#ladyknight1512 gets personal

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Three Word Fic Titles (3) Masterlist

part one, part two

A Human Heart (ao3) - andthenshesaid-write (ladyknight1512)

Summary: Phil's mother has always said that there are creatures in the forest and Phil has always thought they were just stories. Then one day he runs into the forest looking for somewhere to hide and meets Dan, a man with antlers and the ability to talk to trees. Phil's world opens up but there are dangers in the forest that he can't even begin to imagine.

Boys on Fire (ao3) - transdimensional_void

Summary: Dan is visiting Phil for the second time ever and a little Buffy viewing session turns into sexy times.

cowboy hat canoodling (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: Usually they’re of a height, somewhat because Dan has that tendency to slouch. But today Dan is in boots and the cowboy hat, both making him taller than usual.

Don't Blame Me (ao3) - ForeverJustAnEmoKidAtHeart

Summary: When Phil gets a new job at the Tops Only Bar, he's just looking to make ends meet over the holiday period. He doesn't expect how he'll feel about one of the performers or how hard that'll make his job.

Doubt and Trust (ao3) - MorningStarshine

Summary: Being at the party had been fine. Stumbling home arm in arm with Phil, that had been the best part. But when kissing started leading to something more, Dan had a bit of a confession to make.

dreaming of you (ao3) - blossomsphan

Summary: “and now I’m dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, dreaming of you”

endings, endings, beginnings. (ao3) - commonemergency

Summary: A lot can happen in eleven years, he said, finishing his cup of coffee. Dan and Phil had lived a full life. It wasn’t always happy, but nothing can ever truly be happy, but it was finding the happiness and the light in those dark places.

When Dan finished talking, when all the words had come out, Evelyn had looked at him the same way that she looked at him back at that last session, a mix of pride and unbridled joy that Dan had grown up. He had grown up and become the person that his twenty-one year old self had been so scared of, the sixteen year old self he would have been proud of, and the twenty-five year old he almost gave up on if it hadn’t been for those around him to remind him that he was loved.

everything has changed (ao3) - gamingbeats

Summary: Dan and Phil go on holiday to NYC and everything changes when Dan books only the couple's options.

Falling for You (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: Dan is at the front door waiting for Phil, eager to get outside so he can put his secret plan in motion when he hears a chilling thud of his partner colliding with the bathroom tiles.

Hospitals and homosexuals (ao3) - trashcanfromgallifrey

Summary: The story of Phil's near death experience

How Life Changes (ao3) - madd09

Summary: Phil had no idea how much his life was going to change when Cornelia and Martyn announced they were expecting and how it would end up being a catalyst for him and Dan,

Like Fine Print (ao3) - totalincandescense

Summary: Every few weeks, Dan was given an unfriendly reminder of at least one of the many reasons why he never went outside.

The most frequently recurring thing on the list being the general existence of people.

But more specifically, the existence of people who flirted with Phil.

missing the obvious (ao3) - Fictropes

Summary: Dan just wants this guy to stop ruining his game.

(or a reverse you've got mail)

one night stand (ao3) - dizzy

Summary: Dan meets a stranger in a bar during after one of his shows on the We're All Doomed tour.

Some Other Light (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: Dan works the night shift because it's easier to exist in the dark

still so lucky (ao3) - jonsaremembers

Summary: Dan and Phil take a little trip, but Phil gets a migraine.

sunny intervals tomorrow (ao3) - dizzy

Summary: Phil thinks about fifteen years.

Tequila and Lime (ao3) - SecretLlama_22

Summary: Dan and Phil bartender AU, where Dan has a crush on his recently phlonded colleague.

the fisherman’s guide (ao3) - watergator (orphan_account)

Summary: it’s 1956 and phil is a lighthouse worker who wants to write, and dan is the handsome stranger that washes up on shore one night who can’t remember who he is, but does know how to fish

The Philver Scream (ao3) - UnorthodoxSavvy

Summary: While Dan's career in the FBI is taking off, Phil is left behind to pick up the pieces of his life after his brother's death. However, he finds himself plagued by strange nightmares that he can't explain. Soon, people around him start dying. Can Dan and Phil's partnership survive the mounting body count?

three of us (ao3) - SylvesterLester

Summary: Phil is ready to make the next step. Dan isn't so sure.

Set after Dan comes home from WAD.

To be loved (ao3) - Thedemonqueen

Summary: Dan knows Phil insisted they’re together. Dan knows Phil loves him. But it doesn’t stop Dan from feeling dirty when he wants to touch Phil.

Viva Las Vegas (ao3) - evermorepeyton

Summary: Dan and Phil go to Las Vegas on October 19th. For what? Honestly, who knows? But maybe we should all seriously imagine it anyway.

What A Catch (ao3) - hygge

Summary: Phil visits the same cafe every weekday morning without fail. But, when he decides to visit the cafe on the weekend for once, the atmosphere that he had grown used to has completely changed thanks to a piano player named Dan. While Phil is ready to jump into a relationship, Dan is hesitant and is still trying to stitch his life together again after What Had Happened in his past relationship. And that’s easier said than done.

Where it began (ao3) - Frog910

Summary: Dan and Phil are thinking back to how things started

You and Me (ao3) - Scuddleduck

Summary: Birthday sex after Dan's birthday livestream

[ladyknight1512]

I’ve seen this 5SOS ask meme floating around a few times and I don’t do ask memes but I do love me a questionnaire so I decided to just fill it out, not that anyone else will care.

1. When did you first find out about 5sos?

The first time I remember hearing one of their songs was in 2016, but they didn’t properly come onto my radar until early 2018. I know, I know. I was super late to the party.

2. How did you find out about them?

In February/March of 2018 they were guests on the BBC Radio 1 Breakfast Show, which I listened to because I liked the host, even though I live on literally the other side of the world. I wasn’t familiar with the band at that point, beyond Want You Back, which had been on the radio pretty much every single day, and which I actually really liked. But hearing their interview made me want to look them up and find out more about them. And now I’m here, 8 months later, filling out a 50-question ask meme because apparently I have nothing better to do with my time.

3. What was the first song you heard by them?

She Looks So Perfect, in 2016.

4. Have you ever seen them live?

Yes, in Melbourne for the Meet You There tour. They were great and I would definitely see them again.

5. Have you ever met any of them?

Nope.

6. Who was your fave when you first started to like them? Are they still your fave now?

Ashton has been my fave from the beginning, and he still is now, but I like them all for their own reasons.

7. What is your favorite 5sos song?

Ghost of You.

8. What are your favorite lyrics?

I’ve got a jet black heart and there’s a hurricane underneath it – Jet Black Heart

9. What is your favorite music video?

I don’t really watch the videos much but I think Valentine is the most creative and visually interesting.

10. What is your favorite cover?

As in, song they’ve covered? No Roots, which they did in the BBC Radio 1 Live Lounge. I made it my ringtone I love it so much. Their cover of Stay for Spotify is fantastic too, though.

11. What is your favorite album/EP?

Youngblood.

12. What is your favorite bromance?

Probably Cashton.

13. What is your favorite livestream/twitcam/keek/interview /etc?

The Zach Sang interview they did in early 2018 is probably the one I’ve watched the most. It’s actually what turned my vague interest into proper obsession.

14. What is your favorite hair color on Michael?

Most of the colours were before my time but I am partial to his galaxy hair.

15. What is your favorite thing each of them has tweeted?

I don’t have fave tweets, but Ashton’s twitter in general is just a place of positivity and love, and I appreciate that.

16. How many of their albums/EPs do you own?

I own all three albums and various songs from the EPs, but none of the EPs in full.

17. Do you have any 5sos merch?

OMG, yes. Too much, considering I’ve only been a fan for 8 months. I think I’ve got 5 t-shirts, plus one more coming, a long-sleeve, a hoodie, the signed Youngblood litho (which I framed), three other posters (one signed – also framed) and the book. Yes, I bought the book, even though it precedes my time in the fandom by about 4 years. There might be other bits and pieces that I’ve forgotten about, but you get the gist.

18. Do you have any 5sos posters on your walls?

Yes, four. See above.

19. When they come on in the car/store/etc, what do you do?

I’ve never heard them in stores, but when they come on the radio I always cheer and get stupidly excited.

20. Who in the band do you think you’re most like and why?

Probably Michael. He likes cats, he’s a gamer, he seems more introverted than the others – all things that I definitely relate to.

21. Who do you think you’d get along with the most? What about the least?

I think Michael is either the one I’d get along with the best or the least. We’d either be too similar in a good way or a bad way.

22. If you could ask them each one question right now, what would you ask?

I’d like to ask Luke if he thinks he was too young when he got into all this. Personally I think he was, and I think we’ve seen the consequences of that, but I’d like to hear his thoughts on it.

I’d probably ask Ashton what his favourite cocktail is.

I’d probably ask Michael something gaming related.

I’m not sure what I’d ask Calum. He’s always been the one I relate to the least, so he’s a bit of an enigma to me.

23. What was you first impression of each of them?

I thought they were all generally pretty funny, but I actually thought at first that Ashton and Michael didn’t like each other. I think I just got a string of interviews and appearances where Ashton was particularly talkative and Michael was particularly quiet, and there seemed to be a lack of eye contact between them. I’ve since watched all these interviews again and I definitely see them differently and I pick up on more of the subtext now, but I was kind of confused initially.

24. How do you feel about the blonde in Calum’s hair?

Again, before my time, but I’m pretty indifferent.

25. How do you feel about the length of Ashton’s hair?

I prefer it short and I love the curls, but whatever he’s happy with is fine with me.

26. If you were trapped on a deserted island and could only bring one member with you, who would it be and why?

Probably Ashton. He seems like he’s got a good head on his shoulders, so he could potentially do something about getting us off the island, but he also likes to have a good time, so I think he could make our time there enjoyable, even as I was growing more and more dehydrated and sunburnt.

