#kyle smells like cereal pass it on

[tuckersucks]

broflovski aint got nothin on me and thats a rock fact 

[kodavistaa]

F.E.A.R.

Summary: Joygrave encounters a vampire problem after Vampstille gives them a surprise visit.

Notes: This is inspired by this awesome video by The Hoodies (Joywave’s old band) and all the Vampstille lore, of course. I recommended watching it before you read, although this fic does make some changes to the video. Also I originally wrote this as a joke, but honestly I don’t know if it still is anymore, so if this skirts a weird line between comedy and seriousness, that’s why.

Warnings: Vampire murder, cringe, me not knowing how British people speak

“If you guys want anything to drink, we have water, coffee… or tea, whatever you British people drink,” Daniel Armbruster says as the Vampstille and Joygrave guys are casually chatting. To Daniel’s dismay, the Vampstille guys have suddenly shown up at the Joycave, coming back from a vampire hunt, and made themselves at home for the night.

“So how have you lot been?” Diordan asks.

“Things have gotten a bit hectic since Ben left to go into demon hunting, but it’s been good, just the usual ghostbusting,” Joey replies.

“What was that vampire hunt you guys said you were coming back from?” Daniel asks.

“A new clan was causing trouble in Buffalo,” Woody says, “it’s good we nipped the problem right in the bud. Once a clan starts growing it becomes a real pain.”

“Rochester has had more vampire activity recently,” Daniel sighs, “we think they’re just passing by, but I do not want to deal with vampires coming here. Our vacuum isn’t equipped for vampires yet.”

~~~

Crash!

Daniel wakes up groggily and has the nagging feeling that Diordan touched something he wasn’t supposed to mess with.

“I swear if he breaks something,” Daniel mumbles as he puts on his glasses.

He makes his way out of his room and sees Diordan wandering about.

“Hey,” Daniel yells, “I told you not to touch any- ohhhh, you’re not Dan.”

An unfamiliar vampire flashes his fangs at Daniel.

“Noooooo!” Daniel screams, throwing the nearest thing next to him, a cereal bowl, at the vampire, and runs. The vampire pins Daniel against the wall and aims his fangs at his neck, but suddenly drops dead before he can bite Daniel. 

Diordan stands in front of the other, stake in hand, “you okay?”

Daniel exhales, “yeah.”

The window next to them breaks and a few vampires jump in.

“Oh God no,” Daniel whines, “what did you bring with you?”

“Dunno,” Diordan replies, getting his spare stake and tossing it to Daniel, “but unless you want to become someone’s next meal, you gotta fight.”

Woody bursts into the room in his wolf form, taking out one of the vampires. The rest of Vampstille and Joygrave follow, all armed with stakes.

“We’re surrounded, one of them almost got Paul,” Kyle says, “how are we going to get out of this one?”

“How many are there out there?” Diordan asks as he fights off another vampire.

“About 10, but we don’t know if there’s more coming,” Will answers, gracefully dodging a vampire flying at him.

“There’s 7 of us, we can take them.”

“I think you overestimate me!” Daniel screams as he sends his stake into a vampire, “ugh, I really hate doing that.”

Diordan chuckles, “you got it, mate, just do that 9 more times.”

Vampstille and Joygrave work surprisingly well together, taking out vampires like a well-oiled machine. Soon enough, the intruders start retreating.

“How many escaped?” Diordan asks.

“Four,” Woody answers, back in his human form.

“What was that?” Daniel says, exasperated, “were they from the clan you guys dealt with?”

Woody shakes his head, “no, totally different scent.”

“Those vampires were trying to get you,” Will says, looking at the Joygrave boys, “they totally ignored me sometimes. Strange, because I’m clearly the bigger threat.”

The Joygrave guys gulp.

“Could any vampires be after you?” Diordan asks.

“No! We don’t do vampires, if you haven’t figured it out already,” Daniel says, digging through his drawers to find his cross he definitely put somewhere in the Joycave years ago.

“Yeah, he gets creeped out when I’m in my bat form, tries to vacuum me,” Diordan replies, side-eyeing Daniel, “there has to be something else...”

“I think we should follow them,” Kyle suggests, “get a surprise on them before they can recover. We’ll have the equipment from the van with us this time.”

~~~

“Woody, do you smell anything?” Kyle asks.

Woody takes a moment to sniff the wind, “I’m getting 3 vampires, just here recently.”

“You said there were 4 of them that escaped, right?” Joey says.

Diordan peers at a rock with a few drops of blood not yet dried on it, “you think the other one could’ve split up?”

“They could be getting back up,” Will suggests.

They find themselves following the path of the vampires to a rickety and old, but large, mansion.

“Are you sure it ends here?” Diordan asks Woody, to which the werewolf nods.

Kyle opens the trunk of the van, “let’s get suited up.”

Woody leads the group as they enter the house carefully, hyper-aware of any sounds or changes of wind. He motions to a staircase leading down the basement and as they make their way down the stairs, faint music can barely be heard through the walls.

“Do you hear that?” Joey whispers.

Daniel’s face turns pale, “no, it can’t be.”

“What is it?” Kyle asks.

“It’s… it’s,” Paul stutters, “it’s Rock & Roll Part 2.”

“Guys, the EMF is off the charts,” Joey says, pointing at his EMF meter, “it’s a level 5 apparition.”

“What are you talking about?” Diordan asks, confused.

Daniel pushes the group up the stairs, “we have to get out of here, now!”

A red figure flies past them, bringing a gust of wind that almost knocks them off their feet, and Daniel thinks he sees a flash of sparkly gold sunglasses before they all rush into the van, driving off as fast as the van can handle.

“What was that?” Diordan asks exasperatedly.

“Terry Glitter,” Daniel replies solemnly, “it was one of our first experiences ghost hunting. We weren’t even Joygrave yet, we were The Spookies. We were going to a gig, the first one in a long time. It turned out the promoter was a ghost, vengeful and swore to terrorize all musicians... He got our friend, Brandon.”

Daniel sniffles as Joey pats him on the back, “we thought we contained him.”

“We didn’t know about level 5 apparitions then, and our equipment wasn’t the best,” Joey says, “he must’ve tricked us and escaped.”

“Level 5 apparition? Can you get rid of those?” Woody wonders.

Paul nods, “we have the proper equipment now, back at the Joycave, but it’s a ghost trap and it needs to be set up discreetly, which usually means we have to lure the ghost to our location.”

“So you’re going to lure the ghost to the Joycave?” Will asks.

“No! That would be a disaster,” Daniel exclaims, “if he figures out he can unleash all of the ghosts we’ve ever captured by destroying our storage chamber, it would be chaos. Good thing the chamber is super discreet, looks like a Joygrave travel mug.”

Diordan facepalms, “oh my God, I almost opened that.”

“Didn’t I tell you NOT to touch anything? I said that like 4 or 5 times before-”

