Inspired by this song **

I was so used to isolating myself and building walls around myself to protect me from any potential threat, and by ‘threat’ I meant the human race.

I wasn’t one for friendship groups or for traditions, holidays spent with those you love the most and I definitely had no interest in caring for people. In fact, the word ‘love’ made me cringe and die a little inside.

I have no idea why I became this way but I’ve learnt to accept it and to be honest, I had no intention of changing, not for anyone or anything.

But, that all changed ever so slightly when I moved to Riverdale, the town with pep.

Here I was, it was the height of summer.

The sun was blaring down and the heat basically slapped you in the face the minute you stepped outside.

I was at a gathering with friends, down by sweet water river where the water flowed out into a large, crystal clear lake.

The grass was green and the flowers bloomed, the water was steady and tranquil.

The smell of food drifted through the still air, obvious proof that Archie had burnt either the hotdogs or burgers on the barbecue.

I’d become friends with the group almost immediately after moving here from Ohio with my parents, where I broke free from routine and bad habits.

Archie and Betty were the first to introduce themselves and soon followed a mysterious stranger named Jughead, who was soon joined by Kevin, Veronica and Cheryl.

We all got on like a house on fire, we were the perfect match. It was almost like our personalities clashed in the best way, mellowing each other out.

This ‘gathering’ was initially inner circle only, but now there was at least Fifty of us. It consisted of the usual group, Reggie Mantle and the football team but also the Southside serpents.

It was no surprise that the serpents had shown up, seeing as Kevin was with Joaquin and Jughead’s Dad was the leader of the serpents, Jug’s recent pledge to the Southside also a contributing factor.

Strangely, I wasn’t at all intimidated by them, only fascinated.

After the involvement of Jughead’s Dad with Jason Blossom’s murder and Joaquin’s helping hand, I should have probably been terrified but I wasn’t.

“Liv, I want to see a drink in your hand or I’ll personally throw you in that lake!” Reggie bellowed, snapping me out of my daydream and pointing at me.

“Yes, Sir.” I replied, saluting him with an eye roll and proceeding the pour myself some lemonade from the table that was set up with a variety of refreshments.

I wasn’t in the mood for an alcoholic beverage, most of the people here were already drunk.

I observed my surroundings, watching Jughead spin Betty who had a massive smile upon her face.

Archie was on barbecue duty with Veronica by his side, red wine in hand.

Reggie and Dylton were manning the music, chart music blaring from the speakers that were on the back of Archie’s truck.

I sighed to myself, pushing my Ray Ban sunglasses on top of my head to push my blonde waves out of my face.

I felt like I needed a break from all the socialising for a while, it was overwhelming, so I took a slow walk down the bank, closer to the lake’s edge and away from the blaring music.

I found myself settling down towards the bottom of the bank and taking a seat on the grass, staring out over the water.

I was so invested in the environment that I didn’t even notice a presence sit down beside me, not until the presence spoke.

“Needed some time to yourself?”

I jumped at the sound of a male voice, snapping my head to see who it was.

I shielded my eyes from the sun to see who my company was, suprised at who I saw.

“You scared me.” I grumbled, wiping spilt lemonde off my bare legs and wiping my hand on my denim shorts.

“I’m sorry.” The serpent sniggered, removing their jacket and using it to sit on.

I took a moment to watch him, immediately noticing the similarity to Jughead.

“Name?” I asked bluntly, my stare set on the snake leader.

“FP.” He retorted, revealing a gorgeous set of white teeth.

“FP? How original, I like it. Last name Jones?”

He nodded and frowned before replying, pushing the sleeves up on his flannel shirt.

“You know my son?” He asked me and I nodded, admiring his slightly tanned skin.

“Yeah, he’s my age.”

“You’re Eighteen?” FP quizzed and I nodded. “You look older.” He told me, drinking in my appearance.

I looked pretty plain in my converse, denim shorts and black t-shirt.

“Charming.” I scoffed, picking at the plastic of my cup and sloshing the liquid around.

“I didn’t mean that in a bad way, I was just saying. Are you going to tell me your name or spite me?” The leader defended, holding his hands up jokingly.

I cracked a smile.

“It’s Liv, Liv Myers. Why have you sneaked away?” I wondered, watching the older man relax.

“Sometimes I just need to get away, even just for ten minutes. The serpents are my whole life, next to Jughead but sometimes being around people is suffocating.” FP explained and I nodded, pursing my lips as I agreed with his statement.

“Fair enough.”

“Why have you?” He shot back, his dark eyes full of curiosity.

“I’m not really a people person and anyway, my friends can take care of themselves.”

“Do you not have a boyfriend to take care of you?”

“I don’t need anyone to ’take care of me’, I can look after myself. I’m a big girl and I don’t depend on anyone, never have. I’m not into that relationship stuff anyway, it’s not my style.” I spoke, taking a small sip of my drink.

“What is your style?”

“Sex with no strings attached and not having to care about anyone.”

FP let out a chuckle and shook his head, looking forward over the clear lake.

“It seems you have no heart.” He commented and I shrugged, glancing at him.

“Maybe so, but atleast I don’t have to worry about it getting broken.”

FP hummed and thought about my response for a second before he spoke again, rubbing his jaw.

“It’s sad that at your age this is what you’re saying, it just seems wrong… Every other teenager is out experimenting and learning, dating and making mistakes.”

“I don’t particularly care, I’m not like everyone else and I take pride in that.”

“But don’t you ever want to go on a date? To actually feel something for that one person?” He asked, stretching out his legs and leaning back on his elbows.

“Why are you asking such weird questions?” I laughed, placing my almost empty cup beside me on the grass.

“I’m just curious, you intrigue me, Liv.” FP said, smiling at me and I couldn’t help but smirk back.

“And what about me intrigues you?” I wondered and this time it was his turn to smirk, the kind of look that was full of mischief.

“Your lack of sentiment.”

“Bite me, old man.” I responded, removing my sunglasses from my head and shoving them on my face.

“Ouch.”

“How old are you anyway?” I questioned him, looking over the top of my sunglasses to admire him.

“Double your age and some.” He chuckled and I raised my eyebrows, not quite believing that this guy was probably nearing Forty years of age.

He looked like he was in his mid thirties at the most, there wasn’t a single grey hair that I could see.

“You look good.” I nodded, looking him up and down.

“I’d say the same but I doubt it’s appropriate.” FP laughed as did I, I leant my head back to soak in the rays, loving the feeling of the heat all over my body.

I pursed my lips for a second before turning in his direction, seeing that he’d lay back on the grass, his eyes closed and lips pouted slightly.

“If it’s any consolation, I have a thing for older guys.” I teased, watching his eyes snap open.

I bit my lip as he studied my face, obviously trying to decide if I was messing with him or not.

“Good to know.” He replied, an amused look on his face.

I licked my dry lips and proceeded to roll over onto my stomach, my tanned legs in the air as I picked at the blades of grass.

I could feel FP’s stare burning into me like a hot laser, I turned to watch him.

His eyes were focused on my legs, trailing up to my ass that was just about covered in my distressed shorts.

I coughed to draw his attention, an obvious grin on my face as he snapped out of his trance and let our eyes meet.

“You alright?”

“Yeah.” FP stuttered, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair.

“Is the serpents your main job?” I inquired, watching FP shift his position to his side and leaning on his hand.

“I guess so, yeah. What about you?”

“I work at the mechanics near Riverdale high, it’s great.”

FP looked shocked, his eyebrows raised.

“You work with cars? I’d never have thought that, it’s pretty hot. If you ever want to make any extra cash, we always have cars come in at the Whyte Wyrm.” He informed me and I let out a loud laugh, almost snorting.

“Dream on, like I’m ever going to join in with your dodgy gang!” I exclaimed and FP let out a small laugh, rolling his brown eyes.

“It was worth a try.” He beamed, flashing his perfect teeth once again.

I didn’t say anything, only stared at him.

FP Jones was truly gorgeous, his eyes were still bright and containing youth, his smile was something to be envious of. He was still in good shape, he was fit and muscular.

“You alright?” FP asked, repeating the same line as I had earlier as he caught my lingering stare.

I frowned as I came to the realisation of how in depth my thoughts were, how detailed they were.

I couldn’t do this, I didn’t want to get close to anyone, I didn’t want anyone new in my life and I especially couldn’t start something with a middle aged man, let alone a serpent.

“I need to go.” I stammered, hastily getting up.

I watched FP’s face drop in disappointment, it was clear that he’d enjoyed our conversation.

“Will I see you again?” His distinctive voice called out from behind me as I walked away, brushing my hair back.

“In hell probably.” I muttered to myself, resisting the urge to turn back.

I couldn’t get back to the party quick enough, my heart pounding against my chest so hard that I thought it might burst out at any moment.

I didn’t have a chance to get my bearings because I soon felt a hand yank at my wrist and my heart rate only increased at the thought of it being FP.

To my relief, it was only Betty.

I sighed happily and looked at the blonde girl so thankfully, glad that it was her and not him.

“Where have you been? I’ve been looking everywhere for you, Ronnie made you a cocktail.” She explained, handing me a brightly coloured drink that smelt of mainly rum and tropical fruit.

“Um, I went down to the lake, just needed a minute.” I excused, taking a sip of the drink and scrunching my nose up.

“You were gone longer than a minute… wait, was FP there?” Betty asked, looking directly behind me.

I turned to see what she was staring at but quickly regained my composure as I saw him.

“Erm, no, just me.” I lied, unsure of why I was acting so guilty.

“Right…” Betty hummed but I don’t think she was convinced.

“Let’s go find Kevin!” I suggested, feigning excitement and attempting to distract the blonde.

I caught FP’s eye as I dragged Betty away, his head tilted to the side like he was analysing me.

Why did I have the feeling that this wouldn’t be the last time I saw him?

[sextraheretical]

