#kind of an idealized version of myself currently rip but here

[beetlejuce]

Was tagged by @ybep @carmybcrzatto and @enswbl (indirectly) to do this little guy maker and share the last song I've listened to! Thank you as always ❤️

No pressure tags: @icouldntfindquiet @useremo @userparamore @blueberry-beanie @thepunkpanther @keery @knockmeforsix no idea who to tag in these but 👋!

[iceeckos12]

A time travel au. angst and h/c. inspired by this post

Warnings: jon’s very low self-esteem

“What do you think of him?” Jon suddenly asks, staring blankly at the wall of the breakroom.

Tim pauses in the middle of chewing his sandwich to give him a long, considering look.

He’s mostly decided to suspend his disbelief until further notice, simply to keep from losing his mind. What else is one supposed to do when future versions of Jon and Martin, who are also apparently dating, tell you that your workplace is currently involved in a plot to end the world? Ideally he would’ve processed one big revelation at a time, but apparently they don’t have time for that, so goodbye grip on reality, it was nice knowing you. I’ll hit the restart button as soon as things start making sense again.

Tim wipes his hand across his mouth, swallows, and asks, “You mean Jon II?”

Jon rolls his eyes, like Tim’s being obtuse on purpose just to annoy him. “Yes, I mean...him. Me. Jon II.” Then his nose wrinkles amusingly, the same way it always does whenever he says the moniker. He’s hated it since the beginning, but it was a battle he quickly lost, what with all three of his assistants opposing him.

Normally, Tim wouldn’t have thought twice about shrugging and answering, but...Jon’s been uncharacteristically quiet lately. Oh sure, he’d blushed up a storm upon learning that his future self and Martin were dating, and he’d expressed his own misgivings at the beginning, but...since then he’s been eerily, silently watchful. In Tim’s experience, when presented with this sort of puzzle Jon generally buries himself in research, and doesn’t emerge until he’s good and ready to do so.

There’s something else on his mind.

So Tim puts down his sandwich and gives himself a moment to think carefully through his response. “I mean...he’s a lot like you, obviously. But he seems…” What’s a polite way to say, the trauma and the boyfriend seems to have made him a little more easygoing? He certainly smiles more freely than he ever has, which...honestly, makes Tim want to cry sometimes. How horrible, that so much abject cruelty had just made him more kind. “...tired. A little less high-strung?”

“I see,” Jon says, turning his mulish gaze to his curry, dragging his spoon through the thick sauce.

Tim waits a beat longer, but when nothing else seems forthcoming he prompts, “Why do you ask?”

Jon’s reaction is only to press his lips into a thin, tight line. Tim knows this mood; he’s weighing how insecure he’ll look if he says whatever’s actually bothering him out loud, versus how much he wants someone else to hear it. Pushing him now will only make him clam up, so Tim just waits.

Tim’s patience is rewarded when Jon blurts, “But you like him. You...you all do.”

“Yes,” Tim says slowly, because it’s true. Martin’s so enamoured with a Jon that actually likes him that he keeps bringing him tea just to get another glimpse of that gentle, thankful smile, just to strike up another conversation about nothing. Sasha has decided that he’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened to her, and insists on consulting him whenever she reads a new true statement.

Tim’s personally a little unnerved by the awful, sad way future Jon looks at him sometimes, or the way he flinches back whenever someone tries to touch him without warning. But he’d taken Tim aside and quietly explained everything he knew about what happened to Danny, so.

Oh, Tim thinks, feeling like an idiot for not realizing it sooner. Jon may be an old hand at fooling others with his grumpy persona, but Tim knows that he’s just using it to hide his massive inferiority complex. “Wait, are you jealous?”

Jon ducks his head, and his ears darken. Gotcha, Tim thinks. 

“Jon, you know that that’s still you, right?” he explains gently, quietly relieved that it’s not something more complicated. “We like him just as much as we like you, because you’re the same person.”

“But he���s not the same, is he?” Jon protests. “Look at the scars on his neck, on his hand. And he has panic attacks, and he flinches at loud noises, and, and—”

He breaks off, biting down hard on his lip, threading a hand through his hair.

Tim stares at him, feeling off-kilter, like he missed a step coming down the stairs. That doesn’t sound like jealousy. “...Jon?”

Jon shakes his head, his breath escaping him in thready, devastated gasps.

He can’t tell what’s going on in Jon’s head, and it’s starting to scare him. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

Jon just sits there for a moment long, tugging at his hair, staring sightlessly at the middle distance. Tim gently untangles his fingers, giving him something a little more solid to hold onto.

“You all like him,” he says at last. “You all...he’s so kind, and he’s funny, and you like him, because someone hurt him first. He’s different—we’re different—because someone cut our throat and burned our hand, and you like him better.”

Tim’s horrified. “Jon—”

“Should I accept that?” he continues, the words flooding from him like a dam finally exploding in a shower of groaning wood and weathered stone. “Do I—how do I carry on knowing that I could be the person I want to become, if only I give myself to monstrosity, if only I let myself be hurt like that?”

“Of course we’re not going to let that happen to you!” Tim interrupts, voice higher and more frightened than he meant it to be. He’s applying duct tape to a raging river. He has no fucking idea how to fix this. “You don’t deserve—”

“Don’t I?” Jon demands, whirling on him, eyes flashing. “Don’t I deserve to be happy? Or am I unworthy of even this kind of improvement? Am I doomed to be like this forever?” Tears well in his eyes, spill over. “Don’t I deserve it?”

And then he slowly, inevitably, dissolves into tears, his slim shoulders shaking as he curls over and buries his face in his elbow. Tim drapes an arm across his back, angling his body so he can gently tuck Jon’s head against his shoulder. He doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to do. Even if Jon were in any shape to hear it, he has no idea how to fix this.

Tim could tell him that he and Martin and Sasha all think that he’s fine the way he is, and it’s the stress of an apparently eldritch job that’s causing him to push people away, but he doubts Jon would believe it. Words mean nothing when actions have been screaming something entirely different all this time, and Jon’s always been more observant than they give him credit for.

“Oh, Jon,” he whispers when the tears finally start to slow, dropping a kiss onto silver and black hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that you felt that way.”

Jon pulls away and shrugs, averting his reddened eyes. Tim squeezes his elbow to prevent him from retreating entirely. They sit like that for a moment, Jon going very still and very tense under Tim’s hand, settling into the vulnerability like an open wound.

“I’m sorry,” Jon says finally, sniffing heavily. He’s aiming for his usual brusque, dry tone, but his voice is shaking, and he’s not fooling anyone. “That was unprofessional of me.”

Before Tim can stop himself, an incredulous laugh rips out of him. “Jon,” he says quickly, “We’re well beyond professional. You know that, right? You don’t have to hide from me.”

Jon flushes. “Yes, well—it was unfair for me to put this on you, as your fr—as…” His expression goes all fragile and uncertain, and Tim’s heart aches.

“It’s not unfair,” Tim corrects gently. “As your friend,” and here he pauses for emphasis, “I want to know when you’re feeling like this.”

“Oh,” Jon murmurs, then straightens and scrubs the teartracks from his cheeks. “Oh.”

Tim nods reassuringly, takes a deep breath, and makes an educated guess. “I know you’re scared, Jon. We all are. This place is...horrible, and seeing what you went through is...terrifying. I can’t imagine how that must be for you.” He lets his eyes flicker up. Jon’s still watching him, rapt, and good, good. I haven’t lost him. “I won’t deny that he’s getting along with Sasha and Martin quite well, but...but that’s not because of what he—you—went through. It’s because….right now, you’re pushing people away because you’re scared, but he’s already done that. He knows that pushing people away just means you end up alone. It doesn’t mean he’s a better person, just that he’s a little wiser.”

“But how can you be sure?” Jon asks, leaning forward, eyes big and desperate.

“I mean, I wouldn’t have become your friend if I didn’t like you,” Tim admits unashamedly.

His bold honesty is rewarded by Jon flushing and ducking his head.

“But even so,” he continues, sobering, “Even if you were the worst person on the planet—and you’re not—you wouldn’t deserve to be hurt like that, no matter what the outcome. Does that make sense?”

Jon looks thoughtful as he says, “I—yes. Yes, that makes sense.”

He can tell though, that Jon doesn’t quite believe him. That’s okay—honestly, it’s what he was expecting. Tim’s been running headfirst into the wall that is Jon’s terrible self-esteem for as long as they’ve been friends. This problem is going to take more than one half-assed pep talk.

That’s okay, though. Jon’s worth the effort.

[shadowfae]

We’re all pretty aware that the tumblr otherkin community is at a huge decline; I was wondering if you have any theories as to why that is?

American Protestantism, the decline of queer oppression in North America and the AIDS crisis, helicopter parenting, web 3.0, morality politics, and  Tumblr’s porn ban; roughly in that order and rolled up into one bombshell that was a few years in the coming but nobody really saw it and understood it until it was far too late.

That was a mouthful and probably only made sense if you follow current cyberpolitical theory. For some of you reading this, as with every other hot take I have this has a chance of being passed around, that alone is enough. But for others who had no idea what I just said and need the ELI5 version, let me explain that. Buckle up, this’ll be a long one, and will go into fandom history a bit as well because it is actually relevant.

As we know, tumblr is a very American-centric platform. Twitter is also this way, but less so, but tumblr has it bad. Now, I’m ‘lucky’ in the fact that I’m Canadian and a twenty minute drive from the American border, so that puts me in the ‘privileged’ majority. (I say privileged because I’m not really sure what else to call it. Most of the information going around about politics either directly affects me or indirectly affects me approximately one or two links of contact away. Someone who’s only influenced by American politics because it makes their sister’s online friends sad is not going to be privileged in that way.)

This means that American politics and their social climate overwhelmingly affects tumblr’s social climate. This also bleeds through into other fandom spaces, on twitter, instagram, and Pixiv to name a few places; but here’s where I spend the majority of my time so here’s what I’ve witnessed.

America’s main religion, as far as I understand (from the raised agnostic and currently neopagan view I have), is some weirdass capitalistic-Protestantism that is so many miles from what the actual Bible says that if I were a betting man and knew more about cults than I did, I’d say it’s some weird fucking cult and never set foot in the country again for any reason that isn’t gaming free shipping through a PO box. If you have no idea what I just said but are at least vaguely familiar with Christianity, this graphic explains it pretty well. So we can see there’s some glaring issues with that ideal.

The decline of queer oppression and the rise of queer rights in North America, which is to tenderly include my own country but we all know when people say ‘in NA’ they mean ‘America, and Canada where it applies because the right-wing Republicans are really good in the propaganda department to convince everyone that Mexico is a drug-lords-and-anarchy wasteland to the point where even I don’t actually know what’s down there other than bad drivers and heat’; means two things. One, it’s a good thing by a long shot and do not mistake this as me thinking queer oppression being lessened is a bad thing. But two, it means that thanks to the AIDS crisis, queer folks lost a lot of first-person sources as history.

The queer elders in NA who survived are typically either a) bitter anarchists who are often POC, probably still dirt poor and do recreational drugs or b) university-tenured TERFs (trans exclusionary radical feminists). Category A are the people who Republicans have deemed worthless in every way, because racism, queerphobia, ableism, and all the other ways to be wrong and different and Evil that they can’t handle, because Jeezus would never want them to actually learn to love someone who wasn’t just like them, and they don’t have the compassion to do better. Category B are the people who want to be different in just a teensie little bit, typically with TERFs they want to be lesbians, but they don’t want to challenge the status quo. They’re fine with the way things work, they just want to be on top oppressing others over ripping the whole damn thing down and building a more forgiving system.

Now, due to all those ‘isms and the cheerfully malicious aid of the Republicans, pun not intended but drives home the cruelty of it all, we also see the rise of helicopter parenting. The invention of the internet did not really help this. Basically what you’ve got is a whole bunch of parents who saw the civil rights movement, just got access to the internet and things going viral, know the world is changing, and like all parents, they’re scared for their children. Now instead of parents knowing one or two people in their classes who just went missing one day and everyone assumed they ran away, they hear about eight homicides in the city of kids going to parks at night and dying. The Satanic Panic was another event around this time that contributed to that, but I’ll let you research that one.

This means that all of these parents, instead of doing what their parents typically did and let their kids wander off for the day so long as they’re back by sundown, they can’t let their children out of their sight. There might be a freak accident where their child is decapitated on the playground swing! Their baby might get murdered by an evil Satanist walking home from school! Their dearest darling might go online and tell their address to someone who’s got a 100% chance of being a pedophile who will show up and kidnap them in the night!

…You get the idea. 

Combine those three things I just established, what we’ve got is a lot of queer kids who have a lot of internalized shame for being different and wrong, because they’re queer, and they can’t find spaces offline to be themselves, because all of the elders who would do that are dead and/or inaccessible and their parents won’t let them go to any clubs that aren’t school-related, which they’ll never find a GSA or queer club because Republicans, ‘isms, propaganda, and the war on Category A queer adults have all done their best to ensure that those spaces don’t exist.

So you have a generation of kids who I am the youngest of. The first generation on the internet. The late Web 1.0 (usenets and Geocities) and early Web 2.0 (livejournal was the big one, ff.net too, also 4chan but fuck those guys) generation. What we were taught was: trust nobody on the internet with your real info no matter how much you like them, this is a wilderness and any crimes that happen won’t be punished or seen so don’t put yourself in a position where you’re going to be the victim of one, and everything you put online is never getting taken down so don’t put anything up that you’re not willing to have on the front page of your local newspaper.

This worked out pretty well, actually! You had kids who knew that if they got in trouble, there was no backup coming to save them. Because the form that backup might take - parents and police - wasn’t going to help. Best case, they’d be banned from their friends and online support groups for being queer. Worst case, they’d be jailed and put in juvie and conversion therapy and turn to drugs and become evil Satanists just like everyone says they secretly are already. So they learned very quickly to take care of themselves. Nobody was going to save them, so they learned to not need saving.

And then, well, Web 2.0 shifted to Web 3.0. Livejournal died because parents - the Warriors for Innocence was the big name - went “gasp how horrible my children are being exposed to the evil pedos and homosexuals they’re going to do drugs and die of AIDS!”. Which is uh. It’s filled with a lot of bigotry, and I’m not excusing them - absolutely I am not - but you can kind of see where they’re coming from, if you tilt your head and squint.

Either way, LJ died, tumblr took its place, Facebook was fast taking off, and the fandom folks who had seen mailing lists go inactive, web admins take their fanfic sites down due to copyright, entire fandoms burnt to the ground in flame wars, said ‘fuck that we’re making our own place’ and that’s how AO3 got made.

That’s important. A lot of folks move to AO3, because well, the rules let them. The rules say ‘you can throw literally anything up here so long as it’s fan content and is not literally illegal, so we don’t get taken down’. It’s a swing for the first generation internet users, those kids who know this place is a wilderness and are carving out our own sanctuary.

But. The children under us. The children for whom AIDS is a nightmarish fairy tale, for whom the ghost stories are conversion therapy, for whom know they can’t really talk to their parents about being queer but can trust they probably won’t get kicked out over it. The children who haven’t spent ten seconds without supervision except online, and their reaction isn’t ‘oh thank god I’m finally free to express myself’ but ‘if I get in trouble, who will protect me?’.

And there’s nobody there. Because we went in knowing there was no backup. And that was fine. But now, the actual adults have figured out that hey uh, maybe we should make cyber laws? Maybe we should make revenge porn and grooming children over the internet crimes? And they grew up with that. They grew up learning that no, even if your parents are suffocating and controlling, they’re always be there for you! Some adult will always be there to protect you!

That isn’t the case. It’s not. But they expect it, because it’s always been done for them. They don’t really want to change the status quo, because that means doing it themselves. They can’t do that, because they don’t know how, they’ve been controlled for every single part of their lives thanks to helicopter parenting and without that control, they don’t know how to keep their lives together, and they demand someone come and control it for them, without restraining them.

Effectively, they want someone to ensure they never face the consequences of their actions. Helicopter parents will rescue you from whatever you did, because you’re their precious baby and it doesn’t matter if you punched a kid, you can do no wrong and the other kid clearly started it.

But being queer is doing wrong. Being queer is something Jeezus doesn’t approve of. So they want to make it something he could approve of! But if it’s too off what they consider to be okay, if it’s too different and weird and wrong and evil, that can’t do, that’s still bad, and they’re precious angels, and children, and minors, why are we the adults not protecting them and letting them see it? Why aren’t we being just like their parents  but queer-friendly, why aren’t we protecting the children?

The adults who taught us were the children of those who died as a result of AIDS. The eldest of my generation knew some of them personally. My therapist’s younger brother died at 20 of AIDS, and she told me what it was like. But they don’t have that. These kids of web 3.0, they don’t have that. What they have is over-controlling parents, and the expectation that someone will always be there to protect them but hopefully in ways that don’t hurt them this time, no real understanding of why Category A queer elders are the way they are, and so much internalized shame that they have to do some pretty fancy logic-leaping to keep them from collapsing entirely.

They can’t turn into Category A queer youngsters, because they don’t know how to unravel the system around them, because they’ve never had to actually make choices in their lives and live with the consequences, because they don’t have the example of how to do it. They can’t unravel their internalized shame because again, that’s hard and they don’t have their parents to take away the consequences and pain. It doesn’t come easy to them, so it may as well not come at all.

But, you ask, if Category A queer elders aren’t around to teach the kids, then how are they learning anything positive at all? Well, Category B, our university-tenured TERFs, who don’t want to change the status quo but want to just be at the top of it instead.

For a lot of kids who don’t know how to make hard choices but want to be queer, this is an extremely attractive option. But when they go online to queer spaces, a lot of them say fuck terfs, we don’t support your hate, and they go ‘yeah okay that makes sense’. They can say fuck terfs without ever actually questioning why terfs are bad. They’re Bad and Evil, just like drug addicts, just like fairytale nazis, just like the evil homophobes.

