#l.elucidate!

[fergalflop-blog]

I'm really worried about Pam... I know I need to go see her again soon, or at least call her, but I'm afraid to. I don't know what her memory is like, and I'm afraid of what will happen when she starts remembering. What if she badgers me with questions about who messed with her? I don't feel like I can lie but for her safety, I'll have to. I can't have her finding anything out.

They've been radio silence since all of that... I don't know what to think of it. They were clearly pissed I wasn't in Florida. They expected me to be, that's also clear. They won't take to any of this lightly. I'm honestly scared about what they'll do.

If they touch my family... Liam or Dani, Yasmine... I'd have to kill someone. I can't just look the other way for that shit. I can't.

I feel so lost. I can't sleep. I've barely eaten over the past few days. I'm falling apart from the inside out.

[anotheremptyvessel-blog]

things have been going really well this month, which as surprising as it is it’s also been a really nice feeling. i got everyone’s presents for the holidays squared away and i’m kind of really excited to see everyone’s reactions when they get them. i ran a few of them by candice for good measure and she thinks what i got for ferg is great and that colby is gonna be pleasantly surprised to find out it’s not actually food he’s getting for christmas. well, besides that anyway, it’s cute how my mom wants to do something special for everybody on the raw roster since they’ll be in chicago instead of with all their families on christmas. i hope it makes being away from home a little more bearable for everybody, i know they’re all used to missing family to an extent but on holidays like christmas that’s gotta put a little more salt into the wounds.

speaking of though, i miss nicolet and i’m still really bummed out that she thinks i lied to her. that she thinks i don’t want to be a part of her life anymore, it hurts if i’m being quite honest. i’m not the lying type, and i would never lie to her of all people. she’s like a little sister to me, i miss her like crazy and i want nothing more than to let her know that i love her and she’s more than welcome to spend the holidays with me and my mom even though i’m sure she’ll be spending it with her fiancée. i want to tell her how happy i am for her and hear how great she’s doing, what the engagement was like and how it happened, all that lovely stuff she’s got going on lately… but she wants nothing to do with me because someone else twisted my words, and it sucks because she’s family to me and i miss having that, i miss having her around.

things with colby have been good, really good in all honesty. we’re taking things slow and moving at a pace that’s comfortable for the two of us, i love spending time with him that’s outside of work. when it’s just cathy and colby, and not cathy kelley interviewing seth rollins for media posts. i get to see that side of him that not a lot of other people do, that softer and somewhat more reserved side and it’s nice. which doesn’t go to say he’s not still that sarcastic little shit with me, because he definitely is and i enjoy that side of him too. but just hearing him talk about things like his family, how his brother or his mom are and when she asks about me or tells him to tell me hi. it makes me happy, and makes me feel less crazy when my mom does the same thing about him hahaha. he’s been nothing patient with me, both in general about opening up as well as making sure i know i can genuinely trust him again, even though it didn’t take much for that to happen again anyway which is new for me… but in the best way possible. and he doesn’t make me feel like anything from my past makes me a shitty person, which is still a surreal concept i’m still trying to wrap my head around but not in a bad way. this whole thing, us, the ‘something’ as he called it that we’ve going on, it’s nice. it has me hopeful of the direction things are headed, which has been something i’d been afraid to find for a long time. and i have to admit watching him get that little tiny bit jealous about joey jokingly asking me out and hitting on me was really cute… but it’s late and now isn’t the time to get all soft and gross about him so i’m gonna chill the hell out at least until i see him for candice’s match tomorrow.

but i dunno, i’m hoping to close the year out on nothing but positive notes, at least as much as i possibly can. i want to roll into 2018 with a clean slate and a positive outlook on the new year and i’m trying my best to make that happen. i’m surrounded by people that care about me and have my best interests at heart and it’s turning out to not be a bad thing that i’ve let a few of my walls down for someone too. so hopefully i’ll close this chapter of my life on a good note, but i guess we’ll see.

[ragdollthoughts]

As of two days ago, I am no longer an escort. I now work for Bill at one of his clubs. I am a manager. I’ll make sure the girls he has there are good, and all that stuff.

This will be interesting...

[luminaryrp-blog1]

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[notaxfairytale]

I’m ready to just, go home. And lay in my own bed and be done with all of these doctors appointments and physicals. I want to sign that contract and be ready to start up this newest chapter in my life. I’ve kicked off this year in the luckiest way I can imagine, but I still feel off. And maybe that’s my own insecurities getting in the way, but I just, don’t know anymore.