Death Guard and Alatioc vs Black Legion and Altioc The battlefields of the 41st Millineum are often strange, with floatingcrystal towers or vast caves beneath the earth. The Eternal Hunt were drawn into a sprawling civil war on the Craftworld Alatioc by the Black Legion who desired their allegiance. The Hunt, for their part, declined with volleys of bolt shells and eldritch curses. The Blight Lord, Palaghrim ordered his plague marines down to the surface of Alatioc even as Eldar tracer fire flickered around their drop ships. Inside the hulls, Focker the Blightspawn spun the crank embedded in his gut and began mixing the chemicals needed to melt through wraithbone armor while Bob distributed blight grenades. Once they landed, the Eternal Hunt was immediately greeted by spears of laser fire and shurikien cannons, putting deep six wounds on one of the Rhinos while a Defiler shell embedded itself in another Rhino for two damage. Some of the Eldar, however, either remained ignorant of the Chaos Marine's arrival or considered them beneath notice, for they continued fighting each other, Dark Reapers and Rangers trading shots across the crumbling buildings of the craftworld. Taking advantage of the confusion and seeing that the Rhinos would be of little use in the tightly packed streets, the Plague marines disembarked from their Rhinos and advanced up the field, spying Rubric Marines, Posessed, and Noise Marines moving to block their advance. Incensed that even the Black Legion thought it could deny their quest for vengeance, The Blight Lord ordered a full scale assault, to disregard the Eldar and crush the Black Legionnaires while he destroyed the dangerous Eldar snipers. Nodding, Bob gestured to his fellow Plague Marines and as one they launched blight grenades at the Noise Marines, the putrid death's heads detonating in showers of poisioned bone and smoke, causing grievous damege to the sons of slaanesh, killing eight of them. Buteven as they died, the Noise Marines pulled triggers and thumbed sonic guitars with deadened smiles on their lips, a wailing cacophony blasting the Plague Marines to shred, leaving only a nameless marine and Bob left standing. Other plague marine groups brought down the Posessed and a few Rubric marines with the power of blight launchers and plasma, while bolters contributed their steady, juddering weight of shells to the fight. Palaghrim himself joined the fight with great aplomb, teleporting down from orbit and smashing through a building in order to begin slaughtering the Eldar Rangers on the second floor. The xenos were shredded by his massive axe and fled screaming. But the joy of slaughter would not last long, for the Black Legion counterattack was fierce as was the Eldar's. The plague marines found themselves hard pressed to survive fire from a wave serpent, dark reapers, and the black legion's commander and sorcerer. Many of the marines were knocked out of the battle by the shells of the defiler scuttling around far ahead and they cursed their weapons for not reaching it. Bob found himself in dire straights as he fended off the Chaos lord with his needle pistol and a few awkwardly lobbed grenades. Several eldar charged at Focker, now that he was isolated, only for him to back up and cover them in his noxious mixture. As they shrieked and melted into puddles of green ooze, he only shrugged and turned his attention to an advancing Wave Serpent, wondering if the same mixture would work on such a vast monstrosity. On the other side of the battlefield, Bob ducked down as the last squad of plague marines behind him unleashed a hail of fire into the Lord and Sorcerer who had wounded Bob, paying them back in kind. Though all parties were hurt, neither had sustained enough damage to put them out of the fight. The same could not be said for Palaghrim and the Eldar Rangers. Though the spindly Eldar had tried to flee, the massive Lord of Contagion caught and crushed them with the massive weight of his axe three by three, only to turn and see the Farseer calling out a challenge to him. "Vile creature, you have no place on this world. Prepare to die!" Palaghrim simply chuckled and strode forward to meet him. "Already did witch, didn't much like it." Focker was in trouble for the Wave Serpent he intended to menace instead disgorged five Fire Dragons and an Eldar Warlock. To his suprise, the Fire Dragons ignored him, marching past the plague marine to launch searing beams of light into the side of an enemy Fire Prism tank. Focker turned in bewilderment to see the Warlock gesturing with his staff, inviting the marine to single combat. Shrugging, Focker once again revved up his churn and bathed the Warlock in effluvent fluid, freezing the challenger in place as the substance solidified and expanded inside his armor, locking him in place as a living statue to be infested with Nurglings and maggots. On the other side of the field, the Plague Marines and Rubric Marines, durable representatives of their respective gods, duled across what once was a front yard with enscorcelled bolters and warp energy. The two sorcerers, so different in look, but similar in power clashed to astonishing effect. Localized fallout around the nurglite sorcerer rotted the grass and poisioned the soil while the Aspiring sorcerer burned swathes of flesh and armor off his counterpart with sheets of golden fire. The Nurglite finished off his counterpart by infecting and engorging the blood vessels in the Tzneetchian brain and detonating it in an explosion of gore, followed up by his own death thanks to Eldar sharpshooting. The noisy, obvious combat had drawn the Eldar's attention even in the chaos of war. Further north the Blight Lord and Farseer fought in their distinctive styles, the Nurglite enduring the dodges andswift strikes of the Eldar and countering with punishing force. The Lord's mental fortitude prevented him from being instantly killed by the psyker's mind trickery, but the strain caused several muscle bundles to rupture and sheets of blood to pour out of his helmet. To his credit, he had managed to nick the Eldar twice, the poisions in each wound slowing the leader moment by moment until it was time for him to strike. With the full weight of his Cacaphrati armor, Palaghrim launched forward and impaled the xenos just as in landed from a jump to his left. The Farseer gasped and scrabbled at the haft of the axe, but the poisions gathered on the axe were already shutting down his organs and crystallizing her blood in his veins. Bob was not having as good of a time for despite to supporting fire of his brothers, the Black Legion leaders, not to mention the Defiler shots, were simply too strong for him to slay in life. So as they closed infor the kill, Bob reached back and launched every single blight grenade in his posession at them. The explosion was tremendous, launching the bodies of the two Chaos Lords into the side of the craftworld and killing the last Rubric marine as the plague marines around the site continued unabated. It was with this final, devastating blow that the battle came to an end. Terrified Eldar fled the field or began shooting at anything that moved, even their own troops, killing the Black Legion defiler with fire prisims. Taking this as their cue to leave, the Eternal Hunt headed back to their drop ships, only to find Bob waiting for them, a smile plastered all across his hideous face as he examined his handiwork.

[theamorphousadventurer]

Hitchhiking Space Fae, Part 4: The Warcry Mix

Part 4: The “Warcry Mix”

I’d just about given up on life, when I heard a distant humming growing louder. I turned to face where the sound was coming from, only to then dive back to the ground, as a group of Terrans riding hover-bikes blasted over me. Four of them passed over me, before coming to a halt a few meters away. I looked up through tear-filled eyes, as the leader stared at me from the glowing eye slits of her mask.

The Terran leading the group lowered her hood, and her mask retracted, revealing the starfield-wreathed face of Maxx. “Xandra? What are you doing here?”

I was too scared to answer. The larger of the figures turned to Maxx, “One of yours?” a gruff, feminine voice asked.

“Cargo Officer on the ship I’m taking.” She responded, dismounting her bike and approaching me. “Are you ok?”

“How...how can I be…? I’m on Terra…I’m as good as dead...” I choked, tears still streaming down my face.

She sighed, sat down next to me, and wrapped her arms around me. I tensed, expecting harm, but when none came, I slowly relaxed.

“We will keep you safe. Don’t worry.” She whispered to me, slowly stroking me behind my ears. Strangely...I believed her. Her words just felt so...nice...

I began feeling strong enough to speak again, and asked, “How do we get out of here? I...I kinda need to get back to work…”

“Good question. Node, where’s the nearest Gate?” Maxx asked her group, helping me to my feet in the process.

A small girl wearing headphones brought up a holographic map, tweaked a few settings, then chirped, “65 miles north. Bad news, the quickest way is through Phantasm territory.”

“Sh**...Alright people, you all know what that means.” There were murmurs of agreement. “Xandra, you ride with Ink. They’ll keep you safe.”

She gestured towards the heavily tattooed, tentacle-haired creature. Warily, I approached them, climbing onto the back seat of the bike. They turned to watch me, a single, gigantic, black-lensed eye staring out of a part in their veil of tentacles, and smiled. They then made a few strange shapes with their hands, clearly indicating something, but when I didn’t comprehend it, they gestured towards Maxx. “Ink is mute. They’re saying ‘Hold on tight.’” Maxx explained. Ink then gave a “thumbs-up” towards Maxx, and I did as they said, grasping the handlebars with all eight of my fingers.

We took off toward the Gate. The bikes’ engine hum was far outclassed by the wind howling in all four of my ears and whistling through my feathers. At first, I crouched low, keeping my eyes closed against the wind, but after a few minutes had passed, the sound of the bike’s slipstream had changed. It sounded...closer somehow. Curiosity getting the better of me, I opened my eyes to look. What I saw was both beautiful and unsettling. Luminescent flora wove its way in and out of towering stone ruins. Dark, ominous clouds hung overhead, sometimes engulfing the tops of the ruins. Ancient wind turbines feebly spun in the winds amongst the towers causing some of the long destroyed windows to occasionally flicker with artificial light

Was this once a city? What could have happened to make Terrans of all people, abandon it? Was there something...worse than Terrans?

My thoughts were interrupted by Node’s voice over the radio. “Gate! Up ahead!”

I leaned out slightly to see around Ink’s cloak, to see a massive pillar of light blasting emanating from a slowly revolving set of rings suspended amidst the clouds. At the base of the light pillar was a three-sided pyramid covered in pulsating runes and arcing with bolts of electrical energy. We came to a stop about a dozen meters from the base of the pyramid, and dismounted.

“That was too easy…” the larger Terran remarked, a tone of suspicion in her voice, as an equally large cannon unfolded in her hands. As if on cue, the pyramid suddenly went dark, and the beam of light retreated into the sky-ring.

Maxx let out a sigh of exasperation. “Now...Why’d ya have to say that?” She said, her face buried in one hand.

At that moment, a pool of black red liquid began collecting a few hundred meters away, and an absolutely gargantuan creature began clawing its way out of it. It stood as tall as one of the many buildings surrounding us, and its fur was as dark as the pool it climbed out of, occasionally broken up by massive, bony, armour plates. From its back grew spikes of purple crystals that crackled with unknown energy, its claws glinted like freshly polished swords, and its eyes were furnaces of malice and hate. This was a being of chaos and death, for sure. I may have pissed myself right then and there.

Node spoke first. “Ursa Phantasmus. Smaller than I thought it’d be.”

“Dibs on any oranges.” The large Terran responded, powering up her massive cannon.

“Diana, We’ll divvy the loot later. Ink, protect Xandra. NODE! Warcry mix!” Maxx shouted. Node’s face broke into a huge smile as she pulled up a holographic menu, and pressed a button. She then swung her backpack off her shoulder, and in one fluid motion, it expanded and folded, transforming from a simple data and instrumentation suite, into a bizarre cross between a Terran “boombox” and a rocket launcher. At this point, the giant beast let out an earth-shaking roar, and from the black pool at its feet, many smaller creatures of death and chaos clambered out and began charging the short span between us and them.

Then the music began. A driving beat pulsed from Node’s weapon, and Maxx turned to face oncoming horde. An ear-splitting cry of war echoed amongst the stone monoliths from Node’s speakers, and in time to the music, Maxx drew out her drone, Nightshade. Except it wasn’t a drone. What I had thought was an AI driven companion for her, transformed in her hands, into the hilt of a sword. A second cry of battle echoed out, and Maxx flourished her weapon. It ignited, a three meter cord of orange light lashing out with a loud crack.

As the music began proper, Node, Maxx, and Diana charged the horde, and began slaughtering these beasts of nightmare with the same elegance, coordination, and showmanship as a team of synchronized dancers. Node’s attacks manifested as lethal holograms depicting waveforms. Walls of light, laser sweeps, and explosive beats eviscerated her opponents. It seemed her music was her enemy’s downfall. Maxx moved like a orange tornado, her whip cleaving dozens of her opponents in twain, as Maxx laughed. Diana pulverized her foes either with her oversized cannon, or simply with her giant fists. Any beasts that managed to get past them were quickly slain by Ink’s magics; rivers of color flowing off her hands, that transformed into serpents, thorned-vines, and skeletal warriors.

It was...beautiful, in a strange way. These Terrans seemed to treat fighting like my people treated dance, and...as I listened to Node’s music, something stirred within me. My people had only been pacifistic for a few hundred solar cycles, and I felt, what I can only describe as a sick thrill. It went against everything I’d been taught, but at that moment, I wanted to slay one of these beasts myself. Seizing a fallen length of pipe, I stepped forward to join the fight, only for Ink to stop me with a wall of vines. I turned to them incredulously. They shook their head, and said something I didn’t understand with their hands.

A fire still raged in my soul, but I knew better than to question a Terran’s judgement when it comes to danger. If they thought it was too dangerous, it was too dangerous. So I stood back and watched. And I’m glad I did, because what happened next was insane. Maxx, Node and Diana had reached the feet of the Ursa, and were dodging around its swiping claws, either gracefully leaping, or propelling themselves into the air with blasts of weapon fire. Maxx then shouted something, and lashed out towards Diana. Diana seized the end of the glowing rope, coiling it around the barrel of her cannon in a shower of incandescent sparks. Node took up position directly in front of the gargantuan beast, pointed the business end of her weapon squarely at the ground, and let loose a holographic wall of sound that propelled Maxx upward and around the Phantasm’s neck. As soon as Maxx made one full rotation, Diana fired her cannon, and the recoil pulled the whip-cord tight. Too tight for the Ursa’s skin to handle. There was a ground-shaking cry of pain as the burning cord sliced through the monster’s flesh, before an equally loud squelch, as the Ursa’s head vacated its shoulders. The monster’s head bounced once before its whole body disintegrated, and…several dozen glowing objects spewed out of it.

With the threats gone, the gateway reactivated (startling me, of course). The three victorious monster slayers regrouped with us, and began passing around the strange, glowing objects I’d seen pop out of the monster’s body.

Diana seemed to covet one of the objects. It glowed a very enticing golden orange. Guess that’s what she meant by “dibs on orange.” Strangely though, despite her covetous nature, after watching Ink sign something to her, she laughed, then handed the object to me.

“Wait...what? I...I don’t understand...”