And we saw them say ‘yeah fuck terfs’ and we were like, ‘aight you got it’ and we never questioned if they actually understood us. They didn’t. They didn’t, and we didn’t do enough to fix it, because not enough of us realized the problem. So terfs got a little sneaky. They hid behind dogwhistles and easy little comments, hiding their rhetoric in queer theory that you’ll absolutely miss if you just memorize it and never actually question it and understand why that point is being made.

This goes back to America sucking, because their school system is far more focused on rote memorization over actual logic and understanding of the text. They’re engaging with queer theory the way they’ve been taught, which is memorize and don’t think, don’t question. Besides, questioning and understanding is hard. Being shown different points of view and asked what they think is not only hard but requires them to go against all of the conditioning that says to just listen and agree and never question it, which goes back to tearing the system and internalized shame down, and we’ve established they can’t do that so naturally they don’t do that.

This begets, then, the rise of exclusionary politics. They’re turning into Category B queer youngsters, because we told them ‘hey that’s a terf talking point what are you doing’ and they never questioned why. They learned you can do all sorts of things, just don’t say X, Y, or Z, because they never thought deeply about it.

The children who have grown on Web 3.0 do not want to do any heavy lifting to make things easier for themselves long-run. They want to do as little as possible and have things get better for them. There isn’t enough of us left in Category A, because Category B terfs are very good at recruiting young folks and Cat. A is overwhelming poor, dead, and easily dismissed in the system as evil and bad, so we can’t exactly convince the young folks to listen. If all of the young kids could agree to tear down the system, a lot more older folks might listen. Change always starts with the young, and there’s a reason for that.

But Republicans have figured out, if you get people fighting, they never put together a force that can actually stop you. TERFs, who want the exact same thing as Republicans but with themselves on top, are doing this to queer youth, and Cat. A elders can’t fight back because there isn’t enough of them and the odds are against them, and the young folk like me who follow their lead.

People can kinda handle gay people. It’s not so far from the acceptable normal that it’s impassable. But you want them to handle kinky people? Gay people of colour? Kinky gay people of colour? Trans people? Those are bridges too far to step across. The original idea was to get the foot in the door with marriage equality and inch our way through with racial equality, sex positivity, dismantling ableism and perisexism (forgive me if that isn’t the word for anti-intersex ‘ism), and see if we can’t patch up the system instead of inciting a civil war over this and have to tear down the system entirely.

Well, we might’ve managed that if not for AIDS being the perfect ‘Jeezus is killing all the evil gay people for being sinners’ propaganda machine. As it stands now, not a chance in hell. So long as Republicans and terfs keep everyone fighting, nobody has the power to dismantle their empire, and they stay in power.

So then, you ask me, “Lu what the fuck does that have to do with the decline of otherkinity on tumblr???” and now that you’ve got all that background knowledge, here is your answer.

Those children who want their experiences curated for them and the evil icky content they don’t like to be gone because it disgusts them and anything that disgusts them is clearly sinful problematic and should be destroyed, are what we call ‘antishippers’, or anti for short.

They like being progressive. Sort of. They learned what Republicans and terfs have honed to a fine talent: keep people fighting, hold them to a bar they have to constantly make or risk being ostracized, and harass the people who don’t play along into getting out of your sight forever. Sound familiar?

They learned of otherkinity, and particularly fictionkind, because web 3.0 means if something goes viral on one site, it doesn’t just go viral on that site, it makes it to worldwide newspapers and twitter and nobody ever, ever fucking forgets it. They realized the following: “Hey wait, if I’m this character for realsies, not only does it help me deal with the internalized shame I’ve done nothing to actually fix because that takes work, I can also tell these people who draw gross content I don’t like they’re hurting me personally, and that actually sounds credible, and I can shame them into stopping”.

If this is your first time here and that sounds sickening, it damn well should, and I am so, so sorry that any of us had to witness this, and I am more sorry I and everyone else who personally witnessed this didn’t realize what was going on and put a stop to it. I answer asks and browse the tags and clear up misinformation and it isn’t just a genuine desire to help. It’s damage control, and my own way of trying to deal with the guilt of not stopping this. I’m well aware I couldn’t have seen it coming, I was a teenager myself still learning and no one person has that much power. I still feel like I should have done more, and I’ll do what I can to fix what’s within my power to fix.

So back to the story. This all culminates around 2016 or so. Trump wins the election, and every queer person ever knows they’re fucked, and the younger generation’s only ever heard horror stories, never seen actual oppression that this could bring. We’re all scared. We all don’t know what to do. Nobody has any answers or any control over the situation.

So they lash out. They attack others for drawing things they don’t like, for challenging them in literally any way, for asking them to reconsider the vile shit they just said, for so much as defending themselves from the harassment they just got. And when challenged, they yell “But I’m a minor! A literal child! How dare you attack me, clearly you get off on this, you evil pedophile!” and they sling around every insult in the book until one sticks. Pedophile is a pretty good one, so is abuser, and sometimes zoophile works out too. Freak is great, everyone gets right pissed off about it.

The fact that Category A queer elders were called pedophiles and freaks is not a fact they know or care about. The fact that they are quickly making every fandom community super toxic is also not a fact they care about. The fact that the ‘kin community has words and terminology and they actually mean shit, and the fact that they’re spreading misinformation faster than we can keep up with, are not facts they care about.

So they come in, take our terms, make it impossible for us to find new folks. They realize our anger is easily a power trip, because we’re already made fun of, so they get off on the little power they can find and make fun of us too, and then when we get rightfully annoyed and pissed off, they can hide behind being minors.

Then tumblr implements their porn ban, because nobody’s stopping them, because it isn’t profitable to have porn on here. Considering most of the otherkin community, and most fandom communities, are full of adults who do occasionally talk about NSFW things, and the fact that they’re just banning everyone who so much as breathes wrong, this begins the start of a mass exodus, scattering already fragile communities to twitter, pillowfort, dreamwidth, and a few other places. Largely, twitter, where you can’t make a post longer than a snappy comeback and where the algorithm is literally designed to piss you off as much as possible.

So community elders have largely left, because they can’t stand the drama and the pain of what’s happened, and that’s if they didn’t get banned for being kinky furries who do talk about how their kintypes merge with their sexuality. Most community members have also left or stopped talking about being ‘kin, because they get associated with antishippers and toxicity and it’s just not worth it. Those of us who are left get drowned out by misinformation and trolls and wishkin and antishippers who appropriate our terminology because it supports them getting a power trip, and whenever we argue, we get called pedophiles and freaks and worse.

And now there isn’t much left. I hope we get to find a better place. Othercon was a good place to talk about it, I did a whole panel (it’s on Youtube!) about what we want to do about it. But I don’t really have any answers. 

But to sum it all up... America’s political climate ultimately culminated in destroying queer spaces, and we survived, and then people who wanted to destroy smaller communities to get on top showed up and we were all but defenseless against something we had never, ever dealt with before on this scale.

One of my twitter mutuals mentioned how kinning and otherkin are now completely separate communities. It’s really the best I can do to keep hoping that continues, until nobody realizes the words are at all connected to each other. It’s the best anyone can hope for, now. I hate it. I hate every part of this. But maybe we can salvage what’s left.

[mmmmalo]

u said once that roxys cat symbol is an infantile one can u explain? plus have you read paglias description of the cat in ancient egypt as the emobdied fusion of appolonian (sp?) grace and cythonic mystique i think you would find it very interesting

There’s a pretty good explanation of cats-as-child-symbol in my (somewhat outdated) Openbound post (x), but a shorter version would be...

1. Okay, you know how Gamzee says explanations will steal the magic from his miracles? Or how Caliborn characterizes text as a wall that bars his access to meaning? Or how Jade fantasizes about shedding language and accessing the olfactory bouquet available to wolves? We’re kind of getting at that general sentiment. One metaphorical angle on Lord ENGLISH destroying reality is that LANGUAGE itself is (characterized as) an obstacle to “authentic” experience (and the “authentic” self would otherwise feel it), trapping its speakers in a web of abstractions, with no way to reach the real -- or more insidiously, the lack of access means language has killed reality (and you). This is one reason why Jaspers gets killed by a book -- its a metaphor for the introduction of a prelingual self to language, a violent encounter whereby language devours you and entraps you in its abstract confines. (Which is why when Jaspers’ death is foreshadowed in Act 1, Sassacre’s “daunting text” rips John’s arms off and encases them in a hard-to-access sylladex)

Babies and animals are both romanticized as beings free of language, which I think is why you often see characters’ ideal selves combined with animals -- there’s a sense of having regained access to some primordial joy. (You are the eggshell within which this inner-child-self is encased, so the “birth” of the entombed spirit entails the “death” of one’s current self. Like in Fiduspawn)

2. On a more literal level, I’ve believed for a long time that Mom gave Jaspers an ostentatious burial in order to mourn a child of hers that was stillborn prior to Rose’s arrival, and that her efforts to perfect ectobiology were in part motivated by a desire to reclaim this child. The reading is kind of a patchwork. Jaspers is entombed in a child coffin, Rose calls Jaspers’ speaking style child-like... by themselves, those aren’t much. But insofar as buckets function as a womb symbol, Rose observing that Mom’s bucket is inexplicably empty becomes allegory for infertility. And insofar as the chessboard in Mom’s lab is yet another such symbol, it becomes curious that a dead Jaspers is “born” from it prior to Rose. With those incidents in mind, seeing a panel in which Roxy appears to be tossing a dead cat out a bucket (page 5087) becomes pretty jarring, even if that’s not what’s literally occurring.

Hiveswap seemed to reward this perspective, if obliquely: when Joey tries to combine batteries with the refrigerator, the player receives an anecdote of Roxy, empty liquor bottle in hand, cryptically lamenting that putting a dead battery in the fridge will not recharge it. In another universe, Her Imperious Condescension loses a battery (RIP Ψiioniic) and proceeds to repeatedly attempt to revive her lost people. Suffice it to say (because I don’t want to spend several paragraphs qualifying this with more womb symbols) that this outline of Condy’s story resembles my proposed motivation for Mom’s ectobiology: the restoration of lost children. (Which, in a certain sense, is what all the characters chasing after their crushed child-selves are also doing.) Anyway, the battery flavor-text seems to be a reference to this motif.

The art Dirk draws of Jake eating his and Roxy’s baby (and the confirmation in the credits that the doodled baby truly resembles a JakeRoxy alchemical fusion) offers the suggestion that Mom’s lost boy was fathered by her mentor at Skaianet, Grandpa Harley -- and perhaps eaten by him. Fucked up if true. But insofar as Jake (English!) might himself be considered a face of the big bad, part one of this post becomes helpful here: the JakeRoxy baby being devoured becomes a repetition of Jaspers being Sassacrushed. Another mythic account of the child-self being swallowed by language... at least that’s where I tend to situate myself now. I can never fully abandon the possibility that Grandpa literally ate dead babies, needlessly grotesque as it is, but I’ve had much more success substantiating the metaphorical dimension of Lord English eating ghost kids via the language stuff... But then I notice that Roxy is looking at the baby-eating picture maybe 5 pages before she (appears to) throw the dead cat out of the bucket and I feel on edge again.

I’m not sure where reality stops and metaphor begins here, so this is a region of the story that really tends to activate my paranoia. Sorry for that. I presume that unraveling this will require reorienting myself around a more abstract notion of reproduction for which the drama is allegory, but the task is presently beyond me

[sapphirelycoris]

𝐿𝑜𝑠𝑡 𝐿𝑒𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑠

A/N: After posting “Now That You’re Gone” part 1 and 2, I came up with the idea of letters. This does take place during part 2. It has the same ending I just cut out some of the video parts and made it a lot shorter so you don’t have to re-read the whole thing. 

This is the last “Now that you’re gone” post, I swear!

I suggest listening to “Almost is Never Enough (slowed)” originally by Ariana Grande and Nathan Skyes

Synopsis: Ushijima x fem!reader (she, her)

I made the MC write a few letters to Ushijima, only three though. One for her second and third year of high school and then one as she’s dying. I regret not having these letters in the original version but here are the last few notes to Ushijima.

Warnings: Mention of death and overall sadness. I hated putting him through this much pain and it hurt to write.

Three unopened letters sat on his table. He hadn't been strong enough to even consider opening them but maybe, because of how was currently feeling, they would make him in a better mood. Ushijima carried the envelopes over to his coffee table and returned to his original position, his head lying on the arm rest. 

She had written him a handful of letters all throughout high school and even while lying in a hospital bed, she continued to put her feelings down on paper. She asked her parents to give them to him when she died, at least if she was dead, he couldn't reject her. 

Dear Wakatoshi,

You're probably never going to receive this because I wrote these when I was bored. This is our second year of high school so maybe before we graduate, you or I will confess to one another. I am so going to burn this later. Maybe not. I can be like the girl in that one book who has multiple crushes throughout her life. I can't remember the name. Now I'm just writing down my internal thoughts. Sorry. 

Love, (Name)

Seeing that this was written in high school, he didn't get his hopes up. Her affections probably changed as she grew older. He sighed heavily, laying down the piece of paper.

Dear Wakatoshi,

It's our last year of high school! On to college and responsibilities. Joy... taxes, marriage, all that good stuff. I don’t even know how to do taxes. Anyways, I’ve always loved watching your volleyball games. I can’t wait to go see you when you’re on a professional team, you can’t forget me. I stuck right by your side for a while so you got to mention my name at least once! I’m kind of running out of ideas for this… I promised myself last year that I’d write another one this year. 

Love, (Name)

Ushijima bit the inside of his lip. He hesitated to read the last letter, it was probably filled with powerful words that described their relationship. His body froze, he was trying to process everything that she had written. Not yet. He wasn't ready for it. 

The man stared at the picture he took with her at the beach with some friends. It had been a long time since he even dared to look at it. Her smile only made the pain in his chest grow deeper. He slowly reached out for his phone with a shaky hand. Number by number, he dialed her number and pressed it against his ear as the ringer went off. Ushijima knew that she wasn't picking up, but still had hope that it wouldn't go to voicemail.

"Hey, I'm currently unavailable right now, please leave a message!" Her voice was the only thing that he wanted to hear. That sweet sound that he took for granted. Even though his eyes watered, there wasn't enough for tears. Before the beep, he hung up and switched to his photo library. He desperately scrolled up, trying to find videos with her in them.

When the videos ran out, he gave in and ripped open her last letter. Instead of just one piece of paper, it was two. Ushijima noticed that her letters or written papers were a lot more poetic than the words she spoke. She used all of her vocabulary and wrote down extremely graceful lines. More so in college when she had papers to write. This was caused by all of the high reading level books she read as a child.

Dear Wakatoshi,

Lying here in a hospital bed isn't my ideal way of spending my last days. I'd much rather go to a beautiful place like the mountains, the beach, or the woods. Preferably, you'd accompany me but your volleyball schedule is so busy. Can you imagine? Watching the sun glisten on the waves during a beautiful sunset would've been the perfect way to go. Or perhaps, sitting by a blazing fire place at night and listening to the sound of nature. That'd be so romantic. I always thought romance movies were cheesy but I guess that's because they would never become a reality for me. I hope you never find this, I want you to move on with life. Not forget about me of course but I'd rather not have you be so focused on the past that you can't concentrate on the present. Whomever you should marry, I know that they'll be good to you. She'll go to all your games, support you through hard times, listen to your concerns, do all the things I wish I could have done. 

If I walked down the aisle, would you have cried? If we had children, what would you and I have named them? I love the idea of a name that has something to do with flowers. I remember the first time you ever brought me flowers. Satori gave you the idea, didn't he? They were lovely while they lasted. When the petals started dying, I got sad. I hated having to throw them away but it's the thought that counts. Even though it was just a few of our friends and us on my birthday that year,  it was a lovely dinner. You looked so handsome in a suit! Would you have worn a suit if we got married? I would have opted for a smaller wedding, surrounded by close friends and family. To take your last name would have been a dream come true. 

Speaking of which, in the event that you do marry someone else, remember the promise you made to me? I was going to at least be the godmother of your kids. You better raise them to be good little children. They should be respectful to their parents and not be lazy. If you're up to it, maybe name one of them after me. Though I don't know how appreciative your wife would be. Be good to her, okay? I know you're a quiet person but try to understand her feelings. Don't let her walk all over you either! If she does, I'll come back from the grave to haunt her. Hopefully you have the good sense to marry someone good. Though, you are the same person who thought that the world was flat. I really hope that you don't think that anymore.

Remember that? You and I were in the library and we somehow started talking about that. Even though I used all the logic I could, I'm not sure you were convinced. You're like talking to a brick wall sometimes. I bet your mind revolves around volleyball 24/7, doesn't it? I wish I could've seen you play in the Olympics! I want you to have excellent rapport with your teammates. If you want to win, you gotta be on the same page.   

During our last year in high school, I was planning to ask you out but then I realized, I'd only weigh you down. You're like a mighty eagle too wild to tame. If I kept you in a cage, you'd get restless and fly away sooner or later. I never wanted to risk the chance of losing you. You are far too precious for me to ruin. To tell you how I felt now would be too cruel. You're one in a million and nothing in this life or any other would make me give you up. You are priceless, worth more than any diamond or gem on this Earth. Don't ever forget that either. I guess it's because you don't do this often but when you smile and let kindness show through your eyes, everything seems alright. In that moment, the world is okay. Time stops and I am solely focused on you.

Something I don't have right now is time. But if I could rewind the clock, with the knowledge I know now, I would never have waited. I would have told you how much you meant to me everyday. I would have woken up next to you every morning. Ushijima, I love you. I truly do. No one else has my heart but you. You've always been the person I love, even in death my heart is yours. 

Yours truly, (Name)

Ushijima's mouth formed a bitter smile, happy yet sorrowful. Tears rolled down the side of his face from the corners of his squinted eyes. He cupped his hand over his mouth to muffle the sounds of his sporadic breathing pattern. He violently hit the back of his head on the arm of the couch repeatedly.

His smile faltered with each gasp for air. The constricting feeling in his throat sent a numbing effect throughout his entire body. All of his emotions were confusing him, thoughts contradicted one another, and the room seemed to be spinning. Part of him wanted to calm down and regain his composure, but he also wanted to let everything out.