27. If you could switch everyone’s instruments, who would play what?

I love Ashton on guitar. It just does something to me. Also, that video of him on guitar when they did Teenage Dream? That was so cute? He was bouncing all over the stage, having the time of his life.

As for the others: Luke on bass, Michael on drums and I guess that leaves Calum with the other guitar.

28. Which Don’t Stop superhero would you prefer to be rescued by and why?

They all look pretty horrendous, but I think I’d laugh the least if I was in a bind and Mike-Ro-Wave showed up.

29. What is one song you really want the band to do a cover of?

I’d love them to do a country song with Ash on vocals, but that’s the most I’ve thought about it.

30. If you had 48 hours with your fave what would you guys do?

Oh god, I don’t know. It would definitely involve Ash and an acoustic guitar. I think I’d really just like him to take me to all his favourite places in LA and hang out with him and listen to him talk. I reckon 48 hours with Ashton would be the most fun and exhausting and exhilarating 48 hours of my life, but I’d be up for it.

31. If your fave were to propose to you right now, would you say yes? How would you want him to do it?

Well, it would depend on if this proposal were just out of the blue or if we’d been in some kind of serious relationship first. If the latter, then yes, probably. As for how: I feel like Ashton is the kind of person who would either go really big, super over the top with a proposal, or be really, really low key and just kind of ask at home while you’re doing something really normal and boring. Either would be fine with me.

32. If you could rename the band, what would you name them?

Luke and the Penguins? That’s literally the first thing I thought of. I’ve never thought about this before in my life. Seriously, though, I like that they seem to have embraced ‘5SOS’ as an identity, rather than just an abbreviation. ‘5 Seconds of Summer’ feels very much of its time and feels out of place in the current music world. ‘5SOS’ feels more true to who they are now.

33. What is your favorite thing about each of them?

I love the tongue thing Luke does. You know what I’m talking about.

I love Ashton’s sense of humour and his passion.

I love how Calum thinks Ashton is the funniest person alive.

I love how excited Michael gets about really nerdy things.

34. If you could change one thing about each of them what would you change?

I’d change Calum’s smoking habit, because it’s unhealthy and I worry for him, but other than that I wouldn’t change anything. They are who they are because of the choices they’ve made, good and bad.

35. What 5 words would you use to describe each of them?

Ashton: funny, passionate, driven, focused, storyteller

Luke: rockstar, vulnerable, electric, dorky, angel

Michael: adorable, quiet, genuine, caring, sweet

Calum: underrated (musically), solid, reliable, thoughtful, dedicated

36. If you could be the lead role in any 5sos music video, existing or not, what song would it be for?

Maybe Talk Fast?

37. If you could steal one thing from each of them (clothes, hats, etc) what would you take?

Ashton’s leather jacket, Luke’s black boots, Calum’s green hoodie and Michael’s necklace (that really long one he always wears).

38. If you were sharing headphones with your fave what song would you put on first?

Worry ‘Bout Nothin’ by Keith Urban.

39. Would you rather meet 4/4 but never get to see them live or see them live but never get to meet any of them?

See them live but never meet them. I’ve only been to one of their shows, but it was amazing and so fun. Plus, if I met them they’d forget about me pretty quickly because they meet fans all the time. If I can’t be special enough to remember, I’d rather have the full experience of a show than a quick hug and photo.

40. Would you rather catch Luke’s guitar pick or Ashton’s drum stick?

I’m an Ashton girl so definitely the drum stick.

41. Would you rather never be able to sing one of their songs again or never watch any of their music videos again?

Never watch their music videos. I don’t watch them much anyway, and half the fun of loving a band is getting to sing along. Honestly, one of the moments I’ve ever felt most alive was singing along to Jet Black Heart with thousands of other people at the MYT show.

42. Would you rather be brought on stage for an entire song or meet only 2 of them in public?

Probably meet 2 of them in public? I think I’d feel super awkward being on stage for an entire song. Everyone would be staring! I wouldn’t know what to do with my hands! Plus Ash would be behind the drums on stage and, therefore, unreachable. At least in public I’ve got a chance for a hug.

43. Would you rather play video games with Michael or go on a road trip with Ashton?

That’s super hard, because I’m a gamer but Ash is my fave. Hmmm… Probably road trip with Ashton, because that’s not something I would normally do anyway, and there would be plenty of time for talking and rocking out to whatever playlist he loads up.

44. Would you rather have Calum give you a tattoo or Luke give you a haircut?

I have more faith in Calum’s tattooing skills than Luke’s haircutting skills, so let’s go with the tattoo.

45. Would you rather date your fave but have the others dislike you or be friends with all of them but not be able to date/hookup with/kiss any of them?

Be friends with all of them. Definitely. I’m not sure dating them would be much fun anyway, in reality. They’d always be gone or going away. And they just seem like the kind of people you would want to be friends with.

46. Would you rather sing a duet with Luke or write a song with Calum?

Sing with Luke. More fun. Plus I’m already getting that tattoo from Calum.

47. Would you rather go to the fair with Malum or go stargazing with Lashton?

Stargazing with Lashton.

48. Would you rather touch Calum’s butt or Ashton’s biceps?

Ashton’s biceps. I am a girl who loves a nice set of arms, and Ashton’s are very nice.

49. Would you rather get high with Michael or drunk with Calum?

Drunk with Calum, but only because I’m not into taking drugs.

50. Would you rather have Luke give you his 'You Complete Mess' shirt or have Michael give you his denim jacket?

Michael’s denim jacket.

[ashtonsunshine]

CALM - Album analysis and review

This album tells us a story that we are invited to navigate through as we listen to it. A story that is divided in three chapters that encapsulate heartache, self-growth and love, all intertwined together. The tracks don’t tell the story in order but it is there for anyone who’s willing to listen to it. 

-

Chapter I

Easier

They were both trapped in the relationship, and no matter where or to whom they turned, they always ended up together again.

He feels guilty and knows that she’s guilty too, but he couldn't find the strength in himself to do something about it. The inaction is the thing that was keeping him in that limbo. And he also knew that she didn't want anything to change because she was the one with all the power and she wasn't willing to give it up.

But he is now capable of seeing that it was never meant to last.

You can read more about it here.

Not In The Same Way

Here we have the picture of the never-ending toxic cycles his past relationship was. 

She held all the power with her contradicting actions and her sharp words. She was the hurricane that was destroying his life, but he was also to blame, because he was incapable of saying no or taking action in the power play that that relationship was, and instead he kept lying and letting her do whatever she wanted.

He is now capable of realising that they were only good to each other at night and that everything was blurred in the morning, and that that isn’t the way he wants to live or the way love is supposed to be. 

Thin White Lies

The realisation that the love is over and that after everything that happened, he is left alone with all the lies they both told and the emptiness it all brought. 

He looks himself in the mirror but he can’t recognise himself anymore. He’s disappearing right in front of his eyes. It hurts not knowing who he is and who he has become, and it hurts not being able to escape her and all the heartbreak she inflicts. 

The silence is too much to bare at night when the loneliness hits so he keeps going back to her for some kind of comfort, because it’s easier to live among all the lies than it is to face the painful reality and move on. 

High

He finally decided to take a stance and end the relationship. 

He decided to do the best for him and let it go, and the only thing he can now hope for is that the image she has of him isn’t a distorted one; he can only hope that she remembers him in a good light even though the image she has of him isn’t who he truly his and that he can never be that person. 

All the good memories they had together will always stay with him but after facing himself in the mirror he realised that he needs something more than just scarce memories of nightly encounters and blurred mornings. He needs someone who’s there for him at all times of the day and she couldn’t give him that. He learnt that when it comes to love, he needs to be cautious and take it one step at a time, instead of simply diving right in. 

It was time to change and be someone better. It was time for him to move on and find someone who is respectful enough to let him try being himself. 

-

Chapter II

Red Desert

It’s the realisation that he needs to just let it all go and find a new life: a better one, a hopeful one. He needs to wake up, leave his demons and fears behind, trust himself and go and be free.

It’s a re-connection with the roots of what makes him happy and himself, with what’s important and makes him feel good, so he can recover from everything he went through.

By doing so, he can get in touch with who he was before all of it.

No Shame

After stumbling through life, he can now look back and be critical about his actions.

Everything he did had an effect on his personal and public life and, here, he dives deep into the way society works and its obsession with fame and how that can be impactful on someone who lives in the public eye. 

He had to give himself away to survive in this environment and it's time to do something to change that.

You can read more about it here. 

Old Me 

It's an appreciation of what the past can give to the future. After his introspection, he realised that his past mistakes are what makes him who he is now. 

He can now see that the rocky night life he lived was detrimental and that everyone around him was worried about him, and now every time he looks at himself, he is reminded of everything they did for him and how much they had to give of themselves to help him out. 

Ultimately, he paid the price for his mistakes and it is now time to rise up and build a better version of himself.

-

Chapter III

Wildflower

This is the beginning of a new relationship. 

The ecstasy runs high and the only thing he’s able to think about is her: how she looks, how she sounds, how she tastes, how she feels. His world revolves around her and how she is the only one who can make him feel this way.

Everything is wonderful, but despiste being his favourite fantasy, she’s also a fatal love song, so he needs to be careful. 

You can read more about it here.

Teeth

The permanent discovery of who he is and who she is is confusing and, mixed with miscommunication, it creates an environment where fights can ensue. They fight and make up, and fight and make up again, but they still want to make it work. 

All the pain that came from the fights doesn’t beat the willingness to be open towards each other. They are confused and hurt but they aren’t dead yet, so they keep on fighting through the doubt and fear, pursuing a relationship that, deep down, they know will work.

You can read more about it here. 

Lonely Heart

He now knows that he found someone who he can connect with emotionally, someone who thinks like him, someone who he is willing to be with forever. 