Still laughing, she said, “Keep it. You need it rookie. Ink says you got spirit. Only time’ll tell if you have skill.”

I took the object in my hands. It appeared to be a metal rod wrapped in leather, no longer than my forearm, but as I examined it, I discovered a catch hidden amongst the wrapping. I released it, and was slightly taken aback when it sprung open into a two-handed staff. I wasn’t sure why, but it felt...right, in my hands, and the longer I held it, the more my thoughts drifted to the dances of my people. Many of our dances used ribbons attached to poles, and in a sudden burst of confidence, I stepped off the Gateway’s plinth to give myself some space and lead into a routine from my childhood, twirling the staff around my body with half-remembered grace, before bringing one end down hard on the pavement. A concussive blast almost knocked me off my feet, and a building that I’d been facing began to crumble, collapsing into a giant pile of rubble.  

Everything was still, silent. Nervously, I turned to look at Maxx. Her face, along with everyone else’s, wore a look of shock.

“How did you do that?” Diana asked. I looked from her, to the smoking pile of rubble in front of me, to the staff in my hands, then back to the group.

“I...I don’t know…”

Read Part 1: Part 1

Read Part 2: Part 2

Read Part 3: Part 3

Author’s notes: This chapter was a little weird for me, because as I wrote it, I started to veer away from the “Humans are Weird” thing and I started fleshing out Xandra’s character a bit more. Yes, for now, she’s still a cowardly xenophobe, but I realized, this is becoming a story of adaptation, of expansion of thought. Right now, she’s still scared of Terrans, but I want her to move beyond that. To evolve. And in doing so, the rest of the cast can play off this fact too.

Additionally, I envision the “Warcry Mix” as a combination of many musical scores and songs. It starts out with the opening of Immigrant’s Song from Led Zepplin, followed up by Wonder Woman’s theme by Tina Guo, before evolving into something akin to the RWBY soundtrack. Giant monsters, collapsible/variable weapons, magic...Yeah, I drew HEAVILY from RWBY for this sequence.  

[eurkplay]

DESESPERO de AMY | HISTORIA Sonic Boom Shattered Crystal

Creditos site rkplay - http://bit.ly/2Nl18ig

Queridos tudo bem ?! Eu sou o Roberto e hoje vamos jogar um jogo do Sonic exclusivo para 3ds que é o Sonic boom Shattered Crystal

DESESPERO de AMY

| HISTORIA Sonic Boom Shattered Crystal

Espero que gostem!

Seja Membro do canal

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#rkplay #historiasonic #sonic

HISTORIA DE SONIC

Playlist

Mais sobre Sonic boom Shattered Crystal

Sonic Boom: Shattered Crystal é um jogo da série Sonic the Hedgehog para Nintendo 3DS, protagonizado por Sonic the Hedgehog e co-protagonizado por Tails, Knuckles e Sticks, e antagonizado por Lyric, o principal vilão do jogo. Que na verdade consiste em publicar a série de televisão do mesmo nome

Jogabilidade O jogo na versão 3DS é possível jogar com quatro personagens diferentes, sendo Sticks a co-protagonista desta versão, enquanto Amy Rose é co-protagonista na versão Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric. O jogo possui gráficos bonitos, novas habilidades nunca vistas em títulos anteriores, como por exemplo, uma corda produzida por um laser rosa, também a caminhos que só podem se abertos por um determinado personagem ou acessado pelos mesmos, os 4 quatro personagens, cada um tem habilidades únicas, no inicio só é possível jogar com Sonic, mas a medida que se avança no jogo, os outros personagens vão aparecendo, tem que se recolher pedaços de cristais quebrados, mapas e outros iténs importantes para os personagens ganharem novas habilidades e golpes. Também é preciso colher moedas chamadas Tokens com as quais se compra extras na barraquinha de brinquedos, as Tokens podem ser conseguidas nas fases, e a cada 24 horas, mas também em desafios online.

Sinopse A história começa nos quadrinhos que aparece no jogo, onde há 1000 anos atrás, uma serpente do mau chamada Lyric queria se apossar de um antigo cristal com o qual ele teria plenos poderes para conquistar o mundo e o universo, mas seus planos são frustados por uma sociedade secreta de ouriços que eram os guardiões do cristal, 1000 anos depois, Amy está vasculhando antigas ruínas e descobre o segredo do cristal, Lyric aparece e tenta captura Amy, mas é derrotado momentaneamente por ela, mas ele aproveita um descuido dela e a captura, antes que tente avisar Sonic por um tablet que é destruído por Lyric, cabe agora Sonic e seus amigos Tails, Knuckles e Sticks, uma amiga de Amy ajudarem a salvar sua amiga das garras deste terrível vilão.

Personagens Sonic the Hedgehog – Personagem principal da trama, corre, tem reflexos rápidos e faz o famoso spin-dash, ele pode destruir blocos azuis que bloqueiam o caminho, está a procura de Amy e quer salva-la de um sequestrador desconhecido. Tails – A raposa de duas caudas que sempre é o parceiro fiel de Sonic, ataca seu inimigos com bombas, muito inteligente, precisa decifra os mapas que são encontrados pelas fases, Knuckles – Com um novo visual, é forte, pode escava a terra como uma broca durante alguns segundos e quebrar quase tudo no seu caminho. Sticks – Uma texugo da Selva amiga de Amy, tem uma leve semelhança com Marine the Racoon, de Sonic Rush Adventure, ataca seus inimigos com um bumerangue. Amy Rose – Aparece decifrando os hieroglifos de velhas ruínas para descobrir seu mistério, é raptada por Lyric, o vilão principal. Lyric – O principal vilão, uma cobra com uma armadura robótica que tem mais de 1000 anos, quer o poder do cristal para dominar o mundo e o universo.

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from WordPress https://rkplay.com.br/desespero-de-amy-historia-sonic-boom-shattered-crystal/

[granucopia]

Summary of Dark Souls 3 Weapons

Dagger: Why aren't you using a Bandit's Knife


Parrying Dagger: Never actually used as a weapon


Mail Breaker: Fuck your shields


Bandit's Knife: Quick, exploit the Bleed


Rotten Ghru Dagger: Poison for the lazy


Corvian Greatknife: THIS is a knife


Handmaid's Dagger: I will stab you no matter what


Scholar's Candlestick: Laser power-up


Tailbone Short Sword: Drake Sword Lite Edition


Brigand Twindaggers: Dragon's Dogma


Harpe: Not actually a musical instrument


Shortsword: Why aren't you using a Longsword


Longsword: Ol' Faithful


Broadsword: Who uses stab attacks anyway


Broken Straight Sword: 10 of these during early game


Astora Straight Sword: Losing my religion


Lothric Knight Sword: Let's get stabby


Barbed Straight Sword: Constantly getting caught on clothing probably


Dark Sword: Emo blade with added Meta


Cleric's Candlestick: Blue Flame's gross uncle


Irithyll Straight Sword: Chillrend


Anri's Straight Sword: Waifu sword


Sunlight Straight Sword: Praising just got easier


Morion Blade: Remember how Demon's Soul was a thing

Lothric's Holy Sword: HOLY SHIT LASERS


Gotthard Twinswords: Sith Lord Cosplay


Bastard Sword: Why aren't you using a Claymore


Claymore: Larger Faithful


Flameberge: Zweihander's gay little brother


Hollowslayer Greatsword: Dumbshit's guide to DS2


Black Knight Sword: Crossfit while fighting demons

Executioner's Greatword: Tarkus Concept Art


Wolf Knight's Greatword: Can you actually imagine a Wolf doing flips like this like holy shit


