#lagged and made me buy the same 6 things 3 times

[hoonvrs]

fuck you moviestarplanet

[lexijaynex]

🪸DAY 17 (9/29/23)🌊

I’m online now, it’s 3:45am. Going to cam for two hours, take a break and get back on around 6:45a-7a and cam until 10a. Gonna log as I go, so let’s get it!! I’m listening to my little Monodrone and Synth-wave music, and I’m watching Boze’s 7 hour true crime marathon. There are currently 177 Ebonies online, so I think I got on at a good little time.

———

It’s 4:42a, I’ve been online for 57 minutes and I’ve made $1! Whew! It’s a hot mess, but I’ve mentioned that 2-4a was slow for me, and look what happened—wasted my time lol. I had a few people acting new or trying to get over, so I ended up making this preset message:

If they wanna act like I’m green and brand new iI’ll treat them like they are too!! ;)

——

Anyways I’m 1hr17min in, $1 in earnings. I have 5 more hours to go. I’m just shooting for $186, nothing big, hopefully I can make it, at the very least half hell!!

✨My money affirmation: Money comes to me, easily, don’t have to worry ‘bout a thing!✨

———

Alright! I have been online for 1hr 56 minutes, I have made $1.50!! Yes, I have made a McChicken lol!

I am about to take that lil' break and get back on in another hour. I will say, the 4am hour isn't the best, and I've learned (several times over) that my regulars and newbies usually come in around 5:30-6:30am-ish, so I'm gonna hold out and push through it!

Now, I did ask a customer how the site was acting to him and he said it was glitchy on his laptop, but it works perfectly on his phone, so that makes me feel better to know that I'm not trippin lol! I also heard from a regular that the privates have been lagging pretty bad, but it's been that way for years, which is why they get offline shows from me, and I get it.

I just refuse to just give up today! It's pay day, and somebody is finna bless my damn pockets THIS MORNING!!

——-

I’m still trying my best to push thru! I’ve been online for 3hr32mins. I’ve made $55 and some change. It’s been slow as hell boo, but ima keep pushin. I’m at least gonna try to make $100 out of this morning. I will get online later tonight/tomorrow, most likely during the late night. It’s strikes going on, the govt shutting down, but chile all I can do is keep pushin! On the bright side I’m home, and not spending no money to work in a club during this crisis!

I have noticed, and I think I’ve mentioned it before. When people don’t have a lot of money to spend, if any at all, THEY WILL TALK and talk and talk! I’ve noticed that this morning, a few of my regulars have been talking my fingers off. Maybe they just want a little conversation, and I’m fine with that, but I’ve noticed that the more they talk the shorter the show or the less money they end up spending. When they have it, they spend it! Just like when I used to go window shopping at the mall, seeing what I liked, looking around knowing I don’t have the funds lol. I spend a longer time looking around, than just going and buying what I want when I have the coin to spend. It’s basically the same thing! I’m fine with them testing the waters a bit and letting them get to know my personality, but for the most part, run me some coin! I’m not finna be talking too damn long now! I type a lot more than I talk, because a lot of them just want my attention and acknowledgment. So if they’re brand new I don’t talk until they tip or we go private, I just type to them, and regulars I do a little talking and more typing until they spend some money. It just saves me energy!

Anywho, it’s 9:14a, I’m getting off this mf at 10:00a, turning my air down and taking a damn nap lol!

———

Okay last 18 minutes, it's 9:42a, I made $68! Bish I been online all damn morning lol, but I'm not finna complain too much. It's been a few times where I've been online for longer and have made less. I just gotta stack it up through the day chile. I wanted to make that $100 this morning, but I need a damn break!!! Looking at my stats, I really could’ve just saved those first two hours, because I made $67 in 2 hours, my last hour online was kind of a bust too. Soooo looking at it like that, it’s not THAT bad, but still, DAMN!😂

——

Okay, I logged off at 10:10a, and I made $68 this morning. I really need to split cam, I'm actually gonna start it ASAP, because depending on one site ain't havin it for me! I’ve been splitting here and there, but bump that, I’m gonna get on a split cam schedule and stick to it. I'm grateful for the lil coin, don’t get me wrong, but sheesh lol! My ass will be back online today though, so let me shut up and go take a nap lol!

I'll ttyl, thanks for reading!! 💕

[kylos]

Finding high quality film/tv rips, saving the large files, and screencapping them are half the battle for gifmakers when setting out to make a gifset. Here’s a little guide on this process, including my advice on

Where to download stuff

Where to store your movies/shows

Screencapping programs

Making gifs as HQ as possible, including tips for picking out what to download when you have multiple options (not all 1080p rips of the same movie or tv episode are the same quality and I explain why)

Why screencaps of 4k movies can look weird and washed out and how to fix that

and more

✨ You can find my gifmaking 101 tutorial here and the rest of my tutorials here.

Where can I download movies and shows?

First off, I prefer direct downloading rather than torrenting stuff because it’s faster and with torrenting, there’s more of a risk. Other people downloading the same torrent can see your IP address. This means movie studios can find out you’re downloading their content and can send you a warning letter. The download speed also varies depending on how many other people are seeding it. I would only do it if it’s your only option and you have a VPN or something.

This is THE best guide for pirating I’ve ever seen. I use it for finding sites for books, music, you name it. The part of the guide you’d want to look at is where it says Direct Downloads Link (DDL) sites. My favorite place is Snahp. These ddl sites will have links to their movie/tv rips that are typically hosted on one of these two sites: google drive or mega.nz. You can download stuff from both of those sites for free, but with mega, they have a 5GB file download limit unless you have a premium account. I personally pay the $5 a month membership for mega because it’s worth it imo. You can buy a subscription through the mega app found on the iphone app store (so you’re billed through apple and it’s less scary than giving a random site your credit card info lmao) and as for androids I think mega has an app on there too.

So basically, if you go to http://snahp.it, they’ll have rips for different movies and shows.

You click on the movie title and it’ll take you to a page where they have links for the video which they have uploaded on a variety of sites (including mega).

How do I make my gifs as HQ as possible?

It’s best to gif things that are 1080p. And usually the higher the file size, the better. A really important thing to note is that not all 1080p bluray rips are the same. The piracy groups that rip these files take uncompressed .mkv rips from discs that are anywhere from 10gb to like 50gb, and then run that through video converters to compress the file down so that they’re 2-8gb. Sometimes when that happens, the video quality goes down a LOT. The same goes for TV episodes. One rip could be 800mb, the other could be 3gb and both could claim to be “1080p” but the quality would be NOTICEABLY different. Your best bet is to always pick the rip with the highest file size.

I’ll show you an example with this scene from You’ve Got Mail.

I downloaded 2 different 1080p rip versions of the film. Both claim to be 1080p, but one is 2.41 GB and the other is 9.75 GB. After taking screencaps, it’s obvious that there’s a BIG difference in quality.

(these pictures are best viewed on desktop tumblr)

When it comes to Blu-ray rips, download remux versions of films and shows if possible. Remux means .mkv files that are uncompressed and straight from a Blu-Ray disc. Giffing remux rips cuts down on the possibility of seeing pixel-y effects a LOT in my experience. It’ll take a bit longer to download than typical 1080p rips but it’s worth it imo.

For TV episodes, if you can’t find a Blu-Ray rip, uploads with the word AMZN in it are usually the highest quality and your best bet (unless you see another upload that’s higher in file size - again: always try to pick the highest file size). 'AMZN’ means they’re from a person that ripped the episode from Amazon Prime Video.

Also, even better than 1080p is 4k (2160p). I only really recommend this though if you know you’re going to gif something up close and crop it a lot - like if it’s a big 540x540px close-up gif of a person. You’ll REALLY see the difference if it’s a 1080p vs 4k rip in that situation. I usually don’t bother with giffing 4k files unless it’s the case above because my laptop lags when taking 4k screencaps and it takes longer to load them into photoshop (4k screencaps are usually about 60mb each!)

⭐️ Another thing that’s important is making sure that when you actually make your gifs, you set them to the correct speed (.05 for movies and most shows, and .04 sometimes for reality tv and live broadcasts). Here’s my gif speed guide. Having the right gif speed is really important for making a gifset HQ. You don’t want it to look too slow or too fast.

What’s your favorite video player to take screenshots with?

MPV player, hands down. And I’ve tried a TON of programs over the years. I’ve tried KMPlayer and found that it added duplicate frames (and even missing frames) which is horrible, and I’ve tried GomPlayer which is.....I’m just gonna say it, I’m not the biggest fan of it. It’s a little overly complicated in my opinion and it has ads. If you like these programs, more power to you! Use whatever you’re comfortable using. I just like MPV the most because it doesn’t have ads, it’s simple, you can take sequential screencaps with a keyboard shortcut, and it can play 4k movies.

Screencaps I take of 4k 2160p movies look so dull and washed out, like the colors aren’t right. Why is that?

That’s because your computer can’t handle HDR 4k video files. It probably can handle SDR 4k video files, but unfortunately, 99% of 4k rips out there are HDR.

[picture source]

Now, HDR displays just fine on computers that have 4k-HDR capabilities, but most older computers don’t have this ability. Having said that, MPV - the video player I mentioned above can take a 4K-HDR video and fix the colors/lighting in real time so it displays correctly AND take screenshots of it with the fixed colors. If you have an older version of MPV, make sure you download the newest update for this. In my general gifmaking tutorial, there’s a portion on how to install this program on macs. I also just made a video tutorial on how to install it on pcs here!

High quality TV and Movie rips can take up a LOT of space on my computer. Where do you store your files?

I store them on external hard drives. External hard drives are like flash drives but they have a MUCH higher storage capacity. You just plug them into your computer via a usb cord when you need access to the files and it’s that easy. I have two of these Seagate 4TB hard drives in different colors so I can easily pick out whichever one I need. I have silver for my movies (because it makes me think of “silver screen” lmao and it’s easier for me to remember) and then I just have a blue for shows. Now, external hard drives of this size can be $$$$ but it’s worth it imo. Look out for when they’re on sale.

What’s the size limit for gifs now?

It’s 10mb! It used to be 3mb and then last year Tumblr upped it to 5mb. Some gifs initially had distortion because of Tumblr’s switch from the .gif to .gifv format, but they’ve fixed the problem AND increased the upload limit to 10mb.  Just make sure not to add any lossy to a gif.

Lossy is basically a grain you can add to a gif to lower the file size down. Gifmakers (including myself) used to use this as a trick to get the file size down under 3mb. However, since the .gifv update on Tumblr, any gifs with Lossy added will look distorted like it’s a gif made on a phone app or something.

_________________________________

That’s it for this guide! Again, feel free to check out my other tutorials on photoshop, how to center subtitles, download hq movie trailers, and more ✌️

UPDATE 6/23/20 ⚠️

I’ve gotten an ask about this problem 3 times since I’ve uploaded this tutorial, so I thought I’d add this in. If you are experiencing duplicate and/or missing frames in mpv, it is a glitch with the latest version of mpv. download an older version like 0.29.0. this happened to me on my mac and downloading an older version fixed the problem.

[mikiruma]

ok idk if anyone has any expertise on tablets but i need some help here because i got kind of an anomaly here. under the cut just for potential length/readability

for reference im using a huion kamvas pro 13 gt-133 (on the drivers page its kamvas pro 13(8192)) & the pen does not use a battery

the problem is that the pen started skipping around/lagging and not reading my inputs correctly.. last time i had this issue it was because the nib i was using was worn down, so naturally my first response was to change the nib. did nothing. i reset the tablet to its factory settings. nothing. i uninstalled and reinstalled the drivers, and even restarted the computer. still no effect. i unplugged the tablet all the way for two consecutive hours- hdmi, usb, the power adapter directly plugging into the tablet. when i plugged it back in it? still nothing.

the only progress i made was at one point i tried using the tablet without drivers (i had attempted this before on my siblings tablet, same model, but it just made the entire thing unusable that time.) miraculously i got it to work smoothly for 3 1/2 minutes before my inputs got ruined again. reinstalled drivers, again, 3 1/2 minutes of peace. uninstalled, same thing. that got tiring but i realized i could achieve the same result via simultaneously unplugging the usb and turning the tablet off, then plugging it in/turning it back on again. again for only a handful of minutes of smooth usage but its something. and yes, installing older versions of the drivers didn't work either. exact same problem.

the one thing i cant really place is how or why it started. i know its probably a problem with the software, as this only started happening a few hours ago with no immediately obvious cause. actually i guess the cause doesn't really matter, i just want to figure out how to fix this dang thing without mailing this off and not being able to draw for a month plus or spending $400 on a new one that will probably just have the same issue. i did buy this used but i bought it from a friend who had previously used it probably only 4-5 times at most, and not for very long each time, and i personally have been using it for maybe 6 months at most. (rough estimate- the most recent convo i can find with my friend about said tablet was from mid december 2021). and since i had a wacom before im no stranger to random unfixable issues suddenly sprouting up, but my tablets basically unusable & i have commissions i need to work on and idle hands i need to busy in clip studio or else my brain does. This

on the bright side, if this is anything like my technology luck then hopefully this goes away when i boot up my laptop again after work tomorrow, like most things that randomly decide to render themselves unusable for me when i need them. i'm sure i'm overreacting but in this moment i am very stressed out over many many many other things and this is the one thing ive deemed appropriate to get mad about in a public space so like. im going to feel real stupid when it does turn out to have the easiest fix in the world or if it "fixes itself" but as of right now this is the worst thing in the world bc i drew one thing today and was looking forward to drawing at least two or three things.

in short: im going to crawl in a cave until i quit having this specific brand of technology problem that can only be solved by shipping shit overseas or speaking to a Customer Service Representative or giving hundreds of dollars to people who make products that frustrate me

[giorno-plays-piano]

Playing games Pairing: dark!Sebastian Stan x Reader Warning: yandere, swearing, some non-con implications towards the end. Words: 2069. P.S. JESUS CHRIST WHAT HAVE I DONE I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON I HOPE NO ONE WHO REALLY MET SEBASTIAN GONNA READ THIS ghjdfyjdfds I’m so sorry guys _____________________________________ “I asked for a vanilla latte with extra milk, not caramel cappuccino.”

You rolled your eyes at his irritated remark. You knew Sebastian wasn’t in his best mood this morning and expected him to make your day nastier just because he felt like it.

“Sorry, but I’m sure it was caramel cappuccino. You asked for some cinnamon on the top, remember?”

“No, I didn’t.” He snarled and looked at you, giving a mocha frappe to Jill, his hair artist. “I asked for a vanilla latte. If you suffer from memory loss, you’d better visit your doctor once we get back to US.”

What an asshole. Mary, who was now applying some makeup on Sebastian’s face with her beauty blenders and brushes, bit down on her lip: she had been watching how he treated you for the last 3 weeks, and it was a living nightmare. It was very odd since Sebastian was on good terms with pretty much everyone around, but you were always an exception. Why? Neither Mary nor Jill could tell. There was nothing revolting in the way you behaved around Mr. Stan, simply doing your job as his assistant. You were getting him coffee every morning, buying some personal stuff for him, managing his meetings… but you were more an errand girl, that’s true. It was surprising for most of the other people surrounding you two, but you didn’t object to your tasks. You were furious because of the way Sebastian treated you.

He was mean, unfair, irritating, and rude. You didn’t deserve it.

“Well, my voice recorder tells I got everything right.” You pulled it from the pocket of your below-knee sheath skirt, ready to press the button.

“What the fuck is that?” The man rose to his feet immediately, almost pushing frozen Mary out of his way and stepping towards you. “How many times do I have to tell you? NO. FUCKING. RECORDERS.”

