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comedicreliefonlyworkswhenfunny · 3 years ago

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I am against the "Americanization" of fandoms.

What this applies to

Holding non American characters (and sometimes even fans) to an American moral standard. This includes

Refusing to take into account that, first things first, America is NOT the target audience, so certain tropes that would or would not pass in the west are different in Japan.

Like seriously, quite a few of the jokes are just not going to pass or hit, because they require background information that is not universal.

Assuming all American experience is standard. (This could mean watering down just how much pressure is placed on Japanese youth irl by saying that sort of thing is universal (while it is, to a degree, Japanese suicide rates are pretty fucking high because of how fast paced and work heavy some of their loads tend to be), and it's really annoying and rude when someone is trying to speak out about how heavy and harsh the standards are placed on them to succeed just for some American whose mom occasionally yells at them to do their homework dropping by to say "it's like that everywhere")

Demonizing (or wubbifying) a character using American morals, including and up to harassing fans over their interpretations or gatekeeping whether or not a character "should" get development (while you shouldn't do that fucking period, it's rude and annoying- this is specifically for the people who use American standards without acknowledging the cultural gap between them and, you know, the fucking target audience) ((Like seriously, saying "It's different in Japan" is not the end all be all excusing someone's actions, but sometimes the author didn't immediately think that maybe (insert vaguely universal thing) was that bad or that heavy of a topic before they put it into their media. If you don't want to see things like that? Pick a different series and stop harassing the fans))

Getting mad at or making fun of Japan's attempts to satirize their own culture. (A good example is Ace Attorney! To most of us, it's just a funny laugh can you imagine if courts were actually like that- guess what? Japan's are! (Not that America's are actually that much better, they just look good on paper))

Making America/American issues the center of your fan spaces

(Usually without sharing or bringing light to the issues that other countries are going through)

Your

Experiences

Are

Not

Univseral!

Seriously, very few things across America, even, are universal. Texas things the hundreds are nothing while Minnesota's like "oh it's only thirty degrees below zero"- so for fucks sake, stop assuming that all other countries work in ways similar to America.

It's good and important to share Ameican issues with your American followers, but guess what? America isn't the only country out there, and it's certainly not the only one going through bullshit. Don't pull shit like "why's no one reblogging this?" or "why should I care about what's happening in (X country)?"

Don't assume everyone lives in America.

Stop assuming everyone lives in America.

America is not and has never been the target audience for anime, and it's certainly not the only country outside of Japan that enjoys it.

Like I said above, sometimes Japan attempts to satirize its own culture. We can't tell what is and isn't meant as satire, because it's not our culture.

Social media activism can be tiring and maybe you don't have the energy to focus on things that are out of your control, but, if someone tells you about the shit they're going through, don't bring American politics up.

For the neurodivergent crowd out there thinking, "But why?" it's because a lot of social media, especially, is very heavily Americanized- sometimes to the point where people assume that everyone is American. Not to mention, it's disheartening. I'm sorry to say, but you're not actually relating to the conversation, you're often diverting the focus away from the topic at hand. Even if you mean well, America is heavily pedestaled and talked about frequently, and people from other countries are tired of America taking precedent over their own issues.

Don't divert non-American issues into American ones. Seriously. It's not your place. Please just support the original issue or move on.

Racist Bullshit

This especially goes for islanders and South Asian characters, as well as poc characters (because, yes, Japan DOES have black people)

Making "funny" racist headcanons. Not fucking cool.

Changing the canon interpretation of an explicit character of color in order to fit racist stereotypes.

Whitewashing or color draining characters. Different artistic skill sets can be hard, yes, but are you seriously going to look at someone and say "I don't feel like accurately portraying you or people that look like you, because it's difficult for me." If someone tries to correct you on your cultural depiction of a character and/or their life style, don't be an ass. (If possible, it would be nice for those that do the corrections to be polite as well, but it does get really frustrating).

Seriously, no offense guys, but, if you want to persue art, you're going to need to learn to depict different body types, skin colors, and/or ethnic features.

On that note, purposefully, willingly, or consistently inaccurately portraying people or characters of color (especially if someone in the fandom has "called you out" or specifically told you that what you're doing comes across as racist and you continue to do it). If you need help or suck at looking things up, there are references for you! Ask your followers if they have tutorials on poc (issue that you're having), whether it be bodily portrayal, facial proportions, or coloring and shading. Art is so much more fun when you can depict a wider variety, and guess what? Before you drew the same skinny, basic, white character over and over, you couldn't even draw that!

Attempting or claiming to DEPECT CULTURAL ACCURACY within a work or meta, while being completely fucking wrong. ESPECIALLY and specifically if someone calls you out, and you refuse to fix, correct, or change anything.

*little side note that the discussion revolving art is a very multilayered conversation, and it has quite a few technical potholes, which I'll bring up again farther into this post.

Fucking history

Stop demonizing or for absolute fucks sake wubbifying Japanese history because UwU Japan ♡0♡ or bringing up shit like "you know they sided with Nazis, right?" It's good to recognize poor past decisions, but literally it's not your country keep your nose out of it. And? A lot of decisions made by countries were not made by their general peoples. Even those that were, often involved heavy propaganda that made them think what they were doing was right.

Seriously, it's not your country, not your history. Unless you have some sort of higher education (but honestly even then a lot of those contain heavy bias), just don't butt in.

^^^ this also goes to all countries that are NOT Japan (specifically when people from non American countries talk about their history while in fandoms and someone wants to Amerisplain to them why "well, actually-"). When we said, "question your sources," we didn't mean "question the people who know better than you, while blindly accepting the (more than likely biased) education you were given in the past."

What this does NOT include:

Fanfiction

FANfiction

FanFICTION

FANFICTION.

Seriously, fanfiction is literally UNPAID WORK from RANDOM FANS- a lot of which who are or have started as kids. ((No, I'm not trying to excuse racist depictions of people just because they're free, please see above where I talk about learning to grow a skill and how it's possible tone bad and get good, on top of the fact that some inaccuracies are not just willful ignorance))

"Looking it up" doesn't work

"Looking it up" almost never works

Please, for fucks sake, you know that most all online search engines are heavily biased, right? Not to mention, not everything is universal across the entirety of Japan. You want to look up how the school system works in Hokkaido? Well it's different from the ones in Osaka!

Most fanfiction is meant to be an idealized version of the world. Homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, ableism, and racism are very prevalent and heavy topics that some fan authors would prefer to avoid. (Keep in mind, this is also used by some people in those minorities often because thinking about how relevant those kinds of things are is to them every day).

A lot of shit that happens in writing is purely because it's an ideal setting. I've seen a few arguments recently about how fan authors portray Japanese schools wrong- listen, I can't tell you how many random school systems I have pulled from my ass purely because (I need them to interact at these points, in these ways). Sometimes the only compliment I can think of is 'I like your shirt' or sometimes I need character A to realize that character B likes the same thing as they do, so I might ignore the fact that most all Japanese schools require uniforms, so that I can put my character in a shirt that will get someone else's attention.

Sometimes it's difficult to find information on different types of systems, and sometimes when you DO know those things, they directly rule out a plot point that needs to happen (like back on the topic of schools (from what I've seen/heard/read- which guess what? Despite being from multiple sources, might still be inaccurate!) Japanese schools don't have mandatory elective classes (outside of like gym and most of them usually learn English or another language- I've seen stuff about art classes? But the information across the board varies.), but, if I need my character to walk in and see someone completely in their element, I'm probably not going to try and gun for accuracy or make up a million and two reasons as to why this (non elective) person would possibly need something from (elective teacher) after school of all things.)

Some experiences ARE universal- or at least overlap American and Japanese norms! Like friends going to fast food places after school doesn't /sound Japanese/ or whatever, but it's not like a horrible inaccuracy to say that your characters ate at McDonald's because they were hungry. Especially when you consider that the Japanese idolization of American "culture" is also a thing.

Also I saw someone complaining about how, in December, a lot of (usually westerners) write Christmas fics! Well, not only are quite a few of those often gift fics, with it being the season if giving and all, but Japanese people do celebrate Christmas! Not as "the birth of Christ," but rather as a popularized holiday about gift giving (also pst: America isn't the only place that celebrates Christmas)

But, on that note, sometimes things like Holidays are "willfully ignorant" of what actually happens (I've made this point several times, but (also this does by no means excuse actual racism)), because, again: plot convenience! Hey what IF they celebrated Halloween by Trick or Treating? What if Easter was a thing and they got to watch their kids or younger siblings crawl around on the ground looking for tiny plastic eggs?

Fanfiction authors can put in hours of work for one or two thousand words- let alone ten thousand words, fifty thousand words, a hundred thousand words. And all of these are free. There is absolutely no (legal) way to make money off of their fanworks, but they spent hours, days, weeks, months- sometimes even years- writing. It is so unnecessary to EXPECT or REQUIRE them to spend even more hours looking up shit that, no offense, almost no one is going to notice. No one is going go care that all of my combini prices are accurate or that I wrote a fic with a Japanese map of a train station that I had to backwards search three times to find an English version that I could read.

Not everyone has the attention span or ability to spend hours of research before writing a single word. Neurodivergent people are literally a thing yall. Instead of producing the perfectly pretty accurate version of Japan that people want to happen, what ACTUALLY happens is that the writer reads and reads and reads and either never finds the information they need or they lose the motivation to write.

^^^ (This does NOT apply to indigenous or native peoples, like Pacific Islanders or tribes that exist in real life. Please make sure that you portray tribal minorities accurately. If you can't find the information you need (assuming that the content of the series is not specifically about a tribe), please just make one up (and for fucks sake, recognize that a lot of what you've been taught about tribal practices, such as shit like human sacrifices or godly worship, is actually just propaganda.)

Not to mention, it often puts a wall in front of readers who would then need to pull up their OWN information (that may or may not be biased) just in order to interact with the fic ((okay, this one has a little bit of arguability when it comes to things like measurements and currency, because Americans don't know what a meter is and no one else knows what a foot is- either way, one of yall is going to have to look up measurements if they want to get a better understanding of the fic)). However, a lot of Americans who do write using 'feet, Fahrenheit, dollars,' also write for their American followers or friends (which really could go both ways).

On a less easily arguable side, most fic readers aren't going to open up a new tab just to search everything that the author has written (re the whole deep topics, not everyone wants to read about those sorts of things, either). Not only are you making it more difficult on the writer, but you're also making it more difficult for the reader who's now wondering why you decided to add in Grandma's Katsudon recipe, and whether or not the details you have added are accurate.

Some series, themselves, ignore Japanese norms! Piercings, hair dye, and incorrectly wearing ones uniform are frowns upon in Japanese schools- sometimes up to inflicting punishment on those students because of it. However, some anime characters still have naturally or dyed blond hair some of them still have piercings or wear their uniforms wrong. Some series aren't set specifically in Japan, but rather in a vague based-off-real-life Japan that's just slightly different (like Haikyuu and all of its different prefectures). Sometimes they're based on real places, but real places that have gone through major changes (like the Hero Academia series with its quirks and shit).

Fandom is not a full time job. Please stop treating it like it is one. Most people in fandoms have to engage in other things like school or work that most definitely take precident over frantically Googling the cultural implications of dying your hair pink in Japan.

Art is also meant to be a creative freedom and is almost always a hobby, so there are a few cracks that tend to spark debate. Like I said, it is still a hobby, something that's meant to be fun (on this note!)

If trying new things and expanding your portfolio is genuinely making you upset, it's okay to take a break from it. You're not going to get it right on the first try and please, please to everyone out there critiquing artists' works, please take this into account before you post things.

I'm sorry to say, but, while it gets frustrating to see the same things done wrong over and over again, some people are genuinely trying. If it matters enough for you to point out, please offer solutions or resources that would possibly help the artist do better (honestly this could be said about a lot of online activism). I get that they should "want" to do better (and maybe they don't and your annoyance towards them is completely justified- again, as I said, if this becomes a repeated offense and they don't listen to or care about the people trying to help them, yeah you can be a bitch if it helps you feel better- just please don't assume that everyone is willfully ignorant of how hurtful/upsetting/annoying a certain way of portraying things is), but also WANTING to do better and ACTUALLY doing better are two different things.

Maybe they didn't realize what they were doing was inaccurate. Maybe they didn't have the right tutorials. Maybe they tried to look it up, but that failed them. Either way, to some- especially neurodivergent artists- just being told that their work is bad or racist or awful isn't going to make them want to search for better resources in order to be more accurate, it's just going to make them give up.

Also! In fic and in writing, no one is going to get it right on the first try. Especially at the stage where we creators ARE merely in fan spaces is a great time to "fuck around and find out", before we bring our willfully or accidentally racist shit into monetized media. Absolutely hold your fan creators to higher standards, but literally fan work has so little actual impact on popular media (and this goes for just about every debate about fan spaces), and constructive criticism as well as routine practice can mean worlds for representation in future media. NOT allowing for mistakes in micro spaces like fandoms is how you get genuinely harmful or just... bad... portrayals of minorities in popularized media that DOES have an impact on the greater public. OR you get a bunch of creators who are too afraid to walk out of their own little bubbles, because what if they get it wrong and everyone turns against them. It's better to just "stick with what they know" (hobbies are something that you are meant to get better at, even if that is a slow road- for all of my writers and artists out there, it does take time, but you will get it. To everyone else, please do speak up about things that are wrong, but don't make it all about what's wrong and please don't be rude. It's frustrating on both ends, so, if you can, please try not to escalate the situation more.)

Anyways, I'm tired of everyone holding fictional characters to American Puritanical standards, but I'm also tired of seeing every "stop Americanizing fandom" somehow loop into fanfiction and how all authors who don't make their fics as accurate as possible are actually just racist and perpetuating or enabling America's take over of the world or some shit.

Fan interpretation of published media is different than fan creation of mon monetized media. Americans dominating or monopolizing spaces meant for all fans (especially in a fandom that was never meant for them to begin with) is annoying and can be harmful sometimes. Americans writing out their own personal experience using random fictional characters (more often than not) isn't.

#just google it #better represent real life #if you tell a fic reader to ngl you're being pretty ableist and don't really have a good idea of how search engines work #also when people DO try to make culturally accurate fics often times at least one or two people will pop in and say 'actually that's wrong'#not to mention sometimes they might not even be right to begin with...#and okay once or twice it is what it is #but seriously if this keeps happening over and over most people are just going to stop writing or caring #fanfiction #fanfiction is literally free #fanfiction is free labor #adding layers upon layers of research and knowledge needed- on top of how difficult it can be to portray human emotion #it's not going to it's just going to make once starry eyed writers loss their ability to enjoy their work #and guess what #some ACTUALLY racist (or homophobic or transphobic or misogynistic) writer is going to swoop in not giving two fucks #and they're going to go on and get their work published because they don't care about accuracy

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honeypirate · 4 years ago

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In Madness lies Sanity

Ushijima Wakatoshi x Reader - College AU

Based off the bit by Allan Watts. I read the transcript and I thought— Ushijima in love with his best friend listening to this talk about love in one of his classes and realizing that he needs to tell them the truth. Allan watts bit is in blue, the fic is in white.

Ushijima wasn’t one to dwell too long on trivial matters. He works through them and then forgets them. He focuses on what is important and what will bring him closer to his desired future. He isn’t one who is sucked into madness and drama, he has a strong level head and it’s something he takes pride in. So he’s trying to apply his ideas to how he handles his feelings for you, is it trivial? Is it important to tell you? He was struggling before he walked into class Monday morning and had his eyes opened by the video played during lecture.

- I’m going to talk to you about a particularly virulent and dangerous form of divine madness which is called falling in love. Which is, from a practical point of view, one of the most insane things you can do, or that can happen to you. Because in the eyes of a given woman or a given man, an opposite who go to the eyes of everybody else a perfectly plain and ordinary person can appear to be God or Goddess incarnate .... And this is an extraordinary disruptive experience a subversive experience in the conduct of human affairs

You were never a plain and ordinary person to him and he believes that’s where it got confused. He always has and always will see you as an extraordinary individual, regardless of things that may be seen as flaws or imperfections, regardless of your mistakes. You didn’t transform from one thing to the next, you were the same angel he knew, so when his heart flipped from friendship to love, he wasn’t paying attention.

- Because you never know when it will strike off for what reason. It’s something like contracting a very chronic disease once you get into it

If anyone asked Ushijima who his best friend is his first thought is you. His first thought thought is always you. His constant. His true best friend who is there for him through anything. He’ll open his mouth and say “y/n is my best friend” and when people would point out just how close they are he just shrugged, weren’t friends supposed to be close?

