#kirkwalmart

[ruiningsalads]

Happy Friday!! For the DA2 crew, any who would fit the prompt/make it the most hilarious. If this so inspires you for the Kirk-Walmart AU. "If I got paid enough to make the policies, I would not be here arguing with you about them."

we're creating brands now for my unhinged AU. for @dadrunkwriting "This is ridiculous!" The woman threw down a box of Eamon and Teagan's Hearty Oatmeal. "These prices are outrageous! How can you live with yourself?"

Marian raised an eyebrow at the battered box on the counter between them. "Paycheck to paycheck, usually."

The irate customer spluttered, "What?"

"Is there something I can actually help you with, or did you just want to yell at me over a twenty cent increase on name-brand oatmeal?" Marian lifted the box with two fingers and dropped it into a restock basket next to her.

She watched as the woman seemed to inflate with rage, her eyes flicking down to Marian's name tag. "We'll see what your corporate office thinks about your customer service, Carver." And she stormed off.

[saladruiner]

for anyone interested, I would like to present a series of short drabbles for a crack Dragon Age AU set in a grocery store: Kirkwalmart. this started over on my writing blog @ruiningsalads as part of DADWC. I have no excuse for any of it, but it makes me laugh and I hope you’ll laugh, too.

[bitch-of-the-wilds]

Dragon Age 2: Abridged

You start the game and as you're running 🏃‍♂️💨 away from the Zombi- I mean Darkspawn, the very first thing that happens is one of your 2 younger siblings fucking dies. ⚰️💀🥀(RIP Carver)

Then there's a dragon 🐉 which is awesome! But also: fuck, there's a dragon and you're level 1. But wait, now the dragon's an old lady who you swear sounds familiar. 🧙‍♀️ But she won't teach you how to become a dragon, so who cares.

Anyway, your mother cradles your sibling's cooling corpse to her chest and blames you for their death because you're the oldest and (somehow⁉️) you were supposed to protect them from the massive 5-ton ogre and stop it from crushing their rib cage like a gerbil in the hands of a vindictive toddler. 🐹

It's mentioned in passing that "At least they're with father now," and oh, yeah, guess your dad is dead too.

Surprise! Welcome to Dragon Age: 2 -The game where the plot is made up and your feelings don't matter. 🎆🎇

After you finally escape the fuckin 🍭🔥Candy Land from Hell🔥🍭: you're sold into servitude (see also: slavery) to pay your way into the city because your drunkard of an uncle has gambled away every penny of wealth your family ever had, including the house (and the dog too, but don't worry, there's DLC for that 🐕)

Then, after a year of smuggling and/or shady mercenary work for the dickheads that hold your leash, you're still broker than a ramen-filled Millenial with an undergrad degree in psychology, so you have to go into the Deep Roads to find your fortune.

Do you take your only remaining sibling with you into one of the most dangerous places in Thedas? Or do you leave them in Kirkwall, an almost equally as dangerous place, without even little ole' you there to protect them or your aged, decrepit, spiteful mother (who still kinda hates you for letting your sibling die)?

📱VOTE NOW ON YOUR PHONES! 📱

The kicker is that NO MATTER WHICH CHOICE YOU MAKE, you still lose your sibling! They're taken by the Chantry, (the ⭕Circle/⛑️Templars) if you leave them at home, and if you take them with you, they fucking DIE.

Oh, UNLESS you brought that one edgy, possessed, fugitive Gray Warden you met in the ass end of Darktown with you. Then they don't die. Instead, they themselves are given to the Gray Wardens to try and save them from 🤎😩The Taint 😩🤎 who then disappear back into the Deep Roads for 3 fucking years. IN FACT you don't even know if your fucking sibling LIVES or DIES until Shit City winds up on fucking 🔥FIRE🔥 and they just happen to run into you while you're up to your tits in body organs.

And also that one edgy Gray Warden rebel, Anders -who you actually kinda like, even if he is a whiney bitch, happens to stay on with you because you helped him kill his ex boyfriend (*Micky Mouse voice* it's a special tool that will help us later!🎁)

Oh, and let's not forget that Grand Adventure where your ancient ass mom 🤶 is kidnapped by a Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs serial murderer and then canabalized into a semi-living sex doll 🧟‍♀️(that smells a bit like formaldehyde under the stench of rotting old lady flesh) just because she happens to look a little bit like the dude's dead FWB/wife. 👩‍❤️‍👨

So, when you finally fucking find her -buried under a cesspool of blood, shit and demons (where else?)- you obviously have to kill the dork-ass, serial-killing, LITERAL MOTHERFUCKER who took her.