My heart feels like it’s just in a constant state of exhaustion and I’m so afraid of getting hurt again. And logically I know Chris wouldn’t hurt me, not intentionally, not the way that Jake did. I know he wouldn’t cause me any kind of physical harm, he’s a good guy. But maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Or maybe I’m just not good enough for him. Maybe. Maybe Bryce is better cut out for this than I am. And I know that maybe I shouldn’t think that way. But she’s so much.. prettier, more graceful than I am. And they’ve got this strong bond already. And I’m just new. Maybe he’ll get tired of it soon.

She’s a nice woman and I feel awful... feeling so intimidated by her. But after yesterday, I think it just solidified things. She does know him better than I do. And she cares about him so much. She pushes him to talk, to try to better himself and then there’s me. I hardly know any of what he feels. I wait around for him to just open up on his own and maybe he doesn’t need that... maybe he needs someone to push him, to strive to better himself. And I just.. I can’t bring myself to do that because I’m so.. scared. I’m scared to open up and let my walls come down. I’m scared of being open and vulnerable.

I shouldn’t feel like this, I’ve got Joey. And we’ve got that easy kind of boy/girl friendship, but even there are lines drawn there. He’d never come touch me like that in front of Chris, or at all. He’d never come at me and lick my face or anything like that in front of him or at all. Sure, he’s fucking flung me across the ring half naked (in my gear), but that’s just.. work, in the ring. Where I’m something more of a secret weapon than anything.

I’m trying so hard not to get upset, not to get jealous. But I think it’s best if I just go home. Maybe talk to someone about this. I don’t know. He said he loves me, but I’m not sure I believe it. I do love him, though. And that’s what makes it hurt more. I let those stupid walls come down and I shouldn’t have.

[fergalflop-blog]

Cathy has been such a good friend lately while I’ve been dealing with Pam and Colby. She’s the one who Colby hurt and she’s here giving me advice when it comes to making up with him and Pam both. I tried with Pam last night. I really did, but in the end she said that it hurts too much to be my friend, because seeing me happy makes her miserable. That really sucks. I don’t like this, but I can’t force her to stay around and try to be friends if that’s what’s causing her pain. I don’t want our friendship to come to a close at all. She and I have been through a lot together.

I want to make up with Colby too but I’ve said some really hurtful things lately. Fighting with him isn’t what I want to do, but he’s the one in the wrong here. He can’t just act that way towards women and think it’s okay. I do need to go apologize for my petty comments. I just think he won’t want to hear anything I have to say. I might try talking to him later tonight at work, I don’t know.

Yasmine and I argued last night. I was in a sour mood all around. I really need to stop taking it out on her and learn to better channel my anger and censor myself. I felt bad for being snappy and then later crawling to her for comfort when I got upset about Pam. I’m a mess.

[anotheremptyvessel-blog]

the past couple of weeks have been so up and down, it’s been a little nerve wracking but it kind of feels like things are getting better, or at least that they’ll be okay. i hit one of those weird, self deprecating patches again ended up staying in that slump for a lot longer than i had expected to, but i think i’m doing a lot better now than i was. i’ve mostly just focused my time on making sure candice actually put that guard down for once and enjoyed her time with chris, while also trying my best to get ferg and colby to stop their little pissing contest and just apologize to one another because their friendship isn’t worth ruining over stuff like that at the end of the day. hopefully both ‘issues’ if you’d even call them that panned or will pan out okay, we’ll see what happens.

besides all that though thanksgiving was so, so needed. my mom really helped me chill the hell out and stop overthinking things, it got my ass in gear a little bit and i tried as best as i could to stop jumping to the absolute worst conclusions about every little thing going on in my life. but i’m me so naturally that probably won’t last very long and the pessimist in me will come shining through once again, which brings me to everything else going on right now. mostly because i don’t really know what to expect out of this week, him visiting and everything i mean. but it’ll be nice to actually spend some time with him that’s not revolving around making time in between work, saying hi and bye before leaving again, or ending up with me trapped in a hotel room for nearly two days straight all by myself. i’m nervous, but it’s not in a bad way or anything like that. more so that whole ‘i haven’t done this in a long time and do a great job at putting my foot in my mouth at the best/worst of times’ sort of thing on top of still being a little guarded after everything that happened, but i’m trying not to psych myself out about anything and focus on it being a good time.

[ragdollthoughts]

Halloween Haunter Headcanons 👻🎃

• The first day of the festival I went as Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas, though it wasn’t a traditional costume it was Dapper Day version. I painted several faces that day, and one of the ones that stood out the most was the little girl wanting me to paint a pumpkin on her face. Kinda like Jack.

• The second day was Movie day, and Bill and I went as Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow. It was fun, and I was so content to be in an outfit like this. I normally don’t like being in heels that are short, but it was all good. I didn’t paint many faces that day, but I did catch some panels, and helped people get to where they wanted to go.

