#kasmei

[badedramay]

I know you’ve discussed it here before but I’m just overall so put off by certain aspects of the PakDrama fandom, but recently the YumHaj fans’ treatment of Maya.

Maya has been a superstar for years, and through it all she has always posted about wahaj, his dramas, wahaj and sana, their daughter—all way before wahaj experienced the success he has now. I mean for God’s sake she was even dragged for taking photos with him at his own wedding like a decade ago. She has always been by his side.

But now yumhaj fans are accusing her of being “chipku” for hanging out with her friend who’s been her bffl since before any of y’all knew wahaj existed and chasing wahaj for clout. Like excuse me— Maya chasing wahaj for clout??! Are we in the same timeline? If we are, I hate it here.

history is being rewritten and revised as we witness it. at this point the PakDrama industry is divided into two sections - related to Wahaj and unrelated to Wahaj. 'Wahaj' is still the common factor here. either things are about him or they are made to be about him. it's not just the fandom behaving this way, the whole industry is. even editors of renowned magazines cannot keep Wahaj's name outta their mouths to bitch about others. Wahaj's name sells, that's a fact.

hence, even Wahaj's oldest relationships are now being seen in a new light. friends he has hung out with for years are suddenly "using" him for clout as per his fans. his own family who has been his support since before he even got his first big break in the industry is now "insecure" and "jealous" of the work he's doing. and none of it is coming from Wahaj himself. he's of course far too BUSY being booked. but his new found fans and haters have taken it upon themselves to decided and announce what's going on in his head. without even knowing 1% of what goes in their fav's real life, they have taken the responsibility to decide how a grownass man is being "used" or "manipulated" by his friends and peers because of COURSEEEE the grownass man has no say in these matters. he's far too innocent and pure and naive to figure out things going on in his OWN life. but salma on twt knows exactly how he is being wronged as she sits scrolling on her phone all day long and cooking up stories based on her personal dislike for anyone that's not Wahaj. blah.

I was annoyed. I was even mad. but now i am just tired. this fandom's behavior which is borderline character assassinating not just Wahaj but practically any woman in his vicinity has put me off from even wanting to interact with anything he's doing. i just want Trashbin to end because i hope that will reel in the craziness a little cuz good lord I want some sanity to prevail again.

[profanetools]

Tagged by the wonderful @nuwanders and @wispstalk (thank you Frances and Ray) in this tag game. Most writers I know have been tagged, but I'm tagging @ervona @jiubilant @zurin regardless. Enjoy <3

A line from your fic that makes you laugh

She lurched forward, which made the bird – who she discovered was a crow named Gnorgi, could not eat carrots, and had since decided the piping of her external combustion engine was a very comfortable perch – very upset with her.

-- from my Free Day piece for TES summer fest this year. I think there's a few funny lines but I enjoyed balancing out the first section, where Bthemetz receives the most devestating letter of her life, with touches of humour.

A line from your fic that makes you sad

Clinging to that smock... and I think about how it smelled of her, her and fresh soap my omas made, and sometimes soot and hot metal and sometimes a little of the sea, because the soap couldn't always get rid of that smell. I didn't really give a damn. It was my uma. My uma. I'd just hold on to her, my uma, and try to bury myself in her clothes and cling on for dear life.

-- from Vyra: What's your fondest memory?

Think this one is self-explanatory.

A line from your fic you're proud of

The wind begins to roar. The seas surge inwards. The cold is sharp in the air. Kagrenac realises, despite themselves, that they would move the mountains to the stars to close the distance between them at that moment. That they would remake time and the world itself to lessen her pain, if they had such a power. The unspeakable things they would do, yet again, for Bthemetz! Those very same things that had torn them and the world apart. And where does that leave them, now? Here at the end of the world, apart and away from their people? They are only mortal. They cannot do anything. It is bitter, it is such a bitter thing, to reckon with. “I am sorry,” they say softly.

-- also from my Free Day piece for TES summer fest this year.

I edited this last paragraph a bunch as some adjustments got deleted by poor 4G connection on a train ride (fool me for trying to write on British Rail). Still, despite difficulties getting it back into shape, I love the core central irony of this. And it touches at the core of Kagrenac's character -- this is someone who has looked at the limits placed on them by mortality, by that injustice, and said 'no, I refuse that'. This is someone who moves mountains if those mountains inconvenience them.

