#lasagnawords

[owmylasagna-blog]

Ed is Thicker Than Mud

Warning: Character development arc may take a couple years to take full effect.

Some random musings on post-BPS Eddy growing pains.

You can also read it over on AO3.

Each mechanical tick of the outdated relic of a wall clock reverberating through the office makes his skin crawl. Wriggling uncomfortably, the naugahyde of the chair releases a series of unnatural whines of protest beneath the restless teen. Don’t they know precious moments of his youth are slipping away with every infuriatingly useless second spent shedding dead skin cells in this room? It doesn’t help that his jeans are still damp. He’s pretty sure his new sneakers are wrecked too.

If being detained wasn't bad enough, they’re probably on the phone with his mom right now, and he isn’t exactly looking forward to his folks tearing him a new one over tonight's chicken francaise. Just as he imagines the yelling match his mom and pop are gonna inevitably start the loose doorknob rattles behind him.

“Here we go,” Eddy grumbles into the collar of his long sleeve polo. He slumps down into the armchair.

The door groans on its hinges, open and then shut. Footsteps click in time as the middle aged man slowly makes his way around the office furniture and sits. All the while Eddy keeps his eyes planted on the linoleum tiles between the desk and his feet. He feigns disinterest as a manila folder and a few slips of paper are shuffled.

“So. Edward McGee…”

Eddy squints, not exactly appreciative of the pause for dramatic effect, nor the emphasis put on his last name.

“Would you care to explain why you're in my office, young man?”

“No.”

“No ‘you don’t care’? Or no ‘you can’t explain’?”

In response, Eddy crosses his arms and slouches even further into the depths of the worn leatherette, the heels of his sneakers squeaking as they skid forward. The principal sighs.

“The silent treatment won't get you very far-”

“You know what I did.”

Boy was this interrogation a bunch of bologna.

“Yes, I certainly do. I’m well aware of the damage to school property you’ve caused, not to mention the cost required to repair it. What I want to know is why.”

“Principal Howard, I didn’t-”

“We’ve already heard your excuses. This is your last chance to plead your case as to why you felt it necessary to tamper with-”

“I didn’t tamper nothin’!”

Eddy shoots to his feet, looking the principal in the face for the first time. His heart thrashes against his ribcage.

“I find that hard to believe.”

Yep. Totally pointless.

The teen and the man exchange steely glares before the elder shifts his gaze behind the younger.

“Please sit, Edward.”

Rolling his eyes, Eddy parks his keister back down, resuming his previous slouch. He watches as Principal Howard leafs through the papers on his desk. Most are a familiar shade of detention slip blue, some more faded than others. It’s a suspiciously sizable stack considering he’s only been in high school for three months. Sure, his track record hasn’t been… great. He’s never been the morning type. Missing homeroom three out of five days in a week will do that. As does skipping out on a detention here and there. Compared to junior high, though, Eddy considers himself a freakin’ angel so far. Barring today of course… just his luck.

But the slips have Eddy curious enough to raise a brow at, sitting up a bit straighter in an attempt to sneak a peek. He’s caught off guard when the name written on the top edge isn’t his own. Well, not entirely. Eddy’s muscles flex with immediate recognition, flashing a fierce look up to find the intent gaze of the older man peering down his sizable nose through his glasses.

No ‘effin way.

“You remind me of your brother.”

Eddy sputters, feeling the air rush out of his lungs. It makes it hard to speak. His brain fills with static. It makes it hard to think.

“Wha- you- you can’t-”

How’s he allowed to say that?

“Before I became principal I taught at this school for many years. Don’t think I could forget a kid like that so easily. Bright, creative, one might say underchallenged, but misguided, difficult, trouble prone. Unfortunate really. I didn’t have much control of the situation then nor the authority. But things have changed, except for the fact that I’m tasked with ensuring another McGee boy doesn’t slip through the cracks.”

“Cool headed” is an accolade foreign to Eddy. It takes every fiber of his being to bite his tongue, stopping himself from spewing expletives that will land him right back in the hot seat for the umpteenth time. More than anything he holds back to prove that he isn’t anything at all like…

“Which is why I’m requiring that you join an extracurricular student activity effective immediately.”

“WHAT!? WHY?!” Eddy finally blows his top. It’s a relief to scream.

“You need discipline, structure, responsibility, teamwork - whatever it takes to preoccupy your idle hours.”

“Believe me, Teach, the mathletes don’t need me screwin’ up their squared roots or whatever.”

“Then choose something else that interests you. D’you like sports?”

Eddy shrugs. Lately, nothing really interests him. Let alone anything school related. Not even marathons of The Ed Sullivan Show or wearing out the grooves in A-tom-ic Jones can seem to pull him out of this slump. And he sure wasn’t jumping at the opportunity to get towel-whipped by the meatheads, that's for sure. The thought of the foot smell that wafts from the locker room like a thick miasma alone makes him shudder.

Eighth grade graduation, the start of high school, and the abysmal summer between them had been a strange fog. Beyond his two best friends, Eddy avoided the other cul-de-sac kids like a plague. Oh yeah, this was cruel ironing as Double Dee put it. All that time vying to get their attention? Ever since they got front row seats to his bro’s assholery on full display, they’d been acting real nice. Too nice.

The remainder of seventh grade, after the groundings ended, was filled with an unprecedented number of invitations to movie nights, birthday parties, and sleepovers. Even though he’d sworn off the scams it somehow felt like he still needed to perform every time he made an appearance. Suddenly, everybody wanted to get to know him more. And that scared Eddy: what if there wasn’t more? He felt he hardly knew himself these days.

“You have until the end of the week to decide, so start asking around. And when you do find a team or club, I will personally speak to the coach or teacher running it to ensure that you are immediately enrolled and actively participating. Do you understand?”

The principal receives a noncommittal grunt as a response. He’s more stern the second time.

“Do you understand, Edward?”

Eddy finally gives a reluctant reply, hoping that this is the end of the conversation and he’ll be off the hook.

“Yeah. Capeech.”

“Good. Because this sort rebellious behavior will not be to-”

“And it’s Eddy.”

The balding man blinks a few times, brows twitching.

“Well, Eddy, another stunt like today and I bring your parents in. Capeech?”

Having his own phrasing thrown back at him makes Eddy feel even more patronized than he already is. Which is saying something, considering this whole freakin’ ordeal feels like it was designed by the universe or some malevolent god to humiliate him to no end.

“Yeah…”

Double doors fly open when the compact teen barrels through. He’s moving fast, on a mission, so focused on getting as much distance between himself and this stupid school that he hardly notices the two figures sitting side by side on the stone stairs anxiously awaiting his release. The leaner of the two jumps to his feet, calling out through the bothersome crack his voice has acquired thanks to puberty.

“Eddy!”

He whips around, jabbing a finger square between Double Dee’s eyes. The taller boy flinches back at the accusatory appendage.

“I aint talkin’ to you, snitch! Let’s go, Ed.”

The eldest of the bunch complies to the command, joining Eddy by his side. Edd huffs, shaking his fists, and with an indignant stomp of his sneakered foot is hot on the trail of his two friends. Seeing as there is a nasty storm cloud over Eddy’s head Ed opts to not ask too many questions. Instead he shares the exciting news:

“Double Dee and me saw two squirrels fighting over a nut while you were gone.”

“Sad story,” replies Eddy, inflection flat as a sheet of paper.

Meanwhile, the speed walking boy approaching from the rear isn’t so quick to change the subject.

“Come now! You can’t seriously think my intention was to smear your academic reputation!”

Eddy keeps stomping the pavement, hands shoved deep into his jacket pockets, and rolls his eyes in disbelief. The balls on this guy…

“Eddy, please,” Edd pleads, finally gaining, “The entire first floor was flooded. Given my proximity I responded in a manner that anyone in their right mind would. Honestly, are you suggesting I had a plethora of options?”

“Bull! Ya coulda kept your big. Mouth. Shut.” Eddy snarls through gritted teeth, shoulders tensing up to his ears.

“And be a complicit bystander? I think not,” replies Edd with a pout.

“Why do you make it out like I wanted that to happen!?” Eddy spits back, keeping his sights focused on the cracked cement.

“Who says I’m blaming you? It’s causality. You flushed an entire cafeteria tray and its contents down the toilet.”

“Ain’t my fault the lunch sucked mega balls! And why’s the school got plumbing from the Dark Ages? You saw that casserole.” He throws up two skeptical air quotes, “Would have been better off eatin’ rubber cement.”

“I think I saw it move,” Ed adds excitedly, grinning ear to ear.

Ed had eaten his serving of casserole with much relish, though, not before dunking it into his trusty thermos o’ gravy. It’s too bad that Eddy turned down the offer. The mental image of the subpar cafeteria slop alone makes both Edd and Eddy’s stomachs churn, let alone the gusto with which Ed manages to devour it.

“Yes. Well. I must say I was glad to have packed a garbanzo salad sandwich today based on the looks of things,” the teen in the beanie admits, punctuated with a nervous chuckle.

Eddy can’t help but look his friend in the face despite the stubborn front he’s working so hard to put up. Edd’s got a small smile but otherwise he looks ill at the recollection of the foul lunch offerings, his tongue peeking out through the gap as it presses against the back of his teeth. The husky boy cracks his own smile and stifles snort at his pal’s pathetic expression.

“Food so bad, even the crapper couldn’t stomach it,” Eddy throws in just for a kick.

It works - at least he and Ed chuckle over that and Edd shakes his head incredulously - burning off some of the uncomfortable tension that has been growing since the afternoon. The trio continue walking a few yards in the direction of home, lulling their arguing for just a moment to the sound of gravely footsteps, rustling leaves, and the jingle of Eddy’s wallet chain thumping against his thigh.

Sidewalks aren’t exactly wide enough to walk together in a line so it's unavoidable that every now and then, if they don’t split off into a triangle formation, that they bump shoulders. Eddy feels his shoulder nudge into Double Dee’s arm, then awkwardly clears his throat and sniffles against the chill fall air.

“I thought you weren’t talking to me,” heckles Double Dee with a pretentious sideways smirk.

Before he knows it, Eddy feels the back of his neck burning. For that alone he gives the wiry and historically uncoordinated teen a solid shove, causing him to stumble over his own two feet and step squarely into a soggy pile of street gutter leaves. The feeling of cold damp permeating through his shoe upper and soaking into his sock makes the boy yelp and shudder in disgust, a shiver running up his spine.

“Wet!” Edd wails. He shakes his sodden sneaker like a cat that's stepped in water and skips to catch up.

Of course Eddy laughs at Edd’s theatrics, very openly, which just sets Ed off to join him. Reveling in his buddy’s harmless misfortune, Ed throws an arm over Eddy’s shoulder which the shorter teen roughly shrugs off.

“Very good. I’ve received my comeuppance.” Edd sighs, wincing as his sock squelches with every other step.

A few tsks of disapproval are made by Ed seemingly out of the blue. Edd and Eddy are surprised to see their happy-go-lucky Lump looking uncharacteristically forlorn.

“How sad it must be to be a squirrel without a nut. What cruel, hostile world we must live in where there are not enough nuts to go around.” Ed punctuates the thought with a heavy sigh.

“I’m lookin’ at a nut right now.”

“Oh yeah?” Ed perks up, head whipping violently in search of it as though he can rectify the injustice he’d witnessed.

“Yeah, TWO of ‘em!“

Just as he says it, Eddy’s fist finds its way to the tall redhead’s vulnerable groin with an empty punch.

“DOH!”

Edd puts a bit of space between himself and Eddy.

“Fear not, Ed. Every squirrel has their day.”

“Good for them,” Eddy growls, his earlier gloating soured by envying, of all things, a fuzzy rat.