When he thinks back now, now that his feelings are obvious, he realizes that it was just a matter of time until he fell in love with you. He can pinpoint every moment along his life where love was obvious, every joke and hug that at the time he thought was just nice, when he loaned you his sweatshirt and then didn’t wash it because it smelled like you. When he would spend all his valuable and limited free time with you just because he liked the way you would smile as he walked you home. He thinks back to all of his dates in high school and college, of the dating app conversations he’s had or blind dates his friends had set up, and they all failed because of one simple reason- none of them were you.

- I would like to make some reflections on this particular form of madness, and to raise again a very disturbing question. And this disturbing question is as follows: Is it only when you are in love with another person that you see them as they really are? And in the ordinary way, when you are not in love with people you see only a fragmented version of that being.

He’s spent hours turned to days to weeks as he keeps thinking about whether or not he loves you or if he just thinks he could because of how close you already are. He’s lost track of time connecting different dots and making different lists and theories, replaying you’re entire friendship back in his head. He’s thought about the times he saw you drunk in college and puking on his shoes as he helps you home, when you decided you wanted to try and longboard and turfed it so bad your arm was gashed from wrist to elbow and he had carried you to the urgent care. all your reckless and crazy ideas you dragged him along with, you were almost as bad as tendou but he just wanted to take care of you as best as he could. He can feel the desire in his bones to make sure you were always taken care of, a feeling he knows he’ll have until he dies.

He thinks about when you had dated Oikawa and for the entire three months he had an ulcer but didn’t know why. He thought it was because of his pain relievers and quit them the week you broke up with him, not realizing the connection. When he’d get acid in his throat when you talked about dating someone else, he thought he just needed some milk. How blind he had been.

-Because when you are in love with someone you do indeed see them as a divine being. And suppose that’s what they are truly. And your eyes have by your beloved been opened in which case your beloved is serving to you as a kind of guru. An initiator. And that is why there is a form of sexual yoga, based on the idea that man and woman are to each other as mutual guru and student. And through a tremendous outpouring of psychic energy in total devotion and worship to this other person who is respectively the goddess of the god.

Being someone’s best and closest friend consisted of seeing their entirety and choosing to stay and love them anyway. To care for them. He can’t say for certain where he crossed over into love, into wanting to hug you and kiss you, wanting to be the only one you think about, but there’s not much he can do about it now and he doesn’t want to.

Ushijima sees you. He sees your good and your bad and everything in between, he sees you for you. Your ordinary mundane ways of life that he can’t help but want to share with you. Grocery shopping, library trips, post office runs, he wants them all to be done with you. He truly cannot imagine anyone else taking that spot in his heart.

Wanting to show you what he sees. What he knows to be true about you. he wants to scream from the rooftops how amazing you are and he’s not a very loud person. He sees the way you care for your friends selflessly and give and give all you have just so that others can be happy and you never complain. You do what you can when you can and still have time to take care of yourself he never knew how you did it so effortlessly, even when you’d vent to him you never regretted helping others.

He sees the way you lift up those around you. How you leave everyone a little more positive than before you talked to them. He doesn’t know how you do it. He’s convinced you’re an angel and he’s dying to show you just how amazing he knows you are. But he doesn’t want to ruin your friendship. He sees your entirety, your full book instead of just the cover, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He wanted to give you this energy and receive it in turn and he’s never been so absolutely terrified.

-You realize by total fusion and contact with the other organism. You go down to the divine center in them and it bounces back and you discover your own or you could put it in this way which is another aspect of it that by falling in love and regarding falling in love not just as a sort of sexual infatuation, because it’s always more than that, isn’t it. I mean you can have a great sexual enjoyment with a pleasant friend, you know. But you may do so simply because he or she appeals to your aesthetic senses. But when you fall in love, it’s a much more serious involvement, you just cannot forget this person. You feel miserable when not in their presence, you’re always yearning, that’s get to see more of each other let’s get together that’s we’re completely entangled and then you see you’ve actually kind of out what I would call spiritual element has been introduced. And the Hindus were sensible enough to realize that this was a means of awakening, enlightenment, and therefore it was. Surrounded. With a sort of rigid religious ritual meditative art, with a form of sexual yoga that is designed to allow the feeling of mutual love to the extent of grand passion to have an extremely fitting fulfillment and expression.

Ushijima has always thought you were beautiful. Any human with eyes would think that. But your beauty and attraction went far deeper than that. Sure he’s had fleeting thoughts about how good you looked in a dress but he never let them linger. It felt wrong to think of you like that. But now that he’s an adult, a grown man and not a teenager anymore, he wants to kiss you, to hold your hand, maybe more but it wasn’t about that. It was about the intimacy, the closeness, the vulnerability.

Awakening. Enlightenment. Two words that before he didn’t really think about. But now he feels changed. Now that he’s realized how much he loves you has lifted his spirits, made him dream of the passion and happiness you could have together. He feels himself slipping into the joy of being in love with his best friend and imagining all the ways that love could grow. He feels only half of himself when he’s without you, always needing to see you or be around you, but you never made him feel clingy or bad. You met him in kind, telling him how much you wanted to be around him too.

At first he thought that this love was a trivial thing, something he could push from his mind, but after his weeks of thought he knows this is a lot more serious than he’s experienced before.

-Falling in love is a thing that strikes like lightning and is therefore extremely analogous to the mystical vision. We don’t know. No how really people attain the mystical vision. There is not as yet a very clear rationale as to how it happens because we do know that it is opened to many people who never did anything to look for it. And many people especially in adolescence have had the mystical vision all of a sudden without the slightest warning and with no previous interest in that kind of thing

He remembers what he was doing when it dawned on him that he was in love, when he felt the air leave his lungs and his eyes widen softly when he realized how nice it would be to kiss your temple and he couldn’t even finish the thought as the feeling ran from his head to his toes.

He was standing in your kitchen as you finished making your lunch for the following day and you made a joke that made yourself laugh, he didn’t think it was a very funny joke but you didn’t care. You giggled to yourself and he couldn’t help but wish he could witness that forever. It hit him like a brick that he would, in almost an instant, give his entirety to you. It terrified him when he imagines you and him ending like his parents. But behind the terror, the fear of divorce, was a softer and quieter emotion that he tried to focus on harder than the insanity of his anxiety. A softer, lovelier, hopeful feeling that he usually gets every time you smile at him. That was the feeling he was searching for, everything else was irrelevant for a few glorious moments.

-But as yet we are not clear as to why it comes about and if there is any method of attaining it the best one is probably to give up the whole idea of getting it…. you see it is completely unpredictable and so it is in that way like falling in love, capricious and therefore crazy. But if you should be so fortunate as to encounter either of these experiences. It seems to me to be a total denial of life to refuse it. And what we therefore have to. Admit in our society is so that we can contain this kind of madness.

He called Tendou that evening, telling him that he thinks he loves you, and Tendou about had a conniption. He was in Paris as his best friend fell in love for the first time. He talked him through it, told him how good it can be. That yes it was going to be work but the reward would be worth it. To not sell himself short out of his own fears. He deserves much more than that. Tendou’s last phrase is what sunk in deep “I know it was unpredictable, that it feels so fickle, but that’s what love is like buddy! You can’t deny it Ushi, you can’t run from it or hide from it, it will only hurt you in the long run”

- You see, in this way we can think about and structure the necessary stable social institution of family sometime without it being constantly threatened of foundering on the rocks of love. Now you see this then means that when when people marry they take any vows at all to each other instead of saying that they will always be true to each other in the sense of meaning I Will Always Love YoU, It means I will be true to you in the sense of I will always be truthful to. I will not pretend that my feelings towards you ARE other than what they are. Because I marry you, because I think that you are a reasonable person to live with and therefore I want you to be you I want you to be someone else I want to be a rubber stamp of me–how boring that would be?! an arrangement in which people set each other free and make an alliance to cooperate with each other in certain ways. Now if it should so occur that they are of immense sexual attraction to each other, so much the better? That this should not be a primary factor in entering into marriage. Admittedly, you must be to a certain extent attractive to each other otherwise there will be no progeny. But this is this is seems to me to be a sensible and reasonable view and just because it is sensible and reasonable it can accommodate what is not sensible and reasonable which is falling in love.

Ushijima is terrified. He’s terrified because the instant immediate joy he felt when he realized he loved you was almost overtaken by worries and stress. He loves you! Now what? He loves structure in his life and he values stability but he knows how rocky relationships can be and how they can ultimately end. He knows he won’t deny it, he won’t back away because of his fear but he needs a plan. A plan to take to you and talk about it, he knows you’ll have the right thing to say but he doesn’t even know what he’ll even say to you yet. He loves that you are so carefree and goofy, a breath of fresh air to his stoicism. You’ve even gently worked your way so deep into his soul that you feel like his other half, his complete other in every way, someone who wasn’t like him at all and how wonderful that is.

Once in his life he thought that arranged marriages were smarter, you did it out of logic and bloodline and family, nothing messy to deal with. But that structure, that boring empty rocky foundation that an arrangement might bring made his mouth taste bad, although at the time he convinced himself it was because it would be more like another job that takes up his time (away from you)

Sensible and reasonable was right up his alley, he thought how nice it would be to have a mini him but he couldn’t think about having that with anyone. He couldn’t think of another half of dna that baby would share that would make it worth it. Not until he saw a picture of you holding your nephew, now whenever he thinks of his babies they share your genes. He thinks of a chunky baby with your eyes and his hair color, a mix of your personality and he’d share volleyball with them. He’s never wanted kids as much as he does when he thinks about sharing them with you. And that’s the part that feels senseless, the love part, the part where you give your entirety to someone and trust that they will care and keep you, no matter what happens, save its not infidelity or other deal breakers of yours he already knows.

Ushijima’s theorizing and thoughts about you over the course of time went from being about understanding why he feels like this to imagining fake scenarios where he wants to take you abroad to travel together, to be together every day and share the hard times and good times, babies or not, marriage or not. He just wants to make you happy for the rest of his life no matter what and he can’t go on much longer without knowing he has a chance to do so

- Well now really when we go back then to falling in love. And say it’s crazy falling. You see we don’t say rising into love. There is in it the idea of the fall. And it is goes back as a matter of fact two extremely fundamental things that there is always a curious tie at some point between the fall and the creation. Taking this ghastly risk, is the condition of there being life. You see, for all life is an act of faith and an act of gamble

And so here he was. Sitting on a bench outside of your dorm, feet bouncing as he stared at the small patch of grass growing in between the sidewalk crack. It’s been a while since that class and he’s been thinking about this constantly.

He knows the risk, feels it in his heart every time he meets up separately with his parents since their divorce. He sees it every time he remembers his childhood and the messy separation. That mess he never wants to repeat. The fall that comes with this love is like that class video had told him, ghastly. He doesn’t know if this could ruin it all, if he takes the leap of faith and it all comes crumbling down years later he’ll be just another divorce. He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to end up like his parents and have a child who feels the same. But when he imagines his life he doesn’t think he could be haply without you by his side.

- the moment you take a step, you do so on an act of faith, because you don’t really know that the floors not going to give in to your feet. The moment you take a journey what an act of faith. The moment you enter into any kind of human undertaking in relationship what an act of faith you see you’ve given yourself up. But this is the most powerful thing that can be done surrender see and love is an act of surrender to another person. Total abandonment. I give myself to you. Take me, do anything you like with me. So, that’s quite mad because you see it’s letting things get out of control all sensible people keep things in control.

You know something is up the moment you open the doors and see his back on the bench. You were going to his place since he wasn’t answering his phone, you freeze at the doors at watch him for a moment as your anxiety spikes in your stomach. His shoulders are tense as he leans forward, elbows on his thighs and hands clasped together as he looks down between his bouncing feet. Before you really think about it, you follow the urge to comfort him, to talk to him and make sure it’s all okay. Your feet carry you quickly to his side and you sit down, pulling him into a side hug and wrapping your arms around him.

He gasps when you sit and as you’re wrapping your arms around him he furrows his brows and hugs you back. His heart racing As his fears take the back burner. He didn’t expect you to find him but he also didn’t know how long he’s been sitting here. He buries his face into your neck as he you hold each other in the cool spring evening.

“What’s wrong?” You ask as you hold him and feels his walls break down, his arms tighten around you

“I’m scared” he says quietly and his voice cracks

“Of what Toshi? You can always talk to me” Your fingers run through his hair softly and it soothes his nerves.

He pulls back and cups your cheeks, his eyebrows were still furrowed and his stoic expression was broken by his eyes that were swimming with worry and insecurity.

You saw everything in his eyes and you met him with your determination and steady unwavering love he finds in your eyes. God he feels so mad. So incredibly and undeniably mad and insane and like he isn’t in control. He needs to tell you. Needs the words to come out of his throat so he can calm his heart and soothe his ulcer. The anxiety felt like it was immeasurable and his breathing was starting to get faster until you placed your hands on his cheeks, smothering the bad feelings completely “it’s okay Wakatoshi, I’m right here”

Ushijima feels the exact moment his heart relaxes into the faith, the surrender into love trusting that the floor isn’t going to collapse under his feet, the moment he gives his whole self, body and soul, to the fall, and that moment was when your lips touched his for the first time. Then he let go, the madness left his body and was replaced with a calm assurance that yes, yes this was it, what he’s been waiting for, what he’s been yearning for.

- for all the cost and wisdom what is really sensible is to let go that is to commit oneself to give oneself up and that’s quite mad,

-so we come to the strange conclusion that in madness lies sanity.

#ushijima wakatoshi x you #ushijima wakatoshi x reader #ushijima #ushijima x y/n #ushijima x reader #ushijima x you #haikyuu xreader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu ushiwaka #haikyuu ushijima #haikyuu wakatoshi #wakatoshi fluff #ushijima fluff #ushijima fanfic #haikyuu fanfiction

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maddiviner · 4 years ago

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Could studyblogging jumpstart your personal grimoire?

A witch should be a lifelong learner. To practice effective magic, you must grow in new directions at a constant pace. A witch should approach magic with a sense of devotion to their own growth.

I’ve practiced magic and divination for two decades now. The most solid advice I can give? Start journaling. Start keeping a notebook. Start studying.

Witches who keep a notebook record their research and ideas about the Craft. This helps them build a wide repository of knowledge, right there when they need it.

The format and content of my notebooks changed a lot over the years. But they all helped me become the witch I am today. I devoted the bulk of these notebooks to my journey in magic, techniques to try, and lessons learned.

There are few people who haven’t studied. In school, we pore over geometry and classic literature in hot pursuit of elusive high marks. We spent time learning about our interests. Whether that’s witchcraft, philosophy, or astronomy, notes are helpful.

Everyone learns in a different fashion. Still, studying and learning about the world remains with us from our first breath, to the last. My Craft took leaps forward when this dawned on me. I’d always enjoyed school. I realized that I could apply the same study techniques to witchcraft and the occult.

What’s studyblogging?!

As a regular user of both Tumblr and Instagram, I soon came across the studyblogging trend.

Caitlyn Tiffany of The Verge describes the studyblogging phenomenon as “a beautiful, stressful wonderland.” An apt description! But what is a studyblog?

Studyblogging hashtags like #studyblr and #studygram are popular (on Tumblr and Instagram, respectively).

For someone just coming across the phenomenon, though? It can be difficult to penetrate this strange world. Expect calligraphic chaos, a plethora of highlighters, and fine-tuned aesthetics.

Studyblogging focuses on the quest for knowledge. In practice, studyblogs share tips and handwritten notes on various subjects. Studybloggers encourage each other to be the best learners they can be.

The photos of notes, assignments, and other tasks make up the bulk of the phenomenon. Studyblogs often feature photos of elaborate calligraphy and heavy illustration in note form.

Expect to see self-made diagrams of mitochondria. Essay outlines on postcolonial theory with nigh-perfect bubble lettering. Vast, illustrated mind-maps of Shakespearean themes. It's a big community, and there's room for a lot. Room for witches? I think so!

Studyblogging for Witches

In witchcraft, our grimoires function much like a non-magical student's study notes. The content, and some of the form, may differ, but the principles are the same.

The quest for an aesthetically-pleasing grimoire stymies many a beginner (and not-so-beginner) witch. The wise remind us that our grimoires needn’t be complex. Functionality is more important than aesthetics in most cases.

That said, there is something worthwhile about keeping a grimoire that suits you. A grimoire can speak to your soul, both by way of aesthetic appeal and your own abilities. For some of us, this might mean a lavishly-illustrated tome. Others might find minimalist styles more resonating. It varies.

The truth is that yes, your grimoire needn’t look a certain way or be perfect. Still, a level of aesthetic appeal can help with information retention. It can also boost your magical productivity. Humans respond in an intuitive fashion to that which they consider beautiful.

Aesthetics can help to put you into a liminal state. Liminality can be a powerful tool in self-improvement. This, in turn, is useful not only for normal studying, but also for the Craft itself.