IMO, there's power in that. TES is a world of petty gods and the dwemer, as I write them, refuse that logic and seek to write their own world, and I very much want to write that as something admirable rather than simply 'hubris'.

For Kagrenac, Chief Tonal Architect of the Dwemer, to say 'They are only mortal', that is such a concession, an admission of defeat. And yet, Kagrenac is so used to dealing with problems in this way that they don't seem to realise apologising is perhaps the most powerful thing they could do in this moment.

A line for your fic you think could have been better

”[...] Don’t you dare push me away because you believe you can think for me.” “I’m not trying to think for you, Bthem – I’m trying to warn you–” “And that’s fine, you can have your opinion – but you don’t get to tell me what is worth my time. That’s not for you to decide. If I end up dead or worse, that was my decision, that was on me. Don’t baby me–” “I’m not babying you.” “Then respect my opinion. [...]”

There's not a specific line but I do think It's the Opposite of A Problem has issues that really frustrate me in retrospect.

I don't think Bthemetz would have dealt with Kasmei self-sabotaging like a teenager (not entirely OOC imo, Kasmei has some immaturity) as gracefully or as leniently as she does here. I think it ought to have blown up into a big fight without a positive resolution. I also think the characters don't communicate in dialogue as much as talk at each other. I'm loathe to delete anything on my blog but I'd be tempted to delete this piece.

A line from your fic that makes you want to punch a character

“Have you lapsed back into an infantile theism, playing the dissident priest in a moment of senility in your old age, or do you simply wish to insult me, Bthemetz?”

-- From A Thesis On Twelve Tones: Chapter 7.

One of the most punchable Kagrenac lines.

A line from your fic that makes you go 'aww'

I love you, you’ll tell her later, after you’ve brewed a pot of her favourite tea. you’ll nip out, when the sun’s still orange and she’s still trying to catch some not-actually-necessary sleep, and pick the dark stemmed leaves you know she likes, from the highest point of the mountain where the air thins, gets herself giddy over. it takes a lot out of you to visit her in person these days - you feel layers of you shedding every time you have to phase somewhere, like the world wants to yoink you back to the void like a naughty child. stay here says the universe. no, you shout back. you suspect there might come a day where you can’t do this, anymore. where you’ll actually be dead. wouldn’t that be funny, you’ve told Bthem, and she always tells you to shut your trap, because it’s better that you’re here. it’s better, so you’ll keep on struggling. you’ll keep on swimming, until they tear you down. “Good,” you say to her. “It’s a good thing, you’re still here. A really good thing.”

-- From The Sky is Full of Smoke.

I need to write a proper Kasmei/Bthem fic at one point because their soft moments are really good, IMO.

A line from your fic that's full of symbolism

When you raise a knife to your scalp, you think better of it. You finish your tea. It's the fourth era of some empire you've never heard of. Dynasties, what are they good for? You sign the guestlist with VYRA. You give no family name.

-- from VYRA.

It's on the nose, but I love the certainty of this. It's characteristic of and yet represents a peaceful coming to terms with herself - she does not need to be either precisely 'dwemer' or 'chimer' by the norms either group demand, nor does she need to hold family ties that hurt her. the shaving metaphor is less subtext and more text: she is no longer almost violently trying to cut off the deeply dwemeri cultural background she has. but she also does not necessarily align herself with 'Kemel-Ze' or 'Demnevanni' or any other clan or house. Despite her abrasiveness, Vyra has actually conformed strictly to dwemeri or chimeri cultural expectations much of the time (with mixed success, she's v autistic-coded), and has found navigating her dual heritage really hard, and I think there's a lot of power in her accepting that as soon as she accepts herself.

I think the next step after this fic would be about her trying to reconnect with other lost Dwemer and trying to build some semblance of community, in ways that don't trap her back in academia.

