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shadowsphere · 2 years ago

Note

Can I request angst! Kishou Arima x reader with a happy ending?

🔮Side by Side ⎯ K. Arima

☽ Featuring: Kishou Arima x gn! Reader

☽ Request? ✓ I scrolled and saw this was in my drafts. Completely forgot. I'm so sorry!!

☽ Includes: angst, fluffy, character death, happy but sad ending, ghouls vs reapers, opposites attract???, enemies to lovers??,, afterlife, Ken Kaneki, wishing for death mention, gn reader, minor trans characters, ftm transition mentioned, inside joke, slow burn, unnecessary background, fearing arima, canon touken, ayato helps train you, owl suppression operation, slow ghoul identity finding, multiple skips around bc it wouldve been longer if i didnt, both of you like each other but dont get together, one adorable kiss, reader jumping into kishou's arms, fighting with ccg, winning but at what cost, One-Eyed King, unrealistic fight but its cool to think about, loosely based off a scene in naruto, not even dialogue bc i suck at it, hand holding but not really, reincarnation????

☽ Synopsis: You were both supposed to grow old together, yet here you two are, wasting away on the battlefield, revenge for who you two were.

☽ A/n: I included a trans character just so that I can get some practice in writing for a trans character. I hope that's okay. Also, please don't be afraid to recommend trans! reader stories as well as male! reader stories, I want to gain experience writing them.

🔮┊🔮┊🔮 ≛ ☽

This wasn't supposed to happen.

This war should have ended before it started, but that could be wishful thinking. This was bound to happen, it was the fine print of your jobs. Perhaps you two were just too selfish and the universe noticed. Maybe these were your punishments for all the things you've done.

Maybe it was just a nightmare. A really long nightmare that neither of you could wake up from. Anything was better than real life at this moment, and you two were forced to watch each other. Forced to manage the pain each was going through.

This wasn't punishment. It was torture.

But let's start from the beginning.

Kishou Arima, CCG's Reaper. Despite his job being to kill ghouls, he was on their side. He even took up a secret identity to fight alongside ghouls. Something he's regretting in his current timeline.

Y/n, a newly turned ghoul. You were constantly afraid of what you could do to others who didn't deserve to be attacked. But you cared less about attacking people who deserved it but were still scared of fear of getting tortured by investigators.

Before we get into how you met, let's get deeper into your story.

You hung out with Ken Kaneki a lot, you both were baby ghouls. You gave each other a lot of strength, both constantly going through the shock and hatred of what's happened to yourselves. Unlike Kaneki, you didn't know when or who turned you into a ghoul, you just remember one day getting worrying thoughts and urges.

You and Kaneki met when he was on a mission to kill ghouls in the area. He had stumbled across you while you were curled into a ball, noticeably crying. When Kaneki reached out to touch the shaking person in front of him, you flinched away and looked up at him with frightened eyes. The way you looked at the time made

Kaneki feel like they were a victim attacked by a ghoul that got away.

This leads to a weird dynamic between the two. Kaneki would take care of you, while you constantly pushed him away. You didn't want to hurt the person keeping you safe and would rather Kaneki forgot about you and left. But Kaneki was too nice.

You tried to run away multiple times.

The moment you learned that Kaneki was an investigator, you feared the moment he would find out what you were. You didn't want Kaneki to hate you for never mentioning that you were a ghoul. Plus you were conflicted with yourself. You constantly cursed the universe for letting this happen to you and wished for someone to kill you, yet feared being killed by an investigator.

Maybe this was the first act of selfishness. They need to be alive but want to be dead.

Kaneki did find out about you being a ghoul of course. He again was on a mission. He had heard that there was a ghoul out of control, eating and attacking any humans they would see. Kaneki knew these to be signs of either a newly turned ghoul or a ghoul who fought against their urges. Kaneki always hated killing those types, but they were dangerous to the world, and they needed to die.

It was deja vu.

He went through an alleyway. He immediately recognized you. But he didn't focus on that long. He noticed a lot of blood on you and your clothes. It looked like you were dunked overhead with blood. Behind you, he saw a pile of bodies and instantly connected the dots. He hoped it wasn't what it looked like, but from the tears on your face and the flesh around your mouth, he knew you did this.

"Y/n.." The sad tone in his voice made the tears fall. You crouched down and started crying into your knees, the scene reminding him of when you first met. The gut-wrenching screams of regret and hatred were loud, causing even more hesitation in Kaneki. He understood why you two met the way you did. You were scared of yourself and crying. He understood you pushing him away, you were protecting him.

This one time. This one ghoul. You broke him. He could kill any ghoul without a second thought. But because he knew you, because he knew you weren't dangerous and that you didn't want to be, he couldn't kill you.

Kaneki walked to you and crouched down, engulfing you in the tightest hug that you could muster. He felt you immediately grab hold of him and cry harder. Maybe out of disbelief that he's hugging you. Kaneki's eyes were focusing hard on the dead bodies in front of him now that he was looking over your shoulder. The bodies ranged from kids to old people.

None of them were completely finished. Kaneki's hand went up to the back of your head and pushed you against his shoulder. He didn't know, but he could guess that you tried so hard to stop yourself from completely killing them, but the urges got the better of you. Kaneki looked at your still crying form, deciding that he could lie this one time.

After this event, Kaneki allowed you to meet the Kirishima siblings. He had explained to you that they helped him control his urges as much as possible because he was exactly like you, he didn't want to eat human flesh. Hearing that not only was Kaneki a ghoul, but he also used to be in the same position as you. This gave you the confidence to trust the Kirishima siblings.

It's been 15 years since.

Even though some people get over being a ghoul in a few years, you were just now getting to the point where you were okay with it. It's mainly due to the fact that you had to work through the trauma of the screams of kids and families. Every day, you were plagued with those images, finding it hard to move on when you took their lives just because you were hungry. You still have the guilt, but you've constantly been going to their graves and paying your respects. You were the colors and mask of a swan, but unlike the animal, you repelled others.

Maybe it was the uncertainty you gave everyone who didn't know you. Your uncertainty increased oddly enough, not because you were displeased with who you were, but because you didn't know what type of ghoul you were. Ayato Kirishima would constantly say that you're possibly a Ukaku like him, but there was no evidence to prove that.

Still, you trained just in case.

However, you and Kaneki stopped hanging around each other for some time. It was rare for you to see him and if you did, he would instantly leave. At first, you were completely confused as to why and no one wanted to tell you what was happening. But you ended up getting over it due to how busy you were getting as well.

You spent a lot of time with the Kirishima siblings, especially Touka, who you realized had a bit of a schoolgirl crush on Kaneki. She and you grew close due to your relationships with Kaneki and would always be found laughing together. On some days, you both would get together to mutually worry about Kaneki.

Today was the same thing.