Seeing as his vapid positivity hasn’t exactly resonated with Eddy, Edd decides to take a more direct approach.

“So, what punishment has befallen you? Another detention.”

Eddy’s brows drop down over his eyes with a snarl. He sees a pebble a few steps ahead and when he reaches it gives it a good solid kick. It skitters wildly into the street.

“No.”

“Suspension.”

“No.”

“Disintegration?” Ed chimes in.

“I wish.”

“You’d make a fine puddle, you would.”

“Thanks, Ed,” Eddy rolls his eyes, shoving his chin down into the collar of his jacket.

He nearly jumps at the shriek-like sound of Edd’s gasp. It looks as though he’s doing a decent impression of that weird painting of the screaming guy.

“Good lord, please don’t tell me you’ve been… expelled!?” Edd can hardly say the word.

“No! Worse! I gotta join some bogus extracaricature.”

Double Dee’s hand flies, grabbing Eddy’s bicep. The sudden physical contact makes Eddy reflexively flinch.

“What a relief! You had me worried for a second.” An offended look on Eddy’s face does worry Edd and he realizes it’s because of the grasp he has on his arm. He swiftly releases it, putting his hand in his jacket pocket.

“Ah- A generously lenient outcome considering the extent of property damage. Participation in a peer activity? Hmm… Why, you could always join me on the junior debate team. What you lack in research skills you certainly make up for with your argumentative temperament.”

“Kill me already.”

Eddy sags under the weight of such a nerdy proposition.

“Oh, it wouldn’t be so bad.”

Craning his neck, Ed peers down curiously.

“Join me! We could always use a uh-” Ed pauses, counting on his fingers, “a third member on the team. You could even go by Mr. AV-Eddy.”

With a rough tug, Ed’s head snaps down to match his short-statured friend’s eye level, Eddy’s fist full of the pilling and frayed green jacket collar.

“Call me that at school and I’ll shove an 8 millimeter where the sun don’t shine.”

“Norway?”

“NO way. Don’t even try it.” Eddy threatens before letting go of Ed.

“You got it, Mr. Cool Guy I’d Never Ever Call AV-Eddy, uh, sir!”

To show his deference, Ed removes his monobrow and swears it over his heart.

They keep walking. It’s about a half hour trudge back to the cul-de-sac, but it sure beats the torment of the public school buses. Bottom of the food chain means getting the crappiest seats, or worse even, becoming completely separated. Much better to brave the biting wind for now: Eddy’s ears and nose are already ruddy. Come winter they might reassess.

It’s hard not to think he might be cursed: born with the dark mark. Maybe somewhere down his family line there was some cardinal sin committed that’s the root to all this. If he has to place bets it was probably those damn pilgrims that sold Peach Creek to the Kankers, the lot of inbred nitwits. Eddy sorta gets why his brother is the way he is. He knows deep down his parents treated him different from the jump. That he’s had it better, at least in some ways. Despite his bad luck he’s technically the lucky one. But there is still so much he doesn’t know. Stuff that when he brings it up mom just starts blubbering. He won’t even bring it up with dad. So teachers thought he was smart?

Over the last year, Double Dee has fretted over Eddy’s drawn out silences. Just like the one now. He can’t help but read far too deeply into whatever might preoccupy Eddy’s mind so much to leave him speechless. A more contemplative and reflective streak could be good for Eddy. Except Double Dee knows from personal experience how quickly things can go south inside the echo chamber of one’s own thoughts. He chews his lip as the worry gnaws away at him.

“Eddy? Was there… anything else you wanted to talk about?”

Eddy sniffs his running nose again, scowling. He shrugs.

“S’nothing. Everyone at this school’s got it out for me.”

The feeling of a gentle hand between his shoulder blades makes the back of his eyes burn. Dammit. He blinks hard, sniffing even harder.

“Not everyone.” Double Dee earnestly assures. Ed wraps another arm around him in a lax half hug and this time Eddy doesn’t shrug him off. Instead, he leans in.

“Okay, okay. Fine. Almost everyone.”

And that’s good enough for him.

[owmylasagna-blog]

InkED

Eddy gets a tattoo.

I imagine this takes place in their senior year of high school.

“What fresh hell are you two up to?”

The lanky teen in the beanie stood in the doorway of his best friend and boyfriend’s bedroom to find him lying face down on the floor, ass bare, with their other best friend hovering a hand at the ready with a needle. A small jar of black India ink sat open on the carpet.

“Oh hiya Double Dee,” Ed smiled innocently.

“This most certainly doesn’t look like your history presentation.”

“Very perceptive, babe. What does it look like?” Eddy sarcastically taunted as he got up on his elbows and dramatically batted his eyelashes.

“Don’t get funny with me, mister,” huffed Edd as he dropped his book bag on the floor, “and it looks like a mistake waiting to happen.”

Beside their slapdash tattooing setup was smoking paraphernalia, evidently already put to use from the acrid smell that clung to the air in spite of a paper-towel sploof thrown in the mix.

“Actually it’s a hot cherry.”

“Pardon?” Edd barked in response to Ed not so politely.

“Spicy on the outside sweet on the inside,” Ed clarified as he raised a crumbled page of sketch pad with a simple line drawing of a pair of cherries set ablaze. Edd’s eyes shifted from the page to Eddy’s buttocks where the image had been transferred with red marker. It appeared that he arrived in the knick of time: no punctures or pricks had been made yet.

“Stop reading into it so much, Lumpy. I picked it ‘cause it’s sexy.”

Every nerve in Edd’s body was still screaming as his vision bounced from the open ink jar sitting precariously on the exposed carpet, Ed’s bare hands smudged with drawing media, Eddy’s exposed buttocks, two open bags of chips and a half eaten jar of room-temperature queso, the subpar lighting…

No. This wasn’t happening, not like this. Edd took a few steps back towards the door.

“Stay! Don’t you - either of you - move a single muscle until I get back. You hear me?”

The seriousness of Edd’s tone seemed to sober up his friends just enough for Ed to complacently nod in agreement.

“Whereya goin’?” Eddy wined, turning onto his side.

“Five minutes, Eddy. Can you do that?” Edd pleaded through a clenched jaw. Eddy just blinked slowly as he tried to make sense of Edd’s behavior. He was at a loss.

“Sure. Whatever.”

And he was out the back door, zipping past the window in a flash as he broke into a run through Eddy’s yard. As Eddy and Ed waited for Double Dee to return, Eddy drew figure eights in the carpet with his finger and Ed watched mesmerized.

“Ya think Double Dee would wanna see the Sheldon and Sheldon Jr. tattoos I put on my foot?”

“Based on that response, I think you’d give him a coronary.”

“Like royalty?”

“Yeah, and you’re the jester.”

The two were startled when the door clicked and swung open. Standing in it was Double Dee, his hot breath condensing from the cold air, with a doctor bag grasped in his right hand. Closing the door, kicking his shoes off, Edd trudged over to his friends and got down on his knees. Opening the bag he produced a box of nitrile gloves, single use packets of antiseptic wipes, ointments, bandages, sanitary towels, a headlamp, and a rectangular enamel tray.

He layed a sheet of bench liner that came from his long forgotten “Dissection for Gifted Children” kit down on the carpet, placed the tray on it, and then arranged the ink bottle, unopened needle packets, and some of his own supplies inside in perfectly pristine order. As he worked, he silently huffed, hummed, and sighed. When he finally spoke, it came as a firm command.

“Wash your hands, Ed. With soap and hot water, please.”

Not wasting time, fully at attention, Ed hurried to Eddy’s bathroom.

“Ah I see. So you’re not gonna stop me.”

“Please, Eddy, I know you. If you want to do something there is no stopping you. I don’t care about the tattoo, I’m worried about you getting an infection. Now turn over onto your stomach.”

“Yes, sir,” Eddy replied eagerly, sort of liking Edd’s domineering tone, and did as he was told. He hadn’t bothered to pull his pants back over his left cheek anyway. As Eddy talked, Edd yanked at the waistband of his shorts, “Jeez, if you wanted me out of my pants so bad you could just a- AAH COLD!”

“Stop wiggling,” Edd grinned despite himself after swiping the alcohol wipe against his boyfriend’s ass cheek.

“Stop icing me!”

“You’re good,” a hand playfully smacked down on Eddy’s backside and both teens chuckled.

“You're better,” Eddy smirked at Double Dee. Through his semi-stoned heavy eyelids, Eddy gave him a look that Edd could recognize as genuine admiration. Edd’s body filled with warmth as he smiled back.

“I’m the best.”

He leaned in and caught Eddy’s lips in a kiss. Ed opened the door to the bathroom and chuckled.

“Ew. Cooties.”

“Here, Ed. Quick! Put these gloves on. We wouldn’t want you catching any of the highly infectious Cootie virus.”

“Glove me, Doc!”

Once the gloves were snapped onto his hands, the headlamp put on his head and turned on, Edd continued to instruct the next steps in the procedure. With a new, completely sanitized needle prepared it was time to start putting ink to skin.

Edd first felt the tickle of Eddy’s fingertips skim his arms, wrist, and then go to envelope his hand. He happily took the larger and somewhat rougher hand with its tiny scars into his own and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Eddy squeezed back even harder as Ed jabbed the first few pokes into his posterior.

“Now, Eddy, can you summarize for me the landmark Supreme Court decisions of the 20th century?”

[owmylasagna-blog]

The Ed Must Go On

Eddy prepares for a last minute gig. Edd helps.

—

A familiar clatter punctuated by loud profanities compelled Edd to emerge into the living room. Much to his dismay the place had been turned upside down, drawers open, piles of paraphernalia strewn on surfaces and the floor. Edd could feel the incensed energy radiating from his partner.

Eddy riffled through one of the shallow top drawers of the break front. He stifled a yell and threw a pack of AA batteries back inside, the sound making Edd flinch.

“Where are the goddamn scissors?”

Edd sighed: if only Eddy would let him label the drawers with their contents, maybe these sort of headaches would be avoided. The vintage veneers had won that battle: a triumph of form over function.

Scanning the room in an effort to help Eddy in his search, the taller man’s eyes fell on the kitchen shears precariously teetering on the edge of the record player stand. Eddy had grabbed them and on second thought cast them aside as a last resort: he knew Double Dee detested mixing up the scissors from their intended use.

Edd took the shears, clasping them in both hands to his chest, and joined Eddy’s side. The angered man slammed the drawer shut, the hardware clacking from the momentum, before tearing into the one adjacent to it and pulling out fistfuls of user manuals and take-out menus.

No more than a foot away the shimmer of stainless steel blades peaked out from beneath their most recent mail. In his periphery Eddy registered movement, then witnessed his partner produce the elusive utility scissors from right under his nose. Edd calmly presented them to Eddy and it took everything in the shorter man not to erupt in a fit.

“I hate when you do that,” grumbled Eddy, a poor stand-in for the truth which was that he hated his utter lack of object constancy.

Snagging the scissors and stomping his way to the coffee table Eddy planted himself on the floor and started turning the garment laying on their shag rug inside-out. Edd returned the kitchen shears to the knife block, the floorboards of their pre-war apartment creaked as he tentatively crossed the living room. He peered over Eddy’s hunched shoulders.

“A dress?” Edd questioned. A long groan escaped Eddy while he hacked away at the armhole.

“Sandra Oh-No-She-Didn’t’s out on her honeymoon, Mother Mayhem rolled her ankle and Patty Melt got the effin’ flu so your brilliant boyfriend here volunteered to host drag trivia tonight.”

Double Dee knelt down beside said brilliant boyfriend, watching as he successfully extricated one sleeve and began cutting away at the other.

“Couldn’t you wear something you already have in the closet?” Edd suggested. There certainly was plenty to choose from. He couldn’t see why Eddy was adding more stress to the situation.

