#ladyintree: 84.

[manslaught]

she doesn't know how she could stop, and really, she doesn't want to— because as much as it hurt, loving her has always been the realest thing mikayla's ever felt, and she needed something like that to hold onto the last five years. it would have been easier if tai was more present, but she's too relieved about her being here now to possibly care. “ i always will. ” she doesn't know how to admit that she's been with other people since her, even if the number's incredibly low given how long it's been— both because it feels like a betrayal to tai and because she's not sure if she wants to hear tai admit the same thing, although there's a part of her that knows she wasn't the only one.

it's not the first time she's heard that, because nat, travis, asher, all of them have said more or less the same thing, but that doesn't make it any less relieving to hear it from her. she can accept complete strangers hating her, looking at her like some bloodthirsty killer, but she couldn't handle it if she looked at her that way. “ i... hoped you thought that. i just wasn't sure. ” wasn't sure if maybe everyone else got in tai's head, and mikayla couldn't even blame her, because there were times when they'd get into her head, make her wonder if maybe they were right. “ it's fine now. he's dead. and i'm out. ” mikayla knows better to think it's actually going to be that simple, that her punishment came to an end the moment she left her cell, but tai being here gives her some hope that it could get fractionally better from here.

“ that's not... surprising. i guess they do that sometimes. just don't send shit. ” she's heard it from other inmates, so it doesn't shock her that it happened to her, especially when most of the people in that prison didn't like her. she frowns, leaning back slightly to get a better look at her, just so tai can realize how completely ridiculous she sounds. “ i wanted to see you. ” that's all she wanted, but she's not trying to make tai feel bad for whatever choices she made before. they don't matter now.

tai's explanation causes mikayla to let out a small brief of relief, because a part of her had been worried that something happened to nat— she's not stupid, so even trapped in prison, mikayla knows nat hasn't been coping with everything as well as mikayla hoped she'd be, but as long as she's okay, she's fine with nat not being here. “ you begged? ” she asks, managing a small smirk— it feels strange, almost smiling after over a year of not smiling at all. it's cute, the way tai's acting, like she's nervous, like they weren't married at one point. “ i can see nat tomorrow, ” she decides, telling herself she shouldn't feel bad, because she's seen her more recently than she's seen tai, so of course she's going to be more desperate to spend time with taissa instead. mikayla pulls back just enough to look down at herself, finally considering how embarrassing she looks, dressed like this, as if tai hasn't seen her in far worse conditions. “ thank god. i look— fucking stupid. ” she grumbles in annoyance, but there's not much she could do about it right now, so she moves on. “ yeah, food— i've been dying for something that doesn't taste like cardboard. ” still better than what she's eaten before, but she tries desperately not to think about that. “ are there any taco trucks on the way back to your place? ”

she feels so much lighter when she hears those words back from mikayla,  her smile growing as more tears fall —  both of relief and warmth,  and sadness,  too,  because she hates that it's taken this long.   ❝  I hoped you still did,  ❞   she says quietly,   subtly admitting that there was so much time she was left to wonder if that was true or not,  if mikayla had enough time in here to consider that tai was never what she wanted,  especially with her absence.  she wondered the same,  but she always came up with the same conclusion —  mikayla was the only person for her.  mikayla was the love of her life.  they were right to make their vows to each other in the wilderness,  and they were right to declare each other as wives,  not just in the situation they were in,  but for their lives.  tai wants to believe that's still true,  that there's a world in which they finally get to take on this world together,  for real this time,  but she can be patient,  too.  she's made mikayla be patient—   and if it's her turn now,  she'll take it.

her brows furrow at the question,  like her answer should be obvious.  she lets out a soft scoff and shakes her head.   ❝  kay—   no.  fuck no.  I know what he tried to do to you,  and—   ❞   she winces,  her face scrunching up,  having a hard time even thinking about that,  but she has to say it,  has to remind mikayla that this isn't her fault.   because given what strangers have claimed to tai about mikayla,  she imagines it's only been worse for her to hear it all herself.  ❝  — no.  I'm proud of you, mikayla.  you're a survivor.  ��    in more ways than one, clearly—   some of that they learned to do together,  but mikayla taught tai more than she could ever truly explain to her.   she'd always been a survivor all on her own, too.   ❝  I'm just so sorry that's what it came to.  I can't imagine what it felt like,  I—     I just know that it wasn't your fault.  you did what you had to do.  ❞  like we've always done,  she almost adds,  but this isn't the same as the things they did in the wilderness,  and she understands that,  too.   her father deserved to die for what he did.  the people in the wilderness,  they were innocent—  their sacrifices were built out of love.  her father's wasn't. 