However, things aren’t always black and white and his actions hurt her. He can’t bare to watch her heart break due to all the fights so he lets her go, because if he truly loves her he has to let her go.

He knows that loneliness is something that both of them know well and, although he knows he’s doing the right thing, he still can’t bare it. He can’t sleep, thinking about her. He wants a second chance to make things right. 

Lover Of Mine

After she left, he realised that he made a mistake by letting her go and this is him saying he loves her and wants her back. His mind is chaos and all the lies he lived through still haunt him and that will take some time to heal, but he regrets letting her go. 

He's seen her rage and he’s seen her sadness; he’s been down with her in the depths of her mind. He knows who she is and being with her, being able to love her, is something he won’t regret. He knows she’s hurt and the tears he’s seen her cry because of his actions are the reflection of that, but he wants them both to burn down all their bad memories and start again. 

He knows this new love he has found is right and, out of all of the mistakes he’s made in his life, letting her go is one he won’t repeat, because she’s the one. 

Best Years

He’s owning up to all the wrongs he did while with her and accepting that, after everything he’s done, she has all the rights to not want to be back with him. 

This is him saying that even though he’s still healing from the past heartbreak, he’s willing to work on himself to be able to love her the way she deserves to be loved. His last relationship, which was a love that burnt fast like cigarettes do, is to be put in the past and he’s now ready to focus on her and give back all the love she gave him when he was broken and lost and unable to love. 

He’s making a promise to her that he will be better, that he will mend all his wrongs and be a better man for her by taking care of her. He wants to grown up alongside her and she won't regret staying with him.

-

In conclusion, this album is a story of realisation, understanding, compassion to the self and growth. 

It’s about looking at your past and forgiving yourself for whatever mistakes you made towards yourself and the ones around you; it’s about introspection and being able to look back and understand that it is possible to do better, to be better; it’s about moving on and growing up as people and as lovers. 

CALM is an album that combines all of 5SOS’ personalities and music influences: heavy guitars, excellent harmonies, heartfelt drums, and deep baselines. They are all coming together to make the 5SOS sound.

They managed to build a body of work that not only tells a story but also makes us appreciate the heavier and lighter sides of their music. The fact that they are able to combine all their tastes so well and come on the other side with an impressive and cohesive album, both lyric and music-wise, is commendable. 

I feel like I should also address the Live From The Vault tracks. These are only proof that 5SOS are able to not only produce great studio tracks but also have the knowledge and creativity to turn them into a full live experience that showcases further who they are as a band and where they stand in the music panorama. 

CALM truly is 5SOS personified and a step further into who they are as musicians and as people. 

-

Tag list: @darnling-i-fancy-you @talksopretty @zokneszto @suchalonelyheart @calmvinyls @justjessa03 @smrttrtl

I'm going tag other people too: @kindahoping4forever @pxrxmoore @cashtonasfuck @sexgodashton @irwinkitten @ghost0fy0u @asht0ns-world @wildflowerirwin @tothemoonmikey @goth5sos @talkfastromance4 @wastethen8 @hey-its-grey @ladyknight1512 @bloodmoonashton @wonderland-irwin @feliznavidaddycal

[ineverhadmyinternetphase]

Tagged thing

Rules:

1. Always post the rules. 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you. 3. Write 11 questions of your own. 4. Tag 11 people.

I was tagged by the loveliest @leblonde​ (thanks!!)

1. What is the proudest you’ve ever been? (either of yourself or someone else!)

Ooh such a good question. Of me, it’s when I got into music college on my own with no input from my school, or the first time I walked outside after being houseband for the better part of two years. Of someone else, my younger brother when he made decisions about uni that were really important to him

2. Where is your favourite place in the world?

Taize. It’s a pilgrimage site in France and some of my best memories are in the church there, it’s so warm and welcoming and there are so many interesting people as well as quiet spaces. But closer to home, my favourite place is sitting out under the sun on the patio in my parents’ house

3. What is the most used emoji on your phone?

Apparently it’s the red heart (this is from messaging @charlottekath so much xD)

4. What tv show are you in the middle of watching?

White Collar

5. What talent are you most envious of in others?

Oooh you’re asking such good questions! But I think the ability to draw, I would love to be able to but unfortunately stick figures are my limit

6. Is there a song that makes you cry? Why?

There are SO MANY songs that make me cry. But one that I literally cannot listen to without bawling is Pink’s ‘Perfect’ because it came to me at a time in my life when I really needed someone to tell me that (school was haaaaard, what can I say)

7. What’s your favourite painting?

I should have known you would ask this, being the art fiend you are :P honetly though, I don’t really look at art too much, though I do find being in galleries very calming. But one piece that has stayed with me is Caravaggio’s The Calling of St Matthew (as a theology student, the story behind that is one of my favourites)

8. What personality trait do you like the most about yourself?

Hmm, tough. I am an eternal optomist (to the point of stupidity) but I quite like being constantly as happy as I can be in whatever given situation the world decides to throw at me.

9. What sound or noise do you love?

This is going to make me sound completely insane, but I really love the sound of waving tree branches?? I know this isn’t a sound to most people, but I have hearing motion synaesthesia and the tree movement makes a really nice calm wooshing noise. So if ever there is a storm, I look out of my window to watch the trees move and listen to the sound and it helps me relax

10. What was the first book that you loved?

Ahh can I remember this far back?? I have always had books read to me/read books from when I could. I do remember sneaking down the stairs after my bedtime to listen to the next chapter of Harry Potter that my older brother got to have though

11. I’ve just given you a billion dollars, what’s the first thing that you do with it?)

Pay off my tuition fees and get me through my masters please xD

I tag: @charlottekath @snowbunnylester @cosmicphandom2k16 @mecaka @beechwoodwand @nothingisbetterthanfood @dont-break-hearts @silentorator @ladyknight1512 (no obligation to do this, just if you think it looks fun ^_^)

Your questions are:

1. If you could make something right now (food, art, writing, anything), what would it be?

2. What is always guaranteed to make your day better?

3. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist in general?

4. If you hung a sign on your door, what would it say?

5. If you were a dragon, what would you hoard?

6. Describe your favourite thing about someone (or something!) close to you

7. What object is immediately to your right at the moment?

8. If you only had one outfit for the rest of your life, what would you pick?

9. Two, five, or nine blankets? (The answer is all the blankets)

10. What’s your earliest memory?

11. What was the name of your first soft toy?

[phanfictioncatalogue]

(TW) Grief Masterlist

before/after (ao3) - katesofheaven

Summary: Dan and Phil have a dying daughter and they deal with it in different ways, both before and after she goes.

Blood Will Spill (ao3) - RooLlamaBlue28

Summary: London is not a safe city. Creatures lurk in the shadows. Creatures like Dan, a monstrous vampire with the insatiable thirst for fresh, human blood. Phil is his boyfriend and roommate, living with the demon that could kill him at anytime. The tension between an all powerful vampire and an innocent human is thick, both not able to comprehend how their relationship works. They both know that Phil will not live forever. A single bite could change all of that. Phil has to make a decision. One that will change his life for eternity.

(Vampire! Dan and Innocent Human! Phil)

breaking bones (ao3) - A1R0

Summary: what do you do when you lose your life?

what do you do when you fall so hard into depression your jaw breaks?

what do you do when the world keeps spinning, moving on, when the days get longer and longer without you?

you die, dan thinks in may.

clean the kitchen (ao3) - angelmichelangelo

Summary: after a tragedy destroys everything he had, dan finds himself living a life far from what he had once expected.

everything seems like a huge mess, and all he can do is do his best to clean it up, piece by piece, little by little.

Don't Wait For Me (ao3) - SweetDreamsDarling

Summary: Phil's taken ill suddenly, and no one knows what's really going on inside.

Dan tries to be an optimist.

Phil knows he's dying.

Dan doesn't. But Dan needs to learn how to live again.

Falling, A Phanfiction (ao3) - mychemicalliteratureclub

Summary: Phil remembers Dan's death, and goes on a trip through his memory.

finding light in the dark places. (ao3) - commonemergency

Summary: They’re all connected in some way. All have their own stories to tell. If Dan were a better person he’d get to know them more but he always feels like something is holding him back. So they just continue to work in each others spaces, creating things out of dough and making better things with icing. Donna’s slogan is that everything was made with love but he thinks that’s just because she made this thing—they’re just the hands that give it out to other people. One day, Dan thinks, he’ll hope to feel that passionate about something again. Or a story about grief and loss, found family, donuts, and first love.

Goodnight Misery (ao3) - DeadMilitia

Summary: Three years after Dan's suicide, Phil discovers a letter adressed to him from Dan.

Home is Where the Heart Is (ao3) - goldenrose95

Summary: Dan learns the true meaning of home only after he loses it.

linger on (ao3) - dizzy, waveydnp

Summary: A recent loss has ground Phil's life to a halt. At 33, he's static in his grief and living in the house he grew up in - until his mother kicks him out.

In a fit of indignation and with nothing to lose, he answers the first listing he finds for a room to rent in London... a listing posted by a guy named Dan.

Lonely in Conflict, Cast as a Convict (ao3) - andthenshesaid-write (ladyknight1512)

Summary: Dan is a vampire who can’t remember how it feels not to be lonely. Phil is a vampire hunter living in his brother’s shadow.

When they meet, they find acceptance in each other that they don’t find anywhere else, but there are secrets and other forces at play trying to keep them apart.

night, love you (ao3) - howelllesters

Summary: saying goodnight through the years

Red Like Roses (ao3) - your_starless_eyes

Summary: Red like roses fills my dreams and takes me to the place you rest...

Sharing Is Caring (ao3) - irphanfic

Summary: Dan and Phil have been going out for almost a year and Dan is wondering why Phil hasn’t already introduced him to his family yet. What will happen when he ‘pressures’ Phil to do it and sees what his boyfriend was hiding?

