#kind of forgor dinner was a thing for a minute

[infernalfae]

eating quiche at 11 at night 👍

[iminthetunnels]

i literally forgor what it felt like to be under so much stress. the cold sweats, the extreme panic, the throwing up, gagging if i put foood in my mouth. like it’s been good for so long, even before i met him i was doing so good. i was so healthy and so happy. now i feel i have to restart again. “that’s what life is about” but i truly don’t think so. i think it’s so wicked. like a bad dream. a weird nightmare. ever since i went to nashville, ever since i stepped in the waiting room at the cancer center, pure pain and shock. pure shock. it hit me all over again. i see the bald children on dialysis and im in udder shock, pain, fatigue, i want to cry. but i look stupid. i see their bloated faces. i’m scared. they tell me it’s fine. but i read those test results. they call me and want to do further testing. they will do another bone marrow biopsy. i can feel it. called it. i just sit in shock and also so fuckin funny dude. “u gunna leave me when shit gets hard” and it’s like yeah absolutely ! what kind of world . i am so so so so so sick. all i can think is, i want my son to be healthy. why is that so wrong. i am so sick. you’d never know either. i am so good at making sure it’s going to be okay. god has always had me. thru everything. i can’t lose my son tho. i cannot lose my son. they tell me “he’s developmentally delayed. just be with him 100% of the time” that’s fine. i already am. bht i don’t think he’s delayed. i think it’s traumatizing going to the doctor for him. so what if he can’t feed himself because he can’t see? so what i HAVE to be a helicopter mom and watch him so he doesn’t run into walls, poles, doors, whatever. or fall off a ledge. i wish i told them how well he hikes. he loves hiking. he says “i wanna walk by myself” and climbs rocks. the walking stick helps so much, it’s like a giant pointer finger and sound maker for him to see a REALLY big step. don’t care if im rambling. he wants me next to him while he sleeps, he can tell when i get up. even to go pee. he’s always coslept with me. even as a newborn. well actually, he slept on my chest 99% of the time. he slept on his own for abt 10 minutes as a newborn. like at a time. he also. has never really spent time away from me. i’ve never had a night away from him. i’ve never been too far from him. i’m always around him 100% and i don’t mind this actually i prefer this. i love to watch him grow. i love teaching him and being his mom. today we did tracing and he drew a nice big circle. he wants to help me do everything. he is a big helper. i love him more than life itself. he’s so wonderful. his favorite color is red. i wonder what he’ll make me crack up abt tomorrow. i wonder if he’ll wanna do tracing again. every morning, we do the calendar and white board. we have a velcro calendar that we change and we go thru the day, date, month, year, season, and current weather. on his white board i ask him…. how do you feel today??? he usually says “good!:)” with a big smile. i ask him, what do you wanna do today??? and i write down all the things he wants to do. i ask him, what do you want to eat today? so we are both prepared??? we go thru breakfast, lunch, snacks, dinner. then i write anything else he wants to add. it’s fun and builds a great schedule, routine of the sorts. then we go on to do everything he wants to do. i also started adding what i wanted to do. so he knows i have time to myself as well. today was “i wanna do some projects” and he honored that, respected it and gave me some space while he “read” all by himself. he was making up stories and flipping thru his books. his imagination is wild and beautiful. he’s very funny.