“There’s a barn we can use,” Joey interrupts Daniel before the mustachioed man goes on a rant, “we just have to find a way to get them there.”

~~~

“Okay, I’m at the barn now, I’ll go check,” Daniel says, hanging up the phone. Walking up the barn, Daniel hears some faint shuffling behind him, but shrugs it off. He goes inside and the door slams shut immediately.

“You must be brave going places alone, especially this barn where there’s no one else nearby,” Terry Glitter’s familiar voice taunts as Rock & Roll Part 2 plays in the distance, “I have to say, though, I didn’t expect you boys to make friends with vampire hunters, but that’s just a small hiccup in my plans.”

The ghost materializes in front of Daniel, leaning on his pickaxe with a sinister smile. A few bats fly around the two, turning into their vampire forms behind the ghost. Daniel takes a step back, bringing out his Portable Joygrave Ghost Vacuum™.

Terry laughs, “you think that thing can get me.”

“No, but this can,” Daniel replies.

An awkward silence ensues and Terry looks around in confusion.

“I SAID BUT THIS CAN,” Daniel yells, annoyed.

A green beam appears from the back of the room slowly pulling Terry into the ghost trap.

“Destroy that trap!” Terry yells at the vampires.

The door flies open and Diordan leaps at a vampire trying to get to the trap. The rest follow in, armed to the teeth with vampire and ghost hunting gear.

Daniel dodges a vampire lunging at him as Will expertly throws a stake at the vampire. A bookcase flies at Woody, which he manages to escape.

“Paul! The ghost!” Daniel yells as Paul gets out his Joygrave Ghost Power Dampener™ and blasts it at Terry before he sends another piece of furniture flying.

“This ghost kind of looks like Paul,” Kyle says.

Diordan shrugs, “I don’t see it.”

“Just imagine him without the sunglasses.”

“Hmm, I don’t know.”

“No, he definitely doesn’t look like me,” Paul adds.

“See!”

“Hello? There’s a vampire problem here!” Daniel yells as he tries to throw a stake at a vampire getting too close to the trap. Diordan knocks down the vampire, ending them with a quick blow.

“Was that the last vampire?” Joey asks.

“I think so,” Will replies, wiping off sweat from his forehead.

Terry looks like he’s fuming, getting pulled into the trap, “you all will pay for this! I will escape and I’ll bring every ghost with-”

“Oh no! I can’t hear you. We’re breaking up, bye!” Daniel yells as the trap closes.

“Successful hunt wasn’t it?” Woody says, back in his human form, “not as much goo as I expected.”

The group laughs, finally able to breathe a sigh of relief.

“Who wants to burn stuff in the firepit?”

[antichristsxbox]

hawthorne!michael meeting a bad girl that recently started going to hawthorne as well. i dont wanna be rude but she could be a cheerleader like you because we all know michael would go nuts for a cheerleader like that. all love

Summary: This is Hawthorne!Michael meeting a girl who recently transferred to Hawthorne. He’s enticed, but soon realizes she has another boy on her mind. 

From the writer: Hey guys! So, I absolutely love this! Thank you so much for being my very first request. There’s some implied smut near the end, so if you’d like to skip to that part, just scroll down. Feel free to send in more things like this + all love back at ya! Check out the other things I’ve written here: Fiend, Gnarly + update: part two of this fic is here! :) Another update: here’s part three to this fic!

Word count: 1,626

It was nothing more than an empty threat until it finally happened. Your parents finally decided to ship you away to boarding school. They were tired of the house parties and sneaking around past curfew. A place to keep their daughter safe and under strict control was going to be best for her future, they thought.

Fortunately, Hawthorne still had many activities available that you enjoyed doing before you were ‘locked up,’ as you put it. There was a gym, pool, cheer squad, and it’s co-ed, so there might be a few cute boys (although it seems like a nerdy religious school). However, you were soon to find out that most of the student body was comprised of people like you, whose parents grew tired of their ‘immoral’ behavior and wanted their children’s bad influences out of their homes.

Halfway through the first semester, your favorite sport started up— basketball. Which also means this is when the basketball cheer squad comes together. Even though practices are few and far between, games are mostly every Friday night with a few exceptions for Tuesdays and Thursdays. The only downside is games are held late at night, and you end up getting back to your dorm past eleven at night, creeping inside in hopes of not waking your roommate.

A game had run into an extra quarter last night due to the teams being tied at the end of the fourth. You didn’t go to bed until late due to homework, and now you’re stuck in history class running low on sleep but lower on motivation to take careful notes of the boring subject being presented to you.

“Could you share that Google Doc with me?” you ask to the blonde boy at the desk next to you. He’s always been quiet and kept to his own; you don’t even know his name.

“I can make that happen, but I’d like to bargain something,” he turns around and you meet his striking blue eyes. He’s actually very cute, possibly one of the only sevens in this dump. Although, your basketball spirit buddy has been on your radar for a while now.

You learn the boy’s name— Michael— and all he wants in return for access to his notes is your phone number. Not a very subtle guy, apparently. You oblige and enter your contact in his phone as he shares the document with you.

While looking over the notes from class earlier, you get a text from an unrecognized number. It’s Michael, and he wants to know if you’d meet him in the dining hall in a few minutes. You’re hungry, bored, and looking for something entertaining to do. Your game starts at eight, but it’s only five now. You’ll be fine to go and get something quickly before you have to get ready.

“What’s up?” you greet Michael as you sit down at his table. A secluded space in the corner of the dining hall, on the opposite side from where you normally sit. Smalltalk turns into a real conversation, as you learn Michael was sent here by his grandmother who didn’t feel like looking after him anymore. You share your story of your parents sending you here due to your partying and aversion to schoolwork. They were in hopes that Hawthorne could shape you up a bit.

“Look, I have a game I need to get ready for, but it was nice sitting with you,” you say as you pick up your plate and push in your chair.

“What do you play?” he inquires.

“I cheer,” you say with a smile.

Oh. A cheerleader.

Michael is officially enticed now. Any lukewarm feelings he had are now out the window. Cheerleaders are flexible, loud, and fun.

“Good luck,” he replies as he waves goodbye to you.

As you’re on your way back to the dorm rooms, a text from Michael pops on on your phone. It’s nearly midnight, and he’s asking you to come over and ‘talk.’ Unfortunately for him, Kyle had sent that text first, so you were making your way to Kyle’s room because he doesn’t have a roommate (but yours is fast asleep). Michael could get it, but just not now. Your spirit buddy just made the game-winning shot. But, more importantly, you’ve had your eye on him since you got to Hawthorne back in August.

Not even five minutes in to your little escapade with Kyle, and there’s a knock at his door. You quickly run your fingers through your hair and then duck behind his bed to make it appear as if he’s the only one in the room.

After Kyle opens his door, you hear a whack, kind of like a slap, and then a loud thud! That’s pretty weird and scary, you think, but you don’t budge from your hiding spot. Footsteps begin to approach your area of the room, and you have nowhere else to hide anyways.

“Come with me,” Michael says as he steps in front of you and offers a hand for you to stand up.

Unbeknownst to you, Michael’s visions were able to help him see and locate where you were. You had let him borrow a pen in class the other day and he kept it; this is the object he used to gain his vision of where you are.

“You are so creepy! How did you even know where I was? Get out of here!”

You’re pissed. How could Michael even know where Kyle’s room is? This is not okay at all. As you stare Michael down for around a minute, he eventually leaves. Good, you thought. Soon after Michael’s disappearance, Kyle begins to wake back up. He’s confused, but in attempt to bring no harm to Michael, you tell Kyle he had passed out due to exhaustion. Making a game-winning shot like that on top of the already-stressful close game that it was must be stressful, you insist.

Determination is hot. Michael is determined, for sure. It’s difficult to tell if what he did yesterday was more creepy than it was hot, in some messed-up way. Michael could take another man out cold with one punch— all for you.

It wasn’t long before Michael approached your table in attempt to apologize for what he did. But, you were sitting for breakfast with a couple of your friends when he decided to approach you and attempt to start this conversation. He looked more sinister than ever, darker. In addition to his Hawthorne uniform, he was wearing a dark cloak, almost like a cape.

“Look, I’m really sorry for-”

“No.”

You cut him off. Standing up, taking your now-empty bowl of cereal, with your girls following in your footsteps.

“Do you prefer ‘fashion victim’ or ‘ensembly challenged?’” You press your lips together and lock eyes with Michael, but not in a cute way. A look of sadness washes over his face as he turns around and begins to leave, without saying anything.

The weekend went by quickly, and you’ve had time to ponder your verbal altercation with Michael. It may have been a little harsh, and the few times you’ve seen him over the past day, you haven’t seen his sinister cape at all since breakfast on Saturday.

You text him ‘I’m sorry,’ and wait for his response. Not even half a minute later, he forgives you, but asks if you’s like to come to his room and ‘talk,’ again. Honestly, you’re not opposed to this. Michael may be a good ‘talker.’ Without thinking, you’re asking for his room number and you’re on your way.

When he answers the door, he’s dressed-down in a long sleeve, black ‘Hawthorne’ t-shirt and grey sweatpants. The dim light in his room traces his blonde curls and makes his blue eyes appear darker in the reduced light.

“I’m sorry for-”

He cuts you off with a firm kiss. His lips are soft, but his kiss is powerful. He takes your arm and pulls you inside , then shuts the door. They lock from the inside, so nobody could get inside without a key or being let in.

What was once a small kiss has turned to a heavy makeout sesh within minutes. His hair is soft, and he smells of amber and teakwood with a hint of coffee. His mouth tastes minty, but you can’t tell if it’s from you or him as both of you were chewing gum while you were at the door.  

Back against a wall with one of his hands in your hair and the other pressed next to you on the wall. Your arms wrap around his waist and draw him in closer as you raise a leg to pull him closer in addition to your arms. Michael takes kindly to this and uses the hand he had against the wall to take your leg and draw you in. Eventually, both of your legs find their way around his waist, and he carries you to his desk so you could sit comfortably while still in this same position. His arms drop so one of them is in your hair and one hand is on his desk next to you.

Your legs wrap around him firmly as your excitement grows exponentially by the second.