Stars Are Gonna Shine Tonight (ao3) - starrywrite

Summary: AU! When young Dan first heard the story of Sadako Sasaki and A Thousand Paper Cranes, he decided that he didn't need to fold a thousand paper cranes in return for a wish, because his greatest wish he never made has already come true: he has a friend like Phil Lester. Dan and Phil have been best friends for as long as Dan can remember (and maybe Dan’s been a little in love with Phil for as long as he can remember as well), and everything is nothing short of perfect for Dan Howell. But then all it takes is three words to shatter Dan’s entire world, and he decides that maybe wishes aren't as overrated as he thought - if a wish could save Phil's life, that is.

Symphony of Destruction (ao3) - Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)

Summary: When Phil falls terminally ill Dan vows to do anything necessary to save him and a mysterious stranger offers his help. Dan should have known not to trust a deal too good to be true, now Phil has to find a way to fix his mistakes.

The Roles We Play (ao3) - adorkablephil (kimberly_a)

Summary: Dan Howell and Phil Lester work together as voice actors for BBC radio dramas in the late 1930s, but slowly begin to develop “inappropriate” feelings for each other. (No characters die *in* this story, but there is some grief and sadness related to their deaths in the past.)

There Is No Guide To Losing Your Soul (ao3) - krissyxlove

Summary: It wasn't supposed to be like this.

trying to keep warm when you’re the sun (ao3) - jackiednp

Summary: dan’s nan dies and phil is the only one who can comfort him

Until Death Do Us Part (ao3) - WhatIsTheSkyWithoutSomeClouds

Summary: The dynamic duo, separated by the Grim Reaper. Overwhelmed by the might of despair, how will Phil Lester cope?

Will he?

When a heart shatters (ao3) - Phantasticpheels

Summary: When your heart shatters, its all at once. Then slow and over and over again.

Breaking a heart is easy but it takes a special kind of person to pick up the pieces.

Phil learns by experience.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Long Oneshots (3) Masterlist

part one, part two

2009x2015 Phan (ao3) - auroraphilealis (peachrayne)

Summary: A series of interactions between 2009!Phil and 2015!Dan, and 2009!Dan and 2015!Phil. Probably going to result in some smut, and have a very loose plot.

A Human Heart (ao3) - andthenshesaid-write (ladyknight1512)

Summary: Phil's mother has always said that there are creatures in the forest and Phil has always thought they were just stories. Then one day he runs into the forest looking for somewhere to hide and meets Dan, a man with antlers and the ability to talk to trees. Phil's world opens up but there are dangers in the forest that he can't even begin to imagine.

All That You Are is All That I'll Ever Need (ao3) - ficslesters (sohmaskyos), starrywrite

Summary: Dan Howell is just ordinary, but his boyfriend Phil is Amazing(Phil from YouTube). Or, AU in which Dan isn’t a YouTuber.

Before We Turn Into a Monster (With Two Heads) (ao3)- blueshirt

Summary: “Once this case is over, I’m getting a new job. Maybe one where I just sit in my bedroom and make videos about my life. That would be nice,” Dan muses dreamily to himself—or rather, mumbles indistinctly to himself, because it’s a little hard to articulate when you’ve been shoved into the trunk of a moving car, bound, and gagged.

begin and never cease (ao3) - palomeheart

Summary: Dan is a grumpy second year law student living with reclusive, perpetual grad student named Phil. When the holiday season brings out a side of Phil that Dan’s never seen before, Meanwhile, when Phil finds out Dan hates all things festive, he makes it his goal to change Dan’s mind before Christmas. And also to find the perfect mince pie.

I'm Half Doomed And You're Semi-Sweet (ao3) - The_Blonde

Summary: When he was eleven Dan wished for Phil to help with a family curse that there’s no hope of breaking. Fifteen years later he’s stationed in coastal Wales, working the late shift in a supermarket while secretly protecting a whole village from various supernatural beings. Everything is going fine(ish) until Phil, impossibly, shows up.

it's no good (unless it's real) (ao3) - blueshirt

Summary: (Or, the one where Dan accidentally starts reverse-dating Phil in the midst of executing a foreign tour, sharing the world's tiniest mattress, and generally failing at Amish table-making.)

Just the Beat of My Own Heart - howellhaze

Summary: Dan and Phil are rivals in every sense of the word. The problem is that they’re already madly in love. Or, where Dan and Phil fall in love on tumblr, unaware that the person they’re talking to online is the person they hate in real life. A “You’ve Got Mail” AU.

like a perhaps hand (which comes carefully out of Nowhere) (ao3) - palomeheart

Summary: Dan is in his second year of uni studying law– or he would be if he hadn’t failed his resits. After being talked into a semester-long leave of absence to get his life in order, he takes a job at the café of a local botanic garden through a flatmate’s family connection. Or so he thinks.

super soul (ao3) - waveydnp

Summary: Phil has spent his whole life believing that meeting his soulmate will give his life the meaning he’s been looking for.

Then he meets Dan.

The Future Starts Slow (ao3) - frihed_liberty

Summary: Dan is acting strange and Phil wants to know why. But then he sees something that can’t be unseen and things will never be the same again…

Tried to do headstands for you (every time I fell on you) (ao3) - popsongnation

Summary: “I’m not always this clumsy and accident prone, I swear,” Dan says, and maybe he’s lying, but Phil doesn’t have to know that. How hard can it be not to injure yourself at a coffee shop? He just needs to remember which way the doors open, and buy new shoes. He’ll be fine.

Or: coffee shop/uni AU in which Dan keeps injuring himself in increasingly ridiculous ways, Phil regularly has to patch him up, and it’s Christmas time.

when i sing, you sing harmonies (ao3) - The_Blonde

Summary: Witch Phils and the Piano Playing Dans that they just want to make happy (with a sprinkling of magic).

Wrestle With Your Demons So You Can Be Left Alone (ao3) - starrywrite

Summary: Dan learns the hard way that not everyone understands no means no.

You Can’t Tackle Your Demons on Your Own (ao3) - Merrydith

Summary: Dan is obsessed with a series of books by the amazing author, Phil Lester. He spends his time at the coffee shop he works at reading the books over and over again in the closet. When he meets a new co-worker who is also named Phil, they go on a date. Little does Dan know, he’s sharing a cup of coffee with the author he’s considered his best friend for years.

As he gets to know Phil, he finds that Phil is housing a destructive secret. Why did Phil apply to work at The Brew Bean in the first place and what happens when Phil starts breaking away, piece by piece? Can Dan save his beloved author or is Phil going to fall slowly and hopelessly into loneliness and despair? All the while, Dan is falling in love.

You’ll Find Me Waiting Here For You (ao3) - commonemergency

Summary: Walking down the streets of London is like walking down a ghost town, missing people posters filled the streets along with trash and cars. They’ve had many discussions of relocating somewhere safer, somewhere with more possibilities of food and other resources, but it’s hard letting go of the place that shaped you. or Dan and Phil (+ two lesbians) vs. a post apocalyptic world.

Zoe’s Café - six-foot-two-phanchild

Summary: Dan works with his two friends at the coffee shop one of them own. He meets someone there who takes him on a journey he’d never imagined before.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Fics With Titles That Start With N (3) Masterlist

part one, part two

Nana (ao3) - ahappyphil

Summary: “The thing is, coming out to his family proved to be the easy part. It’s what followed that’s been difficult, more emotionally draining, more vulnerable. It’s like the invisible wall that’s been between them now has physical form. It has a name now.“

Naturally - crescendohowell

Summary: Dan wants to spend Christmas with Phil’s family this year so in return he invites his family to visit their London flat.

Naughty! Do Not Eat (ao3) - talentisntgenius

Summary: Why Dan Had To Call an Ambulance but it's parent!DnP

Never Alone (ao3) - pasteldanhowells

Summary: Phil has always wanted to be in the army ever since he was a little kid. So now, he’s finally got the chance to go. Unfortunately, this means that he has to leave his family and his pregnant boyfriend behind.

Never Enough - dxnhowell

Summary: Dan is a single father who is hardworking but is never appreciated by his son and they don’t get along with each other, and he eventually meets Phil and slowly but surely falls in love with him.

Never Fade Away (ao3) - parentaladvisorybullshitcontent

Summary: In which Phil's an astronaut alone on Mars and Dan's a lowly tech down at Ground Control who can't get him out of his head

never quite as it seems (ao3) - Ablissa

Summary: Phil has a unique gift that allows him to see something he never expected to see - his best friend Dan, meeting the person that would most likely become the love of his life.

It hasn't happened yet, and right now, Dan has no idea what lies ahead.

When old feelings resurface and every choice may have a big impact on the upcoming events, will Phil be able to make the right decision?

new beginnings (ao3) - waveydnp

Summary: dan gets an acceptance letter from manchester university

Night People (ao3) - Azure (Fancy_Ravenclaw)

Summary: Dan is put on the night shift at McDonalds with the new kid.

No One Else But You - phantasticlizzy

Summary: dan wants to try something new in bed, and Phil is having a bit of a sexuality crisis.

No One Less Than Perfect (ao3) - CanDanAndPhilNot (enbycalhoun)

Summary: Dan doesn't mind being a single father to his four-year-old Elizabeth, but sometimes he gets lonely. The problem is, he won't settle for anyone who is less than perfect. So maybe, he might just ask Elizabeth's (and maybe his) favorite Daycare worker, Phil on a date.

(No We're Not) Friends (ao3) - jj_writes

Summary: Straight guy worries he's being homophobic to gay roommate, realizes he's fallen in love with him.

nod my head (don't close my eyes) (ao3) - dizzy

Summary: Phil's awake at five am. (Again.)

