#keep it in your trousers if you want to score higher I guess

[rosalindthe2nd]

Number five in the Round Table League Table. Sorry you’re not higher, Lancelot, because you are the knightliest knight by any measure but maybe you shouldn’t betray your best friend’s trust next time. Just a suggestion.

Reasons

- One of the first to hail Arthur as King (“Sir and my liege … the fire of God Descends upon thee in the battle-field: I know thee for my King” and even before this they had each warded the other in the fight.

- Very good at being a knight in every possible way (ahem, except trust worthiness and keeping it in his trousers, obviously)

- Everyone likes him, he’s obviously charming. Even Balin, who is disenchanted with Lancelot by this point, says that “Lancelot draws From homage to the best and purest, might, Name, manhood and a grace.”

- Obviously it’s so terrible to betray lovely Arthur

- But good that it’s aged him at least (The great and guilty love he bare the Queen, In battle with the love he bare his Lord, Had marr’d his face, and marked it ere his time.”) You shouldn’t get to be treacherous and stay pretty.

- Prepared to go without the glory of wining the diamond because he thought Guinevere wanted him to stay with her in her illness. Wrong but romantic.

- Compliments Guinevere by saying hers is “the roundest arm on earth”! Nice.

[tenthgrove]

Heyoo. Who in la squadra do you think has the comfiest lap to nap on? Like some headcanons of their so/walking up to them and just sliding into thier lap and falling asleep? Who would be the best and who would b the worst? Tysm 🙏

Who has the Comfiest Lap?

La Squadra x Reader (GN), Romantic, SFW

Formaggio- 6/10

Actively encourages it. He loves to have you lie in his lap while he flicks through his phone on the bed or on the sofa. His lap is comfortable enough and very warm (the benefits of good circulation, I guess) but if he’s wearing studded clothing it can be a bit less comfy. He has a bunch of blankets though, if you’re worried about that. The main problem with sleeping on Formaggio’s lap is that he just can’t help himself from talking non-stop, both playful comments about how damn cute you look and remarks about whatever he’s looking at on his screen. If you genuinely need to sleep, Formaggio’s lap might not be the best bet.

Illuso- 5/10

For the first time in his life, wearing a tailored duvet as a pair of trousers has actually had benefits for Illuso. Based on his usual dress-style alone, Illuso has by far the most comfortable lap to sleep on. Being the size and build he is he also has a very broad lap that gives you ample space to lie on, so on physical qualities alone Illuso scores very well. However, he loses out due to his impatience, generally not liking it when you keep him in place like this unless he’s particularly jovial. He has no issue with lying next to you if you want affection, but trapping his legs like this will bore him quickly. He’ll therefore rush you to get off of him, which ruins the moment a lot.

Prosciutto- 7/10

Between his chilled demeanour and love of spoiling you, Prosciutto is a good candidate to pick. His suits are always made of something soft, and if you’re doing this in his bed you’ve got the added bonus of his expensive sheets. His thighs are a bit on the thinner side, but he makes up for it by staying perfectly still for you. He likes to take time to wind down in the evenings, so that’s the best time to ask if you can lie on his lap for a while. As long as he isn’t busy he’ll happily agree. He can talk or he can stay quiet, he doesn’t mind either way.

Pesci- 6/10

He’s very enthusiastic to let you nap on him as he loves any and all intimate time spent with you. His thighs are fairly comfortable and it’s even better if he lays his fluffy coat over them first. He won’t talk much unless you want him to, instead just sitting there and admiring how lucky he is to have such a cute person trust him like this. The thing holding him back from a higher score is that he’s kind of fidgety. He just can’t help it. Sometimes he tries to switch which of his legs is on top, which usually wakes you up. It’s overall a good experience, but slightly uncomfortable due to the shuffling.

Melone- 8/10

If there’s one thing Melone loves it’s pampering you. He’s absolutely delighted when you settle down on his lap. The points he loses for those bony legs are made up for by his impeccable treatment. While you’re there he’ll do your hair, wipe off your makeup, and generally make you feel like an absolute monarch while he tends to you. When he’s done, he’ll lie back, holding you in place with his hands as to not disturb you. Sometimes he’ll fall asleep like that and sometimes he won’t, but either way you’ll be comfortable. Melone would score higher, if he weren’t a bit too chatty while he’s pampering you, making it hard to fall asleep until he does too.

