#kinda. im still scared of Other People as it's very much a me project

[california-112]

Talk Week: Source Sunday

What inspirations did you draw from for your WIP

Oh, so many! Of course, for the fanfic sections, the source material is the biggest inspiration, but for the original sections, there has been a lot of research and rabbit holes involved.

The principle inspiration for my writing on this project has always been real life. As a fan of true history books, it has always astounded me the amount of impossible or ridiculous sounding stories which actually happened- you couldn't write most of them! I deliberately try not to make my stores too literal to the truths that I read, but instead mix elements to create something of an echo.

My own experiences also make up some of my source material. I seem to have had a lot to do with aviation, and adding the little details that ordinary research might not uncover, frequently for being too mundane or well-known within aviation circles, add to the authenticity, and give it a more specialist feel. Sometimes I worry that my work is too specialist- but then I remember that I'm writing principally for me, not for a publisher or other audience, so I can do what I like!

I'm always looking for more inspiration for stories, so read a lot of books around the subjects I write about, and visit museums and historical sites to give myself a better idea of the settings. I'll never be done learning about this subject- and likely never be done writing about it, either.

That concludes the talk week! This has been great fun for me, diving into my main character and his world, and I hope that you have enjoyed reading about my insanity. Thank you to @amaralionelli for the prompt list, it was a brilliant template to talk around! Until the next challenge...

[genderqueerdykes]

is it bad to be scared to start hrt?

i feel a little ashamed that i am. i try my hardest to be positive about all the things that make men & mascs masculine. i try to appreciate the parts that arent valued by society, like male pattern baldness, being fat, hairiness (love that part especially lol), etc.

but im 15, and i go back and fourth over whether or not i want to start testosterone. i had terrible cystic acne before i started acne medication, i have male pattern baldness on my dads side etc. im not a binary trans guy, so i kinda doubt ill be on it forever anyway if i DO wind up doing it, but its really scary to be told all the stuff that WILL make me a man when im… just a boy. that feels infantalizing but i suppose its true. im scared to be a man admittedly, im angry i never got to have a “true” boyhood because in currently at that age, and im scared of being thrust into it after not getting to be one. theres so much stuff about becoming “ugly” after starting testosterone. i know thats not true, logically, but ive faced so much bullying for not being pretty enough as an afab that i guess i still have that vanity embedded within me.

i feel ashamed for it, do you have any advice?

no, absolutely not- i think it's super reasonable to be scared to start HRT. it's a huge change, it affects your body and mentality in many different ways. it's a lot to take on at once especially considering there are permanent effects if taken for long enough at a high enough dose

i get why you'd be worried at that age. i didn't start HRT until i was in my early 20s. i think its okay to give yourself some time, especially considering you have some concerns about it potentially affecting your health. it would be ideal to find a way to get your blood tested for a few things- liver enzymes, red blood cell count, estrogen and testosterone levels, and so on. if you can't do that, it's understandable. i know it's not easy for someone your age to get a ride to a place like that discretely

is it possible to contact your dermatologist about your acne and see if they would be able to weigh in on that? baldness is a tricky thing. some people do bald but really late in life. some people don't. a lot of transmascs have their hairline recede by a few inches and then it usually stops. the nice thing about hair loss is there are medications that work very well that can help mitigate that. gender affirming care specialists or other doctors who prescribe testosterone are usually aware of the effects on scalp hair, and usually they'll help you test for high blood pressure, any issues like that

honestly i get where you're coming from here. i've seen this way too many times. people get pissed off about someone being a type of trans they don't like so they just bully the person until they consider detransitioning or never start transition at all, and then continue to mock and harass them anyway. i see this all the damn time and it bugs me like why would you do that to someone. who cares

people think it's ok to bully trans men & mascs right now because of all of the transandrophobia and antimasculism in general. testosterone doesn't make anyone "ugly", people are projecting their hatred of men and mascs on to a hormone that almost everyone produces naturally. it's just hateful senseless bullying. people think the younger the trans man/boy/masc is, the more valid they are to bully them.

it's okay to identify as a boy for as long as you need. you actually never have any obligation to adopt the label man if it doesn't fit you. many people identify as boys instead of men. some people are guys and not men. it's okay some people find they have to take their time to transition from boy to man. you're only 15 you are still a child, you don't have to worry about being a man for quite a while

it's definitely okay to feel conflicted and confused here. if you're able to, take time to yourself where you shut all that noise from other people out. if you're able to just ask yourself a few questions like why do i identify as a boy, what about it makes me happy, what kinds of things do i want to do in transition. just try to get a feel for what's going on so it makes it hard for people to get in your head

remember that when people attack you like this they're projecting something they deeply hate about themselves on to you. my therapist told me that last week and i thought i would just relay that. it's alright to be affected by it, but they really are just being assholes. it's good to be a trans man/boy/masc. transmasculinity is good. testosterone is good. testosterone saved my life. i'm glad to get up in the morning every day because i at least look and sound like myself. i love my body. i love the way i look. i'm stronger. i stand taller. my face is the right shape. my voice sounds right.

life is good

i hope you found any of this helpful. good luck, it's okay to feel guilt or shame for a bit. i did NOT want to come out as FtM for a VERY long time it was hard. i get it. take care of yourself, let me know if you have any more questions

[libbytwq]

hey can i be sappy for a moment, i feel like getting a thing off my chest (positive vent)

I love you all in the SMG4 Tumblr community so much. Y'all are absolutely epic and amazing and so creative and just. chill.

I've always been so nervous about joining set fandoms/fandom communities, cuz usually the community is huge and overwhelming, toxic, scary, crazy, and the idea of being in those communities and interacting with people in those communities and being in there not just to post a dingle fanart from it and dip, but to help be a big part of the community and whatnot sounded... overwhelming.

Then I slowly began getting super hyperfixated on SMG4, much more than I usually am, leading me to post more about it. Fanart, things I notice, goofy theories... more than just me saying a couple things i like about it, posting a fanart, then moving onto something else.

I started kinda just exploring the SMG4 tags and gradually, I began recognizing most of the people in this community more and more -- recognizing art styles, etc. I noticed how small a community it was.

And it was a mostly chill community. I wasn't really seeing much drama or questionable things, maybe some criticisms about the show or theories or whatever, but nobody was at each others throats. Plus, the fan OCs were super neat.

I had begun posting more and more SMG4 content, drawing fanart, their OCs, and the fact people were so just... chill and welcoming about it was so nice. It wasn't nearly as scary -- we are all just vibing here. Most of the artists you look up to will probably see your work, and give it attention too.

It feels super strange to be considered an SMG4 Tumblr artist, having people literally enjoying the things I make and making things for me when they make things for SMG4 fanartists... its honestly super surreal. But so so exciting and euphoric.

Cuz yall are so awesome!! Yall make my day so bright. Yall are the best.

I'll be honest, when I first was slowly being a part of the SMG4 community -- sometime right after summer vacation began -- I had been dealing with some petty but difficult irl person issues.

I don't want to get into it too much, but I had basically messed up in a pretty bad way (enough to make me feel bad the moment I did it, but not enough that we couldn't move on and mature from it), and the people involved were hurt worse than I thought they were, and instead of trying to talk it out they resorted lying about being my friends for months before school ended, and over summer break, tried to cancel one of my Scratch account and drag my followers there into drama that they had no business being in, for the simple reason being "you don't deserve all that fame".

Despite their attempt at trying to cancel me not really working out very well, it very much affected me negatively and made me very very scared about using Scratch again. I still post projects there sometimes, but i felt weird when i do it. I felt like those people were watching my every move, waiting to try and drag me down again. It felt so strange and scary to feel like the people I once cared so deeply about are breathing down my neck, waiting for me to make another wrong move and add it to their proof of why I'm an awful person.