Not Just My Sexual Fantasy (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Written for a friend who wanted either Fluff or Smut focused around Neko-Dan in his Sexual Fantasy jumper.

not trying to hide it (ao3) - dvp_95

Summary: Phil's parents want him to get a flatmate. Bryony wants to get her newly-evicted mate off her couch. It’s not quite luck or fate, but Phil is thankful anyway.

Not Your Type (ao3) - andthenshesaid-write (ladyknight1512)

Summary: Dan has been valet to Prince Phil for ten years and has managed to keep his feelings a secret because he knows they can never be together. When the royal family throws a masquerade ball to celebrate Phil’s 25th birthday, Dan takes the opportunity to finally face Phil as an equal.

Notes to Dan (ao3) - dorvanie

Summary: Phil decides he’s going to do something he’s been meaning to do for years, and poor Dan has no idea.

nothing feels better (ao3) - waveydnp

Summary: Dan goes to pull his arm back but Phil reaches up to keep it around his neck.

They don’t talk. They never talk when there are other people around to hear them.

[ladyknight1512]

I don't normally do these sorts of things but I've had a long day and I'm in the mood to answer some questions. I'm not doing it ask-style, though, I'm just gonna answer them because I love me a questionnaire. There are a ton, so most of them are under the cut. I found the questions here.

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

I’m not a cereal eater these days because milk doesn’t really agree with me and I don’t like soy. Back in the day, though, it was always more cereal than milk.

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

Not especially but I don’t dislike it either. It’s one of those things I just don’t think about.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

I collect bookmarks so I usually just use those. I did use a wedding invitation a few weeks ago, though.

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

Tea-wise, I only drink peppermint, so that’s just a teabag and water. For coffee: if it’s just instant at home, I go two sugars and a dash of milk.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

Yeah, because I’m pretty sure my eyes are different sizes - they’re definitely not the same anyway - so if I do one of those excited grins, my right eye scrunches up in a weird way that the left eye doesn’t and I hate it.

6: do you keep plants?

I keep a plant. It was a wedding favour from a wedding I went to at the end of October. It’s a succulent and I’m pleased to report that it’s still alive.

7: do you name your plants?

Nope.

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

Writing. It’s the only one I’m good at.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

I’m constantly singing or humming to myself, which is weird, because tuneless humming is the worst noise in the world for me.

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

Side, usually.

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends?

“Now kiss.” - @tansy-c​

12: what's your favorite planet?

I’ve always been drawn to Jupiter - I’m a Sagittarius so maybe that’s why.

13: what's something that made you smile today?

My cat when she did one of those half-flops so she was half on her side and half on her back with her two front paws hanging in the air. She’s the cutest, ok?

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

Books everywhere. Comfy chairs. And I would bring a shit ton of merch with me so she’d just have to deal with that.

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

Apparently, the sun makes a full rotation once every 25-35 days. And there I was thinking that the sun just hangs there doing nothing.

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?

Spaghetti bolognese. Classic.

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

I’ve always wanted to go blonde but my hair is pretty dark and it would be too much work to maintain for my lazy arse.

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

Can’t think of anything with my friends but when I was 12 I said in front of my whole class that James Cook first came to Australia in 1901. Which was only about 200 years off.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

Nah. I had one in my early teens but it was full of the same teenage angst as everyone else’s and now I can’t be bothered.

20: what's your favorite eye color?

Blue or green.

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

I’m not really a bag person (shoes, though...). I just have a massive black one with a patch of furry leopard print on the front. It fits all my everyday stuff: book, notebook, 65 pens, water bottle, phone, charger, wallet, sunnies. You know, the basics.

22: are you a morning person?

No.

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

AO3. Just fic after fic. Also food.

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

My bff. I’ve told her many a thing while drunk; she probably knows more about me than I realise she does.

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into?

...I’ve never broken into anywhere.

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

I have more than 20 pairs of shoes at last count. The only ones I wear regularly are just my black ballet flats because they’re useful for everyday wear.

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor?

Grape.

28: sunrise or sunset?

Sunset (sunrise is too early).

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

My bff while drunk is pretty adorable because she forgets that there are some things she probably shouldn’t say out loud.

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

Yes, twice.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

I hate socks. They’re ugly and they feel weird. I would rather have freezing feet than wear socks.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

I’m actually a 90-year-old granny on the inside so I’m never out later than 12am.

33: what's your fave pastry?

I mean ... is any pastry really bad? I’ll eat any and all pastries but I am fond of a blueberry Danish.

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

I got a stuffed Babar for my third birthday and I still have him today. His crown is pretty much non-existant and his trunk is bent to the left because I used to carry him around by it. And my cousin ripped his arms off once and my grandma had to sew them back on. But otherwise, he’s looking pretty good for his age.

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

I am an editor. Loving stationary is in my DNA. There is no feeling better than opening a new notebook and starting to write with a brand new pen.

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?

Something quiet and mellow. Maybe a slow Reba McEntire song.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

It’s currently half and half. I was in the middle of a massive clean out when I got spectacularly busy with work so I just sort of dumped all the stuff I hadn’t got to wherever it fit. I’m looking forward to getting back to them. I’m aiming to be cleaner.

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

Humming, as mentioned above. People who don’t signal when they turn or change lanes. Slow walkers! Someone save me from slow walkers. People who don’t know how to properly use the tools and programs their job requires.

39: what color do you wear the most?

Blue, but no particular shade.

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?

For my 21st birthday my mum bought me a love heart pendant with diamonds in it. I’ve worn it every single day since.

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving?

‘Kings Rising’ by C.S. Pacat. I’m sure there have been more recent ones, but that was my automatic response.

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

I’m not one to sit in a coffee shop usually. I do catch ups with my bff at a Gloria Jeans but we only go there because it’s halfway between each of our houses, not because of the atmosphere. They recently redecorated the place, so the seats are new and comfier now.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

Probably my brother, but that was when we were kids.

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

I ... don’t remember ever feeling that. My brain is hard to stop. There’s always something to think about.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

Yeah, usually, but they often align with my head so that helps.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

Some aquatic mammals escaped from the zoo. It was otter chaos.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

Artichokes. Blegh.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

I was pretty scared of spiders as a kid. Still scared of them. Needles (as in injections and vaccinations) give me panic attacks, though.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

I do because I’m old school like that. These days I’m only trying to buy physical copies of things I absolutely love. The last CD I bought was ‘Flicker’ by Niall Horan.

50: what's an odd thing you collect?

I collect bookmarks. Not sure if that’s odd, though.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

Every time I hear ‘Perfect’ by Ed Sheeran now I think of my high school best friend, because it was her first dance song at her wedding (the one I got the plant from).

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

I like the one of the guy looking over his shoulder at his girlfriend looking at him in horror.

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

I’ve seen Rocky Horror but that was years ago and I don’t think I remember enough to comment. The songs are good. Who doesn’t love the Time Warp?

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

My aunt, when her mum died.

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?

Probably Googled. Not dramatic, but it’s the easiest way to prove things these days.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

Just really cute things they do, especially if they’re not typical of their age.

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

I always start grinning like a lunatic when I Bohemian Rhapsody starts. And yeah, dramatic reenactments are a must. It often makes me think of Glee, though, because it was used in Season 1 when Quinn gives birth to Beth.

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

Honestly, I’m probably the vodka aunt. I have no class when I drink, because I try really hard to stay classy.

59: what's your favorite myth?

I always liked the one about Hades and Persephone.

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

I’m not a huge reader of poetry but I want to read more. I’ve always really like the Romantic poets. My absolute favourite poem is ‘The Lady of Shalot’ by Tennyson. I first read it in my early teens and I’ve read it a number of times since then, and what I love is how my reaction to it has changed as I’ve aged. When I first read it, I thought it was incredibly romantic. Now I think it’s unbearably sad.

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?

One year, for the work Kris Kringle, I gave someone a dragon statue. But not a straight-up good one; it was cheap and trying so hard to look good that it was pretty ugly. In fact, it was so bad, that it came back around to being cool again. I don’t think I’ve ever received a stupid present. If I have, I’ve blocked it from my memory.

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

No, but orange is my juice of choice.

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

I’m in a constant state of wanting to reorganise my books by genre but there are so many and I have so little time that they just stay where they are. But at least I know where they all are so I guess in that way they’re organised.

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

Very pale blue, because the sun is so bright it’s basically white.

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?

Some old work friends because I haven’t seen them since I started working from home.

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

Something delicate, because my head is small, but vibrant in colour.

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

Lazy. They make me want to sit around and just do nothing.

68: what's winter like where you live?

Pretty wet, in recent years, but it doesn’t get crazy cold. I think the coldest it usually gets during the day is about 10-12 Celsius.

69: what are your favorite board games?

We have this game called Talisman, which I love because you can play as different characters and you get different abilities and different positives and negatives depending on what you play.

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

No.

71: what's your favorite kind of tea?

Peppermint.

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?

I’m a chronic note-taker but my memory is generally pretty good. I was one of those kids who never had to study to get As because I just always remembered stuff.

73: what are some of your worst habits?

I’m a terrible procrastinator.

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

Kooky and fun, and always creative and thinking outside the box. They’re extremely loyal and hates saying no, even to a situation they have put themselves in.

75: tell us about your pets!

Her name is Lizzy (yes, as in Bennet). She’s a cat. She’s just turned 3. She’s a grey tabby with white and caramel bits. She’s super inquisitive and not scared of anything (except loud cars and the vacuum), sometimes to her detriment. She is the cutest cat in the world. She likes cuddles, but only on her terms. Under-the-chin scritches are her favourite kind of scritches. She loves to play and run around. Her favourite toy is a little horse that was actually mine (it was a Christmas gift when I was about 7); I gave it to her as a kitten to distract her when she was being naughty and then she adopted it. We’re convinced that she was the bully of her litter.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?