Ghiaccio- 4/10

It can work. You just have to get him in the right mood and the right place. Otherwise however, Ghiaccio will be tense and fidgety from the combined pressure of whatever’s pissed him off today and now having to keep you comfy. He often can’t help himself from going on a tirade while he has you there and although it’s certainly therapeutic to him, it isn’t exactly something you can sleep through. Even if he manages to control himself, his feelings sometimes show themselves through White Album, making the room too cold to sleep him. If you manage to catch him when he’s genuinely calm, the experience goes up to as much as a 7 out of 10. He can be surprisingly affectionate on his best of days.

Risotto- 9/10

So… have you seen those thighs? Man’s built like a god and it’s all to serve you. It’s true that he’s muscular, but when he sits down the fat redistributes to make him surprisingly soft to lie on. He offers shy, gentle pets while you rest and will keep his legs perfectly still for you.He’ll also let you lie there for hours without a qualm, so fuck it, sleep like that every night if you want to. However, Risotto prefers to have you sitting upright in his lap, leaning against his chest. It lets him feel more of your warmth, and also means you can do it while he works at his desk.

Sorbet and Gelato- 11/10

They’ve had years to practice with each other, so of course they know how to make the experience of napping on their laps heaven. Beginning with Sorbet, touch is his love language so he’s always happy to indulge you in letting you sleep on him. He’ll speak to you softly or stay entirely quiet, depending on what you want, and gently caress you if you’re up for it. Gelato may seem less up for the task due to his general fidgetiness but the second your head touches his lap he cuts it out entirely. He wouldn’t disturb you unless the world was ending. For a unique experience you could try lying with you head on one of them and your waist or thighs on the other. Their gentle conversation about how much they love you will have you lulled to sleep in no time.

[ihopuhopwehop]

Leap of Faith

AO3

Warning: Talks about blood purity.

It was the most hyped up and controversial game of the year. Slytherin versus Gryffindor. In a fight for the Quidditch Cup.

James was quite exhilarated about it all though, despite the hostility surrounding the game.

James lived for large crowds, chanting, rivalry, and winning.

He loved winning.

The feel of being revered when he made a game winning catch. Of being able to walk the halls with people congratulating him or even better, envying him.

Well, the Slytherins congratulated him. And sometimes Hufflepuffs, but Hufflepuffs congratulated both teams for the sake of sportsmanship.

The Gryffindors would envy him. For a while at least, until there was some fight between the sides, showcasing how disgusting some of his housemates truly were, and then Gryffindors didn’t envy the Slytherins anymore.

But despite all of the quidditch-induced rivalry and buzz, James was excited for the game for an entirely different reason.

 Going against Lily Evans.

 Lily Evans. Christmas on a stick. Sass level unmatched. And also, Gryffindor’s seeker.

James was the Slytherin seeker.

Which meant he’d be allowed to observe Lily Evans all game long without being scolded by his housemates.

Of course, he was always being scolded and harassed by his housemates because he thought muggleborns and half-breeds alike were worthy of life, liberty, and love. Though his house did not seem to agree.

Besides Regulus Black to some extent. Though Regulus usually sided with his family in public, James knew he did not agree with them entirely. This led to James trying to protect Regulus and lead him down a more morally powerful side, but that only worked for so long.

Regulus had gotten the dark mark, and now there was no amount of protecting James could do.

But through all of his efforts to help the younger Black heir, he befriended the older Black ex-heir. Sirius Black was good fun to be around, though he sometimes lacked ambition surrounding his studies and future achievements.

James didn’t blame him, but thought it was dumb not to at least try to get top marks and excel anywhere he could. Especially if Sirius wanted to outrun the infamy of his last name.

Oh well, at least he was noble…most of the time.

But back to Lily Evans.

James had only gotten to know Lily through Severus Snape, and as such, was skeptical of her character at first.

But when Lily Evans allowed her sass to go against her childhood friend and his beliefs, James knew she could be trusted.

He also knew she could be trusted because after the incident that caused her to end her and Snape’s friendship, she had requested a new potions partner. Slughorn had only been too happy to switch Snape with James, much to Snape’s anger and James’ joy.

Not to mention Lily’s eyes matched his house colors, which he thought made her even more likeable.

The first day they had worked together, Lily had seemed put out to be partnered with him. But after James made sure to stay on top of the potion, and even prevented a catastrophe when Lily confused two different dragon scales, she seemed to at least tolerate him.

