#kakashi no idea of what a proper human interaction looks like hatake

[spacealligator]

12 year old Kakashi at Obito during training: you poor excuse of a shinobi, you goddamn idiot, you incompetent stupid piece of-

that same night: dear diary, today I tried flirting with Obito like Rin suggested, I think it went really well <3

[modernart2012]

I’m Friends with the (Monster)

@sumigakure Halloween Event 2017

Prompt 10: Normal Person meets Someone and finds out they’re a Monster

Word Count: 2107

Rating: T (for safety)

WARNING SPOILER FOR A WIP THAT INFLUENCES THIS FIC HEAVILY. IF YOU DON’T WANT THAT FIC SPOILED, SKIP THIS FIC.

On AO3

“Obito, you cannot be serious right now.” Rin sighs exasperated. “If this is the sign you're turning into Dr. Uchiha, tell me now so I can go get Shisui to do a refresher on ‘Normal Human Interaction 101’.”

Obito whips his head around from where he was stealthily peeking around the edge of the Uzumaki Special Collection Library, “Rin, there is absolutely something weird about Bakashi! Who else is that young and -and - aloof at University? This is the most prestigious University in the Elemental Nations and he’s walking around like he’s the greatest thing here!” He pauses and continues, “Also, Unce Kagami made that PowerPoint presentation you know.”

Rin boggles, but ignores that tidbit of information. “Kakashi is Dr. Benzaiten’s stepson. He’s a genius, and has probably spent enough time on campus to be comfortable. And even if he’s a little odd, well, he’s traveled all over and then some besides, he’s probably an amalgamation of different cultural norms.” She checks the time on her phone, “Look, I need to head to class. Dr. Senju and Dr. Kato are really strict about attendance at practicals; I’ll catch up with you later. Don’t get arrested, Chief Uchiha will flambe you alive and then Dean Senju will completely erase your existence from the space-time continuum.”

At the mention of his guardians, Obito has to pause to consider Rin’s point. Uncle Madara and Uncle Tobirama were both excellent parental figures, if easily distractible, but they often disapproved of any Uncle Kagami-esque shenanigans. Supposedly there was an International Incident involved, at least once, but Obito didn’t believe the University would give a PhD and then hire someone who caused such rampant mayhem even if the mayhem was in the name of Experimental and Theoretical Magic. It didn't matter, there was definitely something weird about Bakashi. And Obito was going to prove it!

Maybe. He’s got about an hour until his class with Professor Namikaze, and that’s his favorite class. He doesn’t want to be late. He goes back to nonchalantly trailing after Bakashi, who seems to be looking at nothing and eating through his mask. Which, why does he even have a mask that only covers the lower half of his face? The excuse of, “Protecting your mucus membranes from the elements is essential to proper health,” seems like a blatant lie, but Obito doesn’t know or want to know about what goes on in niche fitness nut circles to call Bakashi on it. And that asshole tries to tell Obito his (true! Verifiably true!) explanations for his tardiness are bullshit. Obito would like to call hypocrisy, thank you very much.

Bakashi is halfway through walking the Forest Quad Loop, after stopping a bajillion times to touch random knots of wood, or pet moss, or crunch leaves, or sniff a rock - at which point Obito had to seriously consider that Bakashi was onto him and just fucking around to mess with him - when a massive white wolf comes crashing through the forest. Obito is about to shriek in horror, because oh Fire God’s Eternal Flame Bakashi is gonna be eaten, when a terrifyingly strong hand clamps over his mouth.

It’s long - too long for anything natural - and scaled. Scaled like a pit viper from Kaze no Kuni. Which, since Obito has checked as part of his law courses, are non-native to any part of Hi no Kuni and illegal to import. There were rumors of Dr. Benzaiten having weird questionably-ethical experiments with human subjects and genetics and magic, but that was into ... regeneration? Can snakes regenerate body parts?  Or is this an escaped prisoner with a weird magic trying to take revenge on Kakashi because Colonel Hatake is part of the Rangers of the Hi no Kuni military and killed someone important to this person? The Army Rangers do do a lot of high profile and clandestine stuff, it’s not outside the realm of possibility....

“What are you doing following the Princeling, mortal?” Princeling? Who? Bakashi? Maybe he is part of a LARP group? Well, he seems the type.

“I didn't realize people LARP’d on weekdays. You know what, I like this answer. This explains everything.” Obito lifts up and ducks under the arm, then shakes the man’s (possibly, the special effects makeup is some of the best Obito’s ever seen) hand vigorously. “Good day sir. I need to get to class.” The man seems astounded, like he's just experienced something impossible. Maybe he thinks Obito is part of the LARP?

Obito thinks everything is going just fine as he heads back towards campus when the LARPer dashes faster than his eyes can track into his way, this time brandishing a knife that outright bristles with barely leashed offensive magic. Something that is powered by the ... power of blood, to drain whomever it cuts of their life and/or bind that person to the wielder's will, if Obito is reading the runes right. “Do you have a permit for that?” It slips out his mouth faster than Obito can think about it.