It sucks ass.

The SMG4 community here on Tumblr, despite none of you knowing I was going through anything at all, you all helped a lot. Just existing.

Being a welcoming community that I feel safe to be silly and normal in.

I've never been the best at expressing appreciation, but let me just say:

I think of you all so highly and I never want you to change.

Keep making silly art. Or fanfics. Or AUs. Or OCs. Or whatever you like doing in this tiny close-knit fandom.

Keep doing everything you're doing to make this community mean so much to me.

❤️❤️❤️

...this sounds like im leaving the community,, IM NOT I just wanted to get it off my chest cuz ive been experiencing the emotions™ yknow, sorry that its not like my regular posts lol, im not gonna post like this much LMAOOO

TL;DR: yall are fuckin awesome please keep being awesome forever and ever ily bye

[oceanwithouthermoon]

i always considered saiki aro, but you make me really rethink with kubosai. .

THATS SO LOVELY, i know you didnt ask but.. im going to take this opportunity to talk a little about my stance on kubosai and saiki's sexuality.. i mean i have talked about it multiple times but still, lots of people dont see what i see in these things sooo im gonna keep talking about it lol..

(under the cut cuz i made this WAYYY longer than i meant to, sorryyyy..)

i still see saiki as aroace personally !! just not romance repulsed aroace, rather just on the aroace spectrum.. i think hes the type of person to use 'queer' and 'aroace' as umbrella terms for himself instead of caring about specific labels, but if i had to, i would say he fits best with demi based on my interpretation.. (i usually see him as with no preference, but based on the text its easy to see him as having a preference for men too..)

i do get why people would see him as romance repulsed and its a lovely hc, but i see saiki as mlm, at least in the way i interpreted it.. i mean, he almost straight up says he has a crush on satou in the manga.. its great if people interpret it as a 'squish,' but i personally dont see that,, he kinda blatantly threw them in a romance chart together, blushes every time he sees him, etc. HOWEVER aroace people who relate in some way and project their experiences onto saiki will ALWAYS be valid, so i dont care !! i literally do that lmfao im an aroace lesbian,,

anyway, saiki has a lot of silly tsundere moments that lots of people who dont really look at the show past surface level (and usually dont read the manga) see as him literally hating his friends, family, romance, etc when its very much shown how hes being a tsundere and he LOVES his friends, family, AND romance.. (canonically loves romance not as in he definitely experiences romantic attraction, but as in he just is weirdly into love stories and such but wont admit it lmao, i talk about that chapter where he gets obsessed with those strangers love story he saw with psychometry but its just so good lol..) so i think that misinterpretation is where a lot of the discourse in this fandom comes from, like people who think he GENUINELY hates teruhashi ? they r literally best friends he cares about her so much..

kubosai is a ship i started loving, not really from seeing their canon interactions, but from analyzing the characters in the manga and seeing who i think would actually fit together and have a good dynamic..

im very weak for characters who are ashamed of their dark past, afraid of their own strength and that they might hurt the people they love, scared to tell their loved ones their secrets, etc.. and kuboyasu and saiki fit the bill perfectly, so i looked at them and immediately thought BOOM what if they were in love..

their dynamic is fun, even though we didnt get a lot of canon interactions.. theyre so similar yet SO different at the same time..

they both have pretty tragic pasts and family lives, both VERY protective of their friends and family and would do anything for them, both have bad coping mechanisms (mostly refusing to acknowledge that anything is really wrong at all), etc.. and yet, theyre almost opposites in the way they actually carry themselves..

saiki appears apathetic at all times in front of others even though his internal monologue or how he expresses himself when hes alone can be really emotional.. kuboyasu is pretty happy all the time even though he has pretty thinly veiled anger about half the time..

kuboyasu is just a human boy who was taught to take up as much space as possible for his survival, defend himself with his fists, honesty and loyalty and trust are essential, etc, while saiki is an almost-god whose upbringing taught him to try his best to take up NO space at all for his survival, dont get involved unless its from afar, dont get close with anyone, dont trust anyone, etc..

saiki prefers to protect his people from in the shadows, going as far as to literally stalk them to make sure theyre okay without their knowledge, while kuboyasu is unafraid to show how much he cares and prefers to literally come out swinging to protect his people.. put them together and you get two silly guys who will literally protect the other with their life despite knowing damn well that theyre both fully capable of protecting themselves..

kuboyasu is also like.. one of the only people in the cast other than saiki who can be like.. a voice of reason sometimes.. he would be so good for saiki and would make damn sure he knows when hes being irrational or dramatic (because cmon, its saiki.. hes such a drama queen all the damn time..) and i just think he needs that in his life..

yasu would reign saiki in when it comes to his everyday dramatics, and in turn saiki would reign yasu in when it comes to his over the top romance standards (and probably his anger issues and overreactions too..) and yet at the same time they would take comfort in each others silliness.. saiki may be like "we cant just drop out and get married, thats not how it works" but isnt it so refreshing for him to have someone that cares about him so unconditionally ?? unlike his own family ?? itd scare him at first, but hed make yasu tone it down to a healthier extent and itd become soo comfortable..

[stardustcleaningguy]

ok im back to rant abt more saverem twins autism things :P

in my last post (which if you havent seen, was me reblogging @dragons1re ‘s post about the plant powers as a metaphor for autism/autistic traits) i didnt really go into much detail about knives because i was a little too focussed in the fact there is another autistic vash truther out there .. but im gonna talk abt knives now.

like i said before i dont necessarily think that knives has enough control over his outbursts to really be completely proud of them, but also when you are the person known for having regular outbursts and are considered ‘dangerous’ or ‘weird’ by neurotypical society, it begins to become a part of how you view yourself as a person (or at least thats how it was for me as a kid - a lot of my autism hcs are based directly off my own experiences). i mean this in the way that once you have that impression established of you - that you are strange and offputting and scary - its very hard to overcome the perception of others and seem ‘normal’ and so you just kinda give up, and accept your role.

this is how knives’ behaviour appears to me, from an early age people have this perception that hes hard to deal with and has big outbursts of emotion which he struggles to control - and even when he DOES learn more ways to control it, he still refuses to mask because hes continuing to play into the general perception of him by neurotypical (aka human) society. he lets his emotions control him because he doesnt see any point in masking - i mean what would it change if he did try and act normal? the humans already know hes a dangerous monster freak right? i was only able to change from this mindset because my environment and the people around me changed but because of the magnitude of knives’ actions hes unable to do this - until the very end when he finds humans that dont just see him as a dangerous creature but an actual person who just wants safety for him and his brother (but then he gets appled so …)

also im not really saying that knives thinks of himself as a monster, he just knows that humans have that impression of him and instead of trying way too hard to appear normal like vash, he leans more into the role of ‘weird dangerous monster’. hes super scared of humans (the same way an autistic person may become fearful of neutotypical society because of the way they have been treated within it) so thats another reason why he has this whole im super dangerous and evil thing going on even though he spends most of his time napping. top 10 people comitted to the bit

idk this rant MIGHT have gotten a little too tangent-y and i MIGHT be projecting onto knives just a teensy little bit but it was fun to write so wuteva !!!!!!!! (also all of this is specifically discussing trigun maximum - i luuuuv maximum)

[sophaeros]

i just HAVE to talk to someone about this but what do we think about the song scared….? do you think it’s about julian? or maybe albert wrote it about himself?? either way, the way you hear julian’s voice towards the end make me go insane!

I FUCKING LOVEEEE SCARED IT'S SO GOOD IT DRIVES ME INSANE i always read it as directed towards julian but directed to himself is CRAZY.

