#l.elucidate!

[notaxfairytale]

It’s been such a busy week in my world, I’ve hardly had time to sit and update on my life. Since a few days before thanksgiving I’ve been in California spending time with my family and Joey.

It’s been so nice to see the girls and be able to spend time with them, they’re all growing up so fast and I feel like I’m missing out on so much. And it’s always a good time to see my parents and my brothers. Shane heard that Jake had moved to Vancouver because of some company he’s been working with and he asked if I’d run into him while I was there for the luminary winter festival thing. I didn’t want to tell him that he’s been contacting me trying to get me to meet up, so I settled with the truth and some omission, I mean, it’s not like he specifically asked if we’d spoken. But anyways, I told him we hadn’t run into each other. Which was good, always good.

Spent a lot of downtime at the gym with Joey training for that match we have coming up next week. I’d say we’ve got our stuff pretty down pat. We always do, I trust him and he trusts me. It’s an essential part of our team work.

Another great thing while I was back home, 💕my first date with Chris💕. Which went really well! I really like him a lot. Well, anyway, that first date turned into another and another and talk of meeting Jack and then another date and meeting Jack and then our last date before I left was at Disney and it was magical. Wonderful. As if it wasn’t already my favorite place ever, now it has even more reason to be.

We walked around and saw the holiday Star Wars LEGO exhibit. Which was SO COOL!! Look!!

And then we went on Mission Breakout. He got recognized by a handful of fans, but they were all really sweet and respectful and I think maybe realized he was on a date and left things be for the most part. It was really nice, not that I would have minded him having to step away for a few photos or autographs. It’s all in a day’s work, am I right?

We walked through the castle to get to fantasyland to check out all the princess Christmas decor and maybe see if there was anything cute in the shops to bright back for Jack and during that, he’d asked me to be his girlfriend!!! (Right inside mini Arendelle, cause you know, I’m real life Elsa and all that!) And I mean, obviously I said yes. I would have been a complete dummy not to. He’s so good, too good. Anyways, I’m really, super happy. And I can’t wait to see him again because I’m back home.

He’s so cute. 😍

Here it is, I, Candice, am complete gross mush pile over, dare I say it!!! My boyfriend. 💕😍💕💕💕✨✨✨🚀

[fergalflop-blog]

I'm really worried about Pam... I know I need to go see her again soon, or at least call her, but I'm afraid to. I don't know what her memory is like, and I'm afraid of what will happen when she starts remembering. What if she badgers me with questions about who messed with her? I don't feel like I can lie but for her safety, I'll have to. I can't have her finding anything out.

They've been radio silence since all of that... I don't know what to think of it. They were clearly pissed I wasn't in Florida. They expected me to be, that's also clear. They won't take to any of this lightly. I'm honestly scared about what they'll do.

If they touch my family... Liam or Dani, Yasmine... I'd have to kill someone. I can't just look the other way for that shit. I can't.

I feel so lost. I can't sleep. I've barely eaten over the past few days. I'm falling apart from the inside out.

[anotheremptyvessel-blog]

things have been going really well this month, which as surprising as it is it’s also been a really nice feeling. i got everyone’s presents for the holidays squared away and i’m kind of really excited to see everyone’s reactions when they get them. i ran a few of them by candice for good measure and she thinks what i got for ferg is great and that colby is gonna be pleasantly surprised to find out it’s not actually food he’s getting for christmas. well, besides that anyway, it’s cute how my mom wants to do something special for everybody on the raw roster since they’ll be in chicago instead of with all their families on christmas. i hope it makes being away from home a little more bearable for everybody, i know they’re all used to missing family to an extent but on holidays like christmas that’s gotta put a little more salt into the wounds.

speaking of though, i miss nicolet and i’m still really bummed out that she thinks i lied to her. that she thinks i don’t want to be a part of her life anymore, it hurts if i’m being quite honest. i’m not the lying type, and i would never lie to her of all people. she’s like a little sister to me, i miss her like crazy and i want nothing more than to let her know that i love her and she’s more than welcome to spend the holidays with me and my mom even though i’m sure she’ll be spending it with her fiancée. i want to tell her how happy i am for her and hear how great she’s doing, what the engagement was like and how it happened, all that lovely stuff she’s got going on lately… but she wants nothing to do with me because someone else twisted my words, and it sucks because she’s family to me and i miss having that, i miss having her around.

