#killua's rule always bothered me for some reason so i tried to think of the most logical explanation

[telehxhtrash]

“I don’t thank my friends” : HxH meta.

I think everyone in the fandom was a bit confused when Killua blurted out of nowhere to Ikalgo that "I won't say thank you next time something like this happens". I know I was left a bit confused as to where that came from. Sure, Killua's point stands, friends shouldn't need to thank other friends because it's normal to help each other. But why did Killua create this "i don't thank my friends" rule seemingly out of nowhere, and if he doesn't thank his friends, why did Killua thank Gon before parting ?

To me, it has to do with his sense of self and his feelings of unworthiness to stay by Gon's side.

I wanted to explain my take on this matter, so if you're interested, enjoy your read !

EDIT: hi, once again, my past comes back to haunt me..... i wrote this meta post a while ago and i don’t really agree with what i wrote anymore. i feel like the main reason Killua thanked Gon was because he felt like they weren’t friends anymore, because he doubted his place next to him and felt like Gon didn’t consider him as a friend. I wrote a post about this so I invite you to read it if you’re interested, but basically, Killua feared Gon only saw him as a teammate, as an acquaintance. But he still wanted to thank him for everything he did for him before parting, and technically speaking, if Gon doesn’t consider him a friend, then he could thank him while still not breaking his rule...So in my opinion, Killua thanks Gon because he thinks Gon doesn’t consider him as a friend, so he’s not breaking his rule while still expressing the gratitude he needed to express.

With that being said, if you’re still interested in my old pov on this subject, then enjoy your read! But please take everything I say below with a grain of salt, because like I said, I feel like this is not the real reason Killua thanked Gon before parting.

In CAA, we saw Killua develop an intense devotion for Gon, putting Gon above anything else and going through hell to make sure he can be of help to him. But those newfound feelings of love and devotion towards Gon only made his sense of self-worth plummet. How could someone like me stay alongside someone so bright ? If Gon is light itself, does that make me darkness ? How could I ever repay someone who has changed my life so drastically for the better ?

Killua never felt worthy of staying by Gon's side, and his sense of worth comes from how useful he can be to Gon. That's why in Greed Island he sacrificed his hands to help Gon, that's why he's constantly making sure Gon gets his way in CAA, and that's why his last dying thoughts after having faced the Ortho siblings would have been "I'm sorry Gon, I couldn't be of any use".

The "Gon, you are light scene" highlights pretty well how Killua views himself compared to Gon. To him, Gon is light itself, he shines so bright that he can't look directly at him. But is it still okay to stay at his side ? Is it okay for someone like him, someone born in darkness, someone whose past is so shameful and who could never ever bring anything positive to Gon to stay by his side ? Isn't it selfish ?

Of course, we saw in CAA that if Killua thinks there's ever the slightest chance his staying with Gon would put him in danger, Killua wouldn't hesitate to leave. That's why when Bisky tells him that he will ultimately leave Gon to die, he decides that it's best to leave Gon.

But at the end of the day, Killua doesn't want to leave Gon, ever. Gon is his ray of sunshine, and even though it's selfish of him, he can't help but want to stay by his side forever.

Those conflicting feelings of not being worthy enough for Gon but still wanting to stay by his side are what leads him to ultimately break free from his family's control and removing the needle when faced in a very high-stake situation.

After the removal of the needle, Killua feels free, and feels like maybe he isn't as weak as he thought, and maybe there's the slightest chance that he could stay by Gon's side. But to him, to stay by Gon's side, he has to earn it.

All of these thoughts about his self-worth, all of his self-deprecation and feelings of unworthiness of staying by such a bright person's side are a factor into why Killua refuses to thank his friends. Killua is projecting his insecurities onto his other friends. Let me explain.

We saw Gon thank Killua twice in the manga. The first time was on Greed Island, when Gon thanks Killua for staying by his side even though he has the choice to leave and do his own thing. Killua is EXTREMELY flustered by this sudden burst of affection.

The second time is in CAA, after Killua takes Gon to safety after their encounter with Pitou. Gon thanks Killua for saving him, and tells him that what he did was the right thing. Once again, Killua is very flustered.

Now, we all know that Killua did all these things because he loves Gon and cares for him a lot. He's staying by his side... just to be by his side. He has no other reason to follow him around other than enjoying his company. All he wants is to stay by Gon's side, and that's all there is to it.

But when Gon thanks Killua, it makes him feel like absolute crap. In his own words, "it's nothing special to help your friends". Killua went to Greed Island with Gon because he wanted to, not because he was under any obligation. Killua saved Gon from Pitou because he loves him, and saving him was the NORMAL thing to do. 