 And then the quidditch pitch happened.

James had been on his way to practice a few extra moves before his official practice but had been prevented when he found the snitch already being used by his favorite Gryffindor. Well, besides Sirius.

Lily had been trying to practice a diving roll to catch the snitch, which was typically done if the snitch was close to the ground so that one could jump off their broom and land safely on the grass, but Evans didn’t seem to be able to truly jump off her broom.

Her bravery had been lacking that day, and his had been soaring.

He had ruffled his hair as he had begun to speak, “Quite ambitious of you to be practicing outside of your time slot, don’t you think?”

She hadn’t even batted an eye as she responded, “And quite brave to be teasing a girl who could unleash the bludgers while you’re unprepared.”

 “Touché. Now are you going to ever actually jump off your broom or continue to miss the snitch because you’re scared.”

She had now dismounted her broom and blew some of her auburn fringe out of her eyes. “If it’s so easy, then you do it Mr. Brave Slytherin.”

James smirked as he mounted his broom, “Alright. Release the snitch.”

Lily had quirked an eyebrow as she pushed the snitch forward. The snitch flittered close to James nose, enough to reflect in his glasses, and then zoomed forward and towards the ground. James leaned as far forward as he could, prompting his broom to speed up, and then at the last second, pushed off the broom with his feet and clasped the snitch safely in his palms. He completed the move with a barrel roll and a quiet “accio” to retrieve his broom, which he smugly caught when he stood up to wink at the dumbfounded girl.

“That—That was—How--”

James smirked at her floundering and ruffled his hair, “Takes resourcefulness and ambition and, something I thought Gryffindors were supposed to have in abundance, bravery.”

He inwardly grinned when her eyes narrowed, “Alright. Fine. Teach me.”

He beamed at those words.

“A Gryffindor asking a Slytherin for help. What would Godric think?”

She stuck her tongue out at him, “A Slytherin being kind, what would Salazar think?”

He chuckled and motioned towards her broom. He had her practice balancing on her feet a few times and then pushing forward with her feet as well.

That had been an awkward exercise for him as he had to stand behind her to make sure she was doing it properly. It had given him a perfect view of her in her quidditch trousers. He had to admit his chivalry was really lacking during that exercise, but he figured he retained a normal amount of it. Not everyone had Gryffindor levels of chivalry.

Finally, it was time for her to actually jump. He should not have been surprised when she achieved it on the first try, but never-the-less, he was.

“Brilliant! Good job, Evans! You’re a natural!” He may have gotten over excited and pulled her into a hug, but well, he felt pride when he was able to help a fellow student.

He remembered the way his chin had sat on her head and her head laid on his chest. It was, in his humble opinion, a good hug.

Lily had blushed at his compliment, or maybe his hug, he wasn’t sure, and told him, “Well yeah. I’ve been practicing on my own for awhile. Just had to gain a little courage and confidence.”

“Just had to use your courage and confidence. You’ve always had plenty, you just let your fears get in the way.”

She had smiled lightly at him, “You know, you’re not that bad. For a Slytherin.”

He snorted, “You’re not that bad for a Gryffindor.”

She had side-eyed him, “I assume you aren’t a blood purist? You didn’t even hesitate to hug me.”

James furrowed his brows at her, “What made you think I might be?”

She shrugged, “Everyone in your house seems to be. Wouldn’t be surprised if you were, especially since you’re a pureblood too.”

James clenched his jaw. People always assumed that about him. On one hand, he couldn’t blame her, on the other, he thought every person deserved the chance to show who they really were, regardless of house or family.

“Right. I guess you just see what you want. Wouldn’t be surprised if you thought Sirius was a purist too.”

Lily could tell she touched a nerve. She had shaken her head, “No. It’s just. We have to be cautious. Could cost me my life if I assumed you weren’t a death eater.”

James raised his eyebrows. He hadn’t thought of it from that perspective. “That makes sense. Sorry for snapping at you.”

She had seemed surprised at his apology. “It’s alright. And um, I think your team is here. I should probably go, but thanks for the help. I’ll be sure to use it when we beat you.” Then she had winked and made her way back to the castle.

James had ignored everything his teammates had said that day in favor of replaying her wink.

 After that day, Lily seemed to consider him a friend.