If you see art as part of your life path, you might find that approaching your grimoire as a work of art helpful. Part of this means realizing that it won’t be perfect, but also always striving to learn and grow.

Studyblogging, as a community, showcases a lot of excellent notebook and journal-keeping techniques. Studybloggers often provide tutorials and guides to effective learning methods.

This is, of course, all while celebrating the joy of learning itself. Traditional studying methods can apply to magical topics. I have found that the techniques of the studyblogger can help with keeping a useful grimoire.

Ask your intuition if studyblogging is right for you!

Will studyblogging help you? For some students, lurking or keeping a studyblog inspires and motivates them. It also increases accountability. By posting their goals and progress, studybloggers have an impetus to progress.

In a way, it’s a bit like livestreaming a video game - it makes the experience more challenging, and also more exciting. The difference, of course, is that, in this case, your game is learning!

And the notes? Many find the calligraphy, fancy scripts, and illustration soothing. It can be a way of making otherwise impenetrable subjects more captivating.

Without a doubt, aesthetic presentation improves information retention for some people. Humans have a positive response to beautiful imagery.

Some folks find the gorgeous landscape of studygram and studyblr overwhelming and anxiety-inducing. Gorgeous calligraphy notes, after all, aren't easy for most people.

For some, posting about your studies on a blog might only increase worry. We're all different, and studyblog techniques are hardly universal in form.

You should use your intuition to decide whether to dip into this community. Ask yourself whether an audience will help your quest for deeper knowledge.

Will you feel empowered, or nervous about it? If you struggle with comparing yourself to others, you might find studyblogging discouraging.

I myself am somewhat of a perfectionist. For me, though, the artistic aspects of note taking and information illustration soothe me. Studyblogging suits me, but will it help you?

You should tailor your learning experience to your own strengths. If that means studyblogging won’t help you, be honest with yourself and don’t chase the anxiety of it all. Find another method of learning.

Browse some existing studyblogs - I recommend EmmaStudies and StudyQuill. Ask yourself how it makes you feel. Do the images and writing seems inspirational?

Would you enjoy sharing your work with the world? Studyblogging might become an ally on your magical path!

Taking the Plunge

So, how do you start a studyblog? How do you get involved in the community?

The most popular studyblogging platforms are Instagram and Tumblr. Instagram lends itself to posting tons of pictures and very short-form posts. Tumblr favors longer prose.

When I started studyblogging, I created both a studyblr and a studygram. I recommend starting a new account on the site of your preference for studyblogging.

Follow some existing studybloggers as a way of introducing yourself to the community! Also, follow the hashtags #studyblr and #studygram, to start.

What to study?

Studyblogging features students focused on all kinds of topics. I’ve been studyblogging for over a year. In case you’re wondering, it's rare for someone to complain about my witchy take on studyblogging.

You’ll find the studyblogging community very welcoming in most cases. But what will you study? I always recommend witches focus on only one or two things they’d most like to learn at a time.

Studyblogging lends itself well to in-depth topical research. This can mean learning the signs and language of astrology or the basics of gemstone magic.

Topics like shadow work or personal Tarot readings might be a bit too personal to blog about. Those might be better suited to normal, private journaling rather than a blog. My own studyblogging tends to focus on my writing preparation, astrology, and Tarot.

Though I’ve been reading for over twenty years, there is always something new to learn about Tarot. Astrology, like Tarot, is a lifelong discipline. Though I’ve only recently made my first steps into it, there is much to learn. My writing, especially the book I’m working on, has its own notebook.

Possible topics include, but are in no way limited to:

Crystals and gemstones

Astrology

Spellcraft

Mythology and legends

Magical history

Energy work techniques

Seasonal and Lunar cycles

Herbology

Tarot, Lenormand, or oracle deck divination!

It is important to choose topics that interest you in a personal way. At the same time, try not to get distracted. Witchcraft includes many paths of study. Try not to jump from topic to topic - finish what you start!

Supplies

If you’re in school, you may already have a lot of the tools necessary for studying. If not, you can get them for an affordable price in most cases.

Paper matters! You'll want a notebook or loose leaf binder paper. For hardbound notebooks, you can’t go wrong with a Leuchtturm 1917. That popular notebook boasts dot grid paper, includes page numbers and a place for an index.

Seeking something more aesthetic? Check out the Paperblanks series from Peter Pauper Press. You might also like the notebooks you can order from Citrus Bookbindery. For me, a binder (I use A5 size) works best, because I can add and remove pages as necessary.

You can find some great guides out there about organizing grimoires. Much of that advice applies here. Your notebooks will soon fill the role of a grimoire. They will contain your notes, research, and more.

It is usually best to have one notebook (or binder) for each subject you’re studying. As you move forward, you’ll have a collection of grimoire notebooks on different topics.

You’ll also need pens or pencils. Really, you only need one. If you feel like getting fancy, you can get multicolored fineliners. I prefer Sakura Micron pens. They use waterproof micropigments that don't bleed when you highlight over your writing.

Highlighters are fun! These add color to your notes and help emphasize the important things. If you want nice highlighters, I recommend Mildliners. Any highlighters will do, though - choose colors that appeal to you. I recommend several different colors, because that allows you to color-code your notes.

Plan!

Plan out, at least in a rough fashion, how you’d like to organize your notes. This can be rather freeform, or complex, depending on your preference.

When I began my astrology journey, I knew what sections I would include in my stars grimoire. I also created a rough map of the path I’d take in my research.

I began with the simple Zodiac signs. I then moved forward through the planets, houses, aspects and transits. My organization, loose though it was, benefited from my use of a binder which allowed me to add and remove pages.

No matter the notebook, it is important to have, somewhere, a rough idea of where you’re going.

You will also find it important to set attainable, realistic, and measurable goals. For me, this was things like memorizing the astrological house system. I set the goal of reading my astrology textbooks completely and summarizing them. This kind of goal leads to personal accountability.

I also created a set of astrological flashcards for my Tarot-related work. It can be motivational to post your goals on your studyblog in some form. Then, you can provide your followers with regular updates on your progress.

Start posting!

Once you feel ready, go ahead and introduce yourself to the studyblogging community! An introductory post, explaining who you are, your goals, and methods, will help others get to know you.

I recommend tagging your posts with studyblogging hashtags (mentioned above). Also include some witchcraft-related tags! This will help you connect with other witches who might be helpful on your journey.

Don’t be shy when it comes to posting photographs (taken with a phone or other camera) of your notes! You might not feel that your notes are as neat or pretty as other bloggers. Regardless, they’re unique and might resonate with others!

If you’re taking notes about a very personal topic, like shadow work, you might want to forgo the pictures. Some bloggers obfuscate or blur potentially sensitive parts of their notes. You’ll likely find nothing but encouragement for sharing your research topics, though!

Some studybloggers will also photograph their study space. Some of us even use photos of fun things like their breakfast or pets to illustrate their updates. If pictures don’t suit you, post regular bits about your life and your progress towards your goals.

Get to know other bloggers! This is important, whether they’re witches or from the studyblogging community. Both can be helpful!

Watch or read some of the tutorials you’ll find in the studyblogging community. These focus on things like calligraphy, organization, and memory techniques.

While your notes needn’t have fancy headings, calligraphy can be fun to learn. I don’t currently use calligraphy in my notes, but am learning it on the side, so to speak.

I find it relaxing, and you might enjoy it too. If not, don't feel bad - not everyone uses fancy handwriting, and that's okay!

Moving Forward

If, after a few weeks, you find yourself really vibing with studyblogging, stick with it! Most witches would agree that there’s no real wrong way to be a witch. To me, though, there are wrong (and right) ways for you yourself to learn and grow in your craft.

You need to find what works for you, what adheres to your soul and keeps you connected. If studyblogging ends up helping you, and I hope it will, keep going!

After a while you might find yourself ready to move onto another topic. We all end up “graduating” forward onto other subjects. You’ll quickly find that your grimoires will be an invaluable record.

They will contain not just your gathered information, but also your intuition, insight, and more. Cherish your notebooks - they will come to reflect your essence!

#magic #witchcraft #witchblr #witch #studyblr #occult #pagan #journal #book of shadows #grimoire #eliza.txt #eliza reads

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azazelsconfessional · 3 years ago

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((so i was gonna open up my askbox again but I got distracted doing this and watching streams i think idr what i did the past few hours, buuut there's something I need to cover first, especially since there are so many new people around! Hello! Especially since so many of you are playing OCs/MCs.

Don't worry, it's a tip to hopefully help you along! It may get a little long, especially as I try and provide examples. . .but hopefully it'll help.

I'm gonna talk a lot about OCs but this applies to canon characters too a bit. It certainly helps.

Tl;dr, you should have a character profile page.

(also remember that tumblr mobile doesn't really have direct access to Pages made with the Pages function on desktop, so you'll have to link them manually in your pinned or description or host them on another site(I used Google Docs in the apst) or in a regular post(this makes it very easy to lose as a forewarning) for maximum accessibility!)

(rules pages are also really really handy if you have alot of resteictions.)

So, in general, OCs have a bit of a lower reception rate in rp. Idk if that'll be the case here with MCs because they're, well, the main character. Housamo is also a series that lends itself well to OCs pretty well, especially non-human ones, but I figured I'd warn for that.

BUT. That doesn't mean you shouldn't play an OC! It just means there are things you need to keep in mind!

Think of all of the OCs you've seen--you all seem to be fun and wonderful people, and your characters are surely interesting. But. . .if you don't tell anybody about them, nobody will know what's going on or where to start, which makes asking questions a little hard, right? That's easier to work around with MC characters--we've played the game, we know the story, we know the characters, so we can figure out questions fairly easily based on that alone and go from there.

But with other OCs, especially those that don't represent charactera from mythology or fiction like many other characters in housamo do, there's like. Nowhere to start. We may see a face or some dialogue, but otherwise we don't have a frame of reference.

That's where a profile comes in!

Azazel-mun, I don't want to share all of the info about my character at once!

What if I don't know everything about my OC yet and want to figure it out along thw way?

The profile doesn't have to be super detailed! At most it shoule include things like the character's name and age and probably things like their location, profession, grade in school or place of work, etc., and anything you'd notice on the surface like their apperance. It's never a bad thing to include a description of their personality too, or a small section about their history/background. Little things that even you should probably know, too.

You can also section your profile off a bit into things like "surface info," "meta info," "things you could easily figure out about them," etc. That way, no one can spoil themself. Making lists like this can help you think these things through if you haven't already as well.

Let's use Azazel, a character that you probably know already, as an example here. I don't have a profile set

Name: Azazel

Species: Fallen Angel; Capra Therian - an anthropomorphic Goat (?)

Gender(pronouns): Male(he/him)

Age: difficult to calculate; several thousand years old?

Apperance age: hard to say, he's not human. Adult.

Origins: banished from his home world of Eden, has been in the human world for several thousand years

Profession: Priest of dubious denomination, most likely Catholic or Protestant; teacher at Daikanyama Academy; de facto head of the Missionaries Non-Profit charity Organization; supervisor of the Aoyama Missionaries

Role & Rule: Watcher; Revelation - allows him to see anything within the territory of the Aoyama Missionaries and anywhere the pages of his Artifact see

Apperance: Azazel is a 5'10"(180cm) tall, anthropomorphic goat of ambiguous breed, with fawn fur all over his body and lighter fur on his head and around his neck. He has brown, riged horns which curve out and back. Though his eyes are often closed, when opened they're red. He always carried around a leather bound bible with an eye on the cover, and is never seen without several chains on his person, although only the one(s) around his neck can be seen unless he's undressed.

He wears a black priest's cassock with a maroon sash and a capelet of the same color, with the same eye as on his bible on the shoulders of the cape, and brown dress shoes. The front of the robe is always open to expose his bare chest and the chains beneath.

Personality: Azazel is kind and doting, very fitting of both a teacher and priest, although his openly flirtatious, lustful, and secretive nature causes others to distrust him. He doesn't mind this at all. He has a strong adoration for humans, and values love in all of its forms more than anything. He's a bit of a passive person, often being unmotivated but working hard regardless, and seems to prefer to watch others and the world go by, although he won't decline most invitations to take part in it. He is always aware of anything that happens within the extensive territory of the Missionaries, and seems to know and see just about everything about anyone he meets, from their surface to their soul. . . .

If you know Azazel, or take note of some of the wording or question marks, you'll note I didn't explain everything(although I may have shared more than you want to.) This is just a bare bones exampe of how I do my profiles--but it can get even more bare!

I'll do two this time, a more vague version of Azazel's, and another that obscures information all together, using the same or a similar format to the above.

Name: Azazel

Species: anthropomorphic goat

Gender(pronouns): male (he/him)

Age: unquestionably an adult

Origins: Eden

Profession: Priest; teacher; head of a charity NPO; member of the Missionaries

Apperance: Horned goatman of slightly above average human height. Light brown fur, blond fur-hair, red eyes. Wears priest robes and a gold chain around his neck and chest. Carries around a bible with an eye on it?

Personality: Kind of eerie, but friendly and affectionate. A little flirtatious, especially towards humans. Seems to know everything about people for some reason?

Compare it to the one before--see how I've left even more things off or left things ambiguous while still sharing what's necessary or surface level? However, it's also not as engaging or as informative as the other one where I gave more information.

As someone who plays him, profiles like this aren't as helpful for me lol since he knows so much about everyone and everything, having a lot of details helps me play my character!

Now, as helpful as this is, this is also a character you probably know. So how about I do this with an OC? Normally I'm extremely detailed in my profiles and such, especially for OCs, sharing headcanons and ideas for relationships between characters. But, again, I'll try and show how you can show some info while leaving some up to people to ask about to later be filled in.

Name: Kezia

Faceclaim/Art Source: [this is where you would put where you get the art for any icons you use--if you draw it yourself, say so; if you use official art from a series, credit the name of the character and the series; if you use picrews, link the specific picrews. DO NOT USE ART YOU HAVE NOT BEEN PERMITTED TO USE. DO NOT STEAL ART. IF YOU CAN'T FIND THE CREDIT, ASK SOMEONE TO HELP YOU, DO NOT JUST SAY THAT IT ISN'T YOURS. DO NOT USE ART YOU HAVE NOT BEEN GIVEN PERMISSION TO USE OR THAT ISN'T FROM A SERIES OF SOME SORT.]

Species: Human

Gender(pronouns): Female (she/her)

Age: mid 20's~early 30's?

Apperance age: older than she looks?

Origins: Tokyo?

Profession: Professor; Witch

Apperance: A fidgety woman who looks older than she is. She looks anxious and confused as often as she looks curious and confident. Wavy light brown hair. Often carries around schoolbooks and is never alone, always with a Rattus Therian and often with a Nyarlathotep.

Personality: seemingly anxious, but curious and exploratative nonetheless. On the awkward side, but can still keep up with the Nyarls that accompany her. Gets into trouble when she gets ahead of herself in exploring and learning about the arcane, but her Rule allows her to disappear easily.

History: Has always been curious about magic and attempted to run through a Gate when they began to open up. Performed a summon and brought a certain transients to Tokyo and recieved her familiar and the magic to use her Rule as a result. Currently teaches at a college. She stumbled into a certain someone while attempting to explore time, and became a fan ever since.

That tells you a fair amount, doesn't it? Even for someone you don't know? It may even raise some questions that you could ask. At the same time, it doesn't tell you that much, and that can be as much of a hindrance for coming up with questions as saying too much can. It's really up to you what's too much and too little. Here's a more detailed version! Some things have been left vague or confusing in such a way that they could be filled in after being revealed through asks and play. That way, people are encouraged to/given ideas of what to ask--and you can still share things in the long run.

Name: Kezia

Faceclaim/Art Source: [N/A]

Species: Human

Gender(pronouns): Female (she/her)

Age: mid 20's~early 30's?

Apperance age: somewhere in her 30's, maybe even a little older

Origins: Tokyo, with some sort of connection to at least one other world

Profession: Professor of [?] at [?] Academy; Witch

Role & Rule: [?] & [?]

Artifact, Summon, Familiar?: Always accompanied by at least one Nyarlathotep and some sort of man-rat? She also carries around a book that's labeled as a Grimoire, but it's rare for someone to be both a summon-user and an Artifact-user. . . .

Apperance: A fidgety older woman wearing a labcoat and a witch's hat. She looks quite stressed and has trouble sitting still. Her ashy brown hair is thin and a little wavy, with some strands of gray. Although she often squints, she doesn't wear glasses. She carries around a lot of books relating to maths and sciences and one labeled 'Grimoire' decorated with arcane symbols from Gehenna and Old Ones. She's always accompanied by at least one Nyarlathotep and a very short, bearded man who can best be described as a brown rat therian with a human-like face. Sometimes there's a normal rat on her person or in her pockets.

