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slasherholic · 4 years ago

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MADDIE... DEATHSLINGER GUNPLAY...

OKAY

synopsis: you deepthroat an evil cowboy so he doesn’t blow your brains to smithereens

warnings: dubcon/implied noncon, threats of violence

The Deathslinger x Reader | Gunplay + Blowjob

Just a few more inches. Just a few more inches. Just a few.

You reach out in front of you again, fingers splayed as they meet splintered wood, huffing as you drag yourself another inch across the floor of the Saloon. Your eyes flutter closed as puffs of unsettled dust swirl around your face. A tickle builds in your throat and you can’t stop it—pain screams through your shoulders and swells in your chest as your body seizes with a cough. The warm red seeping from your abdomen glistens like rubies on the floorboards and in the dirt. The smell of your own blood is nauseating.

Reason tells you that in fleeing from him, you are only prolonging your own torture; but your body, stubbornly, refuses to roll over and die. And so you crawl.

You tell yourself things as you crawl. Hopeful things. Maybe if you can just make it around the corner of the bar, or wedge yourself beneath the table, your death will be swift. The Entity will take you in a sharp, sudden pain—impersonal, merciful—and that will be it. You won’t be left with one more nightmare to bear at the campfire.

Your face pulls into a grimace as your fingers meet wood again. All your muscles flex as you prepare to pull yourself along across the filthy floor, just a few more inches...

...you can’t.

You can’t because your shirt has snagged on a nail jutting out from between old splintered floorboards. Fate has damned you to this spot.

Letting your head thump against the wood, you stare with glassy eyes up at the piano plucking along without a player. Its ghoulish, heavy notes flood the saloon, unnatural in a way that churns your stomach.

You are already beginning to fade when you hear his boots clacking up the stairs outside the Saloon. Somewhere behind you, rusted double-doors squeal open.

The clacking stops and his shadow engulfs your body. He clicks his tongue dryly. You wince and choke back a sob when his bootheel comes down between your shoulders, digging in deep.

“Reckon it wouldn’t ‘ave been so hard to stay put right where I left you,” Caleb jests, beginning to reload his gun, slow and deliberate. “‘stead of snakin’ around the whole place.”

His voice is gravelly, cruel as a knife. You’ve heard him speak once or twice before but his words are always overshadowed by his other sounds; the explosion of a musket, the whizzing of a deadly bolt tearing through the air—and that dry, mirthless laughter.

You’ve come to accept a harsh truth in the Entity’s realm; some killers carry out their task mechanically, impersonally, as though running on a program. Other killers enjoy watching you bleed and die.

It became apparent very quickly which breed of murderer Caleb was. You carry his vicious laughter in your mind even when you sleep.

When Caleb speaks again, something in his voice tells you he’s talking at you, rather than to you, like a hunter studying a lifeless buck.

“Impressive y’even managed to get as far as ya did, considerin’ how much yer leakin’.”

He prods you suddenly with the bayonet tip of his gun, just beneath your ribs—right where he shot you. You cough hideously, writhing beneath his boot. He presses down harder until you lie still.

“Was proud of that shot.”

Go to hell, you want to spit at him. You might if you were braver. This is not a man whose mercy you want to test. Instead, you pray that when his gloating is finished, he fires that bolt straight through your head.

“But, seein’ as you got some fight still left in you,” The pressure in your back ebbs as Caleb lowers the gun. “How ‘bout an offer.”

You are far too weak to be surprised by his words, far too tired. It is obvious from just his tone that the “offer” is not really an offer. Whatever he has in mind, you are going to participate.

“Now, a man has certain needs, and not all of ‘em he can provide on his lonesome, try as he might.”

A short, dry chuckle builds in Caleb’s throat. Your world dips in and out of focus, the playerless piano now a hazy blur of black and white. You consider his meaning; certain needs. Alright, you understand. You know what he wants. And you are certainly not above whoring yourself out to a murderer for the promise of an easy death.

“Get up on your knees.” Comes the demand, gruff and sudden, any hint of that false laughter sucked dry in an instant.

“And turn around so I can look atcha.”

You suck a deep breath into your lungs before you comply. You grunt hard as you push yourself up on your knees, shuffling slowly around in a circle until you face him. Tears spring to your eyes. You don’t want to look up at him; you do anyway.

Caleb wears the grin of a fox. His face bears cunning, vulpine features. The brim of his hat dips low over his brow and nearly shades his eyes from view in the dirty light of the saloon—but you can just see them, can just make out their sinister white glow. The effect is utterly inhuman.

And yet, clearly, this man is not without human urges.

You can’t help it when your eyes stray to his groin. His arousal strains his trousers. You want to be sick, but can’t quite muster the strength for it.

“Course, you already know what you’re gonna do, dontcha?” Caleb mutters, seeming to notice where your attention has drifted. Your eyes fall to the floor.

“There’s a clock on the wall over there.” He gestures his gun to the far wall of the saloon.

“Don’t know if it works quite like where I come from—lots o’ things don’t seem to work right in this place, but ain’t none o’ my concern. You got ‘till that little hand strikes three to get me satisfied.”

He settles the spear of his gun against your forehead. The tip digs sharply into your skin, wetting you with fresh blood.

“Else I pull this trigger.”

You see it happening in your mind, so vividly—your skull splitting like an eggshell, your brains spraying out the back, staining the bar behind you with chunks of pink and red. Your vision swims.

It doesn’t feel like you should be speaking to Caleb. It feels wrong on the most primitive level. You lick your dried lips and force the words out anyway.

“What do I get?” You rasp. “If I do?”

Caleb stares at you from beneath the brim of his hat, almost caught off guard. Then, something sinister curls across his face.

“What do you get?” He laughs again. It’s not as dry this time—there’s a hint of genuine amusement. “Well, that hatch o’course. I’ll take you straight to it.” Your mouth twists with disbelief.

Caleb’s hand flies from the barrel of his spear gun, gripping your chin harshly. He tweaks your jaw until you look him in the eye.

“What—think I’m lyin’?”

Your silence speaks a thousand words. The tears tickle as they slip down your cheeks. Of course you don’t believe him; you aren’t stupid.

Caleb shakes his head, rapping your jaw with his index finger.

“I’m a man of my word. But I s’pose you’ll just have to trust me, seein’ as that clock is already tickin’.”

When those words leave his lips, the decision is easy, and you hate yourself for it. You’re going to suck this vile man off like you god damn mean it.

Your fingers tremble violently as you reach forward to scrabble around the leather of his belt. Undoing his pants, you pull the last button so hard that it rips from its fabric, rolling away across the floorboards.

Caleb’s dick is long, the base of it completely unshaven. The flushed head already beads with pearlescent precum—he’s enjoying this.

You turn off your thoughts as you grip his hips. Dipping forward, trying to ignore the barrel of the gun pressed damningly against your forehead, you wrap your lips tight around the tip.

Caleb grunts. He throbs against your tongue, filling you more than you were prepared for. You choke back a tearful gag and begin to suck obediently, bobbing your head back and forth. The man above you lets loose a hard breath. Widening his stands, he slants his hips impatiently forward, pushing more of himself into your mouth. Your eyes begin to water fiercely; the point of the gun against your skull is a dull numb ache now, secondary to the pain of breathlessness. Caleb seizes a fistful of your hair, forcing you to be full of him. Spit begins to drip down your chin. He holds you in place while you choke on his dick.

With a throaty growl, his hold eases. You cough violently as you pull away from his groin. Glistening saliva strings between his shaft and your lips. Taking him in your mouth again, you swallow down his cock until it bulges in your throat. He fists your hair in one hand, muttering curses.

“Deeper.” He snarls, fingering the trigger of his rifle. You obey. Your chin meets his balls, wet and warm with drool. You bob on him breathlessly. In and out. In and out. If the playerless piano still hammers away, you can’t hear it beyond your own ugly gagging.

Caleb growls suddenly, deep and low in his chest. The fist in your hair snaps painfully shut. Before you realize what is happening, he has taken his release into his own hands, ramming you along his shaft. Your head jerks violently as he fucks your face. Your throat is full of him again and again.

Caleb spits out a sudden hoarse “fuck.” Hotness floods your mouth. He pulls out to gush along your tongue. You gag at his bitter taste.

The man above you pants heavily, head tilted back, eyes closed, chest rising and falling.

“Swallow it.” He hisses, clenching his teeth. “Get it all down.”

Tonguing the head of his penis, you swallow. It nearly comes back up. Caleb looks down at you and the scowl on his face deepens. You realize you’ve missed some—you can still feel a bit of wetness dribbling down the corner of your lip.

“I said all of it.”

Your tongue flits out obediently, drawing the rest of him into your mouth. The fist in your hair relaxes, and Caleb begins to stroke your head, petting you like some obedient animal. It almost feels good, you think, too tired to take it back.

“Well then,” Caleb begins, sneering. You feel your blood run cold. “Let’s see about that hatch.”

The ropes bite into the flesh of your ankles and wrists and rub your skin raw with every feeble tug. You understand now why they call your current predicament “hogtying”—because with your squirming, your squealing, the way you roll helplessly around on your belly in the dirt, envisioning yourself as a hog is easy. Beneath you, the ground gives another violent quake. It won’t be long now before the Entity claims this place.

In the end, Caleb had only been partially lying—he did carry you to the hatch.

He also tied your limbs, dropped you down like a sack of bricks mere feet away from your last chance at escape, and stomped it abruptly shut.

With tear-soaked eyes, you watched him saunter away to sink down on the steps of the Saloon, procure a rag from his pocket, and begin to wipe his rifle. He whistles now as he works, looking up at you occasionally from beneath his hat. His vicious grin flashes for just a second whenever your gaze meets.

You can tell what Caleb is thinking about every time he looks up at your tied, squirming body—that he could take you right now, right in the dirt. Maybe get a quick one in before the Entity claims you. Or maybe hunt you down later and take his time with it.

Letting your heavy eyelids flutter shut, you hope you hurry up and die already, if only to get the lingering taste of his cum out of your mouth.

#caleb quinn #the deathslinger #dead by daylight #slashers #writing #horror #fanfiction #caleb quinn x reader #reader insert #tw: dubcon

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trashy-slashy · 4 years ago

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hiya, can I get some Deathslinger x reader nsfw where he catches her stealing alcohol from the saloon and decides to teach her a lesson? like some dubcon/noncon. thanks, i'm just really thirsting for the cowboy 👀

You know what they say, save a horse ride a cowboy 🥴

Caleb QuinnxFem!Reader

NSFW/DubCon Warning

The forest surrounding the campfire was ominous, fog rolling in from every direction. Traversing the terrain was exhausting, but the camp needed supplies. You hoped to stumble upon Autohaven, picking up parts for trials, but the entity’s realm refused to make your life easier.

After wandering for God knows how long, you were greeted by warm light, the heat and humidity choking after the bitter cold of the woods. You groaned at the sight of the Old Dawg Saloon. There wasn’t going to be anything useful here. Despite your preconceptions, you snuck around the perimeter, keeping watch for any sign of this realms resident.

Caleb watched you creeping around the outskirts of the buildings from the top of the saloon. His redeemer sat in pieces on the table, the cowboy using his free time to keep it in working order. Survivors fascinated him, the torment they live through day in, day out, only growing wiser to the killers strategies. Feeling particularly benevolent, he went back to his work. There was a few toolboxes laying around for you to loot, but nothing of actual value.

A toolbox and a few lenses, was that it? You had checked the whole area, save for the large centre building. “Of course that would be where all the good stuff is” you scoffed under your breath. The Deathslinger’s presence seemed to be missing however, surely he would’ve intervened by now otherwise. The floorboards creaked obnoxiously under your feet as you climbed the stairs. He had damned well not be here.

You kicked yourself. The thought hadn’t even crossed your mind. Your belly ached at the sight of rows and rows of bottles. Whiskeys, rums among other a multitude of other spirits. Seemed like a surefire way to get on everyone’s good side. Grinning like a teenager you crept behind the bar, lifting one of the bottle from the wall. Throwing a quick glance to check for company, you unscrewed the cap, letting the liquid fall onto your tongue. It burned your throat, settling in your belly like fire. Delicious.

Caleb heard you come inside. He didn’t however expect you to start helping yourself to his stash of booze. His teeth ground together, brows furrowing in anger. The cowboy slipped out of the side room, watching from the banister. Disrespectful little... Surprisingly lithe, Caleb vaulted over the wooden barrier, landing at the end of the bar. You screamed, taken by surprise, trying to scrabble over the counter to freedom.

“No ya don’t” The Deathslinger seethed, closing the distance between you with one stride, his elbow slamming into your back, pinning you to the wooden surface. “Get off me!” You thrashed against him pointlessly, the killers strength far surpassing anything a meek survivor had. “So you can steal from me again?” He spat, tutting at the bottles strewn over the floor. “Take your trinkets ‘n’ shit but this is mine” Caleb splayed a hand across your shoulders, drinking in the sight of you bent over, completely at his mercy.

You waited with baited breath, unable to move under the cowboys grip. He chuckled darkly, shifting his grip, fingers digging into your sides. Hot breath grazed your neck, his weight pressing against you. “How would you like it if I took somethin’ of yours without askin’?” He drawled, a shiver breaking down your spine. You tried to squirm away from him again, crying out pointlessly for help. Caleb ground into your ass, his cock half-hard, growling into your ear. You kicked out at your assailant, yelping when you were rewarded with a hard smack to your upper thigh.

“Fuck you.” He grinned, slipping his hands under your shirt, tugging your bra down. Caleb palmed at your breasts, ghosting his tongue over the shell of your ear. His thumbs swiped over your nipples, the buds perking under his attention. “You survivors have no respect.” The cowboy pinched and twisted a nipple, relishing the wails that broke from your throat. “Someone’s gotta teach you some manners” Your mouth tasted of iron from where you’d been biting your lip, trying and failing to ignore the jolts of arousal his touch gave you. Fuck if the man wasn’t good with his fingers.

You whimpered involuntarily when his fingers left your shirt, Caleb’s eyebrow raising in response. “Looks like I caught myself a lil’ whore” The southern drawl drained all your blood south, your negelected sex throbbing painfully. The cowboy tugged down your pants, squeezing at the bare globes of flesh. A digit traced the inside of your thigh, your heart hammering against your chest. “If you want me to touch you darlin’ you’re gonna have to apologise.” Caleb kept his touches teasing, milimetres from your soaked cunt. You shook your head defiantly, earning a second swift slap from the cowboys hand. Your knees quivered, tiny mewls leaving your lips. “I’d reconsider.”

“Please.” You whispered, hissing through your teeth as he spanked you again, your ass burning red. Caleb tutted, squeezing the sore flesh, tears pricking in your eyes. “That’s not what I asked for, is it?” “I’m sorry!” You whined, rocking your hips towards him. The Deathslinger hummed appreciatively, grinding his palm against your slit. “What are you sorry for?” “I’m sorry for, ah...” A digit slipped into you mid-sentence, relief and pleasure short-circuiting your brain. A swift slap brought you back to reality, the mixture of stinging skin and Caleb’s finger stroking your insides making it hard to think. “I’m sorry for stealing.” You moaned lewdly as he pushed in another finger, curling them at the knuckle, pressing against you deliciously.

“Good girl.” Caleb’s breathing was ragged as he watched you come undone beneath him. “But... I don’t think you mean it.” He smacked you again, your legs giving way underneath you. “You’re just a whore.” Smack. “You fuckin’ disgust me.” Smack. “I’m sorry, please, I am!” Tears streaked down your cheeks, your ass burning painfully. “Prove it.” Caleb sneered, pulling you off the counter, discarding you to the floor. “Kneel.”

The cowboy freed his cock, winding his fingers in your hair. Meeting his gaze, you licked your lips, pulling back the skin to drag your tongue over the head, salty precum lingering on your tongue. He wasn’t in the mood to be teased it seemed, his grip pulling you closer, insisting you to open your mouth. Caleb’s jaw clenched as he slid past your lips, letting you accommodate as much of him as possible. He grunted when you hollowed out your cheeks, bobbing eagerly along his shaft. It didn’t seem he had much in the way of self control, his hips jerking into your throat, leaving you gagging around his cock. “Good girl.” He praised, his grip tightening when you swiped your tongue over the underside of his member. Caleb growled, letting you continue your ministrations for a few moments before pulling out of your mouth, saliva smeared over your lips.