Lily had made it a point to keep a conversation going during potions. Had studied with him in the library. And she had even invited him to sit with her, Sirius, Remus, and Peter at the Gryffindor table. 

He thought they were getting along smashingly and hoped it would not crush their budding relationship when Slytherin won. 

 --

The game had started in a whirlwind, with the noises from the audience growing to deafening sounds and the wind beating against his face. He tried to drown it all out by focusing on searching for the snitch but when he noticed Lily flying towards him, he couldn’t help but acknowledge her.

He had begun to wave, but Lily continued straight towards him, until she was close enough to lightly shoulder check him.

He rocked a little on his broom but was able to gain enough balance to shoulder check her back.

“Better watch where you’re going Evans. Hate for you to miss when I catch the snitch.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t miss what doesn’t happen.” Then she had turned a 180 and flew towards the sky to get better optics.

They had each tailed the other a few times and yelled at fellow teammates, cheering and booing respectively when someone scored.

Slytherin was up by 120 points. Surprisingly, if James was honest. But apparently, Gryffindor’s chasers were suffering today, much to Lily’s dismay.

Malfoy had yelled at James to stop ogling Lily, though Lucius had used a word James made a point to never say.

Sirius had shot several bludgers Malfoy’s way after that, and Regulus shot a few back towards his brother, though slightly slower compared to when he aimed at other Gryffindors.

Then, James saw it. A golden glint thanks to the sun, near the Slytherin goals.

Unfortunately, Lily had seen it too, and they both shot off towards it.

Eventually, they were both right behind it, with James longer arms being closer than Lily’s. They followed it higher for a few minutes, the air getting harsher, and each of them inching closer,

 until Lily yelled a loud, “CATCH ME!”

James looked at her like she was insane, only for her to wink and jump completely off her broom, into the freezing sky.

“EVANS!!”

James abandoned his quest for the snitch and instead focused on grabbing some part of Lily Evans that had dived towards the snitch.

Gravity had barely begun to pull the absolutely mad girl down, when James finally grabbed her fanned out shirt.

He felt his arm strain and he grunted as he worked to pull her up onto his broom, “You’ll be the death of both of us Evans, I swear.” He heaved and used his other hand to support the arm that was holding Lily. 

Finally, after tremendous effort, Lily was sat behind him on his firebolt, grinning victoriously and holding the snitch up proudly.

The crowd was cheering raucously, with many people standing and whistling. The Gryffindor team was running towards the Quidditch Cup McGonagall was holding up, with Sirius hugging the usually professional woman. James noticed his teammates looking equally parts angry and shocked.

He ignored them and instead turned to Lily while he began their descent.

“You’re either certifiably insane or incredibly brave Evans, though at this point the lines are blurred.”

Lily grinned at him, “The jump wasn’t that big of a deal. But trusting a Slytherin was.”

And then she kissed him. Which was also very dangerous in the air, but James figured some things were worth the risk.

[charlemange1]

Ranking adaptations of Victor Frankenstein from least to most evil

The character Victor Frankenstein has been adapted many times over the years. Sometimes he’s a heroic YA protagonist while others have him using his clone army to wipe out humanity and take over the world. But which Victor is truly the worse?

After reading several adaptations, I’ve decided to rank Victor’s morality in each one and find out! The gothic lit community doesn’t talk about these adaptations much, so hopefully this list can introduce the fandom to some of the lesser-known interpretations out there!

This is part one, which ranks printed retellings only. If people enjoy it, I’ll do a part two and merge the films into the mix!

Disclaimers (please read):

SPOILERS! Victor’s actions in these adaptations will be thoroughly analyzed with no regard for the spoiler tag.

Some of the more evil Victor’s get into dark territory, and while I will not go into extensive detail (lest I go insane) if mentions of abuse, sexual themes, possessive behavior and murder bother you, don’t make my mistake and turn back! (I will leave an additional reminder when said parts come up)

This list centers on Victor’s actions and NOT the quality of the books themselves—so if you see your favorite title getting a low score it’s not because it’s a bad book—it’s because Victor is a jerk.

This list is by no means complete, just the ones I’ve read personally.

These are my silly personal opinions and if you disagree with my ranking that’s perfectly fine!

Ranking: On a 1-10 scale, with 10 being fantastic and 0 being “run if you see this man in a dark alley.”

10/10 Perfect Sunbeam. Overall great, wholesome guy!