Personality: Kezia is a fidgety and anxious magic practitioner. She's very curious about other worlds and has been since the Gates appeared in this Tokyo since she was a child, however she has been pursuing magic before then. She often appears somewhat confused about or fascenated by even her usual surroundings, but, at other times moves through the world with confidence even in unfamiliar territory. She also likes rats and other rodents, and as such will often avoid felines and birds of prey. She has a tendency to disappear, seeming to walk through walls despite assuredly being alive.

She's a little bit awkward with people, but somehow keeps up with Nyarlathoteps nonetheless. She's a good teacher, once she figures out how to explain things in ways others can understand easily, but can be a bit difficult to follow and flighty up until then. Aware of this, she's rather patient, if a little down on herself at times. However, she most often simply has her mind elsewhere. Despite this and the company she keeps, she's relatively sane. . .most of the time.

She shares a name with a witch from the world of Old Ones who made a pact with Nyarlathotep, believing him to be the Devil. . .and the ratman always at her side uses the same name as that witch's familiar as well. It's. . .probably just a coincidence. . .who would rightfully make a pact with Nyarlathotep?

History: Kezia is an adult human from this Tokyo before the apperance of the Gates and construction of the Walls. She's explored various witchcraft pursuits since she was a child, with what was originally a mere imaginative curiosity and fascination. After the arrival of the Gates when she was still young, she snuck over the fences built around one and attempted to go inside the massive pillar of light, which she attributes to the reason she often seems to struggle with her vision. Several years later, she performed a successful summon and she recieved her familiar, Brown Jenkin, transformed into a somewhat therian form from one of her pet rats, and was given some powers from Nyarlathotep. She has no discernable control over any of the chaotic creatures, however they seem to spend time around her regardless.

At present she's a professor of a subject that interests her at a certain college. She's had other dangerous run-ins due to her excitement over the arcane and "darker" arts, but doesn't seem to show any signs of stopping. However, after an incident in an attempt to explore time itself, she encountered a certain guardian of time and feels reluctant for once to explore it further. . .although she's become quite a big fan of his.

. . .i ran out of steam amd kinda lost track of where i was going. idk if that helped at all really. But maybe it did! I hope it did. You don't need to use any of those things exactly by any means, but that's the kind of thing you usually see in profile pages. Basics like someone's name and birthday and age and apperance and a little about their personality, maybe some history. Oftentimes things like powers and weapons and the like. Interests, hobbies, ways they could be intereacted with, etc. Just stuff that'd help you know the character.

I write everything in paragraph form, but everyone is more than welcome to use a more script format. I love making profiles, myself--it really helps to think about the character and details about them. Normally I make really, really detailed profiles, but maybe I'll try and be more simple about it this time around. depends on how i'm feeling.

I know this seems weirdly hypocritical given I don't have one but when I first made this blog there were like four of us including myself. I didn't see the need for a rules or profile page because I didn't anticipate that there'd be so many of us or, like, people from other fandoms or who aren't familiar with certain characters. I'll rectify that soon hopefully. But I figured I'd pass along this idea/knowledge to others.

. . .I'm gonna go reopen my askbox now. Feel free to send asks again, ask about this, etc! You can send me an IM too if you want. I'll properly close up the guest event tomorrow. I'm real tired rn lol so idk how much i'll get done, but i usually do things super late at night my time, so i have some time to pull my shit together haha))

#ooc #((anyway i'm gonna open the askbox and crawl into a hole))#((i got nothing done lol i was so engaged with something else all week))

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anystalker707 · 4 years ago

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It’s not going to be alright

Pairing: Gerard x Reader Word count: ~ 2 300 Genre: Angst, fluff, comfort TW: Anxiety attack, sort of Summary: (Y/n) brings Gerard to meet their parents. It doesn’t go as well as expected. Requested by @thegnotecannothurtusanymore a/n: I hope this is what you wanted and that you like it

"Do I look fine?" Gerard still sounds insecure as he stands in front of the mirror, adjusting his jacket lightly while also checking his hair and makeup, turning his head from side to side slowly a few times. He repeatedly runs his fingers through his hair, a sharp sigh escaping his nose.

"Of course, you always do," I say with a smile, standing behind him and observing him through the mirror. "C'mon, you don't need to be so nervous. I don't even care if they don't like or approve you, this is just because they're curious about you." Wrapping my hands around his wrists, I pull his hands away from himself in an attempt of helping Gerard with calming down. He's already perfect.

"But... Still, what if they try to separate us?" To say Gerard is worried is a euphemism.

I push Gerard to sit down on his bed and place my hands on his shoulders. "Listen, they're just my parents, not me. It doesn't matter whether they like you or not. They can't control me the whole time. We can, dunno, run away if we need to, don't worry about it!" I smile in an attempt of cheering him up and it seems to work.

Gerard noticeably relaxes under my touch. He wraps his arms around me and brings me closer, his head against my abdomen.

"It's going to be alright, Gee," I tell him softly as playing with his hair. He nods hesitantly.

We've been together for around a year now and, from hearing so much about me having a boyfriend and never seeing him, my parents decided that I should bring him home for dinner. Gerard almost freaked out because of it at first, something I completely don't judge him for. He was desperate about finding formal clothes for the dinner, but I told him to dress... like himself, just a kinda formal due to the occasion, but not completely. There would be no point for him to dress up in something he is uncomfortable with and to pretend to be someone he isn't just for my parents. If they're going to accept him, they must accept him the way he is and the way I love him.

Not to mention that we wouldn't be able to sustain a lie for too long. It's relatively easy hearing rumors about Gerard – after all, there aren't many other punk kids in the city. Also, if they hypothetically liked him like that and called him over for dinner more often, it would be an even harder thing to maintain. He can't hide all the scars or wounds all the time neither lie about some of them.

"What time is it? Maybe we should get going," Gerard says as he reaches for his phone and checks on it without letting me move away. "Yeah, we should," he answers himself and looks up at me, smiling a bit.

Soon, we are in my car and heading over to my place. I had come over to help him with getting ready and just to make sure he wouldn't mess up with anything because of getting too anxious.

"It's going to be alright," I repeat myself before we leave the car. Gerard does his best to smile in response while nodding. We leave the car and move to the front door, where I reassure him once again by giving his hand a light squeeze then I walk in. "Hey, we've arrived," I call to my parents as Gerard closes the door behind us.

"We're over here in the dining room, dear," my mother's voice comes from the said place.

The table is nicely set, the trays and pans filled with food we usually just eat on Sundays or certain occasions, what makes me smile at the same time I see it. Gerard seems just as pleased, an also appreciative air over his features as he looks at everything, cheeks growing red when his eyes meet mine.

When I look at my parents, however, their reaction isn't in any way pleasing. They look at Gerard like if they were expecting gold, but were just given a cheap copy instead or something completely different.

"Um," Gerard breaks the tense silence, seeming to not really have noticed my parents' reaction. "I'm Gerard, Gerard Way. It's nice to finally meet you." He smiles, looking at the two with nervous eyes. Well, now he's noticed it.

"Oh, so you're Gerard." The word sounds bitter coming from my father. He looks away, lips pursed and he doesn't make any effort in hiding his light displeasure. My mother takes the same path, a clearly forced smile decorating her lips as she slowly nods, drowning the room in awkwardness. I hate her for it. I mean, they don't even know Gerard yet.

A sigh escapes my lips as I just pull on Gerard's hand for him to sit down already as I do so myself, concluding my parents won't tell us to do it. Annoying. My parents do the same.

"Okay, so... Gerard," my mother speaks up first while everyone is serving themselves. He hums questioningly, smiling a bit. She continues. "Do you work? Do you do anything besides studying?"

"I actually don't need to work," Gerard replies, pushing his chair closer to the table after taking all the food he wanted. "I draw a lot in my free time and I've been trying to publish a comic."

Approval? No. The same displeasure shows itself on their faces, poorly hidden by fake smiles.

"Oh, that's... interesting," my mother breathes a chuckle, looking down at her food. Her chuckle sounds more of a 'look at how stupid he is' thing. Okay, okay, maybe I'm imagining things, right...? Let me avert my attention away from it.

"Gerard is excellent at drawing." I smile proudly and share a look with Gerard, who seems more relieved with my comment.

My mother makes an unconvinced face, but she doesn't have the opportunity to continue talking because my father speaks up next. "And you're off school soon, right? Have you already applied for any college?" He seems a bit more friendly than my mother, something I believe to be a brief impression due to how he's barely talked until now.

"Yeah, I've been accepted in the school of visual arts in NY," Gerard breathes with a proud air, already concluding how tiring it's all gonna be. In a social battery sense. The two will probably question Gerard until he walks out that door. It's going to be exhausting.

"Arts?" More reproval. My father raises his eyebrows amused after Gerard nods and my mother holds back a sigh, moving to sip on her glass of soda like if she can't handle it all. "That's peculiar, certainly. Something really difficult to get a future in, isn't it?" He says in clear mocking and looks at my mother. Look at this fool; I can practically hear them thinking. I don't know if it makes me angry or sad or both. Honestly, I already predicted things weren't going to turn out well, but this is just terrible.

"Like if Gerard would ever fail in anything while he's got so many talents like that," I roll my eyes. My comment goes ignored apart from how Gerard blushes and grins.

"Oh, but I've got a band in case anything goes wrong!" Gerard shrugs in a sudden wave of confidence.

"His band is awesome," I add. Ignored. Hah.

"A band!" A laughter comes from my father and my mother follows suit. They spend a moment laughing, but reality seems to hit them again before the fact Gerard and I remained in silent, both of us observing them in disbelief.

My mother shakes her head in dismissal as covering her mouth for a moment – at least making an effort, what seemed to be too hard to my father. "Erm, that's wonderful! Wonderful," she says.

A sigh escaped my lips at the thought I'll probably pull Gerard out of here myself soon if things continue like that.

Thankfully, some minutes into the dinner, we've got some peace, but all the evil comments and mocking continue right after. Sometimes my parents do apologize. Not genuinely, tho. For real, I feel like it would've been easier if they just got angry and kicked us out as soon as seeing Gerard or something instead of opting for psychological torture. I'm feeling attacked myself.

The dinner being over almost feels like a miracle to me – I quickly stand up from my chair and pull Gerard along with me.

"So, I'll be heading to Gerard's tonight. I'm spending the night at his place, like I promised," I say as giving his hand a light squeeze, running my thumb over his knuckles softly.

He seems really uncomfortable.

"Oh, you are?" My mother sighs, shaking her head to herself. "Okay then, just remember to come home. Love you, dear, see you," she says to me before she takes a good look at Gerard, then walks away to the kitchen with the dirty dishes in hands, not even bothering to tell him a goodbye or anything.

"Goodbye..." I mutter, starting to walk.

"G-Goodbye, Mr. and Mrs. (l/n)! Thanks for the food and for receiving me," Gerard calls, the nervousness starting to show when we're about to leave the house. If I were him, I wouldn't even have said anything.

Feeling the cold night air embracing me is extremely relieving. Being away from the two is relieving. I'm still revolted about everything that has happened; it wasn't kind at all. I look at Gerard, worried. "Are you alright, love?"

"Yeah, sugar, don't worry," he reassures me. His words sound empty. I don't question.

Gerard tries to keep the tough posture until when we arrive to his place and we're already in comfortable clothes, lazing around on his bed. He's clearly not fine – you can notice it through how he acts, his glassy eyes, difficulty on keeping his focus... We will talk about it whenever he is ready.

At some point, my phone starts ringing. My mother. I sigh.

"I'll be right back, Gee, my mom's calling." I press a kiss to his cheek then leave the room and the house, heading to the back porch. It will be uncomfortable having anyone else listening to this while Mikey and Donna are also so nice to me.

"(Y/n)," the angry tone comes from the other end of the line as soon as I answer the call. "That boy is terrible. I'm sure you've noticed how we didn't enjoy him any bit. He's stupid, he's just got no future. You deserve something better, my love," her voice softens. "We just let you go over to his place because it would be impolite to not to after everything."

Ah, there it is. The hypocrisy.

"Well, and I'm sure you've noticed that I don't care about what you two think. You liked Gerard and everything I told you about him until you saw him. That's stupid. You guys didn't even allow yourselves to get to know him properly and already got like that." No, I've got no patience to deal with this. I groan to myself as leaning against the railing and observing what I can see of the back garden.

"We know that kind of people, okay? Trust us, you're not gonna-"

I hang up. And set my phone in the do not disturb mode. I'm not listening to bullshit about Gerard while he's so sweet and loving and...

Putting my phone away, I rub my face and try to get rid of the stress before walking back in.

Gerard is startled by me walking into the bedroom suddenly, eyes widening once they land on me while I close the door. It looks like he's been crying; eyes puffy and red, makeup smudged. "(Y/n)," he cries, reaching his arms towards me as I approach, "don't leave me, oh God, I love you so much. Without you I can't-" He interrupts himself with a sob, starting to cry again.

"I'm not going to leave you!" I sit beside him, pulling Gerard for a hug. I wipe his tears away before pressing a kiss to his cheek. "I would never, I've told you! Their opinion about you isn't relevant to me! They don't know you like I do! I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that."

"Sorry," he sobs against my neck, arms wrapped tightly around me like if I would disappear if he let go. "I wish I was different, damn, I'm sorry."

It's always terrible when Gerard's anxiety attacks, but things seem to be going way worse now and I curse my parents for it. They had literally no reasons to have acted the way they did. Even if they dislike Gerard, everyone must be respected. Seeing Gerard like this hurts.

"You have nothing to apologize for," I rub soft circles into his back as continuing to hold him close, doing it for a few moments in an attempt of getting him to calm down. "Gee, Gerard, listen to me," I say once he's calmed down a bit and take a gentle hold of his face, making him look at me. "All that matters is us and nothing more. I don't care if my parents don't approve of our relationship or if the world does, I just care about us, if we are fine. And, of course, if you are fine. I hated that you needed to go through all of this, I'm so sorry." I press a kiss to his cheek, starting to run my fingers through his hair.

"Don't apologize, it wasn't your fault," Gerard says softly. He is silent for a moment before the tears start again and he buries his face in the crook of my neck again, clutching onto me tightly.

"Let it all out, Gee, it'll help you." I comfort him, pressing kisses to his neck and going back to rubbing his back. "I love you, okay? And that's all that matters."

#fanfiction #fanfic #mcr #my chemical romance #mcr imagine #gerard way #gerard way x reader #x reader #imagine #emo #bands #emocore #angst #fluff #oneshot #mcr x reader #writing #my post

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smartspo · 5 years ago

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All of the advice I’m going to give you in this post comes from my personal experience. If you know me in real life, or at least knew me through high school, you’d know I’m one of the most indecisive people to ever exist. During my junior and senior year, I went through this huge existential crisis and researched online about pretty much every major known to humankind, and I still couldn’t make up my mind. I went from considering an Arts-related majors, Law, Business, etc, to finally deciding on Engineering, and I’m going to tell you how I did it, and how I managed to stick to this decision and feel confident about it!

Know what you’re going through is perfectly normal

This is not practical advice, but I still wanted to put it on top of the list because I know how much distress this topic can cause. When everyone else around you seems to know exactly what they want to do with their lives, this can only mean you must be immature and not ready for university, right? Nope. Trust me, it doesn’t mean anything. Seventeen-year-olds aren’t supposed to know what they want to do with the rest of their lives, and even the ones who tell themselves they do, they are very likely to change opinions in the long run. The point is, you are not supposed to be sure of anything right now. Your major will allow you to understand in which area you’d like to work with in the future, not your exact career path. Which brings me to my next advice to keep in mind: once you decide on a major, it won’t define the rest of your life.

It isn’t a final decision

I’m enrolling for Aerospace Engineering at university this fall, but I’ve read countless stories of people who ended the course and ended up working with Finance. I also know of many Fashion designers who were originally Architecture students. The point is, despite the name slapped on the page of your major of interest, what really matters are the skills you are learning. Even though, yes, an Aerospace Engineering student will most likely want to work as an Aerospace Engineer, they will have learned many other useful skills and will be able to apply them in different career paths, if they choose to do so. This same principle applies to most majors, like English, Business, and so on (I say most because there are courses like Medicine that are rather specific on career path). Therefore, have a look through university websites and see what the alumni of your majors of interests are working on, to understand the “range” of the major.

Know your priorities

Your major doesn’t have to be the one thing you love doing above anything else, despite what people say. I’m not saying you should choose it based on which one has a higher starting salary, because I don’t think it’s right, but it’s just that sometimes, people get too obsessed with finding “their true call”. Enjoying doing what you do it’s enough and, after all, you won’t get all of your happiness in life from your career choice. If you don’t find your “true call” right now, it’s perfectly fine. Realistically, most people don’t, and they still find other ways to fulfill their life through things like hobbies, volunteering, sports, and so on, which is great. Whether or not your major is your life vocation won’t dictate if you will be happy or not. If you think you managed to find it, that’s great! But again, don’t obsess over it.