You were helping Touka out at the Anetiku, a routine you were used to doing after training. You were a stand-in waitress, and currently, you served a middle-aged man and his teenager, your last customers. The teenager seemed to have a mixture of interests from what you could tell. They had hair that was split but in an oddly satisfying way. Their hair was black on one side but dyed multiple colors on the other.

Their clothes were the same. They had on black pants but a very colorful top. Their accessories were a mixture of black and colorful. You could tell that the teenager was going through a self-discovery of who they were and what they liked. Any time you went to their table for their orders, you would unconsciously catch some parts of their conversation.

Something you felt very guilty about and tried hard to block out so that you weren't imploring on a sensitive topic.

You caught sentences like "I don't know who I am yet", "Dad how did you make your transition from female to male confidently", and "I don't even know if I want to transition." You were able to work out that the teenager was transgender and was seeking reassurance from their father, who went through the same process.

You hoped that at the end of their journey, they would be happy with what they decided on who they should be. You went through the same process of accepting who you were and it wasn't easy, so you hoped they had a good support system. You knew the duo knew you heard their conversation, but since you showed no ignorant reaction, they felt comfortable.

When they two got up to leave, they gave you a smile. You smiled back, wishing that you could've done something in order to show how supportive you were but didn't want to be too pushy. Touka noticed the interaction and looked at you, her voice teasing despite the monotone. "You look like they offered for you to join their family."

The sentence caused you to immediately laugh. "Is that what that looked like?" You were laughing hard, amusing Touka with the wheezing escaping you. She lived to make you wheeze, and you always delivered.

"I hear wheezing, and I know it's not the teapot." You and Touka looked to the entrance and saw Kaneki walking in, a smile on his face. He was followed behind by another person. This person was completely covered. You couldn't even see a small amount of skin. The person was making sure that no one could identify who they were.

Your eyes went from the mysterious to Kaneki who was smiling at you. You rolled your eyes playfully, "The first thing you do is make fun of me after ten thousand years of not seeing you." Touka covered her smile with her hand, finding it amusing how you exaggerated sometimes. Touka walked to Kaneki and hugged him. The hug was awkward, only because they both liked each other but didn't want to mention it to one another.

You couldn't see Touka's face, but you could see Kaneki's, and the blush on his face amused you. You watched as they hugged, completely forgetting that they aren't alone. A sound came from the mysterious person that came with Kaneki. He had cleared his throat, feeling awkward about what he was forced to witness. Kaneki and Touka pushed each other away, unable to look each other in the eyes now.

You snorted automatically and immediately covered your nose, expecting Kaneki to mention it. He didn't disappoint. The moment the sound came from you, he looked at you with a teasing glint in his eyes. "You better not." "Better not what piggy?" You glared at Kaneki and he only shrugged, but you knew he wasn't done. Not with how he was smirking at you.

"Though, I'm surprised I didn't have to bribe you for you to oink for me like I usually do." The immediate laugh that sentence got out of you made Kaneki cocky. He knew how much you loved any mention of any inside jokes you have with each other.

This inside joke was made when you two were extremely sleep-deprived at three am but still hung out. You two didn't understand how y'all got there, but you two started to talk about turns on and turn-offs. The conversation led to both of you snorting out of laughter at the ridiculous things you were saying, but Kaneki took the award for the most outrageous sentences said. "Imagine if your partner asked you to oink for them because it turned them on."

Safe to say that it made your life so much better after that.

Kaneki walked behind the counter and hugged you quickly then let you go. You wanted to make a joke about him hugging you like he didn't want to, yet held on to Touka so much longer, but you knew that would make them awkward. So instead, you just pinched his side and focused on making sure that no other customers were getting ready to come in.

With Kaneki here, that meant he found something out.

Touka went to the bathroom and knocked, trying to see if someone was in there still. Since there weren't any sounds from the bathroom, Touka gave you a thumbs-up. You went to the door and locked it. You closed the blinds on one side of the room, while Touka closed the blinds on the other.

You two finished making sure no one could see or hear inside the cafe. Then you went to go sit at a booth, Touka going over to make drinks and food for everyone. Kaneki and his guest sat across from you, and while you three waited, the conversation started.

"Kishou-sama, you can take everything off now. You're safe here. No one is gonna report you." Kaneki addressed the man next to him and smiled. The person next to Kaneki started to remove his clothing. First, he started with his white gloves, revealing the bony but veiny hands he had. His fingers were long but elegant. After, the large, bulky coat he had on came off next. He had on a white coat, which you found weird because that makes him unnecessarily hot.

But now you could see the black shirt he had underneath the coat. Then the white scarf around his neck came off, revealing that the black shirt was actually a turtleneck. Then he moved on to the mask that completely covered his face. The moment he took it off you were surprised to see a face that you only saw in photos.

His hand went up to push his glasses up his nose as he got comfortable. He had put all the articles of clothing onto the ground, clearing up space for everyone to be comfortable. You didn't show a visual reaction, you felt it would've been rude if you did. Instead, you panicked in your head. You didn't understand why a well-known investigator was buddy-buddy with a ghoul.

His gray, visibly bored eyes landed on you. It was like he could sense that you were panicking. He showed no reaction, he just nodded his head in greeting and then looked back at Kaneki.

When Touka came back and put the drinks and food on the table and got settled in, the meeting started. Kaneki and Kishou explained the reason for their visit and how Touka and you needed to inform all the ghouls you possibly could. The CCG was planning an attack and everyone needed to be ready.

Maybe you should've known Kishou would become a prominent figure in your life after that.

Kaneki would start to come back around, he said he was getting ready for the amount of fighting there would be. You were unsure about that, still unsure of your ghoul type. Along with Kaneki, Kishou also started to come around a lot. He couldn't come as much as Kaneki because he couldn't let his identity be found out, but he still would.

His attitude towards you and Touka never changed. He stayed professional and distant. It was understandable though, he couldn't get close, and it could ruin everything he worked for. Touka started to tease you about Kishou though. Maybe your lingering gazes of fear could be seen as gazes of attraction.

It wasn't like Arima wasn't attractive, you were just too plagued with the fear that one day he's gonna kill everyone. No matter how many times Kaneki said "He regrets killing the ghouls he killed. He's on our side", you couldn't fully believe that.

But the universe was funny. It gives you something just to take it away.

Ayato had told you that he couldn't help you train one day. He was too busy trying to prepare with everyone in the Aogiri Tree. He needed to make sure that everything was okay, but he wouldn't allow you to train alone. He mentioned that someone would help you train, but didn't say who.

It was a good thing he didn't say. You wouldn't have gone if he did. You remember entering your training room and seeing Kishou sitting down. He was peaceful. When you got closer, you noticed that his eyes were closed. You looked towards the door, thinking of skipping out on training this one time, but he noticed.