You know that something inside of you Still plays a part in what I do Always, I'm here for you

this always reminds me of this les inrockuptibles 2020 quote

"I'll tell you something," says Fab. "When I played the first Machinegum stuff to Nick (Valensi - editor's note), he put his finger on something. He said, 'I'll never be able to listen to your music, or the music of any of us, without thinking about how I could have influenced it.'"

which makes me SICK to my STOMACH. and then this verse

I think that if we were all we had That's more than most people ever have Anyway, oh anyway, you can stay here

makes me think of this 2023 albert interview with the guardian

“Yeah, I knew very quickly,” he says. “There was something very special about all of us together, even early on. The universe moved when we were all together in a certain way. Like a Rubik’s Cube that gets unlocked. You either find it or you don’t. I always felt that was unique.”

LIKE. ok i said i read it as directed to julian but i think it could also be kinda wrapped up in the band too which makes sense bc to me their relationship is always gonna be intertwined w that of the band. if that makes sense.

anyway lyrically this song destroys me like what the fuck is "so close we played it as if we cared" LIKE WHY WOULD YOU SAY THATTTTTTT IM GONNA FALL TO MY KNEES......i wish we had official lyrics for julian's lines at the end (he sounds soo fucking gorgeous btw so sad hes so buried in the mix) it sounds to me like "don't push me away / [they'll/don't] get it wrong" (less sure about that second line) which is AGONISING. WHAT DID HE MEAN BY THIS.

also can i just say im so in love w the chorus and ending kicking in. so ethereal and perfect

ok ANYWAY tinhatting time. honestly it's soo hard to piece together any kind of timeline or characterisation of their rs bc theyre not really as blatant about it as some other rpf ships..not counting one way trigger. also im not smart enough to have a concrete analysis of this song. i kinda read it as like, something something the strokes staying together and not branching out despite them clearly being really dysfunctional?? like being afraid to break whatever kind of shaky balance they'd managed to find. and the song is kind of a love letter to them in light of that. but also this is a very shaky interpretation ok idk what im talking about

albert was the first to do solo stuff outside of the strokes and they urhh well theyve been supportive of one another's side projects but at the beginning.......rock & folk april 2011 ->

Nick: "We never made this much money as for the FIOE tour. When we were recording, Albert tried to make us listen to some of his solo project. I think he was disappointed by our reaction and he never talked about it again. Nikolai kept his secret. For Little Joy, I was with Fab in LA when they were writing and recording the album. I played the drums for them.”

theres a lot of push and pull in this song..you can also narrow your focus from the strokes generally to just albert and julian (bc tbh a lot of strokes/adjacent songs can be read both ways and in fact i think a lot of the time theyre best read as being about both the band and albert/julian's relationship simultaneously)

IDK this post is so long but idk if im saying anything. it kinda reads like a very tender song to an ex lover. something like no matter the status of our relationship you still have me and i still love you. i want you to stay close to me no matter what. i want you to realise you could be so much more than what you are now. yknow.

[problematicraccoon]

details about my better teenhood dr bc im losing my mind over it

(TW: MENTIONS OF SA AND STALKING and also i get real emo, my apologies)

okay so first of all, im not really reliving my teen years in their entirety- im shifting back to being 17, only a few days after my birthday.

mainly because some crazy shit happened on my 17th birthday in my cr, and it ended with me being betrayed by two of my 'best' friends during a big fight, who sided with my assailant/stalker instead of me. the day i spawn in is the day that happened. and i know that sounds stupid, like why tf would anyone wanna relive a day like that. but im gonna slightly tweak it.

in this reality, i was raised by my badass aunt Isla (fc Daphne Zuniga). she's like a big sister/aunt/best friend/mom all rolled into one, and we're extremely close, and she's very protective of me.

in my cr, no one defended me. i've taken to referring to myself as the 'attack dog friend', because i have always been the one to fight for my friends, to send paragraphs to people that hurt them or get in somebody's face for groping them, ect. but no one ever did the same for me. same goes for when my two best friends blamed me for what happened, and my other friends didnt even mention the situation. everyone kinda stopped talking to me after that.

but in my dr, i have a group of super close friends that defend me from the two that betray me. they send paragraphs to them, block them, and support me. my aunt ends up on the phone with their mom and absolutely loses it on her lmfao T0T

my reasoning for shifting back to quite possibly the worst day of my life is because i wanna fix it. i want to know what it feels like to be loved and supported instead of abandoned. this is my way of healing i suppose.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE here's some cute shit im excited for <3

-me and my best friends are gonna go to this big ball in a couple months, one that i went to with them in my cr, i just really wanna experience it again, it was so fun.

-the ball is where me and my dr crush end up confessing to each other JFAOIWEJRKANEIAJW

-MY CATS AND DUCKS AND COW :D we have three girl black cats, Arson, Murder and Mayhem. we have four ducks, Table Lamp, Carbohydrate (Carby), Heeby Jeeby, and Choi Soobin. and we have a brown cow named Annaliese that my little sister named :)

-my little siblings <3 Phoebe and Eric. they're fraternal twins, 9 years old, and born on May the 4th (the girls who get it, get it)

-Phoebe is like those creepy ass kids on horror movies. she's quiet, usually, and she always looks like she's plotting world domination. she's insanely smart and very sarcastic. she's obsessed with bugs. im a teeny bit scared of her lmfao. her face claim is Mara Wilson

-Eric is the sweetest little guy to have ever existed. he loves to sing and draw, and is very giggly and silly. he annoys the shit out of Phoebe T0T (she still loves him tho) he's very sensitive and very empathetic. he always cries when he sees a stray dog or cat and is always trying to convince us to take in strays. his face claim is Eric Lloyd.

-my aunt/mom Isla is very weird and very eccentric and very funny. she's very spiritual, like i am, and taught me how to astral project, manifest, reality shift, do tarot card readings, cartomancy, spells, stuff like that. she knows i'm a shifter, so i can tell her about my other drs and she tells me about hers. we always script each other into our drs <3 she's a giant feminist and she took me to my first protest when i was like 10. she's soft and kind but she'd 100% kill a man for me and my siblings. she's rollin with the lgbt like me, so i can be queer openly <3

-SLEEPOVERS AND 3AM SNACK RUNS WITH THE DUDES. TRAMPOLINE PARK WITH THE DUDES. ROLLERSKATING WITH THE DUDES. HIKES WITH THE DUDES. ROADTRIPS WITH THE DUDES. im gonna have a freak out i miss my friends so much.

-i scripted a tweaked version of the Leverage: Redemption plot into this dr. Breanna is a part of my friend group, and she and i are hopelessly pining after each other (until the night of the ball IFHAOIHEFH)

-dear god my clothes T0T i cannot wait to play dress up fr

-all the women in my family have psychic/empathic abilities that develop around the age of 10. we also have occasional prophetic dreams/visions.

-i never got to meet my maternal grandmother Joyce in my cr, as she died a long time before i was born, but i scripted she's still alive in my dr and we're very close. im finally gonna get to meet her T0T i cant wait to hug the shit out of her. she was so amazing yall i cant wait to get to know her.

-i have one of those pink american flags with Chaewon from Lesserafim on it lmfao. i love being a patriot <3

[stellawolfearts]

Aight it's been a long hit minute since I sent ya anything (hi hello bye the bye)

Top five favorite facts/bits of lore/ HCs (can be yours or others head canons) of nezha 😁

hihihiiiiiii

ooooh top five facts/bits of lore/ HCs about Nezha. this is gonna be fun~

Powers

youd never guess. but when i first watched through LMK i didnt care for Nezha. not rlly. I always thought he was cool and had a nice design but I didnt really care much for him. But i ALWAYS thought his powers and abilitys were so cool. maybe its my bias for pink characters and powers (i also have a bias for blue) but when i needed a character to do some fighting in my fic i snatched Nezha. and ever since i started writing him i couldnt stop. So honestly i gotta put his cool lookin powers as #1 since its what initially hooked me onto his character. both canon and other power HC's i have.