*crickets chirp in a serene backdrop of a Romantic field*

Good dude

Junji Ito’s Frankenstein: 8.5/10

Props to the master of manga monsters for making the twist be that Victor is not secretly evil/insane.

Not only does Victor pity the creature and agree to create a mate for him—but he keeps his word! This is especially touching when you consider how the creature treks alllllll the way to Switzerland to dig up Justine’s head as a face for the bride. (Henry says he probably didn’t know it was Justines, but come on, you just happened to pick up the head of the girl you framed and carried it for miles across land and sea to deliver it to Victor instead of stopping somewhere closer? I don't buy it.)

Victor even goes the extra mile, kindly stating:

Yet the bride rejects the creature (not Victor’s fault) and in revenge, the creature kills Henry, Elizabeth, and Alphonse. In retaliation, Victor follows him onto the ice and relates his tale to Walton before dying.

Victor's actions are nothing heroic, but what more could he have done? He didn’t break his promise and kill the bride like in the original novel and he clearly cared about reanimating “Justine” as shown in the above image.

And did I mention this manga was done by Junji Ito? Would YOU stay in the same room if you created a Junji Ito monster? Didn't think so! After the initial mistake of abandoning his monster, this Victor did the best he could to make amends and protect his family--making him an overall good person.

Decent guy

This Dark endeavor by Kenneth Oppel: 7/10

Serving as a prequel to the original novel, This Dark Endeavor tells the untold story of what leads young Victor Frankenstein to create his monster.

While Victor very much struggles with his angsty dark desires (bad), he tirelessly searches for the alchemic "Elixir of Life" to save his twin brother (good). A brother who is more talented than Victor, has the heart of his love interest, and Victor believes everyone prefers over himself.

Good on you, Victor, for letting the love for your brother override understandable sibling jealousy. If that wasn’t enough to make him decent, letting a few fingers be cut off to save his twin definitely does.

What brings Victor down to a 7 is his relationship with Elizabeth. It’s born out of jealousy from her loving his twin rather than genuine affection. Even if this retelling makes Elizabeth a feisty, pants-wearing independent female (to lessen the possessive undertones Victor exhibits, I presume? Read it and judge for yourself), the relationship does nothing positive for his character. Tricking someone into kissing you is a jerk move, bro.

Ok I guess….

Such Wicked Intent by Kenneth Oppel 6/10

The sequel to This Dark Endeavor loses Victor’s careful balance of good and bad traits its predecessor boasted. Victor wasn’t perfect in TDE, but the majority of his negative actions stemmed from trying to save his ill brother and were mostly forgivable. In Such Wicked Intent, his understandable sibling jealously now comes off as petty since Victor’s twin is already dead.

Victor trying to bring his brother back to life (good) is undermined by his growing reliance on supernatural butterflies that increase his abilities despite other characters pointing out the obvious danger. Victor is also not the greatest parent to Twin 2.0 and the previous issues with him and Elizabeth from book 1 don’t improve. He’s the same Victor from TDE, but the plot focusing on his selfish desires makes him more flawed as a result.

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley (the original novel): 6/10

Depending on how you interpret the events of the original novel, Victor is either a college Dad in over his head and trying his best after an initial mistake, or a misogynistic, irresponsible jerk only capable of thinking of himself. There are enough professional articles to support both interpretations, and I’m not the person to pick one over the other. 

However, if the narrative he tells Walton is to be taken as truth (and the creature not correcting Victor's account tells me it is), Victor spent most of the novel trying to fix his mistake (intentions may vary)—and isn’t too bad as a result.  

Pride and Prometheus by John Kessel: 5/10

Despite being a crossover with Pride and Prejudice, Kessel tries to be as faithful to the original Frankenstein as possible. However, the few changes he makes hurts Victor from a moral standpoint.

Victor’s not the greatest guy when handling the romantic gestures of both Mary Bennet and Henry. Also, murdering his creature's mate with poison right before they leave to start their happily ever after is awful, but understandable from his point of view.

Then there's P&P's ending, where Walton describes meeting Victor on the ice. It’s revealed that Victor left killing the creature's mate and the Bennet’s out of his narrative. While this is probably Kessel justifying why Jane Austen’s characters and his changes weren’t mentioned in the original text (and who can blame him?) it does make Victor a liar. In the original, the creature never called Victor out for omitting anything—so altering the story on his deathbed places P&P’s Victor a rung lower than his original counterpart.