A line from your fic that contains an Easter egg

They are the stranger of the two: both unfamiliar and bizarre. They are cloaked in a thick mantle, the colour long faded, that trails to the top of their boots, but between the edges of heavy fabric one can glimpse an odd angle, a strange glint, of what looks like a suit of mismatched metal armour, wrong times, wrong periods, wrong histories soldered together, a patchwork of replacements and remnants, walking. The guide had wondered if there was anything but a shadow underneath it. (A shadow, a spectre, a haunting thing that wears a crossbow large enough to spear through a dragon’s heart, steady on their back.)

-- from Where is Shor?

This is actually Bthemetz, but funnily enough I think a lot of people actually missed that because of the deliberate use of they/them pronouns here.

A line from your fic that's shocking

“You would be cut down in less than year,” he says, simply. “You have no credentials, no family, and most Vvardenfell Clans have no great love for anyone in the Western Mountains. What little you would gather would be destroyed in a matter of minutes.” “It would be better,” they snap, “than another year sitting and doing nothing.”

-- Bauble

Not that shocking on the surface, but there's definitely something self-destructive about 19 year old Kagrenac, refugee of Nordic Occupation and Bitter about it, here arguing with 24 year old Dumac, lawyer-in-training and layabout (until they came along), about whether raising an army would be a sensible thing to do.

A line from your fic you want to talk about more

Bthemetz stops. She flings her arms outwards. “You tried to kill me!” “I know.”

-- also from my Free Day piece for TES summer fest this year.

Cheating here because I actually have a half-written fic all about this, actually. Hoping I will finish it before the end of the month.

[kagrena]

WRITING DIRECTORY

My name is sasha (@profanetools), and this is a collection of writing from 2018-present, largely about the dwemer + lesbian romance.

I'm most well known for Twelve Tones, a multi-chapter fic about Kagrenac and her wife, an original character, Bthemetz, clashing over the construction of numidium.

Since I have a number of pieces of writing on this blog now, I've decided to make a directory. These pieces are organised by date of posting (old -> new).

Bolded pieces are on Archive of Our Own. Italicised pieces are personal favourites.

Dwemereth: Kagrenac & Bthemetz (Mostly 1st Era):

I - if she had the choice / II - the first memory would be of her wife

a thesis on dance

"Why do you let them call you that?" "Call you what?" "He."

and there's a lingering scent (Dumac/Nerevar)

‘The Jagged Tea Set’

#3: “to the heart of all things“

"I am not looking forward to this"

It is really only on the third day they begin to address the topic / Saviour

at first / there is the sense she could almost collapse

Hopesfire

Magic (femslash february 21 prompt)

Home (femslash february 21 prompt, NSFW)

A Thesis: On Twelve Tones plucked from a still-beating heart

After (Chapter 10 Twelve Tones Spoilers)

In The Shadow of The Missing God (Bthemetz/Boethiah, Early ME Chapter 8 Twelve Tones Spoilers)

Solaris / "Take my hand"

The Sword that Lies Between them (Kagrenac/Almalexia, NSFW)

A Thesis: On being submerged by fire (Twelve Tones spoilers)

mortar

She had been rumoured to be making a god-in-process

You had always loved her

From a lost missive, dated 1E165/4E160

ON NUMIDIUM'S BRASS ARCHITECT

Her wife sits in the parlour with freshly made tea

"Is everything alright?"

Beard care routine / [1E370. An evening party somewhere in the void]

From Dwemereth to Resadyn's Wilds: Vyra Rzarak Demnevanni (1st era):

Vyra

Knox's Diary: "Breakthrough. Finally, Vyra's talking again."

Knox's Diary: "What's your fondest memory?"

After Dwemereth: Bthemetz & Kasmei (2nd / 4th era)

Wounds & Healing

A dwarf, an assassin, and an undead nord tongue get on a cart

It's the opposite of a problem

"So, what dya think of Senya?"

Letters to Mother from the 2nd Era, numerous and unsent

(an epilogue, sorta)

The sky is full of smoke

Narga & Ysamyne (3rd era):

He had expected the witch-thief’s hidden rooms to contain materials for profane rituals / Candles (Ysamyne)

Performance (Narga/Almalexia)

Sun's Dawn, The Second Day (Narga/Ysamyne)

The Song of Ysamyne Montrose (Ysamyne)

(4th Era)

But Where is Shor?