2. His personality PSA: Im not saying any of this is canon. these are my headcanons.

I love canon Nezha dont get me wrong, but im a little biased to my headcanons. well- more then a little XP. I ADORE sassy traumatized fucked up little guys. LMK Nezha is already sassy as hell, as he should be. he's soooooo traumatized if you read into his mythology. and he's also so POWERFUL.

it's just something about characters who are mainly known for being powerful and unstoppable. a force to be reckoned with. but eventually it's revealed this 'unstopable persona' is actually just a mask they've built. They are no doubt very powerful. but one of the reasons people are so scared of them is bc they've built the reputation so no one hurts them anymore. Nearly always on the defensive and holding their emotions inside so thy don't get hurt anymore. But like we saw in the s3 special with MK can still be gentle and kind.

not only that, but needs that kind of kindness and acceptance in his life. Needs a family that will accept all aspects of him. The good and the bad.

TS Nezha is a hurt kid. Traumatized and honestly kinda lonely. Because there's very few people that know the real him. Even if he trusts other people, there's no guarantee that they will accept the real him without the mask he's created. Kin moment.

that and the fact its very easy to shove him into a found family.

also Autism representation in my HC's. I'm Autistic, and some of his traits are just me projecting my Autism onto him.

3. His white hair.

My favorite lore bit about Nezha is not something a lot of people know about him. In the translation of Investiture of the Gods I own it says he was born with white hair.

Chapter 12 - The birth of Nezha

However, as Yin had a strange dream one night, she suddenly gave birth to this strange child the following morning. With maidens rushing about saying that a demon was present in Yin's chambers, Li Jing immediately rushed forth into her room and cleaved in two a strange fleshy ball that rolled to and fro across the floor. Within the ball emerged a small young child with hair as white as snow with a gleaming golden bracelet on his right wrist.

I have implemented this in my Tangled Star AU but how is spoilers >:3

all im saying is TSNezha and TSMac have something in common~ but thats already saying too much >:3

4. His Design Theres a reason ive only minorly changed his design in my headcanons. Overall i ADORE it. Again im probably biased because of all the pink but I love characters like him. He's got some traditionaly feminine design choices. at least traditionally in the west (Pink, Long hair, the bottom of his armor looks like a skirt). It's very gender. and he's just cute overall. his design is so much fun to draw and my version is even more fun.

Honestly. The guys got my gender. Masc, but confident in wearing some feminine things. He just seems like the kind of guy who'd like wearing dresses and keeping his hair long, but still masc nonetheless. Breaking gender norms as he should.

5. His dynamics with other characters.

I love writing him interacting with other characters. He just clashes so well with the other characters when i write him in my AU's. both positively and negatively. I love writing him in angst, i love writing him in fluff. I just. love putting this guy into situations XD.

his relationship with his found family in tangled star is SO MUCH FUN to write. traumatized little guy who trusts no one but the people he's closest with. and even they are still getting him to open up.

thats...honestly the best way i can describe my top five things about nezha. its hard to explain why i like him and i was just tempted to write

blorbo

blorbo

blorbo

blorbo

blorbo.

So be happy you got that much out of me. sorry it got so long but once i start ranting i cant stop. XD

[spritehouse]

cw: talk of religion (catholicism + christianity) in a positive/neutral way, some religious guilt, mentioned homophobia & religion-based homophobia

i mentioned luke alvez probably being religious/raised religious or at least have childhood ties to catholicism/christianity and i have so many thoughts

so luke grew up in the bronx, which has the highest concentration of catholics (38% of the population) of new yorks borough, most of which (i believe 30% of the population) are hispanic catholics. also, if luke is around the same age as his actor, this sets his childhood around the 80s i think idk how years work

also, i know i said catholicism but (based on my understanding) roman catholics believe in being above other forms of christianity(?) (please let me know if this is wrong, i just looked it up and im not trying to make any religion look bad), and i think, above all else, luke's parents raised him on the belief that everyone is equal, so. Yeah.

anyways, there's a good chance he was raised religious or, at the very least, religion was undoubtedly a part of his life in one way or another

(self-projection headcanon segment now)

so i think it would be neat if luke kinda strayed from religion a little in high school/college bc. yk. being a teenager/young adult is just trying to figure out what The Fuck is going on.

sure, he'll pray sometimes, go to church with his mom, thank God for things, but he's also young and at least a little mad at life, especially while bad things keep happening to him until that becomes resentment toward God

and then he joins the army, and he'll still pray when something Big is going to happen or send his thoughts to someone's family, but it's half-hearted—something he was taught that's ingrained in him rather than something he chose—and continues like that when he's in FTF, too busy to really think about it

it doesn't come up until he's in the bau after he hears spencer's in jail in Mexico, and he's in the bathroom and can't breathe, praying to a God he isn't sure exists to make everything okay

and after spencer gets out, scratch, all that, he has six weeks to reflect on where he stands and what he believes, feeling guilty about only returning to God when he's desperate

he talks about it with spencer, too—prison made luke realize he doesn't want to waste any more time—and even though he's not religious, he never makes luke feel bad or wrong about any of it

spencer talks about his experience with religion and the things he can't explain, like dying in the cabin. he doesn't believe in a God/gods, but he doesn't think people who do are wrong or have misplaced beliefs

he's still weary about everything, but he feels better after talking about it so much with spencer, though that poses another problem

luke has never really bothered to label himself, but he knows the correlation between religion and homophobia, and that scares him just as much as everything else

yes, his parents taught him everyone is equal, but what if that doesn't apply to him, their only son? what if they reject him? what if they tell him that the God he spent so long feeling guilty for abandoning doesn't love him anymore?

at some point, it comes up, and his parents meet spencer and absolutely adore him and they have a Deep Talk and there's Tears because im a sucker for healthy communication between parents and children where luke's parents just tell him they love him so much and aaaaaaaaaaaaa

also: luke and derek bonding over Religion Things. i put all of my three braincells into typing this whole thing, bear with me.

[dichotomousvariable]

hiiiii! i'm kat (she/her) and this is my son wooseok!

i'm super excited to be here and really looking forward to plotting!!

i will probably be faster to reply on disc (thegongoozler) but tumblr ims are fine too if you prefer. you can find his about here. i'm still working on his bio, but it's in a sort of bulleted form here for a basic timeline!

y'all know the drill. infodump and potential plots under the cut!

wooseok was born in new york city and lived there until he was about 12, so he's fluent in english as well as korean (his parents raised him speaking both).

wooseok is an only child, and as such, his parents were always heavily involved in his business, for better or for worse. (usually for worse)

he's still kinda scared of his dad but that's another story.

as far as they know, he's just doing a single program for comp sci, but he picked up the dual degree for music theory ... haha oops

follow your passions, kid (he feels very guilty for lying.)

wooseok's power is telepathy, it manifests for him in two ways: hearing others' thoughts and memory viewing

hearing others' thoughts happens automatically (when he doesn't have a patch), and can very quickly get overwhelming

as such, wooseok likes to keep the patch on as much as possible. it's really hard to enter a room and hear like 20 people as if they're talking aloud

"hey wooseok, you ok?" "I Can't Hear You" (the room is silent)

he's trying to get better at dealing with it/tuning some voices out, because he knows using the patch as often as he does isn't safe. when he really focuses, he can sometimes get them to quiet to a manageable level, but it never completely goes away, and it takes a lot of brainpower.

he doesn't know this for sure, but practice does make perfect in this case! come, be his friend, help him grow! make him practice instead of just hiding!