Pros and cons list

For the first practical tip, write down all of the majors that interest you, and write all the pros and cons of choosing them. It can include anything, from the location of the universities around you that offer the major, to the actual things you like and dislike about the classes you’d be taking. This will give you an overview of what major seems more “worth it” to you, despite their cons.

Dig deeper

Find out the exact classes you’d be expected to take, projects and so on. Think if it is something you would feel motivated enough to go through, something you would enjoy in the long run, or something you’re good at. The major “summaries” universities offer on their websites, while often helpful, can also be very vague and have the aim of sounding more charming to prospective students. Therefore, looking through the syllabus and other more detailed pages can be very clarifying.

Look for different opinions

When trying to make my own decision, I listened to a lot of different people. They go from teachers to people on Youtube - all kinds of opinions mattered to me. The careers counselor in my school gave me a broad idea of the majors I was interested in, other majors that I hadn’t considered before, and her opinions based on her experiences hearing from alumni who were already going through college/had graduated. I also talked with people online and in real life who were already going through the courses I was considering - what is it like? Do you enjoy it? What are the ups and downs of it?

I mentioned watching Youtube videos, which can be very helpful, but often a bit misleading as well. Through experience, I’ve learned that it’s good to hear the opinions of multiple people, because the number of frustrated graduates making videos about their majors is overwhelming. While it’s important to hear their opinions and arguments for a reality check, sometimes listening to a positive experience regarding the same major is just as important. So, if you come across a negative video on something you’re interested about, don’t feel too discouraged!

Consider taking a break

If this is a decision you’re not ready to make just yet, consider taking a semester or year off. I think the belief that everyone should be graduated by a certain age otherwise they won’t be successful is complete nonsense. All over the world, some students spend years after high school studying to pass a certain university exams, others start university right away, while others need a little more time figuring things out. Everyone is different, and that’s completely fine. You can spend your break trying to find out more about your courses of interest, through maybe taking open course classes, or gaining experience through some kind of internship. Either way, if you don’t feel confident, know you don’t need to rush!

I went through a really rough time trying to figure out these things for myself, but again, that doesn't mean I'm completely sure of what I want to do with the rest of my life. I learned that, sometimes, you need to figure things out as you go! Overall, I hoped I managed to ease someone's anxiety and helped them find something useful.

Good luck! 💗✨

#studyblr #studyspo #advice #appblr #high school #university #tips #studying #study #motivation #inspiration #productivity #long post #mine

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songofclarity · 4 years ago

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i hc that nhs went to cloud recesses early bc nhs used to be ahead of the curve in certain areas of academic development (ex. his interests in astronomy and poetry—not anything martial, but cloud recesses is a scholarly place after all), but when he got to cloud recesses he didn’t have his standard structure and without that structure (in true adhd fashion) he kind of fell apart, and then it was easier to own it as “laziness” and make that a personality trait than admit that he really had Tried and Failed (can you tell i’m projecting lmao)

Oho, that's a good headcanon, Anon!

The fan is the sign of the esteemed gentleman, but now you’ve got me also thinking... the most beautiful fidget toy

I like how you specify astronomy and poetry, once again the subjects of a refined gentleman, because by all means he could still be ahead of the curve in those areas! It’s just they’re never talked about because that’s not what he’s at Cloud Recesses to learn. Although I feel like I’m going to completely deviate from your headcanon in a moment, projection is just one way we show our love for characters so keep it up, Anon, you’re doing great!

My understanding is that Cloud Recesses is what was supposed to give him structure. The structure back in the Unclean Realm was likely, “I do whatever I want when Da-ge isn’t looking, and then I do whatever I can to slip away” judging by how he behaves when we finally get to see him in his natural habitat lol

So Cloud Recesses is, practically by it’s definition, structure. And the dilemma I see with measuring Nie HuaiSang’s academic success/intelligence here is that, by what I recall, Cloud Recesses doesn’t teach science or art to these 3-month-long guest students. It’s a cultivation sect and it provides instruction to young cultivators about clan history, clan politics, historical cultivators, etc.:

Lan QiRen’s lessons were not only tediously long, but everything was also tested on. The generational changes of important clans in the cultivation world, the division of their areas of power, famous quotes by famous cultivators, family trees…

Although he didn’t understand a single bit as he listened in class, Nie HuaiSang worked as hard as a slave when the date of the test approached. He copied Virtue two times for Wei WuXian, and begged before the test, “Please, Wei-xiong, if my grade is lower than yi, my brother would really break my legs! Stuff like telling apart direct lineage, collateral lineage, main clan, clan branches… For us disciples from big clans, we can’t even distinguish our relationships with our own relatives, randomly calling everyone who are more than two tiers away from us aunts and uncles. Does anyone have enough capacity in their brain to remember those of other clans?!” (Ch. 14, ERS)

So it’s necessarily that Nie HuaiSang is unintelligent or a bad student but rather the subjects being taught are really... well, boring for someone who prefers science and art! He’s not even lazy about his learning. He still listens in class. It’s just that it all goes in one ear and out the other.

In that way, I’m not sure I see any signs that "he kind of fell apart" when he arrived at Cloud Recesses. From the sound of it, he had the same struggle at home and that didn’t change: he can't memorize the lists of names of these aunts or those famous cultivators, and he can't remember the birthdays of all these cousins or when all these random famous people were born, either.

(The people in his p*rn books begin and end with the shapes drawn on the page! Please don’t make him think too hard about genealogy and politics!)

He’s getting the education he needs, the kind of education he absolutely wasn’t getting at home, and he flounders because it’s a type of learning and thinking he hasn’t been forced to do, and that alone is a struggle to overcome.

Now I’m gonna bring Bloom’s Taxonomy into this because I can, but the school at Cloud Recesses focuses on remembering, understanding, and applying. It explains why Lan WangJi is so unwilling to bend against the rules. They say remember this rule, understand that it is important to live by this rule, and apply this rule to every day life.

Meanwhile analyzing, evaluating, and creating involve taking that information and making it one’s own.

[Disclaimer that Bloom’s Taxonomy is based on Western thought and may or may not have a proper place in a collectivist society like the Fantasy China which MDZS is based on. This is NOT to classify higher order skills as being more intelligent or better than lower order skills. It’s just to describe how much mental manipulation is done to the subject matter. Geniuses on Jeopardy are masters at Remembering! The brain shows physiological changes and develops new neuron pathways regardless of learning method. Nonetheless, for our independent thinkers like Wei WuXian and Nie HuaiSang, this kind of scale seems applicable.]

Consider when Wei WuXian ponders the benefits of demonic cultivation at school. He takes the application of current techniques and the knowledge of the known world and creates something by blending the two. It doesn’t go over well in the classroom:

Another book came flying from Lan QiRen. He spoke harshly, “Then, let me ask you again! How do you make sure that the resentful energy only listens to you and does not harm others?”

Wei WuXian ducked while speaking, “I haven’t thought of it yet!”

Lan QiRen raged, "If you thought of it, the cultivation world would not allow your existence! Get out!" (Ch. 14, ERS)

This is a case in point for no analyzing, evaluating, or creating allowed. It’s sit down, listen, memorize, and obey.

(Note that Demonic cultivation is dangerous to everyone, as we later witness, so Lan QiRen is not wrong to be furious and having no tolerance for this line of thinking. Wei WuXian is literally talking about desecrating people’s graves and bodies and using them as weapons. This is so far out of line with Gusu Lan teaching, but it still deprives Wei WuXian of hypothesizing other ideas with the material he’s being given.)

And, it should be noted, Nie HuaiSang is the only person who not only understands where Wei WuXian is coming from but builds upon it. The same Nie HuaiSang who has to beg Wei WuXian to help him cheat when it comes to clan heritages and family quotes is the one who realizes ANOTHER use for Wei WuXian’s idea all on his own.

Wei WuXian suggests using demonic cultivation to fight evil with evil, resentful energy vs resentful energy.

Nie HuaiSang suggests using demonic cultivation as a possible power source -- for people who don’t have a core:

After thinking for a few moments, an expression of envy and yearning appeared on Nie HuaiSang’s face, “To be honest, Wei-xiong’s words were quite interesting. Spiritual energy can only be obtained through cultivation and taking great pains to form a golden core. It would take I-don’t-know-how-many years to do, especially for someone like me, whose talent seems as if it was gnawed by a dog when I was in my mother’s womb. But, resentful energy are from the fierce ghosts. If they can easily be taken and used, it would be beyond wonderful.” (Ch. 14, ERS)

Nie HuaiSang has analyzed, evaluated, and then created a new place in the world for demonic cultivation. And the notable element is that he thinks in regards to himself.

And despite how this appears, this is not egotism. It falls quite soundly under Erikson’s Theory of Psychosocial Development for Nie HuaiSang’s age group: Identity vs. Role Confusion. Poor, self-deprecating Nie HuaiSang is trying to find his place in the world where his brother won’t yell at him for his grades lol He’ll take whatever help he can get!

(But it’s not Nie HuaiSang who has to put this theory into practice)

I think what I’m trying to get at is that Nie HuaiSang is perfectly intelligent, perfectly active in his learning, but his talent lies outside of cultivation -- and saber practice:

[Nie HuaiSang,] “I can’t learn it means I can’t learn it and I don’t like it means I don’t like it! What’s the use of forcing me?!" (Ch. 49)

And yet we always see him try, until he has to try something else:

Nie HuaiSang also wanted to join in, but he had been reminded of his older brother as he met Lan XiChen. Cringing silently, he didn’t dare to have fun, “I’ll pass and go back so that I can review…” With this act, he hoped that Lan XiChen would put in some good words for him to his brother. (Ch. 16)

“WITH THIS ACT” -- Nie HuaiSang is so sneaky but he’s so obvious about it, I love him. This is the mind that’s going to bring down the Big Bad in the end. Keep up the good work, Nie HuaiSang!

#asked from above #anon #i was trying to say something about nhs and education #but idk how effectively that worked lol #i'm like reaching for a point but i might have juuust missed it #so if this doesn't make entire sense it's me not you lol #nonetheless!!#adhd headcanon is very good and i love it!#but i also think nhs's learning difficult can be explained in another way #at least in regards to cloud recesses #nie huaisang #mdzs thoughts

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never-changing-muses · 3 years ago

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Character Profile: Shinji Wataru

Name: Shinji Wataru Romaji: Wataru Shinji Age: 18-20 Gender: Male

Overview

Shinji Wataru is a character whose nature is that of a shut-in. He rarely leaves his house and spends most of his free time surfing the internet and reading light novels. He lives with his older sister whom he often describes as a "helicopter sibling" and he works as a shopper at a local super-market. His story involves him trying to find himself while also seeking the connection with others around him, despite his fears due to events that happened in his past. Along the way, he discovers the existence of magic and seeks to learn more about it, hoping his answer and peace can be obtained from such.

Background

Childhood

Shinji's childhood was what he described as an average one. He and his sister was born to his parents, Tesuo and Ari Wataru and the earlier years of his childhood were described as some of the happiest he'd ever known. He was loved by his parents and got along well with his sister who often protected him from bullies. This had started to change though when Shinji began his first year of elementary school. Here, he had been somewhat excited about the prospect of meeting new friends, but things did not go the way he thought. Instead of kind greetings, he had been met with jeering and mocking by his fellow students due to his appearance and certain quirks he displayed at the time, the bullying being a very disheartening for him. His parents, although they felt bad for him, tried to encourage him by telling him to ignore it and keep moving forward. During this time, he tried just that, but as the bullying got worse, he failed to ignore it all. Eventually, he came to the conclusion that he was just too different from everyone else, that he wasn't human at his core. But at the same time, he developed a burning hatred for his classmates who constantly hurt him and the teachers who refused to do anything about it.

Middle School Years

Although the bullying had subsided somewhat, his view of himself plummeted by the time he started middle school. His peers often steered away from him because of his moody attitude and once again, his appearance being a factor. His hatred for others was particularly strong during these years as he failed to understand why people hated him and why he felt even his own family didn't understand his plight. Some point during this time, he had made two friends and this resentment and moody attitude seemed to lessen when these two individuals had came into his life. He had fun with them during the two of the three years of his middle school days, often going to arcades and hanging out, but come the third year, this was not to last. The two friends had gotten into a dispute which left their relationship strained, with Shinji getting caught in the middle of such, having nothing to do with the initial dispute. He devised of a plan that would force the two to meet up, and with the hope that they would rekindle their friendship and go back to how things were.

This had not gone the way that had been intended, as when the two saw each other, hostility and harsh words were thrown at each other, and when Shinji had tried to explain, that hostility was directed toward him, with accusations of him trying to start drama. The male friend, having had enough, decided to cut ties with not only the female friend he was feuding with, but also Shinji as well. The female friend later scolds him and chastises his decision to go behind their backs and arrange that meeting, calling his belief that it would have caused them to become friends again stupid. After trying to argue his point, the female ultimately declares that Shinji never once understood the hearts of others or valued their safe zones and for that, decides to cut ties with him. For the first time, Shinji snaps and goes on a tirade about how stupid their whole dispute was and claimed that she never cared about him or the other friend. She seemed to be hurt by this and leaves.

Shinji has had no contact with both of them since.

For the duration of his third year, he entered a "delinquent" phase, becoming what others saw in his appearance. He was prone to violent outbursts and even beat people up, which ultimately got suspended from school. His parents were furious with such and berated him harshly for his actions, which caused him to enter a period of reflection and regret, only to come to the same conclusion as before, that he wasn't human and his erratic emotions was proof of that.

Highschool years

With his first year of highschool dawning upon him, Shinji was nervous, and wondered how he would navigate through a particularly important period of his youth. In elementary school, he was seen as a creepy looking weirdo which made him subject to bullying, and in middle school, people were put off by his appearance and his failed friendship turned him into a monster that everyone hated. He wanted to make an entirely new impression that wasn't negative, so he had taken a few pages out of his father's book and took cues from how he interacted with others and how he had many girlfriends before he met Shinji's mother in a story he had told him very recently. So when high school came, he tried to emulate his father's mannerisms and personality traits, but this seemed to have the opposite effect. Instead of drawing people to his side, he ended up pushing others away, everyone disturbed by his behavior and appearance. He had asked out at least five girls out at some point and had been rejected by all of them. The final one had even gone as far as to say, he needed to have plastic surgery before he even had a remote chance with her. This had essentially killed his self esteem, enforcing the belief that he was not human and had come to hate his facial features to a large degree.

To make matters worse, both of his parents had been killed in a brutal accident, which hit him hard while it forced his older sister to step up and take care of not only the house, but Shinji as well. All of these factors had hit him hard and he gave up trying to connect with others, and spent his remaining high school years as a loner all the way to graduation.

University

After graduating, Shinji had very little drive for his life, but after being pushed by his sister, he decided to apply for a university that specialized in Culinary Arts, since it was something he had a passing interest in. he applied and was eventually accepted into the school. He had some measure of fun, making pastries and bringing some home, even though some of them turned out messy. However it was not to be, his difficulty focusing and learning something, which had plagued him through out his educational life, had reared its head and he struggled in the curriculum. Eventually after the first quarter of the year, he flunked out altogether. This infuriated his sister to the point where she had implied he was a burden. This had a profound effect on him, increasing the hatred he had for himself even more due to what he perceived as his inhuman nature and dead spirit. he wished that he was like everyone else, all in appearance, personality and intelligence. With this, he reclused even more.

Present Day

A year has passed and Shinji spends most of his free time on the Internet's largest video sharing website and reading novels and comics, often imagining himself in intimate situations with the characters. He has a job where he works four days a week, shopping for orders in a supermarket, although his sister wants him to do five days, much to is chagrin. His engrossment with media is to take his mind off of the darkness that lies within him, as he has not found an answer to the question imposed on him and has resigned himself to a life of isolation, understood by no one.

Personality and Characteristics

Shinji is many things, but the best word to describe him would be 'complicated.' From a glance, Shinji can be seen as rather eccentric due to his enthusiasm about certain media he consumes. The bulk of it though comes from emulating his late father, a trait that hasn't fully gone away in some instances, often using exaggerated motions at times when he is excited about something. He is socially awkward but tries to be as amiable and friendly as possible and depending on the circumstances, he will even offer to help someone with their problems as long as it lies within his own ability to do so. When getting to know him, he is rather shy but hides it well under his upbeat mask and it is only dropped when he can no longer maintain it or feels the need keep it up in certain situations. As he once went to a culinary university, he knows how to cook a few things well and is willing to cook something for someone, provided it is within his budget and ability to do so. Overall, he is a warm and welcoming individual in initial appearances, but there is more to him than what the eye can see.