[im-the-anti-hero]

jo aaj bhi kuch kar ke wapis aa jao,

to aaj bhi tumhari ho jaugi.

Agr lad logey zamaney se,

to saath khaadi ho jaugi.

duniya ki rasme, ye jhoothi kasmey,

tod ke aa jao, to fir tumhe chahungi.

faasley jo khatam kar do,

tumhari himmat ban jaugi.

jo bandhan dil se naa jude,

wo ghutghut kar nibhana kyu.

jag ke dasturo ke khaatir,

khud ko yu jalana kyu.

hai muskil safar, namumkin nahi,

sab niyat ki hai baat, koshish karta wahi.

jo chahta hai kuch badlna, kar ke rehta hai,

pyaar mein dar nahi, himmat ka dera hai.

baatein to sirf baatein hai, aur kuch nahi.

jo aaj bhi tum chaho, to hoga sab sahi.

kher masla to chahat ka he hai,

tumhare dil mein wo baat he nahi.

bas hum he hum hai is kahani mein,

tum mere saath nahi.

Jo lad paao pyaar aur khud ke liye,

to intalaah kar dena.

main saath nibhane aa jaugi,

mushkil ho raha sahi,

andhari ho raat balhy he.

[tereishqnachaya]

breakingnewsghagra

  Nakuul Mehta sneaking in compliments for Shrenu...

yaaaaaaas, the only thing I’m excited about for this IB/DBO crossover whatever is more of my brOTP shivaay/gauri!!!!

IKR?! I have zero se bhi kam expectations with this mergershit and if it was in my hands, it wouldn’t happen at all. But the thought of getting the cast of both the shows together for once resulting in all the crazy bhai-bhabhi-devar shenanigans doesn’t sound bad at all. But my pessimistic ass knows it will be a week long disaster. Oh god..already all the fandom drama is giving me headspun..when it actually happens how will I cope?!

[darkandtwisty83]

kasmei waade nibhaayenge hum milate rahenge janam janam

dekhaa maine tuz ko to muze ayesaa lagaa

barason kaa soyaa huaa, pyaar meraa jagaa

too hain diyaa, main hoo baatee, aajaa mere jeewan saathee

kasmei waade nibhaayenge hum milate rahenge janam janam

cheharon se ho anajaane hum dil to dil ko pahachaane

kabhee pyaar naheen marataa hai, paagal praemee hee jaane

aa jaatee hain lab pe khud hee, bhoolee bisaree baat

kasmei waade nibhaayenge hum milate rahenge janam janam

too hain mere jeene kaa sahaaraa, sadiyo puraanaa hain saath humaaraa

too hain diyaa, main hoo baatee, aajaa mere jeewan saathee

kasmei waade nibhaayenge hum milate rahenge janam janam

jis dil mein pyaar basaa hai, wo dil bhagawaan kee murat

ye murat kabhee naa badale, badale insaan kee surat

dil ke bandhan itane sachche, jitane ye din raat

kasmei waade nibhaayenge hum milate rahenge janam janam

[keeninghearts]

two extremely stubborn idiots who are really determined not to talk about their past and their issues and their mess decide to hold each other accoutable for their bullshit and eventually open up and they’re soft. they’re so soft. bthemetz floats back and kasmei grabs her soul back from daedric clutches and bthemetz falls asleep on her shoulder for the first time and it hits kasmei like. ah. this is what we have. i’m in love with her. of course.

[addyrockin]

Tujh ko bhi jab apni kasmey

Apney waady yad nahi,

Hum bhi apny khuab teri ankhoun me rakh kar bhool gaye.

[unleashself]

ishq ke do hee makaam hote hai.. kar guzrte hai jo fizool hee badnaam hote hai.. kehna paaye jo woh bhi tamaam hote hai.. zaahir kare jo woh bhi haraam hote hai... chaar din mei Do ishq ke naam hote hai.. jo na kare woh bhi kahan ehtraam hote hai.. kar guzarne waalon ke zulm-e-guzar Naam hote hai.. yeh bhi kahin na kahin khudha ke kaam hote hai warna... ishq ki kasmey khane waale bhi aam hote hai..