"Oh. You're here." His smooth but cold voice made you scared. You watched as he stood up to his full height. "I was told to help train you. You don't know what kind of ghoul you are right? Kirishima said that you could be a Ukaku." You just nodded along, looking at the exit. You knew that you wouldn't make it if you run, but the thought was tempting.

Kishou started to take off his white coat, something you noticed he always wore. He folded it and put it on the ground neatly far from you. He started to roll up the sleeves of his turtle neck.

Was it too late to run? He looked as if he could easily take you out. But still, you reluctantly got ready to train. Usually, you were confident and aggressive, but now you were timid. Kishou knew it was because you feared him as an investigator, halfway through the training session, he stood up straight.

He let out a sigh. "We won't get anywhere if you continue to fear me. If I wanted to kill you, I would've already done it. But we don't have time for you to be acting like this. So, either get over your fear or live in fear and die."

You weren't mad. You weren't even sad. What he said was completely valid. You were putting yourself at risk of dying just because you fear him. Plus training with an actual investigator would teach you what you need to know. Instead of losing fear, you used your fear of him for good.

When you two started training again, he noticed how intense you were and could only nod his head in approval. He was better than you, but you were still learning a lot.

It became a ritual.

You two would train together since Ayato was constantly busy. Especially now that Kishou has revealed the name of the operation, Owl Suppression Operation, and the full details of what the operation was. You were getting no closer to discovering your ghoul identity. You showed constant frustration with this, even though everyone repeatedly said to be patient and to wait.

You just felt useless. Again, the universe is cruel. In your time of feeling like you were a burden, Kishou was there for you. He would enter Anteiku and awkwardly ask you to sit with him. At first, you would look at him weirdly and decline. It seemed that when you declined, he would let out a breath of relief and get up to leave.

By that, you knew he was set up by someone to give you company against his will. But the sight of him being happy to not deal with you rubbed you the wrong way, even though you knew he would act the same to everyone else. So, you started to accept his invitations.

You would instantly regret the decision once you two were surrounded by awkwardness. He was distantly cold, and you hated that. So after ten minutes, you would get up and go back to work. Every time, you saw how he would be less tensed up. Maybe he just genuinely hated interaction that couldn't be calculated or controlled by him.

But an odd thing started to happen.

His silent and distant company did wonders. You started to feel more comfortable with him. His behavior was a break from everyone constantly questioning you or reassuring you. He was content, well kind of, with letting you sit down and didn't bother bringing up anything you worried about.

Maybe this was where the universe noticed that it made a mistake. You didn't know when, or how, but you craved Kishou's company over anyone else's. Instead of him asking you to sit with him, you started to ask him to keep you company. Of course, it threw him off. He was surprised you wanted to stay around him, but he allowed it, deciding that it wasn't that bad. Plus your presence was barely there.

What a lie that was.

You started to talk. He remembers being deep in thought, wondering how the plan against the CCG would work when you started talking. "Kishou, when did you find out your type?" Kishou was caught off guard, but it didn't show. He looked at you, noticing how interested you were. He also knew this probably had something to do with ghoul types.

He cleared his throat, keeping eye contact with you. "I don't know. It just happened." He noticed how your head hit the table, making a thud. You groaned out in frustration, sick and tired of being uncertain. "I noticed that you were a swan mask usually. Shouldn't that help you figure out what you should possibly go for?" Your mouth opened in surprise. Why didn't you think of that?

"Kishou, you're a genius. Swans have wings, and Ukaku has wings. Is that why Ayato was always saying I would be an Ukaku?" His mouth lifted up into a tiny smile, amused that you were making what he said seem like it was philosophical. "How do I become an Ukaku?" "You can't control what you become, it just happens. Maybe that's why you haven't found out what you are. You've been trying too hard to do it yourself and not let the Rc cells do their job."

Something that would never change, is how much you hate that Kishou is almost never wrong. He never fails to give a realistic answer and make you realize that you're just being an idiot for never figuring it out yourself. You know he never means to do that, but he always gives such simple explanations and you curse yourself for struggling to figure that out.

Due to that, and the date of the operation getting closer and closer, you stopped focusing on your ghoul type and started focusing on other things. Like you staring at Kishou too long. Touka and Kaneki team up to tease you about it, but you can't help it. His hair oddly complimented his pale skin. It was entrancing to see and made him look ethereal.

Sometimes you wanted to see how he would look with his hair pushed back, but that was the only thing that really held your attention. His hair was pretty and that really was it, no matter what Touka and Kaneki said.

Kishou wasn't stupid. He noticed how you looked at him. But he also could read the signs, knowing you weren't attracted to him. So he just let you be. Though, he couldn't help but get a little happy whenever you celebrated getting a tiny victory over him. It surprisingly caused him a lot less stress than you being worried over anything.

Maybe Kishou only noticed your staring because he stared as well.

He found it interesting how you would make weird sounds whenever you laughed or when you lost balance due to laughing too hard. He was amused with your questions about him, sometimes the questioning not making sense. They varied from "Do you ever wonder if you're getting old? You know, with your hair being white." to "How come you have different Kagune's like Kaneki? Are you two related?"

It was weird how many times you asked about the connection between him and Kaneki. Your reason was mainly that they both had too many similarities. You would accuse them of being long-lost brothers despite them proving that they had no connection to each other.

That's when he should've realized.

He was so focused on everything and everyone else, that he couldn't see his own growing feelings. He should've noticed that his guard was being let down. He let out laughs and smiles more in your company, yet he didn't realize that. He got too caught up and realized when it was too late.

Maybe it was punishment for taking too long.

Soon you both started being weird. You would stop hanging around Kishou, finding it awkward. No, awkward isn't the right word, you found it rude. Kishou was helping you anytime he could, and here you were gaining feelings. Slowly, but surely. It was immediately noticed.

Ayato first noticed it, but only because you allowed him to. He remembers being at the Anteiku and eating when you suddenly sat down across from him. He saw how nervous and desperate you seemed and sighed, knowing you weren't gonna let him decline anything you asked. "Come back to training me please."

Ayato nodded instantly, which shocked you. He noticed the shock and only shrugged "I don't feel like hearing you constantly whine. But why do you want me to do it? You were perfectly fine with Arima weren't you?" He notice you flinch at the sound of the name and rolled his eyes. He knew what this meant. He had to deal with it when Kaneki first realized he liked Touka.

"I don't want to know." Ayato stood up, completely losing his appetite. He didn't need to or have to deal with any more people being into each other, but not making any moves.

You would've been hurt if he didn't just grant your wish. He could be grumpy all he wants, he gave you what you want.

The next person to realize what was happening was Touka. Every time Kaneki and Kishou would come into the cafe, suddenly you were ducked behind the counter and asking her not to expose you. There were multiple times when she almost did, but she was a good friend. Though as for revenge for making her hide you, she would find multiple reasons to say Kishou's name when you least expected it.