Ehh….

Frankenstein According to Spike Milligan: 4/10

As a nearly-word-for-word retelling with minor, humorous changes by the comedian Spike Milligan, Victor is more pathetic than anything. He’s a harmless, pathetic, hilarious jerk.

Some quotes:

"I bounded along with feelings of unbridled joy and hilarity. From a great distance my family could see me bounding with unbridled joy and hilarity." (53)

*

"'I tell you,’ I said, ‘that murderer had his trousers down, was eating fish paste sandwiches and traveling 100 miles per hour.’" (59)

*

"‘I can offer you no consolation,’ said he.

‘Then piss off.’ said I." (54)

Here’s his jail visit with Justine in animatic form (and me shamelessly plugging my other creative endeavors)

Monster by Neal Bell 3.5/10

Warning: contains mentions of animal abuse

On one hand, Victor wants to conquer death to save his family and is clearly disturbed over Justine's and his mother’s death. However, the man expresses little concern at the possibility of William getting struck by lightning with his kite in front of his mother who had already lost 9 children.

He can also talk to dogs and cats (for…some reason?) who are portrayed as intelligent beings with feelings—yet that doesn’t stop him from eating said dogs in the Arctic and killing said cat after threatening her with a knife. He also flings around Bible verses while being painfully egotistical about “being God”.

Using Henry’s romantic affections toward him to his advantage, briefly forcing himself on Elizabeth, and tenderly caring for his monster only to abandon him after the creature expresses a want to die just makes him an awful person all around. The fact he doesn’t do these things with clear malicious intent saves him from being any lower.  

Quotes:

ELIZABETH: A bone. A brittle bit of skin. A tooth—

VICTOR: Would you not be womanish now?

Be useful. Here—hold the Leyden jar,

While I attach the string…

*

VICTOR: A satisfactory morning, then, Mister Puss—tormenting the dogs?

CAT: God gave me a duty. I fulfill it.

VICTOR: Papa says there is no God.

(He takes out a knife)

Pretty bad dude

WARNING: Please note that some of these Victors get into unsavory territory. If the mention of sexual themes/abuse/murder bothers you turn back:

The Casebook of Victor Frankenstein by Peter Ackroyd: 3/10

This one was tricky. The narrative chugs along with Victor being an intelligent, thoughtful guy with only a few obsessive tendencies. He’s chilling with the Shelleys, talking to the poor in the streets and financially supporting Fred’s family along with giving out generous tips. He’s a cool guy. He’s a great dude! He’s….revealed in the final 2 pages to be recounting everything from a mental asylum, the monster was in his head, and he’s actually the one that committed the murders.

Alrighty then.   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Having his insanity revealed in the final pages, it’s hard to judge whether there was genuine malicious intent or if Victor truly thought he created the creature and believed he was doing good in trying to “stop” it. No matter his intentions though, the body count remains and a child strangler has no place being anything higher than a 3.

The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Kiersten White: 1/10

We all knew this one would make the list. Elizabeth’s first flashback sets up Victor as having serious issues—the question becomes how low will he go? Turns out pretty low. 

He’s the one who killed William and framed Justine along with murdering his father, brother Robert and various people at Ingolstadt. 

What really makes him despicable is that Elizabeth is the novel's main POV character who only sticks with Victor so she’s not thrown out on the streets. He’s abusive, controlling, dominating, and so possessive that he’ll perfect reanimation so that not even death can take her away from him! Yikes. I can’t stress enough how being in Elizabeth’s POV makes these actions all the more menacing. 

Quote:

“There was never another path for you. Consider how much worse it has all been for me. How much I have had to suffer. And how much of that suffering has been caused directly by you!” His face twitched, and his fingers tightened on the pistol. Then he sighed. “It does not do to dwell on it. There is no point in fighting. This is your fate, Elizabeth Frankenstein. I will let no other claim you—not man, not death, not even God.” (279)

Nice guy.

Despite his terrible actions, Victor is trying to "save" Elizabeth from death. In his mind, he wants what’s best for her. It’s a crazy mind that mixed up domination and love, but the fact that his evil actions come from wanting to keep someone he wants to control cares about safe vs. other versions where his crimes stem from wanting to rival god and rule the world, this version isn’t THAT bad. At least his hearts in the right place—even if his mentality is utter garbage.