He just had to cave in and dig up old memories, didn't he?

[voyd-is-in-a-portal]

How to End Up Being an Inventor (In 5 Actions).

We consulted with numerous expert inventors to boil down the tricks of the craft. Some have made jobs out of an invention, others have found markets. If you're sitting on an idea that might be the next terrific American invention, below's your playbook.

1. Cultivate an Idea.

The record of the invention is studded with one-hit marvels, inventors whose solitary blockbuster suggestion made them a fortune. However one of the most prolific inventors can not switch off the idea maker. They are also troubled as well as creative. Inventors just see life's many obstacles in a different way than the average person, according to medical-devices inventor Robert Fischell. "The key to inventing is the awareness that a problem is a trigger from which an invention can be created," says Fischell, who holds more than 200 patents for advancements such as an implantable heart defibrillator and also enhanced stents. "When I'm in the operating room as well as a doctor tosses a device against the wall in irritation, I claim, 'Great, here's an opportunity.'".

Fischell, who at the elevation of his profession filed a new patent application every six weeks, wastes no time in determining whether his most recent concept satisfies the patent test of being brand-new, beneficial, and also nonobvious. He goes right to the U.S. Patent as well as Hallmark Workplace's database of released patents (patft.uspto.gov) and performs a search. "If you review a patent, as well as someone, has currently resolved the issue, after that you're still an inventor. You just arrived late," he says.

If, after an initial search, your idea verifies unique, after that continue developing it. Be reasonable concerning what you're obtaining right into. "The moment you commit will be dual what you believe it will be, as well as the buck amounts you devote will be 4 times what you assumed," Leatherman states.

Make drafts, execute examinations, expand principles, and keep comprehensive notes. Patent lawyers suggest their customers preserve a visit a completely bound notebook that obtains stamped by a notary public frequently. A logbook becomes essential in cases before the U.S. Patent and also Trademark Workplace including similar technologies, as the burden of proof is up to patent applicants to demonstrate that they were the initial to conceive of an invention.

At this onset in the video game, your investment of personal time and money will have been minor compared with what is around the bend. Before the case, you'll need to ask some hard questions about both your concept as well as on your own: Is my idea significantly different than any that precede it? Exists a large market for the product? Can it be developed and made at a reasonable expense? That is the client, and why should they get my product as well as not a competitor's? Am I prepared to devote myself fully to making this concept do well?

Inventors who have been via the process care not to undervalue the psychological and mental determination called for. "If you can't afford mentally and intellectually to fail if your vanity would certainly be wiped out after that don't do it.". see also InventHelp TV Commercial

2. Develop a Model.

With the schedule of powerful computing and computer-assisted layout software application like Autodesk Inventor as well as SolidWorks 3D CAD, inventors today live in what Kamen describes as "the utmost sweet-shop." The earliest versions of Kamen's first invention, a wearable mixture pump that provides specific dosages of medicines such as insulin, sprang to life out a computer system display yet in a workshop set up in the basement of his parents' home on Long Island, N.Y. Kamen was a teenager at the time.

Also when made in a highly exact digital CAD atmosphere, an item ultimately has to leap to the genuine globe in the kind of a model. Depending on the materials entailed and the complexity of an invention, the expense of making a high-quality prototype can empty a financial institution account as well as compel an inventor to look for financing at an extremely early stage.

Tim Leatherman supports taking a DIY technique. During an experimental phase lasting three years, he constructed prototypes of his groundbreaking multitool from cardboard, wood, as well as steel till he picked advanced layout. "By collaborating with my hands," he says, "I found out about barriers to performance as well as manufacturability.".

When you have your prototype, it's time to repair your invention. Obtain outside your head and go-to experts in the field, Fischell suggests. "Ask, 'Do you believe my suggestion has business benefit? Would certainly you utilize it?' Make them authorize a privacy arrangement," he says. For inventors, the possibility of copyright burglary is very actual, but way too much caution can become immobilizing. Privacy, or nondisclosure, the contract permits you to field-test in confidence.

Responses from Mario Salazar's target audience-- woodworkers-- compelled the Colorado Springs inventor to adjust his digital miter gauge. The mechanical prototype he constructed in the cellar with a blowpipe, an oscilloscope, and also a milling maker noticed eBay worked efficiently as well as felt ideal to Salazar, yet the tradespersons wanted it bigger as well as much more inexpensive. "You can't fall for your invention," he states. "Obtain responses and also make alterations accordingly.".

In the agitated company world, a patent protects the inventor by providing the unique right to leave out others from making, making use of, or offering his invention for 20 years. "When other people see you making cash, your patent will be the only methods you have for keeping control of the market," claims Lonnie Johnson, founder of Johnson ElectroMechanical types of equipment as well as the inventor of the Super Soaker water weapon. Follow inventhelp for more advice:

https://www.linkedin.com/company/inventhelp

https://twitter.com/inventhelp

3. Submit a Patent.

Patent law is made complex things, so get an experienced patent lawyer to write and also file your patent application. Anticipate to pay in between $3000 as well as $10,000. "Work with a patent lawyer who additionally has a level in the field you're making an application for a patent in and who understands your market," Salazar encourages.

A knowledgeable lawyer can prepare a wide patent that safeguards an invention against violation from any angle. In the case of Richard Phillips, proprietor of International Survival, his well-crafted patent application made it impossible for anybody to replicate the slim, shock-absorbing material he developed for his protective paintball vest. "My legal representative spread out the patent out thus far over and below my laminated foam product's residential properties that a competitor's vest would certainly have to be so hefty the wearer couldn't walk approximately light that the vest falls apart when struck," Phillips states.

On standard, patent authorization takes 3 years and may call for going back as well as forth several times with patent examiners. From the moment a patent application arrives at the USPTO up until it is either provided or abandoned, an invention is covered by patent-pending standing. In the situation of John Marsden, that created Pour 'N Shop, a bartending system of plastic containers, and also put spouts for beverage mixers, a pending patent amounted to a suit of paper armor.

According to Salazar, any kind of inventor has to be all set to do battle. "I'll have my attorney send out a cease-and-desist letter if somebody infringes on my patent. As well as in the end, a patent is just as great as the thickness of your pocketbook.".

4. Examine the Market.

When the patent application is in total, the inventor needs to change from developing a suggestion of developing a service. Rare is the innovative brilliant behind an invention that likewise has business chops-- or the interest-- to look after the manufacture, advertising, and also selling of his production. Even the brightest innovative minds can drop victim to the countless rip-offs and also doubtful invention-promotion companies whose advertisements clutter the Internet. Many expert inventors urge care with any kind of attire that requests for cash upfront to shop your suggestions about.

Tim Leatherman built up important know-how in business and also production by joining with Steve Berliner. John Marsden, the Pour 'N Store designer, partnered early on with service school grad Ed Harrigan. "If I had not had Ed, I probably would not have made it," he says.

Marketing research studies-- perform your own or appoint a market research company-- will certainly provide you data concerning market patterns and customer demographics. There is no substitute, nevertheless, for putting your invention in front of potential consumers as well as manufacturers, providers, and distributors to get a sense of its market value. For the inventor, this is an anxious time.

Salazar is a big believer in showing your items at trade shows. "You'll figure out who is doing what, whether you'll be able to contend and if somebody wants to get what you have," he claims. "However you're additionally dropping your cabinets and every person will see what you've obtained. Your item had better be 95 percent complete. Be ready to answer concerns: Just how huge is the market? That's mosting likely to buy it?".

5. Sell It or Make It.

Inventors make cash in two means: collecting aristocracies by certifying the right to produce their invention or production, distributing, and marketing the invention themselves. Louis J. Foreman, owner, and also the primary executive of Enventys, an item style as well as a design firm in Charlotte, N.C., and writer of The Independent Inventor's Handbook, has personally encountered that problem several times as the holder of 10 licenses as well as has encouraged many inventors as a lead court on the PBS program Everyday Edisons.

Then it's time to ask yourself one more round of questions: First, exists enough upside potential to merit the threat of bringing the item to market on your own? "Consider opportunity costs also," Foreman says. "If you have to quit a job that pays $100,000, can you make enough to counter that?" Second, do you have the financial resources to pull it off? If you don't, then where is the money most likely to originate from? And lastly, do you have the competence to run an organization? "It's one point to come up with a remarkable item, however, are you comfy marketing it, can you distribute it, restore it as well as satisfy orders if Walmart offers you a 5-million-piece purchase order?" Supervisor claims.

No question licensing is the less complicated path to getting an invention to market. It requires less dedication of time as well as up-front resources and frees inventors to do what they do best: invent. However, expedience comes with an expense. Royalty prices on patents-- created on the list price, production run, as well as various other variables-- average less than 2 to 7 percent of retail sales. Still, for a first-time inventor brief on funds and also know-how, a licensing contract can be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

[undignifiend]

Theme Ramblings - On Evil, Honesty, Violence, and Better Ways to Rule Number Two (Local Windbag Spends All Night Pontificating Again)

I really like Trollhunters and Tales of Arcadia. I feel like it addresses important themes that I also want to address in my own writing, and I feel like that is part of what makes it an awesome world and story to explore, through the original stories, and through fanfiction. I find exploring ideas within an already established world is very helpful and therapeutic. So here are my current thoughts on some of those themes, which have also been informed by various other stories. Narrative is one of the ways through which we process the world. And one of my goals is to learn how to do that with clarity, practicality, and compassion. So here’s a bit of what I think I’ve learned so far.

Warnings: Talking about violence, with pain and trauma. Stay safe. Also, spoilers for Tales of Arcadia - Wizards, and for the film You Were Never Really Here.

+++++

‘Evil’ is not a word that holds a lot of weight with me, at least not the way I feel it’s commonly used, especially in stories. Some bully without any redeeming qualities beating someone up for a power trip is a common motif, but I don’t find it a compelling or useful model of how or why some people act shitty, or how to possibly fix it nonviolently. As something of a determinist, I don’t believe our decisions just pop out of a vacuum - rather, that they are informed by our experiences, which we react to in healthy or unhealthy ways depending on what we think we understand and what we want to protect.

Or at least I think that’s a nice idea, but I don’t know how practical it actually is. For instance, maybe there are actual people who are just idiots, cowards, or cruel and nothing more, and interacting with them in a good-faith manner is an entirely hopeless waste of our limited time - especially when those mofos are actively threatening people. “They’re complex people, too!” seems kind of irrelevant when they’re calling for killing those who disagree with them, for example.

Maybe I’m having trouble with this idea because I haven’t actually recognized such mind-numbing simplistic malice in anyone directly involved in my life. I’m starting to think I might be spoiled that way.

I also want to emphasize that I’m not even remotely claiming “Everyone is right in their own ways”. Some mofos out there are objectively incorrect. I’m currently convinced that we all think we’re right, but not that we all are. Or that even when we realize we’re wronging someone, we tend to spin narratives that twist the situation to make ourselves look better, or even like we’re “The Real Victims! D:” to justify and excuse something we may otherwise deem tragic.

What horrifies me (what I’ve witnessed) is when harm is done by people who think they’re doing the right thing, or that they’re justified, or that it’s normal. People who otherwise have potential to do good, making a selfish call out of fear, anger, apathy, a misplaced sense of righteousness, or even just a desperate and ill-advised attempt to feel seen or important. The ‘evil’ that scares me most is a loss of perspective that leads to (and justifies or excuses) tragedy. That loss of perspective, I also think, is a key part of what makes propaganda possible. Calling someone ‘evil’ is often intended to deface them and simplify them into a problem or obstacle to be rid of - no longer a complex individual, but a symbol of all that is wrong with the world - a bully or ‘monster’ without redeeming qualities. (Often represented as something “subhuman” that we supposedly don’t have to feel bad about killing.) An external threat to vanquish in favor of facing whatever horrible truth we’re running from, or what conditions led to people acting in these harmful, tragic ways. (And if we can understand those conditions, perhaps we can guard against them and hopefully even save some lives and change them for the better?) I think calling someone ‘evil’ is not only impractical (and useless when it comes to diagnosing why someone is behaving a certain way, or how to effectively either help them grow up or maybe at least help prevent them from causing more harm), I think it opens the door for otherwise good people to do horrific things, all the while avoiding the root of the problem, and calling themselves justified and heroic.

That’s part of why I’m so excited about Wizards. (Finally got to ToA!) I appreciated Arthur as an example of what’s familiar to me, and the kinds of thinking I want us to learn to recognize and avoid. His grief was relatable - we’ve all lost someone, and we all have people we want to protect. But it’s monumentally important that we don’t commit Arthur’s tragedy, and take our pain out on others. And it’s also important that we don’t dismiss the pain that others are struggling to cope with, as Arthur dismissed Morgana’s and the trolls’ when he called them evil. And part of why I genuinely like Arthur as a character (not just an antagonist) was that he came around and admitted that he was wrong, and wanted to repair the damage he did.

At least until his Green Knight chapter, the motivations of which I’m still unsure of. I’m not the sharpest crayon in the shed, but it seemed like a non sequitur to me... after a certain point. If you have some insight into what’s going on with him, I’m all ears. I’m a little worried I might just be projecting my issues again.

So far, here’s what I think I can glean: I relate to the lines “How can I be at peace when the world is still broken?” and “He awoke to a legacy of a violent and awful world.” I don’t want to get into the specifics of my own experiences, but I understand the horror of “waking up” to a horrifying reality, and the motivation to try to change it somehow. The all-consuming restlessness of it, and the inability to escape or reconcile it, and the constant, never-ending tension that slowly rips you apart and isolates you from everyone and poisons your faith in humanity because you’ve looked into the abyss so long you now recognize that it’s where you’ve lived all along. Because no matter what kind of new equilibrium you scramble for, the truth remains that terrible, unnecessary harm is being done, and will continue to be done (and justified and excused and even laughed at) by otherwise good people until we all die out - and that will be our legacy even as we continue to squawk empty platitudes about how intelligent and compassionate and special we are, and nothing makes any of that okay.

In my worst, most melodramatic moments, I even understand the ‘Let it all burn, if it can’t be saved’ mentality. But I don’t have a lot of patience for defeatism, so it’s not a mentality I can take seriously for long at all, and that’s where my understanding (if I may be so pretentious?) of the Green Knight stops. Because I know there are many others who have seen what I’ve seen and feel the same way I do, and believe that a better way is possible, however distant, and who have done loads more than I have to change it. And (perhaps more importantly) I know that even those who perpetuate some of the same harms I want to stop, and even crack jokes about it, are still good people who mean well, and have their own pains to cope with.

What I want is for us (and our heroes) to recognize when we are being dishonest or unfair, and to call ourselves out, even when it’s inconvenient (or when it feels impossible, like when we’re scared, angry, or hurt). I love and admire people who can face their feelings and uncertainties honestly, and I want to be like them, because I believe that’s the most important, constructive kind of courage there is, it’s part of growing into a stronger, kinder person, and this stupid world needs a lot more of that in it.

And I think the whole topic of Evil is connected to our fascination with violence, and those who are skilled at it. (Though I’m not here to say ‘Violence Bad’. I know it’s not that simple.) In some situations, no other method has a chance of saving you or those you want to protect, and if you find yourself in such a situation, it pays to be good at violence, and to have friends who are, too. The stakes are high, so it makes for great drama, and is prevalent in stories all over the world. This also makes it a rather dramatic delivery system for Justice - or the Retributive version, anyway. Retribution is visceral, and easily understood, and speaks to our instincts of promoting and preserving status (teaching others not to screw us over or They’ll Pay), and discouraging harmful behaviors by harming the perpetrators...

I consider myself a rehabilitationist. But I understand the draw of retribution. I really do. The vast majority of my intrusive thoughts revolve around it, in particularly violent manners. It’s not fun, and it doesn’t feel powerful, and it feels weird to me to see stories that portray it as powerful, rather than as a failure or a loss. I understand the emotional desire to punish someone who has hurt an innocent. But I also understand it to a degree that transcends its original feelings of righteousness, takes itself to eyebrow-raising extremes, and makes me sick. Retribution has been glorified all throughout our history, and it scratches a primal itch, and yes, sometimes it may be the only available answer in order to prevent further harm. (Rehabilitation requires far more resources than Retribution, often making it impractical or overly risky in contexts of scarcity. I think that’s a huge factor in why ideals like Law, Justice, and Decency break down in a lot of Post-Apocalyptic story environments. It’s not just that our sense of Order has collapsed, it’s that we no longer have the infrastructure to support the ideals that Order was established to protect - though I would Not say that our current “justice” system in the US is rehabilitative or even ethical, but that’s a whole other rant.) But beyond that, I don’t believe Retribution is practical or productive. I believe it’s tragically ironic, loses sight of context and systemic issues, lends false-credence to the idea that people are the way they are due to innate, immutable qualities rather than taking their environment and experiences into account, and as a result, opens the door for good people to, again, do and justify horrific things.

It’s a hard, brutal film to watch, but I recommend You Were Never Really Here. The violence in this film feels far more real than the violence I’ve seen in any other because they don’t dress it up, or make it flashy. It’s more like something you’d see in a hidden-camera documentary. And their honest treatment of it was a visceral reminder of what violence actually is.

It puts a gut-wrenching twist on the ‘revenge fantasy’ and what it actually means to watch someone suffer and die. Even someone who had it coming. There’s a painful empathy to this film in its treatment of the characters and all the rituals (harmful or not) they use to cope with the violence they in turn have suffered. And the climax of the film centers on the awful realization that, despite his efforts, the protagonist was unable to protect someone from violence, or having to inflict violence of her own - like him, she’s marked by it now, too. She absolutely did it in self-defense, but the fact that she had to do it is still tragic. She has to live and cope with it now, as he does. And in the final scene, there’s this hellish sense of separation between them as they are, and the comparatively bright, happy lives they might have lived if they had not had to go through such horrific experiences. It’s unstated, but there’s this intense feeling that they’re haunted. Like they can be near that bright, happy life, but never cross the veil to reach it, themselves. The film ends with the girl deciding to try and find some happiness anyway. (“It’s a beautiful day.”) It’s not a happy ending, but it’s a hopeful one. It’s not a Good Triumphs Over Evil story. It’s a painful confrontation with an awful reality, and the struggle to find a way to carry on somehow.