“Yeah, if I wanted to look like an overstuffed sausage,” Eddy griped, then snipped the sleeve clean off.

It had been almost a year since the last time he’d dolled up and in that time he’d put on a bit more weight. He’d thrifted this old frock at the last second just for the job but the sleeves had been so constricting he feared losing feeling in his arms half way through the evening. They had to go. Hit with a pang of guilt, Edd awkwardly fidgeted with the side seam of his house pants.

Eddy threw the scissors aside and lifted the dress up.

“Well, that looks like shit,” he grimaced at the jaggedly frayed arm holes. He dropped the garment in disgust and shoved the heels of his palms into his eye sockets, growling in frustration. “Fuck me.” Double Dee reached out a sympathetic hand and caressed Eddy’s thigh.

“Oh, don’t despair, my love. Let me find the sewing machine.”

He patted Eddy’s knee before getting up from the floor and scurrying to the hall closet. Once the machine was set up on the dining table, Edd instructed his partner to put the dress on inside-out. Eddy stripped down to his boxer briefs and shimmied into it.

Eddy wiggled impatiently as Edd painstakingly pinned the fabric in place.

“Would you stay still!” Edd reprimanded through clasped lips, where he was holding a few sewing pins.

“These sequins are drivin’ me nuts, babe.”

“Just… a few… more… and done. Mind the pins as you remove that. Actually, let me help you.”

As Edd unzipped the back and guided the sleeves over Eddy’s shoulders, he couldn’t resist trailing a few kisses along the nape of his lover’s neck. This area was Eddy’s weak spot. His eyes rolled back and he smiled.

“Mmm,” he hummed, delighted, “now that’s what I call customer service.”

“This would be highly unprofessional.”

Eddy’s shaved hairline tickled Edd’s nose as he inhaled deeply.

“I should report you, ya perv.”

The dress dropped around Eddy’s feet and Edd’s arms wrapped around his naked torso. He planted a few more kisses from the crown of Eddy’s head to the stubble of his left cheek. The affection released some of Eddy’s wound-up tension. They kissed on the mouth before Edd gave a squeeze and asked, “Would you like me to come tonight?”

“Oh I bet you would.”

Edd simply glared back. Eddy sighed before trivializing the question with another quip, “What, you like me or somethin’?”

“Eddy…”

“You know it’s gonna go past your bedtime-”

Edd frowned. “I’ve managed well enough before on less sleep.”

“And it ain’t like you’ve got a team.”

“Some of my coworkers could be enticed.” There was a pause. Edd caressed the hairs on Eddy’s arms.

“Yeah?” Eddy responded in a softer, curious tone. His mouth curled into a goofy smile. It wasn’t every day that Double Dee made last minute plans.

“Yeah.”

Eddy turned to face his adorable partner when he got a foot-full of sewing pins.

“YEOWCH!”

Eddy jumped into the air and into Double Dee’s arms. The lankier man staggered under the weight, sputtering high pitched whines from the exertion, until they both collapsed on the couch in a heap.

After getting a bit… distracted… on the couch, Edd inspected the parts of his sewing machine. He dropped the foot and slowly applied pressure to the pedal as he fed in the fabric.

“Now, see, Eddy, I needed to secure the lining to the outer fabric like this to get a tidy seam.”

“Mhmm.”

The absent tone of that utterance made Edd pause and look up from his work. He raised a brow at Eddy, who was rapidly tapping away a message on his phone. Double Dee cleared his throat and the other man looked up.

“Wha-”

“You know, it wouldn’t hurt for you to become acquainted with some basic sewing techniques. Then you wouldn’t need me for every minor alteration.”

“But it’s better when you do it,” Eddy winked.

“You can lead a horse to water…”

“Aah I’m messin’ with ya,” Eddy replied, waving a hand limply on his wrist before clasping both hands together with a clap, “So which side is facing what again?”

Edd smirked as he detailed the construction of the seam, Eddy intently listening. It was refreshing to know the version of Eddy that had outgrown the exploitative labor practices of his youth, more often than not opting to learn new skills and pitch in his handiness when needed. The first armhole completed, Eddy nudged Edd’s elbow.

“Do I get a crack at it?”

“Absolutely.”

Eddy took over Edd’s seat and slowly started the machine up.

“So I was thinkin’ I’d wear the black wig, but the red wouldn’t look half bad either.”

“I like the black more,” Edd said, crossing his legs.

“Then it’s settled. Blonde.”

“Why even bother asking my opinion then,” Edd tilted his chin up smugly.

“Sometimes you don’t know what you want till someone suggests somethin’ you don’t want.”

“Hmm,” Edd absently hummed in reply, watching Eddy’s hands closely, “sorry, do you mind if I- “ he motioned to the machine.

“Here we go,” Eddy raised his hands like it was a stick-up.

“What's that supposed to mean?” Edd prickled. He scooted his chair closer to Eddy and repositioned the fabric. Eddy just leaned back, crossing his arms.

“You know. It’s your way or the highway.”

“Well I can’t help that you were pulling the fabric too taut. Your seam is going to be cockled.”

“Maybe I like my seams cockled.”

“Eddy, please. Can you- “ Edd stopped himself with a huff. Eddy had to sympathize just a little: the poor guy was tortured by the mundane on the daily. The shorter of the two men stood from the table.

“You finish that and I’ll put on espresso.”

Double Dee considered this an agreeable arrangement.

“Thank you, dear.”

With the seam ripper he went to town undoing Eddy’s stitches. Eddy just snorted, refastened the straps on his robe, and headed to the kitchen where a good house floozy belonged.

[owmylasagna-blog]

Forgot to tag this last time I posted, but worth making another post with the addition of ch 2

I’ve been working on a really long, arduous fic titled “Like Me Still” which centers around the Ed’s as adults going on an adventurous vacation together while grappling with life as 25-26 year olds.

Eddy feels stuck, keen for change in his life but not sure what direction to take. Edd is slated to achieve all his academic and professional goals but at what cost? (I like drama so…) Eddy and Edd are exes that have remained friends but there is a lot that is unresolved from their relationship. Ed on the other hand is about to reach a major milestone in his life which he doesn’t want to mess up.

Each of them is looking for answers. Collectively they hope the trip will help bring them closer together as life seems set on pulling them further apart.

The story is on the more serious and mature side because I’m old and it just felt right at this stage in my life lol! Let’s just say that the Eds all got therapy… Hope you will read it and enjoy!

[owmylasagna-blog]

Huffing Ed

I've deduced that the only incentive to finish this is to post the first part to tumblr. A little more obligated to finish if people read it, y'know?

Short description: The summer is winding down for the Ed's following their wild adventure to Mondo A Go-Go, but not without one last Ed-scapade. Mix in an experimental mind-altering substance and the cul-de-sac falls prey to calamity.  

ENJOY!

PART 1

“Higher, monobrow! We’re advertisin’ to people, not a buncha ants. The big-guy upstairs didn’t make ya tall fer nothin’.”

“But Eddy, my mom hates the attic because she says it is too dusty.”

“Less talk and more hangin’!”

Ed tottered back and forth, balancing on a chair with a wooden sign that read ‘Forchin Teller 25 ¢’ held over his head. He attempted to straighten out the sign to nail it down, now a bit higher just as Boss Eddy had commanded. As the last nail was sloppily bashed into the wood, a delighted and soprano voice took the two Eds by surprise.

“Good day, fellows! What a gallactically grand day, indeed.”

“Hide the scam from Double D, Lumpy. Destroy the scam!” Ed frantically yelled, then belly-flopped from the top of the chair, completely leveling the wooden stand that he had just completed. Eddy on the other hand broke into a nervous sweat, swiftly removing the bath-towel turban from his head and hiding it behind his back. Somewhat disappointed in his comrades’ behavior, Edd crossed his arms and tapped his foot.  

“I appear to be interrupting something, Eddy”

Nerves took the better of him and Eddy failed to suppress his laughter, the type he’d catch himself uttering whenever he tried lying to his mother. Man, did he hate that sometimes. But just like his mother, Eddy knew better than to lie to Edd; his red fingerprints were all over this failed attempt at an ‘enterprise’.

“So I’m still low on cash! When aren’t I? Just ‘cause we’re all pals in the cul-de-sac doesn’t mean I have t’ cut my funds.” His attempts at reasoning fell short as an excuse. Edd rolled his eyes.

“Your ‘funds’ are beside the point. You fail to recognize that our peers are our “friends”, no longer exploits for monetary gain.” Edd paused to give Eddy a scrutinizing glare, producing from Eddy a sound similar to a whimpering dog. With that guilt-trip complete, Edd’s demeanor quickly resumed to that of before; a wide smile took shape on his face and he gleefully clasped his hands together.

“Returning to my sordidly interrupted introduction, I have exceptionally thrilling news!”

“Is it bath day already?”  Ed popped out from the rubbage, covered in scratches, splinters, and bruises but none-the-less effected by their affliction.

“No, Ed. I shall provide you with some assistance; it as an astronomical event that will occur this very night!” Edd’s voice rose with excitement.  

“Oh! Oh! I know!” excitedly, Ed jumped on his tip-toes. “Is it an invasion of the five-eyed race of Cyborg Amazonians from Jupiter, to extract the poisonous vital organs of Earthly amphibians to lace their arrowheads for battle?”

There was a slight missed beat, filled with Eddy silently muttering.

“Oh, brother…”

Eddward, on the other hand, continued patiently with his dim-witted yet very imaginative friend.

“Slightly less fictitious, Ed. Think of commonly occurring cosmological events.”

Ed sat down on the pile of wood in the posture of a proper Thinking Man, tongue exposed from one side of his mouth. A moment of silence passed, filled only with the sound of chirping birds and sprinklers attempting to salvage the dehydrated August grass. It didn’t take long for the most outspoken of the Eds to interrupt the moment.

“I hate quiet!”

“Though I would not go so far as to detest a sparse moment of tranquility, indeed, let’s not waste any more lines of text describing the silence, shall we? The phenomenon of which I speak is a meteor shower – a fantastic display of the heavens!”

“Meteors! Take cover! Hide your children and chickens!” Ed could hardly contain his excitement as he began to act out frightened and panicked townspeople. He wove in between Eddy and Edd, the former unamused and the latter elated and giggling with the news he had transmitted to his friends.

“No human had yet to witness such devastation as each space rock engulfed in flame collides and disfigures the round surface of our dearly beloved home planet. BOOM! CRAH! BAM!” At this point, Ed had snaked his way over to Eddy and, using his fists to represent the meteors making impact, he utilized Eddy’s belly as stand-in for the earth. With each soft blow to Eddy’s stomach, and with each exaggerated sound effect, Eddy’s anger piqued until it reached the end of the threshold; Eddy pounced onto Ed.

“I’ll show ya disfigurin’!” And with that, Eddy smacked Ed a few times only to elicit laughter. Edd interrupted the exchange.

“And there is one essential component that I am sure will entice the both you, as it is rather dishonest and unwholesome.”

Eddy redirected his attention from Ed to Edd. While remaining grounded by planting his feet firmly into Ed’s chest and grasping in one hand the green jacket’s collar, Eddy swiftly reeled in his gap-toothed friend by his signature hat.

“Dishonest!?” he inquired excitedly.

“Upholstery?” Ed questioned.

“To my chagrin, yes; deceptive in the worst and exhilarating way!” Edd, a bit embarrassed by his excitement, blushed. Clearing his throat, and then checking his surroundings for eavesdroppers, he continued.  

