#laptops are not good for gaming for this exact reason

[grumpy-bat-central]

if your computer FRIES running anything then it's a problem with your computer. A properly working computer will NEVER get damaged from running a program (unless said program is a virus that overrites built-in protections, and there have been one or two instances of games doing that because they were so incompetently made). A computer WILL ALWAYS safely shut down if things start to go to shit, and ideally it will never even reach that point. That's why we have features like thermal throttling. If anything burns/melts/stops working, that's because your computer got pushed to a degree it never should have. It would've had to have extremely poor or broken power management and/or cooling.

A GAME CANNOT MELT YOUR HARDWARE UNLESS YOUR HARDWARE IS ALREADY FUCKED UP

you genuinely don’t have to increase graphics in games anymore. I don’t have a spaceship to run this on. My previous laptop blew up trying to run animal jam. I was more than happy with Skyrim graphics and portal 2 looks breathtaking to me. I just want to be able to play your game. I don’t want to see their pores and uncannily delineated teeth. One time fallout 4 crashed so hard it basically uninstalled itself from my computer. Ffxiv completely fried my laptops motherboard and I just kept playing ffxiv anyway. For where else would I go? Who else could I love but you

[supernovafics]

series masterlist | last part — next part

pairing: modern!college!steve harrington x fem!reader, bestfriend!eddie munson x fem!reader

word count: 5.4k words

warnings: explicit language, a bit of violence (kinda?) (only mentioned and barely even described), some angst

summary: you don’t know why you avoid telling everyone that you and steve are “broken up,”  but you do. and you don’t realize how much of a bad idea that is until way too late

CHAPTER FIFTEEN | ❝𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒐𝒖𝒕❞

Fall Semester 2016

“Who’s the guy again?” 

“I met him at the library. He asked to borrow my laptop charger and then when he was handing it back he asked for my number, and he texted asking to hang out,” You quickly explained as you slipped on your jacket and then turned to look at Eddie, who was sitting at your desk.

You weren’t particularly excited about the date, but you were excited to do something that you hadn’t done in a long time, and the smallest part of you could admit that you were doing this to try and be completely over Eddie. Your feelings being pushed and buried away were one thing, but if you were actually able to date someone else that had to mean that there definitely wasn’t anything else there. At least, that was what your mind told you, and it sounded somewhat logical.  

“If it sucks and you wanna get out of it, just call me,” Eddie told you.

“Robin already has that job,” You said. “We have a code word and everything.” 

He laughed a little. “What’s the code word?” 

“Dolphin.”

“That’s very random.” 

“Yes, and that makes it a more believable code word.” 

“Okay, makes sense,” He nodded. “Anyway, if she somehow ends up not answering, I will.” 

You doubted that would happen— you hadn’t known Robin for that long, but you already knew that she was very reliable. Still, though, you nodded at Eddie’s words because you liked how much he cared. It didn’t necessarily surprise you, but it still warmed your heart all the same. “Okay.” 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

Spring Semester 2018

It was the book that was making you cry right then. Nothing else. 

And maybe that wasn’t entirely true, but it felt like the easiest explanation. 

You reread the last page a few more times before finally closing the book and setting it on your desk. It was the same book that you’d been reading in Mexico with Steve a few days ago. 

He was right about the ending— the son died, and it happened right after he and the dad finally got in a good place. Of course, he’d been right.

A part of you wanted to text him and tell him that, but you didn’t. Instead, you kept silently crying— trying to remember the last time a book made you this emotional, but deep down knowing that it really wasn’t just the book. 

You didn’t get the chance to force yourself to face the exact reasoning behind your tears before there was a knock on your slightly cracked open door and Robin was walking in a second later. 

“Hey, I have two things I need to tell you. One is a question from Talia, who is too lazy to get out of bed right now, and the other is very fun news,” She stopped when she noticed you crying. “Woah, shit, you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m fine. I just finished reading this book and the ending was pretty sad,” You answered, haphazardly pushing your tears away with the sleeves of the sweater you were wearing. “What’s up, though?”

“Is Steve coming to game night on Monday? Talia wants to decide on teams now because she doesn’t want to get stuck with Eddie again.”

“Oh, um, me and him broke up…” The words felt so weird coming from your lips and you suddenly wondered if it had been stupid to not tell her and everyone else sooner. Instead, over the last few days, you simply didn’t talk about him because the timing never felt right enough to say what you should’ve said.

“Wait, what?” The confused look on Robin's face was easy to read. “Is that why you’re actually crying right now?”

You quickly shook your head. “No, no, it was just about the book. The Steve thing doesn’t even matter to me.”

“So, what happened? And when? Was it the trip? Did he hurt you? Do I need to kill him?”

You couldn’t help but laugh a little at how fast she was talking as she sat down at the foot of your bed. You turned to face her. “No, you don’t need to kill him, and yes, it happened right when we got back. We just realized that we want different things.” You shrugged halfheartedly. “Sorry, it took me so long to tell you; I know it’s only been a few days, but still. I just didn’t really wanna think about it, I guess.”

“It’s fine, that makes sense,” She assured you. “I know you and him weren’t dating for long but you two were really cute together.”

Hearing her say that, pulled at something in you for a second, but then you remembered that that just meant that you and Steve had been really good actors, pretenders, liars.

“Oh, what was the other thing you wanted to tell me?” You asked, shifting the subject. “You said fun news?”

Robin nodded. “Oh, yeah, I just found out about this party tonight at this girl’s lake house that’s an hour away. You wanna come?”

“I’m not really in a party mood,” You answered after the briefest moment of hesitation. It probably would’ve been good to get out of the apartment and actually do something that didn’t involve lounging on the couch in the living room, like you’d been doing since you got back from Mexico, but you couldn’t imagine leaving the confines of your room right then. “Sorry.”

“No, that’s understandable,” Robin told you. “I know you said that you’re fine about the breakup, but is there anything you want right now? We can watch a shitty movie, and Vickie will probably be okay with you having the last of her mint chocolate chip ice cream.”

You shook your head at her suggestions. “No, I’m okay, honestly. But, thanks, though.”

She smiled at you. “Of course, no problem. What are friends for if not someone to do cliche breakup stuff with? We could also burn any pictures you have of Steve, or throw eggs at his car, or key it?”

You laughed at that. “Great ideas, but hard no to all of them.”

“Okay, well, once you get to the anger stage of your grief, I’ll happily revisit any of those ideas with you.”

“There are no stages and there is no grief,” You told her as she got up from your bed. “I’m completely okay.”

“You’re voluntarily staying in on a Saturday night. I don’t know if I would call that “completely okay.””

“This is very normal behavior for me.”

She considered your words for a second. “Okay, yeah, maybe that’s true.” 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

It was the first time that the silence within the apartment felt okay. It actually wasn’t completely silent, you were watching a movie on the couch, but you were alone and felt entirely fine with that. 

You could feel yourself slowly falling asleep— head against one of the throw pillows and blanket pulled over you and it didn’t even really matter to you that it wasn’t even eleven o’clock yet— when there was a knock on the door. 

Weirdly enough, your immediate thought was that it was Steve, mainly because you knew that everyone else who could’ve been at the door right then was at a party an hour away.  

Instead, though, when you opened the door with your blanket still wrapped around you, it was Eddie standing there.

“Hey, I assumed you went with everyone to that lake house thing,” You said, pushing the door open further to let him in. 

“Robin mentioned it to me, but I had already planned on meeting up with a couple people from one of my classes at some bar,” He responded and you nodded as you closed the door behind him. 

You looked at him for a second. There was something weird about his demeanor right then. It seemed like something was wrong, and that quickly worried you because you couldn’t easily tell what that something was.

“Is everything okay?”

He shook his head, and for a few moments that was the only response you got, but then he was saying, “Not really.” 

“You’re being so–” You stopped mid-sentence when you finally noticed his right hand, how red and bruised it was. “Oh, shit, what the hell happened to your hand?”

“It looks worse than it feels,” He said, giving you a small smile. “Okay, actually, it feels pretty bad too.”

You dropped your blanket on the couch and then went over to the kitchen, grabbing one of the few small hand towels that sat next to the stove and then pulling some ice out of the freezer. 

“Come here,” You told him as you put the ice in the towel and made some sort of makeshift ice pack. Eddie joined you in the kitchen and you grabbed his bruised hand, softly placing the towel on top of it. You looked up at him. “What happened?”

He was quiet for way too long; things became almost unbearably quiet. You lightly nudged him with your foot. “Eddie.” 

He broke your gaze, looking down instead. “Fuck, it really sucks that I have to tell you this. I’m sorry.”

Hearing him say that only confused you further. “Tell me what?”

“I also saw Steve at the bar I was at…” Eddie started and then trailed off for a second. The look on his face made it seem as if the next thing he was about to say to you was going to be the most devastating thing ever. “And he was making out with some girl.”

“Oh,” Was all you said at first because you didn’t really understand why Eddie was telling you that right then and why he made it sound like the biggest deal in the world. And then, after the briefest of seconds, you were quickly realizing. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie told you, thinking that your “oh” was a sad one. “I wish I did a lot more than just punch him, but the security at that place is actually good so they immediately threw me out.”

Given what you two were currently doing in your kitchen, you should’ve expected Eddie to say that, but it still surprised you so much that you could feel your eyes widen. “What? You punched him?”

“Of course I did,” Eddie said, like it had been an obvious choice. “I saw him cheating on you.”

You dropped your hands from his and immediately covered your face. “Oh my god. I can’t believe you did that.”

“Please don’t try to defend him right now. I know you really like him, probably even love him, but what he did is so fucked up.”

You were shaking your head and kept your hands covering your face as you said, “He didn’t cheat on me.” 

“I’m sorry,” You heard Eddie say. “But, I promise you I know what I saw. I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t a thousand percent sure. I also wouldn’t have punched him if I wasn’t sure.”

You could’ve simply told him that you and Steve were broken up just like you told Robin earlier, but you suddenly felt tired of lying, and for once, telling the truth genuinely felt easier. 

You dropped your hands from your face and looked at Eddie. “He didn’t cheat on me because we're not together. We were never really together.” 

It surprisingly felt like so much of a relief to say it out loud, to finally be honest, so you kept going. “It was all fake; the entire relationship. And I’m so sorry for lying to you and to everyone. This entire thing ended up being so stupid and the worst idea ever. But, I don’t know, at first I thought it could be kinda good. And Steve thought so too; he was the one to suggest it actually, and he also had his own reasons for wanting to do this fake dating thing. I figured this could be the best way to do something about my feelings for you without outwardly admitting how I felt and potentially fucking up our friendship in the process, and I wouldn’t have to live in the unknown anymore like I’ve been since freshman year. And just for a second it seemed like it actually was working, and maybe you did feel something back. But then we had that conversation on your fire escape and I knew then that you’d never see me as anything more than as your best friend. It kinda hurt finally realizing that, but eventually it felt okay, though.” 

You let out a breath and inwardly felt as if the biggest weight had just been lifted off of your shoulders.

“You liked me?” That wasn’t exactly what you expected to hear Eddie say in response to your word vomit, but it made sense; it was the big “why” behind everything you did for the last month.  

“Yeah, sorry, I guess I kinda glossed over that part in my super long-winded explanation,” You said, a sudden shyness hit you and you looked away from him. “I did. I was stupidly in love for a really long time. I finally got over it after we had that conversation, though. But, I still had to fulfill my side of the deal I had with Steve, so I did that in Mexico and when we came back, that was it. Life was back to normal. But I was a fucking idiot and didn’t tell you that me and him were “broken up,” so here we are now.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said, a soft look on his face. “I’m sorry I didn’t know how you felt. I’m sorry I couldn’t see it.”