He was ready to snatch it from your hands, yet you were able dodge him right on time, hiding the recorder in your pocket again.

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry, I’ll put it away!” In a second you were behind Jill’s tall figure as if you were a child hiding from a bad-tempered parent, Sebastian watching you with anger in his cold blue eyes. “I’m not going to use it. But it’s still true, you asked for caramel cappuccino.”

“Guess what? I don’t fucking care.” He growled in a low voice. “You’ll go and get me vanilla latte because it’s your goddamn job. And I want my coffee before Jill’s finished with my hair, understood?”

Watching his with clear disdain on your face, you cursed under your breath. It was freaking hot in Prague where Sebastian was filming now and getting out the second time just to run to Starbucks once more would sure ruin both your makeup and a white blouse you had been wearing. Damn it.

“God, why do you have to be such a bastard most of the time?” You snapped at him, visibly shaking with fury. “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a closet psycho or what?”

“I’m the one who pays you, honey.” He smiled at you the same way he always did it in front of the camera and you felt sick.

You stormed off the room without having a glance back at his perfect white teeth. Sebastian Stan was the worst person you had ever met, and you were working for him, seeing him every day and listening to his orders as if you were his pet. How did it come to this? Why did he look like the most perfect human being to you six months ago? What made him behave like that to you when in reality it was him who offered you a job?

God, it was all messed up. You did not remember when things got so bad you could yell at each other in a full voice. It was actually surprising, someone like you shouting and swearing at one of the world’s most famous actors, but it was something Sebastian let you do. Like he wanted you to scream at him regardless who surrounded you whether it was his makeup artists, agents, cleaning ladies or anyone else. It was like he got off on it.

True, this job payed well, much better than the one you had before. Moreover, in these 6 months you saw more countries than you did in your entire life, travelling with Sebastian everywhere and meeting tons of new people, many of them being great professionals. It was inspiring; it made you dream of all the things you thought were impossible; it made you curious and gave you a chance to practice your networking skills.

But Sebastian was fucking blowing it. After six months of constant everyday battles filled with rage and pure hatred you had gained weight, 10 pounds to be precise. Now you were having problems to sleep, and you knew it wasn’t the jet lag.

Anyway, you spent the whole day running around the city to buy him this or that. In the evening you were so tired you could barely move your legs while Sebastian was clearly pleased seeing you like that. It probably stroked his enormous ego.

Fuck it. You didn’t deserve a minute of it. You were not going to let him ruin you for fun, just because he could it since he payed you. Why did you spend you precious time trying to please him? Sure, you still considered him one of the best actors on the planet, but the things he did to you were not ok. He wasn’t ok. Maybe he really was a psycho or had some disorder he didn’t want to treat, you had no idea. But you knew it couldn’t continue like that. It was too much.

You spent an hour writing an email and asking to be laid off. It was just a few lines, simple and professional, yet you were constantly adding and then erasing new sentences. You shouldn’t make it personal, you thought to yourself. You doubted you could leave on agreeable terms, but you needed to give it a try. Even if your last argument with Mr. Stan might be the worst of them all, it would be your last one. It was worth it.

Sighing, you decided to take a stroll before going to bed. 15 minutes wouldn’t hurt, right? You’d have some fresh air and enjoy the view of Prague’s Powder Gate – you were lucky to stay right in the center of this magnificent old city. You could make some more photos to show your friends once you return back home. It was also nice to just sit on a bench and look at the night sky full of stars.

Maybe then you wouldn’t feel so guilty for leaving Sebastian and your team.

In the end, it took you way more that 15 minutes, but your late-night walk made your thoughts clear and left no regrets about your choice. What was happening between you and Sebastian wasn’t right, and you could do nothing but leave. With so many people wishing to work for him he would get another assistant in a matter of hours, and you would get your life back. Those money you earned would keep you afloat quiet some time even if you wouldn’t be able to get a job right away.

“What is this, Y/N?”

His voice almost made you jump. Sebastian stood up from the chair in the corner of your room once you put on the lights. What the Hell was he doing here so late? How did he open the door? If he needed anything, he could simply give you a call.

Oh. You saw your little black recorder in his hand.

“I told you I won’t use it anymore.” Your jaw clenched.

“I’m not talking about this piece of shit.”

He tossed your recorder on your bed as if he couldn’t care less and moved towards you so fast you had no time to step back.

“What is this pathetic email you wrote?” Sebastian’s handsome face darkened. “Are you not right in the head? You want to leave?”

“Yes, I do. What’s wrong with that?” Your expression hardened. He dared to touch your laptop when you weren’t there. “I thought you’d be glad to know. Today you told me three times I didn’t deserve working for you, correct?”

“You know perfectly well I wasn’t serious.”

“God, I have a hard time telling when you’re serious since all you do is hating me.”

He sent you an icy glare.

“You know I don’t hate you. You just happen to bring the worst in me, dear.”

There he was again. God, were you going to have this argument right now when you were deadly tired? You hoped it could wait till tomorrow, but it was clearly not your luckiest day.

“If you want to blame me again, it’s ok. I’m the worst one. I’m a bad person and a terrible assistant.” You squeezed your eyes shut and sighed again, scratching your forehead. “I get it. What I don’t get is why you aren’t happy I’m leaving.”

“Because I don’t want you to leave. If I really hated you so much, I’d already found another assistant, but I don’t want that.”

“Listen, let’s stop playing our games just for a few minutes.” This conversation made you feel even more exhausted. “We don’t get along. You don’t like me. Why do we torment each other? I don’t even remember the last time we had a regular conversation without shouting and cursing.”

“I’m not playing games with you, dear. You do.” He had already cornered you, his face determined and somewhat unsettling. “What do you want? A raise? More benefits?”

You were ready to yell at him again.

“Did you listen to what I just said? I want to leave. I want to come home and forget about all our horrible fights. I want to have a steady and boring job back in US. Do you understand?”

“NO, I DON’T!” The man screamed at you again, and now you suddenly felt his arms clenching your shoulders painfully and winced from his touch. “I already told you to stop toying with me! After all this shameless flirting and batting your eyes you wanna tell me you’re leaving? Do you think I’m so stupid to believe in this bullshit?”

It took you a few seconds to process his words. What? Flirting? Well, you did consider him handsome and charming, who on Earth didn’t, but you had never pulled anything like that. At first, it was because of your professionalism, and then your relationships escalated so fast you knew that he hated you and you hated him. What Sebastian had been even talking about?

You felt very aware how close he was once you felt his heavy breath on your face. He never did this before.

“Listen, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I want to leave. That’s all.” You tried pushing him back with your hands against his chest. “Please, let me go. I need to… t-to go to the kitchen.”

“You’re going nowhere, dear.” His expression darkened. “Tell me the truth. You don’t want me to treat you like my assistant? I get it, I get it, it’s fine. I can treat you like my girl in front of everyone if that’s what you want.”

“No! I – “

His put his hand on your mouth immediately, leaning in closer.

“It’s ok, I understand. I grew tired of pretending like nothing happens between us, too. You want me to let everyone now? It’s ok. I’ll post our photo on Instagram tomorrow. Is this what you want? Is this what you want?”

You tried to scream, but his grip on you was too strong as if Sebastian was really some kind of super soldier. Desperately trying to wriggle free you only got him to hold you tighter, his soft lips all over your face already wet with tears.

“It’s ok, dear. I got it.” He shushed you, trying to keep your arms together with his hand and pushing his knee in between your legs. “I’m sorry it took me so long. I understand now, so you don’t have to go. You won’t go, will you?”

You couldn’t answer him even if you wanted to.

[ill-advisedrecords]

Hey guys, Chris here again!

You probably know by now that I produce music on this label under the name “Dated”, but what you may not know is that I’ve also produced the upcoming Cyberghost album as my first real Dark Synthwave album. This is a pretty sharp left-turn from my usual work in lofi hip hop, so I wanted to go into a bit of detail about why I started making this sort of music, how I learned to do it, what I used to make it, and what inspired this project.

This story begins where all stories about getting into something new in 2020 will - quarantine. While I run this label like it’s a day job, I actually have a “real” day job as an administration manager for an art gallery. March came along, and so did the COVID situation, and I found myself laid-off for about 4.5 months straight due to a lockdown. The first few months were mostly spent playing videogames and watching movies, but after a while I started to get the itch to use the time a bit more productively. Around that same time, I happened to come across a track on Youtube which I hadn’t hear in a few years - Carpenter Brut’s “Escape from Midwich Valley”. While I had heard his music before, and enjoyed it quite a bit, I never really looked into more tracks by Mr. Brut, and had mostly just listened to the odd Perturbator album as my experience with dark synthwave. This time, however, it just grabbed me, and I spent days just listening to dark synthwave music and wondering how they all made it. As someone who has always worked with samples and knows absolutely nothing about music theory or sound design, I have always been mystified as to how people actually make “real” music. For whatever reason, the obsessive part of my personality kicked in right then and there, and I found myself looking for synths to download and searching “how to stay in key” on Youtube.

What followed was a solid month of spending about 16 hours a day doing absolutely nothing but looking things up, working on my own tracks, and watching 80’s horror films on Shudder every time I had to stop working to eat something. My girlfriend was coincidentally out of town for the month, so I was able to just go in hard on this whole dark synthwave thing. The first thing I found that really made it all possible was the “stamp” feature in FL Studio’s piano roll. As if magically, I could just pick a key, see what notes were within it, and then just always be on-key if I stuck to those. It took some time to figure out my timing and how to write something that didn’t sound terrible, but at least knowing I wasn’t falling out of key really gave me the confidence to play around with notes until I felt my riffs were getting catchier. The other biggest game-changer was buying some paid synths. Free synths are great and all, but their main issue is that they are generally built to make a pretty wide-range of sounds, and I found myself getting buried in massive preset libraries rather than being able to find those authentic 80’s sounds I wanted. I picked up U-He’s Repro-5 (which comes bundled with the Repro-1), as well as the TAL-U-NO-LX, which despite only being $50 USD is hands-down my most used synth. The TAL is lightweight, has a nice simple arpeggiator, and I honestly don’t think is capable of making a bad, un-80’s sound. The Repro was also great, and allows for much more full, complex sounds which still ooze 80’s vibes, but since it is a much more resource-intensive synth, I found myself using it less often due to the need to bounce sequences out to WAV frequently to keep my DAW from lagging after a few layers. That said, you can hear all 3 synths on pretty much every Cyberghost track, as well as a few later additions such as Serum and Mono/Poly.

That bit of research had the technical bits sorted out, but an album doesn’t write itself. The actual process for creating the tracks was loosely built around a concept - that of a mysterious, isolated town in the woods, being investigated by someone who gets pulled deep into darker events than they had anticipated. If that sounds a bit vague, well, that is intentional. I wanted enough of a concept to help me decide which tracks to make and how to arrange them, as well as what to title them and what album art to produce, but didn’t want some beat-for-beat script I had to illustrate through music. Also helping things along were the avalanche of 80’s horror films I consumed during the time I wrote the album (and consistently afterwards). Some standouts were Manic Cop, The Mouth of Madness, Sleepaway Camp, and Pieces.

It took about a month to get the first 6 of 8 tracks finished, and then I finished the remaining 2 tracks (which were Midnight Detectives and The Ritual) over the course of another month or two once I had returned to work. I drew a few designs for album art and picked one, which I posted in the last blog post, but later scrapped for what would become the current album art (the inks for which can be seen above). I’ve been a visual artist for a long time, so that was probably the most approachable part of this whole project.

And that’s the story of how a guy who can;t play any instruments or write music, and had never touched a synth before wrote a synthwave album in a few months. Whether it turned out well or not will be up to you folks once you can hear the full thing on the 11th, but I’d like to think it turned out pretty decent. If you’ve ever thought about learning to create something new, but thought it was out of reach, I’d urge you to push that negative voice down and just jump into learning about it without thinking. You’d be surprised how things can sort of fall into place, and the process of learning can carry you to a point where you can actually start doing without thinking so much about it.

The full album comes out this coming Monday, January 11 2021. If you want a sneak peek at the album, you can check it out here: https://youtu.be/HkBylYMa6wQ

The album will be available on a limited edition Type II blood-red cassette which comes with a special box and a signed 11x17 poster (limited to 100 copies). There will also be the usual unlimited cassette release, as well as our first CD release. I’ll probably make another post once the album is out to cover some of the physical options, as they just turned out beautiful.

[shirindanesh]

FAST-TRACK YOUR SALES SYSTEM WITH AGILE IN 90 DAYS - AND KEEP IT GOING

What if I told you there is a really simple way to accelerate your sales.

Sales leaders know what needs to be done in their sales pipeline but their problem is getting the team’s buy-in to fix it. You’ve got lags, blockages, overloaded people… everything that’s getting in the way of hitting your team targets. If everyone was on board with the fixes everything would happen faster, like a beautifully oiled machine operating smoothly.

Let me show you a system that will improve your sales numbers and fast-track your opportunities in your pipeline. 

“It's not a new sales methodology. “

In fact, regardless of what methodology you're using, this will work. 

1 - Visualise the problems in your pipeline: All relevant fixes AKA backlog of improvements

You are  aware of the fixes that need to happen in your system. The things that are currently not working, your pain-points.  You know that a lot of little things need to be improved. 

If you look at this simplified pipeline (for the purpose of this article); you can see it goes from Lead Gen→  Opportunity →  Proposal →  Contract mapped out in Trello. 

Let's get a sense of the type of improvements I'm talking about: 

In the “Lead Gen” stage, we are not using events well to create leads, or we're not using LinkedIn for lead generation. 

In the “Opportunity” phase, we don't have enough videos to show the demo, or we don't have any battle cards, or they are out-dated.

In the “Proposal” stage, we don't have a tracking system. So we don't know if customers are using our system or if they are interacting with the case studies or emails that we've sent. 

In the “Contract” stage, we know our current contract structure is old, and it's not easy to amend. And it takes a very long time, forward and backward, to get a sign off on a deal.

Pro Tip: To compose a backlog of improvements, think of your dream sales team and sales operation, think what needs to be done. Add that in your list. Get access to this Trello Board here. Duplicate it for your business and take it from there.

2 - Sizing and prioritising the sales pipeline fixes

Each of these improvement cards are associated with a metric. The key question is “How do you decide which one to go ahead with first?”

Actually, you don't!!!? Let’s walk through a case...

In this picture (above) you can see we have mapped out an end-to-end of a sales pipeline  at the back of the room. It has all the steps in the sales pipeline, from beginning to the end.

We invited the sales team. Some of the guns, a couple of the architects, SMEs, some of the newcomers, the hunters, the farmers, anyone that is working on the sales pipeline.In this workshop we asked them to map the pain-points across this end to end pipeline (using the red post-it notes you can see in the background). 

Sizing the improvement

Next step is about sizing the issues that the team has highlighted.  We ask them to use cards (pictured) to indicate the size and frequency of these problems. Now, everyone can see which one is the bigger problem. Next step we'll ask them to prioritise.

Prioritisation

All problems require attention but not all at the same time. This is actually a specific method of prioritisation. We ask the team, "Which one of these problems is the most important one from our customers’ point of view?" NOT which one is the one that makes more money for us. And you can tell from this picture which one was getting the highest point and will get nominated.

The dot-voting method

The dot-voting method is another option for decision making. This is a democratic method where you nominate the high priority items. This is useful where there is no data available because it harnesses the collective wisdom and team's understanding of customers. 

Each participant has 10 dots, in 1,2, 3, 4 

They place dots next to issues identified on the sales pipeline.

Issues with the most dots “win” and will be priortised to be resolved.