The Memoirs of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Theodore Roszak 0/10

*insert my screams of insurmountable anguish here*

Caroline: Hey son, you should do NSFW things.

Victor: Sure. I will now do NSFW things.

Victor: *proceeds to do NSFW things*

The reprint of this novel mentions on the cover it’s erotica, but the copy I bought (and to this day have not finished) had no such disclaimer. I’ll break my rule and speak on the quality of this book: there is none. For an alleged “pro-feminism” novel everyone is terrible—and Victor is no exception.

Literally Satan.

Dean Koontz’s Frankenstein Series: -∞/10

So you’ve read far enough to join me in Hell.

Where do even I start? This is a Victor who extended his life to the present day. Who worked with Hitler, Stalin, Castro and regretted the fall of the Third Reich. Who created an army of emotionally deprived “new race” creations to kill people and assume their identities so he could ascend the ranks of politics. Who, once he has enough of his new race integrated into society, desires to commit mass genocide on humanity and establish himself as supreme ruler of the world—only then can he conquer the cosmos as well because why the hell not?  

Oh, and he’s a wife-beater/murderer too! Which isn’t a problem, considering he can create a new wife whenever he sees fit (he was on Erika 5 by book 3). The sheer lack of any positive traits in this man is laughable. Koontz really, REALLY wants to get across that Victor is a bad guy.

And if you’re somehow not convinced by the above description, here are some quotes I pulled from the first 3 novels as a bonus to reeeeeally sell how despicable this clown is:

Regarding Elizabeth:

“Victor had not loved Elizabeth. Love and God were myths he rejected with equal contempt. But Elizabeth had belonged to him. Even after more than 200 years, he still bitterly resented the loss of her, as he would have resented losing an exquisite antique porcelain vase if [his creature] had smashed that instead of the bride,” (3.97). 

Regarding Mary Shelley:

“When Mary Shelley took a local legend based on truth and crafted fiction from it, she made Victor a tragic figure and killed him off. He understood her dramatic purpose for giving him a death scene, but he loathed her for portraying him as tragic and as a failure. Her judgment of his work was arrogant. What else of consequence did she ever write? And of the two, who was dead—and who was not?” (1.79-80)

(Author Note: For your information, Victor, The Last Man is considered by some to be the first dystopian novel)

His…ah…"friends”:

“Fire was featured in some of his less pleasant memories. The great windmill. The bombing of Dresden. The Israeli Mossad attack on the secret Venezuelan research complex that he had shared with Mengele in the years after World War Two. Nevertheless, he liked to read to the accompaniment of a cozy crackling fire,” (1.76).

*

“Victor admired Hitler. The Führer knew talent when he saw it.

In the 1930s and 40s, Victor had worked with Mengele and others in Hitler's privileged scientific class. He made considerable progress in his work before the regrettable allied victory…the problem with the Führer had been that his roots were in art and politics…The future did not belong either to artists or to politicians,” (2.24-25).

Dat ego tho:

“When I die, those cells will be capped descend a signal that will be relayed by satellite to everyone made of new race flesh, to every meat machine that walks. And you will fall down dead,’…Victor smiled, anticipating triumph in spite of their silence. ‘Did you think a God would die alone?’” (3.345).  

*

Civilization would not be remade or sustained by Christianity or by Islam. Neither by Scientologists nor by the bright-eyed adherence of the deliciously solipsistic paranoid new religion encouraged by The Da Vinci Code. Tomorrow belonged to scientism. The priests of scientism were not merely robed clerics performing rituals, they were gods, with the power of gods. Victor himself was their Messiah,” (2.25).

*

“With Victor's unstoppable drive for power, with his singular intellect, with his cold materialism and his ruthless practicality, and now with synchronicity on his side, he had become untouchable, immortal.

He was immortal,” (3.329).

*

“How they goggled at him, abashed by his wisdom and knowledge, mortified by their ignorance, over-awed by his godlike power,” (3.330). 

*

“’Murder,’ said the caller. ‘murder…excites me.’

Victor kept the growing concern out of his voice. ‘No, your mind is fine. I don't make mistakes.’” (1.156)

Oh yeah, he has a wife, doesn't he:

“This is why Victor requires …the cruel humiliation of his partner. He has long ago transcended the guilt that committing acts of cruelty might spawn in others...the exercise of raw power thrills him,” (1.244).