“As you are fully aware, mother and father have kept me on a short leash – understandable as it may be after running away from home. It is against current policy in their household to break curfew, and especially to wander outside the cul-de-sac limits beyond dusk. But to fully appreciate the splendor of the comet shower, I’ve calculated the optimal time and location for viewing; this requires we abscond the light-polluted confines of the cul-de-sac. Thus I’ve devised a disingenuous plan which should allow for an innocuous and misleading escape!”

Though it made him feel slightly guilty, Edd couldn’t suppress the giddy feeling of breaking the rules set by his parents. Rebellion was something foreign to the well-mannered, obedient Eddward. At least, not until his unwavering compliance for his parents began to falter, prompted more and more by their absence. So the prospect of breaking curfew and creating a secretive scheme to spend a worth-while night with his two closest friends had a rather large appeal, while also making him a little sick to his stomach. Edd knew he certainly wasn’t completely lost to the void of reckless teenage disobedience. No, not completely.

But if Edd was excited about a bit of mischief and misconduct, one can only imagine the reaction elicited by his fellow companions at the news. Eddy, beaming with a beyond-ear-to-ear smile, grabbed Edd and smashed their faces together.

“You? Lyin’!? Count me in!”

Ed, who still had Eddy’s feet planted onto his chest, took the opportunity of Edd’s proximity and swept him up into his arms. He firmly squeezed the two bodies in a vice grip as he spun and cheered in excitement.

“Double D is breaking rules! We’re going to break rules ‘cause Double D said so!”

“Ed. Eddy. Hush now! Ack!” Another squeeze impacting his body against Eddy’s drew the breath from Edd’s lungs just as he attempted to keep their secret from being spilled to any perked ears in the cul-de-sac. Ed continued the embrace, nuzzling his head into Eddy who was becoming redder by the second. He attempted to claw his way out from between Ed and Edd.

“Alright, enough o’ that mushy-gushy stuff. Get. Me. Out!” And with that, Eddy popped out and landed unceremoniously on his squared face.

“Eddy dear. Are you alright?”

“Dear!?”

“Did I honestly say that aloud?”

“Dear as dear as clear as clear, Double D.” Ed winked.

“Please release me, Ed.”

Edd blushed slightly from his verbal blunder, but none-the-less offered Eddy a hand. Eddy refused it, the blush of his own cheeks lessening as he lifted himself.

“Thanks, Ed. You almost dislocaled my rotisserie cuff. So, Sockhead! Cough over those plans, will ya.”

Edd attempted to compose himself, as his laughter prompted by Eddy’s ‘rotisserie cuff’ statement was extremely hard to suppress. After sputtering to a stop, he apologized and replied.

“I’ve brought with me a list of items that will be required for our venture. Many of these will need to be acquired with your assistance; the others belong to me and have been prepared in advance. In the meantime, let us collect the remaining paraphernalia before I further delve into technicalities and chronology. Shall we?”

The three Ed’s we off, first to Eddy’s house as his garage and attic had a plethora of varied items that were required for Edd’s plans. Together they picked out a camping tent, a boom-box, some old tapes, a variety of balls and tools, and a lantern. Next stop – the junkyard; there Edd chose a few mechanically bits a pieces. The makings of an incredible night were piecing together slowly by every miscellaneous item. What could not have been anticipated was the insanity that would ensue once the sun set. Not even Edd’s meticulous planning and cautious preparation could prevent it. 

[owmylasagna-blog]

Hold Your Ed Up High

A drabble of sorts written in response to the lovely specktoons’ drawing When You Stub Your Toe And It Hurts You Know Friends Are There To Help You…

Also with slight reference to Raven Molisee’s drawing Reaching for the Impossible (if you catch it).

Enjoy!

—- —- —-          —- —- —-          —- —- —-         —- —- —- 

“What took ya?”

Eddy leaned against the opened door-frame of Double D’s house with a raised eyebrow.

“I apologize for not simply allowing gravity to cascade my corpus willy-nilly down the stairs to retrieve you sooner, Eddy. Though I must inquire as to what brings you to my house unannounced.” Edd retorted, crossing his arms.

“Never hadda ask before,” Eddy swaggered his way passed Edd, “an’ besides, I wanted t’ give ya somethin’. But we gotta go up to yer room so I can give it to ya.” He leaned towards the taller boy, eyes glinting with a spark of mischief.

“W- we can’t do that.”

Eddy took note of the swift and nervous response.

“Why not?”

“Well I…”

“Don’t tell me it’s a mess ‘cause I know that’s a lie.”

“To be honest… I cannot allow you into my bedroom.”

“Why?” Eddy exclaimed in frustration “Ten years and suddenly…” he paused midsentence with a grin. “Yer hidin’ somethin’, aren’tcha?” Edd’s arms flew up defensively.

“Eddy, no… please try to respect my wished as – ” Without a moment of hesitation, the curious intruder ran for the stairs. “Eddy! Hault this instant!”

The chase was on as Edd frantically fumbled after the nimble boy.

“Curse my short and feeble legs” he gasped in pursuit.

Eddy whipped around from the hallway into the doorway of Double D’s room.

“Ah HA! Just what I- Hey! Where’s my surprise?” The disgruntled 13 year old tapped his foot, waiting for Edd to catch up; when he did, he was sorely out of breath and gasping pleas to Eddy. Edd anxiously and in a nervous sweat grabbed at Eddy’s collar, all the while begging.

“Vacate my room immediately. Now come!”

The taller teen’s insisting fell on deaf ears. With the fabric of the bowling-shirt bunched in Edd’s hands, it was easy for Eddy to slip clear out the bottom like a slippery serpent and to freedom.

“Sheesh, Sockhead. Give it a rest, I was ju-” Eddy paused as he turned towards the corner of Edd’s room where the bed resided. Edd jumped nervously with a suppressed squeak.

“Eh- Eddy.”

“Sticky notes? In yer room? Man, yer parents sure hit some all-time low, didn’t they? Was bad enough they put ‘em all over the house…” Edd made another last ditch effort to divert Eddy’s attention.

“Oh those? Don’t be silly. They are of- of little, minute, dare-say microscopic importance! I’m sure there is a superfluity of activities in which to engage outside of this room, don’t you agree Eddy?” But Eddy was not listening as he hopped on the bed to read one of the notes stuck above the headrest. Edd nearly shrieked as Eddy began scanning the messages of the notes from the bed; and he had to do so with his shoes on too?

“What’s this one say… hmm… ‘Eddward, don’t associate with that ‘Eddy’ boy. Love, Dad’” The amount of anger that bubbled up in the short 13 year old body came to a head as steam whistled from Eddy’s ears.

“Edd! What is this!?” he yelled shrilly, pointing accusingly at the yellow note and staring daggers at Edd. Averting his eyes, he responded desperately. “Please, Eddy. No further inquiries on the matter”. Eddy continued his rant regardless.

“What’s the big deal with this!? And it’s right above your stinkin’ bed. I’m gonna- I’m” Eddy growled as he stomped in a circle on the bed. He then jumped off and stormed out of the room, snagging his shirt back from Edd and aggressively squeezing his way back into it on his way out. The taller teen kept pursuit several steps behind, but once again he was outrun. Edd knew exactly where Eddy was headed based on his trajectory: his parent’s room. This knowledge was enough to pique his temper. He angrily yelled down the hallway as he chased after Eddy.

“That is quite enough, mister! What in Sam Hill do you think you are –” A loud gasp escaped Edd’s gap-toothed mouth as he witnessed Eddy, in mother and father’s bedroom, holding a colossal pile of sticky note pads.

“Where’s the matches? I’m burnin’ these, I swear. Who do they think they are writin’ that sorta crap and puttin’ it on your walls!?”

“They are my parents, Eddy!”

“You better start explainin’, Sockhead.”

“Explain? I’d much rather prefer we not discuss this at all” Edd turned away from Eddy and made his way towards his room; as a result the sticky notes were thrown aside so Eddy could follow hot on his trail.

“I need to know, Double D!” Eddy exclaimed, desperation drenching his words.

Edd couldn’t contain his tears as his mind went through a flurry of emotions; fear, anger, sadness, anxiety. Once he’d stomped his way back to the doorway of his room, he swiftly turned to Eddy with a red face and blurted-out the truth.

“Mother and father know of our affections!” It was then and there that Edd broke down onto the floor with sobs, nearly soaking through the carpets. Between gasping and sniffling, he continued: “I’m so sorry. I hadn’t the heart to inform you, Eddy”. His wails of despair echoed through the hall as Eddy watched frozen in place, his mind racing as the reality sunk in. This was bad news, really bad news. Who knew what sort of trouble this could get them in? And parents talked, right? What if they called his own parents? But above all things, of all the fears that flooded Eddy in that moment, the worst of them all was seeing Edd sobbing like he was on the floor.

“Ya gotta stop crying, Dee.” He commanded in an attempt to thwart the feeling. But Edd continued on in his dramatic and sniveling confession.

“Ever since we ran away this summer their trust in me as dwindled drastically. Oh what can I do? What can I do? Oh Eddy! Oh dear oh dear oh-.” Edd was interrupted by a slamming noise that made him jolt. It came from inside his room. He turned swiftly, looking behind himself with puffy eyes. In his fit of anguish, Edd had failed to notice Eddy walking past, picking up a discarded sticky-note pad and a pencil, scribbling words on the pad, and slamming his note directly over one above the bed. Edd picked himself up from the floor and walked his way towards the bed, where Eddy was sitting smugly. He squinted and read Eddy’s note: “Forget about them! Love, Eddy”. Immediately upon inspection, the note was not approved.

“You can’t do that! They are my parents, Eddy, I can’t simply-”

“No, Double D. They are yer parents but they don’t know apples from artichokes when it comes to you!” Eddy swiftly turned back to the notes and read one aloud; “Dear Eddward, a good son must always listen. Love, Mom and Dad. Ugh!” Eddy scoffed in disgust, taking the pad and pencil in hand and scribbling his own note quickly. He put his directly over theirs; it read ‘This is bunk! Love, Eddy’. Once again, in a panic, Edd objected to the additions. By this point, Eddy had moved on to the next note, written by Edd’s father. Similarly disgusted, he covered it as well with a note saying ‘This too! Love, Eddy’.

Edd’s nerves went haywire watching Eddy posting his notes over those of his parents. He attempted to grab one of the intruding notes to remove it, all the while tears welling up in frustration and fear.

“Do you have any idea what sort of trouble I could get into? First you invade the private space of my parents’ room, then steal their personal hoard of sticky-notes which are currently strewn across the floor in an enormous mess, and now you are writing flagrant-”

Double D was interrupted with a jab to his side, well exposed as he was in the middle of reaching his arm out to remove a note from his wall. Edd paused momentarily to crane his neck to read the upside-down scrawling. In big letters, it said ‘Don’t Cry. Love, Eddy’. No sooner had he registered the message of the note did Eddy yank him into the bed.

“Eddy! Release me! I am wearing my shoes on the bed. Why, we are both wearing shoes on the bed!” but Eddy had already gone to work, reading more of the sticky notes on the walls aloud and covering them with his own comments. In between sticking notes over notes, Eddy ranted angrily.

“If anybody should be leavin’ you notes, it’s me anyways. Yer parents have nothing on me an’ Ed when it comes to knowing what’s good fer ya.”

“But Eddy!-” Edd cried. Really cried. The tears were still streaming down his cheeks. Eddy had to think of something to get him to stop crying. He turned to the first note that had caught his eye, ‘Don’t associate with that ‘Eddy boy’. Taking the pad in hand, Eddy chuckled as he doodled and stuck his note over the offending note.

Edd took one look at it wide eyes before shouting, “That is absolutely inappropriate! And so crudely drawn…” but Edd couldn’t hold back his 13 year old smile at the phallic effigy scrawled sketchily in pencil. He immediately covered the grin with a hand, only not fast enough to keep Eddy from noticing. This glimpse of happiness was just the fuel Eddy needed and he laughed with the small victory. Edd giggled sheepishly before attempting to reach over Eddy and pluck the offensive sketch down from the wall. Eddy wouldn’t allow it.