You would be taking orders and here comes Touka. She would whisper in your ear, making it seem like she's telling you something about the cafe in front of the customers but really she's just saying "Kishou was breathing earlier." Yes, she made sure that it never made sense. She just loved to see you in the same situation you made fun of her and Kaneki for.

Speaking of Kaneki, he didn't notice your behavior. Either he was too busy to notice or he was too focused on Touka. However, you guessed Touka revealed to him your steadily growing feelings for Kishou. At first, Kaneki didn't believe her, but he was instantly convinced.

There was another meeting being held, this time all of the Aogiri Tree members were present. The discussion was being held about any final adjustments to be made. However, Kaneki noticed how your eyes kept drifting to a highly focused Kishou. He watched as your eyes traveled from his hair to his hands, the process of getting there being stopped occasionally by you getting distracted by his other features.

However, he also noticed something no one else could see. He saw how Kishou was tense. He was always tense, but never this much. Kaneki instantly knew that Kishou knew that you were looking at him. But he didn't seem tense because he disliked it. Kishou was known for being honest and blunt about what he didn't like, and this would be no different.

Kaneki knew Kishou liked it enough to not tell you to stop. He could only smirk as he came up with a way to tease you. He didn't stall on that either. The moment the meeting was over and everyone went back to where they needed to go, Anteiku was filled with only you, Kaneki, Touka, and Ayato.

You were cleaning up the tables like you were supposed to while Touka threw away the trash. You two just automatically split the chores, something that was learned after months of the same routine. Kaneki didn't care though. He leaned against the table, much to your dismay. "Ken. Get off the table, I'm cleaning." You stuck your tongue out at him as you spoke, but he didn't automatically respond.

Usually, he gave you a witty remark, but he didn't, which worried you more than you cared to admit. Though that care instantly drained when he opened his mouth. "No matter how much you clean, your reflection won't change. It, unfortunately, can't capture the look of hopeless pining." You froze while you cleaned the table. You continued to stare at the table, seeing your reflection wasn't helping.

The Kirishima siblings lost interest in what they were doing and focused on you and Kaneki. This was the first time your noticeable feelings for Kishou were mentioned, and you were obviously taking it bad. "....What are you talking about?" Kaneki stood up straight, noticing your unmoving body. He had two options: poke fun at you or be a nice friend.

For once, he would choose the former.

"After all this time and years of poking fun of me and Touka. Calling it a schoolgirl crush. Now, here you are. Crushing on someone just like a schoolgirl crush." Ayato had covered his mouth, not wanting to let you hear him laughing at you. Your hands were clenched into fists. Kaneki was right. This was your karma for all that you've done.

You sighed, letting your eyes land on Kaneki. He saw the sadness and disbelief in you and could only sigh before patting your head. "Well I can tell you one thing, he's noticed but he doesn't hate it." That caught your attention, but Kaneki only started to walk away. "Wait! Hold on! Come back!" Kaneki only waved at you, leaving like he didn't just drop a bombshell on you.

Well, now you have a lot to think about.

Kishou was thinking a lot around this time as well. He was constantly working but wasn't focused. Something that everyone noticed but decided not to mention for fear of what he might say. His task, with Kaneki, was to sabotage anything that the CCG had prepared for the operation. Currently, he was unable to effectively do it, causing a lot of frustration in his partner in crime.

"Are you that emotionally constipated that you're struggling with your own?" Kishou looked over at Kaneki who was staring at him with a raised eyebrow. It was silent between them for a little, Kaneki realizing that Kishou barely understood anything. "Never mind." A big, dramatic sigh escaped Kaneki, but he went back to what he was doing.

Kishou followed suit, not entirely concerned with what was said. Though, he should've been. Maybe he could've stopped a disaster before it even started.

Kishou started to notice that he only ever trained with you now. He couldn't and didn't want to train with anyone else. He didn't understand why. He always gave the excuse of "Sorry, I need someone that's actually challenging" but that wasn't true about you. You were the weakest person he knew, and he didn't gain anything from training with you, but he still declined every invitation.

If you couldn't train, he wouldn't train at all. Kishou noticed this only when many CCG members started to complain openly that he was mocking them. He, of course, showed that he wasn't surprised by this information, but on the inside, it didn't make sense. Why did he train with you but no one else?

Kishou also noticed how he would occasionally look over your body. Before, he used to do it because he needed to asses what you should work on for the session. Now, he has no reason to, especially not in the middle of the session. Yet, he still does it and he knows you know because you would get awfully quiet and wouldn't look him in the eyes. Is he making you feel the way you make him feel when you stare at him? If so, why doesn't he hate that?

Why does he continue to do it, despite knowing how you're gonna react? He would subconsciously tell himself that it was because he enjoyed your reaction, but he wouldn't accept that. It was out of character for him. However, he knew that every time he did it, he would be smirking a little.

He remembers Ayato telling him to admit that he likes you to himself. Ayato sounded extremely tired of everything, and seemingly "Your unawareness that you like Y/n and their inability to completely accept that they like you is stressing me out more than preparations." was the main cause of it. Ayato had started to walk away after that, mumbling that he needed to sleep.

Kishou, weeks after that, continuously contemplated over if he really did like you. He thought he was exempt from experiencing romantic feelings. It was something he was okay with, but having romantic feelings was completely out of his expertise. Luckily, since preparations were coming to a close on both sides, Kishou had time to himself to think about everything.

He finally accepted the reality that he did have some sort of feelings for you, but there was no time for romance, especially on a battlefield. That's what he said, but he sang a different tune two days away from the start of a war.

He had visited the Aogiri Tree for the last time. He was walking around and getting details about any last-minute adjustments made. But his task was interrupted by the scream of his name. "KISHOU!" Kishou turned around and saw you running to him, smiling in absolute delight.

He liked your smile more than he could've thought. These feelings enhanced his attraction to you the more you did normal things like smile or speak. He was fed up with it, but didn't mind it. Kishou bowed at the people he was previously talking to and walked up to you to meet you halfway. Here he goes again, putting you above everyone else instantly.

You didn't stop running. Actually, you ran past him, but grabbed onto his arm and dragged him in the direction of your training room. "I have to show you something really cool!" Usually, he would protest getting pulled like this, but he allowed you.

Again, feelings were weird. Is this why people call it a weakness?

Kishou stayed silent and just accepted his fate. Once you got into the training room, you closed the door and started to push him away from you. Kishou didn't say anything, just watched. As he watched, he watched something incredible happen. Maybe it was just incredible because it was you.

He saw wings start to take form near your shoulders. His mouth dropped in shock. You were taking the form of an Ukaku right in front of his eyes with the happiest smile on your face. Once the wings fully formed, you two made eye contact and he could see happy tears start to form. His face shifted into one of pure happiness for you, his small smile meaning the world to you.