so the first time he used a patch was like the first time he experienced silence and he's still chasing that high

the secondary application of his telepathy--the memory viewing--is more of an ordeal. it requires sustained physical contact, is very tiring, etc

for subplot, he's the treasurer for together for daehan! realistically, his thoughts/opinions fall somewhere between the two groups, but he's been in this position for a while and... he doesn't like change.

generally he's a friendly guy, and he wants to make more friends.

he can sometimes come across as standoffish though because when that patch starts to run out he has a short period of time before things get too overwhelming (or he's just focusing really hard on keeping others quiet)

potential wanted plots...

wooseok needs friends, particularly friends who won't let him get away with cancelling plans as much as he probably does

as mentioned above, friends that help him to practice being okay without nullivi could be fun!

people who are musically inclined to do jam sessions with and bond over music!

he really loves video games and WILL play them with your muse! he will also ask if they want to play fun little games he coded as projects.

friend who would see him slapping a fresh patch on super fast and be like "dude is that safe"

idk there's always shenanigans with telepathy/hearing thoughts. if your muse so much as thinks a compliment he's gonna blush so that's fun

i'm cool with pre-est, discussion, anything! i love plotting so please come at me with anything and everything

[parfaitfever]

headcanons for ssomega characters i have!!!!!!!!!

this will be mostly justt how i see the characters and sexuality hcs here and there and just lil ramble for each characters!!!!!!!!

Pegasus koga

hes a clueless little guy in s1 maybe the little brother for everyone

after training shaina would probably let him play pokemon on his gba

he would accidentally see yuna bleeding on the ass and asked what happened not knowing anything (neither does his other 3 friends)

ate dirt ONCE shaina n tatsumi scolded him and he never do it again

after ep18 he never ever wants to touch spicy food ever again

i mentioned this and i'll mention it again, i lovee aroace koga cus whn it comes to love the first think he thinks was family love and says it something like "i love you as much i love saori!"

Lionet soma

like hyoga did in the classic, would somehow be able to drive cars and we never knew wether he had a license or not

im still wondering who the hell are those bitches in ep18??????? are those girlies his BITHCES??? SOMA PULLED THEM??? IS THIS REAL???

i think he'd flirt w someone and just failed miserably

besties w yuna since he arrived in palaestra (ep69) and gave her a childhood nickname and grew further from her a little when he starts to open up to more people and probs only got closer again cus of koga and the saori situation

he is anything but straight (hes pan)

his birthday is 23th of july (younger me said so)

Aquila yuna

been a favorite since young literally my role model when im 7 yiu dont undrstand shes just such a girlboss 4 me my cringeass tomboy asskicker phase back in grade 4 was her influence

for me, even though she kinda became the mother of the group and just hates on everyone, she actually super cared for thm liek koga or soma but shes just scared to get attached to them and it ended up something like her family or pavlin or aria ... so shes just scared she'll get attached to people > lose them at some point so she also tries to kinda distant them to try and not get attach this is also probably why in ep54 her cloth wasnt able to change for the first time bcus she fear if she goes back in to fight she'd lose someone dear to her again (i guess .... im not sure if this is right im js rambling lols)

also notice how riene (yunas childhood friend in ep25) looks a bit like raki and I CANT EXPLAIN HOWMUCH I LOVE EXPLAINING HER YOU GET WHAT I MEAN DO YOU?!??@!? (im just projecting probably, plz help) YOU KNW WHAT I EAMN WHEN I SAY EP25 OKAY LIKE SHE DOESNF EVEN CARE THAT WAS AN ILLUSION SHE'LL SAVE IT TO SEE THE PEOPLE SHE CARES FOR AGAIN YOU KNW WHAT I MEAN

imagine her in her bday not doing anything after she goes out for a meal so when she casually goes back home the maincast gave her a bday surprise :3 (projectig

i did a little redesign of her but its just adding ribbons and glasses bcus i do

arne would introduce her to precure and she discovered who cure moonlight is and now its her fave cuz she looks liek pavlin :3

did i mention how much of a girlboss she is she just onehitko a gold saint (cancer schiller)

bicon ... #1

Dragon ryuho

i used to think hes good at everything BUT cooking

i think he does most of the house chores while shunrei takes care of shiryu like dish washing, sweeping the house very diligent lil boy :3

he loves talkking about his dads adventures or just his family in general uaghegdha *sobs on the flor* he loves his family somuc aughe *chokes

haruto once asked why ryuho never showed up in his concerts and ryuho sweats so much n claims that "he doesnt have enough money to buy the ticker but that doesnt mean he didnt want to support hes just" and harutoo cuts him off and gave him a free ticket

would have like a collection of antique dishes or teacups (its a gift from dohko i guess?? this is a random thought) and he once like broke one and mourns it in his room for 3 days

i used to think he suck at cooking in someway or another unless hes supervised or following a certain recipe (i MENTIONED ths but i didnt notice oh well)

he plays with harutos hair end of story

as a kid i use to htink hes a girl until i heard his voice

gay. end of story

Wolf haruto

i probably still think hes stuck in the school jail for 6 months

episode 22

look listen i feel like i shipped him w an mlp character but i forget whether it was rainbowdash or applejack

FAKE GLASSES FAKE GLASSES HE BOUGHT THOSE GLASSES OUT OF INTEREST IYS FAKE GSUY

he learns those corny jokes froms soma (he fell for ut smh)

allergic to peanuts but he learned it the hard way. so like he got some food with peanuts in it and went to the palaestra infirmary for 2 weeks and when its eps22 harutos dad told ryuho hes allergic to peanuts but never got to tell him and then when ryuho told haruto about it hes liek ... "ah yeah right, thanks but i learned about it long time ago when i ate tofu and stayed in the infirmary for almost a month. "

he likes instant noodles

dyed his hair ends with black/red just bcuz (i kinda drew him like this sometimes hewlo)

Orion eden

hes like the silly dumb like koga but more ... quiet i guess??? like, someone would crack a dad joke to him like what do you call a fish with no eye? fsh. and hes like "i never knew thats how you call eyeless fishes" and took literally without him knowing

very very polite but if something just irritates/annoys him he wont hesitate to ZAP

looks at my old book ... *sighs* stso x mlp ships ... eden was one of the victims

i still dont completely understand why his hair turned grey i mean i dont mind the design doesnt rly affect much buut how I CANT REMEMBER was it cuz of aria or soemthig

foudn this in my school stso hcs notes, he secretly sneaks to arias room and plays piano for her but got caught by sonia and now hes forbidden to even touch the door w/o perms

bi :3

hes seatmates with haruto and so he needs to deal with haruto trying out his jokes he learned from soma and took most of them literally

soma fooled him with the "if you eat the watermelon seeds it'll grow in your stomach"

i keep crying whenever theres aria and eden scene and iys just very sad i just paused the video and cry first

aria

favorite food bread

i cant believe i never drawed her as a kid 3:

MY INNOCENT LITTLE AJHDDFSAHFSDKJH SOBS PKEAS

saoris daughter...

look look look i have a buncha hcs for her but i literally cant remember

twins with koga...... fight mw right now

yuna actually tries to teach her how to cook basic recipes and they also sometimes cook together but aria doesnt rly understand and ended up messing stuff up and eventually yuna gives up n aria would ended up apologizing a lotta times ... but yuna said "its ok!!! ure aria i wont do anything"

she passed those jfashion shops and stared at the store for 15mins

she actually has struggles with talking to people so every so often eden or koga did the talking for her

only thing she can bake is simple bread with yuna

she wouuld like clean n neat stuff so she often broom the house here and there and somehow made koga actually wants to clean

the flower decos all around their house is white, blue or lilly of the valley bcus its her

equuleus subaru

ash ketchum

[im-a-chunky-potato]

I think you're

A kid

chuuya coded /j. you're very sigma + atsushi coded. plus a little dab of chemical X (nikolai humor as per your own words)

very nice. I saw you reblogging someone's post and leaving rlly kind/encouraging words in the tags.

fun to talk to, funny, kind, genuine potato 🥔

I think you really like mashed potatoes 🤭

You remind me of my other friend named Julienne 😭 (I swear if it turns out you're her, im gonna kms /j)

You've got artistic potential ✨

Kinda scared that you're the type to keep it to yourself if something bothers you (its cause of my other friend, sorry 😭) <<< if something bothers you, let them know, ayt? Your feelings matter lmao. Your feelings COME FIRST.

