#kevin’s ‘bottomless guilt’ for jean

[jeanmoreaue]

can’t stop thinking about the idea of a Kevin pov prequel like starting with his time in the nest, befriending Jean, breaking his hand, leaving the nest and meeting his father for the first time, the decision to join the Foxes, and the decision to finally start playing again after thinking his whole world was coming down around him, and then ending with the decision to recruit Neil. i could go on

[realgansey]

Kevin and Jean’s love for each other is just SO. Kevin’s postcards and magnets to Jean; his learning French for him; the promise he made Jean make to him; his sending him to his favorite team, the team he knew was the kindest.

His inability to express it is also so heartbreaking to me. Like Jean said himself that they just couldn’t talk but he also said that “the best Kevin could manage was bottomless guilt.” And Jean saying that he once would’ve done anything for Kevin and, even worse, that Kevin knew just that and that’s how he managed to escape Evermore.

A lot of Kevin’s actions can be (mis)construed as selfish. He used French at Jean’s expense to try and get Riko to stop hitting him, he left Evermore without Jean, he let Neil keep playing for the Foxes despite knowing that it could cost him his life because he wanted to win, he didn’t tell Wymack he was his father until he absolutely had to.

Jean at his core is a giving person, conditioned to not know when to stop. He takes whatever happens to him and is convinced he deserves it, no matter what. He does what people tell him to do. He protects Riko even when he’s dead. He still loves the Ravens. He saved Zane’s life, Zane who betrayed him so thoroughly and deeply, without a moment’s hesitation or even thought. At age 14 and probably for years before, he protected and parented Elodie. He would do anything for Neil. He would STILL do anything for Kevin.

[khevinday]

i've seen a lot of people talking about how different kevin is from jean's pov and i just have to say that kevin isn't different in tsc, neil just isn't jean.

neil's pov of kevin is more than the simple flip between Kevin Day the Celebrity and Kevin Day the Insufferable Bitch (which is a consistent trait across all three pov's we see kevin trough) or Kevin Day the Coward. i would even go as far as to say that kevin is infinitely more complex through neil's eyes because neil can't decide how he feels about kevin.

for jean it's almost simpler (almost). he loved kevin; 'once upon a time he would have done anything for (kevin)', but then kevin left and jean felt betrayed and abandoned and he wanted to hate kevin but at the end of the day he doesn't. he knows kevin in ways neil doesn't and may never, but to say that we only see kevin's sincere intentions and gentleness through jean's eyes is just incorrect.

kevin and jean can't even speak to each other because before they can ever get anywhere they will have to talk about riko and what riko did to them and in turn the things that made them do to each other. kevin and jean go no contact because that is better than talking about riko, but when neil came back from evermore kevin was willing to revisit those nightmares he'd been running from if neil needed to talk about it and the fact 'that he tried at all was so unexpected neil felt it like a balm to every bruised inch of his skin.'

kevin feels 'bottomless guilt' for leaving jean to riko, he is likely tormented by everything he was forced to standby and watch or even participate in. kevin is broken when neil begins to get to know him in the foxhole court but that gentleness that jean sees, the complexity of kevin's vulnerability and his defensive, detached disposition is just as present in neil's observations. neil is more apprehensive about it than jean, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.

[kevinsdsy]

“sometimes riko let kevin stay with him afterward.”

kevin’s gaze moved over jean in a slow sweep, taking stock of his injuries. jean knew better than to look for anger in his stare; the best kevin could manage was bottomless guilt. kevin had seen worse than this before. sometimes riko let kevin stay with him afterward.

jean could barely breathe. every short breath he took required so much effort that he didn't know how he normally did it with such ease. he felt like he was dying, but that was such a familiar feeling that he worried he must wake up tomorrow anyway. kevin’s green eyes were as distracting as they were alarming. if kevin was allowed to stay, jean must be looking like hell right now. he counted his breaths just to make sure he was actually breathing, and when he finally convinced himself he wasn’t going to take his last breath, he tried to get up.

he barely managed it, but with kevin’s help he was able to get himself up into a sitting position. kevin’s expression was as familiar as it was sickening. he had seen the bottomless guilt many times before.

i am jean moreau. i belong to the moriyamas. i will endure. jean knew his place. jean knew he would endure as much as riko needed him to. so why was kevin looking at him like that? how did kevin dare look at him with so much sympathy and guilt on his face that jean wondered if he deserved to be in this position. i am jean moreau. i belong to the moriyamas. i will endure. jean immediately cursed himself out for even letting the thought slip.

