#keep isolating myself bc i can't look the people i'm close to in the eye. suicidality at one of the worst points it's ever been.

[icedille]

can i be honest for a second. i absolutely fucking hate myself and pray every night that i die in my sleep but god keeps ignoring me

[funeralprocessor]

ꙮ

It's weird thinking about how much my weight has impacted my life. I think I've always been chubby, but I can only say *think* because not only do I not remember a lot of my early/middle life in much detail bc dissociation but one thing I *do* remember is being gaslit about my weight by my mom. I remember going back to my parents' house after I'd been out for a little while and being legitimately shocked by some old photos of me because I looked fucking normal.

My mother tormented me about my weight for as long as I could remember, needled me about it constantly out of faux concern and shame, would ply my love with food (that she'd bought to eat her own feelings before reconsidering and using me to dispose of the temptation, per her own words) and then call me in while she bawled watching TLC specials about 800lb people and insisting that was going to be me because I keep eating like this. I thought I was hideously obese, that I was a few pounds from being the sort of person people gawk at on the street (and of course that I was so fat my own mom was apparently apologetic and ashamed that she let me do this to myself. In this as in all things, she is blameless).

And like, I had no perspective, nobody to tell me otherwise. I've just been so... isolated, so alone my entire life. The only person who was even remotely close to me was her, the only real view of myself I had was hers: a willful, gluttonous failure who's never quite good enough, who would be so handsome if they weren't so disgusting and lazy, who's so smart and has so much potential if they'd just Try Harder (and thus any failure is because I'm not Trying Hard Enough). I loved her for the longest time, I wanted to be good in her eyes even when I fucking hated her. But she was never anything but disappointed in and indifferent to me.

So much of my shame grew from her poison, and that shame fucked my life up so goddamn much. I grew up choked with shame and self loathing, terrified of expressing myself or drawing attention to myself in any way because I was ashamed for existing. The dysphoria was really fucking bad too, even if I didn't realize that's what it was at the time. I was achingly jealous of the guys who could pull off that androgynous/fem emo/goth/alt style and knowing that fat disgusting ogres like me deserve (and will receive) nothing but mockery and disgust for even thinking of. Of course I could never look pretty, I barely look human.

And like I'm still not really over most of that. I have really bad bdd and body image issues, I can't help view myself as mostly disgusting looking or at least ugly, I feel like I'm not someone people want around or that I should apologize for my presence/existence.

I don't really have a point I'm trying to make or a real thought I'm trying to express. Just airing out ghosts

[nathank77]

7/10/24

2:15 p.m Edited/Added to Significantly

I slept, but heavy sedation was required. I took a little more than a 1MG cause tbh quitting time can't be 3 a.m or 2 a.m.

This new schedule is fucking great, yea I can't stay up late but I'm getting shit done. I can make 10 a.m appointments. I can be in the house with dinner in my belly after running fucking errands and making phone calls by 1 p.m. It's dysfunctional in one way, eating dinner at 1 p.m and going to bed at 9 p.m but I mean the dinner part is only related to when I take my pills and my caloric deficiency in order to keep a healthy weight.

The 9 p.m thing isn't that dysfunctional. I mean, tbh I want to wake up at 6 a.m... but that's not in the cards right now if I want to go to bed at a semi regular time aka 9 p.m. I close my eyes around 10:30 every night. 9 p.m is when I start my routine. So it's not really dysfunctional.

I had to stop taking the statin drug bc it's causing muscle spasms. So I stopped that today. I'm just going to take coq10 and see if it's good enough. I have a chlorestoral test coming up soon and I've been on coq10 since like March.

I'm pissed about last night. Quitting time really has to be around 1 a.m. I'm not going backwards. Circadian rhythm issues will never be a fucking problem for me again. I'm making milestones in terms of getting shit done waking up at 8 a.m. I feel more functional and less isolated despite being just as isolated bc I'm awake at the same time as the rest of the world instead of sleeping all day long.

I'm worried about the spasms but they should stop within 3 months. He offered other things like injections, I got to consider side effects and I just want to consider that maybe coq10 can work. Research suggests it can... it isn't causing side effects... so instead of throwing another drug into the mix I'd rather wait. My leg has had several muscle spasms today... but it should stop now that I've stopped the drug as of today.

My heart monitor left a mark after it came off in the shower. It's since gone away so I'm going to reattach it... it won't be a continuous feed unfortunately but it'll still pick up a decent amount of data for the next month if I can wear it at least 10 hours a day. Unless I get rashy...

I'm going to meet the new therapist today but I dont really want to. I just want to cancel. In 1-30 days I'll get the, "it's not a good fit" speil and then I'll feel like I did yesterday, traumatized.

Maybe I shouldn't be open anymore. I really wear my heart on my sleeve and it bites me in the ass when the new therapist gives up on me... problem with this is- if I am more withholding, then once I start to open up in 2 months let's say-they may leave me then instead of 2 weeks in.