So when Gon thanks him for these actions that Killua CHOSE to do, it makes him feel like Gon doesn't realize that Killua is doing all of this for HIM. Not out of any obligation, not out of some sort of moral code of friendship, Killua is doing this because it's Gon, and he wants to do these things for him.

To Killua, Gon thanking him is like he's not acknowledging his feelings of being there for Gon only because it's Gon. Killua is desperate for him to acknowledge the fact that he's here for him. When Gon thanks him on Greed Island, and he's extremely flustered, he's probably thinking something along the lines of "no need to thank me, i'm here out of my own will, i'm here because i want to stay with you". And Killua is DESPERATE for Gon to realize that all Killua wants is to stay with him. 

The second time Gon thanks him, same thing happens. Killua saved him because he cares for him, so why is Gon thanking him?? It was something he did out of his own will, because he loves Gon, because he's his best friend and he wants to keep him safe so there's nothing to thank him for it was a NORMAL thing to do because he cares about him !!

Killua wishes Gon would see that he's doing everything he's doing out of love for him, that he's doing everything he's doing because it's a normal thing to do, so please, please, please there's no need to say thank you. That it's not something special to help him, he's literally just doing it out of care for Gon. He's desperate for validation and recognition that everything he's doing is out of love for Gon, and his lack of self-worth makes this issue even worse. If Gon is thanking him for normal things, then that certainly means he must not value him as much as Killua values Gon.

CAA Killua struggles a lot with his self-worth and how much Gon truly values him. Maybe he doesn't value him as much as he thought, if he's thanking him for normal things friends do for each other then maybe to Gon they aren't even truly friends. Sprinkle Killua's blossoming feelings for Gon, and the entire Palm situation and Killua's jealousy in regards to that, and you get the mess that is Killua's sense of self-worth.

So when Killua meets another friend, he projects his feelings onto them, and creates this rule. "I don't thank my friends, because it's normal to help each other out". This is projection at its finest. Killua WISHES Gon would never thank him because everything he's doing is normal. So to compensate, he projects these feelings onto Ikalgo, and eventually Palm. Everything he's saying, about how friends don't need to thank each other because helping each other out is the normal thing to do, are projections of what he wishes Gon would realize. He wishes Gon was the one to never thank him for normal things.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when Killua realized that he was just as important to Gon as he is to Killua, but I truly believe that when comes the time to separate, Killua knows how much Gon cares for him. He knows that he's the most important person in Gon's life, and that Gon is extremely grateful to have him by his side. 

He also realized that Gon knew that he stayed by his side out of love for him, and not because he only wanted to help him find his dad. Gon knew of Killua's devotion to him, knew that Killua did everything he did only because it's Gon, but he still decided to thank him. 

And Killua realized that the reason Gon thanked him wasn't because he didn't acknowledge Killua's feelings, but it's precisely because he knew how much Killua cares for him that he decided to thank him. 

Killua thought that Gon thanking him was a sign that he didn't recognize how important Gon is to him. But it's the literal opposite. Killua doesn't have to stay with Gon, and Gon knows that. That's why he's constantly expressing how grateful he is for Killua. Because thanking him for normal things is the best thing he can do to express how grateful he is to have Killua by his side.

And that's why Killua's rule of "I don't thank my friends" crumbles, and he thanks Gon before they part. Because Gon knows that everything Killua did for his sake was the "normal thing to do", but yet he still thanked him. And if Gon knows how deeply Killua cares for him, but still thanks him, then surely he can thank him too. Because it's important to show appreciation for things friends do for you, even if they're deemed "normal things to do".

TLDR : Killua's "i don't thank my friends" rule is him projecting his feelings, sparked by his lack of self worth and his need for reassurance concerning his place next to Gon and his need for validation and acknowledgement of his new-found blossoming feelings towards him. (he pretty much just wishes gon would understand how much he loves him)

[shimmy-sham-with-the-fam]

Hunting X For X Bruises: Chap. 1

Prologue is here!

Next

The first chapter to the fan fic I posted earlier. This is my first attempt at any sort of a fight scene, and the scene itself is kinda short.

I hope I’m getting the characters right... I would hate to write them OOC :/

I hope you enjoy~!

Just like before, the chapter will be under the cut because it’s so long.

Warnings!- there will be a bit of violence. Some blood. I don’t think it’s anything too incredibly bad, but just in case! 

words: 2016

Rate: T 

Summary: An AU where the bruises and cuts of a soulmate appear on the skin. Gon becomes increasingly worried about his soulmate as he gets tattooed with new marks everyday, and hopes to find the person soon. Killua, on the other hand, has been brainwashed by his family to believe that the spots on his skin are a curse from the person who plans to target and kill him, as they believe learning about a soulmate would make him soft during jobs.