“No, please don’t be sorry. This is all on me. I did all of this complicated shit instead of simply talking to you about everything,” You said, leaning back against the counter. “Because you were so right that day, we are just meant to be best friends. That's the way that we’re supposed to be in each other’s lives. I get that now.”  

He got quiet again, probably still processing everything that you had just told him, which you had to admit was a lot. 

“Are we okay?” You asked when the silence started becoming too much to bear. “Did this fuck everything up like I thought it would?” 

Eddie shook his head at your questions. “Of course not. You could never fuck things up between us, and I feel really bad that you ever thought that you could, and I also wish that I had felt the same way about you… I do love you. It’s just…”

The smallest part of you expected to feel hurt finally hearing the rejection, but surprisingly you didn’t. “Just not in that way. I know. It’s okay. Please don’t feel bad. I know that we shouldn’t be together. I’ve accepted that,” You told him. “And I really wanna say that we should just forget this entire conversation ever happened because it would make things a lot easier and I’d also feel a lot less embarrassed if we did, but I don’t think we should do that. This may sound weird, but it actually feels kind of good having the truth out in the open.”

“Okay,” He said with a nod.

You looked back down at his hand and the towel covering it. 

“How’s it feeling?” You asked, slightly shifting the subject. 

“Better, kinda. The ice feels good,” He answered and then let out something that sounded like a breath of a laugh and a scoff in disbelief as he shook his head. “Jesus Christ, I can’t believe I punched him.”

“Me neither. But thank you for defending my honor, I guess?”

He smiled at you; a genuine smile that let you know that things were actually okay between you two. “Anytime.” 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

“So, everything with Steve was fake,” Eddie said when you two were settled on the couch, the movie you had put on earlier still playing. His words sounded slightly like a question, but also like he was still just trying to make sense of everything that you had previously told him.

“Yes, and let’s wait at least a month before we start joking about this. I need to let my poor bruised ego heal first,” You responded, dramatically pressing your hands to your heart, a small smile on your face. 

Eddie laughed a bit. “Deal.” 

And you expected that to be that. Everything was out in the open and everything was fine. You still had to tell everyone else the truth, but you knew that would end up being okay too. And once you did tell everyone, everything could all be put in the past and you could finally move on from it. There wouldn’t be anything lingering or festering; no “what ifs” or whatever else. 

“Can I ask something?” Eddie asked, voice getting soft again, and you nodded in response, unsure where he was going to go with his question. “Was it hard keeping how you felt a secret? I’m trying to think about if the roles were reversed, and I don’t think I would’ve been able to keep it from you.” 

“Honestly, sometimes it was hard, but also not really. And I know that’s kind of a contradictory answer, but it’s true,” You answered, somehow finding it so easy to be honest now. “For the most part, my feelings were shoved to the side and I pretended that they weren’t there. Like, when you were dating Chrissy, because I obviously didn’t wanna get between what you two had, and when you two broke up, because I knew that you weren’t ready for anything new. They still lingered deep down, though. And it was always random moments when I would get reminded that they were still there. But, keeping our friendship intact always felt more important than admitting anything because I love our friendship.”

He nodded understandingly. “I love it too.”

“Okay, this is kind of random, but do you remember that frat party we went to freshman year right before winter break?” You asked, and before he could say anything in response, you continued, forcing yourself to say what you had never said out loud before. “We were both stupidly drunk, and at one point— I think it was right before we were about to leave— you got, like, pushed into me by some random person, and we were standing really close, and then we, uh, kissed.”

The surprised look on his face was entirely expected. “I vaguely remember the party. But, I don’t remember the kiss, though. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. When we talked about the party the day after, you basically said that it was all kind of a blur to you, so that’s what I figured. I wasn't entirely sure if you didn’t remember it, so a part of me had wanted to ask back then, but in that moment I thought it was just easier to let it go.” 

It was almost startling how honest you were being with him right then— saying things that you didn’t think you’d ever admit out loud— and how perfectly okay it all felt. And weirdly enough, this also felt like the most honest you’d ever been with yourself too. 

“Thinking about it now,” You continued. “That probably should’ve been the moment that I let myself get over you. Because I could’ve told you about the kiss right then and there, but I didn’t want whatever your response would be— whether it be a rejection or whatever else— to change anything between us. And it was the same thing when we came back from break, and I was so close to admitting everything to you, but you told me that you and Chrissy were together first. I probably should’ve still told you then. And maybe I never did because deep down I always knew that nothing should change between us. I don’t know… A part of me is still trying to make it all make sense. But then, at the same time, I've been trying to avoid it all and not think about it.” You sighed. “The last couple of weeks have been pretty weird and confusing.”

“Maybe it’s not supposed to easily make sense, or make sense at all. And I know that’s probably a shit response, but…” Eddie trailed off and then shrugged after a moment. 

“No, I get what you mean,” You said, nodding at his words, and then you thought about something. “Honestly, the only thing that has ever really made sense with us is this. Watching movies together, listening to music, talking about unserious things, and also talking about the most serious things ever; stuff I never thought to tell anyone else.” You smiled at him. “Oh, and getting stuck in elevators together too.” 

He smiled back at you before saying, “The elevator thing sadly only happened once.” 

“We can try to recreate it one day.”

“Great idea,” Eddie responded with a nod. “The elevator in that building is still probably shitty.” 

“So true. And if not, we can just start jumping in it and that’ll probably do the job.”

“Or it will kill us.”   

You couldn’t help but laugh at that and Eddie laughed too and then winced as he readjusted the towel on his hand. 

That was what made you finally think about Steve. Was he even okay? 

And then you immediately felt like shit for not considering that question sooner. 

You abruptly got up from the couch and headed into your room before Eddie could question you. You grabbed the Advil bottle from your bathroom and then tossed it over to him when you walked back out into the living room. 

“For the pain. Take two of these and try to go to sleep. You can even take my bed if you wanna,” You told him and then headed to the fridge to grab a bag of frozen vegetables from the freezer. “I'm gonna go check on Steve. And yes, I’m stealing your van.”

Eddie pulled his keys out of his jacket pocket and handed them over to you. There was an amused look on his face. “When’s the last time you drove?”

“Don’t question my driving skills right now, Munson,” You said as you slipped the keys into the pocket of the sweatpants you were wearing and then grabbed the first zip-up hoodie you saw hanging on one of the hooks by the door. “Goodnight.” 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

It wasn’t until you were standing outside the door of Steve’s apartment that you realized that maybe he wasn’t even here. He’d been on a date, or at least, with someone when Eddie saw him, so there was a chance that he was still with her. 

Still, though, you knocked. And, surprisingly enough, he answered.

His face— more specifically, his left eye— looked bad; very bruised, and already settled into the dark red and purplish color that it would probably be for the next few days. 

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry,” You said, immediately handing over the frozen peas you had in your hand; they obviously weren’t as cold as they were before the twenty-minute drive to get here, but they still felt good enough. “All of this is my fault. It completely slipped my mind to tell Eddie that we “broke up.” I didn’t tell anyone, actually, except for Robin, but that was just today. I’m really sorry. The last few days have been weird.”

Steve gave you a small smile that felt entirely undeserved and he pushed the door open further so that you could walk into his apartment. “It’s okay.” 

You shook your head. “It’s really not. You have a black eye because of me being an idiot.”

“This would be the part where I’d say that you should see the other guy to prove that this isn’t as bad as it looks, but you’ve already seen him, so that doesn’t really work in this situation,” Steve told you jokingly and you shook your head, giving him a small smile back. You still felt like shit, but at least he didn’t seem to hate you for causing all of this. “How did you get here?” 

“I drove Eddie’s van. He came to my place after it happened,” You said and Steve nodded understandingly. “You’re right, though. His hand looks worse than your eye.” You weren’t entirely sure if that was even true— in all honesty, their injuries probably looked about the same on the bad scale— but it felt like the right thing to say at this moment. “I told him everything, by the way. About our whole relationship being fake and me doing it because I had feelings for him.”

Steve looked as if he didn’t expect to hear you say that. “How did that go?”

“Surprisingly good,” You answered honestly. He gave you an almost congratulatory-looking smile in response and you quickly shook your head. “No, not good in that way. He doesn’t feel that way about me. And I knew that. There was this conversation that I had with him before all of this that kind of solidified that for me. It wasn’t some huge moment where he outwardly said that he didn’t like me, but it gave me the push I needed to finally accept that me and him are only meant to be friends. I don’t even feel any other way about him now.” You let out a sigh before letting out a different part of the truth. “I kinda lied to you in Mexico and the days leading up to it. I knew the truth about everything then, but I felt too embarrassed to tell you and I also just really didn’t want to think about it.”

“Shit, I’m sorry this didn’t work for you,” He sounded so genuine about it and gave you a sad look that reminded you of exactly what you didn’t want to happen. 

You shook your head. “Don’t do that. Please don’t feel sorry for me.” 

“I was the one that kept telling you from the beginning that this was gonna work so now I feel kinda bad that it didn’t.” 

“Okay, yeah, that’s true but it doesn’t matter now,” You told him. “And just because this didn’t work for me doesn’t mean that I regret it— I honestly don’t regret it. It was dumb and a waste of time for me, but still, I don’t really regret it. Also, you got what you wanted out of this, right?”

Steve nodded after a second. “Yeah, I actually talked to my mom yesterday and she asked about you and I told her that we broke up.”

“Did you make me a cheater?” 

“Yeah, and I think she actually feels bad. But, we’ll see in a week or two if she brings up the Hamptons,” He answered. “I kind of doubt that she will, though. I tried to seem really upset about everything.” 

“I wish I could’ve been there for that phone call. I would’ve loved to see your acting skills.”

He smiled at your joking words. “They were fantastic.”

“Good,” You responded. “So, no finding your future wife this summer?” 

“Hopefully not.”  

“Congratulations,” You told him. “And you’re welcome for me being the greatest girlfriend during the Mexico trip.”

“I don’t know if I should thank you since I do have a black eye now because of you.”

You could tell he was joking, but you still decided to play into it. “Wow, so, you are mad at me for that!”

He playfully rolled his eyes at you. “I was kidding.”

“It’s okay to be mad at me. It would be deserved, honestly. And I’d completely understand if you hate me now. You should hate me.”

He gave you a serious look, but there was still the smallest smile on his face. “Stop.” 

You held up your hands in mock surrender. “Fine, fine. I did just give you a bag of sort of frozen peas to help with your eye, so I feel like you can’t be that mad at me, anyway.”��

“And I will cherish this bag of peas for the rest of my life,” He told you as he placed them over his bruised eye and you could only laugh at that. 

A comfortable silence lingered for a second, and it was what let you know that this should probably be it. It had barely been ten minutes, but you’d done everything that you felt as if you needed to do— you checked on him, made sure he was okay, and told him the truth— there was nothing else to do. 

But, instead of saying something equivalent to the simple “Goodbye” that should’ve left your lips right then, you said, “Can I stay for a bit?” 

“Yeah, sure,” Steve answered with a nod.

“You got throw pillows,” You pointed out as you sat on his couch. You grabbed one of the two gray pillows and placed it in your lap. 

“Yeah, somebody once told me that my couch looked sad and lonely,” He said and that made you smile.

“Still no curtains, though,” You responded, gesturing to the windows.

“One day I’ll get around to it.”

You gave him a quick nod. “Got it.” 

Steve put on a show that you both had seen before and things were quiet for a bit as you rewatched the familiar episode. 

“Oh, you were sadly right, by the way,” You abruptly said, turning to look at him. “I finished the book and the son did die.”