“You should move your arm, Babe,” you say, looking up at him and tightening your hold with your legs.

“Oh, that’s not my arm, Babe,” his revelation leaves you shocked as you look down to learn that his other arm is to the outside of your leg, while his other is still in your hair.

This is going to be fun, you think to yourself as you go back in for another kiss by taking Michael’s shirt and pulling him towards you.

///

Tag list: @langdonsoceaneyes @ms-mead

[are-you-reddie-for-it]

Overboard With You

I recently watched the new Overboard movie and fell in love with it! I have of course, seen the original one. However, I watched it when I was like 14 and I didn’t really remember it. But I thoroughly enjoyed the remake, I myself am Hispanic so it was awesome to see that they involved the Hispanic culture in it while still keeping the story. But thought about Reddie the entire time while watching it so, since they did change the culture and switched the gender roles I felt it appropriate to make an LGBTQ+ version of Overboard, so here is my Overboard!Reddie AU. This fic will be based more roughly on the remake because it’s more modern but will also have some elements of the original one. Also, the only main “OC” characters will be the Kaspbrak children. I wanted to make Eddie’s children some of the Losers but it would’ve made things a little awkward for Stenbrough and Benverly so this was the better solution. Anyway without further ado, enjoy my version of Overboard!Reddie Chapter 1

Breeeep breeeep breeeep breeeep

“Mmm...” a soft groan escaped Eddie Kaspbrak‘s lips

BREEEEP BREEEEP BREEEEP BREEEEP

Eddie’s relaxed face, scrunched as his phone alarm became louder.

BREEEEP BREEEEP BREEEEP BREEEEP

“Ugh” Eddie groaned again “Yeah, yeah I’m up I’m up” he patted around for his phone, turning off the alarm.

Eddie sat up, extending his arms out as he let out a long yawn. He slid out of bed, making his way to the shower. Eddie drowsily slipped his pajamas and undergarments off, turning the shower on.

Lazily slipping into the shower, he yawned once more before realizing the water was freezing “Ah! Ah! Cold cold!” Eddie jumped to the edge of the bathtub escaping the cold water “Cody!” He shouted

“Yeah?” A voice shouted back.

“Why are you up so early?! You don’t have to get up for school for another hour!” Eddie shouted back.

“I really had to pee dad!” Cody shouted again.Eddie sighed and leaned his head against the wall, holding it there until the water returned to its warm state. He then finished his shower, brushed his teeth, combed his hair back and slipped on his work uniform.On his way to the stairs, Eddie walked to his eldest son’s room and softly knocked on the door “Cods, time to get up” he said, slowly opening the door.

In the pale blue room slept a fourteen year-old boy with dark brown untamed curly hair like his father’s. He peacefully slept in his bed until his father spoke to him again.

“Cody, time to get up. You’re going to miss the bus if you don’t get up and get ready.” Eddie said again.The young teen slowly turned around in his bed, facing his father and sighed “Okay dad” he said forcing himself out of bed, heading toward the shower. Eddie smiled softly to himself and closed his son’s door walking downstairs.

He walked into his kitchen, looking around his house, observing the clutter of boxes all around the house. Eddie let out a sigh. Nothing had been the same since his wife Myra died. Eddie and his kids had moved into this new house, one? Two weeks ago? No, it was two months ago. Myra died six months ago and Eddie and his kids had moved from their old house in Augusta, Maine to their new house in Derry, Maine only two months ago.

Myra’s death was hard on all of them, but mostly on Eddie. Eddie wasn’t “in love” with Myra per se but she was his best friend. He grew up with Myra and married her because he pitied her. He did love her...as a friend...But never dreamed of telling her that.

Eddie reached into one of the drawers below the counters of the kitchen and pulled out three brown paper bags. He grabbed a black sharpie that rolled back and forth beside the stack of paper bags. On the three bags he wrote the names Cody, Connor, and Charlotte.

He placed them on the counter and capped the black sharpie, tossing it into the drawer as he closed it with his hip. Eddie walked over to a cabinet by the sink, grabbing a loaf of bread. He made his way to the fridge grabbing a jar of jelly, a packaged bag of ham, and two slices of cheese. He placed all of the items down beside the paper bags then opened a cabinet from above, pulling out a bag of chips. He pulled out a few more items from the kitchen cabinets and drawers and began prepping the kids’ lunches.

Half an hour passed by, and Eddie finally heard the stomping of feet upstairs. First his eldest, Cody came down. He dropped his backpack off at the table and made himself a bowl of cereal as he watched a video on his phone.

Next, his other son Connor, slowly walked down the stairs also making himself a bowl of cereal, with the help of his father.

And finally, his one and only daughter, Charlotte made her way down the stairs. She walked up to her dad and hugged his legs with her small arms “Good morning Daddy” she smiled up at him.

Eddie pat her head softly, he then grabbed her by the arms and picked her up, holding her in his own arms “Good morning light of my life” he kissed her forehead “What do you want for breakfast Sweetheart?” He asked her, sitting her on the counter.“Hmmm” The small blonde haired girl, tapped a finger on her chin thinking of what she wanted to eat. “Eggos!” She finally said.

Eddie smiled and kissed her nose, picking her up and placing her on the ground “Okay baby, go sit down and I’ll get those ready for you” Eddie said walking over to the freezer as his seven year-old skipped to the dining table

.Eddie smiled at her, popping two Eggo waffles into the toaster. He then leaned against the kitchen counter looking at his wrist watch then glanced over at Cody.“You have five minutes until you have to leave Mister, I suggest you put your phone away and finish getting ready for school” Eddie said, placing his hand on his hip.“Ughhhh” Cody groaned, shutting his phone off “Can’t you just drive me to school today dad?” He asked.

Eddie shook his head “No Cods, you know I have to go straight to work after I take the twins to school” Eddie replied.The waffles popped out of the toaster and he took them out, placing them on a plate. Eddie then walked over to the fridge, pulling out whipped cream, syrup, and strawberries.“Why don’t you want to ride the bus anyway? You loved riding the bus at the other house” Eddie asked as he poured a decent amount of syrup on the waffles.

Cody sighed “Because I actually had friends then” he commented.“What and you don’t have friends now?” Eddie asked while he pulled out a knife, cutting the ends off of the strawberries.

“No! You know this”

“What about that kid in your math class? ...Kyle right? I thought you were friends with him”

Cody rolled his eyes “Dad, I told you. I was in math and Kyle asked to borrow my pencil.”

Suddenly his phone alarm went off, telling him it was time to leave for the bus stop “Whatever...it’s not like you listen anyway” he mumbled the last part as he grabbed his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder walking out of the house.

“Bye Cody! Have a good day at school!” Eddie shouted from the kitchen “I love you”

“I love you too” Cody responded back in a monotone voice as he walked out the front door.

Eddie sighed and placed Charlotte’s plate of Eggos in front of her. He placed kisses on both Charlotte and Connor’s heads as they ate breakfast.

______________________________________

“Carter!” A voice rang through a yacht known as ‘The Wet Dream’ owned by The Richard Tozier, son of the third richest man in the world, Wentworth Tozier.

“Yes Richard?” Richie’s steward immediately responded, quickly walking into the room after hearing his boss’s voice.

Richie slowly sat up from his messy bed “Get someone to clean this fucking mess up” he sleepy said referring to his room. He laid back down in bed, with a girl on each side of him.

Carter sighed “Yes sir” he simply said, walking out of the room.

Richie was a player. Not only that, he was a player with Daddy’s money. But surprisingly enough, Richie had a fiancée. A beautiful woman who possessed the name of Vanessa.

Richie turned in bed to his fiancée and kissed her softly “God damn, even when you wake up you’re hot” Richie laughed then he turned to the other girl laying in the bed with them, kissing her as well.Richie did love Vanessa, but he and Vanessa had more of an open relationship. Which meant Richie was always with other girls. Vanessa didn’t mind though, she always had something else on her mind when she was with Richie.

Vanessa stood up “I’m going. I’ve got to go get ready, I have things to do today” she said, starting to walk out of the room.

Richie quickly sat up “Wait, baby...no please stay...you know I get so bored without you here” he begged her to stay.

Vanessa smiled softly and pushed him back down on the bed “We’ve been over this baby...I’ll see you after I get home from shopping with the girls okay?” She said as sweetly as she could muster “Richie baby, can I have some money please?” Vanessa asked kissing down Richie’s chest.

Richie bit his lip, letting out a moan, completely hypnotized by his fiancée “Of course babe” he said reaching over to grab his wallet, pulling out a couple hundred dollars.

Vanessa smiled and kissed Richie’s cheek “Thank you honey, I’ll see you tonight” she said, walking out of the room.

Richie sighed and grabbed the other girl in his bed, starting to kiss her again before falling back asleep.

______________________________________

Eddie had just left his first job, as a pizza guy, and went to his second job, as a carpet cleaner. He had driven to the Derry Pier. Which to him seemed like a weird place for a house.

It wasn’t until he had gotten to the Pier that he realized he was cleaning the carpet to a boat. Eddie grabbed his cleaning supplies out of his car and walked down the long platform the boats had been next to. The smell of the salty air was almost strong enough to send Eddie into a coughing fit, but he didn’t mind it, he thoroughly enjoyed the scent.

Looking around he found a yacht with the name ‘The Wet Dream’ engraved into the back of the yacht. He rolled his eyes at the name “Disgusting...” he mumbled, pulling out his phone.

The phone rang a few times before anyone answered “Hello?” A voice asked.

“Yes hi, hello um...I’m your carpet cleaner...I’m at the pier...but I’m not entirely sure which boat I’m supposed to be cleaning”

A long sigh came from the other side of the line “The yacht is named ‘The Wet Dream’ “ The voice replied in an embarrassed tone.

Eddie sighed himself “Great...” he said quietly “Thanks”. Eddie hung up the phone and hauled his equipment to the yacht, walking in. There he was greeted by Richie’s steward who lead him to the room that needed to be cleaned.

Eddie walked in, jaw dropped to the floor as he looked at the room “This yacht is incredible...” Eddie said aloud “Too bad it has stupid name...who the hell names a yacht ‘The Wet Dream’ anyway?”

“I’m offended you think my yacht’s name is stupid. You’re telling me you have a better, more clever name for it?” A voice was suddenly heard from behind Eddie.

Eddie froze and quickly turned around, facing a bed as a tall figure sat up.Eddie gulped ‘shit...he’s going to fire me now...’ he thought.

The man grabbed a phone that was sitting on his nightstand and quickly dialed a number. “Carter, I’m ready for my Bloody Mary. Yeah. Oh but um most Mary” he said then hung up the phone.