• The third day was by far my favorite. I went as Zombie!White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. I spent hours on all of the details on that outfit, and it was just perfect. I painted a lot of Zombie faces that day. And I enjoyed every bit of it. I had a little boy wanting to talk to me about the head I had made to go along with my outfit.

• The day off was spent talking and hanging out with Bill. We disappeared up to Salem for a few hours, and got back in the early morning of my Birthday. I got a lot of things while I was up there, but it was a perfect little trip I had. When we got back, we laid in bed and talked. Up until the sun was coming up just barely. 

• Birthday, Ball. Today/Tonight was perfect. Magical, even. I felt like I was on cloud nine, despite only having a few hours of sleep. We decided to go as an old world vampire couple. Bill helped me get ready since I was having trouble staying awake.

• After the ball, birthday end. We are back in the suit, and I am make up free. We’re gonna fly back to LA, so I can get my Birthday trip suitcase, and then go on my birthday trip. I need it. I want to get away from the world for awhile, and Bill is gonna be there, so that helps.

[fergalflop-blog]

But in better news, I did get to talk to her mom one-on-one about my intentions, and she seemed really happy about it. I honestly couldn't have gotten a better reaction. She's on board and told me to call or text her if I needed any advice. I texted Jahan about it today, and she's happy too. I'm so happy our families get along and that they approve of me. I need to talk to her dad still, and that'll come very soon. I want to do this right. I don't know when I'm going to find time to go look for an engagement ring, but it'll come soon enough. Maybe I'll have some down time in Vancouver. If not, it'll be after Summerslam and the carnival, when things settle from a busy week. I've got my hands full with Liam until Sunday anyways.

[anotheremptyvessel-blog]

i don’t know what the hell i’m doing with my life anymore at this point haha. one minute I think things are fine and that everything is going okay, that good things might actually happen for me and maybe it’s okay to be vulnerable and feel like that. to feel things like that for someone else again. and then i get that wave of just…. feeling shitty. like I need to put all those walls back up because there’s that ugly gut feeling that i’m gonna end up beating myself up over something that isn’t anything in the first place and I really hate feeling like that. like I don’t deserve to be happy, and I know candice would beat my ass if she knew it was getting bad like that again, but i can’t help it these days. I just feel like i’m gonna open myself up and say things I probably should be more careful about at the best of times, it’s gonna end up being all for nothing and like i said before, bite me in the ass again, like it always does. and then i’m the one who’s gonna be left feeling like a god damn idiot both in general and when I actually have to go back to reality and face it all at work too 🙃

I miss my mom, granted I talk to her every single day I don’t like to make her worry about me when i’m so far away. I almost want to duck out of work a week early and just hang out back home with her until the end of the month rather than just the week of thanksgiving, but that’s such a cowardly thing to do hahaha. I know in the long run i’m better than that, but even so, it feels like I kind of need it at this point. to just avoid everybody but my mom (and candice cause she’d have my head on a sparkly pink platter if I did that to her) for a little while and regroup, pull myself back together a little bit. but who knows, with my luck i’ll keep letting everything pile up and act like absolutely nothing is wrong until I have a nervous breakdown and end up back in a therapists office haha.

[ragdollthoughts]

Well, I don't know how this is gonna happen, but I am gonna buy out my contract from Aberdeen. Even if I have to get someone to do it, and I have to go work as something else, until the debt is paid. I just can't keep living like this.

In other news, I don’t know what is going on with Bill and I, but we’re not really talking. Maybe I fucked up. Or something. Who knows.

[notaxfairytale]

Emotional DOOMSDAY is in less than 24 hours and the closer it gets the worse I start to feel. I try to be the stronger one out of all of us, I want to hold everyone up and make them feel like everything’s alright. Like everything’s going to be alright, but the truth is, I don’t know if I believe everything I’m preaching. I just want everyone I care about to be happy and I’m willing to push for it, whatever it takes. I hate burdening people with how I feel, especially if I know they’re not doing too great themselves.

It’s so hard to talk about things lately and I guess... maybe, just maybe it’s better that way. Not talking about things. Because everyone’s been so out of sorts lately and I just want to make them feel better and not worry about what’s been going on here... with me, that is. I mean for God’s sake, the Jake thing was how many years ago? Ten? Maybe. I don’t know... I did go through that period where I went back to him. So I guess if you count that, it’s been less. But nothing’s changed. And maybe he was right. No one would ever want me the way he did.

Tomorrow is Rachel’s birthday and I miss her more than ever. I know Cathy and Nicolet do too. Poor Nyk. I’m worried about both of them. More than I am myself. It’s hard, it’s always a hard day for the three of us and maybe being together would be a good thing. Not that any of us will be doing much of anything but curling up that day.