Darker Aspects

Despite his positive personality traits, underneath them is a slew of darker ones which are concealed. Because of his past, Shinji is very insecure about his general appearance, mainly his facial features, which many had seen him as creepy or disturbing. An interaction with a girl had led to him resenting his appearance to the point where he wanted to rip his face off. This view of him goes back to his childhood where he was harassed and called a demon by his peers, leading him to believe that he wasn't human and thus, never saw himself as one well into adulthood. In certain situations, his general facade is dropped and he can become agitated and filled with anxiety, causing him to say things he wouldn't normally say or to act rashly and while he hasn't lashed out at someone since middle school, the anger he holds within himself is extremely powerful. He has a poor view of himself because of these emotions, believing himself to be further away from humanity because of them, thus giving himself a reason to resent himself. Because of this, he often wishes that he could become emotionless so he could 'fit in' and not hurt anyone from his anger.

Shinji appears to have a strong desire to 'fit in' and be one with the crowd because of his experiences. He has an odd and rigid set of criteria for someone to be considered human, and he believes he does not fit any of these due to how he is and is often hard on himself for not being like 'everyone else' and is especially harsh when he makes a mistake. This would hint at a perfectionist mentality that he holds himself to, yet does not hold others to it as he feels everyone else around him is what he wants to be: normal.

When it comes to relationships with others, he is very mixed in how he feels. On one hand, he wants to find someone who would understand him, a person who he could call an understander, life partner, and soulmate, and it was a desire he had since he was a teenager. But he feels that such a relationship with others is out of his reach, due to what he believes is his repulsive nature and the belief that there is nothing to understand. His only friends abandoned him due to drama and he was unable to form connections with anyone else, resulting in him giving up such ideas altogether. Although he laments it, he resigned himself to living an isolated life where his only companions are fictional characters in his head. Along with this, the reason he isolates himself is so that others won't be exposed to his rotten nature.

And lastly, he is someone who has no idea or interest in his future. He is someone who always lives in the present while avoiding the past and discarding the future, yet his sister has constantly asked what he wanted to do, even in the event of his failing university, screaming at him about it, which forces the question upon him. he does not know, and feels he will never know, yet he feels he is expected to know, to already have the answer like everyone else, but doesn't. He laments this, up to the point of calling himself defective because he hasn't found a purpose yet, or to become human enough to satisfy the world around him. At one point, he even admitted how envious he was of everyone around him --- they were able to form bonds with others so easily, find love and already know what they wanted to do and have the path set out for them. Yet he failed to obtain anything but scorn, isolation and misfortune. These feelings have led to him considering ending his own life, believing the world would be better off without a useless creature like him.

Discovering Magic

Depending on his path, Shinji will discover the existence of magic and attempt to learn from it in order to find his peace. One system of magic he gravitates toward would be Thelema, created by one Aleister crowley, and he would thus work to try and become a magician, if not to at least make something of himself besides a nobody.

#Muse Information

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catchweightstudio · 4 years ago

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The big Conscript accessibility + options update!

Hello everyone, hope you are all doing well. I’ve been hard at work getting a new demo revision ready for mid-October.

MAIN MENU

Here’s a look at the initial main menu for Conscript. I find it quite atmospheric and have found myself just keeping it on in the background while I work. The last menu for the previous demo was quite rushed so I’m happy with how this one has turned out.

ACCESSIBILITY

Recently, the topic of accessibility has been on my mind. As a developer it’s easy to find yourself resisting against a player’s ability to alter your “vision” of the game. I can understand this sentiment - as I’m somebody who holds my project VERY close to my heart. This topic was inspired by a conversation on the Conscript Discord where I was asked how accessible the game would be. My immediate internal reaction to any questions relating to adding a new unplanned feature is generally “isn’t my damn Trello board already big enough??”

After some reflection and research however, this is a silly way to look at things. Yes, any new feature takes hours or even days to implement - but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing. For example, as a developer I end up putting in many extra days and weeks trying to get the game on different online storefronts or even other consoles, all in hopes of trying to expose the game to more people but I would never question this time as anything but time well spent.

Accessibility is the same thing really. There are extra hours of work I can put in to ensure that MORE people can be exposed to the game and enjoy it. So that’s what I’ve been doing, even if it has meant putting extra work hours in every day for the past few weeks.

PAUSE

First, you can now visit the options menu at any time without having to go through the inventory. A tiny change, but it was requested quite a few times.

VISUAL OPTIONS

Something I wanted to solve was text readability. There are now a variety of settings to adjust different properties of the text in-game.

You can now choose between HD and pixelated fonts. Even though low-res pixel font is coherent with the general art style, it is not the most legible typeface to read. Now you can have the option to “HD-ify” the font, which makes for greater readability.

For those with dyslexia who may have trouble discerning between serif style characters, you can now opt for a simple sans-serif font style. This can also be toggled between HD or pixelated.

Text colour can also be changed between white, yellow, green, red or blue.

This is applied to all standard text throughout the game!

And finally, the background opacity of the standard textbox can be customised from 0 to 100. If you are struggling to discern between the text and background it may be easier to have this on 100 so the text stands more.

I feel like all these extra little options will solve the text readability issue for the majority of players. Any colour specific elements will also have non-colour related visual indicators. They are small changes but hopefully go a long way for some.

There are also some extra little visual accessibility options for those who may have trouble focusing on certain elements of the game’s artstyle. You can now zoom the camera in up close to our protagonist, and also alter cursor, crosshair and interaction icon properties such as size and colour. HUD opacity can also be lowered, but it is set to 100 by default.

The screen blood that appears when you take damage can also be turned off now, as can any bright flashes in the game for those who are photosensitive or epileptic. For those who don’t enjoy screenshake, that can be turned off too.

It hasn’t been implemented yet, but I am working on having brightness and contrast settings too in the future. Even though the game won’t feature much voice acting, I am going to work on having subtitles available not just for voices but also for any kind of hard-to-read environmental text.

AUDIO OPTIONS

Nothing too fancy, but you can now adjust SFX, music and master volume all independently. This required a rework of the audio system so it was actually quite challenging, but happy to have it completed and working.

BLOOD TOGGLE

Blood and gore effects can now be toned down substantially, although it will be left on by default. The reason I decided to include this is because there may be some who are more interested in exploring the history of Conscript without the intense and bloody combat . In my opinion, Conscript is equal parts a history game and a survival horror game, so there will be cross pollination between those two demographics. Most of you will probably leave this on but it’s nice to have it there anyway.

DIFFICULTY MODES

During the Kickstarter campaign, we reached the stretch goal for two difficulty modes but I am going to include some extra ones in the final game. There will now be six difficulty modes in total.

Training (Assist Mode)

This mode will feature checkpoints, increased health capacity and player damage will be increased.

Recruit / Soldier / Veteran

These three will be the standard easy/normal/hard sort of thing from every other game in existence. Enemy damage and item quantity variables will be the main differences between these modes.

War Hero

This will feature more “realistic” elements from modes like Resident Evil Remake’s “Real Survival” difficulty. Item boxes will be unlinked from each other and limited saves will be mandatory. It will contain the same gameplay modifiers as Veteran mode.

Grognard (French for “old soldier”)

This ultimate challenge will include all the features of War Hero mode but with PERMADEATH. Yep, you heard right.

LIMITED SAVE TOGGLE

Limited saving has always been controversial. The reason I opted for this old-school survival horror mechanic is because it introduces a risk/reward style of gameplay where players generally try and squeeze in one extra “task” before the next save, leading to extra hard decisions being made during gameplay. Understandably, not everyone wants to deal with this though. Despite this being the intended way to play, it will an optional toggle at the start of any Conscript playthrough. Note that on the very hardest difficulties it will be mandatory however.

Here’s a look at the game parameter screen before you start a new save:

You will also have the ability to toggle off Kickstarter backer easter eggs if you so wish.

CONTROL SETTINGS

Any action that requires you to hold a button - such as aiming and running - can now be toggled with one button press instead.

Also, I’m going to implement both a quick melee and quick heal feature so that you don’t have to go into the inventory just to break some barrels or use a healing item.

You can also turn off mouse support to play the game with a keyboard only.

CONTROLLER REMAPPING

Full control remapping is now available for both keyboard and gamepad control schemes. This was a complicated and time consuming thing for me to implement but I’m glad to finally have it available.

Hang on a second… did the inventory just change?

BAG STYLES

By far the biggest feature in Conscript history....

This was a fun little extra I decided to make when I was testing out the flexibility of the new options menu. Admittedly it has nothing to do with accessibility, but it is related to the options menu! You can now change the colour of the inventory background. You will be spending a lot of time there so I figured it would be cool to give some small level of customization... there may even be some extra unlockable styles in the full game! Any ideas for patterns or designs?

So that’s what I’ve been working on the past two weeks! What do you think? I know menu heavy things aren't exactly the most marketable features, but I felt it was important to share. Are there any other reasonably in-scope accessibility options you all would like to see?

#gamedev #indiedev #accessibility #indiegame #survivalhorror #horrorgame #conscript

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marvelrus-exe · 5 years ago

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Fic Rec List

A collection of fics I really like.

If you don’t see your favorite fic on this list, send it to me! I’m always down to read a good fanfic :)

Started: 3/26/2020

Updated: 3/26/2020

Avengers

You Took A Polaroid Of Us by @ptersparkers

The avengers can’t seem to understand why you’re so obsessed with taking polaroids until they come across your scrapbook.

Bucky Barnes

Series

Long Black by @evanstarff

After a disastrous HYDRA coup goes wrong, Bucky Barnes is forced to go under witness protection at a coffee shop – with you as his highly trained ‘bodyguard’. Is something brewing between you or is he just tall, dark, and bitter?

Execution of Future Technologies by @valkyriesryde

Bucky meets the girl of his dreams the day before he ships out again and she holds a mystery about her that he can’t resist.

Love Isn’t Always On Time by @youvebeenlivingfictional

A S.H.I.E.L.D assignment that’s deeper than deep cover leads to an agent being lost. It’s only fair for a woman whose days are numbered to be obsessed with time.

Relationship Tutor by @samingtonwilson

College AU. Bucky, a relationship novice, asks for your help in dating your friend. Unable to say no to him, you agree despite everyone and everything telling you not to.

Just One Kiss by @sarahwroteathing

Bucky Barnes has been chasing after you since he was ten years old, but you’re determined not to give in. How long can you hold out when all he’s asking for is just one kiss?

Dichotomous by @jalapenobarnes

As a pharmacist in one of new york city’s busiest hospitals, you’re tasked with establishing your place and your value amongst your medical peers who constantly undermine you and your intelligence. or so you think.

The Fallout by @whitewolfbumble

You had been a ghost for years, taking down the bad guys from the shadows that had once enslaved you. That is until the Avengers finally caught up with you and yet again your life changed. But your past won’t stay dead and everything starts to shift when a familiar face joins the ranks: Bucky Barnes. He may not remember you, but you certainly remember him.

Wild Horses by @whitewolfbumble

Kicked out of school and exiling yourself in a town time forgot, one little incident lands the sights of the locally infamous Avengers biker gang square on you. Wild horses run faster and there was no chance to turn back now.

Astrophile by @all1e23

Orion Rebecca Barnes’s favorite thing in the whole world (besides her daddy of course) is spending hours after school in the bookstore by her house and the owner GIVES her any book she wants; she’s the coolest girl Orion has ever met.

It doesn’t take long for Bucky to notice his daughter’s sudden interest in constellations and the large stack of astrology related books piling up in her room. He’s spent her entire life trying to teach her about the stars and where her name came from with little interest from his little comet and all of sudden she’s in love.

A Lesson in Love by @buckyywiththegoodhair

In which you’re assigned to write a story about romance, a subject you know nothing about, and Bucky, a hopeless romantic, offers you his assistance.

Bucky Barnes Vs the Crime Novelist by @kentuckybarnes

A mysterious stranger you meet in a library turns out to be your dream come true. Apart from your life suddenly being in danger, that is.

One-Shots

Five Times Y/N Comforts Bucky and One Time He Comforts Her by @spideysrogers

Basically just comfort porn

Sergeant Boinky by @valkyriesryde

Bucky’s got a new interest and Sam and Y/N are taking full advantage of it.

Birthday Kisses by @sarahwroteathing

Sam starts a birthday kiss tradition to make up for your missed birthday and hopefully nudge a certain grumpy ex-assassin in the right direction.

Crazy Stupid Love by @justkending

Stress leaves everyone a little crazy. Good thing there are attractive men at bars who can help you take your mind off of things. tr45

Steve Rogers

Series

Call sign: Renaissance by @captain-kelli

After a rescue mission gone wrong, you retire as a pararescue airwoman. When an old friend of yours comes calling, asking you to spearhead a disaster response team for the Avengers, you have to decide if you can let go of the past in order to save lives. Will you move on and possibly fall in love? Or will the demons of your past come back to haunt you?

Solace by @marvelcapsicle

Five years ago, after the loss of a loved one, Steve isolated himself from everyone. He desperately tried to find solace in solitude, unable to realize how lonely he became in the process. Until he meets you—another lonely soul, alone in the middle of nowhere. You were both seeking solitude but found something else along the way.

The Lonely Tree by @sarahwroteathing

You have a favorite tree which you make sure to pass every day on your way to class, but one day you find you’ll have to get used to sharing it with a friendly art student.

Love Isn’t Always On Time by @youvebeenlivingfictional

A S.H.I.E.L.D assignment that’s deeper than deep cover leads to an agent being lost. It’s only fair for a woman whose days are numbered to be obsessed with time.

Courage and Kindness by @softhairbarnes

After your parents died you were left an orphan with only your stepmother to look after you. When a tournament is announced in honor of Prince Steven, you think you’ve finally found a way to make your dreams come true.

Love and War by @kayteewritessteve

In a harsh medieval world, you set out on a perilous quest that will lead you onto a forbidden land. A land ruled and controlled by a ruthless Warlord King, one who does not look favourably upon trespassers of any kind, and punishes all with an iron fist. You may not know exactly where this quest will end, but what you do know is you will forever be altered by it. And that knowledge alone is what truly terrifies you the most.

Secrets and sins by @kayteewritessteve

You flee from an abusive situation and find yourself on the other side of the country, creating new friends and possibly finding new love. But will you be able to escape your past? To truly move on with your life? Or will everything come crashing down around you in the blink of an eye.

One-Shots

The End Of The War by @redgillan

Everyone knows you and Steve can’t stand each other, but after he runs into you after one of his fights, he starts to see you in a different light.

Peter Parker

Series

Far From Him by @ptersparkers

Mj seems to think the summer trip to Europe is exactly what you need to forget the events of the snap and the death of tony stark. only, peter parker doesn’t seem to know your real identity and trying to tell him you know he’s spider-man becomes a mess and a half.

One-shots

Wait, You’re Spiderman? by @ptersparkers

Midtown high’s applied science class visits the stark tower, leaving y/n and peter in a compromising position.

What a Suprise by @ptersparkers

You and Peter both go to Midtown High and he’s got the biggest crush on you. What Peter doesn’t know is that you harbour the same feelings and Tony Stark is your not-so-related uncle.

Starbursts by @srsly-stilinski

Spiderman takes a break from patrol to see the world through someone else’s eyes.

Local Dumbass by @thinkoutsidethebex

Peter keeps trying to tell you he’s in love with you, and it’s not going so well. Or is it?

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yurimother · 6 years ago

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Our Dreams at Dusk: Shimanami Tasogare - LGBTQ Review

Writing reviews is generally pretty simple for me. I set up the story of the work, discuss the characters and their dynamics, talk about the art, overuse the word “adorable” and then analyze about whatever romance or LGBT elements are present in it. However, Our Dreams at Dusk: Shimanami Tasogare deserves more than that. This is not some fluffy schoolyard romance, it is an honest, powerful, and stupendous work of queer literature. I spent almost a full day slowly working my way through the original volumes in preparation for the English adaptation’s release and words can hardly capture the sheer power and raw emotion contained in this series. I feel perfectly comfortable in saying that Shimanami Tasogare is the greatest manga I have ever read.

WARNING: this review contains spoilers for all four volumes of the manga

Our Dreams at Dusk: Shimanami Tasogare is written and illustrated by Yuhki Kamatani, who is a member of the LGBTQ+ community themselves and identifies as X-gender and asexual. Their illustrations are breathtaking. All the characters designs are distinct and the environments are detailed. But careful use of visual storytelling and employment of gorgeous surreal imagery is nothing short of artistic genius. These striking moments (literally) illustrate the characters’ emotions in ways far more complex and powerful than words ever could.