He stood up from his bed, wearing nothing. And Eddie frantically covered his eyes with his hands as the man approached him.

Eddie glanced at up him, not able to keep himself from glancing down at the stranger’s lower torso. He covered his eyes again.“Do you mind??” Eddie asked in an annoyed tone.

“No, not at all. Go ahead and stare. I’m very comfortable in my body” the man teased then realized the carpet cleaner wasn’t catching on.

The man in front of Eddie sighed and turned around grabbing a towel from his bed.

Eddie finally uncovered his eyes and watched the man walk to grab the towel. And while the man’s back was turned towards Eddie, he noticed a tattoo on the man’s right butt cheek. It was a tattoo of the comedy and tragedy masks for theatre.

The man turned back to Eddie “Well now that I’m more...” He looked down at the towel wrapped around his waist “appropriately dressed...” the man stuck out his hand for Eddie to shake “I’m Richard Tozier”

Eddie took Richie’s hand and shook it “I’m Eddie Kasp-“ Eddie started but was cut off by the stranger.

“Wow...you are really attractive for a carpet cleaning boy” Richie started and Eddie stared blankly at him with confusion.

“Although...” Richie put his index finger to his lips “You could maybe do something about your hair.”

Eddie was offended, his brows furrowed and he was about to comment back before he was cut off yet again.

“No...no wait...that’s not it. It’s your face. I mean..it’s good but...a little mediocre. Especially for my taste” Richie commented.

Eddie’s jaw dropped, boy the things he could say to this man to put him in his place. Granted, Richie was extremely attractive, in Eddie’s opinion, it was perhaps his confidence that made him attractive in Eddie’s eyes. Or maybe the dark brown locks that covered his slim face.

Eddie was about to lash back at Richie’s comment before Richie’s steward walked into the room with Richie’s Bloody Mary.

“My apologies Richard, I thought you were already up” Carter apologized.

Richie turned around “God! Finally, it’s about time!” He said, snatching the drink from his steward. He quickly took a sip “Oh! Before you leave. Have Chef Jacob prepare my breakfast and then fire him”

Eddie’s jaw seemed to drop to the floor at Richie’s behavior. Carter of course wasn’t fazed by this.

“Right, of course. But perhaps we should give him a few weeks’ notice? His wife is after all expecting” Carter tried to reason with Richie.

“But his food is so boring. It tastes like nothing” Richie whined.

Carter sighed “Right away sir...” he said before walking out.

As soon as Carter had left, two girls walked into Richie’s room “Hi Richard” one of the girls smiled, pulling him in for a kiss.

Richie smirked “Hello girls”

“We were wondering if you’d like to join us in the jacuzzi?” One of the girls asked, biting down on her bottom lip.

“Well of course!” Richie smiled “Lead the way girls!” he said.

The girls both grabbed Richie by the arms and started pulling him out of the room. Then Richie peeked his head back into the room before leaving.

“Oh, try to hurry. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna need the room soon” Richie said, winking at Eddie.

Eddie rolled his eyes to himself and began cleaning.

______________________________________

Eddie had cleaned most of the rooms in the yacht, there was just one he had yet to clean, which happened to be the lounging area of the boat. He walked up the stairs with his equipment and looked around in awe.

That was until he saw Richie sitting on a lounge chair, tanning in the sun.Eddie rolled his eyes to himself and walked up to Richie “Hey, excuse me. I was told to to clean in here, that’s not going to disturb you is it?” He asked as politely as he could.

Richie lowered his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose and looked at the short man standing beside him “No, not at all. Go ahead” he said.

Eddie nodded and turned to walk away when Richie spoke.“Hmmm...I’m craving something...what could it be?” He said to himself.

Eddie turned back to Richie “Uh...are you talking to me...?” He asked.

“It’s sweet but not to sweet” Richie continued “Is it mango? ...Yeah I’m pretty sure it’s mango” Richie bit the end of his thumb.

Eddie, not receiving a response, decided it was now okay to turn back around.“Oh no no. Wait wait. It’s Papaya!” Richie exclaimed. Eddie turned back to Richie as Richie turned to Eddie in his chair “Is it Papaya?” He asked Eddie.

Eddie stared blankly at Richie “I...would have no way of knowing that” he replied.

Richie chuckled “Oh, right. Of course” he facepalmed. “Would you be a doll and get me a little of both?” He asked.

Eddie’s jaw dropped in disbelief “You know I was just hired to clean the carpets right?” He asked.

“Right. But I don’t see why that should prevent you from getting me a snack” Richie replied rudely.

Eddie dropped his basket of cleaning supplies to the ground, “Correct me if I’m wrong but, don’t you have like, 10,000 other people to do that for you?” He snapped back.“Uh yeah, but you’re right here”

“Okay I’m sorry but I really have to finish up. I have to go pick my kids up from school” Eddie said, starting to turn back around

.Richie scoffed again “Come here” he said standing up, calling Eddie over with his index finger.

Eddie sighed and placed the rest of his equipment down, walking up to Richie, “What?” He asked crossing his arms.

“Perhaps you don’t know who I am.” Richie said with a soft smirk.

“Oh I know exactly who you are” Eddie said putting his hands on his hips, ‘You’re an entitled asshole who needs to let me do my job’ He thought.

“Then why don’t I have my fruit?”

Eddie shrugged “Beats me. But I am not getting it”

Richie laughed “Okay fine, you’re fired” he simply stated, turning away from Eddie.

This time Eddie laughed in disbelief “For not getting you a mango?” He asked

“Or a Papaya” Richie added.

Eddie shook his head still laughing,“You know what? That’s fine. Just pay me and I’ll be on my way” he said walking up to Richie.

Richie smirked and crossed his arms “I’m not paying you”

Eddie felt his blood start to boil, “Look, you hired me to do a job. And I did it! You are paying me” Eddie got in the tall man’s face.

Richie shook his head “Nope” he said pulling his phone out yet again “Captain? Yup we are ready to set sail” was all Richie said before hanging up.

Richie then grabbed Eddie by the cheek and pinched it “Goodbye Eddie Spaghetti” he said in a singsongy voice.

Eddie stood there for a moment before laughing hysterically “You...are a terrible person” Eddie started. “A first-class asshole!” Eddie shouted.

Richie scoffed “You’re no charmer yourself!”

“Oh wow that hurt! I bet you haven’t even worked a day in your sad, miserable life! There are people out there suffering in the world, busting their asses off while you sit here all day fucking around, getting drunk with girls! You’re just a rich prick, living off of your daddy’s money!” Eddie continued as the horn to the boat went off.

Eddie’s eyes widened and he ran to the edge of the boat “No wait! Captain! I’m still on board! Don’t leave yet!” He shouted, but no one could hear him.Suddenly, the yacht started drifting away from the platform. “Shit! No wait!” Eddie shouted again.

Richie chuckled crossing his arms in front of his chest, “I guess your best option is to just jump out” he suggested.

Eddie turned to Richie, steam shooting from his ears “No, I am not going anywhere until you or one of your butlers or bimbos has paid me!” Eddie snapped angrily.

“Fine, next stop, New York” Richie said, walking up to Eddie.

“Fine! I’ll be a pain in your ass until we get there” Eddie crossed his arms.

Richie’s hands and facial expression dropped, “Wow...I guess I didn’t think this through...” he put a hand to his head.

“No, you didn’t” Eddie rolled his eyes

“I cannot believe you’re making me do this...” Richie paused.

Eddie looked at him, waiting for the taller male to finish speaking. But, before he knew it, he was being pushed off Richie’s boat, falling straight into the water.

Richie remained on the boat, laughing down as Eddie’s small body hit the water.

Eddie came up for air, swimming frantically, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?” He shouted. He then came to the realization that his things were still on the boat. “Fuck! My equipment!”

“Oh. Right, right, let me assist you” an evil grin grew on Richie’s lips as he walked over to Eddie’s materials. He grabbed the large vacuum Eddie had been hauling all around the yacht with him. He easily picked it up, aiming it towards the water.

Eddie’s eyes widened “NO NO NO! THAT’S EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE!!!” Eddie shouted.

Richie just laughed before chucking the vacuum into the water, barely missing Eddie.“Oh no, I forgot something” Richie said, quickly running back to where the vacuum had been “Your bucket! Fetch boy!” Richie said, throwing the bucket into the water as well.

Eddie quickly tried grabbing at all his supplies as he struggled to swim. Meanwhile, Richie, still on the boat, laughed aloud “It’s been a pleasure doing business with you!” He shouted and waved as the boat floated off into the distance.

“You fucking asshole! I hate you!” Eddie shouted. Then he sighed trying to calm down as he grabbed at everything he could, swimming back to shore.

[lopithecusfanfiction]

A Life So Changed: Chapter Fifty-Six

Author: Lopithecus Pairing: Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne Rating: Explicit Word Count: 1873 Alternate: AO3, fanfiction.net Author's Note: So, I finally have a full-time job. Which means I’m going to have less time to work on this. I’m going to try my utmost hardest to keep coming out with updates every week, but if I’m a bit slow or a bit late (like I am with this chapter, oops), that’s why. I hope you all can understand. ^_^ (Disclaimer: I didn’t proofread this chapter. I’m too tired to do it right now.) Enjoy!

Chapter Fifty-Six:

Bruce guides Kyle into the Manor, heading towards the kitchen to hopefully give Kyle’s food to Alfred to heat back up. Kyle looks nervous, looking around the rooms warily. Bruce rolls his eyes. “Stop looking like that. Dick is in his room and hasn’t emerged for a week. You won’t run into him.”

“Yeah,” Kyle scoffs. “Famous last words.”

Bruce rolls his eyes again, entering the kitchen only to stop short. There, being pushed against the island, is Jason. He and Roy are currently in a heated kiss, Jason’s leather jacket hanging off one shoulder and Roy’s pants zipper being undone. Bruce blinks, stunned, while Kyle whistles at them.

Startled, Roy pushes away from Jason, Jason chasing after the young alpha’s lips. Jason’s eyes flutter open and he peers over at Bruce and Kyle, smirking. “Hey, Old Man.”

“Jason,” Bruce greets, stepping into the room more, Kyle following along.

Kyle chuckles. “Look at you two.” Roy growls a warning and Kyle holds up placating hands. “Whoa, whoa, I don’t mean any harm by it.”

Jason places a hand on Roy’s shoulder. “Uh, we’ll just take this to my bedroom.”

“Actually,” Roy begins, reaching down to his pants to zip them up. “I was just leaving.”

“Or were you just coming?” Kyle asks with a wide, teasing smirk, earning himself a glare from Roy.

Jason frowns. “You don’t have to go.”

Roy turns to Jason. “I think it’s best if I do.” With that, Roy exits the room, pushing past Bruce and Kyle.

Jason sighs and hops onto the island. “You two have perfect timing.”

Kyle is chuckling as he walks up to the alpha, giving Jason’s shoulder a few comforting pets. “Sorry, Jason, but next time, I suggest you start in the bedroom instead of where everyone eats.”

Jason scowls at the beta, getting down off the counter, pushing Kyle aside. “Shut up, asshole.” Jason stomps out of the room, giving Bruce an annoyed look. “We’ll talk later,” he says as he passes. Jason then disappears.