I hope you have fun and good friends at school/work cause you deserve it 💅💖

you've carry the group projects 💅 (usually the vice leader if not the actual leader. That OR you're a really helpful member who makes sure to contribute)

go finish that sigma rabbit analysis lmao. 🐰🐰🐰 /j

I think you're very rabbit coded too (in a way. Not going to elaborate lol.)

I'll never get over the fact that you compared yourself to a kid with a leash 😭😭

xoxo,

your secret admirer 😏

(̶J̶K̶ P̶L̶S̶ D̶O̶N̶T̶ C̶A̶L̶L̶ T̶H̶E̶ C̶O̶P̶S̶)̶

...WHY ON EARTH DID YOU WRITE AN ENTIRE ESSAY'S WORTH OF THINGS ABOUT ME. Actually, I'm flattered but also confused about the amount of effort you put into this.

Technically you are correct, but I will still fight you on this >:(

Htgsgs how dare you say that🐕.Yeah, I'm the Atsushi type heh!

You'd be right! To quote the wonderful Vash the Stampede- love and peace ✌️! I just like knowing I made someone smile or a bit happier<3

...I swear you're trying to kill me. But thank you! I'm surprised this name has stuck and just became my thing but it's kind of cool🥔 I hope all of my mutuals can never see potatoes the same again.

Htgsgs mashed potatoes are really good. But in all actuality my favorite food is Alfredo or any sort of pasta!

Your friend sounds awesome then. I hope she torments you irl as much as I do online! (Ooh hold on is that the same friend who thought you were texting a crush and you had to explain tumblr to?)

Aw ty! That was the first sketch I've done since forever. Hair is hard. And eyes. And faces. And... you get the point. I do want to improve though, so I'll keep trying.

I'll keep that in mind! And no worries, honestly the fact that you care about me enough to say that is really comforting. (Hah I'm attached to you now, it's all going downhill from here)

Thanks! I hope the same for you. My friends are awesome! They're the ones who also get to see my Nikolai side so it's fortunate they stay/j. Fun fact: I'm one of the giggliest people alive, so it's way to easy for them to make me laugh.

I could never be the leader lol, I don't have the confidence to tell other people what to do. But I'd say I'm the vice leader.

But that involves work... and effort... Actually I plan to get to it at some point. I'm impressed people are actually curious (aka I didn't plan for people to actually want to see my reasons, woops)

...Yeah I can see it.

THAT WAS ONE JOKE! Hstgs actually I'm glad you liked it. But if that's how you envision me now I will be sure to invoke all sorts of pain upon you🥰

I'll see you in court wakanai🫵 (I'm joking I would never do that to my fedya. If we go to jail we're doing it together!❤️ )

Xoxo, you're favorite potato<3

Sorry this took so long to write! And thanks a lot for all of the kind words, you have no clue how much I was smiling while making this.

[inact-ice]

Ok episode 5,

- ooh arranged wedding moment. Hey guys, if it goes bad at least the wedding was gorgeous. Ope. My fault everyone sorry

- is bobby ever gonna apologize for like pushing buck against that wall bc that really scared me. I know it was a manifestation of trauma but damn

- love how black women across the world use the word wicked. It’s probably bc of like colonialism and specifically Christianity, but it’s a nice connection

- Athena you still have a job?? You weren’t even like suspended, you definitely have stuff to do other than running background checks on your friends bosses

- oh. Oh no… not the hen and Karen cheating arc, I haven’t even met Karen yet please no

- BUCKS FAMOUS ROOMATES! So these are the people everyone hates so much in fanfics

- Oh yeah Abby’s mom is missing

- hen your ex girl friend is in braids, back out slowly before she starts calling you gurl OMG, it’s too late

- what am I watching

- these aren’t even like real braids im so funny

- Carla’s little crush on buck is so fucking great, maybe they should get together

- aw wait this is buck and Abby meeting face to face for the first day time

- HOT PRIEST, hey girl

- bobby have you ever considered going to like real therapy, I don’t think the hot priest is a licensed psychologist

- HELP BOBBY DONT SCARE THE HOT PRIEST LIKE THAT HE ISNT LEGALLY REQUIRED TO TELL THE COPS AND HES ALL ALONE WITH YOU

- Bobby’s wife who’s name I never heard, I am so sorry. Is Bobby gonna cheat??? Oh. We’re pulling out ye old lantern to drink I see. Does he just come here to like nap, NO BOBBY YE OLD LANTERN

- the actor who plays Bobby has like a permanent bemused grin so while he’s breaking down to his wife about his addiction he kinda just seems confused and it’s a little funny

- checkovs ye old lantern

- oh damn bobby that was your fault wow. Oh he made the hot priest cry.

- yeah idk if the priest can handle this, maybe you should consider trauma therapy

- the priest: “god forgives you” Bobby: “gods forgiveness actually means nothing to me in this case” the priest: “well that is the entirety of my expertise”

- I don’t like when Bobby cries, it always seems to be ripped out of him😭 the actor is doing a great job

- Karen you are being very forgiving of your wife meeting her ex gf in prison, I fear you are too good for her

- aw buck calling Athena sergeant, love it

- buck being so astounded that Abby hasn’t had sex in a year is hilarious, meeting me would kill this man

- Abby you’re so cool omg, it’s like she can’t help but want to help others even when she’s going through so much. I feel like that’s the theme of her character

- Abby looks so cute in her little dungarees omg

- I can’t believe that manny’s just like dead rip I guess

- who the hell are these firefighters?? How does buck know them? Are they at the 118? I wonder what their lives are like

- Abby is calm cool and collected fr. What do jedis have to do with still hands? Anyways

- Abby’s mom! Thank you tattooed men, in my head you stay in contact with Abby forever and are good friends of hers

- aw Abby’s mom, even when she can’t remember stuff she still remembers that she wants her daughter to be happy. Gang I love Abby’s mom so much

- did not appreciate the fucking Abby’s mom joke, thanks writers but it was a little weird

- if we’re gonna keep talking about bucks sex addiction can we take it seriously at some point or what

- the “what are you high” scene in context is kinda dark bc bobby might’ve been actually scared he was high bc he sees himself in buck a bit

- aw I miss chimney

- girl he didn’t even laugh that much. Which is kinda dark. Bobby is like if Sayaka and Kyouka from Madoka Magica had a child and he was a white middle aged man. Like maybe they adopted him and just projected all their trauma onto him and now he’s repeating all their mistakes

- if they have phone sex I’m gonna freakout

- I’d like to personally thank the 911 tv show directors for cutting away from that bc I do not like bucks phone sex voice