“Nope, you let ‘em see that. And if they gotta problem with it, they come to me!” With that said, Eddy attacked Edd’s exposed sides with a barrage of tickling fingers. The onslaught of tickles caused Edd to retract his arms that were once supporting him and collapse directly atop Eddy. He squirmed and laughed and pleaded for Eddy to stop, smiling but still teary eyed. But Eddy was read to fix that. Taking the pad of stick-notes, he feverishly began to write. Now was Edd’s chance to escape in fear of further tickles, but Eddy hooked his arm around his waist and snapped him back in like a rubber band. Eddy stuck the note he’d just written onto Edd’s head, right on his big ol’ brain. Edd, taking the note off his head read it and blushed: “You are the smartest guy I know. Love, Eddy”. He smiled warmly at the kind words.

“’atta boy! I gotcha t’ smile and laugh. Now let’s see what we can do ‘bout those tears.”

Eddy scribbled some more, then stuck a note directly onto Edd’s nose. It was removed and read.

‘You’re easy on the eyes too. Love, Eddy.’

Edd smiled again and sniffled. “You really think so?”

“What, haven’t you looked in a mirror lately? ‘course I do!”

Seeing Edd brighten up with each and every compliment prompted Eddy to begin writing a flurry of them, each of them stuck all over Edd’s body with intermittent tickles to fish out some more giggles. Edd whipped at his watering eyes, which had transitioned into tears of joy and laughter. But both couldn’t shake the feeling that this moment was bitter sweet; what would happen to them? Why did this have to be a big deal? What was the problem with wanting to make someone happy, doing whatever it took to make them crack a smile, to care?

Eddy dropped the pad and grabbed Edd’s cheeks, briskly pulling his face in for a big wet smooch.

Pulling away, Eddy said “An’ that’s what I wanted to give ya.” 

[owmylasagna-blog]

I Need a Nazz

This is about as finished as this thing is gonna get. Really had no idea how to end this. You can probably tell.

Pt. 1

Pt. 2

PART 3

--- --- ---

Friday arrived and Nazz made her way to the trailer park. In her hands was a plate of cookies, her fairy bon-bons to be exact, which she whipped up in hopes of appeasing the Kankers or at least getting on their good sides. If they had them… She hesitated once she reached the trailer. What was she getting herself into? Once Nazz built up the courage to knock, the door swung open. Marie had answered.

“Hey, Sugar! Pungent I see. Almost six on the dot.”

“I think you mean ‘punctual’, sis.” May corrected.

“Like you’d know,” she barked back to the blonde sister before eyeing the plate in Nazz’s hand. “Ooh! Sweets!” she made grabby hands at the plate. Lee appeared behind her.

“Where’s ya manners, Marie? You’re s’posed to invite ‘em in first before you eat their food. Mom’d be ashamed to have sucha crud host for a daughter.” She motioned to Nazz. “Come in.”

Nazz cautiously stepped in. She had never seen the Kanker trailer. Honestly, she had never stepped foot into any sort of mobile home before. Curiosity got the best of her and she gave the place a good look.

“Is your mom not here?” she asked.

“Nah, she’s workin’. Got a double shift down at The Loosey Goose.” Marie slide beside Nazz, putting an arm around her shoulder. Her hand was positioned right above the plate of sugar-coated bon-bons, fingers ready to grab at the one on top.

“Let me take these from you,” Lee said as she removed the plate from Nazz’s hand, simultaneously causing Marie to make a grab for nothing. She made her way to the kitchen. May bounced over to Nazz, bubbling with excitement.

“Guess what we got planned for you.”

Nazz nervously questioned May, who responded enthusiastically “Sloppy Joes and Spa night!”

So far, everything seemed to be going normally. Nazz was delightfully surprised but kept her guard up. A night of pampering was up her ally.

“Rad!” she responded, “You guys should have told me. I just bought this new facial mask and would have brought it.”

“Ours ain’t good enough or somethin’?” Marie antagonized. Nazz didn’t like the tone this conversation was possibly slipping into. Luckily, Lee called them all to the kitchen to start making food. Cooking in the cramped kitchen with three disagreeing sisters was uncomfortable at first but after what seemed like a period of more arguing than cooking, Sloppy Joes were served- and boy were they sloppy! Nazz would have normally steered far away from excessively fatty or ketchuppy food but seeing as there was no other option and she was hungry she ate. The drippy contents made a mess as they attempted to escape the potato bread bun. Nazz had to admit she wasn’t overly fond of messy food either, but all-in-all it wasn’t half bad to eat. She listened as the sisters, speaking with mouths full of food, argued over who was the best cook. It appeared to boil down to “Who could best cook for their man?”. Talk about men encouraged them to question Nazz.  

“You and Kevin are dating, right?” to which Nazz nodded.

“Not bad lookin’, with that big chin o’ his.”

“And he sure knows how to use a monkey wrench.”

“Is he a good kisser?”

Nazz blushed at this question, eliciting giggles from the Kankers.

“Now c’mon, Blondie. No need to be shy. S’just us girls.”

Hesitantly, and now a bit more reassured, Nazz responded, “I guess he’s not bad…” to which the three sisters broke into a fit of enjoyment. May blurted “Does he use any tongue?” before her chuckles took over again. Once again Nazz turned a shade of red. But it dawned on her that these girls weren’t ashamed to ask these questions so she shouldn’t be nervous to answer them. She was further reassured when Marie intervened, saying “Oh, we’re just playin’ with ya! But has he?”

Nazz let her nervousness escape with a laugh before shaking her head “no”.

Being in the Kanker trailer had become much more bearable once Nazz reasoned that there were no ill-intentions, mostly curiosity (despite how inappropriate or prying that curiosity seemed to her). They started the “Spa night” by putting a movie in, then retrieved any and all essentials for hair, nails, facials, etc. Nazz was surprised by some of the items; they appeared, well, unconventional. Lee began to mix the facemask, sloshing the contents with her vigorous stirring in a bowl. The girls began to lather the brown substance on their faces before offering the bowl to the blonde. On further inspection she realized that the “facemask” was none other than chocolate pudding. She giggled upon the realization. The Kankers craned their necks to inspect their laughing guest. Nazz dipped a finger into the bowl and brought it to her lips, eating the tiny dollop of pudding.

“Chocolate is totally my favorite,” she declared joyfully. “I never thought to use it on my face!” to which she began covering her cheeks with the pudding mask.

“They don’t call it puddin’ skins for nothing, Puddin’.” Lee replied.

Marie then jumped up, exclaiming “Let’s throw things into each other’s faces!” Confused, Nazz made an expression of concern. Pudding on her face was fine but she didn’t want to get hit in the face. Marie then started throwing things at May, the first object a lug-nut. It wasn’t thrown hard but when it made contact with May’s cheek it stuck like an insect to fly-paper.

“My turn!” Lee shoved her way into the shooting range wielding a spoon. This too flew and stuck to May, dangling off her nose. Lee fist-pumped in victory.

“Try and beat that!” she challenged as she handed Nazz a padlock.

“Alright, dudes” Nazz replied, lining up her shot. She tossed the lock and it splat square on May’s forehead before unlocking and popping open. The three sisters looked in bewilderment at the lock as Nazz hopped up, raised her arms, and cheered.

“Wooo! Right on!”

The night progressed similarly. There was a fair-share of arguing and pranks played among the sisters, but it wasn’t entirely intolerable. Nazz was starting to think the girls weren’t too bad. She’d probably avoid spending too much time with them as they were pretty callous and rude but not horrible. Some time passed before Nazz’s fairy bon-bons made an appearance. As they dug into the sugary cookies, their tightened face masks stretched with the strain of each mouthful. It was a cue that it was time to peel them off.

Though the thought had been on her mind all night and the past few days, Nazz finally decided to voice it to the Kankers. She started peeling the pudding mask from May’s cheek when she huffed and ask, “Do you guys, like, ya know… get your periods or whatever?” Her voice was shyer with the completion of the question but the sisters still heard her.

“Course we do.” Responded May as a rubbery chunk of pudding released from her face.

“Been gettin’ mine since 5th grade. Pain in the ass…” Lee groaned.

“And pain elsewhere too!” complained Marie as she ripped Lee’s entire mask clean off in one go. Lee yelped in pain before promptly grabbing the mask, which maintained an impression of her own scowling face, and proceeding to slap her blue-haired sister with it.

“I remember mom flipped her cookies when she’d found out ‘bout Lee.” Said May.

“And you” Said Lee, to May.

“And a’course me” Added Marie.

“Why’d she do that?” Nazz questioned.

“Somethin’ about us becomin’ “real women”. And about learnin’ ta hold your liquor.” Marie explained, to which May continued, “And then she passed out on the couch.”

“Now we aughtta find us some “real men”. Those Ed’s are really shirkin’ their jobs as boyfriend and husband material.” Lee crossed her arms and pouted.

“Besides the big one, them other two are startin’ to act like some…” Marie tossed a bon-bon into her mouth, “sugar coated fairies”. She munched on the cookie with a growl.

“When’d you get yours, Nazz?” asked a curious May, breaking the conversation’s course.

She gulped, “A couple months ago. My mom and aunt told me what to do and stuff but like I don’t really get it. It’s messing with my head and body all the time. So gross and annoying!”

The Kankers soon broke into a frenzy of words and gestures as they attempted to “explain” everything to Nazz. Some of the things they said she’s heard from the nurse, but other parts were new. A lot of it she really wished she didn’t hear as it seemed to make periods and thus herself even weirder for getting them. But the way they talked about the topic, unashamed, excited, almost with pride was foreign. It was a mystery to Nazz how anybody would want to claim ownership of a bodily function as monstrous as menstruation, but the Kankers did it in stride. Whether it were the knowledge they usurped from Anatomy books in the back of the library, giggling behind the diagramed pages, or the entitlement of womanhood bestowed to them from their mother’s mouth the Kankers sure held none of this as a secret, and despite its drawbacks it wasn’t taboo. And though Nazz wasn’t keen on getting too close to the Kankers, they sure wouldn’t mind listening to the gritty details. In fact, as they discussed topics from body hair to blow-job, it appeared the Sisters were in their element. With time, Nazz was opening about things she wouldn’t even think to say in her own head to the Kanker Sisters! From the day they had moved to Peach Creek, it would never have crossed Nazz’s mind that she’d be in that place at that time. And yet she was, and she was pretty grateful for it. 

[owmylasagna-blog]

I Need a Nazz

Pt. 1

PART 2

Pt. 3

  ------ ----- -----

When Nazz was 9, her mother gave her a tiny pink booklet. On the cover was a girl smiling wide with braces. “Hah, what a tin grin” Nazz muttered to herself. Pastel flowers bordered the edges and in bubble letters the title The Body Book for Growing Girls was written across the top. There was nothing really said about it and at the time she really didn’t care to read it. Like, what was there to know about this kind of stuff anyway? Now seemed a better time than ever to pull the lame thing out. Nazz dug it out from some dark corner of her bookshelf and leafed through the brightly illustrated pages. She landed on a page of an illustrated girl with a mirror, looking at her- UGH why would you do that?! She closed the book again. This thing was so dumb. The book was thrown aside and she flopped back onto the bed.

Nazz wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do. She’d have preferred to completely ignore all the strange stuff happening, not get a better look at it with a mirror! She lay on her bed, brooding over the events of the day; the thirteen year old was cross with herself, with the Kankers, with Mother Nature for being really stupid and annoying. Not cool. Not cool at all. The more she brooded, the more she hated to admit that maybe her best chance at finding some closure over her bodily functions was to confront the only other girls who seemed in the know: those delightful Kanker sisters. Sure, they really pushed her buttons more than she would ever want them pushed but they did have pads and tampons which meant something, right? It meant they could maybe understand the weird things her body was doing.