He tugged at your hair, scooping you up to sit you on the bar, not giving you a moment before sinking inside of you, smirking as you threw your head back, cries of pleasure leaving your lips. Your cunt throbbed around his cock, Caleb firmly gripping your thighs, keeping you in place whilst he pistoned into you. Your nails dug into the counter, gouging out small chunks of wood. The cowboy snarled possessively, eyes flicking between your face and watching his cock disappear inside of you. “Harder, please....” You begged quietly. Caleb didn’t think, hooking your legs over his shoulders, each thrust reminding you of the raw flesh of your ass. The new angle allowed him to hit the sweet spot inside of you, stars flashing in front of your eyes. Caleb was panting, his pace erratic as he got closer, releasing your ankle to rub your clit. You screamed as you came, tightening walls sending the cowboy over the edge, hot cum pumping inside of you.

Caleb gave you a devilish smirk, his cock softening inside of you. “I think you learnt ya lesson.” You nodded pathetically, completely spent. “I suppose you could take one or two bottles seeing as you asked so nicely.” He laughed at his own joke, leaning over to graze your ear with his teeth. “As long as you keep my cum inside that pretty little cunt of yours.”

#caleb quinn #dead by daylight #caleb quinn x reader #the deathslinger #dbd asks

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bugheadfamily · 6 years ago

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This week the spotlight is on Anna ( @writeradamanteve )! Click the read more link below to get to know our member!

Spotlight by Mila, @jughead-jones | Graphic by Katie, @betty-cooper

Anna | @writeradamanteve

Name: Anna

Age: 40

Location: New Jersey

Any other languages aside from English people can contact you in?: Filipino.

Favourite Riverdale characters and ships?: Aside from Betty and Jughead, I do love the awfulness of Cheryl Blossom and spitfire that is season 1 Veronica.

Cheryl Blossom is unapologetically terrible, and in real life, I would absolutely HATE her, but there’s something to be said about a woman who just goes all in. I get that hardness in her, and I like it that she admires others for it, too. That Toni brings out her soft side is a plus, but I would prefer that she stays true to her character outside of her romantic relationship.

Season 1 Veronica Lodge was a champion of women. I loved that about her. I may not have bought the whole “Betty is my best friend” assertion, but I did like that she was doing it to make amends for her past. S1!Veronica wanted to do better and she looked at Betty and thought Betty was a good person to hang out with to further that. Veronica as a person is methodical. Deliberate. And those are characteristics that can be both good and bad. I like it that Veronica can go both ways. I also mean that in a very gay way. No amount of her sleeping with Archie will convince me that her character can’t be bi. I can’t even say I hate her in season 2. She seemed a little lost there, but she was deciding between her family and her principles. For a while she thought that both could coexist, but when she realized in the end that it couldn’t, she broke away. That’s badass.

As for Betty and Jughead, I have at least 500K worth of words in fanfic that expresses the many ways I love them. But to be clear:

I love Betty for being so steadfast in her beliefs. She may have her insecurities when it comes to how she looks and what her mother may think of her, but when it comes injustice and friends endangering themselves for sex, she isn’t going to let anyone prevent her from doing the right thing. She is a go-getter, from saving Pop’s to saving her relationship (especially when Jughead was pulling away from her). She is a master at wielding household items — a skill, we learned, she got from Alice, who’s clearly handy with a lamp. She’s kinky, and she can be scary stone cold — forcing Cheryl to testify the truth with blackmail, watching Jughead punch Chic in the face without flinching, drowning a man to get him to confess to his sins (although ask me some other time about the morality and racial undertones of that, as that is an entirely different conversation). But she also deeply values her relationships. She cares for her loved ones so much, friend or family. That makes her so strong.

Let me tell you the many Jugheads I love: Soft!Jughead, Smughead Jones, Curious Jones, Snowflake!Jughead, ProudBF!Juggie, and even HaplessSerpent!Jughead. I like him best when he’s writing and when he’s making literary references in regular conversation. I love how sarcastic he could be and how his transition from loner weird kid in Riverdale High to popular serpent prince in Southside High tugs at my heartstrings and makes me mad, too. Like Betty, he cares fiercely for the people he loves. His need to belong becomes real to him, after he tried to deny it for so long. As much as we all have our issues with Season 2 Jughead, it added certain dimensions to Jughead that I love to write about in fanfic.

Favourite moments from S1 & S2?: I think I loved most of season 1, but the moments that stood out to me most were these: When Betty was dancing happily in her Cheerleading uniform, when Betty and Jughead were searching Jason’s room and got caught, when Jughead and Betty went to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy together, when Betty rushed to SSH to save Jughead only to find him laughing at the lunch tables with his newfound friends, when Veronica stood up for Betty at the tryouts, when Veronica showed Cheryl compassion, when the girls all banded together to make Chuck suffer the consequences of his misogyny (again, I have words for this, but mostly — why only him? His wasn’t the only name on that playbook), when Cheryl calls people names, when Jughead protected Betty from her vandalized locker, and of course, when Jughead climbed Betty’s bedroom window. While I can’t get enough of Jughead throwing Betty against the kitchen counter, I have to admit I still loved those other scenes a whole lot more. That said, I will still hope for what I mention in question #7.

Season 2 — ah, my goodness. I don’t need to explain how S2 broke my heart in so many good and bad ways. While there were some golden moments, I think most of us are in agreement that there were so many things that could’ve been done better. However, I STILL do have favorite scenes in this Hell Season: Jughead running the gauntlet was amazing, Betty working on Reggie’s car, the entire street race sequence, every time Betty uses a household object to save people (a shovel, a rolling pin, a poker), Jughead and Betty disposing of the car--from her house to the swamp, that entire episode of “The Wicked and the Divine”, Cheryl and Toni finding one another, and the hunger strike scenes.

What are your hopes for S3?:

Bughead summer sex montage.

MOAR Bughead Detective Agency.

A slammin’ Riverdale Parents Flashback episode.

Joaquin stays and Kevin gets better with love and BDE.

Kevin and Josie becoming step-siblings.

Reggie and Sweetpea being half-brothers.

Veronica being the Speakeasy Queen.

Cheryl stirring trouble (even if I know I’ll hate her for it).

Archie getting a clue.

Other fandoms you’re into?: My thing is that I don’t usually fan hard on more than one thing. My past fandoms were Harry Potter, Teen Titans, Anime (many of them at once), Cowboy Bebop, X-Files, Star Trek Voyager, and Firefly. At present, I love Star Wars (all of them — eh, except maybe for Episodes 1, 2, and 3), Wonder Woman, and all the Marvel movies.

What are some of your favourite movies/TV?: Classics: Galaxy Quest, Tropic Thunder, Labyrinth, The Princess Bride, Forest Gump, The Matrix, Constantine, Clueless, The Breakfast Club, Transformers: The Animated Movie, Snatch, Firefly, Veronica Mars, Supernatural (Seasons 1 - 5), X-Files;

Most Recent: Pacific Rim, Black Panther, Wonder Woman, Rogue One, Ready Player One, Anne with an E, Daredevil, Luke Cage, Jessica Jones, Anthony Bourdaine’s old and new series.

Favourite books?: There are so many, fam, but here are the ones that first come to mind:

Harry Potter 1 - 6 (yeah, sorry, not a huge fan of the 7th)

Emma by Jane Austen

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

All of Louisa May Alcott’s books

All of Sharon Shinn

All of L.M. Montgomery

Anne Marston’s Rune Blade Trilogy

Barb and J.C. Hendee’s Noble Dead Saga

The Infernal Devices Trilogy (Cassandra Clare)

A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray

All of Zilpha Keatley Snyder books

All of Paula Danziger books

Juliet Naked by Nick Hornby

Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer

The Unlikely Disciple by Kevin Roose

The Monster of Florence by Douglas Preston and Mario Spezi

The Terror by Dan Simmons

Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Misery by Stephen King

Favourite bands/musicians?: I shall date myself, thanks:

Queen

Guns & Roses

Metallica

Nikki Minaj

Cardi B

Imagine Dragons

One Republic

The Killers

Lily Allen

Cake

Eminem

Amy Winehouse

Sting

If you could live in any fictional world which one would you choose and why?: Harry Potter, no doubt. I would like to live in a world that relies on magic. I would like to go to a magical school like Hogwarts. I would love to fight in a resistance to overthrow an evil sorcerer. Plus, I would really, really love to meet Hermione.

Favourite food?:

Ramen (the real stuff, not the dried instant ones)

Banh Mi

Bun bo Hue

Sushi

Filipino Food — particularly Adobo

Tacos

Mangos and strawberries

Favourite season?: Summer.

Favourite plant?: This is an odd question to me as I don’t have a favorite plant. They are just there and sometimes they give me grief when I have to tend to the outside of my house because they’ve gotten unruly on some level (like — Fall, why do you have to discard your leaves all over my grounds?)

Favourite scent?: Baby’s breath, food, and freshly changed bed sheets.

Favourite colour?: Victorian pink.

Favourite animal?: Cats and Owls (I am definitely a witch by heart).

Are you a night owl, an early bird, or a vampire?: I sleep late and wake up early. I am an old person who can go on 5 hours of sleep.

Place you want to visit?: Portugal or Prague is next on my list.

Do you have pets? If you do, tell us a little about them: I have two pets. Pootie is a cat. He is a gray tuxedo. He loves me best, but he also hangs around my eldest child a lot. Every once in a while, he bothers my husband. Bob is a hermit crab. Bob bores the hell out of me and I am equal parts terrified that I will find him dead in his cage and tired that I am still taking care of him. His previous companions, Larry and Curly, have perished. When I found them dead, I screamed. Hermit crabs are creepy as fuck when they leave their shells, like I can’t stand them that way. I don’t know why I am stuck taking care of Bob, but he’s here, he is under my care, and God help me, he’s a stubborn bastard.

Tell us a little about yourself?:

For work, I’m a web producer/web developer, and I maintain about 20 sites for my company.

I used to work in publishing.

I went to law school and quit.

I eventually married my high school sweetheart and now we have 3 children.

I was always attracted to women, too, but growing up, I was too afraid to come out as bi. It still intimidates me, coming out to new people now. Most times, I just let them draw their own conclusions.

Fun or weird fact about you?: There’s nothing weird about me that you don’t already know. Fun fact: I kickbox in the nearby UFC gym, and one time, I was practicing with Tai pads with a dude who kicked me in the leg by accident — he just “grazed” me, really. I TRIED VERY HARD to pretend that I was alright. That night, my leg was swollen, and three months later, I saw that same dude fighting in the octagon on TV.

Asks for fanfic authors:

How long have you been writing?: 20 years.

Which is your favourite of the fics you’ve written?: That is impossible to answer. Truly. So I’m going to close my eyes over a list of my stories and where my finger lands, that’s my fave. It’s Drive.

Favourite fic/chapter/plot-point/character you’ve ever written?: This is even harder.

Polly’s character arc in Wicked. I really love how I fleshed her out in that story

The development of Kevin and Jughead’s friendship in Harvest to Home

Jughead’s relationship with Archie and Jellybean in Drive.

Betty’s story arc in Drive.

The twists and turns of Wicked.

The rich ambience of Harvest to Home.

Betty and Cheryl’s friendship in Harvest to Home.

The text conversation in Drive.

Sweet Pea’s background character in Drive.

Cheryl’s character in Wicked.

The car chase scene in Drive.

The hotel scene in Cowboy Jones.

The Peitho kitchen scene in Cowboy Jones.

Which was the hardest to write, and why?: Wicked was hard to write. I had set out to write this story with the twists and turns in mind, and those twists were interlaced. I had to set stuff up all throughout the beginning and middle so that the end would make sense. It was also harder because of Season 2. The background of those episodes in contrast with what I had in mind tended to make me nervous about reader expectations. Like when Hal was suddenly the Black Hood on Riverdale, it felt odd to not make him so terrible in Wicked.

One of the hardest chapters I had to write was a chapter written in Cheryl’s POV. Delving into her psyche was a difficult switch to turn on and at some point, I was doubting whether I can do it, but I did it and there it was. And I don’t regret it at all.

How do you come up with the ideas for you fic(s)? (examples: Do you draw inspiration from real life? Listen to music? Get inspired by TV/movies?) Do you have an process to your writing?: Inspiration is different every time.

For Harvest to Home, I wanted to write a fic about a very domestic Betty who made beautiful things. While I was writing that fic, I was deeply into the show Fixer Upper because we had just moved into our own new home. I was absolutely inspired by the designs I saw on TV and our need to decorate our home. I wanted Betty to be so good at it that she wrote a blog about home making. I had a lot of inspiration for that as well, since in the publishing company I used to work for, I worked with a lot of chefs and homemakers who published books.

For Drive, I was inspired by images of Mechanic!Betty at the start of Season 2. I think I may have seen a couple of fics inspired by the movie Baby Driver, where Jughead drove the getaway cars, and honestly, I got a little mad that Betty was never the driver. So I wrote the damn thing, and suddenly, Jughead was drag racing in Season 2. I wrote that fic with a lot of alternative music in the background. I usually started my chapters with the lyrics of those songs that inspired me.

For Wicked, I started writing it for Halloween and it basically grew too large of an idea to make it to Halloween of that year. I was also hesitant about how the fandom would receive a fic where Betty was a witch. Then there came that article about how Alice was possibly a Spellman. WELL THEN.

Cowboy Jones was absolutely inspired by the Camp Bughead prompts. I figured since I hadn’t been driven out of the fandom by torches and pitchforks because of Wicked, I’d try for some sci-fi, a genre I really love. I aimed to misbehave with Cowboy Jones, so I told myself that this was going to be my smuttiest work yet. I had also put out an X-Files inspired bughead short called The Truth is Here for that same prompt.

I answered the question about my writing process here and some more about character development here.

Idea that you always wanted to write?: Kitchen Confidential type story, where Jughead is an asshole chef who is determined to make his restaurant succeed. Betty becomes his sous chef and shows him a thing or two about cooking and about life.

Favourite character to write?: Betty and Jughead, no doubt.

Best comment/review you’ve ever received?: Well, there are so many commenters who have been so fantastic, but my favorite comments come from those who want to have a discussion with me, mostly because I like to reply to all commenters to express my gratitude and it’s easier to reply when I can pick up a conversation.

Best and worst parts of being a writer?: Best part is finishing a chapter and posting it. Worst part is getting flamed. I have been fortunate enough to have a welcoming group of readers here, but I’ve had my share of flames in other fandoms. I always try to dig deep for something constructive in them — there always is something that can be so useful to my writing, but man, those are TOUGH to handle sometimes.

Do you have any advice to offer?: Few things:

Don’t let fear rule your life. Embrace that fear and get to know it. Find out what makes it frightening, then overcome it.

Practice. That is the only thing that will make you better at anything.

Learn from failure. It’s a bitch of a teacher but it’s the best lesson you’ll ever have.

Find work that you love. It always pays.

This is the eleventh installment of Bughead Family’s Member Spotlight series. Each week, a member’s url is selected through a randomizer and they will be featured in a spotlight post. In order to participate, please join the Bughead Discord (more information found here). Thank you.