Other names for dot voting are multi-voting, sticker-voting, sticky-dot voting, dot-mocracy and dot democracy.

Pro-tip: To prevent skewed voting from  strongly opinionated team members, invite junior participants to place their votes first, while saving stakeholders or subject-matter experts for last. This approach protects the votes (and voices) of those who may be less likely to authentically contribute and may automatically defer to others.

3 - Implementing the Improvement

If we go back to the Trello board, the backlog of improvement cards, let's say the team prioritises three improvement cards for us: 

Lead generation Stage: We are light on lead generation, so let's look at LinkedIn. LinkedIn is the future.  

Proposal Stage: Our Battle Cards belong to the industrial era or stone age. 

We need to install a tracking system to make sure we are measuring the things that we want.

At the beginning of a quarter, we will commit to three prioritised cards.  Then we agree for seven sprints we will apply the change and see how we improve on the metric associated with them.

Why 7?

For seven sprints we will do what we need to do, and then we'll stop. Why is it seven? To change a habit or behavior in a person or an organization, which is made of people, you need to hear something seven times and you need to do it 21 times. However, before committing to 21 times, we stop at seven to see if it's working. 7 sprints can also be mapped to a quarter which works well for organisational financial calendars.

4 - Measuring the impact of change

After seven sprints we stop. We will do a measurement. When we are measuring, we want to always compare the results to get insight to see if it's working or not, or if it helped. We compare that quarter's results with the previous quarter, and we compare that with the last year, same time. That's to make sure that the change and the result is not because of the environment, and is a true change.

5- Zoom in at “Linkedin Lead Generation” Card

Let me look at ANOTHER item, so you get a view of what could be inside it. Let's say the team has never used LinkedIn before. We need to get our sales navigator license. We need to create filters so we know which accounts we're targeting. We need to create the right messaging sequence because we want to have different touch points with our clients. And we want to have a couple of case studies. 

At the beginning of a sprint, the team comes together and decides which accounts they want to target. Each day they will update their trackers to what they've done. That's basically a tactical way of looking at the activities. In our sprint review, we say, Okay, how did we go?

TEAM TRACKS THEIR ACTIVITIES RELATED TO THIS

Let me show you a tracker that we put in place a while ago. This was a sequence of messages, the period that we were using it, the delays, between each message and the team’s tracker. So they could show their progress. This is a simple tracker designed to show us the leads, calls and the impact of the change or activity. We go seven sprints with it and at the end we stop and compare the results. It’s as simple as that.

6 - The human element of this system

This system that I showed you allows you to get your team's buy-in.

Remember, you didn't tell them what needs to be done, you ask them and involve them in the prioritisation and decision making process.

What’s important is you’re moving from a "knowing" space to a "doing" space.

Many, in fact all sales leaders, know what needs to be done. But getting their teams to come along with them, that's their challenge. This system is a quite tangible method to get people moving and create momentum and results.

It’s also really helpful in terms of managing noise, if you know what I mean.

7- The metric that rules them all

One other point, probably the most important point of this 45-day plan ; each one of these improvement cards is for improving a specific metric, a number or a percentage. However, the whole system will improve one overarching metric; your "Funnel Velocity".

As you know we have two types of indicators, leading and lagging indicators. 

Leading indicators - you straight away see an impact after you’ve put a change in place. These are normally observable, behavioural changes and metrics.

Lagging indicators - are the result of change that we’ve put in place over a period of time.

Funnel Velocity is a lagging indicator.  

On a separate note, Funnel Velocity has an element of time to it, and it can be translated to an accounting concept of “Early Revenue Turn-On”. 

The two above reasons, being a lagging indicator and having an element of time, funnel velocity is a difficult metric to go after. For you to be able to change that or improve it, you need to do so many things in your system in order to be able to increase the speed of opportunities in your funnel.

If you are anything like me and you’d like a good challenge: improving Funnel Velocity is a good challenge.

8 - The 45-day Acceleration Plan

To bring all the theory and practical sides together, I've designed and tested a 45-day acceleration plan that is action by action to help you implement the process explained above.

The intention of this plan is to show you how to implement Agile ways of working into your sales pipeline. It’s innovation in leadership applied to sales pipelines to increase numbers

I am passionate about Sales Transformation with Agile. If you have any questions, any problems, or you want me to clarify anything for you, contact me,I would love to talk to you about this.

If video is more ‘your thing’ I’ve also created a video walking through this process for you.

Compose a backlog of improvements, think of your dream sales team and sales operation, think what needs to be done. Add that in your list. Get access to this Trello Board here. Duplicate it for your business and take it from there. 

Shirin Danesh is founder of Momentum Pipeline a program designed to make top-tier consulting practices in Agile transformation accessible to a wider range of companies. She invites sales leaders to improve one challenging but rewarding metric - Funnel Velocity. She is an Executive Agile Coach, working with futuristic, caring and ambitious executives to level-up their business. You can read her blog on Agile transformation here.

Article originally published on www.shirindanesh.com

[booknerdphd]

International Student Tips: Shifting Stuff

Hey guys!

So, I shifted to the US a day or so back and I’m settling in slowly. It is obviously a big mental shift, even if I did spend 6 years in the US as a kid.

I’m going to outline here the things everyone will have to do once they get here, things that are probably obvious, but maybe it will help people out. There will be a Part 2 of this post, I will link it here once it is up.

This post covers what you need to keep in mind immediately after you land. That post will talk about furniture, finding a place to stay, etc.

Immigration Stuff

You will find this from your to-do list from Uni or from the Government websites, but either way, here is a list. You have a 30 day time period (from your I-20 start date, is my understanding) to update all of this, but try to get it done as soon as possible. The sooner the better

1) Your I-94: As a kid, I remember my parents filling out this form, but luckily for us all, this in now all online. After you land and have internet connectivity, download the I-94. Keep your documents ready in digital form (page 1 of I-20, Passport with expiration details, F1 visa (except for Canadians)). You will need to accordingly upload the same for your check-in with University. Make sure this is all in pdf format.

2) Phone Number and Address: Once you land and take a day to just recuperate from your travel, head out to get a sim card. Research before hand what the best option is. If you’re already decided on the preferred service, it makes it easier to get it all done with quickly in a day or two. As for the address, you may be staying in a hotel or a friend’s place till you shift into your new place. Temporary addresses are accepted. I am actually waiting for my lease to start to update it, though, since my start date and my lease start date are the same.

What will Happen When You Land

Okay, so, while I am on the topic of immigration, let me explain what the process will be.

When you land in the US, you will first join a queue to interact with homeland security. This is the immigration point. This is your last test, so to speak. The person there has the final authority to reject you. Your F-1 visa is not a definite assurance that you will step on US Soil. 

Here, you may get some questions, and if they want you to discuss some more, they may send you aside to have a different person talk to you. Don’t be afraid, you will be fine. Just answer the questions and you will get through it. 

Once this is done, you get to the baggage claim. You will pick up your stuff and go to customs. They will have already identified and marked which luggage they want to check or deem suspicious. You will have to declare anything they think you shouldn’t be bringing.

Once this is done, you’re finished, you can now book a cab, get to your stay of choice and pass out (or not, please stay awake to avoid jetlag).

Money Matters

One thing that is a big question mark is how to carry your money or manage your money. I will provide two options that could work for you, based on what I did and based on what my friend did (though she was going to Australia).

Let me give you an understanding on what was different for us. She was staying with a family friend and her brother was already in Australia, so she went through a slightly different route from me. I was staying alone, though at a friend’s house, and I had no one in the country.

Given this, here are the two ways to manage:

1) Carry only Cash: My friend only carried some cash with her, and then her father transferred the remaining amount to her brother. Once she got her bank account (since she didn’t have any expenses like food or stuff like that), her brother transferred the money to her.

2) Carry Cash, Card and Transfer the rest: What I did was I budgeted two month’s expenses and broke it into 3 parts. One part I was carrying in cash, one part I kept on a forex card and one part I kept in my account in India. This money I had transferred once I opened my account. 

A forex card is a good option because it has a 5 year time period and you can also use it to just keep that money safe after you open a bank account. It was ideal for me since I was landing in the weekend and would have to wait a while to open an account. In this case, it would mean that without the card, I would have to use cash, which would end up with me getting looottss of change I would never be able to use. 

Keep in mind, however, that your forex card may have a set date you need to use that money by. Mine was 60 days, and I opened it in August. Make sure you put small amounts of money in it till you have to shift money into the bank account.  Also, check your atm withdrawal charges and see if you can put money on your card and then withdraw it all and deposit it in a bank once you set up a bank account.

Another option you guys could look into (it depends on how long you think it will take for you to get an account) is a traveler's cheque, which can be put into the bank afterwards. You set it up before you leave your country and encash it once you set up your account.

Misc.

1) Once you set up your account at the bank, make sure to ask them to convert some bills into a stack of quarters. You will need this for laundry.

2)  Once you land, make sure you keep yourself up for a little while- at least till 8 pm local time. Somehow push it through. It will be hard, because I landed in Seattle at 1 am India Time. I have no idea how I even made it to the damn apartment, but I did. Have some coffee, and take a long bath. Just push yourself till 8 pm and then pass out. It will definitely help with jet-lag.

Food

1) When all fails, in terms of figuring out what to eat, find a 7/11. Like, you will find places to eat, don’t worry, but just on the off chance you don’t want to spend too much money or want a big meal, just go to a 7/11. It’s not the healthiest option, but it is good enough till you buy something you can make (in your hotel room or the apartment you will stay at).

2) Buy bread and cereal. If you like rice, buy a small pack of rice. Rice, bread and cereal won’t require much work from you. If, on the off chance, you don’t have a fridge to use, this helps out with that as well. Long shelf life items like potatos, carrots, and onions are good too and can be used with the rice. When you are jet-lagged, half asleep and have no concept of the time space continuum, you seriously cannot be bothered to worry about earthly issues like feeding yourself. Eggs are good too, if you know you can finish them in the time you are in the house/hotel and have a fridge and cutlery to cook. Milk is important too, for the cereal, but buy the small tetra-packs. No one wants to lug food from one place to the other when you finally shift into your new place.

3) HOWEVER, don't feel like you need to do either of the above. For me, the 7/11 was fairly far away so I went to a Safeway, which was a 10 minute walk.  That is okay, don't push yourself to go for the cheapest of stuff if it's too far away. You will have some sort of grocery store nearby- go buy only what you need for a few days and once you feel up to it, look for cheap options.

[whiskynottea]

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27,  Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35,  Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44,  Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47, Chapter 48, Chapter 49, Chapter 50

AO3

A huge thank you to @theministerskat who puts up with me, and keeps betaing this story, 51 chapters in!

Chapter 51. Zambia 

Jamie had been right about one thing. It wasn’t the same.

Everything had changed. My timezone had changed, and two more hours crept in between us. Jamie’s obligations had doubled as he got further into the semester, and his free time became limited. My schedule in the medical program kept me occupied from eight to four-thirty, and then with afternoon clubs, I missed Jamie when he was waking up, and I couldn’t stay awake long enough at night when he’d get back to his dorm.

But the biggest change was the unmitigated disaster our communication had become. Or lack thereof.

The volunteer house had no wifi connection, and I had to walk to a nearby cafe to talk to Jamie, something that was impossible to do during the week since the only time he was able to call me at was midnight.

So I bought a Zambian SIM card and texted him. A lot. It still wasn’t enough, but it was the best I could do. I missed his voice. I missed seeing his face. The few times we attempted a video call all I had managed to see of him was a frozen image. Sometimes clear, sometimes blurred, because he had moved before the connection lagged. I had laughed the first time at the image of Jamie with his mouth open, his eyes turned skywards, as his voice came through the speaker with a relieved ‘finally’. I had thought the problem with the internet connection was random, and it would be better the next time we’d call. It didn’t.

We continued texting, trying to keep our lives intertwined. We sent pictures -- pictures that were pushing the limits of my patience because most of the time it took more than one failed attempt to get them through. Our messages often turned into long monologues, as the other was busy or sleeping. And then, when we had time to check our phones, we found long monologues in return.

That was how I found myself staring at a white piece of paper, brow furrowed, determined to write something that would be more intimate than a text on his phone.

My dear Jamie,

No.

My love,

No. Damn it! How was I supposed to write a whole letter when I couldn’t even write a greeting?

My sweet Scot,

Yes, that’s better.

My sweet Scot,

It’s me, your Sassenach, writing a letter to you, as if we live in the 18th century. I miss our century, to be honest. I miss proper internet connection. This 2G thing sucks.

I paused in my writing, sure that I wouldn’t give a damn about the internet connection if Jamie were with me. With a sigh, I shook my head to scatter those thoughts away. He wasn’t here, and he wasn’t supposed to be. Biting my lip, I continued, trying to focus on the positive things that had happened during the two weeks I had been in Zambia.

Being here is like moving into another dimension. I knew it would be different, but I never would have imagined people living on the same planet as us having such different everyday lives. I thought I was prepared when I landed in Africa, having finished the online training at home, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. I omitted telling you last week, but I panicked so much the second day I was here, that I started crying that night in my bed. It’s silly, ridiculous, and it makes no sense, but I felt lost. Alone. It was the first time that I could become lost and Lamb wouldn’t be there to search for me. I had to make it on my own. We had no guidance on how to live here and it seemed so hard to build a life from scratch in a country where I couldn’t even communicate well enough to buy something to eat. I was terrified, Jamie. And I didn’t tell you, because I knew you didn’t want me to come here, and I felt guilty and ungrateful for the chance given to me. Anyway. I’m much better now. I met Louise and she has pretty much made everything easier. She arrived two weeks before I did, and helped me a lot during my acclimation here.

Livingstone is beautiful. It’s rural and wild. Louise said we might visit the Victoria Falls next week, so get ready for pictures! It will be awesome to explore a bit, there are so many things to do!

I know I haven’t said much about the people I’ve met here, but they are usually around and it’s weird for me to be writing about them while they are looking at me. Louise is from France, that much I have told you. She’s a free spirit, straightforward, unabashed for what she says or does, but she’s also sweet and funny. She’s always smiling -- I don’t know how she does it. Sometimes I just want to start crying when I see the scarce medical resources available here. The equipment is limited, the clinics are under-staffed, and the patients too many. But then, that’s the reason I’ve come, right? To help. I decided to help in the children’s department, although I was really tempted to volunteer for the maternity one. Louise opted for the HIV treatment.

For the home-visits, I am usually paired with Margaret. She’s from Virginia and she’s really shy. She often gets lost in daydreams, but she is also so very patient and calm. During these visits we are supervised by Chikondi, which means ‘love’ in Chewa. Isn’t that great? Chikondi is a local caregiver and he’s amazing. His English is very good and he explains every little detail for us to understand what he’s doing and why. We mostly observe and assist him with small things now, but we’ll be able to do more once we get more experience. Yesterday we sat for almost an hour after an examination, listening to the stories of an old man who has been living alone since his wife passed away last year. They had five children, but they have all moved away. We were almost ready to leave, when he looked at me for a long moment and then just started talking. I couldn’t understand a word he was saying, but Chikondi started translating immediately. The man’s words rolled out in his deep voice, taking their time, but his eyes danced as shared his memories with us. And when he finished telling the last story -- how he made fun of his wife for her cooking, but they both knew she was the best cook in the village --  we gathered our equipment to leave and he rose too, saying that it was time to go to see his girl, because she was waiting for him.

It was impossible not to cry as I watched his dragging steps towards the cemetery. Chikondi said that listening to our patients and giving them comfort is just as important as the medical care and health education that we provide. In that moment, I felt as though I’m here not only to help heal their bodies, but their souls too. And it struck me that we’re not so different after all. It’s magical to be human and live, and feel and remember. And to be a human who has love and time to share with others creates a beautiful, inexplicable feeling. Like you suddenly realize you’ve been breathing your whole life, but you now relish in the action, something so simple, and yet so important.

We have been seeing the same giraffe I told you about every time we go for home-based care to the village nearby. We decided to name it Mani. I’ll take a picture tomorrow, so you’ll get to know him too -- I hope he’s a he.

The volunteer house is nice. We have a pool outside the house, and a BBQ, and we’ll probably organize a get-together tomorrow. Week days are way too busy, so it’s only Saturdays and Sundays that we have time for ourselves. Jeremy and I started a Reading Club and we spend almost all of our afternoons there, reading to the children. No matter their level of poverty or their illnesses, children smile a lot. I’m starting to believe that’s the common denominator that keeps us human. It’s strange, how the laughter of children brings adults together. It feels like they are the reason we can all function in the same equation. And most times I think that looking at tiny humans running around, playing, yelling, singing, is what keeps me sane and gives me purpose.

We’ll start health talks at the local schools next week. It’s mind blowing how important health education is. Even the simplest issues, like hydration, hygiene, and nutrition, have to be discussed. I’m excited to get into these classrooms, even more so because that’s where my mom volunteered.

I’m happy to be here, but I miss you, Jamie. I miss you so much. And I’m thinking of you all the time, I hope you know that. There are so many things I would like to share with you. Even the simplest things, like a flower or a sunset. Even though you wouldn’t care about them at all. At least the flower. You might have liked the sunset. We’re talking about going bungee jumping. I wish you were here so we could jump together.

Sometimes at night I dream that you hold me in your arms and I sleep better for it.

I’m now thinking that sending letters might seem really stupid to you, so don’t feel obliged to reply. We will text anyway.

I love you.

Claire

I finished the letter with a wistful smile, folded it, and wrote Jamie’s address on the envelope.

“Claire!” Louise waved from the door. “Are you coming?”

I secured the envelope between the pages of a book in my luggage, and headed outside. I would stop by the post office first thing tomorrow.

“What were you doing, Miss Bennet?” Robert raised an eyebrow, but his gaze didn’t leave the book he was reading.

“Ha, bloody, ha.” I replied, refraining from replying to his question.

At that moment, I realised that I had forgotten to mention Robert in my letter, but I didn’t know how to describe him to Jamie either. He was the oldest one here, but he didn’t talk a lot and his cocky behavior always made me wonder why he had volunteered in the first place. He was working in the adult department and organized the Math Club in the afternoon, so we didn’t really interact during the week. He was the actual reason, however, I didn’t participate in the Math Club. I didn’t want to be stressed during the afternoon activities, dealing with his sour behavior. Jeremy was much closer to the type of people I would usually be friends with.

“So, are we doing the BBQ tomorrow?” Louise asked, clapping her hands enthusiastically.

I shrugged and saw Margaret’s anxious gaze passing across all our faces, waiting for anyone else to speak first.

“I think it’ll be cool. We haven’t really spent much time together.” Jeremy was lying in a deckchair, and he rose on his elbows to look at us. “What do you think, St. Germain?”

“Why do you keep calling him by his last name?” I inquired, narrowing my eyes at Robert as I took the seat next to Louise.

“I don’t know.” Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows, as if he had just realized he had been doing that.

“I don’t mind,” Robert said. “All my friends call me St. Germain. Not that any of you would ever be anything close to my friends,” he added, and I grimaced.

“Of course your Highness,” Louise mocked him in return. “So, it’s decided. We’re doing the BBQ tomorrow.” She bit her lip, then, and looked around. “Where is Helga?”

“She had an additional first aid training session.” Margaret fidgeted with her skirt, then fixed her gaze on the swimming pool tiles.

Louise saw me observing Margaret, and she leaned closer to me. “She’s getting better. When I first came she hardly talked to any of us.” Seeing my questioning glance, she continued. “She’s not well. Her boyfriend died last year. Cancer.”

“Oh my God,” I whispered, trying not to seem upset in case Margaret chanced a look at us. She didn’t, but Robert did, and when his eyes found mine there was an expression on his face I couldn’t quite decipher. Something between loss and understanding.

Well, that was new.  

I had no idea Margaret’s time here was part of a healing process for her, and that made me realize I hardly knew anything about my roommates’ lives outside of Zambia, and certainly not enough to reach any conclusions on their characters. Maybe Robert had been an arrogant arse who began to change his attitude after volunteering. Maybe he had realized there was something more important than his little insignificant world.

“I’m in for tomorrow,” he said in his deep voice, eyes back on the pages of his book. I had seen him reading it the previous day and I had already read the book, but never mentioned it to him. It wasn’t that I wanted to start a conversation with him.

Louise shot me a questioning stare. “Yes, yes, I’m in, too,” I agreed. “Margaret?” It took her a moment to come back to reality and I noticed that her eyes were moist. “Will you come to the BBQ party tomorrow?” I asked, trying not to add any pressure to my tone.

She nodded and smiled, the colour of her eyes a deep chocolate brown that made me smile back.

“Perfect!” Louise stood up, stretched, and declared, “We have to go shopping.”  

“Will we invite the rest of the volunteers? The locals? I’m sure Chikondi would be glad to come.”

Robert rolled his eyes, but Jeremy agreed with me. With Louise’s and Margaret’s nods, he left the house to inform everyone about our little party.

“Tell them to bring food and drinks!” Louise shouted after him and he waved his hand, signaling that he had heard her.

Margaret rose from her chair, coming to ask Louise about the food and I joined them, looking at Robert over my shoulder. “Well, are you coming? Or do we have to do everything while you lounge here with your book?” I sneered at him.

He heaved a heavy sigh and rose, leaving his book on the table next to my chair. “Happy?”

“Whatever you say.”

“Let’s go!” Louise nodded towards the street and linked her arm with Margaret’s, leaving me and Robert behind. Robert smiled at Margaret when she turned to look at us, a real smile, and it was the first time I noticed that he had always been kind to her.

Maybe he’s not that bad.

When he looked down at me, a sly grin replaced the smile on his face. “Nice hair.”

I resisted patting my hair, even though I could feel that my curls had gone wild with the humidity, but I couldn’t resist huffing.

No, he’s definitely a prat.

Five minutes later we were in the town center, checking the food counters. I stood in front of a bowl of caterpillars, wondering if any of the rest had tried them. Chikondi had told me that ifinkubala were delicious, fried and served with tomatoes, onions and nshima, the staple carbohydrate of Zambia. They certainly didn’t seem delicious.

“Don’t even think about it,” Robert drawled, glancing at the bowl with disdain.

I wondered if Jamie would try them. He was always so adventurous with food. Seeing that he had eaten haggis regularly, I could easily imagine him eating caterpillars. I took a picture with my phone, smiling at the woman behind the counter, intending to send it to him when we went back to the house.

“Are you done?” Robert asked in a bored voice.

“Yes, I’m done,” I replied keeping my own voice as flat as possible.

“Let’s go then. I think we stayed long enough in the vicinity of fried insects.”

“They’re larvae, actually.”

He rolled his eyes, making it obvious how mundane he found this information. “I want to buy vitumbuwa for my afternoon tea,” he stated, as if I was in his service and I should buy them for him.

I struggled for a moment, trying to remember what vitumbuwa was without asking him. He must have seen my face because he snickered, “The fried dough balls with sugar.”

“Oh, right!” I smiled. I wanted to buy some of them too. And even though I wouldn’t admit it out loud, he was right -- they would be perfect with tea.

I checked my phone for any messages from Jamie, but I realized it was still too early for him. I saw his smile in my background picture, however, and smiled back, as if he could see me.

Jamie would definitely eat caterpillars. And if he’d like them, he would try to feed them to me too.

For the first time in the two weeks since I had arrived in Zambia, I found an advantage on Jamie staying back in Michigan. At least I could avoid the caterpillars without a battle now. Chuckling, I walked next to Robert, who shot me a strange glance but proceeded with his search for vitumbuwa, ignoring me further.

Not caring a bit, I smiled again. Today was Saturday. And that meant I could go to the cafe and call Jamie the moment he woke up.

Chapter 52

[lucy-travels]

6 mistakes I’ve already made in New Zealand

6 is a weird number, I know but, I tried to think of 10 and realised that I’ve done pretty well so far, to say that I didn’t really know what I was doing when I came out travelling here in New Zealand.

I’ve only been here for just over a week so I think 6 mistakes is great. But these are tiny things that most people probably wouldn’t even think of so don’t follow in my footsteps and read this post on what NOT to do!

1. Planning my flight to get in at midnight

This was probably the worst of the mistakes I have made throughout this whole post which is why I have placed it first to make sure you don’t do this.

The thing is with getting an international flight into a foreign country isn’t just the fact that you’re going to be knackered in general but it all the things you have to do whilst you’re knackered. For example: after collecting my bag from the conveyor belt and getting through customs I then had to order a taxi. I chose Uber as I thought that this would be the safest way to travel to my hostel. It’s tracked and you can clearly see who’s picking you up. This leads me to another mistake I made. We’ll call this mistake #1.5.

1.5. Cards/ travel cash cards

Make sure your travel cash card or credit card that you were going to use in your new country is attatched to your phone already! Mine wasn’t and I was paying for my taxi ride + all sorts of bananas and breakfast stuff for the next day with my Apple Pay alread set up wth my British bank and god knows how much they charged me for using that!

1. Back to number one

So, as I was saying I was incredibly tired and I got to my first hostel at around 1:30am. I’d never been in a hostel before and I was lugging around my big backpack, along with my carry on. Luckily I let the hostel know that I was going to be late checking in and someone was there at reception helping me check in. But the real problem began with the room as it was pitch black and I didn’t want to wake any of my roomates up with noise that I was making! I had to rustle through my bag to find my toiletries and then had to take everything out so I could find my PJ’s and clothes for the next day as I did not want to have to repeat my actions again in the morning.

Tired and jet-lagged I went into the shared toilet and got myself sorted only having to go back in the room and make my bed. Nightmare. It felt like one thing after another. Trust me when I say that arriving in your hostel at midnight is the worst. I definitely did not make friends that night. I only got about 2/3 hours of sleep that night as I was due to be picked up by a tour bus at 7! I think I’m only just shaking off the bags under my eyes from then.

2. Not checking if I need a Visa

I bet you’re thinking - Lucy this is probably the first thing I would’ve checked, and you’d be right to think that as I did the same. As soon as I booked my flights to New Zealand back in March I did exactly that as I checked all the countries I was planning on flying to including NZ. The government site told me that there was no Visa required for a British citizen to enter the country and so I went on with my travel plans not thinking of that as an issue again.

Fast-forward to October 12th. I’m at the check-in desk at Manchester airport with a huge grin on my face and the lady saw where I was flying to and asked me if I’ve got my Visa. I said no, with confidence, and there becomes my issue. “No problem” she says, “just buy one online now and it might come through today”. MIGHT. You can tell that I massively panicked on the inside and held the tears in, thinking that I wasn’t organised and made a mistake. I mean, I literally wasn’t even a big deal as it only took like 5 mins for the e-mail confirmation to come through but after months of planning you wouldn’t think the last thing to get for the trip wouldn’t be at the 11th hour at the check-in desk.

So, moral of the story is double check EVERYTHING. I don’t care if you got confirmation of your hotel reservation months ago. Check again just in case you got the wrong date or the wrong room. Check to see if you need a Visa the week before you leave for your trip just in case they change the regulations like mine did! October 1st 2019 they changed the regulations... 11 days out. Bloody typical.

3. Not asking for a window seat

I’m the type of passenger who likes their room. I’m an aisle seater because I like to stretch out and go to the toilet without having to ask the person next to me to get up. But in this instance I was on the 2nd leg of my flights and I got an aisle seat, however I knew I wanted to sleep on this flight and it would’ve been much more comfy if I was leaning against the side of the plane. What did actually end up happening is that I fell asleep on the aisle seat and the two guys next to me we’re pretty much bursting for the loo and didn’t want to wake me. Bless them. They pretty much charged passed me as soon as I woke up. I don’t blame them. But also, as I was asleep I was being knocked by all the trolleys and cabin crew down the aisle so I really didn’t get a decent night sleep. If I had just asked to switch I’m sure they would have obliged as I think the aisle is the favourite. 

4. Not bringing enough warm clothing

This is a big one as well! Why did I think going to New Zealand in the Spring time would mean sun all the time. It doesn’t. So far I’ve spent most of my time in my one jumper I brought with me and my leggings. Not once have I worn my shorts as it’s just too bloody cold for that. And I’m in the North island! I can’t imagine how cold it is down South.

I pretty much packed 5 t-shirts and 2 long-sleeved t-shirts (just in case it was cold 🙄) and about 12 vest tops. What an idiot. I’ve already done a load of washing since that’s all I’ve worn. Gloves and hats have also been worn so don’t underestimate a well-known warm (kind of) country being flipping freezing most of the time.

5. Bringing too much cash

It’s always good to bring a load of cash because you never know when you’ll need it. Most places take card these days but a lot of the time there’s the option of paying cash. I found myself using my travel cash card more than anything as it’s obviously the most efficient way for me to pay my accomodation on my phone and activities I was doing. So, I saw my balance going down on my card and I still had a load of cash that I just couldn’t really use for any of the common things I was paying for. So I’m kinda trying to use up my cash so I don’t have loads to carry around with me and to make me feel better about not seeing my bank balance decrease severely each week. Really, I think cash should be used in emergencies. There’s not really a time you’d need unless you were somewhere remote but, it is a good idea to keep hold of some.

6. Not bringing talcum powder to the beach

I think this is a widely know travel tip now but if you don’t know here we go. I was at Hot Water Beach, Hahei a couple days ago and we got the chance to dig a hole in the sand and relax in the hot bath it created from the water. It was such a relaxing experience however, afterward standing up in the cold wind, sand flying everywhere and feeling the sand in your bikini bottoms from the bath it was the most uncomfortable experience as everywhere hurt! Now, if I had talcum powder with me I could’ve covered myself in it which dries up all the moisture on my body, allowing the sand to fall off easy. I had to sit on a bus for 30mins with the sticky sand on my body, itching me. When I could’ve used talc and felt relaxed. Good tip.

Those were my top 6 mistakes I’ve made already in New Zealand and I’m sure there’s loads more to come. I hope this had helped you see the small details of travelling and how to avoid these mistakes. If you’d like to comment or give me a dm I’d love to hear your thoughts on what you want to know whilst I’m out here!

[dramarising-replacement]

http://dramarising.com/post/179781043640/does-anyone-remember-when-plague-was-a-fucking-dom

completely unnecessary, but as a 2013 "oldie" who was involved in dominance, I'll give everyone around here a little story of what dominance was like back before the LvP. of course, my view is likely biased because I really love plague.

around the beginning of the site, for the first three or four months, dominance was a very different program. dragons were expensive compared to now because there were so few of them for so many players. hell, triple basic guardians sold for 30k at the bare minimum when I was first starting to play. getting my first dragon was also a pain in the ass because the coliseum was not feasible for me or probably 80% of the players on the site. the lag was so horrific, I don't think I touched the coliseum for a solid month after I joined flight rising. 

so, no coliseum + expensive dragons = a different strategy, or at least for the first three months of the site. and which flight took advantage of that? Ice.

ice was the smallest flight by far and it somehow had the reputation for having a handful of very rich players. these were players who basically bought obscene amounts of gems back when the g:t ratio was like, 1:80. (no, seriously it was that low). literally only a handful of players, like 5 or 6 buying hordes of dragons and exalting them all (at level 1, too) was enough to give ice dominance whenever it wanted. this wasn't a huge problem this specific group of players thought it would be a lovely idea to try to break the site-agreed upon tradition and hold dominance over fire's holiday. it took not only every other flight, but even other members from Ice literally donating money and dragons to fire to keep their festival week. fire managed to win, but it was a close call for a while. unfortunately, as swapping flights wasn't a feature, everyone in ice was collectively labeled as an asshole for that event.

things changed after that event (in my opinion, at least) and plague started to form a coordinated effort to win dominance. unlike ice back in 2013, pretty much every push that plague planned was heavily coordinated and carried out by a large and strong group of users. exaltation elite (E.E.) and the rainbow squad were created so well that I think we used those spreadsheets for 3 or 4 years after M created them. users were organized by role and encouraged to go beyond simply buying expensive dragons and exalting them. plague's strategy was to plan efficiently and effectively - so that combined with the changing dom atmosphere (dragons were cheaper, the coli was more accessible) was what truly made plague prosper like it did. 

once again, however, times changed. I'm going to start with an earlier event - fire vs. plague. the battle took place in may of 2014, very closely after the april 2014 registration window. the april registration window was the biggest window yet - the site didn't have a window from october to april so the population of each flight had remained pretty consistent/equal until then. plague, possibly due to its known status as a powerhouse, got a lot of users from this window. plague became a pretty big flight and fire still remained at about the same size.

plague was leading the battle for a while . . . and then we lost. moreover, we lost at the last hour, when fire pulled off the most incredible strategy I've ever seen in my history on the site. they hoarded their dragons for the last few hours of the battle. pages of dragons at level 25 were sitting in lairs with 100 spaces and fire exalted them all within the last hour of the fight. the hatchling floor was also at a staggering 20kt by the end of the fight. it took everyone on the E.E. team by surprise. we were disappointed by our first loss, but we took a lot from that experience and strove to make ourselves better. we lost a lot of founding members of E.E. who had to leave due to real life situations. also, some left for lightning.

fast forward to july, after another registration window, and plague picks up more players. this time, plague picks a brawl with ice. by this time, ice was considered to still be pretty competitive, but they weren't as good as plague (as plague had beaten them before fire vs. plague). this battle was very intense, and some strategies kinda popped out of nowhere. there was a lot of chaos, but by the end of the week everything had been put in place. plague used a new strategy - buying fodder as a flight at once to artificially drive up the price of dragons (sooner than later). this strategy virtually saved plague's ass on the last day of the fight and plague pulled an upset on ice. 

then, there's plague vs. light. i'd say that out of all the battles i've been in, this one was by far the most competitive. the battle was neck-to-neck, with the fodder floor nearing 20kt. light won, but plague was very, very close behind. i think this kinda symbolized the downfall of plague's program.

prior to this, plague's strategy of pure coordination for dom pushes was also being brought down by light's strategy of "it's just normal to constantly exalt as a mode of profit, even if there's no planned push. we win without planning". it's why light still has a reputation for making money; it's true! by now, exalting has been easier than it's ever been. plus, coordinating takes time. and now ... well, there aren't enough people in plague to coordinate all of those programs. it was really draining for plague dom coordinators in particular to manage all of those programs, prior to LvP. so now i can see why plague's rank makes sense. it's simply an evolution of a strategy to win.

[melien]

10 questions tag

I was tagged for this one by @tulipssunset and @tiny-tany-thaanos but could never get to it until now. It sounded nice, though, and able to feed my love for rambling. Thanks for tagging!

Answers under the cut.

1. What is the first Sims game you ever played?

It was Sims 1, in October 2008 when my school friend gave it to me as a present. However, it crashed before I could even pick a family, and I didn't touch it again 😂 So, I consider the beginning of my sims journey to be December 2008, when the same school friend gave me Sims 2: Life Stories and I was hooked. The rest was history.

2. What is the first Sims game you bought?

I think it was TS3 base game. I was notable for borrowing discs from my classmates, so it took a while before I started buying my own copies.

3. What is the last Sims game you bought?

One of TS3 games, probably. I torrented my TS4 because I wanted to try it but it’s very expensive in my country (TS4 with all the packs literally equals my monthly salary) so I'm not spending so much money on the game I play once in a blue moon and close after ten minutes of playing.

4. What sims game are you currently playing?

TS3 forever! Strangely, I haven't touched TS2 in more than a year (it must be my longest time ever without this game), and as I already mentioned I play TS4 once in a few months and don't do anything special there, mostly recreate my TS3 sims. So, this game really doesn't have competition for me, even if it's so awfully slow and my entire life is a fight against its lag.

5. What is your favorite world?

My all-time favourite world (neighbourhood, whatever) will always be Strangetown. I don't talk about it much, but every time I think of this town, it just brings back all the warm memories and special feelings. I don't think I'll ever give up my love for it.

As for TS3 worlds, I like many of them, actually almost all of them: Sunset Valley, Isla Paradiso, Bridgeport, Twinbrook, Roaring Heights... I have certain nostalgia connected with each of them. But you know, since I'm a time travel freak, Oasis Landing just has to get an honorable mention.

6. Who is your favorite pre-made family?

I love all the Strangetown sims and families, literally all of them. Exploring their relationships and connections is so interesting and I'll never get tired of it, even though I don’t consider myself an active part of TS2 community anymore. Therefore, I obviously love their official recreations in TS3 (ah, the Beakers in Aurora Skies and the Specters in Midnight Hollow, don't let me start! And the teenage me used to annoy sim gurus on Twitter to bring back the Grunts around the time when the last pack came out and TS4 was announced. I recently learned my dream came true as their official recreations were released with Strangerville, lmao)

7. What packs do you wish you had in your game?

Continuing the pattern from the previous questions 😂 I'd really like to play Strangerville! I feel like me as a Strangetown addict would enjoy it.

8. Who is your favorite sim you made?

I’m actually very satisfied with my TS3 sims style (it’s like, the only thing I’m good at), so I like most of the sims I create. If I could choose from the latest ones... well, I had a blast playing Jaivati Lilygreen and her save, and she also has a very exciting personality, so I’ll go with her.

9. How many years have you been playing the Sims?

More than ten years already. I dread to think how many hours in total I have played this game! I can't say I have regrets, though.

10. When did you start your Simblr?

Late 2013, when I was an angsty teen who was obsessed with Simple Plan. Now, so many things changed... for example, I'm now an angsty adult who is obsessed with Simple Plan! Yay! But if I'm serious, I only started posting somewhat decent stuff a year or two ago. I didn't delete most of the old posts because I sometimes look back on them and laugh. It shows how I've grown since then.

[cloudynames]

Point and Flex

hi everyone!! happy holidays!! i hope you’re all spending time with your family or friends~ i wanted to get this up before christmas but i was caught up with too much aha please accept this as a late christmas present <3

Word Count: 3,654

Rating: PG-13

Warning: one (1) swear word [shocking i know]

lets winwin!

----------------------------------

A white letter with gorgeous red lettering and a prestigious gold stamp changes your life.

Coming home that Thursday afternoon from school and holding your acceptance letter made you anticipate your graduation. Things were coming along so quickly you hadn’t even noticed how summer flew by and you were on your way to Seoul, dancing for The Korean National Ballet.

Sitting in your small dorm, you unpacked quickly and ran to the window, peering out at the city around you. Excitement filled up in your stomach, only to disintegrate when your calendar clearly marks that your evaluation day was tomorrow. Huffing and flopping on your bed, you started to realize how intense of a situation you’re in.

You’re overseas in a country you’ve never been to before! Barely being able to speak the language, the only thing you have is your dancing abilities. You would have to work as hard—no, even harder than the other students to qualify and dance for the theatre. The gravity of your situation slowly sets in while your anxieties rise and you groan.

“This sucks!” You yell into your room, directing it to no one.

The next morning you, suffering from jet lag, hurriedly burst into the studio, still arranging your hair and not even having properly stuffing your bag with everything you need for dance.

Multiple dancers turn their head to you, some scoffing and some smirking. Either they saw you as pathetic already or someone to mock. .

Placing down your backpack, you grab your pointe shoes and toe cap. Fear for your feet creeps into your body as you dig through your bag, checking every pocket.

“No, no, no… Where’s my toe spacer?!”

“Do you need one?” A voice quips and you whip your head to them. A boy with brown short hair and a slight accent stands above you, holding out a new toe spacer.

“Thank you so much! I really do appreciate it.” You grin and he sits down besides you.

As you prepare your feet, Ten questions you, “We don’t get many foreigners. Are you new?”

Nodding and standing up, testing your pointe shoes, you respond, “Yes. I’m a first year.”

“I’m Ten! I’m a second year. Last year, I was The Beast from Beauty and the Beast!”

You awe in amazement and respond back with your name. The two of you chat for a while until everyone is called into the huge, modern dance room. You nervously shift around until the wooden door opens with a man holding the door. Your shoulders tighten at the sudden sound and you keep your best posture, wanting to make a good impression on your new instructor.

A creaking sound gradually grows louder and louder. People seem to be startled and they whisper in a tongue you don’t understand. Turning to Ten for assistance, he keeps his eyes front to the mirror.

First, you see legs and then wheels. A man with dark muddy brown hair and sharp eyes arrives in the room, and he slowly moves himself over to the center of the room. Adjusting himself accordingly, he booms with a loud voice.

“Welcome.”

A wave of relief washes over the students but you wonder who this instructor is.

And not to be noisy, but what happened to his legs?

He looks incredibly intimidating and with a huge figure, it drives anxiety up to your throat. Aren’t wheelchairs supposed to make you look small?

“Let’s take thirty minutes to stretch. You may talk quietly among yourselves.”

With that, you immediately rush to Ten’s side and while in a lunging position, you ask, “Who is he?”

“Dong Sicheng. We call him Winwin.”

“Is he nice?” You whisper, falling into the splits and remembering to point your toes.

“Nah. He’s kind of a prick but he has the right to be. He’s a good instructor and he pushes you to your limit. He truly makes you a better ballet dancer.” Ten admits, going into a backbend.

“So what happened to him? I mean his legs of course.”

Ten sputters and collapses into the ground, clearly shocked by the audacity of your question. “How am I supposed to know?”

Soon your time to stretch was over and the terrifying instructor thought it would be best to go across the floor to evaluate where some people are at.

“Let’s do a pirouette, no—make it five pirouettes. I want a grand jeté and finally a glissade.”

A slow melody of piano music fills your ears and the taps of pointe shoes hitting the floor have your head spin in anxiety.

Soon enough it was your turn and you listen carefully for the counts to start.

“5, 6, 7, 8–“

Your body tenses and relaxes all at the same moment as you become one with the music. Coming all the way from your home is scary, especially since there’s a chance that you might not end up achieving your goals. Yet, you’re here for a reason. They accepted you and you were going to shock everyone.

At the end of your glissade, you turn to go to the end of the line. Suddenly, a loud voice barks up, “Point your toes on that jeté or I’ll make you do fifty more.”

Turning your head around from hearing the sudden English, you meet eyes with Winwin and you swear you could see the flash of a smirk. Feeling your face flush red, you hide your face by staring at the wall. Ten gives you a small pat on the back while you hear snickers fill the room.

You were the first one to be called out that day.

After class, you had to go to your mandatory core classes and you were completely swamped with work.

“I can’t believe I have to write an essay already!” You exclaim, falling back into your bed and pushing your laptop aside.

“Yeah, yeah. That’s college for you.” Ten mutters, slurping loudly as he finishes his ramen. “Can you buy me another one of these?”

“Hell no.” You respond, not even glancing at him until he shrieks.

“Oh my god! The ballet this semester was announced! We’re doing Cinderella!”

Pushing yourself off your bed and rushing over to Ten’s side, you steal his phone and scroll a bit until you see the English text.

‘We are proud to announce this semester’s ballet, Cinderella! With the success of Beauty and the Beast, we knew we had to perform another Disney ballet. More information will be coming soon. Thank you.’

Ten grabs his phone back and rolls his eyes about how rude you are.

“Ten, I have to audition! I mean, it’s Cinderella! My dream was to be her while I was growing up.” You sigh happily, flopping back into your bed.

Ten shoots you a grin, “Go for it. I’m cheering you on!”

If you weren’t determined before, you were definitely more determined now. You arrived an hour early to class and after your core classes, you would go back for another two hours to practice. It was tiring, especially trying to keep your grades up, but you loved every second of it. It was lonely at times but with the support of Ten and Taeyong (a third year and a new friend!), you felt like anything was possible.

“I’ve spent at least fifty dollars on ice this month. Most of my money goes to my ballet supplies!”

Ten nods, understanding your situation completely and Taeyong laughs.

“Are you auditioning for Cinderella? Auditions are in a month.” Taeyong asks as he points and flexes his toes.

Sighing loudly and fiddling with your ribbons, you reply, “I would love to. I don’t think I’m in condition to though.”

Taeyong pats your back as an attempt to comfort you but immediately removes his hand as Winwin announces class will begin. Taking a gulp, you mentally prepare yourself for hell.

A rough four hours later, class finally was coming to an end. You were huffing and panting loudly as Winwin finishes his notes for the class. Not paying attention and playing with your hair, the sound of your name scares you and perks your head to turn to your instructor.

“{Y/N}, I want to speak to you after class.”

You could practically feel the mockery drifting in the air from your peers. Nodding a quick ‘yes,’ you grab your bag and slip off your shoes in the locker room. Outside, Ten and Taeyong were waiting for you and offered small smiles of condolence.

“Sorry, but you’re dead.”

Taeyong punches Ten in the arm and pushes him aside.

“Don’t listen to him. I’m sure it’s nothing. Maybe it’s about you playing with your hair!”

Weakly smiling back and waving at them, you watch their figures slowly disappear and you mentally hype yourself up to face the one and only, Winwin.

The door creaks open just like how it did on your first day and you find Winwin on his phone.

“Pardon me…” You excuse yourself in Korean but cringe afterwords at your poor pronunciation.

“Don’t try speaking Korean. I can speak English just fine.”

You gulp and feel your body heat up instantly. A few minutes ago you were just dancing in this room and it has never felt this hot until right now. Quietly praying to whoever is out there, you ask that this session of reprimands will end soon.

Winwin finally looks up from his phone and stares at you. “I overheard you talking to your friends about the Cinderella audition. It’s true you want to audition, right?”

“Yes, it’s always been my dream.” You chose your words carefully. Obviously you were treading in deep water, you didn’t want to say something that might offend him.

“Listen, don’t take this personally, but I can help you with auditioning. However, that means more practices and I suppose you can call ‘brutal’ with my methods. Yet this is all up to you. I don’t make final decisions for anyone.”

A blank stare set upon your face and all your brain could think about is shock. Is he really offering this proposal to you? Just as equally important, why you?

You endure what seems like an eternity to you when you finally make a decision. All you hope now is that you won’t regret it.

“I would be grateful if you helped me.”

After that, weeks of grueling practice came. It felt like all you did was go to practice, school, private lessons, study, and maybe sleep while on the bus. The routine was brutal but you knew exactly what you were getting into when you agreed. Yet being burnt out was bound to come.

Eventually that breakdown did come and it happened on a Friday night. Ten and Taeyong wanted to go out and get a few drinks since they haven’t seen you outside of practice. However,  you politely declined as you knew you had your private lessons. Failing an exam the day before also put a damper on your moods. You couldn’t risk ruining their night out.

“You need to extend your body more. I need to see good posture.” Winwin barked out orders, watching you intensely from his wheelchair. After you had failed to do what he wanted, he angrily scribbled down notes which would later translate into a workout punishment.