But OOPS! His blood magic🩸 was the only thing keeping her build-a-bitch body alive, so naturally it disperses as he death-rattles on the floor.🤮

She only lives long enough to say her last regret is leaving you alone in 🗡️ Murder City™️ 🗡️ by yourself before she fucking DIES IN YOUR ARMS in front of your sad ass friends and probably your love interest.

Speaking of which, I hope you didn't dick-down the pirate 🏴‍☠️ then fuck around and find out you caught feelings and shit, cause she straight up leaves your ass to skip town on bail with a Super Special Book. 📖

And god forbid you romanced Fenris because his broody ass just ups and leaves you after a mediocre as fuck one night stand, leaving you with Lyium-blue balls. 🧪 Oh, did I mention that it took 3 fuckin YEARS of courting to get him to into bed? 🛌 But at least he stays with you, helping kill bitches and whatnot, casually twisting that little knife in your heart an inch at a time because he has enough emotional baggage 🎒👜🧳🛍️ to sink a fucking naval armada to the bottom of the Boeric ocean. 🆘⛵🛥️🛳️⛵🚢🛥️🆘

But the fun doesn't stop there! No, no! Because while you may have lost your entire family -i.e. your mother, father and both baby siblings- and potentially your love interest 💔 (You can keep your shitty drunken uncle tho lmfao), that doesn't matter cause we're not done with our field trip through hell just yet kiddies. 🚎 Beep beep, bitch.

So, what's next on 💥Apocalypse Bingo?💥 Oh, that's right, you gotta stop the invading force of massive roid-raging dragon-people with kick ass horns, and their leader just decapitated the king👑 in front of you.

Also they burned 🗑️Trash Town🗑️ to the ground and you have to pick of the pieces of your shitty city. Again.

And after you've done that, after you've done what all the king's horses 🐎🐎🐎 and all the king's men🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️ couldn't fucking do, you're awarded the title of Champion because no good deed goes unpunished!

Yay! You're the savior of Shit City! Hooray. 💩

✨🌟⭐ But wait! There's more! ⭐🌟✨

That one Glowy Red bitch you've seen around the Gallows when you're not ogling Cullen's noodle hair is pissy at Skeletor the Secret Blood Mage. Time to play peace keeper.

It doesn't go well. They're both still assholes. 🤷🤷‍♂️🤷‍♀️

Oh but, remember Anders? The edgy Gray Warden dude? The one who hears voices in his head, but swears it's just his 👻☄️Spirit Friend☄️👻 The one who you kinda like?

He needs to go grocery shopping. For... cookie ingredients. 🍪

Here's the list: 📜

-Mushrooms 🍄

-Literal, actual shit 💩

-Sulfur 💨

-Amonium Nitrate 🔥

-Other shit, this time metaphorical🚫💩

Okay, weird request, right? But he did help you kill some hoes and give you the map to the Deep Roads which may or may not have gotten your sibling killed, so you owe him one, right? And, well, maybe you kinda like this edgy weirdo who occasionally turns blue when he's mad 👺, so you're willing to do him a solid.

Well, turns out that trip to Kirkwalmart wasn't for ingredients to Anders' fav cookies.

It was actually

⚡💥💣☢️A FUCKIN NUKE☢️💣💥⚡

which he uses to blown up the church ⛪ which happens to be in the city 🌇 your pathetic ass spent 6 years Humpty Dumpty-ing🍳 killing a few hundred innocent people and probably at least one or two dogs🐶💀🐶 so either way he's a fuckin dildo.

Oh, and that kicks off World War Thedas, and the FBI 🚔 thinks you're responsible, so you have to leave your Shit City and lay low.

But you got to meet Varric so it was worth it. 👍

Probably.

[ruiningsalads]

Hap fri!!! For some Kirkwallmart AU, probably with Isabela & Bethany (or another Produce worker she can corrupt), ""Life gave us lemons, so we made lemonade and we spiked that shit with vodka and gin." - As a Villain by Dallas Thornton" (from the Yellow prompts)

this one is kind of loosey goosey but I think I like this ship dynamic! a drabble for @dadrunkwriting

Bethany glanced up from where she was diligently arranging a new shipment of bananas. "Hello, Isabella. Taking your break?"