And that resonates. Because we all know to some degree or other what it’s like to confront something awful, something we can’t just deny or forget or reconcile, and to try to find some way to cope with it. That tension can be so painful that it’s understandable (but still not excusable) why people sometimes try to pin it all on a scapegoat - so they can take something insurmountable, and turn it into something they can fight and triumph over. It’s a form of processing our grief, but it’s unfair, dishonest, and harmful, and inflicts more grief on others.

Anyway, in this fanfic I’ve been puttering around on (and trying to explore these themes through), Jim tries to solve things non-violently (as he often tried to do in the show, which I really like). Someday/night, he might not have the option, or can’t see any other way out. He knows that he (or someone else) is being seen as an outlet for someone’s frustrations - they’re using him as a symbol to project their own problems and issues on - something external they can beat up and triumph over in place of something intangible.

If he’s going to fight this outlook, I think he has to understand it - on more than a theoretical level. He has to go there himself. Maybe he punches Steve after all. (Maybe in the 2nd draft - or maybe later in the current iteration.) And he hates it. He’s changed forever, but not the way he expected to be. He feels capable, and righteous, and he doesn’t regret standing up for Eli or himself, but he doesn’t feel good. Because even if it’s easier to just dismiss Steve as a bully, and even if it occurs to Jim to do that - and even if he can feel it viscerally for a moment, Jim isn’t going to lie to himself. He can still see what Steve is, past his own anger. Steve is lashing out because he feels wronged and powerless, and he’s acting like his dad because that’s who made him feel that way, and that’s who showed him how to deal with those same feelings. Steve is a kid trying to process what he’s been through. It’s easy to forget that when Steve is trying to beat Jim down - when Draal has been trying to beat him down, too - and he’s had enough of all these angry people twisting their ideas of him in their heads and taking their anger out on him. He fought back because he couldn’t see any other option for handling it, and Steve was not willing to give him one. But from this, Jim knows how it feels to be demonized (seen as a manifestation of someone’s problems, some enemy to vanquish). And it becomes monumentally important to him never to succumb to that way of thinking, himself.

He’s not a crusader. If he has to fight and hurt or kill someone, it’s not because he thinks they’re a manifestation of evil. It’s because he does not see any recourse in stopping them from hurting or killing others. To him, violence is a tragedy meant to prevent another tragedy. And whether that justifies it or not is a question he will have to carry.

A lot of the combat we see in media, I would classify as “action”, and not violence. The vast majority of the time, it’s a choreographed dance that’s fun to watch, full of cool stunts that look like they’d be fun to do. It’s more like competitive eye-candy than anything else.

It’s fun, and I like the idea of writing that, but only in the context of sparring, or play. I don’t even want to call those “fights” or make a distinction between those and a “real fight”, because fighting is violence, and I hope to write about violence as honestly as I can. That’s part of what I like and admire about a lot of Guillermo del Toro’s other works, too. It’s not a dance, and it’s not glorious*. It’s ugly, terrifying, and it hurts to watch, and it makes us worry for his characters all the more, because it forces us to acknowledge how vulnerable they really are.

*Or, glory as it’s often treated, I think. If there really is any glory to be had in real violence, I think it’s in the willingness to act in a crisis to protect others. Terror is notoriously paralyzing, so this is where the value of training comes in - as a kind of autopilot mode to fall back on, and suppress our panic in the moment. The emotional fallout and trembling will come after the crisis has passed, but in an emergency, not knowing what to do, and feeling helpless, can be one of the most devastating weapons against us.

Sparring and training can be a fun and exhilarating test of skill, where no one intends to maim or kill you. It’s completely different from fighting. In a fight, the goal is not to learn or grow or compete, the goal is to either kill someone, or hurt them so badly that they can’t try to hurt you (or anyone else) anymore (or enough to give you time to get away). It’s very stressful and often traumatizing. One wrong move will have lasting consequences, if you’re lucky enough to survive to put up with them. Even if you win, odds are, you’re going to get hurt - maybe permanently. It’s the visceral understanding that someone has decided to disassemble you, and the only way to stop them is to disassemble them first. It’s an ugly reminder of the components of our bodies, and how fragile they really are.

“There are better ways to finish a fight than punching someone in the face.”

I agree with this - there are better methods of conflict resolution, and we must use them. And I really like how Jim carried this forward in sparing Chompsky and Draal. But I also felt like Claire fundamentally failed to understand what she had witnessed (and maybe I’m the one who misunderstood). I just didn’t appreciate what I felt was a lecture from someone who didn’t get it. Not that I’d wish for her to get it - it’s a horrible position to be in. When someone is actively trying to hurt you, it’s hard as hell to remember those better ways, and there’s no guarantee that they would work - at this point, you have to get the attacker to stop quickly. Steve resisted all other attempts to defuse the situation, and I don’t think it’s fair to blame someone for fighting back.

“A hero is not he who is fearless, but he who is not stopped by it.”

But I’m also not going to put down someone who still seeks to defuse a situation, even despite the risks. That’s a huge gamble, and it requires a massive amount of courage and good faith in the other party, and it won’t always pay off. But when it works, I believe it can open up possibilities that might not otherwise exist, because to demonstrate good faith in someone is to demonstrate that you are Not The Enemy. I think Douxie demonstrated this marvelously with the Lady of the Lake in Wizards. He gave up the most powerful weapon he had - or what was left of it - to free Nimue rather than fight her when it looked like she was about to End everybody. Once he realized the truth of her situation, he took action to alleviate it - because he wasn’t going to beat up a prisoner, and he did not consider her imprisonment acceptable in the first place.

Jim is not a pacifist, in Trollhunters canon, or in the AU idea I’ve been messing with. He will fight to stop others from killing, and he might end up having to kill in the process if all other attempts fail. But (at least in this AU thing) he will see it as a tragic failure to bridge a gap. He refuses to succumb to the way of thinking that presents his opponents as evil, even if that would make it simpler for him to process their horrific actions. They’re living, complex beings, not symbols of everything wrong with the world. And often, the reason they’re trying to hurt others to begin with is because they have succumbed to that “seeing their opponents as evil” way of thinking, themselves. As Jim sees it in Building Bridges, that Lie is everyone’s greatest enemy. It’s part of what allows otherwise good people (like Arthur and Morgana) to do, justify, and condone horrific things.

He will fight if he must, but he will do his best to reach others first, to show them the truth, and try to find a way to effectively address whatever underlying pain is causing them to lash out. If Maria Edgeworth has a point about how “The human heart opens only to the heart that opens in return,” Jim will transcend “human” by taking the risk of opening his heart first (whether or not he also becomes a half-troll in this AU idea). I currently think that’s the most profound way to prove that “evil” view wrong.

This is not to say that he will do so incautiously. Jim takes his role as a protector seriously, and he will do what he must in service to that. But he sees potential in others, and values it. He’s not a saint, but he strives to be understanding and compassionate. And that’s damn hard work. It takes effort to be good, and to see the good in others, especially when you’re hurting.

[clownishpossum]

Answer the questions, then tag other people.

I was tagged by @lux-rae, thanks Sky!! c:

You can call me: Aja. Or Capra. Or Cap. Honestly, call me just about anything and it’ll make me soft. 

I’d describe myself as: I mean kinda a mess. But a mess who cares a lot? Who laughs a lot at stupid stuff and can’t take anything seriously, gets way too obsessed with stuff, and has a tendency to cry about friendship…?

Fictional characters that I identify with or am fond of: Izuku from bnha, N from pokemon. Kvothe from kkc. Alibaba from magi. Usopp from one piece. ///BarryLupMagnusAngusTaakoKravitz adventurezone because I can’t pick just one in the obsessive flurry I’m currently caught in

Three random facts about me:

1: My first word was doggie

2: I was reprimanded by my RA for having too many posters on my dorm wall but I have no plans to take any of them down. I also have a stinky pumpkin on my desk that I probably shouldn’t. 

3: Less of a fact and more of a brag but. I’ve taken three science tests since the beginning of college and I got 100% or higher on all three *finger guns*

Something little about my appearance that I kind of like: A lot of times my hair dries shitily but when it dries nice and it’s all soft and curly and fluffy? Or when it’s freshly cut or dyed? 10/10

An outfit that makes me feel powerful: I mean I’ve been feeling crop tops, heart shaped sunglasses, and hawaiian shirts recently. The most official ~outfit~ I can think of right now that makes me feel powerful is a white crop top, a black jacket with a rainbow across it, black ripped jeans, and my rainbow holographic doc martens. Which I realize makes me sound like kinda a ridiculous person. Like, that’s the type of wacky fake outfit you’d hear described in a wattpad fanfiction. But uhh. Here we are. 

An object that is special to me: I have a minccino plush that I treasure in particular because I got it during a rough time it’s very comforting to me. 

A compliment that made me feel warm inside: Lots of people have been telling me lately that I seem like I’ve gotten more calm and confident since coming to college, and that makes me 👀👀

Something I love about myself: Uhhhh lol. I know lots of scientific animal names...? does that qualify sjhjsdhs

Something I’d love to buy someone else: If I could I’d buy my friend who moved to away plane tickets so she could visit all her friends here. We all miss her. Also I’d love if I could buy me n my former emo friends tickets to the fall out boy green day weezer tour bc hot damn what a group of bands. 

Something I’d love to buy for myself: I’d love to get a portable blu-ray player, or just like. A tv and blu-ray player. So I could actually watch the movies I brought to college with me. 

Three things that make me really happy:

1: Looking at my TAZ graphic novels always makes me really happy...

2: Talkative affectionate cats

3: The feeling of being around friends you know and trust implicitly and can just completely goof off and release your inner dumbass around

Something I enjoyed recently: Yesterday my roommate and I went to the gym then got boba and went back to our dorm and watched star wars. And honestly? Ideal night. 

Songs stuck in my head recently: My head’s been rotating between This December by Ricky Montgomery, Good as Hell by Lizzo, and Gone for Good by The Shins. 

Something adorable I came across recently: The other day I was walking home from the bus stop and shuffling through the leaves and kicking them around and stuff, as I tend to do. And this group of girls heard me and turned around to look at me. And I had a moment of, “oh god. They’re gonna hit me with a condescending look.” But then they started shuffling through the leaves too and making piles and laughing and having fun and it was really wholesome,,,, 

If you wanted to know me better you should check out these things: Geez I feel like this is kinda a big question...? Definitely pokemon mystery dungeon explorers of the sky. probably pokemon black version too. The movies labyrinth and guardians of the galaxy...? Any of the shows/books/podcasts I mentioned characters from earlier. Uhh... Mustelids? Go check out mustelids. Get a good look at some stoats and martens. You’ll feel better.  

Something I can/will do to take care of myself in the coming days: I really want to get back into doing yoga! It’s been difficult because it’s just sorta awkward to do when I’m in a new place and I have a roommate sharing close quarters with me, plus I’ve just been really busy. But I feel like it helps me to relax and focus better... So I wanna start doing it regularly again. 

And I’m gonna tag @help-is-on-the-way @cazstiell @thelonelyabsol@shaggyturtlestudiostotallyradbro @ellixt-m @sunshineandshitpostss 

I know this is very long so I 100% get it if you don’t wanna do it skskjfhsd

But if you do. Cool! And if anyone else wants to do it...? Consider yourself tagged c:

[faeparrish]

answer 21 questions and tag 21 mutuals you would like to get to know better! (thank you @psychicadam for tagging me💘) 

nicknames: molly isn’t a long name so I don't really have any nicknames apart from moll

zodiac sign: sagittarius w/ moon & rising both in libra ♐♎

height: 5′3″ just call me BLUE SARGENT because I am SMALL

hogwarts house: in my heart of hearts I'm a hufflepuff, but I was so desperate to be a gryffindor when I read the books and now I'm too deep in gryffindor merch from birthdays and christmases to back out.

last thing i googled: 'silence of the girls cover artist’ - I recognised sarah young’s art on the cover of the book that I just bought so I was looking it up (you should check out her work - although make sure you type 'sarah young illustration'  bc I just now found out that she in fact shares her name with a porn star lmao😬)

favourite musicians: oh god, so many. jacob collier (aka the most infuriatingly talented musician alive, he's only like 24, he’s won 2 grammies, he got recognition from quincy jones and now they're friends ?? and he’s currently working on a 4 part album of about 40 songs; volume 1 was released around christmas and he’s planning to release the last one by the end of this year... anyway he’s unbelievable and I love him), julia jacklin, glass animals, billie marten, hozier, tom misch, joy crookes, ELIZA, vulfpeck, nick mulvey, hope tala, jade bird, rusty clanton (fun fact, I actually bumped into him after his support set for jade bird and he was SO lovely). also dodie has been a fave of mine since I was like 14 and she probably always will be tbh. girl is just the sun ☀️

song stuck in your head: moontime by hope tala (not complaining tho bc that song is a Gay Bop)

following: 413 (I had to go through recently and unfollow all the old jily/marauders blogs that haven't been active for years rip there are so many)

followers: 489 and ily ALL ♥️

do you get asks: sometimes! I get a few cute lil anons here and there

amount of sleep: I have insomniaaa, like my boy gansey so I only get like 4-6 hours a night. I just always get a sudden boost of chaotic creative energy in the evenings and my brain is like !!! make something !! write something !! draw something !! anything!! do it all !! maybe I should start building a miniature version of my town too lol 

lucky number: hmm my birthday is 13th dec (same day as ts) so I like to think that the number makes an exception from being unlucky for people who are born on the 13th

what you’re wearing: leggings, my fav shorts (they’re so cool, they're like a kind of mossy green tie-dye with some funky black patterns stamped onto them. 10/10 makes me feel like a forest elf) and a yellow crop top vest thing. also a couple of rings and some necklaces that I wear basically every day. also socks that have confetti patterns on them. party socks

dream job: anything creative!! writing, art, music, whatever tbh. in an ideal life I would love to be a musician because the idea of going on a tour with other musician friends just sounds like such a dream to me and I love making music stuff (I actually posted a cover on here if you wanna listen) ALSO lowkey want to open a cafe w/ my sister one day; have events in the evenings, homemade cakes, get our musical friends to do gigs? mayhaps a resident cat??? yes pls

dream trip: I applied for an exchange with my uni to study in norway next year, which would be amazing (and terrifying) if I got accepted !!

instrument: I played the violin (very very badly) for about 2 years, and the oboe (for about a year until my teacher moved away - turns out there aren't a whole lot of oboe teachers out there) and I had piano lessons when I was a kid for about 7 years, but i can't remember how to properly read the music now:( I can still play piano but I mostly just figure out how to play songs by listening to them a lot. I prefer playing guitar and ukulele though, they're the ones that I picked up myself so I feel a lot more committed to them 

languages: english is my only fluent language, bc our education system doesn’t bother to teach languages as well as other countries do (am I bitter about it? absolutely), but I can just about get by in french and spanish, and I've been slowly teaching myself norwegian on duolingo for about 5 months now (honestly bless that app)

favourite songs: again, so many. my current faves: mice by billie marten (her new ep is so crushingly gorgeous), guiltless by dodie (the music video?? the music video????), here comes the sun by jacob collier & dodie (god this cover is endlessly, endlessly beautiful?? the drum and guitar strums at 0.58 just GET👏ME👏GOING👏), she is the sum by poppy ajudha, in your hands by nick mulvey (has some BIG gangsey in trk vibes), moon river by jacob collier (this literally came out the other day and ohhohooo boy !! the harmonies that kick in at 5.19 give me mad goosebumps)

random fact: when I was 16 I had appendicitis and nearly died bc I thought the pains were just rlly bad cramps lmao (is this ?? #toomuch? 😬✨??) ANYWAY now i don't have an appendix BUT I do have three funky lil scars and a rlly big appreciation for the nhs (the uk is shit at most things but free healthcare is truly a godsend)

aesthetic: witchy, kinda feral lol, artsy, anything nature related, anything autumnal?? I love that dark academia, secret history kind of aesthetic but I can’t really pull it off bc my style is a bit too hectic - basically just think blue sargent but softer and probs more gay lmao 🤠👌

I'm tagging @lesbianparrish @adamparrishes & @motorcyclebabeparrish as well lol, also @parrishynch @lvslie @flourishandblotted @cloudpillows @justlarajean @heart-ablaze @tinylilemrys @acquaclara @cbliviate @iuliasabina @heyilan @ofstagsanddoes @nellyinneverland @wtf-jily (a lot of my mutuals aren’t active anymore so it’s hard to see if I've forgotten anyone, but if I have forgotten you I'm sorry !! ily!! you are also tagged 💕✨)

[shiningliive]

hello I saw your idea of streaming utapri's concerts and I'd love it to happen, you said you were uploading them to stream, I've never streamed before so I don't know, upload where? or how does it work? out of curiosity, what quality you have them? I have 6th live in good quality but those are large files, almost 20gb together (part1+part2) plus the backstage thing which is almost 6gb, and in the place I downloaded it from they're even larger. Maybe I could stream with u it instead of uploading?

Hi, currently, the quality I have the lives in are:

1st stage -  720x4802nd stage - 720x4803rd stage - 720 x 576 (w/ eng subs)4th stage - 1280x720 (w/ eng subs)5th stage - 1920x1080 (w/ eng subs)QN live stage - 1920x1080 6th stage - 852x480 (w/ eng subs, a bit out of time)

If I stream on rabb.it, you can control a kind of, mini-browser that everyone can see. Who controls it can be swapped between people in the stream, but in this case I’d be using it and inputing the links to the versions that I have either uploaded to mega or google drive. Thats not a good explanation at all, but I guess youll find out when it happens!

I do NOT want to give out other peoples download links without their permission which is also why i am not uploading directly to any streaming website since thats always a big no-go for things like this. I want to do this in the best way possible without going against the wishes of the original uploaders by using versions from 3rd party streaming websites since that is generally very frowned upon to post someone elses link without their permission.. 

So similarly, if you do have a link to the original person that posted 6th stage in good quality and it is within their rules to share that link then please do. Ideally I would be able to rip the blurays I own myself, but I don’t have the means to do this. If somehas has just posted the link themselves like “heres the link please download but don’t upload to any streaming sites” then that’s fine.

I hope you enjoy the stream when it happens, I might have a poll up tomorrow to see preferences so keep an eye out.

[forte7]

Forte’s Fan Character Flashback Friday - #11

Name: Kaede Hatake Series: Naruto Background: So, this is probably the last Flashback Friday; turns out I'm kinda out of fan characters to really bring back - at least those that I really remember or have images of. But I will be ending this series off with a bang, I guess, cause today we're going to talk about one of my favorite fan characters who has way more development than a fan character really needs, but hey, I enjoy it and it's fun.

Anyway, I've posted stuff for this character before, but have a lot more I can share and have been kind of holding back for this post.

This is Kaede, my long-lived Naruto fan character. As cliche as it is, she supposed to Kakashi's adopted daughter, who of course, also happened to repress her memories of her actual family and birthplace and thanks to the Third Hokage's permission and whatnot, was able to just more or less seamlessly mesh into living in the Hidden Leaf village.

She was created right after I really got into the series, which was back around 2007, which correlates with one of the earlier images I have of her on my dA. You can see that one here, actually: https://www.deviantart.com/forte-girl7/art/Hatake-Kaede-69525304

Fun side note for that, I had done that image all on the free program GIMP and with a mouse and I'm still amazed at my younger self for having the patience to do all the things I used to do with just a mouse. I've been spoiled by my tablet, haha.

Anyway, one reason why I've been so attached to this character is because, like Rey a while ago, I used to RP with this character on a Naruto RP forum. However, this forum was much more active and the person who RPed as Kakashi was super into the idea and we really ran with the different scenarios we could put the two in. I'm actually still friends with that person and we talk about it from time to time and after the forum itself had gone under, still wrote fanfiction things together, just for funsies.

There's another reason why I got attached to the character and it's kind of a weird, personal, psychological reason, but could really be applied to a lot of my fan characters. As you may have noticed over the course of this series, a lot of my fan characters are either a character's daughter or younger sister. I never did the love interest thing; it wasn't and still isn't a thing that I was into. Not sure why, really, but not my thing.

The gravitation to having characters with older brothers or I suppose "idealized" father figures, however, I can totally explain. The brother thing is simple: I've always wanted an older brother, but as the eldest of the family, that was never going to be a thing. So, I guess I tried to find some kind of surrogate relationship with my fan characters. The same can be said with the father thing, too, but I do still have my dad around and while he isn't the worst dad, I guess he could have always been better. I don't want to paint my dad in a bad light, but he's always been a bit overbearing and had a lot of expectations for me that he pushed so much, I'm sure it didn't help with how my mental state's progressed through the years. Really, it's still a thing I deal with to this day and the more I think about it, the more I understand my younger self's need for "better" father figures to attach myself to.

Kaede was definitely one of those characters, and with someone like my old RP friend fanning the flames, it was hard not to get attached to a source of escapism that I really craved and needed at the time. That and having a set up like that and also have a friend who funnily enough cosplayed as Kakashi at one point saying "she should be canon", well, that's how you make a 14/15 year old's day, haha.

Anyway, I do have a lot of older art for this character (plus a lot of newer stuff), that I'll put next. I'll try and put them in chronological order, starting with some of the older stuff I have.

Old Drawing 1

Old Drawing 2

Old Drawing 3

Old Drawing 4

Old Drawing 5

Old Drawing 6

She's had a few different outfits over the years, though I do have a lot more stuff of her in more random outfits not really connected to her "actual" design. You can tell I was going through that "young weeaboo" phase looking at them, cause there are some of her as kitsune, some of her and Kakashi transformed into dogs, lots of them with bad fashion sense, and even here, she used to have a giant, paper fan as a weapon, cause "they have those in anime". And yes, I know, Temari has a giant fan, but her's is actually like.. a bamboo folding one, while the one here is obviously just a silly paper one that again, you would see in anime as a gag item.

Also, a few notes about some of her outfit inspirations: her earliest outfit looked way too much like Sasuke's, which I wanted to stray away from, but was hard considering I insisted on keeping her color palette the blue/tan mix.

One reason for wanting to stray from that is because of Kaede's odd stance when it comes to Sasuke. Personally, he's not my favorite, but Kaede herself is at odds with him, because of Kakashi's focus on training Sasuke in the earlier part of the series, mainly because of their mutual connection that is the Sharingan. Kaede has a slight inferiority complex when it comes to this relationship and is a major source for her lack of self confidence in her abilities.

Also, one of the later designs is an obvious rip-off of Kakashi's outfit from the Gaiden storyline (the bit where he actually gets his Sharingan). I liked elements from it, but again, would go on to tweak it so it wasn't just stealing from another character. Of course, if you look at the designs (and naming conventions) for a lot of the characters that are related... well, sometimes it seems like they didn't try much harder, hahaha.

And as another note, the reason why some of these images have the dA watermark on it was because I got these from my storage on there and they had those enabled. For the next few, which aren't in storage, I'll just link to the actual dA posts. These are still fairly old at this point, cause I haven't posted a lot of the newer stuff on there or anywhere yet, cause I've been... just going crazy on making new stuff and not posting it.

https://www.deviantart.com/forte-girl7/art/Daddy-s-Girl-126086387

https://www.deviantart.com/forte-girl7/art/Naruto-Kaede-326539607

Those two are from 2009 and 2012, while the ones earlier were posted in 2007ish. Also, the age progression there is pretty similar to the current one, though in the most recent, her older outfit reflects the changes to the general Konoha shinobi found in Boruto.

Now, this is just all visual development for the character. When I say a lot, I mean, a lot, cause there's also a written development to go with this. Granted, a lot of it is more recent, but that's because of me being weird.

Some of the posts there on dA do have the startings of a character profile, but they always say "I'll post most later" or "I'm still working on her profile" or whatever and that never came to light. That's mainly because, as I've mentioned before, I'm oddly pick about how plausible my characters may be in the canon universe. Kaede is no exception and may be the one that really sparked how particular I am about it.

I've been meaning for the longest of times to actually write a fanfiction that more or less adds Kaede to the story, though through research/rethinking, I would now add events not directly connected to the manga/anime, which would be needed either way, cause it's not like I was gonna shove her in the background of every actual scene from Naruto's story. However, because Naruto was still ongoing when I got into the series, I decided to bide my time and wait until it ended and how things unfolded.

While now that it's ended, that means I can comb through everything and actually make sure everything's covered, but it was quite an thing to tough through, considering some of the things that happened in the later chapters of the manga. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone really, but the series is pretty old now at this point and into their next series anyway, and some of the stuff that they pull off and hope you accept in the end game of Naruto is a bit much and trust me, you do not want to get me started on THAT topic, hahaha.

Anyway, now I'll be sharing some of the stuff I've been working on the last bit of time to actually maybe see that long-form fanfiction come to fruition. Please note that a lot of them are still a work in progress, but they have come a long ways since those earlier profile/backstory promises. It turns out that sitting down and combing through stuff, even after the fact, is a lot of work and very time consuming, because again, there's a lot of baloney that Naruto really hopes you'd be fine with, when sometimes they themselves don't stay the most consistent, especially when it comes to their actual time line.

I'm trying really hard not to go on a rant here... so let's move on the links and I'll explain them one by one if needed.

Profile Here's Kaede's current overall profile. It includes the general things on a profile sheet, like name, appearance, personality, backstory, and the likes. This also covers the same parameters for Kaede through the year, because I want to be thorough cause I'm weird like that. I also have little skill charts that use the same ranking system found in the Naruto Character Guidebooks, because I guess I like to waste time, hahaha. The backstory part of this is also kind of serving as a rough draft/abridged version for certain story events I'd like to write out, so sorry if they read... weird.

Relationships This document goes into more detail of Kaede's relationships to other characters. Kakashi's isn't full filled out yet, though it should probably be one of the longest ones, but I've been focusing on other characters, mainly her extended family, that I've been adding to bolster her backstory. There are line breaks between certain groups of characters, and the order after Kakashi should be Kaede's actual parents, her extended family (mainly a lot of her mother's relatives), Kaede's teammate and sensei, Naruto and the others of Team 7/Kakashi, and then other characters from the show.

Supporting Profiles Now, because I'm making up a whole gang of extra characters for my silly little OC, that means they also need profiles for a bit more fleshing out of their own, so that's this document, cause I just don't know how to stop myself sometimes. These again follow an order in their appearance, going from her biological parents to extended family, then teammates, followed up by teammates/colleagues of her biological father.

Technique/Skill List Pretty self explanatory. There are technically two versions of this list, where the other is really just a list. This one is the spreadsheet that covers other parameters of the various techniques/skills/jutsu/whatever and where I keep other notes.

Timeline This one is pretty much the biggest pain the neck for me, because again, it's taking time to cross reference the canon timelines that sometimes muddle themselves up anyway and can be annoying, yet amusing to read. This timeline focuses mainly on characters directly involved with Kaede, such as her extended family/what have you, so it's not the same in-depth one that I've been using on the Naruto wiki. Again, I'm trying to put her into the story, but that doesn't mean she's present and/or relevant to everything, cause she wouldn't be, hahaha, though there are some events present that are only there as kind of reminders for what's taking place in the main storyline.

As seen in the supporting profiles doc, all the characters I've come up with have designs, too, or are in the process of getting them and I've posted sketches and finished versions of them on my Patreon, cause those are also still a work in progress. I want to say I'll post them when they're done, but with me, who knows when that'll be, so I'll just some of them here now:

Supporting Character Drawings

Anyway, I think I'm gonna wrap this one up, cause I've blabbed for long enough. I know not a lot was actually covered Kaede-wise here, but that's because a lot of it would just be repeats of the stuff covered in the way-too-many-documents-for-a-fan-character up there.

Also, like I said, this is probably the last Fan Character Flashback Friday, so I want to thank you all for taking this journey with me to the past to revisit some rather fond memories and fun designs.

[margridarnauds]

Top five characters from literature (and why, if you're feeling chatty)

I tend to forget about literally everything I’ve ever read when I’m in a position to talk about it, so I’m going to do my best. 

(1) Bres mac Elatha - Cath Maige Tuired, Cath Maige Tuired Conga, and a load of other assorted medieval Irish myths. 

My boy. My son.

There’s a lot I could say about him, and a lot of it I wasn’t able to fit into my 45 page Capstone. Sometimes, in my (fairly short) life, I’ve been lucky enough to come across something that happened to be exactly what I needed at the time and, for my 14-15 year old self, that happened to be an obscure Irish deity who ends up choking on bog water. As you will. 

I didn’t start out liking him; it’s very, very easy to accept a simple version of the text where he’s just a moustache twirling tyrant, and even though it’s not an interpretation I AGREE with, seeing as it’s…boring, as a concept to me, it’s just as valid as anything, given these texts were meant to be interpreted and reinterpreted and transmitted and then rewritten from the ground up to suit the times. Cath Maige Tuired Bres is actually an anomaly; before that, he seems to have been an esteemed member of the Tuatha dé. 

Which, I suppose, is part of why I like him. There’s an ambiguity about him, a crossing of lines. Even in CMT where he’s at his most villainous, he’s fairly unique, having many of the traits of a hero and, I would argue, he is as much the protagonist of the text as Lugh is. He has the heroic birth with a missing father, the strange childhood, the trial by combat, etc. And yet, in the world of CMT, with the context of the Viking invasions, he just doesn’t have a chance. He’s a fundamentally doomed character from the beginning, with his own actions damning him in the end. 

His very existence in the tribe, the son born out of the most “proper” form of medieval Irish wedlock (seeing as there were nine, I hesitate to apply the term “bastard” to Bres, but the circumstances were NOT the ideal) to an unbetrothed noblewoman of the Tuatha (THE FUCKING SOVEREIGNTY OF IRELAND) and the king of a neighboring tribe, really warps the social structure, and it’s something he kind of carries throughout his life. He isn’t like Cú Chulainn, who is probably the one character who comes closest to him as far as his place in the tribe; he’s not content to serve the maternal side of his family as a champion, doing as he’s commanded. He wants power, and, when he’s removed from power, he takes desperate measures to take it back and, in the process, loses everything.

And, really, that essential liminality extends into his relationship with gender and power structures. While he’s supposed to represent order, as the king, he has no taste for the nobility; he makes them work (!!!!), he doesn���t give a bard due hospitality, he doesn’t give the warriors ale and meat. You get this image of him as this kind of distant, isolated figure in the tribe; not particularly JOYLESS, per se, at least in my interpretation of him (given we don’t see him happy all that often, the interpretation is open), but one who takes joy in things very, very different from the rest of the tribe, or at least from the men. Instead, his closest relationships in the tribe are to the women, who are the ones who elect him. His mother is his most constant ally, being willing to travel with him to see his father, even if it means leaving her own tribe to do it, and she’s the one he goes to IMMEDIATELY for help. And, when his mother addresses her father, it’s notable that SHE’S the one who takes control of the narrative, not Bres. Bres only confirms it when his father asks him. I wouldn’t say that he’s a feminine-coded character, specifically, though I think there are elements of that, but he definitely does not fit the expectations of how a medieval Irish nobleman is to behave with his own sex and with the opposite sex. At the risk of going full-on Pretentious Academic here, it reminds me of what Jeffrey Jerome Cohen wrote in his Seven Monster Theses, where he wrote, “By revealing that difference is arbitrary and potentially free-floating, mutable rather than essential, the monster threatens to destroy not just individual members of a society, but the very cultural apparatus through which individuality is constituted and allowed.” 

And, in other texts, I think there’s decent enough subtext to do a queer reading of Bres. Like, in Cath Maige Tuired Conga, which is a sort of prequel to CMT, Bres appears as the champion of the Tuatha dé, a completely normal part of the tribe, and he meets with Sreng mac Sengann, the Fir Bolg champion, and their meeting is…interesting to me, in how intimate it is, as far as two men from opposing sides sent to essentially size up the enemy. There’s a certain…familiarity with one another. They know that if their tribes go to battle, it’s going to be a bloodbath, and there’s really no personal dislike for one another. They even ask each other where they spent the night! (Which, it’s a common enough phrase that I’m not going to tie it to The Wooing of Emer, but…) And then, at the end of their meeting, they each give each other one of their sharp, pointy weapons to bring back to the tribe as a show of what the other tribe can do, and the text says, “They parted in peace after making a compact of friendship with each other.” It’s just…a very unusual scene, in terms of champions meeting up with one another, and it’s one that I think I could spend a lot more time with if I was given the opportunity. And curiously enough, they keep the vow of friendship! Throughout the rest of the fight, you see everyone being paired off against their equal, but Bres and Sreng never go head to head even when Sreng takes the arm off of Bres’ king. Instead, Bres goes for Sreng’s king. 

Personally, for me, he only really clicked when I was going over CMT again and I was looking over the scene where Bres meets his father for the first time and he says, “Do you have any advice for me?” and I was like…fuck. This is the first time he’s ever met his father, and the first words that his father’s ever said to him are essentially, “Why aren’t you leading your own people? What have you done wrong?” which is doubly painful when you realize that his father was one of the Fomorian lords who were raiding Ireland earlier. At the risk of going personal here, at the time when I read those lines and had them hit me, I was in the process of divorcing myself from my own father, who, like Bres, I had had a distant relationship with, as he lived across the country and was happier with the idea of having a picture on a mantelplace than a daughter who wanted something as inconvenient as his attention. Reading that, and thinking about my own situation, I was like, “Yeah, I get you” and, from then on, I really read him and the text in a wildly different light, especially when I started to think about the repercussions of, say, Bres having the growth of a 14 year old at the age of 7. Like, if you take this text realistically (which…you can or you can’t, because these texts are over the top by their nature), he never had a childhood. He was just moving from one stage of growth to another, with the tribe probably being all too eager to put a spear in his hand because Well, he has the growth for it now and That’s Just What a Man Does. Which is something that I ALSO understood, deeply, and is something that I wish more adaptations of CMT would take into account besides just forcing Bres into the role of “Entitled Brat.” 

Also, if my dissertation up there wasn’t enough: According to some genealogies, he’s The Morrigan’s nephew, given that both Eriu, Bres’ mother, and she are both listed as daughters of Ernmas. Like, if you don’t love him for the batshit insane, Extra antics he finds himself in (like the time the Dagda, his half-brother/father-in-law decides to distract the husband of the woman he’s banging by sending him on a mission to Bres), you’ve got to love him for his batshit insane, extra, goth family. 

(2) The Countess - Makt Myrkanna (AKA Weird Ass Swedish Dracula.)

This will hopefully be briefer than my little essay up there, mainly because there’s really not all that much information on her in text and it’s been awhile since I read her scenes (and even then, a lot of that was me rereading it so that I could write the Countess/Lucy smutfic that I am probably never, ever going to let see the light of day. Which. Vampire smutfic. Light of day.) 

BUT…why I like her. Makt Myrkanna is a very, very different work than the original Dracula, extending the scenes in the castle while condensing the rest of the novel to a truly dizzying extent, to the point where we have no idea whether Arthur Holmwood’s actually…alive by the end of the book given that the last time he was mentioned, he was stalking Lucy’s grave given that he thought she’d been buried alive. RIP Artie. To me, though, it really, really shows in the figure of the Countess, who is very different from the three women Jonathan meets in the original novel. There, even though there is a lot of subtext about what their relationship to the Count is, some of which might not have been printable in a Victorian novel (at least not one to be sold to the public), the brides really only have the two key scenes: Once when they tempt Jonathan and Dracula intervenes, and then again when they try to get Mina to join them and then Van Helsing goes down and stakes them. They’re probably one of the most memorable parts of the novel and certainly a BIG influence on the portrayal of vampire women in fiction, but they’re not…there all that often. 