Everything came crashing down quite literally as your attitude spin caught you off guard and made you almost trip while coming out of it.

“What the—Hey, are you alright?”

You sat on the ground, bringing your knees up to your head almost in a cradle position. A loud sob shakes your body and streams of tears soon coat your face.

It was all too much—Winwin, your family questioning about your grades, the stress of being in a new country, the lack of friends. All you wanted to do was go back home where you knew everything would be safe.

The groans of the wheelchair snapped you out of your self-pity party and you stood up once again, brushing away stray tears and breathing harshly to calm yourself down.

“Hey,” a soft voice calls out, “lean down.”

You glance towards Winwin and he has an unreadable expression on his face. His arms are extended towards you and you nearly jump in them. At this point, you don’t care who is hugging you. You craved affection and if Winwin was offering you some, you were taking the opportunity.

Sobs filled the now quiet dance room and Winwin could feel the sadness flowing through your body. He felt every bit of loneliness and anxiety. Before this, he had never understood why you seemed so tired and scared. He understood it all the second you poured out your feelings. Hating his poor conversation skills, he wish he could reach out and offer words of encouragement yet nothing seems to come out.

On that lonely Friday night, he canceled your lesson and rubbed your back as you expressed everything you had been holding back. More importantly, you finally got some well deserved rest after that night.

Soon enough, Saturday came and you were already at the studio bright and early. Tying your ribbons of your shoes and hearing two voices, you raise your head and wave to Winwin as he walks in. He held a white bag on his lap and just as you were about to start your audition routine, he abruptly stopped you.

“Wait, I haven’t eaten breakfast yet.”

Nodding, you continue to stretch in silence.

“Have you eaten?” Winwin asks, taking a bite out of a banana.

Shaking your head no, you reply, “No. I usually don’t have time to eat breakfast in the morning.”

Suddenly, a banana is thrown at your head, barely missing you.

“What the hell Winwin?” You fume at him, grabbing the banana and threatening to throw it back at him.

He laughs, smiling joyfully. “Eat up. You need it.”

Your body goes hot and you give him a small smile. You wouldn’t mind if you heard that laugh again.

A new routine was formed from your old boring one. You would come into private lessons and Winwin would feed you. Slowly, your relationship changed. It wasn’t an instructor and a student anymore, but a genuine friendship. Soon enough you discovered that he is two years older than you, adding fuel to your growing affection towards him. The desire of you wanting to know him better grew and you wanted to become greedy with him.

You would achieve your desires as the two of you became closer friends. After doing a continuous amount of fouettes, Winwin called you over for a break.

Slumping down beside him and drinking out of your water bottle, a container of food gets shoved in your face.

“Winwinie, I can feed myself you know!” You whine, still opening the container and eating the gimbap.

“Oh, I know you can. I just never see it.” He teases.

The two of you banter for a while, joking around with each other and soon forgetting ballet.

“Winwinie, you know so much about me, but I wanna learn more about you.” You turn over to see his reaction and his mouth is slightly agaped, shocked by the sudden confession. The tips of his ears turn pink, steadily spreading to his cheeks as well. Deep down inside, you want to just kiss his cheeks.

“W-Well, I’m actually from China. I came to Korea to study ballet and I fell in love with it. I’ve been here ever since I was in high school. My parents gave up a lot for me to be here.” He confesses, playing with his fingers.

“Ahhh, I’ve always wanted to visit China.” You remark, trying to comfort him in the smallest way possible.

He gives you a sad smile, “Yes, I miss my home all the time. Sometimes, I wish I could just quit and be with my loved ones.”

You place a hand on his, rubbing the back of his hand. “I know it’s tough. We need to achieve our dreams though.”

He nods and bites his tongue, looking spiteful. “I can’t though. Not anymore.”

You take a peep at his wheelchair and your mind begs you to ask what happened. Manners are important and you stay quiet, continuous rubbing circles into his hand.

“I can never dance again. All because of a car accident.”

How does one comprehend such a statement? Your heart tries to reject how sad he feels, but it only makes it hurt more. Winwin trembles and you look up into his glossy eyes. Reaching a thumb up, you brush away a tear that had fallen.

He is the one pulling you into a hug now, so similar to that Friday night. He tells you all his worries and fears while you comfort him.

The relationship between Winwin and you changes drastically. Ten and Taeyong even notice it the second they walk into practice on Monday morning.

“Why does Winwin keep staring at you?” Ten whispers, almost shooting eye-dangers into him.

You push his shoulder, “Oh my god Ten, he’s just looking. It’s nothing.”

Taeyong chuckles and rolls his eyes. “Just nothing my ass.”

With a ‘hmph,’ you move to a new location to stretch until Taeyong and Ten came crawling back and apologizing five minutes later.

After class, Winwin had a lecture about how important this week was, especially for those auditioning for Cinderella. Every time he mentioned the ballet, you felt like puking. You’ve been training for so long, but you were terrified that there would be no pay off.

Winwin pushed you harder than ever that week and every ounce of his kindness had disappeared. Once was his soft eyes now became sharp, pointing out every flaw you had made. Your heart felt torn apart. Every time you tried to joke with him, he brushed you off stating that you needed to work. You even once tried hugging him after a lesson but he only responded by pushing you away seconds later. Had you really been imagining Winwin being so caring towards you?

With all the heartache you’ve experienced this week, you channeled that into your audition. You felt every single emotion you’ve felt while in Korea and let it influence your performance. Imagining all the love and sadness and anxiety, you gave it your all. Walking out of the audition room lifted so many worries off your back, but you still felt numb towards it all.

Nothing feels right because of Winwin.

Saturday came and you spent the entire day in bed, too confused and tired to do anything else. You were playing a game on your phone until you received a text from Ten. Growling and almost throwing your phone, you check what must’ve been so important.

[Ten]

The results are out for Cinderella! I’m the Jester hehe~ Tell me what you got too!

Your heart rate suddenly speeds up when you read the text and you rush to your computer. Logging into your school’s site, your eyes skip around to the cast list. Closing your eyes and taking a deep breath, you read off the first name.

{Y/L/N} {Y/N} - Cinderella

You nearly faint. Jumping up from your seat and texting all your friends and family, you start wilding dancing in your room. Excitement couldn’t explain how happy you felt at that moment. Without thinking, you text Winwin.

[you]

r u at the studio?

[Winwinie]

yes, why?

[you]

wait there, ill be there in a few!!!

You grabbed the nearest and cleanest thing around you and slipped in on. Dashing out to the bus stop, you couldn’t hold in your excitement. You were practically bouncing the entire ride.

As soon as it was your stop, you ran to the studio and bursted into the room.

“Winwin! I got it! I got Cinderella!” You yell, approaching him and giving him a wide smile.

His eyes light up the second you state that and he pulls you into a hug, dragging you down a bit as well.

“I’m so proud of you.” He breathes, hugging tighter.

You pull away and smile fondly. “Thank you for all your training.”

He blushes, “I-It’s not that big of a deal. Besides, you achieved your dream!”

You smile and hold his hand. “How about I help you achieve yours?”

You’ve been developing a plan for quite some time to help Winwin achieve his dream. Confusion spreads on his face and he replies, “How? I can’t use my legs.”

“Who said we have to use legs in dance?”

With that, you turn on your phone to a melodic piano piece. Grabbing his hands, the two of you gently sway. You only let go to turn him in a spin.

Even though it was a small gesture, the look on Winwin’s face made it so memorable. He was grinning the entire time, laughing as you spun him and tried to dip him.

As the music slowed down, you spoke up. “Why did you push me away his week?”

He sighs and squeezes your hand. “I wanted you to do well. You’re so similar to me, it’s terrifying. I don’t want you to destroy yourself over failing to achieve your goal. I would never want that to happen to you.”

You’re silent at this. No words could explain how much you appreciated Winwin. However, actions could.

You bent down and kissed his cheek. Contrary to what has previously happened, his face didn’t heat up.

He gently grabs your chin and pulls you closely to his face. Chuckling, he leans in and kisses you. There weren’t any fireworks or any bubbly feeling in your chest. You just felt warm. It felt like home and all your worries washed away for good. He nibbles on your bottom lip teasingly and you push him away, giggling right after.

“You missed my lips the first time.”

“Maybe I won’t miss the second time.”

[yourknightingale]

Platonic As In Just Friends

Summary: Beca has already met Chloe's mom and she's also letting Chloe be touchy with her - all in just a span of one year of knowing each other in Barden. Oh how their friendship blooms!

"Remind me again why I'm with you and your mom shopping in this crowded mall on a Saturday afternoon. You know, the opportunity cost of this is me, in my room, doing mixes, which to be very honest with you I would rather be doing."

Chloe feigns shock. "Oh, please. You already know it that my mom loves you. If anything, she forgets she has a daughter – me – her only daughter, and treats you like a honey you are." She then playfully pinches the girl's right cheek. "My brothers would probably enjoy your company, too."

Beca can't help but just roll her eyes. The Beales are really one of a kind, like they're a different breed. She's not usually a parent-friendly kid but she guesses with the right family, she can be.

"Beca, honey," Mrs. Beale calls out. "Would you mind going with me inside this lingerie store? They're having a sale and I want to see if I could find a brassiere my skin colour. For when I wear my casual outfits, dear."

The brunette's eyes widen a little at this blunt remark and she can hear Chloe's laugh as she gets pulled into a store. She doesn't even recall answering Chloe's mom's request but at this point, it's not a surprise anymore.

The 3 ladies spend a good few hours walking around the mall, checking a few items out, putting them back, and buying both unnecessary and necessary things. Beca believes Chloe is just an impulse buyer to which the redhead disagrees.

"Don't listen to her, Beca. She knows she's impulsive that one." Mrs. Beale adds. Both she and Beca chuckle when they see Chloe give her mom a look.

They make their way to the parking lot and while Beca helps put some stuff in the trunk, she hears Mrs. Beale say, "Did you two notice the two lesbians walking in front of us earlier?"

"Mom!" Chloe yells, her hand on the passenger seat door tightening.

"What, dear? I'm not saying anything wrong. I was just asking!" She goes in to the driver seat and calls out to Beca to come in when she's done.

When Beca settles in the back seat, she tells them she hadn't notice. "I was busy looking at my shoes."

"What made you say they were lesbians, mom?" Chloe asks.

"They were holding hands. And they walk really close to each other."

"Friends do that, too. I think I saw them and I actually didn't think they were lovers or anything. Also, even if they were, good for them for being out like that."

"I know, dear." Mrs. Beale sighs. "I just don't know what it is these days. But I just want to tell you that I don't have a problem with it." She takes Chloe's hand while her other clutches the wheel, driving away from the parking lot and into Barden.

It's a little past 6 by the time they reach the campus. Mrs. Beale leaves them both a thank you and a goodbye kiss when she drops them off and disappears into the streets.

Beca and Chloe decide to grab something to eat. Because of a lot of bickering on where to go and what to get, it's already dark when they were walking home. They're taking their time on this lovely night stroll around the university, crossing over the empty pool arena, way past the radio station, and into the dorms.

The girls are almost at the Bellas house; they just have to cross the green field. Beca, however, lags behind the redhead and stops walking. "Hey, Beale. I may not show it enough but I really like your mom. I didn't think I'd enjoy these kind of things but since meeting you, it has been okay."

Chloe turns to look at her. "What do you mean "okay"? I know you're a weirdo but not this sappy kind of weirdo. Must be that coffee. Did they spike it?"

"Haha. Yeah, no. I mean, I told the Bellas how I never really had a lot of girl friends before but now, I'm really feeling this. You know? I'm enjoying our friendship so much that I even feel comfortable meeting your mom. I never would have imagined something like that happening to me."

"I'm liking this." Chloe takes a step closer to Beca. "Go on."

The brunette continues, "You're the weird one. But hey, you're the reason why I was able to hold back when Aubrey is around so I guess, I'll keep you."

"Seriously, Becs, Aubrey is starting to like you. We won the championship. And you played a huge part on that so she can never really hate you… even when she wants to." Chloe winks. "Also, I'll be around. I'm doing my year again, remember?"

"Oh yeah! Russian Lit is a sucker."

"I know."

The redhead stretches out her arm for Beca to take. When she does, Chloe entwines their fingers together. Suddenly, Beca remembers Mrs. Beale's words from earlier.

"Is this okay?" She snaps out of her trance upon hearing Chloe's voice. "Do you feel comfortable?"

She's certain that the senior is thinking about the same thing. But she also agrees that some friends are just THAT close together. She's known Chloe at least a year and look how far they've come already. Beca still isn't as comfortable like this with every Bella but Chloe is a nice start.

With Chloe, it's good.

With Chloe, it's safe.

It's Chloe.

She doesn't have to entertain any unknown feelings yet.

"You know what, lemme just.." The smaller girl scrambles to move to the other side. "There. I'm a lefty. My right hand is holding your left and this feels so much better." She then holds their entwined fingers up to emphasize it to Chloe.

"Right. Good one." Chloe mumbles.

They carry on in this position until they reach the Bella's doorstep.

"I know you and the girls don't move in until Wednesday," Chloe starts, letting go of Beca's hand, "but you can stay the night tonight. We can watch a movie! Unless you're not done packing up?"

"I literally just need to box my equipment but I'm good to go tomorrow if I can." Beca teases. "And I know you're only suggesting watching a movie even though you know I hate movies because you like listening to me "critic" these movies from "an outsider point-of-view". Beale, you're killing me. But between this and Kimmy Jin, this is the least evil."

"I'm glad you like hanging out with me, too!" Chloe pushes the door open. "Come on in to your future home."

The movie plays in the background and Beca can hardly pay attention because Chloe just talks. She doesn't mind; she's not really here for the movie.

"I'm surprise you and Jesse aren't dating yet."

"Yeah, well, it was more of an apology than anything. I think I just got high from winning, that's all."

"Right right, of course. Totally makes sense."

Even when the movie is at its climax, the two still go in and out of random conversations.

"My dad saw it coming. Should've seen the look on his face when I told him I'm staying."

"Gotta give it to Dr. Mitchell, Becs. Don't worry, we'll take care of you here. I'll take care of you personally."

"Wow, Chlo. I'm not 5 but thanks."

The movie is at its last scene where these two teens from this romcom (Beca doesn't know the title) finally kiss and both girls are quietly watching.

"See, this is what I don't get." Chloe points at the screen with her palm, ready for a debate stance. "Why does this happen in every high school romcom? They know each other a short time, they talk for less than that, they kiss and it's the end."

Beca tries to level with her and jokes, "Well, Chloe, when two people love each other.."

"They don't even have to love each other. They just kiss for fun."

Beca turns to look at Chloe with a frown. "You sound like you don't kiss for fun."

"I do. I believe kissing is fun." Chloe sighs in defeat and just gazes at Beca. "These kids just make it look so easy."

"Chloe I-Can-And-Will-Date-Anybody-I-Can Beale is commenting on how some teens from a movie makes dating and kissing so easy? Wow, this is news." Beca notices how the redhead's stare lingers even when she already turns her head towards the tv screen again.

"Surprisingly, I don't get everybody I want. Some I have to hold back."

Beca can still feel the burning gaze that Chloe is giving her but she refuses to look. She refuses because she knows if she does, she's gonna end up wanting to kiss Chloe. And she knows if she starts thinking about wanting to kiss Chloe or actually kissing Chloe, their platonic relationship won't be so platonic anymore. No more platonic dating. Platonic hand-holding. Platonic sleepovers. Beca knows platonic kissing will cross the boundary she has laid for her friendship with Chloe. What they have is enough for Beca. For now.

"I think I'll go out with Jesse."

The next thing Beca knows is that she is wrapped around Chloe's arm in a tight hug. It's a bit awkward because they are sitting on the carpet with their backs on the couch but Chloe somehow manages to envelope all of Beca in one scoop.

"That's good to hear, Beca." She hears Chloe say in her ear. "Go for it."

Although a bit taken aback, the brunette decidedly puts her arm around Chloe, too. She may not have anticipated her own strength that she somehow pushes Chloe down the floor, still in an embrace. The other girl laughs as Beca holds them both back up in sitting position again.

It's a longer hug than normal friends do but what's normal for them, anyway, Beca doesn't care. "You think so?" She whispers to Chloe.

Chloe ever so slowly pulls back and puts her face an inch away from Beca. With those blue eyes staring into her and hot breath hitting her face, she finds it hard to move. She's starting to feel something when she catches Chloe nod a little.

That's it.

Then she touches Chloe's forehead with hers. Like she's trying to convey what she doesn't even acknowledge yet.

They're going to be platonic college buddies, she thinks as she dims everything out.

[hannahharrington]

CRYING IN EUROPE (postcards from italy)

I struggled with whether or not to post this; I still am, honestly, because it is very raw in every sense. This is something I wrote a year-minus-two-weeks-ago, holed up in an AirBNB in Rome, about losing my good friend Jaymee and the bizarreness of having the best and worst time of your life simultaneously. I did not look at it ever again until a few days ago. It wasn’t written to share with anyone, only because I needed to put thoughts down at the time. Any editing has been very minimal.

The last section I wrote yesterday.  

CRYING IN EUROPE (postcards from italy)

1. The first time is on the first day. I land at Heathrow only to find out the express train isn’t running because of the snowstorm and the tube is beyond fucked. I nearly cry out of frustration and jet lag exhaustion but I don’t. I end up emerging from Shepherd’s Bush Market half a mile from the hotel and have to drag my suitcase through blustery snow that whips me so hard in the face it makes tears leak out of the corners of my eyes.

2. The second time is the next morning, five minutes after I first find out you’re dead. I guess the first five minutes are a mix of me just having woken up, an hour before my alarm, still on New York time as I scroll idly through my phone messages only to see it blowing up with the news; and maybe shock can be used as an excuse, even though we all knew it was coming.

3. Over the Hilton London Kensington breakfast buffet for Hilton Honors Members. I’m telling Barry how I was supposed to see you before it happened. My voice cracks and eyes overflow with tears, and I’m apologizing and Barry is being so kind about it even though I can tell he’s not really sure what to do or say, which is okay because I don’t know either. It occurs to me later that in all the years we’ve known each other, this is the first time I’ve ever cried in front of him.

You said you were terminal, and released to home hospice care, and I told you I would fly to California if you wanted and read you mean celebrity blog comment sections, like how I did for you when you visited me in Brooklyn (I’ll never forget how we laughed until we cried like middle schoolers at a sleepover). I followed your lead in trying to blunt reality with a joke because that’s what you always did. The last thing you posted on any social media was a repost of our Facebook “Friendaversary”, saying how you were due for another one of my dramatic readings. I was going to buy a plane ticket when I got back from this trip. I was supposed to be there.

4. The first cigarette I smoke.

5. And the second, all while thinking about how terrible a person I am for smoking because you hated it and hated having cancer and hated that I would do something that could make me sick. You wanted me to stop, and if this were a movie I’d quit on the spot. But it isn’t and so instead I stand chain-smoking and hating myself.

6. In the shower.

7. We go see the Hamilton matinee hours after we find out, and it’s the cruelest twist of fate, experiencing this thing you loved so deeply and brought into my life and that we shared together. You’re the reason I saw it with everyone else at the matinee Obama attended. I lost the lottery, the lone one of all of us without a way in, and I was feeling a little sorry for myself and about to leave. I went to say goodbye to you, and immediately you pulled your Jaymee magic and got me a ticket at the literal last minute. And it really did feel like magic.

When you first saw it at the Public, I tried the lottery and lost, and I joked for you to go on without me, to die a million happy deaths. You said if I were being mugged and you were the only one who could save me, you’d still make me wait until after the show. I know if I skipped it you’d literally come back to life and kick my ass. But that doesn’t seem like a bad deal. I’d never see Hamilton again, I’d burn all of my playbills, even the one from the off-Broadway run I got signed by the original cast at the stage door. I’d tear the donut bag in half, the one we joked about being good luck, the one I had Lin-Manuel Miranda autograph. I’d do all of that if it gave me five more minutes with you.

I keep my shit together more or less until the second act. When Hamilton pleads to Washington with Why do we have to say goodbye?, I start crying and don’t stop until curtain call.

8. Right before I left on this trip, I threw together a playlist for my phone. The last song I added was Eva Cassidy’s cover of “Fields of Gold”, thinking it’d be pretty background soundtrack for train rides through lush, rolling Italian countryside. A year ago I went down one of my weird little Internet research rabbit holes and read all about Eva, her melanoma, how she died and her last performance, and wondered why there hadn’t been a movie made about that particular beautiful tragedy. After Hamilton I tell Barry I feel better, like it was an emotional release, but then the next afternoon we go to a pastry café and they play a jazz standard cover of “Fields of Gold” over the speakers and my chest seizes.

9. Friday night we’re supposed to meet up with Jen for dinner before she flies back to Philly. I’m sick to my stomach in the cab ride over to her hotel, and when we get to her room I drop my purse and hug her and don’t let go. That thing happens where I’m trying not to cry and it makes me cry harder and I can feel Jen crying too. We sit and Jen and Danielle talk about their travels and the whole time I feel on the verge of throwing up. Finally I say we need to talk about you, about what we’re going to do. Jen says June told her sometimes in Filipino culture they ask for donations for the family instead of flowers, so she’s not sure what’s preferred. I don’t know why I was expecting Jen to have more information, something to make me feel better, but nothing she tells me does. I take one of the Ativans my mom gave me for the plane ride because I can’t calm down. You said they gave you Ativan at the end. You said it helped. It helps me too.

I excuse myself from their room and get lost in the dimly lit maze of their hotel, until finally I find a side exit to the courtyard, and I light a cigarette and text my mom, who happens to be around. I try calling, but this stupid SIM card I got won’t let me connect to the US, so I wait until I’m back at the hotel and Barry is out at his show. The instructions to dial out don’t tell me the overseas rates, but I call my mom anyway, and spend twenty minutes on the phone with her sobbing like a child.

When we check out of the hotel, I’ll find out the call cost me over a hundred pounds, which probably with the obscene exchange rates approximates to three hundred dollars. I rationalize that’s what I would have paid out of pocket for an emergency therapy session anyway.

10. I find your aunt on Facebook and ask her what the family wants done. An hour later she messages me back to say flowers would be lovely. Your mother is beside herself with grief, she says. You were her best friend, she says.

It feels better to be doing something, to feel productive, so I make it my mission to organize the flowers for your memorial. The whole next day between sightseeing at Kensington Palace I’m looking up florists in San Mateo, figuring out who wants to contribute, making sure everyone is included. Bridget agrees to place the order. It’s midnight my time when I run downstairs for a smoke. Bridget and I are trading texts, trying to figure out what to write on the card. I’m not a writer, she says. You should do it, she says. I start crying because I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. When I go to head back into the hotel, a British girl with blue hair sees me wiping at my eyes. She calls me love and asks if I’m okay. I’ve been in New York too long; my own public meltdowns don’t even embarrass me anymore. I’ve forgotten that the rest of the world doesn’t politely ignore you when you’re losing your shit on the sidewalk. I know how I must look, crying messily in my pajamas, walking around like an open wound just bleeding over everything.

I try to stop the tears long enough to assure her I’m fine, really, and when I stumble out the words that a friend of mine just passed away, she grabs me in a hug before the words finish getting out. She’s so nice that it makes me cry even more and I let her convince me to take the free cigarette she offers. She tells me she’s here with her gay husband and I joke through tears that I’m here with mine too. We stand and talk about Camden Market and the magic of New York at Christmastime, and when she’s satisfied I’m not a suicide risk she adds me as a friend on Facebook.

11. Things feel different in Venice. I start to feel like maybe I’ve hit the bottom of this, it’s only up from here, and even as I’m thinking it I know it’s delusional. I had the same feeling when my dad died, and I learned then that grief is not linear. There can be moments where it’s all temporarily bearable, only for a fresh wave of pain to knock you flat on your ass a minute later.

But for most of Venice I feel lighter, like the darkest clouds of the storm have passed. We get lost in the labyrinth of alleyways and eventually I duck into a Murano glass shop. Back in January when I went to Fort Myers, I took an Uber from the airport, and for the first time ever I had a woman driver. During the drive to the beach somehow the subject of this trip came up. I mentioned I’d be in Venice, and she told me how her day job was at an art gallery. They made jewelry from Murano glass, a Venetian technique. She made me promise to seek it out when I went.

The shop has all kinds of figurines, and in the back corner I discover these thimble-sized cows. Cows were your thing. Not just thing—borderline obsession. I still don’t know what it is about them you loved so much, but you did. When I was in Amsterdam I passed by an actual Cow Museum, snapped a photo of the storefront and sent it to you. You couldn’t believe I didn’t go inside. Now I’m here in Venice, looking at these little cows and thinking of you, and of course I have to get them. I scoop four of them into my palm and go to the cashier and whatever part of my heart that’s been healing over gets ripped open raw again. My throat burns too much for me to manage anything more than a cursory grazie as I watch him bundle them delicately in bubble wrap. It almost feels selfish to hurt this much, when there are people in this world who loved you longer and harder and better than I did. But I do.

12. In Florence Barry and I split up for the day. He runs off to the Duomo while I visit the Ambrogio market, the one the owner of our B&B tells me is for locals. I pick up random ingredients for my mother, whose burgeoning interest in the culinary arts still baffles me considering I subsisted on almost nothing but microwave dinners as a child, and two sweaters for myself. 

I’m back at our apartment-sized suite, arranging the packaged pasta and sun-dried tomatoes on the wooden table for an Instagram photo when I click some random button that takes me to my inbox.

There’s only one message in there and I realize it’s from you, from over two years ago. I click to see it’s a video taken in Marie’s Crisis. Some pitch perfect soprano sings bars from an unrecognizable show tune at the piano, and then you turn the camera to yourself, bobbing your head along with a coy smile. I can’t believe it. I click out accidentally and have to Google for instructions on how to find it again. The video is only fifteen seconds but I watch it ten times in a row and then put my head down on the table and cry until it hurts.

13. Bucket list items have a greater sense of urgency now than they used to. At the last minute I find a woman who agrees to take me to a horse farm in Tuscany. She meets me at the Piazza Cavalleggeri behind one of Florence’s countless gorgeous ancient basilicas and takes me to meet her business partner so he can drive. He’s an old guy who speaks zero English, and it becomes evident when he climbs into the driver’s seat that he has Tourette’s. Every ten seconds his tic makes him jerk the steering wheel so the whole car swerves. We lurch our way up narrow roads that wind up huge hills, endless greenery on all sides, the woman chattering happily about vineyards and olive trees as I brace myself in the backseat, positive the guy is going to tic us right into oncoming traffic and certain death. It rains on the way there, and the woman worries it’ll be too wet to ride, but sure enough we arrive and the sky clears up just long enough for me and two other American girls to go for an hour-long trek. It’s been ten years since I’ve been on a horse, and I’m nervous about it, but the second I’m in the saddle everything comes back to me. We ride through steep hills, surrounded by the kind of scenery that’s beyond picturesque. It’s so gorgeous it doesn’t look real, like an oil painting. For the first time in days I feel a weightless kind of happiness. I know as it’s happening that this is something I will remember for the rest of my life.

When the woman drops me back off in Florence, I trip over myself thanking her profusely, holding back tears because I don’t want to explain that that was maybe the most beautiful experience of my life and I’m so grateful that for three hours the Jaymee is dead, Jaymee is dead, Jaymee is dead track stopped spinning in my head.

14. Rome is a welcome change of pace. I like big, bustling, metropolitan cities; they make me feel comfortable. Safe. Even just through glimpses out the taxi window I can see Rome is bursting at the seams, vibrant and colorful and a startling clash of ancient and modern. Our driver asks where we’re from and I say New York. He laughs and tells us he doesn’t like America, but he likes New York.

On a tour of the Vatican museums, our guide shares all the juicy stories of how Raphael and Michelangelo loathed each other, and the illicit love between Antinous and Hadrian, and we marvel at the frescos on every wall and the breathtaking scope of the Sistine Chapel and the inside of St. Peter’s basilica.

I was skeptical as I always am of anything to do with organized religion, but you liked the new Pope. You thought he was progressive, refreshing. You’d joke all the time about your “Jesus problems”, how you struggled to reconcile your Catholicism with your personal politics.

Afterward Barry scurries off to scale the bell tower. I ask our guide if there’s anywhere in the basilica to light candles, like how you can do in St. Patrick’s. She tells me it’s not allowed—it’s too much of a hazard, especially after a crazy man declared himself the second coming of Jesus and attacked Michelangelo’s Pietà with a hammer, chipping off fifteen pieces in the mayhem, including Mary’s nose.

Instead of waiting for Barry outside in the square I retreat back into St. Peter’s, to the closed off chapel. The guard asks me if I will be praying. It forces me to confront what I’m really planning to do, and after a heartbeat of hesitation I stutter out a yes, slip through the parted curtains to the pews. I’ve never prayed in my life; I have no idea how to do it. I look to see how others around me kneel and try to imitate the stance, hands folded in front of me, knees against the padded rest. It all feels clumsy and awkward until suddenly it doesn’t. Suddenly I’m just crying. I watch my thick tears plop onto concrete and absently wonder how many people before me have spilled salt on these floors. Probably a lot.

I don’t know how to pray. In my head I’m just screaming please forgive me, and I don’t know if I’m saying it to God or to you. I guess I know now what Catholic guilt feels like.

I should’ve been there. I should’ve brought Schmackary’s cookies and the good luck donut bag and flown out to California and seen you. Why didn’t you tell me how bad it was? Why did you have to make your yes a joke? (A quip about doctor’s orders, it comes as no surprise you embraced the gallows humor.) Why couldn’t you be earnest? Why couldn’t just say I need you right now, I don’t have much time, please be here? Did you even know? Because I swear I didn’t. I thought I could wait. I thought you had more time. None of it fucking matters because I can’t forgive myself, not ever.

…And that’s it. That’s where I stopped writing. I didn’t cry on European soil again after that. Not because the last cry was cathartic or healing; it wasn’t. The healing would come later, long after my plane touched down again in New York. It happened in ways I can’t explain, slowly, until one day the thought of you didn’t automatically bring me to the brink of tears or knock the wind from me like a sucker punch to the gut, where the tenderness of loving memory ran parallel with the heartbreak rather than being subsumed by it. Eventually the day came where I could think of you and how you were and what we shared, not only of the ways I failed you. A year later and I still think of those too, sometimes. And there are still tears, sometimes.

I feel like I always had this idea that you go through The Worst Thing and life just evens out after that. My Worst Thing happened when I was in my teenage years and I was supposed to be in the clear afterwards. But life doesn’t work that way. There’s no plateau, no neat ever after. And every so often we break in ways where yes, you can scrape the pieces together and carry on, but you’re never made whole again. You’re never the person you used to be. You become a new version of yourself, mismatched and full of jagged lines, and you find a way to forge ahead.

In the immediate soul-crushing wake of the 2016 election, someone created a Subway Therapy project in the tunnel of the 14th Avenue station that stretches from Sixth to Seventh. I went to see it then, a modern day marvel: the long tiled wall papered with thousands of bright post-its, each full of encouragement and commiseration from fellow grief-sick New Yorkers. The sight was a life preserver in the sea of misery I’d floated in that entire week. I was not alone in the feeling, however singularly devastating it felt.