Kyle turns to Bruce. “Please tell me you saw that coming.”

Bruce sits down at the table, his head feeling a bit light and painful still. “I wasn’t sure what to expect from those two.”

“But you knew something was going on, right?” Kyle asks curiously, jumping up to sit on the island, legs swinging. The beta sets the bag of food down beside him.

Bruce sighs tiredly. “I was aware of some of the things happening.” Kyle looks at him hopefully. “That’s all I am going to say about it.”

Kyle groans in disappointment. “Fine, be your secretive self.”

“It’s not being secretive. It’s protecting my son’s privacy,” Bruce explains and Kyle sighs.

“Alright, whatever,” the beta comments. Kyle places a hand on the bag. “So, what are we going to do with this?”

“I am assuming that within that bag is food that I need to heat up,” Alfred says as he walks into the room.

“Yes, Alfred, thank you,” Bruce answers.

Kyle is looking at the butler with wide eyes. “How’d you know? Are you really psychic like Wally believes you to be?”

With a straight face, Alfred responds after a second of thinking about it, “Why, yes I am.”

Kyle’s eyes widen even more and Bruce can see the beta’s lips pulling up. Bruce sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. He can already feel his head starting to hurt worse again. “Kyle, he could smell the food.”

Kyle looks at Bruce as if disappointed. Alfred is smirking behind the beta as the butler grabs for the bag. “Then why…” Kyle crosses his arms. “You two think you are just so funny, don’t you?”

“What are you talking about?” Bruce’s hand falls to the table and his head whips to the doorway where Dick is standing. “Alfred is where Bruce learned his dry sense of humor from.”

The room goes completely silent beside Alfred digging through the bag, muttering something about how unhealthy the meal is and how now he has to replicate it in order to make enough for everyone. Kyle’s jaw clenches but to Bruce’s relief, the beta doesn’t say anything. Dick looks around the room nervously, taking a hesitant step in.

“Wow, tough crowd,” Dick mumble, going to a pantry to pull out a box of cereal. Kyle is staring at the floor with hard eyes.

“Sir, supper will be ready shortly,” Alfred tells Dick who has now gotten a bowl and some milk.

Dick starts making up his cereal. “I’ll still be hungry, you know that Alfred.” Kyle’s hands are balled up into tight fists. Dick smells the air and looks at the food Kyle brought. “That smells good. What is it?”

“It’s from a small diner in Keystone,” Kyle remarks, brows furrowing in irritation.

“Oh?” Dick dunks a spoon into the bowl. “Keystone, huh? Were… were you there to see Wally?”

Kyle purses his lips and then slides down off the counter, turning around to peer at Dick. “Yeah, I was.”

Dick leans against the counter, idly eating his cereal. “How was he?”

Kyle shrugs. “You know, he’s doing well, considering the circumstances.” Dick nods and Kyle licks his lips. “But you would know that if you checked in on him once in a while.”

Dick’s head snaps up, eyes meeting Kyle’s. The beta straightens away from the counter. “What the hell is that supposed to me?”

“It means exactly as I said it,” Kyle retorts, tone not quite showing how annoyed the beta is but on the verge of letting it all show.

This time, Dick shrugs, putting a spoonful of cereal in his mouth. “Wally doesn’t want to see me. Trust me, I tried.”

“Right.” Kyle’s hands are fists again and Bruce stands. If this gets too intense, he might have to step in. “Because you broke his heart.”

Dick’s lips thin and the beta’s hand that is holding the spoon lands on the counter with a loud thud. “Why does everyone keep blaming me? I can’t control my feelings, Kyle. I can’t just force myself to love someone back just because they love me.”

Kyle wipes a hand down his face. “Yeah, that’s why you slept with him right?” Dick’s eyes narrow. “That’s why you got him pregnant right?”

“That was an accident,” Dick says.

Kyle continues, visibly getting angrier and angrier. “An accident? You should have known, that even if you’re a beta, there was still a possibly of getting Wally pregnant if he wasn’t on birth control or there wasn’t any other protection used.” Dick’s face turns a bright red and he can’t meet Kyle’s eyes. “Yeah, that’s right. Wally told me about how you neglected to have enough birth control with you and that you opted to just not use any. Brilliant idea, Dick.” Kyle huffs a humorless laugh. “And then you decide to treat Wally like shit after, completely blowing him off after he confessed his feeling towards you. You know, you really fit your name, Dick.”

Dick’s head snaps to Kyle, face now red with anger instead of embarrassment. “What’s it to you anyway?” he shouts. “This whole thing has nothing to do with you? Why don’t you stay the hell out of mine and Wally’s business. This is between me and him. Back the fuck off, Kyle.”

“Why you-” Kyle starts but is interrupted.

“Both of you knock it off,” Alfred orders, slapping both the beta’s wrists with the wooden spoon he had been stirring with. “There will be no more fighting in this kitchen!”

“Fine, let’s move to another room,” Dick growls and Kyle growls back at him, showing teeth.

“No,” Bruce says, finally stepping in. “That’s enough, both of you. I’m tired of all the arguing.” No one says anything so Bruce continues. “Dick, after you’re done with that bowl, go on patrol. You haven’t been all week and you need to start getting out there again.”

Dick glares at Kyle for another second before he picks up his bowl of cereal. “Fine,” he mutters, walking away and out of the room.

Bruce sighs and plops back down into the chair, once again pinching the bridge of his nose. When he opens his eyes, he sees both Alfred and Kyle staring at him. “What?”

“Are you okay, Sir?” Alfred asks.

“You’re looking a little pale,” Kyle adds, running a hand through his hair.

“M’fine,” Bruce answers, hoping they will just believe him.

It seems to work, for now, because neither say any more about how Bruce is looking and instead, Kyle sits down across from him. “I’m sorry,” the beta starts. “I let my temper get to me. I shouldn’t have argued with Dick like that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Bruce agrees. He eyes Kyle, who has his eyes downcast, looking at the table. “I’m not going to throw you out for it though. You’re still welcome to stay for supper.”

Kyle’s eyes hesitantly raise to Bruce’s. “Really?” Bruce nods once. “Thank you, Bruce.”

“It’s partially my fault you got into the argument with Dick anyway.” One of Kyle’s eyebrows rises in question at Bruce’s statement. “I shouldn’t have assumed Dick would stay in his room the whole time you were here.”

Kyle’s lips are partially parted in amazement. “Since when does Batman apologize?”

Bruce huffs a laugh and places a gentle hand on his protruding belly. Kyle’s eyes follow it. “Since he got pregnant.”

Kyle is smiling warmly at him, head rested in one hand and elbow perched on the table. “You’re so lucky.” Bruce looks at the beta in question and Kyle explains. “You get to have a baby with someone you love.”

“It’ll happen to you too, someday, Kyle, if that’s what you want,” Bruce says.

Kyle frowns, looking at the table top again. “I’m not so sure about that.”

“Kyle.” Bruce waits until the beta is looking at him again. “Give Wally time.”

“Even with time, Bruce, there’s no guarantee Wally would like me like that,” Kyle states. “After all, how long have Wally and I been friends and he hasn’t liked me yet. Instead, he fell in love with Dick, his other best friend.”

Bruce takes a deep breath. “I thought the same of Clark but here we are.” He places his hand on his stomach again.

Kyle gives him a sad smile. “You two are different. You’re Superman and Batman.”

“That makes us different?” Bruce asks.

Kyle shrugs. “Of course, it does.” Kyle doesn’t elaborate and Bruce doesn’t ask him to.

Instead, Bruce stands and rubs a hand down his face. His head is definitely hurting more again and he needs to try and get the pain to go away before dinner. “Kyle, make yourself at home. Alfred will let you know when supper is ready. I’m going to go lie down for a bit. Our little adventure has exhausted me.”

Kyle nods and stands as well, reaching out for Bruce’s arm but stopping short of touching him. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Bruce can see Alfred perk up from his peripheral. “I’m certain of it, Kyle. There’s no need to worry.”

Bruce turns and begins to make the trek to his room, hoping deep down that that statement is true.

A/N: Ugh, I’m sorry this chapter is so short and lackluster but I’ve caught a cold and I am sooooo tired right now.

But, I promise I will try really hard to get a flow going alongside this new job that I have now in order to not be so late next time.

Again, I’m really really sorry! I feel so bad about posting this so late!! 😫

Thank you for reading!!

[abalonetea]

Ayy For the ship meme, you should do YOUR favorite pairing! ❤

You spoil me so much! Ugh, I can’t believe I got such a lovely ask for this! I actually have a lot of favorite ships, so I decided to be really self-indulgent and pick my top three favorites, if that’s okay? This ask is spoiling me so much right now ~

Stan/Jimmy is the literal cutest thing I have ever come up with, and I have so many thoughts on these darling boys

o Who is the restless sleeper? I wouldn’t call Stan restless, per say. He sleeps best if he’s got someone else in the bed with him, but it’s more of a comfort thing than anything else.o o Who eats cereal for dinner? Stan will. He eats basically anything that he finds in the cabinets, or leftovers that Cartman drops off.o o Who wears odd socks? Jimmy has a huge freakin’ collection of novelty socks. He has fuzzy socks, socks with designs on them, socks that light-up. Basically he just loves novelry socks and he has an entire drawer filled up with them.o o Who reads more? Neither of them are particularly big readers. o o Who prefers a bath over a shower? Stan takes bath sometimes, but they’re honestly both shower people. o o Who can knit? Neither of them.o o Who has the weirder laugh? Stan has a really deep, kind of rolling sort of laugh but it takes a lot of work to get it out of him. Jimmy’s is kind of stuttering, and a little lower pitched.o o Who gets more jealous? Neither of them are very jealous people, though Stan gets embarrassed far, far more often. o o Who sleeps with a teddy bear? Ah, neither of them. Like I said, though, Stan does sleep better if he’s got someone else in the bed with him.o o Who still uses internet explorer? Stan does. Jimmy likes Firefox, unfortunately. o o Who is the most sentimental? One of the trickier questions on this list, I think. Jimmy is a very thoughtful, sweet person. He doesn’t mind going super slow with everything and being ore lowkey, because he knows that’s what makes Stan the most comfortable. Stan tries very hard to be more openly affectionate, and he keeps basically any gift that Jimmy gives him.o o Who can play an instrument? Stan knows how to play the guitar, but he doesn’t do it very often anymore.o o Who has the worst sense of direction? Stan gets lost a lot if they have to go into the city for anything, but he’s pretty good out in the forest around Stark’s Pond.o o Who cooks breakfast? Sometimes Jimmy gets up and turns on the coffee pot. Does that count?o o Who is the early riser? Jimmy gets up earlier than Stan, but I still wouldn’t call him an earlier riser.

Ike/Wendy, because they go together surprisingly well