she frowns when she hears that mikayla tried to write her back,  resentful of whoever decided tai didn't get to hear from her.  ❝  I never got it,  ❞   she says quietly,  but she tries not to let herself dwell on it —  they're here, together, now.   she shakes her head as mikayla claims she might've been too busy  —   that was true enough to explain most of her absence,  but it's not exactly an excuse she wants to use anymore.   ❝  I was busy,  but—    I never stopped thinking about you.  I guess I kind of convinced myself you didn't want to see me,  too,  ❞   she says,  instantly rolling her yes,  because she knows that's not true.  maybe she always knew that.  

as soon as she asks about nat,  tai's hands slide to her shoulders for reassurance as she shakes her head.   ❝  she was.  she didn't forget.  I promise,  ❞   she says,  not wanting her to assume that nat had abandoned her  —   that was on tai.   ❝  we talked.  I kind of,  um,  begged her to let me come.  alone,  ❞   she mumbles,  hoping that's okay with mikayla.  they could've come together,  but she didn't know how this was going to go,  and having their moment alone felt necessary—  finally.    it started out with tai making sure nat wasn't going to bail—  which is ridiculous to think about now,  because of course she'd show up for mikayla,  but tai still needed to be sure.  and then,  she needed to make sure she was the one to do it herself.   ❝ she did want to be here, though.  she's a good friend. ❞   better than tai had been a wife.   ❝  but,  um,  if you would rather be with her—   I told her I'd call her immediately.   or we can get her.  whatever you want.  I also thought,  maybe  .  . .  you could come to my place.  and we could just—   talk.  reconnect.  whatever,  ❞   she offers,  uncharacteristically shy,   because she has no idea what to expect from mikayla.   ❝  and I brought you some clothes.  a hoodie, some sweatpants.   we can get food.  whatever you're craving.  whatever you want to do,  mikayla,  okay?  ❞

[manslaught]

MIKAYLA: i try not to. MIKAYLA: are you drunk?

@manslaught sent “⁇” for a DRUNK text.

TAISSA: wedding planning exhasuting. TAISSA: rmember ours? We just needed each other. TAISSA: I'm not trying to hire you don't worry.

[manslaught]

the words i missed you don't feel like they even cover half of it— she felt completely lost without tai, because she was used to having her around during the worst time of her life, used to having her there to tell her things would be okay, to distract her, to make her feel better. others tried, of course, and she appreciated throughout the years, even the annoying visitors, but it could never be the same as having her there. yet mikayla can't even find it in herself to be mad that it's taken tai this long, because in the moment, all that matters is that she's here.

she almost lets out a whine when tai pulls back, because she needs the embrace more than anything after being completely alone for the past couple years, but she doesn't complain, taking the opportunity to actually look at her, to take in the fact that they're together again. “ i love you, too. ” maybe she shouldn't be saying it back so easily, but she's spent so long feeling alone and terrified and angry that she just wants to feel something positive again, so for the first time in her life, she doesn't focus on any resentment she might have otherwise. “ you don't... think it's my fault? what i did? ” she asks hesitantly, remember what was written in the letter, and that almost feels as important as knowing tai still loves her, because while everyone who's visited her told her the same thing, she'd started to doubt what tai felt about it.

“ i wrote you back. the next day, i wrote you, but— ” but she's not sure if they actually cared enough to send it, because she seemed to disgust half of the people there, so why would they do anything for her, even if it's their job? “ i was hoping you'd be here. i know you were— busy with school and everything. so the whole time, i just... hoped you'd be here when i got out. and you are. ” the last part is mostly a reminder to herself, because it's still hard to believe. finally, she looks away, glancing around, brows knitting together. “ did you tell nat you were coming? she said she'd be here. ”

it hurts to see the tears in her eyes,  but she holds onto hope that these are good tears,  the same way she feels,  too.  she’s nervous,  scared of what to expect,  hesitant to know whether or not this was a good idea—   but more than anything,  she’s just relieved to see her.  there wasn’t a day that went by that she didn’t think of her,   didn’t long to be with her,  but the barrier between them always terrified her,  made her feel like nothing could be the same.  she feels foolish for that now,  because as she stands in front of her,  she can’t comprehend how she was able to stay away for as long as she did.  they still fit,  she thinks;  she can feel it just by standing in front of her.  maybe they’re strangers now,  but they still know each other,  and that has to count for something.