things with colby have been good, really good in all honesty. we’re taking things slow and moving at a pace that’s comfortable for the two of us, i love spending time with him that’s outside of work. when it’s just cathy and colby, and not cathy kelley interviewing seth rollins for media posts. i get to see that side of him that not a lot of other people do, that softer and somewhat more reserved side and it’s nice. which doesn’t go to say he’s not still that sarcastic little shit with me, because he definitely is and i enjoy that side of him too. but just hearing him talk about things like his family, how his brother or his mom are and when she asks about me or tells him to tell me hi. it makes me happy, and makes me feel less crazy when my mom does the same thing about him hahaha. he’s been nothing patient with me, both in general about opening up as well as making sure i know i can genuinely trust him again, even though it didn’t take much for that to happen again anyway which is new for me… but in the best way possible. and he doesn’t make me feel like anything from my past makes me a shitty person, which is still a surreal concept i’m still trying to wrap my head around but not in a bad way. this whole thing, us, the ‘something’ as he called it that we’ve going on, it’s nice. it has me hopeful of the direction things are headed, which has been something i’d been afraid to find for a long time. and i have to admit watching him get that little tiny bit jealous about joey jokingly asking me out and hitting on me was really cute… but it’s late and now isn’t the time to get all soft and gross about him so i’m gonna chill the hell out at least until i see him for candice’s match tomorrow.

but i dunno, i’m hoping to close the year out on nothing but positive notes, at least as much as i possibly can. i want to roll into 2018 with a clean slate and a positive outlook on the new year and i’m trying my best to make that happen. i’m surrounded by people that care about me and have my best interests at heart and it’s turning out to not be a bad thing that i’ve let a few of my walls down for someone too. so hopefully i’ll close this chapter of my life on a good note, but i guess we’ll see.

[ragdollthoughts]

As of two days ago, I am no longer an escort. I now work for Bill at one of his clubs. I am a manager. I’ll make sure the girls he has there are good, and all that stuff.

This will be interesting...

[regretitxll-blog]

tag dump

[luminaryrp-blog1]

please unfollow the following :

PAIGE DUDDY ● inactive

the following roles are on hiatus :

MORGAN PARRIOTT ● until 09/27

the following members have not yet posted an update ( on sideblog ) and are being asked to please do so whenever you can : 

reminder: updates should be tagged either l.update! or l.elucidate! so that they can be easily found when checks are being done

amber bain

dave escamilla ( not tagged correctly )

fergal devitt

harry styles

yasmine yousaf ( not tagged correctly )

zayn malik ( not tagged correctly )

the following members have not yet posted a secret ( on sideblog ) and are being asked to please do so whenever you can :

secrets should be tagged with l.secret!

fergal devitt

g eazy

harry styles

jp cappelletty

katabasis king

louis tomlinson

mgk

madelaine petsch

niykee heaton

tom holland

xavier rexha

[notaxfairytale]

I’m ready to just, go home. And lay in my own bed and be done with all of these doctors appointments and physicals. I want to sign that contract and be ready to start up this newest chapter in my life. I’ve kicked off this year in the luckiest way I can imagine, but I still feel off. And maybe that’s my own insecurities getting in the way, but I just, don’t know anymore.

My heart feels like it’s just in a constant state of exhaustion and I’m so afraid of getting hurt again. And logically I know Chris wouldn’t hurt me, not intentionally, not the way that Jake did. I know he wouldn’t cause me any kind of physical harm, he’s a good guy. But maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Or maybe I’m just not good enough for him. Maybe. Maybe Bryce is better cut out for this than I am. And I know that maybe I shouldn’t think that way. But she’s so much.. prettier, more graceful than I am. And they’ve got this strong bond already. And I’m just new. Maybe he’ll get tired of it soon.

She’s a nice woman and I feel awful... feeling so intimidated by her. But after yesterday, I think it just solidified things. She does know him better than I do. And she cares about him so much. She pushes him to talk, to try to better himself and then there’s me. I hardly know any of what he feels. I wait around for him to just open up on his own and maybe he doesn’t need that... maybe he needs someone to push him, to strive to better himself. And I just.. I can’t bring myself to do that because I’m so.. scared. I’m scared to open up and let my walls come down. I’m scared of being open and vulnerable.

I shouldn’t feel like this, I’ve got Joey. And we’ve got that easy kind of boy/girl friendship, but even there are lines drawn there. He’d never come touch me like that in front of Chris, or at all. He’d never come at me and lick my face or anything like that in front of him or at all. Sure, he’s fucking flung me across the ring half naked (in my gear), but that’s just.. work, in the ring. Where I’m something more of a secret weapon than anything.

I’m trying so hard not to get upset, not to get jealous. But I think it’s best if I just go home. Maybe talk to someone about this. I don’t know. He said he loves me, but I’m not sure I believe it. I do love him, though. And that’s what makes it hurt more. I let those stupid walls come down and I shouldn’t have.