o Who is the restless sleeper? Ike still gets nightmares a lot. He also has a hard time getting his mind to turn off, and tends to roll around in the bed a lot. It takes him forever to get to sleep.o o Who eats cereal for dinner? Ike will eat anything that is sat down in front of him, and only makes himself food that requires a very minimal amount of work. He would live off of cereal and ramen noodles, if you let him. o o Who wears odd socks? Ike likes really bright neon colored socks, and will frequently walk through the house in mismatched neon socks and his boxers.o o Who reads more? Actually, Ike does a lot of reading. He likes really stupid books like “Captain Underpants” and “Where The Sidewalk Ends”, but he’s also read all of Kyle’s books. Loves anything by Roald Dahl. Meanwhile, Wendy is very, very picky about what she reads, which sort of limits her options. o o Who prefers a bath over a shower? I feel like I’ve used Ike for every answer so far, lmao, but also Ike? He loves using those stupidly massive bath bombs that change the color of the water.o o Who can knit? Neither of them can knit, but Wendy knows how to cross-stitch and embroider! She likes doing it whenever they lose power, or if they’re having a bad snowstorm and she gets snowed into her house. Mostly, she does flowers or small forest animals.o o Who has the weirder laugh? Laughs are so hard to describe, but I feel like it’s also just such an important character trait to have down. Wendy has a very loud laugh when she finds something honestly funny, and sometimes she laughs hard enough that she starts snorting. Ike gets kind of breathless when he laughs.o o Who gets more jealous? Neither of them are particularly jealous. Ike is very upfront when he starts the relationship about how, while he honestly wants to date Wendy, he still very much would like to sleep around.  It bothers Bebe more than it bothers Wendy, honestly. o o Who sleeps with a teddy bear? Ike has a really old, well worn stuffed cat that he keeps on his bed. Does that count?o o Who still uses internet explorer? Ike does it on purpose, because he knows that it pisses Kyle off. o o Who is the most sentimental? Ike likes to pretend he’s a hotshot, but he’s a big fucking goof. Loves to bring Wendy flowers and pick up little, stupid things that he finds at the store that make Ike think of her. o o Who can play an instrument? Ike is an expert when it comes to playing classic piano. His absolute favorite is Sergei Rachmaninoff. Recently he’s gotten involved with a music program out in Peach Creek that rents out the local amphitheater once a month, and he goes out there with a bunch of other kids to put on mini-concerto’s. o o Who has the worst sense of direction? Please never let Ike go out into the woods on his own. He will never be able to find his way home.o o Who cooks breakfast? Ike tried to cook eggs once and burnt them so badly that they had to throw out the entire pan.o o Who is the early riser? Wendy likes to watch the sunrise. She always feels like she’s wasted the day if she sleeps in too late.

Kenny/Cartman, my forever OTP

o Who is the restless sleeper? Cartman has a very hard time staying asleep. He’s prone to nightmares and muscle aches. That being said, Kenny often has a hard time getting to sleep. They tend to sit up really late together watching re-runs of The Duchess and then if Kenny still can’t get to sleep, Cartman will either read him stories (from a well-worn collection of fairy tales) or he just makes stories up to tell Kenny.o o Who eats cereal for dinner? Neither of them do, because Cartman works very hard to make sure that there is always something really yummy in the fridge for whenever Kenny comes over. Sometimes if Kenny has to work that evening, Cartman will come by the gas station with a packed dinner.o o Who wears odd socks? Kenny has a ton of old socks that don’t match.o o Who reads more? Neither of them are really big readers, honestly. Like I said, Cartman will read stories to Kenny if he can’t sleep, or to Karen if she’s over for the evening.o o Who prefers a bath over a shower? Cartman likes to take hot baths. He uses nice smelling bubble bath mostly. Kenny likes taking showers the most, and sometimes Cartman will get a shower with Kenny and then get a bath afterwards, if his knee is still hurting. o o Who can knit? Lianne taught Cartman when he was younger, but he doesn’t do it very often. He once made some new doll clothes for Karen, back when they were younger! Sometimes he’ll make a scarf if he’s really bored or really stressed, and he usually gives them to his friends and passes them off as “shit from his grandmother”. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all own at least one.o o Who has the weirder laugh? Cartman has kind of this deep, bellow-y sort of laugh but I don’t know if you would count it as weird. Kenny always squints up his eyes when he laughs.o o Who gets more jealous? Ah, the question of the ages. Cartman and Kenny spent a very long time working things out when they first got together. They have a partially open relationship – Kenny can sleep around with basically whoever, as long as Cartman is the only one that he dates. And, uh, Cartman’s good with that because? Frankly, I picture him as being panromantic and heterosexual, so while he loves Kenny very, very much he’s also not interested in sleeping with him.   I’m rambling, sorry. Pulling myself back onto the topic, Cartman really mostly gets jealous when it comes to Kenny hanging out with their friends, or other very minor things. He also gets very jealous over who Stan hangs out with because??? Stan’s one of his best friends, okay, and he doesn’t have a whole lot of friends.   It all stems from Cartman being very insecure and slightly concerned that they’re going to find someone better to be friends with.o o Who sleeps with a teddy bear? Cartman, hands down.o o Who still uses internet explorer? They both use internet explorerer.o o Who is the most sentimental? They’re both super sentimental softies at heart, though Kenny is much more open about it. Sometimes Kenny is still taken off guard when Cartman is openly earnest about something.o o Who can play an instrument? Kenny can sing opera really well. Does that count?o o Who has the worst sense of direction? Cartman couldn’t find his way out of a cardboard box. He still gets lost in the woods out by Stark’s Pond.o o Who cooks breakfast? Cartman cooks most every meal. He loves cooking and is really super good at it!o o Who is the early riser? Kenny is always the first one up, but then he lays in the bed and does jack-shit until Cartman gets up, too.This got really long, I’m sorry! Thank you so much for the ask!

[flauntpage]

I Got Stoned in Vegas and Placed a Bunch of Silly Sports Bets

On Tuesday, the Vegas Golden Knights won their first home game in franchise history, 5-2 against the Arizona Coyotes. The Knights' second game wasn't until Friday, leaving me an extra day in Las Vegas to get in trouble. In the interest of creating content and winning thousands of dollars, I finally did the most VICE thing possible—I partook in marijuana and documented my attempt to turn $150 into $3,100, the exact amount I require to retire.

I chronicled my Thursday night as best I could. (All times Pacific)

3:00 PM — I head to the Westgate Superbook. I imagine this room is what heaven looks like. Westgate boasts the most prop bets in Vegas, and the plan is to do a six-team parlay for $50 and 10 silly prop bets for $10 each. Unfortunately, the only games with prop bets are the Eagles-Panthers game and Game 5 of Cubs-Nationals but there are enough things to blow money on.

The parlay pays $3,000; the props are $100, give or take a few bucks. I'm going to be rich but I promise not to get all power-hungry once I'm a wealthy gambling magnate.

3:30 PM — Bets are placed. In the interest of drama, I won't reveal the actual bets, just the games I bet on.

3:45 PM — I walk to Essence, a marijuana dispensary. I imagine this room is what heaven smells like. I buy a gram of the Ghost Train Haze, a sativa that offers a lucid high with notes of lemon zest. I spark it up behind the building in a marijuana pipe made from the mahogany of Jimi Hendrix's guitar from Woodstock.

OK, fine. I bought an $11 Reese's Pieces cereal bar.

4:00 PM — I try to get a Lyft from the dispensary to Caesars Palace but they only pick up in casino parking lots, so I walk over to Stratosphere carrying this giant white envelope with my hardcore weed drugs inside. I think to myself, "Doesn't this white envelope signal to people that I'm carrying drugs so they should kick my ass and take them?"

4:15 PM — My Lyft driver informs me, unprompted, that people get their asses kicked all the time because they're walking with a giant white envelope that everyone knows has weed in it.

4:18 PM — We nearly die in the car because some other person swerves. I realize that if that was the moment I died, with an uneaten marijuana cereal bar in one hand and a bus with Brad Garrett's face resting on my crushed body, that would have been a really funny way to go.

4:25 PM — I take my drugs into the bathroom at Caesars. I'm pretty sure I can just open this giant envelope in the lobby and eat my drugs, but I'm pre-paranoid. So I sit on the toilet, crack the envelope (that's not a euphemism for farting), rip open the bag (again, not a euphemism), and stuff my face with drugs. It's less a cereal bar and more just individual Reese's Pieces cereal bites, and one falls out of my hand and onto the bathroom floor.

4:26 PM — I stare at the fallen piece.

4:26 PM — I consider eating it.

4:26 PM — "Don't drugs cancel out germs?"

4:27 PM — I decide to cut my losses and throw away the fallen piece of drugs.

4:30 PM — Penguins at Lightning and Blues at Panthers are underway. Riches are not far behind.

5:00 PM — After eating a chicken Caesar salad, the thing that passes as healthy when it's Day 3 in Vegas even though it's probably worse for you than a cheeseburger, I decide to sit in the poker room, play cards and watch sports. The poker room is right next to the sports book so there's a good energy. Cubs-Nationals is about to start.

5:10 PM — I'm very aware of the fact I am not high yet.

5:15 PM — Lightning are up 1-0.

5:17 PM — I mean, I asked the woman behind the counter if I needed to buy a second weed bar and she insisted this would be enough. I'm worried I wasted money.

5:18 PM — Are anyone else's teeth vibrating? Why is my face so warm all of a sudden? God, have you ever just run your hands over a felt table? It's incredible. Why is everyone at the poker table staring at me? What? Do they know I'm high? Is it illegal to be high? Just be cool, be cool... oh, there are cards in front of me and it's my turn to act.

5:30 PM — Eagles-Panthers has begun. I can no longer focus on cards.

5:42 PM — That jerk who kicked that 80-yard FG against the Giants opens the scoring against the Panthers, giving me my first victory of the night. At +142, I've already got $24.20 back in my pocket. I'm going to win enough money to buy VICE Sports and turn it into an Eli Manning fan site. Prepare to lose your stake in the company, Shane Smith! I'm going to be your boss!

5:43 PM — Lightning are still up 1 and the Panthers are leading the Blues 1-0.

5:45 PM — Bryce Harper and Kris Bryant are both 0-for-1, so my total bases prop bet is even. I've got Bryant so I feel pretty good.

5:49 PM — Daniel Murphy homers. The casino is rocking. I'm indifferent.

5:55 PM — Michael Taylor hits a three-run homer off Kyle Hendricks, who earlier that day I said was, "the most underrated pitcher in baseball."

5:59 PM — Lightning still winning, Panthers still winning, Wild-Blackhawks has started and is scoreless.

6:08 PM — Bryant doubles. That's two total bases for me. Suck it, Bryce Harper!