Nazz hated to share a commonality with them. It made her feel even more disgusted.

The next day of school wasn’t too bad. Like every morning, she met Kevin so that he could give her a ride on his bike. He didn’t really say much, but when did he ever? Classes went normally, lunch too, and then there was cheerleading practice after school. Halfway through practice, though, she noticed the three familiar trailer-park girls bickering as they passed through the gym. May was clawing at Marie.

“Hey, I never said you could borrow my hair clips!”

Marie pushed her away:  “What’s a sister for if ya can’t steal things from her?” Lee snagged the clip from Marie’s hair, causing the shorter sister to yelp, “Ouch!”

“Gimme, Lee!”

“No, gimme! It’s mine.”

Lee tucked a red curl back with the butterfly clip before scoffing at her sisters. “You girls ain’t goodlookin’ enough to wear this. In your hair it’s just a cheap plastic bug.” Two pairs of hands grabbed for the insect accessory anyway, only for Lee to throw both her sisters to the ground. “Girls! Quit your gripin’! I’m the oldest and what I say-” she paused when she noticed the cheerleaders.

“Look at you boobs!” Lee sneared over to the girls. “Ra Ra Shishcoombah!”

“Our stupid mascot’s a big fat pie!” Marie joined in.

“And it’ll go straight to your big fat thighs!” added May.

“You mean yours, May!” Marie grinned as she gave May cow-bites to the back of her thighs. The two began fighting, becoming a mess of dust-cloud, limbs, and sparks.

Ed, the respective mascot of the Peach Creek Cobblers, looked with concern to Nazz.

“Does this slice of pie make me look fat?” he asked. He attempted to swivel around to look at his bottom but to no avail; the suit would not allow it.

“No, you idiot. All the stupid gravy you eat does!” Sarah barked at her brother.

Nazz rolled her eyes. “Come on, guys. Let’s not get distracted now. We still need to practice our pyramid. You know how badly the last one went.”

They all looked to Jimmy, who was sitting on the sidelines with an arm in a sling and a bandage on his head. He gave the cheerleaders a thumbs-up with his good arm.

“You go girls! And Ed!”

They waved to their fallen teammate. Nazz turned back around to notice the Kankers were gone. “Good”, she thought. They finished cheerleading practice, put away the mats, and headed out. Ed met with Eddy and Edd and Sarah walked with Jimmy, patting him sympathetically on the back.

“I’m sure you won’t have too big of a bump on your head, Jimmy. And if you do, you can try a new hair style to cover it up!”

“Oh, a bold hair-do will most definitely help me forget all about my ouchies, Sarah. Let’s go back to my place and try some out.” The two youngest members disappeared behind the swinging door of the gym. Nazz gathered her backpack so that she could go meet Kevin for a ride home. She swung the gym door open and was immediately surprised when May jumped up from nowhere like a wild beast to surprise her. She screamed and punched. Nazz always had pretty good reflexes when it came to this sort of thing. May went sliding across the waxed school floor.

“Nice right hook, Rocky Bimbo-a” Lee chuckled at her sister’s misfortune.

“Yeah, right in the kisser too!” Marie included with a snicker.

Nazz felt pretty guilty for punching May, but then again she did scare her. “Wow, dude. Sorry for like hitting you so hard!” she said as she ran over to help her up.

“Aw, it’s alright. I’d probably punch me too if I did that to me.”

“If I were you, I’d punch me because I’m so ugly!” Marie jeered.

“You guys are kind of mean to each other. It’s totally immature.” Nazz sassed, gingerly dusting May off. “If I had sisters, I’d be a little more thankful.” Lee, not liking this, grabbed Nazz by the collar of her uniform and tugged her close so that their noses pressed.

“Whatcha sayin’, toots? That we ain’t some perfect family, that we don’t love each other, that you’re better than us?” Lee narrowed her eyes. “Only we can say shit about one another, and it ain’t nobody else’s business to say nothing ‘bout it. Got that?” She dropped Nazz, and turned on her heels. “Let’s get outta here. ‘pparently Miss. Perfect over here don’t like our kind.”

As the two other sisters followed suit, Nazz called out to them.

“Hey!”

They glanced back at her. Nazz felt like she was throwing herself into the lions’ den. Then again, maybe the lions by some miracle of God would have pity on her like that Daniel dude.

“First of all, that’s not what I meant. I imagine having sisters gives you someone to talk to about pretty much anything. I don’t know. I guess I’m like a little jealous of you guys.” The Kankers seemed surprised by this bit of information. Nazz continued, “Anyway, I was wondering if we could chill sometime.” The blonde wasn’t sure if she believed the words coming out of her own mouth. ‘Chill’? With the Kankers? But maybe they couldn’t be that bad. She knew deep down they were just girls: scary and different girls, but girls. Or was it that they were scary because they were different? Well, if that were the case maybe the Kankers thought Nazz was scary too.

The sisters looked to one another with confusion before huddling together to deliberate. After a few seconds of whispers, May turned outward from the huddle to address Nazz.

“You’re not joking, right?”

“No.”

The huddle closed again. Another few seconds passed before they broke.

“Deal. This Friday, 6 o’clock, our trailer. And don’t be late.” said Lee. And with that, the sisters left.

“Awesome.” Nazz said to the empty hallway. It was simultaneously sincere and sarcastic.

[owmylasagna-blog]

I Need a Nazz

One of the things I love about Ed Edd n Eddy is the age-range. As a viewer, we get a glimpse of kids turning into teens. Puberty is not kind, and many times the characters struggle with their changes (or lack-there-of). Whether it be a sail-boat on Ed's back or shag rug pasted to underarms, the older boys are all working through their puberty and anxious to strut some symbol of "adulthood". Most of the time, it's rather unfortunate for them. But what about the girls? Nazz is in a similar boat. She too must go through puberty, which isn't pretty for girls either.

Accordingly, I thought I'd shed some light on the topic. This is only the first portion of the story. More to come, in time! Enjoy.

_____________________________________________________

I Need a Nazz

PART 1

Pt. 2

Pt. 3

“Perfection” can be a hard title to live up to. For Nazz, though, it seemed she could do no wrong. At least not in the eyes of her peers, despite how rose-tinted those eyes may have been. She didn’t necessarily have to try. And she didn’t. Nazz wasn’t one to get caught up in the expectations around her; her mind focused primarily on personal pampering and having fun with her friends. Insecurity was lofty to her.

The 8th grader at Peach Creek Middle School would laugh at her male counterparts and their parading of puberty. Kevin’s scraggly chin hair or Rolf’s flourishing back hair met competition with Ed’s strength and height or Eddy’s armpit hair. But they too had their unfortunate side effects – cracking voices, acne, unwanted body odor – and so too did Nazz.

Fourth period social studies class, Nazz raised her hand.

“Mrs. Howard, may I be excused?”

The teacher nodded and Nazz sneakily stuffed an item into her pants pocket before standing up. Walking down the aisle, the boys in the class marveled at the Wonder of Nazz.

Whatta babe.

Always so poised and polite.

Her hair is bomb.

Uhh… Mmm… I am Ed.

The eyes glued on her form couldn’t fail to notice as a rectangular object fell out of her pocket onto the floor with the gentle tapping noise. Nazz froze. The pairs of eyes watching accordingly looked to the object. Normally hands would have flown to retrieve any object Nazz dropped but the boys could only sweat when they saw the Kotex product. Embarrassment assisted the rush of blood to her face and she swiftly retrieved the item from the floor and darted out of the door.

Nazz made a bee-line for the nurse’s office. When it came to her “feminine issues” Nazz had become accustomed to going to the school nurse for a bit of guidance and support. Mortified, she asked if she could get a sick-pass home: “You know for, like, cramps,” not because she had embarrassed herself in front of her friends. Never. The nurse didn’t buy it, but she did allow Nazz to have lunch in the waiting room. When the bell rang for her next class, she dreaded walking out into the hallway. What would happen if someone saw her and said something about her- her- ugh! She didn’t want to deal with that embarrassment. Instead of going to her class, she hid in the girl’s locker room. At least there she felt a bit safer.

Being friends primarily with boys wasn’t usually an issue for Nazz. Most of her friends from the cul-de-sac were guys. Over the years, she noticed it certainly had it perks. But when it came to girl-talk, Nazz had Sarah and Jimmy. Normally she could go to them about any sort of girl problems but felt this certain development was an exception. Jimmy, well… Jimmy wouldn’t understand periods. He couldn’t. And Sarah was still too young to really offer understanding. Nazz huffed out a puff of air from her round cheeks and leaned her head back on the locker. Who could she go to? Sure, she had a middle-aged school nurse but no friends to talk to. And especially after what happened in class she’d rather make believe the whole “period” thing never existed. She didn’t want to weird people out; heck, the whole thing weirded her out enough. She contemplated which of her friends she could talk to about it. Maybe that would make her feel better and make them feel less weird too.

The first to cross her mind was Kevin. He was her boyfriend. Well, technically. They went in and out of it. He was an immediate “No”. She could see him being really awkward and avoiding any sort of discussion. It would probably gross him out too.

Then there was Rolf. He was generally supportive and mature, but she also felt a strange aversion to telling him. His Old World culture might have weird rules and stuff about this sort of thing.

Eddy was also a close friend, but not really super mature or understanding of girls. Sorry, but no.

Double D was mature and smart, maybe smart enough to not be grossed out. And probably too nice to say anything weird or mean. Nazz found he could be a good listener and problem solver. Though he wasn’t a girl, he seemed to know enough about them. And he just knew a lot of stuff about seemingly everything! Nazz bit her lip as the final bell rang. She didn’t really have much other choice. Double D it would be.

Nazz clutched the straps of her backpack and she bounced on her heels to Edd’s locker. Turning the corner, she noticed that the hall was vacated. She’d gotten there too late or too early? She really wasn’t sure what Edd’s schedule was so she decided to wait a few minutes in front of the locker. The more she waited, and antsier she became. She wondered if Kev would be looking for her. They usually walked home from school together after his basketball practice. Her eyes shifted down the hallway to the left of her.  Nobody. Then she heard footsteps and recognizable cackling, chuckling, and giggling. The Kankers rounded the corner.

“Hey! You’re not my boyfriend.”

“The floozy is claiming your territory, Marie!”

“Shucks, better do somethin’ bout that, huh sis?”

Marie stomped over dominantly to Nazz. She peered into her face with a sneer, too close for Nazz’s comfort.

“What’s up, blondie? Waiting for MY boyfriend? ‘cause that’s MY job. Beat it!”

Lee slid behind her blue-haired sister and cooed to Nazz over Marie’s shoulder.

“Oh, Muffin. We heard about your little “accident” today. How mortifying!” she grinned deviously.

May too slide behind Marie and peeked out on the other side.

“Yeah. Droppin’ a maxi in front of all the boys! How romantic!” May chuckled.

The three sisters closed in on Nazz. Having had enough with their patronizing and forgetting about Double D, she scuttled around them to leave.

“Where’s the princess goin’?” Lee whipped Nazz around, jutting her under-bite even further. She smiled. “Wouldn’t want to miss the parade.”

“Parade?” Nazz questioned, getting heated and angry.

“Yeah, parade!” Marie shrieked in her shrill voice. She ripped open her book-bag and started throwing the contents into the air. All around Nazz rained miscellaneous sanitary napkins and tampons in their colorful and crinkly plastic sleeves. Lee and May followed in suit, throwing the female hygiene products like fairies throwing flower petals, skipping and chanting in a circle.