Countless others have been here. I am not the only one to have shed my tears on ancient chapel floors, unable to imagine I would ever feel okay again. Experts painstakingly restored the Pietà after the attack, but if you were to find your way behind the bulletproof glass and touch the Virgin Mary’s cheek, you would still feel hairline traces of their work, a difference of texture; if you were to peer close enough, you would see the faint lines on marble that belie its pristine repair. It was broken once. It could not be remade exactly as it was. It’s no less a masterpiece.

That day in the 14th Street station, I peeled off a blank post-it and wrote out an Abraham Lincoln quote I’d read once: Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better… And yet this is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again.

Time buffers out the rough edges. It is the only thing that does.

[bts-love-sweat-tears]

Julie’s Love Yourself Concert Diary

Concert Date: September 29, 2018

Written: September 30, 2018

Warnings: I curse more than I should?

Words: 3,330ish-added a few  things at the last minute (phew!)

A/N:

[Update: Tumblr couldn’t upload all my photos that I spent awhile choosing and placing, so I’m going to have to pare it down. Sorry bbs! I opted to cut my personal & merch photos in favor of the boys]

So I have one thousand and one things I should be working on-for school, for work, for my eventual job hunt. But instead I am going to write about last night’s experience while it was still fresh in my mind. I was thinking of doing a song-by-song play-by-play, but you can look up the setlist on Wikipedia, so instead I am going to talk about the things that jumped out at me. WARNING: This is essentially one giant spoiler, so I will try to put a “Read More” cut, though it’s been being weird for me lately. So scroll carefully if you’re going to a later date and don’t want to know. All photos taken on my (now ancient) iPhone 6, so I tried to choose the best ones). Will edit as I see typos I made.

I’m a little nervous since I usually write fiction instead of sharing my personal experience. Anyway, full disclosure that this is just my perspective, and I’m (always) happy to discuss things (civilly) if you disagree with me.  <3  Photos and opinions are mine.- please don’t re-post anywhere else.

The Background/ Pulling a Namjoon and Leaving my Ticket at Home

Even though I was going to the Saturday show, I flew into LaGuardia using frequent flyer miles on Friday morning. I was staying with a friend in Queens, so I went straight to her apartment. I’m a grad student as most of you probably know at this point, so I spent most of Friday working on a paper that was due. I had two friends I met at last year’s concert going to the Friday concert, and they went for merch promptly at 9, but I had just arrived and had a deadline to meet for school.  Around 4:30PM, I decided that I was done for the day and opened Ticketmaster to print my ticket for the next day’s show. When I logged in, I saw the notice that the ticket had been mailed to me. I remembered having seen that when I bought the ticket in May, but in my defense I was jet-lagged and ill on that day. Furthermore, I moved to and from NYC in that time for a summer internship, and SO MUCH HAD HAPPENED. The tickets had been mailed while I was living here and I had never seen them, so somehow it slipped my mind. Obviously I lived too far away, but I didn’t know if I could express overnight them, but I think when I called Ticketmaster, the old ones were deactivated when the guy tried to send me the link.

Anyway, print at home was not an option, so I called Ticketmaster and in a panic explained my situation. They said it happened all the time and offered to send me a link. Luckily I kept the rep on the line, because it turned out that even they couldn’t email a link because of the anti-scalpers/fraud/whatever.

Then the rep said that I could show the credit card, but I had literally cut it up the week prior since the Vendor (e.g. the store that the card was through) had switched their card to a different bank (e.g. Visa to Mastercard), so I seemed shady af, even though I was telling the truth. He said as long as I had a login to a statement showing the transaction (I didn’t, since they had opted to close the account at an institutional level).  So I called my mom frantically, and luckily she is the hyper-organized type who keeps paper copies of everything and sent them to me. Seriously, Mom for the win!  I run to this print shop as it’s closing and print everything out.  I had the Ticketmaster receipt & order #, and two photo ID’s confirming my address. The guy said it should be fine, but I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. This was my one birthday gift and something I had been looking forward to for months. Anyway, my friend and I went out to a local bar near the Halsey (yes, the singer took her name from the station) stop on the L line, and I was super anti-social because I was so upset. I also burst a blood vessel in my eye  (it will heal, no worries) because of too much birthday partying the prior weekend, so I’m sure I was a (sour) sight to behold.

I slept poorly for obvious reasons, and left the apartment around 7AM, and arrived to Prudential center around 8:30ish. There were only a few people outside of will call, but the GA line was already wrapped around the building. I made small talk with people outside of the box office, and one woman told me she had gotten soundcheck both days. Seriously, what kind of karma do I need for that to happen to me? She and her friends had been camping out since Thursday, and they were SUPER organized: while she waited in line, one was at merch, and someone else was holding their GA site. I almost wondered if they were a fansite or something. ARMY are a truly organized bunch (except for me, clearly).

Anyway, after another half hour of pure anxiety, they opened up will call and I was panicking, but they were really helpful and gave me my ticket after I verified the order number, showed my id and confirmed some other personal data. I decided then and there that nothing else mattered and I was just happy to be there and be in.

Waiting in line/Logistics/Staff

I left the box office, and got into the GA line. It was probably around 9:15, and the line had already doubled-back on itself all the way around the building. The woman from earlier told me that her friend had got #1000 and was only 3 rows back, so I still had some hope. Basically, you line up to get your spot in line- though it’s kinda dumb that you have to line up twice, it makes security go faster and guarantees that there isn’t a huge surge/stronger people cutting  in line later.

I wore what I thought were my most comfortable shoes, but after standing on concrete for hours, I don’t think it makes a difference. People were so friendly though-  I never once felt awkward even though I was by myself. The same was true last year- the friends who had gone up for merch on Friday I met while in line at last years’ Wings concert. I chatted with people around me, drank the two bottles of water I had, and looked at my phone. Bring an umbrella for shade and sunscreen though-I didn’t and am rocking a nice farmers burn/tan today.  It wasn’t humid though, and it wasn’t raining, so it could have been so much worse.

Even though there were tons of people, everyone was well-behaved. I didn’t see any altercations, though as the day went on the staff seemed a bit overwhelmed with crowd control.  I didn’t see too many people selling unofficial merch like last year, though I did buy a few necklaces (Joon and Chim, ofc).

After 3.5 hours, I finally got my wristband. They told us to be back by 2pm to line up for real, as they were going to try to open the doors at 3 instead of 3:30 (didn’t end up happening).

Merch

I then ran to merch, but there wasn’t much left. The fans/pickets were selling out as I got in line, and people were basically yelling “NOOOOOOOO” everytime the staff put up a “SOLD OUT” sticker. I bought what I could that was left, including a bracelet, which I’m actually in love with, the eco-tote (super overpriced tbh, $50 for a canvas bag), but the shopper bags were gone and I needed something to carry the box and batteries V3 ARMY Bomb I bought. I had one from last year that I also forgot, but I think the new version was cool because they are synced up with the music so you can change colors and patterns along with everyone else. Overall, it’s EXPEN$$$$IVE, but if anyone’s worth it, it’s Bangtan.

Newark

I was getting super tired after this, so I kinda passed on the photo studio table, big poster, and UNICEF stuff. I tried to go to Starbucks, but even though it was the middle of the day, I didn’t feel that safe, even though it was like 11:45 in the middle of the day. I’m a 27 year old who’s lived in Latin America (which is generally stereotyped for violence), solo traveled around the world, and I’m from the Rust Belt (aka home of true urban decay), but that part of Newark sketched me the heck out. Probably it would have been fine, but I opted for caution, and went to a Dunkin Donuts and empanada place right around the corner. The timing was actually good since we had to get back pretty quickly to line back up.

The second line was where the staff struggled, telling people to back up and get in order, but it seemed like staff were doing different things. Plus, if they wanted people to back up, they should have created room at the back first, before telling the front to basically “back that ass up” on the people behind them.

GA vs. Seated

I can say this- if you are short, you probably want a seat. Or if you have any kind of knee, back, or joint problems- I stood for approximately 14 straight hours on concrete yesterday. I am just under 5”5” but I was probably one of the taller people in the crowd, so I had a pretty good view. Even though they asked people to not take videos or record, you WILL be looking through a sea of cell phones. I could see pretty well, but sometimes when they were on the main stage I had a hard time seeing around other people’s arms.

Last time I had P2 seated, and the view was wonderful. I went to the bathroom, charged my phone, and ate nachos (lol), so it was generally a more chill experience. I was still super close but up a little higher and could see absolutely everything. But last night I was SO close I could see Joon’s dimples irl, and got splashed by both Jungkook and J-Hope when they threw the water bottles.  Probably 100 people think this, but I’m also pretty sure Yoongi  (and maybeeee Jimin) saw me jumping and singing along like crazy since I was one of the taller people. At the very least, Yoongi keep looking in the general direction I was in. Ofc I looked gross af with my messed up eye and crazy hair, but what I loved about the concert is that I was 100% able to forget all the insecurities I carry around with me on a day to day basis and have an AMAZING time.

Of course the whole place is crazy high energy, but I feel like last night was INSANELY high. I’m not sure if it was the overall vibe or if that was the GA influencing my opinion.  It just depends on what kind of experience you want to have. Also, if you are claustrophobic, you should probably pass on GA. The guards kept forcing people to back up, at one point even coming in with a flashlight, and people would surge forward whenever a member came close. But someone said the night before was chill, so maybe it’s just luck of the draw.

The Show

The show was absolutely amazing. They opened with IDOL, which got people hyped from the get-go. Their dancing was ON POINT as always. People were chanting during the intro videos and chatting as it filled in, so it was a great vibe once again- just super happy feeling. The audio visual part was AMAZING, though I’m no pro, and I loved all of the concert outfits, especially Jimin’s super sparkly sweater. Lots of jumping, and lots of screams. I didn’t have earplugs and was fine, but if you’re sensitive to loud sounds I definitely recommend them. ISTG I remembered hearing a mashup of FIRE, but maybe not? Wikipedia seems to think not. But they played a few older ones too, which made me so soft and nostalgic.

More on the members during the concert

Kim Namjoon

Ok, this is so so so biased, let me start with that. If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you know how much I love this man. Seeing him smiling and happy was amazing. And they had a professional translator for this concert, so I felt like Joon was able to relax a little and enjoy himself instead of worrying about translating for everyone else.  He is just as tall and proportional as everyone says he is.  Everyone talks about how soft he is these days (and I love it), but he has undeniable charisma when he raps. Plus him in sunglasses, ddaeng. Seeing him so close was akin to something spiritual for me (I SAW THE DIMPLES WITH MY OWN EYES), as were people shouting along with him to “Love.” At the end, he commented how we were all sharing the same air, and hearing him think the way (I know at least some of ) us think was so heartwarming.  

Also during some of the videos, there were some NOT AT ALL subtle Minjoon moments.  

Kim Seokjin

The crowd last night ADORED Jin and gave him all the attention he deserves to have all the time. People were chanting his name SO LOUDLY during instrumental breaks in Epiphany. His voice was phenomenal, particularly the high notes. it’s clear how hard he’s worked to make it sound so effortless.  I noticed that people weren’t moving as much during some of his notes and I can only think it’s because we were literally transfixed. It’s well established, but I don’t think this man has any bad angles. Even in the still pictures I took while dancing, he DOESN’T look awkward in any of them. #impossible.

Min Yoongi

Suga was clearly happy about something last night- he was SO cute and happy. Other ARMY on the train back to the city agreed with me. His rapping was fire (duh), but he was really smiley and took out his earpiece a number of times to hear us screaming. “Seesaw” starts with him laying on a couch and I can think of no better way to capture his true soul (lol). He was extra attentive to fans, and  I feel like what Tae mentioned in Burn the Stage, he was trying to memorize ARMY’s faces and live in the moment. I felt bad because there were clearly parts where he wanted us to sing along, but we couldn’t necessarily keep up with his tongue technology :P  But people definitely tried their best.  

Jung Hoseok

Idk what I can say here that’s new. J-Hope is one of the most charismatic members on the stage. And there’s something in the American air that turns him into Jay Hope. Seriously, he’s hard to move your eyes away from. “Just Dance” was the first solo track if I remember correctly and he did not disappoint. His glasses at the end were adorable, and one of the other members called him a “happy grandfather” or something like that.  Seriously, if you’re still sleeping on Hobi, we can’t be friends.  

Park Jimin

Jimin was ethereal as always, and the choreography for Serendipity was…..salacious, to say the least. Like if you thought the “Take Me Down” cover from last year’s Festa was too much, then idk what to tell you. Bring holy water or something. Despite  the free water that fans were providing to others (ARMY are seriously the best) there was a different kind of thirst occurring, if you smell what I’m stepping in. Jimin is pure charisma, like J-Hope. Obviously their styles are totally different, but when they move, you stop whatever you’re doing and watch. Again, I didn’t even see many ARMY bombs moving during Serendipity- I think we were too entranced. I personally thought that he killed his vocals and did great, but he seemed a little tired or like he was working hard at it. Jimin was also the one (at least that I saw from my angle) that got the closest to the fans, crouching down and leaning over the teleprompters/fans/lights/ whatever the black boxes were at the edge of the stage.

Similar to Tae and Yoongi, I saw him looking at fans A LOT during the show. He was exactly how he seems in V Lives and cameras, and I’m fairly certain I would spontaneously combust if I ever ran into him irl (even if I didn’t know who he was)- he just radiates warmth and friendliness. Seriously, if I believed in magic, I feel like he would be able to influence people’s emotions.

Kim Taehyung

So many fic writers have this ultra primal (for lack of a better word?) for Tae, but all I see is a cute sweetheart. Obviously I’ve never seen someone create as much tension with their own arm as he does during Singularity, but when he’s not dancing, I just got a super innocent, cutesy vibe from him. His voice was so smooth last night. I mean, I knew, but now I KNOW.  He actually was shooting hearts at one fan (how lucky they are), and pretended to fall down when they shot him back! They were further back in P2 as well so he really does work hard at paying attention to everyone. He actually called over another member (maybe Yoongi or Jimin? I was too busy trying to remember how to breathe, to see whatever he was seeing).

At the end he whipped a heart out of his beanie (how I pray to god someone got that moment on camera) a la Jin. He just seemed really comfortable in his own skin last night, and I was so grateful for it.  

Jeon Jungkook

I had a hard time seeing most of his Euphoria performance as it was relatively early on and people were taking a shit ton of videos. He also stayed mostly on the main stage, rather than come out to the extension area near where I was. His abs are just as great in person, and the screams were (as is to be expected), absolutely deafening. They’ve talked about it in shows, but his voice is  SO stable. Obviously they stopped at times and don’t use too much backing vocals, but it sounded EXACTLY how it does on the album. He threw something into the crowd  (I think a banner) at the end, and it FLEW so far-back to P2 or further. They’re not kidding when they talk about how strong he is.  

Final thoughts

At first, I was a little exhausted after my emotional trauma of the prior day, and from standing for so long but the minute it started I forgot everything else. I was salty when I couldn’t see that much bc of people recording (esp when they asked us not to), but I understand the specialness of the moment and wanting to have some tangible evidence that you were there. By the time the concert was over, I realized how special GA was, even if it’s more difficult logistically (since I went solo and didn’t have parents or friends to stand in). I still don’t know if it’s hit me that I was like 10 feet away from them, max. It reaffirmed how important they are to me. I didn’t write this to brag, but to hopefully share my perspective and let others live vicariously through my experience. If you want clarification or anything else, write to me!