[vishwaspur]

writergenie replied to your photoset

Thank you so much for this... your version of the scene looks so much better *read less eye meltingly red* than the appallingly red lit scene we got on the show

KASMEY HALAT TIGHT HOGAYI THI TYRING TO FIND A DECENT COLORING FOR THE SCENE!! It was either red or yellow! And all the redness was on Gauri? Like what sasta nasha level of symbolism was that supposed to be i have no idea? My friend colored on the scene and separately even she came up with the same  coloring more or less. EVERY person who edits the show had the SAME reaction to the scene - HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO COLOR THIS SCENE?! Bruh...it’s not easy having to watch these shows with the eye of a giffer. One can never be relaxed!!

[schono27-blog]

Kasmey Wadey - Tekiu

[badedramay]

Yooooo I will forever be bitter over what Rabia pulled with PSM. She schmoozed all over Maya on social media, but also trashed the character of rakhshi all the time on her own social media. Like I get that Rakhshi *was* probably Maya’s weakest role and it totally translates to what you said earlier about Maya choosing based on her personal life — that’s on Maya for going for that script. But man Rabia turned out to be a little bit of a snake. She didn’t have to crap on the character Maya played and then be all nice to Maya on Instagram to get clout. I’m so glad Maya seems to have realized that early on and I’m not even sure Maya still follows Rabia on ig anymore.

You are absolutely correct in that Maya loves — not a typo — in the present. She doesn’t think about her past much from what I can glean from following her for nearly ten years or so. She makes friends quickly and they become her life and she also loses friends easily. The obvious problem with that is she’s blinded by her current friends’ love and doesn’t see their flaws or if they’re using her. I know you know all this. Just sort of thinking aloud for myself.

But anyway I’m so glad she gave us JBG. It didn’t bring the TRPs but it gave her critical acclaim. I have high hopes for Asmaan Boley Ga (btw RIP to Emaad’s son 🙏🏽) given the production behind it, and suddenly everyone loves yunhi now because it’s not TB. Our girl will be ok, but can totally sense your frustration with her at times to just branch out and see more. Work with more. Agghhhbhhhhhhhhhdhdhhbbh.

sometimes I kinda wish Maya would realize things earlier on considering how many times this has happened to her. but I guess that's just who she is as a person. she's just that open&honest to always wish for the best with any new person she meets. you are so right about her always loving in the present. the thing with that is that she gets SO caught up in the present that even with people that she still has a good relationship with, you get the sense that she's completely over them and that just feels a little bit...dismissive of their good times together at times. i know as human beings we cannot always carry ALL our friends with us all the time and our nature propels us to make new relationships when life pulls us in new directions but idk..it's just weird how she fully erases the past. or maybe it's just me thinking of it this way cuz I want her to still keep up some of her older bonds that have been a huge deal in the past because they are indicative of the happier times? a lot of my feelings are so incredibly personal here when i discuss Maya that i really dont know how to make proper distinctions. damn i need therapy.

the news of Emmad's son was so sudden and sad. i can't even imagine what the family must be going through :( omg the recent TB trend reminded me of the pre Yunhi interviews where Maya talked about actors have a responsibility to read the scripts and if they aren't doing so that's on them like she KNEWWWW what was gonna happen. made me go back to watch the videos and the comments are all, as we know, shitting on her cuz she was "offended" by the "critics". 3 months later and the depth of her baatein is all out for all to see. like...i fucking love how Karma serves like this!!!

[profanetools]

I've been trying to hack One Thousand Year Old Vampire for a game with Bthemetz post Battle of Red Mountain since MUCH of that game fits her predicament - functionally immortal, but her chassis was near destroyed / fell apart, needs to convince/manipulate people to help her rebuild it/maintain it post-dwemer (and thus has a need for mortals/ordinary people), extremely long-lived, issues with memory, etc.

It's definitely made me rethink my post-red mountain canon with her (little concrete exists really asides from kasmei & bthem) and also made me engage with her relationship to lorkhan in an interesting way, but I may need to rule some shit out

Either way, the time between battle of red mountain and where I want to pick up on her again during skyrim's timeline, post-morrowind and post-septims, is EXTREMELY rough for a lot of reasons and has her acknowledge and grapple with her lack of mortality directly

[kagrena]

the sky is full of smoke, but the fire's all burnt out.

"I have this recurring dream. But I don't think it's a dream, actually."

you're in bed together. it's funny – neither of you needed to sleep. she's made of wires and salvage and you're made of ash and light glued together all wrong. but you liked the facade, on occasion.

"What happens?"

"Well... I meet her again."

you try not to tense up. all you know is scraps and what she's told you, in moments like this, but you've told her before - you can only imagine Kagrenac as someone truly giant. a colossus of a woman, a tower of her own making (even though, as Bthemetz has told you before, she was no taller than 165cm).

"And...?"

she squeezes your hand. stay with me.

"It... um, well it's a bit of a disaster, actually." there's a laugh. there's little humour in it. "You'd call it - what, a right old shitshow? A clusterfuck. A flaming shitheap."

"Wouldn't say 'right old'. But go on. Big fan of shitshows."

"Oh, you're such an ass," and she kicks you in the knee. but it's a game - you can't feel that kind of pain anymore (like, literally. your pain threshold is totally shot. thank you head trauma) and you're not about to let go now, so you hold her loose as she breathes into you, tries to open the cavity where her heart should be but instead there's an empty drum, and takes a deep breath.

"I mean – it's like nothing happened. Nothing at all. Nothing. It's the same damn argument, Kas. Ugh." she slumps back against your chest. "She's still trying to take me down like there's a fully-fledged choir watching her, demolish me, dismantle me, brick by brick, until I'm rubble, and then she'll grind me down into dust, and then put me in a smelter to make a knife out of, because she just doesn't know when to stop." she takes a weary, weary breath. "And you know, it used to - I mean, I was never scared, you know, Rena was... well, Rena until right up at the end and she wasn't my... I guess I saw what she was to others. And I used to find that... disquieting? Overwhelming? Like my chest was going to cave in, which doesn't even make sense, Kas, it's... am I making sense?"

"You're making sense, Bthem. It's alright."

"Okay. Okay.... well. It was... that, but it's... now... now, you won't fucking believe this, but it's just tiring. I'm just tired of it. I've grown bored of the same damn argument. It gets tedious – traitorous, treasonous, treacherous, all those darling ts she just loves to tick off as she tears into me, grinds me up to pieces, again and again, all the while, I'm standing there just thinking... can you please tell me something I don't know? Really, where's the novelty?" there's a laugh, that could be a cry that's been strangled. "And the thing is, the thing that gets me, is that I've tried pushing past that, I've tried... I've tried saying, Kagrena, open your damn ears, put your head to the audioscope, by the hearing-brass, just listen to where the world is! It's still live and kicking! It hasn't ended just because you're gone. Everything has changed and gone and it's still changing and going and.... and she's stuck in that moment. She's stuck there."

you think of Kagrenac, the colossus, entombed in her throne of singing metal. it's a false image.

"And it's... not as if she doesn't know. That's the thing. She's..."

she points to where there's a space.

where she told you, once, how the scholar-priests, sapiarchs, who thought their secrets the domain of their selected few, decided to carve a false god out of a woman's body. where the beat comes from.

you still struggled to get your head around that.

"She knows what year it is. She knows who's a candidate for the contested spot of High King and who's a puppet for the Empire. She knows... the Grandmaster of the Tong, she knows her name. She knows all of this." a deep breath. "And it does not matter to her in the slightest. Insignificant, in comparison. It pales." Her fingers curl slightly. "To what? To our arguments? To our impassioned debates over a dead machine. It's all dust, Kas. Dead pages. And even what's left of her, still caught up in the beat, it's... I'm talking to a relic. She's stuck. And she can't move on."

and she's rattling. closest she can get to the shakes, in this body.

"Bthem," you say, steady.

"I'm scared for her. Does that make any sense? Does that make any sense at all?"

you don't think you know the answer to that question. you never knew this woman. putting aside - as you've learnt to do with everything Bthem - all those nasty children's tales you were fed about the dwemer, faithless heretics who spun their own demise, you've pieced her together through wistful stories about her demolishing her opponents that Bthemetz finds funny for reasons lost in time and then late night crying fits Bthem refused to talk about for the first ten, twenty years. you know it can't be the whole picture. you know Bthem loved her once, loved her utterly. even if you can't fathom how.

"It sounds complicated."

"It... yeah, it is. I'm really worried."

you have to word the next question carefully.

"You think something's bad going to happen there... wherever she is?"

"That she's at the root of? No. She's too gone for that." something breaks in her voice. "But... Kas, she's trapped there."

you feel something in you tighten.

"She's trapped there of her own volition," you say evenly.

"She was backed into a corner," said Bthemetz. "You know this."

you did know this. you have put to memory every bitter detail of the account she gave of the most important event in Morrowind's history. you remember how much it hurt for her to tell.

"I know. But then she chose not to move on. She was pushed, sure. But you say she's still there, still stuck, still lashing out. But she doesn't have to be like that, you know?"

"Kasmei, she lost everything."

"So did you."

you moved on, you don't say. you lost thousands of years. twice. and you still find reasons to live.

"For what it's worth," you add. "I don't wish her eternal torment. Nobody deserves that. I just..." you scratch your head. "This is hurting you, you realise that, yeah?"

"Of course I do."

"So, forgive me, but I find it hard to sympathise with the person who's causing you hurt."

she's quiet, for a moment. you suspect she doesn't agree - that she brought this on herself, that this was deserved, somehow, and would bristle, if you pushed the point further - but you've given her something to consider.

and you almost - you almost draw her in tighter than you should. you want to hold her tight to her chese even though her heat tank is still half-functioning and she's hot and cold in all the wrong places.

if you were a normal person, you'd have scalded. if you were a normal person, it'd have left a mark.

but you remember, at the last moment, that she needs space to breathe.

"Hey, Kas?" she says, after a moment. "I'm not a complete relic yet, am I?"

"No," you say, without hesitation. "You're still kicking, aren't you?"

"I guess, yeah." her voice isn't as heavy. "I'm still kicking."

I love you, you'll tell her later, after you've brewed a pot of her favourite tea. you'll nip out, when the sun's still orange and she's still trying to catch some not-actually-necessary sleep, and pick the dark stemmed leaves you know she likes, from the highest point of the mountain where the air thins, gets herself giddy over. it takes a lot out of you to visit her in person these days - you feel layers of you shedding every time you have to phase somewhere, like the world wants to yoink you back to the void like a naughty child. stay here says the universe. no, you shout back. you suspect there might come a day where you can't do this, anymore. where you'll actually be dead. wouldn't that be funny, you've told Bthem, and she always tells you to shut your trap, because it's better that you're here. it's better, so you'll keep on struggling. you'll keep on swimming, until they tear you down.

"Good," you say to her. "It's a good thing, you're still here. A really good thing."

[tereishqnachaya]

Lol! Yeah interested in the Maya rise primarily and kind of exclusively.. waiting for the general mahira hype to die down sooner or later now.. and i really want maya to win in all her glory too..! yeah obi's into dance more for the technicality and the steps but not the overall feel i think.. heard s.o. say he looks like a pt teacher while dancing.. he also joked once 'why are the ppl having fun while dancing??'.. so yeah.. i just want my maya to win her trophy and carry on dishing out quality!

I...don’t know how to react to this? Really? He said that? Huh...I did like his dancing when I was #crazyinlove with him. But this “technically good but has no feels” wala observation sounds prettayyy accurate to me. I saw Faizan Khwaja’s dance video the other night and he was doing some poppin’ lockin’ hiphop moves. Kasmey...ANC ke time wala pyaar jaag gaya video dekh ke!

Pata nahin wo din kab ayega when everyone will get over Mahira >.

I just can’t wait for the next glimpse of Maya and for her to slay my existence again!

[badedramay]

oh wow.

been a WHILE since I logged in here. how’s everyone? does anyone even care? oh well. did you guys notice how I lost all my tumblrs cuz tumblr randomly decided to deactivate my main??? but shukar i got it back. and now i am logging here after ages and kasmey emotional emotional feel horaha hai. i have forgotten half the things i did or said here. this feels nice.

maybe i should think of moving back here. won’t be a bad idea.