“Oh, yeah, I know. When we got back I wanted to find out what happened, so I finished reading it.”

Hearing that surprised you, and it also made you inwardly smile. “Really?”

“Mhm,” Steve nodded and then gave you a certain look. “You cried at the end, didn’t you?”

“Of course I did. I really didn’t think that he would die,” You answered. “And shut up, don’t judge me about it.” 

“I promise I wasn’t gonna.”

“I don’t know if I believe you.” 

“Scouts honor.”

“And now I’m supposed to believe you were a boy scout?” You joked. “You don’t seem outdoorsy enough for that.”

“Ouch, I feel offended.”

You laughed as you turned your attention back to the TV. You noticed that the show playing was the same one that you and him had been watching before the power outage; a night that felt like forever ago. 

This moment felt like the exact opposite of that one. You remembered how weird things initially felt then between you two, or maybe that awkwardness had been entirely in your head. Either way, the main thing that was different here was that in that previous moment, you’d been stuck with him because of the storm and power outage, and in this moment, you weren’t stuck.  

It was then that you were hit with the thought of, What the hell were you doing here right now?

You two weren’t even really friends, you remembered. You reminded yourself of what Steve said that night a few days ago and what you two both agreed on from the beginning— going your separate ways once all of this was done and over. 

Everything that had happened this past month was fake. And even though you’d been able to recognize that, you had still let a part of you miss it; let yourself miss something that you knew you’d never be able to get back. For the past few days, you thought it was okay to let the smallest part of you feel that way— miss the faking and the pretending and the brief friendship that developed because of all of that. But maybe it wasn’t okay. Maybe it was only making things worse and more complicated. 

“Actually, I should go,” You abruptly stood up from the couch, placing the pillow back in the spot you picked it up from. You turned to look at Steve and forced a small smile that you hoped didn’t look that way. “This isn’t following the ‘going our separate ways’  rule.” 

He gave you a confused look for a second, and then he was nodding in agreement. “Yeah, you’re right.” 

“I know I was kinda joking about it before, but I really am sorry about all of this,” You said as you walked over to his door, turning to look at him before pulling it open. 

He shook his head. “Don’t be.” 

You decided against saying anything else right then and instead smiled at him one final time before forcing yourself to leave.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

next part!

taglist (lmk if you want to be added or taken off<333); @eddiernunson , @loulouloueh , @the-aster , @blckburd , @totally-bogus-timelady , @yujyujj , @irhdifartzamfyaa , @mochminnie , @munsonssweets , @blckbrrybasket , @xprloki , @definitionwanderlust , @dwcode , @sun-fiower-seed , @keerysfolklore , @damon-loves-pie , @lodeddiperrodrick , @bisexual-and-intellectual , @munsonburn3r , @negomi123 , @khena , @facexthexsunshine , @seatbacksandtraytables , @suckerfordylansstuff

(if your user is crossed out it means i can’t tag you</3)

[moodywyrm]

loser college barista ellie

physics major ellie williams who works part-time at an on-campus coffee shop, because somehow she has time for it? it's really just because she has a terrible sleep schedule and an unfair amount of natural academic talent (undiagnosed something!).

Ellie, who hates the smell and taste of coffee, working in a coffee shop. she'd never admit it, but part of it is because it reminds her of Joel and somehow that keeps her sane amidst her terrible workload. He comes to visit sometimes, and, every single time, Ellie sneaks him free black coffee.

Ellie, who does readings and homework during her shift, especially since she works the slow hours where pretty much everyone is in class. So like, 10am to 3pm.

Coincidentally, those are pretty much the exact times you have a break between your classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. And studying in the library gets Exhausting at some point, so you eventually shifted to studying at the coffee shop.

Ellie didn't really notice at first, because, honestly, being a physics major is full time job. She did however think you were very cute every time you came up to get your drink. You always smelled good, a welcome reprieve from the heavy coffee smell she dealt with for hours. The more you came, the more she noticed your clockwork schedule, your signature scent, the twinkle of the door chimes at almost exactly 10:15 every MWF.

Fuck, can you imagine being one of Ellie's regulars? Shout out to the anon who came in to tell me they'd became a regular at a coffee shop bc now this is ingrained in my mind. At some point, when she sees you approaching the shop, she just starts prepping your order.

she calls you by your name and you think she's so suave and attractive, but in reality she's freaking the fuck out on the inside. she gets nervous talking to pretty girls!! especially pretty girls that she sees every day at her work while she's wearing the nerdiest apron in the world.

she slowly but surely develops a debilitating crush on you, literally because she spends so much of her time looking over at you and seeing how intensely you study. you spend hours sitting there, switching between books and notebooks and your laptop, a cute little furrow living permanently between your brows. she takes note of the way your grip tightens around your pencil when you're frustrated, or the way you calm down when you open a book that has nothing to do with your studies. she also notes the longing looks you send towards the pastry case.

she had to be so brave about it, but one day she finally got the courage to bring you one of the pastries you kept staring at. doesn't even give you a chance to protest before she says "it's on the house" and scrambles back behind the counter to beat herself up because Who Says That! What if you didn't want that pastry or any pastry! What if you think she's a weirdo now!

She's literally driving herself insane, but she manages to look over at you and sees the little smile on your face as your bite into the treat. You light up, because it's so good and Ellie was so cute, and honestly that makes it all worth it for her.

I know in the second game Ellie doesn't eat much, likely as a result of all the trauma she experienced, and I think this would transfer over to a modern au in a less trauma-related way. She doesn't eat much when she's on campus for some reason! Which means she usually doesn't take advantage of the one free food item she gets on every shift, although she always take the free drink. Sometimes she'd give them to Dina or Jesse if they mentioned they hadn't eaten that day or were otherwise hungry, but on MWF, that treat is Yours.

What's funny and so loser of Ellie, is that, even when she's giving you a free pastry three times a week, she has yet to have a prolonged conversation with you. The routine is always small talk when you pay for and get your drink, and then pining stares when you sit down to study, a thank you when she brings you a treat, and a little goodbye when you head off to class. that's it. Dina 100% clowns Ellie for it because girl c'mon, you can feed her but you can't talk to her??

no. no she can't.

There's so much about you that just makes Ellie wanna go into the backroom and Scream. Like when you showed up with two friends and you were so vibrant you lit up the room. On your own you were always quiet, beautiful and quiet and relatively calm. But with you friends, you were so bright Ellie had to look away. And god, your laugh! She loves your laugh, and the way you look after your friends, buying their coffees and making sure they eat, helping them study. She already knew you were sweet, but god now you're downright angelic in her eyes.

Ellie is Enamored!! Infatuated!! Crushing so so so hard!!! and she doesn't know how to flirt with you :( what will she do!! (probably go to Dina about it) (but that's for another post <3) (that's all folks!)

[esamastation]

Shizuroth, part seven

-

First things first: a proper, decent and hopefully fully chest-covering shirt.

Sephiroth has them, and none of them fit. He has, literally, outgrown all his shirts, turtlenecks and jackets, and judging by the looks of it, he'd never bothered to get new ones. Even the stretchiest of them pops stitches when trying to accommodate his shoulders and chest! It's ridiculous! What, was he a little string bean of a man and then burst into a beefcake overnight?

Ignoring the influx of new messages from the mailing lists Genesis subscribed Sephiroth's phone to, he investigates the shops' menu with more detail. It soon proves he definitely has access to clothing stores and he definitely has the money to use them. He also has the means to just requisition a free new uniform from SOLDIER any time he wants, but apparently pressing a few buttons was too much work for the man! Better have your chest out and about than bother with the barest minimum of effort for the sake of personal comfort or public decency, apparently!

So, add laziness to the reasons why Sephiroth's outfit is like that. 

…Or maybe, possibly, some form of executive dysfunction? It might explain the room he's supposed to be living in, which is barely fitting for existing in. On a more thorough look, it really looks like everything was just placed just wherever with no care to how it looked or what the vibes were. It has a very that's good enough feel to it.

Except it isn't! It's awful! The place is barely better than a first year college dorm room! Not that he'd know what those look like, he had his own apartment by then - but still! You can do better, surely!

No, wait, actually - how old is Sephiroth right now?

The bathroom mirror isn't very helpful. Sephiroth has that same androgynous ageless look that Shen Qingqiu has - just much beefier and sorta monochrome. In xianxia terms he could be anywhere from twenty to two thousand, hah! Though from what he recalls of the game, weren't everyone kinda young? Old for JRPG, what with only one teenager in the main character group! But still way under thirties. And this is way before that….

Ahhh he misses fan wikis! He needs thoroughly documented timelines! He needs a birthday! He needs a character ID - he needs -!

Actually, Sephiroth should have some kind of ID, being an evil megacorp employee, right? An employee card, or what a SOLDIER might have. Dog tags?

Quickly he begins rummaging about his person again.

There are no dog tags, but Sephiroth does have a wallet and a bunch of cards. Including a Shinra Employee, Personnel Medical Information, Shinra Medical Research and Shinra Military cards. And Sephiroth is twenty-one, apparently. 

That's… hmm.

Yeah, he has no idea what to do with that - but it explains the awful dorm room vibe! Clearly the guy didn't have experience with how to live. And who knows how long Sephiroth has been living on his own anyway, and where and how he lived before. Plus, with his schedule, he can't be spending much time at all in this room. None, apparently, if he could manage it. And no wonder! The place is soul-suckingly awful.

Well, that's not how he's going to live, that's for sure. The shirtless life is not for him!

Hmm… ordering clothes and stuff without even seeing what they look like first, though…

Snapping the flip phone shut he goes to investigate the laptop, hoping that maybe they did figure out web sites after all. It turns on with gratifying swiftness and reveals itself to be a Windows knock-off from the nineties or something like that - with just about the same level of security. It doesn't even ask for a password! Convenient.

In a glowing example of video game redundancy created by developers being lazy, it has the exact same apps as his phone, just with a bigger keyboard. No internet, no websites, no games, nothing. And judging by the single folder on the computer, the only thing Sephiroth ever does with the thing is write mission reports. How sad.

It almost makes him miss Zhongdian.

The shops' menu comes with pictures, thankfully, so that's something - and it's conveniently hooked straight to his wallet, so all he has to do is  press buy and the thing is done, just like that! Videogame shop mechanics for you. He has no idea how the purchases would be delivered, maybe he will have to go pick them up at the building lobby or something, but whatever! He needs shirts, curtains, carpets, a couch, and a proper damn tea set to start with! And maybe, if he really goes crazy with it, some house plants!

Guessing at his size by using the tags on the shirts that don't fit, he puts in some dozen clothing orders for several different sizes to start with - and it barely makes a dent in his wallet. Then he scrolls through the available furniture in another store until he finds a couch big enough for Sephiroth's huge ass body to actually lie down on. Tea set is harder, there isn't one that matches his criteria, but he finds a home decor shop that sells teapots and sets of cups that will do for a start. Carpets are harder - who the hell decided that black ceiling was good for anyone - and ultimately he ends up choosing dark forest green.

And then he finds out that there are no live plants to be had in Midgar. There's a shop that sells life-like plastic replicas… but just looking at it makes him feel so sad. Because, yeah, right, he forgot.

Life-sucking megacorporation. Literally. The whole city is surrounded by dead desert, and you probably just can't keep houseplants alive in Midgar. Because Shinra is literally draining the lifeblood of the planet, and only the tragic heroine with mysterious lineage can make the flowers grow.

And he's her ultimate, poisonous antithesis. Yeah.

Depressing.

Leaning away from the disappointment of a computer, he heaves out a long sigh from Sephiroth's deep chest. The idea that he might never see living bamboo again makes him feel vaguely nauseous, and with a grimace he rests a hand on Sephiroth's washboard abs.

