#kevin’s ‘bottomless guilt’ for jean

[jeanmoreaue]

can’t stop thinking about the idea of a Kevin pov prequel like starting with his time in the nest, befriending Jean, breaking his hand, leaving the nest and meeting his father for the first time, the decision to join the Foxes, and the decision to finally start playing again after thinking his whole world was coming down around him, and then ending with the decision to recruit Neil. i could go on

[joejhang]

i think we should consider how devastating neil's kidnapping was for kevin. like obviously it affected all of the foxes because it was neil, who has a million secrets and is their friend and took all the hits but got back up again anyway. but do u think it clocked kevin the hardest because he knew who neil was. he knew that neil was running from a million things but he refused to run from the foxes. he stood his ground and said things he shouldn't say and is, for all intents and purposes, a miracle. do u think kevin managed to convince himself that neil was the exception? he talked shit about the moriyamas without fear or thought of consequences, he gave himself up to the ravens for andrew and the foxes and came back alive and refused to sign the papers despite all the torture and abuse. he wears riko's tattoo but refuses to be owned by him. he bitches at the press and doesn't back down, doesn't apologise, even when he probably should. kevin told him to run but he didn't, he stood his ground and maybe, somewhere along the way, he managed to convince kevin that he really was indomitable. that even two weeks at evermore, all his father's people on his trail, the pressure of being a star athlete, couldn't break him. and even though kevin knew this was coming, that neil couldn't be neil josten forever, he still allowed himself to consider the possibility, that maybe neil would make it out alive. that maybe neil wouldn't stop fighting and he'd claw his way out of this shitty situation alive, with the foxes finally coming out on top. because even though neil is messy and mouthy and bitchy, despite it all, he gave kevin hope for the first time in maybe his entire life. kevin has spent his ENTIRE life abused and treated like a possession at evermore, he thinks he'll never escape, even when he's at palmetto. but neil, neil is so determined not be owned, so determined that even if he dies, he's going to die free, die happy. kevin thinks it's crazy that neil josten, someone who isn't even real, is the one who's giving the foxes hope. who's giving him hope. who's bringing the team together, who's actually getting through to andrew, who's fierce in the face of even the worst monsters that kevin knows, who would rather die than be false to himself. and kevin can't help but hope that neil will get them out alive. that maybe, despite everything, neil is their key to winning championships, and he can finally escape riko, escape tetsuji, escape the ravens. it's not just neil's skill, it's that neil doesn't back down, and neil is bringing the team together, and it actually looks like they have a chance, for once. and then neil's just...gone. and kevin knew this was coming but he thought maybe neil would be the exception. maybe neil would actually escape. but neil's gone, his father's people finally caught up with him, and neil, who is still alive despite his sharp tongue and bloodied childhood, will finally be broken. and there goes kevin's dreams of winning, there goes kevin's dreams of escaping his past, taken with neil. do you think that's when kevin really lost hope? when neil was taken from them, all of the careful, wistful dreams and hopes that he'd built up the past months were gone, just like that. i think we should talk about this more.

[unwillingtoreachout]

thinking about Kevin Day on this awful day

[realgansey]

Kevin and Jean’s love for each other is just SO. Kevin’s postcards and magnets to Jean; his learning French for him; the promise he made Jean make to him; his sending him to his favorite team, the team he knew was the kindest.

His inability to express it is also so heartbreaking to me. Like Jean said himself that they just couldn’t talk but he also said that “the best Kevin could manage was bottomless guilt.” And Jean saying that he once would’ve done anything for Kevin and, even worse, that Kevin knew just that and that’s how he managed to escape Evermore.

A lot of Kevin’s actions can be (mis)construed as selfish. He used French at Jean’s expense to try and get Riko to stop hitting him, he left Evermore without Jean, he let Neil keep playing for the Foxes despite knowing that it could cost him his life because he wanted to win, he didn’t tell Wymack he was his father until he absolutely had to.

Jean at his core is a giving person, conditioned to not know when to stop. He takes whatever happens to him and is convinced he deserves it, no matter what. He does what people tell him to do. He protects Riko even when he’s dead. He still loves the Ravens. He saved Zane’s life, Zane who betrayed him so thoroughly and deeply, without a moment’s hesitation or even thought. At age 14 and probably for years before, he protected and parented Elodie. He would do anything for Neil. He would STILL do anything for Kevin.