[straykats]

anyways hi guys i love u all here are some thoughts ive had

on ocean vuong and my own writing. i'm revisiting vuong's works for an assignment (bc i suddenly have the opportunity to centre an entire project around it the way that i want to hehe) and i think i'm realising how much he's influenced ymy writing fr? obviously not like. the stuff i post/ed here but the stuff i've done for my writing classes. i've acknowledged his work/s as inspiration, but mainly in the 'his use of the vietnamese language...' way but i think my writing style in general leans towards his as well.. and idk how i feel about that? i'm not saying i write exactly like him or as well as him (god no) but the tone? but i do want to believe that i've written in That Tone and Style before (im pretty sure i have, even before reading on earth) but im scared that im 'copying' his style. idk. i really do love the voice he uses when he writes, the way he poses questions and presents ideas. yes i would love for my writing to affect people the way his has affected mine. but i don't.. i want to still have my own thing, that isn't mine just because the reader hasn't read vuong's works? and ig its all about pov and interpretation at the end of the day - it all lays in the hands (eyes? mind?) of the reader/audience how something is interpretted, irrespective of creator intent - but i'm stil lconscious of it. idk. hm. smth to consider when i write later this week ig.

on my own writing (in general). i think i really do lack so much faith in myself. the feedback i've gotten back for my writing assignments have honestly all been beyond what i ever thought i could get (?????? fckin full marks last sem???? and this sem, a HD even though i gave it so little thight????) but i still don't think. i'm like. capable of pursuig writing in any capacity. i know one way to kind of 'venture out there' and find out how i fare 'in the real world' is to apply to comps and lit mags and stuff but i just. ahhhbhdsvhsvsvs when i think outside of the uni context i just don't think i have it in me but again, i realise i just need to kind of start applying to and entering stuff but ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

on crushes and relationships. sometimes i have like. Thoughts. like just passing 'oh i hope they think of me' or 'oh i hope they (only) do this to/with me' etcetc and i'm like. oh okay maybe this is what a crush is???? because in school it was more of a. like. the people i was conscious of were people i was being teased about, so i was conscious of them and had similar thoughts but not.. the way i do now? like. i was just worried that the other person would feel a certain way about something, or would only do something with me, would treat me differently etc and then people would notice and then the teasing and the rumours etc would get worse. but now im like. just thinking it myself. no anxieties other than 'oh is this weird' 'what if this is a crush? what if i actually have a crush on my friend/s????' (yes plural okay wait i'm getting to that soon) and idk like. the whole realm of 'romantic or platonic?' is not an unfamiliar one. but it being familiar does not mean i have an answer sigh. anyways. why plural friends??? (and additinoal question, which i wont explore here, but whats the general opinion on having multiple crushes? is that a thing? i know polyamory is a thing, but im not looking for or want a poly relo. is it even possible to have multiple romantic crushes at once? does that mean theyre NOT romantic? anyways. moving on.)

the one male friend who i am very conscious of having these thoughts about: we're not exactly childhood friends, but we were friends in childhood..? as in, we went to the same school. forced friendship kinda vibes. friends the way the majority of people in a primary schooler's class is their friend. but then i moved schools and ended up keeping in contact with him (amongst other primary school friends) and then we had serious/personal convos? and then we stopped talking for 5-8 years (memory sucks okay sorry) and then. now we work together and long story short we do share a friendgroup? but i'm not super close with him and idk if thats just how he is but ANYWAYS like do i just want us to be closer friends bc i ??? idk like i do wanna be closer friends w him uh guys this is actually EMBARRASSING

my best friend: okay look im more accepting of the fact that i do not (currently?) actually have a romantic crush on her but also like. what if i do and i just dont realise it and one day i realise it but its too late bc she'll be engaged fr (she has a boyfriend rn and i'm chill w it? sometimes i think smth about them and im like ??? wait huh is this jealousy or smth??? but then im like no its literally not) but yeah idk its 1am rn and my head isnt working so tldr; im pretty sure i dont have a romantic crush on her but i also do wish our friendship was more phsyically affectionate, the way some of my other female friendships are? and i think thats what confuses me? she's aware she's not a physical person (even w her bf) and we're aware that i am NVJKNVKS hm idk im making sense in my head but i dont think i am in writing

anyways them two^ do be the main ???? but im also like. what if im just wanting a different type of friendship yknow. like how much do i want. at what point is it no longer wanting a closer/different friendship, and is actually wanting a romantic friendship? how does one 'develop' romantic feelings??? im so confused man i wish there was a diagnostic criteria for these types of things. i cuold write a whole thing about rom/platonic relationships and confusion. maybe the confusion is a sign in itself (maybe im aro? but the idea of an (intentional and sconiously) romantic relationship is so neat and comforting and i??? but what if---- what if i just lobotomise myself fr feelings are so confusing

on the home situation [cw: fam neg, divorce, mental health?] mum got a house and she wants me to move in with her, if not both myself and my brother. dads kinda being a dick about this whole thing, but i also understand that with the way it happened, hes probably got a lot going on mentally. i don't like.. i don't like being able to understand and think about others the way i do. i become too conscious of the (possible) reasons why someone is acting the way they are. i get too empathetic and understanding and i don't know how to draw lines and do things with myself as a priority. i can't make choices that put my safety and wellbeing first, because i understand why everyone wants what they want and why they need what they want. i might even be extrapolating and overthinking things to the point that theyre not even half truths anymore. i'm so scared to make choices and hurt people because i've grown up with such strong fears that all sorts of bad things will happen if i do this or that, if i make someone feel a certain way. and theres a conscious part of my brain thats like. well. conscious that i need to Snap Out Of It and realise that i cant keep thinking and living like this and i need to prioritise myself at somepoint. idk i have a lot to say about this but i think it would need a sep post on its own. and better analysis of content post-writing to identify relevant warnings. hm. anyways. times do be tough.

on stationary, desk set ups, and productivity. this bits just for funsies but ive recently been kinda obsessed w the spiral notebooks that u can like. refill/replace paper etc and i think theyre so neat so i got a bunch of different paper packs and also folders or whatever BUT ive been too scared to use them? last week i tried to start like. daily planning and semi-journalling and i drew up september in calendar format or whatever and then a daily task thing w time schedules etcetc (trust okay the vision was visioning) and i knew i probably wouldnt be able to this daily but i could at least do it some days and try and get into a pattern but anyways yeah have not looked at it since KFJJKFNJSKNFSK. but i'm using the paper/folder thing now for project development (assignment) and i also want to have one dedicated to references etc (like an annotated bibliography kinda thing) bc a lot of the work i do centers around similar concepts so old material stays handy yknow but i always end up having to pull up old assignments and trying to remember what was in each reference. anyways. problem for later. i also got the logitech casa pop-up desk thing and i'm enjoying it v much. also got a desk lamp thing from amazon and its ocming tmrw and i'm hoping getting better lighting at my desk will make me more productive (i tend to be more productive working at the kitchen table, but its not ideal bc dads in the living room doing karaoke ....

[laptrance]

August 4th, 2024

4 years and 8 days, or 1469 days since my last post on here. Sounds like lifetimes ago, and might as well be. At least 3 to be exact. As expected for such a radical time jump, so much has changed. If I told 2020 me what would happen, I'd probably just laugh it all off in disbelief. But as Myra would sing in the iconic Princess Diaries closing track, miracles happen (when you believe).

Let's see... where to start... I guess where I left off?

REST OF 2020

i was VERY involved with DIY twitter, specifically bands around the LA area. a couple bands in particular i had kind of a parasocial relationship with: mini trees and soft blue shimmer. less so the latter.

pretty much 90% of my social life was online. tweeting and replying to tweets, discord groups. i was honestly having a blast.

i'd visit home every now and then, being somewhat covid conscious.

i took up DJing cause of keb. got a controller and everything. it was pretty fun but short-lived lol

we'd visit las vegas a lot more due to nanay's declining health, and just to support ninang. i think nanay would end up staying in vegas full time. no longer hopping back and forth between us and ninang.

i think dad got covid after christmas. i was honestly really scared for him but we all got vaccinated so he took it like a champ.