she lets out a loud sigh of relief when mikayla pulls her in,  instantly wrapping her arms around her into a tight embrace.  her hand quickly moves up to her hair,  the same way it always did,  and she holds the back of her head as she buries her face in tai’s neck.   ❝  i know,  ❞   she whispers,  trying to calm her own breathing if only to help her stay calm.  the other hand gently rubs mikayla's back,  and she keeps her close,  face pressing to her head as she lets herself cry,  too.  her heart pounds,  and she’s certain that mikayla can feel it against her own chest,  but she’s not willing to break away from her just yet.  

it’s only when mikayla asks that question that she realizes she does have to pull away,  but only slightly,  because she needs mikayla to see her face as she answers her question,  understanding that she desperately needs the validation —  and understanding why, too, by what she’s gathered so far.   with a deep breath to collect herself,  she pulls back just enough to look mikayla in the eye,  her hand sliding from the back of mikayla’s head to her cheek.  ❝  i did,  ❞   she assures her,  her thumb brushing over mikayla’s jaw.   ❝  i told you i love you, ❞   she reminds,  desperately needing to say it now,  needing her to hear it,  and the present-tense is intentional,  because even if it can’t be the same,  it’s still true.  she lets out a breath,  eyes searching her face.   she doesn’t want her to feel obligated to say it back,  not now,  she just wants her to hear it.   ❝  i didn’t know if you got it.  i never—   heard back.  i didn’t blame you for it, though,  ❞   she adds quickly,  taking a deep breath.  ❝  i didn’t even know if you wanted me to come today.  i’m sorry if i,  i don’t know,  freaked you out.  i just needed to be here. ❞

[manslaught]

her body grows tense when tai gets closer, because she doesn't want to have to face the crushing disappointment of realizing that none of this is real. that's not how she wants to start her first five minutes of freedom, but she also realizes that she has no fucking choice. the reassurance that she's here isn't entirely helpful, because she's heard the same thing in the last year from visions she knows weren't real, but she wants to believe it more than anything. when their hands make contact, the first physical touch she's had for over a year and a half, she finally lets out a breath of relief, her eyes immediately beginning to well with tears.

the moment she starts to accept that this is actually happening, she uses their intertwined hands to pull tai closer, wrapping her arms around her tightly, face burying in her shoulder. there's still a part of her that doesn't trust this, because since when has she ever gotten something she wanted, but she shoves that thought away by focusing on tai actually being here. she breathes her in, needing to take in as much as her as she can, unable to stop the tears from falling now, her fingers clutching at tai's shirt. “ i missed you. ” her words are muffled against tai's shoulder, but she hopes they're coherent enough past the crying.

if she's here, then she realizes that must mean that the letter was real, too— that tai still loves her, that all the voices in her head the last few months have been wrong every time they taunted her, telling her that tai left her alone because she hated her, because she knew she deserved better than mikayla could ever be. “ you— you wrote me, right? ” she's embarrassed for needing so much validation, but it's impossible for her to trust her memory right now, even if she'd read it so many times that she has the entire thing memorized.

she freezes in place as she starts to come closer.  everything in her wants to rush to her,  to pull her into the tight embrace that she’d been dreaming of for years now,  but she needs to know how mikayla’s feeling before she even really allows herself to get closer.  as she watches mikayla close her eyes,  she holds her breath, only letting it out when she looks at her again,  her weight shifting awkwardly between her feet as she waits for her to say anything.  tai gulps,  taking a small step forward,  realizing that mikayla’s probably in shock —  because she couldn’t blame her for being totally surprised that tai is actually here,  even if as she made her way here,  she tried to convince herself that this was going to be obvious,  that it would be simple.

when she finally does speak,  a tear falls from tai’s eyes.  she’d been so desperate to hear her voice for so long that she hadn’t anticipated what it was going to actually feel like when she heard it again.  worse, even—  because this doesn’t sound like the mikayla she knew.  unsurprising,  but it makes her heart ache even more,  still desperate to just hold her and reassure her that it's okay now.   her question catches her off guard momentarily—  but only because she’s worked so hard these last few years to ignore the hallucinations she used to experience in the wilderness,  how they fueled so many of her darkest actions,  constantly made her feel like she was completely out of control with herself.  but she slowly nods her head,  realizing that mikayla just needs her reassurance — the same way tai had asked for hers many times out there,  when she needed to know she was actually awake,  not just dreaming.  