"It finally happened, huh? When did it?" He watched as you floated and spun around the room, gleefully laughing. He stood standing, watching as you finally enjoyed your ghoul identity. "It happened weeks ago, but you weren't here to see. Ayato's been teaching me how to fight as an Ukaku. I was running when I heard you were in the area and I needed to show you!"

Kishou watched as you got back onto the ground and your wings started to disappear. He didn't think anyone could pull off being an Ukaku as beautifully as you. 'But that's biased thinking.' He thought to himself. Kishou watched as your excitement rose again, but he wasn't ready for what you were gonna do.

You jumped onto him, hugging him tightly. He didn't stumble, but he was caught off guard. He just wrapped his arms around you confused and hugged back. You pulled away from the hug slightly and smiled at him, causing nerves to flow through him a little. "Thank you Kishou for telling me something extremely simple that actually helped me. Oh and also for training with me all those months."

Kishou only nodded. He couldn't focus on anything around him or what you were saying. Your eyes shone bright, happiness completely filling them. Your arms were around his neck, holding him like he truly saved your life. But what has his attention the most, was your lips that showed him smiles because he did something right.

Maybe it was okay for a little romance. He could indulge a little in his wants for once. Then after the fight, you two could talk about it more. But would you be okay with that? Ayato's words from weeks ago replay in his head, reminding him that you did in fact like him.

Maybe he should. He would regret it if he didn't.

Without even thinking, Kishou connected your lips. Your eyes widened from the sudden kiss but stayed wide due to the softness of how he was kissing you. Your eyes slowly closed, kissing him just as softly as he was kissing you. The kiss was delicate, representing the feelings you had for each other.

You pulled away from each other. His glasses were a little foggy, causing you to laugh. You took his glasses off his face and wiped them clean with your shirt. Before you put them on his face, you looked at him and admired his beauty without his glasses. For Kishou, all he could see was a blurry image, but he could feel that you were smiling at him.

His clear vision came back as you put them back on his face and your hands went down to his cheek, caressing him as gently as you kissed. The air around you two was a soft blanket of hope.

But that blanket would soon be ripped off of you, exposing you to the harsh and cold reality of the world. Because here you two were on the battlefield. He was appearing as the One-Eyed King, fighting against the most powerful CCG members while you were in the air, fighting against the weaker ones.

Everyone was fighting with their blood, sweat, and tears. Everyone would get back up after getting knocked down repeatedly. But the thunder that struck signaled a change in the war. At first, the ghouls had the upper hand. But then the CCG started to gain it.

All around you were the screams of excruciating pain. Ghouls were falling back to back. Sure the number of ghouls was overpowering, but the numbers were quickly falling. No one understood what was happening, and Kishou was also confused. But still, the fight continued, and the ghouls attack more ferociously than before. They mutually agreed that whatever was taking out the ghouls needed to be taken out fast.

You were fighting effectively in the air, the training with Ayato helping you out. But something went wrong. One of your wings got attacked, but instead of being unharmed, it completely disappeared. You let out a yelp, having only one wing barely keeping you in the air. But that wing also got attacked, disappearing like its pair.

You started falling, and fast.

Kishou was fighting but he kept an eye on you. When he saw you falling to the ground, he overpowered his opponent and ran to you, trying to catch you. It was wishful thinking. The world was too nice, it gave him multiple things in life, but he was sick of it. It now wanted to take instead.

He felt something thrust into his stomach. He looked down and saw a massive hole. He could feel himself start to change back. He looked back to see who attacked him and saw a smug-looking CCG member. The smugness of the member dissolved when Kishou was revealed to be the One-Eyed King. It was placed with betrayal. Kishou didn't have time to deal with this. He needed to catch you.

He just kept running to you. He caught you in his arms, you were curled up in fear. You opened your eyes and saw Kishou holding you and you smiled. He put you on your feet. He wanted to ask about your rings but for now, he would go back to the fight. He tried to change back into the One-Eyed King but he couldn't.

His eyebrows furrowed. But then he realized. The CCG was planning on making weapons that could cancel out a ghoul's RC cells, meaning they couldn't use their abilities anymore. They said it wouldn't get finished in time for this operation, so he stopped worrying about it.

He let his guard down. People were telling the truth feeling were a weakness.

"I can't believe Kishou Arima, our reaper, is on the side of the ghouls. This ghoul here, you care for them." Kishou glared at the CCG member. He could take him even without the RC cells. But what he didn't expect was to hear you scream. Kishou immediately turned around to see you on the ground. He saw that another CCG member had attacked you, making sure that you couldn't use your RC cells either.

He wanted to run towards the member who attacked you, but he was grabbed by another. They held him by his neck, and Kishou could've fought them off, but what he was told made him stop. "If you struggle, they die right in front of your eyes."

Yeah. Feelings and emotions were a weakness.

He was forced to watch you struggle to move, your body not used to not having any RC cells anymore. You were basically a normal human despite the ghoul trait to you. It was definitely causing you to have a small crisis. He saw someone step over him, noticing that the CCG member was smirking at him. They grabbed you by your chin and lifted your face up so that you and Kishou could see each other.

He saw the tears in your eyes, your body in more pain than he could imagine. Kishou was half-human, so his RC cells being taken wasn't a big deal, but it was different for you. "This is your punishment for being a two-faced rat." Kishou's eyes widened. They planned to kill you either way but wanted to take it slowly instead of having to speed it up.

Kishou immediately started struggling, much to the delight of the CCG member holding him. Kishou was wrong though. They weren't planning on killing just you. He found that out while struggling. It was easier to kill Kishou since he was still human. Getting rid of him now would mean they could get rid of a powerful force.

It was instant.

It was like nothing changed. Kishou starts gurgling. The blood was pooling up in his throat as it flowed out from the cut on his throat. He felt the grip of the CCG member loosen and he stumbled forward. He almost fell over while holding his hand to the cut.

He wondered how he looked to you. He wondered how scared and traumatized you were. But he didn't have to wonder, he heard you scream again. He instantly knew they attacked you for good. His vision was blurry, due to the fast blood loss, but he tried to reach out to you. He was dying, but he could save you couldn't he? He's done impossible things before.

He could save you with his last dying breath.

His body didn't agree. The moment he took one step, he immediately fell to the ground. His hearing was leaving him, but he could still hear the sounds of battle. What he couldn't hear was your breathing. They made sure to kill you quickly, but left him suffering. That's what he thought.

He felt a body next to his. He immediately knew it was you, but he couldn't see. He didn't even know how he got here. He must look ridiculous, he was bleeding out but all he cared for was you. He should've stuck to the fact that romance didn't work out. He put too many people in danger and with him losing himself but also you, he cursed himself for letting it get to this point.