“All hail the Kotex Queen! All hail the Kotex Queen! All hail the Kotex Queen!”

Nazz, infuriated, kicked the pads and tampons strewn across the floor and stormed as quickly as possible down the hall and out the door.

Kevin would have to walk home alone that day.

[owmylasagna-blog]

Ready: Part 2

The second and last instillation of this fluffy-thing I wrote called Ready. EddyEdd, teenagers, dealing with teenager feels. Enjoy! —- —- —- “I intend to state an intuition, a hypothesis if you will. I am not expecting you to take it well so, if need be, take appropriate mental preparation … or physical precaution.” The sound of whatever this was already made Eddy boil a bit, but he brought his insides down to a simmer. He rolled his eyes, lulling his head and gaze to Edd with an expression on his face reading ‘wouldn’t I like to know’. Edd readjusted his weight slightly. He gulped his drying tongue before letting the words spill.  “I don’t believe you are ready for sex.”  “WHAT!?”  Eddy nearly shot through the roof as he flew off the bed. He turned sharply to face Edd, anger radiating from his body and written all over his expression. Instinctively, Edd flinched but no contact was made.  “You think I’m not ready!?” Eddy huffed, stomping in a circle with his arms in the air. “Well, I’ve got news for you… You just wait.” He turned to his bag on the floor and began digging into it.  “First of all, pretty sure you noticed that I was trying to create ambience to set the mood. Note the candles, the music…” Eddy spat out over his right shoulder, hands deep into his bag. A moment later, Edd was taken by surprise when red petals came flying at him. He then took notice that they were in fact rose petals; bruised, but real none-the-less. They were aggressively thrown at him by the handful and he attempted to block his face from the bombardment.  “See these? Stinkin’ rose petals!” Eddy shouted, throwing the last bunch of petals at Edd. “Not cheap either, Sockhead…” All Edd could do was panic from the attack and then from the realization of what a mess Eddy was making. He attempted to gather them into his hands but was interrupted by Eddy a second time. Unlike the gentle slapping of the satiny petals, a pair of leopard skin underwear shot like a rubber-band bulls-eyed for Edd’s face was much more abrasive and painful. Edd gagged a choked yelp at the assault on his face.  “Real sexy, huh!?” Eddy continued his aggressive display, once again digging into the bag. “Not ready. Not ready, my ass! Just wait ‘till you see this!” Eddy spun around and swiftly shoved his full hand in Edd’s face; from Eddy’s fingers a chain of condoms unraveled. Edd’s eyes followed the cascade and he gulped loudly. His eyes met Eddy’s. Both were red in the face. The condoms feel onto Edd’s laps and Eddy dove back into the bag.  “And the piece-of-resistance,” Eddy barked and turned one last time shoving his arm forward. In his extended hand this time was a bottle of lubricator. As Edd sucked in his lip and looked at the bottle, Eddy stared him down. His breath was heavy from his fit and he waited for Edd to say something. When silence was the only response, he threw the bottle back in his back and sighed in his hands. He laughed half-heartedly and muttered to himself, “Heh, ‘not ready’.” Edd, flustered, was reminded of the mess of rose petals surrounding him. As he went back to picking them up, he gingerly lifted the packages of condoms off his lap as if they were delicate glass and placed them on the night stand. He took a deep breath, a long sigh, and looked to Eddy whom was sitting slumped on the floor facing away from him. Now that the petals were in a neat pile, he could continue where he left off.  “There is a difference between preparation and maturity. The readiness I meant to address was of the latter sort.” Edd cautiously walked to Eddy and kneeled down to give him a soft hug from behind. With his chin on Eddy’s left shoulder, Edd whispered “Please come talk with me”. Eddy could feel himself relaxing under Edd’s affection. He couldn’t help it; there was something Double D could do that he couldn’t explain. He could equally infuriate and tranquilize him in the span of 2 minutes. Eddy complied and they both returned to sit on the bed, hands clasped.  “I’m listening.”  “Though physical, mental, and social factors are pushing your choice in action I sense that underlying insecurities and fixations may be detrimental in continuation of said sexual activity.” Eddy stared blankly, then allowing an eyebrow to arch in confusion.  “Fixations? You’re pullin’ some Freud B.S. on me, aren’t you.” Eddy was a bit aggravated that he was being psychoanalyzed by Double D, but he was also interested in getting an explanation. Edd gave Eddy’s hands a reassuring squeeze and continued.  “My only intent is to assist you and guide us through our burgeoning sexual life. We are at a critical period in our adolescence, what with hormonal urges and societal pressures. But I am willing to admit that I too lack the mental maturity to proceed at a more rapid rate. Sure, the thought has arisen in my mind; it’s only natural, I suppose. My curiosity concerning sexual endeavors has been awoken but I know that I’ve yet to attain and mental and emotional state of maturity to manifest those fantasies in reality.” Eddy cut him off: “That’s you, but what about me?” “I suspect similarly of you, though I admit there is an additional element that concerns me…” Edd looked to Eddy’s eyes to read them. Eddy looked away; he wasn’t sure if he liked Edd reading him like a book and if the eyes were windows to the soul, he wasn’t letting him have any of it. The diverted gaze said enough to Edd. It told him that Eddy had a fleeting idea of what was to follow. To soothe him, Edd caressed the top of Eddy’s hand.  “If my memory does not fail me, I recall a substantial amount of your developmental years revolving around a fixation with overtly sexual images and messages. Be it your magazines or manuals in wooing the opposite sex, your concept of human sexuality has been warped. It’s a rather common consequence of modern society, really; distorted realities designed to feed consumerist gains, manipulating the ways in which people view themselves and others so that one may profit. The deceptive nature of the images you’ve grown up with create experiences and ideas that aren’t real. Well, essentially they exist but can hardly represent a truer, more genuine reality. You would be surprised by the amount of technological finagling that goes on behind closed doors! I digress-.” Edd took a moment to look at Eddy, and then a thought hit him.  “You are being very cooperative. Are you listening?” “Yes, Sockhead! And if ya want me to keep cooperatin’, hurry up will ya’?”  “Ah, yes. I’m sorry. You know how I’m so easily consumed by my thoughts… Continuing where I last left off, I mean to project that my concern lies in your amount of comfort regarding intercourse and sexuality. Your exposure is limited to manufactured fallacy. When it comes to the topic, you wouldn’t even say the word “sex”, which raised in me a question of your mental mindset. We’ve yet to discuss it together, which is crucial! Though you’ve immersed yourself in a culture of sex and seduction, it’s hardly applicable to the real-life emotional veracity of sexual exploration. You are desensitized to the physicality of human sexuality and additionally have less experience in regard to the promise of emotional attainment.” Edd stopped. He bit at his lip and looked away nervously. What he wanted to say next may hurt Eddy’s feelings, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to bring too much onto his mind at once. But, if he was going to have this talk Edd felt it necessary to address his last concern. “I know you’ve been struggling to trust physical intimacy, and it’s understandable. We don’t need to talk about it at this moment, but your detachment of emotion to sexual activities is a strong line of defense.” Tears couldn’t be stopped from welling in Edd’s eyes.  Eddy held his breath. A sick filling hit his gut as the memories flooded. But he shook them from his head. He could feel a whimper catching in the back of his throat, but this too he tried to keep from surfacing. Without thought, Eddy fell into Edd’s chest and grabbed onto the fabric of Edd’s pajamas. Edd, surprised by the hug, whispered to Eddy, “But every day, I see you getting stronger. I see you learning to feel. To love…” The word hung in the air. Love. Eddy couldn’t hold back his tears and let them soak into Edd’s chest. Edd too couldn’t help but let the tears run, and tenderly rested his head on Eddy’s while soothingly rubbing his back. Eddy’s hands were needy and firm and they pulled Edd close.  “I hate when you’re right” Eddy choked into the folds of Edd’s body.  Edd sighed and smiled softly, lifting Eddy’s face up to meet his. He kissed Eddy’s forehead before responding, “Would you rather me be wrong?” “No. I just wish I wasn’t always…” “Wrong?” Edd inquired.  Eddy sighed, “Yeah, ‘wrong’.”  “Oh hush. That’s not even remotely true. Your stubbornness blows my interventions out of proportion. I only mean to help you as I’m concerned for you.”  “What, you don’t trust me to figure my own shit out?” “Rejecting assistance from someone who cares deeply for you is not noble, Eddy. And it certainly doesn’t make you ‘right’.” “You’re not perfect.” Eddy huffed, shoving his face into Edd’s chest. Edd sighed. Their normal bickering was almost a relief. They stayed for a moment in an embrace, Edd playing with Eddy’s hairs. Eddy eventually shifted and sat up.  “Should probably clean these candles up.”  “We certainly should, similarly these rose petals and…” Edd turned behind himself and grabbed the pair of leopard print underwear. He dangled them between him and Eddy, “these delightful intimates.” Eddy snatched them from Edd’s hands with a blush and grumbled, then began the process of blowing out the candles. Edd giggled at Eddy’s embarrassment and proceeded in blowing out each tiny flame. Once the petals discarded and wax solidified enough to pack away the candles, Eddy changed into pajama pants and a t-shirt. Roughly 11 PM, the taller of the two teens could feel sleepiness creeping in. He proceeded in his nightly ritual of brushing his teeth, flossing, and washing his face. Eddy challenged his efforts by fighting over the sink the entire time to brush his own teeth. While Eddy dribbled foamy toothpaste down his chin, jokingly growling like a rabid beast at Edd, Edd rolled his eyes as he methodically ran the mechanical toothbrush over every molar, cuspid, and bicuspid.  Returning to the room, they both shimmied their way into the bed. Sure; the fit was tight, but the closeness was welcomed and desired. Now only 11:15, the two boys weren’t necessarily ready to sleep but instead spent an hour or so talking, kissing, cuddling, enjoying the other’s presence. They admitted a weight was lifted from their chests, and maybe now that they were communicating more openly about sex it would be easier to approach, paced and with awareness. They talked until their eyelids became heavy and eventually lulled one another to sleep with soft caresses, a warm embrace, and the intoxicating scent of the dear boy in his arms. 

[owmylasagna-blog]

Part 1 of that Eddy/Edd ficlet I was talking about yesterday. Part 2 hasn't been written just yet but I will start it later tonight. 

Enjoy!

----    -----     ------      -------

Ready

Most teenage boys wouldn’t exactly admit to having “sleep-overs”. Staying up late, Watching movies, playing video games, sifting through pornographic magazines, scoffing down junk food, and the occasional theft from the liquor cabinet constituted an appropriate cover for a sleep-over, though one would never call it by that childish name.

It was a Thursday evening, after school had let out, that the three Eds shuffled back to the cul-de-sac. Making it to Friday seemed torturous for two thirds of the pack; the remaining one-third was rather excited to make the finishing touches on his chemistry lab report. In that moment, Sarah came nagging with Jimmy in tow and ceremoniously grabbed Ed by the ear. He was in some sort of trouble. Again. She dragged him away, leaving Edd and Eddy to themselves. As they arrived at Edd’s door, Edd asked if Eddy would want to sleep over that Saturday. Eddy’s mind jammed a bit at the use of the phrase but it didn’t take long for the cogs to start violently turning in his squared head. But nothing was said beyond a simple acceptance and they parted shortly after sneaking a quick kiss on the front steps. 

Saturday approached, and Eddy prepared.

A knock came from the door around 8 pm that night. Edd opened the door for his guest, clearing his throat and glaring down at the mud-tracking sneakers Eddy was nearly inches from planting on the freshly cleaning floor. Eddy rolled his eyes and in an exaggerated manner gingerly untied his laces and placed his shoes so they perfectly aligned besides Edd’s shoes. He smiled a devilishly sweet smile, to which his friend chuckled in response with a hand modestly above his mouth.