"Nope. It's dead over there, so I thought I'd come see if Orsino still has a stick up his ass." Isabella leaned on the banana display with her elbows and propped her head on her hands. "Since you haven't stopped working for a single second since I've been here, I'm guessing the answer is 'yes'."

"We had three call offs this morning and we're running behind. I have a lot to do." She was flushed, with her hair slowly falling out of its tie.

"Ah yes, because the customers will riot if the bananas aren't perfectly organized."

"Look, I don't tell you how to do your job, so don't tell me how to do mine," Bethany snapped.

"Oh, sweet thing, I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job. I'm just saying that maybe you shouldn't care so much, with how little we get paid." Isabella straightened up. "Now, why don't you take your break and I can show you how I arrange all those liquor bottles?"

Bethany's flush deepened for an entirely different reason then.

[ruiningsalads]

Thinking KirkWall-Mart thoughts with '"I'm done trying to make this work." from the angst prompts haha, could be for Fenris in the frozen section??

hahahaha a dramatic drabble for @dadrunkwriting of my unhinged AU

"I'm so tired of this." Fenris sat with his head in his hands, despair in every line of his body. "No matter what I try, it isn't enough. What else am I supposed to do?"

He received no answer, not that he expected one. He knew better after all these years. His hands dropped as he raised his head to glare at the broken freezer unit before him.

The thing had been on the fritz for several months, but he'd always managed to fix it. Until now. No matter what he tried, it wouldn't cool; it simply blew warm air.

It was the antithesis of the frozen department.

Dejectedly, he locked and tagged the freezer doors, then walked away.

[ruiningsalads]

DADWC KIRK-WALMART. Maybe something with Varric/Cassandra and "Forget my number, we're through."

ok so this wasn't a dynamic I had taken into account for this AU yet. this wasn't exactly the prompt but I'm dying over what I've turned Bianca into. more of my insanity for @dadrunkwriting

"I'm telling you, unless you want to clean some kid's pee out of the changing room carpet, you're better off here." Varric leaned against the shelf Marian was restocking. He was nice enough not to comment on her less-than-perfect adherence to FIFO, but she felt his judgment all the same.

"Surely there can't be that much pee in the carpet." Varric shuddered. "So much pee, Hawke." She snorted. "Fine. I'll keep looking." After a moment, she asked, "How are things with you and Cassandra?"

He flinched. "Ah, that. Well...she may have broken up with me."

Marian nearly dropped the can of Bhelen's Baked Beans she was holding. "What?"

"I guess she thought Bianca wasn't real, but then she came over to my apartment --"

"Your girlfriend broke up with you over a body pillow?"

"She thought it was weird," he sighed. "It's not like it does any harm. Bianca's been with me through too much for me to get rid of her."

"I still think it's creepy that you talk about a pillow that way."

"I think your goth boyfriend is creepy, but I guess we all have our faults."

"My goth boyfriend has a pulse," Marian retorted, tossing the empty bean box into her restock cart. "And he has a big --"

"Look at the time! I'll see you later, Hawke." Varric hurried away. "I was going to say heart," she lied to herself.

[ruiningsalads]

happy friday, I am still laughing about "kirk-walmart", so how about Hawke helping Merrill in floral, maybe with a 'language of flowers' inspired order?

-inquisimer

thank you for enabling me. I used this site for flower meanings. more insanity for @dadrunkwriting

"What exactly did you need my help with, again?" Marian looked down at the order sheet. "What does this mean? Merrill, did you take this order?"

"Of course I did!" Merrill chirped, retrieving a vase and setting it on the work table. "Why, is something wrong?"

Marian looked between Merrill and the order sheet several times. "Well, it just says, 'flowers from cheating husband'. What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Ooh, but that's so easy!"

She flitted about the department in her non-slip shoes, plucking flowers from displays and arranging them in the vase. "You start with geraniums to represent his mistake, bluebells for humility, roses and baby's breath for love -- "

"What about this one?" Marian pointed at a black-eyed Susan. "These are pretty."

Merrill frowned. "Oh, no, not for this. Those always remind me of Anders, though..."

"So what did you need my help for?" Marian looked around at the impeccable floral department.

"I didn't actually need your help with the flowers," Merrill admitted sheepishly. "But...since you're here...does Carver like flowers?"