6:10 PM — After revisiting my betting slips, I realize that my prop bet is actually Bryant vs. Murphy, so I'm losing 4-2. I'm not handling my buzz very well.

6:21 PM — Gio Gonzalez strikes out Jason Heyward for his fifth K of the game. I bet the under on his Ks for the game, which was four, so there's $10 I'll never see again. Heyward almost single-handedly lost this bet for me.

6:45 PM — Panthers are now up 4-1 on the Blues. I have now added alcohol to this evening. I'm also playing in a two-table poker tournament I was told would have 45-50 entrants and am not happy about it. I'm gambling angry and distracted by all the sports. I can also feel the inside of my tongue. Everything is pretty great actually.

7:02 PM — There is a lot of passion in the room and people are truly appreciating the tense moments in this Cubs-Nationals game and showing respect for athletes at the peak of their lives.

7:03 PM — "Eat fucking shit, Max Scherzer!" some dork in a tracksuit screams at the TV as he gives up the lead to the Cubs. He probably had $9 on the under or something.

7:04 PM — I'm pretty sure I saw the Cash Cab guy in the stands. I can't believe how high I am. I'm bad at this.

7:10 PM — Panthers are up 5-1.

7:15 PM — I notice the Cubs and Nationals have combined for 28 runs/hits/errors in like the sixth inning, so that's another prop bet win on the over 24 runs/hits/errors. That's another $19.10 coming back to me for a total of $43.30. I'm so rich. I will host VICE News on HBO. I'm going to run this place.

7:24 PM — Lightning win. That gets me 1/6th of the way to the parlay. I've got this. I know it.

7:25 PM — The Blues lose to the Panthers and the parlay is dead. It is at this time I'd like to apologize to everyone at VICE, especially Shane Smith, about threatening to buy the company and transforming it into an Eli Manning fan site. That was irresponsible of me and should never have happened. VICE does great work and I'm glad to be part of it in this small capacity.

7:36 PM — I am now out of the tournament. Turns out the guy I knew was bluffing was not. All I have left at this time are the prop bets.

7:49 PM — Kelvin Benjamin gets to over 55 yards, another win for me.

8:00 PM — I've left Caesars to go to Aria, because for some reason I have this uncontrollable urge for pizza and that casino has the best casino pizza in the world. I just don't get why I want pizza so badly or why it feels so weird when I run my teeth over my tongue.

8:30 PM — In the interest of time, here are the results of my other prop bets:

LOSSES Panthers -10.5 over the Eagles (not even close!) That Bryant vs. Murphy total bases bet (stupid Bryant)

WINS Cam Newton under 1.5 touchdown passes Carson Wentz under 251.5 passing yards

PUSH Eagles-Panthers 5 sacks total

PARLAY WINS Lightning over Penguins Wild over Blackhawks Cubs over Nationals Eagles-Panthers Over 44

PARLAY LOSSES Stupid dumbass overrated Blues Stupid dumbass overrated Panthers

DRUG WINS Me

When this adventure began, I handed $150 to a teller at Westgate. When it ends, I cash $125 in prop tickets, so that's a loss of $25 on that stupid adventure that could have made me CEO of VICE.

Although, while I was playing poker at Caesars, I won $150 playing cash and lost $125 on the dumb tournament, which means after six hours of gambling, I finished...

Even.

Well, the weed bar cost $11, but I feel like I came out ahead on that.

I Got Stoned in Vegas and Placed a Bunch of Silly Sports Bets published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[amtushinfosolutionspage]

I Got Stoned in Vegas and Placed a Bunch of Silly Sports Bets

On Tuesday, the Vegas Golden Knights won their first home game in franchise history, 5-2 against the Arizona Coyotes. The Knights’ second game wasn’t until Friday, leaving me an extra day in Las Vegas to get in trouble. In the interest of creating content and winning thousands of dollars, I finally did the most VICE thing possible—I partook in marijuana and documented my attempt to turn $150 into $3,100, the exact amount I require to retire.

I chronicled my Thursday night as best I could. (All times Pacific)

3:00 PM — I head to the Westgate Superbook. I imagine this room is what heaven looks like. Westgate boasts the most prop bets in Vegas, and the plan is to do a six-team parlay for $50 and 10 silly prop bets for $10 each. Unfortunately, the only games with prop bets are the Eagles-Panthers game and Game 5 of Cubs-Nationals but there are enough things to blow money on.

The parlay pays $3,000; the props are $100, give or take a few bucks. I’m going to be rich but I promise not to get all power-hungry once I’m a wealthy gambling magnate.

3:30 PM — Bets are placed. In the interest of drama, I won’t reveal the actual bets, just the games I bet on.

3:45 PM — I walk to Essence, a marijuana dispensary. I imagine this room is what heaven smells like. I buy a gram of the Ghost Train Haze, a sativa that offers a lucid high with notes of lemon zest. I spark it up behind the building in a marijuana pipe made from the mahogany of Jimi Hendrix’s guitar from Woodstock.

OK, fine. I bought an $11 Reese’s Pieces cereal bar.

4:00 PM — I try to get a Lyft from the dispensary to Caesars Palace but they only pick up in casino parking lots, so I walk over to Stratosphere carrying this giant white envelope with my hardcore weed drugs inside. I think to myself, “Doesn’t this white envelope signal to people that I’m carrying drugs so they should kick my ass and take them?”

4:15 PM — My Lyft driver informs me, unprompted, that people get their asses kicked all the time because they’re walking with a giant white envelope that everyone knows has weed in it.

4:18 PM — We nearly die in the car because some other person swerves. I realize that if that was the moment I died, with an uneaten marijuana cereal bar in one hand and a bus with Brad Garrett’s face resting on my crushed body, that would have been a really funny way to go.

4:25 PM — I take my drugs into the bathroom at Caesars. I’m pretty sure I can just open this giant envelope in the lobby and eat my drugs, but I’m pre-paranoid. So I sit on the toilet, crack the envelope (that’s not a euphemism for farting), rip open the bag (again, not a euphemism), and stuff my face with drugs. It’s less a cereal bar and more just individual Reese’s Pieces cereal bites, and one falls out of my hand and onto the bathroom floor.

4:26 PM — I stare at the fallen piece.

4:26 PM — I consider eating it.

4:26 PM — “Don’t drugs cancel out germs?”

4:27 PM — I decide to cut my losses and throw away the fallen piece of drugs.

4:30 PM — Penguins at Lightning and Blues at Panthers are underway. Riches are not far behind.

5:00 PM — After eating a chicken Caesar salad, the thing that passes as healthy when it’s Day 3 in Vegas even though it’s probably worse for you than a cheeseburger, I decide to sit in the poker room, play cards and watch sports. The poker room is right next to the sports book so there’s a good energy. Cubs-Nationals is about to start.

5:10 PM — I’m very aware of the fact I am not high yet.

5:15 PM — Lightning are up 1-0.

5:17 PM — I mean, I asked the woman behind the counter if I needed to buy a second weed bar and she insisted this would be enough. I’m worried I wasted money.

5:18 PM — Are anyone else’s teeth vibrating? Why is my face so warm all of a sudden? God, have you ever just run your hands over a felt table? It’s incredible. Why is everyone at the poker table staring at me? What? Do they know I’m high? Is it illegal to be high? Just be cool, be cool… oh, there are cards in front of me and it’s my turn to act.

5:30 PM — Eagles-Panthers has begun. I can no longer focus on cards.

5:42 PM — That jerk who kicked that 80-yard FG against the Giants opens the scoring against the Panthers, giving me my first victory of the night. At +142, I’ve already got $24.20 back in my pocket. I’m going to win enough money to buy VICE Sports and turn it into an Eli Manning fan site. Prepare to lose your stake in the company, Shane Smith! I’m going to be your boss!

5:43 PM — Lightning are still up 1 and the Panthers are leading the Blues 1-0.

5:45 PM — Bryce Harper and Kris Bryant are both 0-for-1, so my total bases prop bet is even. I’ve got Bryant so I feel pretty good.

5:49 PM — Daniel Murphy homers. The casino is rocking. I’m indifferent.

5:55 PM — Michael Taylor hits a three-run homer off Kyle Hendricks, who earlier that day I said was, “the most underrated pitcher in baseball.”

5:59 PM — Lightning still winning, Panthers still winning, Wild-Blackhawks has started and is scoreless.

6:08 PM — Bryant doubles. That’s two total bases for me. Suck it, Bryce Harper!

6:10 PM — After revisiting my betting slips, I realize that my prop bet is actually Bryant vs. Murphy, so I’m losing 4-2. I’m not handling my buzz very well.

6:21 PM — Gio Gonzalez strikes out Jason Heyward for his fifth K of the game. I bet the under on his Ks for the game, which was four, so there’s $10 I’ll never see again. Heyward almost single-handedly lost this bet for me.

6:45 PM — Panthers are now up 4-1 on the Blues. I have now added alcohol to this evening. I’m also playing in a two-table poker tournament I was told would have 45-50 entrants and am not happy about it. I’m gambling angry and distracted by all the sports. I can also feel the inside of my tongue. Everything is pretty great actually.

7:02 PM — There is a lot of passion in the room and people are truly appreciating the tense moments in this Cubs-Nationals game and showing respect for athletes at the peak of their lives.

7:03 PM — “Eat fucking shit, Max Scherzer!” some dork in a tracksuit screams at the TV as he gives up the lead to the Cubs. He probably had $9 on the under or something.

7:04 PM — I’m pretty sure I saw the Cash Cab guy in the stands. I can’t believe how high I am. I’m bad at this.

7:10 PM — Panthers are up 5-1.

7:15 PM — I notice the Cubs and Nationals have combined for 28 runs/hits/errors in like the sixth inning, so that’s another prop bet win on the over 24 runs/hits/errors. That’s another $19.10 coming back to me for a total of $43.30. I’m so rich. I will host VICE News on HBO. I’m going to run this place.

7:24 PM — Lightning win. That gets me 1/6th of the way to the parlay. I’ve got this. I know it.

7:25 PM — The Blues lose to the Panthers and the parlay is dead. It is at this time I’d like to apologize to everyone at VICE, especially Shane Smith, about threatening to buy the company and transforming it into an Eli Manning fan site. That was irresponsible of me and should never have happened. VICE does great work and I’m glad to be part of it in this small capacity.

7:36 PM — I am now out of the tournament. Turns out the guy I knew was bluffing was not. All I have left at this time are the prop bets.

7:49 PM — Kelvin Benjamin gets to over 55 yards, another win for me.

8:00 PM — I’ve left Caesars to go to Aria, because for some reason I have this uncontrollable urge for pizza and that casino has the best casino pizza in the world. I just don’t get why I want pizza so badly or why it feels so weird when I run my teeth over my tongue.

8:30 PM — In the interest of time, here are the results of my other prop bets:

LOSSES Panthers -10.5 over the Eagles (not even close!) That Bryant vs. Murphy total bases bet (stupid Bryant)

WINS Cam Newton under 1.5 touchdown passes Carson Wentz under 251.5 passing yards

PUSH Eagles-Panthers 5 sacks total

PARLAY WINS Lightning over Penguins Wild over Blackhawks Cubs over Nationals Eagles-Panthers Over 44

PARLAY LOSSES Stupid dumbass overrated Blues Stupid dumbass overrated Panthers

DRUG WINS Me

When this adventure began, I handed $150 to a teller at Westgate. When it ends, I cash $125 in prop tickets, so that’s a loss of $25 on that stupid adventure that could have made me CEO of VICE.