Wolnir's Holy Sword: Trypophobia Blade


Greatsword of Judgment: Moonlight Greatsword Lite Edition


Storm Ruler: HEY GUYS REMEMBER DEMON'S SOULS


Moonlight Greatsword: Raspberry Popsicle of Cameo Obligation


Twin Princes' Greatsword: Literally fire-ing mah lazar

Drakeblood Greatsword: Over ambitious longsword



Firelink Greatsword: Finally got one, finally disappointed

Zweihander: Baby's First UGS


Greatsword: Repairs complete


Astora Greatsword: CHAAAAAAAAAARGE


Farron Greatsword: Breakdancing Blade


Fume Ultra Greatsword: Hits like a truck, the size and weight of one too


Profaned Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk I


Cathedral Knight Greatsword: Gatsu stronk


Black Knight Greatsword: Original Golf Driver


Lorian's Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk II


Lothric Knight Greatsword: Bass Cannon knockoff



Scimitar: Why aren't you using a Falchion



Falchion: Oroboro's penis


Sellsword Twinblades: Russian weapons, Arabic implications

Shotel: Douchebag Blade

Crescent Moon Sword: Karkat Vantas firing lasers

Pontiff Knight Curved Sword: How do insects even eat metal like damn

Warden Twinblades: Obligatory bleed variant



Painting Guardian's Curved Sword: Sick spins


Dancer's Enchanted Swords: Rave Swords


Storm Curved Sword: Fart Scimatar


Carthus Curved Sword: If only it were the Kilij


Carthus Shotel: Karkat Vantas Skeleton Edition


Rotten Ghru Curved Sword: Poo Sword


Murakumo: Finally has a decent moveset


Exile Greatsword: Bandaid hilt


Old Wolf Curved Sword: No weapon class is safe from fan service


Carthus Curved Greatsword: Bleed Edition



Uchigatana: PvP Standard


Washing Pole: Sephiroth cosplay


Black Blade: Style points aren’t currency


Darkdrift: Why do Asian cultures love invisible swords so much


Onikiri and Ubadachi: Shonen Jump

Chaos Blade: Anti-magic pixel


Bloodlust: You can't hurt me if I hurt myself


Rapier: The grip is white now

Estoc: META META META META



Ricard's Rapier: How legendary can badly defending one stairway be


Crystal Sage's Rapier: Drop your shit goddamnit


Irithyll Rapier: Chillrend poke edition


Hand Axe: HERE'S JOHNNY

Battle Axe: Swing it differently this time



Brigand Axe: Is it superior? Who knows


Thrall Axe: Poison Swamp Trivialiser


Dragonslayer's Axe: Cockney man refuses to die


Butcher Knife: Forever the Fat Woman's specialty


Winged Knight Twinaxes: Twin Spin to Win


Eleonora: Pried from the hands of hands with hands


Man Serpent Hatchet: Karkat Vantas Snake Edition


Greataxe: Award for most unchanged weapon


Dragonslayer Greataxe: This isn’t a spear


Demon's Greataxe: Now ON FIRE


Great Machete: *sad Capra Demon noises*


Yhorm's Great Machete: You only use that notch when angry

Black Knight Greataxe: Jump for joy/death


Club: Literally a stick



Reinforced Club: Stick with nails

Mace: Why are these always associated with clerics


Morning Star: Absolutely Barbaric

Drang Hammers: Akin to interperative dance



Heysel Pick: More like pick a different weapon amirite


Warpick: MrIWont4Get's Favourite


Blacksmith Hammer: You're holding it backwards


Gargoyle Flame Hammer: Every Greathammer needs a flamethrower


Large Club: Not the Great Club

Great Club: Not the Large Club


Great Mace: Berenike classic


Vordt's Great Hammer: Fridge Hammer


Morne's Great Hammer: Grant 2.0


Great Wooden Hammer: Visions of Giant Blacksmith



Smough's Great Hammer: Whack-a-mole just got silly


Old King's Great Hammer: Another classic ON FIRE


Pickaxe: Minecraft cosplay


Dragon Tooth: Havel’s penis


Spiked Mace: Dynasty Warriors


Caestus: The ol' 1-2


Demon's Fist: Kyo Kusanagi


Dark Hand: Can't suck Humanity, might as well suck balls

Claw: *Wolverine joke*


Manikin Claws: Nobody has original designs, do they


Arstor's Spear: Vlad the Impaler


Drang Twinspears: How is this a practical setup


Gargoyle Flame Spear: GARGOYLE used FLAME CHARGE


Spear: The Poker


Winged Spear: The Better Poker



Tailbone Spear: The Fart Poker


Pike: The Long Poker

Four-Pronged Plow: Couple with torches to gank Shrek cosplayers


Saint Bident: Saint Bident of Charge


Rotten Ghru Spear: The Poop Poker


Partizan: Almost a Halberd


Yorshka's Spear: Anti-mage Poker


Dragonslayer Spear: Oh, there it is


Dragonslayer Swordspear: More Ornstein than Ornstein


Golden Ritual Spear: Pilgrim’s Spontoon hit by a car

Soldering Iron: BDSM Souls


Lothric Knight Long Spear: The Steady Poker


Greatlance: At least a horse is mentioned this time


Halberd: Scrub stick


Red Hilted Halberd: Scrub stick Classic Edition


Lucerne: Switzerland must exist apparently


Winged Knight Halberd: Spin to Win and Win and Win and Win and Win


Glaive: They still fucking got the name wrong


Crescent Axe: Pick a weapon class damnit


Gundyr's Halberd: You put your halberd in and you spin it all about


Black Knight Glaive: Finally named correctly


Immolation Tinder: Hard to get dates with this thing


Great Scythe: All Scythes are great


Pontiff Knight Great Scythe: Even the cold ones


Great Corvian Scythe: And the feathery ones


Whip: Softcore


Notched Whip: Hardcore


Witch's Locks: Hotcore


Spotted Whip: Spotcore

Short Bow: Why aren't you using a Composite Bow


Longbow: Why aren't you using the Black Bow of Pharis


Composite Bow: Original Crackshot

Dragonrider Bow: Why you're NOT using the Composite bow


Black Bow of Pharis: Robin Hood's wet dream



Darkmoon Longbow: Original Darkmoon Bow didn't go through puberty well


Onislayer Greatbow: Still gotta be Japanese-y


Dragonslayer Greatbow: I am the bone of my sword


Light Crossbow: Why aren't you using the Heavy Crossbow

Knight's Crossbow: Crossbow 2; Electric Boogaloo


Arbalest: Suspicious name change


Sniper Crossbow: Actually functional now


Avelyn: Enter The Matrix


Heavy Crossbow: Completionism Crossbow


Sorcerer's Staff: First Laser Stick


Heretic's Staff: Shunned Laser Stick


Witchtree Branch: Dusk’s Laser Stick


Sage's Crystal Staff: Diamonds aren’t forever


Izalith Staff: Still can’t cast fire spells


Court Sorcerer's Staff: Logan’s bent dong


Man-Grub's Staff: You feelin’ lucky punk


Storyteller's Staff: Attempted murder


Medicant's Staff: I NEED THE SHIELD DAMNIT


Archdeacon Great Staff: Holy Laser Stick


Pyromancy Flame: FALCON PUNCH


Talisman: Totally not toiler paper


Saint's Talisman: Holy toilet paper


Sunlight Talisman: Eat Lightning, Shit Thunder


Canvas Talisman: Eco Toilet Paper


White Hair Talisman: Toilet Paper after Mexican


Sunless Talisman: Luxury Toilet Paper


Cleric's Sacred Chime: The Lords be with you


Priest's Chime: And also with you


Crystal Chime: How does this not break all the time


Caitha's Chime: This bell is full of BEES


Saint-tree Bellvine: Even trees are goddamn saints


Yorshka's Chime: You monster

[monicalewinskisfatcock-blog]

Summary of Dark Souls 3 Weapons

Dagger: Why aren't you using a Bandit's Knife


Parrying Dagger: Never actually used as a weapon


Mail Breaker: Fuck your shields


Bandit's Knife: Quick, exploit the Bleed


Rotten Ghru Dagger: Poison for the lazy


Corvian Greatknife: THIS is a knife


Handmaid's Dagger: I will stab you no matter what


Scholar's Candlestick: Laser power-up


Tailbone Short Sword: Drake Sword Lite Edition


Brigand Twindaggers: Dragon's Dogma


Harpe: Not actually a musical instrument


Shortsword: Why aren't you using a Longsword


Longsword: Ol' Faithful


Broadsword: Who uses stab attacks anyway


Broken Straight Sword: 10 of these during early game


Astora Straight Sword: Losing my religion


Lothric Knight Sword: Let's get stabby


Barbed Straight Sword: Constantly getting caught on clothing probably


Dark Sword: Emo blade with added Meta


Cleric's Candlestick: Blue Flame's gross uncle


Irithyll Straight Sword: Chillrend


Anri's Straight Sword: Waifu sword


Sunlight Straight Sword: Praising just got easier


Morion Blade: Remember how Demon's Soul was a thing

Lothric's Holy Sword: HOLY SHIT LASERS


Gotthard Twinswords: Sith Lord Cosplay


Bastard Sword: Why aren't you using a Claymore


Claymore: Larger Faithful


Flameberge: Zweihander's gay little brother


Hollowslayer Greatsword: Dumbshit's guide to DS2


Black Knight Sword: Crossfit while fighting demons

Executioner's Greatword: Tarkus Concept Art


Wolf Knight's Greatword: Can you actually imagine a Wolf doing flips like this like holy shit


Wolnir's Holy Sword: Trypophobia Blade


Greatsword of Judgment: Moonlight Greatsword Lite Edition


Storm Ruler: HEY GUYS REMEMBER DEMON'S SOULS


Moonlight Greatsword: Raspberry Popsicle of Cameo Obligation


Twin Princes' Greatsword: Literally fire-ing mah lazar

Drakeblood Greatsword: Over ambitious longsword



Firelink Greatsword: Finally got one, finally disappointed

Zweihander: Baby's First UGS


Greatsword: Repairs complete


Astora Greatsword: CHAAAAAAAAAARGE


Farron Greatsword: Breakdancing Blade


Fume Ultra Greatsword: Hits like a truck, the size and weight of one too


Profaned Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk I


Cathedral Knight Greatsword: Gatsu stronk


Black Knight Greatsword: Original Golf Driver


Lorian's Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk II


Lothric Knight Greatsword: Bass Cannon knockoff



Scimitar: Why aren't you using a Falchion



Falchion: Oroboro's penis


Sellsword Twinblades: Russian weapons, Arabic implications

Shotel: Douchebag Blade

Crescent Moon Sword: Karkat Vantas firing lasers

Pontiff Knight Curved Sword: How do insects even eat metal like damn

Warden Twinblades: Obligatory bleed variant



Painting Guardian's Curved Sword: Sick spins


Dancer's Enchanted Swords: Rave Swords


Storm Curved Sword: Fart Scimatar


Carthus Curved Sword: If only it were the Kilij


Carthus Shotel: Karkat Vantas Skeleton Edition


Rotten Ghru Curved Sword: Poo Sword


Murakumo: Finally has a decent moveset


Exile Greatsword: Bandaid hilt


Old Wolf Curved Sword: No weapon class is safe from fan service


Carthus Curved Greatsword: Bleed Edition



Uchigatana: PvP Standard


Washing Pole: Sephiroth cosplay


Black Blade: Style points aren’t currency


Darkdrift: Why do Asian cultures love invisible swords so much


Onikiri and Ubadachi: Shonen Jump

Chaos Blade: Anti-magic pixel


Bloodlust: You can't hurt me if I hurt myself


Rapier: The grip is white now

Estoc: META META META META



Ricard's Rapier: How legendary can badly defending one stairway be


Crystal Sage's Rapier: Drop your shit goddamnit


Irithyll Rapier: Chillrend poke edition


Hand Axe: HERE'S JOHNNY

Battle Axe: Swing it differently this time



Brigand Axe: Is it superior? Who knows


Thrall Axe: Poison Swamp Trivialiser


Dragonslayer's Axe: Cockney man refuses to die


Butcher Knife: Forever the Fat Woman's specialty


Winged Knight Twinaxes: Twin Spin to Win


Eleonora: Pried from the hands of hands with hands


Man Serpent Hatchet: Karkat Vantas Snake Edition


Greataxe: Award for most unchanged weapon


Dragonslayer Greataxe: This isn’t a spear


Demon's Greataxe: Now ON FIRE


Great Machete: *sad Capra Demon noises*


Yhorm's Great Machete: You only use that notch when angry

Black Knight Greataxe: Jump for joy/death


Club: Literally a stick



Reinforced Club: Stick with nails

Mace: Why are these always associated with clerics


Morning Star: Absolutely Barbaric

Drang Hammers: Akin to interperative dance



Heysel Pick: More like pick a different weapon amirite


Warpick: MrIWont4Get's Favourite


Blacksmith Hammer: You're holding it backwards


Gargoyle Flame Hammer: Every Greathammer needs a flamethrower


Large Club: Not the Great Club

Great Club: Not the Large Club


Great Mace: Berenike classic


Vordt's Great Hammer: Fridge Hammer


Morne's Great Hammer: Grant 2.0


Great Wooden Hammer: Visions of Giant Blacksmith



Smough's Great Hammer: Whack-a-mole just got silly


Old King's Great Hammer: Another classic ON FIRE


Pickaxe: Minecraft cosplay


Dragon Tooth: Havel’s penis


Spiked Mace: Dynasty Warriors


Caestus: The ol' 1-2


Demon's Fist: Kyo Kusanagi


Dark Hand: Can't suck Humanity, might as well suck balls

Claw: *Wolverine joke*


Manikin Claws: Nobody has original designs, do they


Arstor's Spear: Vlad the Impaler


Drang Twinspears: How is this a practical setup


Gargoyle Flame Spear: GARGOYLE used FLAME CHARGE


Spear: The Poker


Winged Spear: The Better Poker



Tailbone Spear: The Fart Poker


Pike: The Long Poker

Four-Pronged Plow: Couple with torches to gank Shrek cosplayers


Saint Bident: Saint Bident of Charge


Rotten Ghru Spear: The Poop Poker


Partizan: Almost a Halberd


Yorshka's Spear: Anti-mage Poker


Dragonslayer Spear: Oh, there it is


Dragonslayer Swordspear: More Ornstein than Ornstein


Golden Ritual Spear: Pilgrim’s Spontoon hit by a car

Soldering Iron: BDSM Souls


Lothric Knight Long Spear: The Steady Poker


Greatlance: At least a horse is mentioned this time


Halberd: Scrub stick


Red Hilted Halberd: Scrub stick Classic Edition


Lucerne: Switzerland must exist apparently


Winged Knight Halberd: Spin to Win and Win and Win and Win and Win


Glaive: They still fucking got the name wrong


Crescent Axe: Pick a weapon class damnit


Gundyr's Halberd: You put your halberd in and you spin it all about


Black Knight Glaive: Finally named correctly


Immolation Tinder: Hard to get dates with this thing


Great Scythe: All Scythes are great


Pontiff Knight Great Scythe: Even the cold ones


Great Corvian Scythe: And the feathery ones


Whip: Softcore


Notched Whip: Hardcore


Witch's Locks: Hotcore


Spotted Whip: Spotcore

Short Bow: Why aren't you using a Composite Bow


Longbow: Why aren't you using the Black Bow of Pharis


Composite Bow: Original Crackshot

Dragonrider Bow: Why you're NOT using the Composite bow


Black Bow of Pharis: Robin Hood's wet dream



Darkmoon Longbow: Original Darkmoon Bow didn't go through puberty well


Onislayer Greatbow: Still gotta be Japanese-y


Dragonslayer Greatbow: I am the bone of my sword


Light Crossbow: Why aren't you using the Heavy Crossbow

Knight's Crossbow: Crossbow 2; Electric Boogaloo


Arbalest: Suspicious name change


Sniper Crossbow: Actually functional now


Avelyn: Enter The Matrix


Heavy Crossbow: Completionism Crossbow


Sorcerer's Staff: First Laser Stick


Heretic's Staff: Shunned Laser Stick


Witchtree Branch: Dusk’s Laser Stick


Sage's Crystal Staff: Diamonds aren’t forever


Izalith Staff: Still can’t cast fire spells


Court Sorcerer's Staff: Logan’s bent dong


Man-Grub's Staff: You feelin’ lucky punk


Storyteller's Staff: Attempted murder


Medicant's Staff: I NEED THE SHIELD DAMNIT


Archdeacon Great Staff: Holy Laser Stick


Pyromancy Flame: FALCON PUNCH


Talisman: Totally not toiler paper


Saint's Talisman: Holy toilet paper


Sunlight Talisman: Eat Lightning, Shit Thunder


Canvas Talisman: Eco Toilet Paper


White Hair Talisman: Toilet Paper after Mexican


Sunless Talisman: Luxury Toilet Paper


Cleric's Sacred Chime: The Lords be with you


Priest's Chime: And also with you


Crystal Chime: How does this not break all the time


Caitha's Chime: This bell is full of BEES


Saint-tree Bellvine: Even trees are goddamn saints


Yorshka's Chime: You monster

[karadork-nerd-cheiftain]

Summary of Dark Souls 3 Weapons

Dagger: Why aren't you using a Bandit's Knife


Parrying Dagger: Never actually used as a weapon


Mail Breaker: Fuck your shields


Bandit's Knife: Quick, exploit the Bleed


Rotten Ghru Dagger: Poison for the lazy


Corvian Greatknife: THIS is a knife


Handmaid's Dagger: I will stab you no matter what


Scholar's Candlestick: Laser power-up


Tailbone Short Sword: Drake Sword Lite Edition


Brigand Twindaggers: Dragon's Dogma


Harpe: Not actually a musical instrument


Shortsword: Why aren't you using a Longsword


Longsword: Ol' Faithful


Broadsword: Who uses stab attacks anyway


Broken Straight Sword: 10 of these during early game


Astora Straight Sword: Losing my religion


Lothric Knight Sword: Let's get stabby


Barbed Straight Sword: Constantly getting caught on clothing probably


Dark Sword: Emo blade with added Meta


Cleric's Candlestick: Blue Flame's gross uncle


Irithyll Straight Sword: Chillrend


Anri's Straight Sword: Waifu sword


Sunlight Straight Sword: Praising just got easier


Morion Blade: Remember how Demon's Soul was a thing

Lothric's Holy Sword: HOLY SHIT LASERS


Gotthard Twinswords: Sith Lord Cosplay


Bastard Sword: Why aren't you using a Claymore


Claymore: Larger Faithful


Flameberge: Zweihander's gay little brother


Hollowslayer Greatsword: Dumbshit's guide to DS2


Black Knight Sword: Crossfit while fighting demons

Executioner's Greatword: Tarkus Concept Art


Wolf Knight's Greatword: Can you actually imagine a Wolf doing flips like this like holy shit


Wolnir's Holy Sword: Trypophobia Blade


Greatsword of Judgment: Moonlight Greatsword Lite Edition


Storm Ruler: HEY GUYS REMEMBER DEMON'S SOULS


Moonlight Greatsword: Raspberry Popsicle of Cameo Obligation


Twin Princes' Greatsword: Literally fire-ing mah lazar

Drakeblood Greatsword: Over ambitious longsword



Firelink Greatsword: Finally got one, finally disappointed

Zweihander: Baby's First UGS


Greatsword: Repairs complete


Astora Greatsword: CHAAAAAAAAAARGE


Farron Greatsword: Breakdancing Blade


Fume Ultra Greatsword: Hits like a truck, the size and weight of one too


Profaned Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk I


Cathedral Knight Greatsword: Gatsu stronk


Black Knight Greatsword: Original Golf Driver


Lorian's Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk II


Lothric Knight Greatsword: Bass Cannon knockoff



Scimitar: Why aren't you using a Falchion



Falchion: Oroboro's penis


Sellsword Twinblades: Russian weapons, Arabic implications

Shotel: Douchebag Blade

Crescent Moon Sword: Karkat Vantas firing lasers

Pontiff Knight Curved Sword: How do insects even eat metal like damn

Warden Twinblades: Obligatory bleed variant



Painting Guardian's Curved Sword: Sick spins


Dancer's Enchanted Swords: Rave Swords


Storm Curved Sword: Fart Scimatar


Carthus Curved Sword: If only it were the Kilij


Carthus Shotel: Karkat Vantas Skeleton Edition


Rotten Ghru Curved Sword: Poo Sword


Murakumo: Finally has a decent moveset


Exile Greatsword: Bandaid hilt


Old Wolf Curved Sword: No weapon class is safe from fan service


Carthus Curved Greatsword: Bleed Edition



Uchigatana: PvP Standard


Washing Pole: Sephiroth cosplay


Black Blade: Style points aren’t currency


Darkdrift: Why do Asian cultures love invisible swords so much


Onikiri and Ubadachi: Shonen Jump

Chaos Blade: Anti-magic pixel


Bloodlust: You can't hurt me if I hurt myself


Rapier: The grip is white now

Estoc: META META META META



Ricard's Rapier: How legendary can badly defending one stairway be


Crystal Sage's Rapier: Drop your shit goddamnit


Irithyll Rapier: Chillrend poke edition


Hand Axe: HERE'S JOHNNY

Battle Axe: Swing it differently this time



Brigand Axe: Is it superior? Who knows


Thrall Axe: Poison Swamp Trivialiser


Dragonslayer's Axe: Cockney man refuses to die


Butcher Knife: Forever the Fat Woman's specialty


Winged Knight Twinaxes: Twin Spin to Win


Eleonora: Pried from the hands of hands with hands


Man Serpent Hatchet: Karkat Vantas Snake Edition


Greataxe: Award for most unchanged weapon


Dragonslayer Greataxe: This isn’t a spear


Demon's Greataxe: Now ON FIRE


Great Machete: *sad Capra Demon noises*


Yhorm's Great Machete: You only use that notch when angry

Black Knight Greataxe: Jump for joy/death


Club: Literally a stick



Reinforced Club: Stick with nails

Mace: Why are these always associated with clerics


Morning Star: Absolutely Barbaric

Drang Hammers: Akin to interperative dance



Heysel Pick: More like pick a different weapon amirite


Warpick: MrIWont4Get's Favourite


Blacksmith Hammer: You're holding it backwards


Gargoyle Flame Hammer: Every Greathammer needs a flamethrower


Large Club: Not the Great Club

Great Club: Not the Large Club


Great Mace: Berenike classic


Vordt's Great Hammer: Fridge Hammer


Morne's Great Hammer: Grant 2.0


Great Wooden Hammer: Visions of Giant Blacksmith



Smough's Great Hammer: Whack-a-mole just got silly


Old King's Great Hammer: Another classic ON FIRE


Pickaxe: Minecraft cosplay


Dragon Tooth: Havel’s penis


Spiked Mace: Dynasty Warriors


Caestus: The ol' 1-2


Demon's Fist: Kyo Kusanagi


Dark Hand: Can't suck Humanity, might as well suck balls

Claw: *Wolverine joke*


Manikin Claws: Nobody has original designs, do they


Arstor's Spear: Vlad the Impaler


Drang Twinspears: How is this a practical setup


Gargoyle Flame Spear: GARGOYLE used FLAME CHARGE


Spear: The Poker


Winged Spear: The Better Poker



Tailbone Spear: The Fart Poker


Pike: The Long Poker

Four-Pronged Plow: Couple with torches to gank Shrek cosplayers


Saint Bident: Saint Bident of Charge


Rotten Ghru Spear: The Poop Poker


Partizan: Almost a Halberd


Yorshka's Spear: Anti-mage Poker


Dragonslayer Spear: Oh, there it is


Dragonslayer Swordspear: More Ornstein than Ornstein


Golden Ritual Spear: Pilgrim’s Spontoon hit by a car

Soldering Iron: BDSM Souls


Lothric Knight Long Spear: The Steady Poker


Greatlance: At least a horse is mentioned this time


Halberd: Scrub stick


Red Hilted Halberd: Scrub stick Classic Edition


Lucerne: Switzerland must exist apparently


Winged Knight Halberd: Spin to Win and Win and Win and Win and Win


Glaive: They still fucking got the name wrong


Crescent Axe: Pick a weapon class damnit


Gundyr's Halberd: You put your halberd in and you spin it all about


Black Knight Glaive: Finally named correctly


Immolation Tinder: Hard to get dates with this thing


Great Scythe: All Scythes are great


Pontiff Knight Great Scythe: Even the cold ones


Great Corvian Scythe: And the feathery ones


Whip: Softcore


Notched Whip: Hardcore


Witch's Locks: Hotcore


Spotted Whip: Spotcore

Short Bow: Why aren't you using a Composite Bow


Longbow: Why aren't you using the Black Bow of Pharis


Composite Bow: Original Crackshot

Dragonrider Bow: Why you're NOT using the Composite bow


Black Bow of Pharis: Robin Hood's wet dream



Darkmoon Longbow: Original Darkmoon Bow didn't go through puberty well


Onislayer Greatbow: Still gotta be Japanese-y


Dragonslayer Greatbow: I am the bone of my sword


Light Crossbow: Why aren't you using the Heavy Crossbow

Knight's Crossbow: Crossbow 2; Electric Boogaloo


Arbalest: Suspicious name change


Sniper Crossbow: Actually functional now


Avelyn: Enter The Matrix


Heavy Crossbow: Completionism Crossbow


Sorcerer's Staff: First Laser Stick


Heretic's Staff: Shunned Laser Stick


Witchtree Branch: Dusk’s Laser Stick


Sage's Crystal Staff: Diamonds aren’t forever


Izalith Staff: Still can’t cast fire spells


Court Sorcerer's Staff: Logan’s bent dong


Man-Grub's Staff: You feelin’ lucky punk


Storyteller's Staff: Attempted murder


Medicant's Staff: I NEED THE SHIELD DAMNIT


Archdeacon Great Staff: Holy Laser Stick


Pyromancy Flame: FALCON PUNCH


Talisman: Totally not toiler paper


Saint's Talisman: Holy toilet paper


Sunlight Talisman: Eat Lightning, Shit Thunder


Canvas Talisman: Eco Toilet Paper


White Hair Talisman: Toilet Paper after Mexican


Sunless Talisman: Luxury Toilet Paper


Cleric's Sacred Chime: The Lords be with you


Priest's Chime: And also with you


Crystal Chime: How does this not break all the time


Caitha's Chime: This bell is full of BEES


Saint-tree Bellvine: Even trees are goddamn saints


Yorshka's Chime: You monster

[fereldenshadowknight]

Summary of Dark Souls 3 Weapons

Dagger: Why aren't you using a Bandit's Knife


Parrying Dagger: Never actually used as a weapon


Mail Breaker: Fuck your shields


Bandit's Knife: Quick, exploit the Bleed


Rotten Ghru Dagger: Poison for the lazy


Corvian Greatknife: THIS is a knife


Handmaid's Dagger: I will stab you no matter what


Scholar's Candlestick: Laser power-up


Tailbone Short Sword: Drake Sword Lite Edition


Brigand Twindaggers: Dragon's Dogma


Harpe: Not actually a musical instrument


Shortsword: Why aren't you using a Longsword


Longsword: Ol' Faithful


Broadsword: Who uses stab attacks anyway


Broken Straight Sword: 10 of these during early game


Astora Straight Sword: Losing my religion


Lothric Knight Sword: Let's get stabby


Barbed Straight Sword: Constantly getting caught on clothing probably


Dark Sword: Emo blade with added Meta


Cleric's Candlestick: Blue Flame's gross uncle


Irithyll Straight Sword: Chillrend


Anri's Straight Sword: Waifu sword


Sunlight Straight Sword: Praising just got easier


Morion Blade: Remember how Demon's Soul was a thing

Lothric's Holy Sword: HOLY SHIT LASERS


Gotthard Twinswords: Sith Lord Cosplay


Bastard Sword: Why aren't you using a Claymore


Claymore: Larger Faithful


Flameberge: Zweihander's gay little brother


Hollowslayer Greatsword: Dumbshit's guide to DS2


Black Knight Sword: Crossfit while fighting demons

Executioner's Greatword: Tarkus Concept Art


Wolf Knight's Greatword: Can you actually imagine a Wolf doing flips like this like holy shit