❝  i’m here,   ❞   she says in a shaky tone,  her nerves only growing as she decides to just move closer—  because while she still wants to follow mikayla’s lead on this,  she believes she still knows her well enough to know what she really needs now.   she takes a deep breath,  reaching her now,  and grabbing her hand,  covering it with the other.   ❝  mikayla,  i’m here,  ❞   she says certainly,  finally starting to smile now,  despite her hesitance.   ❝  i promise—  it’s not in your head.  i’m real.  and you’re out,   ❞    she reminds,  the smile turning to something more proud.   she still just wants to hug her,  but her eyes search hers,  looking for any sign that that’s okay.  

[manslaught]

being released from prison is supposed to be a relief, but mikayla's been anxious about it for weeks instead. she knows she has no home to return to, and while there have been plenty of people who offered for her to stay with them as long as she needs, mikayla doesn't want to have to put any of them in that position— especially not nat or travis. but of course, there is comfort in knowing she's going to see nat anyway, that she won't be alone anymore, even if she has no idea what she's supposed to do from here on. she can worry about that later.

but when she steps out, it's not nat she sees waiting for her. mikayla immediately freezes, because she assumes she's just imagining things. tai isn't actually here. the past year has consisted of her mind torturing her like that, showing her things that weren't there; at first, it seemed like it was her brain's attempt at coping, visualizing taissa or any of the other people in her life there with her in the cell so she wasn't alone. she assumes that letter wasn't real, either, although it felt more real than any of her other hallucinations. after receiving it, she'd spend hours just tracing the letters with her finger, feeling the indents in the pages, trying to tell herself that a hallucination wouldn't be that vivid— but she could never really know for sure.

seeing things alone in her cell was one thing— but the idea that this is her life now, that she's going to be imagining things that aren't there everywhere, fills her with anxiety, makes her wish her dad would have just succeeded. she closes her eyes, taking a deep breath, hoping — and not hoping at the same time — that when she opens them, tai will be gone, her mind will stop fucking with her. but that doesn't work, because when she opens them, she's still there. she glances around quickly, making sure nobody else is near, because the last thing she needs is to let the world know that mikayla desousa's lost her fucking mind if she gets caught talking to thin air.

“ tai— are you— ” her voice shakes, absolutely no trace of the confidence she used to have. “ are you real? this isn't in my head? ” she hopes not, because this is all she's wanted for years now. it's what she's told herself to keep herself going, reasoning that tai would be there when she got out, that she was just busy. but that's exactly why she can't trust that this is actually happening, because it feels too good to be true, because mikayla desousa doesn't get the things she wants in life. “ you're here? ” she feels desperate to reach out, to touch her, because maybe that'll be enough to assure her that she's not just losing her mind, but she's afraid. afraid that if she does, her hand's just going to find nothing, that tai's just going to vanish, and she'll be left alone.

she’s not going to let herself regret this.  she’s had too many regrets over the last five years,  and they all start and end with @manslaught,  which is why she’s forced herself to finally just be here.   she tried in the last few years,  only to realize it was too late—  which only scared her more,  knowing that mikayla’s situation had gone from bad to worse in her final years,  all the more reason for her to stop being the coward she was when mikayla was rescued and be the person she deserves now — if mikayla even wants that.   she had to beg nat to let her have this,  to tell her when she was picking up mikayla so that she could do it instead, and she agreed after her pleading,  only with tai’s promise that she’d call her immediately if mikayla wanted nothing to do with her.   tai’s prepared for that, too, because she has no idea what to expect from mikayla.  maybe she’s long over tai now,  maybe she came to realize that they were never the right fit for her,  anyway.   but tai had time on the outside and still couldn’t come to that realization herself —  because still,  all she wants is her. 

it’s selfish to be here,  selfish to assume that mikayla wants to see her,  especially first thing.  it’s even more selfish for her to not even give her proper warning— to make her face be the first thing mikayla sees when stepping out of prison.  but there’s an optimistic part of taissa that wants to believe that it might be a good thing, too.  if there’s a chance mikayla still believes in the love they had,  then she will see her and feel like there’s hope,  like she has a home—  because tai has that ready for her too,  if she wants it, even if they’re strangers now.   

when she sees her walk out,  she quickly stands up straight,  suddenly more nervous than ever.  her hands clasp in front of her,  then they move to her hips,  then they rest awkwardly at her side,  because she doesn’t know how to act— she just knows she has to follow her lead.  she takes a deep breath,  calming herself,  reminding herself that things used to be easy with mikayla,  and maybe they still can be.   ❝  mm—  ❞   she starts,  and the thought of saying her name out loud again,  to her,  already makes her eyes well with tears.  she gulps, going on.   ❝  hi, mikayla,  ❞   she says,  bringing her hand up to wave,  because all she really wants to do is crash into her and pull her into a hug,  but she can’t act first.  it’s her turn to wait.