#justhriobthings

[hriobzagelthewanderer]

What Tarot Card Are You?

The Moon

the world has not been kind to you. it has come for you with gnashing teeth, swiping claws, and you have barely escaped time and time again with your tail between your legs. but you are made of tougher stuff; far more resilient than you give yourself credit for! allow yourself this moment, yield yourself some clemency, and be prepared to face this stalking monster with a renewed sense of purpose. the moon will guide your well deserved reprieve. NUMBER: 18 UPRIGHT: illusion, fear, anxiety, subconscious, intuition REVERSED: release of fear, repressed emotion, inner confusion

Tagged by: @townofcadence Tagging: @godfrey-industries @xxlordalexanderxx @aonokumura @goldspun @ssatxr @driftingjazzbard @green-x-reaper

[hriobzagelthewanderer]

A perfectly ordinary Fae Creator

[hriobzagelthewanderer]

Hriob Zagel has appeared! What to do?

Throw salt

Ask on a date

Make them mine

Kiss on the cheek

[hriobzagelthewanderer]

[hriobzagelthewanderer]

Which Type of Protagonist are You?

reluctant chosen one

this is usually a teenager flung about by forces outside of their control, but it can also be anyone picked for a higher calling to a cause they don't believe in. your mission isn't just to complete the task at hand--it's about coming to your own conclusions, and finding the system is corrupt from the inside out. it's about returning the favor, and embracing righteous anger as a form of self-liberation. sure, you'll save the world. you'll also fuck up the people who made you do it.

[hriobzagelthewanderer]

“...I think people focus too much on ‘historical weapons’ and argue over things like the Longsword versus the Katana. People need to remember that all weapons, and especially all swords, have their strengths and weaknesses. Its not ‘which is better’ but ‘what is this meant for and how well does it line up with the purposes of this other weapon’. I won’t go into more details on that particular, trite, over-argued comparison, but I will gush a little over the oft-overlooked Germans Lange Messer- the one sword I wouldn’t mind using for myself fairly often if I can’t use my polearm for whatever reason.”

“Despite being known by a few other names, such as the Falchion, the Langes Messer is, honestly, what the name translates it to be: A pointedly Long Knife, even to the point that the handle is two halves of wood bound together to the metal tang much like how culinary knives are handled even to this day with modern sets. It is a slightly curved blade, good for hacking and slicing, but retains a nearly-hooked point to allow thrusting in a pinch. The hilt not only has the basic pair of flanges to protect the hand, but an additional negel or ‘nail’  that is short enough to not get in the way too easily but helps protect the back of the hand when gripping the sword normally.“

“Essentially, its a basic tool not at all unlike the more well-known Machete, filling much the same role, while retaining a few key features of more typical swords to streamline its use. I don’t take them often unless I’m expecting to be ‘camping’ for an extended period or need a physical weapon less obvious or ostentatious than my go-to, but they are my next best pick for several reasons beyond what I’ve hinted at here.”

[hriobzagelthewanderer]

It was Christmas, Saturnalia, or Yule as one may prefer, and after weeks of preparation and careful assembly, he had done it. Hriob had made a Gingerbread House...

...in the style of a Viking Mead Hall...

...Full Scaled, and modeled after the apocryphal details of the infamous Mead Hall of High King Hrothgar, as made famous in the Legend of Beowulf.

The casks of hardened gingerbread, filled to the brim with Eggnog in all varieties, alcoholic and not, were just a bonus. As were the carefully crafted cookie replicas of various steins, boar roasts, and cutlery around the fireplace.

All that was left was to invite people to join him for the Yule Festivities-

[hriobzagelthewanderer]

"The purpose of life—if it may be said to have purpose—is not ease. It is to choose, and to act upon the choice. In that task, we are not measured by outcomes. We are measured only by daring and effort and resolve." -Stephen R. Donaldson, The Last Dark

[hriobzagelthewanderer]

"...no idea why, but I suddenly am possessed of the urge to turn myself into a dog for a day or two. Just for the fun of it, I guess."

[hriobzagelthewanderer]

"Oh, hey, today is Father's Day!"

"...and I have no idea what to do with this information."

[hriobzagelthewanderer]

“Service enables service. Hope came from the power and value of what was served, not from the one who served it.”

― Stephen R. Donaldson, White Gold Wielder

[hriobzagelthewanderer]

The List of Things Hriob is No Longer Allowed to do, Revised Edition:

Not allowed to challenge people to drinking matches. Liquor costs aside, the hospital bills for the ‘suckers’ are getting to be too much.

The above is doubly triply important during any ceremonial or holiday gatherings, regardless of species.

It’s one thing to give ‘surprise hugs’ gently and while walking towards someone, another entirely to give them by teleporting a few feet above the recipient.