[fergalflop-blog]

Cathy has been such a good friend lately while I’ve been dealing with Pam and Colby. She’s the one who Colby hurt and she’s here giving me advice when it comes to making up with him and Pam both. I tried with Pam last night. I really did, but in the end she said that it hurts too much to be my friend, because seeing me happy makes her miserable. That really sucks. I don’t like this, but I can’t force her to stay around and try to be friends if that’s what’s causing her pain. I don’t want our friendship to come to a close at all. She and I have been through a lot together.

I want to make up with Colby too but I’ve said some really hurtful things lately. Fighting with him isn’t what I want to do, but he’s the one in the wrong here. He can’t just act that way towards women and think it’s okay. I do need to go apologize for my petty comments. I just think he won’t want to hear anything I have to say. I might try talking to him later tonight at work, I don’t know.

Yasmine and I argued last night. I was in a sour mood all around. I really need to stop taking it out on her and learn to better channel my anger and censor myself. I felt bad for being snappy and then later crawling to her for comfort when I got upset about Pam. I’m a mess.

[anotheremptyvessel-blog]

the past couple of weeks have been so up and down, it’s been a little nerve wracking but it kind of feels like things are getting better, or at least that they’ll be okay. i hit one of those weird, self deprecating patches again ended up staying in that slump for a lot longer than i had expected to, but i think i’m doing a lot better now than i was. i’ve mostly just focused my time on making sure candice actually put that guard down for once and enjoyed her time with chris, while also trying my best to get ferg and colby to stop their little pissing contest and just apologize to one another because their friendship isn’t worth ruining over stuff like that at the end of the day. hopefully both ‘issues’ if you’d even call them that panned or will pan out okay, we’ll see what happens.

besides all that though thanksgiving was so, so needed. my mom really helped me chill the hell out and stop overthinking things, it got my ass in gear a little bit and i tried as best as i could to stop jumping to the absolute worst conclusions about every little thing going on in my life. but i’m me so naturally that probably won’t last very long and the pessimist in me will come shining through once again, which brings me to everything else going on right now. mostly because i don’t really know what to expect out of this week, him visiting and everything i mean. but it’ll be nice to actually spend some time with him that’s not revolving around making time in between work, saying hi and bye before leaving again, or ending up with me trapped in a hotel room for nearly two days straight all by myself. i’m nervous, but it’s not in a bad way or anything like that. more so that whole ‘i haven’t done this in a long time and do a great job at putting my foot in my mouth at the best/worst of times’ sort of thing on top of still being a little guarded after everything that happened, but i’m trying not to psych myself out about anything and focus on it being a good time.

[ragdollthoughts]

Halloween Haunter Headcanons 👻🎃

• The first day of the festival I went as Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas, though it wasn’t a traditional costume it was Dapper Day version. I painted several faces that day, and one of the ones that stood out the most was the little girl wanting me to paint a pumpkin on her face. Kinda like Jack.

• The second day was Movie day, and Bill and I went as Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow. It was fun, and I was so content to be in an outfit like this. I normally don’t like being in heels that are short, but it was all good. I didn’t paint many faces that day, but I did catch some panels, and helped people get to where they wanted to go.

• The third day was by far my favorite. I went as Zombie!White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. I spent hours on all of the details on that outfit, and it was just perfect. I painted a lot of Zombie faces that day. And I enjoyed every bit of it. I had a little boy wanting to talk to me about the head I had made to go along with my outfit.

• The day off was spent talking and hanging out with Bill. We disappeared up to Salem for a few hours, and got back in the early morning of my Birthday. I got a lot of things while I was up there, but it was a perfect little trip I had. When we got back, we laid in bed and talked. Up until the sun was coming up just barely. 

• Birthday, Ball. Today/Tonight was perfect. Magical, even. I felt like I was on cloud nine, despite only having a few hours of sleep. We decided to go as an old world vampire couple. Bill helped me get ready since I was having trouble staying awake.

• After the ball, birthday end. We are back in the suit, and I am make up free. We’re gonna fly back to LA, so I can get my Birthday trip suitcase, and then go on my birthday trip. I need it. I want to get away from the world for awhile, and Bill is gonna be there, so that helps.

[luminaryrp-blog1]

can you explain the whole sideblog thing? sorry i'm a bit confused by it.

no need to be sorry love, i’ll do my best to break it down for ya ! since this group is heavily drama based we ask in the rules that you give us at least 2 updates per month for your character and post them on your sideblog only. basically break down what has happened to/with your character since your last update (the more detail the better) - this gives the magazine insight into gossip on your character. the more dirt you give us, the more we have to play with ! if you do not post an update at least every 14 days you will receive an activity warning. we ask that you tag your updates with l.elucidate so it will be easier for the magazine to filter out. hope this helps, lmk if you need anything else !