Energy sits like an undigested mass in his guts. He's all but bloated with the lifeblood of the planet. Ugh. He should really do… something with it, huh?

And then the awful Feng Shui hits him in the face.

"Ah," he mutters unhappily, eyeing the room. He can almost see the energy pooling in the middle, stagnating. That can't have been helping with Sephiroth's situation. He can't do much about it yet, not without more furniture - but he can at least move the damn bed and redirect the energy elsewhere!

Which he does.

By nearly flipping the metal frame of a probably really heavy bed over and almost throwing it into the wall.

Ah.

Right.

Super SOLDIER.

Tentatively he crouches down and tests his strength on the bed. By very carefully picking it up. Which is something he can do, apparently! It doesn't even strain him - he just puts his hands under it and lifts. Just like that. Amazing.

… Is this what it's like to be Liu Qingge? Wow.

He kinda feels sad for Liu-shidi now, for never getting to see - and fight - someone like Sephiroth. Poor Liu-shidi, always looking for a strong opponent to test himself against, always asking his useless shixiong for a spar, and here is his useless shixiong, in one of the greatest fighters in video game history - utterly out of reach! What a shame!

He arranges the bed away from the doorways and sits down on it with a heavy sigh.

Oh, but he will really miss Liu-shidi. The knowledge that he will never see him, or anyone else from Cang Qiong Mountain Sect again… it really is a shame. He didn't get to do enough in that life - but at least Liu Qingge survived! Hopefully… hopefully his life will be good. Hopefully Luo Binghe would forgive Cang Qiong Mountain Sect for their involvement with Shen Qingqiu, and they'd all live long, good lives… without him.

Ah, probably best not to dwell on it. He'd got a new transmigration, a new body and a new life to adjust to! New villain to embody - and a new doom to circumvent.

Kicking off his boots, he puts Sephiroth's feet up and into a lotus position, draws a breath and begins to see what he can do for the man's internal energies. Can cultivation practices be applied to Final Fantasy VII Mako and magic?

Time to find out.

[thebrawlerina]

I know you already shared some fanfic-related Colette headcanons, but what else do you think about her?

The Fan Queen herself! Heck yeah I have headcanons for her!

I'll try not to repeat anything I've said, but Im also not looking at a list so some things may be repeated

General Colette HC's

Colette is generally a messy person, but she can be organized if she really wants to. The Gift Shops stock room and her fan merch collection are very organized with pretty labels and everything. Her room however...

If Colette put in the effort, she'd actually be an amazing artist. But her mind runs a mile a minute and she just needs to captre the important parts in her sketches, so its all very messy and almost crack-posty in nature.

Colette is a nail biter and with her extremely sharp teeth, her nails look like a mess most of the time. Thats part of why she loves wearing oversized sleeves that cover her hands

The other reason she likes wearing oversized sleeves is because theyre just fun to play with. If shes bored and mildly annoyed with you, she will slap you playfully with her sleeves. Hopefully not her usual jacket sleeves though since there are buckles on that one...

Actually shes just a chewer in general. She often has a little rubber pen grip on her that she turned into a chew toy for when shes feeling anxious or (more likely) restless.

Colette is a Stationary fiend. She has so much stationary of so many things. She does use a good chunk of it (only saving a few pieces as 'remembrance') but she has so many of them that it just never seems to end.

Colette totally has stickers plastered all over her phone and her laptop (if she has one)

She also has a lot of phone charms dangling off her phone. There are so many charms on that thing that it makes for a viable weapon.

Now that Colette is a staff of the gift shope, she always gets TWO of every merch item they sell. One to keep as is and one to ask (read: badger) the brawler to sign. This can get super irritating to some but some love the attention.

She absolutely HATES scalpers. Mr. Griff tried pulling that off one time, and the others had to physically pry her off of him to get her to stop.

Colette is tortured with the knowledge of all the juicy scoops in the park, but not being able to post about it anywhere because it will be traced to her. Sometimes writing crack with the exact opposite news helps but not always.

Colette legitimately might be made of rubber. This girl is so flexible and regularly does weir poses that would make anyone wince in pain (unless of course they cannot feel that pain or can do it easily)

Colette has tattooed the little grafitti/spray design Otis made for her on herself. She tattooed it on her ribs to keep it 'as close to her heart without doing it on the chest' but she kind of wishes she got it on an arm so ist easier to show off (I HC that Otis makes all the brawler sprays as gifts)

Colette has mastered the art of reading naughty stuff in public. One time Willow tried to peek cause she was bored and she didnt interact with Colette for a full month after.

Colette is generally really open and expressive, so it throws people for a loop when she fools them by acting the exact opposite of what shes feeling. Usually this is just for a prank or game.

Colette has a dedicated notebook for wild conspiracy theories she sees in the fandom. She also regularly tries to test them out so she can (privately) confirm or debunk them.

[ronearoundblindly]

A, D, E for jimothy please? 🥺💕

Prompts from this dirty ask game, and since I am not able to make a story canonically accurate to time period or the location of The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond (plus I grew up in the South *gag* and don't want to relive it), this is for the Common Education, a modern AU, where Jimmy is finally taking advantage of his scholarship to NYU (not Ole Miss b/c *more gagging* sorry).

These asks do contain explicit description, so MINORS DNI.

A - Alone Time

I don't even care if this is a spoiler, but you catch him masturbating once, before you two ever even admit feelings for each other.

Jimmy's roommate, Steve, is an art history major taking several of your classes. Since Steve is sickly, you were kind enough to set up a video feed of your lectures, and Steve often plays them whenever he's feeling up to studying/reviewing. Jimmy is very used to hearing your voice come from the adjoining room of his dorm suite.

What he doesn't realize, as he's daydreaming about you laid out on one of those flimsy tables on the lecture hall platform, is you are actually visiting your student to see how Steve is doing. Jimmy isn't listening to the exact conversation; he's just thinking about you muttering quietly as he runs his hands over you.

And then Jimmy 'imagines' you saying his name, chanting it really, loudly because his touch feels so good, and he reaches his end with an "'m coming' out loud.

Which made you--who was actually knocking to say a quick hello to your former student--think it's okay to open the door, and he scrambles to cover himself in bed, mid-orgasm.

🥴 so get excited for that tale...

At the general store he took over from his drunk father back home, he only needed a computer that could calculate finances and contact suppliers, do some inventory tracking, etc. He didn't need a fancy laptop and he didn't need it at home, so Jimmy has never bothered much with porn. He had some casual girlfriends over the years, and Jimmy is...pretty good-looking. He never hurt for company.

Working 16 hour days regularly also left very little time to care about anything other than sleep.

D - Dominance

Jimmy might not be forward, but, yes, he is dominant. The largest population in his hometown was farm animals, and his own parents were a terrible example of a relationship. We are lucky he knows not to just mount someone he likes and stuff his dick in.

Jimmy was one of those men who didn't understand female pleasure until a knock-down, drag-out, drunk screaming fight with his ex at a bar. To be fair, how would he know he hadn't made her come if she faked it every time?

Anyway, he's dominant in the way that he's pretty raunchy in bed. He praises and coaches you as much as he orchestrates your position. He also does all this with respectful vocabulary but in an extremely dirty voice.

It's, uh... It's good. It's real good.

E - Extra Info

He has smoked for so long he has an oral fixation. Enjoys using his mouth on you very much. If he weren't quite vanilla in his sexual tastes, he'd probably realize there's a reason he loves you in a choker necklace. Just saying. Oh! And Jimmy go nuts over dainty, feminine things you wear. Lace panties are kinda his pinnacle of 'needs to fuck now' if he sees you wearing them.

He's never admitted to another living soul that he's had a fantasy about being cockwarmed while he stands behind the store cash register. Also, last but not least, Jimmy gets way more aggressively naughty during sex the fancier/nicer yours/his clothes are. I don't have an explanation for that, but I know it's a fact. So there. ��

Thank you for asking!

[Main Masterlist; Dirty Asks Masterlist; Ko-Fi]

[reigningqueenofwords]

Cyber Tag

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Part 2 of the Games We Play

For some reason, getting on at the same time lately had been difficult. You’d be logging off, just to see his name pop up, and vise versa. Sure, you would have loved to stay and chat, but you had work to do. So, you left each other little in game presents and notes.

Theinastus- Haven’t seen you on lately. I miss our flirting. Did you replace me with someone real? *gasps* I bought you a pie. I hope you like it!

-K

It wasn’t much, but it was something to let him know that you were thinking of him. You waited a few more minutes before calling it a night.

Dean groaned as he rolled over. “Remind me never to do that again.” He told his brother without opening his eyes.

Sam chuckled. “Which part? Going shot for shot with half the damn bar? Accepting drinks from a few hot chicks? Or getting up on stage and singing Girls Just Want to Have Fun. Which, by the way, I have on my phone.” He grinned.

“God, you suck.” He yawned, getting up. “Any new cases yet?” They’d just finished up in that town- hence the active drinking last night. None of which he remembered after the first hour. Which was probably a good thing.

“No, but I’m looking.” He shrugged, his eyes never leaving the laptop.

Finally, that evening, Dean felt well enough to keep his eyes open and logged on. He smiled softly at your note and sent you one in return.

Kanestinia-

You spoil me. I love me some pie. Did you know they make apple pie moonshine? Good stuff. Two birds with one stone. Anyways, I miss it, too. I’d never replace you! Did you replace me? I hope not. I bought you a rose, until we chat again.

-T

Hitting send, he went off to work on some quests.

This went on for three weeks until you finally saw him online. You were about to click his name when he sent you a message.

Theinastus- MY CYBER LOVE! Kanestinia- My cyber husband<3 Theinastus- I’ve missed you :( Kanestinia- And I, you. Theinastus- Busy life, I take it? Kanestinia- You have no idea. A lot of traveling- like 4 states or something? I lost track… Theinastus- We did a lot, too. What states?

That was brave. Neither of them ever discussed locations they were in before. But, he was feeling brave.

Kanestinia- Cali, Washington, Oregon, etc… that area. You? Theinastus- Holy shit. We might have passed each other! Or even spoken. How crazy is that? Kanestinia- That’s insane!!!

You stared at the screen, wondering what were the possibilities that the two of you were in the same states, at the same time, and had spoken? Slim, right?

Theinastus- Where are you headed next? Kanestinia- Nevada. Theinastus- …Boulder City.   Kanestinia- How’d you know?!? Theinastus- Lucky guess. Care to dress up like your character so I know it’s you if I see you? Or a sexy school girl? Kanestinia- You wish lol :P Theinastus- More like dream ;)   Kanestinia- Awe, shucks, you’re making me blush.

After a couple randoms together, you forced yourself to get off and get some sleep. You wanted to leave first thing in the morning, and that wouldn’t happen if you let yourself stay up flirting all night with him.

Dean had a silly smile on his face as Sam came out of the bathroom, hair wet from a shower. “She send you pictures or something?”

“No, nothing like that.” He grinned. She’s going to be in Boulder City.”

Sam’s eyebrows went up. “Really? Did you ask her out?!” He grinned, as his brother deserved to be happy.

With a sigh, Dean shook his head. “No. I’ve told you, I won’t.”

“They why are you out here grinning like a love-sick teenager?”

“Because, she’s been in the last few places we’ve been, and she’ll be in the next one, too. For a bite, we’re under the exact same sky.”

Sam stared at him. “Are you sure she isn’t a hunter, too?! And I think you should go find someone to go home with. Let them deal with you like this. It’s weird.” He teased.