“jean…” jean huffed—it was the only response he could manage right now. “can you get up?” kevin silently asked in french. non. jean knew the answer already, but he still tried to get up. it was a desperate attempt, but kevin didn’t comment on it. “let’s get you to the wall. it’s just gonna be a few steps.” kevin assured him. the few steps felt like a mile, but with kevin’s help jean managed to place his back to the wall which gave him some kind of balance. kevin sat next to jean and jean turned his face to kevin. kevin took this as his chance to softly take jean’s face in his hands and place his fingers on jean’s bottom lip. jean hadn’t even realised the familiar bitter taste on his lip was his own blood until he saw kevin’s hand. he sighed at the sight, turning his face away from kevin again to force his face out of his hands. “i don’t need your pity.” jean weakly demanded.

“so, what is it you need?” kevin asked. jean huffed; both kevin and jean knew it didn’t matter what he needed. it was an unfair question to ask, since it’d be impossible to consider his needs in the first place. jean wouldn’t even know what he needed; he had never given it much thought anyways.

jean placed his head on kevin’s shoulder. for a second he was thankful that the amount of pain he was in made it impossible for him to cry without increasing the pain in his lungs, so he didn't move and he didn't let any tears slip.

“how long?” jean asked after a long minute. kevin didn’t have to ask what he meant. it wasn’t the first time they were sitting like this, calculating how much time riko would allow them before losing his patience and temper again. “fifteen minutes, maybe, then he’ll start getting restless and annoyed about my soft behaviour towards you.”

“give me ten,” jean offered. that should give kevin enough time to get back to riko before riko would start itching for pain again.

“i’ll give you twenty,” kevin told him. "you need it."

jean knew he should ignore the peace offering so he could make check how bad his injuries actually were. instead he closed his eyes and let kevin softly nudge him awake when he was finally drifting away too far.

[you-know-i-get-itt]

time for kevjean angst <3

lyrics that remind me of kevin and jean

Jean knew better than to look for anger in his stare; the best Kevin could do was bottomless guilt.

songs: The Scientist by Coldplay // Male Fantasy by Billie Eilish // BLUE by Billie Eilish // TV by Billie Eilish // Waiting Room by Phoebe Bridgers // Fine Line by Harry Styles // BLUE by Billie Eilish // Yours by Conan Gray // Cedar by Gracie Abrams // Waiting Room by Phoebe Bridgers // SKINNY by Billie Eilish // Male Fantasy by Billie Eilish // Unknown by Hozier // Waiting Room by Phoebe Bridgers // SKINNY by Billie Eilish

[foxesandrabbits]

Not only Kevin's entire future with Exy, his one purpose, was crushed alongside his hand, but also, for a moment, his life was on the line too. And he was so scared, he spoke and plead in every language he knew, in hopes anyone would help him, and how soul crashing it must’ve been to know that no one would.

He asked Jean for help, not really understanding that he was damning them both by speaking french in front of Riko because that moment was it- he was going to die. But they both had their hands tied, not having full freedom to actually act the way they wanted. And how devastating is that? Asking for help, and not receiving it. Watching the person you love the most hurt, and not being able to help them. Both their lives at stake, both unable to do something about it.

At that moment, I think, was when Kevin fully recognized that no matter how Jean felt about him (even when Kevin made him break the rules, like teaching him french), there was always going to be a wall between them in the form of a raven. How he truly learned that Jean wouldn’t go with him that night even if he asked, why he used him, because he knew Jean couldn't allow himself to do it willingly, knowing he was betraying the Moriyamas, their cuts ran too deep for that to happen.

And oh, to see Jean for the first time since Renee rescued him must’ve been so excruciating, “bottomless guilt”, how easy was to be back in the nest tending each other's wounds, and how much he didn't want that to happen ever again.

Once Kevin learned how to trust himself, how to be a little less afraid, how to convince himself that there was more to life that what he had been taught, he truly saw Jean, this person that would have done anything for him, at one point.

Kevin couldn’t rescue Jean once, but he wasn’t going to let that happen again, so he made sure to give Jean the best chance he could find so he could have the same hope the foxes had given him. Even if it was without him.

[you-know-i-get-itt]

im never getting over how this song is kevjean from kevins pov do you see the vision

ohhhhh my god. oh my god. yeah yeah i do see your vision holy shit ray. the self-loathing bleeding into self-proclaimed “facts”. the bottomless guilt that jean talked about. oh my god.

which song is this??