[khevinday]

i've seen a lot of people talking about how different kevin is from jean's pov and i just have to say that kevin isn't different in tsc, neil just isn't jean.

neil's pov of kevin is more than the simple flip between Kevin Day the Celebrity and Kevin Day the Insufferable Bitch (which is a consistent trait across all three pov's we see kevin trough) or Kevin Day the Coward. i would even go as far as to say that kevin is infinitely more complex through neil's eyes because neil can't decide how he feels about kevin.

for jean it's almost simpler (almost). he loved kevin; 'once upon a time he would have done anything for (kevin)', but then kevin left and jean felt betrayed and abandoned and he wanted to hate kevin but at the end of the day he doesn't. he knows kevin in ways neil doesn't and may never, but to say that we only see kevin's sincere intentions and gentleness through jean's eyes is just incorrect.

kevin and jean can't even speak to each other because before they can ever get anywhere they will have to talk about riko and what riko did to them and in turn the things that made them do to each other. kevin and jean go no contact because that is better than talking about riko, but when neil came back from evermore kevin was willing to revisit those nightmares he'd been running from if neil needed to talk about it and the fact 'that he tried at all was so unexpected neil felt it like a balm to every bruised inch of his skin.'

kevin feels 'bottomless guilt' for leaving jean to riko, he is likely tormented by everything he was forced to standby and watch or even participate in. kevin is broken when neil begins to get to know him in the foxhole court but that gentleness that jean sees, the complexity of kevin's vulnerability and his defensive, detached disposition is just as present in neil's observations. neil is more apprehensive about it than jean, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.

[kevinsdsy]

“sometimes riko let kevin stay with him afterward.”

kevin’s gaze moved over jean in a slow sweep, taking stock of his injuries. jean knew better than to look for anger in his stare; the best kevin could manage was bottomless guilt. kevin had seen worse than this before. sometimes riko let kevin stay with him afterward.

jean could barely breathe. every short breath he took required so much effort that he didn't know how he normally did it with such ease. he felt like he was dying, but that was such a familiar feeling that he worried he must wake up tomorrow anyway. kevin’s green eyes were as distracting as they were alarming. if kevin was allowed to stay, jean must be looking like hell right now. he counted his breaths just to make sure he was actually breathing, and when he finally convinced himself he wasn’t going to take his last breath, he tried to get up.

he barely managed it, but with kevin’s help he was able to get himself up into a sitting position. kevin’s expression was as familiar as it was sickening. he had seen the bottomless guilt many times before.

i am jean moreau. i belong to the moriyamas. i will endure. jean knew his place. jean knew he would endure as much as riko needed him to. so why was kevin looking at him like that? how did kevin dare look at him with so much sympathy and guilt on his face that jean wondered if he deserved to be in this position. i am jean moreau. i belong to the moriyamas. i will endure. jean immediately cursed himself out for even letting the thought slip.

“jean…” jean huffed—it was the only response he could manage right now. “can you get up?” kevin silently asked in french. non. jean knew the answer already, but he still tried to get up. it was a desperate attempt, but kevin didn’t comment on it. “let’s get you to the wall. it’s just gonna be a few steps.” kevin assured him. the few steps felt like a mile, but with kevin’s help jean managed to place his back to the wall which gave him some kind of balance. kevin sat next to jean and jean turned his face to kevin. kevin took this as his chance to softly take jean’s face in his hands and place his fingers on jean’s bottom lip. jean hadn’t even realised the familiar bitter taste on his lip was his own blood until he saw kevin’s hand. he sighed at the sight, turning his face away from kevin again to force his face out of his hands. “i don’t need your pity.” jean weakly demanded.

“so, what is it you need?” kevin asked. jean huffed; both kevin and jean knew it didn’t matter what he needed. it was an unfair question to ask, since it’d be impossible to consider his needs in the first place. jean wouldn’t even know what he needed; he had never given it much thought anyways.

jean placed his head on kevin’s shoulder. for a second he was thankful that the amount of pain he was in made it impossible for him to cry without increasing the pain in his lungs, so he didn't move and he didn't let any tears slip.

“how long?” jean asked after a long minute. kevin didn’t have to ask what he meant. it wasn’t the first time they were sitting like this, calculating how much time riko would allow them before losing his patience and temper again. “fifteen minutes, maybe, then he’ll start getting restless and annoyed about my soft behaviour towards you.”

“give me ten,” jean offered. that should give kevin enough time to get back to riko before riko would start itching for pain again.

“i’ll give you twenty,” kevin told him. "you need it."

jean knew he should ignore the peace offering so he could make check how bad his injuries actually were. instead he closed his eyes and let kevin softly nudge him awake when he was finally drifting away too far.

[foxesandrabbits]

Not only Kevin's entire future with Exy, his one purpose, was crushed alongside his hand, but also, for a moment, his life was on the line too. And he was so scared, he spoke and plead in every language he knew, in hopes anyone would help him, and how soul crashing it must’ve been to know that no one would.