Rachel was always so strong and happy. And she didn’t deserve any of what she got, but she made way with the cards she was dealt gracefully. I admire her for that. She encouraged my want to go to culinary school when I expressed my interest in baking and made her the coolest cake one summer. And then when I told her I’d taken up wrestling she laughed and called me a nerd, but said I’d be the toughest girl out there kicking butts. Anything I wanted, she wanted for me. Any dream I had, she said I had the means to achieve them... even if I didn’t believe so myself in that moment. And I really miss her. Heaven’s got one hell of an angel with that one. Our sweet, beautiful angel.

I keep thinking about Jake and how awful things ended and how scared I am to let anyone in. Chris has been really... sweet lately. I don’t think it means anything. I don’t think I really want it to mean anything. People have a way of disappointing you... if you let them, you know? And I don’t really want to give anyone the chance to even remotely disappoint me.

I’m looking forward to hanging out with Ferg more at the thanksgiving event thing. We’re friends, just haven’t really talked a lot. I don’t know. I haven’t really been in a good place emotionally recently so it’s been hard to reach out. I’ve just been talking to Colby and Cath, really. Which... I’m rooting for them. They could really make each other happy. And I want nothing more than for Cathy to be happy. She’s my best friend and she deserves it.

[fergalflop-blog]

Fergal and Yasmine took an impromptu vacation to Cancun, Mexico last Tuesday after flying to England for Monday Night Raw in Manchester. The two had brunch with his parents Tuesday morning after a night where they finally got laid for what felt like the first time in forever since drama had become commonplace in their lives. The sex was great, and it made Fergal a lot less stressed when they travelled Tuesday.

They reached Cancun that evening, and managed to get dinner and drinks at a small place near the hotel. After dinner, they went and walked along the beach by the hotel, finding a bar on the beach that served them more drinks and had a small beach bonfire going. Fergal enjoyed just getting to walk around hand in hand with Yasmine for the night, finding the atmosphere very relaxing. He really was glad she suggested the vacation, knowing they both needed the escape.

They spent the first day strictly on the beach, soaking up sunshine, as well as copious amounts of sunblock for Fergal's pale skin. Fergal managed to get day drunk, and was all smiles, just glad to let loose and not have any worries for a few days. He was also very happy to be out in public with Yasmine away from overly judgemental eyes. He always had that worry in his mind that fans would berate her or their relationship, but in Cancun, that was far from his mind for a change.

One of the days they were there, Fergal planned a snorkeling outing for them, wanting to see some of the sea life. He'd never been snorkeling before, so experiencing a first like this with Yasmine was very special to him. He appreciated her a lot that day, as she reminded him often to reapply sunblock so he wouldn't burn. The day was really hot and wore him out due to the heat, but it was all worth it to him.

Tired from the heat, the next day the two just chose to stay in bed all day, fooling around and ordering in food to their heart's content. Fergal made sure their do not disturb sign was on the door from the time they woke up, wanting to give Yasmine his undivided attention. He's felt more and more connected to her recently, thanks to the trip especially, and is excited about how much their relationship is growing.

Their final night there, he took Yasmine out to a romantic dinner, as promised. They dressed to the nines and Fergal was head over heels for Yasmine in a dress, as it's not something he sees a lot. He got a little wine drunk and was completely smitten over dinner and the two laughed quite a lot, gaining some dirty looks from other diners when the noise disturbed their meals.

[anotheremptyvessel-blog]

i don’t know where to start really, i mean… there’s been a lot more good than bad lately. but i still have that empty feeling looming around. things have been great, in all honesty, between work and the people i’ve been surrounding myself with that have made things even better. but the only thing i keep thinking about lately is that ugly phone call, or well, message left on my phone. it’s been years without a word and i’m not really up for talking to him even after all this time. i’d rather continue going about living my life without ever talking to adam and just pushing all that to the back of my mind like i’ve done the last five years. granted i brought it up, to a very small degree the other night when it was late and i wasn’t really thinking all that much about what i was even saying to colby really. and that alone is a whole, well i’m not really sure but that’s not the point right now. but back to the ‘important’ stuff, there’s a sadly big part of me that wonders if i’ll ever have that again, i fucked a lot of it up for myself last time and who’s to say i wouldn’t do it again. granted there was a lot of bad shit going on at the time and the way he left just.. despite being okay now and well past everything that happened, i don’t really wanna think about it more than i already have lately. but at the same time i can’t be thinking about that stuff as is anyway, not with the way i’ve been feeling about other things lately. i tried talking to candice about it a little bit, or well she talked and i chose to try my best to ignore it completely. and me being me i’ll continue to ignore it rather than getting my hopes up let alone hurting myself over absolutely nothing. continue living my life by the “if i ignore it maybe it’ll go away” motto, as per usual 😬