“What?” Maybe he didn’t hear him clearly?

“That knife. Do you have a permit to carry a magical weapon with a black magic enchantment? Because it’s a felony if you don’t. Unless it’s for ritualistic or religious purposes and therefore covered by religious exemption, in which case you still need a permit, but it’s stamped specially and registered with the government.” There is an objective downside to living with a cop, and it is this: you learn bits and pieces of law that have no real use outside of a government office. Obito didn’t need to know the precise breakdown of the law regarding enchanted weapons or items with aggressive intent before he started studying pre-law.

There’s no light of dawning understanding with this fellow, and Obito suddenly has the sinking suspicion this might not be a LARP when he starts gathering magic like its cotton-wool. People with that level of magic know better than to throw it around in broad daylight without protective barriers up, and as far as Obito can tell there is no protective barrier to stop the blast from affecting any unwitting bystander. Gods all dammit, why does Obito always run into the psychos?

Luckily, there’s no law against carrying an pre-prepared protective barrier, concealed or otherwise. At least there’s a bright side, he’ll be able to tell Prof Kushina if it worked or not. It takes three reflexive handsigns to activate, but it ripples out in a wash of violet beautifully. Just in time, as the scaled man lets loose, and Obito means that quite literally. He’s never seen such a large Air and Earth combo before, slashing winds and jutting earth spikes rising and falling and rising in chaos. He’s buffeted about, but otherwise unharmed.

He’s bracing for the next wave when a voice rings out across the path. “What’s going on?” He glances sideways to find Bakashi and the massive wolf watching.

“Bakashi! Get out of here! This dude’s gone crazy; I don’t know how long this barrier will last.” Dr. Benzaiten would be out for blood if his stepson was even the slightest bit injured, which meant Uncle Tobirama would be displeased, and Uncle Kagami and Uncle Madara and Dr. Sarutobi and Dr. Senju and Dr. Ogata would be mad, and then Professor Namikaze would do his squinty-eyed smile that screamed “justifiable homicide” and then Prof Kushina would be pissed because her boyfriend was in prison which would make Aunt Mito displeased and Uncle Hashirama would end up taking it out on foreign policy decisions leading the whole world into war. Really, it’s in everyone’s best interest Bakashi get away now. At least if it’s only him, then everyone will think there was some sort of accident and there’d be no war, right?

He’s met by a blank and dispassionate stare. The wolf even gives him the same look, and Obito is officially done with everyone giving him that look, okay? Animals shouldn’t even be able to give that look! Where was the justice?! “Uroko, what are you doing to Obito?”

The scaled-man, Uroko, bows deeply, “My apologies, Princeling. This mortal here was covertly following you and I wanted to be sure of his intent. The Lady would be most displeased with me if her grandson was injured on my watch.”

There’s a lot to unpack there, and Obito’s mind leaps from idea to idea faster than he can rightfully track. Kakashi’s ... grandmother, this Lady, was powerful enough, or important enough, that she was having people with rare magical ability protect her grandson. And she’s probably a Queen, if Kakashi is a Princeling. Which meant this ... body guard, probably of a foreign country, given his unfamiliarity with the laws of Hi no Kuni - Tetsu no Kuni, probably, they’re the only place with a monarch and such pale coloration - his only job is to protect Kakashi from threats. Like a stalker. Which, what Obito had been doing was legally stalking. Oh Fire God’s flaming balls, Uncle Madara is going to kill him, then Uncle Tobirama is going to erase his existence for causing an International Incident. Is it too late to beg for mercy? It’s not too late to beg for mercy.

He opens his mouth to apologize, but what comes out instead is, “You’re related to a Queen?!”

Uroko puffs up, proud, “The Young Princeling is the direct grandson of the Fair Lady of the Wild Hunt, Queen Sayaka of the Seelie Court.”

Obito had been following along into that last one. Seelie were only legends, Fae who were supposedly kinder than their Unseelie relatives, or the High Fae who were the cruelest of the lot. There was no way Bakashi would be - except Bakashi is facepalming as if Obito has just been some inconvenient truth, and so is the wolf, which really is much bigger than it actively ought to get in the wild but would be explained by the fact it’s Fae, and - “The mask is to hide something unnatural, isn’t it?”

Bakashi pulls down his mask, revealing a face that is clearly non-human in beauty, then bares a wolfish grin at Obito. And he means that quite literally - that smile is full of wolf teeth. Obito eyes them speculatively, “How do you even make words?” He had no idea Bakashi has a mole by his mouth - does Bakashi even know he usually gets rice grains stuck in the same spot? Or is that coincidence?

Bakashi corrects his mask, scowling. “That’s what you take away from that?”

Obito shrugs, “It’s either that or fleeing screaming into the pond.”

Uroko interjects, “The pond is full of kelpies and kappa.”

Right. Murderous water horses and turtles. Fire God’s balls. “I will not be fleeing into the pond, then. I’ll flee to Uncle Kagami’s office.”

Bakashi raises a skeptical eyebrow, “Can you even make it back down the trod without getting lost?”