When you realized how long it had been since you brought a man home from the bar, you sighed. You’d been so focused on your virtual man, that you neglected real life. It was your last night in Boulder, and you decided to have a couple drinks.

You walked in wearing a black t-shirt, cut off shorts, and sneakers. No need to doll it up too much. Your hair was left out, and your makeup minimal. You went straight to the bar and ordered a beer, and a shot.

“Two beers, please.” A tall man with hazel eyes ordered from a couple seats down.

Your eyes ran over him and you smirked. Taking your shot, you winked at him.

When he grinned, all you saw were pearly whites, and dimples. “Hi, I’m Sam.” He moved over and held out his hand.

“Y/N/N.” You shook it. “Nice to meet you, Sam.”

“Can I get you another shot?” He offered.

You sipped your beer, your eyes still on his. “Only if I get a dance out of you.” You countered.

“Why don’t you join me and my brother at our table? We can have a couple beers, and I’ll dance with you as much as you’d like to.”

Sliding off your stool, your body brushed against his. “Lead the way, handsome.” You chuckled, grabbing your beer.

[dr-futbol-blog]

Aurora, Pt. 4

Sheppard and McKay have joined Teyla and Ronon on one of the other decks by an empty pod that McKay is hooking up to his laptop, and it seems as though Sheppard and McKay are now engaged in a game of chess of a kind, in a game of strategy where they try to out-think the other. The main-text reading of the scene is that Sheppard is still thinking about what had happened in Trinity (S02E06), and like McKay suggested at the end of the episode, that Sheppard has lost faith in his abilities and is making McKay earn back his trust. That is what Sheppard explicitly tells McKay: he does not trust him.

Sheppard: Are you sure this is such a good idea? McKay: What's the matter, Colonel? Don't trust me? Sheppard: No. McKay: Fine!

Only, we saw earlier that Sheppard had perfect trust in McKay's abilities. The whole reason they are here in the first place is because Sheppard had faith in McKay's abilities. McKay had discovered the warship, told them where it was, how to get there, had given them life-support and they were now traipsing through the hull of the damaged ship on the faith that McKay had made it safe for them to do this. And during this scene, Sheppard was offering to have his brain connected to a virtual environment on the word that McKay believed it would be alright. Sheppard has faith in McKay's abilities. He also has no reason not to trust his intentions here, as McKay seems very much to be putting the risk only on himself, he is willing to do the potentially dangerous experiment on himself to spare anyone else from having to do it. He is not endangering anyone else except in the sense that Weir had suggested at the end of Trinity, that because McKay is so important to them it is by placing his own life in jeopardy he is also risking the lives of others.

Sheppard says "No" in response to McKay's question, and he says it with the tone of "Obviously not!" But which part of the question is he answering here? Sheppard had been forced to acknowledge the fact that he could not trust McKay following the events of Trinity. But it was not because McKay was untrustworthy, it was because he himself was untrusting. In Condemned (S02E05), the leader of the prisoners of the island who seemed to have a very keen insight into human nature had told Sheppard "You're very distrustful," where he had self-described himself as a "worrier" in the same episode, both descriptors in response to Sheppard wanting to keep the people he cares about safe. It is not just Sheppard who thinks that he has issues when it comes to trusting other people, even complete strangers can tell that about him.

And so, Sheppard's response to McKay's question is "No, I don't trust you," and where McKay clearly hears this as a judgement of his own trustworthiness, Sheppard intends it as an honest and open confession of his own inability to trust one of the most transparent, guileless, working hard to earn his approval, telegraphs his thoughts, feelings and intentions from space kind of people in the world. It is his issue, not McKay's, and he is trying to communicate to McKay by admitting this that he is trying to work on it. The incredulity in the way that he says the word implies the meaning "No, you got it all wrong!" He is making an effort to trust McKay but he is simply not there yet, especially not when it comes to making sure that McKay is safe, that his life is safeguarded.

McKay is proposing to do this thing at a risk to his own life but that is precisely the thing that Sheppard would very much like to avoid. That is the only unacceptable risk for him. That is a no for him. Where he would trust his own life in McKay's hands any day of the week, he does no trust McKay to be able to protect himself. It is for this same exact reason that Sheppard refuses to put that P-90 into McKay's hands if he can avoid it. It is not that he thinks that McKay does not know how to use it since he has trained him to use it himself, it is that he feels like it is his job to keep McKay from ever needing to use one.

Also note that Sheppard's response here follows McKay calling him "Colonel," and while they are on an open channel with Caldwell while this exchange is taking place, there is still a hint of an attitude to the way McKay speaks the title. Once more, it is superfluous. He did not have to say it. He could just as well have looked at Sheppard and simply said "What's the matter, you don't trust me?" There was no need for him to insert that Colonel there. But he did. Because he is still thinking about Chaya, about how Sheppard had told him to call him John when they are off the clock some time after the events of The Defiant One (S01E13) and before Sanctuary (S01E14), only to then give him the cold shoulder and use the time that they had with a living, breathing Ancient for making out with her rather than to try and get answers to the thousands of questions McKay would have had for her, as McKay had understood what had happened.

He says "Colonel" here with the same barely concealed derision he had said "Major" to him then. In these moments, it is not a title for McKay. It is an expression of scorn. And Sheppard feels every inch of that scorn. And we hear from his tone that his "No" is also in response to McKay's use of the title. "No, we are not doing this again," "No, you don't call me that, not like this". And McKay's "Fine!" is also a tacit acknowledgement of this. This is not an exchange between two colleagues. This is an exchange between two people that know each other intimately who both have hurt feelings to go around. No. Fine!

Caldwell: You're proposing actually freezing yourself in one of those things? McKay: I should be able to tap into the neural network without actually initializing stasis. Look, it won't take long. I'll be in and out.

The face Sheppard pulls here as he sits down to do his favourite thing, which is to watch McKay work, is interesting. It is in response to McKay saying the words "in and out". The old in and out. In-n-out. A well-known euphemism for penetrative sex. Sheppard's face is telling him both "Do you have to say it like that?" and "You, not taking long? You?" Sheppard, who had grown accustomed to quick and efficient trysts before meeting this man that could spend hours taking him apart, believes that McKay would be quick about it when the pigs start joining the Air Force. The look that Sheppard gives McKay when he one thousand percent interprets what McKay says as sexual innuendo regardless of whether McKay meant it like that (and he probably did not because he is not the one that has trouble keeping sex out of his brain during missions; this is not the first time that we see Sheppard interpret something McKay says as a reference to sex nor is it the last) is so telling. This whole episode is just... If they are not fucking, then what the heck are they doing here?

It may even be that this is not the first time that Sheppard has heard McKay say these exact words recently, given the way we found Sheppard biting into that power bar back when they were leaving. He had clearly missed lunch, and the way he glanced back at McKay suggests that he had missed lunch doing something with McKay. McKay can say "It won't take long" all he wants but Sheppard has very good reason not to believe him when he says that. He knows better than anyone that McKay's "It won't take long" will have them running late for things. And it isn't even that he minds. It is just that he knows McKay. McKay, however, seems to think that Sheppard is still on about not trusting him on this, and hence starts making a pitch.

McKay: Look, the quickest way to figure out what is going on in there is to tap into the system and communicate directly with the Captain. Need I remind you of the obvious value in this? Teyla: But is it safe?

McKay makes an impassioned plea, really seeming to think that Sheppard is doubting him. He is not talking to Caldwell, he is answering what ever he had just read on Sheppard's face. And the tone that he uses here is also one that we rarely hear him use, so candid and earnest that it can only be meant for Sheppard to hear. Because he thinks Sheppard is having doubts, he is trying to reach him using the kind of tone he might use when they are in private, just the two of them. McKay really wants to do this, he thinks this is important. He is trying to make Sheppard understand that this is important enough for him to even get over his hurt feelings about what might have happened between Sheppard and living, breathing Ancients in the past. He is not over it, not by a long shot, but he is willing to pull up his big boy pants if they can get some answers from the Ancients. But even so there is still a bit of attitude in his "Need I remind you," because he is going to keep reminding Sheppard of that as long as he lives.

McKay: Would I be volunteering to go if it wasn't? Dex: No. Sheppard: Which is exactly what makes it safe enough for me to go. McKay: What?

We see Sheppard make his chess move here, which seems to take McKay completely by surprise. Sheppard is trying to logic him into letting him go and this seems to short-circuit McKay's whole brain for a moment because this is not what he had intended at all. He thought that he was having to convince Sheppard that this was a thing worth doing and that he could trust him to be able to complete the task and here he is, telling him that he trusts McKay enough to want to go under himself. Clearly McKay had been having a whole other conversation than Sheppard just now. He is so caught unawares that he completely forgets to even take offense at what Ronon says, having already started rolling his eyes at him. McKay had made such a good case for himself, how had they suddenly ended up here? This was spiraling out of control.

Sheppard: Better to have you on the outside in case something goes wrong. McKay: It won't! Sheppard: But if it does... McKay: It won't! How many times do I have to say this?!

Let us just be clear about the fact that neither one of them are thinking about this rationally. This is not a rational calculus, this is not game theory, this is not about getting to the best outcome. This is about two people that love each other who are competing over who gets to do more for the other person. I love you. I love you more. Well, I love you the most. Hang up. You hang up. No, you hang up. And because it seems like they might be at this for a while if left to their own devices, Teyla decides to referee the contest. She thinks she is being clever about it, too.

Teyla: Rodney. Between the two of you, if something were to go wrong, which would be the greater loss? McKay: Well, I've never thought of it that way but... she's right. You should go.

Now, we see Sheppard do a double take when McKay says this. Clearly he had expected that McKay would argue some more and that he would have to strong arm him into agreeing that he should be the one to go. The fact that McKay changes his mind so quickly is suspicious to him. He has to review their entire conversation to see if he missed something. Because they are playing chess here. It is not that Sheppard thinks that McKay thinks that his life is worth more than his. He knows McKay volunteered to go because he does not want to risk anyone else. And Sheppard does not want to risk McKay. Their aims here are both opposite and complementary. For a moment he wonders if he missed something, if McKay is using some kind of reverse psychology here. Of course he is going to go, he was always going to be the one to go and not let McKay do it, he had started stripping for the occasion already, but why had McKay acquiesced so easily?

Teyla asks McKay which one of them would be the greater loss, himself or Sheppard. And the answer is obvious to McKay: Sheppard every day of the week. He has been willing to sacrifice his own life so that Sheppard might live ever since Hide and Seek (S01E03). Sheppard is not just the most important person in his life, the best person he has ever met in his life, is not just the love of his life. McKay thinks that other people need Sheppard, and so Sheppard's life is worth infinitely more than his. Both Teyla and Ronon display their familiarity with McKay here, but not a deeper understanding of his character. They do not know him the way Sheppard does and that is because it is only with Sheppard that he has ever truly shared himself with, who he has allowed to see the man that he is underneath layers and layers of defense mechanisms. McKay is both a brave and caring man, and hence volunteering to go had been obvious to him.

And it was not Teyla's attempt at stroking his ego that made him change his mind, it was actually what Sheppard had just said. As long as McKay was on the outside, he would be able to make sure that Sheppard was safe. If he was inside, he would not be able to do that from there. It was what Sheppard said that made him recognize the value of this proposition but what Teyla had given him was an out. Grabbing on to Teyla's proposal and making it seem as though he agrees, his life is worth more than Sheppard's, he is able to take Sheppard's counsel without making it seem like a big deal, without having to make it into a huge emotional moment that Sheppard hates and that make him uncomfortable. He is trying to spare Sheppard from having to actually come out and say it, from having to actually bare his soul to get McKay to see it from his perspective.