Wolnir's Holy Sword: Trypophobia Blade


Greatsword of Judgment: Moonlight Greatsword Lite Edition


Storm Ruler: HEY GUYS REMEMBER DEMON'S SOULS


Moonlight Greatsword: Raspberry Popsicle of Cameo Obligation


Twin Princes' Greatsword: Literally fire-ing mah lazar

Drakeblood Greatsword: Over ambitious longsword



Firelink Greatsword: Finally got one, finally disappointed

Zweihander: Baby's First UGS


Greatsword: Repairs complete


Astora Greatsword: CHAAAAAAAAAARGE


Farron Greatsword: Breakdancing Blade


Fume Ultra Greatsword: Hits like a truck, the size and weight of one too


Profaned Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk I


Cathedral Knight Greatsword: Gatsu stronk


Black Knight Greatsword: Original Golf Driver


Lorian's Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk II


Lothric Knight Greatsword: Bass Cannon knockoff



Scimitar: Why aren't you using a Falchion



Falchion: Oroboro's penis


Sellsword Twinblades: Russian weapons, Arabic implications

Shotel: Douchebag Blade

Crescent Moon Sword: Karkat Vantas firing lasers

Pontiff Knight Curved Sword: How do insects even eat metal like damn

Warden Twinblades: Obligatory bleed variant



Painting Guardian's Curved Sword: Sick spins


Dancer's Enchanted Swords: Rave Swords


Storm Curved Sword: Fart Scimatar


Carthus Curved Sword: If only it were the Kilij


Carthus Shotel: Karkat Vantas Skeleton Edition


Rotten Ghru Curved Sword: Poo Sword


Murakumo: Finally has a decent moveset


Exile Greatsword: Bandaid hilt


Old Wolf Curved Sword: No weapon class is safe from fan service


Carthus Curved Greatsword: Bleed Edition



Uchigatana: PvP Standard


Washing Pole: Sephiroth cosplay


Black Blade: Style points aren’t currency


Darkdrift: Why do Asian cultures love invisible swords so much


Onikiri and Ubadachi: Shonen Jump

Chaos Blade: Anti-magic pixel


Bloodlust: You can't hurt me if I hurt myself


Rapier: The grip is white now

Estoc: META META META META



Ricard's Rapier: How legendary can badly defending one stairway be


Crystal Sage's Rapier: Drop your shit goddamnit


Irithyll Rapier: Chillrend poke edition


Hand Axe: HERE'S JOHNNY

Battle Axe: Swing it differently this time



Brigand Axe: Is it superior? Who knows


Thrall Axe: Poison Swamp Trivialiser


Dragonslayer's Axe: Cockney man refuses to die


Butcher Knife: Forever the Fat Woman's specialty


Winged Knight Twinaxes: Twin Spin to Win


Eleonora: Pried from the hands of hands with hands


Man Serpent Hatchet: Karkat Vantas Snake Edition


Greataxe: Award for most unchanged weapon


Dragonslayer Greataxe: This isn’t a spear


Demon's Greataxe: Now ON FIRE


Great Machete: *sad Capra Demon noises*


Yhorm's Great Machete: You only use that notch when angry

Black Knight Greataxe: Jump for joy/death


Club: Literally a stick



Reinforced Club: Stick with nails

Mace: Why are these always associated with clerics


Morning Star: Absolutely Barbaric

Drang Hammers: Akin to interperative dance



Heysel Pick: More like pick a different weapon amirite


Warpick: MrIWont4Get's Favourite


Blacksmith Hammer: You're holding it backwards


Gargoyle Flame Hammer: Every Greathammer needs a flamethrower


Large Club: Not the Great Club

Great Club: Not the Large Club


Great Mace: Berenike classic


Vordt's Great Hammer: Fridge Hammer


Morne's Great Hammer: Grant 2.0


Great Wooden Hammer: Visions of Giant Blacksmith



Smough's Great Hammer: Whack-a-mole just got silly


Old King's Great Hammer: Another classic ON FIRE


Pickaxe: Minecraft cosplay


Dragon Tooth: Havel’s penis


Spiked Mace: Dynasty Warriors


Caestus: The ol' 1-2


Demon's Fist: Kyo Kusanagi


Dark Hand: Can't suck Humanity, might as well suck balls

Claw: *Wolverine joke*


Manikin Claws: Nobody has original designs, do they


Arstor's Spear: Vlad the Impaler


Drang Twinspears: How is this a practical setup


Gargoyle Flame Spear: GARGOYLE used FLAME CHARGE


Spear: The Poker


Winged Spear: The Better Poker



Tailbone Spear: The Fart Poker


Pike: The Long Poker

Four-Pronged Plow: Couple with torches to gank Shrek cosplayers


Saint Bident: Saint Bident of Charge


Rotten Ghru Spear: The Poop Poker


Partizan: Almost a Halberd


Yorshka's Spear: Anti-mage Poker


Dragonslayer Spear: Oh, there it is


Dragonslayer Swordspear: More Ornstein than Ornstein


Golden Ritual Spear: Pilgrim’s Spontoon hit by a car

Soldering Iron: BDSM Souls


Lothric Knight Long Spear: The Steady Poker


Greatlance: At least a horse is mentioned this time


Halberd: Scrub stick


Red Hilted Halberd: Scrub stick Classic Edition


Lucerne: Switzerland must exist apparently


Winged Knight Halberd: Spin to Win and Win and Win and Win and Win


Glaive: They still fucking got the name wrong


Crescent Axe: Pick a weapon class damnit


Gundyr's Halberd: You put your halberd in and you spin it all about


Black Knight Glaive: Finally named correctly


Immolation Tinder: Hard to get dates with this thing


Great Scythe: All Scythes are great


Pontiff Knight Great Scythe: Even the cold ones


Great Corvian Scythe: And the feathery ones


Whip: Softcore


Notched Whip: Hardcore


Witch's Locks: Hotcore


Spotted Whip: Spotcore

Short Bow: Why aren't you using a Composite Bow


Longbow: Why aren't you using the Black Bow of Pharis


Composite Bow: Original Crackshot

Dragonrider Bow: Why you're NOT using the Composite bow


Black Bow of Pharis: Robin Hood's wet dream



Darkmoon Longbow: Original Darkmoon Bow didn't go through puberty well


Onislayer Greatbow: Still gotta be Japanese-y


Dragonslayer Greatbow: I am the bone of my sword


Light Crossbow: Why aren't you using the Heavy Crossbow

Knight's Crossbow: Crossbow 2; Electric Boogaloo


Arbalest: Suspicious name change


Sniper Crossbow: Actually functional now


Avelyn: Enter The Matrix


Heavy Crossbow: Completionism Crossbow


Sorcerer's Staff: First Laser Stick


Heretic's Staff: Shunned Laser Stick


Witchtree Branch: Dusk’s Laser Stick


Sage's Crystal Staff: Diamonds aren’t forever


Izalith Staff: Still can’t cast fire spells


Court Sorcerer's Staff: Logan’s bent dong


Man-Grub's Staff: You feelin’ lucky punk


Storyteller's Staff: Attempted murder


Medicant's Staff: I NEED THE SHIELD DAMNIT


Archdeacon Great Staff: Holy Laser Stick


Pyromancy Flame: FALCON PUNCH


Talisman: Totally not toiler paper


Saint's Talisman: Holy toilet paper


Sunlight Talisman: Eat Lightning, Shit Thunder


Canvas Talisman: Eco Toilet Paper


White Hair Talisman: Toilet Paper after Mexican


Sunless Talisman: Luxury Toilet Paper


Cleric's Sacred Chime: The Lords be with you


Priest's Chime: And also with you


Crystal Chime: How does this not break all the time


Caitha's Chime: This bell is full of BEES


Saint-tree Bellvine: Even trees are goddamn saints


Yorshka's Chime: You monster

[onyxtrebuchet]

Summary of Dark Souls 3 Weapons

Dagger: Why aren't you using a Bandit's Knife


Parrying Dagger: Never actually used as a weapon


Mail Breaker: Fuck your shields


Bandit's Knife: Quick, exploit the Bleed


Rotten Ghru Dagger: Poison for the lazy


Corvian Greatknife: THIS is a knife


Handmaid's Dagger: I will stab you no matter what


Scholar's Candlestick: Laser power-up


Tailbone Short Sword: Drake Sword Lite Edition


Brigand Twindaggers: Dragon's Dogma


Harpe: Not actually a musical instrument


Shortsword: Why aren't you using a Longsword


Longsword: Ol' Faithful


Broadsword: Who uses stab attacks anyway


Broken Straight Sword: 10 of these during early game


Astora Straight Sword: Losing my religion


Lothric Knight Sword: Let's get stabby


Barbed Straight Sword: Constantly getting caught on clothing probably


Dark Sword: Emo blade with added Meta


Cleric's Candlestick: Blue Flame's gross uncle


Irithyll Straight Sword: Chillrend


Anri's Straight Sword: Waifu sword


Sunlight Straight Sword: Praising just got easier


Morion Blade: Remember how Demon's Soul was a thing

Lothric's Holy Sword: HOLY SHIT LASERS


Gotthard Twinswords: Sith Lord Cosplay


Bastard Sword: Why aren't you using a Claymore


Claymore: Larger Faithful


Flameberge: Zweihander's gay little brother


Hollowslayer Greatsword: Dumbshit's guide to DS2


Black Knight Sword: Crossfit while fighting demons

Executioner's Greatword: Tarkus Concept Art


Wolf Knight's Greatword: Can you actually imagine a Wolf doing flips like this like holy shit