*

“I have given you a life…remember that. I have given you a life, and I will choose what you do with it,” (1.464).

Wives view of him:

“She owned literally hundreds of outfits. Having been created to his ideal measurements, Victor had purchased everything…She hoped that someday she would be allowed to shop for herself. When Victor allowed that, she would know she had at last met his standards and earned his trust. Briefly, she wondered what it would be like not to care what Victor—or anyone—thought of her. To be herself. Independent. Those were dangerous thoughts. She must repress them.” (1.107)    

*

And those are just the PG bits, he does much, much worse.

*

In conclusion:

So yes, Spike Milligan made Victor a pathetic jerk, Casebook made Victor a madman, Memoirs made him an erotic predator, Dark Descent had him as an abusive boyfriend ruthless in possessing “his Elizabeth”,  but nearly succeeding at worldwide genocide while abusing/murdering/manipulating people to achieve his goals makes Dean Koontz’s Victor Frankenstein the worse, more morally despicable Victor Frankenstein of them all. At least from what I’ve read.

Annnnd that’s it! If you want me to make a part 2 and add in the films/plays let me know! Hopefully at least one of these peeked your interest as something to check out during spooky season.

Shameless plug-in: here’s my own Frankenstein adaptation

*

Bonus!

Ranking the books on how much I liked them personally!

Great:

The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein: Nice to see Victor’s villainy stem from family relations and not ego and wanting to defy God for a change.

Junji Ito’s Frankenstein: Phenomenal artwork, fairly faithful adaptation, and the changes serve to put Victor in a better light—which I love! The master of manga monsters himself made the right choice in keeping the creature more monstrous in this version instead of focusing on his humanity.

This Dark Endeavor: Frankenstein characters go on a Harry Potter styled adventure. Need I say more?

Average:

Such Wicked Intent: Victor’s character takes a dip, and pit monsters/life-absorbing butterflies don’t quite fit in a Frankenstein prequel.

Frankenstein According to Spike Milligan: It’s a silly, stupid comedy. Got a few chuckles out of me.

Pride and Prometheus: The concept works way better than it should. However, it follows the original text to a fault and can be boring at points. 

Bad:

Warning: contains mentions of suicide 

Monster: Victor’s character was far too inconsistent to be likable. He can talk to animals why, exactly?

Casebook of Victor Frankenstein: So, Victor is revealed to be crazy in the final 3 pages? So, the monster was in his head? Alright. But other characters throughout the book SAW the monster and described him like Victor did. So, there’s no way to separate Victor’s POV from reality and that kills the reread value and makes this a waste of time. Don’t get me wrong, the creature being symbolic for Victor’s inner demons is a fascinating direction if done well—and I recommend the essay “Frankenstein: The Man and the Monster” by Arthur Belefant if you want a much shorter exploration of this concept. It’s not perfect, but beats Casebook by a longshot!

Also, taking the real-life suicide of Percy’s wife Harriet and turning it into Victor murdering her and framing it on someone else to mimic Frankenstein’s Justine/William scene is just wrong. You made a woman’s suicide a cheap plot point in your fanfic of the mistress’s novel. That is what you did, author.

Dean Koontz Frankenstein: It starts out good and has great suspense—too bad the actual plot is awful. Victor’s so painfully evil it comes off as comical, the characters are bad/bland, plot holes abound (they state Mary Shelley’s novel is canon, then mention the windmill which was only in the films—so who even IS this Victor? Book or film?). The conclusion in book 3 is one of the most underwhelming finals I’ve ever read, and the creature “cures” a kid of Autism in the final chapter. No really. How this is a book series/comic series/movie is beyond me.

So atrocious I couldn’t bring myself to finish:

Warning: contains mentions of sexual themes

The Memoirs of Elizabeth Frankenstein: It claims to be pro-feminist, but the women “good guys” blatantly state they are grooming children for sexual rituals and Victor and Elizabeth are coerced into doing NSFW things by Victor’s mother in the name of “women’s rights”. Here’s the kicker: these awful actions are framed as being positive. I—a woman—loath this novel. Maybe things got better by the end (and if there was some plot twist that changed the entire setup, I apologize for ranting about nothing) but I’m not reading to that point to find out! This will forever stay both my first and last experience with erotic literature. Thank goodness The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein exists to give us a decent feminist take on Frankenstein!

[beatricedickson]

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