Chapter 1: Escape X by a X Sliver

Killua's mother had called him to her living quarters. This could only ever be for three reasons.

1. He was in trouble.

2. He was about to get an earful of the usual “heir to family business” spiel.

3. He had a job.

The young assassin had a relative idea as to what her topic would be, considering the events that had taken place the night before. Most likely, the third option would not even be within her train of thought.

Although he knew what she wanted, he didn't feel like listening to what she had to say at all. Maybe he should just skip out on her. It’s not like he hadn’t done so in the past, and having a few minutes to himself in the woods of the Zoldyck estate would be far more entertaining than listening to his mother speak.

But alas, his mother had gotten smart, and posted butlers all throughout the path to her room. Each suited body kept a careful eye on their young master; ready to detain the teen if need be. She had specifically ordered them to keep him in line as much as physically possible, although it’s not as if he couldn’t handle the butlers. They were all strong of course; but they still needed vigorous training if they ever hoped to maintain a position as a butler of the prestigious assassin family. But Killua knew they were a fresh batch of employees, and they still had much to learn. His stone cobalt eyes were not blind to the slightest gleam of innocence they still had left in their eyes. It would be broken in about another two to three days. The orders they had now were probably just a test.

Killua arrived to the tall mahogany doors. The blockades had no intricate carvings or brands, just simple concaves into the wood. They had been polished almost every day since they arrived in the Zoldyck mansion almost a month ago.

“Hey,” Killua yelled, hoping he sounded as bored as what he already felt before even entering her quarters. “I’m here.”

The doors creaked open slowly, revealing the spacious room that hid inside. Her living space was nothing short of the prim and proper showcase that she always presented herself to be. To the left, stood a butler, but one Killua favored quite a bit; Gotoh. The butler had been working within the ties of the Zoldyck family for years, and more than once had proven to be a strong ally for them.

The majority of the room was filled with a bed covered in layers of draperies and fine deep red velvets. Killua never quite understood her taste in beddings. He was always satisfied with a simple thin blanket and a nice, fluffy pillow. It was probably just another way of showcasing her status to herself and any of the few other souls in existence that could venture into the room.

Killua heard his mother’s voice appear from his right. His eyes trailed the voice, and found his mother perched in the chair that placed at the side the bed. It was an intricate lounge chair; matching the shades of red of the velvets that outlined her bed with plush cushions to comfort her. Killua wanted to barf from all the rich silks that filled his eyesight. “Kil, is that any way to enter your mother’s quarters?”

Killua shrugged. “What is it?” He wanted to cut to the chase and leave as soon as possible.

The woman inhaled deeply, “I hear you tried to run outside of the estate last night.” her voice rose.

The addressed boy slouched with his hands deep in the pockets of his shorts. “And if I did?”

“What were your reasons?” She opened her elegant feathered fan and waved out lightly next to her porcelain face.

“Nothing in particular, really.” he huffed.

“It is not permitted for you to leave the estate unless you have a job or you are escorted, you know these rules very well.”

“Sure, sure. Whatever. Is that all?” He turned around and was ready to exit the room.

Kikyo’s voice boomed loudly into his ears. “Killua!”

He found himself furrowing his eyebrows before looking back at her in annoyance. He didn’t get the chance to answer before his mother sounded off once more.

“You are the heir to the family business; running away like that will ruin your career! You will not continue to disobey the rules like this! I will not permit it!”

Killua found himself staring at her angrily. He had frankly had enough of her constant nagging and blabbing. He could care less about being the heir to the assassin throne. Frankly, he was tired of killing and he was tired of being controlled all the time. His eyes snapped violently, glazing over dangerously. “I could honestly care less,” he began.

Kikyo gnashed her teeth together; partly out of pure love for the ominous look in her son’s cold orbs, partly because she was furious at his defiance. Her mixed emotions caused a rupture within; spitting a bladed fan against the window behind her. The contact smashing the glass in sharp pieces and scattering on the polished tile.

“Kil-” She had begun reaching out to him, but stopped herself. She received a delightfully spiteful glare from her young son. He was currently reaching for one of the shards of glass from the floor.

“Gotoh…” his eyes trailed toward the butler on the other side of the room. The faithful butler tensed at the spitting mention of his name. Gotoh had been preparing to knock the young Zoldyck unconscious if he became too violent against his mother. “Don’t interfere.”

Fingers curled around the sharp piece of glass, which bit deep into his skin. If he would have grabbed the shard in the same way about six to eight years ago, the child would have yelped out in pain. But he was used to pain. He still felt it, but it didn’t pierce his nerves like it used to. He could at least thank his family for that much.