I'm truly giving up on therapy. I technically have a therapist I can start with in August but she will leave me too. Who knows if I'll even be alive in August anyways.

If sleep problems persist. I'm commiting suicide hands down. I'm not going to meet the therapist in August. The one I'm meeting with today is the last chance before it becomes just Mike once a week reporting that I still have ocd and psychosis.

It'll just be a checklist kind of thing. Make sure I stay on disability since I can't work bc I'm mentally ill. And I can save myself from the trauma of being seen as a lost cause....

I'm going to look at this new therapist as a bot collecting a paycheck. So when she leaves me hopefully I won't have much of a trauma response. I'm a paycheck. She's a bot performing a task. She will leave me and then I'll just stay with mike.

Tbh having therapy 3 days a week is really important for my mental health but at the same time it fills my schedule making it hard to plan something like grocery shopping or do this task that requires driving out of town...

So it'll free up my schedule and save me from more trauma. She's a bot collecting her paycheck. She doesn't have a name. She's not a human.

I'm not human to these people I'm a paycheck. So she's an automated bot performing a task. You can't hurt me as badly if I strip you of your humanity.

I should have known when Sarah the automated bot was talking about Prime House and Western as resources that she was actually setting the stage to send the, "it's not a good fit," spiel.

It's whatever though. They aren't people, they are just automated bots performing a task for a paycheck. And you can't hurt me if I look at you that way. New therapist is named automated bot. She has no name. She has no identity. She's performing a task. She's unable to traumatize me when she leaves me if I don't see her as human.

99.99% of therapists are bots performing a task for a paycheck that couldn't care If you live or die and I'm done with providing money to these bots when they don't care and I'm done letting them hurt me.

What's important is keeping my disability status and remembering that 99.99% of people are SHIT and that's why I should avoid them at all costs. Everyone leaves. Everyone. EVERYONE. And 99.99% of people don't deserve to know me and I'm going to hide away from the world bc it keeps me safe. You can't leave me if I don't meet you.

[sweetofsin]

things i can't relate to that aligns w gay love stereotypes

- immense amount of yearning

personally, i just don't desire romantic love that extremely to the point where i'm laying in my bed at night constantly yearning for a love that may or may not exist. as long as i read some form of romantic media and i have some romance with my close friends, i'm content enough to not yearn (doesn't mean i don't ever desire a romantic partnership though) i also prefer to do romantic experiences irl and not just within my head. like, the main time i'm even able to yearn is if i'm currently experiencing a romantic connection with someone and it makes me daydream about them. and i will find a way to make the daydream happen bc i hate living in my head

- falling in love w straight people

maybe i'm lucky or idk but i've never really found myself heavily desiring someone that was straight? there's just.. not much that attractive to me about straight people. i think maybe there was this one girl i was attracted to and even later on, she turned out to be gay. i really want to know what makes people fall for straight people. bc straight people are usually SO PAINFULLY straight to me. i'm not talking just clothes or whatever. it's the mannerisms, it's the belief systems and values, it's how they think or ways they approach life. queerness is so... so specific and i look at those specifics and that's what makes me attracted to a person. or maybe i just haven't met a straight person that would intrigue me enough for me to be attracted to them, who knows

- the lesbian urge to mesh

i love to be my own individual and vice versa and frankly i would get very annoyed or feel pretty weird if it felt like i couldn't have my own individuality or life to myself. same goes for my partner. like why does love have to equal enmeshment. i don't want to suffocate! there can be distance with love too (to be fair, i have felt this way with people but it was due to them being avoidant in some way and triggering me to be anxious. which led to the illusion that i wanted to enmesh with them, but i didn't)

- uhauling

when it comes to friends or community? yes. i'm down. if i really love a (long-term) friend, and they live somewhere i desire to live as well, i will most definitely pack my bags and pick up a flight. romantically however? hell no. there is no way in hell that i would date someone and move in with them like two months later. i don't understand what's the rush? plus i very much enjoy having my own space and the ability to isolate. so unless it's a two bedroom it's def a no fa me

- phantom ex, aka, 'the one that got away'

this just may be due to the fact that i haven't experienced a healthy intimate romantic partnership, but i just can't really relate. i've had romantic experiences with people where it felt really intense, where at a certain point, i envisioned a future. and even then i get over them kinda quickly... like i'll always be attracted and love them from a distance. but i'm fine with moving on and just finding other people and experiences, albeit they're hard to find. that could change with a first love, but i also simply just don't think i'm the type to heavily ponder and cling onto the past romantically wise. i be excited to venture out into the new tbh

- "i fell in love with my best friend and i haven't told them and it's been two years"

even if i wanted to relate, i couldn't. i try my best to hide my feelings when i like people, and it might work for a good minute...? until you see me hyperventilating and steam is blowing out of my ears and my eyes are teary and my cheeks are red and i'm nervous looking into your eyes and i keep giggling and laughing and i don't know what to do except randomly on a friday night, i'll just scream that i like you. kudos to people that can keep that shit hidden for a while though, must be nice. but i also don't think i would anyway. i wouldn't suffer in silence for that long. i would just want to hurry up and know if i have a chance or not and i simply would be too impatient to wait for that long. like yes, slow burn, but not torturous burn

- unrequited love

often times i try to be very careful with my feelings because i get terrified of liking people and not knowing how they feel back. so in terms of LOVE? i don't think that would ever happen. i simply wouldn't even allow myself to open those gates and take that plunge into falling in love with someone without knowing if they'd even reciprocate. and i don't glorify or romanticize it either. it's either you like me, or you don't. and if you don't, i'll be sad and move on. i am a masochist but that's a different type of masochism i refuse to succumb to. and why would i cling so heavily onto the possibility of it happening with one person when i know i'll probably end up meeting someone else in like a year or two anyway that will more than likely reciprocate my feelings

[logicalstansadvice]

instagram*com/p/BbLhXP-BQbm/?utm_medium=copy_link Mods what do you think?

Here’s our conversation about this whole thing - it’s lengthy!

Lady Danger - All I’ve gleaned is that he apparently liked a video from the Shane show where the guy says the n-word that’s in a song. But I don’t know when the video is from or when he may have “liked” the video. Found it! The post is from 2017 and he went on the podcast in 2018.

Le Chef - Listen, I feel like I've said many times about this man that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's a duck. This is not an isolated incident with him and people around him in regards to racism. At a certain point you do kinda have to kinda side eye 😒

Gemini - This isn't even the first time he's done and said questionable things. Just in general I side eye him.

Le Chef - 😂 He ain't got no home training. I don't think Sebastian is racist. But he's def lived around too much diversity for too long for this shit to keep happening.

Gemini - I think he participates in microaggressions without knowing or he does know but doesn't bother being better.

Lady Danger - I side eye his friends and stuff he’s said/done - I side eye myself for some of the jokes I’ve made growing up because of my parents own prejudices but if you’ve learned and want to grow, you know it’s wrong and don’t do it anymore.

Le Chef - Sometimes i feel like his fandom spent a lot of time "othering" him bc he's an immigrant. But... he's still a white immigrant. Not white passing - he’s white. THAT'S MAN IS CAUCASIAN THROUGH AND THROUGH.

Lady Danger - I would infer from his upbringing and from friends who have family from the same general area - he grew up way more conservative than everyone likes to believe.

Gemini - He for sure grew up in a conservative household. I dont think he himself is conservative, but he's the type to not say anything or speak up about issues because it doesn't affect him, therefore it doesn't matter.

Lady Danger - I have a family member like that. They don’t like confrontation so won’t say anything that will rock the boat.

Gemini - I hate that kind of mentality.

Lady Danger - Me too. I don’t think Sebastian has had a reckoning with himself yet.

Gemini - Who knows if he will ever know. At this point it seems like he won't. He's almost 40.

Lady Danger - I have a bit of hope - my family member is close to Seb’s age and is exhibiting signs of progress. But again - its about the people around you and willingness to educate and be uncomfortable.

Vamp - Sebastian has never struck me as being a super intelligent, deep-thinking man. I think he thinks he's really smart and worldly but it's all surface. At this point of his life, I can't see him looking past his privilege and taking the time to look beyond his bubble and educate himself. I don't buy this BS about him not speaking up on issues because he's afraid of saying the wrong thing, I think he just doesn't care to educate himself in certain areas.

Le Chef - Yeah, I'm more at the point now that I ain't even mad if he doesn't say anything. Mans knows his limitations. Just be quiet sometimes. We don't need to hear something from every one. not every one has something important or useful or intelligent to say. Let him just be pretty.

X2 - Also, rich celebs by definition can never be your ethical/politically righteous comrades...their class status prevents them from that! Even the "well-informed" ones.

Vamp - Seb is not my moral compass, he is not helping me raise my family or making me a better person....I don't look to him for any opinions or advice.

HiDrama - Every time a fave trends on the Socials I pray/whisper "please don't be dead, or said something racist or sexist or murdered anyone." But is it bad that I'm not as bothered by this as I expected to be? Not sure why... I was way more upset about Pedro Pascal/ Gal Gadot?

Vamp - I think one of two things happened here: 1. He liked the post without even watching the video because he's a dumbass. 2. He liked the post after watching the video because he's a dumbass.

HiDrama - Yep. Honestly it took me a couple watches to get what was going. The 1st time I clicked the sound on was after he said the N Word. I had to watch that chaotic mess again. Now, I’m having flashbacks to that rap song car scene in White Chicks.😅

Ruby Woo - This fandom is EXHAUSTING. Going back to fucking 2017 to find problematic likes?!? Come the fuck on! Either stan or go, like Le Chef said, I’m sick of this BS.