2021

i ended up making a couple of mixes for some friends. i thought they were fine haha

the visits to vegas would increase more and more. the last time nany would properly go out was for our birthday dinner at fogo de chao

i had a mad crush on one of the band members from soft blue shimmer. i went on a "date" with them but was politely turned down after they realised it was a date. it honestly felt good being turned down. like i put myself out there for once and wasn't a useless lesbian for once lmao.

i'd go IN on record collecting. racking up 100 vinyl easily by the end of the year.

i finally got a costco membership. that was a milestone of me "being an adult now"

a lot of people at planetary started leaving. first nik, then george. i was like "there's no way in hell im staying here too" so i started applying for jobs. i think i only applied to two things before landing in NINJA TUNE OF ALL PLACES. i still pinch myself after almost 3 years from that. it was like 4 rounds of interviews. started working there september 13th.

2022

Nanay died. I no longer have any grandparents. On both sides. It's the closest death I've experienced so far.

it didn't (still doesn't) feel real that she's gone. she lived a long life (90 years). i always envisioned one of us sisters having her take care of our children the same way she took care of us.

it was hard dealing with her passing. i'd always cry at the weirdest moment. like when we were having a reception at ping pang pong after her funeral, not AT the funeral lol. i still cry sometimes to this day. her death kinda marked a milestone of sorts where it was like "oh you're REALLY an adult now". no turning back to the security and safety of childhood. sometimes i mourn that more than her. but i also think that's what she was to me. safety. unconditional love.

i was still very much on DIY twitter. online life during the pandemic was still a thing i think.

we had to move out of the Fremont house cause the owners were selling the home. despite the weird roommates, i really liked that place. the location was really good.

Kristine ended up joining us at the new house in Rosemead. Had a room with sunlight finally but it was a lot smaller than the basement room lol.

Started taking up a bit of golfing with Dad. he'd take us to the driving range and have us practice out swings. that would pay off on our birthday at top golf lol

Kristine got a boyfriend named Justin. He was her type forsure. I got along with him as well. they dated for about a year and he moved up to norcal which strained the relationship. she broke up with him cause of that and other things.

Got to work on a few cool projects, but I had such a hard time getting press for them. felt like i hit a wall

went to a couple of cool one-off festivals: This Ain't No Picnic and Primavera Sound LA.

one of my coworkers Lauren came to visit LA. it was nice having someone in my department in the office for once.

i started taking up bowling a lot more too. the rosemead house was near a bowling alley in alhambra that had this crazy deal on tuesdays. $2 per game. insane!! i made a couple of friends who were frequent visitors for a minute, but then it rained a lot towards the end of the year which forced them to close for maintenance indefinitely. they permanently closed in 2024.

connie and ant broke up after i think 8 or 9 years together. i honestly thought they would end up marrying each other. me and kristine spoke to them separately shortly after they announced the breakup and before they both moved away. connie went to seattle while ant went to portland.

it hit our friend group really hard. connie and ant were the ones who always brought us together. i think ryan shota and i just ended up doing our own things after that. we don't really hang out as a trio anymore.

i mean i know why they broke up, but i really miss our group. i miss connie and i miss ant. i miss them when they were together. they were the couple i looked up to and wanted to reference my own relationships after.

2023

discovered the beauty that was california hot pot in downtown alhambra. they gave waayyyy too much food for sooo cheap. that shut down in 2024 for unknown reasons. RIP

also discovered the beauty of Momo Paradise. AYCE shabu shabu WITH tea/soda included AND ice cream at the end. still open as i'm typing this thank goth.

there was a mini tornado in the el monte area??? unheard of for the area.

started hanging out with alex's friends from college (with alex ofc). most of them work for LADWP loll.

i got a mechanical keyboard. im using it to type this very sentence lol

worked on some very stressful campaigns for work. also worked on some really cool campaigns that did well too.

i reached out to this one person from reddit who i thought was really cool. we went to see a deafheaven show and got dinner before. haven't really spoken to them since but would be down to go to another show again!!

i finally switched from an android back to an iphone. there are some things i miss from android but i like having a working and fast phone now.

I ALSO GOT COVID FOR THE FIRST TIME RIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS. 0/10 RECOMMEND but it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be tbh.

2024

honestly the days start to feel like they're blurring. doing the same thing day after day

ninja's CEO was under scrutiny for being sexist and mean in the office (which is true) and some semblance of accountability was attempted but idk if anything changed about the work culture really.

i also applied to a different label PIAS and ende up getting the job but i felt so conflicted on wether to stay or leave. upper management at ninja honestly doesn't care about developing the press department (and i won't forget that) but my press team are day ones and were able to get me a raise that made me stay.

at the same time that ^^ was going on, kristine and i moved out of the rosemead place and moved to ECHO PARK with alex. i honestly still can't believe that i live in LOS ANGELES proper!!

i have another crush again, this time i met them IN PERSON at a show (for work). i didn't really do anything about it until A MONTH after, but i did end up getting her number. maddie did say she wasn't "totally" looking to date right now but encouraged me to reach out still cause she's a good friend and "who knows where it could go!" i don't think she's really a texter...

i started therapy again cause i'm feeling burned out at work and i feel like i've been very anxious as of late. had that confirmed with the therapist and i'm in the process of testing for ADHD.

i think it's helping a lot, navigating how my mind works around this crush with nina s and just working through how i think about things.

aaannnd that's it i think! like i said before, A LOT OF THINGS over the course of four years.

as for the stuff with angelica, i just think about her in the sense of our time together being the closest thing to a relationship i've ever gotten. i totally understand why we don't talk to each other anymore. i think im still trying to recover from that in a way, forgiving myself for how i acted towards her.

meeting people's really hard these days. i aboslutely hate dating apps and the people i am attracted to are usually not emotionally available. im kinda worried i'll still be single (and a virgin) by the time i turn 30. working on that not coming true lol...

i dont think it'll be another 4 years before i come back with an update. i am proud of myself though. look how far i've come haha

[re-ikrmso]

me realizing that the songs in my head for my made up animatics that unless i make it clear that the original meanings of the lyrics do not match one to one to the animatic that the vibes+message of my lore will come across way way different...

cw/tw mentions of grooming below

uhh. pidge. pidge was not groomed sexually even if they are based on me pidge is about uh. having shitty people be your support system and like an insight into like. how do people cope i promise pidge was not . which is something because the two main songs i have for animatis of pidge could very very much make it seem like their mentor was a pedo he was not he was projecting heavily onto pidge and wanted them to "grow up right" and by "right" as in fit into a stereotype of a good team rocket member er it was not sexual grooming im putting this here cause for the love of god it was not like that

this is also kind of odd now that i think about it because i do think about mentor like grabbing pidge by the shoulder or leading around by the shoulder sometimes but like that's rarely and its more like . urgh

one of the songs i associate with pidge is kinda their attitude/persona and also them shifting the blame off of either mentor's shitty actions to anything else (like their mentor's drinking problem)

and the other one is kinda reflective of pidge's like. their dependeceish i have no idea how to describe it but like i do think its a good general song between pidge and their mentor because i think in a weird way it kinda helps show like pidge's dependence/trust(kinda) in their mentor in a really weird way because a few lines are really wow. wow. pidge did not trust him at the start, they're reluctant to go along but soon enough later on they'll get used to it they're going to have to, because who the fuck else is gonna have their back so i guess its okay. that facade is still a face deep down pidge is still scared but maybe if we keep going that facade will be real. yeah pidge fucking loses it sometimes their kanto years after getting more used to things are the worst in terms of their actions because they really don't give a shit and become more fixated on pleasing their mentor by living up to his expectations

im not going to lie im not even sure if i was groomed but i know what happened was sexual, i hated it, but also there was this slow burn of me compromising my morals because i somehow for desensitized to it and it consistently kept getting worse and i was 14 and the other person was 16 so uh. i think im gonna take this and say i probably did get groomed im not pulling this out of my fucking ass