Wolnir's Holy Sword: Trypophobia Blade


Greatsword of Judgment: Moonlight Greatsword Lite Edition


Storm Ruler: HEY GUYS REMEMBER DEMON'S SOULS


Moonlight Greatsword: Raspberry Popsicle of Cameo Obligation


Twin Princes' Greatsword: Literally fire-ing mah lazar

Drakeblood Greatsword: Over ambitious longsword



Firelink Greatsword: Finally got one, finally disappointed

Zweihander: Baby's First UGS


Greatsword: Repairs complete


Astora Greatsword: CHAAAAAAAAAARGE


Farron Greatsword: Breakdancing Blade


Fume Ultra Greatsword: Hits like a truck, the size and weight of one too


Profaned Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk I


Cathedral Knight Greatsword: Gatsu stronk


Black Knight Greatsword: Original Golf Driver


Lorian's Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk II


Lothric Knight Greatsword: Bass Cannon knockoff



Scimitar: Why aren't you using a Falchion



Falchion: Oroboro's penis


Sellsword Twinblades: Russian weapons, Arabic implications

Shotel: Douchebag Blade

Crescent Moon Sword: Karkat Vantas firing lasers

Pontiff Knight Curved Sword: How do insects even eat metal like damn

Warden Twinblades: Obligatory bleed variant



Painting Guardian's Curved Sword: Sick spins


Dancer's Enchanted Swords: Rave Swords


Storm Curved Sword: Fart Scimatar


Carthus Curved Sword: If only it were the Kilij


Carthus Shotel: Karkat Vantas Skeleton Edition


Rotten Ghru Curved Sword: Poo Sword


Murakumo: Finally has a decent moveset


Exile Greatsword: Bandaid hilt


Old Wolf Curved Sword: No weapon class is safe from fan service


Carthus Curved Greatsword: Bleed Edition



Uchigatana: PvP Standard


Washing Pole: Sephiroth cosplay


Black Blade: Style points aren’t currency


Darkdrift: Why do Asian cultures love invisible swords so much


Onikiri and Ubadachi: Shonen Jump

Chaos Blade: Anti-magic pixel


Bloodlust: You can't hurt me if I hurt myself


Rapier: The grip is white now

Estoc: META META META META



Ricard's Rapier: How legendary can badly defending one stairway be


Crystal Sage's Rapier: Drop your shit goddamnit


Irithyll Rapier: Chillrend poke edition


Hand Axe: HERE'S JOHNNY

Battle Axe: Swing it differently this time



Brigand Axe: Is it superior? Who knows


Thrall Axe: Poison Swamp Trivialiser


Dragonslayer's Axe: Cockney man refuses to die


Butcher Knife: Forever the Fat Woman's specialty


Winged Knight Twinaxes: Twin Spin to Win


Eleonora: Pried from the hands of hands with hands


Man Serpent Hatchet: Karkat Vantas Snake Edition


Greataxe: Award for most unchanged weapon


Dragonslayer Greataxe: This isn’t a spear


Demon's Greataxe: Now ON FIRE


Great Machete: *sad Capra Demon noises*


Yhorm's Great Machete: You only use that notch when angry

Black Knight Greataxe: Jump for joy/death


Club: Literally a stick



Reinforced Club: Stick with nails

Mace: Why are these always associated with clerics


Morning Star: Absolutely Barbaric

Drang Hammers: Akin to interperative dance



Heysel Pick: More like pick a different weapon amirite


Warpick: MrIWont4Get's Favourite


Blacksmith Hammer: You're holding it backwards


Gargoyle Flame Hammer: Every Greathammer needs a flamethrower


Large Club: Not the Great Club

Great Club: Not the Large Club


Great Mace: Berenike classic


Vordt's Great Hammer: Fridge Hammer


Morne's Great Hammer: Grant 2.0


Great Wooden Hammer: Visions of Giant Blacksmith



Smough's Great Hammer: Whack-a-mole just got silly


Old King's Great Hammer: Another classic ON FIRE


Pickaxe: Minecraft cosplay


Dragon Tooth: Havel’s penis


Spiked Mace: Dynasty Warriors


Caestus: The ol' 1-2


Demon's Fist: Kyo Kusanagi


Dark Hand: Can't suck Humanity, might as well suck balls

Claw: *Wolverine joke*


Manikin Claws: Nobody has original designs, do they


Arstor's Spear: Vlad the Impaler


Drang Twinspears: How is this a practical setup


Gargoyle Flame Spear: GARGOYLE used FLAME CHARGE


Spear: The Poker


Winged Spear: The Better Poker



Tailbone Spear: The Fart Poker


Pike: The Long Poker

Four-Pronged Plow: Couple with torches to gank Shrek cosplayers


Saint Bident: Saint Bident of Charge


Rotten Ghru Spear: The Poop Poker


Partizan: Almost a Halberd


Yorshka's Spear: Anti-mage Poker


Dragonslayer Spear: Oh, there it is


Dragonslayer Swordspear: More Ornstein than Ornstein


Golden Ritual Spear: Pilgrim’s Spontoon hit by a car

Soldering Iron: BDSM Souls


Lothric Knight Long Spear: The Steady Poker


Greatlance: At least a horse is mentioned this time


Halberd: Scrub stick


Red Hilted Halberd: Scrub stick Classic Edition


Lucerne: Switzerland must exist apparently


Winged Knight Halberd: Spin to Win and Win and Win and Win and Win


Glaive: They still fucking got the name wrong


Crescent Axe: Pick a weapon class damnit


Gundyr's Halberd: You put your halberd in and you spin it all about


Black Knight Glaive: Finally named correctly


Immolation Tinder: Hard to get dates with this thing


Great Scythe: All Scythes are great


Pontiff Knight Great Scythe: Even the cold ones


Great Corvian Scythe: And the feathery ones


Whip: Softcore


Notched Whip: Hardcore


Witch's Locks: Hotcore


Spotted Whip: Spotcore

Short Bow: Why aren't you using a Composite Bow


Longbow: Why aren't you using the Black Bow of Pharis


Composite Bow: Original Crackshot

Dragonrider Bow: Why you're NOT using the Composite bow


Black Bow of Pharis: Robin Hood's wet dream



Darkmoon Longbow: Original Darkmoon Bow didn't go through puberty well


Onislayer Greatbow: Still gotta be Japanese-y


Dragonslayer Greatbow: I am the bone of my sword


Light Crossbow: Why aren't you using the Heavy Crossbow

Knight's Crossbow: Crossbow 2; Electric Boogaloo


Arbalest: Suspicious name change


Sniper Crossbow: Actually functional now


Avelyn: Enter The Matrix


Heavy Crossbow: Completionism Crossbow


Sorcerer's Staff: First Laser Stick


Heretic's Staff: Shunned Laser Stick


Witchtree Branch: Dusk’s Laser Stick


Sage's Crystal Staff: Diamonds aren’t forever


Izalith Staff: Still can’t cast fire spells


Court Sorcerer's Staff: Logan’s bent dong


Man-Grub's Staff: You feelin’ lucky punk


Storyteller's Staff: Attempted murder


Medicant's Staff: I NEED THE SHIELD DAMNIT


Archdeacon Great Staff: Holy Laser Stick


Pyromancy Flame: FALCON PUNCH


Talisman: Totally not toiler paper


Saint's Talisman: Holy toilet paper


Sunlight Talisman: Eat Lightning, Shit Thunder


Canvas Talisman: Eco Toilet Paper


White Hair Talisman: Toilet Paper after Mexican


Sunless Talisman: Luxury Toilet Paper


Cleric's Sacred Chime: The Lords be with you


Priest's Chime: And also with you


Crystal Chime: How does this not break all the time


Caitha's Chime: This bell is full of BEES


Saint-tree Bellvine: Even trees are goddamn saints


Yorshka's Chime: You monster

[naclknigga]

Summary of Dark Souls 3 Weapons

Dagger: Why aren't you using a Bandit's Knife


Parrying Dagger: Never actually used as a weapon


Mail Breaker: Fuck your shields


Bandit's Knife: Quick, exploit the Bleed


Rotten Ghru Dagger: Poison for the lazy


Corvian Greatknife: THIS is a knife


Handmaid's Dagger: I will stab you no matter what


Scholar's Candlestick: Laser power-up


Tailbone Short Sword: Drake Sword Lite Edition


Brigand Twindaggers: Dragon's Dogma


Harpe: Not actually a musical instrument


Shortsword: Why aren't you using a Longsword


Longsword: Ol' Faithful


Broadsword: Who uses stab attacks anyway


Broken Straight Sword: 10 of these during early game


Astora Straight Sword: Losing my religion


Lothric Knight Sword: Let's get stabby


Barbed Straight Sword: Constantly getting caught on clothing probably


Dark Sword: Emo blade with added Meta


Cleric's Candlestick: Blue Flame's gross uncle


Irithyll Straight Sword: Chillrend


Anri's Straight Sword: Waifu sword


Sunlight Straight Sword: Praising just got easier


Morion Blade: Remember how Demon's Soul was a thing

Lothric's Holy Sword: HOLY SHIT LASERS


Gotthard Twinswords: Sith Lord Cosplay


Bastard Sword: Why aren't you using a Claymore


Claymore: Larger Faithful


Flameberge: Zweihander's gay little brother


Hollowslayer Greatsword: Dumbshit's guide to DS2


Black Knight Sword: Crossfit while fighting demons

Executioner's Greatword: Tarkus Concept Art


Wolf Knight's Greatword: Can you actually imagine a Wolf doing flips like this like holy shit