For example, the four pages which close the third chapter begin very minimally, with no background and only close-ups of character’s faces without words. Suddenly, it explodes into a visual representation of the protagonist's feelings, his realization, his fear, his overwhelming panic, and his confusion. Excerpts such as this are visceral, brutally effective, and hauntingly beautiful.

No matter how much praise I have to offer the remarkable illustrations, it is nothing compared to the commendations I give the story. It begins just as protagonist Tasuku Kaname stands over a bridge, contemplating jumping. People are making fun of Tasuku at school because of a rumor that he is gay and he believes his life might be over. However, he does not jump after he sees a strange girl in the distance leap from the window of a drop-in center.

Rushing over, he finds that this girl, called Someone, is the mysterious owner of the drop-in center. She tells him that the center is a gathering place for LGBTQ+ and that he can tell her anything, but that she will not listen. Soon Tasuku begins spending his summer at the center, working to fix up an old house with some of it other patrons, and learning everyone’s story. Each of the people at the center has an LGBTQ+ identity. In small arcs, which naturally cross and interweave with each other, Tasuku comes to better understand them and their identity as they work to navigate the world as a queer person.

One of the first stories told is that of Haruko Daichi and her wife Saki. Although they have not been able to get hold a ceremony, they consider themselves married. Haruko used to be guarded and quiet, lying to herself about being happy. When she finally came out and told her parents that she was a relationship, their relationship fell apart, a story far too common in the LGBT community. However, it is in this community that Haruko found solace and acceptation, thanks to participating in online forums and circles she accepted herself.

In one of these online groups she meets Saki, and they fell in love. Haruko’s greatest wish it to have a real wedding celebration so that everyone who knows her and Saki can celebrate them and their love together. Saki, however, feels differently. Although she is very much in love with Haruko, she does not want to risk starting fires by publicly coming out to her parents and relatives or holding such a brazen display of their love. This fear is held by many queer people, “how will I be seen if I come out? No one will accept me.”

Volume two of the manga follows the story of Shuufi Misora, a young child questioning their gender identity. At the center, Misora dresses as a girl, wearing dresses, makeup, and wigs, but outside they present as a boy (the gender they were assigned as at birth). They are initially somewhat hostile towards Tasuku, who is kind and compliments Misora regularly on their clothing while at the center, but one day asks to go to his house.

While there, Misora asks Tasuku some questions about being male and expresses their fear of their voice changing and getting body hair. Tasuku asks them, “do you want to be a girl?” Misora tells him that they do not know, but more than anything they feel so isolated and misunderstood. Before they can leave, Tasuku takes their hand.

After this, Tasuku encourages Misora to live as a transgender woman and eventually pushes them to go outside while presenting as feminine. The two go to a festival together and enjoy themselves. However, when someone gropes Misora’s butt, Tasuku remarks in an offhand comment that they did it because Misora looked cute. Misora, feeling angry, confused, and pushed by Tasuku explodes into a homophobic tirade, shouting at him before running away. After that, they do not return to the drop-in center.

Tasuku pushed Misora too much to come out, to take on the identity of being transgender. But, nobody can force a queer person to accept their identity or come out before they are ready and sure of their identity. Misora was still questioning themselves and Tasuku’s attempts to put them into a box and have them live a certain way was happening too quickly. I think that this is the chapter during which I broke down crying at the end, it resonated with me so deeply (it was two in the morning at this point and I had been up all day translating the Japanese text). I remember how much I struggled with my sexuality before coming out as queer. I think that the words a colleague once told me years later apply best, “ everyone comes out at the perfect time for them, there is no 'too early' or 'too late', just ‘ready’ and ‘not yet.’”

Volume three tells the story of Utsumi. He is extraordinarily kind, gentle, and charismatic. One day, while working the renovating the house with several volunteers, a woman comments that she knew him in high school, but that he presented as female back then, revealing him to be a transgender man. She asks him to attend a high school reunion, which he does and encourages him to speak at her daughter’s school. It becomes clear that she is a problematic ally, seeing queerness as a sort of illness and believes that he should work to teach everyone else about his identity.

Utsumi responds that she is reducing him to being only a trans man and that this is only one part of his identity, that he is so much more than that. Often allies want queer people to act as the voice and teacher of their identity and reduce that person to only being the token gay or token transgender person. They are not given the freedom to be their own person. This is what she is trying to do to Utsumi. However, he refuses and after that, she no longer interacts with the group.

In the fourth and final volume, the story of Tchaiko is told. He is the elderly visitor of the center and enjoys playing compositions by Tchaikovsky for everyone to listen to. He is gay, and his partner of thirty years, Agawa, is passing away. Agawa left his family, including his son to live as a gay man and be with Tchaiko. Unfortunately, he was not able to have both a child and live as who he was, and was forced to make a decision between the two.

Fortunately, Agawa’s son has begun to visit him in the hospital room, but while he is there Tchaiko stays away, as the son is not aware of their relationship. Tchaiko however, does not resent this, and loves texting Agawa and visiting while the son is not there. However, he acknowledges that, as he is not legally a member of his family, he cannot be there while Agawa dies. The legal rights of gay couples is a long source of grief for many.

I recall my friends getting ready to move to England with their two young children. They were married legally in the State that we live in (Massachusetts) but they had no federal rights and one of them was soon to be deported. Luckily for them, same-sex marriage was legalized across the country just weeks before they were to be evicted, and they were allowed to stay. The story I tell is a victorious one, but for so many people and their partners, they have so much tale. The law and discrimination keep them from experiencing every aspect of their life together.

Through Tchaiko, Tasuku learns of Someone’s past. He describes her as a person who wanted to live in isolation. In the past, before adopting the name “Someone” she tells Tchaiko and Agaway that she is most likely asexual, but that she is unable to find a place where she belongs, that whatever she does she cannot explain her identity.

The two men comment how strange it is that nobody is allowed to just live their lives in solitude, to live without having to explain, educate, and identify oneself, to just be “somebody.” It is at this moment that Somebody realizes that this is exactly what she wants. She takes the name Somebody and chooses to let go of labels and lives the way that she wants to.

I can hardly explain how much I identified with Somebody. I am not asexual, but I never found that labels worked for me, that I needed to be able to identify myself as straight or gay or fit into any of those boxes. For that reason, I do not identify my sexuality. I am queer, as a person who falls under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, but no more than that.

This final volume begins to bring about resolution to many of the conflicts and issues introduced in previous chapters but I will not go into detail about those here. Just know that I found each solution to be believable, well written, and satisfying. What I really want to talk about, is Tasuku’s journey and his relationship with Tsubaki.

Tsubaki is Tasuku’s classmate, whom he has a crush on. Tasuku struggles so greatly with coming to terms with these feelings and is helped greatly by his friends at the center. But these difficulties are exacerbated when he and Tsubaki become friends. His situation quickly takes a turn for the worse as Tsubaki starts to toy with Tasuku. Soon he begins making homophobic and transphobic remarks about the frequenters of the center. Tasuku stays silent, standing there tortured and wounded by his friend's hurtful remarks.

Things only get worse when Someone starts talking to Tsubaki about his sexuality, acknowledging that he is repressed and lashing out. Tsubaki angrily dismisses the idea. Finally, he confronts Tasuku, acknowledging that obvious fact that Tasuku is gay and verbally assaulting him and the center. And then, in what is absolutely my favorite moment from the wonderful manga, Tasuku stands up to him! He confesses his sexuality and affection for Tsubaki, tells him how much the center means to him and how much good it has done, and that what Tsubaki is doing is wrong. “I want you to know that what you’ve said has hurt me. It’s not like I want your sympathy or apology! I just don’t want you to hurt anyone else!”

My. God. YESSS!!

This is such an incredibly powerful moment, to see the struggling Tasuku stand up and tell off his friend, the person that he loves. To tell him that his actions are hurtful and wrong. This was such a triumphant moment for the character. The sheer number of people that I, that every queer person encounters in their lives that hurts us and that we want to tell off. Seeing this was cathartic and affirming for me in so many ways. Not only do we see Tasuku take this stand, but Tsubaki listens. He understands and realizes that his actions were ignorant, and hurtful, and cruel. After this, he begins to hang around the center more and become more accepting of the others and himself.

Our Dreams at Dusk: Shimanami Tasogare expresses so many realistic and relatable stories of LGBTQ+ people that are told so beautifully and fully. If you are a queer person you need to read this manga, if you are questioning you need to read this manga, if you are an ally you need to read this manga, if you are a parent you need to read this manga, if you have no idea what LGBT life is like you need to read this manga.

Yuhki Kamatani has created the most honest, emotional, and affirming portrayal of living as an LGBTQ+ person that I have ever read in a manga. My feeble attempts to analyze it and express my appreciation here are laughable. My advice, get your hands on a copy right away!

To try and quantify this work with categorical scores would be nothing but insulting so I will end with only the overall rating: 10/10

Our Dreams at Dusk: Shimanami Tasogare Volume 1 is available now in at major North American retailers digitally and in print and volumes 2-4 are available for pre-order

Support yuri and LGBTQ+ content, news, and reviews by funding YuriMother on Patreon

All images are used for review purposes only and are owned by Yuhki KAMATANi, Shogakukan, and Seven Sea’s Entertainment. Please support the manga’s official release

#reviews #our dreams at dusk #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtq+#manga #anime #yuri #yaoi #queer #wlw #mlm #trans #transgender #representation #asexual #gay #comic #comics #graphic novel #seven seas

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jeremys-blogs · 4 years ago

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Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw: The Greater Houses

Within the Harry Potter books, our title character is introduced to a great many things during his first year at Hogwarts. Magic, lifelong friends, rivals, wise teachers, monsters galore, and of course, his arch-enemy. But among all these wizarding things that are explained to him, one of great significance to the school itself was the four houses. Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. Four sets of students each with differing beliefs and ideals and values, established way back at the start of the school's history. And of the four of them, it's easy to cite the first two, Gryffindor and Slytherin, as perhaps the most important to the story overall. Gryffindor, Harry's house, is effectively the house of heroes, containing the brave protagonists who fight against the forces of darkness. And Slytherin, meanwhile, are the house of the villains, where those who oppose Gryffindor dwell, and from which came the most infamous dark wizard of all. There may be nuance to both sides, but for the most part that's the role they play. Unquestionably, these are the two houses that hold the most sway over the events of the books, yet I would argue that, when it comes to the school itself, they're actually the least important when it comes to what school life and education are to be about, and that the two less-famous houses, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, are actually the houses which are of greatest value to those who go there.

Now, a large part of why I say this is that, as I said earlier, each of the houses is supposed to embody certain virtues and ideals, each of which differ from one another. Gryffindor, for instance, represents courage, heroism and valour. Slytherin is a house of cunning and ambition. Hufflepuff is a house of hard work, honesty and inclusiveness. And Ravenclaw, to round them all out, is a house of intelligence and wisdom. All of these are fine traits in and of themselves, but when it comes to what those at a school are supposed to be doing, it becomes clear to me that the latter two houses embody the traits that are best for them. Hard work, intelligence, out-of-the-box thinking, these are immensely valuable things for those who are going through education. However, things like courage most definitely are not. Don't get me wrong, it's in no way a bad thing to be brave, but think back to your own school experiences, and ask yourself how many times you depended on qualities like valour to get through whatever it was you were learning about? Cunning and ambition from Slytherin are certainly more in-keeping, granted, but even that doesn't hold a candle to things like intelligence. Remember, education is all about learning and working towards what you want to be later in life, and when you have that in mind, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff really are the houses who keep that fact to heart.

But, as someone who has mentioned my views on this subject a number of times to others, you can probably guess that I've already been on the receiving end of a number of counterarguments. After all, so goes the thinking, Hogwarts is not like real-world schools. Normal schools never have to deal with magical creatures, or even magic to begin with. Therefore it's not reasonable to apply our ideas of what a good school should or shouldn't be doing. And I'll grant that much, it is a fantasy story after all so a lot of the rules aren't going to be comparable given the circumstances. But the more I think about individual defences of Hogwarts and the houses in particular, the less I'm convinced and the more I start to think of the school itself in fairly negative terms. The bravery aspect of Gryffindors, for instance, is often defended because of lessons like Defence Against the Dark Arts, where students are taught how to fight against aforementioned magical creatures or even evil witches and wizards. And that seems reasonable until you remember that what we're seeing here is a school training its student in martial techniques, akin to child soldiers, and since Gryffindor is regarded as among the more revered houses, it's even more disturbing since that basically says that fighting is something they actually hope their students will learn or even want to do.

And our look at Hogwarts houses becomes even more uncomfortable when you consider what is easily the most glaring example; Slytherin. Now, I mean no offence to any real-world Slytherins out there. If you've taken one of those online quizzes and have been sorted into it, this is nothing against you. But within the actual stories themselves, this group has issues left, right and centre. Most notable is their pure-blood reputation. There are likely exceptions but for the most part the house only admits members who come from established wizarding families, creating a closed-off "our kind are better than your kind" club within the school. Now, right off the bat we can recognise that this is a bad thing to have in any school, especially considering all of the poisonous attitudes such a collection could foster. If you gather together a bunch of kids who come from families who have taught them that "their line is better" and then stick them all in the same living space with little to no interaction with those outside, then what you're left with is a breeding ground for problems, not the least of which are students who will mock or even outright attack those who they deem unworthy to be in the same school as them. If such groupings were to exist in real-life schools, people would be well within their rights to ask for it to be changed.

The Slytherin situation becomes even worse when you consider that nothing about it changes, or is even recommended to change, after the events of the second book. Back then it was revealed that the house's founder, Salazar, was so convinced that magical children from non-magical families should be kept out of Hogwarts that he secretly smuggled in a monster to hunt them down and kill them. True, said monster was eventually slain by Harry, but nobody ever considers that maybe it's time to change things. No, Slytherin gets to keep its blood-purity obsession and they don't even think to change the name of the house, and while I acknowledged that there would have indeed been an uproar among wizard traditionalists, it's just one more mark against the houses when they're allowed to keep the name of someone who thought it was okay to murder kids. Now contrast with Hufflepuff, whose founder was so unconcerned with blood status that she was willing to take anyone and everyone and give them the same level of education. That right there is a healthy mindset to be promoting, and is even more impressive when you consider how far back in history Helga was supposed to have lived. Inclusiveness is something all schools should strive for, and Hufflepuff is to be saluted for being the house to embody that belief.

In fact, when you get right down to it, both Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw promote a lot of behaviours that would be considered healthy or admirable for a collection of students. There's the aforementioned inclusiveness for Hufflepuffs of course, but there's also honesty, loyalty, a dedication to hard work and a general sense of humility. They don't boast about their achievements, even when they've achieved something truly spectacular. Ravenclaws likewise celebrate academics, curiosity wit and learning even if that learning is only for its own sake. They're a group that welcomes those with new or different ideas that might not have been considered before, simply because such things would broaden what becomes possible to learn about. Put these two houses together and what you're left with is basically the perfect student. Diligent, intelligent, friendly, but also studious and committed to doing well with their time at school. As such it's a real shame that the spotlight was so often taken away from them, to the point of being regarded by general audiences of these books as "the other ones". Sure, we had the occasional Hufflepuff like Cedric, as well as recurring Ravenclaw Luna, but it was clear that characters from those houses were never going to be as beloved as those from the "hero house" Gryffindor, despite being more than worthy of praise and attention.

I realise of course that it's something of a trendy thing to do to be criticising things about the Harry Potter books these days, but for me these are things that I've been thinking about ever since I first read them back in the 90s. I had school houses myself back in the day, and as I looked through those books I thought, even at the young age I was, that Gryffindor and Slytherin weren't ones that seemed all that great. If what you wanted was a house that produced heroes and villains, sure, but this is a school we're talking about, and that's not what schools are supposed to be doing. They're supposed to encourage learning, how to help kids be friendly to one another, how to work hard and have the right mindset for when they grow up. And as I myself have grown up, it's become more and more clear to me that Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw are the houses that truly embody the things school should both look for in their students and try to foster within said students. Bravery and cunning are fine things in their own right, but when it comes to getting an education and everything that's supposed to come with school life, I'm afraid the lion and snake are vey much overshadowed by the badger and the eagle 😉

#essay #writing #my stuff #harry potter #hogwarts #hufflepuff #ravenclaw

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theshinsun · 4 years ago

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A-Z for honesty hour because I'm an asshole. :D

A - If I’m in love.

...yes. I never thought I would be again, I thought I’d been too hurt and jaded to feel this way again, but against all odds, I’m back to being 17 in full force.

B - Who the last person I talked to on the phone was.

The only one who ever calls me is my mother. And customers at work.

C - How long it’s been since I’ve kissed.

damn, almost a year now… not since my last relationship ended back in October-ish. even then, it was mostly casual pecks idk if we ever seriously made out tbh.