You were looking up at the sky, or at least what you thought was the sky. Your hand was on what used to be a stomach, the CCG members had made sure to put a hole big enough through you. It was painful, but you would die faster. It felt weird, you were too used to feeling flesh, but there was nothing. Your eyes closed, and you lost your senses faster than Kishou. You didn't feel when he touched you or when he held your hand. Even he couldn't really feel it.

The universe was cruel, it gave and gave until it took. It took a massive chunk.

No one knew you two were dead on the ground. Everyone was too focused on the fighting. The ghouls felt a weird need to fight hard for some reason. Their fighting allowed them to win. The CCG members had started to retreat and the ghouls celebrated. But the celebration was cut short.

Kaneki, Touka, and Ayato went to go look for you. They wanted to congratulate you on overcoming everything you went through, but they soon realized it wasn't gonna happen.

The trio noticed you first. Kaneki had to cover his mouth so that he didn't throw up at the sight of your body. Touka wasn't bothered by how you looked, but tears were streaming down her face. Ayato wasn't as emotional as them. He was more curious about the person next to you. He crouched down and saw how Kishou looked.

It looked like he got the easier death, but he suffered by living longer than you. His eyes trailed down to your hands and sighed. The feelings you two held were finally accepted, yet accepted too late.

The war was won, but at what cost?

The next months after that, your funeral was being held. Kaneki cried loud and hard, he was on his knees the whole time and no one could lift him up. Touka cried into Ayato's arms, her emotions finally catching up to her. The rest of the ghouls mourned the loss of the One-Eyed King and Ayato? He cried with Touka, but he cried silently. After the service, you two were buried together. The reason being "They couldn't be together when alive, but they can be together eternally in death."

It's been years since you both died. Touka and Kaneki finally got together. Kaneki became the new One-Eyed King. Things were changing, but what never changed was the anniversary of your deaths and how every ghoul would mourn on that day.

Kaneki had decided to get new pets one day. He wanted cats since they could take care of themselves really without him being there. It would get lonely whenever he and Touka were doing separate things. They both spoke about how if the other isn't there, they started to think about you and Kishou.

So to cure that, pets were brought up, specifically cats. Kaneki had wanted to get cats from a shop, but he noticed two that were strays and that got his attention. One was an orange tabby, and the other was a completely white cat. He had brought them home, and even though Touka got angry, she allowed him to keep them as long as they were trained.

Kaneki quickly learned that the white cat didn't really care what happened. He's never seen the cat play with any of the cat toys bought and didn't respond to any affection. Yet, this exact same cat was always behind the orange tabby. It took a protective and possessive stance around the other cat and would hiss whenever Kaneki or Touka got close to the orange tabby.

With the cat's attitude, Kaneki and Touka settled on calling the white cat Ari, a shorter version of Arima. The cat reminded them of Kishou, and even though it brought some tough emotions, it made them happy. It felt like Kishou never left.

The orange tabby was a little shy around random humans, but once it warmed up to people, it would show exactly how chaotic it was. A couple of times, Touka saw the orange tabby run into multiple walls while trying to run away from Kaneki. Kaneki has caught the orange tabby playfully fighting with Ari, who never truly attempted to play with the other, but dealt with it.

Kaneki called the orange tabby Teapot, it reminded him of Y/n and one thing that Kaneki always remembered about Y/n is the teapot laugh they had.

So what if they both died? They obviously resurrected, and found each other again, but also found Kaneki again. That was something Kaneki would constantly tell him so many times, but it helped him grieve. It also didn't help that whenever he had that thought, the Ari and Teapot would come out of nowhere and stare at him.

They never left, and they would never leave.

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coffyao · 1 month ago

Text

emotionless

link to my a03: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalaloopsyland

---

summary:

made a playlist for this: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0TvrAOVlHNdCEzRXI1flgE?si=qn3LB2m_Q36n5uMnsEFGCA

As a new investigator, you find yourself drawn to an enigmatic senior, developing a crush on the CCG reaper.

When I came to work for CCG, freshly graduated and only a rank 2 investigator – assigned to measly grunt work and tiresome office days – I would occasionally see him walk past. Sickly white hair, sharp specs and a stoic stare.

CCG’S reaper.

First-hand witness and instigator of bloodshed, for many, many years. Never flinched at the face of a terrifying ghoul characterized by the following: blood-shot crazed eyes, remorseless cannibalism and saw humans as running livestock, just for them to eat alive. there might have been the superstitious rumour roaming around that he was secretly a ghoul, but the main consensus rang true.

he was a one-of-a-kind genius.

Naturally, I was in awe of him.

a few weeks into my work, we exchanged words for the first time.

"welcome to the team," he said, his cold hands shaking my own.

His eyes were similar to his hair. dead, and devoid of any emotion.

So, my assumption was that he must have been numb to the gruesome killings that he had to deliver. This made me think of what I would need to do in the near future, and my heart, trembled in anxiety.

the thought of cold blood and ghoul guts running down my face made me shivery.

so naturally, I sympathised with him.

It was only a month later when I started being assigned for cases with him that I saw another side. With his quinque, he slaughtered a group of ghouls. They weren't overly threatening, being mere gang members who patrolled the street like hungry hyenas, and impersonated real power. nonetheless, he left no room for mercy, and once they surrounded us, the battle was over as soon as my pupils dilated from the sudden flash of light. when he finished delivering righteous retribution, he calmly wiped his quinque off with a napkin, saying nothing at all. but the message was clear enough.

He was disappointed that we didn't act sooner. it was worse than being openly reprimanded.

Naturally, I became nervous of him.

after witnessing that, I mostly kept to myself, but when it was time to act; I did, under his aloof, and calculated commands. much like The Queen on a chess board, he was in control of everything, and he was always twenty steps ahead. If my teams plan fell through, he was our black joker, a card that I started to become dependent on.

When I took a ghoul's life for the first time, I think, in his own way, comforted me by remarking how well I dealt the final blow to their skull.

"well done."

the mystical reaper that everyone talked about complimented me. after we finished the mission, I kept thinking about what he said, as unorthodox as it was.

naturally, I became curious about him.

He had a collection of books, in which varied from historical fiction to literary works containing many pages.

He told me he rarely read them these days anyway, so he lends a few to me. I noticed that he hadn't done this for anyone else, but I didn't want to assume anything beyond needing to get rid of them, as it was convenient enough to give it to the quietest one in the group. Despite preconceiving his intentions, I read most of the books he gave me, and it became my therapy when I started to have recurrent nightmares about the ghouls I've taken. They were coming to life to pull me down to their hellish grave with them.

When it became too much for my psyche, those nightmares slipped out like ice during a practice spar that we had. I didn't expect a sympathetic response, as I already knew the nature of our work.

But he stopped, and parted words that impacted my spirit.