The Countess, however, is a far more formidable figure. She does not seem nearly as pleased in her current position, seeming to be held in place by Dracula, who it’s heavily, heavily implied might have been her husband (?), though he also shows just as much disdain for the man’s actions towards her in life that it’s kind of hard to tell one way or another. (Like a lot of things in Makt Myrkanna, it’s toyed with and then never picked up again.) No matter what, he definitely wants to bang her and probably has on multiple occasions, given that he describes her, uh, attributes to Thomas while showing him his collection of dirty paintings. (Yes, Dracula has a porn collection in this one.) For the Countess’ part, there seems to be a certain…fear that the Count inspires in her, or at least a sense of caution with her quickly ushering Thomas Harker (inexplicably, Jonathan becomes Thomas in this translation) away. Obviously, she’s on Team Dracula in the end, she very much wants to eat humans, and she’s not a Broken Bird, but you do get the sense that she has some sort of agenda of her own and that, perhaps, there’s a sort of power struggle being waged in Castle Dracula that Thomas is more or less oblivious to (he’s a bit busy dodging human sacrifices). 

She also represents far more of a temptation than the original brides, who Jonathan…is interested in, with the reference to “almost wanting them to kiss me” (or something; I don’t have Dracula on hand and, if I spend too long searching, I know I’ll never get this done), but it’s still not…..in depth. Like, Jonathan loves and is faithful to Mina, even though he’s ashamed when he shows her his diaries because of that line. Thomas Harker, his counterpart here, though, reacts…very differently, trying to keep his calm but, “The moment she turned towards me and locked her incomparable eyes with mine, it felt as though an electric current surged throughout my body. I grabbed a nearby chair and held onto its backrest. She looked steadily into my eyes, and it didn’t even occur to me that I should have greeted her, or that my behavior was doltish. But evidently neither did she see a need for salutations. It felt as though we had already known each other for a long time and therefore didn’t need to explain ourselves.” There’s this hypnotic effect that she has on him, and unlike her three counterparts, she is perfectly willing to wait and talk with him for long periods of time.             

Also, unlike her other counterparts, we get her backstory detailed to us, with her being described as being just as ruthless and cunning as the Count even as a child, with her being described as, holding, “the hearts of men at [her] fingertips, playing with them as a child plays with grapes before sucking out the liquid.” And in her lifetime, she was powerful, with Dracula saying she, “Held the destinies of whole nations in her hands, though few suspected it. Heads of state, kings, and emperors, lay at her feet–or in her arms.” Ultimately, her only downfall was when her husband ended up locking her and her lover in the bedroom together so she could sex him to death. Literally. He jumps out a window. And then her husband had a funeral service performed but, given she’s walking around the castle, we can presume it didn’t stick.                                                                                                                                

(3) Asriel/Mrs. Coulter - His Dark Materials

I’m including both of them because it’s not necessarily the two of them I like as individuals; it’s their dynamic. I mean, I do very much like them as individuals, they are each favs in their own right, but their dynamic is essential to that as well. They both complement and bounce off of each other very well, having this kind of spark where, even though they absolutely despise each other for most of the trilogy, they are really the only two who match each other. They’re both incredibly magnetic; like, in his first scene at Jordan College, I was pretty blown away by Asriel’s presentation, in his confidence, his ruthlessness, his intelligence, his pride and his ambition, all of which are also mirrored in Mrs Coulter. They simply happen to have landed on separate sides, with Asriel trying to essentially tear down everything that Coulter stands for and Coulter seizing control in the Church because it’s the only thing she really has as far as options, since she lacks the privileges Asriel has as a man. 

They both do horrible things in the pursuit of their goals, including killing children, with Coulter being essentially the embodiment of Stranger Danger, and they both harm Lyra both physically and mentally. Still, when they let their guard down, on the FEW occasions they let their guard down, it is shown that they have some amount of love for Lyra, but they fundamentally don’t know how to be parents when all their lives have been spent in the pursuit of power and knowledge and all the ways those two intertwine. 

I’m not sure how much I fully believe in Mrs Coulter’s swerve to motherhood, whether it was the best writing decision, whether it leans into the overall weakening of female characters in the last book or so, with Lyra being another notable victim, but I do think there’s a tragedy in there, as far as her trying but failing. And there is something in the classic femme fatale, generally seen as sexual but cold and unmaternal, dangerous in her embracing of sexuality sans procreation and motherhood (and monogamy!) being allowed to HAVE those kind of feelings and to have a complicated dynamic with the father of her child who she still has obviously holds some feelings for. And for Asriel’s part, he WAS ready to sacrifice Lyra, but he was also HORRIFIED by it, and in the end, he does repeatedly show that he cares, I just think that ultimately he let his own lofty goals get in the way of that until it was almost too late. 

I really think that the best showcasing of them as characters tends to be with them together, such as in the third book when she steals the Intention Craft. She comes in there a prisoner, Asriel doesn’t WANT her there because he knows she’ll pull something, but she’s able to trap him in his own words by playing his commanders like a fiddle, and then she takes advantage over his desire to show off his new toy to get her an in, with Asriel then letting her go with one of his spies in the craft with her, knowing fully well what she’s going to do next and then going back to his improved prototype for more scheming. Like, they’re always trying to one up the other; it’s essentially a form of foreplay for them (as much so as you can get in a kid’s series about killing God), and I can only imagine what they were like when they were actually in a relationship, because they must have been terrifying and yet, for whatever reason, they both fell in love with each other to embark on a forbidden affair with each other, when she was married to a highly powerful man, risking everything. 

So, I’m going to be curious to see what the new BBC series ends up doing with them, both as individuals and as a pair. 

(4) Morgan le Fay - Like, a hundred different Arthurian adaptations 

I’ll be honest: Morgan le Fay in The Magic Treehouse was one of my first crushes. I was always strangely drawn to books with her in them, looking at the pictures for a while. 

These days, I have broadened my Arthurian knowledge significantly, though not nearly as much as I’d like to, but she’s still my eternal favorite. (Literally any book or film that tries me to root for Arthur over Morgan is going to fail miserably.) She is the embodiment of the Other in a woman, being otherwordly in her name and in her powers, but, like Bres and any other character from a long tradition, she is ambiguous in her presentation. Sometimes, she loves her brother and truly wants to expose the love affair between Lancelot and Guinevere to save his honor. Sometimes, she wants to create destruction for destruction’s sake. Sometimes, she reconciles with her brother and gives up the fight, sometimes she only relents when she sees his dead body there. She is always powerful, but the way that power is applied and, at times, not applied is part of what makes her fascinating and why, I believe, she is still subject to so much study after all these years. 

 The backstory as far as her mother and Uther gives her VERY strong motivation for why she would be less than pleased with Arthur, though I tend to favor the story of her expulsion from Camelot for having an affair with a kinsman of Guinevere’s for the delicious, delicious irony involved. 

 She is more of a schemer than her sister Morgause who, despite the oddness of her family, tends to be a loving mother (who just…happens to take a lover many, many years her junior and pays the consequences) in works that don’t take off from sexist Victorian bullshit. (I have many, many feelings over the portrayal of Morgause, and they’re very complicated so I won’t vomit them out.) Like, she successfully steals the sheath of Excalibur, and came very, very close to killing both Arthur AND her husband with the whole Accolon thing. 

Also, she literally has a dude come into Camelot dressed in green so she could terrify Guinevere AT CHRISTMAS and then continues to troll her nephew for a year (and a day!) Like, name a greater icon. 

(5) Shiloh - Saving Shiloh

 A Very Good Boi. Doesn’t die at the end, unlike SOME literary dogs that I could mention whose authors thought that kids needed the slow, creeping inevitability of death forced into them. A+ pupper. 

[jeffybruce]

Allow me to introduce you to Jonzu Jones

I know I have said this a bazillion times but I can never stop praising the internet for allowing me to expand my web, pun intended, of “friends” to include some of the most prestigious, gracious, intelligent, talented, beautiful and creative people in the world.

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My latest addition, complements of Instagram, is Jonzu Jones! You might say ... who? You might say what is a Jonzu? But, all of your questions will be answered by reading this very articulately written interview.

I am one of those weird people who use Instagram not only for visual stimulation but also as a search engine since I have this peculiar habit of actually reading the hashtags, following them and it is that little idiosyncrasy which leads me to people like Jonzu. Needless to say, the first thing that caught my eye was his incredible physicality and then via countless conversations…. I have to come to learn there is way more to this young man that just his outward appearance. He is a hive of talents and aspirations.

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That old adage about not judging a book by its cover is particularly apt here as this man is so much more than just skin-deep beauty and yes, I am occasionally taken in by that beauty but this time I feel confident that I have made a friend who deserves attention both as model and stylist as you will see in his images.

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So, now that I have gushed about him, he is going to tell you about his life, some of which is hard to believe, and then … well you’ll have to read all of it to find out more… and believe it or not ... this know it all namely, ME, … actually learned something from what he had to say ….

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Jeffrey Felner: Let’s talk about your career path... was this the plan? How did you arrive at your present working situation?

Jonzu Jones: I feel like my career is always taking twists and turns. I had a vague idea from young of what I wanted to do and it has always been in the realm of art and fashion. I am still learning and growing, figuring things out along the way and to be honest just winging it. I will say I had a distinct vision of the man I wanted to be and more and more I became this idealized version of myself that the 12-year-old drew up. Currently I am a freelance fashion stylist, which I’ve been doing for around 7 years and I’ve been lucky to work with some truly incredible artists during that time. Styling came about as a kind of extension of me wanting to be a designer. I studied fashion design in high school and college and for so long I truly believed that was my true innate calling. I may revisit design in the future but styling has really been my big passion. While studying design, I was assisting fashion editors and stylists for school credit and to mold my approach to design. After doing that for a bit and loving it, I branched off as a freelance stylist and the rest is history.

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My second career which is fairly new is being a model. I by no stretch of the imagination believed this could be me as an angsty teen. I was the weird kid most of my life and still in a lot of ways am that same kid. I grew up hating my body, uncomfortable in my skin, shy and awkward as fuck. I was content aiming to be unseen and more behind the scenes but still having a name. Being on set more and more as a stylist and dressing in my outlandish garb, I would on occasion get snapped by the photographer. These unexpected instances unlocked something in me and I guess deep within me was a craving to be in front of the camera more. This was short lived and after a 2 ½ year stint playing house wife, gaining 80 pounds, and losing a lot of confidence, I needed a reboot. After leaving my marriage at 24, I did a full visual reset, getting tatted, ripped from home using Thor’s (Chris Hemsworth) app Center, and jumping full on into modeling. Side note… at this point I binge watched Top Model and was also religiously studying the model greats of the 80s to present times. While on set as a stylist I found myself studying models more than usual as well as photographers’ notes on poses. I am still figuring shit out as a model for sure but I’ve definitely learned a few tricks of the trade that have come in handy. The path continues and not sure where exactly it’s going to lead but I’m sure as hell having fun on this journey.

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JF: Do you or did you have any style or any type of mentors or those who continue to inspire or inspired you as you have matured and why them?

JJ: One of my biggest stylist inspirations is Patti Wilson**. She truly knows how to do avant-garde but also make it sexy, dark, and accessible.

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JF: If you could invite any 5 people to dinner, who would they be and why?

JJ: Lady Gaga for sure. She’s a fellow Aires and I think we’d connect on weird and obscure references.Daphne Guinness because she is a major style icon for me and I need any excuse to roam her probably never-ending closet.Cody Fern because he’s a cutie and his personal style is pretty damn amazing.

If she were still alive, Edie Sedgwick because she really inspired me as a kid as being my glamour girl. It wasn’t Marilyn or Judy; it was Edie with the sickening Smokey eye. Someone not here anymore but David Bowie. Still a huge inspiration to me, visually and aesthetically.

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JF: If you could choose any collaboration or situation, what would it be and why? would it be as model or stylist and why?

JJ: I would say to work with Steven Klein. His work is a huge inspiration to me and I pretty much reference at least 1 of his images in every shoot I do. In an ideal world I’d model for him with Patti Wilson styling me. She’s the one stylist whose decisions I’d never question.

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JF: Can you tell what was your most amazing experience doing what you do and what was the worst experience you encountered and why?

JJ: I think my most amazing experience so far was shooting with Robin Lord Taylor a few years ago. I’ve worked with quite a few celebs and high-profile people but I’m pretty much a comic geek and mega fan of Gotham. Robin’s character Penguin was one of my top 3 favorite characters on the show and having the opportunity randomly to work with him was so amazing. He also really rocked it on set!

Worst experience was working with a specific photographer whose name I shall not mention out of respect but that whole day ended up being a nightmare. His first words to the team was “I usually have a better team I work with normally” so that kind of set the bar for the shit show of that shoot. There’s was a moment where he chucked a pair of shoes because they were not Prada or luxury enough. Besides the fuckery of that day and being that it was a non-paying TFP shoot for a known NY magazine, he actually tried to sue me and a couple other team members from that day for copyright since we posted the final images in our portfolio. Twas messy indeed and in retrospect, I should have probably handled things differently at the time like packing up and getting the heck outta there. New, evolved, and candid me probably would have ripped him to shreds but I was younger and a lot nicer…. still nice but don’t take as much shit as I used to.

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**Patti Wilson has worked with Steven Klein, Steven Miesel,mmmm

[howboutdemwings]

In which I boss @Luchas_L around...