His mother prepared for what she could only assume to be an onslaught. Her son, she realized, was at a blossoming rebellious age. She knew it was bound to happen eventually, but for him to be this deep was both exciting and terrifying. He was becoming quite unpredictable, and this was what made her realize that maybe a fair amount of discipline was due.

It was perfectly normal to have a rebellious phase.

It was not perfectly normal for it to get this far.

Killua knew that what he was getting ready to do was probably not the brightest idea he’d conjured up. To attack the woman who raised him was laughable in his mind. It meant that she had years of experience on him and furthermore, knew his strengths and weaknesses. But he reminded himself that he was tired; tired of being used and tired of being controlled. In this moment he figured, stupid or not, he was done.

He was done with everything.

“Mother,” he began to pace rhythmically around, creating an illusion of clones about himself. His father taught him this technique, and although his mother had never bothered learning it, she knew very well how it worked. “I guess I’ll at least give you an apology.”

His armed left hand lunged towards her heart, knowing full well that it wouldn’t make contact with it’s target. Another fan held by feminine fingers swooped in front of her body, blocking the attack and capturing the makeshift blade within her fabric decoration. It was immediately closed and twisted, causing the shard of glass to slice deep into Killua’s hand before being roughly flung from his grip.

White hair flashed behind her, connecting a sharp kick into her back. Killua’s mother breathed in thickly, trying to capture the oxygen that was lost during his attack. She jumped forward and quickly put distance between the two of them. “Kil, stop this at once!!”

Killua’s smile was devilish, his eyes sunken more and more into the very darkness his family had created. “Why? Don’t you like what you’ve created, mother? Take a good look, because you’re not gonna see it for a very long time.” He gripped another piece of glass from the floor with the same bloodied hand as before, letting it nest in the already cut flesh.

Once again, he sped toward the woman, elongating his fingernails on his right hand and began slashing them at her violently. Kikyo quickly dodged his clawed attempts, but was quickly backed into the farthest left corner of her bedroom. By the time she realized she was backed into a corner, it was too late for her to notice her position. As soon as she connected against the cold wall, Killua brought the jagged shard and stabbed it into the bottom of her jaw. A piercing scream escaped the lips of his mother.

Killua jumped back and staggered a bit, even surprised at himself for what he had just done. But he realized that now that he had gotten this far, he should finish what he started. He was not interested in killing her; just interested in escaping.

“Gotoh, grab the nurse and have her treated. And don’t send anyone after me!”

“... As you wish.” Gotoh kept a straight face as he proceeded to contact a nurse to attend to the now wounded Kikyo Zoldyck.

Killua heard blood curdling laughter behind him as the assassin exited quickly. Her shrills of pain were in a tone meant to sound like delight. He assumed she was happy with how much he had grown, but soon she would become furious with his leaving. Leave it to his mother to laugh hysterically after being stabbed in the face...

He needed to find information quickly and escape before his father or grandfather caught wind of the situation at hand. He knew they were both on jobs, but when they got a call about a runaway son and an injured mother, they’d be home in an instance. ‘So much for waiting and getting stronger…’

The small silverette jumped down the flights of steps leading to the bedroom located on the first floor of the mansion. He cut the corners quickly, and once he landed in front of his brother’s door, he pounded the door open. “Milluki! I need you to tell me a way to get information as quickly as possible! Tell me now!” the demands flew out of his quivering mouth.

The plump belly of his brother spun in his computer chair; his slanted eyes locked on his inconvenient younger brother. “Kil, I’m busy,” slanted eyes settled back onto his many computer monitors. “Go away-”

The older brother did not get a chance to finish his demand, for a sliver of glass came pulsing into his left thigh, causing him to shriek loudly. Make that a runaway son, an injured mother, and a mixture of the two.

“Tell me, now. Before I drill this glass into your thick skull.”

“Y-you brat…” he huffed, inhaling sharply  but trying not to move, as his side felt entirely too tender. Killua immediately removed the sharp shard and aimed it for his brother’s head, knowing that his brother would be too cowardly to fight back and instantly give in to him.

“Okay, okay! If you want access to unknown information, you gotta become a hunter!” He whimpered meekly. “The exam is said to be super hard and a rookie passing is nearly impossible! But the rewards a hunter gets is said to be well worth the trouble! That’s the best I can give you!”

Killua pushed away from his brother. His feet carried him to the doorway as he yelled a quick “Sounds fun! Thanks, bro!” He never looked back to see if his heavy set brother replied back.

Now his mind was made up. He was going to take the exam and become a hunter. Then he would find the person who was responsible for the cursed bruises that were not dealt to his own body.

And he’d kill them.

After that, he wasn’t quite sure.

But he was positive about one thing; he’d live his own life from now on.