D - If I have a preference for boys or girls.

already answered (twice) but I'll keep going… I've got a definite preference of guys over girls, but I'm also a bi disaster and sometimes it doesn't make a lot of sense why this person is instantly attractive to me while that person isn't. certain aspects of femininity do appeal to me, but weirdly other aspects seem to be a turn-off and I can't always put my finger on what or why. ...that caveat does not apply to masculinity though, even if it's traditionally "masculine" features on a feminine-presenting individual I am 100% down every time.

E - How many holes I have in my ears.

two and a half? I got a third piercing at some point halfway up the lobe but it got infected and scarred over I think. the holes I do have are also stretched (I'm up to 0G now) and I've been meaning to get some more.

F - Give me any options, like ‘hot or cold?’

wasn't given any options, so I guess I'll go with hot or cold lol. I prefer hot, I'm one of those weirdos who loves summer because of the heat and I'll usually take a hot food/drink over a cold one.

G - The last person I said ‘I love you’ to.

my mom, over the phone just now.

H - The last person I hugged.

my roommate. we're not always super touchy-feely with each other but I've been feeling kind of down and she noticed.

I - The last time I felt jealous, and why.

I'm not usually a very jealous person, but the last time I really felt that way… I'd recently broken up with my ex, and they were sitting on someone else's lap and I… felt things. part of the reason I realized I may have made a mistake.

J - Are you insecure. What about?

K - What my full name is

already answered, my first and middle are Jacob Brooks, I'm not putting my last name out there sorry I don't trust like that.

L - If I have siblings.

already answered, I've got two, an older brother and a younger sister.

M - If I forgive betrayal.

I mean, I forgive but I don't forget, ya know? like I'll accept an apology if it's sincere and welcome the person back and never bring it up again, but I'm probably gonna be cautious around them in the future, and not trust them as readily as I would have before.

N - If you want to know how I treat my friends.

if I call someone my friend it means I really feel close with them, and I treat my friends basically like my family. I try to always be honest and supportive of them, bc I love and appreciate them and just want them to be happy.

O - If I like my school.

I love my school. the campus is beautiful, the teachers are fantastic, and I just love being there and learning and growing in my classes. I'm really sad this semester is probably going to be mostly online because I really feel like I belong in those studios and on that campus and I miss it.

P - What kind of music I like.

already answered, and it mostly boiled down to all over the fuckin place, so this time… band recommendations, here we go. no you have no say in this.

here, have a clump of random favorite bands off the top of my head: mother mother, bad suns, nothing but thieves, hozier, shearwater, the neighbourhood, steam powered giraffe, rainbow kitten surprise, the oh hellos, gregory alan isakov, caravan palace, mystery skulls, khai dreams, autoheart, muse, silversun pickups, thousand foot krutch, two door cinema club, twenty one pilots, blue october, jukebox the ghost

Q - What the last party I went to was, and when the next will be.

I'm not a partier at All, but I did have a bunch of friends over for the 4th (okay I say a bunch but it was like four people from our usual less-socially distant circle). I have no idea when the next get-together will be, it's kinda hard to plan those kinds of things lately.

R - For me to tell 10 of my curiosities.

the phrasing of this question is weird but I'm gonna assume it means things I'm curious about? let's go with that.

travel. I haven't ever been out of the country and I'd like to see other parts of the world at least at some point in my life.

tattoos. both getting them and learning to do them, it's a niche branch of art that I'm just fascinated by and I might like to do it as a career if I knew more about it.

same thing with being a florist. I'm really drawn to it as a concept and I'm super curious how it works, but I have no idea what kind of… qualifications and whatnot I'd need for that.

surfing. I'm surrounded by the lifestyle and now kind of own a surfboard, I just want to know what the appeal is.

this may be a bit tmi, but I'm really curious what it's like to have a dick. I don't suppose I'll strictly ever know, but I still really want to… probably one of the biggest things to clue me in that I'm definitely trans is the literal penis envy ngl.

I've always kind of had a fascination with the ocean, and I'd love to go like, scuba diving or something someday, to see it up close and personal.

I think everyone has the impulse thought of shaving their head at some point. maybe someday I will I don't quite have the balls to do it now.

I've gone this long in my life and never wielded a sword? a travesty. I don't pretend to have the grace to actually know how to use one, but I've like, never even held a real one and the idea interests me a lot.

this one might be slightly morbid curiosity, but I don't think I've ever been like, properly drunk or high before, like I've been tipsy but I've never been wasted, you know? the idea kind of scares me and I don't think I'm going to go out and remedy it, but it's still there, and even if I know it's not a good idea, I do still wonder what that's like.

same vein, maybe even a little darker, but I've got at least a little morbid curiosity about like, death and real danger. again, not planning to act on it At All, but the thought is still lurking in the back of my mind like what if…? you asked for honesty. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

S - 2 habits.

bit of a new habit, but I have a whole ritual of disinfecting groceries when I bring them home, and then disinfecting the door knobs and counters. I don't know if it'll persist after the pandemic is over, but it's already ingrained in me and I don't feel comfortable if I skip it or do it differently.

I apologize for things that aren't my fault. it's such an instinct at this point to say "sorry" when I'm uncomfortable or anxious that it doesn't even register anymore, even when people tell me not to be sorry, I'm still gonna say it, sorry.

T - 5 things I love unconditionally.

already answered so here's 5 more

my family. if I haven't got my family I haven't got anything, we've got each others' backs and I won't turn on them for anything

my friends. same deal, I owe so much to my friends, I love them, and that won't change no matter what they decide to do or be.

sleep. I love sleep so much, even if it's just an involuntary nap, though for someone who loves it so much I sure don't get enough of it

spotify. I know it has problems, I know there are probably more streamlined/cheaper music streaming services out there, but at this point, I've sunk too much of my time and energy into this one and I'll never give it up

my ocs. I don't talk about them very much on this platform, but I have them, they're my children, and I love them even if they're assholes and never easy to write/draw.

U - How many texts I send daily.

already answered, the number varies, and sometimes swings drastically between like, 5 and 35 on any given day.

V - 3 big dreams.

graduate art school. it's gonna be a serious undertaking and probably take several more years and a lot of loans at this point, but I'm still determined to get there someday.

someday I want to write a book. I know I've said that before on a different prompt, but it wouldn't be a list of dreams without including this one that I've held onto since childhood.

this one's kind of vague, but someday… I want to not be afraid anymore. like I want to finally be in a state of mental/financial security so I can live my life without the fear of what's coming next.

W - An idol.

it's probably really basic to list a youtuber, but I've still gotta go with Chase Ross. the guy was an inspiration and a major source of information and support for me early-on in my transition, and even watching him now I still want to approach life with the pure positive energy and confidence that he has.

X - If I’ve done something I regret very much.

yes. a couple things, really… some of which I don't think I'll ever be able to make up for.

Y - If I like my town and why.

my current town? yeah, it's got its problems but it's also beautiful and full of life and art and unique energy and I miss the days before the Corona End Times when I could actually go out and enjoy it.

Z - Ask any question you want.

??? I did not receive any specification for this one, and given that I didn't skip even the duplicate answers and this is ridiculously long, this one I'm gonna SKIP.

#shin speaks #answered #finally getting to this a million years later #thanks friend!!#i'll get to the other prompts in a second but i felt bad about not finishing this one #tw death mention #tw alcohol mention #just to be safe

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lowat-golden-tower · 5 years ago

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Hooked on Volleyball

I got inspired by @pistachiolan and the crossover art they made for Haikyuu!! and Sanders Sides. Basically an adjusted take on the scene they parodied with the character replacements. I tweaked some of the dialogue, and there’s quite a bit of Logan introspection, but otherwise the scene plays out as in the anime.

This is also my first time writing Remus, so... take that as you will fhusd.

------------------------

Logan couldn't believe he was going to do this. After eagerly turning down the offer to join the students from the other schools in their free practice, he was crawling back to the third gym with bones still weary from the day's matches. Part of him wanted nothing more than to return to the dorms for a hot bath and a good, long rest. But a figurative fire had been lit within him, metaphorically burning away at his internal organs and filling him with the subtle buzz of a curious energy.

It was just a club. He might not even pursue volleyball after high school. There were more vital things he could be doing to nourish his mind and body than training it for a few years of matches.

Just a club. Just a tournament. Just an accolade.

Then why was he here, standing in the light pouring out from the open doorway of the third gym? If asked, Logan wasn't certain he could articulate a proper answer. He just... was. Following his gut, or his instinct, wasn't exactly his normal course of action and yet...

He could hear the sounds of the ball smacking against the hardwood, and the shouts and jeers of those older students who'd half-accosted him prior. His grip tightened on his towel and he practically glared through the protective netting ensconcing the doorway. Well, standing around on the stoop would earn him nothing but a chill and some new mosquito bites. If he was going to pursue this particular path, then he should take the proper steps. Even if half of him still wasn't sure just what he was doing there.

Up the stone steps, ducking through the netting so that he could come to another halt. His expression was still stony; brows slightly furrowed in that near glare as the three boys within stopped to acknowledge him. He felt the curve of his fingers dig into the damp material of his towel again.

"Oya?" The one with the silver streak, Remus, from Fukurodani piped up.

Roman, from Nekoma, was right on his heels. "Oya? Oya?"

"Oya? Oya? Oya?" Only for Remus to repeat himself, thrice, completing the irritating onomatopoeia and instantaneously making Logan have several regrets about his latest decision. De, also from Fukurodani, merely eyed him with that cool, calculating gaze. None of them seem surprised at all.

Logan wasn't sure if that made the whole situation more or less annoying. Honestly, he knew they could be bothersome, he'd witnessed their behavior to analyze their personalities long enough now. He shouldn't be surprised by any of it, either. Setting his jaw, he strode forward, forcing himself to close the distance between them. Roman and Remus were both hosting confident little smirks and it set off an infuriating itch, one which felt as if it were in Logan's veins; impossible to scratch. He halted, cleared his throat, and managed to keep his tone even when he spoke. "There's something I'd like to ask you. May I?"

"Sure!" Roman and Remus chorused almost in perfect synchronization, while De remained silent and observant. It was so uncanny to witness it actually took Logan aback for a moment and he had to blink, nudging his brain into a polite response.

"Thank you very much." He gave a slight nod. "Both of your schools are sometimes considered powerhouse schools, correct?" Logan assumed as much, as they were often discussed in volleyball magazines- or their members, at least, like Remus. But it was best to double check straight from the source before he went pursuing those assumptions. Strangely, both Remus and Roman seemed perturbed, with Roman actually looking offended. De's expression, of course, didn't shift in the slightest.

"Well, yes, of course! And not just 'sometimes,' all the time!" Roman was the one to practically snap back, clearly irritated.

Logan decided to press forward, hoping his question would smooth over whatever slight he'd committed against his elders. "Even if you were to make it to nationals, actually winning there would be difficult, correct?"

Unfortunately, that just seemed to aggravate Roman further, though this time it was Remus who was quick to snap up with a furious vigor in his voice. "But not impossible! Nothing is impossible!"

"Now, now, let's hear him out. This is just a what if." Thankfully, De was calmer headed than the other two, and did his best to smother the growing flames Logan was unintentionally fanning with his hypotheticals. Neither Roman or Remus complained further, but neither looked very happy.

Logan decided to just be honest. "I seriously cannot fathom how everyone can be so determined. Volleyball is just a club, an extracurricular activity, and perhaps you can write, 'I worked exceptionally hard in my club in high school,' on your resume, yes? But that's all."

Remus's already tense expression tightened even more, and a particular glint entered his eyes. "Just a club?" The words growled themselves out of his throat. As if Logan had suggested Remus was a criminal, or insulted him personally. Again, the visceral reaction took Logan by surprise, but Remus wasn't finished. His eyes narrowed and his lips pursed into a pout. "That almost sounds like someone's name." He made the statement with complete seriousness.

"Ooh, like Mary Club?" Roman was quick to jump in, intrigued.

Remus considered for a moment, then shook his head. "No wait, I guess it was 'just some club.'" He rubbed at his chin. Logan could only observe the two, utterly flummoxed, though he felt validated in the fact De hosted a similar expression.

"Dash it all! So it doesn't sound like someone's name. So close to some witty wordplay!" Roman whined, stomping a foot.

Remus clenched his fist. "Damn it!"

Logan finally decided to try and rein the topic back to where it needed to be. "Are you basically asking me to retort?"

"Don't. There'll be no end to it," De assured him with a deep sigh.

Abruptly, Remus turned to Logan. "Say, four-eyes."

"It's Logan."

"Say, Logan-eyes... is volleyball fun?" There was a playful smile dancing at Remus's mouth while he stared Logan down expectantly.

Granted, it took Logan more than a moment to answer. He paused, gaze drifting from the wild-eyed teen to actually ponder the question. It was after much thought and deliberation he finally looked back to the person he was speaking to and spoke honestly, yet again. "No..."

"Maybe that's because you suck."

It was just about the last thing Logan expected to hear. It shook him to his very core. In a split second, he was simultaneously offended and flabbergasted. Remus had made the claim as if there was no question about it; as if Logan's ineptitude with the sport was simple fact. It figuratively made Logan's hackles raise to such a degree he could feel every muscle in his back and at the back of his neck tensing up. For better or worse, the statement had shocked him enough that he couldn't formulate any kind of response before Remus spoke again.

"I'm a third year and I've been to nationals, and I'm better than you. Far better!" He boasted his skills, briefly flicking fingertips to his chest in an arrogant sort of pose.

Logan heaved an exhausted sigh. "You're stating the obvious." Of course Remus was better than him. He was older and stronger, with more practice and experience under his belt. If Logan happened to be even a degree better than one of the top four spikers in the country then they wouldn't even be having this conversation.

Remus rolled right past his interjection with some honesty of his own. "But I only recently started thinking that volleyball was fun." That surprised Logan, and caught his attention, allowing Remus to continue further. "I believe it was when my straight became usable in matches! Because my cross hits that I was really good at kept getting blocked, I got frustrated and practiced the hell out of straights. Heheh, only on the court, though." Remus's grin was cheeky, as was his wink, which made Roman boisterously laugh and De roll his eyes. "And... at the next tournament, the same blockers couldn't touch it! I got right past them. Should have seen the looks on their faces, you'd think someone had taken a shit in their sneakers!" The frustration was replaced with an almost manic grin, as Remus clenched and proudly raised his fist. "Just that one shot made me feel like my time had finally come." His head dipped back in a grand laugh, his expression content.

Yet when his eyes opened, they were honed directly on Logan. They almost seemed to stare through him, trembling him at the core in a more subtle fashion than the earlier call out. He actually took a step back out of pure reflex. "It all depends on if you have that moment or not." Shadows flickered across the ace's face, an almost intimidating and palpable aura rising up from his broad shoulders while he stared Logan down. "It doesn't really matter what happens in the future, or if you can win your next match. The joy you feel beating the lout in front of you, and when you're able to pull out 120% of your potential, is everything. Everything!"

Logan could only stare at the other boy, utterly speechless, mind a whirlwind of thoughts and new information. Remus wasn't providing him with any facts, figures or statistics, or actual advice he could practice on. What Remus spoke of was something deeper than physical; a type of mental fortitude and will to improve, to best the opponent. Sentiments unfathomable to Logan.

"Well, at least that's how it is for me, and it doesn't mean that applies to everyone." Remus confessed with a shrug. Of course it didn't. That sounded like pure insanity to Logan. "I don't really understand why you say 'it's just a club,' but I don't think you're wrong. But once that moment arrives for you..." Slowly, Remus lifted his hand, raising a finger to point emphatically at Logan with a confident fluorish. "...that's the moment you'll be hooked on volleyball."

Logan's eyes widened a fraction of an inch. It was a lot to process, yet at the same time nothing at all. His logical thinking was quick to be split straight down the middle; acknowledging how such a mentality could be fruitful, while just as eagerly dismissing the advice as emotional fluff and nothing particularly impactful. He was at an impasse, figuratively struggling through the mental mire for what nuggets of wisdom the ace had clearly just been trying to offer him. As such, he failed to notice the older boys moving in until it was too late, and he suddenly found himself surrounded.

"All right. I answered your question, now help with blocking." Remus quipped cheerily to Logan's left. His head whipped around, eyes widening further with realization.

"Wait-"

Remus placed a hand on his back, and Roman followed up with a hand between Logan's shoulder blades. "All right, now. Come on, hurry it up."

They weren't going to take "no" for an answer. Logan was so stunned by the sudden turn of events he could only gawk, boggled, and walk stiffly towards the net. "Wait, what..."

To the side, De sighed, giving his head a slight shake. "A tit for a tat, how about that...."

#hq!!#sanders sides #crossover #logan sanders #roman sanders #remus sanders #deceit sanders

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