Although, while I was playing poker at Caesars, I won $150 playing cash and lost $125 on the dumb tournament, which means after six hours of gambling, I finished…

Even.

Well, the weed bar cost $11, but I feel like I came out ahead on that.

I Got Stoned in Vegas and Placed a Bunch of Silly Sports Bets syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

[abalonetea]

Kyman? :o

Hi, anon! Thank you very much for the request! I’ve never put too much thought into this pairing before, so the answers were a bit tricky for me. I hope that they work for you!

o Who is the restless sleeper? Cartman has a very hard time sleeping. He’s prone to nightmares and muscle aches. They’re both lowkey afraid of the dark and keep nightlights on, so Cartman will sometimes sit up in bed on his phone.o o Who eats cereal for dinner? Kyle does, mostly when he’s feeling super lazy, or when he’s got a hankering for something sweet.o o Who wears odd socks? Kyle puts very little effort into making his clothes match.o o Who reads more? Hahaha, again, this one goes to Kyle! He likes really large novels, either intellectual based spirituality books or novels like Watership Down.o o Who prefers a bath over a shower? Cartman likes to take hot baths. He uses nice smelling bubble bath mostly, but Kyle likes to get him lavender scented Epsom salts at the store, so sometimes Cartman will use those, too.o o Who can knit? Lianne taught Cartman when he was younger, but he doesn’t do it very often. He once made some new doll clothes for Karen, back when they were younger! Sometimes he’ll make a scarf if he’s really bored or really stressed, and he usually gives them to his friends and passes them off as “shit from his grandmother”. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all own at least one.o o Who has the weirder laugh? Whenever Kyle laughs really hard, he starts snorting but Cartman has kind of this deep, bellow-y sort of laugh?o o Who gets more jealous? Cartman and Kyle both have problems with jealousy, honestly. Cartman doesn’t like to share and Kyle is lowkey self-conscious. There’s a lot of working that takes place in the early days of their relationship, while they figure out where they stand with each other and what all the other needs out of the relationship. o o Who sleeps with a teddy bear? Cartman, hands down.o o Who still uses internet explorer? Again, Cartman. He’s not particularly internet savvy. o o Who is the most sentimental? They’re both super sentimental softies at heart, though they don’t want anyone to know that.o o Who can play an instrument? Kyle can play the piano but not very well. Cartman does not play any instruments, even though Stan tried really hard to teach him guitar when they were kids.o o Who has the worst sense of direction? Cartman couldn’t find his way out of a cardboard box. He still gets lost in the woods out by Stark’s Pond.o o Who cooks breakfast? Cartman cooks most every meal. He loves cooking and is really super good at it!o o Who is the early riser? Uhm, neither of them get up particularly early, but Cartman is generally up before Kyle.

[flauntpage]

I Got Stoned in Vegas and Placed a Bunch of Silly Sports Bets

On Tuesday, the Vegas Golden Knights won their first home game in franchise history, 5-2 against the Arizona Coyotes. The Knights' second game wasn't until Friday, leaving me an extra day in Las Vegas to get in trouble. In the interest of creating content and winning thousands of dollars, I finally did the most VICE thing possible—I partook in marijuana and documented my attempt to turn $150 into $3,100, the exact amount I require to retire.

I chronicled my Thursday night as best I could. (All times Pacific)

3:00 PM — I head to the Westgate Superbook. I imagine this room is what heaven looks like. Westgate boasts the most prop bets in Vegas, and the plan is to do a six-team parlay for $50 and 10 silly prop bets for $10 each. Unfortunately, the only games with prop bets are the Eagles-Panthers game and Game 5 of Cubs-Nationals but there are enough things to blow money on.

The parlay pays $3,000; the props are $100, give or take a few bucks. I'm going to be rich but I promise not to get all power-hungry once I'm a wealthy gambling magnate.

3:30 PM — Bets are placed. In the interest of drama, I won't reveal the actual bets, just the games I bet on.

3:45 PM — I walk to Essence, a marijuana dispensary. I imagine this room is what heaven smells like. I buy a gram of the Ghost Train Haze, a sativa that offers a lucid high with notes of lemon zest. I spark it up behind the building in a marijuana pipe made from the mahogany of Jimi Hendrix's guitar from Woodstock.

OK, fine. I bought an $11 Reese's Pieces cereal bar.

4:00 PM — I try to get a Lyft from the dispensary to Caesars Palace but they only pick up in casino parking lots, so I walk over to Stratosphere carrying this giant white envelope with my hardcore weed drugs inside. I think to myself, "Doesn't this white envelope signal to people that I'm carrying drugs so they should kick my ass and take them?"

4:15 PM — My Lyft driver informs me, unprompted, that people get their asses kicked all the time because they're walking with a giant white envelope that everyone knows has weed in it.

4:18 PM — We nearly die in the car because some other person swerves. I realize that if that was the moment I died, with an uneaten marijuana cereal bar in one hand and a bus with Brad Garrett's face resting on my crushed body, that would have been a really funny way to go.

4:25 PM — I take my drugs into the bathroom at Caesars. I'm pretty sure I can just open this giant envelope in the lobby and eat my drugs, but I'm pre-paranoid. So I sit on the toilet, crack the envelope (that's not a euphemism for farting), rip open the bag (again, not a euphemism), and stuff my face with drugs. It's less a cereal bar and more just individual Reese's Pieces cereal bites, and one falls out of my hand and onto the bathroom floor.

4:26 PM — I stare at the fallen piece.

4:26 PM — I consider eating it.

4:26 PM — "Don't drugs cancel out germs?"

4:27 PM — I decide to cut my losses and throw away the fallen piece of drugs.

4:30 PM — Penguins at Lightning and Blues at Panthers are underway. Riches are not far behind.

5:00 PM — After eating a chicken Caesar salad, the thing that passes as healthy when it's Day 3 in Vegas even though it's probably worse for you than a cheeseburger, I decide to sit in the poker room, play cards and watch sports. The poker room is right next to the sports book so there's a good energy. Cubs-Nationals is about to start.

5:10 PM — I'm very aware of the fact I am not high yet.

5:15 PM — Lightning are up 1-0.

5:17 PM — I mean, I asked the woman behind the counter if I needed to buy a second weed bar and she insisted this would be enough. I'm worried I wasted money.

5:18 PM — Are anyone else's teeth vibrating? Why is my face so warm all of a sudden? God, have you ever just run your hands over a felt table? It's incredible. Why is everyone at the poker table staring at me? What? Do they know I'm high? Is it illegal to be high? Just be cool, be cool... oh, there are cards in front of me and it's my turn to act.

5:30 PM — Eagles-Panthers has begun. I can no longer focus on cards.

5:42 PM — That jerk who kicked that 80-yard FG against the Giants opens the scoring against the Panthers, giving me my first victory of the night. At +142, I've already got $24.20 back in my pocket. I'm going to win enough money to buy VICE Sports and turn it into an Eli Manning fan site. Prepare to lose your stake in the company, Shane Smith! I'm going to be your boss!

5:43 PM — Lightning are still up 1 and the Panthers are leading the Blues 1-0.

5:45 PM — Bryce Harper and Kris Bryant are both 0-for-1, so my total bases prop bet is even. I've got Bryant so I feel pretty good.

5:49 PM — Daniel Murphy homers. The casino is rocking. I'm indifferent.

5:55 PM — Michael Taylor hits a three-run homer off Kyle Hendricks, who earlier that day I said was, "the most underrated pitcher in baseball."

5:59 PM — Lightning still winning, Panthers still winning, Wild-Blackhawks has started and is scoreless.

6:08 PM — Bryant doubles. That's two total bases for me. Suck it, Bryce Harper!

6:10 PM — After revisiting my betting slips, I realize that my prop bet is actually Bryant vs. Murphy, so I'm losing 4-2. I'm not handling my buzz very well.

6:21 PM — Gio Gonzalez strikes out Jason Heyward for his fifth K of the game. I bet the under on his Ks for the game, which was four, so there's $10 I'll never see again. Heyward almost single-handedly lost this bet for me.

6:45 PM — Panthers are now up 4-1 on the Blues. I have now added alcohol to this evening. I'm also playing in a two-table poker tournament I was told would have 45-50 entrants and am not happy about it. I'm gambling angry and distracted by all the sports. I can also feel the inside of my tongue. Everything is pretty great actually.

7:02 PM — There is a lot of passion in the room and people are truly appreciating the tense moments in this Cubs-Nationals game and showing respect for athletes at the peak of their lives.

7:03 PM — "Eat fucking shit, Max Scherzer!" some dork in a tracksuit screams at the TV as he gives up the lead to the Cubs. He probably had $9 on the under or something.

7:04 PM — I'm pretty sure I saw the Cash Cab guy in the stands. I can't believe how high I am. I'm bad at this.

7:10 PM — Panthers are up 5-1.

7:15 PM — I notice the Cubs and Nationals have combined for 28 runs/hits/errors in like the sixth inning, so that's another prop bet win on the over 24 runs/hits/errors. That's another $19.10 coming back to me for a total of $43.30. I'm so rich. I will host VICE News on HBO. I'm going to run this place.

7:24 PM — Lightning win. That gets me 1/6th of the way to the parlay. I've got this. I know it.

7:25 PM — The Blues lose to the Panthers and the parlay is dead. It is at this time I'd like to apologize to everyone at VICE, especially Shane Smith, about threatening to buy the company and transforming it into an Eli Manning fan site. That was irresponsible of me and should never have happened. VICE does great work and I'm glad to be part of it in this small capacity.

7:36 PM — I am now out of the tournament. Turns out the guy I knew was bluffing was not. All I have left at this time are the prop bets.

7:49 PM — Kelvin Benjamin gets to over 55 yards, another win for me.

8:00 PM — I've left Caesars to go to Aria, because for some reason I have this uncontrollable urge for pizza and that casino has the best casino pizza in the world. I just don't get why I want pizza so badly or why it feels so weird when I run my teeth over my tongue.

8:30 PM — In the interest of time, here are the results of my other prop bets:

LOSSES Panthers -10.5 over the Eagles (not even close!) That Bryant vs. Murphy total bases bet (stupid Bryant)

WINS Cam Newton under 1.5 touchdown passes Carson Wentz under 251.5 passing yards

PUSH Eagles-Panthers 5 sacks total

PARLAY WINS Lightning over Penguins Wild over Blackhawks Cubs over Nationals Eagles-Panthers Over 44

PARLAY LOSSES Stupid dumbass overrated Blues Stupid dumbass overrated Panthers

DRUG WINS Me

When this adventure began, I handed $150 to a teller at Westgate. When it ends, I cash $125 in prop tickets, so that's a loss of $25 on that stupid adventure that could have made me CEO of VICE.

Although, while I was playing poker at Caesars, I won $150 playing cash and lost $125 on the dumb tournament, which means after six hours of gambling, I finished...

Even.

Well, the weed bar cost $11, but I feel like I came out ahead on that.

I Got Stoned in Vegas and Placed a Bunch of Silly Sports Bets published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv