#keep her from all of it. i dont understand why she refused to grow or even take the selfish serving path

[flower-waltz]

I feel like I've woken up from deep slumber or some shit looking at how absolutely Miserable we've been feeling while in the meanwhile in our overall life we've been doing Better Than Ever Before. Making baby Teddies' dreams come true, hosting people over, having good food, and everything else, I am amazed we still manage to be dragged down by such things in the middle of all this joy. It feels like I am just in the grip of it still, the narratives of family, & I don't want to be at all. Even with everything, or rather especially with everything, always the constant thrum: it is only outside the bounds that I can be happy, be at all. It feels like doing wrong in every moment. It had abated, but when I learned of our siblings, it came back with greater force. I am so afraid of what would happen because I know that right now every moment is a reason for punishment and proof of deservedness of such, within the narrative that although I left it, although I left them, still seeks me. I made a mistake I'd make over again, because I would always have died for her, and even though I know I'd make it over again, I am so afraid of how that could play out.

[hermesserpent-stuff]

So this is an au Im constructing with @honey-minded-hivemind for xmen evolution! This au is the yandere infection au.

This au is predicated on a silly idea I had where remy has the same face, nose, and eye shape as sinister’s dead wife rebecca. And has the same hair color as before she died it black. After a glimpse of remy through some cameras or due to hiring the guild for a job Sinister gets a little obsessed with Remy. Is that her descendant somehow???? He has decided, in that line of obsession in his head since he was unable to save his wife and sons from illness and death, that he will make Remy immortal no matter what Remy wants. 

Then he accidentally makes a viral infection that makes other mutant get a little (lot) platonic yandere about Remy. It passes through cuts. So a infected has to break the skin of a noninfected; scratches and bites. 

Those infected slowly have their pupils become ringed with gold, and the tips of their hair turn bubble gum pink before shifting to a reddish fushia. The infected become more flexible and have keener sniffers. They also have venom that acts like a sedative  when they the target. Target being remy. It doesnt really impact anyone else. The infected want to keep Remy safe, cared for, warm, tucked away from the world, and fed. They see the world as a danger to Remy and dont understand why he keeps fighting them.

17 year old Remy is not having a good time. So many different people come after him. He just wants to be mostly left alone and wants to be able to do his job!!

Plot stages ish:

Logan is the first infected, accidentally getting involved in one of SInisters abandoned labs that happens to hold the infection. He starts having an urge. That blends with a lot of his other feral urges to hunt for a particularly sweet and soothing scent. It slowly starts to drive him nuts when he does not have the scent in front of him. He hunts down Remy who is outside of the Acoylte base for a small job Magneto wanted him to run. WOlverine is nearly fully feral and they have a bit of a fight before Wolvie pins him and tries a bit of the X-men spiel “theres good in you. You can do better ect.” but since his brain is altered he wont take no for an answer and drags a pissed off Remy back towards the . Remy refuses to say his real name so everyone is calling him gambit.

Logan drags the kit to safety for the night and feeds hims and makes sure he gets all the blankets but Remy gets out of the motel the next morning with ease and Logan tracks him down. The acolytes get involved with this fight and they all get infected (colossus, pyro, and Creed)

Back to base:

When they get back to the acolyte base the infected start to grow noticeably more  overprotective and overbearing and overwhelming which Remy is not used to from anyone, as thieves generally try to go unnoticed. Remy begins to worry over how they are acting. He had become colleges and sort of enemies with these people over the last few months and he knows they dont act… like this. 

“hes really worried over how they were acting. gambit looks up from his mug of coffee as creed offers him another pillow. no. this is too weird. he gets up and collosus pushes him back down. and Remy does not take well to being shoved around”

Creed keeps trying to make the nest softer, colossus keeps trying to get him warm drinks and pyro, who has always eaten Remy’s food with delight (stealing it at times till Remy just started making enough for the team and feeding the lot of them) starts talking about learning to cook for Remy. 

Remy notes the physical changes and decides that this might not be mind control and he needs help solving this. 

He slips out while they are sleeping because this batch of yandere have not yet learned that he can be very slippery when he wants to be.

Return of the feral:

Logan tackles him as soon as he gets out of the base as the feral had been trying to hunt him down and he is dragged back to the X Men mansion, much to his irritation. He has work to do !!!

Some convos:

--

Remy, greeting Xavier: Please get him OFF ME!!!

Xavier: in his pajamas, was awoken, is concerned

Xavier: Remy?? Logan, why do you have Remy??

Logan: snaps out of it a bit

Logan: Wait... when did we get here?

Remy: You don't know?!

Remy is furious.

Remy: Well if you dont know when and why, then Im outta here!!

Logan: *growls* no.

Remy: the hell you mean no homme!!??? *angry cajun noises*

Logan: It's cold, it's dark, and it's bedtime

Remy: So?! I don't live here!!!

Logan: Well... why don't you? Live here, then?

Remy: ...

Remy: Are you serious?

Xavier: Logan, please explain yourself

Logan: Look at him xaiver. hes a tiny pup. he needs to be fed more. and he has good in him. he belongs here. where it is safe. much safer than wandering around!

Xavier: We can discuss this over tea

Remy: Hmph!

Later-

Xavier: sees the good in Remy

Xavier: Hmmm... despite my friend's odd way of bringing you here for a visit, perhaps you would like to join us, my boy?

Remy: ???

Remy: Non. I got a job to get back to monsieur. Merci for the tea, but I need to go... Theres somethin' I need to figure out and fix *thinking of the acolytes strangeness*

Logan is very not pleased. 

Logan: Its two in the morning. youre not going out in the dark with no sleep! bed!

Remy; Then you let this cajun leave?

logan: *shrugs*

Xavier: If you decide to

Remy: Oookay?

Later- 

Remy: is in bed

Remy: is enjoying the warm blankets

Logan: is guarding his door 

Storm: Is that necessary?

Logan: Hrmmmm... yes

--

Remy slips out through a window at the crack of dawn and Logan flies into a worried rage that scares some of the x-men. Now the X-Teens are trying to find Gambit, so they'll know he's okay, and so Logan can calm down. Something’s not right…

The hunt:

Remy is now on the run while trying to figure out the problem. But his knowledge of medical science is limited. But he utilizes every connection he has and does a ton of research. And all these people are following him. He is in less control of his charges and other powers because of a lack of sleep. Gambit is slowly losing his mind and jumping at shadows and waking up at tiny noises in the middle of the night. Does not help that the Acolytes had burst in while he slept more than once. 

He fights with both teams more than once.

(TBC)

[wish-i-were-heather]

Any thought on TGG?

YES YES YES YES YES SO MANY THOUGHTS UHM HELLO

okok so i wrote like an essay of predictions and what i thinks gonna happen next on in the notes app on on my phone bc i was camping when i finished reading it so i had no service and couldn't go online and tell people my thoughts 😭😭

uhh im gonna put my main points (spoiler warning ofc also this is gonna get really long)

i think eves whole kidnapping thing is bc of eve (obviously bc like slate is working with her) but because eve wants gray's attention

i cant remember if she knows about lyra or not but still

i just think this because i dont think she would really want anything to do with gigi, just using her bc gray

basically my main point is i think the main plot glorious rivals is going to be about finding gigi (i hope im right and she doesnt get dropped of at home in like chapter three or these will all be incorrect)

when gray finds out what happened to gigi he will flip out. obviously savannah will too probably moreso bc like thats her twin but gray is very protective of them both so he'll freak out like crazy

especially once they inevitably put the peices together and realies why kidnapped her, he'll probably want to kill eve (i'd say not actually but i wouldn't be surprised if he genuinely did. i do so like)

i think that both grayson and savannah will like actually refuse to participate further in the grandest game until they find out what happened to her

and obviously avery and the others arent apathetic so theyre gonna understand and its either gonna be cancelled/postponed

and when they do pause/end the game, they arent gonna tell people why cause that'd cause more drama

omg also im forgetting her name but gigi and savannah;s mom. i feel like she's either gonna be a really big character in the next book or not in it at all, i dont think theres really gonna be an in between.

also xander was really starting to grow a friendship with gigi, so he'd be concerned too.

i want gray and xander to have more "screen time" together and like grow their relationship bc they have a funny dynamic but we dont see it a lot

also i keep forgetting to mention her but SAVANNAH

shes gonna be so worried omg and she will be even more angry and worried than grayson will be

she is going to blame it on avery, i mean she already doesnt like her because she "killed her father" and whatever but just like yk

i have a feeling that the teams from this book are gonna come back

like rohan is gonna be on savannah's side about this whole situation, also like avery and jamie dont like him bc the whole jamesons rib situation lmao so that wont be hard to convince him

and theyre gonna be against avery and the hawthornes because savannah doesn't like her

and then lyra and gray are gonna be on the same side obviously (excluding odette bc idk where she fits into all this)

and not gigi obviously but then knox and brady, theyll probably be doing their own thing??

idk knox is obviously kinda a jerk and i dont like him and hes not in the game anymore

but brady he might try to help gigi? im not sure what to make of him

i feel like each "team" is gonna be trying to figure out what happened with gigi?? idk like i said if finding her isnt the main plot this is gonna be a little embarassing

ok but stepping away from that...

so we've known alice is alive but now thats to odette everyone knows

what did she want tobias to do when she came back? and just idk i have so many questions

WHO IS THE WATCHER???

my first thought is alice but thats too easy, too obvious

for the same reason i dont think its eve nor whoever the heck knox's sponsor is.

what if its this calla girl??? bc brady says shes alive?

why is everyone alive tho tbh first alice then calla, everyone but sheffield sorry sav

UNLESS HE DID COME BACK THAT WOULD BE SO BAD BC HE WOULD BE SO MANUPULATIVE TOWARDS SAVANNAH AUGH

ok anyway idk hes not coming back (hopefully)

i do think whoever the watcher is is the same person who gave lyra the ticket

ALSO KISSES KISSES KISSES I SCREAMED THEY KISSED SAVANNAH AND ROHAN AND LYRA AND GRAY FINALLY OMG THEY WERE SO HORNY THE WHOLE BOOK TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH

especially rohan like woah chill theres other people reading this book save some thoughts to yourself

but overall i loved it and i need glorious rivals right now

[thisdreamplace]

I don’t know if this is the right place to ask this, but I need advice if that’s okay😭 I’ve been keeping up with your account since I think autumn of 2021 ? Since one of my old tumblr accounts.

So a few months ago in Late July/early August was when everything within me crashed in regard to manifesting/spirituality. I’ve been on this journey since July 2018, so I’m not new but I’ve never really had any success. In Late July I started to research the history behind many popular figures in the community. (Like the fraud behind Abraham Hicks & her husband who was a distributor for the MLM Amway) It all just made me feel so defeated.

A lot of people say manifesting is rooted in Hinduism, but Hindus don’t practice any of this. If they do practice it, it’s because they practice the whole new age movement as a whole which at that point they’re just doing a hodgepodge nonsense mix of everything.

There really is no place for any of this anywhere…

I did research on Helena Blavatsky and how she basically gave birth to the new age movement, and how she is where the “Hindus practice LOA” comes from, as well as the modern day concept of Karma. She did it by misinterpreting texts from religions and plagiarizing from her favorite fiction books. Just learning that alone crushed EVERYTHING in me. Like I felt so emptied out in such a bad way.

But this is where truly everything crashed for me: I know a lot of people say Neville Goddard isn’t new age and I agree, but his work (and the new age movement) is branching off of the New Thought movement , and The New Thought Movement was a progression of the religion Christian Science. There’s this woman called Mary Baker Eddy, and she founded the religion “Christian Science”, and in that religion they believed that the body is an illusion as well as the senses (basically non-dual teachings), and that they are all made of perfect love. But they called sickness, disease, etc. an “error”. Instead of calling something lack, they said it was error. They did mental diets and refused medication, obviously their faith didn’t heal them and there are so many deaths. it was the fastest growing religion at some point and now its almost completely dead.

here are some quotes from Mary Baker Eddy:

- “Hold thought steadfastly to the enduring, the good, and the true, and you will bring these into your experience proportionately to their occupcany of your thoughts.”

- “There is no life, truth, intelligence, nor substance in matter. All is infinite Mind, and its infinite manifestation, for God is All in All. Spirit is immortal Truth; Matter is mortal error.”

so like.. it sounds right doesn’t it? it sounds like what we would hear in the manifestation community and that scares me because why didn’t we learn from the massive flop that her religion was? She was secretly physically ill herself and even ran away to another state to escape all the troubles that the teachings were causing. I feel so upset.