"...the nightmares are temporary, but the cause your fighting for is permanent."

from there, I put my trust in him fully.

over the next couple of months, we dealt with cases both within Tokyo and outside of it, in which my own life was dangled as a carrot. however, like he accurately predicted, those nightmares became a few and far between. my soul became intertwined with this dangerous lifestyle, but it was worth it if it meant I could always fight alongside him.

There was one time where our team decided to make a pit-stop at a café. this was one we went to often, as it was quiet and didn't attract much attention due to its old exterior. while we made our orders, I realised that I had forgotten his first name. the persistent chaos that had ripped through the world made my memory fuzzy, plus, referring him as kishou was my way of respecting him and his authority. since he never corrected me, I assumed what I did was right.

but, I wanted to be closer to him.

when we finished our time at the cafe, and walked behind the others, I worked up the nerve to ask him. his reaction to my question wasn't what I expected.

"oh. is that why you have called me kishou this entire time?"

it was a split second, but his lips slightly curled, indicating a flash of amusement.

another first. I got to see him smile.

from then on, I wanted to see a thousand more.

outside of our schedules, I didn't know much about him.

the line of work that I carried out didn't allow many friends into my vacancy, so I spent many long weekends at home, counting the hours where I could finally return to work. I quickly realised that was unproductive, so I created a internal goal; learn about arima and what he likes.

when Friday evening came around, I finally had the opportunity to slip into his office. when I came, it always had a distinctive, bookish smell, with paperwork on his desk neatly layered, where it always stayed. I often wondered where he managed to find the time to clean up.

predictability, he was sat straight on his chair, and his computer screen covered half of his face. entering the room, I held a cup of americano, and brought to his desk, trying to sweeten the mood.

"I hope this is to your liking," I said.

"thank you," he responded, continuing to type away on his laptop.

when I thought about it, I don't think there ever had been a right time to approach him casually, as we were either working on a case, training or he had shut himself somewhere, in solitude and out of reach.

like those times, this was painfully true here, since he seemed to have no time for conversation.

but when I stood, tense and cogs turning as I tried to figure out how to even talk to him, he sensed my discomfort.

"is there anything you wanted to say?" turning his laptop away, so I could see him.

"...I wanted to know what you like eating."

he remain straight-faced, which made it harder to express myself.

"...but you seen me eat before, haven't you?" he inquired, sounding perplexed.

"No I meant...your favourite food."

although the question was dull, that was the only one I could think of as I felt his steely eyes on me, dissecting my motives.

"I don't have one," he states, and he goes back onto his laptop.

"but, if you want to try finding that for me, go ahead."

when he said that, that miniscule crumb of letting me in, I couldn't take that invitation lightly.

from then on, I started to make and bring food for him to try.

To destress from missions, I suggested to my team that we occasionally come together to play board games. It was my time to contribute, I bought a pack of card for tonight. We gathered snacks for the table, as well as alcohol if things became especially interesting.

I usually handled my alcohol well, but I couldn’t say the same for the other members. ten minutes into the game, one member kept asking if Arima could join, even though I explained that he didn’t want to.

I knew that because I asked him before I let the others know.

One or two glasses into the game, at the corner of the room, I noticed how intently he read his book. More than wanting to know what he was reading, I wanted to know what he was thinking, while reading it.

Is it engaging? Does he resonate with the characters? Is it escapism for the current world we live in? Is he amused, but on the inside?

While I was terrified of his eyes before, I wanted him to look at me more, analyse me. Judge me and acknowledge me.

Yet, he never lifted them once, even while the game became competitive, and we yelled over each other.

to be candid, when I yelled, it was a different reason from the rest.

I wanted him to pay attention to me.

While I usually handled myself with care, I underestimated the toll the missions had taken on my body - from the combination of fatigue, and the pressure to fulfil my work obligations, I had suddenly hit a wall. after fighting a ghoul with a unexpectedly strong kagune, I could no longer hold myself together and collapsed during the altercation.

When I woke up, IV attached to my arm and blanket covering my upper half - I was disappointed in myself; I couldn't meet arima's expectations. I wondered what he thought of me as I failed to hold my own - which also made me resent him at the same time.

But I wasn't allowed to stew in my thoughts for too long.

"...your awake."

his eyes were darker than usual, and his tie was loosened; his perfectionist edge was little to be seen. he sat at the edge of the sofa, which was rare, even for him. It was a pleasant contrast to the rigid composure I grew used to. nonetheless, facing him at my rawest was too emotional of a burden to bear, and I couldn't hold my front up.

"I-I couldn't keep up," I stuttered, putting my hands against my aching head, "I couldn't beat them."

"It's not about beating them," he replied, retaining the same emotionless expression, "its about knowing your limits."

"I-I know that," I said, my regret contorting into anger, needing to reason with myself and him, "but I wanted to try, I wanted to keep fighting."

"but your pushing yourself unnecessarily."

even though I've grown to appreciate his introversion, I've grown to abhor his robotic ways of dealing with me and everyone else. at that moment, resentment had become my voice.

"that's something you could at least try to understand, couldn't you?"

the silence followed by my outburst was deafening. Although he didn't say anything, his gaze slowly lowered towards my arm, then the IV. he seemed to be in introspection - I had no rebuttal to it. when he finally looked up at me, it was akin to someone who had been tired for a long time.

"...I do. which is why your priority should always be surviving, not winning."

he was still in mentor mode, and I hated it but, I found it strangely soothing.

"your life is my priority," he said, and the deadness in his eyes that always presented itself became livelier, another glint into someone who is human. He turned away, but as my heart thumped against my chest, I had finally confirmed it.

I have feelings for arima.

I only found this out in a passing conversation my teammate had with another. I didn't mean to gossip, but I pried, and they told me that it was in-fact, arima's birthday.

as close as I thought we started to become by his own standards - I was far from really knowing him. someone, who likely lived his life in secrecy, and kept everything within him - was also capable of hiding his birthday. when I found out more, the distance grew, and the questions never seemed to stop running out.

does he not care about his birthday? is the day painful for him? why did I have to find out from someone else?

ironically enough, I didn't even have that right to ask, since he never told me.

Maybe it would of just been worth letting it go - but that insistent nag wouldn't leave me. it was telling me I shouldn't leave this alone. I wanted to infiltrate his space and close myself in. I had to inspect the matter and give him something that could be of worth. something sweet - something like...

cake.

I went to the bakery in the afternoon - there were many choices.

red velvet, lemon drizzle, triple chocolate.

But I decided to go with a flavour befitting for him.

vanilla.

I had it wrapped in a white box, and when he was out, I left it on his desk. I wrote a paper note, which indicated that I knew - but there was no pressure. no grand gesture, no upcoming party. he could decide, all on his own.

"for you. I hope this is to your liking."

the day carried on as normal, but my nerves were tense. I waited, to see if he would acknowledge my deed, but he was indifferent. I wondered if I made a mistake.

However, as I packed my utilities up and went to my desk to check if I had missed anything - there was a small note stuck on top of it.