“Shall we?” Double D suggested as he motioned towards the stairs.

“Ladies first, Double Dear” jested Eddy with batted eyelashes. He wasn’t going to miss an opportunity at getting front row seats to the wonder known as Edd’s ass. And Edd was completely aware of Eddy’s intentions but knowingly rolled his eyes and led their ascension of the stairs. He wasn’t opposed to treating Eddy’s need for eye candy every once in a while.

They turned the corner into Edd’s room, which was as green and tidy as ever. Eddy lurched his bag down. He wished he’d packed lighter, but everything had to be perfectly coordinated and all the items were necessary. Though he noticed the size and weight of Eddy’s bag, Edd hadn’t thought much of it. It seemed like an awful lot for one night...

With urgency the shorter of the two bodies rushed to the taller, embracing him around the waist and pulling him in. Edd peeped a small sound of surprise at the sudden tug and proximity but followed suit by wrapping him arms around Eddy’s shoulders. The two teenage boys smiled at one another. A familiar fuzziness rushed to their heads, something that happened whenever they were more intimate. No, they weren’t boyfriends. At least they didn’t believe so nor did they care to think so. Labeling it hadn’t mattered, not when they were in middle school and not now that they were in high school. Was it a secret? Sure. They kept moments like this between themselves and the secret only with Ed. Boyfriends? The word had yet to cross their minds.

They leaned in towards one another and kissed briefly. They kissed a second time and Edd took notice of the stubble pricking his face. The recent development of facial hair made Eddy ecstatic; he’d been waiting for years to sport this milestone sign of maturity. Little had Edd known before then that the tiny pricks from Eddy’s upper lip would set fireworks off in his brain.  Both boys continued to explore one another’s topographies with their hands; Eddy went straight for Edd’s lower back. He knew the banana arch of Double D’s back was a treasure trove of nerves that always caused Edd’s weak little legs wobbling and knees knocking in pleasure. Edd on the other hand cupped the prickly pink cheeks of his friend as they continued laying savory kiss after savory kiss on each other’s lips.

They came for air, giddy and grinning wide, faces heated and eyes heavily lidded.

“Hey you,” Eddy huffed the words like an arrow aimed at the gap in Edd’s teeth. Both smiled wider. Then, the boy in the hat took a step back, hands still cupping the pink one’s cheeks and left thumb tenderly swaying across the surface.

“If you don’t mind, I will need to excuse myself to use the lavatory and to change into something more comfortable. You are welcome to settle yourself more agreeably” Edd stated as he released the hold on Eddy and walked over to one of his dressers. Eddy’s smile dropped and his eyes widened, an expression unseen by his companion. He did not turn until he heard footsteps exit the room.

A scheming grin crept on Eddy’s face. Swiftly, he turned to close the door. He had work to do.

Edd’s steps patted softly down the hallway, cushioned by the spongy soles of his footy pajamas. He arrived at his closed door and softly knocked.

“Eddy. Would entrance be permitted?”

Sounds of movement could be heard in the room, shuffling feet and stumbling then the rustling of items and clanking noises. Edd leaned his ear towards the door to better hear.

“Eddy?”

“Uh, yeah? Ho- hold on… just a sec!”

The inkling that Eddy was arranging a practical joke of some sort crossed Double D’s mind. He was getting anxious at the thought of somebody, especially the perpetually-scheming Eddy, rummaging through his room and destroying the meticulous order of everything inside. Outside the door, Edd fumed, riddled with anxiety and annoyance.

“Eddy, allow me access to my room.”

The only response came in the form of the ambiguous noises on the other side of the door. Edd’s patience was wearing thinner. Maybe if he was more urgent…

“I repeat, allow me to enter my bedroom this instance!”

“Did ya hear me or what? Slow your roll.” Eddy barked back. The noises continued, taunting Edd who could not see what their cause was. At that moment he grabbed for the doorknob as his nerves took over his sense of manners. Then again, manners were not reserved for those that trifled through his possession in his own residence.

The door swung open.

“Eddy!”

“Hey!” Eddy yelled back defensively. After recovering from Eddy’s shrill yell, Double D stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes widened as he scanned the room, attentive to the changes. None of his items were rearranged but instead the floor and a majority of surfaces were littered with candles, mismatched and nearly three-fourths of them lit. Eddy stood at the foot of the bed, a candle in one hand and lighter in the other. To no avail, he swung his hands behind his back to hide the items.

“Get out!”

“Pardon?! I believe an explanation is in order?”

“Why are you wearing THAT?”

Edd looked down at himself, and with furrowed brows gazed back at Eddy.

“My night attire may not be pleasing to you but I implore once again on the happenings of this room. Do you know how hazardous it is to have a large quantity of open flames in small proximity?”

Eddy stomped over to Edd, brushing passed his shoulder and slamming the door behind them. Double D crossed his arms and looked to Eddy for an answer.

“But why the footy pajamas? Why!?” Eddy groaned.

Eddy’s side-stepping of the issue exasperated Edd, who then leaned over to the nearest candle on his night stand and blew it out.

“Don’t blow em out! I’m gonna have to light em all over. Anyway, I can’t understand why you thought putting that… thing on was a good idea.”

Eddy now crossed his arms and cocked his left eye-brow up, giving Edd a critical up-and-down.

“I don’t suppose you surmised we would remain in our day-clothing the entire night. Was it not evident that I…” Double D stopped short in his sentence. Frozen in lecturing stance, finger stilled raised and mouth agape, the reality of the situation settled in by his own words and by the flickering candles. Further suggestion was made when Eddy gave his companion a trademark mischievous smile that hinted at the accidental verbal cue. In that moment, the weight of the situation hit the taller of the two boys.

“Oh dear. Oh…” Edd grabbed onto the nightstand for support. His heart was racing. Sweat was running from beneath his hat and down his face. He babbled nonsense for a few seconds before, breathlessly, making coherent sentences.

“You are suggesting that we… Tonight? Copulate? I- I was certainly not under pretense to believe we would- How extemporaneous! How-”

Edd was cut off by the clicking of a button. He hadn’t even noticed during his nervous ranting that Eddy had placed a tape in a boom-box, both items seemingly apparating from nowhere. Eddy stood with his finger over the play button as the sound of Barry White’s sensual grunt cued the intro to “Never, Never Gonna Give You Up”.

Eddy didn’t catch much of what Edd was saying. He was getting lost in the words he didn’t know, which Double D used especially under stress which never helped. He seemed a little nervous but that was normal, Eddy thought. He closed in on the taller Edd. He placed the boom-box on Edd’s desk, accidently knocking the text “Theoretical Physics and You?” off. He no sooner was on top of his prey.

“Guess it’s the kind of thing we should be doing, don’t ya think?” The shorter teen ran his finger down the heaving and palpitating chest of the other. Devilish eyes met with flustered and surprised ones.

“Look at it this way, Double D; we’re in your room, it’s the dead of the night, just me and you. I set the candles up, we do a little smoochin’ and neckin’ and foolin’ around and BAM!…” Double D flinched slightly and emitted a surprised squeak, not only from Eddy’s booming onomatopoeia but from the abrasive… invasive… mental image. “Should go over without a hitch, don’t you think? Why else would ya want me here?”

“To spend time with you! Alone time, yes, but I fail to recall mentioning…” Edd’s eyes shifted back and forth and covering his mouth whispered “…sexual intercourse” lest his parents should over-hear their bickering. Heavens, if they ever heard pleasurable moans and the creaking of the mattress… Edd couldn’t bear to think of it!

“Hold on. So that’s a “no”?” Eddy asked, confused.

“Oh, well. Eddy… I- I don’t really…” Edd trailed off. He was confused too, mostly from being taken by surprise. Eddy, on the other hand, was deflated. Stumped. What he thought to be a straightforward invitation turned out to be a dud.

“Yeah, what’s a guy supposed to think when their asked to come over?” retorted Eddy, attempting to keep his voice lowered. A good amount of built up energy was raging inside the short teenager whether that energy be from unsatisfied sexual gratification or from the rejection overall. Most likely both. He trodded over to the far end of Edd’s bed and sat. The built up energy translated in his posture; Eddy hunched over, legs wide, elbows resting on each thigh, and hands clasped tightly together, wringing the fingers between one another.

“If you ain’t ready” he kept his gaze down between his feet on the floor, “then fine. Guess I was kind of an idiot thinkin’ you’d want to do it.” The hunched figured scrunched tighter into itself. Eddy’s hand reached up to rub the back of his neck, then to swiftly slick through his styled hair. Edd, standing beside the night-stand topped by the snuffed candle he’s blown out minutes ago, took a deep breath for composure. A moment of heavy silence fell between them. Releasing the air from his lungs with a sigh Edd took a cautious step forward. Eddy grabbed the brim of his nose, eyes closed tight and eyebrows tensed. Edd noticed and gave the silence a few more seconds. Well, not exactly silence. Barry White was still singing in the background, but not much longer as he was cut short by Edd’s finger. He took the few steps to his bed and stood beside Eddy.

“May I?”

“It’s your bed, Sockhead.”

It wasn’t the approval to sit on his own bad that he needed but the knowledge that Eddy was willing to begin a discussion. Edd hoped it wouldn’t flare either of their tempers, at least not considerably. Eddy wished his hormones would take a breather. The teenager clad in footy pajamas took his place on the bed’s edge, seated with a tall and straight back and one leg tucked beneath the other. Crossed hands resting on the top knee supported the long upright torso. Edd turned to the hunched over Eddy, cleared his throat, and began.

“Eddy?”

A groan acted as a reply, as the boulder-like Ed planted his face into his palms. Eddy couldn’t bring himself to look up. Hell, he was embarrassed, flustered, horny, angry! He was feeling more things than he wanted to and trying to keep it mostly under cap. If that meant not looking at the face that drove him wild in more ways than one he had no choice but to continue clasping his eyelids shut. It wasn’t easy as Double D persisted, coaxing and coaxing, purring Eddy’s name, finally reaching out a reassuring hand to his forearm. Eddy was always shocked by how electric soft touches could be. It was a mixture of insecurity of being touched and yearning to be touched, though he’d never admit it. That was enough to get his eyes to meet Edd’s.

“Now, Eddy... A discuss is in order. Incorporating more intimate sexual activity and divulging into the act of intercourse are two topics of substantial gravity. Wouldn’t you agree?”

Eddy noticeably became a bit redder in the face.

“Shit. Yeah, Romeo! But I don’t see what we need to talk about. I get what happened. I made a mistake, you don’t want to do it, and y’know what? I can wait. We’ll wait till then. Right?”

“Correct, Eddy, but wh-”

“So what’s to discuss? That’s it, right?”

Eddy looked at Edd with scrutinizing eyes. Edd felt the weight of the look and bit at his lower lip.

“Well…”

“Well?”

Another moment of tense silence fell upon the boys. Both were energized with nerves. Eddy was clearly ready to drop the discussion but Double D knew it was in both their best interests to continue. Years of practice kept him patient, though he had to admit Eddy had improved considerably when it came to listening and containing his outbursts. He was appreciative of his efforts, despite how much discomfort that meant for Eddy. That didn’t mean they stopped fighting completely.

“I intend to state an intuition, a hypothesis if you will. I am not expecting you to take it well so, if need be, take appropriate mental preparation … or physical precaution.”

The sound of whatever this was already made Eddy boil a bit, but he brought his insides down to a simmer. He rolled his eyes, lulling his head and gaze to Edd with an expression on his face reading ‘wouldn't I like to know’. Edd readjusted his weight slightly. He gulped his drying tongue before letting the words spill.

“I don’t believe you are ready for sex.”