I probably could have been doing some more work when I started this but now it’s after 6pm and my day has ended.

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

Neither?

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

The Indifferent Club but edging towards Hate now.

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

My bff crocheted me a Babar for my birthday last year. That was pretty awesome.

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

Ugh. They’re baby pink because that’s the colour they were when I was born. Repainting is too much effort because my furniture is too bulky to move. The colour is the reason my parents decided this would be my room, which is totally unfair because it’s the smallest bedroom by a mile and I’m the oldest.

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

Geez, that’s too much effort for this late in the day. I dunno. Brown, like tea-stained water?

82: are/were you good in school?

I was. Academics have always come naturally to me.

83: what's some of your favorite album art?

I have no idea. I don’t really pay that much attention to it.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

I would love a tattoo - I know where and what it would - but the needle-phobia is standing in my way.

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

I don’t read them, but C.S. Pacat has just started releasing a series of comics and she’s maybe my favourite author so I’m reading them.

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

Sure, because as a writer, I love things to have a theme. But I don’t think I own any.

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

Harry Potter, obviously, and ‘A Single Man’.

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

I really like Impressionism and Romanticism

89: are you close to your parents?

To my mum, I guess, but there are definitely things I know I would never tell her, even though I’ve told my bff. My dad annoys me most of the time. My bff says it’s because we’re too similiar but I don’t like thinking about that.

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

I’ve lived in Melbourne my whole life and it’s a pretty good place to live, all things considered. I love that’s it’s cultural and academic and more intellectual than, say, Sydney. Also, great coffee and food.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

Nowhere.

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

Drown in cheese, every time.

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most?

My hair is pretty long right now and it’s super annoying and it’s hot so I’ve been doing one of those half-ponytail things, where you just do a ponytail but don’t pull it all the way through the last time.

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

One of my friends who I went to uni with, and he helped get me my first job in publishing and we’ve worked together a lot over the years. We’ve known each other for 10 years.

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

It’s my birthday this weekend so that’s happening. I’m hanging out with some friends on Saturday and then I’ll be working on Sunday.

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

I usually just do them quickly to get them out of the way.

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

The last test I took said I’m an ISTP; Sagittarius; Ravenclaw.

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

I was 14, on a school camp. No.

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

‘She Used to Be Mine’ by Sara Bareilles. ‘You Will Be Found’ from Dear Evan Hansen.

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

The future, because the past is somewhere I’ve already been and there’s no point in going back.

[ladyknight1512]

It’s Tag Time

Rules:

1. Always post the rules. 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you. 3. Write 11 questions of your own. 4. Tag 11 people.

Thanks for tagging me @ineverhadmyinternetphase :)

Under a cut because long post is long.

1. If you could make something right now (food, art, writing, anything), what would it be?

Probably the novel I’ve been trying to write for the last four years. Then at least the first draft would be done.

2. What is always guaranteed to make your day better?

Dan and Phil. I first stumbled across them when I was in a pretty bad place, mentally and emotionally, and they didn’t fix my problems (of course; how could they?) but they made me laugh and smile and gave me something to think about that didn’t make me want to cry or give up or both. Almost two years later, they’re still my go-to happy place.

3. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist in general?

I’d actually say I’m more of a pragmatist. Of these two options, though, it depends on what’s going on in my life; I’ve had extreme periods of both. These days, I’m in an optimist phase but until six months ago I’d spent most of the last 18 months in extreme pessimism.

4. If you hung a sign on your door, what would it say?

Warning: Fangirl Ahead

5. If you were a dragon, what would you hoard?

Books. (Who am I kidding? I already hoard books.)

6. Describe your favourite thing about someone (or something!) close to you.

My cat is currently close to me, in that I’m in my bedroom and she’s asleep in my bed. I’m not sure I could pick one favourite thing. I love her little pink nose and her little white paws and the way she yawns bigger than her face and how, when I get home, she stands on her back legs and puts her front paws on the windowsill and her little head pops into the window and she watches me until I’m all the way from my car to the front door. She’s the cutest. ^_^

7. What object is immediately to your right at the moment?

My Dan and Phil plushies! (Phil is holding my fidget cube.) When I ordered them I was going to take them to work and have them on my desk but then I quit my job a week before they arrived (on my birthday, weirdly enough, like a gift from the universe) so now they sit next to my computer.

8. If you only had one outfit for the rest of your life, what would you pick?

If it was for the rest of my life, probably something really practical: nice jeans, a short-sleeved top of some kind, a cardigan/jumper that I could take off or put on depending on the weather (I live in Melbourne, yo; we know all about layering) and a pair of wedges for style and comfort.

9. Two, five, or nine blankets? (The answer is all the blankets)

Two, but, like, good quality ones.

10. What’s your earliest memory?

My third birthday. I vividly remember standing between my mum’s legs while she sat on the couch behind me, and my dad handing me a stuffed Babar toy (which was my birthday present). I was obsessed with Babar (the show, the books, all of it) and I carried that toy around (usually by his trunk) for the better part of the next seven years.

11. What was the name of your first soft toy?

Babar, from the aforementioned memory. If I had a toy when I was a baby, I don’t know what it was.

I don’t talk to people on tumblr so I’m just going to tag @tansy-c because we’re friends irl and she’s awesome (no pressure though! Only answer if you want to!)

Your questions (some of which I have blatantly stolen):

1. What are you currently listening to in the car?

2. What it your OTP? (I know this is hard, so top 3 if you can’t pick just one.)

3. If you hung a sign on your door, what would it say? 

4. What is one thing you never expected to love, but did (book, TV show, music, anything!)?

5. What is one place you’d love to visit?

6. What is one thing everyone else loved but you didn’t (again, book, TV, whatever)?

7. What sound do you hate?

8. If you only had one outfit for the rest of your life, what would you pick? 

9. What is your favourite food/meal?

10. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

11. What is one talent you wish you had?

[phanfictioncatalogue]

30k-40k Masterlist

Links Last Checked: May 18th, 2023

part one

A Human Heart (ao3) - andthenshesaid-write (ladyknight1512)

Summary: Phil's mother has always said that there are creatures in the forest and Phil has always thought they were just stories. Then one day he runs into the forest looking for somewhere to hide and meets Dan, a man with antlers and the ability to talk to trees. Phil's world opens up but there are dangers in the forest that he can't even begin to imagine.

and my fate has begun to change (ao3) - ovely

Summary: Dan has an inspiring piano teacher as a teenager and decides to dedicate his life to music. After he starts uploading piano videos to YouTube, he finds himself unintentionally becoming a popular YouTuber. Then he meets Phil, and slowly finds a life more like that of the Dan we know.

Axiom (ao3) - kae_karo

Summary: Dan's out for the umpteenth time at the bar for its weekly speed-dating night (not that they'd actually call it that).

Bad Choices and Even Worse Boyfriends (ao3) - theentityyousee

Summary: Dan Howell, most sought after English actor in the world, has had his relationship outed at a bar. He keeps faith that his boyfriend will come back eventually, though.

One day, he comes home to find a package that's not addressed to him at his front door. It's a manuscript for a book, and against his better judgement, he reads it. That's when he meets author Phil Lester, strikes up a fantastic friendship and starts getting over his ruined relationship. Unfortunately, it's only a matter of time before his ex finds him again, and despite Phil's mistrust of this man, Dan can't help but want him.

before we turn into a monster (with two heads) (ao3) - blueshirt

Summary: Or, the 30K Secret Agents AU that nobody asked for, featuring an undercover mission as husbands, annoying coworkers with a betting pool (Dan is going to complain to HR about Felix), and inevitable slow-dancing to Ed Sheeran.

black butterflies and deja vu (ao3) - kae_karo

Summary: Once upon a time…there was a little boy, his name was- well, that’s not important. There was a little boy, and he didn’t have lots of friends. But don’t worry, this isn’t a sad story, even though it sounds like it, I promise.

Don’t Ask Me How I’ve Been (Fake Happy) (ao3) - phantasticworks

Summary: Dan Howell is an up and coming actor in a closeted relationship with a man who isn’t ready to admit his sexuality. Phil is their Uber driver for a very important awards show. Things don’t go exactly to plan, but maybe that’s a good thing? Based on the short film “Papercut” by Omad Productions.

Don’t Outlast Me (ao3) - EmrysBeard

Summary: When Dan and his two friends-Chris and PJ- decide to visit the old asylum, Dan hopes they’ll be in and out and that it will fade into his memory as a terrifying experience that didn’t last too long. Unfortunately, he didn’t count on getting trapped inside with a former inmate named Phil, who has a gigantic mystery surrounding him, while his friends go look for help.

Fractured Reflections (ao3) - vvelna

Summary: Dan and Phil wake up in strange parallel worlds inhabited by unusual people who call themselves ghosts. They are determined to find a way to reunite.

friday night placebo (ao3) - kishere

Summary: Phil Lester never thought that he was going to be here in his life: successful, healthy, a little lonely, and helping produce his own Netflix show. Dan Howell, YouTube fanboy and food aficionado, just wants to get a job in television acting. One audition could help both of their problems.

It Happened Slowly (ao3) - mollieblack

Summary: Dan is a new student at University, and his biggest fear is not getting along with the person he's going to have to share a room with. 

Luckily, his roommate ends up winning him over in more ways than one, and a strange but intriguing next door neighbor draws Dan in.

like a perhaps hand (which comes carefully out of Nowhere) (ao3) - palomeheart

Summary: Dan is in his second year of uni studying law– or he would be if he hadn’t failed his resits. After being talked into a semester-long leave of absence to get his life in order, he takes a job at the café of a local botanic garden through a flatmate’s family connection. Or so he thinks.