His mother had raised him on the old stories, and Uncle Madara had a knack for retelling them in new and interesting ways, so Obito knows what a trod is, and where it leads. And there’s no way he’s anywhere near a trod. “This is the forest bit of Forest Quad. I’m following the loop, there should be no trod anywhere near the loop.”

“Did you not wonder why no one came to investigate the massive amount of magic just now? That amount of magic is usually a sign of impending disaster.” If Bakashi gets any more sassier Obito is going to punch him in the face, bodyguard or no.

“Fire God’s flaming balls.” Obito has managed to follow Bakashi down a hidden path through the Veil Between Worlds into the realms of the Fae. Which would be impressive, but only if he can get back to the human realm without going insane, getting back to about the same time as he left, and avoid being preyed upon by a more Powerful Fae. “Uncle Madara is going to kill me.” If Uncle Madara is even still alive when he gets back; he’s probably just jinxed it and now Uncle Madara is going to live forever. Oh, Twelve Hells.

Bakashi checks his watch, “Look, we’re going to be late for Professor Namikaze’s class at this rate. Let’s go.” He starts walking confidently down the path, in a completely tangential direction to where they came from, were going, or should be headed to return to campus.

Obito checks his own watch and yelps because they really are going to be late at this rate. He speeds after Bakashi, but can’t hold back a grin. Rin is never going to believe this.

[anbu-legacy]

Every time you post I say "this time I'll write some sort of review" and finally we are here

Okay firstly, just in general this was great and I love it because I love anything that explores new parts of Narutoland but also because it is delightful I am only just a little sad we’re not getting a proper whodunnit (but I guess that’s more Intel’s thing, generally) because my sad is eclipsed by my delight.

Anyway – the review, as written while reading and totally unedited.

“They stole the lieutenant? He was kind.” Kakashi dragged a hand over his face. “After the captain hit him. Nomiya beat his wife.” “I sparred with him,” Raidou protested.

Ok not even going to lie – this is, while tragic af – adorable. Sad because I can just imagine Harubi praying at her tiny shrine for aid, ever chance she could get. Or worse, only asking for help once her children were in danger. But adorable because of course the tanuki like the lieutentant. And want to save him – everyone loves Genma and we all want him to be his best and happiest self, y/y?

(Except no, because pain makes for the best writing material sorry everybody)

(But also not sorry)

What followed was one of the strangest conversations Raidou had ever witnessed. Kakashi, with his economy of speech and movement that seemed so disjointed in human interaction, slotted into place as naturally as breathing. Raidou recognized that questioning head tilt echoed back by listening dogs; the silent, watchful glances that lingered a second beyond comfortable; the predatory edge polished like a fine weapon. Here, Kakashi’s hair and mask just looked like markings, no more notable than that shepherd’s black-tipped ears, or that hound’s white-ticked coat. It explained a lot.

Insert “heart eyes motherfucker” gif here bc omg

This is the best explanation ever given – I love how much you expand on the Hatake family background here without ever getting weighed down in exposition. Plus this is just so well written – it feels like a revelation for Raidō and us (ignoring the fact that it is – I mean that you’ve also conveyed the emotion of that as well as providing it).

And then Kakashi’s reaction after Ryouma offers yknow *waves hand in non-spoilery motions* just. Perfection, how he’s become so like pack and made them part of his and wants to protect them so much ugh.

And I love the little insight into the Old Ones ‘“You have broken pieces inside, human,” the black wolf informed him, like Raidou might not have noticed.’ Both intelligent and so animal at the same time. And calling Kakashi snake-mind. I just love it all so much it’s rendered me less than eloquent. Also loving that everyone just thinks everyone else involved with this is some insane alien creature – Kurenai thinks the ANBU are bonkers; Kakashi thinks Ryouma’s bonkers, Raidō thinks this whole thing is bonkers and the wolves, presumably, think these humans are entitled little shits. Who would be more palatable as food, maybe?

IDK am not a wolf-god-thing can’t really speak to that perspective too much.

And of course the lady God Wolf likes Ryouma lmfao he has a wooing technique for every scenario

“I’ll listen next time.” Pakkun made a rude sound. “No, you won’t.

U right Pakkun – and no one else in all of canon would either because Konoha ninja are like that.

I’m really enjoying, too how disorienting the tanuki-related scenes are, you manage to really give us a sense of what suddenly missing chakra is like, even though that’s not something we the reads can actually empathize with. It does make me think, though, about how a shinobi-attack on non-shinobi would seem – would it be similar? Nothing and then bam horrible things that twist the world around you, make you stab the air and remove any idea of what’s real and what’s not.

(obviously I do think this is like that - and it makes Genma’s tanuki mask even more appropriate)

And maybe I shouldn’t be but I’m kinda laughing a little at the last exchange. The tanuki appear to have a very different idea of what’s going on which is terrific.

– basically this was really great and not just narratively but also your writing seemed extra good this thread. I mean, it’s always excellent but you’ve really managed a few cases of really clear emotion here, and emotions that aren’t as easy to convey as sadness or anger or even exhaustion.