#bughead #riverdale #bughead fanfiction #bughead family discord #bugheadfamily #member spotlight

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bandstolookup · 3 years ago

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necrophagia

superjoint ritual

whocares

episode six

ian gillan band

the london cowboys

filthy lucre

the idols

the black tongued bells

maxnormal.tv

sadus

control denied

gillan

obituary

the constructus corporation

deep purple

viking crown

flying machines

rick & the ravens

the bootleg beatles

the fireman

the quarrymen

wings

late of the pier

mad season

center for disease control boys

the walkabouts

skafish

for all those sleeping

make them suffer

zwan

state of alert

the posies

madam x

kid wikkid

eagles of death metal

the jesus and mary chain

kyuss

starchildren

drive like jehu

supertramp

damn yankees

masters of reality

daddy rock

Rest, Repose

Keillen Allith

the amboy dukes

wellwater conspiracy

jared dines

fififf teeners

Dissimulator

everclear

cemetery rapist

the misfits

cock and ball torture

scream (dave grohl)

patti smith

danzig

from heroes to legends

for the likes of you

dragged under

terror

comeback kid

merciful fate

sayak striker

retröxx

boys of fall

castle no kings

chase huglin

clover the girl

discrepancies

dreamhouse

go for gold

he is we

heart to heart

hotel books

in her own words

patternist

until we get caught

young thieves

blackberry smoke

fukkit

gizmo

goodbye june

green druid

haggard cat

massive wagons

mike exeter

rival sons

tallah

the glorious sons

the temperance movement

the white buffalo

those damn crows

vektor

wormrot

lagwagon

cheap thrill

sleep

entombed

3teeth

asphyx

aborted

adrenaline mob

angelus apatrida

art of shock

captain and tennile

algernon cadwallader

floorpunch

sung

the voidz

the faceless

sebadoh

slapshot

inme

opeth

venus demilo

magma

janis joplin

death wish i

death

frank zappa and the mothers of invention

PIL

arcaneroots

mother mother

motorhead

stone temple pilots

mindless self indulgence

jenny owen youngs

counting crows

kc & the sunshine band

machine head

hell yeah

dime

st rhoads

wolf mother

kings of leon

unkle adams

lacuna coil

sixx:a.m.

buckcherry

hozier

hall and oates

rival sons

great lake swimmers

nerds gone wild

sugarray

liz phair

plains

adrian glynn

shotgun willy

wire

Godspeed you! black emperor

depeche mode

last chance to reason

the advantage

the dream

bob mitchell

jez pike

jimmy kaleth

sadgirl

looking glass

nico

the pink slips

madeon

dale earnhardt jr jr

stellar dreams

azzurro 80

rasputina

wolfman muscleford

moonrunner83

acidulé

funny death

mirrorvoid

futurski

silent gloves

remute

mike tenay

ceramic hello

bl00dwave

billy mays band

william george

midwest collective

killer instinct

nibana

me again

wolf and raven

jeremiah kane

grimlin

deadlife

jewel

ice cube

young guns

jredd

cosmo buggi

steely dan

savaged regime

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capdown

zebrahead

set your goals

four years strong

mallory knox

KNOWER

tobikomi

codeseven

uctumi

don toliver

bonobo

freezedream

garvalf

quirby64

the great lakes

venus vacation

fecal matter

the everthingness

delores

hold on

UpsideDown tiger

der ans

_van

wakos

proper footing

the color waves

brent martone

the daysleepers

signo vinces

the lindbergh babies

scary planetary

estelle

the_muteKi

MBtech

the other days

marcb0t

north exit

android automatic

gerbfather

the unseen

relica

juno dreams

megahit

tyler rogers

cloud battalion

catecholamine

civil twilight

william beckett

rollins band

dya

laz

catears

lazy nerd 204

ware faire

DJ pie

conquer monster

feelin strange

chet baker

emily glass

james bond

russ freeman

terror jr

novo amor

hell is for heroes

your true name

crystal castles

ezra furman

french montana

creeper

basement

arcane roots

project blue beam

halo nellie

oliver beardmore

dynamo

madilia

codes

humble braggers

workingman's dead

first ward

the mitchum and the outfit

vin derosa

dirty blanket

space junk

spin wires

younger then

ugly sun

feverbox

a girl named genny

cold lazarus

rufus gibson

xotec

hannah gardner

sweet talk radio

mosswalk

the dale toliver band

ponder

whitmore

chad lock

kage

johnny hart and the mess

detroit social club

smoove and turrel

beth macari

social room

nick pride & the pimptones

dixon

voluntears

eyeliner

james ferraro

turbowolf

goldkey

city of caterpillar

ben rector

the revivalists

john oats & the good road band

sam roberts band

margo price

the infamous stringousters

sam bush band

fruitjon

the barr brothers

sister sparrow & the dirty birds

pricilla renea

upstate rubbonn

folkfaces

pa line

leroy tonnes band

the observers

first ward

single mothers

gouge away

anemone

djds

zachary dyke

upstarts

luke yeoward

yoke lore

better half

endless//heights

slingshot dakota

whipworm

the horrors

conan gray

clifton williams

the big bopper

eastman wind ensemble

benal

bisse

celeste

dead cross

equiknoxx

shanique marie

james holden & the animal spirits

laurel halo

lekhfa

LLNN

devil's slingshot

minyanta

bobby henry

myrkur

new gen

otim alpha

richard dawson band

sandunes

alex g

stefflon don

lyceum

watain

yasuaki shimizu

young fathers

anderson

paak & the free nationals

cv jørgensen

mike skinner & murkage present tonga

mogwai

niacin

peter sommer

de underjordiske x fribytterdrømme

house gospel choir

john maus

juana molina

explorer's club

kedr livanskiy

kelly lee owens

kokoko!

large unit brazil edition

mhd

operap

palm

rascasuelos

scour

sirom

slydigs

super parquet

yonaka

veto

mammas boy

traces

ed tullett

tep no

muna

marmozets

safia

frances

ritual

rvrb

the3am

mrkts

troy

olivver the kid

gemini

almost normal

molly drag

hot chelle rae

good buddy

tomasz stanko quartet

house traffic

santa fe

story of the year

go radio

senses fail

farewell fighter

nick werker

deas vail

the paper melody

chase coy

braden barrie

gone back

kurt vile

burial

milo greene

tess

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whollyjoly · 11 months ago

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hello there! my name is em, and i'd like to welcome you to my blog ✨ when im not staring respectfully at alton more's face, my hellblog will mostly be band of brothers, star wars, and a dash of m*a*s*h! im currently taking a break from 9-1-1, so sorry if that's what you're here for.... also: i've been getting into moodboards and icon making these days - if you have any requests, my dms are always open! things with im obsessed with: my tall smirking husband (alton more), making moodboards, music, putting flower crowns on literally anything and anyone 🌼 ships: band of brothers - winnix, baberoe, speirton, luztoye, webgott, randlemartin, skowers, gashey ❤️ star wars - codywan, kalluzeb, anidala, stormpilot, rebelcaptain, kanera, dincobb, techphee m*a*s*h - traphawk, hawkahy 9-1-1 - bucktommy, henren, madney, bathena see you around, friends! 💫

Masterlist ✨

Band of Brothers

Writing

Immortal Soldier!Alton More AU - Snippets & Moodboard

Edits

Winnix - In Those Heavy Days in June Luztoye - I'll Be Seeing You Spotify Lyric Edit Luztoye - Francis Forever Spotify Lyric Edit

Moodboards

Band of Brothers x The Killers

Easy Company - When You Were Young Dick Winters - Be Still Lewis Nixon - Uncle Jonny Ronald Speirs - Battle Born Eugene Roe - Wonderful Wonderful Renée Lemaire - Human Easy Ranch AU - The Cowboys' Christmas Ball

Easy Ranch

Alton More - baby, the sun is getting low James "Moe Alley - all this dirt, it's been dug before The Cowboys' Christmas Ball - Killers Crossover

Mutuals

Vani (sweetxvanixlla) - Midnight Blue Lou (luckynumber4) - Dusty Rose Claire (coco-bean-1218) - Chestnut Brown Mads (mads-weasley) - Orange Lenora (mutantmanifesto) - Moonlight Fru (onlyyouexisthere) - Pale Green Blu (xxluckystrike) - Golden

Misc.

The Cowboys' Christmas Ball - Ficlet + Poem

9-1-1

Gifs

Evan Buckley - I'm Ready to Be Something (4x05||7x05)

Edits

BuckTommy - What If You Were Okay?

Moodboards

BuckTommy - The Cowboy AU Nobody Asked For BuckTommy - Cowboy AU pt 2 BuckTommy - Cowboy AU pt 3

Icons

Tommy Kinard - Flower Crowns Ravi Panikkar - Flower Crowns BuckTommy - Flower Crowns

Memes

And I'll Post It Again! - BuckTommy x B99 Pure of Heart / Dumb of Ass - Bi!Buck

Misc.

My Aura Moodboard - Yellow

you can find also find other stuff from me at #em speaks content from my amazing bob mutuals is tagged #me and the gang (bottom text) or #i live for the best something of hell. content from my amazing 9-1-1 mutuals is tagged #clown car support squad.

thank you for stopping by, and ZIM ZAM! 🔥

#masterlist #about me #em speaks #can you believe i've finally made a big pinned intro post??#i've finally done it after over 12 years #hell yeah

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cowboylikehim · 7 years ago

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Let’s Live Cowboy- Carl Grimes

Carl Grimes x fem!Reader

I reallllllllllllllllyy want to make this a series, message me if you do too

Summary: Carl meets Negan’s daughter and they have met in somewhat secret since then. They meet up after the war against the Saviors started

She was trouble. Rick told him repeatedly to leave her behind. Yet he couldn’t control a rebelling 15-year-old, but he prayed to God that he would come to his senses soon and leave her. (Y/n) was dangerous. It was the apocalypse and Carl was stuck in Romeo & Juliet bullshit with Negan’s daughter. He told Michonne to not let him go anywhere, as far as anyone knew, Negan was dead. Why would she not use the opportunity to get revenge?

What Rick didn’t know was Carl had already left in hopes of running into (Y/n). He wandered around the woods, looking for a familiar tree. A smile graced his lips as his eye landed on a tree with a puncture in it. The first time (Y/n) met Carl was at this tree, she shot at him before recognizing him and taking him on an adventure.

~~~

Carl leaned against the tree, reloading his gun. He wanted to leave Alexandria for a while. Everything there was stressful as if the zombie apocalypse wasn’t enough now they had to prepare for Negan. As he was about halfway through loading, a gun whizzed past his head. Dropping the bullets, he aimed his gun at the girl, but she was demanding and held her ground. It didn’t help that she was gorgeous and about his age.

“Put the gun down now,” She spoke with a glare that was almost hypnotizing him to give in, yet he held his ground, aiming his gun with shaking hands. “Let’s try that again, put the gun fucking down. It’d be a shame to spill blood on that pretty hat of yours.”

Carl set the weapon down and put his hands up. He gulped, half because of the current situation he got himself in and partly from the girl's beauty.

Still aiming the gun at him, but with less deadly intent, she took two strides toward him. Her face forming into a mix of shock and a hint of humor. “Carl Grimes, what a wonderful surprise seeing you here. I’m (Y/n). Negan’s daughter.”

At this point, he knew he should have run while he had the chance or even kill her, yet he felt quite smitten with her.

He stuck out his hand, meeting hers for a firm handshake.

“Don’t worry Grimes, I’m not that much like my father.” She started walking the opposite direction as him, sending him a look over her shoulder when he didn’t follow. “You coming Cowboy?”.

He followed he while assessing the situation in his mind. After thinking silently he asked the question that had been stirring in his mind for awhile, “You really think hanging out with our dad’s worst enemies offspring is a smart thing?”

“Well, Grimes, I could kill you at any minute. I didn’t take your gun so you could fuck up this pretty face of mine at any second, but I trust you wouldn’t. I am in dire need of someone to talk to besides my overprotective father. I know I’m putting the stakes very high that you do too. But what can I say, I’m a gambling woman. I don’t want to survive and exist. I want to live. Let's live Cowboy.” She held out her hand to lead him further into the woods.

He took her hand and never looked back.

~~~

He smiled at the memories before turning to walk in the opposite direction, thinking on all the fond moments between the two. Carl’s feet slowly took his all the way to the cabin where (Y/n) had lead him when they first met. Even on the coldest days, the cabin made them feel warm.

Carl’s feet echoed upon hitting the wooden floors, as his joyful, nostalgic mood wore off and was replaced with the thought of how (Y/n) must feel. The thought made him more panicked and he began searching the cabin for a sign of her. He paced into the small living room, with a couch and a coffee table. Sitting down on the once dusty couch, he rummaged through the cushion side until his hand bumped into a stack of Polaroid pictures bound together with a black hair tie.

~~~ Carl sat in the cabin fiddling with the present he found for (Y/n). They planned to meet up today, although the rain was starting to convince him otherwise. He hoped she'd be able to make it although he understood her hectic schedule. Meeting had been a tradition for the last month since they met.

Every moment where Carl was free with his mind he pondered on her safety with the Saviors. Sure they had big guns and weapons but the fact that she was living with a cold-blooded killer left a feeling of anger coursing through his veins. All he wanted was to hold her tightly in his arms, breathing in her scent. All with the promise that she never leaves his side and that the next morning he could wake up and her tranquility worn face being the first thing he sees.

Carl knew that someday his people would kill Negan they all wanted to. Hell even though his girlfriend was his daughter he still wanted to kill him. He knew the time until then was just ticking down. He’d savor the moment Negan paid for everything he did to them but he knows that It’d effect (Y/n) greatly.

“Carl! I’m here!” A huge smile graced his lips upon hearing the familiar voice. (Y/n) the voice sounded like music to his hears, as cheesy as it sounds. Her voice could calm him down in the midst of war, which in this kind of world is a good thing to have.

She sat down next to him and cuddled up into his side. His lips slightly turned upward, as he was still thinking on the quite depressing subject before she walked in.

“Hey I- uh. I got you something.” He handed her the camera. “I thought we could take some pictures with it, keep em for memories.”

“Carl that's adorable! You know. . . I love you. Like a lot.” (Y/n)’s voice started off joyous before drifting off into a more somber tone. It was the first time either of them had uttered those three, most special, words.

He leaned in to kiss her cheek, making her scrunch her face up in delight. Nose crinkling cutely. Cheeks tinted lightly with raspberry shades. Perfection accompanied with a click of a picture being taken to capture the moment forever.

~~~

Carl was snapped back into the reality by the sound of faint cries of a familiar voice he’d grown to love. He rushed into the room the sound was coming from and froze at the sight before him. He had prepared himself for this moment, he knew once the war started she’d be crushed. Yet no amount of preparation could make this moment sting any less.

Her face was buried in her hands, but if you could see her eyes they were red and puffy. She was crumpled on the floor, although a bed right next to her. As if all her life had fallen apart and she was completely broken.

Carl immediately pulled her into his chest, rocking her shaking form back and forth.

She choked out, “He’s dead now, C-Carl. One of the only people I thought I had left is gone. I feel like I’ll never be the same but it hurts because I know I’m better off without him. But he’s still my dad, Carl. And now he’s gone, he probably died in pain. Got t-torn apart by walkers. It hurts so fucking much, but I’m numb at the same time. Are we living or just existing because right now I don’t know.”

“It’s going to be okay, I promise. It hurts and it will hurt for a long time. It a wound but I can be your band-aid. We can get through this together, I love you.” Carl spoke, adam's apple bobbing as he gulped, searching for the right words to soothe her.

“I love you too, Cowboy.”

#carl grimes #the walking dead carl #twd carl #carl grimes imagines #carl grimes x reader #carl grimes imagine #carl grimes x fem!reader #carl grimes reader insert #twd imagines #twd imagine #twd reader insert #twd

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bobszantyr · 4 years ago

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Thanks to everyone who’s already checked out 𝘚𝘛𝘈𝘕𝘋 𝘐𝘕 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘗𝘓𝘈𝘊𝘌 𝘞𝘏𝘌𝘙𝘌 𝘠𝘖𝘜 𝘓𝘐𝘝𝘌 , a selection of my recent smaller works available online with Auxiliary Projects. This one pictured and others are available for viewing and sale directly from their site. https://www.auxiliaryprojects.com/current-exhibit/ 🖤 #Repost @auxiliary_projects ・・・ Relic (Red), 2019 by Bob Szantyr @blahbert 7.5 x 5.5 x 4 in. Glass, plastic, tobacco, epoxy resin. “Relic here is being used as a reference to the religious context, the physical remains or personal effects of a saint. The vial has the tobacco from one single Marlboro Red cigarette in it -- the iconic smoke, the cowboy killer. My grandparents' house had both Marlboros and square glass ashtrays lying around (only the direst of circumstances eventually changed that). I was always looking at their different ashtrays on end tables, the kitchen table, even on bedside tables - though those were used for small things like rings and change. The ashtrays were different after they were emptied -- never really clean again, and more like a theater right after the movie's over and the floor is sticky.” #relic #ashtray #marlboro #memory #pyramids #sculpture #contemporaryart #brooklyn #brooklyngallery #auxiliaryprojects #bobszantyr #holiday #gifts #giftgiving #giveart (at Auxiliary Projects) https://www.instagram.com/p/CI3T7xXFFM9/?igshid=7fki92ichvot

#repost #relic #ashtray #marlboro #memory #pyramids #sculpture #contemporaryart #brooklyn #brooklyngallery #auxiliaryprojects #bobszantyr #holiday #gifts #giftgiving #giveart

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neoraven · 5 years ago

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NWA TNA Episode 1, June 19th 2002

17 years ago NWA TNA started the weekly PPV experiment. I went to every single one. Now I'm going to watch them for the first time since I was there.

(this review brought courtesy of Toby Keith and the red white and blue)

In 2002, I was a teenager set adrift by 9/11 and the alienation from starting high school. For better or worse, every week I started going to National Wrestling Alliance - Total Nonstop Action shows on Wednesday night. I loved WCW and was bitter about the botched invasion going on, and here was a new WCW in my backyard. It looks like there were 111 weekly PPVs, I'm not sure exactly how many taped ones / clip shows ended up happening, but I never missed one for injury, illness, or even vacation for the better part of two years. It was basically my ECW, for someone who was too young to follow ECW when it first aired.

I'm not really sure what the format of these is going to be. It's kind of a recap + live blog + review, I'll give matches the standard 0-5 star ratings with 1/4*'s possible, so it's really a 20 point scale. I'm going to hopefully figure out a better way to get screen captures going forward. Also, these first couple were taped in Alabama, not at the TNA Asylum in Nashville. Hopefully if my memory holds up, I'll be able to give some live notes and memories from being there for some of these. I have an old hard drive of pictures taken that I hope I can recover. I won the "Best Fan of the Night" and "Best Sign" contests a couple times to get to go backstage, and I also generally hung out before the shows and after the shows to talk to the wrestlers coming and going like a groupie. Later on, I was even on the TNA "Street Team" helping to market TNA and hand out flyers/ads during Smackdown tapings. I was also the moderator for the brief TNA Online Message Board, which I truly wish I had screencaps/archives somehow of all the…wildness there.

NWA TNA #1 June 19th 2002

Don West is the first person out of the gate, introducing Ed Ferrara after pyro and a brief introduction. Ed's all about TNA and introducing the girls dancing in cage as some sleazy music plays. Appropriately, he throws it to Mike Tenay, all business at ringside. TNA chants kick us off. Don West's hawaiian shirt is a thing of legend, and it's distracting me from Tenay's long explanation of the "Gauntlet For The Gold".

Jeremy Borash eventually is in ring announcing a parade of legends. Harley Race, Dory Funk, Jr, Jackie Fargo, Bullet Bob Armstrong, Corsica Joe & Sarah Lee, Bill Behrens, Ricky Steamboat. "All Our Base Are Belong To Us" shirt spotted in the stands. The Dragon compares the belt to every major championship in pro sports, the Stanley Cup, etc. He will special referee the finals of the match, and that brings out the one and only - Jeff Jarrett. His TNA theme "My World" is a lowkey banger that nevertheless completely haunted my life for 2 years. His big mouth earns him the first spot in the match. Ken Shamrock is here after that, and he joins Jarrett in burying the Battle Royal match. Finally, Scott Hall saunters through the crowd in a strip club(!!!) t-shirt as his awesome theme "Marvelous Me" plays. To round up, Ken Shamrock's theme wasn't great. "Hey Yo" sign spotted.

Goldylocks is backstage with Total Nonstop Action and the original midget killer "Puppet the Psycho Dwarf". Oh no. He's gonna spill some midget blood. Jeff Jarrett angrily kicks over a tiny music stand in the background hilariously. Then we go to the girls in cages and honest to goodness our first wrestling match -

6 Man Tag Team X Division Showcase AJ Styles, Low Ki, and Jerry Lynn vs The Flying Elvii (Sonny Siaki, Jimmy Yang, and Jorge Estrada)

An X Division showcase awaits. The legends surround a tiny monitor backstage. The generic faces' intro music is bland. The flying Elvii have a nice little knockoff theme at least. Siaki has Big The Rock Energy while the other two mug. The Elvii refuse handshakes and all hell breaks loose. Triple dropkicks and flying splashes to the outside. Styles reverses a back suplex into a phenomenal forearm, and I'm not going to attempt to catch every move. As an aside - Total Nonstop Action has taken a full 18 minutes on air before someone punched someone. Siaki and LowKi is a pretty appealing matchup. The former does a crisp Samoan Drop. Styles and Yang get in and have a very crisp, quick flurry of moves together. Jerry Lynn crushes a cradle Piledriver, and Siaki runs in and hits his neckbreaker finisher. LowKi accidentally brains AJ, and Yang capitalizes with the Yang Time for the pin. Considering who went on to hold the X Title, this is an odd result, but commentary was generally putting over how the mismatched team was going to compete in the X Title Round Robin coming up.

The Flying Elvii in 7 minutes, Yang Time pins AJ Styles **3/4

Midget Showcase Teo vs Hollywood

Hollywood starts it before the bell. From the promo, I thought this was a triple threat with Puppet. Hollywood kicks out of the "Tadpole Splash" from the top rope. Ed Ferrara says in response to Teo's claims to be a ladies' man - "He's the right height". Teo finishes Hollywood with an ugly swanton.

Teo in 3 minutes, Swanton?, 1/2*

Now West and Ferrara are in the ring hyping the Lingerie Battle Royal next week. The New Francine, Miss Joanie, Shannon (Daffney?), Alexis Laree (Mickie James!), The Incredible Sasha, Erin (Baltimore Cheerleader?), Elektra from ECW, Miss Taylor Vaughn, Darisa Da?? I didn't catch her name as Ed starts rambling about a kid in a candy store. Maybe I'll catch all the names if they're introduced with title cards next week. Francine grabs a mic and calls Ed "pudgy" and says none of the women compare to her. Elektra stands up to Francine and starts a catfight.

Goldylocks is in the back with Mortimer Plumtree. His character peaks with his name. He manages a tag team that bullied him in high school for reasons that are never explained. He leaves to walk "The Johnsons", Richard and Rod, to the ring.

Tag Team Match The Johnsons w/ Mortimer Plumtree vs Psychosis and James Storm

The latter is an odd pairing for a few reasons. I honestly didn't remember James Storm started off without Chris Harris and America' Most Wanted. He even has the prop guns firing blanks in the ring, which was always a nice touch. I feel like this is where I mention that the Johnsons are in full body suits and masks that make them look like walking penises. In other news, Psychosis is going without his trademark horned mask. Alicia from WCW is on the stage scouting the match. There's a fella in an XFL jersey in the stands. What year is it? "Buff your(sic) still the stuff" sign spotted. Ferrara "These Johnsons just look good". They hit simultaneous clutching suplexes to take control of the good guys, but Mortimer interferes to let one of the Johnsons hit their finisher on Cowboy. Post match, the ref pays off the lady watching the action.

The Johnsons in 4 minutes, Samoan Drop into Neckbreaker, *

Stan and Bo Dupp harass Goldylocks in the back until they run into the brothers' shared girlfriend in a quick nothing segment.

Borash introduces 1993 Rookie of the Year and Winston (yes, cigarettes) Cup Points Leader Sterling Martin. K-Krush is out to save us from the race car drivers. He's getting booed, but this would be a face promo anywhere other than Huntsville Alabama. K Krush "Damn you, and Damn Alabama" Brian Lawler is out to save the NASCAR dopes from the angry black man. He cuts an angry promo about "your kind" while the crowd howls in racist jeer. It's a pretty ugly segment considering "Grandmaster Sexay" Lawler is still clad in his Too Cool black rapper cosplay outfit.

Backstage, Jeff Jarrett is choking Jackie Fargo.

Tag Team Match Christian York & Joey Matthews vs The Dupps w/ Fluff Dupp

For better or worse, now I know their girlfriend/cousin's name now. After the crowd roared for the pasty white NASCAR duo, commentary is really going in on how these two wrestlers are completely fucking stupid and southern. The Dupps' intro is very boring twangy banjo crap, and they're not much better in the ring. Matthews hits a move called the Virginia Necktie that looks pretty nice. I think the non-Dupp team is working face, but it's hard to tell who the crowd is popping for. The Dupps win with some cheating and Fluff interference.

The Dupps in 4 minutes, Crotch shot, 1/2*

Before the Gauntlet For The Gold, we get a Toby Keith music video. He is singing "Angry American". Jeff Jarrett walks out and pushes Toby Keith off his little stupid stool and the crowd goes wild and honestly, I screamed in joy and Jeff Jarrett turned face for my money when he says "Nobody wants to hear that damn song, and take your Angry American Ass OUTTA HERE".

The Gauntlet For The Gold 20 Man Battle Royal for the NWA Heavyweight Championship Of The World

Buff Bagwell runs down for number 2 and the bell rings. Maybe it was for the main event finally starting but honestly the crowd goes pretty wild for Buff Bagwell laying hands on Double J. Buff hits a couple signature moves, but gets tossed before the next entrant. Ragin' Cajun Lash Laroux Is 3. He falls victim to The Stroke and is eliminated fast. "Somebody pissed in Jeff's Cheerio-s this morning!" Here comes Screamin' Norman Smiley at 4. The second largest pop of the night so far comes for the Big Wiggle. Jarrett tosses him anyways. Apolo comes down at 5, getting more offense than the previous entrants combined. K-Krush is 6. His signature axe kick gets tremendous boos, they hate him. Slash w/ James Mitchell is 7. Del Rios is 8. He is some kind of bodybuilder and it shows. Slash bites his way out of a belly to belly suplex as the announcers stress everything is legal. Justice is 9, I think this Is the future Abyss, but I can't swear to it. He hits a Black Hole Slam and now I'm 99% sure. Konnan is 10, yelling "Arriba La Raza" on his way to the ring. Abyss sells Konnan's facebuster a la HBK vs Hogan and I love it. 11 brings out Joel Gertner "I'm gonna be with 5 girls in Huntsville because I don't settle for less" He gives an X-rated introduction for the man they call Bruce of the Rainbow Express, led out by Lenny Lane. I'm not gonna bother listing all of the homophobic euphemisms the announce team runs through explaining who the Rainbow Express are. Rick Steiner is 12. He dumps Slash and Abyss with a couple impressive shows of strength. Malice is 13, dealing out chokeslams. Bruce, K-Krush, Del Rios, Konnan, and Steiner go out quickly thereafter. Scott Hall is 14. Toby Keith? is 15. He suplexes and tosses Jarrett. Not that anyone cares, but Toby Keith leaves through the middle rope to chase Jarrett and is never officially eliminated. 16 brings Wildcat Chris Harris. Vampire Warrior, former Gangrel, runs down seemingly early as an entrant with no music? The on screen countdown timer disappeared during the Toby Keith situation. Dangerous Devin Storm, aka Crowbar, is probably 18. Steve Corino comes in at 19, the only former NWA Champ. Ken Shamrock is out at 20. "Hall was framed" sign spotted. Brian Christopher/Lawler is number 20 and I realize now that Toby Keith was not an official entrant. Brian clears out Chris Harris, Vampire Warrior, and Crowbar mostly by holding the top rope down when they ran by. He dumps Corino shortly after. Christopher and Apolo get dumped by Malice next. Then the cameraman somehow misses Malice back body dropping Scott Hall over the top, leaving Malice vs Ken Shamrock to go to a pinfall or submission.

Malice vs Ken Shamrock, Special Referee Ricky The Dragon Steamboat

Malice gets some advice from Father James Mitchell at ringside. After going back and forth, Shamrock gets an awesome cross arm breaker reversal of a choke slam. After a long tease of tapping, he gets the rope, maybe with James Mitchell pushing it a little toward his client. A big boot leads into the Ankle Lock and Shamrock refuses to break it on the ropes, after even a 7 count, leading to heated words with Steamboat. Shamrock wins with a Belly to Belly to a big pop despite his heel tactics. Cue pyro, and hoisting the tiny gold belt.

Ken Shamrock wins a 5 minute match following a 33 minute battle royal, Belly to Belly. **

The match was a little too long, even with Jarrett speeding up the beginning by tossing the opening entrants as fast as possible. Speaking of Double J, he fights with legends and security backstage before emerging with a microphone. He punches the legends after moaning about the battle royal until Toby Keith and Jackie Fargo come back out to book Scott Hall vs Jeff Jarrett next week, the show ends with them brawling up the ramp.

That wraps up episode 1! They have some marquee singles matches next week in addition to crowning the first X Division champ, I'll see you then to wrap up the two first Alabama shows before settling into The Asylum.

#nwatna impact tnaasylum

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bthenoise · 5 years ago

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My Chemical Romance, Ice Nine Kills, August Burns Red And More Included In This Year’s Record Store Day

Great news record collectors! This year’s Record Store Day has just officially been announced. And as you can expect, there are a ton of great choices.

Set to launch April 18th, the 13th annual Record Store Day will include exclusive vinyl releases from artists like My Chemical Romance, The Ramones, Ice Nine Kills, Bayside, Asking Alexandria, The Menzingers, Pepper and a ton more!

To check out all the incredible releases, check out the list below or head to Record Store Day’s official site here.

RECORD STORE DAY 2020 RELEASES Aaron Lupton & Jeff Szpirglas – Planet Wax: Sci-Fi/Fantasy Soundtracks on Vinyl Ace Frehley – Trouble Walkin’ Adam Czerwinski/Krzesimir Debski/Wojciech Niedziela – Two Out Of Two: Acoustic References For Audiophiles Al Green – Green Is Blues Alejandro Escovedo – La Cruzada Alfredo Linares Y Su Sonora – Yo Traigo Alice Cooper – Live from the Apollo Theatre Glasgow Feb 19.1982 Allan Holdsworth – Road Games Alphaville – Sounds Like A Melody (Grant & Kelly Remix by Blank & Jones x Gold & Lloyd) America – Heritage II: Demos And Also The Trees – And Also The Trees Andrew Gold – Something New: Unreleased Gold Anoushka Shankar – Love Letters Archers of Loaf – “Raleigh Days”/”Street Fighting Man” Asking Alexandria – Stand Up and Scream August Burns Red – Bones Awesome Dre – You Can’t Hold Me Badflower – “The Jester / Everybody Wants To Rule The World” Bastille – All This Bad Blood Bayside – Heaven Beck – “No Distraction / Uneventful Days (Remixes)” Ben Lee – Grandpaw Would 25th Anniversary Deluxe Edition Ben Watt with Robert Wyatt – Summer Into Winter Best Coast – Thank You Biffy Clyro – Moderns Big L – Danger Zone Bill Evans – Some Other Time: The Lost Session From The Black Forest Billie Eilish – Live At Third Man Records Black Keys – Let’s Rock (45 RPM Edition) Black Lips – They’s A Person Of The World (featuring Kesha) Blitzen Trapper – Unreleased Recordings Vol. 2: Too Kool Bob James – Once Upon A Time: The Lost 1965 New York Studio Sessions Bob Marley & The Wailers – Redemption Song Bob Mould – Circle of Friends Bone Thugs-N-Harmony – Creepin’ On Ah Come Up Brandi Carlile – A Rooster Says Brian Eno – Rams: Original Soundtrack Britney Spears – Oops!…I Did It Again (Remixes and B-Sides) Brittany Howard – Live At Sound Emporium Buju Banton – Trust & Steppa Camille Yarbrough – The Iron Pot Cooker Canned Heat – Record Store Day Party With Canned Heat Canned Heat/John Lee Hooker – Hooker ‘N Heat Cat Stevens – Tonight Charles Mingus – Mingus Ah Um Redux Charli XCX – Vroom Vroom EP Charlie Parker – Jazz at Midnite Cheap Trick – Out To Get You! Live 1977 Chief Keef – Back From The Dead 2 CHON – GROW Chris Smither – More From The Leaves Christian Paul – Christian Paul Christine and the Queens – La vita nuova : séquences 2 et 3 Chromeo – Needy Girl Chuck Mosley – First Hellos and Last Goodbyes City Morgue – City Morgue Vol 2: As Good As Dead clipping with Christopher Fleeger – Double Live Clutch – The Obelisk Collective Soul – Half and Half Coolio – Gangsta’s Paradise (25th Anniversary — Remastered) Corb Lund – Cover Your Tracks EP Cradle – The History Cradle – The History Craig Finn – All These Perfect Crosses Curren$y – Pilot Talk D-Mob – We Call It Acieeed Damien Jurado – “Birds Tricked Into the Trees”/”From Devils To Davis” Dandy Warhols and Bebe Buell – Femme Fatale Daniel Pemberton & Samuel Sim – The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance – The Crystal Chamber Daniel Pemberton & Samuel Sim – The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance – The Aureyal Dave Davies – Rock Bottom: Live at the Bottom Line (Remastered 20th Anniversary Limited Edition) Dave Pike – Jazz For The Jet Set David Bowie – ChangesNowBowie David Bowie – ChangesNowBowie David Bowie – I’m Only Dancing (The Soul Tour 74) David Bowie – I’m Only Dancing (The Soul Tour 74) David Gray – Please Forgive Me Day Wave – Crush Death Piggy (GWAR) – Welcome To The Record Declan McKenna – “Beautiful Faces” / “The Key to Life on Earth” Def Leppard – Rock N Roll Hall of Fame Dehd – Golden Age of Rock N Roll Denzel Curry – Bulls on Parade Destiny’s Child – Say My Name DevilDriver – Winter Kills Dexter Gordon – The Squirrel Dexter Gordon Quartet – Live In Châteauvallon – 1978 Dinosaur Jr – Swedish Fist (Live In Stockholm) Dio – Annica Don Cherry – Cherry Jam Don Shinn – Temples With Prophets Down N Outz – The Music Box EP Dr. John – Remedies Drive-By Truckers – “The Unraveling” b/w “Sarah’s Flame” Durutti Column – Idiot Savants Ellie Goulding – Lights 10 Elton John – Elton John Emerson Lake & Palmer – Live At Waterloo Field, Stanhope, New Jersey, U.S.A., 31st July Eminem – “My Name Is”/”Bad Guys Always Die” Ennio Morricone – Peur Sur La Ville Entombed – Clandestine– Live Eve 6 – The Fly Record Live Felt (Murs x Slug x Aesop Rock) – Felt 3: A Tribute To Rosie Perez (10 Year Anniversary Edition) Fleetwood Mac – The Alternate Rumours Frank Marino & Mahogany Rush – Real LIVE! Vol. 1 Frank Zappa – You Can’t Do That On Stage Anymore (Sampler) Frankie and the Witch Fingers – Sidewalk Freddie Gibbs & Madlib – Piñata: The 1974 Version Frumpies – “Frumpie One Piece” b/w “Frumpies Forever” Galaxie 500 – Copenhagen Gary Clark Jr – Pearl Cadillac (Feat. Andra Day) Gene Russell – New Direction George S. Clinton – Mortal Kombat (Original Motion Picture Score) Glass Animals – Tokyo Drifting Gong – Live! at Sheffield 1974 Gorillaz – G-Sides Gorillaz – D-Sides Grateful Dead – Buffalo 5/9/77 Graves At Sea – History of Sickness Green Jelly – Triple Live Mother Goose At Budokan Greg Dulli – “A Ghost”/Girl From The North Country” Grouplove – Broken Angel Guided By Voices – Hold On Hope Gun Club – Live In London Hank Williams – March of Dimes Hatchie & Pains of Being Pure At Heart – “Sometimes Always” b/w “Adored” Hawkwind – At The BBC 1972 Hawkwind – Quark, Strangeness & Charm Heart Bones – Heart Bones (Har Mar Superstar and Sabrina Ellis of A Giant Dog) Hendrix – Jimi Hendrix Hiss Golden Messenger – Let the Light of the World Open Your Eyes (Alive at Spacebomb) Hootie and the Blowfish – Live at Nick’s Fat City, 1995. Hot Rats – Turn Ons: 10th Anniversary Edition Hugo Montenegro – Hugo in Wonder-Land Humble Pie – Official Bootleg Collection Vol 2 Hunny – Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes ICE NINE KILLS – The Silver Scream: Killer Cuts Iggy Pop – Kiss My Blood (Live in Paris 1991) Infectious Grooves – Take You On A Ride Inhaler – My Honest Face J.J. Johnson and Kai Winding – Stonebone Jay Bennett & Edward Burch – The Palace at 4 AM Jerry Garcia – The Very Best of Jerry Garcia Jesse Dayton – Texas 45 RPM Showdown Jessie Baylin – Pleasure Center EP Jethro Tull – Stormwatch 2 Jimmy Giuffre – GRAZ 1961 Jimmy Guiffre – The 3 & 4: New York Concerts Jimmy Sweeney – Without You Jimmy Urine & Serj Tankian – Fuktronic Joe Loduca & Danny Elfman – Army of Darkness (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) John Prine – The Atlantic Albums John Prine/Kelsey Waldon – The Kentucky Sessions John Wesley Harding – The Man With No Shadow Johnny Cash – Classic Cash: Hall Of Fame Series – Early Mixes (1987) Johnny Thunders & Wayne Kramer – Gang War Jon Brion – Synecdoche New York Josefus – Get Off My case Judas Priest – British Steel — Limited Edition 40th Anniversary Edition Judas Priest – Sad Wings of Destiny June of 44 – Engine Takes To The Water June of 44 – Tropics and Meridians k.d. lang – Drag k.d. lang & the Reclines – Angel With A Lariat Keith Richards – “Hate It When You Leave” b/w “Key To The Highway” Kelly Finnigan – The Tales People Tell (Instrumentals) Kevin Morby – Oh Mon Dieu: Live In Paris Kinks – The Kink Kronikles Lee Fields – Let’s Get A Groove On Lennon/Ono with the Plastic Ono Band – Instant Karma! (2020 Ultimate Mixes) Lenny Bruce – Lenny Bruce Is Out Again Lil’ Kim – 9 Lisa Loeb – A Simple Trick To Happiness Local Natives – When Am I Gonna Lose You Lothar and the Hand People – Machines; Amherst 1969 Lothar and the Hand People – Machines; Amherst 1969 Lou Reed & John Cale – Songs For Drella Love Tractor – 60 Degrees and Sunny Mac DeMarco – Other Here Comes The Cowboy Demos Makeup and Vanity Set – Heart of Batman OST Manic Street Preachers – La Tristessa Durera (Scream To Sigh) Marcy Luarks & Classic Touch – Electric Murder Marion Brown – Porto Novo Mark Knopfler – Metroland (Music and Songs From The Film) Mark Snow – Music From the X-Files: The Truth and the Light Maroon 5 – Memories Martin Denny – Exotic Moog Marty Willson-Piper – Nightjar Marvin Pontiac – Marvin Pontiac: The Asylum Tapes Meat Puppets – Meat Puppets Melanie – Melanie With The incredible String Band Live Mia Doi Todd – Gea Midland – Live From The Palomino Mikal Cronin – Switched-On Seeker Mike Watt + The Secondmen – In Quintessence Mikis Theodorakis – Serpico Miles Davis – Double Image: Rare Miles From the Complete Bitches Brew Sessions Modern English – I Melt With You Motorhead – “Ace of Spades”/”Dirty Love” Mott The Hoople – Golden Age of Rock N Roll Mouth Congress – Ahhhh the Pollution Murs & 9th Wonder – Brighter Daze My Chemical Romance – The Murder Scene Nahko & Medicine For The People – Take Your Power Back Nas – God’s Son Nat Turner Rebellion – Laugh To Keep From Crying Neal Casal – Fade Away Diamond Time Ned Lagin – Seastones: Set 4 New Order – Peel Session /82 New Riders of the Purple Sage – Field Trip (Live) Nick Mason’s Saucerful of Secrets – “See Emily Play”/”Vegetable Man” Nicole Bus – Live in NYC Night Beats – Sonic Bloom Nocturnal Emissions – Tissue of Lies Odd Future – The OF Tape Vol. 2 : Neon Purple Odd Future – The OF Tape Vol. 2 : Neon Pink Oh OK (Lynda Stipe, Linda Hopper, Matthew Sweet) – The Complete Reissue Ol’ Dirty Bastard – Return To The 36 Chambers: The Dirty Version (25th Anniversary Edition) Original Motion Picture Soundtrack – Lethal Weapon (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) Pale Saints – Mrs. Dolphin Parish Hall – Parish Hall Parliament – The Medicaid Fraud Dogg Presents 3GP Bangers Paul McCartney – McCartney Penderecki/Don Cherry & The New Eternal Rhythm – Actions Pepper – Kona Town Percival – Wild Hunt Live: Pyrkon 2018 Pete Krebs & The Gossamer Wings – All My Friends Pete Rock – Petestrumentals 3 Philip Glass – The Essential Philip Glass – Koyaanisqatsi Pink Floyd – Arnold Layne Live 2007 PinkFong – Baby Shark Polaris – Music From The Adventures of Pete & Pete Post Malone – Hollywood’s Bleeding Primus – Suck On This Randy Newman – Avalon (Original Motion Picture Score) Randy Newman – The Natural Ravi Shankar – Chants of India Record Safari – Record Safari Refused – Not Fit For Broadcast – Live at the BBC Robbie Basho – Selections from Song of the Avatars: The Lost Master Tapes Robyn – Robyn Rockabye Baby! – Lullaby Renditions of Wu-Tang Clan Roger Waters – The Wall– Live In Berlin Ron Carter – Foursight: Stockholm Rory Gallagher – Cleveland Calling Roxy Music – Roxy Music – The Steven Wilson Stereo Mix Royal Horses – A Modern Man’s Way To Improve Ruston Kelly – Dirt Emo Vol. 1 Ryuichi Sakamoto – Black Mirror: Smithereens (Original Soundtrack) Sam Smith – I Feel Love San Francisco Christian Center Choir – The Sound of the San Francisco Christian Center Screamin’ Jay Hawkins – …What That Is! Screamin’ Jay Hawkins – Because Is In Your Mind Sean Price & Small Professor – “Latoya Jackson” b/w Remix Skid Row – Slave To The Grind (Expanded) Skye – Keeping Secrets Skyzoo + Pete Rock – Retropolitan (Instrumentals) Slapp Happy – Our Swimmer Slint – “Breadcrumb Trail” b/w “Good Morning, Captain” Snoop Dogg – I Wanna Thank Me Sock-Tight – Smudge Sofi Tukker – Dancing On The People Solomon Burke – Back To My Roots Someone – ORBIT II Son Volt – Live At The Orange Peel Soul Asylum – Hurry Up And Wait (Deluxe Version) Spacehog – Resident Alien Spoon – All The Weird Kids Up Front (More Best Of Spoon) Squirrel Nut Zippers – The Inevitable Steve Earle – “Times Like These / It’s About Blood” Summer Walker – Last Day of Summer + Clear EP Sumy – Funkin’ In Your Mind Sun Ra – Egypt ’71 Surfer Blood – Astro Coast 10 Year Anniversary Reissue SUSTO – Weather Balloons Suzanne Ciani – Suzanne Ciani Tangerine Dream – Tyger Team Dresch – Choices, Chances, Changes Tear Da Club Up Thugs of Three 6 Mafia – CrazyNDaLazDayz Ted Cassidy – The Lurch Tegan and Sara – Tonight In The Dark We’re Seeing Colors Terry Hall – Home The (Electric Six) Wildbunch – Rock Empire The Airborne Toxic Event – Come On Out The Alarm – Celtic Folklore Live The Allman Brothers Band – An Evening With The Allman Brothers Band: First Set The Allman Brothers Band – An Evening With The Allman Brothers Band: First Set The Allman Brothers Band – Fillmore West 1-31-71 The Black Crowes – Jealous Again The Boys Next Door – Door, Door The Charlatans UK – The Charlatans UK vs. The Chemical Brothers The Comet Is Coming – Imminent The Cure – Bloodflowers The Cure – Seventeen Seconds The Dead South – Record Store Day Release The Doors – The Soft Parade: Stripped The Fallen Angels – Paradise Lost The Feminine Complex – Livin’ Love The Feminine Complex – Livin’ Love The Fleshtones – Face of the Screaming Werewolf The Fleshtones – Face of the Screaming Werewolf The Game – Born 2 Rap The Good Life/The Pauses – Breeders split The Groundhogs – Split The Jones Sisters (Steven Conrad, Lillie Mae and Bobby Bare) – Perpetual Grace, LTD Soundtrack The London Suede – The London Suede The Magic Numbers – The Magic Numbers The Menzingers – Chamberlain Waits The Murder Capital – Live from London: The Dome, Tufnell Park The Notorious B.I.G. – It Was All A Dream: The Notorious B.I.G. 1994-1999 The Obsessed – Incarnate Ultimate The Pale Fountains – Longshot For Your Love The Pineapple Thief – Uncovering The Tracks The Pogues – At The BBC 1984 The Pretenders – Live! At the Paradise, Boston, 1980. The Ramones – It’s Alive II The Replacements – The Complete Inconcerated Live The Residents – Icky Flix: The Original Soundtrack Recording The Rolling Stones – Metamorphosis UK The Rolling Stones – Let It Bleed (Limited Collectors Edition) The Skatalites – Ska Voovee The Smithereens – “Love Me Do / P.S. I Love You” The Soft Boys – I Wanna Destroy You / Near The Soft Boys (40th Anniversary Edition) The Specials – Dubs The Strokes – The New Abnormal THE THE – I Want 2 B U The Unrighteous Brothers – Unchained Melody / You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin'” The Verlaines – Dunedin Spleen The Violets – Athens Georgia 1988-1992 The Weeknd – My Dear Melancholy, The Who – A Quick Live One The Who – Odds and Sods (Deluxe) Throwing Muses – Purgatory/Paradise TLC – Waterfalls Tom Tom Club – Genius of Love 2020 Tommy Bolin – Tommy Bolin Lives! Tones on Tail – Pop Tony Joe White – The Beginning Toto – Live in Tokyo 1980 Tove Lo – Bikini Porn Tres Vampires – Tres Vampires Twiztid – All These Problems Tyler, The Creator – Cherry Bomb (The Instrumentals) Tyler, The Creator – Cherry Bomb U2 – 11 O’CLOCK TICK TOCK (40th Anniversary Edition) UFO – Live in Youngstown ’78 Ultravox – Sleepwalk Various Artists – Sweet Relief: A Benefit for Victoria Williams Various Artists – The Turning: Kate’s Diary Various Artists – Lagniappe Sessions Vol. 2 Various Artists – Sunrise On the Blues: Sun Records Curated By Record Store Day Vol 7 Various Artists – Behind The Dykes: Beat, Blues and Psychedelic Nuggets from The Lowlands 1964-1972 Various Artists – Hackers (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) Various Artists – The Land of Sensations & Delights: The Psych Pop Sounds of White Whale Records, 1965–1970 Various Artists – Double Whammy! A 1960s Garage and Folk-Rock Rave-Up Various Artists – FLOW Various Artists – The Virgin Suicides (Music From The Motion Picture) Various Artists – Girls in the Garage Volume 8 Various Artists – Soul Jazz Records Presents STUDIO ONE 007: Licensed To Ska! James Bond and other Film Soundtracks and TV Themes Various Artists – Soul Jazz Records Presents Brazil Funk Power –Brazilian Funk and Samba Soul Various Artists – Wick Records Presents Battle of the Bands Vol. 1 Various Artists – The Ska (From Jamaica) Various Artists – Psyché France vol. 6 (1960-70) Various Artists – Hi Tide Groove Various Artists – Record Safari Motion Picture Soundtrack Various Artists – Record Safari Motion Picture Soundtrack (Deluxe Edition) Various Artists – I Saved Latin! A Tribute To Wes Anderson Various Artists – Dance Craze Various Artists – This Are Two Tone Various Artists – STUDIO ONE Rockers Various Artists – From The Vaults, Vol. 2 Various Artists – From The Vault, Vol. 2 Various Artists – Rough Guide To Brazilian Psychedelia Various Artists – DUNE OST Various Artists – Queen & Slim Soundtrack Various Artists – Austin Powers — International Man of Mystery Various Artists – Wilcovered Various Artists – Phenomenon (Music From The Motion Picture) Various Artists – Batman & Robin (Music From and Inspired By The Motion Picture) Various Artists – Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me Soundtrack Various Artists – Music From The Motion Picture: Austin Powers in Goldmember Vitamin String Quartet – Vitamin String Quartet Performs Lana Del Rey Wale – Wow… That’s Crazy Warren Zevon – Warren Zevon’s Greatest Hits (According To Judd Apatow) Widespread Panic – Sunday Show -the Capital Theatre, Port Chester, NY 3/24/19 Wild Tchoupitoulas – Wild Tchoupitoulas Willie Colon – Cosa Nuestra Wipers – Is This Real–Anniversary Edition Wire – 10:20 Wolfgang Press – Unremembered, Remembered WURM – “Poison” / “Zero Sum” Yardbirds – Roger The Engineer: Stereo & Mono Young Fresh Fellows – Toxic Youth Zap Mama – Adventures in Afropea

#Record Store Day #My Chemical Romance #August Burns Red #Ice Nine Kills #Asking Alexandria #Bayside #The Menzingers