Lassiter - <The walls of the mansion weren't as sound proof as the occupants liked to think they were, if I listened hard enough, I could generally catch a convo or two happening near by. Generally speaking, I avoided eavesdropping on the ones that were more sounds and grunts than words. The doggen were some of my more entertaining group to listen to. The things they spoke about when they thought nobody was around to hear was comedy. Fritz actually was a bit of a mess when he cooked but only because he liked spending his time in the kitchen more than anywhere else. Then there were the rambles of Piper. I never knew what she was going on about but that was endless entertainment too. The Chosen also gave me a chuckle or two from time to time. Their wonder and amazement at things on this side of the earth was so very innocent and pure. To the point of concern but I always left that worry to Phury and the brothers. Until today. A telephone conversation between one of the females here and another up at the Chosen camp had me deep in the bowels of the mansion. Past V's forging area and into a tiny locked Harry Potter under the stairs cupboard. The lock had been no problem in picking but the low ceiling height and tight quarters had me cursing any time I smacked my head against the floor supports or when my wings brushed up against something or another causing it to crash to the floor. Sneaky like a ninja, I was not. But thankfully it didn't take me long to find the item I sought. The branding iron Wrath had used on the male was long since cold but the memory attached to the item was fully intact and because it had served to completely alter the life of someone, I could use it to trace him which was exactly what I needed to do. Rumours floating through the mansion of a male stumbling past the mhis and onto the grounds of the Chosen's compound was not ideal and would send every male in the joint crazy. And since the only vampire I could think of to be related to a brother was the one who had been marked as a traitor, my hunch made the most sense and would be the exact same conclusion Wrath or Phury would make. Chances were good that Q's brother probably became a bit of a wandering soul and given the mark that marred his hand, he was likely having a difficult time finding a female to feed from. He needed a warning before one of the brothers hunted his ass down to give him something worse. Tucking the brand into the back of my jeans and using my wings to conceal the bulk of it beneath my shirt, I tidied up the mess of fallen boxes then closed the heavy wooden door before slipping the lock back in place before I made my way back to my room so I could do a little tracking to make sure my suspicions were correct. > Luchas: *The hike back to my humble shack was full of aching muscles and a headache that resembled what I always imagined a hangover to be like. That symphath had done a number on me. Even though I know he… she… hadn’t laid a finger on me, the mental torture had done the trick just fine, scrambling the neurons up in my brain and lighting them on fire. It was like sparklers going off under my skull. As the small cabin appeared before me, dawn’s warm warning on the back of my neck, I half expected to find the Scribe Virgin herself waiting for me on the other side of the door. No doubt she would take action after a traitor such as myself touched another of her purest creations, then went trudging into the Symphath Colony. But I was greeted with nothing but an empty cabin, the faint smell of fire lingering in the air. My shoulders sagged. In relief or disappointment? I couldn’t quite come to terms with whether I was happy I was alive or regretted that the King let me live. Death would bring an end to this burden of guilt I carried. Death was easy. Which I knew is why the King did what he did. He knew I’d suffer much worse trying to survive in a world I’d betrayed than getting my head ripped off. He didn’t want me to have easy. He wanted to punish me. I locked up for the day, checking the boarded up windows once before starting a small fire and stretching out on the couch. Despite all that had just happened, I still slipped into a deep sleep. Maybe it was like the humans after a large Thanksgiving Day meal. A full, warm, sated belly made them sleepy.* Lassiter: <After closing and locking the door to my room, I crossed over to the large French doors in a few long strides and stepped out onto the terrace that overlooked the grounds. The sun shone bright and felt warm on my skin, filling me with energy despite the temperature of the frigid air. The mansion was mostly asleep which was the reason I had chosen to go snooping around in the basement in the first place. I reached behind me to pull the branding iron out from the back of my jeans and inspected the image, picturing the mirrored version that was imprinted upon the male vampire’s hand. What an awful way to be labeled and in the same instant ostracized from an entire species. My hair fell around my face as I shook my head in disbelief. This was not the way the Creator wished for one of his children to be treated. Even if said child had disobeyed a few of the commandments along the way. Forgiveness was his thing. Always. If remorse was genuine, the bossman would forgive anything. I felt a pull to male begin to form and stitch itself to my insides, similar in the way that I had felt with Tohr, and every other one of my previous charges. It was one I knew I would not be able to deny. My eyes rose to the heavens and I blew out a breath.> Point taken, boss. <Both hands closed around the head of the iron and without trying or needing to force the memory out, it slammed into me. Screams and the sound of searing flesh filled my ears as if I were in the room as it had happened. Wrath’s deep and menacing voice echoed as he kicked the male out on his ass and stripped him of everything that was important to a vampire. I sighed and pulled myself out of the assault of images. The guilt that must weight on his shoulders would be undoubtedly overwhelmingly heavy. I wouldn't need to trace or search out his location. I could already feel the distance between us and the direction in which he was at this moment. Any time I’d been assigned a soul to save, an invisible bond was formed that allowed me to know where they were at all times and gave me the ability to see them within my mind’s eye. Right now, he was in some run down cabin, asleep. Of course. It was daylight hours so I’d have some time to execute my plan. First, I’d make a quick pit stop for my usual soul saving fare. Big Macs and fries. Perhaps a double round given the size of him and how his limbs spilled over the edges of the couch he was currently crashed upon. Then I’d flash myself inside, set the food on the table and wait for him to wake. Hopefully the peace offering would be enough for him to listen to reason and if not…well, it wouldn't be the first time I went toe to toe with a male vampire.> Luchas: *I don’t think I’d dreamed in a long time. Seemed like the less I fed, the less it happened. Maybe my brain was trying to conserve energy, grabbing onto all the rest it could get and not bothering with letting my subconscious come out to play. But today my mind took a fantastical trip. I wandered these hills and valleys, met other vampires, found a home for myself. They didn’t judge me by what I’d done, they didn’t care what my past was, we just all needed a safe place to live. I knew there had to be others out there like me. Vampires lived a millenia, pure bloodlines maybe even longer. Those kinds of miles had to had a few bumps in the road. I know I couldn’t be the first vampire to fuck up royally, and then get the royal exile from the King himself. I was pretty sure I was the only vampire that had gone full Lesser. But there had to be other criminals, other serial killers, other deviants that either met their demise or were cast off like I was with their tail between their legs. In my dream we were sitting down for Last Meal, the night giving way to early dawn as windows were locked up and deadbolts turned. Faces gathered at the table, smiles and tales of one another’s nights on the tips of our tongues. Something smelled delicious, like a warm memory from a life long ago. I searched for the source of the smell but couldn’t find it. I reached across the table, lifting plates, checking dishes, but to no avail. It was sweet, salty, and my mouth was watering for it. Then the sound of a brown paper bag caught my ear, swinging my head around to seek out the source of the most incredible smell. My eyes fluttered open, still half in my dream, the steamy aroma of burgers and fries fresh in my brain. I hummed low, hand rubbing over my stomach. That was one of the best dreams I’d had in a really long time. Usually my days were filled with bad memories and dreams that left me shaking, covered in sweat. But this was different. It was so lifelike, I could still smell the delicious meal. Movement to my side caught my eyes suddenly, my hand going still on my shirt. Someone was there, just a few feet away.* Lassiter: <My arrival to the tiny cabin in the woods was without fanfare or an announcement. One moment I had been standing in the parking lot of Mickey Ds, hands filled with bags of salty, calorie laden, artery clogging goodness and the next, I found myself standing on creaky floorboards next the blond vamp who was sawing logs and had a tiny bit of drool running out of the corner of his mouth. I peered down at him for a few moments, waiting to see if he was one of those light sleepers who roused at the sound of a feather dropping on the floor. I checked behind me to make sure all of mine were still in place then set down one of the bags on the little coffee table close to him then moved around and dragged the chair that had seen better days over to the other end of the table and parked my ass in it. As I fished out my fries and Big Mac, I could feel the wood beneath me moan and groan under my weight but it remained intact, thankfully. To keep my hands busy and away from dipping into his mind to see what he was dreaming about, I shoved a handful of fries into my mouth and chewed as I looked around. The cabin needed some love and elbow grease and a fresh coat of...something...paint maybe. I wasn’t sure it belonged to the boy, and I was pretty sure it didn’t belong to his family either. But I couldn’t blame him for squatting after he had been tossed out on his ass by Wrath. Twisting in my chair after taking a mouth full of two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, onions, pickles and a sesame seed bun, my eyes caught sight of the small wannabe kitchen and barren pantry, he was probably rationing what ever was in there and wasn’t too far from running out. No doubt, he’d be grateful for my thoughtfulness when he woke. Bite by bite, I made my way through my meal then sat back on the chair and propped my vans up on the table, waiting for him to wake. Before I could get impatient and start making a ruckus, he stirred and began to run that scarred and branded hand over his chest and stomach. A wide smile stretched my lips and just as his eyes landed on me, I smirked.> Sleeping beauty finally wakes and I didn’t even have to kiss you. <My head nodded toward the bag of food that awaited him.> You hungry, boy? <Shifting up from the chair but moving slowly, not wanting to startle him more than I already had, I moved my softly glowing hand over the bag to warm the food back up for him then sat back down.> Eat. And before you ask, no, you’re not seeing things. And yes, I really have wings. Luchas: *My eyes cleared as some sort of celestial fast-food worker appeared in front of me. What the Scribe……..were those wings? And that hair…. His face was like one of those greek statues, and his skin glowed like he drank glow-sticks for breakfast. My arms started back stroking, swimming me in reverse up the couch until I was as far away as possible from the stranger that sat in my cabin. How had he gotten in here? And I don’t mean the obvious, through the makeshift front door. I meant how did he get in here without opening it up, making noise, waking me, or burning me to ash by letting the sunshine in? I glanced down at my phone as it lay on the coffee table. It was barely one in the afternoon. But what sat next to the little rectangle with the blinking lights made all the air in my lungs whoosh out. McDonald’s. A big, steaming bag of greasy fast food. My stomach roared to life, crying over the cans of baked beans and other assorted salty vegetables and soups I’d managed to force down over the past few weeks. I slid back over on the couch and opened the bag. Fucking Fade… I was two bites into the oversized burger when my brain finally caught up. As his words replayed in my head, the questions started. Who was this guy? What’s with the radiation? How did he find me? Oh shit…* Is this your cabin? Scribe, I’m so sorry. I just needed a place to crash and came upon it. I didn’t think anyone lived here. I ah… I’m sorry about the furniture. And the doors… Lassiter: <My laugh was loud and obnoxious, the kind of laugh I saved only for the brothers when I wanted them to know they had read a situation all wrong. The kid thought I owned this POS cabin? What an assumption to make. I couldn't fault him seeing as I parked my ass on the chair like I owned it. I did that with everything though. It was just my style. When I had sucked in a couple lungfuls of oxygen, I shook my head and let my amusement filter into my voice as I spoke.> Not mine. Do you honestly think someone like me… <my wings ruffled a little to draw his attention purposely> ...would own a place like this? It looks like you're barely surviving, buddy. And I prefer more than the bare essentials if I have my way. <I gave him have a few moments to let his paranoia fade away before I spoke again, this time all humour was gone and seriousness filled the space between us.> I'm Lassiter. My halo is back at the Manse, where I heard some little chatterbugs talking about a vamp who stumbled his tall ass onto the Chosen compound. You wouldn't have any idea what I'm talking about would you? <I popped a pierced brow at the male, letting him know there would be zero room for lying or beating around the bush.> Luchas: *That one eyebrow arched so high I swear it brushed the heavens. And his wings seemed to fill the room even though he was neatly perched on the lounge chair next to me. I recognized the feeling that came over me. I had felt it before, back at the mansion. When one oversized, badass of a warrior male in leathers and wraparounds had given me the scolding of a lifetime. Branded me a traitor, cast me out, and sentenced me to a life of solitude. Power. In massive quantities. That's what this angel, Lassiter was oozing out into the cabin. I’d been good about staying off the Brotherhood’s radar, not even contacting mine own brother, Qhuinn. I kept away from vampires altogether, managing to only run into a few from my past. A victim or two, even. But I never harmed them, never showed any aggression. In fact, it frightened me to see them, the way they looked at me. A flash of the Chosen I’d fed from flashed across my mind as Lassiter questioned me like a father who caught his son sneaking in past curfew. Was she just another victim on my tab? Is that how every vampire I encountered would be labeled going forward for the rest of my life? I swallowed an unchewed bite of greasy goodness, forcing it down as I set the burger back on the wrapper. Funny how the lump in my throat remained, even as the food slid past.* The Brotherhood knows I was at the Chosen compound? I mean… Scribe, of course they do. I didn’t realize where I was until I was already through the mhis. And then there this female was, coming towards me. I hadn’t fed in so long… she offered, I didn’t force her. I’d never do that, you know. *I stared at the rest of the food, my appetite suddenly gone.* Are you here to punish me? Lassiter: <It was interesting to watch the metamorphosis of emotions fade in and out on the kid’s face. I didn't need to delve into his mind to know what he was thinking, the remorse... the guilt were all as clear as my hair was awesome. His question surprised me though and I slowly shook my head before nodding toward his food, not wanting it to be wasted. It was a Big Mac after all and that was against my code.> I'm not here to dole out any sort of punishment. Seems to me you've already endured a lifetime of that. <I couldn't help the disappointment that crept into my voice for Wrath’s choice as my eyes landed on his branded hand and my brows knit together, wondering if he knew I could remove it for him. I filed that under conversations for another time and focused on the more important matters.> None of the brothers or Wrath for that matter know you were at the compound. Not yet. I heard one of the Chosen talking on the phone about it. They simply believe you to be a brother or trainee or something like that. <easing back on the chair and folding my arms behind my head in an effort to make the kid less jumpy, I held his eyes and spoke in earnest.> I came here to help you. And warn you that a mistake like that could get you dead if you're not careful in the future. I believe it was an honest mistake and I will take care of things at the mansion for you because second chances and forgiveness seem to be lacking when it comes to you. <My eyes stayed on his until I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable before they moved around the tiny cabin again and I let out a sigh.> What exactly was your plan, Luchas? You know you can't hide here forever. Luchas: *I was so sure, so sure the fates had once again had it out for me. That one slip would define me. I hadn’t been up in the mansion proper much during my time there, but I had heard enough down in the med suite to know that the Brothers and their trainees screwed up all the time. Mine own brother was a terrific example of that. He was as stubborn as the night was long, especially when he was trying to protect the ones he loved or the Brotherhood. But with Blay at his side, he was able to find his place--and forgiveness--among Wrath’s most trusted males. I knew there were times when they fought amongst themselves, even attacked one another. Scribe knew members had even been suspended or removed over the centuries. Or simply needed some separation and time to heal. My fingers absentmindedly rubbed over my scar on the opposite hand. Now that Wrath had made my status known, I had taken a similar path. Where would it lead? I wasn’t sure yet.* I came up here looking for others like me, other outcasts. I’d heard there were groups settled north of Caldwell, I figured maybe if I came up this way I would eventually find them. And maybe they’d let me stick around. If none of us are welcome in Caldwell, then maybe we can find a place up here that’s safe. So far I haven’t found much… *I knew I’d never be welcomed at the Chosen Compound, but my mind drifted to the Symphath Colony. Sure, I had been mentally bitch-slapped by whichever one had found me near their borders. But maybe if I went back and asked again… or simply never stopped asking… they’d let me live there. Could a vampire live off of Symphath blood? I honestly didn’t know. It had to be stronger than human blood, right?* I know I can’t stay here. Even if no one is around, this cabin does belong to someone. I will fix it, the furniture and doors, and then I’ll move on. It was just a place to stay out of the sun while I looked for other vampires. Lassiter: <My head was shaking, sending my multi-coloured hair into my eyes as he spoke of seeking out others in the area. Surely he was smarter than that? Surely God wouldn't have stuck me with a charge who really did have a death wish...not even Tohr had been /that/ stupid when it came down to living and dying. I sighed out a long breath and pushed my hair back with both hands before levelling him with a piercing white gaze that left no room to argue.> Dude, that aimless wandering around to find somewhere to belong has already led to me showing up on your doorstep. If I could find you, you best believe any of the brothers could, all they'd have to do was find that lovely Chosen you fed from and she'd locate you through the blood connection. They wouldn't be so forgiving this time and you know it. They’d boot your ass out the door at high noon and think nothing of it. <My fingers tapped my temple while I spoke> Get smarter, please. The Sympath colony isn't too far from here and I can guaran-fucking-tee they won't be welcoming you with open arms unless it's to mind fuck you into insanity. <My frustrations mounted within me and I stood from my chair to pace around the small living room, as I always did when my mind was running through scenarios. I cursed under my breath knowing the rules I had to follow when trying to save a soul, he had to do the work himself and I couldn't give him the answers on how, he had to want it for himself above all else.> Luchas, you belong in Caldwell. It's not safe anywhere around here. Not after crossing the mhis like you did. <pausing in my pacing, I turned toward him and planted my fists at my sides, hoping perhaps the look might beat home the gravity of the situation he was in.> Get your life back together, find something worth living for. Something that doesn't involve wallowing over that damn mark on your hand. It's just a scar, nothing more, and when you start thinking like that rather than feeling sorry for yourself, you’ll be free of the mistakes you've made. Maybe you’ll even find a way to forgive yourself. I’ll do my best to help you along the way but if you truly want your life to be yours again, it's going to take some hard work. Luchas *I could tell there was a lot the angel wasn’t telling me. But I could guess as good as any that this was how it worked. He couldn’t interfere, he could only guide others. This wasn’t a spirit guide to hold my hand and take me on a magical adventure through the forest to get in touch with my soul. Lassiter was more like a distant but loving father. “I gave you the tools you need, figure it out yourself. And if you fail, pick up the pieces and try again until you succeed.” Maybe that’s how the humans felt about their God. Distant… requiring blind faith. I stared up at the glowy, show, f-a-b-u-l-o-u-s winged creature pacing my cabin. He seemed a bit too big a presence to thought of as distant in any way. As if he’d heard my thoughts and felt the need to personify the very God I was considering, he suddenly vanished from the room. I waited a moment to see if he’d return, but all that was left proving he’d ever been here was the rest of my Big Mac and fries. I took another bite, chewing as his words ran through my head. So the Brotherhood had it out for me if I slipped up again. No real surprise there. I know Wrath wanted me to suffer a lifetime of guilt, and so far I’d done a pretty damn good job of sticking to that punishment. But Lassiter wanted me to rebel against that, start a new life, find some purpose. It’s not that I wanted to just waste away up here in this cabin, I really did want to find other vampires to coexist with. Make a few friends, have an acquaintance to offer my blood too in return for some of theirs. I just wanted a simple life. Wasn’t that enough? Apparently to Lassiter, no, it wasn’t. Could I really be destined for more? I had been so sure my first and second act had already been played. Rather than be an old diva hanging around backstage, hanging on to nostalgia like one last aria, I’d left the theater completely. I had been cruel to mine brother Qhuinn in the first set. Paid dearly at the hands of the Lessening Society before joining the Omega himself. What else was there for a male like me? I was of no use to the race anymore. /You belong in Caldwell./ How could that be true if the King banished me? /Find something worth living for./ I looked down at my branded hand. It was like Lassiter wanted me to sign up for the volunteer firefighter department. Maybe scoop some meals at the local soup kitchen. ...Help the humans? I had gotten along well with the males at CHEMLAB. It was easy enough to blend in as long as I was out at night. Feeding would still be a problem, but up here wasn’t any better at the moment. So that was it, then. I’d go back to Caldwell and back to living with humans. And that’s when the cabin’s owner walked through the door. #BigWingsAndBigMacs

[doomedandstoned]

Fallout Ritualist:

A Visit with Mikko Kääriäinen of Cardinals Folly

~By Billy Goate (Editor in Chief)~

Photographs by Jouni Parkku

There's something about that voice. Mikko Kääriäinen (best known as Count Karnstein) of the Finnish band CARDINALS FOLLY croons like a stern master with ice water for blood. Dare not knock on the door of his estate seeking shelter from the tempest. His singing incites shivers as he wails and thrashes about, bemoaning the wiles of the devil and the fate of foodhardy thrill seekers. Mikko joined our own Stephanie V. Cantu for her podcast Crypt of Despair last year and I was eager to get to get a proper interview with him in these pages. Come with me now, into the shadows to a domain where doom is law and riffs conjure soul-stealing specters. This is the twisted realm of Cardinals Folly...

You draw significant inspiration from mysticism and the occult. What are your own beliefs about the supernatural? And while we're on the subject, have you ever encountered something uncanny, unearthly, or otherwise unexplainable?

I guess it's mere curiosity that has brought this devious individual and many others on the brink of great things. Teenage rebellion is a pathway to many things you will be able to truly understand later on, to expand your consciousness to unnatural levels. I believe in the devil as an ideal collaborator in spiritual rebellion -- a dark power of nature, relentless illumination, self-deification, and resistance of the right-hand path. A cultivated inspiration and idol for individuals like us. Of course, The Master will always take care of its own, the truly initiated and dedicated, and therefore things will always happen. From everyday charms to weirder incidents. I don´t want to pick out anything special, for it´s not about bragging how weird your life has been. That´s the naturality or unnaturality of this kind of mind -- you just live it. Nothing is that strange anymore. That´s almost like a Biblical term to me, at this point. Reference based on the many, the majority, what they would think.

Interesting. I’m guessing you’re well read on the occult. For the novice, what tomes would you recommend for reading? I’m guessing Dennis Wheatley’s novels will be among them, given the band's name.

Well, for someone willing to get both a factual and fictional overall briefing about the western esoteric and occult practices, I recommend the following starters:

Stephen Flowers: 'Lords of the Left-Hand Path' (1997)

Dennis Wheatley: 'The Devil and All His Works' (1971)

Don Web: 'Overthrowing the Old Gods: Aleister Crowley and the Book of the Law' (2013)

Trevor Ravenscroft: 'The Spear of Destiny' (1972)

Anton LaVey: 'The Satanic Bible' (1969)

H.P Blavatsky: 'The Secret Doctrine' (1888)

Eliphas Levi: 'Transcendental Magic: Its Doctrine and Ritual' (1855)

Dennis Wheatley: 'The Devil Rides Out' (1950) or 'Strange Conflict' (1941)

How long have you been singing and playing bass? I'm curious about what lit the fire inside of you to get started with both.