He was trying to keep Sheppard safe by volunteering to go, and he is trying to keep Sheppard safe by agreeing to be the one to stay back and make sure that it is safe for Sheppard, and we do see McKay by his pod looking over him, making sure that he is safe nearly the whole time. Both Sheppard and McKay were thinking about the move after that and the move after that here. They are trying to out-think the other. Like McKay explicitly tells Ronon and Teyla later, they have gotten into the habit of saving each other's lives. They both have the same agenda here, to keep the other man safe. And it is testament to just how good McKay is at this that much of the audience are completely fooled by his about face here. And we can see from Sheppard's expression that he himself is not sure if he had just lost the bout. McKay had pulled a whole Uno Reverse on him all of a sudden. Yes, he could go under on McKay's behalf but that will leave him unable to protect McKay here in the real world, and we will see the importance of this later on.

McKay: Now remember, the system creates a direct feedback loop between the processor and your brainwaves, so when you wanna disconnect, you'll need to, well, really concentrate.

We get a look of the effigy of Sheppard on McKay's computer as his fingers dance over the keyboard, and Sheppard is lying down in front of him. This is not the first time that he has been lying on his back in front of McKay but never quite in this context. He cannot help stealing glances at McKay from where he is. He trusts McKay to take care of him. There is no one he would trust more, being in the vulnerable position that he is. We can even see this in the way that Sheppard has his hands by his sides where the wraith they find later has his hands crossed over his chest.

Sheppard: You mean think it. McKay: I think it'll probably take a little more than that, otherwise you'd be popping in and out of the thing every time it crossed your mind. Sheppard: So... there's no place like home? McKay: If that works for you.

So, Sheppard makes a very obvious reference to The Wizard of Oz here, and the connections of the story to gay culture do not need reiteration. What is, however, both interesting and important is that the first time the show referenced the story was in Sanctuary (S01E14), where it had been McKay who mentioned to Sheppard that he felt like he was expected to ignore "the man behind the curtain," being the Wizard himself. Clearly this is something that McKay is familiar with and he would therefore have caught Sheppard's reference here immediately.

Now, there seemed to be some correspondences between the members of the team and the characters from Oz in the episode where Chaya was dressed as Dorothy but was actually more like Glinda the Good, if not even the Wicked Witch in disguise. But now that Ronon has replaced Ford on the team, it may be that their roles have shifted, and we could cast Ronon as the Tin Man and Teyla as the Scarecrow in the context of this particular scene, for example.

What is significant, however, is that Sheppard identifies himself with Dorothy here. He is suggesting to McKay that he will be able to get out of the virtual environment by clicking together the heels of his combat boots three times. He full on calls himself Dorothy here, and let us recall that "Friends of Dorothy" is a well-known euphemism for gay men, which McKay is. Both a gay man and a friend to our Dorothy here, that is. And since Sheppard casts himself as Dorothy, this puts McKay into the role of Glinda, the Good witch of the North.

As to the reason why Sheppard says this, this is first of all a bridge between the episodes. The film and/or book are mentioned several times over the seasons but this is the second explicit mention since Sanctuary, and the intention is to tie the two together. To let the audience know that the episode with Chaya is still very much looming in the background of Sheppard and McKay's interactions here, in case all the mentions of "living Ancients" was not enough to make the reference explicit. This is an intentional reference connecting the two episodes.

But further, in character, Sheppard says this with the intention of reassuring McKay. He could hear the hurt in McKay's voice earlier, and probably made the connection between McKay's sudden shift in attitude and the episode with Chaya (and more recently Teyla, which is what had triggered McKay to even think about it) which are largely meaningless to Sheppard but which seem to really bother McKay. And so, here, as he is going under, instead of saying any kind of a good-bye just in case anything does go wrong, he is essentially telling McKay that he does not just want him, he is full on Broadway musicals gay for him. He is making an intentional gay reference that means absolutely nothing to the two aliens but which he knows that McKay would get.

But again McKay does not necessarily interpret what Sheppard says in the same spirit as he intends it. McKay seems very much done here, and he may have interpreted Sheppard as calling him gay which, yes, obviously, thank you, but he is fucking men gay, not flamboyant showtunes and glitter kind of gay, and what is Sheppard even implying here? This has bearing on the way we see McKay behaving later on in the simulation.

McKay: Now, I should be able to monitor your EEG patterns, so in the highly unlikely event that something anomalous should present itself, I should be able to disconnect you manually. Sheppard: Good. McKay: ...without permanent brain damage. Sheppard: Rodney?

McKay is reassuring Sheppard, explaining the technical side to him in the way that he knows Sheppard wants him to explain things and he is cracking a joke to make the moment lighter for Sheppard, all of which tells us just how well McKay knows him. Sheppard knows that McKay is fucking with him. He is fairly certain that McKay is fucking with him. He is fucking with him, right?

Note that Sheppard does call him Rodney here, where "McKay!" might have worked better for the purpose of "be serious" that he was going for. But given that he is lying down on his back, it seems like Rodney is the name on his lips at a moment like this. It is a somatic memory, something rising from his body. But yes, McKay was fucking with him, which we can tell by the fact that he again has to return to the topic of the "living Ancient," like the memory of Chaya is a scab that he just cannot stop picking at.

McKay: Well, the opportunity to speak to a living Ancient is worth the risk, hmm? Now, when I close the lid, the pod system should activate. Ready? Sheppard: I was! McKay: Good!

Sheppard frowns as McKay mentions the living Ancient again because it sounds to him like McKay is genuine about his desire to communicate with the Ancients where his hurt feelings over Sheppard's past encounters with living Ancients is clear from across the Universe. But Sheppard is not sure he shares the sentiment because he is not that keen on hearing what the Ancients have to say about anything. As far as he is concerned, the Ancients are the dead beat dad of two galaxies that left out for smokes and never came back, and while he is fairly sure McKay was joking about the brain damage, he is not sure that talking to Ancients is worth the risk. And McKay is just throwing a lot on him. Why does he feel like he had just lost a game to McKay? Like McKay had just knocked over his queen, lying prone in the pod as he was as he prepared to go into the simulation

Continued in Pt. 5

[judasiskariot]

✨Writing Interview Tag Game✨

The 🖤judasiskariot❤ round - thank you lovely delightful @pinkberrytea for the tag 💕🌸

When did you start writing?

Already enjoyed writing creative essays at school. Wrote my first fanfiction (yugioh) as a teenie at an anime/fandom website. Got really into it, with writing fanfiction about a RPG I were playing/writing at the very same time.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

Maybe I read more smut than writing it. Because it seems I always need to put up huge story before smut, so it makes sense, cause the ghost of dumb it is ooc comments are still in my head.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I guess not. Both ways (I just often say I am a film noir or Tolkien type cause I often get lost in description or heavy in inner monologue. We could be in Mordor....or only went down the hill, same length. So happens with me. (So gods no never ever would I say I can write like Tolkien!!!! I just mean by that, that I do not keep some things sharp and short when maybe needed, as I do prefer in real life)

I am a huge Dante Alighieri and Vergil fan, compare me to them and I will always love you 🤣🤣

I just feel like a bardic soul 💜📜🪶

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

Desk is always occupied. Also is there gym, man sleeping medieval storage cave (The Manc Ave, right Terry and Korvo? 😉Dig old bicks)

Hardly wifi connection in there. I have no stationary pc, only cheap small laptop (it is hard to be a bard xD) so writing on the couch.

I have reading and writing candles (my luxury; even I should not)

Love to write in my bard poetry book outside in the nature 🌳🏞️🏕️☀️

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

🤷‍♀️

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

DRAMA OVER BLOODY DRAMA

I am the drama queen.

Love some angst and emotional damage; make it harder than it needs to be.

But also horror, gore, love and smut.

Never surprised.

and dumb sassy joking; could write forever funny crosstalks like chat. Would anyone read that? Than I would write all my ideas, ALL! So efficient and quickly. Sooo...I get lost in my Tolkien surroundings 😅🙈

maybe i write more cheesy and theatrically than I thought 🤔

What is your reason for writing?

SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT, RIGHT?🤷‍♀️

😄

No. I am not skilled in any other divine arts and I guess that's the only thing I can call on. I like it. I always liked it. I can create something, that's nice. And I've written so much RPG and FF as a teenager, I messed it up and I hate that I didn't do it for over 10 years now. Why abandon the thing you were good at, had fun with, made progress while practicing? So that all progress seems lost and you have to start from zero?

I'm glad I've started making progress again, maintaining what I once set out to do, and learning to be better.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

I'm incredibly happy with every single comment, even if it's just a smiley.

" You really did read my thing? How great is that!?!?" 😍🤩

But comments with a specific part or a line that they liked or whatever, their specific thoughts on certain parts are incredible. As a writer, I need feedback to know if I'm doing well and if I'm on the right track. Do others know what I wanted to say? Does it come out right? Otherwise I cannot improve.

If someone shares their exact first thoughts, what they thought about certain passages while reading, then the work pays off. 😍😍🤤🤤

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

As someome whose writig is good? 😅🤷‍♀️🙈 someone they can talk to. some nerdie partner in crime.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I have no clue. No one told me. I guess maybe having drama ideas and writing the inner struggles of characters.

How do you feel about your own writing?

Also here not much confidence in my own writing.

I got the two beasts in me: GOD YES! BEST WRITING EVER. THIS IS SO GOOD! THEY HAVE TO LOVE IT! CAN'T WAIT FOR REACTON TO THIS!🤩

Reread it: what da fuck is this?! 😠 I thought this was good?! I have no clue where I wanted to go with that 🤷‍♀️

BUT I can also be proud, reread it and think "I did this. I created that myself. It may be not the best, just small and silly and cliché, but I created it myself!" Be proud, all of you writers!! 👏🏻🫵🏻💪🏻 We are forgotten so often.

Do people criticize paintings for being ooc? Well..I guess assholes being assholes in every aspect of life 😅😆

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

I do it cause I want to. But of course the external motivation is important. Lack of comments and feedback makes you quit, mean people make you quit. You post cause you want to share your joy with others, hope they enjoy it too. When they do not, it can be bitter.

But still for me I guess. But non the less, I pick up things I think others will like (but not troping or so, writing things I dislike myself cause they are gaining online likes and so on; not in that way never) When I know a certain mutual/friend is reading the thing, I put easter eggs/insiders in it, they should get; things I think they might like and makes them smile. If someone would request some things they would like to happen/read, I would totally pick it up when possible. Shared happyness is happyness doubled.

thanks for the tag lovely

All my muts, please keep tagging me. I just keep forget doing it, when I can't do it right away.

And spinning head prevents me from that. I see what nonsense I write in the DMs and in every lil post a huge amount of spelling mistakes; I can't do it better at the moment; so embarrassing🙈

I've had a hectic time, sorry, but I love things like that and always smile when I get tagged😃😘 (and sometimes I'm a little unsure about telling something about myself. The urge to disappear completely one day and the next day I urge to overshare. Plus bad experiences with some folks😅🙈 )

I tag @nihil-ism @damadisangue

@sorceresssundries

@mercymaker

maybe you guys want to ramble a lil bit

[check out their works (if you like 😘)]

[pixelplayground]

Hi pxl! I apologize if this has been previously asked, but what are your PC peripherals? I’d appreciate your two-cents before I blow my savings on a good setup :’)

Hello, I have but it was a really long time ago and I have since changed configurations so I don't mind answering again. I need to preface and stress that you absolutely do not need the set up that I have just for gaming or the sims. I'm running on a professional grade workstation for other reasons. (I also use Apple, and play on Bootcamp with a Windows 11 partition):

Mac Pro (2019)

8-Core Intel Xeon W-3223 3.50 GHz

Radeon Pro W6800X 32GB DDR6 VRAM

128GB DDR5 RAM

16TB SSD Internal Storage Across 3 PCI Slots

My advice for building or selecting a gaming PC is to invest as much as you can in graphics power (graphics card), and RAM and adequate cooling. These parts of your hardware will be more beneficial to a better gaming experience than getting a 12 core processor, for example. Do not waste money on a system that you cannot upgrade the parts of in the future! — I would always, always go for a Desktop tower over a laptop 10000% of the time if you're looking for the best gaming experience. Also remember that you can always switch out your SSD drive with a bigger one, or add more as you go along, so don't worry too much about wasting $$$ on storage either. Here is a list of systems in various price ranges for 2024 (assuming you are in the US/UK).