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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years ago

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tube thoughts vol. 7

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Rifftrax presents "Cool As Ice" --1991-- *Snow aka Justin Bieber gives Bella Swan goosebumps and crotch-rocket road rash.* 3 stars with riffing or running from zero to 1 star without

"Dumb and Dumber To" ---2014--- *Sloppy seconds.* 2 stars

VH1 --sneak peak-- "Suave Says" --2014-- *A "thrilling" inside look into the post music career, current evangelical motivational speaking venture, and wealthy domestic drama of a one hit wonder pop star from wayback in 1991. Gerardo aka Rico Suave.* 1/2 a star

"That's My Boy" (2012) *Topics like underage student and teacher sexual relationships and incest are dealt with maturely by Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, and Vanilla Ice. Of course not, but this isn't even creatively controversial or riotously raunchy in any remarkable way. It's just another formulaic Adam Sandler movie that hits all the same notes as usual.* either zero stars or 1 star

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- -The Comedy Network- (1998) *Bemused, pertubed, fumed. These are just a few of the reactions Tom illicits from anyone not in on the joke.* 2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of Laughing in the Dark *"Pick the right door, and you'll go free. Pick the wrong door, and there he'll be." He being a cigar puffing, nightmarish, funhouse clown.* 3 stars

"Housebound" ---2014--- *"An active mind in an inactive environment." The Brits make a superbly spooky mystery with dry and subtle humor.* 3 stars

"Chonda Pierce On Her Soapbox" (1999) *Folksy entertainment variety and jubilee from a real life Peggy Hill.* 1 star

Buckmasters -Young Bucks- "The Misadventures of Bubba" (1992) *Near fatal hunting accidents hilarity with a Jim Varney caricature.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

"Dancing Outlaw, Jesco White" (1991) & Jesco Goes to Hollywood (1994) *''Sorrow, hatred, and madness. '' "If you wanna get to heaven, you got to raise a little hell."* Heaven for Jesco is dancing at Elvis' star on the Hollywood walk of fame and guest starring on Roseanne or huffing fumes.* 3 stars

Fargo: The Crocodile's Dilemma *"What's the policy? See, I'm sort of a student of institutions." Billy Bob Thornton can play indifferent malice like no other.* 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Sofa *Lord Snooty's couch, club card, co-opting of other people's conundrums, and crisis 'cause he can't stand to be cuddled.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

12:01 Beyond-- Christmas Special 2014 -------------------------------

*World Friendship Society - Please Just Go (music video)* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Le Passage (movie trailer): More badass than Home Alone and Rambo.* 3 stars

*Lobo for the charity "Socks for Tots" gently used socks for children at Christmas at the North Pole. Lonely odd socks for lonely odd kids.* 2 1/2 stars

*Ninja, the Mission Force: "Clam chowder can only mean a ninja challenge."* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo argues the Holiday Blues with his potted plant, Ms. Mittens.* between 2 & 2 1/2 *

*Fleischer Studios - Superman - The Arctic Giant: A kaiju nearly destroys Metropolis and swallows Lois whole.* 3 stars

*Treevenge: sentient x-mas trees turn the tables on crass Christmas celebrations and begin tearing the merry folk to shreds.* 3 stars

*Lobo fills holiday stockings full of leftover Halloween Candy.* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo meets Ro-Man the Robot Monster from the 1950s B sci fi movie, at the north pole, and suggests he kidnap Santa Claus.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Reverse Pharmacology: Incredibly hilarious imagined symptoms of a placebo taken by medical test subjects under lab conditions.* close to 3 stars

*Pueblo Sleep Solutions presents 'The Bedtime Bruiser' (commercial)* 2 1/2 stars

*Don't Open Till Christmas (movie): Scotland Yard is on the case of serial slayings of Santas.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo gets an 8 track player for X Mas* 2 stars

*The Lobo (DC Comics character, not the guy from the 12:01 skits) Paramilitary Christmas Special: The Easter Bunny hires the meanest bounty hunter in the galaxy to hunt down and take out the fat man and his elves.* 3 stars

*Sleigh Runner: The Communist tradition of Christmas is put to an end by a Eastern European Rob Zombie lookalike cowboy killer.* 2 1/2 stars

*Happy Holidays to all the fans of the New Mission Impossible (tv series).* 3 stars

*"This Christmas forget milk and cookies. He wants blood." TWo Front Teeth (low budget movie trailer). The elves in this flick look pretty nightmarish and the characters, especially the black cowboy, look interesting. Interest peaked.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures Serial -The Crimson Ghost- Chapter 3- The Fatal Sacrifice: The Crimson Ghost's hideous high wire act.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*The metal band HEMI perform the song Dust to Dust live in a club.* close to 3 stars

*Neon Harbor presents Space Ninja the animated movie: A cyber dystopia mixed with feudal Japan. technology and swordplay eyecandy-gorgeous must see for me.* 3 stars

*Ro-Man mistakenly beheads Santa for Lobo who claims no responsibility for the death of the mythical character.* 2 1/2 stars

*Action International Home Pictures presents the "Gruesome Holiday shocker." "Elves" starring Grizzly Adams (retro movie trailer)* 3 stars

*Vinegar Syndrome presents on Blu Ray "You Better Watch Out" aka "Christmas Evil": And they've added a beautifully twisted painted portrait of the movie's tragic hero on the box art.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tales from the Crypt: The Ventriloquist's Dummy *Pathetic weirdo and hack ventriloquist comedian Bobcat Goldthwait's idol Don Rickles isn't really a retired, bitter legend of ventriloquism. He's actually a prisoner of his own responsibility to keep his beautiful-woman-hating, conjoined twin freak brother from ever killing again.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Deadline ----------

*Writing obituaries does seem like the typically morbid Summer job that a Springwood teenager would have.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Springwood, where suicidal teenagers wish they were dead so that they can be reunited with their ghost bff(s) and douchebag, ponytailed dreamlovers.* 2 stars

---------------------------------------------

Red Shoe Diaries: Safe Sex *A smooth talker brings a sad, vulnerable business professional lady in out of the rain, and she still makes him wear a raincoat in bed. So, so, softcore stories sent in to a personal ad's post office box and then picked up and retold by shadowy anywhere North America David Duchovny character, which is nice trimming for the show, but damn is the sensitive lite soul torch singing background music awful. I prefer a cheesy, solo saxophone over this -Lifetime For Women lyrics- boner killing tripe.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Brian De Palma's "The Black Dahlia" (2006) *I'm a sucker for Los Angeles noir settings, slaughtered pretty girls like Laura Palmer, and conspiracy art like Alan Moore's From Hell.* 2 1/2 stars

Transparent: season 1 -episode 1 *Three self absorbed siblings can't see past themeselves enough to be aware of their father for what he truly is and themselves for what they might actually be. The conservative side of me wants to say that this is more of liberal Hollywood's agenda to undermine traditional America by saying everyone secretly wants and would be happier with an alternative lifestyle. Also, I can't remember the last time I saw so many aesthetically interesting (not exploitive or trying too hard to be sexy) glimpses of comfortable nudity.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Cyrano DeBraniac *"The savage game of sexual attraction" requires all of one's synapses to be firing and it doesn't hurt to have a time and space manipulating genie, who's also sexy, to unzip Einstein's undead brain out of the fourth dimension.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr the Barbarian: Den of the Sleeping Demon *A pair of clumsy junior adventurers, and their huge bird friend, help rebury a genetic research monstrosity that was given a high voltage reawakening.* 3 stars

--- Swamp Thing: The Dark Side of the Mirror

*Everyone in this town is so stupid and easily manipulated that Arcane could have probably just walked up to the new determined district attorney, at dinner in a fancy restaurant, and shot him in the head, instead of genetically mutating the musclebound moronic deputy into a Swamp Thing double assassin.

The town formed an extremely enraged mob, in a matter of minutes, and even the longest running protagonist human characteron the show (Jim's mom) is willing to throw her morals aside for blind vengeance.

Thank goodness Jim's brother Will, the new female lead Kari Wuhrer, and Swamp Thing are decent characters.

I'm glad for the upgrade from Jim to Will. Will is a better character and it gives the show more of an adult cast and less of a Timmy fell down the well and needs to be saved, each week, routine.

Still, some of the acting is low quality from the extras.

Feels like they used the stunt man from the fight scenes to do the lines, to save money, when it would have been better to switch him out for a real actor.*

between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

--------------------------------------------------

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 17 *A wild goose chase for the legendary Mothman. The leader of PRS probably doesn't realize how much he comes off like X Files' Fox Mulder as he keeps repeating the phrase "I want to believe."* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Sentry *"Don't linger in the shadows." It will "rile the bile" about lizard-men living deep within the earth where corporations and shadowy government organizations are storing their darkest secrets. The most daring reporter,ever, of tabloid monster mysteries makes his last (documented) stand down there.* 3 stars

"Room 237" (2012) *"The past doesn't exist." But film historians, and fans, are still dissecting the ghost of Stanley Kubrick and the symbolic filmic events surrounding the almost mythical Overlook Hotel.* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "Conquest" (1983) *Cro-Magnon man was ruled by a cruel dominatrix / naked lady performance artist / new-age goddess, along with her band of fanatical furries. That is until Ronnie James Dio & Luke Skywalker changed things. Conquest establishes itself apart from other low budget and dumb sword & sorcery flicks, of the early 1980s, with its dreamlike aesthetic and gore-crazy practical special fx.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Begotten" (1990) *Imagine a super 8mm National Geographic hallucination of twitching, early 20th century mental patients being tortured and abused in the ruins of a 19th century pastoral southern gothic wasteland lurked over by pre-modern-civilization tribal sacrificial rites that are even more hellish and nightmarish than actual pagan practices predating contemporary times. Black mold on the walls of farmhouses with sun peeled paint and holes in the tin roof where the sound of dripping rain and viscus is constant on rusting metal surfaces that lie just beyond open rock quarries crawled over by lepers, in rags, dragging shaved and mutilated Christ-like figures who spew black stigmata from their weeping eyes and mouths.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Taint Misbehavin' *A dying Dan Halen requires the citizens of Dougal County to join him in the paradise of the afterlife. Granny and Early get giddy because they mistakenly believe they're going to a resort town in Tennessee, when they're actually heading for the ancient Egyptian land of the dead.* 2 1/2 stars

Workaholics -2015 Season- --preview trailer-- *Some Comedy Central money went into a 2 minute parody of the new Mad Max movie, popular crime tv shows like Sons of Anarchy, strippers, bullet porn fx, and "cool" explosions.* close to 2 1/2 stars (for the misguided effort)

Hannibal: Apéritif *The mongoose meets the cobra.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The House of the Seven Gargoyles *An icy fate for an acrobatic dwarf creeping around a castle posing as a gothic statue and trying to choke his unsuspecting victims.* 3 stars

Dr. Who (4th Doctor - Tom Baker): The Android Invasion *A Benedict Arnold astronaut returns from being lost in space, now brainwashed by aliens carrying a shipment of human replicants and a deadly virus.* 3 stars

Farscape: Jeremiah Crichton *Crichton becomes a castaway on green planet inhabited by a tribal, and somewhat peaceful people, although there is some jealousy when the daughter of the chief becomes smitten with Crichton. After spending part of a cycle looking for Crichton, Rigel and Dargo find him all scruffy and weather beaten. In a Return of the Jedi C3PO twist, Rigel is the tribe's prophesized messiah and the three must save these exiled, forced by forcefield to be primitive people, or else be sacrificed themselves due to stupid politics and a conspiracy of priestly hierarchy.* 3 stars

Bob & Margaret: For Pete's Sake *Bob's brother is a pretentious tv chef, and when he gets a gig in India, Bob and Margaret have to look after his two annoying brats.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Dark Music *The power to control demonic forces, living in the root cellar, lies in the sounds on the radio. A tired of being picked on paperboy uses this knowledge to payback the scummy metal-head bully next door and his mean, little sister.* 3 stars

"The Initiation of Sarah" (1978) *This feels like a hazy 70s tv movie version of Carrie the college years. Two sisters pledge and go through the occult like Greek sorrority ceremonies. The good looking one gets picked by Morgan Fairchild's meangirl sisters and has to be cruel to the other. The timid one has her telepathic powers exploited by a witch wannabe Shelly Winters in the rival plain Jane house complete with a maze backyard.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

---Thrashin'--- (1987) *Square jawed Josh Brolin is too straight laced to be taken seriously by skatepunks in the 80s L.A. skatescene. The leader of a gang of Lost Boys also wants Brolin to stay away from his out of town and just visiting, Idaho pretty tomato younger sister. It hits all the right notes for an 80s extreme sports fun adventure flick.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Fitting Punishment *A cheapskate ghetto mortician is willing to cut corners no matter the cost to human decency. He embalms using dirty tap water. He buys cheap coffins from China. He clips out the gold and silver teeth of the deceased. He even blames his orphaned nephew for being a financial burden and cripples him, then sells his Air Jordans to pay medical expenses. When that's not enough, he murders him and saws him a foot shorter above the ankles so that he can stuff the boy into a cheap coffin for Chinamen.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Film At Eleven *Llama stolen from the zoo and almost used in a slumland apartment voodoo ceremony. Cops style film crew documenting the precinct. Herman Dracula, alledged wannabe vampire. It's funny until he commits suicide in his private cell. Ballistics confirms that they've found the handgun used in the near fatal shooting of officers Renko & Hill. Relief comes with uncertainty. It's raining in the police station, the roof is leaking and everyone is getting the flu because of it. This show can't help but end on a melancholy note due to all the lingering emotions. Rollercoaster, as usual.* 3 stars

Tru Tv- --South Beach Tow-- --Bernice's Top 20-- *"Best of" countdown of fake reality show beatdowns by an angry black woman?* 1 star

Botched: Vagina Bomb! *The same network (E!) that encourages viewers to idolize trainwreck celebrities and their fake bodies, also exploits sick individuals who've butchered their own bodies in order to achieve that phony Hollywood dream. Of course this show is under the guise of "fixing" plastic surgery mistakes, but the client/patient usually receives even more body enhancements and still looks like a nightmare.* either zero stars or 2 stars

True Detective: The Long Bright Dark *Heathen homicide in a hick shit-haven where if one doesn't parrot the standard beliefs of others, and oddly speaks in a stream of consciousness like Cormac McCarthy, then one's peers tilt their heads and cock their ears like a confused dog in misunderstanding and disbelief.* 3 stars

---- New Year's Movie Marathon ---------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Time Runner (1992) *Spoilers, for The Force Awakens, ahead. Be Warned. Years after Return of the Jedi, Luke is having a midlife crisis and skynet is using star destroyers to blow up Los Angeles. So he travels back in time to the Washington Canadian border getting in ugly rental car chases with human looking alien Rae Dawn Chong and gunning down well armed baddies, along side the goofy deputy from Twin Peaks, & watching their hilarious death throes. All while making sure Senator Palpatine can't prevent Seth Rogen and James Franco from nuking North Korea thirty years in the future. Make sense?* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: 12 To The Moon ---plus--- "Dream to Design" -short- *The woman of the future visits the satellite of love and turns the robots crow and tom servo into kitschy househould appliances. meanwhile, the united nations of nasa proves earth's worthiness to the lunar neighbors.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing and between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without

Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" *A depressed Da Vinci with his wings clipped by the dulled scissors that society can no longer cut all the red tape with.* 3 stars

Fritz Lang's "Metropolis" *In my life of relative ease, I watch this movie on my cheap consumer electronics provided for me by workers in horrible third world conditions.* 3 stars

"Starry Eyes" (2014) *Ambition. Attrition. Ascension. All the way from Hooters Girl who can't get taken seriously at low-grade movie auditions to transforming into a Hollywood harlot comes at the price of one's soul taken by the Satanists who run the movie industry and helped sanctified with blood and betraying those closest also climbing the ladder.* close to 3 stars

"Messiah of Evil" (1973) *What if, after Thanksgiving, America honored the Donner Party Massacre by having Black Friday be masses of mad people tearing into raw red meat at supermarkets? This flick is like the eerie calm before an apocalypse. Too weird, almost, to describe, and if one tried to, a bug would appear on their tongue and they would cough up insects and lizards.* 3 stars

"Strange Days" (1995) *"Memories were meant to be forgotten. They were designed that way." Let old acquaintance as well. 20 year old predictions about the new century, by James Cameron, are still pretty relevant. Questions about the abuse of police force. Urban upheaval and riots. Voyeurism being a social media (though it's not as seedy as it's imagined in this movie).Things James Cameron got a little off are plenty too. Musicians stopped being, for the most part, political messengers. Trainwreck skank rock queens like Courtney Love aren't nearly as talented as James thinks or as worth going through hell over, but they're still a huge part of the media's obsession. Found footage and virtual reality may just be entertainment fantasy, but the themes in this movie are played out daily on actual viral videos.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Max Headroom: Academy *What if corporations had their own legal systems? What if a death penalty trial was turned into a tv game show? Viewers of the HLN network sort of get to experience this. What if criminal profiles were assigned to innocent people who fit a certain stereotype? Wait a minute....* 3 stars

Joe R. Lansdale's "Cold In July" (2014) *A considerate and well adjusted family man has to stand his ground, on shaky legs, but isn't in the overzealous camp of his hometown neighbors who wanna pat him on the back for it. He never feels right about the incident and his remorse pulls him into a world of Dixie mafia killings, Texas Mexico border crime, and a friendship with a flamboyant and dogged private detective and the deeply burdened man who mistakenly stalked the family man's family when he was wrongly convinced the family man slayed his son in the stand your ground incident. In a bizarre twist, the three men come together to help the deeply burdened man solve his burden of putting down his wayward son who's making snuff films with hookers. It reminds me a lot of William Devane's "Rolling Thunder," another revenge flick with a lot of bitter sorrow and dark themes.* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- --The Comedy Network-- (1998) *Tom is an absurdist comedian who can sometimes be traditionally clever in his humor. He drinks purple koolaid with a cult who worship an alien version of Jesus Christ's brother, he ruins an Elvis impersonator street performance and almost gets his ass kicked for it, and he continues to try to prove he's the biggest idiot in the room.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Prisoner: The Schizoid Man *The Village have number 6 convinced he's twice the man he was using an uncanny double.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 episode 7 *"People work together when it suits them, they're loyal when it suits 'em, they love when it suits 'em, and they kill when it suits them."* 3 stars

"Under the Skin" (2013) *Scarlet Joe Handsome is an enticing alien, in a black wig and brightly painted lips, driving around Scotland, in a pedo van, indifferently observing all the quiet, everyday human suffering and luring horny, confused men back to her abandoned building / nest / spaceship(?) --where they step sinking into a surreal black pool of liquid.* either 1/2 a star or 2 stars

American Horror Story- -Coven -The Replacements *Sober Santeria. What other show is going to have a pothead, white trash mom molest her patchwork monster, back from the morgue, college boy son? or let a juicy and morbidly obese black virgin finger herself in front of a minotaur? not many spring to mind.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: The Edge *Zanatos uses the steel clan and a Tony Stark type tech gargoyle suit to frame the real gargoyles for the museum heist of 'the eye of Odin,' in order to have the cops chasing them all around town and scare them into coming back under the wings of his 'protection,' which would have the gargoyles inprisoned in a research lab.* 3 stars

Rifftrax - Total Riff Off - Man vs. Monster *"Meeting the channel's factual quota, we now return to the bullshit." Rifftrax skewers another one of those pretentious explorer douchebags, from National Geographic Wild, that are always trying to turn a simple creature of nature into a tall tale monster.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

Son of the Beach: With Sex You Get Eggroll *satire of sex slaves and sex jokes, both smartly done.* 3 stars

Carman -Yo Kidz! -The Vidz *Gnarly Jesus dudes, hip musical kids, and cumbersome cat costumes.* 1 star

Morton Downey Jr.: Cults *A man who once had a cult-like tv audience examines mind control organizations and self-help pseudo-religions.* close to 3 stars

Mel Brooks in "High Anxiety" *Side-splitting neuroses.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Korman's Kalamity *A cartoonist's monstrous creations come to life after years of nagging from an abusive spouse and his recent forced use of an experiment male potency medication.* 2 1/2 stars

"Al-TV" -April Fools Day 1984 *"I could just watch videos all day until my brain turned to mush. Couldn't you?" Weird Al takes over MTV from its bland video disc jockeys and turns the channel into the absurdity it should be.* 3 stars

"Traxx" (1998) *"Be good, be gone, or be dead." Shadoe Stevens is one tough cookie as he parodies every 80s action hero vigilante and western cowboy cliche come to clean up a Troma version of a Texas town in one of the weirdest, left field comedies ever.* 3 stars

Hippies: Protesting Hippies *Simon Pegg tries to spark a Y2K revival of the comedic rebelliousness of The Young Ones with a Britcom That 60s Show.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Pilot Episode *A "Jew, New York doctor" finds unspoiled land, wildlife, hell... even people (patients) "just waiting to be fondled" in middle-of-nowhere, Alaska.* 3 stars

X Files: Space *Otherworldy phantom sabotaging shuttle missions. A study on how stifled and subdued the space program has become.* 2 1/2 stars

"Freaks, Nerds, and Weirdos" -MTV (1994) *MTV NEWS looks at Generation X's social outcasts like nerdy hipster college kids, quirky celebrities, and alternative musicians and they talk about their struggles with being different from "the norm." Ironically, the show is framed with commercials featuring beautiful skin care and fashion model young people bragging about how great it is to be one of the in group of the beautiful ones.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Myth of the American Sleepover" (2010) *The last bittersweet days of Summer and the pre-conceived notion of sublimity for a group of suburban teenagers. Indie movies about the adolescent rite of passage to adulthood aren't as fun as exploitation flicks about the same thing, but the delicate and thoughtful manner in which the subject matter is approached allows for more personal reflection for the viewer.* close to 3 stars

Turner Classic Movies: Beneath the Planet of the Apes *Twice as bleak of an ending as the first.* 3 stars

--- "Bates Motel" (1987)

*After spending his youth in the looney bin with Norman Bates as his father figure, Bud Court (Harold & Maude), and a great casting choice, inherits the Bates Motel from the deceased Norman whom he carries around in an urn afterwards.

With the help of a spunky squatter (Lori Petty) and a Morgan Freeman esque handyman, he reopens the falling apart eyesore and deals with the rumors of the place being haunted and the fast moving yuppies of the 80s who wanna exploit the property to keep with the changing and advancing landscape of the times.

Tonally a weird mixture of maudlin and mockingly humorous. Whoda thunk they could take a legacy of a Hitchcock suspense thriller and throw in one those feel good fixing up the place montages, a Happy Days 1950s teen ghosts dance party with a dreamlover angel Jason Bateman, and Scooby Doo villain plot twist?*

either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

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"An Evening With Bobcat Goldthwait, Share The Warmth" (1987) *Bobcat chugs two six-packs of TAB and then proceeds to frighten uncomfortable laughter out of a group of yuppies in a nightclub.* 2 1/2 stars

"Beyond Vaudeville" (1986-90s) *Best of a weird NYC public access variety show with guests and acts like Grandpa Munster, Tiny Tim, "the Edith Bunker of massage," climbing Harpo's ladder with Wavy Gravy, Burt Reynold's fantasy Turkish woman (possible delusional stalker), Greg Brady, the arm and the giant from Twin Peaks, the theme from the Flying Nun on spoons, Rock Around the Clock in Yiddish, an Underdog / Dracula enthusiast / interpretive dancer, and many other pathetic bizarre folk. Sammy Davis who?* 3 stars

Morton Downey Jr.: Central Park Squatters *A heated shouting match between freaks and fascists over the issue of gentrification.* 3 stars

"Scoundrels" (1982) a Cecil Howard adult film *"Life's too fucking short." Ron Jeremy is the long dick, long suffering dad, just like Kevin Spacey, in a sexually frustrated slice of American Pie.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Murder House- "Rubber Man" *"What is it about being dead that makes me so horny?" Hysterical lady troubles.* close to 3 stars

"The Guest" (2014) *A psychotic super-soldier gone awol and come to roost with the troubled family of a fallen comrade. Pulses like an homage to 80s action movies in the vein of John Carpenter.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 1 *Bluegrass Helter Skelter.* 3 stars

Chrisley Knows Best: The Great Outdoors *Chrisley reluctantly takes his sons camping at the lake, while wishing he were more like his hero Oprah and scaring his 8 year old with the legend of Jason Vorhees.* 2 stars

Comic Book Men: Ghostbusting at the Stash *Sitting around ye ole podcast table and sharing spooky stories about things like the Jersey Devil.* 1 star

"The White Buffalo" (1977) *Charging out of Hell and into Heaven were men like Wild Bill, Crazy Horse, and Charles Bronson.* 3 stars

Kung Fu, the series: Dark Angel *Words lost, eyes blinded, and riches not found, but, at the same time, roots replanted, senses regained, and faith restored.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion U.S.A. (feature) & A Date with the Family (short) *Rigid dinners with loved ones, or heavy drinking with a group of barflies, is a great opportunity to discuss how every American should do more in their part to combat the Red Menace.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

"My Mom's A Werewolf" (1988) *An underappreciated housewife goes to the pet store to get a flea collar for the family dog, and winds up having the mom jeans charmed off of her, and replaced with fur, by a hair-piece wearing lycanthrope (John Saxon).* 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Black Tickets ------------------

*A young Brad Pitt runs over himself running into himself running away from his problems.* 2 stars

*Having a baby is hellish, even if Brad Pitt is the daddy.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---------------------------------------------------

USA Up All Night -with host Rhonda Shear -Valentine's Special -----------------

*Lovers Lovers (feature movie): Neurotic & horny 30 something year old professionals in the city of Angels. It's like a softcore version of Seinfeld.* 2 stars

*Starburst California Raisins style commercial where the Starburst candies get taken to the bad side of town called Twisted Town.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Girls of Paradise (phone sex commercial): 3 stars

*Rhonda hangs out in the honeymoon suite with a amorous bell boy who has chest hairs a plenty.* 3 stars

*Twix commercial parodies the plane crash movie "Alive" in a funny scenario where one guy tricks the other into thinking they're being rescued so that he can have both Twix candy bars to himself.* 3 stars

*Rhonda tries to get a honeymooning and arguing couple's bride out of her hotel room bathroom.* 2 1/2 stars

*Free brochure for TV Parental Ratings guidelines* 3 stars

*"Mel" (taking his name from a PayDay caramel candy bar wrapper) calls up a phone sex hotline to talk to the horny chick about covering her in peanuts and creamy caramel in a funny PayDay commercial.* 3 stars

*"Every day people like me and you are proving why the 'Psychic Solution' is so popular." Obvious payed employees of this phone scam network give false testimonials about their amazing experiences talking to phone psychics.* either zero or 3 stars

*"Imagine being forced to make love. Now, imagine thousands will die if you dont. Will she? Won't she? Or will she just kick some ass?!" La Femme Nikita preview for an upcoming 1997 episode. Haha.* 3 stars

*Rhonda coaches sweet talk to a dumb husband who gets all her amorous advice lines all wrong.* 3 stars

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Weird Science: Magnifico Dad *Mom gets her birthday wish for dad to turn into male supermodel hunk Fabio.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Silence of the Clams *"The beach is meant for solitude, not senseless orgying. Cancel Spring Break or else."* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Fortress of Fear *A many eyed wizard wants Ariel as his bride.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Silent Screams *"Eye of the hurricane, listen to yourself turn. World serves its own needs, Dummy, serve your own needs." Arcane is selling eco-terrorism to the highest bidder. First in line to be served, shadowy agents of the U.S. government, and they're willing to sacrifice a small, swamp town to test the effectiveness.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Invisible Monster *Turn off the life light, don't let it shine or else be taken in by the hungering Pac-Man esque ghost of an animated mass of energy. Look out, because it's a one-eyed, giant, purple, people-eater.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Super Specs *Do "They Live" or is it just an April Fool's Day trick of the mind thanks to a phony trick gifts shop's surprisingly effective super specs glasses?* close to 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Shadow Boxer *A bum fighter uses cursed gloves to separate his dark side from his body and sends the shadow out to stick it to his opponents.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 18 *Penn State freshman lions turn themselves into fraidy cats with the passing around of campus legends and the playing of an ancient Japanese ghost story game called '100 Candles.'* 2 stars

Penny Dreadful: season 1 episode 1 *For a moment, I thought Frankenstein and his monster were going to passionately kiss on the mouth. It was weird.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: season 1 episode 6 *"He eats disease. He likes to be scratched behind the ears. He's horrible, beautiful." 3 stars

The Outer Limits: If These Walls Could Talk *CGI Ryan Reynolds. He's not Green Lantern. He's possibly a 'Casper' or at the very least a molecular anomaly. His mom can't let go of the mystery around his disappearance and his frequenting of a so-called haunted house. She's a paranormal believer. She swears she hears him crying out in the haunted house. She befriends a pyschic phenomena debunker. They get drunk, share their hearbreak over the afterlife or lack thereof. They stir up spirits or at least a cold case crime scene. They learn about the mystery behind a previous owner who was a reclusive scientist and find his hidden room complete with strange meteor. It ends with them covered in ectoplasmic goo.* 2 1/2 stars

"Father Guido Sarducci Goes to College" (1985) *Vatican City versus Disneyland.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Mute Witness to Murder *Some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger. And some enchanted evening, you may witness a brutal murder. That enchanted evening may damage the psyche.* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Double Dare *Necessity is the mother of virtue. A business professional lady needs the thrill of an erotic game of show and tell via fax machine dirty messages and flashes of bare flesh across facing office building windows with a sexy stranger, but she can't take it to the next step and cheat on her husband in person.* 2 1/2 stars

"Computer Beach Party" *Weirdly played, and ridiculously overdubbed, dorky sex comedy that maybe comes close to deserving cult status.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Total Riff Off: Animals Behaving Badly *Horny deer. Smoking ape. Rascally raccoon. Pooping cheetah. Shoe humping tortoise. Horny dolphin. Indian woman breastfeeding a calf. Chicago city coyote. rat infanticide, and the classic panda attacking jacket guy.* 3 stars with riffing between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without

"RoadRacers" (1994) a Robert Rodriguez film *David Arquette as a scumbag greaser, James Dean wannabe with Salma Hayek as his main squeeze. Sounds unconvincing, but somehow they pull it off. Also, great tunes from the era of rockabilly, decent villains like the town asshole cop William Sadler, and Deadwood's Saul Starr as the sci fi and sinful thrills obsessed sidekick.* 2 1/2 stars

Richard Linklater's "Boyhood" (2014) *Maybe the best ever use of scripted reality in dramatic entertainment. Following two siblings for over a decade as we watch them grow and deal with their movie parents a psychology student-into-teacher mother (Patricia Arquette) and their sometimes deadbeat other times often extremely caring and liberal-slacker poet papa (Ethan Hawke), along with step siblings, abusive drunk stepfathers, plus all the growing pains and life steps that happen along the way to young adulthood.* 3 stars (for achievement in the portayal of life) or zero stars (for every character being so unlikeable)

--Starz-- --The Missing: episode 1 *A wrenching, quiet, and moody look at the frantic hours around parents dealing with the disappearance of a child and how the effects of that trauma are still haunting them, and others involved with the memory, years later.* 3 stars

American Gothic: Damned If You Don't *Dang ole' tornado of the soul.* 3 stars

"Din of Celestial Birds" (2006) *inherent iniquities* 2 1/2 stars

True Detective: Seeing Things *Pussy, fantasy, illusion, delusion, hallucination, justification, nightmare, and revelation.* 3 stars

X Files: Fallen Angel *Toxic cover up and lies with an official seal.* 2 1/2 stars

"Night Dreams" (1981) xxx *Bound by wild desire, Dorothy LeMay fell into a ring of fire.* 3 stars

--- MTV's True Life: I'm Preparing for the End of the World

*An obese, and (from how he's presented on this docu show) low i.q. suffering, young father moves his pregnant wife, two young boys, and yummy pet rabbits & chickens to an isolated farm in the mountains.

There he rambles about doomsday scenarios and his family assists in setting up booby traps that are more dangerous to themselves than anyone else.

My advice is to lay off the extra bunny, at dinner, and to not homeschool the kids about the proper way to filter goat piss into a drinkable water alternative, but instead to exercise as a family and to get out in society and work towards not ending up with an apocalypse.

Next, we have two priviledged college twins who are so quirky and idiotic that they jokingly form a two person cult where they bother college campus students and the city's homeless population with their pretend rhetoric.