Not allowed to summon ‘Tentacle Monsters’ in order to try and practice ‘Aggressive Crochet’

I am not a proud sponsor of Drunk Science Magic Magitech Anything.

I am not allowed to hold classes on ‘Tickling Dragons 101’

I am not allowed to mislabel anything for any reason. Last time I nearly caused a self destruct sequence to go off.

Not allowed to spike anything, with anything, for any reason. No exceptions.

Not allowed to read the Necronomicon backwards while gargling mouthwash yodeling tickling a shoggoth at all. Even to try and prank call the Eldritch or collect on their bets.

I am not allowed to cross any beams of any kind for any reason. Not even ‘because I was curious’

I cannot convince others to cross any beams of any kind for any reason.

Not allowed to try and lecture anyone on Temporal OR Dimensional Mechanics unless they are at least as smart as I am.

Not allowed to make or try and sell a ‘better’ Mousetrap, a Stairway to Heaven, a Road to Hell, an Elevator to Heaven OR Hell, a Slip-and-Slide to Purgatory, a ‘worse’ Mousetrap, a Catapult to Valhalla, a statue of anything, out of anything, ‘Improved’ fireworks, an Immovable Object, a Perpetual Motion Machine, an Unstoppable Force, a Mineshaft to Tartarus, a Highway/Freeway of any kind to any destination, an ‘Infinite Supply’ of ANYTHING, or my own Halloween Costumes without constant supervision EVER AGAIN.

When labeling barrels of alcoholic beverage with their concentrations, I must give a proper ‘approximate’ proof rating at minimum, if not a 100% accurate one. Simply saying it has a ‘Metric Fuckton of Alcohol in every swig!’ is not good advertising, much less an adequate health warning.

If I have reduced a room full of experts/stoic individuals/supposedly unshakable ‘heroes’/‘villains’ to utter shock/stunned silence for longer than five minutes, that is a sign that I’ve done something unspeakable and should stop immediately, NOT to continue while I have their undivided attention.

If I wouldn’t do it to my Own Mother, adoptive or otherwise, I am thusly forbidden from doing it to any and all entities classifiable as Eldritch Abominations, unless considered absolutely necessary by a responsible adult.

If someone tells me anything resembling the phrase ‘I don’t have any fucks to give’, I am forbidden from attempting to support/refute their supposed claims with empirical evidence.

Legal reasons aside, I am forbidden from using alchemy to ‘super-concentrate’ any recreational drug other than alcohol for any reason whatsoever.

I, nor anyone else I know, cannot be urged to come out as ‘Openly Fae’. This is non-negotiable.

Condiments are for seasoning, not war of any scale, type, or interpretation. Conversely, weapons and tactics designed for combat of any sort do not belong in culinary pursuits and/or activities.

I am forbidden from attempting to Yodel, play the Vuvuzela, play the Accordion, play the bagpipes, or play a One-Man-Band harness in any capacity or function whatsoever.

I must remember NOT to reference alternate timelines conversationally with those unaware/unprepared for such temporal topics. Best case I give horrible headaches, worst case I end up causing a massive Paradox.

Even if I am not too shabby as a carpenter, can literally magically make seeds turn to full-sized trees in minutes, and can enter architectural representations of other entities’ spiritual identities, I am forever forbidden from installing birdhouses in anyone’s soul.

I am forbidden from considering Torture as an ‘acceptable substitute’ for mortal injuries. Snowmen are exempt from this for reasons Snowmen sightings have dropped to the point that this is no longer an acceptable target, and thus they have been given conditional amnesty as of time of writing.

Not allowed to enchant any of the following: other people’s clothing without permission, silverware, ping pong balls, laser pointers, laser cutters, laser weaponry, personal massagers, drilling equipment, ANYTHING DEEMED ‘TRIVIAL’ UNLESS SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED BY A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.

While its psychological effects are wonderous when weaponized, I will learn to use the ability to enchant boxes and other containers to become dimensionally transcendental (i.e. ‘bigger on the inside’) in a serial, Matryoshka-like fashion, RESPONSIBLY. This means no more explosive fire-bombs at the end of the package series.

I will learn to stop accidentally encouraging bad behavior trends in my friends: they are often either far too impressionable for their own good, or already have enough shit on their plate as it is.

The above is Triply applied to anyone in the child-to-young-adult ranges; you’re supposed to be a GOOD role model, damnit.

Upon serious review, I am not allowed to blend any drink incorporating caffeine or other similar stimulants with alcohol in any concentrations, especially alchemically enhanced ones, for any reason unless directed to do so by a medical expert.

The answer to any given problem is not ‘more booze’

Nor is it ‘more molotov cocktails’

Claiming the answer to any given problem is ‘more molotov barrels’ or any other variation thereof is right out.

I am not allowed to be the ‘magician’ at children’s birthday parties only allowed to be at children’s birthday parties when free of alcohol and not using magic beyond parlor tricks.