Little Moments in Time (ao3) - mollieblack

Summary: Dan is struggling at University, unhappy and unsure. That is, until he gets a strange assignment from a caring teacher, and ends up meeting someone who will change his life forever. (University AU)

Love You For Always (ao3) - TwistedRocketPower

Summary: In the UK, an estimated 6,000 children die each year. When Dan and Phil became parents almost seven years ago, they never imagined they would become a part of that statistic.

One Step at a Time (ao3) - TwistedRocketPower

Summary: It’s amazing, the things we take for granted. When Dan is seriously injured while out running errands, both he and Phil must learn to adjust to a new life. One night changed their lives forever, and they have to learn how to handle it one step at a time.

Sometimes. (ao3) - wekingsandprettythings

Summary: growing isn't just physical. there are a lot of aspects to consider when deciding who you want to be and where your life is heading. it takes time, experiences and sometimes someone to give you an ultimatum.

Stargazing (ao3) - amczingphil

Summary: Dan has been floating about the International Space Station for about two months when he gets the first phone call from Phil, the newest member of mission control, and somehow a quick conversation helps Dan feel at ease and becomes the first of many.It’s just a shame that there’s 400km between them and Dan won’t be coming home for another seven months.

super soul (ao3) - waveydnp

Summary: Phil has spent his whole life believing that meeting his soulmate will give his life the meaning he’s been looking for.

Then he meets Dan.

voice on the wind (ao3) - CapriciousCrab

Summary: A life-changing injury leaves a desperate musician looking for a miracle. He finds it in the company of a Fae muse, but at what cost?

when i run (will you chase after me?) (ao3) - phanofstars

Summary: Dan escapes from the megacorporation that he's contracted to but plans go astray and he ends up leaving his partner Phil behind, who gets tasked to catch him in his run across the solar system.

[ladyknight1512]

I don’t really do end of year posts anymore, because I don’t really see the point in celebrating the new year. But back in 2010, when I was still slummin’ it on LJ, I answered some fandom questions about the year that was. Apparently I cross-posted it to my facebook because it popped up in my memories this morning and I thought, ‘I could do that for 2017.’ So here I am.

What fandoms/ships did you discover in 2017? Yuri On Ice; Tomlinshaw, which led me to One Direction; Drarry; Hartwin/Kingsman. What fandoms did you let go of in 2017? Yuri On Ice (yeah, this was a flash in the pan fandom; it burned hot and fast); I continued my slide away from Glee, though Klaine still hold a special place in my heart. What fandoms did you mean to get into but didn’t in 2017? Why? None because I never set out to get into anything, it just happens accidentally. What fandoms do you intend on checking out in 2018? None for the same reason. What show impressed you least in 2017? I didn’t watch many TV shows this year. I tried Gilmore Girls for the first time because my bff loves it. I hated it. Oh! And I used to watch HTGAWM religiously but I haven’t watched it in so long. I stand by that this should have been a one-season show but they made more and it couldn’t sustain itself. Which is a shame because Viola Davis is truly a gift to the world. What fandoms do you think you might let go of in 2018 unless things significantly improve? I can’t really foresee letting go of any fandom because things go wrong. I think my interest will just gradually lessen so I’m not neck-deep in it every day. Certainly with Hartwin/Kingsman, even though I know I’ll still love that fandom. That is the natural cycle of fandom. What fandoms do you think you’ll never let go of no matter how crappy they get? Why? In 2010, I said: The Vampire Diaries, NCIS and Merlin. I’ll tell you now, I haven’t thought of those fandoms in literally years. Having said that, I’ll always be a part of the phandom, because I’ll always love Dan and Phil, even if the fandom tears itself to shreds and implodes…which it might.

Now for some lists. There were originally lists for TV shows and characters but I didn’t watch enough TV this year to fill them so…they’re gone now. Top 5 bands/artists (from any year) Ed Sheeran Harry Styles One Direction The 1975 Keith Urban Top 5 books (read 2017) Turtles All the Way Down by John Green The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J. Maas Lord of Shadows by Cassandra Clare A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood Top 5 characters (TV or movie, male or female) Eggsy Unwin (Kingsman), played by Taron Egerton Harry Hart (Kingsman), played by Colin Firth George Falconer (A Single Man), played by Colin Firth Kate Beckett (Castle), played by Stana Katic Queen Elizabeth II (The Crown), played by Claire Foy Top 5 songs (any year, so long as they were important to me in 2017) She Used to be Mine - Sara Bareilles You Will Be Found - from ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ Get Ready for It - Take That Sign of the Times - Harry Styles Speak to a Girl - Tim McGraw and Faith Hill

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Monthly Follower Recs

Follower recs of October 2018.

Links Last Checked: September 19th, 2022

Being Together Is Their Zenith (And Their Nadir) (ao3) - Ash_Writes

Summary: Cute, short 5’3 Phil doesn’t wear anything but a big knee lenth t-shirt to bed. His uni roommate Dan is 6’3 and Phil thinks he is a jerk because he refuses to help him get stuff off their high shelves, little does he know it’s because Dan knows the higher he reaches up the more his shirt raises at the back which means the more of his cute bare butt he gets to see…

Candy (ao3) - chxrlut

Summary: PART TWO

An addict. A husband. A dead sunflower and William Shakespeare.

Code Black (ao3) - starboydjh

Summary: “Code black: An influx of patients so great, there aren’t enough resources to treat them. The average A&E is in code black 5 times per year. St. Thomas’ Memorial Hospital in London is in code black 300 times per year.” Doctors Dan Howell and Phil Lester know all too well that when everything in the busiest accident and emergency department in England and their personal lives goes right, the most incredible of miracles can happen. After Dan bares the struggles of his past to Phil, a member of Dan’s distant and troubled family shows up as a patient in their A&E one night after years of silence, and life starts to feel like one long code black night in more ways than one.

Emotions (wattpad) - audrey

Summary: In a world where people have the ability to flip an emotions switch, many people lack feelings and sympathy in general- including Dan Howell after a tragedy strikes and he can't take it. However, he meets Phil Lester, the outgoing flirt with too big of a heart to handle. The two become close, and Dan soon realizes that even with his switch off, he can't deny that Phil is slowly reaching to turn it back on, and Dan can't seem to push his hand away.

Everyone But You (ao3) - parentaladvisorybullshitcontent

Summary: In which the love of Dan’s life is getting married to someone else, and Phil might’ve agreed to be his plus-one at the wedding

Goodnight N Go (ao3) - wekingsandprettythings

Summary: Dan and Phil fall for each other over a grainy skype call in 2009.

Hold On To Me While Our World Falls Apart (ao3) - thelesterhowells

Summary: When Dan wakes up one morning nothing is the way it used to before.

I Want To Hold Your Hand - floralleigh

Summary: Dan and Phil ditch a Halloween party.

Stirring In Love (ao3) - andthenshesaid-write (ladyknight1512)

Summary: When Phil applied to be a contestant on the Great British Bake Off he didn't even expect to make the long-list, let alone make it into the actual tent. But make it he does and there he meets Dan, a baker unlike Phil in every possible way. After a rocky start, Phil realises that maybe he can learn some things from Dan after all, and the biggest things have nothing to do with baking. 

Stronger Together (ao3) - thelesterhowells

Summary "However, Dan was absolutely not prepared to hear a crying baby while he was walking up to their flat. He hurried up the stairs impatiently to check out what kind of mess Phil got himself into."

Take Me Home (ao3) - quarterleigh

Summary: “Dan is standing alone in a familiar flat and wondering if he might still be a little drunk and delirious from the night before. Surely this place is just very similar to… it can’t actually be…”

Dan is a university student who housesits to make some extra money. Phil is a famous youtuber who has to leave his dog behind while he’s on tour.

Welcome To The Hellmouth (ao3) - wekingsandprettythings

Summary: Phil had a crush on Dan's sister, who's always sneaking out at night. When the pair discover what she's sneaking out to do, they uncover more secrets than they expected.

[ladyknight1512]

Goodbye Glee

Glee ended today and I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t at least try to write something about it. This show has been a central focus of my life for the last six years and, in the grand scheme of things, that isn’t a long time. But it’s long enough.

So much of Season 6 has been about time: looking back to where we’ve come from, appreciating where we are and looking ahead to where we one day hope to be. I’ve been thinking a lot about where I was six years ago, how my life has changed since then and how Glee has been around for all of it.

In late 2009, I was 19 years old and two years out of high school. I was heading towards the end of my two-year diploma in Professional Writing and Editing. The TV ads for Glee started airing and I was so confused by the whole premise (because Glee clubs and show choir aren’t things in Australia—or at least they weren’t six years; that may have changed since). I didn’t watch the Pilot when it aired but I did watch it a couple of days later on the station’s catch-up website because my curiosity got the better of me and I was bored. I don’t remember how I felt watching that episode—really all I remember is that I liked Kurt—until ‘Don’t Stop’ started. There was something about that song; it lifted me up and made me feel so much for those characters. I played it over and over. Even still, I didn’t start watching the show on TV until 1x09 ‘Wheels’. After that, it became like an addiction.

But there was more to it than that because, while all the friends I’d made during the course of my diploma were moving on to undergrads, I decided to strike out on my own. I took a year off to take a break from studying and to get some proper, real-life editing experience. It wasn’t as easy as I’d imagined. Every CV and application I sent out was either ignored or rejected. I had no money, I was living with my parents, and all my friends were busy studying for their degrees and working. I felt like I’d made the biggest mistake of my life and that I’d failed; I felt isolated and alone, and like I’d never amount to anything. The bright spot in my week was Glee. Those characters became like family to me: I wanted so badly for them to succeed and I hurt when they didn’t. I laughed with them, cried with them, sang and danced with them, wrote fanfiction about them (back in those days I was a hardcore Puckleberry shipper; I’m glad to say I moved on from that at least). I thought about them constantly. And then, in October of 2010, two great things happened.