Low point being when they claim to be getting prepared to raise their consciousness beyond the normal soulless zombie, just before tossing a twenty dollar bill into the air for a group of hungry homeless and junkies to wrestle over.*

1 star

-----------------------------------------------------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Feminism *Mort and feminist lawyer Gloria Allred go toe to toe and almost mouth to mouth with the sexual tension between them (just kidding).* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Television Terror *A t.v. station scores big ratings, when Morton Downey Jr. is murdered, live on the air, while investigating a haunted house.* 3 stars

"Too Young To Die?" (1990) *A trailer trash teen runaway (Juliette Lewis) gets the death penalty for the murder of her soldier guy former lover, thanks to her hick pimp/pusher (Brad Pitt).* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -Asylum- "The Coat Hanger" *Forgiving trespasses. Ian McShane almost seems too good for any show after his iconic role in Deadwood, but he finds one here as a blackly humorous and blasphemous sinner/killer in a setting that keeps getting more depraved and strange. Bucket of KFC chicken and skinning victims alive killer mixed piece joke. Priest drowning at a baptism. Priest crucifiction. The dirty history of pre legalized abortions. Cruel head nun gets on the other end of looney torture. A Nazi butcher / mad scientist seeking aliens because he appreciates their eugenic techniques and getting sent his own Mary with a possible alien seed in her belly.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Amuse-Bouche *"It takes one to know one." A human fungus wants understanding.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Friends for Dinner *"Another domestic dilemma." Bob and Margaret continue to define themselves different from their rude peers, while still retaining a flawed quality that makes them so relatable to the average person.* close to 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Model *"If she learns to swim, next thing she'll want to learn to drive." A nutter doesn't want his nude centerfold wife to take swimming lessons. Olives on pizza distaste, and a compulsion to pull any wallpaper off the wall -weirdness. Also, the swimming lessons oath includes everyone but practioners of karate and the pop star Sting.* 3 stars

Hippies: Hairy Hippies *The animals of Aquarius are gonna tear your prick off.* 3 stars

Farscape: Durka Returns *"The difference between a knife attack and life saving surgery." The outer space adjustment bureau can turn anyone they want into an attitude corrected slave.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Deities *When it comes to matters of the spirit, people often forget what it means being human.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Captured Souls *Sometime in the early 90s, the Obamas and their daughter nearly had the life sucked out of them by a mirror-spy-tech mad-science-geezer posing as an ole timey tween boy with a ridiculous hairstyle that was almost as bad as Obama's soul glow mullet of the time.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Fearful Pranks Ensue" *supreme sacrifice* close to 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: You Have The Right To Remain Silent *A lady cop kidnaps and forces herself on a strong willed guy who won't show her any attention at the gym. I would have laughed if it were a case of her not having any gay-dar.* close to 2 1/2 stars and 1 1/2 a stars for the safe sex sales pitch

Hill Street Blues: Choice Cut *supermarket standoff with a side of beef.* 2 1/2 stars

Fargo: The Rooster Prince *"Savagery, pure and simple."* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Orphans" *The most sympathetic character on the show, Pepper, has a continuation of maybe the most tragic character arc of any character in all of American Horror Story, with a cameo from a character from Asylum.* close to 3 stars

MTV's "Eye Candy" extended peak *Disney channel(?) teen pop idol and now hacker (rolls eyes) in a serial killer stalker show with MTV style "edgy" (crap) aesthetics. The psycho stuffing smartphones in the mouths of victims is unintentionally ludicrous and laughable.* 1 1/2 stars

"Living With Michael Jackson" *"We would wake at dawn and go up in the hot air balloon. I have the footage. It's all very charming and innocent. That's ignorant. Who's the Jack the Ripper in the Room?" Was it exploitive journalist Martin Bashir or delusional Peter Pan wannabe Jacko?* either 3 stars or zero stars

Prime Time Thursday -ABC- Martin Bashir on his Michael Jackson documentary (2003?) *ABC gets a few more nasty kicks in to the wounded weirdo.* 2 stars

The Michael Jackson Interview, The Footage You Were Never Meant To See *--FOX--* (2003)

*"Becareful what you do, because the lie becomes the truth."

Maury Povich pauses from hosting & revealing ghetto / white trash paternity tests to take an investigative behind the scenes footage look at the Martin Bashir documentary on MJ.

An almost propaganda piece trying to repair Jackson's image and justify his strange behavior, but it does shine a light on the deceitful approach of Bashir's manipulative tactics in getting close to Jackson via gaining his trust with comments approving of Michael's generosity and attitudes towards children and Michael's personal life in other ways, and then turning around and only showing the most sensational things in his "Living With Michael Jackson" documentary.*

2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: pilot episode "UFO Encounter" *The teachers of troubled teens, those are the real heroes. This show has great music, and I don't just mean the cheesy wonderful theme song.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (feature) & The Truck Farmer (short) *Cultivate, refrigerate, exaggerate, denigrate.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Son of the Beach: In The G-Hetto *"Read my lips, I'm going down there and I'm going to lick your posse, and I'm going to enjoy it."* 2 1/2 stars

Black Sails: season 1 episode 1 *Blackbeard's snatch. Captain Flint's fluoride smile. Long John Silver's sexy good looks. I doubt these third world bandits were really this stylized.* 2 1/2 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" (1988) *Heaven for guys who like big tits and Hell for guys who don't like to be chopped into little bits.* 3 stars

Hollywood Hillbillies: Headin' For Hollywood *Another internet infamous sensation extends he and his grandmother's 15 minutes of fame by acting as crass and crazy as possible for the reality tv cameras.* 1 star

TLC presents My Husband's Not Gay *These Latter Day Saint women believe that they have it made, because, with another woman, their husband would never stray. I wonder if the LGBT community would stand up for the rights of the "same sex attracted" who don't act on it for religious reasons, or if... ha... of coure not.* either zero or 2 1/2 stars

"Monster" (2003) *A look at someone, on the fringes of life, whose feral impulses sadly couldn't be justified even though she endured a life of inhuman treatment.* 3 stars

Viper: Pilot Movie *Not just a tv show promoting a crime fighting futuristic Dodge motor company concept car, maybe also a question of whether giving career criminals a clean slate of memory is violating their civil rights or not.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"Midnight Plowboy" xxx (1971) *Welcome To The Jungle as performed by Going To The Country's Canned Heat.* 2 stars

Woops!: pilot episode (1992) *99.999999% of the world's population has died in a fiery hot flash, but a few quirky yuppies survive to yuck it up on a small farm. Cue the laugh track.* 2 stars

X Files: Eve *bloodthirsty replicas* 3 stars

"Nomads" (1986) *Searching too deep beneath the surface of reality, a cultural archaeologist starts being stalked by a skid row spirit-tribe.* close to 3 stars

Manimal: Manimal *Transmutation is not for the faint or feint of heart.* 2 1/2 stars

---- "Tusk" a Kevin Smith film (2014)

*20th century man spent his time doing amazing things, and had tales to tell later.

21st century man spends most of his time talking about ridiculous things.

This time 21st century man accomplishes one of those ridiculous things.

How to go about summing up something like this...

3 stars for the crazy screenplay.

3 stars for the incredible walrus special fx by Robert Kurtzman.

3 stars for Michael Parks' truly demented serial killer / world's most interesting man character.

2 stars for Haley Joel Osment's nerdy twenty something podcast comedy partner.

almost 2 1/2 stars for Justin Long's obnoxious and self absorbed hipster mustached podcast comedian.

3 stars for Justin Long's suffering through hell tortured and experimented on in the most gruesome way possible walrus-man.

1 1/2 stars for all the podcast nonsense.

either zero stars or 3 stars for Johnny Depp's Mike Myers esque eccentric inspector character.

and to finish out the whole whacked out affair, either 1 star or 3 stars for the absurd ending.*

===================================================================

Wizards and Warriors: The Unicorn of Death *Mind over matter. Also, lightning hawks, hawks that shoot lightning.* 3 stars

"Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood" *"One fish two fish red fish blue fish, knick knack paddywhack give a dog a bone, Two thousand zero zero party over oops out of time, my bacon's smelling fine." The Wayans, just off of In Living Color and a handful of blackspoitation movies, take on Boyz in the Hood & Friday with their brand of satire that hadn't quite soured just yet like it would with the Scary Movie series. Somewhat not bad, nowhere as good as say an episode of Chapelle Show, but almost on the level of something like Comedy Central's Key & Peele.* 2 stars plus 3 stars for Bernie Mac's cameo speech

Freddy's Nightmares: School Daze ----------

*No more homework, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks. Just robotic students.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Standard Achievement Torture.* 2 1/2 stars

-------------------------------------

"Ben and Arthur" (2002) *I'm sure that everyone involved with this shot-on-video "movie" had their big, gay hearts in the right place, but the results are so oddly misguided that it cursed the gay rights movement and set queer equality back at least a decade.* 1 star

Tales From The Crypt: My Brother's Keeper *Two guys attached at the ass-cheek, now that's freaks. And it's definitely a wild half of the siamese situation if Timothy Stack is the straight laced one.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Cannon Video: Fifty Fifty (1993) *A couple of "in it for the money" mercenaries find a change of heart and purpose, when they're sold out by the U.S. government after initially being hired to train a ragtag group of villagers to overthrow a cruel dictator.* close to 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Double Danger *monkeying around with hallucinagens* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Operation Double 007 *"Terrorists were a lot more fun back then." Thankfully, Sean Connery's brother, Neil, also didn't try to rip off Highlander 2 or Zardoz.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 stars without

The Prisoner: The General *Blind memorization is a learn-ed way for a slave to show its appreciation to its masters.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 19 *"Balancing faith and science" as the lead investigator questions whether or not he should debunk a crazy lady's haunting experiences.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: Walk A Mile In My Shoots *Arcane and Swamp Thing trade places.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "Burn, Witch, Burn" *Ask me no questions and I'll tell thee no lie. Mama's little baby love shortenin'. Fry fry fry. Febreeze will get the odors out of any room where dead things lie.* 3 stars

American Gothic: Dead to the World *Denial ain't just a river in Bum-Fuck, Egypt.* close to 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 2 *Rhythm, romancin', runnin', and rippin' up the floorboards.* 3 stars

"The Census Taker" (1984) *"An outrageous invasion of privacy."* 3 stars

Hannibal: Potage *Manipulation in Maryland, Minnesota, and the media.* 3 stars

X Files: Fire *amorous arsonist* 2 1/2 stars

12 Monkeys: Pilot episode *Hourglasses of the hydra.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Thirteenth Floor" (1999) *"Hate to see that evening sun go down." Digital virtual deja-vu.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Birthright *Senator Al Gore is all about shooting up with supplements and saving the environment by saturating it with methane for his alien race to take over and inhabit.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Brains, Know How and Native Intelligence *singing the body electric and fixing the plumbing.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Love, Native American Style *firebush and big hose* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Island of the Body Snatchers *Ariel almost loses her mind and her body in the mystery zone.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Twisted Claw *Wish in one hand, let a vulture shit in the other.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Eegah! *RRRR! Richard Kiel is really big and really lonely and he wants to rape a gal named Roxy. It's like King Kong set in a resort desert town where a Ricky Nelson reject is constantly rocking out.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Weird Science: The Feminine Mistake *The guys get turned into chicks and experience what the other sex has to go through with horny guys like themselves.* 3 stars

Jack London's "Call of the Wild" starring Charlton Heston & featuring "Buck" the dog *Buck worth more than all the gold in the Klondike.* 3 stars

"Ax Giant" *"All strut and no gut." Paul Bunyan puts a cgi sawblade through Grizzly Adams' bear-sized head for eating his blue ox named Babe.* 2 stars

MLK Day Tribute ---------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Racism with Dr. Charles King (2 appearances on the show) *One of the last ballsy, crazy, and passionately confused conversations about race conducted by the media before political correctness closed the door.* either zero or 3 stars

---------------------------------------------

Abel Ferarra's "King of New York" (1990) *Max Shreck, magnanimous and soulful.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

X Files: Beyond the Sea *Serial killer -Brad Dourif- claims to channel the beyond and a grieving Scully's recently deceased dad. but is he just a coward staying execution?* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "The New York Ripper" *quacking misogyny* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Talk To Me Baby *"You gonna believe your eyes or are you gonna believe me?" Shared feelings and Samson-haired Bud "tries" to be less of a horndog for other women, but he's only a man afterall and after a night at the bar watching a wet t-shirt contest. If his hot foreign accent nympho girlfriend don't forgive him and talk, he's gonna flip his muscle car and go out Romeo style with her in the passenger seat.* 3 stars

William Friedkin's "Cruising" (1980) *assault, alarm, assuage, acclimate, assplay, and arrest* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Girl In Lovers Lane *Drifters and the females who foolishly fawn over them. A Route 66 romantic tragedy.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

American Horror Story: Murder House "Spooky Little Girl" *The apparition of the Black Dahlia is misdiagnosed with acute anxiety.* 3 stars

Nic Cage is "Left Behind" (2014) *Bono raptured. U2 concert postponed.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Cabin Fever -----------

*Fly the Freddy skies.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

*Freddy finds his Laura Palmer.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-----------------------------------------

True Detective: The Locked Room *Scarred snowflakes* 3 stars

"Night Warning" (1983) *"Fuckin' deviants, the world is full of 'em." Hoop dreams, ''homophobia'', and a hilariously insane Susan Tyrrell.* 3 stars

Svengoolie: House of Horrors *Creepin' on art critics.* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Secret *Blue hued and sweet toothed tale of a wolf boy adopted by vampires.* 3 stars

Charles Bronson in "Cold Sweat" *A History of Violence in a French fishing village with American muscle car action.* close to 3 stars

Viper: Once A Thief *Viper-Man takes a suped-up stroll down memory lane with his delinquent former protege, Robin.* 2 1/2 stars

Son of the Beach: Two Thongs Don't Make A Right *The Devil's butt floss and daddy's B.J.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Betsy Russell is a "Tomboy" *Battle of the sexes in a light-hearted, cheesy reality that's not afraid to get raunchy.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Magical Thinking" *Weak men and strong women.* close to 3 stars

Paranormal Witness: The Visitors *It's either one of two scenarios for this episode: A) A door to door salesman is duped into believing he's cursed with demons and uses his scientific background, and connections, to explain it. or B) A bored, middle-aged former scientist, and his tech buddies, try to establish a hoax with alledged proof of the paranormal.* 2 stars

The Greatest American Hero: The Hit Car *Heavier than air, heavy like Shakespeare.* 3 stars

"Killdozer" (1974) *Grizzled workmen in an isolated setting sci-fi horror that's similar to and yet almost a decade ahead of John Carpenter's "The Thing."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 Episode 2 *Cooking up a kingdom, of reprieve, through barter and betrayal.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Dolph Lundgren in "Dark Angel" aka "I Come In Peace" (1990) *Phantasm's The Tall Man the cyberpunk / heavymetal years, now available on projectile compact-disc, just in time for a White-boy's Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric -Bedtime Stories: The Endorsement *Subversive swipe at Sunset BLVD* 3 stars

Puppy-Bowl: Unnecessary Roughness *Puppies wrestling at the "50 yard line" and hamsters overhead in a tiny blimp. This is okay with PETA, yet I can no longer go to my cockfights on Friday nights.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Kung Fu: Blood Brother *Dignity should not remain surrendered or buried in the mire.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Roar of the Lion *(Traditional Chinese costumes) Lion versus dragon in a kung-fu dance off ceremony that's also comedy gold in a stunt filled comedy filled flick.* 3 stars

Manimal: Illusion *Manimal predicted the Siegfried & Roy tragedy, and Richard Lynch plays a diplomatic immunity villain before Lethal Weapon does the same.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

King of the Hill: It Ain't Over Till The Fat Neighbor Sings *"What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again." In Hank's reality, he loses it when he can't micro-manage any poor decision making that's always hilariously exaggerated.* 3 stars

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Group Dates *Dennis comes unhinged when women rate him, online, as a zero. Frank can't keep Mac & Charlie from offending their blind dates, and he can't keep his cockring from slipping off. Dee's plan to stick it to men by giving them one night stands winds up backfiring.* 3 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: Season 1 Episode 7 *Black noises, thirsting voices striking, impeaching.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

15 Storeys High: Blue Rat *All of the energy, none of the fuss, plus a pony.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: Season 1 Finale *A is for anxiety and or African American spirit girl humming to a sensitive, young medium girl.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

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