I started everything with this band. I needed a vision of a band to make happen, to actually give a damn. Never been one of those bedroom metal musicians. Cardinals Folly and its early version symbolize my musical career. I simply started to play bass and sing when we started playing doom in 2004, without having any experience. To be honest, the more I see in this life, the more I like my choices. There´s a shitload of stagnated bands out there. Bands with members who can play, but are pretty clueless about anything else. I´m glad I had no specific pattern to start laboring when we started. I´ve learned it all myself along the way, which certainly suits me very well. I´m a person of my own. Our heaviest influence among traditional doom bands was Reverend Bizarre, when we started. Reverend Bizarre was emerging in Finland and it felt the closest thing to us. Of course, there are also typical old school legends like Saint Vitus, Pentagram, Cathedral, etc., but Reverend Bizarre was so present, especially in our early works. Now all that really remains from their influence is the cinematic gothickry, but that I love too much to ever let it go. Besides, it´s nothing that unusual in metal, generally. They just did it really well, I want to do it even better -- really combine the themes and the music.

Holocaust of Ecstasy & Freedom by Cardinals Folly

I admit I’m a little late to the game. The Coven was the original incarnation of Cardinal’s Folly, right?

You could say so. The idea didn´t change one bit and we simply continued with a new drummer and new moniker. Like I said, we were total newbies back then to everything regarding functioning as a band, so we made up a proper fitting name hastily in our excitement, without giving it too much thought. Our first drummer left and we got a new one, who was really into doom and very experienced with the underground. So we forged our visions stronger and had more artistic approach. I found the true name for us and we set the course to where we are today.

Around 2012-2013, there was a complete change of line-up. Was the future of Cardinals Folly in doubt at that point in time?

I´ve always been very demanding regarding people´s input in Cardinals Folly. I never chose to be the leader of the band. It came naturally, because of my level of ambition, temperament, and vision. Cardinals Folly is my baby, and I was never truly happy with the input of the previous members. Our guitar player had no time to really play in a band and since we took our name in 2007, our drummer had always had self-doubts about his playing and we always argued about many things. He´s a friend of mine still, and probably always will be, but we weren´t exactly the dream team, musically. I was always pushing forward and he was stalling.

With Juho joining in guitar around 2012 and Joni in drums 2014, we got the right dedicated members to push things forward. The future of Cardinals Folly has never truly been in doubt, as it´s always been a major creative outlet for me. But you can speculate if I had made it to this point without these guys. Probably not. The band would exist anyway, but you kind of need the lineup to truly make it something. After all, band life is about sharing our views, rehearsing, talking crap, playing live, doing records, drinking together -- that´s what it is to me.

So how did you come to meet your current partners, Juho and Joni? You’re the primary songwriter, naturally, so I’m curious how these two contribute to or otherwise enhance your musical ideas.

They both just answered the ads I had left. I really like that I didn´t take them into the band because of some guaranteed friendship. They weren´t old fishing buddies. That sort of thing is overrated, when it comes to band members. Also, if the band has ambition, it can fuck over the friendship or the friendship can fuck over the band, if you know what I mean. You need brutal honesty, sometimes. Making music like Cardinals Folly is about ambition and vision, so it doesn´t help one bit if you´re a great guy otherwise. Previous members were perfect examples of that.

Juho trained on a few songs on acoustic guitar over the weekend up north at his parents and returned early from his holiday to make it to the audition down south, where he nailed everything totally. Joni did the same, without missing a beat. The musical collaboration and understanding is on a very high level here. An exceptionally high level that even most pro musicians can´t reach with each other for different personal reasons. I´ve seen this. We can together spice up the original idea and structure for a song without changing the atmosphere or screwing anything over. We simply enrich it with good flavors. I or Juho come up with a few matching riffs and we complete the song usually as a group, throwing in riffs and fixing the arrangements for whole band. The original idea remains, but grows some muscle around itself.

Lyrics sometimes exist already before the song, but usually some interesting theme pops up after the feeling I get from the music and I finish the lyrics in a frenzy of inspiration from that. In my opinion, combining the music with the fitting and believable lyrics of a similar atmosphere is very important. If you fuck that up, you´re not in the game anymore. Our approach is similar and we talk the same “language,” because we´re not educated musicians, but three guys on a mission they all completely understand, both spiritually and musically. I feel we´re a real band -- a three-piece unit. We work everything together, despite of who wrote the original ideas. Nothing is ever personal. We understand our art and wish to push it forward. That is the priority in Cardinals Folly for us all, despite also being friends. It's very easy for me to say this, since it´s nothing, but a transcription of what happens in the world of Cardinals Folly nowadays.

You balk at trendiness in music, “laughing at stoner/retro trends as Cardinals Folly since 2007.” In “Hyperborean,” there is the declamatory “No Trends!” in the chorus. Obviously it’s an important sentiment to you.

It feels very natural to me, that a metal band not only plays hard, but also views hard. With my current understanding of the music I´m doing, I certainly wouldn't settle for less, in any way. This is my chosen lifestyle. Metal music in general is dominated by trends, which is understandable, but spoils the danger and excitement levels of this kinda music completely. I´ll be honest with you, I rarely even listen to new doom anymore. I do still get excited when I hear something totally ass-ripping, like the new Caskets Open album, for an example, but mostly you can predict the moves of the bands, even their behavior. The whole thing is just like my mom making a metal band, and as much as I love my mom, she´s not cut out for this. I feel I need to look elsewhere if I want inspiration. I´m over 30, but I´m still a rebel. I just don´t feel it enough.

Are you coming across many acts that are going their own way, perhaps even a little misunderstood? We’d love to know about bands in Finland, in particular, that have earned your respect and patronage.

Well, just to make it short by recommending some Finnish bands you might not know about: Caskets Open, Seremonia, Kohti Tuhoa, Vinum Sabbatum, Slave Hands, Chestburster and why don´t you also check out the Lithuanian band Hellhookah, because so far Arnas is the only one staying up and downing vodka later than I do! Great people, great band.

Coalition of the Anathematized by Cardinals Folly / Church of Void / Acolytes of Moros

Cardinals Folly has been prolific, releasing a new full-length every two years. Last year, you brought us virtually two albums worth of songs, if you include that fantastic split with Church of Void and Acolytes of Moros. Are you tapped out or do you have more songs in the works for us? If so, it would be amazing if you could give us a hint about the material you’re toying with.

Well, I would never consider us being “tapped out” at this point, regardless of the song situation, since we´re hungry and nasty bastards, one of the few bands actually living the shit! Every week we do something, be it rehearsal, studio, a live gig, or just sitting at a bar together, getting nutty ideas.

And to back this up, I will humbly say that our fourth album, Deranged Pagan Sons, which will wipe the floor with all our previous works, will be released in the fall of 2017 on CD via Nine Records and LP via Topillo Records. Fresh start with couple of up-and-coming Euro labels and the very finest we can offer. Eight tracks and 48 minutes of brutal, barbaric, heavy, in-your-face doom metal. The songs are the best, the sound is the best, and for the first fucking time ever, I don´t really even hate my vocals.

That’s awesome news! I think I speak for many when I say I can't wait to give the new record a spin. As we wrap up the conversation, anything you'd like to share with fans, or at least those who by now are becoming curious?

Later this year, you gotta face our new album in all its power. Join the doom metal cult Cardinals Folly and its ventures. Ride with the doomed ones! Retreating from it doesn´t do good for your metal credibility, so I suggest you open yourselves to it. Dance with the devil. It can´t be ignored anymore. We are going to blow off some steam and live to win, even if some boring jerks keep saying it´s a sin.

Thank you for spending time with me and the Doomed & Stoned readers!

The pleasure was all mine, and will be.

Follow The Band.

Get Their Music.

[swelldomains]

Digital Immigrants Helping to Build a Digital Nation

A instead silly fixation has actually created in our 'digital' globe today: that there is some type of divide between those who are 'digital natives,' and also those that are not.

Worse, some feel that there is no higher compliment to pay someone than to describe them as a digital local ... which it's perfectly acceptable to disregard 'non-natives' as in some way outré.

With the possible exception of Nicolas Sarkozy, that language is no much longer acceptable in the real world of constructing genuine nations. And a good idea, too.

Immigrant Nation

Little Italy...

Rocco Rossi, a previous Toronto mayoral candidate and previous Head of state of the Liberal Celebration of Canada, recently told a touching tale concerning his uncle's challenging beginnings as an 18-year-old Italian immigrant to Canada in 1951, landing at Pier 21 in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Later, after the uncle had damaged this fresh ground, others from his household and also the inadequate farming area he had emigrated from made the journey throughout. Today, 350 people from that neighborhood now call Greater Toronto home.

What struck me regarding the tale had not been concerning how various most of us are, but rather, the similarities. Outside of First Nations and also (now) a fairly little portion of those descended from those that showed up early, in the 16th as well as 17th centuries, the majority of Canadians are first, 2nd, and also 3rd generation immigrants. And many have moms and dads or grandparents that can associate tales of what life was like trying to obtain developed 'off the watercraft.'

Yet we frequently deny these similarities. Established immigrant teams typically aren't as inviting as they could be of the newer ones. The most recent ones cannot recognize the dull society of the well-known team. As well as the reputable, however still relatively new, groups like the Italians as immortalized by novelist Nino Ricci, desire to convey a Goldilocksian top quality of being not as well fresh, and also not as well stagnant, not delighting in the complete advantages of the establishment but not destitute anymore.

Everyone jockeying for placement - and also lobbing subtle putdowns at groups that showed up on a different watercraft. When in truth, we're all in the exact same boat.

The Digital Nation

That got me thinking about the "Digital Nation."

In Digital Nation, the chronology is in reverse: the newer generations are the 'citizens,' the older generations supposedly the uncomfortable, unpredictable 'immigrants.'

The Digital Nation...

In this version of truth, there is a shocking quantity of displaying around that qualifies to function as well as prosper in the sector. If you didn't just get here, possibly you're as well set in your means to really 'obtain it.' (As Dilbert when aptly shared, the older tech employee could be changed by the younger tech employee, that could subsequently be changed by a 'unborn child.')

Or on the various other hand, if you arrive far too late, maybe all the great get-rich-fast possibilities (Microsoft millionaires, Google worker # 76, obtained an excellent gig at Facebook 3 years ago) will certainly be gone!]

All of it is nonsense…

The Digital Generation Gap

At most ideal, this department offers to remind us of how younger individuals think, or ways to drop old baggage from our business techniques in order to gauge range, networks, and also the rate and also power of the info revolution.

Crossing the divide...

At its worst, it assigns excessive credit rating to any individual who merely shows comfort with using their new tablet, and also that could string a few buzzwords together from Silicon Valley startup culture.

And this underestimates simply exactly how strong the digital divide still is even among young, educated people under 25. There are those that make use of Facebook as well as jargons, and after that, those who can grasp sophisticated shows languages (as well as comply with official scholastic research study, at the very least for a while) to address hard troubles. The substantial majority of 'electronic citizens' are passive fans of the productions as well as improvements headed by a driven, accomplished few.

It's unsurprising to this Gen-X' er that it's often baby boomers who appear obsessed with electronic natives, and even desire to be viewed as digital locals. These are the ones who write books on ways to recognize those that are born electronic, or tweet constantly concerning this application or that.

How do they ever before get anything done? Some of it's downright weird, when you look closely.

Faking It Till You Make It

Most achieved individuals can take advantage of digital innovation as well as digital society - regardless of whether they are in the ideal age brace or straight able to code in the current languages. And also they do so in interesting ways.

Most notably, if they fake-it-till-they-make it hard sufficient, they're left with legions of followers that casually throw around discusses of usages of their systems as methods of faking-it-even-harder. Perhaps a few examples will certainly allow clarify.

Take Matt Drudge, publisher of a page of web links I do not know exactly what making of called the Drudge Report:

Drudge has commonly been lauded as a leader of the fast-moving electronic national politics press. Evaluating only by his age, he could have had a Commodore Pet dog in college, and also he can also do a mean pantomime of a rotating dial phone. Drudge's dad is an electronic leader, having started an on the internet study shop called refdesk. Drudge is an unlikely hero, offered that the style of his site was in fact ripped off from his Dad's.

But then once more, Techmeme's aggregation style was torn off from Drudge. It seems our heroes obtain unlikelier and also unlikelier with each passing generation.

And what about Arianna Huffington The queen of the vaguely dynamic soft-scraper empire referred to as the Huffington Blog post, is an effectively off Child Boomer. I make sure she goes to fantastic initiative to look laid-back when she utilizes her smart device (without reading glasses).

Then there's Nick Denton founder of Gawker Media. He's a splendidly creative business owner and also always exact commentator on the state of our industry. Denton is an authority of breathless, shameless, bawdy blogging.

Today's chatter is tomorrow's news

But did you recognize that Denton left his task as a financial reporter to launch just what was basically a kind of venture internet search engine modern technology? A news collector called Additionally, among a pack of very early solutions planned to transform the archaic technique of 'news clipping solutions' on its head. Denton acts all casual, but it takes a whole lot of deep understanding of the info transformation to develop a successful start-up that changes just how business works.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg started up something not so dissimilar to Denton's business, unlike the mildly wealthy Denton, Bloomberg got very abundant off it. Bloomberg is still a global information realm, majority-owned by Michael Bloomberg, regardless of being pre-Web in its genesis. It was started in 1981, around the same time Microsoft created MS-DOS.

A fellow named Alan Meckler belonged to a team who began up conferences with names like Internet Globe back in the early 1990's. He later went on to own companies with names like Internet.com. Before all that, he was associated with 'information changes' on media like CD-Roms. He is around 70 years old.

Google is stocked with young, wise coders. They're likewise filled with skilled Ph.D's, directed by many Silicon Valley elders, as well as have actually typically had their butts kicked by a seasoned company advisor called Costs Campbell, who not just holds a Master's level, yet was train of the Columbia University football team in the 1970's, VP of Advertising with Apple, as well as much more just recently, CEO as well as Chairman of Intuit. For every one of these factors, Googlers dubbed him 'Train.'

Sheryl Sandberg, also a vital number in the early days of Google's procedures as well as the ethical conscience of its advertising program, is currently COO of Facebook. She pertained to Google with a background in seeking advice from at McKinsey, and as an upper-level official in the Treasury Department under the Clinton Administration. Her role at Facebook has actually been so critical to the business's survival and profitability that her total (mainly stock-based) payment (until now) is valued at better compared to $1B.

Turning to non-media companies.

Amazon.com, led by the irrepressible Jeff Bezos, is today an $83 billion firm. Bezos began Amazon in 1994. He is a true digital pioneer as well as enthusiast. Yet he is not a 'digital indigenous' by today's meaning, neither was he viewed as an especially accomplished techie.

Like Steve Jobs, Bezos found out a great deal on the task, though he knew sufficient in 1994 to write job descriptions for established coders. He came down from Wall Street with a vision as well as implemented it with an outlandish degree of obsession to information. Amazon.com is so influential that its simplicity of usage ended up being a darkness under which all ecommerce suppliers lived for years.

Groupon is a 'laughable' development by a cabal of tech-agnostic financiers that take place to have actually made fairly a dent in the market. It's a digital company, kind of. Movie critics of the business appear to really feel that by slamming the company for 'not being actually electronic,' they could in some way talk down its evaluation. Best of luck with that said! Current appraisal: $11.4 billion. I'm not a follower of Groupon myself, yet it's extremely real.

How numerous various other examples would certainly you like?

In cloud computer and also SaaS, middle-aged to older conglomerates like IBM, Xerox, Oracle, and so on compose a substantial part of the value of the US stock exchanges. Also Salesforce.com, the 'startup,' is also mature to be amazing to the amazing youngsters. However it deserves $20.7 billion. Its 47-year-old founder, Marc Benioff, cut his teeth at business at Apple as well as Oracle after developing a software application firm in high school, selling games for machines like the Atari.

Digital Elders

' It's the wood that must fear your hand, not vice versa.' -Pai Mei

What's my verdict? Well, I don't suggest to reject the noticeable: that it could be a great benefit to be born right into the digital change. Several new and also important solutions will certainly be begun up by those that involve the table with a lot of the appropriate prerequisites in terms of understanding as well as disposition.

But 'digital immigrants' like Jeff Bezos, Michael Bloomberg, Marc Benioff, as well as Arianna Huffington bring something special to the table as well:

They create ventures and address problems self-consciously instead of intuitively. Perhaps it's 'you state tomato, and also I state tomahto,' but those who can bring aware, organized effort right into an area typically get to elevations that the plain virtuoso cannot.

More exceptionally, they understand just what's absolutely effective and game-changing about a fad or technology, and could evangelize that adjustment to those who aren't sure.

They could be ready to work harder, be more stressed, remain the course seemingly forever on a lengthy march to monotonous greatness.

And one more thing. Due to the fact that they're not captured up in the 'social scene' of 'being digital,' the 'digital immigrants' are suitable to inform the truth.

Alan Meckler, that somehow does not have a Wikipedia access (though his business does), uploaded merely and also directly: 'Wikipedia is a Farce' as well as Wikipedia is Dishonest:. And also just what did he need to lose? Lunch with Jimmy Wales?

Digital Nation Building

There is going to be much worth and an extraordinary amount of fresh cultural outcome rising from Digital Nation in the coming years. However Digital Country needs - desperately requires - the equilibrium, official academic histories, framework, greed, worries, planning experience, bridging abilities, and also irreverence of its 'electronic immigrants.' (' Immigrants' who represent, paradoxically, the older generations of technologies and also economic go-getters from worlds far, much away - specifically, previous years like the 1990's, 1980's, and also when it comes to IBM, long before that.)

Were you aware that good ol' Microsoft (MSFT, at $273B) is still valued more than Google to this day? Crazy, right? Resting pleasantly in the list of top 10 business by market capitalization in the Criterion as well as Poor's 500: IBM, at $238B. Google's holding its own at $203B. Facebook, after it goes public, is expected to be valued at $100B. We'll see if they have exactly what it requires to maintain. It's actually prematurely to say.

Or to sum it up most briefly: Zuckerberg, Schmuckerberg.