He asked Jean for help, not really understanding that he was damning them both by speaking french in front of Riko because that moment was it- he was going to die. But they both had their hands tied, not having full freedom to actually act the way they wanted. And how devastating is that? Asking for help, and not receiving it. Watching the person you love the most hurt, and not being able to help them. Both their lives at stake, both unable to do something about it.

At that moment, I think, was when Kevin fully recognized that no matter how Jean felt about him (even when Kevin made him break the rules, like teaching him french), there was always going to be a wall between them in the form of a raven. How he truly learned that Jean wouldn’t go with him that night even if he asked, why he used him, because he knew Jean couldn't allow himself to do it willingly, knowing he was betraying the Moriyamas, their cuts ran too deep for that to happen.

And oh, to see Jean for the first time since Renee rescued him must’ve been so excruciating, “bottomless guilt”, how easy was to be back in the nest tending each other's wounds, and how much he didn't want that to happen ever again.

Once Kevin learned how to trust himself, how to be a little less afraid, how to convince himself that there was more to life that what he had been taught, he truly saw Jean, this person that would have done anything for him, at one point.

Kevin couldn’t rescue Jean once, but he wasn’t going to let that happen again, so he made sure to give Jean the best chance he could find so he could have the same hope the foxes had given him. Even if it was without him.

[overwroughtafterthought]

Kevin Day is my absolute favorite character of all time ever but I get how someone wouldn't like him because he's also a cold, conceited, massive bitch.

And he cares so deeply for so much

He offered to talk to Neil about his time at Evermore knowing how triggering a conversation like that would be because he also knew that at that moment, he was the only person that would understand what Neil had gone through and being there for Neil was far more important than his own comfort

He grew up in an environment where expressing passion for anything other than exy was a huge vulnerability, because if Riko knew what mattered to you, he knew exactly what pressure point to press on until you cracked, and despite that Kevin loved history so much that he convinced Riko to major in it with him.

Everytime Kevin traveled somewhere he bought two postcards. One he would hang on his bedroom wall with a caption, and the other he would send to Jean with a note. He also collected magnets as souvenirs to give to Jean.

He agreed to keep all of Neil's secrets after finding out his identity. He told Neil to seize his only opportunity to live by running even though he knew it would wreck the foxes' season. After finding out that Neil intended to die at the end of the year, he still agreed to train him every night because even though the pay off from that investment of his time would never reach it's full potential, it was worth it for how much the season meant to both of them

He made Jean promise to stay alive for him, because he couldn't bear to lose him. He made Andrew promise to stick around long enough for Kevin to find something for him to live for because he couldn't bear to lose him either (at first because Andrew meant protection, but later because Andrew meant family).

He didn't tell Wymack that he was his father despite how much he must have been craving a closer relationship with him because he was so scared of what would happen to Wymack if Riko or Tetsuji thought they were losing their investment.

He taught himself to be ambidextrous after his dominant hand was brutally broken because exy is everything to him. This sport that masked and caused every cruel injustice to happen to him and the people he loves still meant absolutely everything to him. He trained every night to overcome the lasting effects of the abuse he faced and he proved to the world that he's the number one best exy player out there.

He's a raging alcoholic, he's fighting off several panic attacks at any given moment, he's vehemently proud of his team, he absolutely adores Jeremy Knox, he has respect for no one but the USC Trojans, and that's the team he chose to send Jean to, because he knew and trusted that Jean would be safe with them. He covered his tattoo with a queen chess piece because he's the best player on the board, he pushes everyone to their full potential, he's the hardest on himself, he's cold and distant until he's with Jean and then he's soft and gentle, he's rarely kind and he's a bottomless pit of guilt, and he's so brave despite the fact that everyone calls him a coward.

He grieved Riko's death, his abuser, his brother, his owner, his partner, this violent force of nature that swept through and destroyed everything in his path, because they also loved eachother in a twisted form of obsession and codependency.

Kevin Day is an arrogant, rude, petty bitch, but he's also so determined, so dedicated, so committed to everything he loves. He never does anything halfway, and he's an endless well of passion. He cares so deeply for so much.

Someone explain the Kevin love to me /gen

I read the books but I really didn’t get attached to his character/pick up on much? But he’s a fan favorite. What am I missing?

[awildtei]

"Jean knew better than to look for anger in his stare; the best Kevin could manage was bottomless guilt." ooooooh this says so much about their relationship!! Going: feral

The synopsis alone made me scream, we're off to a good start