People have died from extreme living in the end and there are still some people dying. And so it’s like: where do I go from here now??

oOooOoo this is a fun one uwu

tbh with you, its a VERY interesting take that you have here! like wow you really did your research but for what exactly? to prove to yourself why you never succeed? in (almost) every major religion, there has been evil, blood, death, etc. throughout history but all because theyre highly recognized across societies you would call them successful? i cant agree with that personally by the looks of it lol

i think that the thing is that i dont really care, personally, about any of these people you mentioned. even neville, god bless his heart, did a lot for my understanding of this journey but hes not my god. you put so much into these people and yet, it seems youve left nothing for yourself.

why does it matter what mary baker eddy said and did? do you want to live her lifestyle? follow her path? or would you rather create your own? i dont feel impacted by any of these stories youve shared, because ive already created my own path and been my own proof. i dont need them to validate my way of my life. ive made it myself.

actually, if you found something that relates to you, you could use it but drop the rest if you so see fit. this journey is much more personal than any religion and its followers ever make us seem to feel. because its not a religion we’re dealing with, its an outlook. and while its sad so many people were affected negatively (and actually continue to be affected in this community) doesnt mean the teachings have no basis. unfortunately, there will always be those who prey on the desperate, which is why ive tried hard to be very honest and real in my blog to help those who feel lost.

i guess because you didnt find success you wanted proof that these ideologies are ridden with failure and theres some dark, spooky past but for me it doesnt matter because you find that anywhere. even the “great” religions of today are riddled with gruesome pasts.

so at the end of it all, what are you left with? the same exact thing you began with. yourself, and how you want to show up in the world and what you want to believe about it, and about yourself. thats truly all it comes down to. not what anyone else said. but what you say.

so what do you say? do you ever listen to yourself enough, sit in the silence of meditation enough to hear exactly what your heart is telling you is the truth?

if not, thats where you go from here now :) go back to self, and stop looking for reasons why you cant and why not and etc etc and just start with, and end with yourself. because you were the only one who ever mattered in the achievement of your dreams 🫧

[cartoonrival]

like after all that shite even tho it stretched him out like saltwater taffy naruto is truly not not not not mad at sasuke for any of it. he doesnt hold anything that sasuke did actually against him. in a technical sense hes like yeah you probably shouldntve killed those guys. but he fully blames sasukes circumstances and the pain that hes in for everything that he did. he cant stay mad at sasuke. rolls my eyes. cause he recognizes what drove sasuke to act the way he did and that the world is so so fucked and even if he should hold it against him naruto really does not want to he just wants his best friend back. sasuke tried to kill naruto because sasuke loves naruto and hates himself, and naruto recognizes that this is the reason. and that you have to be in so much pain to want to do that as badly as sasuke did, and he could feel it too every time he looked at sasuke or just thought about him he felt like he was being ripped in two. he realizes that sasuke has growing and learning and changing to do but he doesnt consider sasuke to have " put him through" anything like. naruto put himself through that and i think he'd be the first to tell that to you. im saving sasuke because i want to save him. that was the premise of the whole conversation with sakura in the land of iron like "why are you doing all this for sasuke" -> "because i want to". and i think if anyone tried to be like look what he put you through!!! he'd rip them a new one. which i mean a bunch of people sayig that to him is what pushed him over the edge in such a fashion that seeing sasuke face to face and swearing to die alongside him was the only thing that could bring him back from the brink.

anyways i just do not think sakura has the bandwidth (understandably) for that perspective considering i dont think she feels like she's choosing to go after sasuke in the same way that naruto does. and its not rightreally to call it a choice because obviously he doesnt get in bed every night and be like tonight i will think about sasuke and feel like im dying over and over again, but he decided to. this is two different posts but im stream of consciousnessing it into one. he very distinctly decided not to give up on sasuke i mean there was like. literally the scene where jiraiya was like drop it its not worth it go after your dream only a fool would keep going after sasuke now. and naruto says if thats what a fool is then ill be a fool my whole life. gag. anyways. obviously sakura wants to help sasuke 10000% she wants to help naruto she wants him back she wants the old team 7 back she loves sasuke etc im not trying to say none of that is true, but i dont think she feels like she is quite as active an agent in that decision as naruto does. while naruto thinks theyre on the same page about wanting to save sasuke because they both love him, sakura is quite quick to believe that naruto wants to save sasuke because HE feels obligated. she gets fed up with him for choosing sasuke every time over and over no matter what, she's sick of it! she cant do it anymore! she decides to kill sasuke because she feels driven into a corner, she feels like she has to because she DOES CARE ABOUTHIM and theres NOTHING ELSE FOR HER TO DO. SHE FEELS LIKE SHE HAS TO. ALSO part of her resolve to kill him is that she feels guilty for leaning on naruto so mcuh and relying on him to fix things, so she wants to deal with this situation for both of them which makes this like. very potently an obligation for her. she is killing him as (in her eyes) a noble act. she's tired bro SHES TIRED!

she drops it because naruto gives her hope that theres another way, not because she shares naruto's refusal to accept that there ISNT another way; she has to be shown what it is (understandably so, narutos route is bonkers insane that boy is unwell.) she has absolutely been put through the wringer BY sasuke more than naruto has (in terms of their own povs; in actuality idk im not commenting on that) and chasing after him feels less like an active choice on her part and more of an obligation to the memory of the old team 7, especially in the tail end of shippuden. and again she doesnt understand why sasuke acted the way that he did like naruto does, so immediately the room for understanding is way more narrow on her end in terms of blaming his circumstances rather than him. so for her to be not really able to stand him and way less quick to drop it all, in comparison to naruto, makes soooo so soosoo much more sense than whatever the fuck happens actually. she should be so mad

[birthday-of-music]

hello as mentioned previously here is. lower mv analysis. utc because this might get long

OKAY!! so the first thing we see when we watch the mv is all the characters being represented by phases of the moon. kanade as the first quarter, mafuyu as the third quarter, ena as waxing gibbous, mizuki as waning crescent and meiko as new moon.

now, this may not matter, but the very first thing i (or anyone might have) noticed is that kanade and mafuyu fit together, as do ena and mizuki. they fit together. which is really sweet, whether you see it as platonic or romantic.

so i considered a few things when thinking about the moons and what they may represent. the two i settled on are either: how much the others know about their problems, or: how much hope they have for the future. if you think about their characters, this does make a bit of sense.

meikos moon is completely dark, though, which doesnt fit into either of these categories but represents her unwillingness to get involved in the story. now.

if we look at this, we can see the four cards in the background. its hard to see, but we can identify the two in the light as ena and kanade. the two in the dark are mizuki and mafuyu.

whats interesting, though, is the fact that mizuki is more in the dark than mafuyu. it represents mafuyus growth throughout the story and the hope she has now that kanade can save her. mizuki wants to be saved, too, but they dont believe that they can be.

next scene: we get to see the cards up close. mizuki has their eyes closed, and so does kanade. ena and mafuyu have their eyes open. now, i thought for quite a while about why mafuyus eyes were open, and what i settled on was that she understands mizuki the most out of everyone. she knows what its like to put on a front and pretend nothings wrong. ena looks to be searching, likely for mizuki, whereas mafuyu doesnt look quite like she is as much as ena does (this could just be up to her not showing any emotion though.)

now we get to see the entire artworks. kanade and ena are both reaching out for mafuyu and mizuki respectively. they have a sad, sort of longing look in their eyes. mafuyu and mizuki have blank expressions and their eyes averted. before the chorus, mafuyu and mizuki sing together while ena and kanade do the same.

however, at the line “If you’re not sure, then what are you thinking?” ena sings by herself and then closes her eyes. shes trying to feel what mizuki feels.

now when we get to the first chorus, the video shows mafuyu and mizuki as they sing the line “If we are to be separated, if we are to lose our way.” then the next line “I’ll make sure we’ll be connected this time, no matter how many times it takes” has the video showing ena and then mizuki, nearly as if mizuki is asking what happens if we are separated and ena is refusing to let them think such a thing, cutting off all their worries.

with the line “If you will stay here with me, if I could just keep you from leaving” has the video on ena and kanade again, both with their arms outstretched. they want the others to stay. the next line is about how you could still be saved, and that one shows kanade reaching out and then mafuyu looking away.

SECOND VERSE! kanade sings, closing her eyes like ena did previously. then it shows ena, who also has her eyes closed. mafuyus eyes are still closed, but when mizuki sings, we see their eyes closed, as if they dont want ena to find them. but ena is looking anyway.

similarly to the first chorus, the second goes like this:

mafuyu and mizuki, looking away: “If we grow tired, if there’s nothing more for us here,”

kanade to mafuyu, reaching out: “I’ll make sure we escape this time, no matter how many times it takes”

shes denying the “what ifs” again.

okay. now in the bridge, we see these two images:

the first one is ena and mizuki, ena reaching out and mizuki pushing her away. the second is kanade reaching out to mafuyu and mafuyu just starting to reach back. oughh.

then. ena closes her eyes, kanade closes her eyes. mafuyu opens her eyes, mizuki opens their eyes.

then we see quickly, these four images:

mafuyu, kanade, ena, mizuki. my japanese isnt good enough for these, but the four lines in the middle are something like:

mafuyu: thank you for finding me

kanade: thank you as well

ena: it would be nice if _____

mizuki: if i told her, would everything change?

there are some other quotes along the outside, like “its the truth — you want to disappear more than anyone else.” “because i have no talent…?” “im not going to give up” “next month… next year…” “if the four of us stay together like this…” “i wonder if i can be saved”

in the last line, kanade and ena have their eyes open, and mafuyu and mizuki have theirs closed. at the end, mizuki opens their eyes and then they are alone. thats what theyre most afraid of. if ena knows, if the others know, theyll end up alone.

[dloveg]

Xu Si

+ Xu Si is the less exciting character between our two leads. yup, he is cool but he has less adversities stacked against him.

+ I am wondering what his arc would be

+ So here is a guy who seemed to have nothing but success in his life. because of this, he is convinced that his mindset is the right one.

+ one pov is that he simply does not prefer the stress of running a business (his mom was probably really stressed and was not around much while he was growing up), or, he just disregards the opinion of the elders that managing/growing a business yourself is a nobler endeavor than just financing developing businesses (these are all shared by his mom, jiang hu's dad and aunt yue). will the growth be in the form of acknowledging/appreciating the efforts of his mother by experiencing the hardships real time through jiang hu?

+ he says he wants to put value in inefficient companies - now there is nothing wrong with that in my opinion, so i cannot see where the growth would come from that

+ a more dramatic conflict could be between love and career. do you choose the managing director position over the future mother of your children? this does not fit the confucianist temper of c-dramas though so i dont see it playing out. as one of his co-investors said, career and family life are EQUALLY important

+ so maybe xu si's character development matches his personality. the weight is more cerebral than emotional, which is ok, but not dramatic

+ is it is his cold hearted computations? is the drama saying that efficiency does not come without compassion? that founders are not kpi machines and thus dealing with them requires some leniency and understanding? yup, this could be an arc, and even if it a serious one in the financial sector that runs the world, it does not make for a compelling character development

regarding this, this is currently the most obvious arc for him. he is shown to be very calculated, when his actions do not make sense on the surface, it is because he is actually serving a deeper (more nefarious) goal beneath. he is a guy with plans a-z with z actually being the real plan all along.

as set up, we have ex gf, who consistently tells audiences that xu si was ruthless with her when they were together, no softening of the blows, no excuses; rationality is the name of the game and the only acceptable result is profit

he was like this even with jiang hu in the beginning. was he insulted when she mistakes him for a junior secretary? no. he takes her money, buys a burger and plot to run her father's obsolete shoe factory to the ground.

and then we see him start to soften up. that's ok, he has a hidden agenda for teng yue anyway. but then we see him start to make contradict himself and make excuses. he told his boss he just needs a majority stake on teng yue, so why does he help jiang hu with operations? okay, maybe to increase teng yue's evaluation for a latter sale. xu si continues to manufacture justifications, to maintain an image of himself as a rational investor. what cannot be denied, is that delila has come for xu si's samson.

but can you see xu si, humanity is not separate from profits. they only separate when stakeholders refuse to be kind. value could be created both from viciousness and consideration.

anyway, but baoxing boss could see differently, right. a dollar today is greater than a dollar+ tomorrow and xu si could be forced to choose between keeping teng yue for jiang hu or keeping his career

+ he does serve a lot in the romance department though, so I'll stop complaining haha

[evan-witch]

Lilith Clawthorne x gn.reader (part 1)

Y/N Pov.:

Our kind used to live peacefully on the isles but the emperor caught most of us and used us to satisfy his hunger for palismen. Even if we looked almost like every other witch, he used the little differences of ours to justify his discrimination and terrible behaviour against us.

We are related to the palismen but called nylem. Our bodies are similar to the average witches but we have black tattoolike marks which covers almost our whole back. Its in form of 2 big wings. In the night, when the sun in completely gone we can let the marks transform themselves into actual functional wings. But when we try to to this in the day, the skin on the back peels slowly off and the wings grow out of our backs which is very painful. The reason why the emperor wants us is simply because we release similar magic to when you break a palismen when we transform during the day. So he thought it was his right to look us up in his personal prison and force us to transform during the day. A few staff members would come and feed us every once in while. Im not sure but i think a few nylems had refused to eat because they were to tired and couldn’t bear the pain anymore. But its just a rumour. I wouldn’t really know since we all live in separate cells in order to keep us from making plans together. Maybe i was the last one alive. Maybe i will be the first one to die. I layed down in my cell, waiting for another faceless guard to throw the food to me but instead a blue haired woman opened my cell. I sat up and looked at the woman. She was very pretty. She slowly walked towards me as if she expected me to attack her. I’m chained to the floor and the wall behind me but sure…. After she realised this too she kneeled in front of me. “The emperor wants to try and talk to you in a few weeks. You’ll be able to take a hot bath, eat normal food and wear clean clothes if you cooperate and behave.” She gave me a skeptic look. She turned to the guard outside the cell: “They understand me right?” “ nobody really knows. Its said they used to talk once but we haven't heard one talk in months” , the guard said with a deep voice. She looked me in the eyes. “If you can understand me please nod or give me a sign.” I shook my head and tilted my head toward the guard. “You want him to leave?” I nodded. The guard turned to us. “Ms. Clawthorne, i don’t recommend staying with this beast alone. Its not worth it.” She waved at him signalising him to leave. He listened obediently. “We are alone,” she said. I nodded and smiled. “What else does the emperor want from me. Do i not serve enough already?” My voice was shaking and it hurt to speak because it has been so long since i last talked. She seemed furious and stood up. “The emperor allows you to stay in his castle and provides you with food, water and medical supplies. How dare you-” “Well i don't know about the others, or what is left of them, but i have a slightly different perception. I mean you do see these chains right?” “They are there so you don’t attack the castle again and hurt us!” Now thats it. I stood up (as well as these chains allowed me to). “We are tortured 3 times a week for hours, we are chained to the walls and grounds-“ i stopped because my throat started to bleed and i had a metallic feeling on my tongue. “We?” She looked confused. “How many of us are left?”, i asked. “You are the only one. The last one died 2 months ago. They all stooped eating and drinking after a while. We think it was a disease you are immune against.” “A disease? Really? Are you really that naive? You do realise we are tortured right? Or do you think we are just dramatic wannabe vampire-werwolf fans or something?” She looked down and seemed to think about it. “Even if you are speaking the truth…. How do i know i can trust you?” Seriously? How do i prove my suffering to the obedient and naive guard of the emperor. A tear ran down my face. I looked at her. “You dont have to trust me, but please, if you cant get my out of here-“ I was ready to give up.

Give up on hope. Give up on life… "Please….. if you can't let me leave…" i stoped and looked at her face. My face was covered with tears that rolled down uncontrollably. "If you can't get me out of this misery……. kill me." I whispered the last part but she seemed to understand. A tear rolled down her face. She stood up and left. Closed the door. The guards returned. And i still sat on the ground of my prison cell. My face was still covered in tears, Everything turned to normal. Nothing changed. I waited. One day passed. Two days passed. Then a week. And a month. Nothing. Nothing fucking changed. I ate less and less. I just wasn't hungry anymore. Did seriously nothing change. Everyday hurt like hell. Till i heard a loud groan and several punching noises. The door slammed open and a woman rushed towards me. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I could barely see her. I was too weak and too tired. She quickly took of my chains and carried me out. Once we were outside and she sat on her staff i saw black. Everything sounded muffled till i heard nothing. Everything was black and quiet. I felt nothing. It was such a relief. It was like this for hours till i heard muffled noises again. "I did everything i could but i don't when they will wake up. That poor thing was starved, dehydrated and hurt like nothing i had ever seen before. It's a miracle they made it till you reached me." "I know," a familiar voice said. I groaned. Everything hurt. I tried to sit up but my body wouldn't let me. My hand slipped of the edge and i fell off what seemed to be a couch. My face kissed the floor. It was hard. "Urrghhhhh", i groaned. "Shit", i heard the familiar voice call. Footsteps rushed towards me. Cant everybody just leave me alone. “Oh my titan, Luz, Eda i need a little help”, the familiar voice called is soon as she reached my side. I lifted my head a little to look at the woman next to me. “Ms. Clawthorne?”, i asked hysterical. “Yes, darling. Don't worry well get you back on your feet in no time. Just hold on.” She turned to the door. EDALYN CLAWTHORN IF YOU DONT COME DOWN THIS INSTANT I WILL THROW YOUR APPLEBLOOD INTO THE OCEAN.” Only a few seconds later a white haired lady bursted into the room with a brown haired child under her arm. “I am here” she huffed exhausted. Lilith started to give the two of them instructions on what to do while she helped me to get on the couch again. Ms. Clawthorne sat next to me and seemed really annoyed. After a few minutes passed the two dorks returned with bandages and other stuff. They put the things down on the table next to me a and left the room. The lady looked at me. “I’m going to have to take your shirt of.” The woman said. She saw my concerned look and added: “Your back is probably infected since transforming rips your actual skin. You’ve lost a lot of blood over the last few weeks…. and months… but until a while ago your body was able to regenerate. But now… your as weak as an abandoned stray kitten.” I didn’t say anything. She slowly took of my shirt, trying not to hurt me. I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged them, trying to hold back the tears. So she did come back to me. The naive lady was nice after all. “Im sorry but this will hurt a little,” Ms. Clawthorne interrupted my thoughts. Shortly after a sharp pain echoed through my back. I hissed and sank my nails into the couch till the pain softened. I felt her warm fingers on my back. While she took care of my wound i just enjoyed her touch. It was a little comforting. I placed my head on my knees while she put some sort if glued stripes and cotton on my wound. Her hand stroke my back one last time before she tapped my shoulder and said she was done. I put on my shirt again and bowed to hear, signalising my thanks. She smiled and bowed a little too. “You have nowhere to go right? You can stay as long as you like. I’ll prepare a second bed in my room. That way i can keep an eye on you wound… if thats alright with you of course.” I nodded. It would be great to have a place to stay in till i can repay them.

[desifemininewoman]

how to deal Manchild, when it's your father. Idk my mom will tired as F, still that man will ask her to plate him food. I hate it. I love his as a father but as a husband bro..... if I speak for mom, she got angry at me .

It sounds like a personal family matter, and I understand it must be hard to navigate. I don’t want to give unsolicited advice, but if you really need it, here’s what I think...

It’s obviously difficult to watch, especially as a woman, but this is ultimately between your parents. As much as it’s painful to hear, it’s their relationship, and you can’t control it. All you can really do is set boundaries for yourself. It’s clear you’ve already tried talking to your mom, but it’s not working, and that’s okay. Sometimes, we can’t change things, no matter how hard we try.

Not to make any comparisions, I’ve been in a similar situation with my own parents. My father doesn’t treat my mom badly, but he also doesn’t discourage her "pleasing" behavior because it benefits him. Growing up, it was frustrating for me to watch my mother dot on my father like he was a child and not a grown man.

Even now, as an independent adult, when I go home, my mother still dotes on me like I’m a little kid. I used to find it frustrating. It felt like it was threatening my sense of independence. Like she refused to see me as anyone else but a child. And that's when I realized, it wasn't about me. It was about her. She knew her children had grown up and made something of themselves. Ofc, she knew. She had married off her elder daughter quite recently. It's just that being a caregiver is all that she knows. That she loves to do. That makes her feel useful. Her doting over my dad and me is because it keeps her busy. Keeps her happy. I don't fully understand it because I see her as a damn intelligent, courageous, bold woman who can do whatever she wants. But, you know what? I can respect it. I can respect the life she chose for herself. The life she says makes her happy.

But it was a long journey to acceptance for me too, ngl.

Your mothers reasons to put up with your dads behaviour can be similar to mine. Or maybe not. But, I think that's the starting point. Take a step back. Take off that heavy label of them being your 'mom' and 'dad'. And look at them as normal human beings. Try to understand where they are coming from without the judgement and logic. Try to understand why your mother accepts that behaviour. Most importantly, why does your father behave this way in the first place? Get to know your parents life. It might not be a perfectly valid reasonging, but understanding their mindset- why they think it's okay- can someties shift hoe we view their actions.

You might not end up understanding their reasons, but the knowing would bring you a step closer to peace. It would atleast make you understand your parents. Maybe, growing up your mother was the only kid left in the house to take care of her very old parents. Maybe, growing up your father saw his mother do all these housely duties for his father without getting a thankyou in return and now he thinks it's a norm which is why he doesn't appreciate it. I am just putting a hypothetical out there. Maybe, it's not rooted in their childhood at all. Maybe, its a behaviour they picked up recently. It's up to you to know it.

Now that you understand them a bit more, you might be able to handle this situation more tactfully. Try to subtly change your dads habits or your moms behaviour. Honestly, with our Indian parents it 's very unlikely they would change, but it's worth a try. Sadly, you can't help someone if they dont want to be helped.

Secondly, make the change your own self. Help your mom out more often. If you don't want to be treated the same way your mother is treated by your dad, make those boundaries. My dad might be a 'manchild' with my mom, but he knows he can't get me to lift a single finger that easily. He simply knows he can't get away with treating me the way he treats my maa.

And for you, I think the most important thing is to work on yourself and keep growing. It’s painful to realize that you can’t change everything around you, and there’s a sense of grief in that realization. But ultimately, you can make changes for your future. I promised myself that I wouldn’t carry forward the patterns I didn’t like from my family. You can do the same. Your family might not change, but you can be the one to break the cycle for the next generation.

[ruminate88]

when you’re struggling with cognitive dissonance, and this “longing” for your toxic, ex……

I decided I’m just going to make some list here of the good and the bad things with my ex and also all I’m grateful for in my life because I don’t want to spend another day stuck in all these crazy emotions over Andrew.

First, reasons why I had to end the relationship with Andrew:

1.) His actions didn’t match his words

2.) He didn’t keep a single promise he made me

3.) I saw the conversation between him and my friend Bri… he was flirting with her behind my back for a month and when she asked if he’s talking to anyone else besides her, he claimed “no, there’s no body else” 😢

4.) He wouldn’t break up with me even though he refused to say he loved me and I was afraid he was just messing around with me as a joke

Was there anything good about the relationship with Andrew????

1.) He made me feel something after breaking up with Cody

2.) He showed me I can still love very deeply even after I’ve been destroyed

3.) He pushed me really to take a deeper look at myself and my life choices

4.) He tested my kindness and my patience hehe (not a great list. Wow I really couldn’t find that much good since knowing he’s a liar and a cheater)

What can I be grateful for today:

1.) I woke up 🙏🏻

2.) I have a roof over my head, coffee in my hand and clothes on my back

3.) I’m safe and I’m still breathing

4.) I’m not starving to death and my gut is mostly under control

5.) My hair is growing back

6.) I have a lot of family who loves me even if they don’t say it all the time like I do and I still have soooooo much love to give ❤️‍🩹

WOW!! I have so much to appreciate in life and sadly I had way more negative things to say about Andrew than positive 😭😭😭 I’m sorry Andrew but it’s not my fault. I tried to “love you” baby so hard but you deceived me and lied about who you are and what your intentions are. You’re a total stranger now and it blows my mind!! It’s hard to make a sound opinion of you so I’m just gonna say “I don’t know you” which is true and gosh I’m praying so hard to get completely over you!!! Too long I’ve held onto you and I don’t know why it’s so hard to release you. If you were real and honest, I would’ve loved you for eternity but that’s not how it is. I’m still gonna be nice to you I dont wanna beat you up or talk bad about you. I realize you need hope and mercy the same as I do. I’m no better than you are, Andrew. I don’t ever hate you! I’m not sure why the trauma bond has been so difficult for me: I know you’re way moved on from me and I understand it’s for the best. Be well and whatever you need today, I ask God to take care of you ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[ristiyantihayu]

The moment I step into the family, I was blamed for being "the only child in the family." I heard clearly that they labelled me as a spoiled girl, incapable for doing chores, never touch the kitchen thingy. All without me knowing, or at least they thought I dont know the badmouth.

The elders (might) worried that I couldn't take care the husband and (future) kids well. The way they devote themselves as a housewife. The way they define "woman" using their own perspectives.

I really try to prove them wrong. I showed my will to prepare own baby food, paying attention to all nutrition. I clean their plates (even tho I really HATE this). But none are appreciated. Instead, the eyes were screaming: "whats so special? We're also doing it all back in the days?"

But did you deal everything with a thesis defense right on postpartum period? Did you face a constant struggling of attending online lecture while breastfeeding the baby? Waking up every 2 hours to a crying baby and back to school paperwork directly?

My point is, we have our own conditions. We live in a super distinct generation & environment. Why dont we just leave a negative judgement and understand the bigger picture? Or you guys are simply incapable of doing so?

Another day, the bad stereotype is growing.

I banned my kid from any overly sweet & salted snacks before they reach 2. Simply because me & husband live under diabetic family tree. Father-in-law even suffer from kidney failure resulting from a high sugar blood.

But those family trying (again) to test my patience by giving her chocolate and such. I WAS MAD. And this topic was (again) serving as an interesting mock in the family table in the same circumstances: all behind my back or at least they dont aware that I know the talk.

Today, my kid having a tantrum because she's super sleepy (skipping nap) at the very first place and refuse to go home because she saw some interesting play. I talk to her that it's already nighty night. But yea sleepy kid is ofc serving a controlled emotion. Thus she snap back on my suggestion and crying like crazy.

At home, when she's out of control, I'll put her in a secluded space, letting her finish the anger first and talk kindly after. The process is tough because sometimes people cant handle the screaming. Me—after surfing all those parenting books & reels—is super prepared. Things will okay basicly after around 3 to 5 minutes. Kid is calming herself and ready to talk.

But this time, THE WHOLE FAMILY IS OFFERING HAND and stare me with "wth your kid is crying just give them what she wants?" I keep telling them to: "it's okay just lemme handle this by myself and let her release the emotion. She'll be fine. Pls be patience." But being a super nosy elders they are, none of my words were taken. They keep "oow come here with grandma/whoever it is" as if trying to rescue my kid from my lap.

I really wish I could utter some bad words.

Of course my kid sensing a help, she screams louder. And the scream & rescue cycle could never break. In the end, it was me who was pressured to "fulfill what the kid wants."

I'm super mad. This way, she'll never stop crying madly whenever she wants something. And I have to TEACH THE EMOTION CONTROL ALL THE WAY FROM ZERO AGAIN. I decide to leave the house, sitting in the yard corner and refuse to interact with everyone. I couldn't stand longer in this.

All my head was filled with "ah, another moment to bring me down with badmouth." Another values that doesnt fit the family and me being the one to blame.

The tought also travelled to what if I just divorce, the way I dont escalate the mental pain anymore. What will happen to the kid if the parent go separated way. Giving letter to the in-laws which basicly said "please find another perfect wife for your son because I couldnt handle your behavior anymore. Maybe someone from a village, which could be easily value-driven."

The worst part is I even thinking about the suicide. But at this time, I believe that I'd better be here to protect my kid.

I really hate the badmouth tradition in this family. Everytime the siblings sat together during Raya or end-year holiday, there will be someone to mock. Be it an in-laws (1. X only come here to eat but she never do the dishes; 2. Y is a wife of a rich uncle, but she still keep and using old equipments in the house. What a stingy girl; 3. Z is soo out of control; 4. K is sooo sensitive.) or other people from a wider family tree. I hate it. Like, does it benefit you? Does talking behind people will make them change the behavior and follow your path voluntarily?

I could never understand. And please advice me how to get away from this circle.

[jenrecs]

yo !!!!!!!

This makes you smile. You’d been to that dorm once or twice, but you’d refused to hang out with Taehyung there because… well, dudes are stinky. And you’re not a clean freak by any means, but it was a little gross over there. 

you're right miss girl. a house with 7 boys is BOUND to get disgusting 😷 i love little details like this lol

[4:56 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: sorry [4:56 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: can’t tonight

god. GOD. it's fine. i'm fine. this is because of the whole "i can live without her" thing isn't it MY GUY 😔

“You aren’t in charge of me!” you yell, and head for the bar at a clip, ankles crying for mercy in your heels. You grasp the bar in both hands when you get there, steady yourself, and then reach up to fix your horn headband, which had been starting to slide. You thought Taehyung was right behind you, but when you turn to look, he’s talking to a girl in a mermaid costume. 

again, I'M FINE. I'M TOTALLY CHILL. *through tears* GO BONE THE MERMAID BEAR. LOVE U </3 jo why must you make me cry about this every single chapter

“Consequences like Taehyung would see?” he presses. His voice has gone hard. He’s tiptoed around this issue before, but it’s the first time either of you have ever really given it life.

oh my lord we're finally at this part omg i've been waiting for this since the snippet months ago omg omg omg og omg

You smile at him, relief giving you more of a high than anything else could right now. “No,” you say, and touch his chest lightly, just over his beating heart. You brush your hand down his chest, drop it to your side, and turn to stare out at the crowd. “No,” you say again, finishing the thought. “You aren’t delicate at all. You’re steady. That’s something I really like about you.”

i know they're having a semi serious conversation right now but all i could think was SHE TOUCHED THE TIDDIES 😭

“We have to go,” he pants. “Literally right now. Jungkook hit on some huge guy’s girlfriend, it’s about to be a thing. Help me find everybody?”

oh my gah jungo why r u cheating on me 😟 jungoo this isn't okay

It seems like Namjoon knows, and forgives you. He silently holds out a hand, waiting. You take it, keeping it tight in yours, not letting go even as you slide into the backseat of the Uber, as it weaves through the neighborhoods until it stops in front of your building, as it drives away, leaving you lit in red taillights before vanishing around the corner.

"namjoon knows, and forgives you." see i am living for this contrast between joon and tae. joon is undeniably more mature than tae and even tho he has feelings for her and wants her to choose him, he doesn't know everything about her relationship w/ tae and he understands that a lifelong friendship isn't smth that can and should be unravelled within a single day. when tae finds out about her and joon, i just can't imagine him taking it well at all even tho i know he doesn't have malicious intent. oh my god is taehyung the elyse of this relationship 😟

He tugs you towards the stairs, and you think he’s going to lead you inside. Instead he spins you and presses you back against the stone balustrade, one hand splayed across the middle of your spine, the other cupping your jaw as he kisses you insistently.

OH OKAY KISSING AGAIN MHMM OKAY. OKAY . HES FULL OF SURPRISES ISN'T HE okay dimples way to go

He looks at you for a long minute, expression unreadable. Finally, he says, “Goodnight,” and steps back out into the darkness of the living room. When he gets to his room this time, he closes the door behind him with a soft click. You stare at the inch of light that comes from under his door for a minute before hurrying to close your own door against the dark.

NO WHY DID HE CLOSE THE DOOR NOOOO JOON N HIS TIDDIES DONT SHUT US OUT

He gives a quick, self-deprecating laugh. “I wouldn’t get anything done. I’d just talk to you.”

+

His smile grows. “Wouldn’t help. I’d still be able to look at you.”

+

His grin turns wolfish. “I assure you, that will not solve the problem.”

again, u're full of surprises aren't u dimples! why am i surprised that he's openly flirting with her even after their 2 make out sessions

You’re curious if Taehyung would have still asked you to join him tonight if Jimin hadn’t turned him down first. 

+

You smile up at him, happy to have someone to talk to about this. Kris would listen, you’re sure, because Kris is a good human, but they would much rather talk about romance. And Taehyung… it’s November, and Taehyung has asked you about your classes or your thesis exactly zero times. 

okay jo, RUDE. this is hurting me! but i feel like it's necessary so i'll allow it 😔 it's clear from the start that she isn't as big of a priority to tae as he is to her, but especially since the last chapter i feel like he's somewhat actively trying to pull away from her to prove that he doesn't need her, that he'll be fine without her (the same obviously cannot be said for her) which objectively speaking, is a bit of a childish approach bc she's his best friend 😭 it feels like he's pulling away but still expecting her to stay the same but i guess it's fine since my guy's just a lil dumb 😭

ANYWAY joon and his door thing. i might be reading into it a lil too much BUT it feels like as much as he wants to wait for her and wants her to choose him in the end and all that, he's starting to set some boundaries and trying not to put his all into this bc it might not even lead anywhere and he doesn't wanna get burnt again he doesn't wanna love someone more than they like him again ok bye !

VI. Don't Think About Him || KNJ

(banner by @/itaeewon)

Title: My Feet to Follow, and My Heart to Hold (Masterpost)

Rating: NSFW - minors dni

Genre: college!au, roomie!au, angst, s2l, the absolute slowest of burns

Pairing: Namjoon x female reader, unrequited Taehyung x reader

Beta'd by @/kookstempo, @/casuallyimagining, and @/toikiii - thank you endlessly!

Summary: You know a lot about the many types of love thanks to Kim Taehyung. You love him as the only person you see as “family”, you love him as your very best friend, and you love him as the beautiful, funny man he’s become. But when a twist of fate during your senior year has you rooming with his good friend Kim Namjoon, you just might find that you have plenty left to learn about love. 

Lesson One: there are such things as a right way and a wrong way to love and to be loved.

//

You try - and fail - to figure out who and what you want.

Section Warnings: excessive drinking, bar scenes, language, kissing, groping, maybe grinding idk

WC: 6k

The world is mine: blue hill, still silver lake, Broad field, bright flower, and the long white road A gateless garden, and an open path: My feet to follow, and my heart to hold. - Journey | Edna St. Vincent Millay

Sunday October 28th

Fire burns low in the hearth, but my feet itch and beg to go, into the night where the wolfpack hunts, into the storm of wind and snow.

I can hear only their hunting song. The blizzard steals from me my sight. I have no map to traverse this land, But I peer wistfully into the night.

The wolves, the storm, the wild land, Even still I must decide. I know despite the dangers, I can’t afford to stay inside.

“That’s fucking terrible,” you mutter, closing your book and scooting it away from you in disgust. “Wolves? Am I fourteen? For fuck’s sake.”

Still, it does touch on how you feel: like proceeding forward will result in you getting ripped to metaphorical shreds - but staying here, stuck in the familiar just because you’ve deemed it safe, would somehow be worse.

“Talking to yourself?” someone asks, and you jump with a shriek. 

“Namjoon!” you scold, as you register that it’s him in the doorway. “I thought you weren’t home for a few more hours!”

He crosses the room and tosses his bag onto his bed. “Yoongi has a lead foot.”

“How was it?” you ask mildly.

Namjoon wiggles his head, indicating both good and bad. “The brewery was really fun,” he says. “And it was nice for us all to hang out and talk at the house. We all used to dorm together… it’s been weird not living in the same place as them. I didn’t realize how much I missed it.”

This makes you smile. You’d been to that dorm once or twice, but you’d refused to hang out with Taehyung there because… well, dudes are stinky. And you’re not a clean freak by any means, but it was a little gross over there. 

“Well it was lonely and boring here,” you report. “I’m glad you’re back.” 

You’re instantly unsure if that was too forward, too much. Namjoon going away the literal day after you’d kissed him had given you plenty of time to think in private, but it had also given you room to sow doubts in your own mind. But Namjoon smiles shyly, pleased, so cute it makes your toes wiggle.

“I’m glad to be back too,” he says. “I’m gonna go shower and unpack. Have you made plans for dinner yet? We could order later?”

You hadn’t, but you have a feeling Taehyung will want to hang out after two days away. “I have plans,” you lie, figuring it will end up being true. 

“Ah, no problem then,” Namjoon says easily, and heads into his room, closing the door behind him with a little wave. 

You text Taehyung - “welcome home!! dinner later?” - and get up to start some laundry. By the time it’s done washing, and drying, and you’ve folded it, he still hasn’t answered. 

You try again - “hello??? this is y/n, looking for signs of life???”

This time, the response is almost immediate. 

[4:56 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: sorry [4:56 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: can’t tonight

In the end, you walk to campus alone, eating by yourself in the far corner of the cafeteria. You’ve splurged on ordering too much lately when these meals are built into your tuition. Besides, you don’t want Namjoon to know that your “plans” fell through. 

Friday November 2nd

Angel on the right… Devil on the left… 

You look side to side, conflicted. Such a strong case for each. 

“Are those for tonight?”

You jump, spinning away from the two Halloween costumes you’ve laid out on your bed. It’s not like Namjoon to come over to your side of the apartment; in fact, you’re not sure he’s ever talked to you while you’re in your own room. It’s usually you going over to his door to bother him, if you aren't both in the living room or kitchen. 

“Yeah,” you say. “I can’t decide. You’re coming?”

“I think we all are, except Yoongi,” Namjoon tells you. “I’m going as a detective. I have a magnifying glass and everything.”

You laugh. “I can’t wait to see that. Any thoughts on which way I should go tonight?” You mean the costumes. You’d texted Taehyung for his opinion and he’d returned with, “flip a coin”. You’re not sure why you expected anything else from him. 

“I think that’s going to depend on your mood,” Namjoon teases. “How are we feeling today? Naughty or nice?”

You raise your eyebrows. Was that… outright flirtation? “What if I’m feeling both?” you ask.

He laughs. “You need one of those half-and-half costumes. I’ve seen them in the stores.”

You have too, but you think they’re cheesy. “I think I’ll go devil,” you muse, a finger on your lips as you consider. “The angel wings are pretty cumbersome. And the bars are going to be slammed.”

“Naughty it is.” Namjoon flashes you a grin and disappears from your doorway, throwing over his shoulder, “No complaints from me!”

You slap a hand over your mouth to muffle the giggle. Well this is new, and damn, you want to keep playing. 

You Uber together to the first bar of the town’s Halloween pub crawl, the guys waiting for you outside. Taehyung howls in laughter at Namjoon’s long coat, fedora, and magnifying glass. 

“I see the devil won the coin toss,” he says to you, grinning.

You roll your eyes, still a little peeved that he couldn’t take anything seriously, even when you needed him to. This was a trivial thing, but still. It wasn’t a lot to ask.

Jungkook hands you and Namjoon a flyer with a QR code - it listed the locations of each bar and what time the group would move, in case you got lost or missed the exodus. Inside, you have to pay to get wristbanded, but the wristband earns you special prices at each of the stops. 

“This does not go with my costume,” you pretend to pout, the bright yellow wristband glaring against your short, red dress.

“I think everyone will understand,” Namjoon teases. Taehyung appears on your other side, pointing out the little laminated sign that advertises this bar’s drink specials. 

“You two need to catch up,” he insists.

Three hours and two bars later, you think you’ve achieved this. You and Taehyung cling to each other’s arms, holding each other up, somehow taking turns being the one who needs help staying upright. The first two bars had offered specials on shots, but this one only has special offers for mixed drinks and beer. 

“Do we pay full price for shots, or do we let The Man tell us it’s time to settle down?” you muse loudly into Taehyung’s ear.

“Don’t start with that shit,” he tells you. “This is Halloween, not a hippie convention.”

“I see at least four hippies,” you sniff indignantly.

“I think you’re seeing double,” he counters. “No more shots for you.”

“You aren’t in charge of me!” you yell, and head for the bar at a clip, ankles crying for mercy in your heels. You grasp the bar in both hands when you get there, steady yourself, and then reach up to fix your horn headband, which had been starting to slide. You thought Taehyung was right behind you, but when you turn to look, he’s talking to a girl in a mermaid costume. 

Of course.

It’s fine.

The bartender finally catches your eye and you flash your wristband, indicating you’ll take the special. He nods, turns and picks up a bottle. A body settles beside you; you turn, expecting that Taehyung caught up, or maybe Jungkook stopped by for a beer. Instead, a guy you’ve never seen before smiles at you. 

He’s in scrubs, complete with a fake stethoscope (you think it’s fake, anyway) slung around his neck. His nametag reads Dr. Love. You laugh out loud. “That’s so corny,” you say, your filter well and gone for the night.

Luckily, he laughs too. “It’s sewed on!” he protests. “I honestly almost Sharpied it out, but I thought that would look even stupider.” 

He’s really cute, you notice. He looks… clean. Older. 

“You look…” he trails off, letting his eyes roam to your feet and back appreciatively, “phenomenal. Is there an angel wandering around here looking for you?”

You grin. “Just me.”

If Kim Taehyung can find a hookup everywhere he goes, why can’t you?

But as you lean against the bar and take a sip of your drink, your eyes scan the bar before you. In the mirrored wall behind the team of bartenders, you can see a slightly distorted view of the patrons and all of their costumes. 

Your eye catches on a detective. 

Namjoon’s eyes hold yours through the mirror, though he’s about six seats down from you. There’s a tiny smile on his lips as he sips at what looks like a beer. A smile that says maybe he should have expected this. It’s the same face he’s seen on you when Taehyung does exactly what he did tonight. 

Beside you, Dr. Love is asking you something, but you don’t hear him at all. You don’t want to be here, in this spot, anymore. You want to be six seats over.

“I’m sorry,” you say, interrupting him, plastering a sickly-sweet smile on your face. “I just found one of my friends, and I’d lost them. Enjoy your night, though!”

You slip away before he can protest more than a syllable, before you can really register the disappointment on his face and feel guilty about it. Better luck next time, Doctor, you think, as you make your way to Namjoon.

As soon as you’re close enough he extends an arm, making a space for you right next to him. His arm tucks you closer, protective. He walks with you towards the far end of the bar, where it’s marginally less crowded. Once you settle into a spot there, he doesn’t remove his arm. His fingers rest on your bare, body-glittered shoulder, moving imperceptibly now and then, as if they have their own agenda. 

“Are you having fun?” you ask him. 

“Loud bars aren’t usually my thing,” he answers. “But the costumes are great.”

There’s a lot of alcohol in your system; your filter’s taken a hit. “I like this,” you sigh happily, closing your eyes for a second. You think you sway on your feet a little. The arm around your shoulders tightens.

“Like what?” His voice has gone deep, and you shiver a little. You want to kiss him again; you’d blame the shots but you’ve been thinking about it since it happened. The drinks just make it louder.

“Your arm around me,” you tell him honestly, and he ducks his head, dimples appearing along with a blush.

He shakes his head, still smiling. “You’re drunk,” he accuses playfully.

“It’s a Halloween pub crawl,” you point out flatly. “I’m supposed to be drunk.”

“That’s a fair point,” he allows. Then, he peers at you through squinted eyes. “Are you okay, though? How drunk are you?”

You consider this. “Drunk enough that I want to kiss you again, to hell with the consequences. Not too drunk to remember that there would be consequences.”

The playfulness leaves his face; it’s too obvious not to notice. “Consequences like what?”

It’s a challenge. He knows you know it.

“Namjoon,” you say, a little pleading. Don’t. 

“Consequences like Taehyung would see?” he presses. His voice has gone hard. He’s tiptoed around this issue before, but it’s the first time either of you have ever really given it life.

You feel like you want to cry. “Are you mad? About Taehyung?”

He softens. His fingers brush your shoulder again, absently. “No,” he admits, deflated. “No, I guess I’m not. But we both know that’s what you meant.” He removes his arm from your shoulders. It hangs listlessly at his side. You feel its absence painfully, like it had kept you tethered and now you might float away.

“Hey,” you say sharply, and reach for his hand. You miss and get his wrist, but you hold it like your life depends on it. He looks at you curiously. “I like you,” you tell him firmly. “A lot. I’m trying not to mess everything up - with anyone. But he’s my family, and if I lose him…” You take a deep gulp of air, trying to will your pulse to calm, your stomach to settle, your eyes to clear of stupid tears. “I have no one left. It feels… delicate,” you finish finally. You need him to understand. You wish you were better at explaining.

Namjoon twists his wrist from your grasp gently, but takes your fingers in his. “What about me?” he asks, voice a little pouty. “We aren’t delicate?”

You smile at him, relief giving you more of a high than anything else could right now. “No,” you say, and touch his chest lightly, just over his beating heart. You brush your hand down his chest, drop it to your side, and turn to stare out at the crowd. “No,” you say again, finishing the thought. “You aren’t delicate at all. You’re steady. That’s something I really like about you.”

There’s a moment of silence that stretches between you, tension building like a bassline, and then he gives a tug to the hand he’s holding. You turn back to look at him.

“What do you want, Y/N?” he asks plaintively. 

You open your mouth immediately to answer, but he cuts you off.

“Don’t think about him when you answer that,” he commands seriously, fingers clutching yours so tightly it almost hurts. “Don’t think about anything else but you and me. What do you want?”

What do you want?

“I…” you start feebly, unsure how you’ll even finish the sentence. “I want…”

Jimin rushes up to you, breathless, grabbing both of your arms. Namjoon drops your hand like it’s burned him. If Jimin notices, he doesn’t let on. 

“We have to go,” he pants. “Literally right now. Jungkook hit on some huge guy’s girlfriend, it’s about to be a thing. Help me find everybody?”

“Where are they?” Namjoon asks, quickly setting his beer glass on the bar and reaching for your drink too. You let him take it, eyes wide. 

“Taehyung grabbed Jungkook and ran - I think they’re outside. Have you seen Hobi? Or Jin?”

“Jin left with a girl two bars ago,” you supply, glad to be able to help. 

“I see Hobi,” Namjoon says, craning his neck to scan the crowd. “I’ll go get him. Y/N, go with Jimin, we’ll meet up outside.”

He moves without waiting for an answer, wading through the crowd in what must be Hobi’s direction. Jimin takes you by the hand - it feels much different than it had felt a minute ago with Namjoon - and leads you through the crowd hurriedly, dodging people left and right. You look over your shoulder as he pulls you, trying to find Namjoon in the sea of people, but you can’t.

Outside, Jungkook seems to be arguing heatedly with the bouncer. 

“Come on,” Taehyung is telling him, looking honestly pissed. “Let’s just go. The night’s already ruined, let’s just leave.”

You pull away from Jimin and head for Taehyung. 

“Hey,” you say softly, resting a hand on his arm. He turns on you, still furious, but you don’t waver. “Take a breath,” you tell him softly. 

His temper gets the best of him sometimes. 

He shakes his head, angry, but you see his chest move as he obeys anyway. A second later he says, more calmly, “Come on, Jungkook, we can even go somewhere else if you want. We won’t have fun here, that guy’s friends are all worked up in there.”

Jungkook relents as Hobi and Namjoon join you on the sidewalk. You slide your hand off of Taehyung’s arm, feeling weirdly guilty. 

“We rallying?” Hobi asks hopefully. “Or did we kill the buzz?”

“Rally!” Jimin cheers, going over and shaking a sullen Jungkook’s shoulder. “Come on! The night prevails!”

“I’ll go somewhere else,” Taehyung says. 

“I think I’m done,” Namjoon says, glancing at his phone for the time. “I’ll Uber from here.”

“Y/N?” Taehyung asks, looking to you. For a second, you’re not sure why. Then you realize - you either have to Uber home with Namjoon, or opt to continue on with the rest of the guys. 

The angel whispers that you haven’t hung out with Taehyung as much lately. 

The devil whispers that you and Namjoon could be all alone.

0-2 for the angels tonight.

“I’m tired,” you say. “I’ll Uber with Namjoon. You guys have fun though. JK, try to keep it in your pants.”

He flips you off wordlessly, still sulking. 

They all tell you goodbye, Taehyung giving you an extra-tight squeeze with his hug, and they walk down the block to find another bar. You turn to Namjoon, who’s tapping at his phone to order a ride. 

What do you want? His question floats in your head. 

You don’t know. You want too much, too many things, too many contradictions. 

It seems like Namjoon knows, and forgives you. He silently holds out a hand, waiting. You take it, keeping it tight in yours, not letting go even as you slide into the backseat of the Uber, as it weaves through the neighborhoods until it stops in front of your building, as it drives away, leaving you lit in red taillights before vanishing around the corner.

You’re standing on the sidewalk in front of your building’s front door, Namjoon’s hand in yours, your eyes sleepy but your pulse racing. 

He tugs you towards the stairs, and you think he’s going to lead you inside. Instead he spins you and presses you back against the stone balustrade, one hand splayed across the middle of your spine, the other cupping your jaw as he kisses you insistently.

You open immediately for him, giving a happy noise low in your throat. His spare hand, the one not holding you up off the rough stone below, grips the back of your neck for the barest of seconds before continuing down - rubbing patterns past your shoulder blade, the middle of your back, down to the dip of your waist, the swell of your hip, the meat of your ass. He’d better appreciate every curve, you squeezed into spanx for this dress. 

You grip at the lapels of his ridiculous detective coat, the earth spinning in circles around you in a blur. You’re aware of only where your hands bunch the fabric, of only where his teeth and lips and tongue clash with yours, of only the fiery path his hand traces up and down your body. You melt into his touch, wanting more, trying to pull him closer, trying to get lost in each sensation.

He breaks the kiss to nip a line of sharp nibbles down your neck. You whine, trying to give him more room. His hands come to rest on your ribcage, thumbs not quite reaching your chest, which has to be a conscious decision on his part. You can feel the cold night air on your thighs; your dress has ridden up. This snaps you out of the moment a little. 

“Namjoon,” you murmur, but it comes out a little whiny as he continues to nibble down near the juncture of your neck and shoulder. “We should go inside.”

He stills, then pulls away, eyes seeking yours for any signs of discontent. “Yeah,” he says finally, one syllable all he can handle. “Come on.”

He releases your body gently, letting you find your balance on the pavement. Then, he leads you up the stairs and inside. In the threshold of the apartment, you look at him, a question on your face.

“We’re both really drunk,” he says apologetically, reaching out to brush some stray hairs away from your face. “We should probably cool down a little.”

He’s right - you know he’s right. 

“Yeah,” you say, letting the front door close behind you. “Okay.”

You press one palm against the wall for balance as you fight with your shoes, sliding them off one at a time. 

Namjoon’s in his room, but the door hangs open. You pause in the doorway of your bedroom, realizing you have a problem.

“Um, hey,” you call across the living room, and he takes a few steps to come look at you. He’s lost the hat and the long coat, and his button-down is undone, revealing a tight, white undershirt beneath. “I promise this isn’t a come-on,” you say, biting back a smile. “But I legitimately can’t reach the zipper on this. Can you-?”

“Of course,” he says, crossing the living room. You turn your back to him, presenting the zipper. He gently sweeps your hair off of your nape and places it over your shoulder. You shiver, goosebumps rising along your arms, and you hear him hum a pleased noise at your reaction. You feel him fumble with the hook-and-eye at the top, and then the zipper sounds. He pauses halfway down your back.

“That good?” he checks. “You can reach that?”

“Yes,” you say, turning back to face him. He’s still got a bit of your lipstick on his mouth, and it makes you have to fight off a smirk. Down, girl. “Goodnight, Namjoon.”

He looks at you for a long minute, expression unreadable. Finally, he says, “Goodnight,” and steps back out into the darkness of the living room. When he gets to his room this time, he closes the door behind him with a soft click. You stare at the inch of light that comes from under his door for a minute before hurrying to close your own door against the dark.

Sunday November 4th

You spend most of Saturday in bed, heart and head both pounding, which means you have a lot of homework to cram in on Sunday.

After you shower and eat, you set up in the living room to get some work done. Namjoon’s door is halfway open, and you can hear the clacking and bass thumps that mean he’s writing in there. 

Midafternoon, he appears in his doorway, stretching widely. Your eyes skim the inch of stomach exposed with the stretch and then flick back to your page before he can catch you. 

“How’s it going?” he asks, heading into the kitchen. 

You twist your mouth, eyeing your laptop and the text spread open on your lap. “I guess it’s going. Sort of.” 

“What are you working on?” he asks.

“A paper for one of the bullshit general classes,” you tell him. “Which makes it more challenging, because I deeply do not care.”

He laughs at this, then plops onto the couch a few feet away from you, a water bottle in his hands. 

“How about you?” you ask. “It sounded like it was going well.”

“It was going okay,” he agrees. “I reached the end of a scene, so now I need to like… process, look at what’s coming next. I might take a short walk and let it marinate in my brain a little.”

You smile. “How come you never work out here?” you ask him, just curious. 

He gives a quick, self-deprecating laugh. “I wouldn’t get anything done. I’d just talk to you.”

You flush, feeling your face heat up, and bite back a smile. “What if I refused to answer?” you offer. “I could just sit here like -.” You mime zipping your lips, still fighting a smile. For good measure, you lock it up and throw the key over your shoulder.

His smile grows. “Wouldn’t help. I’d still be able to look at you.”

Your blush intensifies; you’re tempted to go stick your head in the freezer to cool your cheeks down. “I’ll turn around, then,” you tell him.

His grin turns wolfish. “I assure you, that will not solve the problem.”

Your jaw drops. “Kim Namjoon!” you scold, but you’re giggling.

“I’m just being honest!” he defends, laughing deeply, holding his hands up in mock surrender. “Anyway, why? Does it bother you that I stay in there?”

“No,” you say immediately. “You can do what you want.”

He gives you a knowing look, like he’s used to your bullshit and isn’t falling for it. When did that happen? “Don’t get prickly,” he warns. 

“Don’t compare me to plants,” you grumble. 

“Do you want me to work out here instead?” he asks gently, smiling at you like you’re adorable, which just sets your prickliness off even more.

“I don’t know what I want,” you retort.

There’s a long, stretchy silence as you both consider just how true those words are, on several different levels. 

Finally, Namjoon gives you a nod in goodbye and heads back to his room. 

This time, he closes the door gently behind him.

–

Taehyung invites you out that night, to see a movie you’d been talking about. You tell him yes, as long as you can go to the earlier showing. But then you start to feel… guilty. Unsure.

You want to ask Namjoon if he cares if you hang out with Taehyung still. He’s bothered by some aspect of your friendship, obviously, but you don’t know what it is. Is it only the fact that Taehyung is a bit of a barrier for you two? Or is he threatened by the whole friendship? 

You lay sideways across your bed in the fading late afternoon light, considering this. You imagine asking Namjoon. You think his answer would probably be, do what you want, I’m not your boyfriend. 

Which, fair. That conversation needs to come first. Are you together, do either of you even really want that? 

In the end, you don’t bring it up. When it’s time, you do your best to sneak out of the apartment, hoping to avoid any conversation about it at all.

Taehyung’s car idles on the street below, and you let yourself in the passenger side and buckle up. You’re anxious, you realize, as Taehyung starts complaining about an argument he had with Jimin back at their place. You’re afraid he’ll ask something that will lead the conversation to Namjoon, afraid that he’ll catch you tripping up, clue in that there’s something worth his attention there. 

You can’t lie to him. He knows this as well as you do.

That’s why he never asks you questions he doesn’t really want the answers to.

You’re anxious for nothing, because Taehyung talks about his own shit for the whole drive to the movies, and the whole time you’re in line for snacks, and for the whole time before the movie starts as you sit in the back row of the theater munching on overpriced popcorn.

But the movie is good, and you get pulled into the fictional world, and when the lights come on you find Taehyung’s arm casually over the back of your seat. You hadn’t even noticed it was there. 

“I can’t believe Jimin wouldn’t come see this,” Taehyung scoffs as you file out of the theater and back to the lobby. “That was so good! Just because he doesn’t like that one actor?”

You’re curious if Taehyung would have still asked you to join him tonight if Jimin hadn’t turned him down first. 

But, like Taehyung, you don’t ask questions if you aren’t prepared to hear the truth. So you don’t ask. What would be the point?

You wonder during the drive home if you’d feel better talking to Taehyung about what was going on with you if the guy in question wasn’t his friend.

Maybe.

But only a little better.

Monday November 5th 

Unlike the Monday before, Namjoon leaves for campus without you on Monday morning. You aren’t sure if he’s upset with you, or if he just needed to be there early. You’re too cowardly to ask. 

You need some support.

If it’s not coming from your “best friend”, you’ll have to outsource. 

You trudge through your morning class, eat as fast as you can - alone - in the cafeteria, and head to the student center. You get to the store well before your shift starts. 

You aren’t allowed to clock in yet, so you kill some time doing reading for class in the stock room. The second your shift starts, you’re at the front registers, uncomfortably close to Kris’s personal bubble.

“Yes?” they ask you archly, eyeing your proximity suspiciously. 

“I… have a confession to make,” you say, your voice as quiet as you can make it. You’re barely moving your mouth, you’re trying so hard to not actually say these words. “There… has been… perhaps… some kissing.”

Kris is stunned into silence for the first time since you’ve known them. Eyes wide and jaw slack, they stare at you. Then, they clarify loudly, “By you?”

You growl in exasperation. “Don’t be cute.”

Kris beams. “Can’t help it, it’s ingrained in my DNA.”

“I need you to be just a tiny bit serious,” you tell them, “because I am having a full-blown crisis.”

Kris sobers instantly. “Wait,” they whisper. “Crisis? Explain.”

“I kissed…” you cast your eyes around the bookstore, making sure no one’s lurking, “...the one I live with.”

Kris gasps. “You did not! You kissed him? Not the other way around?”

“I did,” you admit, feeling yourself flush again. “Twice. Well, the second time he started it, if you want to get technical.”

“I do want to get technical,” Kris whispers, voice almost reverent. “I can’t fucking believe this. So, why the crisis?”

You take a deep breath. Which factor to start with? Because you don’t want to give up on Taehyung yet? Because you don’t want to risk altering that friendship beyond repair? Because you don’t know if Namjoon will be able to handle your best friend being a guy - a guy that you’ve had feelings for?

“Because I don’t know what I want,” you say, the simplest truth. “I can’t get my head straight.”

Kris cocks their head. “If you didn’t know Taehyung - if you removed him completely from the situation -.”

“Impossible,” you protest.

They hold up a finger to silence you. “If you removed him from the situation,” they continue over you, “would you want to pursue things with Namjoon?”

Guilt hits you like an ocean wave, tugging you down, down, down. “Yes,” you whisper, because that part is just true. There’s no wiggle room, no if’s. You like him. You want to see where it will go. If there were no chance of losing Taehyung in the mix, it wouldn’t be a question at all.

“Y/N,” Kris says insistently, leaning towards you. “You are not doing anything wrong here. Taehyung is your friend. Nothing else - and that’s his fault. You aren’t, like, betraying him by catching feelings for someone else. He can’t expect you to sit around waiting for him until you die!”

“He doesn’t expect that,” you say, still in a whisper, because suddenly your throat is tight in that way it gets when you’re upset. 

“You need to talk to Taehyung,” Kris tells you gently. You groan. “And the conversation should not be you asking for permission, either!” they continue, impassioned. “You need to tell him I’m seeing someone and you need to be okay with it.”

“But they’re friends,” you protest. “It’s so messy. I’ve never had messy before.”

“You’ve never had anything before,” Kris points out.

“That wasn’t nice,” you grumble. “Yes I have.”

“Nothing that mattered,” they correct. “Nothing with feelings.”

You slump onto the counter. “I hate this.”

“I’m telling you,” Kris says airily. “If you don’t talk to them, this is all going to blow up in your face. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.”

“Why do you have to be right all the time,” you complain. Kris smiles beatifically.  

When your shifts ends, your feet take you not towards home, but towards the academic building where Namjoon’s “office” is. 

You’re thinking about your conversation about Kris; you’re thinking about the idea of fairness. 

It isn’t fair, as Kris said, for Taehyung to expect you to wait indefinitely for something that was probably never coming, to hold you emotionally hostage.

It isn’t fair for you to do the same thing to Namjoon - to keep him waiting, wondering, unsure if you’ll ever be completely in it. You know that’s the reason things have kept progressing so slowly between you. You’ve felt guilty letting it get any further, felt afraid of those damn consequences. And if you had to bet, Namjoon has been trying to wait for you to sort it out, to make the choice - to choose him. 

You can hear the low tones of his voice as you approach down the quiet hallway. Only the staff are normally back here, sometimes one or two students who need to speak to a professor, so there’s not a lot of foot traffic. 

You linger in the hallway, leaning against the wall and messing around on your phone, far enough away to not be able to tell what Namjoon and the student are discussing. When the student - a young guy who looks absolutely dejected as he passes by you - exits, you slip past him and lean against the doorway. Namjoon doesn’t notice you right away. It’s clear that his hours have ended and he’s packing up his stuff. When he does notice a body in the doorway, he jumps, inhaling sharply in alarm.

He slumps against the back of the chair when he registers that it’s you.

“I’m usually the jumpy one,” you giggle. 

He gives you a sideways smile as he leaves over his bag on the floor, messing with the clasp. “I didn’t expect to see anyone else. What are you - I mean, what’s up?” 

“What am I doing here?” you tease, catching his slip. You feel a little nervous, but you’re determined to do this correctly, to treat him better. “I came to see if you wanted to walk back together.”

Namjoon goes a little still, and you hurry to add, “It’s okay if you don’t! It didn’t make my walk longer or anything to come here first. I just thought I’d check.”

He lets you babble. He does as he’s been doing since the beginning - he waits you out with a patient smile. 

“So…” you finally finish, the nerves fluttering and hopping around your stomach. “Do you? Want to walk back with me?”

He stands, lifting his bag from the ground and hoisting it onto his shoulder. “Yes,” he says simply, giving you a tiny smile. 

You follow him down the narrow hallway, back down the stairs you’d climbed a minute ago, and outside. It’s a nice day - bright and sunny, chilly but not freezing. Campus is busy, and you have to people-dodge a little as you cross the main section, the crossroads of the two main paths. 

The second you cross through the front gate and step onto the city sidewalk on the other side, Namjoon silently reaches for your hand. It’s different from last time, in the rain - not urgent, not pulling. It’s gentle and tentative and, weirdly, somehow sensual the way his thumb runs over your knuckles as he glances sideways at you to see if you’re okay with this.

You give his fingers a tiny squeeze.

You walk together in silence for a few minutes, and then Namjoon asks you quietly. “How was your day? You had class this morning? Was it for Thesis?”

You smile up at him, happy to have someone to talk to about this. Kris would listen, you’re sure, because Kris is a good human, but they would much rather talk about romance. And Taehyung… it’s November, and Taehyung has asked you about your classes or your thesis exactly zero times. 

“No, not for my thesis,” you tell him. “Just a regular lit class. It was okay! I was so tired, I could barely stay awake… I think I’m still recovering from the weekend.”

He laughs. “Can’t imagine why,” he teases, voice going a little deeper. “I’m sure you were a perfect angel all weekend long.”

The joke - that you’d dressed as a devil - is not lost on you, and you grin up at him. “Clever,” you say.

He beams back, proud. “Sometimes,” he allows.

“How about you?” you ask. “Did you have class before your TA hours?”

“Yep,” he says, nodding. “Unfortunately, it was a research-based class.”

You groan in sympathy. “First thing on a Monday morning? Fucking ouch.”

“Tell me about it,” he says with a shake of his head. “I’m not much of a napper, but damn, I could use a nap.”

At the apartment, you decide to watch a show you’re in the middle of, and you settle on the couch with a throw-blanket over your legs. Namjoon appears in the doorway of his bedroom, looking at you a little balefully.

“Can I… do you mind if I read out here?” he asks.

You scramble to sit up a little making room on the other side of the couch. “You don’t need to ask,” you say, a little appalled that he’d felt the need. “You live here! I never mind, I promise.”

Appeased, he makes his way over and gets comfortable on the other side of the couch. It occurs to you that this is how you and Taehyung usually spend your time - on opposite ends of the couch - but you shove the thought away. 

You glance at him now and then as your show plays, and a few times you think you catch him watching more than reading. In between episodes, you notice his book face-down on his chest, rising and falling in deep, even motions. His head leans back against the arm of the couch, and his eyelids flutter as he dreams. 

Smiling a tiny smile, you fluff your blanket to cover his legs, and press play for the next episode.

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Thank you so much for being here!!!!! What did we think of what I lovingly call "the Halloween Pub Crawl Fiasco"?!

Section VII will drop on Friday, February 24th! I hope to see you there!!

[missmeinyourbones]

HELLO I JUST WANTED TO SAY THE AOT CHARACTER IVKS KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT BUT ALSO HAVE MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD I ALMOST THREW UP SO THANK YOU!!!!

And!!!!

Can I ask for AOT character's as parents but like.. the stuff they do wrong that their spouse would get mad at them for and that makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE like??? "Why did you use a solo cup to feed Charles?" "All the bottles were dirty." I am LIVING for this stuff rn 😭😂

this is so fucking funny please. i love a good crack post, esp when its aot characters being stupid. here are some aot characters x stupid parent moments. also thank u for reading the icks im super glad they made you laugh ^v^ 

eren doesnt feed his babies real food. like food that will actually provide their growing bodies w nutrients and vitamins. you ask him to pack their lunch for school and you look over and see him putting in the whackiest shit: a few peanuts, a bag of cheetos, some oreos, a singular laffy-taffy. hes sick for that. also when his babies are really young and cant eat solid foods yet hes like babe can i give them a bite of pizza? can i let them try this cookie? NAUR 

mikasa read once that talking to your baby in a normal adult voice provides faster growth and development so she refuses to talk in a baby voice or play with your kid in a child-like manner. she speaks to your baby like a normal ass person (which has its pros!) but is so fucking funny to see her converse with the 2 year old like theyre 30 and paying a mortgage. shes like “what would you like for a snack?” and the baby babbles complete nonsense and shes like “ok, i dont understand that, can you enunciate a little more?” or the baby is making a mess and shes openly says “stop. thats annoying” WHAT DO U MEAN UR BABY IS BEING ANNOYING LMFAOOOOO

armin is that weird parent that doesnt let his kid watch shows like spongebob because he thinks its somehow connected to witchcraft and doesnt teach ur kid anything. like he only lets ur kid watch tv if its an educational program (fun police fr). you come home to him and ur 3 year old watching a documentary on photosynthesis. LET UR BABY WATCH SOMETHING NORMAL LIKE DORA DAMN

mentioned this before but jean lets his kids pick out their own clothes to support their decisions and encourage self expression and confidence! but the issue w that is the fact that his kid is like 5 and picks the ugliest shit that does not match....like at all.....so they leave the house looking homeless. im talking you come home and ur kid is wearing neon orange pants with brown boots and a yellow and purple blouse that says something stupid like TROUBLEMAKER <3 and ur like jean. tell me they didnt leave the house like that. (they did.)

connie complains about changing ur kids diaper every time he does it. EVERY SINGLE TIME. he still does it, but not without being such a fucking baby about it. youve been home alone watching ur baby all day and connie finally comes home and u guys are hanging out and ur like babe can you please change them im exhausted from today and hes like EW it smells so bad :/ or GROSS IT GOT ON MY HAND >:( and you can feel your eye twitching bc ur covered in baby poop and spit from the entire day 

sasha openly swears around ur child and then acts dumb/surprised when they repeat her words. she doesnt even think to censor herself when ur baby cant talk yet so shes all FUCK and SHIT around the house. which is fine until your baby’s first word is bitch and shes like O.O WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT. you come home and shes like show mama/dada/whoever what you learned today! and ur baby looks you dead in ur eyes and says bitch.

reiner does puzzles with your kid but gets equally if not more frustrated than they do when he cant figure it out. theyre doing a butterfly puzzle and reiner is trying to teach them how to separate the corner and edge pieces first. once they get to the middle pieces, the two of them are putting any piece anywhere it kinda fits, trying every combination and turning each piece every which way. he starts to get overwhelmed because why is this puzzle for eight year olds so fucking hard and ur daughter notices and is like “dad, its ok, i kinda wanna play dolls instead anyways”

im stealing ur example w the bottle for porco because its so fucking him. so nonchalant he doesnt even think twice about it. hes like oh the bottles are all dirty? why would i LOGICALLY THINK TO WASH ONE when i could just give them formula in a plastic cup? hes so fucking stupid he doesnt understand that babies like struggle swallowing and cant sip and stuff so hes like why arent you drinking? must not be hungry :/ IDIOT

[cynettic]

I just read Kitsune reader x yan Scaramouche's fic, may I have gotten hooked on it? and of course, it's just perfect and that's why I'm here to lose a part two with nsfw, thank you in advance and understand if you refuse:3

Link to Part 1

Summary - Taking you captive, Scaramouche continues to see you as a pillar of support. Coming back home to have you there, always. Even if it meant chaining you up.

Pairings - F!Kitsune!Reader x Yan!Scaramouche

Warnings - Smut, slight noncon ( I tried to make it as consensual as possible but its difficult with yandere themes ), fingering, electricity play

Rating - NSFW

Penpal - Ahhh I'm actually beginning to get attached to this series, might end up writing a couple more posts with different hc and stuff. I hope you liked the post though, have a great day <3

A/N - The literal definition of the ‘stoic cruel boy who’s mean to everyone but you.’ Oh well, Scaramouche is ooc af, but I did change a few things in his backstory so its supposed to make sense for this story ;) Also- since we dont know Scaramouche’s actual name, I have the reader still… yknow, call him Scaramouche. Which is kinda weird cause its his harbinger name but oh well. Also, credit to @cycletr4in for proofreading it ;3

Taglist - @cursedraiden

Stay with Me pt.2

Scaramouche was a gentle captor.

In contrast to piercing eyes and harsh stares when it came to others, he had a soft spot for you. Like the ice that encased him whole melted at your touch, craving for the warmth only you could give him. For your arms around him, to play pretend and imagine he were a child, free, fearless, unbound. A child in your arms, safe and protected.

But you were held hostage, which meant that the chains around your wrists and legs held you down and secured you. Like you were bound to one spot like you’d always been, except this time you didn't have a choice.

You weren't waiting for the Kitsune Saiguu.

Hell, you didn't even have your vision.

This brought on resentment for the dark haired boy. You hated him, you despised him for holding you down under his own judgment. But at the same time, all you saw in him was a child, a little kid who hadn't had the time to grow up. The one who refused to do so because it was his only way to survive in the type of world he lived in. Hide behind that same facade he developed as a kid, snide remarks and unrelenting cruelty.

Just to come back to your arms, sobbing because he was still that child. Sobbing because he was still hurt. Sobbing because you were still his beacon of light, of hope.

He depended on you.

And as much as you built up harsh words to use against him, they dissolved in your mouth when you saw him. His vulnerability that he saved for you and you only. A deep part of you cared for him, a little too much.

Gentle fingers brushed through the locks of Scaramouche’s hair, twirling it around and playing with the strands. It was smooth, a small detail no one would have the chance to notice from the distance he put around himself and others. A quiet hum left his lips as he leaned against your chest, eyes fluttering closed against the soothing feeling of you against him.

The lavish silk sheets were soft against your skin, pillow pushing your form to sit up. Just enough to have Scaramouche in your arms, knees on either side of his body as his head rested under your chin. His chest rose and descended, almost on beat with yours, if not just a tad slower.

You hoped he wouldn't hear the way your heart thrummed against your chest.

Warmth, his body flushed against yours, the luxury of a bed and the small candlelight on your bedside. Different from what you’d grown into just on the side of the trail, sitting for decades. Or with your time with the Kitsune Saiguu, it was never this warm, never this gentle.

But this warmth ended at your beating heart, furiously blazing. Sending an urge of adrenaline through your body, whispering ‘run’ through your veins. A primal urge that would've had your hands around Scaramouche’s neck, till he was wrangling and dead.

Till you could escape.

Hand slowly sliding down his jawline, you let your gentle fingers ghost along the soft skin of his neck. Claws outstretched and ready, sharp and pointed with a deadly intent to kill. You could end him so quickly, overturn his trust and make an escape. You deserved it, you deserved freedom. Not a delusional boy who thought himself protector against someone who’s lived decades more than him.

Jolting at the sensation of a soft grip on your wrist, you watched with idle fascination as he simply cupped your wrist in his hold. Not stopping you, not restraining you, he simply brought your hand to his face. To his lips where he pressed the softest of kisses into your palm. So heartfelt and genuine that all you could do was freeze, not even considering clawing his face.

“I love you.”

You both stayed in that position for a few moments more, silence cradling the tension that slowly dissipated from your body. Forlorn eyes watching as he shift the angle of your wrist to kiss your fingertips. He wasn't waiting for an answer, basking in these soft moments where he could hide in your hold. Like a child, forced to grow up too quickly, yearning back for his foolish naivety, yearning for the childhood he missed.

You were that childhood.

Which is why he clung to you so dearly, showed expressions he didnt know he could make, hold you captive under the impression that it was ‘right.’ What he was doing was okay.

Claws retracted, you pursued your lips, holding back the tears of frustration that burned at your eyes. You hated him, hated him for the chains on your wrists, for the disappearance of your vision that you’d given so much value to. Hated him for the warmth he still made you feel.

You hated him.

You felt like a housewife in some respects. Not with the cleaning and cooking part, and of course no children were part of the equation. But in terms of support, you stayed rooted to that room, loose chains too strong for you to break or tug holding you down. Window was too far, and you were stuck moving around the bed and the desk that sat just a little farther away.

Attempts at having your vision back or more freedom in movement had been discussed with Scaramouche, but as childlike and free as he acted with you, he was not an idiot.

“I don’t plan on underestimating you,” was his answer, head resting on the plush of your chest. “You’re strong, always were. But I have to take extremes to make sure you don’t get hurt, some people out there are stronger than you.”

You wanted to point out that there were a ton of people stronger than him as well, but you kept your mouth shut. “Can I at least see the house? I’ve been cooped up here for so long…”

And he cant say no to such an innocent request as that right?

So he unlocks the chains, the vision at his side reminding you that he was strong. You solely knew that he’d been tough as a kid, and under the intensive training he’d seemed to endure, he was much much stronger. You werent willing to give it a go and lose his trust just yet.

Not like he really trusted you anyways-

At the very least, you’d hoped to get some sort of blueprint of the house, and all you’d received was confusion and your mind making up that the house itself was a maze.

“Didnt we… just pass through here?”

Glancing at the obvious frustration on your face, Scaramouche chuckled, pulling your arm through the hallways you swear you’d seen three times prior. “Nope, most of the hallways look pretty similar. The house wasn't built for dumbasses.”

You flashed him a look and were about to make some snideish rebuttal before you saw the smirk. You knew what he was doing, trying to comfort you with casual arguments you both used to have. Consisting of you telling him to work on his people skills, and him calling you a lazy ass. Of course you missed it, but you also knew you couldn't go back to it.

And then there was the issue when you learned that he was a harbinger.

A scene you didnt want to replay in your head, when a maid burst into your room, Scaramouche acting a tad more intimate. He had an awful tendency to do that, hug your waist and press his face against the crook of your neck. Press gentle kisses down the length of your shoulder that had you shuddering. You weren't used to intimacy, and considering you’d watched him grow up, it was just weird.

Stuttering, the maid had demanded that he was requested by the Tsarista. You’d seen the fear in her eyes when Scaramouche slowly turned to her, seen the unshakable immobility of standing under his gaze.

“Do not enter.” He said, “It’s on the door.”

That was the first time you’d seen Scaramouche kill.

You hoped it’d be the last.

But you’d seen death before, so much death in the time of the Kitsune Saiguu. And for a few seconds, you found yourself fearless as you yanked against the chains, yelling at his figure at the doorway.

“Tsarista?” You snarled, standing just a few feet away from him. His hand on the girls neck, clenching around the pretty skin of hers. Disgusted, the chains that held you back from closing the gap and throwing the girl away from him were impossible to overcome. “Why the hell does she need you?!”

‘Let go,’ you wanted to say. ‘Let her go, she’s going to die.’

It worked, because the ironclad grip was gone, the maid tumbling to the ground lifelessly. You’d been too late, and now her blood was on his hands, your hands. This was your fault and you had half the self control not to thrash against the chains with sharp claws, hands on his neck.

The hard steel gaze vanished in an instant, and like he’d regained his senses, he took a few steps to you. Hands clenching to fists before loosening to fingertips brushing against his palms. Confusion, regret and guilt clouded his features like a child waiting to be reprimanded. You didn't back away, stood firm and fierce when standing and keeping a tough front.

You wanted to cry.

“Its… its a long story.” He finally stated to your question, and when you didnt budge, he took a deep breath. In control again, he closed the distance between the two of you, “I’m sorry.” And that same thrum of electricity jolted through your body, sending you into a spiral of the girls lifeless eyes and Scaramouche’s childlike eyes. Till everything went black.

You woke up with the body gone. Scaramouche was gone as well.

You learned that Scaramouche liked to have things his way. Which meant that he was always in control, always had control of every situation.

Even in those short stretches of vulnerability when he rested in your arms, he still held something over you. And you had to adapt, shift for his wishes, coddle him and stay as his beacon. Because he was stronger, and even if you’d find some way to escape, he would find you.

It was odd, and you slowly let go of the image of him as a child, you knew he was a lot older. He’d probably reached the age your body was stuck in, and with every sweet kiss he pressed to your lips, you knew he saw you as some sort of lover. But as someone who wasn't in control, you simply had to play along, just until you found some way to make your escape.

Without killing him.

_-_-_-_-_

“Strip.”

Laying on one side of the bed, your eyes jolted open at the commanding voice. Slowly, you sat up, eyeing the dim figure at the doorway. Without the help of a candle or the moonlight at the window, you could distinguish Scaramouche at the doorway, taking off the large headpiece as he flung it to the ground.

“Excuse me…?” Your voice was soft, rusty after an evening nap.

“I’ll make you feel good,” was his only answer. Slowly making his way to the bedside till he could properly face you. His eyes were soft, but there was an odd sort of determination that you hadnt seen before. You held back his stare, confusion lacing your features when he suddenly started pulling off loose decorations that hung on his clothes. Just till he unlaced the vest and slid off his shirt. “Don’t worry.” But you didnt know quite what he meant until he leaned further to you, catching you off guard.

So you yelped when his hands suddenly slammed down on your shoulders, shifting you to have access to the buttons of your top layer. He was quick when undoing them, simply swatting away at your hands when you protested and tried to pull him away. Throwing it to the edge of the room when he was done, you could only thrash in horror when he undid your trousers just as quickly, pulling them down before you could grab them back up.

“Scaramouche? Hey-”

And then he threw you down on the bed, exposing you in your undergarments in the cool air of the room. Shivers crept up your spine and bristled across your skin, and before you could curl up to at the very least hide away, you felt a tug at your chains. Fear finally settled in when you saw Scaramouche attach the chain to the bedpost, until your hand was lifted up and he began to do the same to the other.

“Wait wait wait, stop and explain what you’re-”

Only then did he pause from what he was doing, slowly looking down to properly face you. His eyes slid up and down your body, and he took a step towards you. “I’ll make you feel good,” were his only words, and you were forced to take them as all he was planning on giving you. Only when he sat on the bed next to you did you realize what he meant, hand settling on your shoulder, waiting.

“Alright,” you said slowly. Painfully, the words bit your tongue, but you were merciless against someone who had control against the situation. You could say no and you knew Scaramouche would stop, he was gentle to you and you only. And even if he’d been firm just before, you knew that he’d still stop if you asked him to.

A part of you felt thrilled to have that power over him.

Another part of you just wanted to escape.

But you didnt have any hope to do so unless you were willing too give him everything. Because he expected everything and would do anything in his power to obtain it. You’d let him fiddle around with this delusion, thinking that he had control. Until he didnt.

Which is why you didnt flinch when his hand gently slid up your stomach, cold against the warmth you’d had under the blankets. Rubbing gingerly against your skin and drawing smooth shapes over before he slowly slid over your body. His eyes seemed to glint under the darkness of the room, lust filled and wanting.

You didnt shift uncomfortably, you pretended to be that doll he expected you to be.

Just staring up at him as he slowly leaned down to kiss you. His lips felt like snowflakes on a winters day, idly swaying side to side to catch one in your mouth. Jolting like electricity when they melted into your touch, red and swollen when he pulled back. You now vividly felt every touch, as if a current flowed and static jittered in the places he briefly brushed his fingertips.

“You always take such good care of me,” he breathed, lips slowly drifting down your chin. Just past your jawline and right on your neck. The space between your head and shoulder, a soft vulnerable spot that had your lips humming at the affectionate pressure. “Its my turn to take care of you.”

And then his lips were everywhere, collarbone, shoulders, cleavage. Just until his teeth were tugging off your bra, face nuzzled in between both breasts. Both of his hands now resided on your hips, grabbing both thighs to hold them up and against him. You could feel him hard, pressing so close to your heated core.

You managed to keep your reactions in check.

Just until he slowly grinded against you, mouth on your breasts as he again pecked the soft mounds, molding his lips against them as if he could remember the texture, memorize the feel. It was just to that point that mindless sounds slipped past your lips, turning to gasps when his hands on your thighs suddenly buzzed, and static rushed in. Your legs felt weak, entire body thrumming in response to the electricity he sent jolting.

He was using his vision.

The realization was numb against his lips on your breasts, hands slowly stroking the skin of your sides, travelling up. He hovered over you for mere seconds before mashing his lips against you once more, different. He was no longer gentle, and it was with the contact on your tail that you lost all control. When he gently moved it out of the way, backing up.

You were a mess.

Not that you tried to be, you’d been doing your best not to enjoy his touch. But it was hard when your core heated up so fast, mashing both legs together in hopes he wouldn't notice. You knew he would, any action beyond that was just you trying to save your dignity.

He sat there like he was enjoying the sight, the first time you’d seen him actually portray any visual confirmation of satisfaction towards the chains. He’d drink dry any ounce of control you gave him, and it was impossible not to give him it all when you were visionless and vulnerable.

But the dignity you struggled so hard to keep shattered when his hands brushed against your inner thigh.

Fingers slowly made their way to the padded fabric of your undergarments, two digits rubbing the area slowly with expertise. You bit your lip, muffling any groan of anticipation, hiding the way your hips tried to rock back into the gesture. Desperate, oh so desperate. Hiding back the whimpers as he slowly quickened the pace of his fingers against your garments. “Archons Y/n,” he murmured. “I haven't even put anything in and you’re already a squirming mess.”

“Shut u-up,” was all you managed, trying to shift away from the pressure against your clit. But his other hand was on your hip, holding in place. You could only watch and press your thighs tightly together as he slowly slid down your panties, resuming hovering over you. Distracting you with kisses, his fingers gently stroked your core, two fingers slowly sliding into your cunt using your juices.

He was gentle when pumping both fingers in and out, too slow when you thrust your hips to meet his fingers, pleading for him to go faster. But he liked hearing your cries, slowing down when you begged, quickening when you whined and just lay there, taking it.

You shuddered the first time electricity jolted from his digits.

It was when he had three fingers that he sent the static up your body, back arching with such intensity that it even had him chuckling. “Oh? You like it that much?” And then it is like something buzzed against your body, fingers vibrating against your clit as your thighs tightened around his hand. So much that you thought you’d crush it, but it didn't matter, not with the electrifying feeling against your body. It felt so odd, so overwhelmingly good that it had your legs sliding up and down the bedside, toes curling as the static grew and you fell paralyzed to his touch.

It didn't take long with his fingers thrusting in and out of you to cum. Moaning mess when he gave you the time to breathe, teeth biting your bottom lip and then mashing against yours. Your eyes grew fuzzy and most happened in a haze, and all you knew the entire time was that you’d given yourself to him, and that it felt good. You couldn't see the childlike wonder in his eyes anymore, not the need of a beacon or of support. No, the look he shared was feral, the smile tinting his lips almost scary. But it felt too good to care, and you let yourself enjoy his ministrations.

He pulled out and suddenly his own shorts were undone, boxers thrown to the side of the room just like all your other clothing. You didn't see how big he was, just felt his hard shaft against your throbbing cunt, pussy dripping and legs open wide and tired after your first go at it.

You expected him to be gentle like he’d been with his fingers. But he pressed the tip against your core, and in one full motion he was in. Teeth grinding against each other, you held back a scream, shock coursing through your body, overwhelmed with pain and discomfort. It hurt. But it was quickly overshadowed by his movements as he slid in and out of you, slow when pulling his hips back, and rocking himself completely inside you each time. A pattern that let you catch your breath and lose it all the same. Like he was continuously having a go at hitting the deepest parts of you, pulling back before fully thrusting into you and sending waves of pleasure and pain alike.

It was expected, but you couldnt hear yourself.

Not with your mind trapped in a haze of how he felt, body still buzzing after how he’d pulsed his vision through you. And now you were at the mercy of his member, hips swaying along with his, no energy for you to rock with him and try to push him deeper.

Archons, you didn't even think he could go deeper.

But you were proven wrong again and again as he kept the steady pace, hands clawing at your ass and hips. Stabilizing himself and trying to press himself against you, as far as he could go. Slowly, his hands drifted up to your hair, playing with the soft sensation of your furry ears. Pinching and rubbing, fingers coaxing the back of them like a massage. So gentle, but it paled in comparison to the harsh treatment of his dick.

You came first, gripping the chain with your hands in an attempt to stay stable. Walls clenching around him one last time before you got your release, your moans turning into cries when he continued to thrust into you. Your body felt numb, all nerves centred on the way he pounded into you, chasing his own release.

When he did, he pressed his head into your chest, his own breaths heavy with pleasure. Not pulling out, you could only lay there helplessly as his seed filled you, warm in contrast to the electricity he’d shot up your body just earlier. He didnt pull out, and laying in your chest, your heavy breathing didnt stop until he was asleep, collapsing on you and using you as support yet again.

Taking only a minute later to regain control of your senses, you shifted uncontrollably at his member inside of you, sending waves of pleasure every time you moved. Your wrists were restrained and you were stuck in this position till morning.

Achingly, you looked down at the boy, wondering how you would ever manage to escape.

[sweatertheman]

noelle thinks poverty is an aesthetic lol.

to follow up here, i dont believe noelle is some kind of manipulative bitch who doesn't care about anyone but herself. rather i believe she's a sheltered entitled rich girl who has never known real hardship.

noelle is infantilized by those around her, and so she believes she's frail and helpless and needs other people to do all the heavy lifting for her, whether that be emotional labor, or taking care of herself. and because of that, other people keep coming to do everything for her. its this horrific cycle of noelle believing she's not strong enough to do anything and its all so hard for her and she needs someone to come save her, and other people seeing the nice smart rich girl being all sas and afraid and going to comfort her and make sure she never has to actually grow up.

this is why noelle obsesses over the couple things that are wrong in her life. she doesn't know real hardship, she's never been hungry, never been without a home, never been without friends. noelle is used to everything going her way, and other people coming to fix her problems for her. so when something does go wrong, she has no skillset with which to cope with it. none at all. noelle needs to constantly distract herself from dess because she has no means with which to come to terms with it and move on.

this is also why she feels like susie belongs to her. noelle is used to always getting what she wants, and she wants susie. her dad tells her she can have susie, so she believes to some extent that susie is hers now. when kris refuses to tell her anything about susie, she feels like they owe her the information. she knows its not any of her business, but she expects kris to just tell her anyway, because she's nice to them, and she really wants it! its childish.

just generally, thats the thing with noelle. she's an infantilized rich girl who's barely known any real strife, and has no emotional maturity with which to overcome the strife she does experience, so she turns to a crush on susie as a vice, idolizing susie's ability to do whatever she wants as part of her own desire to lash out against the world for wronging her. she's emotionally stunted and doesn't know how to take care of herself, because everyone around her always does it for her.

i really hope her arc explores her reaching emotional maturity and being able to figure out how to manage her own emotions and take care of herself, as well as understand and care about the emotions of others.

@pap03 this was SUPPOSED to be in a reblog of your explanation of noelle, following me reiterating that its correct to say noelle will justify any shitty behavior so long as someone she trusts says its okay, but the post got EATEN by the FUCKING SCHOOL WIFI and now I have to write it all again, so.

I don't know if you'll agree with me on this, but isn't there just something unfair about the way Noelle gets treated compared to Susie? I mean, Noelle gets pretty much everything handed to her. Everyone likes her and treats her well, and is willing to justify her actions and have everything she wants, because she's sad and having a hard time at home, but guess what! So is Susie!

Noelle may have a mean mom and sick dad, but she has a home, money, friends, a family, food, and Susie doesn't get any of that! Susie may not even have a place to sleep at night! And what does Susie get? She gets treated like dirt by everyone around her! She gets demonized by people over nothing, excluded from social activities, mocked behind her back.

Noelle has pretty much everything, success, safety, love, and she's still unhappy! She feels entitled to Susie's affection, feels like Kris owes her information on Susie because she was nice to them. She treats Susie like a possession. And what, Susie is supposed to accept that?! To accept whatever crumbs of respect Noelle can throw her? To be happy to recieve a lunchbox full of chalk?!

The utter gall of Noelle to give the homeless starving girl chalk to eat, when she has the money to buy her real food that she needs, just because Kris happened to say that she ate some chalk. Even if Susie likes eating chalk, its not like she has a choice! She's starving! I am 100% sure Susie would rather have some fucking rice and hot dogs than chalk, but noooo! Noelle gets to decide for her, because she's the starry-eyed blonde althetic rich girl, and Susie is the filthy, poor bully who Noelle gets to whisk away into romance.

This isn't to say Noelle doesn't have problems, but it sure is to say Noelle acts so entitled about them! She feels owed Kris' cooperation in her obsession because she was nice to them, she feels like Susie is hers and no one else's, because her dad told her it was okay. I don't even really blame her for this, because everyone has always treated her with nothing but respect and admiration.

But God, Susie deserves better! Susie has nothing at all, no food, no home, no family, no friends, not even the freedom to choose! Everyone treats her like she's scum, mocks her, everyone would absolutely bully her back if they weren't so scared of her. And despite all this, Susie doesn't get anything! She's expected by the people around her to simply put up with it to take this awful hand and bear it. When Susie lashes out at the world, it's treated as proof that she's terrible. And when the perfect angel that is Noelle deigns to give her some fucking office supplies to eat and gives her a compliment or two, she's expected to thank her and give her all her love and affection, expected to be hers now just because Noelle is sad and needs some comfort?!

Likewise, Noelle has a giant house, a loving father, a strict bitch of mother who does still seem to love her, money, success, food, the love and respect of all her peers, and she still wants to lash out! Life gave Noelle like, three hardships. Her dad is sick, her mother is mean, and her sister is missing. Despite that, she has a great life. But it's not enough for her! The slight fate made against her is something she can't move on from, she can't move on from the hole Dess left in her life. When Noelle gets upset or lashes out, people come to comfort her, they respect her anger, they disregard her cruelties. Noelle is given all the choice, all the freedom. The most you can say is that she has the social pressure of others on her not to excersize that freedom how she pleases. But what does Noelle want to do with that freedom? She wants to lash out over the one tragedy she can't move on from, or to lash out at the world for not giving her what she wanted. Her pain over the loss of her sister is valid, but she doesn't get to act like it means she deserves to do whatever she wants!

It's honestly insulting how Susie gets treated compared to Noelle. Noelle gets everything handed to her because everyone likes her and feels bad for her, and she's still unhappy despite that. Susie has nothing, and is constantly demonized, but isn't expected to want more, isn't allowed to have the freedom to do as she pleases.

Noelle's idolization of Susie makes me angry for this reason, because Noelle already has everything, but still wishes she had the power to lash out at the world, to be mean to people who only ever show her kindness, to get back at the world for hurting her and to tear back the things she lost. She has no respect or understanding for Susie's situation, and just romanticizes the idea of not having to follow anyone's rules, not having to be nice. Susie doesn't make aggressive shows of her freedom because she wants to, she does it because if she didn't, she would loose the few freedoms she had. If Susie didn't steal food and eat trash, she'd starve. If she didn't wear a tough front, she'd be mocked and bullied herself. Susie doesn't have a choice! She isn't allowed to be all touchy feely, isn't allowed to be sad about the wrongs done to her. The world chewed her up and spit her out and she has to fight tooth and nail to claw back everything they took from her!

I got a bit worked up there, but yeah. Susie deserves better. It isn't fair for Noelle to be woobified because she's sad about the couple things which went wrong for her, while being ungrateful for everything she has, while Susie is demonized for every action she takes no matter how mundane because she's weird and has dirty clothes and looks scary, and to be expected to be grateful for whatever spare change the world that fucked her over can be bothered to throw.

Please, let me know what you think, pap!

[hatgame]

Hat kid please hat kid

Okkk sooooo

species hc: she and bow are both sentient time pieces of sorts, rewinding time when damaged enough to when they were fine and thus being kind of immortal. the only people aware of the rewinds are the undead

more under the cut

i really like shane frosts backstory for her: her parents forced her to grow up earlier than necessary and she made the decision to run away, which, leaving her to fend for herself, forced her to grow up as well. its a sad story, but hat kids not necessarily a sad kid.

i used to commonly portray her as sleepy and calm, her head in the clouds, and while i still think of her that way a lot, shes become much more multifaceted to me nowadays.. i think this part of her is mainly evoked to me thru her being showed in bed both at the very beginning and end of the game, as well as (mainly blue) time rifts feeling like dream worlds.. as well as the game always feeling incredibly dream like to me.

shes also definitely impulsive and mischevious, often growing childishly malicious. refuses to view adults as an authority and so makes fun of or otherwise doesnt take seriously any who try to assert their dominance. if another kid tries to do that it might work though

also, while understandably not a skill most kids have, shes pretty good at not taking things to heart or otherwise distancing herself from situations or people. this is something she developed early when she ran away from her parents. that doesnt mean her fallout with mu didnt hurt her though..

shes a lonely kid craving recognition and attention despite sometimes willingly pushing people away. in the very beginning of the game, although very quietly, her alarm clock voices her todo list for the day, with one of the points being something along the lines of "draw faces on rocks and pretend theyre people" which, while obviously meant to be humorous, still hints at (or outright states) hat kids loneliness and lack of desire for solitude.

that said i do not think that's why she did the bff contract lol i think she did that out of pettiness and because she thought thatd be really funny. i dont think she wanted to genuinely befriend snatcher from seeing some hidden heart of gold in it. i think it was a bit

you could say shes canonically scared of them because shes portrayed as such in one of the final journey storybook pages

i agree but actually disagree. i personally believe this is her after their first encounter, before properly understanding what his deal is, not even necessarily tragic backstory wise.. in her diary entries she expresses infinite confusion and disbelief at being forced to do evil community service. which doesnt even seem to directly benefit the scary person thing. its making her deliver mail to its among us babies. also the justification for vanessas manor is so funny hes like steal something from there. and then he doesnt even ask to keep whatever hat kid takes. also she calls snatcher weird on multiple occasions like it just completely saturates her view of him. whatever initial intimidation she had just melts away because hes just some weird person thing. not even really malicious just abnormal

which is why its very hard for me to believe shes hurt by death wish. frustrated and gamer raging? sure lol. but i feel like its like Ohhhhh so this is just genuinely what dead people hanging out equivalent is like? trying to kill each other? (quality time w snatcher) ummmmm ok.. kind of weird though lol. but fun. she ❤️ outfit

ok now regarding the tsundere thing. i do not think she is sincere there. at all. i think shes making fun of him. with the only genuine implication being that the way he is behaving is not sincere. hes not necessarily soft just different. also shes like i do not know what this thing thinks of me. were friends i think. i dont know. (i think they become actual friends later on :) )

with empress i think shes actually intimidated by her, regards her pretty highly and gets actually scared and embarrassed when trying to get what is very clearly her stuff back. but not scared enough to not return to the metro or mess around eating food on the clock. i think they eventually make up