Wolnir's Holy Sword: Trypophobia Blade


Greatsword of Judgment: Moonlight Greatsword Lite Edition


Storm Ruler: HEY GUYS REMEMBER DEMON'S SOULS


Moonlight Greatsword: Raspberry Popsicle of Cameo Obligation


Twin Princes' Greatsword: Literally fire-ing mah lazar

Drakeblood Greatsword: Over ambitious longsword



Firelink Greatsword: Finally got one, finally disappointed

Zweihander: Baby's First UGS


Greatsword: Repairs complete


Astora Greatsword: CHAAAAAAAAAARGE


Farron Greatsword: Breakdancing Blade


Fume Ultra Greatsword: Hits like a truck, the size and weight of one too


Profaned Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk I


Cathedral Knight Greatsword: Gatsu stronk


Black Knight Greatsword: Original Golf Driver


Lorian's Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk II


Lothric Knight Greatsword: Bass Cannon knockoff



Scimitar: Why aren't you using a Falchion



Falchion: Oroboro's penis


Sellsword Twinblades: Russian weapons, Arabic implications

Shotel: Douchebag Blade

Crescent Moon Sword: Karkat Vantas firing lasers

Pontiff Knight Curved Sword: How do insects even eat metal like damn

Warden Twinblades: Obligatory bleed variant



Painting Guardian's Curved Sword: Sick spins


Dancer's Enchanted Swords: Rave Swords


Storm Curved Sword: Fart Scimatar


Carthus Curved Sword: If only it were the Kilij


Carthus Shotel: Karkat Vantas Skeleton Edition


Rotten Ghru Curved Sword: Poo Sword


Murakumo: Finally has a decent moveset


Exile Greatsword: Bandaid hilt


Old Wolf Curved Sword: No weapon class is safe from fan service


Carthus Curved Greatsword: Bleed Edition



Uchigatana: PvP Standard


Washing Pole: Sephiroth cosplay


Black Blade: Style points aren’t currency


Darkdrift: Why do Asian cultures love invisible swords so much


Onikiri and Ubadachi: Shonen Jump

Chaos Blade: Anti-magic pixel


Bloodlust: You can't hurt me if I hurt myself


Rapier: The grip is white now

Estoc: META META META META



Ricard's Rapier: How legendary can badly defending one stairway be


Crystal Sage's Rapier: Drop your shit goddamnit


Irithyll Rapier: Chillrend poke edition


Hand Axe: HERE'S JOHNNY

Battle Axe: Swing it differently this time



Brigand Axe: Is it superior? Who knows


Thrall Axe: Poison Swamp Trivialiser


Dragonslayer's Axe: Cockney man refuses to die


Butcher Knife: Forever the Fat Woman's specialty


Winged Knight Twinaxes: Twin Spin to Win


Eleonora: Pried from the hands of hands with hands


Man Serpent Hatchet: Karkat Vantas Snake Edition


Greataxe: Award for most unchanged weapon


Dragonslayer Greataxe: This isn’t a spear


Demon's Greataxe: Now ON FIRE


Great Machete: *sad Capra Demon noises*


Yhorm's Great Machete: You only use that notch when angry

Black Knight Greataxe: Jump for joy/death


Club: Literally a stick



Reinforced Club: Stick with nails

Mace: Why are these always associated with clerics


Morning Star: Absolutely Barbaric

Drang Hammers: Akin to interperative dance



Heysel Pick: More like pick a different weapon amirite


Warpick: MrIWont4Get's Favourite


Blacksmith Hammer: You're holding it backwards


Gargoyle Flame Hammer: Every Greathammer needs a flamethrower


Large Club: Not the Great Club

Great Club: Not the Large Club


Great Mace: Berenike classic


Vordt's Great Hammer: Fridge Hammer


Morne's Great Hammer: Grant 2.0


Great Wooden Hammer: Visions of Giant Blacksmith



Smough's Great Hammer: Whack-a-mole just got silly


Old King's Great Hammer: Another classic ON FIRE


Pickaxe: Minecraft cosplay


Dragon Tooth: Havel’s penis


Spiked Mace: Dynasty Warriors


Caestus: The ol' 1-2


Demon's Fist: Kyo Kusanagi


Dark Hand: Can't suck Humanity, might as well suck balls

Claw: *Wolverine joke*


Manikin Claws: Nobody has original designs, do they


Arstor's Spear: Vlad the Impaler


Drang Twinspears: How is this a practical setup


Gargoyle Flame Spear: GARGOYLE used FLAME CHARGE


Spear: The Poker


Winged Spear: The Better Poker



Tailbone Spear: The Fart Poker


Pike: The Long Poker

Four-Pronged Plow: Couple with torches to gank Shrek cosplayers


Saint Bident: Saint Bident of Charge


Rotten Ghru Spear: The Poop Poker


Partizan: Almost a Halberd


Yorshka's Spear: Anti-mage Poker


Dragonslayer Spear: Oh, there it is


Dragonslayer Swordspear: More Ornstein than Ornstein


Golden Ritual Spear: Pilgrim’s Spontoon hit by a car

Soldering Iron: BDSM Souls


Lothric Knight Long Spear: The Steady Poker


Greatlance: At least a horse is mentioned this time


Halberd: Scrub stick


Red Hilted Halberd: Scrub stick Classic Edition


Lucerne: Switzerland must exist apparently


Winged Knight Halberd: Spin to Win and Win and Win and Win and Win


Glaive: They still fucking got the name wrong


Crescent Axe: Pick a weapon class damnit


Gundyr's Halberd: You put your halberd in and you spin it all about


Black Knight Glaive: Finally named correctly


Immolation Tinder: Hard to get dates with this thing


Great Scythe: All Scythes are great


Pontiff Knight Great Scythe: Even the cold ones


Great Corvian Scythe: And the feathery ones


Whip: Softcore


Notched Whip: Hardcore


Witch's Locks: Hotcore


Spotted Whip: Spotcore

Short Bow: Why aren't you using a Composite Bow


Longbow: Why aren't you using the Black Bow of Pharis


Composite Bow: Original Crackshot

Dragonrider Bow: Why you're NOT using the Composite bow


Black Bow of Pharis: Robin Hood's wet dream



Darkmoon Longbow: Original Darkmoon Bow didn't go through puberty well


Onislayer Greatbow: Still gotta be Japanese-y


Dragonslayer Greatbow: I am the bone of my sword


Light Crossbow: Why aren't you using the Heavy Crossbow

Knight's Crossbow: Crossbow 2; Electric Boogaloo


Arbalest: Suspicious name change


Sniper Crossbow: Actually functional now


Avelyn: Enter The Matrix


Heavy Crossbow: Completionism Crossbow


Sorcerer's Staff: First Laser Stick


Heretic's Staff: Shunned Laser Stick


Witchtree Branch: Dusk’s Laser Stick


Sage's Crystal Staff: Diamonds aren’t forever


Izalith Staff: Still can’t cast fire spells


Court Sorcerer's Staff: Logan’s bent dong


Man-Grub's Staff: You feelin’ lucky punk


Storyteller's Staff: Attempted murder


Medicant's Staff: I NEED THE SHIELD DAMNIT


Archdeacon Great Staff: Holy Laser Stick


Pyromancy Flame: FALCON PUNCH


Talisman: Totally not toiler paper


Saint's Talisman: Holy toilet paper


Sunlight Talisman: Eat Lightning, Shit Thunder


Canvas Talisman: Eco Toilet Paper


White Hair Talisman: Toilet Paper after Mexican


Sunless Talisman: Luxury Toilet Paper


Cleric's Sacred Chime: The Lords be with you


Priest's Chime: And also with you


Crystal Chime: How does this not break all the time


Caitha's Chime: This bell is full of BEES


Saint-tree Bellvine: Even trees are goddamn saints


Yorshka's Chime: You monster

This is amazing. I approve

[sunbro-sparky]

Summary of Dark Souls 3 Weapons

Dagger: Why aren't you using a Bandit's Knife


Parrying Dagger: Never actually used as a weapon


Mail Breaker: Fuck your shields


Bandit's Knife: Quick, exploit the Bleed


Rotten Ghru Dagger: Poison for the lazy


Corvian Greatknife: THIS is a knife


Handmaid's Dagger: I will stab you no matter what


Scholar's Candlestick: Laser power-up


Tailbone Short Sword: Drake Sword Lite Edition


Brigand Twindaggers: Dragon's Dogma


Harpe: Not actually a musical instrument


Shortsword: Why aren't you using a Longsword


Longsword: Ol' Faithful


Broadsword: Who uses stab attacks anyway


Broken Straight Sword: 10 of these during early game


Astora Straight Sword: Losing my religion


Lothric Knight Sword: Let's get stabby


Barbed Straight Sword: Constantly getting caught on clothing probably


Dark Sword: Emo blade with added Meta


Cleric's Candlestick: Blue Flame's gross uncle


Irithyll Straight Sword: Chillrend


Anri's Straight Sword: Waifu sword


Sunlight Straight Sword: Praising just got easier


Morion Blade: Remember how Demon's Soul was a thing

Lothric's Holy Sword: HOLY SHIT LASERS


Gotthard Twinswords: Sith Lord Cosplay


Bastard Sword: Why aren't you using a Claymore


Claymore: Larger Faithful


Flameberge: Zweihander's gay little brother


Hollowslayer Greatsword: Dumbshit's guide to DS2


Black Knight Sword: Crossfit while fighting demons

Executioner's Greatword: Tarkus Concept Art


Wolf Knight's Greatword: Can you actually imagine a Wolf doing flips like this like holy shit


Wolnir's Holy Sword: Trypophobia Blade


Greatsword of Judgment: Moonlight Greatsword Lite Edition


Storm Ruler: HEY GUYS REMEMBER DEMON'S SOULS


Moonlight Greatsword: Raspberry Popsicle of Cameo Obligation


Twin Princes' Greatsword: Literally fire-ing mah lazar

Drakeblood Greatsword: Over ambitious longsword



Firelink Greatsword: Finally got one, finally disappointed

Zweihander: Baby's First UGS


Greatsword: Repairs complete


Astora Greatsword: CHAAAAAAAAAARGE


Farron Greatsword: Breakdancing Blade


Fume Ultra Greatsword: Hits like a truck, the size and weight of one too


Profaned Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk I


Cathedral Knight Greatsword: Gatsu stronk


Black Knight Greatsword: Original Golf Driver


Lorian's Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk II


Lothric Knight Greatsword: Bass Cannon knockoff



Scimitar: Why aren't you using a Falchion



Falchion: Oroboro's penis


Sellsword Twinblades: Russian weapons, Arabic implications

Shotel: Douchebag Blade

Crescent Moon Sword: Karkat Vantas firing lasers

Pontiff Knight Curved Sword: How do insects even eat metal like damn

Warden Twinblades: Obligatory bleed variant



Painting Guardian's Curved Sword: Sick spins


Dancer's Enchanted Swords: Rave Swords


Storm Curved Sword: Fart Scimatar


Carthus Curved Sword: If only it were the Kilij


Carthus Shotel: Karkat Vantas Skeleton Edition


Rotten Ghru Curved Sword: Poo Sword


Murakumo: Finally has a decent moveset


Exile Greatsword: Bandaid hilt


Old Wolf Curved Sword: No weapon class is safe from fan service


Carthus Curved Greatsword: Bleed Edition



Uchigatana: PvP Standard


Washing Pole: Sephiroth cosplay


Black Blade: Style points aren’t currency


Darkdrift: Why do Asian cultures love invisible swords so much


Onikiri and Ubadachi: Shonen Jump

Chaos Blade: Anti-magic pixel


Bloodlust: You can't hurt me if I hurt myself


Rapier: The grip is white now

Estoc: META META META META



Ricard's Rapier: How legendary can badly defending one stairway be


Crystal Sage's Rapier: Drop your shit goddamnit


Irithyll Rapier: Chillrend poke edition


Hand Axe: HERE'S JOHNNY

Battle Axe: Swing it differently this time



Brigand Axe: Is it superior? Who knows


Thrall Axe: Poison Swamp Trivialiser


Dragonslayer's Axe: Cockney man refuses to die


Butcher Knife: Forever the Fat Woman's specialty


Winged Knight Twinaxes: Twin Spin to Win


Eleonora: Pried from the hands of hands with hands


Man Serpent Hatchet: Karkat Vantas Snake Edition


Greataxe: Award for most unchanged weapon


Dragonslayer Greataxe: This isn’t a spear


Demon's Greataxe: Now ON FIRE


Great Machete: *sad Capra Demon noises*


Yhorm's Great Machete: You only use that notch when angry

Black Knight Greataxe: Jump for joy/death


Club: Literally a stick



Reinforced Club: Stick with nails

Mace: Why are these always associated with clerics


Morning Star: Absolutely Barbaric

Drang Hammers: Akin to interperative dance



Heysel Pick: More like pick a different weapon amirite


Warpick: MrIWont4Get's Favourite


Blacksmith Hammer: You're holding it backwards


Gargoyle Flame Hammer: Every Greathammer needs a flamethrower


Large Club: Not the Great Club

Great Club: Not the Large Club


Great Mace: Berenike classic


Vordt's Great Hammer: Fridge Hammer


Morne's Great Hammer: Grant 2.0


Great Wooden Hammer: Visions of Giant Blacksmith



Smough's Great Hammer: Whack-a-mole just got silly


Old King's Great Hammer: Another classic ON FIRE


Pickaxe: Minecraft cosplay


Dragon Tooth: Havel’s penis


Spiked Mace: Dynasty Warriors


Caestus: The ol' 1-2


Demon's Fist: Kyo Kusanagi


Dark Hand: Can't suck Humanity, might as well suck balls

Claw: *Wolverine joke*


Manikin Claws: Nobody has original designs, do they


Arstor's Spear: Vlad the Impaler


Drang Twinspears: How is this a practical setup


Gargoyle Flame Spear: GARGOYLE used FLAME CHARGE


Spear: The Poker


Winged Spear: The Better Poker



Tailbone Spear: The Fart Poker


Pike: The Long Poker

Four-Pronged Plow: Couple with torches to gank Shrek cosplayers


Saint Bident: Saint Bident of Charge


Rotten Ghru Spear: The Poop Poker


Partizan: Almost a Halberd


Yorshka's Spear: Anti-mage Poker


Dragonslayer Spear: Oh, there it is


Dragonslayer Swordspear: More Ornstein than Ornstein


Golden Ritual Spear: Pilgrim’s Spontoon hit by a car

Soldering Iron: BDSM Souls


Lothric Knight Long Spear: The Steady Poker


Greatlance: At least a horse is mentioned this time


Halberd: Scrub stick


Red Hilted Halberd: Scrub stick Classic Edition


Lucerne: Switzerland must exist apparently


Winged Knight Halberd: Spin to Win and Win and Win and Win and Win


Glaive: They still fucking got the name wrong


Crescent Axe: Pick a weapon class damnit


Gundyr's Halberd: You put your halberd in and you spin it all about


Black Knight Glaive: Finally named correctly


Immolation Tinder: Hard to get dates with this thing


Great Scythe: All Scythes are great


Pontiff Knight Great Scythe: Even the cold ones


Great Corvian Scythe: And the feathery ones


Whip: Softcore


Notched Whip: Hardcore


Witch's Locks: Hotcore


Spotted Whip: Spotcore

Short Bow: Why aren't you using a Composite Bow


Longbow: Why aren't you using the Black Bow of Pharis


Composite Bow: Original Crackshot

Dragonrider Bow: Why you're NOT using the Composite bow


Black Bow of Pharis: Robin Hood's wet dream



Darkmoon Longbow: Original Darkmoon Bow didn't go through puberty well


Onislayer Greatbow: Still gotta be Japanese-y


Dragonslayer Greatbow: I am the bone of my sword


Light Crossbow: Why aren't you using the Heavy Crossbow

Knight's Crossbow: Crossbow 2; Electric Boogaloo


Arbalest: Suspicious name change


Sniper Crossbow: Actually functional now


Avelyn: Enter The Matrix


Heavy Crossbow: Completionism Crossbow


Sorcerer's Staff: First Laser Stick


Heretic's Staff: Shunned Laser Stick


Witchtree Branch: Dusk’s Laser Stick


Sage's Crystal Staff: Diamonds aren’t forever


Izalith Staff: Still can’t cast fire spells


Court Sorcerer's Staff: Logan’s bent dong


Man-Grub's Staff: You feelin’ lucky punk


Storyteller's Staff: Attempted murder


Medicant's Staff: I NEED THE SHIELD DAMNIT


Archdeacon Great Staff: Holy Laser Stick


Pyromancy Flame: FALCON PUNCH


Talisman: Totally not toiler paper


Saint's Talisman: Holy toilet paper


Sunlight Talisman: Eat Lightning, Shit Thunder


Canvas Talisman: Eco Toilet Paper


White Hair Talisman: Toilet Paper after Mexican


Sunless Talisman: Luxury Toilet Paper


Cleric's Sacred Chime: The Lords be with you


Priest's Chime: And also with you


Crystal Chime: How does this not break all the time


Caitha's Chime: This bell is full of BEES


Saint-tree Bellvine: Even trees are goddamn saints


Yorshka's Chime: You monster