First, I won a short story competition. I’ve always been a writer and I’ve always thought I was vaguely good at it. Writing was my ‘thing’, the one thing I could do better than most other people I knew or, at least, all the people I grew up with who thought writing well was stupid and nerdy. When it came to writing, I was Rachel Berry and winning that competition was my ‘Don’t Rain on my Parade’ moment. It filled me with confidence…which was lucky because, a few days later the second great thing happened: I was contacted for an interview by one of the managers I’d sent my CV to earlier in the year. The position was casual and only for a couple of months but it was in a real publishing house. A big one too. I walked into that interview knowing that I deserved it. I’d already decided that the position was mine. And, what do you know? They called and offered me the job 30 minutes after I’d left the building.

I started that casual position at the end of 2010, right around the time Kurt met Blaine. Early in 2011, just before ‘Original Song’ aired and it became clear that Blaine was sticking around, my casual position became permanent. I worked three days a week and went to uni the other two days to get my degree in Literary Studies and Professional Writing. Life went on, in the way that life does. Some days were bad, some were good and some just made me want to hide in bed and never come out again. Through it all, I had Glee. I grew up with Glee, in a different way than the people who started watching when they were 13 have. This show taught me that I should be myself, which sounds trite, I know, but I spent so much of high school being someone else. The times I was honest about myself, people made fun of me so I started pretending I wasn’t that person. I tried to fit in and, when I knew I couldn’t, I tried to be invisible. Nowadays, I’m not willing to settle for that. The person I am is imperfectly perfect. I am not ashamed of the things I love or who I am, and I’m not afraid to speak up. If someone doesn’t like me, that’s not my problem; I don’t need their approval if I can be proud of myself.

At the end of last year, I finally finished my degree and I applied for a new job, still with the same company but with a completely different department. My application was successful and I started my new position in January. It’s been challenging but I’m enjoying it; I think I could be here for a good long while. The end of uni, the switching of jobs and the end of Glee roughly coinciding, plus some other things happening that I haven’t mentioned here, have mostly made me feel like life as I know it is ending. I had a routine, I was comfortable and I knew what the year ahead of me was going to look like. Today, I look ahead and I don’t really have any of those things. But for the first time, I feel properly grown up. I can look at my life and make plans for the future. I know where I want to head and—the most shocking revelation of all—I’m going to be OK. I have the means, the ambition and the self-belief to achieve whatever I want, if I want it enough.

It’s early 2015, I am 25 years old and eight weeks into a job I think I have the potential to one day be really good at. I have watched every episode of Glee and genuinely enjoyed every season. I even wrote an essay on the show for a Gender Studies class I took on pop culture (the essay is called ‘Gender and Queer Sexuality on Glee’ and it’s still the academic work that I’m most proud of). I love Glee but, mostly, I love the person I have become while watching it.

[ladyknight1512]

A year ago today

A year ago today I wasn't rostered on to work. Good thing too because I spent most of the day in front of my computer, crying. It's hard to believe that it's been a year since we lost Cory. I remember wondering, at the time, how people move on from grief. Honestly, I still don't know. It seems like I blinked and now here we are, a year later. Maybe that's the point, though: you keep going and eventually you stop crying. I still think about him regularly. More than I did when he was alive but I try not to think about that because it seems so unfair. The Glee fandom has changed in the last year. People have left, yes, and I suppose people have joined, but I'm talking about the bonds between us. I remember, while I sat in front of my computer, watching fandom put aside the differences, the ship wars, and come together to comfort and support each other. I remember watching other fandoms come out in support of us. I remember feeling like I was a part of something. Yes, something special. That's one thing that hasn't changed.

[ladyknight1512]

Saying Goodbye to McKinley: One Gleek's Perspective

So today’s the day. In a few hours we’ll be saying goodbye to McKinley High, the choir room and a number of characters, some we love and some we just love to hate.

Emotionally, it’s a complex day for me. When we first heard that the end was nigh for McKinley’s New Directions, I was excited. Elated, even, because so much about McKinley has been so hard since the first group of seniors graduated and the new characters didn’t gel with me (things have changed some on that front: Unique and Kitty, you’ll be missed). And then of course, there was the loss of Finn, whose ghost has been lingering in those halls since we came back from the summer hiatus.

But today things are different. As much as I’ve been looking forward to making the permanent move to New York, I’m sad that McKinley is ending. Like many hard core Gleeks I remember watching the pilot. Mostly I watched it out of curiosity, because I’m Australian and we don’t have glee clubs here so the ads on TV were confusing more than enticing. At first, I wasn’t moved by the pilot. Rachel was annoying, Quinn was a cliche and Finn was dumb. I liked Kurt, for all that he only had about 3 lines, and Emma. But then ‘Don’t Stop Believin” started and, yeah it’s such a line, but something changed. In that moment there was something about them that made me care. And I came back the next week, and the week after that, and even when things were really hard and I couldn’t figure out where the writer’s were taking us, I kept watching. And now here we are: 100 (+ 1) episodes later.

It’s cool to hate on Glee these days and it’s a difficult place to be in when you’re the only one you know who still enjoys it. Glee is important to me, though, because these characters are my friends. I became attached to them when I was feeling isolated, lonely and like my life was going nowhere. They’re my happy place and, lately, knowing that there’s a new episode coming has been the only thing pulling me through my week.

So I’m excited for the future and now, finally, I’m sad that we’re losing what we are. I’m going to miss those choir room chairs, and Will’s awful weekly lessons, and Becky Jackson, and Principal Figgins. For all it’s flaws, McKinley was a good place to drop into every week. I’m going to miss it more than I can really express. And there’s no shame in that.

[ladyknight1512]

I’ve never been part of a fandom that mourned. Hell, I’ve never mourned, period. I’ve been very lucky in that I’ve never lost someone close to me; the people we’ve lost in my family all died before I was born and I’m almost 24. So this is a new, albeit gut-wrenching, experience for me and writing is how I process, so please bear with me.

I heard the news yesterday evening. My mum, brother and I had just come home from visiting my grandmother; we go see her every Sunday, and we have tea and coffee and cake, and it’s nice, you know? A ritual that I love, something that’s just always been a part of my life. She’s almost 90 but in excellent health, still mostly independent and living on her own, but still, as we were leaving last night, the thought randomly popped into my head that, one day, I won’t have this. She’ll be gone, and Sunday afternoons will be known in my life for what they used to be, instead of what they are. And then I shook that thought from my head and told myself off for being stupid.

And then I got home, turned on my laptop to check my email and instead I find...this. I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing. I remember feeling dizzy. And then I opened up as many news and entertainment sites as I could find because I didn’t believe it was real. But the more I looked, the more real it became. I got out of my chair, wandered into the kitchen where my mum was and, when she asked if I was all right, I said, “Cory Monteith is dead.”

I’ve written stories about the power of words, about characters who believe that something isn’t real until it is spoken out loud. It wasn’t real in that moment for me; in some ways it still isn’t. And I think it’s harder because, on one hand, I feel like I shouldn’t hurt over this as much as I do. Last night, as I was going to bed, Mum told me not to dwell on it too much and I said I wouldn’t, even though I knew I would. But what was I going to tell her? That I have to dwell? She’s sad too, in her own way, because she watches and enjoys Glee as well, but to her, Cory is just another actor who died too young. So I tried to tell myself that I was being silly, crying over someone I’ve never met, someone I was almost certainly never going to meet. This morning I see that that was unfair. It’s true, I never met him, but Cory was part of something that was special to me and now he’s gone and that something is never going to be the same.

The other week, when that actor from The Sopranos died, I learned about his death in the mailroom at work. One of my co-workers was in there mailing off some letters when I came down to grab some envelopes. She’s a fan of The Sopranos and she told me one of the actor’s had died. I’ve never seen the show and I’m not familiar with his work but I commiserated as best I could, and then I thought, “One down, two to go.” Because that’s what you say and think when a celebrity dies. They always go in threes. Who’s going to be next?

And now it makes me sick to think of how cavalier I was about it. Most of the “big names” we’ve lost in the last few years have been just names to me. My first memory of celebrity death is of Princess Diana. I was seven when she died and to me she was just a princess so I didn’t understand what was going on and why everyone was so sad. The celebrities who have died since then were all people I wasn’t particularly interested in; they were faces on my TV and names in magazines. I didn’t care that they were gone so it was easy to make that “They die in threes” joke.

But it’s not a joke and it makes me cry to think that it took losing Cory for me to see that. They’re not just names and faces. They’re people. They have girlfriends, husbands, parents, siblings, friends. They mean something to someone, and I’m going to be better about remembering that in the future.

This has turned into a ramble and I’m crying again so I’m going to try to wrap this up as best I can.

As hard as it was to log on to Tumblr this morning, I knew I had to. I’m not active in the fandom; I generally don’t talk to people. I just sit in my little corner and observe and reblog and write fic sometimes and do my own thing, and I’m perfectly content with that. But today I feel the need to join in, which is why I’m posting this and not letting it sit in a random folder on my computer, because people in my real life world don’t fully understand the grief I’m experiencing or why I’m grieving at all. It’s nice to be able to look at my screen and see all the people who are sharing it with me, even if I’ve never spoke n to any of them and I can’t touch any of them.

This is a sad time for all of us in the Glee family but here’s what I’m clinging to: it will get better. This may be all new to me, but that I do believe. Even now there are small bright spots: old tweets that make us smile, performances Cory did as Finn that make us laugh. I turned on my Glee playlist this morning—on shuffle—and the original Pilot version of “Don’t Stop Believing” was the first song that played. Call it a sign or just a coincidence, but I got up and jumped around my room and sang along at the top of my lungs. And yeah, I cried a bit but I laughed so hard from the joy of it when it was over that my cheeks ached.

And those three things—tears, laughter and joy? I think they sum up this whole experience pretty well.