...In retrospect, the prior article also applies to birthday all parties of any kind for people of all ages, unless asked specifically by the host to perform otherwise.

I will not ‘Cry Dragon’ under any circumstances, regardless of the actual dragon population of the given area.

Even in the face of other alchemists or those with an Actual ‘Midas Touch’ of any variation, I will refrain from attempting to convince anyone I can turn items into Beer Cocaine Styrofoam Latex Contraceptive Barriers Seran Wrap Bubble Wrap rubber bands kittens hamsters ANYTHING,

I am not allowed to pretend I am my evil clone doppleganger myself from the future myself from the past myself from an alternate causality/dimension ANY ‘other’ me I or anyone else can conceivably imagine.

In regards to article 12 of this revised-and-updated list, I am ESPECIALLY not allowed to bring in the ‘actual duplicate’ for the above listed reason(s) any reason whatsoever, nor am I allowed to ‘try and prove it’.

I have a past life that has a mythologically recorded history, albeit an incomplete one. I do NOT have hymnals, battle cries, my own language, recipes I actually invented (actually, KYSELO and rye-based sourdough count), any form of ‘back-rent’, or holidays dedicated to myself nor my past incarnation, and I am forbidden from inventing new ones, ‘post-humorously’ or otherwise.

I will planeswalk responsibly: ‘leave no trace’ principles and ‘common courtesy’ still apply.

Even if I carry Tarot Cards, I am not a practiced, ordained, or otherwise effective fortune teller of any kind, and thus anything I say regarding one’s fortune is to be willfully ignored by all those around me.

I don’t care how much it may make anyone laugh, or how magical I may be, I cannot refer to myself as ‘The Wonderful Wizard of Gauze’, regardless how well I work with bandages and linen wraps in multiple areas.

Even in respect to prior rulings about not interfering with other timelines/iterations of myself, I am not allowed to interact with other individuals who are associated with other versions of myself in any way, including indirect communication, letters, ‘gifts’, and intermediaries. That shit STILL gets way too damn confusing.

I am not allowed to use the excuse ‘but I can’t drive’ to avoid my responsibilities even if this isn’t true upon further review, I am also not allowed to be given responsibilities of any kind that revolve around vehicular transportation in any way whatsoever.

I am forbidden to ‘improvise’ my way out of anything I already have a perfectly working solution for. My ‘experiments in creativity and resourcefulness’ are better applied elsewhere than with ridiculously unimportant endeavors.

Not allowed to challenge Demons, Devils of any category/size, and entities associated with Hell to rock-offs polka-offs card games dance-offs karaoke battles drinking contests eating contests any sort of competition whatsoever, regardless of whether or not a soul(s) anything is at stake or offered as a prize.

I will ‘try to’ refrain from using magic to prank people unless they really, really deserve it started it Period and as it is CLEARLY impossible for me to hold myself to this standard, I will at LEAST promise to clean up after the damn mess every time I ignore this ruling.

I will not let my competitive instincts turn everyday hangout attempts into ridiculous surrogate deathmatches, be they revolving around cooking, laser tag, intimate moments, or anything else.

Remember, ‘Adoption’ and ‘Teaching’ may not be mutually exclusive, but both have their own responsibilities and, often, paperwork. This means you can’t just grab kids, say ‘mine now’, and run off into the woods whenever you want to help and/or protect them.

We know you don’t understand what the hell makes you so attractive to such a surprising number of people, carnally or otherwise. STOP ACTING SURPRISED AND DENYING IT ALREADY. Humility has its limits before it becomes self-depreciation, and if this keeps up therapy WILL be used as an intervention.

As an extension of the above ruling, if someone is attractive to YOU, you will not shove trinkets at them randomly from the safety of anonymity, you will GO UP TO THEM like a DAMN ADULT AND TELL THEM.

We know you like trees, they make good staves and walking sticks and you relate to them, we get it. Reforestation is important, and part of your work, but that is NO reason to leave trees Literally Everywhere You Go, they are NOT your ‘Calling Card’.

Because you are not ‘That Kind of Fae’, you need to be up front about what you do and do NOT do. You wander, support life and magic, teach/heal/protect those who need/ask for it, and tend to ecosystems both floral and spiritual. You do NOT make deals and trades for power, riches, or ‘Firstborn’.

In regards to both the above article and article 51, you are no longer allowed to be ‘surprised’ if someone approaches you, asks to ‘bargain’, and immediately drops any remaining clothing on their person.

This list has, against all odds, been trimmed and revised greatly since its original listings, but this is NO excuse to try and make new entries again. We have been over this before, damnit.

[hriobzagelthewanderer]

Hriob, with Anons attacking those he cares about:

Hriob, watching others defend him against Anons violently: