crlwnlv

[crlwnlv]

And in these next 50 years you will eat so many delicious meals, laugh so many times with so many people you love, shout and scream and sing and cry and smile so hard your face hurts. And you will see such beautiful sunsets and feel fresh cold air on your face and feel warm and safe wrapped up in your favourite winter coat.

[crlwnlv]

[crlwnlv]

intrusive thoughts—

of what if and nots.

i refuse— but—

it gets me everytime.

can’t they just go away?

[crlwnlv]

I wish I’ll be a little less sad than I was yesterday.

[crlwnlv]

I don't think parties and dancing is for me...

I don't know. My friends have been going out to countless parties, non-stop drinking, endless fun of dancing, and wacking on the streets as late as 3am.

In the coming weeks, I may have to actually join some of these events since I've been dodging and postponing invitations from last week.

I'm probably gonna be there, gonna drink, gonna have to dance, gonna have to drain all of my energy to small talk, awkward and fake laughter of mine, which I should be guilty of those whom this facade will be reciprocated when they are genuine.

Maybe I got used to dwelling in solitary to a point that no matter hard I try to make believe myself that this is adulting and it will only be hard at the start but will eventually loosen up and get better as we progress, but no, I HATED THE IDEA OF HAVING TO BE AT THIS PLACE.

And God forgives me, I wish my friends think and prefer the same as me. It's not that I am saying they are awful or their choices are something to be ashamed of coz they should never be. They are just living their lives to the fullest.

But, yeah. I wish my friends could have been more cozy, stay-at-home kinds of people. I wish I had more lads as friends than ladies. The idea is so absurd but maybe in this lifetime, I should learn to accept that I am only a good friend from the sidelines. I don't know how to pretend to enjoy something I do not. No matter how hard I try to make believe that alcohol tasted good, the truth is it does not.

Perhaps, I was meant to be the listener kind of friend to the life-fulfilled, lust-glorified love of my friends. At this, I'm really really on the verge of considering actually doing it...

I'll only need time to think through how to not make it hard for them, for my two most precious people. I'M DONE.

[crlwnlv]

na-ege saeng-il chukhahae.

oneul geu salang-eul neukkisigi balabnida.

[crlwnlv]

lord, help me prove to myself that i am ultimately wrong for doing this. help me lord.

People cling to a god in hopes for a positive life as they believe his being supreme will put an end to their misery. That for me is disgustingly awful; i’d rather die and rot in hell for doing the good things i am to do and to learn from the mistakes of doing the bad things, may it be intentional or not, than using a god to escape the horrible realities that is inevitable in our lives by turning our misery into something that is — “God testing our faith”.

It’s so hard, I question myself: Did I go to far in quenching my thirst for knowledge that what I know now makes me abandon my faulty belief system? or Was my eyes just opened to the universal realities that there are plentiful of varying truths around and my belief system is just one of them?

Growing up in a Christian home, I envy my mom, dad, sister and church family; they all hold firmly to the belief of our religion, seeing Christ and Christianity as their absolute truth and only salvation. While here’s me, feeling the guilt of abandoning the religion that nurtured me for 19 years just because following it destroys me by contradicting the very identity I wish to become. I feel guilty but I don’t regret this choice, at least for now.

Somewhere in the future, if god exists and if he truly love the people he created; I hope he will reveal himself to me and i’d get the chance to have the same personal encounter as my other church families. The chance to repent in hopes that I won’t be too late to be saved.

11:26 | 08-02-2020

[crlwnlv]

dear god, help me.

hello dear almighty,

first of all: I AM DEEPLY SORRY.

i think i've had enough delinquency in the past pandemic years of my life. lord, the amount of betrayal and ill-feelings i've had for the world, how twisted i've interpreted the gospel... it is immeasurably despicable.

today, i feel like i've made it to the rock bottom of my journey trying to experience the dark. getting here, i'm starting to feel ultimately scared, it seems that i've become too powerless to cross back to the light. i have become powerless because i stray away from you.

lord, i could say i am regretful for having to take my choice back in 2019. this is where i acknowledge that your ways are higher than mine, and i am truly sorry for having to disrespect that.

as i write this, when almost feeling empty in heart. i feel scared that writing this felt insincere. it makes me think that writing this was made because i'm scared but never remorseful.

lord, help me. renew my heart, make it fearful of you, make it obedient to you.

lord, renew my mind, make it humble towards you, make it work for your glory.

lord, renew my path, as it would be very painful to step off my dreams and hopes in life, but allow me to trust your plans for me.

lord, at the verge of cowarding myself to the idea of death, save me. i don't want to be a coward, lazy, and insensitive person. jesus, have mercy on me.

i beg for a second chance.

lord, thank you. thank you for allowing me to have these realizations. even if i am writing this half-hearted, the grace of your mercy and divine intervention allowed me still to remind myself of my roots. despite my utter disobedience, you never forsake me.

god, help me. i would love to grow back in you. help me go back, i surrender my life to you again. in the name of Jesus Christ, your son, our savior... i come at your knees, praying: RENEW ME. make me love you again, please ohh god, make me love you again. i beg of you, help me lord. i pray. amen.

[crlwnlv]

#hoursbefore21

I JUST WANNA GO OUT THERE AND LIVE MY TRUTH— but I can't yet. Not because I'm afraid but because I don't want to hurt the people I love. To a supreme being, please tell me— when should I choose myself?

[crlwnlv]

to another year of misery and journey...

Countless times but none ever come to recall what had been a long, boring and miserable year from yesterday; I don’t even want to remember. Ironic, after 15, it has always been worse after worse years-- yet I can’t seem to reach rock bottom.

For someone who had unicorns, fairies and all other beautiful things to grow up with, a part of me sincerely feel terrible at this point in my life. There’s not a single trace of whatever remnants from that beautiful childhood that’s left. All there is to now is normalcy, things having the common value— everything is ordinary.

But a bigger part of me finds comfort in this boring and ugly daily living, just because this is reality. For the longest time, I now have grasp of what life in reality really is. Life sucks. But it is what it is. Right now, not losing touch with reality despite how miserable it can be for some people— like myself, is all that matters.

No rainbows, no fairies, no unicorns. But you know what, I don’t need those anymore. If there’s a silverlining to all of these, it has to be the fact that each day past, I grew stronger, emotionally invincible, mentally adaptive, I’m wiser and bolder— I have a higher chance at surviving this ugly world.

The happy and fun and love may not be meant for me, but that is okay. Now more than ever, it’s beyond clear to me what I think I’m meant to become and that gives me the fullest sense of usefulness and worth. I’m meant for knowledge, science, literature-- I am made as a tool to serve and save others. Heroic? I don’t know, maybe. Yeah, 2021 is here in 5 minutes. Another year of misery and journey, and it’s the journey that matters.

And so this letter, is a farewell to the stagnance and rest from yesterday’s year. This letter embraces purpose. This letter is a reminder of strength and agility. This letter may be emotionally empty but this is me saying, I ought to be an offering to science, to medicine, to saving lives-- I will persevere.

Universe, I know you hear me. Please be there for me when no one will be. 

Please be there.

[crlwnlv]

This is not a christmas update but just a reminder that part of liberating myself and living for my truth is accepting that traditions and culture and practices have denied me so I’m just gonna live the once special days to something I’m grateful because I am finally living my truth. Hugs to all :>>

[crlwnlv]

this episode hurts so bad, i just really wish cristina yang was there for meredith grey. i’m in pain, fuck this.

[crlwnlv]

holaaaaa cold season :>>> i”ll enjoy warm hugs for sure.

rainy day ⛈️

[crlwnlv]

Finishing almost three quarters of grey’s anatomy makes me happy, really happy. There were never a dull moment, at least for me. And I love all the characters especially Miranda, Arizona, Cristina, Lexie, Teddy and Meredith (yas, gurl power). I think one huge reason why I am very into the series is because I could relate to all of the characters, I would want to live a life like that of the characters. Flawed, very flawed but they all are genuinely kind and good people, who are scarred of their past but are brave enough to confront life’s ugly side and transcend to see that life is worth living; we just have to be constanly motivated and rest our hearts to what we think is worth to keeping our lives. Those above mentioned favorites, especially my only guy favorite, Alex Karev; they all are the kindest and most genuine persons in the series I swear. To bad some of them had to leave. Can’t wait till its November, season 17 right around the corner, folks. Season 17 will be a huge feat.

[crlwnlv]

Hey y’all, i’m back; all brown and bare. You know, in the past 2 months I’ve been working very hard to lose weight, improve my skin color and had to go through major breakdowns along the way. But then, I realized, I shouldn’t be ashamed of my color, brown is beautiful. I shouldn’t be ashamed of my size; I’m perfectly fine in oversize shirt and pants, a bit bumpy tummy and a huge booty. I’m healthy with my diet and regular exercise, that’s what should matter.

For years, I aways feel ashamed with the thought of me being ugly. But, no one can get to make us feel ugly if we don’t let ourselves feel like one. No one can make us feel inferior unless we let them make us feel like one. So this is a very random update just to remind myself that I am perfectly fine. I deserve to be love by myself and by other people. Each day must be savored while it lasts, there shouldn’t be any room for self-loathing, only love that builds confidence and trust.

23:12 | 09-28-20

[crlwnlv]

People cling to a god in hopes for a positive life as they believe his being supreme will put an end to their misery. That for me is disgustingly awful; i’d rather die and rot in hell for doing the good things i am to do and to learn from the mistakes of doing the bad things, may it be intentional or not, than using a god to escape the horrible realities that is inevitable in our lives by turning our misery into something that is — “God testing our faith”.

It’s so hard, I question myself: Did I go to far in quenching my thirst for knowledge that what I know now makes me abandon my faulty belief system? or Was my eyes just opened to the universal realities that there are plentiful of varying truths around and my belief system is just one of them?

Growing up in a Christian home, I envy my mom, dad, sister and church family; they all hold firmly to the belief of our religion, seeing Christ and Christianity as their absolute truth and only salvation. While here’s me, feeling the guilt of abandoning the religion that nurtured me for 19 years just because following it destroys me by contradicting the very identity I wish to become. I feel guilty but I don’t regret this choice, at least for now.

Somewhere in the future, if god exists and if he truly love the people he created; I hope he will reveal himself to me and i’d get the chance to have the same personal encounter as my other church families. The chance to repent in hopes that I won’t be too late to be saved.

11:26 | 08-02-2020

[crlwnlv]

It’s been a while since I posted a blog. I’ve been struggling to write in the last 5 years. I lost my muse and synonymous was the death of my confidence. I honestly don’t know what to say right now nor I am certain if I could ever post a blog after this.

But i’ll leave a cover of this old song ... I like this song so much. I can relate to the weight and agony of missing someone in this song, mine have been long gone for about 12 years. I miss Justin so much, I always do. In this world, only I remembers him.