Hopefully, that helps, but also understand it's probably not the exact answer you were looking for because I'm a weird case user lol.

[gilverrwrites]

First of all; sorry about what happened to your laptop, hopefully it wasn't anything ya couldnt fix :((

Second of all! For honesty night, are there any tropes or things you dont like writing for? Could be you dont think your good at it, coulf be you dislike the idea, any reason goes! - 🍰

Thank you but were good (I think). It didn't report any issues, so I did some troubleshooting and deleted a bunch of games and animation programs I don't use any more, and we seem to be running smoothly again. Yay!

Oooohh, that's a good one, I'm not sure. Obviously, there's the usual: no bestiality, no pedophelia. Piss is more than welcome but no scat. There's probably more that just aren't coming to mind right now.

I don't really vibe with things that are heavily based on existing media. Not like the concept of other media (vampires, plot lines etc) but specifically like, writing things explicitly based on the lyrics to a song or an almost exact retelling of another story. If that makes sense?

I don't write a huge amount of angst, but that's just because the mood doesn't take me very often.

I've been asked once or twice to write readers of specific ethnicities or religions, and as a white atheist I just don't think I could do them well. Feels cheap just slapping in a few references to skin colour or hair texture and calling it a day, there's more nuance there. I try to keep descriptions pretty vague though, in the hopes that most people can see themselves in the characters I write.

[runawaymun]

Hi! I have a bit of a strange question haha, hope you don't mind! I love your art but I've always wondered what device/program you use? I assumed an ipad but I watched your lives and it looks like you use a computer program. I've never seen anyone use a computer program and their art look as good a yours! I'm assuming you use the mouse (or a drawing tablet maybe?) but as someone who has dabbled in digital art I'm just so impressed if you do use a computer!

Not a strange question at all! I don't own any kind of ipad-type tablet. I use a Huion Kamvas 13, which is basically the same exact thing as a Cintiq of the same size and quality but like, literally half the price. It's very comfortable and high quality. It took a minute to figure out how to plug it into my computer and it's a bit fussy with the cables so it's not as portable as I'd like it to be, but that's my only complaint. It draws beautifully. Eventually when I have space and money I'd love to purchase a bigger display.

I use Clip Studio Paint Pro as my drawing program. It's extremely powerful, supports animation if you want to do that, and the brush packs etc you can find on the community page are nearly limitless. I do wish it wasn't so annoying about working offline (they don't like you to do it, or to switch devices too much), so for that reason I'm thinking about switching to Procreate (also because so many people seem to use it), or finding a decent free option.

But yeah, the computer runs the program but the Huion tablet is what I actually draw on. It's a pen display so there's no fussing with looking at my monitor, but drawing on a screenless drawing tablet --- and I have no use for an ipad or any other tablet type product other than art, so the Huion was the best choice for me since I can just plug it into my already really powerful PC.

A fair warning that if your computer isn't as powerful as mine (it's a gaming PC that my brother built), you may experience pen lag. I had that issue when plugging the tablet into a more portable laptop when I'm out and about. It's not awful but it does take some getting used to.

This sounds like a Huion ad lmao but I really cannot recommend their products enough. IMO they're the best thing on the market for the price point if you have a working PC to hook it up to.

EDIT: one thing I forgot to mention is that you can hook the Huion pen display up to your phone, even. I haven't tried it but I've seen a lot of people do that so I assume the pen lag isn't bad there, but I can't testify to it myself.

[bardic-tales]

I was tagged by the wonderful @nightingaleflowlibrary for this author interview tumblr game.

When did you start writing?

I don't remember the very first story that I wrote, but I imagine that I was quite young. I have always gravitated towards writing, as it allowed me to express myself in a way that I couldn't otherwise. I wrote my first full-length novel when I was 8 or 9. The exact age escapes me. It was around 50 k words and full of cliches, as to be expected.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

Not really. I tend to read books in the genre that I write for. Even if I am writing fan fiction now, my fan fiction can be classified as dark fantasy. I do have romance playing a huge part of Fantasy Worlds Collide, though. Oh. There is one genre that I love to read but it's hard for me to write for: gothic romance.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I don't think there is a writer that I get compared to a lot in terms of my style. However, my worldbuilding gets compared to Tolkien in the sheer depth of it. I have taken those 'who do I write like' tests and I get anywhere from Stephen King to David Foster Wallace. If anyone has any opinions on who I write like, I would love to hear their opinions.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I typically write in the living room on my desktop. I used to write laying in bed with my laptop. My current writing space includes my an organizer for my writing supplies, a shelf that is stock full of dictionaries and thesaurus, action figures of the two main love interests of Fantasy Worlds Collide (Sephiroth and Sesshomaru), and the urn of the cat who passed on last year. Loki was my writing buddy and it felt strange to write without him.

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

As I write fan fiction, I tend to watch gaming videos of the world that I am writing about. I must seen the start of Rebirth now 100 times. No joke. It helps me immerse myself in that world and soon the creative juices start flowing. If this doesn't work, I go and read some of my short stories I've written.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

The most obvious that comes to mind is trauma. I tend to work through my trauma by writing about it. I like exploring about love and relationships, fantasy, transformation, fate, and the true nature of good and evil in my work. No. It doesn't surprise me since I have been writing for more than 20 years.

What is your reason for writing?

I have a deep visceral need to write and create worlds. I have these ideas and stories that are inside of me, begging to be release. I write for myself, as I learned that I am the only one who will be able to develop the story that I want. I am glad that people like Bianca, and it does motivate me, but at the end of the day, Fantasy Worlds Collide is for me. This is a story 27 years in the making, as that is when I first developed Bianca's character in the winter of '97.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

While I love ever comment I get, the one that has particularly stuck with me are the ones that tell me that the character I am writing for should be canonized. I get this comment by strangers and by my friends. It doesn't matter the fandom or the content. I recently had someone tell me that they now ship Bianca with Sephiroth, and this actually made me cry. To think that someone likes my writing enough to actually share in my joy of that romance.

I always try to temper these comments that if said OC was in canon that they most likely would be very different than what I write. Honestly, I don't know how to respond to those comments.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I want to be thought of someone who can write well enough that their characters can live and breath in the world that they are writing for. I also want to be remembered as a fan fiction author whose works are coherent enough that they don't need to have played the game or watch the movie that the piece is from. I get this a lot too. I had a reader actually turn into a Witcher fan and bought all 3 games after reading my fan fiction on it.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

My greatest strength as a writer is my ability to craft deep, emotionally complex characters and relationships. I love to weave intricate character dynamics that explore love, pain, loyalty, and betrayal while trying to balance that with grand themes like power, destiny, and sacrifice. My attention to the finer details of my characters gives them a sense of realism and depth. As such, I feel like my ability to explore both the internal struggles and external journeys of my characters (including canon ones) tries to create a compelling narrative. Or that is what I hope comes across.

How do you feel about your own writing?

I have days that are ups and downs when it comes to my own writing. As I have AVPD, I often have imposter syndrome. My accomplishments are there, such as my self-published books and the Daily Deviant reward I received, but there are times I don't feel 'good enough'.

I, also, have aphasia and will often struggle with words and phrases. It impacts my speech and writing at times. There are times where I will mix up words or add strange phrasing. A running joke between my husband and I was 'I care for you pretty a lot'. I wasn't trying to be cutesy, since I wanted to be like 'I care for you a lot', but it came out that way. When my aphasia is 'acting up' using when I'm tired, I tend to be very self-conscious about my writing.

Then, there are days where I feel like I am a wonderful author. These are the days where I feel like my writing is very well-written. During these days, I go back and re-read my works, as I had said that the only one who will tell my story the way I want is myself.

tagging: @serenofroses @themaradwrites @littleshopofchaos @prehistoric-creatures

@creativechaosqueen @megandaisy9 and OPEN TAG

[breithenua]

Ok I'm just gonna say it, whoever says Boruto sucks probably hasn't given it half a chance, for any combination of reasons. Be it just to be contrarian, or them expecting it to be the same as Shippuden despite it taking place in peacetime, hating slice of life, or not trying to understand Boruto's frustrations with his dad at all.

He's a kid whose dad was present in his life for a while, and then all of a sudden was a lot less present because his dad's now the Hokage. Of course he's gonna be resentful. Of course he's going to have disdain for the position of Hokage, and want to be his own person. Of course he's going to be desperate enough for his dad's attention and approval to cheat during the Chunin exams. Of course he's going to not understand as much at first the value of hard work versus shortcuts. And of course, he's going to be immature about a lit of shit in general *because he's a kid*. It's ok if that's too annoying for you, kids can be fucking annoying, but don't tell me it isn't realistic of Boruto to be such a little shit. Naruto was a little shit too, for his own reasons.

All that being said, Boruto shows a lot of growth during the course of the series. He doesn't stay as much of a little shit. He learns the value of hard work. He resents his dad a lot less, he becomes a little less impulsive and stupid. Sure, he's still impulsive as hell. But that doesn't change overnight, and he's still around 12. You expect him to be as mature as Naruto was at the end of Shippuden when he's only 12? Come on now.

Putting aside the complaints with Boruto himself for now, let's talk about the characterization, because dear god they are doing that well. From Sumire being a victim of her former Root member father's hatred of the Leaf, to the kids of the previous generation being such a good meld of both their parents (Inojin being a combination of Ino and Sai not just in abilities, but personality as well), to Kawaki being distrustful of everyone because of how he'd been abandoned, neglected, and mistreated by everyone he'd known up until that point. There's numerous other examples as well. Ao's reason for his face-turn. So many shinobi being resentful of a world in which they're afraid that their role is no longer needed. Etc etc.

And then, there's the world-building. Starting off with the more negative (as in depressing, not badly written) we see that just because it's peacetime now, that doesn't mean everything is great for everyone outside of the 5 great nations. Or even some inside them, for that matter. A lot of smaller nations are still in poverty, still suffering. Naruto for as benevolent of a Hokage he is, he isn't capable of helping everyone. He doesn't have the time, the land of fire doesn't have the resources to help everyone, and because of bureaucracy, it isn't always possible to give help even when it's available.

On the more positive side of world-building, we see pretty-rapidly advancing technology. From the Kamanarimon company heir straight up using a laptop in combat to survey the battlefield and be the team analyst, to the new generation playing actual video games, to there being machines that can use ninjutsu for the user without seals, and there being actual trains to travel not just around Konoha, but between nations. Hell where I'm at in the story rn, I'm seeing actual flashbang grenades, chakra lightsabers, etc etc.

We also still have a looming threat to everyone in the form of the Otsutsuki clan. We're getting a logical continuation of the Kaguya storyline and her legacy, we're finding out more about where she came from and how it not just impacts, but endangers the shinobi world as a whole. Not just directly from the Otsutsuki invaders as a whole, but from organizations linked to them somehow, as is the case with the Kara.

Point being that Boruto is way better than people give it credit for, if you don't go in expecting the exact same thing as Shippuden, and keep an open mind for all the changes. It's not the same as Naruto was, it was never going to be the same. And if it was, it wouldn't be believable. I'm not saying the series is perfect by any means, it isn't. But neither was Naruto. I'm not saying you have to like it, but at least give it a chance yourself before writing it off, and don't just listen to what other people say about it.

[sister-of-the-brotherband]

Roadtrip

Little drabble in my modern setting au. I have planned longer fics too but I got this idea in my head and had to get it out. Wrote it on my phone cause my laptop's broken, and I hate doing that so it probably sounds rushed.

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"Hey! Wulf is touching me! He won't stop-"

"I am not! Shut up, I'm not! You don't know what you're talking about— stop hitting me!"

"Both of you shut it! Gods, between you two and the disgusting cologne Stefan insists ilon drowning himself in-"

"Hey! Leave me alone! Do you guys hear this? I'm just minding my business and Lydia decides to make a personal attack-"

The voices in the back of the van overlapped, the pitch and volume rising to make the already small space seem stifling. Hal took a deep breath and made the conscious effort to relax the death grip he had on the wheel. The tension bled out of him for all of three seconds before a piercing shriek echoed through the vehicle.

With any other passengers Hal would have been thoroughly enjoyed the evening. As late as it was, there were few cars out and navigation was never an issue. Even in unfamiliar towns, Hal's uncanny sense of direction meant he rarely relied on any kind of navigator. It was just as well, too. Stig had "volunteered" to sit shotgun and run the GPS, then had proceeded to fall asleep within five minutes of their departure.

As it was, the clamor in the backseat rather ruined the calm atmosphere. Should have taken two cars, Hal thought ruefully. Originally he had planned to split the group up in two vehicles for this exact reason. Surprisingly, it was Jesper who argued in favor for traveling in one big groups for "family bonding" purposes.

Unsurprisingly, Jesper was fast asleep on Stefan's shoulder. He wore a peaceful smile, utterly oblivious to the chaos he had indirectly caused.

Hal wracked his brain for a way put of his predicament. His knee-jerk reaction was to yell but there were only so many variations of "I swear I'll turn this car around" he could think of. For a split second, he even considered bailing out of the car completely.

Deep down he knew there was little he could do if they continued driving. After three hours on the road, his friends were getting bored and he could hardly blame them. One could only sit through so many games of "I spy" and "stack the pretzels on Ingvar" before growing tired. Hal knew he would be in a similar state had he not been driving.

A quick glance in the mirror allowed Hal to survey the current state of his passengers. Stig, Ingvar, and Jesper were all slumbering peacefully. Edvin was staring out the window, his face disclosing absolutely nothing about whatever mood he was in. Ulf and Wulf, despite arguing the entire drive, were still sitting as close together as possible and bickering quietly. Stefan and Lydia were solidly locked in argument.

Lydia's lips were pressed into a hard line, and her angry flush was obvious despite her dark skin. "I don't want to go over this again. You aren't listening!"

"I am listening," Stefan said, "But you're not making sense. There's no good reason someone should have to wait until they're eighteen to get a driver's license. How are they supposed to get around?"

Lydia threw her arms into the air. "They can take a bus! Or a train. What kind of people trust teenagers to drive around before they're even out of school?"

Hal sighed audibly. This was an ongoing argument between the two. No amount of redirecting or input from outside parties mattered to them, it was merely a test of stubbornness and sheer unwillingness to change opinions at this point. Hal was took it as a sign that everyone had almost reached their limit.

"Stig!" He hissed. No response. His best friend had a strange ability to sleep through anything, which Hal found unusual for such an attentive person. He raised his voice a little. "Stig! Wake up!"

Stig cracked one eye, mumbled a sleepy "no thank you", and rolled over. Or, he tried to. The seat belt restrained him, as seatbelts tend to do. Realization dawned on his face as he noticed the distinct lack of bed and blankets around him. "Oh. Hey, uh.. what time is it?"

Hal glanced at the clock display. "It's... well it's definitely not 4:07." The clock had not been right once since Hal had bought the van. He would change it but he only noticed while driving, and always forgot as soon as he got where he was going. But that fact did nothing to stop him from checking it whenever he needed the time. He tapped the screen of his phone where it sat on the center console, instead. "It's almost 9:30."

Stig paused in the middle of a stretch. "You mean I slept for almost three hours?" Hal nodded confirmation. Stig glance meaningfully into the back seat. "Through... whatever this is?"

"You were snoring to wake the dead, so I hope you were asleep," said Hal.

Stig snorted. He and Hal had very different opinions on his snoring. Personally, it had never bothered him. "Well, they obviously didn't take notice."

Hal considered that. "Well, no. They probably thought the engine was just running louder than usual."

Stig had no good response to that. He decided it best to shift the topic of conversation. "So, how much longer?"

Hal swiftly took to the change. "Bout an hour, maybe more. I'm thinking of stopping to give that lot a break," he jerked his thumb towards the backseat, "and maybe get some food."

"Ok, not a bad idea. But, don't forget the last time we all went out for food." Stig said.

Hal held his had up. "I thought we agreed not to talk about that. Besides, I'll lay some ground rules and it'll be fine."

Stig was still dubious. "Fine" was not the word he would use. Still, he was starving too. He relented. "Alright. If you think it'll be ok, I'll go with it. Where are we stopping?"

Edvin chose that moment to make his presence known. "I think we should go to McDonald's," he said, right in Stig's ear.

Stig jumped, then cursed. "Gods, Edvin. We need to get you a bell."

Hal considered that. He usually liked to let people vote on the places they went, so everyone felt they had a voice in the plans. He was about to say so, when Edvin beat him to it.

"I know what you're thinking. But, if you leave it up to discussion they'll never agree. Everyone will find something they like there. Also, I want nuggets."

Stig narrowed his eyes at him. "Why are you so good at getting what you want?"

Edvin didn't reply, just winked slowly and faded into the back seat.

Stig peered at hom for a second, then directed his gaze back to Hal. "So, McDonald's?"

Hal nodded. "It'll be fine," he said confidently.

Stig looked at him, long and hard. "It literally never is."

°

It was, surprisingly, fine. Fourty-five minutes after pulling into a sketchy McDonald's, the group was all accounted for back in the van. Most importantly, it was quiet again. Edvin had resumed his window staring. The twins had finally moved away from eachother and were both absorbed in their phones. Lydia was fast asleep, as was Stefan.

Jesper was awake, but sitting completely frozen in his seat. Stefan had fallen asleep on his shoulder, mirroring the earlier position. Jesper was unwilling to risk waking him by even talking, which Hal saw as a blessing from some divine force.

Stig was also awake, absentmindedly flipping through radio channels. "I was wrong, he said with a wide smile, startling Hal. "It actually was fine."

An hour later, they were finally at the hotel. As the sleepy bunch began unloading, Hal reflected. His friends might be hard to handle, but in the end, he could never be more grateful to the family he had found.

The sentiment lasted for a good moment this time, until someone threw a bag right at his head.

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Ok so that wasn't as long as I wanted (damn it laptop), or as well written. The end was definitely forced :,). I don't have a super great grasp on the character dynamics yet but I'll get there. Btw these fics won't be in any real order, just whenever I get an idea. Eventually I'll probably put them all together in ao3.

[bright-and-burning]

director's commentary on a lobby with nine hundred windows please!! - luv, @vroombeams

i always forget i don’t actually know what im supposed to be writing for director’s cuts. akdhkahd. this got long (and disorganized and rambling) bc i have not really talked to anyone abt this fic so you got. lots of my thoughts.

fic directors cut

this fic was so hard to come up with as a concept (which was originally all i was supposed to do according to the game. lol.) but once i had a concept it like kind of unfolded in front of my eyes? i wrote it in like. a sitting and a half (started on the train on my phone finished at home on my laptop).

the set up for this was kind of. everyone gets out of their cars at the end of australia, and then the universe goes, well. wobbly. and everyone is suddenly stuck in weird (and in this case, kind of nightmare ish?) pocket dimensions. i didn’t really think about anyone else but honestly everyone is probs stuck w their teammate. weird fia magic.

i kind of put lando through the ringer here, just a little. poor little meow meow… having to get up close and personal with killing oscar over and over and over again… i usually write from oscar pov (which is interesting bc i think lando’s brain (or. my version of lando’s brain) in theory should be easier to slip into since i do not think like oscar. at all) but i stuck with that decision especially so here bc i didn’t super trust in my ability to write that kind of traumatizing kill or die trying type violence up close and personal? or at least not with the weight and drama i felt like it deserved to come across correctly (though i am still not sure it actually feels tense and not goofy or mispaced? 😭). and i think looking at it and the aftermath from this outside perspective of someone who cares deeply abt lando was more interesting anyways. i think it’s more horrific to have lines like. “‘He was just wrong. I dunno. Didn’t smile right, or something. Like that valley thing.’

Lando’s clearly leaving something unsaid, some bigger reason to put a knife under Oscar’s chin, but he looks like he’s about to start shaking again.” or “‘They disappear, after. That’s how I knew that I- That’s how I knew.’

That’s how he knew he hadn’t made a mistake, he means. That he hadn’t killed the real Oscar.

‘Oh. That’s good, then. That they disappear.’

‘Not- not right away.’”

like oscar’s (and the reader’s) imagination fills in the blanks in the same way that like. horror where you never get a glimpse of the monster (or how seeing things moving in the dark when you can’t pick them out etc) is much scarier, because it’s you vs your imagination, coming up with scarier and scarier shit. nothing i could’ve come up with would be half as unsettling as lando being unwilling to talk about it, as lando’s stuttering over the bodies sticking around for a little bit before disappearing without a trace.

from lando’s pov i mean. went from adrenaline come down podium champagne moment to . well it’s kind of implied that the first oscar comes at him. i think in my head (WHATEVER YOU IMAGINED IS EQUALLY VALID. bc i am making this up on the spot basically) maybe he opens the door to the first oscar (in the same exact room/set up as real oscar) and you know. unties him, treats him as the real oscar, is like what the fuck is going on (i’m so glad im with you) only to be tossed into a knock-down drag-out fight for his life. desperately trying to figure out why oscar’s attacking him, being like what are you doing snap out of it until he’s forced to take lethal action to not get. idk. strangled, or something. in a really. up front and personal way. no distance, you know? sitting there after covered in blood probably dry heaving if we’re real. sobbing. kicked the knife away type beat. next to not-oscar’s body. only for it to shimmer out of existence after several extremely long minutes. and then he’s gotta do that. over. and over. and over. he works out his little system, so he’s not fighting for his life every time, but like. emotionally he is holding on by a Thread. if that.

i don’t think i super elaborate on their relationship but like. they’re definitely emotionally committed to each other. maybe in love but nobody’s quite said it yet. so lando’s just killed 8 doppelgängers of someone he loves. via knife to the throat… yeah. a lot!

admittedly in the grand scheme of things i also thought it was less freaky than perhaps it came across to others?? wren said she had a nightmare after reading it 😭. i normally (as we know) write like. comfort. silly goofy stuff. been dipping my toes into porn. i knew it was waaay out of the box for me and writing it/reading it back it felt like . there was no tension. LOL. that it was kind of silly déréalism stuff with no substance but i was like well i wrote it already. might as well post it. even tho i was less than satisfied w the amount of tension/dread/fear that i infused it with (and with the ending, tbh, but i didn’t want to drag it out into like 6k of aimless weirdness akdhakdh) which im hoping is mostly my own self criticism kicking in and nitpicking me but. who knows. it makes extreme sense why it’s my least popular by literally every metric fic LOL it is a weird one for sure!