[notaxfairytale]

Last night was some kind of something. It really caught me off guard.. In a good way. 

This weekend has been stressful and has had me in the ugliest of moods with my anxiety flying through the roof. And in part, a lot of it has to do with being in the same general area as Jake. On top of him consistently texting me this weekend wanting to meet up. For what reason? I don’t know. But I’m so OVER IT, I don’t want to deal with it. What makes him think I’d even want to see him after everything we’ve been through? After that second chance I gave him and him proving that absolutely nothing had changed. Taking my softness for granted. Over and over and over and over again. 

Anyways, after a bunch of shameless flirting (which I may or may not have responded to) and not so subtly asking me if I had a boyfriend, Chris asked me out. All of this AFTER posting directly at me on the dash saying that he finds me wrestling sexy, but that I could also probably kick his ass. Which, let’s be real, I could. But only if he deserved it. 💪🏻✨

I’m still !!!!!! over this. I’m kinda really excited about it... Kinda hesitant, really hesitant. But excited nonetheless. It’s been a really long time since I’ve spent time with anyone in a more than just friends setting and if I’m being honest with myself, I’ve missed that aspect of things. I’ve missed clicking with someone and soft kisses and hand touches. It’s so stupid, but in the last year of my relationship with Jake things just got really.. Hard and rough. And I didn’t want to be part of it anymore, but I was scared to walk out on it. I was afraid that no one else would really love me the way that he did. I was afraid of him physically hurting me and that’s the point where I swore off any sort of physical intimacy, but jeebus, I’d be so so so STUPID to let this slide through my fingers. He seems like a good guy. Sweet and funny. But then there’s that part of me that remembers, well, Jake was a good guy, a little rough around the edges, but he was still good.. And then something changed.

I’m afraid to take that kind of risk again. I mean.. I’m a lot tougher than I was then.. On the outside, at least. I think things still really wound me a lot.. Really easily, but I’ve been working on it. That whole thick skin thing. I don’t want that kind of disappointment and hurt again and when I really think about it, I just want to back down and run off. I don’t know what I should do.

[fergalflop-blog]

But in better news, I did get to talk to her mom one-on-one about my intentions, and she seemed really happy about it. I honestly couldn't have gotten a better reaction. She's on board and told me to call or text her if I needed any advice. I texted Jahan about it today, and she's happy too. I'm so happy our families get along and that they approve of me. I need to talk to her dad still, and that'll come very soon. I want to do this right. I don't know when I'm going to find time to go look for an engagement ring, but it'll come soon enough. Maybe I'll have some down time in Vancouver. If not, it'll be after Summerslam and the carnival, when things settle from a busy week. I've got my hands full with Liam until Sunday anyways.

[anotheremptyvessel-blog]

i don’t know what the hell i’m doing with my life anymore at this point haha. one minute I think things are fine and that everything is going okay, that good things might actually happen for me and maybe it’s okay to be vulnerable and feel like that. to feel things like that for someone else again. and then i get that wave of just…. feeling shitty. like I need to put all those walls back up because there’s that ugly gut feeling that i’m gonna end up beating myself up over something that isn’t anything in the first place and I really hate feeling like that. like I don’t deserve to be happy, and I know candice would beat my ass if she knew it was getting bad like that again, but i can’t help it these days. I just feel like i’m gonna open myself up and say things I probably should be more careful about at the best of times, it’s gonna end up being all for nothing and like i said before, bite me in the ass again, like it always does. and then i’m the one who’s gonna be left feeling like a god damn idiot both in general and when I actually have to go back to reality and face it all at work too 🙃

I miss my mom, granted I talk to her every single day I don’t like to make her worry about me when i’m so far away. I almost want to duck out of work a week early and just hang out back home with her until the end of the month rather than just the week of thanksgiving, but that’s such a cowardly thing to do hahaha. I know in the long run i’m better than that, but even so, it feels like I kind of need it at this point. to just avoid everybody but my mom (and candice cause she’d have my head on a sparkly pink platter if I did that to her) for a little while and regroup, pull myself back together a little bit. but who knows, with my luck i’ll keep letting everything pile up and act like absolutely nothing is wrong until I have a nervous breakdown and end up back in a therapists office haha.

[ragdollthoughts]

Well, I don't know how this is gonna happen, but I am gonna buy out my contract from Aberdeen. Even if I have to get someone to do it, and I have to go work as something else, until the debt is paid. I just can't keep living like this.

In other news, I don’t know what is going on with Bill and I, but we’re not really talking. Maybe I fucked up. Or something. Who knows.