"you managed to find my favourite food."

palpitations filled my heart. I was on the right track.

whether our relationship stilled as mentee and mentor or it evolved into something more, I was grateful.

his acknowledge became my fuel.

a year has already past, and I've begun to see a unexpected change.

after his birthday, he's been giving more and more parts of himself.

affiliation with the CCG since his teens. eighteen years as a investigator. his burdensome but fulfilling responsibilities. the inevitability of loss. I've yet to know about his formative years, but his musings suggested that it must have been difficult.

he only opened up when the sun disappeared, and the sky became tangerine. like wax, he melted, but when the next day came, he hardened. However, that was more than fine. I took these private moments as his way of connecting with me, and I listened. I absorbed it into my skin.

I've also noticed something else.

when we sparred -

it was usually with sharp, and deadly tenacity. recently, i sensed that within our exchanges of our weapons clashing against each other, there was a undercurrent of something electrifying brewing. occasionally, there would be times where he would let me gain the upper hand on purpose, and when I took as much advantage as possible, he pushed back - just enough to give me room to exceed my limitations.

there was one time he had me stuck against the wall - quinque pierced through, and inches away from my face. rather than being uneasy - I was exhilarated by the adrenaline that pumped through me, secretly concocting on what I could next to blindsight him.

I've observed him to the point where I could notice hints of playfulness when we fought - with every "move faster," there was a "you surprised me." with every "you need to focus," there was a "not bad at all."

if anything, I could take what I can get.

when I sat with him on the same sofa, I was bed-ridden on and he talked about his wishes on what he wanted the world to become - I slid my palm onto his hand, hoping to at least sooth his worries. I noticed his eyes linger on me longer than usual, so I pulled my hand back, hoping to rectify the confusion I've caused.

he resumed, but it was hard to stop my thoughts from going to...

unsanitary places.

could I live like this forever, just being content working by his side?

I felt more unsure as the days lingered on...

---

the only place where I could reflect on my own thoughts was at the top of the building - the rooftop. From there - I could look down at the city from a birds-eye view, where it made all kinds of noise, and the sun radiated above me - giving me momentary clarity on what to do next.

The rooftop was calling for me.

As I ran up the stairs and stepped outside, dark grey clouds loomed above me. There, at the edge of it, stood arima, the impending storm surrounding his figure. excitement surged within me, letting me know how long I've been waiting for this moment.

could this be the day?

drizzle started falling from the sky as I slowly approached him from behind, putting my hand on his shoulder.

when he turned, surprise flickered across his face.

"what are you doing here?"

his voice was steady yet laced with curiosity.

"I just wanted some quiet time..." I lied, regretting it as soon as it left my lips.

the rain began to fall heavier, turning arima into that of an ethereal angel instead of a reaper, his hair becoming damp, and droplets running down his face. between him, and the city that illuminated below, it was a sign that I had to listen to.

"...I don't believe you." he said, skepticism or perhaps, a challenge being hinted through his tone.

"why not?"

"because I can see your restlessness," narrowing his eyes, analysing the unspoken language in my body.

"why would I be restless?" I countered, stepping closer, indignance running through my veins.

"because your hiding something."

so he could tell. he could tell this entire time.

I tethered between the wash of relief, and the hurricane of panic, as my layers are forcibly peeled off, by only the sharpness of his words.

"...what's there to hide?" I admitted, the viscosity between the water uncomfortably sticking against my skin, and what I planned to say next.

"...maybe I just wanted to find you."

his analytical mind usually had something of substance to say, but for the first time - he looked to be in a state of genuine perplexity, akin to when a system undergoes downtime.

Only when the rain starts to downpour at rapid rates, does he manage to say, "it's getting too heavy. let's go inside."

as we walked down the stairs, any fear I had about the silence between us was overwritten by the resolution that had settled in my mind.

once we made it into his office, I called out to him.

"...arima."

the boundaries that were delicately in place before, I wanted to tear them into pieces.

"I can't hide what I feel for you anymore."

instead of sitting in his seat, he leaned over on his desk and his eyes settled on me, unwavering in the face of my sudden admission.

"...what is it that you feel?" he questioned, as if searching for confirmation.

I became braver, attuned to the difference between his previous indifference, and this slight opening for vulnerability.

"your an observant person, you could already tell long ago, haven't you?"

I held my breath, carefully gauging any change to his face, anything that could indicate cracks to his intricately crafted persona. I continued.

"I wouldn't risk our professional relationship, if I didn't think this was worth it,” intentionally appealing to his cautious nature, closing in on our gap.

his resolve seemed to be weakened, remaining tight-lipped, but visibly struggling under the emotional impact of my confession.

" So please, tell me. do you know what I feel? for you?"

I finally said it out loud. everything that I've experienced, what I've felt, and the unexplainable tension that I could hardly put a finger on.

it's simmered beneath the surface, and now it's imploded on me, and hopefully, him.

if he will allow me in.

"...I know. I know what you feel." his voice was low, almost a whisper, taking in the air between us.

it was as if we were in our own world, raindrops thumping against the glass like a synchronised melody. it was simply the backdrop - it was waiting for the chorus. I almost leaned in, the desire becoming insuperable to stop, but it was interrupted -

"is it just you, here?" he muttered, breaking the spell that I was under.

"I-I think so."

He reiterated his question, "did you see anyone, prior to you coming here?"

"I-I think..." wavering against his intense stare, wondering if I had truly made the wrong choice.

when I managed to finally look him in the eye, his hesitation seemed to settle, becoming more confident in his decision. in his own way, this must of been confirmation some way or another...

"that's good enough," he said, and before I could digest his answer, he caresses my cheek with his hands. they felt warm despite the dampness of his skin. As he started leaning in, I could sense his apprehensiveness, despite the want in his eyes.

I decided to lean as well - pressing my lips against his - albeit clumsy, but all the same, what I've needed for so long.

as our kiss deepened, his hesitation started to dissolve and I became enveloped in our connection, the collision of our worlds - it was coming together in this union. but I was desperate, and he was affected by the same affliction. He pulled my face to his, and I responded by climbing over the desk - pulling his face to mine. I held onto his lapels, dragging him in until I was laid on it.

he took off his jacket and resumed with his attack - his hands moving towards my waist, with my body flourishing against his gentle touch. I was under a state of pure euphoria - I visualized this moment many times to the point that it became maladaptive - but now that it was coming alive - couldn't I indulge in it?

it was a domino effect - my skin became his canvas, decorating my throat with long, searing kisses - marking it as his own paint. I was enriched by his artistry.

It wasn’t until the rain stopped and the sun peeked out from behind the building that he paused his painting, whispering, "...what you feel, I feel it too," looking at me for one tender moment before letting me go.

whatever we were meant to be after that, at least I knew, that he wasn't truly emotionless.

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