#kainaga

[rakopasefikafiji]

Rako would like to thank the community of Auckland for the wonderful warm hospitality and love you have shown. Faiakse'ea 'e hanhanisi ma af 'ak ne 'os ag fak hanua... #rynz #kainaga #rakopasefika

[tumtumaisake]

For o’honi (2013) This is a red hibiscus for my mother. I was 18 at the time, fresh out of high school and discovering my sense of self. My best friend, Ash, had moved in with me. Ash is also mixed pacific islander, they are Fijian and German. We would stay up late at night, sitting on the woven mats in my room or at the beach having a bon fire, playing ukulele, singing and laughing. Or we would be off exploring in the forest, playing with the spirits. It was how we were able to heal through our trauma, was to sit together and practice the ways our ancestors would bond. Ash and I became sisters (saghani), bonded by our shared experiences being mixed-islander daughters who didn’t belong. We had an understanding that we became kainaga (family), because we created a belonging for each other.  It was through having their support that I was able to leave a toxic relationship. The trauma of this relationship still effects me deeply today. (A story for another post)

When the teeth of this monster finally came off of my soul, I felt this rush of power, mana. It was so intense, so much so that I couldn’t sleep. So I painted till exhaustion. I had been weightlifting since 15, so I would lift for 2 hours every day, then do an 8km run around the neighborhood  till my legs gave out. I would exercise so intensely that my body would menstruate irregularly. This power rushing through me was too much for my weak and malnourished body to bare. I didn’t understand what was happening at the time, but all I could understand was the intensity. I remember the community was over for taumaka (dance practice). One of my nieces was busy playing with my rat tail. But suddenly, the anxiety was too intense and I had to leave the gathering. I went on another run. I had never left a taumaka early because of anxiety. Upon reflection with the mental health knowledge I know now: I realize I was having a hypomanic episode.

And so this painting represents the intensity of mana rushing back through my body after I had been poisoning myself for years. It was the first time I felt empowered, in control of myself. I felt a deep connection to my ancestors, something I had not felt since I was last in Rotuma in 2007. It is my spirit just starting to flower a beautiful mia’ (red). What we may call a hypomanic episode, I see as a rush of mana that I did not have the skills, guidance or discipline to handle. And so my body started to break down as I entered a new destructive cycle. 

[biskitsstuff]

Goa: Tes ta re se eia?

Lamin'ia: Ou kainaga ka'at in'iare ei kat pola fiag'se English en imete.

Goa: Ma hanis'ia gou in'ia ja ma.

me: why are you destroying earth!!!

aliens: because theres people who think that english is the only language they need to speak

me: thats fair i understand